July 31, 2004

Sometimes, I scare me...

I just found this list and my first thought was, "Grocery list? What the hell kinda grocery list is this..."

hamburger buns- Okay...
cucumber- For what?
Aqua- Net? What? I don't use that shit...
Ink- Howsabout a pen?
Hatchback- Do what?
spat- What da hell does this mean?
cat collar- flea collar, maybe
tractor seat- TRACTOR SEAT?!?
pumpkin- Why would I buy one of those? We have them here, already.
elbow- macaroni?
silly-Very.
onion- Okay, makin' sense again.
eggs- Every time.
mop- When did I buy a mop?
pissing- What da hell IS this...?

*thinks*

MAD LIBS!!!! A Mad Libs list... Oh, thank God.

Hey, I have bought more than one tractor seat (cover) in my life, ya know...
(But, I gotta tell ya, 'cucumber' was freakin' me out. I just watched "Don't tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" the other day and so, just heard Rose's advice to Sue-el about them... scary.)

Posted by: Stevie at 01:09 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

July 30, 2004

At least I can still do some things well...

Yesterday, I noticed China was getting a bit pissy when all five kittens were fighting for a boob, so I decided I'd better start 'em on food today.

I just got all 5 to eating canned food in less than 25 minutes.

See? I am, I AM good at something!!!
Yay me.

*eyes rollin' right outta my head*

Posted by: Stevie at 04:33 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

July 29, 2004

Two things in one....

This a:

a. My kinda Bear. Make sure your sound is on and you're NOT AT WORK!!! (Here's a hint... this bear is the love-child of Tony Soprano and myself. On a GOOD day... Frankly, this is EXACTLY the kinda shit I've been saying to this (expletives deleted) computer for about the last 24 hrs. I hadda un-and re-install the friggin' modem TWICE this morning... *disgusted sigh* So far, my best guess is that the new/old YIM shit was bungin' it up. However, I took the precaution of securing the necessary cash to completely replace said modem if it doesn't quit fuckin' around, so it oughta be FINE NOW!!!! Ya know how that goes...)

b. Yet another reason why Mikey is so freakin' cool. Thank you for this one, Hon!

Posted by: Stevie at 04:23 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 You're welcome!

Posted by: Mad Mikey at July 29, 2004 04:40 PM (NmR1a)

2 That's why I explained you needed to do a CLEAN uninstall of YIM...you must not have gotten all the files from the new version off your system...yeah, that can cause problems, especially since you were trying to go back to the older version.

Hope it's ok now.

Posted by: Funkalicious at July 29, 2004 08:53 PM (JjOt1)

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My kinda chain letter...

Hello, my name is Roger and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

Fuck 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.

Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

P.S. Send me 15 bucks

Posted by: Stevie at 03:55 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Well, that was fun...

Yeah, the "talkin' to Paul fer two hours on the phone" part was fun. The lightening strike, the three trips into the muddy dog pen to check the phone jack on the backa the house, the crawling under this desk 495 times and the complete re-install of my modem... not so much.

Siiigh.

Here's a little tip for ya... it's twofold. Number 1. If there's a huge assed storm right over top of your house, it's probably best to shut down, disconnect, unplug and possibly even cover your computer with a large box. Number 2. If ya have any AOHell shit installed, get rid of it. (We still aren't sure which it was.)

In the meantime, we got it fixed just in time for me to have time to give Eric new feets. To give a person new feets, it's really very simple. Just get a pack of Dr. Scholl's Double Air-pillow inserts and insert 'em in his boots while he's sleeping.

Try it for yourself, on yourself. Take your favorite boots and stick a set of them in 'em. You'll feel like ya have new feet. But, get the double air pillows. The 'single' ones are too flat to begin with.

Well... guess I'm gonna go do the few dishes and put these thangs in his boots, then I think I'mina go to bed. My head hurts... lol.

Thank you, Paul!!!!! This kinda stuff, Ladies and Germs oops, Gentlemen, is why Paul is my Computer God. My hand to God, if that man can't fix it, it just cannot be fixed. End o'story, ya know?

Paul... are ya any good with can openers?

Peace

Posted by: Stevie at 04:06 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

July 27, 2004

*brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*.....

Dial tone, man.
Can't think of a decent "title" here, for some reason. Oh well. Hell with it now, I guess, right?

I spent yesterday afternoon cleaning the house with Dr. Katz, the world's finest 'squiggle-vision' therapist. I even got a cool idea for dinner from him.

Somebody on that show mentioned Shepard's Pie and I took the bit in my teeth, as it were, and went from there.
Yes, I "invented" dinner again... lol.

Posted by: Stevie at 03:32 PM | Comments (18) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

July 26, 2004

BRA-VOOOO!!!!

*standing ovation, complete with much wild clapping, cheering, whistling and stomping for effect*

submitted by: Lanie J.
Location: Los Angeles
Restaurant: Buca di Beppo, Encino

Dear customers at tables 15-16,

I'm not sure if you remember me...I was your waitress last Monday night. I just wanted to drop you a quick letter to show my appreciation.

I was really thankful, customers at table 15-16, that rather than being the fourteen people for which you had made the reservation, you were in fact four adults and five small children. The way you managed to spread yourselves out to fill a ten top and a four top table rather than freeing up the four top was really quite a testament to the spirit of elbow room. Although you easily could have fit at one table, it was nice that you noticed how I, like so many of my fellow servers, often hate having tables used for things like paying customers when we could have a four top used for holding up slobbery crayons, diaper bags and shredded place mats.

Thank you for the workout I got fetching you four solid wood highchairs even though none of your children remained in them. It's really nice to see children so active. I agree that more children could benefit from less TV and more running laps through a crowded restaurant. Way to help hone my reflexes as well; dodging children with a scalding hot plate of ravioli is great practice in case I ever decide to try out for Riverdance.

Thank you also for allowing your children to scream their heads off. Many people have never had the chance to experience what a whale call sounds like. But why am I telling you this? I can tell that you already realize the educational value of your offsprings' squealing since you made no attempt to control it.

I'm sure we also see eye to eye about the Blue Man Group tribute your two-year-old was performing with six sets of silverware - dinner and a show!!

Thank you customers at table 15-16 for changing your infant's dirty diaper at the table. I can't even begin to tell you how tired I get of the smell of fresh garlic and basil. Rotten baby poop is really a nice change of pace during dinner. I'm sure table 13 only asked to be moved to another section because they were feeling overwhelmed by the cuteness of it all.

Lastly, I just wanted to let you know that I don't hold the 11% tip against you. I was a little upset at first, but then I thought of all the money I'm saving by not having to get surgery since my tubes tied themselves in a knot.

Yours truly,
Lanie J.
Buca di Beppo, Encino, CA

Found this bit of artistry at the latest additon to the 'roll. I love this site.

Posted by: Stevie at 04:01 PM | Comments (18) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Wonder which one it is I really need?

A cop... or a doctor.
(Probably wouldn't hurt to have one of each, actually.)

I actually went to bed at a halfway decent time for once. Be advised that 'decent' to me would be called 'insane' by most people (and we all know what I think of them, anyway, right? *lmao* I crack me up...) because in this case 'decent' means before 5:30am. Right before, too. But, ya gotta admit, that's better than 10am or noon.

Aaanyway... Went to bed, slept well (I guess. I really don't know. I wasn't paying attention.) Got up, on my own, everythings fine, come out here, get some coffee, go to feed the cats.... and lose what little I have left of my mind.

I beat the shit out of a can opener.

Not even an electric one, mind you. It's one of these (allegedly) "better than old fashioned metal ones" with big black, plastic handles.

I hate it.

It will NOT cut cans. I connect this stupid thing to the can and it spins it alright, but it doesn't pierce or cut the fuckin' thing. I have to grip it with more PSI than Drago punched with way back in Rocky 47 or whatever the hell one it was when he went to Russia, bear down on it harder than a Persecutor on a Mafioso, only to see it ride discreetly around the top the can, making not so much as a DENT, so as not to offend said can, I assume.

Piece of shit.

I beat that damned thing on the table like a guy wielding a cheap-assed QVC sword and then threw it across the kitchen. John Belushi got nuttin' on ME, man.

God help me...

Alrighty then... I need to either clean this house or burn it and rebuild. I cannot stand looking at it nomo'... I've had enough (of this, too.)!! Hell, I've had about enough of every-damned-thing, I think. For now, anyway.

The only other thing on my mind at the moment (besides the unending shriek), is this poison cocktail of politics, women and logic, soooo... Before I go making a big old dumbass outta myself on my front page again (I heard that... ya wiseass), let's step out onto the porch, shall we? This won't take long, but you can bring a beer, if ya want...

Posted by: Stevie at 01:44 PM | Comments (19) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 Tear it up Stevie!! It's SMACKDOWN! time!!

Posted by: Mad Mikey at July 26, 2004 02:30 PM (c4GB+)

2 You got it, Babe!

Belieeeeve me, I have a list. That stupid can opener was #1. Next, is the toilet. I have a can opener that won't open cans and a toilet that flushes about as well as a...a.. CAN OPENER and I feel compelled to rectify this sitch-ashun, 'medi-AT-ly, damn it.

Whar's my stick?

Posted by: Stevie at July 26, 2004 02:47 PM (8PUIX)

3 Fire for effect.....

Posted by: Mad Mikey at July 26, 2004 03:40 PM (c4GB+)

4 Rock on. You should go to the Democratic convention with a fully automatic weapon. I'm sure Kim du Toit could hook you up.

Or hell, maybe just pose with one and post the pics.

What was my point? I think my point was "don't drink 7 Key Lime Martinis on a Monday night or you'll start babbling on people's blogs."

owwie, my poor head.

Posted by: Mad William Flint at July 27, 2004 08:48 AM (/j9KS)

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Ummmmm....

Ow.

This guy is silly.
That's why he's 'rolled.

I love people who's brains "work" this way... too.

Posted by: Stevie at 12:34 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

July 25, 2004

Rocket Jones....

You ARE my hero...

Thank you so much for this.
I needed, nay... REQUIRED a laugh today and this'll do it!

I know what I'll be doing for the next little while...
*rubbing hands together gleefully*

You can do it, too....

Posted by: Stevie at 03:38 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Day-UM, I love this guy...

And, not just cuz he kinda looks like Eric.

'Cause, see, this guy also looks quite a bit like him...

And, just because this one is so gorgeous...

And and, since I never did get around to doing that Brando thing, here he is...

Yes, I do feel much better now.

Posted by: Stevie at 05:01 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

July 24, 2004

A few random observations since my last post...

Re: Mad Mikey... That poor guy. He asks one simple question "Who's Jon?" and gets a novella in response. Don't expect him to be the same for a while. His brain is probably fried and smokin' after my missive.

Erma Bombeck is/was fuckin' BENT and I love her! I'm reading "At Wit's End" again and it's a good thing I'm where I am when I'm reading her, because she makes me pretty much pee myself laughing.

Angelica Huston, in Lonesome Dove, looks a lot like my mother, except for the braid. This is NOT a good thing. For either of them.

I am, I have decided, completely insane.
Don't, for some reason, believe that?

Well, either keep reading or ask Mikey.
But, better stay ready, just in case his only answer is to throw something at ya.

Update @ 7:30pm...
*shudder*
Gawd, I hate the part in Lonesome Dove where Deets gets killed. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes again and covered in goose-bumps.
And, what, boys and girls, was the REASON he was killed?
That's right... a kid.

Starting to see any kinda pattern emerging here... yet?
Those little shits.

Posted by: Stevie at 06:29 PM | Comments (17) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Siiighhh... okay so nobody likes it when I get soft and mushy, huh? Fine.

Put on yer fuckin' seatbealts, then and yank those fuckers TIGHT.

Ya want pissed? Okay.
We can do pissed. I AM alive, after all....

Posted by: Stevie at 04:33 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Excuse me, Computer?

I don't know WHAT the hell crawled up yer ass and died, thus slowing you to such a degree, but I DO know that if you do not quit taking 27 and a half minutes to go from page to page, I WILL be forced to beat the ever lovin' FUCK right outta you.

Now listen, dickhead... I've run TrendMicro, Adaware, Spybot S&D, the disk cleanup, scan disk and disk defrag until I'm ready to puke coathangers and STILL you insist on lollygaggin' around.

I will NOT tolerate this happy crappy for one more INSTANT! Do you understand?

No?

Well, then, numbnuts... lem'me put it this way.

I'M gonna go make cookies.
YOU can piss up a rope.

Right now I hate you, you suck and I hope ya rot.

Sincerely,
me
*gets up and leaves, muttering to self, much like Yosemite Sam or Darrin McGavin in that Christmas movie about the kid named Raphie who wanted a Red Ryder BB gun*

Hey... wait a minute.

Posted by: Stevie at 06:05 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

I dunno what this means, buuut...

I'm hangin' out in Melly's archives, reading, laughing, tearing up sometimes too, and all the while the song (How Do You Solve a Problem Like) "Maria" from "The Sound of Music" is blasting in my head.

I love that movie, this chick is incredible and I wish I had known Waistdog.

I wanna move to Texas before I die just so I can meet Melly and Jett. I would never have believed women like them existed.

Posted by: Stevie at 01:34 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

July 23, 2004

Oh, this just gets 'better'...

Do WHAT? Naked except for sandles?

This dude is fubar.

Posted by: Stevie at 05:21 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Leave it to the 'AcidFamily' to get me gigglin'...

Does anyone but me remember a few months back when I had to "doctor" my dog Ziggy's foot?

He'd cut a pad on something and wouldn't leave it alone, so I stuck one of the neck-cone things on him and put shit on his foot, wrapped it and stuck a sock on it.

He was pissed at me. Acted all depressed and gave me dirty looks when I looked at him and giggled.

Well, Rob mentioned it in a post. Said I was 'embarassing' Ziggy and made me feel bad.

Heh. Go look at this. Fifth picture down.

Now, tell me... does it run in the 'family', embarrassing dogs, or what?
lmao....

Posted by: Stevie at 02:30 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

And, for a lovely end to a lovely week...

(Kill me, PLEASE?)
I get to spend ALLLL DAY tomorrow (today... Friday, now that this posts after midnight... ah, Clapton) two states from here, around people I hate, because of a kid. (See why I just looooove the little fuckers?)

Damn, man.

I dunno about this. I DO know I'd rather spend the day being drug behind a galloping steeplechase horse, but, other than that, I'm clueless. I don't really even know why I'm goin'. Except that George asked me to. Siiiigh.

Posted by: Stevie at 12:47 AM | Comments (20) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 I kinda got lost in that story somewhere, but I do have to say it sounds like a monumental waste of time. Ugh!

I'll leave my messenger running tomorrow, in case you want to vent..

Posted by: Funkalicious at July 23, 2004 01:57 AM (JjOt1)

2 Okay! Cool... I'm still "fixing" this, believe it or not. I keep adding a word here, re-spelling a word there.

I think I've re-saved this about 9 times so far... lol.
(I've been tinkering with it for almost an hour and a half, already.)

Is there any place specific that ya got lost, that I need to clarify? (I have done a bit of that, so maybe I already got it?) If there is a major hole, let me know so I can "fix" it, okay? (Shit's hard enough to keep up with, without me leaving parts out... *grin*)

Posted by: Stevie at July 23, 2004 02:01 AM (hu5R5)

3 SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!!! LOL

It could be worse: you could be in the back of a pick-up AND it's raining....

Posted by: Mad Mikey at July 23, 2004 09:26 AM (NmR1a)

4 Sweet Jesus! Girl, all I can say is GOOD LUCK, and don't kill anybody.

Nice to finally have a more clear understanding of who, exactly, George is and how he fits into the scheme of your life!

Posted by: AmyVegas at July 23, 2004 10:27 AM (lBFdX)

5 I'M BACK!!!!

I made it and nobody hadda die.

BUT, that little twit did it AGAIN. Lied and let him down. I'm about to go to the store and get some shit before George goes to Jersey for the weekend to work with his b-i-l.

One way or the other, I need to be up at 6:30/7:00am, because a friend of mine is popping in for a minute when he gets off work. (The one I gave the kitten to. She's doing GREAT with him, by the way.) I'm not sure, yet, how I'm going to accomplish this. Either by just staying up or by going to bed, liiike, before 8:30pm and getting up around 3:00am.

Whichever way I do it, I'll do a post about the whole... whatever the hell it was today, later. (Gawd, does that sound like something Edith Bunker would say, or what?)

Oh, and Mikey? It rained it's ASS off on the way home, too... lol. It did that a few times. Everytime I'd put the window up, it'd stop. Then, it'd get all hot in the car, so I'd put the window down again and viola! it starts raining again...

"Oh what fun
it is to ride
In a hydroplaning caaaar..."

Posted by: Stevie at July 23, 2004 07:03 PM (3sn5x)

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July 22, 2004

The less new news, the more I wonder...

About this.

I hope I'm wrong, but I've felt she's dead since the first time I heard of it and, frankly, when I read they were moving to NC for his med school even BEFORE that turmed out to be bullshit, that he did it.

Now, finding out he's a liar and seeing him, it's cemented in me.

He killed her.
He was freakin' out about this med school shit and 10 to 1 she found out or had suspicions and he killed her before she could tell the family. That she was maybe pregnant wouldn't have stopped him, but, conversely, made it seem as if he had no choice even more.

It, the possible kid, was just one more thing he'd lose when it all came tumblin' down on his head.

Of course he did it. Just what the fuck did he expect to do here in the next few days when she found out for sure he wasn't going anywhere, literally and figuratively speaking? What, was he gonna tell her it was a surprise, where they'd be living, talk her into lettin' him blindfold her for the drive, then circle the block 417 times and try to play it off?

"No, Honey. I got really lucky and found a neighborhood that looks JUST LIKE the one we just left." Riiiight.

She did NOT look like the kinda chick to suffer bullshit gladly. Matter of fact, that hard look that's in her eyes in most of the pictures I've seen of her, is enough to send me runnin' in the opposite direction, "yipe"-in' like a scared puppy. Or would, in person.

I'm not trying to be mean about her, but she kinda looks like she's the kind of chick who wouldn't back down and who'd maybe even goad a person into over-reacting and.... ya know?

I mean, fer Pete's sake... if someone as inert and malleable as Collette McDonald can be said to have incited *Jeff to have killed her and those two kids of theirs, this chick could do it with one lip tied behind her back. Know what I mean?

Let's just put it this way... Lori's Mom's statement to the husband, "We love you no matter what.", is probably gonna be rescinded here, really soon.

Just watch.

(*Now, THIS guy, Jeff McDonald, I'm have a hard time believing he did it. I think Joe McGinness is an opportunistic, lying, bag of shit and he was in it for the money, only. He literally used Jeff's brother Jay's mental instability to say, "See? Nuts." and misquoted Jeff and the PDR and every other bit of information he used in his hypothesis. And, that is ALL "Fatal Vision" ends up being too, supposition and leading scenarios. Joe McGinness is a good story teller, but he sucks as a MAN. He even lost the court case when Jeff sued him after publication...)

Posted by: Stevie at 10:19 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Okay, ya know how I am about two legged, non-furry kids, right?

41 years old, never been pregnant, couldn't possibly care less, decided upon hearing about cysts on my ovaries (23 years ago) that could keep me from becoming pregnant that that was God's good idea, no biological clock, no maternal instinct or very little... right?

Well, this hurt. My heart aches for this lady. I've never heard of her before, kids and pregnancy are NOT my "thing", yet I read this with tears welling a time or two.

Just like even I can feel how bad this is for this lady, I wish there was some way to give her a bit of my.... whatever it is that makes this stuff inconsequential to me... (Please let that have come out right, 'kay, God?)

Is it 'indifference'? Is it that I spend about half my time wishin' I was a guy? Is it because my own mother was clearly insane when it came to me? Is it because animals are my babies?

I dunno. But, something makes this stuff roll right offa me, even easier than water offa ducks back and whatever it is, I wish I could put some of it in a beautiful little basket, with tissue paper and ribbons and give it to this lady, just in case she might want it.

Man...

Found at Jane's.

Posted by: Stevie at 01:54 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

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