Excuse me, Computer?

I don't know WHAT the hell crawled up yer ass and died, thus slowing you to such a degree, but I DO know that if you do not quit taking 27 and a half minutes to go from page to page, I WILL be forced to beat the ever lovin' FUCK right outta you.

Now listen, dickhead... I've run TrendMicro, Adaware, Spybot S&D, the disk cleanup, scan disk and disk defrag until I'm ready to puke coathangers and STILL you insist on lollygaggin' around.

I will NOT tolerate this happy crappy for one more INSTANT! Do you understand?

No?

Well, then, numbnuts... lem'me put it this way.

I'M gonna go make cookies.
YOU can piss up a rope.

Right now I hate you, you suck and I hope ya rot.

Sincerely,
me
*gets up and leaves, muttering to self, much like Yosemite Sam or Darrin McGavin in that Christmas movie about the kid named Raphie who wanted a Red Ryder BB gun*

Hey... wait a minute.

A gun.
A gun is a weapon.
Another kind of weapon is a huge stick.
Like, say... A Axe Handle.
And, pray tell, what's this right under my desk?

Why, it be A Axe Handle, signed by the one and only Sheriff Buford Hayes Pusser that I drove many, many miles in a dying Ford Bronco to get.

Hmmm... I may have found an answer here.....

(Cookies, chick... cookies. Not mutilated computers. COOKIES!!!)

Yeah, well... *clunk* Here it is.
You decide.

I'll be back...

Update two minutes later...
Heh... I closed my browser windows, yanked out the bowl I need to make cookies and decided it was too quiet, I need a movie. So, I go over to the TV, remove "Stand By Me" which I've "watched" about 40 times in the last three days, I think (run, rewind, repeat) and looked at the stacks. I saw one that was on top and was like, "Hey! Yeah... cool." I pulled it outta it's sleeve and had it three quarters of the way in the VCR before I really realized what I'd picked so quickly...

"Lonesome Dove".

Damned if I'm not wishin' I could be in Texas, hey?

Posted by: Stevie at 06:05 AM

Comments

1 Puking coathangers..!?

Stevie, you must be a ninja if ever caught in a flame war.....LMAO!!

Posted by: Mad Mikey at July 24, 2004 05:17 PM (5X6l5)

2 Okay, Sweetie!

*whispers*
I actually swiped that phrase from Ed O'Neill in the movie "Dutch". When I heard that, I knew immediately in was one to treasure and use forever... lol

Posted by: Stevie at July 24, 2004 06:45 PM (fNowE)

3 Sweetie, get rid of Spybot S & D. That is such a piece of shit program. It adds unnecessary registry entries and keys, it can kill your .exe's and it disables system restore (if you have that on your machine). I have never understood why people like it so much, when it's so destructive and poorly supported. Switch to Mozilla Firefox browser and your problems with spyware will diminish greatly or disappear altogether.

Also make sure that you are dumping temporary files on a regular basis. They can really gum up the system and slow it down.

Posted by: Funkalicious at July 24, 2004 07:35 PM (JjOt1)

4 Got the Mozilla part... I think I'm dumping temp files too? Does any of that crap I listed that I do, do that?
If not, HOW do I do that?

(And, for reasons known only to God and probably Bill Gates, it seems, sometimes, that only shutting down and starting over speeds it up substantially... Is this a clue about something I'm missing?)

Posted by: Stevie at July 24, 2004 07:45 PM (KG1Ro)

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