caughtintheXfire

November 03, 2006

Guess what y'all?

I got an email back from Giant today.

Dear Stevie (they used my real name, but y'all know how that is, right? *grin*,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. Our customers' comments and feedback are very important to us, and we do appreciate the opportunity to respond.

Thank You for sharing your thoughts with us. I have forwarded your information to our Merchandiser and I have some news for you... We are going to keep this product in our stores!!!!

Again, thank you for contacting us. We value your business and look forward to continuing to serve your shopping needs.


Sincerely,
Consumer Affairs Representative
GIANT Food Stores/MARTIN'S Food Markets

How 'bout THAT shit?

*huge, toothy grin*

Posted by: Stevie at 03:40 PM | Comments (17) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

All that's left now....

to do is one more load of wash and one more pot of iced tea.

Kitchen is done, front room is done, duck got to go swimmin' and come back to a clean cage, kitty potties are all done, vacuuming is done, floor is mopped.

Hell, I even cleaned the coffee pot with vinegar and ran all the "clean up" shit on this computer.

I'm kinda tired now.
Tired, but watching Gunsmoke...

Once I get this second gallon of tea made and the last load of laundry at least into the washer, if not the dryer, I'm gonna go lay down for a while.

This afternoon, I hafta run the two Erics to two different places to begin the process of getting their ID's/DLs and Jr. his hunting license.

Oh hell.
I need to clean out the mudroom, too.
I forgot that.
Need room for the freezer.
Guess I'll do that tonight, before I do my nails.

And, a tiny proof that God at least likes me...

I happened to see and tape the episode of Designing Women that Lewis Grizzard was on a little while ago.
Twice, even.
They ran it twice, I taped it twice.

That makes three times I got it on tape, though I'd be hard-pressed to tell ya which tape the first copy is on right about now.

And, a bit of trivia for ya...

For the first time in the six years I've been "online" (I first started putzin' around with computers in 2000), I wrote on my monitor casing.

What I wrote was "W-530, H-370".
That way, I don't hafta keep going back to the "last picture I posted" to get the right size when I wanna post another one at Gut Rumbles.
So far, I've done 'em all that size.
They fit his page really nicely and the focus/resolution/sharpness seems to be coming out well, so I wanna remember that size.
If I have to adjust it from there, fine.
At least I have the correct, maximum size to fit his page to work from.

But, it's another Rob-induced first for me... writing on my monitor... *lol*

Whatever it takes, man.
Whatever it takes.

And now, I'm gonna go check on that iced tea and the laundry.

My brain is starting to turn to mush and my eyes are feelin' like dustballs.

Y'all take care, have a good day and, of course...

Peace

*update 15 minutes later*
Somebody STOP ME, please...
I just went to put the first gallon of iced tea in the fridge, noticed how gross the bottom of the fridge looked from various "dribbled liquids" and cleaned it, too.
First I can't get started, now I can't STOP.
(And, after this gallon of tea, I've decided to make another one for the two Erics and then, after that, another pot of coffee to put in the Harley thing for when I wake up. I'm frickin' POSSESSED.)

Posted by: Stevie at 07:59 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Gittin' 'ere....

Whew.

I'm almost worn out.
And, I'm also almost done.

Living room is finished, up to and including vacuuming.

Bathroom is 90% done, pending the completion of the laundry.
And, the duck having a swim in the bathtub.
(Ol' Donnie loves the HELL outta that... *grin*)

Besides that, all that's left is "details" in the kitchen, such as "mopping the floor and putting shit away, etc." and as for the front room... need to re-do the kitty potties, straighten up a little more and vacuum.

I think that's it.

After that, if I'm not passed out in a corner somewhere, I wanna do my nails.
I took the nailtips off over a month ago with every intention of re-doing them right away like always and just never have... yet.

Other than that... *another "whew"-type breath*

So, before I stiffen up like a winkie fulla Viagra from sitting here too long, back to it.

Peace, y'all....

Posted by: Stevie at 01:07 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

November 02, 2006

Well, if "ashes to ashes, dust to dust" is true...

then there was about two cemetaries worth of people either comin' or goin' up under my dryer.

Jeezus.

George got home and went up there with a coupla hand tools and my shop vac and took the back off, then pulled about a half a (small) shop vac cannister fulla shit outta there.

Musta worked, too, 'cause when he was done, we started a load drying and it's still going.

*applause, applause*
You go, George.

Now, about the rest of this mess....
(Got a leaf blower or flame thrower?)

Posted by: Stevie at 06:51 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

An email I just sent to Giant Foods, LLC...

Hello,

I am again contacting Giant about the discontinuation of Cedarific brand cat litter.
This is the fourth time I'm making contact with you about this.
I've spoken to the call center in Georgia twice and just got off the phone with the corporate headquarters in Carlisle.
I'm emailing you to make good and sure someone hears me about this.

I started shopping in Giant grocery stores about two years ago.

I happened to go into one once with a friend of mine and, while in there, I noticed the Cedarific brand of cat litter.
Having many cats (I live on a farm), I decided to give it a try.

I loved it.
Absolutely LOVED the stuff.
I've never used a brand of cat litter that works as well.

For a while, I'd go into Giant specifically just for Cedarific.
Then, I finally wised up, got a Bonus Card and gave up all other grocery stores in favor of shopping at Giant.
I even stopped buying any pet products at Wal-Mart and gave all my business to Giant.

Just to let you know... I own four dogs, too many cats to count, various birds, horses, a hamster... the list goes on.
I spend a considerable amount of money on my pets each week, let alone month.
(I tend to try not to really think too much about it,lest I realize how excessive it really is...)

Anyway...

I went into the Gettysburg Giant Tuesday night, I think it was, again SPECIFICALLY to get the usual three or four bags of Cedarific, like I always do.

I was beyond angered to find out that Giant is planning on discontinuing to stock and sell Cedarific.

I was given a few comment cards by the night manager so that I could communicate my displeasure about this with "corporate".
(As you can probably tell by now, I decided to take a more direct and immediate route.)

There was also an 800 number on them, which I called right away.

I came home (with a bag of clay-based, dusty, and doesn't-work-very-well Tidy Cat cat litter) and decided to find out what gives with this whole situation.
So, I called the two Giant stores in Hanover to see if they, too, were going to stop stocking and selling Cedarific.

The answer is "yes".

I was also told by the manager of one of those stores that there are only two reasons why Giant would do this.

1.) The company had stopped production of said product, or...
2.) Giant didn't sell enough of it to make to worth it.

So, I then looked up Nepco, the company that makes Cedarific, online and they're not stopping production, so I'm left to believe that the reason for the discontinuation is that Giant isn't selling enough to make it worth it.

That made me even more angry.

The reason for that is because in the Gettysburg store, they have YARDS of shelf space for the clay-based litter products from the floor to mid-chest level, yet the Cedarific was relegated to a shelf ABOVE MY EYE LEVEL (and I'm 5'8"), with only enough shelf space for two stacks with only three bags in each stack for a total of SIX bags being available to be sold at any given time.

I don't know how they do it in the Hanover stores, but my experience with how much was available was much the same as it was back in the Bucks County Giant where I found Cedarific in the first place before I moved to Gettysburg.

So, that makes dropping it for lack of sales completely unfair.

Maybe if there was room made for more of it to be on the shelves, and at a more reasonable level like the other brands, more WOULD be sold.

I called Nepco today, too, to see if Cedarific is sold anywhere else in my area. When I told the lady who answered what I wanted, she said, "Oh my. You're about the fifth or sixth person who has called about this today."

I asked if they were all from the Gettysburg area or what and she said they were.

Then, I told her what is going on and told her to go ahead and give anyone else from this area who calls my email address so that we can organize, if necessary, to try to put a stop to this.

I found out that, yes, Cedarific IS sold at the same Agway where I buy my horse feed, so I am relived about that.
BUT...
I'm still highly annoyed about this turn of events at Giant.

I don't feel like the product was given any kind of fair chance in the first place.
Plus, Giant is open 24 hours and Agway isn't.
Besides which, when I was able to buy Cedarific (as well as all my other pet needs) at Giant, there was the Bonus Card discount, which really helped me out a LOT.

In fact, I am SO angry about this, that if it does happen, if Giant DOES discontinue Cedarific, if Giant forces me to go elsewhere for this brand of cat litter, I plan on going elsewhere for all my other pet product needs as well.

I'm not completely stupid, however, and I do plan to keep GROCERY shopping at Giant, but I also feel like if Giant wants to do this, I want to do do something "not nice or fair" in return, frankly.

I mean, it WAS because of Cedarific that I became a Giant shopper in the first place and if I have to go somewhere else for that, I may as well go on back to the Wal-Mart across the street for everything else "pet" that I need.

Not to mention the fact that I've been telling other cat owners, shelters, kennels that board cats and PAWS (pawsofpa.org) about Cedarific since I started using it. I've also spoken of it on my website and I have no problem with expending the same amount of energy, or more, telling everybody I come across about the tragic mistake Giant is making with this wonderful product AND where it is still available.
Yes, I am THAT upset by this.

I also recommend Giant to anyone who asks me where to go to get good prices and quality on groceries and while I'd never bad mouth you about anything except this Cedarific situation, and even then, it wouldn't be bad mouthing you as much as simply telling the COMPLETE and unvarnished truth which is that the product wasn't given a fair chance and you didn't care when people complained about it, I will stop recommending Giant as THE grocery store to patronize.

I feed a family of three adults and one teenager with a HUGE appetite and I do get asked often how I manage to do so and not go broke.
I've always answered by saying "I go to Giant and you should too and here's why", then I tell them all the reasons why I like Giant so much (til now).
And, there IS a Weiss market right down the road....

Now, on one hand, I'm sorry I sound so pissed off, but, on the other hand, I AM "so pissed off" about this.

I don't know how else, except BEGGING you to reconsider this horrible decision (which I'm not above doing, by the way), to get you (as in "Giant, the corporation", not "you" specifically who is reading this) to reconsider.

Please, don't do this.
Don't make me have to go somewhere else.
Don't deny this product a fair chance, and by that I mean better placement, more available stock and a little time with the new circumstances.

It's a really, really good cat litter.
It doesn't weigh as much as the clay-based stuff for the same sized bags, it smells wonderful and lasts longer than ANY other brand.
And, yes, if I HAVE to, I will go to Agway for it, as opposed to switching to a brand Giant does offer.
It's THAT good.

Please reconsider this decision and thank you for your time in reading this.

Respectfully, yet really still annoyed,

my contact info

So.
What do y'all think?
I wasn't too pissy, was I?

Let me know.

Back to cleaning...

Peace

Update less than an hour later...

The manager of the Gettysburg store just called me.
Poor guy.
I already knew it wasn't HIM who decided to do this, but he did decide to call me.
He said they're looking into getting it back and had tried contacting the person responsible at corporate, but hadn't heard back yet from them.
THEN, I got an email from that twit (at corporate), saying she'd (ugh) be out of the office til Monday.
So, the score is 1 for the G'burg store and 1 against "corporate", so far.
The manager of the G'burg store said he WILL contact me again when he has more info.
The lil sweetie....
*cheeky grin*
(Y'all watch. I'mina be solely responsible for getting that shit back... and loving it when I do, too.)

Posted by: Stevie at 04:43 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Good news, bad news and maybe more good news (if I don't handle the last thing myself, that is)...

The first good news is that I just got off the phone with Nepco, the people who make Cedarific brand cat litter.

I told them about Giant dropping their product and asked where else it's sold around here.

The lady said she'd been hearing about this.
She said she's gotten several phone calls today from other people around here about it.
She then gave me the 800 number to their distributor to find out where else it's sold.

Then, I told her that Nepco officially has my permission to give the other people from around here my email address, WHICH they'll find on the email I sent them the other night about this, so we can DO SOMETHING about Giant's stupid decision.

Then, I called the distributor and, joy of joys... it's sold right at the same Agway where I get my horse feed!!!!!

VIVA LA AGWAY!!!!!!
(And, God bless 'em, too...)

So, I called Agway to make sure they do sell it (yep) and I told the lady at Agway that when I go to the Giant later because my bank is Sovereign and they have an office there, that I'm gonna put up one of those little yellow cards they have available for people to advertise shit they have for sale and whatnot and just have on it that Cedarific is sold at Agway (so, basically, Giant can go to hell).

I think I may still call Giant again and give them another ration of shit about it, though...

Thanks to that goddamned stupid piece of shit dryer of mine, I'm getting in the mood to rip somebody a new asshole.

Which brings us to the bad news....

I took the tube thingy off the back of it a week or more ago so it could stay "not so hot it shuts itself off all the goddamned time" and... it's STILL DOING IT, DAMN IT.

I put a load of jeans in it a little while ago.
It was DEAD COLD when I did that.

I go about my business, cleaning, and go upstairs to do those two cat boxes and empty the trash cans and the fucker was stopped AGAIN.
It hadn't even run a freakin' HOUR.

Man!
I got so pissed, I YANKED that useless fucker outta the niche it's in, into the middle of the friggin' floor and looked into the place where the tube thingy connects to it with a spotlight to see if it was clogged.

It's not.

I cussed it up one side and down the other, did the shit I went up there to do in the first place, threatened it's life, tried it again and... it came on.

My hand to GAWD, if I go up there again and find it's stopped itself before that, or any other, load of clothes is dry, I will kill it.

Or... I would have IF I hadn't radioed George and made him a deal, and I quote:
(which, by the way, brings us to the possible "other good news, if I don't handle it myself"...)

*beep, beep*
(That's me, radioing him...)

Him: "Yeeessss?"

Me: "Ummm, gotta question... If I promise not to beat the dryer into component parts with my Pusser club, will you look at it when you get home and MAKE IT WORK RIGHT?"

Him: "What's it doin'?"

Me: *rolls eyes at such a dumb question* "Shuttin' off before shit's dry.
(Thought, but not said... what's he THINK it's doing? Vacuuming? Jeezus.) I took that stupid tube thing off of it and it's still not WORKING. Is there any place else lint could be building up besides the lint trap or the hole where the tube thing connects to it to make it do this? I did notice some fuzz-shit hanging out the bottom front of it... you know, at the bottom, underneath the door, at the very bottom where it's about four inches from the floor and it goes in and under a coupla inches, where that stupid kitten was that time."

Him: "I dunno. Vents, maybe? Yeah, I'll look at it. Don't beat it to death."

Me: "Okay. Thank you. Meanwhile, I'll just dry clothes with my got-damned lighter or something... You KNOW how much I hate shit that can't do the one thing it was put on this earth to do."

Him: "Yeah, I do. TV remotes, coffee pots, screen doors, VRCs, cell phones... yeah, I know..."

Me: *giggle* "Well, do ya blame me? Jesus Christmas. If you have only one purpose in life, fulfill it or get the fuck outta my life, ya know?"

Him: "Yep. I know."

Me: "Goes hand in hand with that whole "If ya don't work and I can't figure out why, I'll KNOW why ya don't work, 'cause I"LL KILL YOU." That's my motto."

Him: "Yep. I know that, too."

Me: "Okay, then. I won't feel compelled to kill it. Yet. I'll wait til after you look at it and if it still wants to fuck with me after that..."

Him: "Uh-huh."

Me: "Cool. Thanks for that and making me laugh. Back to the stupid dishes, now, I guess."

Him: "Okay. See ya later."

Me: "See ya."

Stupid (spittle-flecked expletives deleted) dryer.
It's not like I don't have a hard enough time, sometimes, gettin' my ass in gear with this endless cleaning shit.
Oh, noooooooo.
I need IT'S shit, too.
*disgusted sigh*

Anyway...

I found my cat litter again!

Yippe-ki-freakin'-aaaay to that, at least.

And, to end on an "up" note, I'm outta heah.

Back to bustin' suds.
And the other 49,000 things that need to be done.

Peace

Posted by: Stevie at 01:10 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Okay...

I'm doin' it.
Started at 10am.

Threw in a load of clothes, put the dishes in a sinkful of water to drown and have started to pick up the living room.

Of course, it is now about 20 after 10 and here I am, doing this now, so I can see how this shit's gonna go....

*heaves a sigh*

Back to it, then....

Posted by: Stevie at 10:23 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Ya know what?

If I had a half the amount of help cleaning this place up as "I" do fuckin' it up, it would be reeeeally nice.

I'm just sayin'...

("I" is in quotes 'cause y'all just KNOW it's me, ram-assin' around here, tearing it up, right?)
*eye roll and a giggle, culminating in a sigh*

God (or someone with keys and access to heavy equipment) he'p me.

Posted by: Stevie at 05:37 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

November 01, 2006

Damn it...

Giant Corporation, owner of the grocery store I go to, has lost it's mind.

They are no longer going to stock/sell Cedarific brand cat litter.

Those boneheads....

I mean, Jeezus, it's only the best cat litter I've ever used.
It's less expensive than clay litter, isn't as heavy to carry in the same sized bags as the clay shit, it lasts longer, my cats like it... I was HOT when I came outta there without any, and after finding this shit out, I'll tell ya.

Yeah.
Not only is Giant discontinuing it, they didn't even HAVE any and it's not supposed to be "pulled" for good til got-damned December.

I even got the night manager person to go check in the stock room to see if they had any back there, or coming off the truck that was being unloaded right then.

Nope.

"Well, who's doing this? Giant or the Cedarific people?"

"Hmmm. I don't know. Here, have a few comment cards. You can write to "corporate" with these."

"Y'okay. Thanks."
*sam elliot look*

Well.
There was an 800 number on those cards and yes, I did call it immediately.
That nice lady took my info and made a report for me and said they'd get back to me.

Meanwhile, I had to buy a 40 got-damned pound bag of Tidy Cat clay crap and I am NOT a happy camper about this.

I got home and looked up the URL on the bag of Cedarific I still have and it didn't say on their website that they're not making it anymore, soooooo, I decided to email them.

Here 'tis...

Hi,

I've been using your Cedarific cat litter for about two years, so far, and I LOVE it.

However...
the only place I know of, have ever seen it sold, is Giant grocery stores.

And, last night (Tuesday, October 31, 2006), when I went to my local Giant here in Gettysburg SPECIFICALLY to get Cedarific, I discovered that they are discontinuing it. (Plus, they didn't have any at all for sale...)

I spoke to someone in Customer Service and she wasn't sure if the discontinuation was on your end, or theirs.
She gave me several "comment cards" with which to express my displeasure to Giant corporation.

These cards had an "800" number on them for the corporate offices of Giant in Georgia.
I called it IMMEDIATELY and the lady I spoke to on the phone took my information and made a report for me, with the promise that they'd get back to me.

I then came home (with Tidy Cat CLAY litter- ew) and called two other nearby Giant stores. They, too, are discontinuing stocking Cedarific.

Then, I looked up your website from the URL on the bag of Cedarific I already have.
That's where I got your email address...
And, I didn't see where it said you aren't making it anymore, so it must just be Giant deciding not to sell it anymore.
When/If they do actually get back to me about this, I'll forward their response to my query on to you, especially if it seems like they're trying to "pass the buck" by blaming low sales figures.

My question is this:

Are there any other grocery store chains, or any other stores PERIOD, in the south/central Pa. area (near Gettysburg, Hanover or thereabouts) that sell Cedarific?

If not, I've already found several ways to purchase it online and have it shipped here.

I am completely blown away by the (what I consider to be) STUPID decision made by Giant to stop carrying Cedarific.

It truly is the best cat litter I've ever used.

It smells good, my cats like it, it lasts a long time... I can't believe they're discontinuing it.

One manager on duty at one of the Hanover Giants said that there are only two ways, basically, that they'd stop carrying it.
Either the company (you) has stopped producing it or they (Giant) don't sell enough of it to make it worth keeping.

I've gotta tell ya... they might sell more of it IF they'd have more than six 7lb. bags available to be purchased at one time.
I don't know about the other Giant stores, but the one in Gettysburg had it up high, on a shelf, where there was only enough room for two stacks, comprised of three bags each.
Six total, available to purchase at once. Ever.
And, they give other icky, dusty, nasty CLAY brands all the room in the world.

I did look on your website to see if you listed places that sell it, but if you do, I can't find it, hence this email.

Please let me know if there are any places I can get it locally.
I'll buy it online if I have to, but, I'd prefer to just be able to drive somewhere close and get it as I need it, like I always have.
Ya know?

And, I'll tell ya another thing... there is no other brand of cat litter that I've ever used that I would go to such extremes as ordering and purchasing it online, like I will Cedarific.

(Also, just to let you know... I live on a dairy farm and have MANY, MANY cats around here, quite a few of whom live inside my house and therefore require several cat boxes. When I was able to get it at Giant, I'd usually buy at least three bags at a time...)

Thank you for making such a good smelling, long-lasting, multiple-cat-friendly product.

If there is anything I can do to help get Giant to reconsider, please let me know.

Hell, if there's some way I can become a "local distributor" for you around this area, I'd do it, I believe that stongly in your product.
(I've been telling other "cat people", PAWS (pawsofpa.org) and cat-boarding places about it since I started using it. I recommend it to everybody who'll listen... *grin*)

Thanks again for all your help and please don't forget to let me know if there is anywhere else around here that sells it.


myname
contactinfo
contactinfo
contactinfo

cellnumber

emailaddress

In other news...

Cat!!!
Guess what I went and did?
I bought my own DVD copy of "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil"!!!

I am currently running it for the second time in a row since I got it home.
It. is. excellent!

Tell ya what, though... I'm glad I read the book first.
I'd be so freakin' confused by the movie if I hadn't....

Cat... do Joe Odom and The Lady Chablis still live in Savannah?
If they do, when I come back down there, I wanna meet them.
Jerry Spence, too.
I bet HE'D cut my hair right, like I want it, in that "feathered, 70's style" that no hair dresser has gotten right in the last 10 years.

Next time, I wanna walk around those squares and see Forrest Gump's bench, too.

Ya know, it'd also be kinda cool to meet Luther Driggers, now that I think about it...
Not to mention Uga the 5th... *grin*

Anybody who is interested in "Midnight"... read the book first and then, definitely, get the movie.
Both are excellent, but the movie changes some things and there are things that happen, like the cloud of dust seen when the prosecutor stands up in the courtroom during Jim's trial, that'll seem strange, if you haven't read the book first to know what they mean.

Besides, John Cusack is in it.
*wipes drool off chin*
And, he and Lady Chablis, the REAL Lady Chablis who plays him/herself, is worth the price of the DVD.
(Which was less than $9 at my local Sam Goody store...)

And now, I'm really gonna go clean something.
(Been threatening to for a day or two now. I s'pose I oughta really get it done...)

Just as soon as "Midnight" is over....

Peace, ya'll

Posted by: Stevie at 04:11 AM | Comments (51) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

October 31, 2006

Gone four months and he's still taking me by the hand (and heart) and leading me around, showing me things...

I'm sittin' here with a tear sliding down my face, another one wiped off already and a smile.
And, the smile is the end result of laughin' my butt off.

That's because of Rob.
Again.

Yesterday (I think it was), I noticed some trackback spam on the last few posts over there.
That pissed me off.
So... I got rid of it.

And, while I was there, in his trackback list, I started seeing bits of the trackbacks and posts from legit bloggers (and a few bleeding assholes) and started reading.

Then, I tried yet again to leave a link in his comments, farked it up yet again too, and had to go in and fix it.

Between the trackback list and the comment list, I've seen things lately I haven't seen before and revisited some things I have seen before and no matter what door I go in, or what route I've taken once "in", in the last coupla days, he seems to keep leading me back to the good parts.
Showing me things, teaching me stuff, reminding me of things, making me feel better.... just like he always has.

Yesterday, it was a post of my own that I "found", about Eric.
I read it, smiled, then radioed him just to tell 'im I love him for no reason except that I could.

He started to ask what brought that on, then kinda knew without being me explaining it.
Which is good, not for the least reason, that when I radioed him, he was working and had I had to explain the route by which I ended up talking to him, he'd have had to clock out, it was so long.

Just now, I was again deleting trackback spam and it happened again.

I saw a post of Rob's titled "She needs a hug", clicked on it and... it went to me again.
Apparently, on June 26th 2004 (and no, the irony there is NOT lost on me), I was having what I considered a "bad day".
(Little did I realize that I had the right date, but wrong year... Gawd.)

Anyhoo... Rob saw that post, did one of his own about it and left me a comment saying "Pappy loves ya, Stevie. Hang in there.", hence the tear or two... maybe three.
With his comment were several others...

One from Velociman promising me a lambchop from outta his crawlspace where he'd been busy hiding bodies.
That made my eyebrow do an interesting contortion or two and also made me giggle.

Another comment from Terry Reynolds offering to come clean my horse stalls... *grin*
Terry was the first person I ever knew from blogging who died.
I miss him, too, and still have the picture of himself and the parrot magazines he sent me.

There were a bunch explaining that site meters are never really accurate.
One person had three on his site and they all said something different.

Then, a guy named Peter (among others) said that he reads Xfire all the time, but hardly ever comments because what I write about doesn't usually lend itself to being commented on because it's not really stuff people can argue about.
It was suggested: "Maybe you ought to start a nice blogwar with somebody. We could all choose up sides and hurl invectives and act like children and just have all kinds of fun.
Oh, and Stevie? Ease up a little on talking about how much you suck. You'll get all kinds of uninvited marriage proposals and a visit from Bill Clinton."

That made me laugh, right out loud.. sitting here allll by myself.
Laughing.
Out loud.
By myself.

Oookaaay.

Yeah, I'm fine.
Or will be.

Rob will see to that.

Hell, he's even got me into watching "Gunsmoke" on a regular basis.
I kinda missed that the first time around because I wasn't really old enough to know how good it was/is, plus, until I had horses of my own, seeing shows where horses were the primary source of transportation used to just drive me nuts.

Then, after Rob had mentioned a coupla times that he liked "Gunsmoke" and had watched a marathon of it once when he was sick, I'd watch it once in a while, when nothing else was on.
(Hell, I remember when he was sick and watched that marathon because when I read that, I tuned to the marathon too and left it on whether I was actually watching it (or writing or doing laundry or whatever) or not. Kinda like watching TV with Rob and made me feel like he wasn't alone, even if he didn't know it... *grin*)

Then, when I got sick myself, back in August, I started watching it a lot.

Now days, before I go to sleep, I make sure the TV in the bedroom is on TVLand and every day (that I actually sleep at night), I wake up to Marshall Dillon. And, if I'm awake all night, I fall asleep to it, knowing Matt will be seeing to law and order and keeping the peace.

Festus is my favorite guy. He's cute, he's got that voice and he's always trying to be fair and nice about things.

Every time I hear that theme song, I picture Rob in the Crackbox, contentedly settling down with a pile of boiled peanuts to watch it.

One thing though... James Arness shoulda had a bigger horse.
Of course, for him to have had a horse that "fit" him, it woulda had to have been a Clydesdale... *lol*

Anyway...

Finding Rob in the first place was one of the best things that ever happened to my life.
Being given access to him now, from the inside, is like finding him anew.
It's just as good, just as healing... just what I need.
And, being able to fulfill his wishes for him.... God.

It's FOR HIM, yes, but it's also a gift to me, the likes of which one rarely ever gets.

I see that, I know that, and I appreciate that NOW, right while it's happening.
And, that is a gift unto itself, too... to be able to KNOW how wonderful a thing is as it happens instead of in hindsight.

And, I think that that... the knowing what I had with Rob while I had it and knowing what I have now while I have it and this being him, too in a way, is one of the things that makes Rob unique and so personal to me.
I've certainly not had this happen very many times in my life.
Maybe with a horse or two that I've had, but, not with very many people.

Another thing is how many other good things have come from finding Rob...

Paul, Terry Reynolds, Cat, Velociman (and I'll always love him because he so got my salad dressing post), blogging itself... even "discovering" "Gunsmoke".

There's a lot more, but if I were to sit here and list them all, I'd never get this house cleaned, nor get the shower I wanna go get, nor get to the store (yet again) or any of the other hundred things screaming for attention around here.

And, frankly, just submerging myself in Rob's archives makes doing alla that shit hard enough.

That's the one thing I can't fully understand myself...

Why is it, when I know I can do this any time I want, I'm not limited in any way, it's all right here... why, when I delve into the archives or start wending my way through the trackbacks, comments or whatever, can't I STOP?

You'd think it would be a snap to say, "Okay. Gotta go do other stuff now, for a while. I can come back to this aaaany time I want, it'll be here." and get up and go do all that other shit.

But, it's not.

Once I'm in, I stay in til my eyeballs feel like sand-covered bowling balls and if I don't go to sleep, I'll fall alseep right where I sit.
That, or somebody bodily carries me away from here and insists in one fashion or another that I "participate" in life around here in some "live and in person" manner.

And, when I'm in there, I'll have 42 frickin' windows open with different sites and things in them that Rob has lead me to.

And, except for the times that I've been doing it for so long that I'm literally falling asleep sitting up, I'm not worn out by it all.
I'm not torn up over it, or depleted emotionally or anything.
In fact, most of the time, when I am able to tear myself away for whatever reason, I come away feeling good, refreshed, renewed... like I've been on a vacation to someplace really awesome or something.

*coupla minutes later*

Anyway, speaking of "getting up from here", I should do that real soon.

My house is being taken over by clutter, I want to go grab a shower, wash my hair and go to the store, I'm about to be overrun with hungry men-folk and it might be nice of me to MOVE so someone else could use the 'puter. (Anybody got a laptop they don't use anymore? *grin*)

Oh shit.
The front door just opened.

Here comes Eric...

*coupla seconds later*

Wiseass... he just came in, gave me a kiss, and said, "Gee, that's different."

"What's different?"

"This", he says, running his finger across the top of the screen. "Doesn't say Gut Rumbles...", grinning at me.

"Aw, hesh up, smartass..."

And, now he's headed for a shower, so I guess I have time to get something posted over there (what da hell song, or whatever, is it that has "over there" repeated in it? My brain is singing those two words at me, over and over, but I don't know what it is, actually...) while he's doin' that.

I mean, hell... all I hafta do is click over to one of the other (only four, this time) open windows...
*cheeky grin*

Peace

Posted by: Stevie at 06:50 PM | Comments (239) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

October 30, 2006

Focus on the funny...

In spite of the fact that that asshole-who-wouldn't-leave, Mike from Jersey, is upping the ante quite a bit in his bid to be Asshole of the Century and Jr. and I spent about two hours last night combating his assholery, and ultimately triumphing, it was still a decent day.

It kinda got bumped from "good" status due to my "trip", but, all in all, it was okay.

Briefly, about Mike... he's a total fucknozzle and last night, he called ME... yeah, ME- who hates him more than the others in this house combined- and asked me to have Jr. call him, it was important because he's (allegedly) going in the hospital.
(And, why the hell he didn't just radio Jr. himself, in light of the later bullshit he pulled, as y'all will see, is beyond me.)

I told him I'd do that just as soon as he cut the shit and got rid of the shit he'd already done.
(I know this doesn't make much sense, but... it's not about me, personally, so I can't get into too much detail....)

*coupla minutes later, spent debating*

Okay.
This jerkoff has been doing something very uncool to Jr. online, unknown to Jr., but known to ME, because that asshole (Mike) made damned sure I knew allll about it.
His impetus was to put me in a lose-lose situation, while at the same time, having any kinda control that he possibly could over what goes on around here, even from Jersey.
What he wanted was to cause as much damage as he could to my relationship with Jr. or his Dad or Jr.'s relationship with his Dad or whatever else bad could happen.

I've known about this shit since he was here and have been pretty much "fucked if I do, fucked if I don't" for the last few weeks.

I couldn't tell Sr., because it coulda possibly really fucked Jr. up and pissed him off and I couldn't tell Jr. because if Sr. found out I knew all along and didn't tell him, he'd maybe have gotten pissed at me.

That cock-knockin' mofo is really a piece of work.

So, for all this time, I've been sitting on this shit, just waiting to see what his next move would be and I figured I'd plan my next move from that.

Well... he made his move and, as far as he could tell, it got no response from any of us.
I knew, but nobody else did.

Then, he pulls this shit earlier (technically "last night", as this is early morning as I type) of calling me to relay his lie to Jr. and I made my counter proposal.

He asked me to have Jr. call him and I told him I'd do that when he rescinded his horseshit.
His answer to that was, "Well, I guess it ain't happenin' then..."
To which my reply was, "Hey, asshole... I can tell Jr. about BOTH. You want me to tell him about ALL of it?!!?"

He never answered, the loser.

I was pissed.
I was so fuckin' pissed, my fuckin' hands were shaking and I swear before GOD, if he had been in front of me just then, the last goddamned thing he'd have to worry about is some bullshit "medical condition".

I came back down here (I'd gone upstairs to deal with him privately) and told Jr. everything.

Sr. was in the room, but I didn't say what it was that Mike had done.
I showed him and asked Sr. to just give Jr. a minute and let him decide who needs to see what 'cause it was probably enough for him to handle that I knew.

So, I showed Jr. and he called Sr. right over to see it too and we all finally got on the same page and thank God, I don't have to deal with this asshole motherfucker by myself anymore.

And, I made sure to point out to Sr. and Jr. exactly the position that jerkoff put me in... piss off Jr. by telling Sr. or piss off Sr. by not telling him, real nice, huh?

Neither of them were or are pissed at me at all.

God, these are some good guys I've got here, aren't they?

Anyway, right about then, Cat called me and I got to talk to him for about half an hour, which gave Sr. and Jr. time to talk a bit and when I finished talkin' to Cat, we all talked together about it.

Then, Jr. decided what he wanted to do about it (short of going to Jersey to commit aggravated assault, if not murder) and he and I got on here, did his thing (he dictated, I typed) and Mike has been shut down every single way he could be.

Then, as we were ripping him a new asshole online, he kept radio-ing Jr.
He'd radio, we'd type.
Finally, he said (online) that he was gonna have a heart attack because of it all and Jr. told (typed back at) him, "Good. Die, you dick. I don't care."
(This was almost like IM-ing, but not exactly...)

Anyway, after Jr. said that, his radio beeps and Mike says, "You just "incriminated" yourself. You said "die" to me."

Jr. didn't answer him by radio, but I did type what he said to that to me, which was, "God, he's stupid. I didn't incriminate SHIT. He offered to die and I said "Good. Do it.", only, when it was said to Mike, I changed it to "You're stupid. You offered to die, etc..."

Then, the asshole did another new post (of sorts, it's not a blog, either), whining about Jr. "threting" (his spelling, not mine) him and saying he hoped Jr. was as pissed off and hurt as he'd been the last year and a buncha other stupid shit which made Jr. laugh.

He said (to me, not Asshole), "Yeah. I was pissed, at first. But, now that you and Dad and George and I all know together what's going on and we're handling like we are, I'm actually liking telling this motherfucker to fuck off. In fact, now that Dad's in on it and he's backing me up so much, it's actually got us more together and shit and hell, I like that, so fuck Mike, that asshole."

Then Asshole radioed again, saying he wants his necklace back and Jr. told him he'd MAIL it to him AFTER he undid the bullshit he did, not before.
He said he'd (un)do that in the morning and he KNOWS we'll check.
Jr. also told him to never even THINK about coming here again and to never so much as call him again and that's IT.

One of the reasons, aside from the fact that Jr. hates him now, that he said that to Asshole about coming here was because we could hear wind in the background when Asshole keyed the mic on his end.
Jr. called him on that, too... being in his car.
He said he wasn't and Jr. called him a "fuckin' liar" and then the other guy who was here with Asshole, the guy we all kinda still like because he's NOT a total jerkoff asshole motherfucker like Mike, radio-ed Jr. and told him not to worry, he had Asshole's keys and he wasn't going anywhere.

And, he too said Mike was gonna take care of the shit he started in the morning.
He'll make sure he does, too.

I told Jr., then Jr. told that guy, that he's welcome here anytime still, so long as he finds another way here besides Mike.

I think they BOTH got that point.

Guy #2 wasn't the problem when they were here before, he's not the problem now and he IS a nice guy, just stuck like a fly in a web because of that master manipulater, Mike-the-bleeding-Asshole, and his own less-than-peachy circumstances.

Anyway... it's over.
I'm not alone, dealing with this dickhead anymore and not one bit of what he wanted, except pissing off Jr. initially, happened.

All he did was lose a friend, make the bond between father and son and son and ME tighter, and united us ALL against him.

I also told Sr. that the biggest reason I didn't follow my SCREAMING instincts to tell him from day one was all his telling me that Jr. is 18, we can't make him to this, or forbid him from doing that, etc.
He grinned at me and said, "I know. You did good, REAL good, for the position you were put in."

And, frankly, this was another of the things that was driving me so fuckin' NUTS last week.

I know that now, now that it's over, finally.

Jesus... *shaking head*

Oh... and I've saved all of this bullshit, Jr.'s replies included, in case the need arises for the authorities to get involved.
"Threatened him", MY ASS.
And, there's a statute of limitations I intend to look into, too.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times... you wanna fuck with me, go for it. You fuck with someone I love, I will annihilate yer ass.
And, I'm one of those goofy muthafuckers who says what they mean and means what they say.

Anyway...

After alla that horseshit, Jr. and I sat here, fuckin' around online til about 1:30am.
I set him up a Mozilla profile and an email account.
Then, he got to putzin' around on here by himself while I took care of a coupla "house thaaaangs", like loads of laundry and whatnot.
Then, he realized what time it was and decided to crash on the couch right behind me so it'll be easier for him to get up at 6:00am to go to work.

He's snorin' back there now...

I, on the other hand, am "watching" Rocky, getting all this shit outta me finally, still doing wash and just breeeeeathing deeply, with much relief.

I figure if "we" hafta talk to, type to, or deal with at ALL, that dickhead again, I'm gonna lay on him the fact that all he managed to do was "push" Jr. and his Dad closer together, tell him that every single person in this HOUSE knows what he's doing and that we've also informed the guy who owns this place AND the State Police and given them his tag number and the information that he has no license and everything ELSE about him, so if he ever does come around here again, he's goin' down and goin' down HARD and for as long as we can POSSIBLY make it.

And, the minute Nextel's offices open this morning, I'm also gonna call them, tell them that Jr. is being harassed like he is and have BOTH his numbers changed, phone and private ID, even if they want to charge us for it.
Then the only contact that dickhead will have with anybody around here will be through ME.
And he ain't gonna want THAT, I can tell ya.

Now, on to what we all did yesterday, before the bullshit and my "trip" which kinda downgraded the day from "good" to "okay"...

Yesterday afternoon, Sr., Jr. and I all took a drive up into the mountains to this dried up lake. They drained the lake, planted a TON of trees and turned it into a park.
That was kinda cool.
After we got cold enough there, we got back in the car and just drove around a little, looking at all the colors in the trees.
Friggin' AMAZING.

Then, we came home, they went to take care of the horses, while I prepared for Phase Two, which was "going to Wally-world and Giant" by taking a massive pee and finding my stupid bank card.

Then, we did that.
Went to Wally-world and got Jr. a heater for his room, a movie or two and some other crap, then went to Giant because Jr. was Jonsing for that chinese buffet food they have there... General Tso's chicken, ribs, eggrolls and the like, then we came back home.

I needed to feed the outside dogs.
Now, do y'all remember that 642 pounds of chicken potpie I made a while back?
Well, the pot was still sitting in the fridge about half full and everybody had tired of it a week ago, so it was "aged".
I decided to mix that in with the outside dogs' (dogses? nah... dogs') dry food.
(Yep. This is leading up to my "trip"...)

I go out there, in the dark, with the bucket of food and potpie in one hand and my big-assed spotlight in the other.
I was wearing my clogs.
Not the best footwear for trying to traverse an uneven yard with a bucketful of glop in one hand and huge spotlight in the other, as I was about to learn.

I took one misstep, which threw me forward, kind of bowing at the waist and caused me to damned near RUN, trying to maintain my balance.
After about 10 steps, *bang* down went the bucket of glop and *tuckandroll* went I through the spilled glop.

Was I several lightyears beyond pissed?

You betcha I was.

Then, when I staggered back in here, covered in three week old chicken pot pit, with kernels of dog food stuck in it and when I discovered that I hadn't gotten any in my hair, I nearly pissed myself laughing.
As did these two boneheads....

I'm gonna hafta remember to tell George about this when he gets up, here shortly.

Hell, if I'm gonna do physical comedy like that, I fully intend to milk it for all it's worth, don'tcha know.

George didn't get to hear about this last night, because he got back from Jersey in the middle of the Mike bullshit and went to bed long before Jr. and I quit messin' around on here.

He'll love this story, especially when I end it with, "See why YOU "get to" feed the dogs for me most of the time?"

At least HE manages to get it done with any damned gymnastics involved.

Then, after I'd already done THAT to myself is when Dickbag decided to start.
*sam elliot look*

Ya know?

So, it was a cool day, then an "I'm an uncoordinated fucktard" night, followed by Dickhead's bullshit which actually turned out to be GOOD for all of us around here, even if not s'much for him, like anybody gives a flying fuck about that.

OH! and, the best thing of all... my "dental help" IS enroute.
It was never "off" or changed, like I was thinking it was.
Circumstances beyond my dear benefactors control and my ability to understand/know/guess at are what held it up, but, it's a go, for sure.
So, in a week or so, I'll be dentist-office bound to have what amounts to Play-Doh squashed onto my bottom jaw and I'll be back to my "normal" (and I use that word very loosely) shit-eatin' grin self real soon after.

And, if indeed I am about as far from "normal" as person could get short of being fitted for a straight-jacket, with the shit I hafta deal with (Mike, falling in aged chickenpot pie laden dog food and such) is it any wonder?

I think not.

*slithers outta chair laughing*

Peace, y'all...

Posted by: Stevie at 06:07 AM | Comments (31) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

October 28, 2006

Home at last, home at last, thank God Almighty, I'm home at last...

Did y'all know that New Jersey literally has a foul odor about it?
It really does.
And, it's not just near DuPont, either.
It's eeeeverywhere.

God, I'm glad I'm home.
Been here a little less than an hour (it's around 2:00am or so now).
Had to go, once again, to the damned Giant when we (Eric went with me) got back to G'burg.
I friggin' forgot t.p. again when I went there last time.
And, of course, we grabbed a coupla other things.

It's been raining since before we left.
Just whatcha need to drive a six hour round trip... in the dark... on a route that you're not familiar with, huh?
Fun.
Not.

We get back to the area, go to the store, come home, unload the car and by the time I got done running to and from the car at the store and draggin' all the shit into the house outta the car, I was fairly damp.

Came in here, checked and answered an email, giggled at another- and, incidentally, Mad. Wm., I do believe you are correct there- wolfed a piece of a sub, changed into my flannel jammies and new rabbit slippers (the cat ones developed a hole in the sole... they were rather old), dried my hair (yeah, I was that wet), and I finally have a cuppa coffee and am about to go lose myself (and track of time, probably) in Rob's archives again.

Hell, all that is anymore is going home within home, if ya know what I mean.

Reminds me of an episode of Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist (in Squiggle-vision, mind you) where this comedian-guy was talking about purposely annoying cops when he was driving his friend's car that had a horn that beeped spontaneously and pretty much constantly. He figured "screw it", he might as well, what's he got to lose since he was already driving without a license.
He asked, "What're they gonna do? Put me in "extra" jail?"

The visual that went with that was priceless...

Well, being in Rob's archives, in this chair and at this computer (both of which I've had since I started blogging), is kinda like being the rest of the way home.
Even moreso after having just had to drive to Jersey...

I think I'm gonna post a few pictures over there that I've found recently.

... after Roseanne gets done making me cry, that is.
It's on right now and it's the epsiode where she reveals that Dan surviving his heart attack, their winning the lottery and alla that, is just the way she wanted things to be.
Every time she gets to the part where she admits that Dan died, I lose it.
I love Dan.
John Goodman, too...
*smile*

Ya know, it was enough of a gut-punch when they killed Jack on the last episode of "The Wonder Years".

Dan dying is just about too much.

Sometimes, this show is so powerful....
(And, goddamn that Bonnie lady who worked with Roseanne at Rodbells... she can SING. God, I love her voice. Gives me goosebumps...)

And, ya know what other show is really, really good too?

Designing Women.

I didn't care much for that one when it was on originally, just like with "Friends".
But, when I saw it again, in reruns, I kinda fell in love with it and the people on it.
I've been watching that a lot lately on TVLand.

Just saw the episode with Suzanne's ex-husband, Dash Goff, in it this morning.
I remember telling Rob when I saw it the first time that Dash reminded me of him, except he (Rob) was cuter.
Then, they ran an episode about a guy who was dying of AIDS.
He wanted the women to design a room at the local funeral parlor for him and other AIDS victims to use when their times came.
So, they did.
He also said he wanted a N'awlins band to play "Just a Closer Walk With Thee" at his funeral and they saw to that for him, too.

I couldn't help but think to myself, "Aw God... my second Georgia funeral..." and sing along with 'em at the end.

I just love Julia when she gets all fired up. Like when she told off that sanctimonious bitch in that episode. Some prick woman had heard that the women were gonna handle the guy's funeral for him and was in the office when he showed up there and overheard them talking to him about it. She then proceeds to say how "his kind of people deserve what they're getting" and a buncha other shit like that right in front of him.

Julia got PISSED, told her right the hell off and threw her out.

She makes me cheer her and feel vindicated every time she does that to some boorish assmunch.

There's another episode of that show that I have on tape.
Lewis Grizzard played Julia and Suzanne's brother who'd been in and out of mental hospitals and was finally released for good and wanted to be a comedian, in spite of their best effort to "legitimize" him and help him find a "real" job.
He finally 'fessed up to them about it, they accepted it and he did good and made them proud of him.

Lewis is another one I've loved since I found him.
I remember when he died, too.
And yeah, I also told Rob how much he reminded me of Lewis, too.

One more thing about TV, then I'm off to Rob's World for a while...

If I ever meet the guitar-playing dickweed who does that stupid new song ad about Snickers, I will go all Bluto Blutarsky on his ass and smash that damned guitar of his all to hell just to shut. him. up.
Only difference will be that I will NOT apologize for it.
I hate that idiotic commercial.
That one and about 93 other ones....
Gawd.
Who thinks up this shit?
Do they actually get paid to think of such ridiculous rot with which to torture us several thousand times a day and if so, WHY?
Their ideas suck, the commercials are nothing but outright annoying and I can think of lots better shit to waste money on than that kinda "talent" (and, I use that word very loosely here).

My achin' ASS.

Ya know?
*rolls eyes*

On that note...
I'm outta here.

Peace, ya'll...

Posted by: Stevie at 03:03 AM | Comments (3599) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

October 27, 2006

Oh (fuckin') puh-leeze....

The only "help" you need is TO EAT, and not puke it back up, you twig-like twat.

Posted by: Stevie at 04:50 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

One of Rob's commenters just made me damned near rupture myself, laughing...

In the comments from a post of Rob's from June 1, 2004 about country music:

With all due respect, Jim, "Galveston" does NOT belong on this Top 10 list and neither does Barf Brooks! I've got no quarrel with any of the rest of them.
Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on June 1, 2004 08:23 PM

"Barf Brooks"...
I almost pissed myself laughing at that....

*still laughing*

I can't stand that punk'in-headed fatass and in all the time I haven't liked him, I've heard him called a lot of things, but never that one before.

Thanks, Ralph.
I'll be using that the next time someone brings him up in front of me.
Hell... I'll never refer to him as anything but that from now on.

And, yeah, I do like a couple of his songs- Shameless, The Dance- it's HIM I don't like.

Gotta say, I heartily agree with "El Capitan", three comments above Ralph...
George Jones' "He Stopped Loving Her Today" should always be the #1 song on any half decent country music list.

That song could always drop me to my knees... even before I began associating it with Rob so strongly.

He said, "I'll love you 'til I die."
She told him, "You'll forget in time."
As the years went slowly by,
She still prayed upon his mind.

He kept her picture on the wall.
Went half crazy now and then.
But he still loved her through it all,
Hoping she'd come back again.

Kept some letters by his bed,
Dated 1962.
He had underlined in red
Every single 'I love you'.

I went to see him just today,
But I didn't see no tears.
All dressed up to go away,
First time I'd seen him smile in years.

He stopped loving her today,
They placed a wreath upon his door,
And soon they'll carry him away,
He stopped loving her today.

You know, she came to see him last time.
And we were all wonderin' if she would.
And it kept runnin' through my mind,
This time he's over her for good.

He stopped loving her today,
They placed a wreath upon his door,
And soon they'll carry him away,
He stopped loving her today.

Man.
That is one of the BEST love songs ever written.
And, as sad as it is, what's even sadder is that Jennifer will never understand any of it... what she had, what she threw away, or how true that song really is about those two.
Almost every word of that song was true for him about her.
Change that date from "1962" to "1992" and I'll bet it would be closer to perfect than it already is.

Typical Rob right here... taking me from laughing my ass off to tear-filled eyes all in one post.

Goddamn, I miss him.

And, I'll tell ya another thing... eating just one Lay's potato chip and walking away has got to be easier than reading just one post of Rob's and trying to get up and do anything else.

It's almost 1:30am and I'm supposed to be baking a cake. AND, the house could use a tweakin', yet here I sit, telling myself, "Just one more cigarette's worth of posts, then I'll get to that other shit."
A pack and half later... here I still sit.

There just is no "good" place to stop.

I've had as many as about 10 or 12 windows open at once with various posts of his in 'em, I have more bookmarked posts and "saved" pictures and just stuff...
Believe me, it takes me less time to type out these long-assed posts of mine than it does to be able to choose which of his posts to use over there.

*about two hours later*

Jeez... this stupid computer was running so s-l-o-w-l-y that I wandered off, waiting for something (I don't even remember what) to load and now it's about 4:30am, the cake is done (almost cool, in fact), most of the tweaking of the house is also done, AND I ran all the "clean up crap" on this thing.

Now, I'm about to run back to the stupid store for a coupla things I forgot earlier.

When I get back, I'm gonna finish the house, ice the cake and get a shower.

After that, I'm gonna run a piece of the cake up the road to some guy who works for the Boss who I "met" last night.

As I was going to the store the first time, I again saw some bonehead spotlighting for deer by shining said spotlight into the pasture where our horses are.

This pisses me off to no end.

The last moron I saw doing that, I pulled up behind in the (ex-cop) car and didn't go around him like he wanted, no... I "escorted" his foolish ass right the hell on down the road.
Three roads, in fact.
Then, I stopped by the State Police barracks and asked if it's by any chance ILLEGAL to be spotlighting for deer in a HORSE PASTURE, to which the reply was "no", accompanied by a look that suggested I may be slightly left of center.
(Smartass...)

So, seeing as to how HUNTERS get shot and they wear that ugly-assed ORANGE and my horses have no such "protection", to my mind, it's only a mtter of time before one of those chucklefucks shoots one of the horses, hence I don't appreciate assholes spotlighting the field they're in.
Not to mention the fact that it seems to me I'm on my own to prevent this.

Make sense?
Right.

Well, like I said, last night I caught another dorkus doing it.

Backing off a step, I decided to "only" shoot him the bird as his pickup headlights swept my car when he made his left onto the road I live on. (I was sitting at the stop sign...)
Anyway, he beeps at me and turns around.
Started following me down the road, SO, I led him right to the State Police barracks, where we "met" in the driveway and he asked me what I did that for, and said, "I work for ________." (The guy who owns this place...)

I explained to him how VERY much I detest people doing what he was doing and apologized since he works for our Bossman and everything was okay.
Except... I still feel bad about how much it bothered him that I shot him the bird.

He said, "I wave at you all the time and you wave right back, so why'd ya do that this time?", as if I could see who the hell he was in the dark.

"Why'd ya lead me here?", he wanted to know.

"Because you chased me down the road", I said.

"Well, whaddaya expect me to do when you do that?", ha asks.

"Shoot it back at me and go on", I replied.

I mean, really, who gives a good godamn about being shot the bird... besides this guy, apparently?

So anyway, to PROVE that I meant the apology more than the bird, I'm gonna take him a piece of cake and we're just gonna move the fuckin' horses outta that field before I end up beating the dogshit outta the next putz who spotlights it.

You aren't supposed to be shooting deer in a field with livestock in it anyway, so what the hell do they need to spotlight it for?
Even if the King of all Bucks was standing there, they couldn't shoot him, so why do they wanna know what's out there?

Christ, (some) hunters are some stupid fucks.
And, they really give the rest of 'em one hell of a reputation to live down.

Well anyway...

I've got a buncha shit to go get done, so, I'm outta here.

Peace

Posted by: Stevie at 01:36 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

October 26, 2006

Yeah...

That's been me over there for about the last week.

At first, I wasn't gonna say anything about it because I didn't want it to cause problems. Only Sam and Paul knew from the gitgo.

But... now it's out and I'm actually relieved about it. To my way of thinking, there isn't a better way it coulda happened.

My number one priority about this whole deal is keeping Gut Rumbles alive, like Rob told me he wanted it to be.
The hosting, domain name, and other behind-the-scenes kinda stuff is being handled by Paul.
At some point, we hope to be able to restore the "lost" archives to the main page, free of all the (expletives deleted) spam comments.
I've managed to find all but about six months or so of them and if anybody has any ideas, tricks or suggestions as to how to the find the rest of them, by all means, let me know.
Or, better yet, if anyone has ever linked to anything he wrote between November 2002 and April 2003, please send me a link. If I can find just one link to a single post, I might be able to recover 'em all like I did the ones I already have.
I don't care how difficult or "tedious" it might seem to be to do, I'll do it.
I'll do whatever it takes to recover Rob's words.

And, since it's "known" now, I also wanna say another thing...

In keeping with Rob's policy of tolerating trolls to a certain extent, I'll do it the same way he did.

You wanna flame me, that's fine.
But, have the balls to do that HERE.
Don't be trying to turn Gut Rumbles into a forum about me.
And...
Anybody tries messing with Rob or Sam, your ass is mine.

Rob didn't give a damn about people messing with him, but he did NOT put up with people trying to hurt those he loved.

Neither will I.

If a fisking is called for, it'll happen here.

All I want to do at Gut Rumbles is repost what Rob's already written. It's not a forum for any new posts on my part over there.
That's what Xfire is for.

And, unlike Rob, I have no problem banning assholes.
He'd not ban dickheads because he wasn't too sure of his computer skills, as he said more than once.
Well, one thing I do know how to do is shut down dickheads and I will, if need be.

It's not like it's any secret that messin' with Rob is the surest way to incur wrath like you've never seen before, sooo... I just hope any potential flamers, trolls or dickweeds keep that in mind.

For the most part, any "administrative decisions", I'll be leaving to Sam and Paul, but any outright egregious bullshit, I will take care of without bothering them about it.
I'll remove it, ban the asshole, then, if they say it oughta be restored, I'll do that.
But, I won't unless THEY tell me to, meaning a whole buncha other people bitching about it won't budge me, okay?

And, frankly, I'd hope that if anybody does wanna start shit with me about any of it, they'd have the cajones to do it here.
And, that even the trolls would know without being told that fuckin' with a guy who is no longer able to defend himself is beyond classless and cowardly.
Then again, people who do that kinda shit aren't exactly known for having balls to begin with, are they?

Anyway... Gut Rumbles is Rob's.
And, Sam's.
And Quinton's- even if he doesn't know that yet.
I'm doing what I'm doing primarily for them and to honor Rob and I won't allow anybody to screw that up or turn it into a way to hurt those people.

So, I won't be responding to any buttheads over there.
I'll drag it back home here and do any "new asshole (re)construction" on my own page, time, and bandwidth.

And, I'll probably enjoy doing that almost as much as I enjoy renewing Gut Rumbles every day.
Just so ya know that before ya start....
("Ya" being the/any troll I know is already thinking of what to say...)
(/ of sermon)

Now, if anybody has any posts of Rob's that they'd like to see again, feel free to let me know and I'll do my best to find it and get it reposted.
Same goes for pictures of Rob or anything else he ever did.

And, while I'm speaking of "anything else he ever did", a lot of that involved way less-than-flattering things about Jennifer.
So far, I've not posted any "BC" posts because I didn't want it to seem like I was bashing her all over again.

But... Gut Rumbles without the occasional dose of vitriol isn't truly gonna be "Gut Rumbles" and there are several posts of his that mention her that way (BC) and then go on to other, really cool things.
So, eventually, I am going to wind up posting things that reflect badly on her just so we can see the rest of the posts again.

Besides, it's not like she didn't bring his wrath on her own self by what she did to him.
And, yeah, I already know "she had her reasons", but I don't have her side to present, so... it's either not use about half of what he wrote or use it and to hell with who doesn't like it... excepting Sam, of course.
Quinton too, if he had a way of making his wishes about this known, but he doesn't, so I'm gonna leave it at "Sam".

Also, on this particular subject... I know that Rob still loved Jennifer when he died, so that does have some bearing on my reluctance to use heavily "BC" oriented posts. It's one thing that he said it. It's almost another for me to be doing it, in my mind.
But, only "almost".
I never did try to censor Rob or advise him on what he should or shouldn't be saying and I'm not about to start now.

So, when there are "BC" posts up over there, and there will be- eventually, just remember that they're Rob's words and feelings and my only "job" is to keep Gut Rumbles alive using what he left to work with.

And, once again, thank you, Sam, for giving me such a cool way to even begin to try to pay him back, to be able do something so wonderful for the man who did so much for me.

Posted by: Stevie at 07:01 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Random kinda things...

Here's a little tip for ya's...

If you have Nextel and pay the bill online, you know about the "submit" button and the little box that pops up and says to only hit the "submit" button once and that you'll get a confirmation page.
You may have also noticed the little "If Nextel security features refuse this for some unGodly reason, you still hafta pay your bill" warning under the "submit" button.

Whatcha might not know is that if ever you do click the "submit" button and, instead of the confirmation page, you get a "404" error message, you do NOT wanna keep re-trying it.

I, of course, found this out the hard way.

After trying SIX TIMES to get the confirmation page stating that Nextel had indeed accepted the $131 I was trying to give them for a bill, I got bored with that shit and decided to traipse on over to my bank page and just see if if it had maybe gone through anyway.

Well, it did.

SIX FUCKIN' TIMES!!!!

After I picked myself up offa the floor, changed my drawers, and got my vital signs back to "halfway" normal, I got in the phone.

First with the bank... "Our computer is down. Can ya call back later?"

Grrrrrrr...

Then, with Nextel... "Oh, we can take care of this. All we hafta do is fax your bank a letter releasing the payments and it'll be put back into your acount... *amid much stifiled giggling on their end of the phone*..."

Well, that'd be really nice since, thanks to your stupid page and my stupid, period, my account now thinks it's $317 in the hole and I do have other shit'll that being coming through...

So, then I end up in a three-way conversation with both entities at the same time, the upshot of which is, since my bank doesn't release temporary holds on funds "anymore" (meaning they musta done it at some point in their history), that my friggin' money is in some netherworld, waiting for two got-damned computers to get their shit in one sock and gim'me back my money.

Then, I get to try to pay Nextel again... IF I want.
*rolls eyes*
Yeah, I'll pay 'em... BY MONEYGRAM.

*siiiiiigh*

This, coupled with my renewed, strong-as-ever cold, has rendered me pretty much worn out before I even start, so I've just been sleeping as much as I can.
Every time I wake up, unless I hafta pee or something, I just take a coupla hits of Nyquil and make myself go back to sleep.

And, the two times I have managed to drag my ass down here, I've gotten a really cool message from two different people...

Bob... I'd LOVE to see Gettysburg with ya. Only thing that'd make me uncomfortable is if I haven't gotten this dental shit done by then, whenever it may be.
In fact, that (the dental shit), plus the fact that I've been nothing but blown off by my brother since BEFORE he even went to Iraq, I'm not stopping anywhere when I drop George off in Jersey this weekend. Except, maybe, for his Dad's house and even then, I've already told him to tuck and roll when we go slowly through his Dad's driveway and I fling open his door and push him out without even stopping completely.
I haven't even gone yet and all I want is to be back home already.

And, Cat... Thank you, man. I love you for that. And, again, as soon as I'm not embarrassed by my appearance, I swear, I'm gonna take ya up on that.
In fact, I've been trying mightily to talk George into goin' on down to Georgia this weekend, instead of making me go to Jersey.
I realize it's a three-times longer drive and all, but, I'd rather do 12 hours to heaven than three to HELL.
(Yeah, I hate Jersey...)

Besides, Cat... I miss you guys.

It was so nice hearing your big' ol voice with that gorgeous accent of yours that I saved the voicemail just so I can hear it again...
Love you, man... really...

And, now, if I don't stop, I'm gonna end up leaking about the eyes yet again, so I'm gonna.
Stop, that is, not leak.
I hope.
*grin*

In fact, I've been sitting here since about 3am and haven't even had a cuppa coffee yet, which, if ya know me, you know means there is something really wrong with me (which is this sumbitchin' cold-from-HELL), so I think I'm just gonna go get back into the warm waterbed and read.
Or sleep.
Or something.
(And, considering the fact that I'll be up there alone, "something" takes on a new and slightly twisted flavor, doesn't it? *lol*)

AAAnyway...

Peace, ya'll....

Posted by: Stevie at 05:05 AM | Comments (64) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

October 24, 2006

23 hours later....

(It's 5:30am as I start this. God only knows when I'll be done.)

The storm has not returned.

I got done that post yesterday morning and went to the stores.
Got the crap we needed and got myself an American sub.
Came home, ate some of the sub and got to talk to Eric about this shit.
(Then, later on, got an email that tracked that conversation almost verbatim...)

After Eric went back to work, I was gonna go to bed for a while, but, instead, I sat here reading blogs and FARK and shit.

Then, I got a comment from Vis that just.... he knew.
He so completely got what I meant that it just made it so I was able to go to sleep, finally.

Only thing is, I don't seem to sleep more than about 5 hours at a time lately, no matter what time I try it.

So, I went upstairs about 12:30pm and was back down here around 5:30.

After I got myself awake some, we three (me, Eric and George) got some diesel fuel and got the heater fired up.
Then, they helped me bring my critters back in.
The critters being the rabbit, roosters and duck....
I figure if it's cold enough for us to need the heater, it's too cold for them to be stuck outside.
If there was a good place for them all to be outta the cold and weather out there, that'd be one thing.
But... there's not, really, so... back in the house they come.

The guys helped me get the cages in here.
They're all kinda big and heavy and, hell, they were the ones who took 'em all outside while I was in Georgia, so... *grin*... stands to reason that they could be the ones to cart 'em back in, no?

So, the fact that my aminals (yeah, I know. That's how I say it, on purpose, sometimes... aminals...) aren't gonna freeze and since the house has heat now and my nose is no longer cold, I do feel better.

Talking to Eric helped, too, of course, however....

During the course of the conversation he asked me if I thought he'd still be here if he didn't love me and I said, "Well, kinda, yeah. You put up with way worse for 14 years..." and he said, "You don't think you've taught me that much? That I know now ya don't hafta live like that?"

I smiled and said, "Okay, so how long do ya think it's gonna take me to get you to where we talk about the shit that bothers us as soon as it bothers us so we don't hafta keep doing it this way?" and he said, "Probably never, on that one..."

*shoulder sag*
(me, that was...)

I wish I knew, or he did, why not.

I mean, yeah, it is a guy thing to not wanna discuss icky shit like feelings and emotions and such, but, hell... if it'll stop the "hitting a brick wall" thing, why not give it shot, guys?
(Yes, I am asking the men who read this to explain that, if ya can.)

And, about that email...

You were right about the whole "Eric/Rob/love and Eric not understanding the difference" thing.

Eric said he knows I do love Rob, but he also thought that he could have been replaced by Rob.
I don't know if I articulated it very well about "me when it comes to Rob", but, he does feel better about it, somewhat, now.
And, he doesn't really understand the whole deal to begin with too well, either, because he's not into reading or blogging and doesn't get how you can come to love a person from his words.
He doesn't get how you can feel a person from that.
(But, he did get the difference between being IN LOVE and loving someone.)

He even said, "Hell, I think Paul's done more for ya than Rob did, if you know what I mean..." and, I certainly do, but if it wasn't for Rob, I wouldn't know Paul and if it wasn't for Eric, I wouldn't have found Rob and if it wasn't for Rob and blogging and having all you guys in my life, however "viscerally" it may be, I don't know where I'd be by now.

And, I was asked a question in that email that I didn't know the answer to, so I asked the guys... "Do I do anything for ME like I do for them?"

The answer is: Nowhere near as much.

We managed to come up with:

I don't hafta have a job outside the house.
On the other hand, they all also keep telling me that if I did have a job that got me the hell outta here for a bit, I'd have less time to get all bunged up about stuff.
On the other other hand, even if I want to get a job, nobody would hire me right now because of the whole "dental bullshit thing" I have going on.
(What that is, is the loose tooth finally came out about two or three weeks ago and now I can't wear the three-tooth partial I already had either, so I have this gaping hole in my bottom teeth, right in front and it just looks... well, you know. I thought that was going to be getting "handled", but now I'm not sure and we can't really afford the 900 bucks all at once that I was told it would probably cost to have a four-tooth partial made and I have no insurance, so I'm kinda stuck. I really don't know what to do about that yet. I'm open to suggestions, too...)

Anyway, I don't have to work outside the house.
Nice, but that's not "something I do for myself". That's something I don't do, so that didn't really count.

Then, we came up with "I have all my animals".
Okay, yeah.
They are all for me.
I want 'em, I got 'em, I love 'em and they love me back.

And, we came up with "I get myself stuff like CD's and DVD's sometimes."

And, I just asked Geroge and he came up with "Blogging and sometimes you soak in the tub."

So, I do do a few things for myself, but I kinda feel like the next email is gonna say "That's not enough."
I just hope it also has suggestions of things I could do, because I'm stumped on that one.

Hell, I don't even get high anymore.
I know I could run back to Bucks without even calling the guy ahead of time, but I have no burning desire to do that.
(No pun intended... "burning"... *snort*)

There's also a guy right down the road who we know now (after a year) who said he could get it, but, again... don't really feel that pull, that need like I used to.
But, it was something I did for myself.
To survive.
Maybe I should start again?
(Yes, that's a question...)

I think the best part of all this has been the mostly shocking to me discovery that there are/were things bothering me that I wasn't really aware of.
That whole "breached security" thing, my (lack of) teeth... shit like that.
Then, too, in talking to Jr. last night, I found out that even HE doesn't ever want that fucknozzle Mike back here ever again, so I feel much better about that part.

Now, if I just knew how to get the teeth thing done...

I almost wish I hadn't realized that, because now it's really buggin' me and has been since it hit me.

I think the only reason I'll even leave the house lookin' like this is that, in my mind, the people at the few place I go, I know have seen me before, when I was able to wear the partial and all.
And, I know they know I haven't always looked like a hag and maybe they don't really notice too much because I do try to just keep my mouth shut when I'm out now and I also know they'll see me again when I get this shit taken care of (only now it's "I think they will IF I'm ever able to get it done...), so that's why I haven't just nailed myself into the bedroom or something yet.

And, I haven't really let this out here too much til now, so being able to just say it is helping a little, too.

I just wish I knew what happened to the way it was gonna be handled....
That seems to have changed dramatically and I don't know why.
I mean, it's okay if it has changed. It won't change how I feel about the person who offered to help me, but I just wish I knew for sure one way or the other, ya know?

Gah.

Well, before I get myself all torn up over that (the lack of communication more than anything else plus how awful I think I look like this), I'm gonna go now.

And, if there was one thing I would do "for myself", it would be "get these teeth fixed" if I could.

Anyway... thank you all again for responding yesterday and reading alla this now and mostly, for being there.

I don't know where I'd be without ya's....

Peace

Posted by: Stevie at 05:20 AM | Comments (47) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

October 23, 2006

I don't know what is wrong with me...

I really don't.
But, all day today (well, actually yesterday), I've felt it.
Only thing is, all I know about what "it" is, is the component parts.
I know what the bits and pieces are that I'm feeling, but I don't know why I feel this way at all.

I did go to sleep for a while.
Staggered to bed around 8pm and just got up a while go (around 1/1:30am), coughing.

And, what I felt earlier was right there, waiting.

I'm almost ashamed to say what it is I'm feeling, because some really cool shit has happened the last coupla days.
Been talking to my Dad.
Been talking to another utterly special person who gave me such a gift...

I have no buisness feelin' so bad.

But, goddamn it, I do....

I cannot stop crying.

Last time I felt such an overwhelming sense of loss and this alone, I found out the next day that Andy Harris had been killed by an Olde Dominion truck driver who must have been blind to have passed all those signs, including a stop sign, and plowed through that intersection, wedging Andy's pickup right in front of the tires on the trailer he was hauling and draggin' Andy sideways down the road for a quarter mile.

I'll never forget that whole episode...
I was sitting in my apartment, on the couch, channel surfing.
Tony was in the bedroom, also watching TV.
I cruised by the local information channel which showed ads for community happenings and played music in the background.

The song that stopped me was "Endless Love".
I thought I was impervious to that song, they played it so much when it was popular and it was old by then, anyway.
Never bothered me before... once I got used to it, anyway.

But, that night... it stopped me cold and I just fell apart.

It was like I was two people at the same time.
One bawling her head off and the other sitting there asking, "What da fucks wrong with you? Whatcha cryin' so hard about? This stupid song? What?"

I was heartbroken over God only knew what (but I was about to find out) and, at the same time, surprised by the ferocity of the feelings.
I may not have known what they were about (yet), but they were real.
And harsh.
Just like now...

I didn't go to Tony for comfort.
I don't remember exactly why... suffice it to say I knew it wouldn't be there.
But, he did come wandering out and asked me what was wrong and when I didn't know, he just shrugged and went on.

Went to work the next day.
Was working the night shift at the county 911 center.
Next morning, before the end of the shift, I went out and got the newspapers outta the driveway.
I unfurled one and when I saw the banner headline... about Andy's death... I damned near dropped right there in the driveway.

A few hours/days/eons? later, I remembered freaking out the night before and knew then what it had been about.

The hardest part was when it hit me that just about the same time I was losing it that night, Andy was being killed.
Around 9:30pm...

Ever since then, when I get like this, I hate it.
Not that I'm saying "die first, then I'll freak so I can know why I'm freaking.."

I just hate the enormity of these feelings.

And, I feel the same ones now that I did that night...

Loss, tremendous loss.
Alone-ness.
Fear.
Heartache.
I feel like I've got nobody to ask for a hug.
Nobody to understand this.
Nobody to just hold me and let me hide for while.
And, I don't know what I need to hide from, either...

I just do.
Just for a little while.
Can't somebody else handle shit?

What shit, though?
I wish I knew...

This started earlier today.
(Aagin... yesterday, really...)

I was sitting here, listening to Def Leppard on the headphones and snagging up Rob's lost archives left and right.

Eric was sitting in here, too, but for as much as I could feel him, I may as well not even know who he is.
It was like he's just this guy who lives here.
This guy who doesn't particularly give a shit about me one way or another.

I was trying to concentrate on what I was doing on here and he was watching a movie.
That's why I had the headphones on.
To block out "Crossroads", that blues movie.
See, Stevie Ray Vaughan kinda wrecked me for any blues style but his own.
When you learn about the blues listening to the way SRV played 'em, not even the original blues masters sound half as good when ya hear 'em.
I don't know why that is, but the original guys, the ones whose songs SRV covered, they sound cheap, tinny and nowhere near as soulful and rich as Stevie Ray does.
Maybe that's just me but that's the way it is... for me.

So, gim'me my Def Leppard.

Ah, yes... DefLep.
The guys who make me feel 20 years younger.
The band that makes me drive like Richard Petty.
The band with balls.
The music that rocks my soul in the way God intended.
The music that there ain't no way to feel bad while ya hear it.

Except... I kinda did feel bad a few times.

It was the music as opposed to the lyrics, but it was getting to me.

I'm sitting here having a blast finding and blogrolling alla those "lost" archives but I kept tearing up, too.

"Two Steps Behind" was fuckin' me up.
But, not all of the lyrics are something I'd want to say to Rob, so I thought that wasn't it.
Some of those words to that song, yeah... I will always be just two steps behind Rob in some manner.
And, maybe somewhere inside me, I do feel like it would have only taken a minute of his time to turn around and see that, but I also seriously doubt it would have done him much good.
I'm not Jennifer.

Then, the music of "When Love and Hate Collide" was gettin' to me, too.
As was the music, and some of the lyrics of, "Miss You in a Heartbeat".

None of the lyrics of either of songs stand out, so I'm thinking it was just the music that was getting to me.

Power ballads, man.
They'll rip your heart right out.

Like, for instance, "I Know What Love Is" is playing in my head right now and I do, I do wanna know, or remember, what love is. I need to feel that again, damn it.
But, I don't know where to turn for it.
It's another one of those things I feel like I shouldn't bother Eric about.
He's so not interested anymore....

Hey God...
Ya know what?
Either help me here, or kill me now.
I can't take this anymore...
Please.
me

*coupla minutes and a lit cigarette later*

Goddamn.
This shit hurts so bad... you should be able to die from pain like this just so ya don't have to feel it, ya know?
And, it's at least doubly frustrating not to know where it's coming from.

I swear to God, I don't feel, and can't think of, anybody to go to with this.

I didn't feel like Eric would be interested when he was awake, so I'm certainly not gonna bother him now.

George... I just don't feel that kinda connection to. He's my brother these days.
Not someone you go to with stuff like this.

I've tried calling Paul.
A coupla times.
And, the stone silence is not helping.
In fact, with my head the way it is right now, it's really easy to envision all sorts of shit about that, none of it good, most of it having to do with him wishing I'd fuck off already and not even wanting to talk to me long enough to tell me that.
I kinda know that's crap, but I also kinda can't help but wonder, too.

And yeah, Rob's gone, too, so there'll be no distracting myself at Gut Rumbles, but Christ, man... I've been hip deep in his words all day, anyway.

And, some of that's making me cry, too.

I just followed a link of his over to Dean Esmay's place from 2004.
I wound up in a heap again because the post was about Dean having to put a dog to sleep.
That's the second time I've lost it over Buttons' death.
I did the same damned thing when that was originally published.
Even thinking about "Rainbow Bridge"... make that "typing the words 'Rainbow Bridge'", sends me back over the edge.

Loss.
Lonliness.

That's all there is in this fucking world right now.

WHY?

I mean, I know I'm not alone.
Other people live here.
My Dad might be at work.
But, for some perverse reason, that doesn't seem to matter to my heart right now.

All it feels are the ones who aren't here.
Or, feel like they're not.
Chief among them is Eric, closely followed by Paul.

Rob's here.
Rob's all over place here.

In front of my eyes, next to me on the DVD cover, in my computer in more places than I even am anymore... so this isn't his fault.

I almost believe that Rob is here now more than he was before because his spirit can be.
He can be anywhere he wants to be now.
Wherever he's needed.
And, in more than one place at a time.

So, that's not it.

Let's list what's NOT wrong...
The house is clean.
The checks have cleared.
Nobody is ailing.
Nobody is dying.
All my animals are fine.

What is wrong that might possibly have any bearing whatsoever on any of this is:
I'm tired.
My cold has doubled back on me.
And, aside from the "Oh shit, who's gonna clean the house now, how do we get the to the bank account", and "Oh damn!, this is inconvienient", I feel like it wouldn't matter to anybody if I just went off somewhere and died.

And, to be absolutely blunt, if the only alternative is sitting here feeling like this, I wish I could.

I'm gonna go to Sheetz in a while and get Eric's Copenhagen.
Maybe I'll get squashed by a truck too, like Andy did, on Rt. 15.
Who'd give a damn, really?

Ya know, not even the things like that, the procuring of Eric's "goodies", brings the love from him it used to.
Now it's just expected, I guess.

All that shit I've been doing all this time has come to nothing, now.

It's only noticed when it's not done.

He used to love me so much, too.
He wrote me letters, sent me e-cards, hugged me all the time, gave me kisses constantly, told me he loved 50 million times a day...
When he says it now, it sounds like a substitue for "See ya later", or "Bye, gotta go now" or "shut up".

It sounds like a habit and not much more.
And, a habit you'd wanna break, at that.

Which makes my mind say, "Yeah. Bet he does. Just like Paul wants to. And George, and even your Dad, did."

Hmm. Guess perusing my own archives looking for the last two posts didn't exactly help me much....

I just talked to Dad last night.
Why NOW is the loss associated with him all that I can feel?

And, there's my stupid real brother.
Guess he meant it even more than I knew when he said he was gonna miss having a big sister at Adrienne's funeral.
Not even a phone call yet.
Nothing.
I honest to God believe it woulda been better if it had been me that died on June 19th of last year.
Or any goddamned day since.

Oh God... what in the hell is wrong with me?

Do you know, whomever "you" may be, that Eric doesn't even read Xfire anymore?
He used to.
And, I wonder if watching Rob's DVD right now would help, or make me wanna follow through on the "death" thing?

I am so sick and tired of my life.
I always wind up back here, in this freezing cold, lonely hell no matter what road I choose.
I always wind up simultaneously missing and envying the people I've lost to death because they're out of it, now.
It can't hurt them anymore.

And, I want that, too.

I just want to not hafta hurt.
And, not have to feel so all alone.

All I can think of is that I'd be able to talk to Rob, hang out with Jim Morrison maybe, or hug Andy again.
I could meet Stevie Ray, hear my Uncle Henry's voice again, see my Pop-pop Vanaman and I wouldn't be a burden on anybody around here for anything anymore.
I wouldn't have to sit here and wish somebody wouldn't mind holding me for a while.

And, if this is all hormonal, I swear to God, I'm gonna rip my ovaries out with my bare hands.

But, that's the last thing this feels like.
Besides, it's not time for that yet and it's changed lately and I don't seem to have all the attendant horseshit happening now days.
Just "that" itself and that's only IF it comes at all.
(It did skip a month this summer. Hope it skips lots more, real soon. Like... ALL of them, every single month of the rest of my stupid, useless and hateful life.)

*about 15 minutes later*

Well, that was fun. Not.

I was sitting here "preveiwing" this entry when I heard Eric come down to go to work.

I never have been one to postpone bad news. I learned early that you can't avoid it and ya might just as well bite the bullet, drink the poison from the cup... pick you perjorative... and get it over with.

So, after the usual "Hi's and hello's", I flat out asked Eric, as I dissolved into tears again, if he's still in love with me as much as he used to be.

"Used to be?", he says...
"Well, God yes..."

Then, he asked me why I was crying and sounded annoyed when he did, and I said a buncha other all-tangled-the-fuck-up stuff but made sure to tell him I don't blame him as much as I do myself for the way I feel or that his love may not be what it used to be for me, I don't expect him to be able to "fix" it right this second, that he needs to read this post and keep in mind that I'm in trouble here and, basically, begging for help that he can give me.
That I don't "need help", as in a psychiatrist, or drugs or any of that shit.
I just need to know if he still loves me like he used to.
And, so on.

Then, he started acting even more annoyed and did that "beaten dog, hanging his head, faking acceptance of his shit-life like I'm his ex" thing he so often does and then said that his biggest problem with me is that he thinks I don't want him to have to go to work and that my timing with this kinda stuff is monumentally horrific and that he even thinks I do this on purpose.

SO... while it was helping at first, that part almost didn't, but...

*about an hour and half later*

Okay.
The storm inside of me seems to abated quite a bit.

George came down shortly after Eric went out and, since it wasn't so intense in me anymore, I was able to get more or the "surface" shit outta me.
I had a general kinda "I'm fucked up right now, but not as like I usually am in that there's no violence wanting to come out, no rage this time, so what the hell is this?" conversation about my inner-tornado with him.

Started out asking him what he thought might be wrong with me, went into Austrialia, of all things, for a while, moved onto his Bosses pending stroke if he can't sell the cabin they refurbished soon, back to my shit and around and around for while.

That's when I realized another HUGE thing that I've been surpressing may have something to do with this.

For a whole year, we were all safe here.
Now, the evil cunt in New Jersey could very easily know where we are.
That asshole, Mike, who was here (and would NOT LEAVE), used to be her boyfriend (at least that's how she saw it, I'm sure) and, in keeping with her typical horseshit, she kept HIS shit when he ran screaming.

He (Mike) knows full well how to get here and he also wants his shit back, so what if he trades his shit for information or driving directions to this house to her?
Fuckall man, she already made it known she wanted to come here this past weekend "for her birth hatchday" and to "see her son" who wishes she'd just FOAD (fuck off and die).
Believe me, we put a stop to that shit.

I added the local State Police Barracks phone number to my cell phone, we told the Boss about it and then, George called her to warn her offa the idea.

Still... I think that bullshit, plus the whole "Mike" thing had more of an impact on me than I was giving it credit for.

My sense of security has not only been breached, it's been blown to hell, goddamn her. And, Mike, that dick,
Man, I do dearly wish and cannot wait for the day she drops dead of her own evilness.
Fuckin' bitch.

Anyway, while I know if she comes here, she's fucked six ways from Sunday, she'd still be here AT ALL in order for that to happen, ya know?

However, I'd rather have her here than that fuckhole Mike.

Anyway, before I get myself all worked up again...

I do have things I need to figure out.
I still want to know where this storm blew in from.
And, I'd like to know how to keep it from happening again as much as possible.
I still need to know that it matters, really MATTERS, that I'm not dead yet and that somebody does really love me.
Not everybody, just one person.
I need to know that I'm not just an either nagging or voiceless pain in the ass and that not everything I do causes irritation and that just maybe, what I do and try to do is good and helps and... matters.
I guess what I need to know most of all is that I matter.
Even just a little bit.

And, it would really be nice if Def Leppard would quit singing "Two Steps Behind" in my head....
(That's all the fuck I can hear right now...)

And, I'm dressed and getting ready to go get the Copenhagen and I also hafta stop at the Giant and get catfood and lunch meat.

While I'm there, I'm also gonna grab myself something good, yet as non-ass-forming as possible to eat (I'm starving now, which is a huge improvement over feeling despondant, lem'me tell ya), then I'm coming home, eating whatever I get and going the hell back to bed.

I am exhausted.
(Unfortunately, I'm not the kinda "tired" that sleeping will cure completely, but... it's a start and a temporary escape. AND, it's legal. *wry grin, which is better than no grin at all*)

To whomever reads this whole thing (and doesn't call the men in white coats)...
Thank you.
If you have any ideas, feel free to clue me in, okay?

Rob... I miss you a LOT and love you even more than that.

Eric... remember what I told you. I'm not blaming you for any of this, but I am trying to reach out to you for help, among other things, and if you do still have it in you, if I haven't killed it for ya, please help me. Love me as best you can and let me feel you again, okay?
I need you, Dude.
A lot.
I just hope to God not "too much".

Now, I'm gonna run you out a cuppa coffee to the parlor, see if there's anything you want from Giant and go.

And, if I'm asleep after you read this and you wanna come see me anyway, please do, okay?

I love you, ya know.
Way more than it seems like.
Almost more than I can handle, I guess...

Peace y'all...
(Hope I find some soon, too...)

Posted by: Stevie at 06:24 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

October 22, 2006

Okay...

To letcha's know what I'm doing and so I can keep it straight myself...

You may notice a bunch of Gut Rumbles links being added to my 'roll.
That's because I happened upon a post from Rob's lost archives last night and I'm going both forwards and backwards as far as necessary, as in from November 1st, 2001 allllll the way through 2003, up to and including Januray, February, March and April 2004 and retrieving those lost archives.

Now, here's where I explain this shit to myself....
Yes, the October 2002 archives are mostly on the Blogspot blog he had.
However, that site ends on the 26th and the link I have is complete... goes all the way to the end of the month.

The reason I don't simply have all the archives 'rolled by month is that the monthly archives are fubar.
What I'm having to do here is 'roll each month by going through each month to the first post of said month, then I blogroll that.
And, as I add each month, to keep them in chronological order (as opposed to alphabetical) I add a lower-case letter of the alphabet in front of said month.
AND, I've figured ahead to what letter each month will need by the time I'm (ever) done.
(This man does more posts per day than any other six bloggers put together...)

As of right this second, I still need to scroll through all of March 2004 to get April 2004 'rolled, which will lead to May 2004 which is on the Gut Rumbles front page, as is everything he's written since then.

After that, I need to go into November 2002 and, as the first of each month comes up, 'roll it with the appropriate letter so it'll all be in order.

That's why January, February and March 2004 have p, q, and r in front of 'em.
April will have "s", as soon as I get there.
Aaand, November 2002 will have a "b", December 2002 will have a "c" and so on all through 2003.
(October 2002 has the "a"...)

I'mina have a LOT of Gut Rumbles links when this is done, but... that's fine with me.
Christ knows there's enough dumb shit on my blogroll I can dump, if need be.

And, as for all this clicky-clicky I'm doing?
Totally worth it.
Ask me something hard....

So, yeah... if ya want to read some of Rob's posts that haven't been seen recently, go for it.
Whatever month you choose, you'll be taken to the first post for that month.
You'll have the choice to go forward or backward in time as you see fit.
The only thing I can tell ya about "leaving off" is to bookmark where ya are, so you can pick up where you left off later.

*coupla minutes later, after checking to make sure this makes sense*

Oh, and I'm finally in my flannel jammies with my cat-slippers on (I'm sure Rob would appreciate the irony in that).
Now all I need to do is go dry my hair and git my hot chocolate.
And eat.
I'm friggin' starvin'.

But, I just can't stop with his archives.
It's too cool to see all this stuff again.
I'm trying to not read the posts right now in the interest of getting this project done, but choice phrases keep catching my eye and making me stop and read.
Hell, I've even backtracked a post a time or two.
My eye sees the choice phrase right when my finger clicks the mouse and my brain says, "WAIT! What was that?" and back we go.

And, before I forget... some of the comments are also fubar in various ways.
If they aren't spammed halfway to hell, they're just not there at all.
But, I could give a shit less about the comments.
It's Rob's writing I want back.

And, thank all that is good and holy, that's what I'm getting.
(That, and carpal tunnel by the time I'm done... *giggle*)

Peace and happy reading....

Posted by: Stevie at 07:49 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Gawd, I am such a 'tard, sometimes...

(And, BlogDog, you'll like the proof of this, this time...)

My favorite way to go to the grocery store is with headphones on and DefLep in the CD player.
I do that quite often.
Twice, so far, the volume wasn't up as far as I'm used to it being and both times, I've bought new batteries the second I entered the store.

Now, this Walkman has two places for batteries.
One is on the back and there's another one on top.
Never had one like this before and, from what I know, if the volume won't max out, it's because the batteries are dying.

So, today, I'm at the Giant and I keep fiddling with the Walkman, trying to figure out why it's not loud enough.
With this booger maxed out, you can't hear any ambient noise whatsoever.
I love that...

Anyway, I'm standing there, like a dork, right in the middle of the aisle, messin' with this thing and talking to myself.

"I know I have a cold and I'm half deaf from it, but, man... this is ridiculous. What the hell... can't be havin' Def Leppard playin' this quietly. I can hear that crappy piped in shit this place calls music... ick."

I go buy batteries.
I go back to my cart and put 'em right in.

Still too quiet.
Damn.

I fiddle-fuck around with all the connections and choices this thing has and, as I'm giving up and winding up the 80 foot cord to shove it back in my sweatpants pocket, the big connector-thingy that makes the cord 80 foot long slides through my hand.
When it does, all of a sudden, Def Leppard is YOU ARE THERE, LIVE, AT THE CONCERT LOUD again.

Jesus Frick, man...

I jumped about three feet straight up into the air, then landed, grinning ear-to-ringing-ear.
And, I grabbed that connector-thing and started looking it over, trying to figure out how it "fixed itself" and the volume goes down again.

WFT?!!?

Then, it goes back up and I turned the thing over and... aha.

There is yet another volume control on it that I didn't know about.
(Who ME read the instruction booklet BlogDog so kindly included? Piffle. Too much testosterone in me for that shit... *lmao*)

Glad I didn't have a chance to throw those replaced batteries away...
Now, I have "extras".
*rolling eyes at myself*

I'll tell you what... when that wonderful device is maxed out on volume, I can leave the headphones around my neck and hafta have people yell at me in order to hear them.

Did I mention I love that?

"If it's too loud, you're too old*."
(*Unless it's rap, of course.)

Glad I figured that whole deal out before it woulda been advisable for y'all to buy stock in Duracell.
(Invested in Puffs, yet, have ya? "It's not too late", she snuffles...)

So, yeah.
I'm officially a 'tard.

And, I come home and tell this story and what do I get in surround-sound reply?

"Took ya this long to figure that out?"

*sam elliot look*

Aw, shaddap, you three...
I simply told them, "Yeah, but now it's official.", blew 'em all a Bronx cheer and commenced to makin' the potpie.
Which, by the way, I have approximately 21 quarts of, no shit, no lie.
I used my big-assed "low country boil" pot and it was full to within an inch of the top before it cooked down some.
Then, it was a whole TWO inches from the top.

Chicken potpie, anyone?
Please?
Made whomp biscuits and corn bread, too....
Still have some of each left...
C'mon.
Come get some.
Hell, come get a LOT.
I'd still have plenty left.

And, I saw two "odd" things in less than a mile on my way to the store, too.

The first one was some person, I have no idea who, in a plastic blowup Sumo wrestler suit, runnin' all around a somebody's yard.

That I didn't drive into a ditch staring at that is a testament to my kickass driving skills, lem'me tell ya.
I had no idea that my head could actually go around 180 degrees like that.

Then, I make my left at the light and there's this lady parked on the shoulder, waving at me to slow down, not that I was doin' 90 in the first place.
I nodded to her, took my foot off the gas, then saw this thing in my lane.
As I moseyed on up to it, I saw it was a deer.
A young buck, in fact.
She'd hit him and he was laying like he would have if he'd been in his resting spot/bed in the woods (not flat out), in my lane.
I stopped completely and waited til he got up and ran into the woods.
Believe me, I wasn't movin', or letting anybody else move, til he did.
And, when he did, I literally cheered for him and went on.

There was no blood in the road, just hair, and once he got his shit together, he looked like he was okay.
Wasn't limping or anything, just stunned.

And, it looked like the woman's car was okay, too.
Just left a black rectangular thing, like would go around a headlight or something, in the road.
Both she and her black rectangular thing were gone when I came back by.

I'm just glad that buck was okay.
And, yes, I do feel exactly the same way when it's me hitting the deer.
I'm all, "Fuck my car, how're YOU, man?" to the poor deer.
Every time, too.

Well, except that one time I thought the poor thing was dead and tried to put it in my PINTO, then it came to and wasn't too happy to find itself mostly in the backseat of a car and shit.
(What? You think it was gonna fit in the four-inch trunk those things have? Yeah, so did I, at first...)

God, that's a whole post unto itself, which I have done before.
Involved town cops, state cops, blood all over my car and myself, the deer still being in the field when we allll got back there in the parade I ended up in... Jeezus.

I'll have to find that post and put it up again.

Further proof of my 'tardation...

Matter of fact, I'mina go find it now and post it as soon as I find it.

Meanwhile...

Peace, people.

Posted by: Stevie at 01:19 AM | Comments (967) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

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