23 hours later....

(It's 5:30am as I start this. God only knows when I'll be done.)

The storm has not returned.

I got done that post yesterday morning and went to the stores.
Got the crap we needed and got myself an American sub.
Came home, ate some of the sub and got to talk to Eric about this shit.
(Then, later on, got an email that tracked that conversation almost verbatim...)

After Eric went back to work, I was gonna go to bed for a while, but, instead, I sat here reading blogs and FARK and shit.

Then, I got a comment from Vis that just.... he knew.
He so completely got what I meant that it just made it so I was able to go to sleep, finally.

Only thing is, I don't seem to sleep more than about 5 hours at a time lately, no matter what time I try it.

So, I went upstairs about 12:30pm and was back down here around 5:30.

After I got myself awake some, we three (me, Eric and George) got some diesel fuel and got the heater fired up.
Then, they helped me bring my critters back in.
The critters being the rabbit, roosters and duck....
I figure if it's cold enough for us to need the heater, it's too cold for them to be stuck outside.
If there was a good place for them all to be outta the cold and weather out there, that'd be one thing.
But... there's not, really, so... back in the house they come.

The guys helped me get the cages in here.
They're all kinda big and heavy and, hell, they were the ones who took 'em all outside while I was in Georgia, so... *grin*... stands to reason that they could be the ones to cart 'em back in, no?

So, the fact that my aminals (yeah, I know. That's how I say it, on purpose, sometimes... aminals...) aren't gonna freeze and since the house has heat now and my nose is no longer cold, I do feel better.

Talking to Eric helped, too, of course, however....

During the course of the conversation he asked me if I thought he'd still be here if he didn't love me and I said, "Well, kinda, yeah. You put up with way worse for 14 years..." and he said, "You don't think you've taught me that much? That I know now ya don't hafta live like that?"

I smiled and said, "Okay, so how long do ya think it's gonna take me to get you to where we talk about the shit that bothers us as soon as it bothers us so we don't hafta keep doing it this way?" and he said, "Probably never, on that one..."

*shoulder sag*
(me, that was...)

I wish I knew, or he did, why not.

I mean, yeah, it is a guy thing to not wanna discuss icky shit like feelings and emotions and such, but, hell... if it'll stop the "hitting a brick wall" thing, why not give it shot, guys?
(Yes, I am asking the men who read this to explain that, if ya can.)

And, about that email...

You were right about the whole "Eric/Rob/love and Eric not understanding the difference" thing.

Eric said he knows I do love Rob, but he also thought that he could have been replaced by Rob.
I don't know if I articulated it very well about "me when it comes to Rob", but, he does feel better about it, somewhat, now.
And, he doesn't really understand the whole deal to begin with too well, either, because he's not into reading or blogging and doesn't get how you can come to love a person from his words.
He doesn't get how you can feel a person from that.
(But, he did get the difference between being IN LOVE and loving someone.)

He even said, "Hell, I think Paul's done more for ya than Rob did, if you know what I mean..." and, I certainly do, but if it wasn't for Rob, I wouldn't know Paul and if it wasn't for Eric, I wouldn't have found Rob and if it wasn't for Rob and blogging and having all you guys in my life, however "viscerally" it may be, I don't know where I'd be by now.

And, I was asked a question in that email that I didn't know the answer to, so I asked the guys... "Do I do anything for ME like I do for them?"

The answer is: Nowhere near as much.

We managed to come up with:

I don't hafta have a job outside the house.
On the other hand, they all also keep telling me that if I did have a job that got me the hell outta here for a bit, I'd have less time to get all bunged up about stuff.
On the other other hand, even if I want to get a job, nobody would hire me right now because of the whole "dental bullshit thing" I have going on.
(What that is, is the loose tooth finally came out about two or three weeks ago and now I can't wear the three-tooth partial I already had either, so I have this gaping hole in my bottom teeth, right in front and it just looks... well, you know. I thought that was going to be getting "handled", but now I'm not sure and we can't really afford the 900 bucks all at once that I was told it would probably cost to have a four-tooth partial made and I have no insurance, so I'm kinda stuck. I really don't know what to do about that yet. I'm open to suggestions, too...)

Anyway, I don't have to work outside the house.
Nice, but that's not "something I do for myself". That's something I don't do, so that didn't really count.

Then, we came up with "I have all my animals".
Okay, yeah.
They are all for me.
I want 'em, I got 'em, I love 'em and they love me back.

And, we came up with "I get myself stuff like CD's and DVD's sometimes."

And, I just asked Geroge and he came up with "Blogging and sometimes you soak in the tub."

So, I do do a few things for myself, but I kinda feel like the next email is gonna say "That's not enough."
I just hope it also has suggestions of things I could do, because I'm stumped on that one.

Hell, I don't even get high anymore.
I know I could run back to Bucks without even calling the guy ahead of time, but I have no burning desire to do that.
(No pun intended... "burning"... *snort*)

There's also a guy right down the road who we know now (after a year) who said he could get it, but, again... don't really feel that pull, that need like I used to.
But, it was something I did for myself.
To survive.
Maybe I should start again?
(Yes, that's a question...)

I think the best part of all this has been the mostly shocking to me discovery that there are/were things bothering me that I wasn't really aware of.
That whole "breached security" thing, my (lack of) teeth... shit like that.
Then, too, in talking to Jr. last night, I found out that even HE doesn't ever want that fucknozzle Mike back here ever again, so I feel much better about that part.

Now, if I just knew how to get the teeth thing done...

I almost wish I hadn't realized that, because now it's really buggin' me and has been since it hit me.

I think the only reason I'll even leave the house lookin' like this is that, in my mind, the people at the few place I go, I know have seen me before, when I was able to wear the partial and all.
And, I know they know I haven't always looked like a hag and maybe they don't really notice too much because I do try to just keep my mouth shut when I'm out now and I also know they'll see me again when I get this shit taken care of (only now it's "I think they will IF I'm ever able to get it done...), so that's why I haven't just nailed myself into the bedroom or something yet.

And, I haven't really let this out here too much til now, so being able to just say it is helping a little, too.

I just wish I knew what happened to the way it was gonna be handled....
That seems to have changed dramatically and I don't know why.
I mean, it's okay if it has changed. It won't change how I feel about the person who offered to help me, but I just wish I knew for sure one way or the other, ya know?

Gah.

Well, before I get myself all torn up over that (the lack of communication more than anything else plus how awful I think I look like this), I'm gonna go now.

And, if there was one thing I would do "for myself", it would be "get these teeth fixed" if I could.

Anyway... thank you all again for responding yesterday and reading alla this now and mostly, for being there.

I don't know where I'd be without ya's....

Peace

Posted by: Stevie at 05:20 AM

Comments

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