Gone four months and he's still taking me by the hand (and heart) and leading me around, showing me things...

I'm sittin' here with a tear sliding down my face, another one wiped off already and a smile.
And, the smile is the end result of laughin' my butt off.

That's because of Rob.
Again.

Yesterday (I think it was), I noticed some trackback spam on the last few posts over there.
That pissed me off.
So... I got rid of it.

And, while I was there, in his trackback list, I started seeing bits of the trackbacks and posts from legit bloggers (and a few bleeding assholes) and started reading.

Then, I tried yet again to leave a link in his comments, farked it up yet again too, and had to go in and fix it.

Between the trackback list and the comment list, I've seen things lately I haven't seen before and revisited some things I have seen before and no matter what door I go in, or what route I've taken once "in", in the last coupla days, he seems to keep leading me back to the good parts.
Showing me things, teaching me stuff, reminding me of things, making me feel better.... just like he always has.

Yesterday, it was a post of my own that I "found", about Eric.
I read it, smiled, then radioed him just to tell 'im I love him for no reason except that I could.

He started to ask what brought that on, then kinda knew without being me explaining it.
Which is good, not for the least reason, that when I radioed him, he was working and had I had to explain the route by which I ended up talking to him, he'd have had to clock out, it was so long.

Just now, I was again deleting trackback spam and it happened again.

I saw a post of Rob's titled "She needs a hug", clicked on it and... it went to me again.
Apparently, on June 26th 2004 (and no, the irony there is NOT lost on me), I was having what I considered a "bad day".
(Little did I realize that I had the right date, but wrong year... Gawd.)

Anyhoo... Rob saw that post, did one of his own about it and left me a comment saying "Pappy loves ya, Stevie. Hang in there.", hence the tear or two... maybe three.
With his comment were several others...

One from Velociman promising me a lambchop from outta his crawlspace where he'd been busy hiding bodies.
That made my eyebrow do an interesting contortion or two and also made me giggle.

Another comment from Terry Reynolds offering to come clean my horse stalls... *grin*
Terry was the first person I ever knew from blogging who died.
I miss him, too, and still have the picture of himself and the parrot magazines he sent me.

There were a bunch explaining that site meters are never really accurate.
One person had three on his site and they all said something different.

Then, a guy named Peter (among others) said that he reads Xfire all the time, but hardly ever comments because what I write about doesn't usually lend itself to being commented on because it's not really stuff people can argue about.
It was suggested: "Maybe you ought to start a nice blogwar with somebody. We could all choose up sides and hurl invectives and act like children and just have all kinds of fun.
Oh, and Stevie? Ease up a little on talking about how much you suck. You'll get all kinds of uninvited marriage proposals and a visit from Bill Clinton."

That made me laugh, right out loud.. sitting here allll by myself.
Laughing.
Out loud.
By myself.

Oookaaay.

Yeah, I'm fine.
Or will be.

Rob will see to that.

Hell, he's even got me into watching "Gunsmoke" on a regular basis.
I kinda missed that the first time around because I wasn't really old enough to know how good it was/is, plus, until I had horses of my own, seeing shows where horses were the primary source of transportation used to just drive me nuts.

Then, after Rob had mentioned a coupla times that he liked "Gunsmoke" and had watched a marathon of it once when he was sick, I'd watch it once in a while, when nothing else was on.
(Hell, I remember when he was sick and watched that marathon because when I read that, I tuned to the marathon too and left it on whether I was actually watching it (or writing or doing laundry or whatever) or not. Kinda like watching TV with Rob and made me feel like he wasn't alone, even if he didn't know it... *grin*)

Then, when I got sick myself, back in August, I started watching it a lot.

Now days, before I go to sleep, I make sure the TV in the bedroom is on TVLand and every day (that I actually sleep at night), I wake up to Marshall Dillon. And, if I'm awake all night, I fall asleep to it, knowing Matt will be seeing to law and order and keeping the peace.

Festus is my favorite guy. He's cute, he's got that voice and he's always trying to be fair and nice about things.

Every time I hear that theme song, I picture Rob in the Crackbox, contentedly settling down with a pile of boiled peanuts to watch it.

One thing though... James Arness shoulda had a bigger horse.
Of course, for him to have had a horse that "fit" him, it woulda had to have been a Clydesdale... *lol*

Anyway...

Finding Rob in the first place was one of the best things that ever happened to my life.
Being given access to him now, from the inside, is like finding him anew.
It's just as good, just as healing... just what I need.
And, being able to fulfill his wishes for him.... God.

It's FOR HIM, yes, but it's also a gift to me, the likes of which one rarely ever gets.

I see that, I know that, and I appreciate that NOW, right while it's happening.
And, that is a gift unto itself, too... to be able to KNOW how wonderful a thing is as it happens instead of in hindsight.

And, I think that that... the knowing what I had with Rob while I had it and knowing what I have now while I have it and this being him, too in a way, is one of the things that makes Rob unique and so personal to me.
I've certainly not had this happen very many times in my life.
Maybe with a horse or two that I've had, but, not with very many people.

Another thing is how many other good things have come from finding Rob...

Paul, Terry Reynolds, Cat, Velociman (and I'll always love him because he so got my salad dressing post), blogging itself... even "discovering" "Gunsmoke".

There's a lot more, but if I were to sit here and list them all, I'd never get this house cleaned, nor get the shower I wanna go get, nor get to the store (yet again) or any of the other hundred things screaming for attention around here.

And, frankly, just submerging myself in Rob's archives makes doing alla that shit hard enough.

That's the one thing I can't fully understand myself...

Why is it, when I know I can do this any time I want, I'm not limited in any way, it's all right here... why, when I delve into the archives or start wending my way through the trackbacks, comments or whatever, can't I STOP?

You'd think it would be a snap to say, "Okay. Gotta go do other stuff now, for a while. I can come back to this aaaany time I want, it'll be here." and get up and go do all that other shit.

But, it's not.

Once I'm in, I stay in til my eyeballs feel like sand-covered bowling balls and if I don't go to sleep, I'll fall alseep right where I sit.
That, or somebody bodily carries me away from here and insists in one fashion or another that I "participate" in life around here in some "live and in person" manner.

And, when I'm in there, I'll have 42 frickin' windows open with different sites and things in them that Rob has lead me to.

And, except for the times that I've been doing it for so long that I'm literally falling asleep sitting up, I'm not worn out by it all.
I'm not torn up over it, or depleted emotionally or anything.
In fact, most of the time, when I am able to tear myself away for whatever reason, I come away feeling good, refreshed, renewed... like I've been on a vacation to someplace really awesome or something.

*coupla minutes later*

Anyway, speaking of "getting up from here", I should do that real soon.

My house is being taken over by clutter, I want to go grab a shower, wash my hair and go to the store, I'm about to be overrun with hungry men-folk and it might be nice of me to MOVE so someone else could use the 'puter. (Anybody got a laptop they don't use anymore? *grin*)

Oh shit.
The front door just opened.

Here comes Eric...

*coupla seconds later*

Wiseass... he just came in, gave me a kiss, and said, "Gee, that's different."

"What's different?"

"This", he says, running his finger across the top of the screen. "Doesn't say Gut Rumbles...", grinning at me.

"Aw, hesh up, smartass..."

And, now he's headed for a shower, so I guess I have time to get something posted over there (what da hell song, or whatever, is it that has "over there" repeated in it? My brain is singing those two words at me, over and over, but I don't know what it is, actually...) while he's doin' that.

I mean, hell... all I hafta do is click over to one of the other (only four, this time) open windows...
*cheeky grin*

Peace

Posted by: Stevie at 06:50 PM

Comments

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Posted by: vizsladog3 at October 31, 2006 07:33 PM (4qWsH)

2 Well, you just did...

You are another of the wonderful people and many cool things that I got from him, ya know...

I wouldn't even know what a blog is, if not for him, so all the good I get from it, I attribute to him, no matter how many degrees of seperation there may be.

Thanks, Lovey...
Hope you have a Happy Hollow-weenie (*giggle*), too.

Hugs on ya...

Posted by: Stevie at October 31, 2006 07:58 PM (cnFaD)

3 Go, girl! blogdaddy would be proud.

Posted by: richard at November 01, 2006 12:28 AM (ytGgq)

4 I do hope so.

And, thank you ever s'much for saying that.

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5 Stevie,
your words resonated so i pulled a post from april (and gave it a dumb new title) in honor of rob's influence on me. he proofed my original header for me so there would be no comma abuse. he was a good 'un.

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Posted by: 大人可愛い専売店 セール対 at January 15, 2016 02:54 PM (74/wZ)

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