Rocket Jones

March 08, 2007

That Chekov, He's A Funny Guy

Anton, not Pavel.

Posted by: Ted at 05:00 AM | Comments (64) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

March 06, 2007

More Hippy Horror

Some time ago, I listed a whole bunch of movies that I wanted to track down and see, based simply on their descriptions. One of them was Track of the Moon Beast, and here's the synopsis that was given in the catalog:

During a meteor storm, a fragment strikes Paul Carlson, burying itself deep in his skull. An unpleasant side-effect develops causing Paul to mutate into a giant reptilian monster at night and go on murderous rampages.

I've recently added Track of the Moon Beast to my collection. Just for a change, I'm going to live-review this flick as I watch it.

Opening scene: an astronomer gazes into the night sky and focuses in on a flaming fireball. Really bad special effect.

Quick cut to an indian dance and chant ceremony, then back to the cheesy fireball. We find out via a news report that it's a meteorite that's going to hit the moon.

Joe Stud (Paul Carlson) shows up, takes off his shirt and begins carefully excavating a small bone in the ground. Apparently he's an archeologist. Funny thing though, after delicately brushing away the dirt from around the bone, he carelessly drives the shovel into the ground not two feet away to get it out of his way.

Professor buddy shows up, named Johnny Longbow. Another indian reference. Two graduate students accompany him, and we learn that the thing they just threw on the ground was an ancient Indian burial mask that they'd borrowed from a museum.

Bimbo photographer also introduces herself. Short shorts. Big blond hair.

He's not an archeologist, nor an anthropologist, he's a minerologist. What's he messing with bones for?

News report: impact on moon was "beyond the end of the Richter scale". NASA keeps reassuring everyone that all the ejecta headed towards the Earth will burn up in the atmosphere. The grad students are raving over the "authentic indian meal" that the professor made. When they ask what's in it, he rattles off chicken, corn, green pepper, chilies, onions... Wow, that's some serious ethnic cooking.

Joe Stud takes the photographer up to the top of a mountain. They're falling for each other. She's changed clothes, kind of, still short shorts.

Pretty good meteor storm, right up until one zings into the ground right near them. The photographer dabs a cloth at Studs temple, where he's bleeding a little from the meteorite grazing him. He snags the cloth from her good naturedly and flings it to the ground. Way to go, eco-boy. He finds the meteorite that almost nailed them and waits for it to cool off (maybe 10 seconds) before putting it into his pocket.

The photographer was hired for looks, not for acting talent. Either that, or the casting director was related to the producer.

They wind up at his place, where they have some deep soul-searching conversation before he scares the shit out of her by introducing her to his pet Komodo Dragon.

Hippy music!!! Yay! A Tom Petty wannabe on accoustic guitar accompanied by a bass and a chick singing harmony. Hint to bass player, don't wear black if the spotlight isn't on you. Looking at this 70's crowd, I'm thinking it might be a zombie movie, but no, they're all just "grooving" on the music.

Costume change! Photographer wearing a dress-kinda thing, still short short, but proves that she's not completely flat-chested. She looks nice, if only she'd stop trying to act. More indian lore and references, they're really pushing that aspect. We get it already.

Twenty seven minutes into this flick before the first murder happens. Still no monster shot, no gore, just a puddle of blood and some screams.

Next morning, police chief calls in Professor Johnny, shows him a bloody handprint on the wall (super-sized) and then a footprint in the mud. It's a dinosaur footprint.

Pink short shorts and matching terry top.

Chief and Professor see an expert over at the university, and when the Chief expresses disbelief that anything that large can be living in New Mexico, both of the academics assure him that lizards that large do exist. It takes a minute to realize that they're both talking about Komodo Dragons in Indonesia! The footprint though, is from something "closely related to Tyrannosaurus Rex!" (cue scary music)

The professor makes all of his own archery equipment (Johnny Longbow, get it?), right down to chipping flint arrowheads. He keeps it in the back of his car, along with two ears of maize for impromptu demonstrations.

Forty minutes in, we get our first look at the monster as he kills four guys in a tent. The monster looks like a man in a lizard-suit, minus the tail. It's pretty pathetic, as is the gore and special-effects. Particularly pitiful is the arm being ripped off.

Photographer dress-up day! Maroon business outfit over pale-pink blouse. Still short shorts though.

Stud's Komodo Dragon escaped at some point, and he doesn't seem the least bit concerned. He sure get a lot of shirtless time in this movie. Oh, and he's got a chunk of meteorite embedded in his brain.

Professor Longbow is showing the police chief a series of 400 year old paintings that depict an ancient lizard demon attack. I'm no indian painting expert, but those were drawn by a third grader told to paint like an indian.

Fifty-one minutes. Scientific mumbo-jumbo alert! At least the professor says he doesn't really know, just before launching into a detailed nonsense explanation.

Joe Stud is tied down in the hospital so they can see if he turns into a lizard monster overnight. Theory confirmed. There's a fairly well done sequence of him turning into the monster, up to the last scene, which really doesn't follow from any of the prior physical changes. He's shook up when he realizes that he's killed six people.

VIP's. Gotta hate 'em. "May we get off the plane first, please? (we're very important)". "Of course, that's already been arranged."

Experts have been brought in, but Joe Stud is screwed. His solution is to run away from the hospital to commit suicide. Photographer (monotone): "Oh Paul, why couldn't there be time for us?" Dressed in a tight white top and tighter black slacks.

How convenient, someone leaves a motorcycle running (and helmet) in front of the hospital just as Joe Stud comes out to make his escape.

One hour, eight minutes. Piss-poor motorcycle spill. Obviously every expense was spared when it comes to stunt performers.

The photographer randomly pulls off the road and grabs a pair of binoculars. She spends 10 seconds scanning a mountain and zeroes in on Joe Stud among the rocks. At least she looks both ways before crossing the road.

Another nice scene of transformation into the monster, this time focusing on his hand. Two cops on the road hear the photographer screaming halfway up the mountain and start to fire into the darkness, as if they could see anything.

Professor Longbow pulls out his bow and a special arrow. He's made a special arrowhead out of meteorite. I'd be a lot more confident if he wasn't lashing it to the shaft while he explained what he wanted to do.

Photographer lies to everyone else (again) and drives off. She takes a random turn and slams on the brakes because the monster is right in front of her. Instantly, professor shows up, takes aim and puts the arrow into the monster's chest.

Pretty special effects, mostly ruined by everyone standing ten feet away while monster disintigrates in spectacular fashion. This thing was supposed to be atomically unstable, shouldn't you be getting the hell away from it?

No closing credits. Huh.

This wasn't the hippy-fest I was expecting. The hairstyles and clothing was seriously 70's, and except for that one goofy song, the soundtrack was conventional monster movie fare. Pretty bad, but not in a bad way. Don't go out of your way to see it, but if it comes on tv and every single thing you've ever wanted to do with your life has already been done, then I suppose...

Posted by: Ted at 09:49 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Hippy Horror

Being under the weather for a week means I've had plenty of time to watch those crappy horror movies that I love so much. This one is long on the "crappy" part of the description and short on the "horror" part.

Slashed Dreams is notable more for its background story and the cast than for any resemblance to entertainment. This movie is bad. Bad bad. This movie is so bad that the horror derives from the concentrated badness of it. In spite of that, several of the cast members went on to long and successful careers in television and on the silver screen, which boggles the mind after appearing in this movie.

Somebody PLEASE kill that singer!!!
-- reviewer comment on IMDB.com

Made in 1975, this flick features (to tragically misrepresent it) folk music in the peace-puppies-and-sunshine style, sung by some unknown songstress. Her name doesn't appear on the credits, which leads me to believe that a lawsuit was involved. Either she sued to remain anonymous, or the producer sued her for her (major) part in this fiasco.

The storyline: Two college students, a guy and a girl, head into the mountains to visit a friend who's "looking for himself" by being one with nature. They meet two local nitwits who rape the girl and beat up the guy. They get over it and walk away hand-in-hand into the sunset.

That story should realistically take about ten minutes to tell, yet they stretch it to almost an hour and a half with endless (at least they seemed endless) montages of the two hiking through meadows, picking berries, admiring waterfalls, climbing rocks, etc. All accompanied by that treacly soundtrack.

The monotony - and that word is perfectly descriptive - is broken only when the two go skinny dipping and we catch the briefest glimpse of the lady naked. Even though you only see he from three-quarters behind, it's obvious that Kathrine Baumann has a spectacular body. It's a shame that we didn't see more of her, especially since this was her only nude scene ever.

The rape happens and the two are shocked to find that the world isn't the loving, peaceful la-la land that they thought it was. The next day their friend arrives back at the cabin and we get the second treat of the movie ("treat" being a relative term here since at this point the DVD player catching fire could be classified as a treat). Their friend is none other than Robert Englund, of Freddie Krueger fame. He turns in the best performance of the movie, which is a shame because he's only seen for about the last ten minutes. Not that he does anything except be sensitive to her needs and offer sympathy. There's no thought of revenge or retribution here, just more flower-power passivity.

After a few minutes of getting over it all, the other guy sees the two rapists and goes after them. In one of the lamest fights ever recorded, he manages to knock one into the mud and actually throws a few punches before Freddie (you know who I mean) and the girl show up and the bad guys run away. "They won't be back" is actually spoken. Yeah, getting one muddy is really going to deter them in the future. Sheesh. The ending is literally as described, the two hikers walking off hand-in-hand into the sunset. To that music.

Background story, you know, the interesting part. This film was originally released as Sunburst and was quickly and rightfully forgotten. Then, after the phenomenom of Nightmare on Elm Street, everything that Englund ever did was dusted off. This bomb was re-titled as Slashed Dreams (gee, I wonder why?), by crudely overlaying the original title in the credits and re-inflicted on an unsuspecting public as "horror". Ok, so not so interesting, but once again, it's relative to the rest of the film, which makes it downright fascinating.

Posted by: Ted at 04:14 PM | Comments (104) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Weakling

I've been fighting a cold for almost a week now. Tomorrow I *have* to be at work, so I called in today to get some much-needed rest. Mmmmmmm... Nyquil.

Posted by: Ted at 09:16 AM | Comments (36) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Know Your Japanese Movie Monsters, Part 2 - Mothra

Outside of Japan, Mothra is probably the best-known monster after Godzilla. Maybe it's the influence of my culture, but I don't think I'd ever think of twisting reality to the point of creating giant turtles and moths as monsters.

Thank God for the Japanese, eh?

Quick, grab the psychodelic bug spray!

As monsters go, Mothra is pretty much another good guy. No one knows how Mothra originated, but it is known that it was the guardian for an ancient subterranean race on Earth called the Cosmos. Another race created a monster to fight Mothra and although Mothra defeated the other monster, the Cosmos race was mostly destroyed in the battle.

The first Mothra movie starts out when researchers discover that several shipwreck survivors suffer no radiation poisoning after landing on an island used for atomic testing. A team is sent to find out why, and they discover that the island is not only inhabited, but the natives are healthy despite the recent tests. They also find two miniature fairies who are protected by the villiagers. The researchers attempt to take the fairies with them back to Japan, but the natives arrive and thwart their plans.

A few weeks later, the head of the research team arrives back on the island, this time leading henchmen instead of scientists. His crew machine gun the natives, he captures the fairies, and they make their escape.

Back in Japan, the fairies become a nightclub singing sensation, but people don't realize that the enchanting songs that they sing are actually pleas for Mothra to awaken and rescue them. The Mothra egg hatches on the island and the giant larvae comes to (surprise, surprise) stomp Tokyo.

The entire tomato crop is in danger!!!

But this is Mothra! First, after some preliminary destruction, the larvae creates a cocoon on a giant downtown tower, and finally reemerges as the fully grown Mothra. While it's been metamorphosing though, the bad guys have taken the fairies across the ocean to New York (cleverly disguised as "New Kirk City"). Mothra flies across the Atlantic and for a change of pace stomps New York Kirk City for a while.

Finally, through some clever misdirection, Mothra is lured to a spot where she is reunited with the fairies, and they return to their island home.

Suggestion: Search US cities for Al Gore eggs, before they hatch into larvae.

Now, that sounds weird. Believe me though, Mothra movies just got more and more strange through the years, eventually resembling some kind of enviro-whacked acid trip. At least thirteen Mothra movies have been made, and the last few have been out and out children's fantasies focused on righting environmental dangers to Earth.

Something else unique about Mothra is that the monster is a God. Not possessing god-like powers or being a gift-from-God for the Cosmos or such - Mothra is literally a God. For all that, God dies a lot. Mothra spends much of it's time in egg or larvae form, and when the "adult", insect version gets killed, the new egg hatches and Mothra returns to save the day.

Among Mothra's powers are the aforementioned telepathic link to the Cosmos Fairies and the ability to fly at supersonic speeds. In various movies you'll find Mothra can project a poisonous yellow dust, shoot rays from her antennae or lightning from her wings. She can also block Godzilla's radioactive breath ray.

Trivia:
In the first Mothra movies, the fairies are played by The Peanuts, who were a popular singing duo in Japan and Germany at the time. After the success of the movie, they released an album in the US in English.

Mothra was by far the most popular monster among women in Japan, which convinced studios to feature her more often.

Mothra is usually, but not always, female.

One of the stars in the original Mothra was US actor Jerry Ito. We all know about the Japanese and problems with the letter "r". He was billed as "Jelly" Ito in the film credits and most all publicity materials.

I'd like to thank Monster Island News for Mothra information and pictures. That's a great link to follow for all kinds of interesting B-movie knowlege. Wikipedia also has a nice page about Mothra.

Ooooo looky! You can purchase a plush of Mothra here! Isn't the internet wonderful?

Posted by: Ted at 08:43 AM | Comments (1116) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

March 05, 2007

Not To Brag, But...

List all 50 states in ten minutes.

I did it in 4:53, but spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to spell &@*#! Massachusetts.

Thanks to Transterrestrial Musings for the pointer.

Posted by: Ted at 05:24 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

March 04, 2007

Mid-Sen...

I cringe when I hear about people who are "writing the last chapters of their lives" or similar sentiments.

Bullshit.

I don't care how old I get, my life story (like anyone would ever actually write it, let alone read it) would be going along great guns and then abruptly end in mid-sentence.

Because if yours doesn't, then you wasted at least some of the precious gift that life is. Or even worse, you gave up too soon.

Posted by: Ted at 08:22 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

"Cute" Is Just A Disguise

I've said before that Ladybugs creep me out. In the spirit of "know thy enemy", I found this page with all kinds of information and pictures about ladybugs. *shudder*

Lots of info there, although some of the links seem to have expired.

Posted by: Ted at 08:03 AM | Comments (35) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

March 03, 2007

Chiller Theater

I Bury the Living(195

This black and white movie, despite the lurid title, sets up a nice little psychological study and does more with less than many other bigger-budget pictures. A prominent local businessman (reluctantly) takes over management of the local cemetary. While he's getting a tour of the place from the long-time caretaker, he sees this enormous map of the graveyard, filled with color coded pins. Black for occupied graves and white pins for plots that are already sold, for when the time comes.

Here is where an odd note strikes me as a plot point that just doesn't ring true. Apparently, everyone in town goes to this cemetary for any reason at all. It's like reunion week as folks drop in and reminisce about how the old manager's office sure hasn't changed over the years.

Back to the story. The manager, Kraft, accidentally puts black pins into a couple's newly-purchased plots, and shortly afterwards the couple dies in an automobile accident. When he discovers the incorrect pins, he feels somehow responsible for their deaths. Fully understanding that it was purely coincidental, he nevertheless randomly selects a plot and replaces the white pin with a black pin, just to prove to himself that he's being foolish.

Guess who drops dead? From here on, the focus of the story is on the manager and his attempts to understand what is happening. He calls in the police and his good friend (played by Herbert Anderson, who you might remember as Henry Mitchell from Dennis the Menace), and tries to convince his business partners that he caused those deaths. Every step of the way, the others involved refuse to believe him, and they ask him to exchange more white pins for black, to prove to him that he's not the cause of these untimely deaths. His mental condition deteriorates quickly until he realizes that if he can place a black pin to kill someone, then he can place a white pin to bring someone back to life (a Poe-etic ending, if I do say so).

Done groaning?

The plot is full of misdirection and twists, so don't think that I've given away any spoilers.

Richard Boone (Paladin from Have Gun, Will Travel) plays Kraft and does a fine job. Theodore Bikel (200 Motels) and his outrageous Scottish accent co-star. He's enjoyed a long and active career, appearing on television to this very day. But the real scene stealer of the movie is the map. As the movie goes on and Kraft descends farther into despair, the map seems to grow in size and power relative to him. The map itself is not malevolent, it's just the channel being used to focus Kraft's power. Because of the low budget, instead of special effects we're treated to several creative camera tricks (ok, and a few not-so-creative ones too). The above average direction and cinematography really help this movie to shine.

I see that I Bury the Living has been shown on Turner Classic Movies. If you get a chance to see it, it's worth the time and trouble. Recommended.

Posted by: Ted at 10:41 PM | Comments (46) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

February 28, 2007

Heads Should Roll

Someone, somewhere along the line, seriously screwed up with my laptop. I took it in to the repair shop today because it no longer recognized the CD-ROM drive. I should get it back, good as new, in two weeks.

The warrantee doesn't expire for another month and a half.

Posted by: Ted at 08:28 PM | Comments (66) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

It's As Hot As The Surface Of The Sun, Perfectly Suitable For A Spot Of Culture!

In Nevada, the Goldwell Open Air Museum.

Ignore the pretentious bullshit such as:

[a] group of prominent Belgian artists created a self-described art situation

Just follow the link, check out the photos, and bask in the cool.

Posted by: Ted at 11:59 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

You Can't Hit What You Can't See

At least, that's what they used to say, now you can't even hit what you can see.

"I can't see the [expletive deleted] thing," said RAAF Squadron Leader Stephen Chappell, exchange F-15 pilot in the 65th Aggressor Squadron. "It won't let me put a weapons system on it, even when I can see it visually through the canopy. [Flying against the F-22] annoys the hell out of me."

Your tax dollars at work, and apparently delivering what was promised.

Thanks to QandO for the pointer.

Posted by: Ted at 11:15 AM | Comments (25) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

February 27, 2007

Doom, I Tell You, DOOOOOM!!!

I laughed my ass off during my commute home today. Newsradio breathlessly announced, "Stock Market Crumbles".

Holy shit! I needed to hear more!!! I mean, China had a bad tumble overnight and just yesterday Alan Greenspan said the "R" word in a conversation.

After the commercial break, "upcoming stories" told me that the market had been down 500 points today, which is a big deal. Less than two minutes later I'm given the details that the 500 point loss was the low point of the day, and that currently the loss was 340 points. Still bumpy, but not the end of the world.

Five minutes later, the loss was reported as 305 points. Now I'm chuckling, especially when they remind everyone that today's "3 percent drop" pales in comparison to Black Monday in 1987 when the market dropped 22%.

Two minutes later and the loss is less than 300 points. This is comical.

I realize that the market will rise and fall (last week it set a new record high). I also know that over time, the stock market always goes up. I have a 401k and hardly ever pay attention to the market, other than in a general way. For instance, I've known that for weeks there have been warnings about a sell-off being long overdue. Today was the excuse everyone needed.

I don't even know what the final figures for the day are. I do know that it's not the panic-inducing event those nitwit broadcasters tried to make it out to be.

Posted by: Ted at 04:19 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

OJ Might Have Lots of Company While He Searches

The highest U.N. court cleared Serbia on Monday of direct responsibility for genocide against Bosnia. Serbia argued an obscure point that the court agreed with, which means that the Srebrenica massacre, targeted entirely at Bosnian Muslims (and filling more than eighty mass graves), was technically genocide, but not really Serbia's fault even though it was commited by Serbian troops. Or something nuanced like that.

Small comfort.

Posted by: Ted at 11:56 AM | Comments (59) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Cool New DooDad

Over at QandO, I learned about this nifty little add-on for us Firefox users called CoolIris. Simple to use, when you hover over a link, a small icon appears next to it, move the cursor over the icon and a preview window appears that shows what's at the other end of that link. Move your mouse away from the window and it automatically closes again. It does much more, but that's the foundation of the app. I've found it easy to get used to, fairly customizable and unobtrusive. Check it out.

Posted by: Ted at 05:15 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

February 25, 2007

Perfect... Bah!

Although the forecast has been changing constantly for the last couple of days, what was supposed to be sleet and rain turned into over four inches of wet, heavy snow.

Power was out for not quite two hours (I took a nap), and it looks like it's warming up a little bit now. Not a good thing, if it all re-freezes overnight. Tomorrow morning is looking to be a lovely commute.

Posted by: Ted at 02:49 PM | Comments (45) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

February 22, 2007

Maximizing Your Sports Entertainment Dollar

Last night my beloved San Jose Sharks were in town to play the Washington Capitals. You may recall that my wife had gotten us a pair of tickets for the game and gave them to me as a Christmas present (quite kick-ass, I must say).

In the extended entry is the low-down on the evening, for those so inclined to read all about it. But here I'd like to point out the odd coincidence that of the last three hockey games I've gone to, each has gone to overtime and then a shootout, and each time the team I wanted to win did just that.

If you'd like me to attend a hockey game for your favorite team, I'm sure we can arrange something.

Posted by: Ted at 11:32 AM | Comments (268) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

What The Hell Was That About?

This morning in the parking garage, I'm walking towards my exit when a young man in a little car pulls into an open space in front of me. I don't know if he's showing off or what, but he hits the gas halfway into his turn and smacks head-on into the concrete wall behind the parking slot.

I asked him if he was all right and got glared at for my trouble. I was tempted to ask him where his mental handicap hang tag was.

Posted by: Ted at 05:44 AM | Comments (80) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

February 21, 2007

Early Spring? (Updated)

This morning on radio traffic, I heard about an exploding manhole that had traffic blocked downtown. This is unusual for two reasons. First, this normally happens in Georgetown, not downtown proper, and secondly it's too early in the season for exploding manholes. This isn't supposed to start until springtime.

I've never heard of such a thing happening in any other city. Is this just a local phenomenom?

Update: Rob, over at Left & Right, is the man to see about DC's 'sploding manholes.

Posted by: Ted at 05:50 AM | Comments (58) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

February 20, 2007

The Final Word On Tim "Homophobe" Hardaway

A side-splittingly funny smackdown delivered with style.

Thanks to Off Wing Opinion for the pointer.

Rocket content only peripherally related: One of the funniest rocket names I've ever seen was "Spock's Johnson". Straight up, it was.

Posted by: Ted at 07:20 PM | Comments (115) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

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