This Thread Is A Joke!

So, lots of good threads by the COBs and open bloggers today, how about a joke thread? Post your favorite jokes in the comments, see if we can get everyone laughing. Tomorrow I'll write about the things that make Switzerland great. I haven't finished it yet, but so far the flag is a big plus.

Posted by: WeirdDave at 06:30 PM

Comments

(Jump to bottom of comments)

1 First?

Posted by: Mrs. Leggy at November 22, 2021 06:28 PM (Vf4Y7)

2 Now that's funny!

Posted by: Mrs. Leggy at November 22, 2021 06:29 PM (Vf4Y7)

3 "Tomorrow I'll write about the things that make Switzerland great."

K31 rifle.

Posted by: gp's Dark Energy Acceleration at November 22, 2021 06:29 PM (qpX6U)

4 26

Oh, well. I never could tell a joke.

Posted by: huerfano at November 22, 2021 06:30 PM (MzKgG)

5 Top 10. No joke

Posted by: Madhatter at November 22, 2021 06:30 PM (yfYrc)

6 Did you hear about the cow that quit giving?

Udder failure.

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:30 PM (axyOa)

7 I have a joke. It's in the White House.

Posted by: Martini Farmer at November 22, 2021 06:30 PM (BFigT)

8 Weird Dave's not here, man.

Oh.

I guess he is.

Posted by: andycanuck (UHVv4) at November 22, 2021 06:31 PM (UHVv4)

9 Well, if that bear knocks me off the roof, you choot that dog!

Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 06:31 PM (Foq6I)

10 Tomorrow I'll write about the things that make Switzerland great. I haven't finished it yet, but so far the flag is a big plus.

Posted by: vmom - link to Red's fundraiser at November 22, 2021 06:31 PM (YZG/i)

11 THIS IS THE THREAD I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL MY LIFE

Posted by: BEN ROETHLIBSERGER at November 22, 2021 06:32 PM (786Ro)

12 Well, if sleeping with a woman is anywhere like sleeping with a kangaroo, we're gonna need lots of room.

Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 06:32 PM (Foq6I)

13 I was going to cook alligator this weekend but all I have is a croc pot

Posted by: SSR at November 22, 2021 06:32 PM (9Rvz4)

14 OT: did you guys hear about how they were worried that ants might spread COVID? Turns out it was a false alarm; they are already protected by their tiny antibodies.

Posted by: Long-time Commenter, First-time Reader at November 22, 2021 06:32 PM (Bg96i)

15 Why did the chicken cross the road?

Posted by: dantesed at November 22, 2021 06:32 PM (88xKn)

16 Miss Crump: "Opey, use the word 'disaster' in a sentence."
Opey: "Aunt Bee backed up into an electric fan and it disaster."

Posted by: gp's Dark Energy Acceleration at November 22, 2021 06:32 PM (qpX6U)

17 Funny, brief doggeh video.

https://tinyurl.com/stpdh35c

Posted by: andycanuck (UHVv4) at November 22, 2021 06:33 PM (UHVv4)

18 What did one Western Pea say to the other?

Howdy, podner.

Posted by: wth at November 22, 2021 06:33 PM (v0R5T)

19 (old man joke)
Nah, I don't wake up til 6:30.

Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 06:33 PM (Foq6I)

20 100 joke rule

Posted by: Hands at November 22, 2021 06:33 PM (786Ro)

21 Lets go Brandon! Has to be the best joke of the year. Short. Devastating. Fun. More than one target.

Best joke in years!

Posted by: USNtakim deplorable still. at November 22, 2021 06:34 PM (0OmEj)

22 What's brown and sticky?

A STICK!

Posted by: nurse ratched at November 22, 2021 06:34 PM (W2Pud)

23 THIS IS THE THREAD I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL MY LIFE
Posted by: BEN ROETHLIBSERGER at November 22, 2021 06:32 PM (786Ro)

We had a joke thread a few years ago. They were fantastic.
I"m searching my hard drives now!

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:34 PM (axyOa)

24 He caught her last time. That's his handicap.

Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 06:35 PM (Foq6I)

25 What's brown and sticky?

A STICK!

**

Holy cow I love this one.

Posted by: Moron Robbie - no significant difference in ability to spread or catch regardless of vax status at November 22, 2021 06:35 PM (BZjG5)

26 *cackle*cackle*

Posted by: Kamalama at November 22, 2021 06:35 PM (v0R5T)

27 This is not a joke.
I met my late wife at a Christian singles banquet. She noticed I was walking about with my zipper down
I would embarrass her when I would tell that story with the punchline that it pays to advertise.

Posted by: Brother Northernlurker at November 22, 2021 06:35 PM (cSyAR)

28 I"m searching my hard drives now!
Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:34 PM (axyOa)

Plural?

Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 06:35 PM (Foq6I)

29
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps on the bar and eats all the bar snacks, peanuts, popcorn everything. The monkey then runs over to the nearest pool table and eats the cue ball. The bartender starts yelling and the man apologizes and pays for the cue ball and leaves with his monkey.

A week later the man and his monkey walk back in the bar. The guy sits down and orders a beer. The monkey runs over to the pool table jumps up, grabs the new cue ball, shoves it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender has another fuss and asks what the hell the monkey is doing now? The guy says "Ever since he ate that other cue ball he test fits everything."

Posted by: My Pimp Shot My Dealer at November 22, 2021 06:36 PM (hmpc/)

30 What kind of bank does a polar bear use?

A SNOW BANK!

Posted by: nurse ratched at November 22, 2021 06:36 PM (W2Pud)

31 What's brown and sticky?

A STICK!

Posted by: Amy Schumer at November 22, 2021 06:36 PM (v0R5T)

32 I am bad at remembering jokes, usually forgot the punch line

Posted by: Skip at November 22, 2021 06:36 PM (2JoB8)

33 Nurse, that's a Dad joke.
What makes you think you're qualified to tell a Dad joke?
Harumph.

Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 06:37 PM (Foq6I)

34 A pedophile, a wife beater, and a skateboarder walk into a bar...

Posted by: wth at November 22, 2021 06:37 PM (v0R5T)

35 Hiya

Posted by: JT at November 22, 2021 06:37 PM (arJlL)

36 Nice first, Mrs. Leggy !

Posted by: JT at November 22, 2021 06:38 PM (arJlL)

37 "that'll be $5 plus tax"

"Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

Posted by: Commissar of Plenty and Lysenko gender fluid at November 22, 2021 06:38 PM (QRpMH)

38
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women (I'm sorry.. but our PC society demands I change this to: "*women of size*.") talking at the bar. They all spoke with a heavy brogue accent.

I made an unfortunate assumption that their accents appeared to be Scottish... so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, *"It's Wales... you bloody idiot!"*
So I immediately apologized.... and replied, "I am so sorry!
Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:38 PM (axyOa)

39 What brand of underwear did Jesus wear?

Fruit of the womb!

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 06:38 PM (Bmy3R)

40

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

DUNG!

Posted by: My Pimp Shot My Dealer at November 22, 2021 06:38 PM (hmpc/)

41 "Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
Posted by: Commissar of Plenty and Lysenko gender fluid at November 22, 2021 06:38 PM (QRpMH)

Ok. I'll bite. Not in my repertoire.

Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 06:39 PM (Foq6I)

42 Drunk sitting at the bar...
Guy waltz's in and asks the bartender for a 20 year old Scotch.
Bartender pours a dram or two and the guy sips, then pushes the glass back saying "this is only 10 years old, I'd like 20 if you don't mind."
Bartender digs around the bar, finds an old bottle with dust and pours another dram or two.
Guy sips... makes a face and says "no, no, no... 20 years. This is only 15."
The Drunk is memorized by all this
Finally the bartender goes into the back and digs through all the really old bottles and comes up with something he thinks is "really" old. Pours another couple drams.
Guy sips and says "not quite right there old chap. You've nothing better?"
Bartender huffs off.
Drunk pushes a glass towards the guy and slurs... "try this."
The guy sips, and then spits out the liquid while sputtering "This tastes like piss! What the hell man?"
Drunk says... "Exactly sir, can you tell me how old I am?"

Posted by: Martini Farmer at November 22, 2021 06:39 PM (BFigT)

43 What do you get when you dent your bucky ?

Posted by: JT at November 22, 2021 06:39 PM (arJlL)

44 You are not really here to tell jokes, are you?

Posted by: The bear at November 22, 2021 06:39 PM (UnQlg)

45 Why did Mozart sell all his chickens?

They kept going Bach, Bach, Bach!

Posted by: NaCly Dog (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 06:39 PM (u82oZ)

46 Blind dude and dog at corner
Dog and dud walk into traffic
Tires squealing cars crashing
He get to other side
Hands dog biscuit
Observer says kindest most forgiving thing he has seen
Blind guy says hes trying to find mouth
So he can kick his ass

Posted by: rhennigantx at November 22, 2021 06:39 PM (yrol0)

47 Don't forget the high quality German they speak.

Posted by: Braenyard at November 22, 2021 06:39 PM (ET3Lq)

48 Tomorrow I'll write about the things that make Switzerland great.

Posted by: WeirdDave at 06:30 PM
---------

Chocolate better be number one on that list or I lose all faith in you.

Posted by: bluebell at November 22, 2021 06:39 PM (wyw4S)

49 I DON'T GET IT

Posted by: BEN ROETHLISBERGER at November 22, 2021 06:39 PM (kOpft)

50 David French, Jonah Goldberg and Bill Kristol walk into a bar.

And the bartender says: "The Paolo. He must be a very busy man tonight!"

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 06:39 PM (Bmy3R)

51 Ghost gun?
Occult Colt.

Posted by: Commissar of Plenty and Lysenko gender fluid at November 22, 2021 06:40 PM (QRpMH)

52 THIS IS THE THREAD I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL MY LIFE
Posted by: BEN ROETHLIBSERGER at November 22, 2021 06:32 PM (786Ro)
.......

You're gonna be busy.

Posted by: wth at November 22, 2021 06:40 PM (v0R5T)

53 You heard about the two gay judges who tried each other?

Posted by: Budman at November 22, 2021 06:40 PM (FPAcb)

54 A STICK!
=====

It's funny because a stick is "sticky". Look, either you get the joke or you don't. I hope you're not going to keep asking me to explain them.

Posted by: Babylon Bee Guy at November 22, 2021 06:40 PM (sGnvY)

55 An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

Posted by: G'rump928(c) tells his favorite Irish joke at November 22, 2021 06:40 PM (yQpMk)

56 33 Nurse, that's a Dad joke.
What makes you think you're qualified to tell a Dad joke?
Harumph.
Posted by: MkY at Nove

Well, as a single mom, I often was dad too!
Neener!

Where does a pirate get his hook?

At the SECOND HAND STORE.

Posted by: nurse ratched at November 22, 2021 06:40 PM (W2Pud)

57 A dementia patient, a kiddie-fondler, and an influence peddler walk into a bar. Bartender says "what'll it be, Mr. President?"

Posted by: Insomniac - Outlaw at November 22, 2021 06:40 PM (II3Gr)

58 16 Miss Crump: "Opey, use the word 'disaster' in a sentence."
Opey: "Aunt Bee backed up into an electric fan and it disaster."
Posted by: gp's Dark Energy Acceleration

Use devastation in a sentence.

"Hello, Greyhound? What time should I arrive at devastation?"

Posted by: vmom - link to Red's fundraiser at November 22, 2021 06:40 PM (YZG/i)

59 I saw C'thulu at the Hobby Lobby last week. Who would have thought an elder god would love craft?

Posted by: tankdemon at November 22, 2021 06:40 PM (MJ3LM)

60 Tomorrow I'll write about the things that make Switzerland great.

Patrick Moraz

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 06:40 PM (Bmy3R)

61 34 A pedophile, a wife beater, and a skateboarder walk into a bar...
Posted by: wth at November 22, 2021 06:37 PM (v0R5T)

---

Shots are on me!

Posted by: Kyle Rittenhouse at November 22, 2021 06:40 PM (Obsrs)

62 Two guys are standing at the urinal. One guy looks at the dude next to him and says man your huge.guy looks back and says I'm 6ft 8 280 pounds and my name is Turner Brown.first guy passes straight out.guy two splashes water on his face and wakes him first guy asks what did you say.secound guy repeats, I'm 6ft 8 280 lbs and my name is Turner Brown. First guy sigh in relief and say I thought you said TURN AROUND.

Posted by: John at November 22, 2021 06:41 PM (NeuXk)

63 Weird Dave, in case you need more for the list: Switzerland denied citizenship twice to a Dutch animal rights activist woman who was complaining about the cows wearing cowbells. When it comes to their cows, Swiss do NOT play.

Also Federer better be on that list.

I think the Swiss government gave him a cow and alphorn as presents for winning tennis tournaments.

Posted by: LizLem at November 22, 2021 06:41 PM (tfDou)

64 What brown and tan and looks good on a negro

New suit and shoes

Posted by: rhennigantx at November 22, 2021 06:41 PM (yrol0)

65 "Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: "In silence""

Joke purported to be from 'Philogelos' ca 300AD.

Posted by: gp's Dark Energy Acceleration at November 22, 2021 06:41 PM (qpX6U)

66 So a guy got a one line acting job in a play.

He was not an experienced actor. His one line was, "was that an explosion"?

Opening night was upon the troop and the play was in progress. The guy ambled on the stage with the other actors in the scene. There was a tremendous bang from the rear of the stage. All the stage lights went on the man , and he yelled, "what the hell was that".

Posted by: Redenzo at November 22, 2021 06:41 PM (E7vND)

67 Joe Biden got 81M votes.

Posted by: Moron Robbie - no significant difference in ability to spread or catch regardless of vax status at November 22, 2021 06:41 PM (BZjG5)

68 THIS IS THE THREAD I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL MY LIFE
Posted by: BEN ROETHLIBSERGER at November 22, 2021 06:32 PM (786Ro)
----------

#MeToo!

Posted by: Amy Schumer at November 22, 2021 06:41 PM (wyw4S)

69 The story you are about to read is stolen. The names are real because, FJB!

Biden goes to visit the Pope. During their conversation Ole Joe lets one rip. The Pope, shocked, asks if that was a fart. Joe leans in and says, "Some of it!".

Posted by: tbodie at November 22, 2021 06:41 PM (mE8HP)

70 What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

Posted by: flounder at November 22, 2021 06:42 PM (SH2Zi)

71 I saw a video of a Chilean magician, he was really good. He ended his act with a disappearing trick. He would count "Uno . . . Dos . . ." and then he would vanish without a Tres.

Posted by: Kindltot at November 22, 2021 06:42 PM (P9T5R)

72 dantesed

The chickens crossed the road to die. In the rain.

Posted by: Hemingway (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 06:42 PM (u82oZ)

73 Holey holey holey, all swiss cheese in moldy,
where once was blank craters are sank,
the taste is fine, a small glass of wine, taken quite solely.

Posted by: Eromero at November 22, 2021 06:42 PM (0OP+5)

74 FoxNews's Bret Baier, desparate for panel fill after the ousting of Hayes and Goldberg, saves the fair-and-balanced day by bringing in the worthless Trey Gowdy and the execrable Juan (spit!) Williams.

Posted by: Mr Gaga at November 22, 2021 06:42 PM (KiBMU)

75 LeBron James blamed the cheap shot to his coworker on the NBA's equipment manager.

Posted by: Dr. Bone at November 22, 2021 06:43 PM (BPuaD)

76 Kindltot

Groan!

Posted by: NaCly Dog (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 06:43 PM (u82oZ)

77 THE ONE EYED REDHEAD
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks.. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.
She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye.

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:43 PM (axyOa)

78 What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

Posted by: bear with asymmetrical balls at November 22, 2021 06:43 PM (QU5/8)

79 THIS IS THE THREAD I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL MY LIFE
Posted by: BEN ROETHLIBSERGER at November 22, 2021 06:32 PM (786Ro)
----------

#MeToo!

Posted by: Amy Schumer at November 22, 2021 06:41 PM (wyw4S)

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE AMY LIKES TO STEAL OTHER PEOPLE'S JOKES.

Posted by: BEN ROETHLISBERGER at November 22, 2021 06:43 PM (kOpft)

80 Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the armadillo that it really could be done.

Posted by: Bama Bubba at November 22, 2021 06:43 PM (mAxkE)

81 What has six legs and a bra ?

Posted by: JT at November 22, 2021 06:43 PM (arJlL)

82 Preacher loses bike
Tells deacons so mutha fers stole my bike
I am preaching about 10 commandants
He get to Thy shall not commit adultery and remembers where he left they bike

Posted by: rhennigantx at November 22, 2021 06:43 PM (yrol0)

83 Gorgonzola won't fit in there.

Posted by: Eromero at November 22, 2021 06:43 PM (0OP+5)

84 Wife is haranguing husband. I want something that that goes from 0 to 200 in four seconds in the driveway. Next morning wife finds a scale in the driveway.

Posted by: Ben Had at November 22, 2021 06:44 PM (JTyUy)

85 The effort you put into this thread is a joke. Your laziness is astonishing.

Posted by: Lonesome Ed at November 22, 2021 06:44 PM (O/Ao+)

86 Tomorrow I'll write about the things that make Switzerland great.
.......

19. It's not Germany.

Posted by: wth at November 22, 2021 06:44 PM (v0R5T)

87 These jokes are funny !

Posted by: JT at November 22, 2021 06:44 PM (arJlL)

88 What do you call a pig that does karate?

A PORK CHOP!

Posted by: nurse ratched at November 22, 2021 06:44 PM (W2Pud)

89 The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did.....

she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:44 PM (axyOa)

90 I love the :
A rabbit, a priest and a Imam walk into a bar.
Barkeep says, "What'll it be?"
Rabbit says, " I don't know. I'm only here cause of autocorrect."

Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 06:45 PM (Foq6I)

91 "Tomorrow I'll write about the things that make Switzerland great."

They have the best non-Chinese Cantons in the world

Posted by: Kindltot at November 22, 2021 06:45 PM (P9T5R)

92 My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Posted by: Rodney Dangerfields Ghost at November 22, 2021 06:45 PM (QEsfM)

93 the planes were flying information.

Posted by: Jamaica Queens riding the E to the 6, oh my! at November 22, 2021 06:45 PM (b+v9B)

94 Joke was almost on me this evening, making a cheesesteak about 4:50 and tablet alarm told me dentist appointment was at 5pm, I was thinking last two weeks it was tomorrow. Made it couple minutes late.
Making my cheesesteak now

Posted by: Skip at November 22, 2021 06:45 PM (2JoB8)

95 Def Mixed Emotions

MIL driving new C8 off a cliff.

Posted by: rhennigantx at November 22, 2021 06:45 PM (yrol0)

96 My brother bought a butterball turkey. It was defective. Someone forgot to butter the balls.

Posted by: stu-mick-o-sucks at November 22, 2021 06:45 PM (WFMLs)

97 Joe Biden got 81M votes.
Posted by: Moron Robbie - no significant difference in ability to spread or catch regardless of vax status at November 22, 2021 06:41 PM (BZjG5)
.......

Joke thread WINNER!

Posted by: wth at November 22, 2021 06:45 PM (v0R5T)

98 The effort you put into this thread is a joke. Your laziness is astonishing.
Posted by: Lonesome Ed at November 22, 2021 06:44 PM (O/Ao+)

I don't get it.

Posted by: G'rump928(c) tells his favorite Irish joke at November 22, 2021 06:45 PM (yQpMk)

99 Question - "Are there too many immigrants in Britain?"

17% said yes; 11% said no; and 72% said, "I am not
understanding the question, please."

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:45 PM (axyOa)

100 Ana Navarro was in her now-husband's apartment on their first date, and was heard screaming "Oh my God! How in the f**k do you ever expect to satisfy me with that tiny little thing?"

"But Ana," he replied, "that was the biggest refrigerator I could afford!"

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 06:45 PM (Bmy3R)

101 Two rednecks hunters were sitting around the campfire after bagging one deer near camp that day.
Bob's buddy, Ted, was a lush and drank till he passed out nearly every night.
After Ted bowled over a log and passed out face down after imbibing an entire bottle of Jack Daniel's, Bob was determined to put an end to Ted's escapades.
Bob grabbed a shovel and went and scooped up a big glob of intestines from the gutpile and positioned it in front of the snoring drunks face and waited.
In the morning, Ted stumbled into the tent and said, "Holy Crap, I got so drunk last night I threw up my intestines, but I got a stick and jabbed em' back down".

Posted by: Idahonian at November 22, 2021 06:46 PM (JUcCg)

102 Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

BECAUSE IF THEY FLEW OVER THE BAY, THEY'D BE BAGELS!

Posted by: nurse ratched at November 22, 2021 06:46 PM (W2Pud)

103 Dif in wife and job after 20 years

Job still sucks

Posted by: rhennigantx at November 22, 2021 06:46 PM (yrol0)

104 Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend:-

Beauty, Intelligence, Gentleness, Thoughtfulness, Innocence,

Trustworthiness, Stability.

Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:46 PM (axyOa)

105 Who were the fastest people in history?

Adam and Eve. They were the first in the human race.

Posted by: tankdemon at November 22, 2021 06:46 PM (MJ3LM)

106 drunk walks into a bar and bets bartender he can fart "the eyes of texas are upon you "

Bartender says" you're on" and drunk proceeds to shit a huge pile on top of the bar bartender is beside himself

then

Posted by: REDACTED at November 22, 2021 06:46 PM (us2H3)

107 but so far the flag is a big plus.

I knew BEN ROETHLISBERGER would show up for that!

Posted by: t-bird at November 22, 2021 06:47 PM (CTJwJ)

108 Bret Baier has Juan Williams on his panel. Now THAT'S funny.

Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at November 22, 2021 06:47 PM (63Dwl)

109 Actually the pope asked, "Jeez, Joe, did you shit your pants?"

FJB: "No, your Excellency!"

Francis, sniffing: "C'mon Joe!"

FJB: "Oh! I thought you meant TODAY!"

Posted by: Mr Gaga at November 22, 2021 06:47 PM (KiBMU)

110 Dude walks up on couple making out down dirt road
Outta gas
NOPE
Battery Down
NOPE
Tire Down
NOPE not this time

Posted by: rhennigantx at November 22, 2021 06:47 PM (yrol0)

111 Not so much a joke but a funny.

There was a cob who wrote a post about a well known Republican consultant and totally called him out as a tool and ace made the bad post go away because it was a friend of the blog and then the guy turned out to be a total tool.

Posted by: blaster at November 22, 2021 06:48 PM (mbFEM)

112 Dude walks up on couple making out down dirt road

Phrasing!!

Posted by: G'rump928(c) at November 22, 2021 06:48 PM (yQpMk)

113 The Saturday Night Joke

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Posted by: NaCly Dog (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 06:48 PM (u82oZ)

114 Trey is sporting a mullet

with glasses

a strange style

Posted by: REDACTED at November 22, 2021 06:48 PM (us2H3)

115 What do sea monsters eat?

FISH AND SHIPS!

Posted by: nurse ratched at November 22, 2021 06:48 PM (W2Pud)

116 Miss Crabtree: "Uh-Huh, can you use 'isthmus' in a sentence?"

Uh-Huh: "Isthmus be my lucky day."

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 06:48 PM (Bmy3R)

117 /p

25 bucks same as downtown

Posted by: rhennigantx at November 22, 2021 06:48 PM (yrol0)

118 Wrecked 'im?? It nearly killed 'im!!

Posted by: andycanuck (UHVv4) at November 22, 2021 06:49 PM (UHVv4)

119 The new ghostbusters movie (which was heartwarming and had a pro Reagan economy quip, what) has a running gag that one of the young characters has all these bad dad jokes. But I actually liked them. A sample:

What do you call a Fish with no eyes?
A Fsh

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says we have a drink named after you. The grasshopper replies, you have a drink named Steve?!

Posted by: LizLem at November 22, 2021 06:49 PM (tfDou)

120
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered, Is that one word or two?

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:49 PM (axyOa)

121 What did the buffalo say when he dropped off his boy at school?

"Bye, son."

Posted by: Brunnhilde at November 22, 2021 06:49 PM (n9V8S)

122 no please no

Posted by: ben roethlisberger's keyboard at November 22, 2021 06:49 PM (niU+/)

123 112 Dude walks up on couple making out down dirt road

Phrasing!!
Posted by: G'rump928(c) at November 22, 2021 06:48 PM (yQpMk)

That would be the butt Bob!

Posted by: rhennigantx at November 22, 2021 06:49 PM (yrol0)

124 A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.

Posted by: Tuna at November 22, 2021 06:49 PM (gLRfa)

125 Do you really think I wanted a 12" pianist?

Posted by: andycanuck (UHVv4) at November 22, 2021 06:49 PM (UHVv4)

126 Why did the restaurant hire a pug?

BECAUSE HE WAS GOOD A BACON!

Posted by: nurse ratched at November 22, 2021 06:49 PM (W2Pud)

127 Williams looks like a chocolate smallpox epidemic.

Posted by: Mr Gaga at November 22, 2021 06:50 PM (KiBMU)

128 A SQL programmer walks into a bar
Goes up to two tables and says, "mind if I join you?"

Posted by: weew at November 22, 2021 06:50 PM (+m+uH)

129 71 I saw a video of a Chilean magician, he was really good. He ended his act with a disappearing trick. He would count "Uno . . . Dos . . ." and then he would vanish without a Tres.
Posted by: Kindltot

Once he did his act in California during wildfire season, and before he could start counting, his assistant yelled "Uno, dos tres are burning!"

Posted by: vmom - link to Red's fundraiser at November 22, 2021 06:50 PM (YZG/i)

130 Sheldon: "Mommy, why do I keep walking in circles?"
Mommy: "Shut up Sheldon, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."

Posted by: gp's Dark Energy Acceleration at November 22, 2021 06:50 PM (qpX6U)

131 What NCOs have noticed about Officers

It's more important to look good than to be good.

Non-matching furniture is a show-stopper. Untrained troops are not a show-stopper.

A unit that has no money for new computers or spare parts will still manage to afford a big-screen TV for Powerpoint slide shows.

A bad plan with good slides is better than a good plan with bad slides.

Posted by: NaCly Dog (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 06:51 PM (u82oZ)

132 Teacher: Darla, use Dictate in a word.
Darla: Buckwheat's dick taste real good.

Posted by: rhennigantx at November 22, 2021 06:51 PM (yrol0)

133 A old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him.
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"
The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

Posted by: G'rump928(c) at November 22, 2021 06:51 PM (yQpMk)

134 Why did the restaurant hire a pug?

BECAUSE HE WAS GOOD A BACON!
Posted by: nurse ratched at November 22, 2021 06:49 PM (W2Pud)
.......

Ben Roethlisburger, paging Ben Roethlisburger...

Posted by: wth at November 22, 2021 06:51 PM (v0R5T)

135 Damn autocucumbered

Posted by: nurse ratched at November 22, 2021 06:52 PM (W2Pud)

136 I'm just going to post the punchline because I think everyone knows it, but it's a favorite:

Me boy I don't know where ye been, but I can see ye won first prize!

Posted by: Moron Robbie - no significant difference in ability to spread or catch regardless of vax status at November 22, 2021 06:52 PM (BZjG5)

137 There's a new men's grooming scent out there. It's called 'Umpire'.

It's for foul balls.

A buddy and I were golfing and there was a very slow women's pair ahead of us. By number 4 we were just losing our minds with the slow play. I told my buddy I was gonna run up and ask if we could play through. When I came back, my buddy asked - what did they say? I told him it was my wife and my girlfriend. I was too shook to ask them. Wimp! He said "I'll do it" and stomped off. Shortly, he comes back. I asked him - well, did you ask them?

"Small world."

HayOhhhhhhh!!

Posted by: Tonypete at November 22, 2021 06:52 PM (jZSOU)

138 Whats the best birth control?

Wedding cake

Posted by: rhennigantx at November 22, 2021 06:52 PM (yrol0)

139 Here's a song I've been working on. Care to add any verses?

I am the very model of a modern Karen liberal
From being white to being male I say your sins are several
I'll break your norms on my own terms and gaslight all your gender roles
I'm determined to put a Bruce in every lady's bathroom stall
You owe me forty shares of everything you do in general
Tomorrow I'll need more, I couldn't help but go and spend it all
Let's hijack the economy with boondoggles untenable
The penumbras say that we can somewhere after the preamble

Posted by: Not the FBI at November 22, 2021 06:52 PM (0yXIl)

140
A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?

THE PROFESSOR SAID, WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT. IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL AROUSED NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND AN EXCITED GAY MAN ON THE OTHER.
WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:52 PM (axyOa)

141 Toronto School Board cancels Yazidi Nobel Peace Prize winner because her account of being a sex slave at the hands of ISIS "would foster Islamophobia"

-
Some slavery is the worst thing in the world but other is really not all that bad.

https://bit.ly/3oSLbkj

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks Now With Pumpkin Spice! at November 22, 2021 06:52 PM (FVME7)

142 A man walks into a bar. the two men behind him duck under it.

Posted by: Pug Mahon, Crossing state lines like a Boss at November 22, 2021 06:53 PM (x8Wzq)

143 Oh no! That dog would bite you.

Posted by: Just the Punchline at November 22, 2021 06:53 PM (yQpMk)

144 I think I might have heard this one here, but it has been a while, and it stuck.
A man is sitting on his porch. He sees his neighbor walking by, holding a role of fence wire in both arms.
"What you got there?" "Why, this is chicken wire. Gonna catch me some chickens." "You idiot! You don't catch chickens with chicken wire."

The neighbor walks on. Two hours later, he comes back the other way, still holding the chicken wire, with 4 chickens tangled in it.
The next day, sitting on the porch, he sees his neighbor go by, with a silvery roll of tape in his hand.
"What you got there?" "Why, this is duck tape. Gonna catch me some ducks." "You imbecile! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
A couple of hours later, neighbor walks by, with 4 ducks tangled in the tape.
Next day, sitting on the porch, neighbor walks by, holding a tree branch with puffy white blossoms.
"What you got there?" "This? Why, this is pussy willow."
"..." "..." "...wait, let me get my hat."

Posted by: Splunge at November 22, 2021 06:53 PM (PQ4Fz)

145 Ben Roethlisburger, paging Ben Roethlisburger...
Posted by: wth at November 22, 2021 06:51 PM (v0R5T)

So, it's not just me. Whew!

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 06:53 PM (Bmy3R)

146 Cracking up

Posted by: Skip at November 22, 2021 06:53 PM (2JoB8)

147 One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House.

Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and
reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It
was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Go to the theater."

Posted by: NaCly Dog (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 06:53 PM (u82oZ)

148 And then the Mother Superior says, "I'm not surprised. All she's done since she got here is complain!"

Posted by: andycanuck (UHVv4) at November 22, 2021 06:54 PM (UHVv4)

149 I don't know where you've been laddie, but you've won first prize!

Posted by: Punch line only at November 22, 2021 06:54 PM (Rbu5d)

150 Doc: Your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's.
Dude: Which one?
Doc: Drop off down the road and if she shows up dont fuck her.

Posted by: rhennigantx at November 22, 2021 06:54 PM (yrol0)

151 Ok, Diogenes... you seem to know every joke I don't.
I'll give you a quarter to keep it up.

Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 06:54 PM (Foq6I)

152 Q: Why did the Turtle cross the road??

A: To get to the Shell Station!

Posted by: SteveOReno, I proudly self-identify as a Moron at November 22, 2021 06:54 PM (2sCft)

153 I LOVE YOU in 10 Languages:
English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
Italian: Ti Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian: As Tave Meliu
Australian: Nice Tits. Get in the truck.

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:55 PM (axyOa)

154 Damn autocucumbered

Posted by: nurse ratched

It was funny tho'

Posted by: JT at November 22, 2021 06:55 PM (arJlL)

155 I do not have time to tell a joke. At the hospital right now.

My son and I were walking in to the grocery store tonight. There was a large Pepsi truck at the door delivering sodas. As we walked passed the truck the rolling side came up and a whole pallet of soda rolled out and fell on him.

Good news though since they were "Soft Drinks" he is going to be fine.

Posted by: Picric at November 22, 2021 06:55 PM (3QnyK)

156 Why did the Turtle cross the road??

To betray conservatives.

Posted by: Brother Northernlurker at November 22, 2021 06:55 PM (cSyAR)

157 Look at that little escargot!

Posted by: Dr. Bone at November 22, 2021 06:55 PM (BPuaD)

158 A post about Switzerland, eh? Yeah, my mom said that for her birthday, she wanted tickets to a Monkees concert in Switzerland. I thought she was kidding at first. But then I saw her face; now I'm in Geneva.

Posted by: Mrs. Peel at November 22, 2021 06:55 PM (yr54B)

159 Ok, Diogenes... you seem to know every joke I don't.
I'll give you a quarter to keep it up.
Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 06:54 PM (Foq6I)

I have an impressive joke file if I do say so myself.
Unfortunately I have to leave shortly.

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:56 PM (axyOa)

160 Salty Dog, your presidents joke reminded me of one of my fave graveyard humor jokes.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?

Posted by: LizLem at November 22, 2021 06:56 PM (tfDou)

161 Just the punchline:,q;is that Fanny Green?
A:,I think that's just the reflection off her shoes.

Posted by: Brother Northernlurker at November 22, 2021 06:57 PM (cSyAR)

162 And she called downstairs, "The dead one's full again!"

Posted by: Just the Punch Line at November 22, 2021 06:57 PM (sGnvY)

163 Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

Posted by: Pug Mahon, Crossing state lines like a Boss at November 22, 2021 06:57 PM (x8Wzq)

164 Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortune teller who intoned,
"Prepare to become a widow.
Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"

Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

Posted by: NaCly Dog (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 06:57 PM (u82oZ)

165 Fuck you, I've been sick! Can't remember the joke just the punchline.

Posted by: Ben Had at November 22, 2021 06:57 PM (JTyUy)

166 SYSTEMIC RACISM. WHITE PRIVILEDGE. WHITE SUPREMACY.
ha ha ha I crack myself up.

Posted by: wth at November 22, 2021 06:58 PM (v0R5T)

167 A Scottish man was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly.
The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double.
Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, run!"
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.
The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by and the batter started on a slow trot to first.
The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye bastarrd, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down.
The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, "He doesn't need to run because he got four balls."
The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!"

Posted by: G'rump928(c) at November 22, 2021 06:58 PM (yQpMk)

168 Andrea found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer ".
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:58 PM (axyOa)

169 Black Jeapardy

Tom Hanks: "Let's go 'Big Girls' for 200"
Darnell: "The answer is: Skinny women can do this for you"
Tom Hanks: "What is not. a. *damn.* thing."
Darnell: "You're damn right! You're damn right"

(black female contestants high-five Hanks)

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 06:58 PM (Bmy3R)

170 Australian: Nice Tits. Get in the truck.

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:55 PM (axyOa)

Shouldn't this be - I'll see you in the camps?

Posted by: redchief at November 22, 2021 06:58 PM (Kab4E)

171 She's dead, Jim.

Posted by: Bones at November 22, 2021 06:59 PM (v0R5T)

172 Three Germans walk into a B.A.R....

Posted by: brass pair at November 22, 2021 06:59 PM (Pgj0l)

173 Q: Why are fat women good at BJs?

A: Because they have to be.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at November 22, 2021 06:59 PM (vuisn)

174 German: Ich Liebe Dich

That one's a bit...unfortunate, to American ears.

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 07:00 PM (Bmy3R)

175 Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?

Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Posted by: weew at November 22, 2021 07:00 PM (+m+uH)

176 I hate Big Pharma EXCEPT for Pfizer

https://twitter.com/ryanlongcomedy/status/
1462832163015970817

Funny stuff. [2 minutes]

Posted by: andycanuck (UHVv4) at November 22, 2021 07:00 PM (UHVv4)

177 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, "Ugh! That's the ugliest baby Ive ever seen."

The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says,
The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go and give him a telling off. I'll hold your monkey for you."

Posted by: runner at November 22, 2021 07:00 PM (V13WU)

178 Eromero, this one's for you.

After 20 years in the Navy, Robinson retired and got himself an office job to keep busy. His supervisor noticed that although the work day started at 8:00, Robinson was always late; showing up at 8:15, 8:20, one day as late as 8:40. After a couple of weeks of this, the supervisor called Robinson into his office. "Robinson," he said, "before you came to us, weren't you in the military?" Robinson said, "that's right." "And while you were in the military, what would they say to you if you showed up 40 minutes late?" Robinson replied, "they said, 'good morning, Chief.'"

Posted by: Jordan61 at November 22, 2021 07:00 PM (qxz9B)

179 A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children..
You all have obsessions, he stated. I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children.
To the first mother, Mary, he said: You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy. He turned to the second Mum, Ann: Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, Whisky.
He then turned to the fourth Mum, June: Your obsession is with flowers.. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy. At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered:
Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Grab Fanny and Willy, we're going.

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 07:00 PM (axyOa)

180 Two gay Irishmen: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

Posted by: MammaB at November 22, 2021 07:01 PM (HkGDB)

181 A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

Posted by: runner at November 22, 2021 07:01 PM (V13WU)

182 Why did the pervert cross the road ?

Posted by: JT at November 22, 2021 07:01 PM (arJlL)

183 Top 10 Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.
09. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
08. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
07. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
06. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
05. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
04. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
03. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
01. He's wearing his big black hat backwards!

Posted by: NaCly Dog (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 07:01 PM (u82oZ)

184 Two gay Irishmen: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
Posted by: MammaB at November 22, 2021 07:01 PM (HkGDB)

Gotta remember this one.

Posted by: Pug Mahon, Crossing state lines like a Boss at November 22, 2021 07:02 PM (x8Wzq)

185 Australian: Nice Tits. Get in the truck.

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 06:55 PM (axyOa)

Moo.

Posted by: the cow at November 22, 2021 07:02 PM (v0R5T)

186 runner

Good one.

Posted by: NaCly Dog (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 07:02 PM (u82oZ)

187 What did the zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Posted by: Patrick at November 22, 2021 07:02 PM (xlLNb)

188 Ha, ha! While you were banging Sandpaper Sally, we were having hot-buttered corn on the cob!

Posted by: andycanuck (UHVv4) at November 22, 2021 07:03 PM (UHVv4)

189 What's the favorite Amish sex position?

Buggy-style

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 07:03 PM (Bmy3R)

190 So the bartender says to the horse "say, why the long face?"

Posted by: Duke Lowell at November 22, 2021 07:03 PM (kTF2Z)

191 Hey Buddy if you have a flashlight we can find my car keys and drive outta here.

Posted by: Tonypete at November 22, 2021 07:04 PM (jZSOU)

192 186 runner

Good one.
Posted by: NaCly Dog (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 07:02 PM (u82oZ)

Yep! I'm still laughing!

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 07:04 PM (Bmy3R)

193 A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of the front of his pantaloons.

The bartender says, "Hey Cap'n, don't you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"

The pirate answers, "Yarrrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

Posted by: Stu Podaso at November 22, 2021 07:04 PM (wUHYj)

194 old texas aggie joke:

an aggie and his friend are sailing down the road, paying no attention to their speed. Suddenly the flashing lights come on behind them! so they pull over. But instead of walking on up with his ticket pad, the Highway patrolman steps out of his car, takes off his jacket, unbuckles his pants, and as he walks towards the car, he starts to unzip.
The friend says "what the hell you think he's doin'?
Driver says "oh hell here comes that damn Breathalyzer test again!"

Posted by: Tom Servo at November 22, 2021 07:04 PM (evAgx)

195 The effort you put into this thread is a joke. Your laziness is astonishing.
Posted by: Lonesome Ed at November 22, 2021 06:44 PM (O/Ao+)

It's no mystery why they call you "Lonesome", is it?

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at November 22, 2021 07:04 PM (P3gRi)

196 How did the first Newfie get Ontario?
He was playing hockey on the St Lawrence River and got a break away.

Posted by: Brother Northernlurker at November 22, 2021 07:04 PM (cSyAR)

197 Two gay Irishmen: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
-------------------
Two gay Scotsmen: Phil McCavity and Ben M'Over.

Posted by: andycanuck (UHVv4) at November 22, 2021 07:04 PM (UHVv4)

198 Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won't believe it! Little Johnny pulled out his pee-pee in class today! It was like a peanut."

The mom replies, "Oh, it was small?"

Little Sally says, "No, it was salty."

Posted by: Dr. Varno at November 22, 2021 07:05 PM (vuisn)

199 "How did you sleep last night ?
Slept like a log... Woke up in the fireplace."

Posted by: runner at November 22, 2021 07:05 PM (V13WU)

200 Dentist had Covid forms to fill out when got there, Bla bla bla Have you had a vaccine shot? Yes, no, do not want to disclose
Circled No.

Posted by: Skip at November 22, 2021 07:05 PM (2JoB8)

201 Posted by: Dr. Varno at November 22, 2021 07:05 PM (vuisn)

Hah!

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 07:05 PM (Bmy3R)

202 What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

Posted by: Naughtius at November 22, 2021 07:05 PM (iOP4V)

203 How about a true story about a joke?

True story of Reagan and the Queen, told by James Baker during Reagan's funeral.

Queen had him out riding. Her horse starting farting up a storm, a fusillade of flatulence. The Queen finally spoke up and said, "I apologize, Mr. President!".

Reagan, deadpan, replied, "Oh, that's okay, Your Majesty, I just thought it was the horse."

Posted by: pawn at November 22, 2021 07:05 PM (Cfk8j)

204

Why did the farmer cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken.

Posted by: Dirty Frank at November 22, 2021 07:06 PM (hmpc/)

205 Procrastinator's Creed
01. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
02. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
03. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
04. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 05. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

Posted by: NaCly Dog (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 07:06 PM (u82oZ)

206 What do you get when you cross a Portagee with a Jew?

A custodian that owns his own building.

Posted by: CaliGirl at November 22, 2021 07:06 PM (NOYGJ)

207 A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".

Posted by: runner at November 22, 2021 07:06 PM (V13WU)

208 That Boyland video is highly edited and enhanced. Enhancement adds pixels, and some of those pixels just happen to resemble a police officer whaling on her with a baton.

Posted by: Cat Ass Trophy at November 22, 2021 07:06 PM (UkBFs)

209 What's black, white, and red and can't turn around in an elevator?

Nun with a javelin through her head.

Posted by: Duke Lowell at November 22, 2021 07:06 PM (kTF2Z)

210
A guy is in the waiting room at the vet with his cat.
A lady is also waiting and has a huge great dane.

The man says "he's a beautiful dog, is he sick?"

The woman says "oh he's so full of energy, and every day he jumps on my back and tries to mount me! His claws are so big and my shoulders are all scratched up! Its awful!"

"So you're getting him neutered?" he asked

"No", she replied. " I'm getting his claws trimmed"

Posted by: weew at November 22, 2021 07:07 PM (+m+uH)

211 200 Dentist had Covid forms to fill out when got there, Bla bla bla Have you had a vaccine shot? Yes, no, do not want to disclose
Circled No.

I don't get it.

ben roethlisberger?

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 07:07 PM (Bmy3R)

212 I know a total of two jokes they're both corny and everyone has heard them already.

Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fssh.

Posted by: Thomas Bender at November 22, 2021 07:07 PM (ZpS2I)

213 A baby seal walks into a bar.
The barman asks, What'll have?

The baby seal says, Anything without Canadian Club.

Posted by: Tonypete at November 22, 2021 07:07 PM (jZSOU)

214 So, I have a good one, but my post keeps getting rejected
as spam. What the hell?

Posted by: Mark Shaw at November 22, 2021 07:07 PM (aj9ZM)

215 What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.
Posted by: Naughtius at November 22, 2021 07:05 PM (iOP4V)
.......

4 out of 5 dentists agree.

Posted by: wth at November 22, 2021 07:08 PM (v0R5T)

216 The Babylon Bee- Jonah Goldberg And Stephen Hayes Quit Fox News To Join 'The View'

Posted by: redridinghood at November 22, 2021 07:08 PM (NpAcC)

217 Wife: So, you got kicked out of Hobby Lobby for dipping your testicles in glitter?

Me: I know, pretty nuts right?

Posted by: Tennessee Jed at November 22, 2021 07:08 PM (0X6/9)

218 Grumpy...
You were on a roll....

Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 07:09 PM (Foq6I)

219 Hey, Mom - you still awake?

Posted by: Just the punchline at November 22, 2021 07:10 PM (jZSOU)

220 I think it was on Anthony Cumia's show where someone said to another comic, "I would rather hear a gunshot from my teenage son's bedroom than your opinion."

Simultaneously awful and hilarious.

Posted by: T-Lo at November 22, 2021 07:10 PM (ZAtKx)

221 220

Daaaayum. Harsh but true.

Posted by: JoeXiDen - Lessko Brandon at November 22, 2021 07:11 PM (EwyZo)

222 "I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo."

Posted by: runner at November 22, 2021 07:12 PM (V13WU)

223 A Mennonite couple leave their wedding ceremony in a a horse and buggy.
When the groom tells the horse to trot the horse doesn't move so the horse doesn't move
So the groom says that's once.
He again tells the horse to start. The horse refuses. So he says that's twice. This happens a third time so the groom takes out a rifle and shoots.
The bride says that's terrible. The groom says that's once.

Posted by: Brother Northernlurker at November 22, 2021 07:12 PM (cSyAR)

224 Getting past Russian Immigration

"The principal language of the Russian Federation is . . . "

"Very difficult"

https://tinyurl.com/v3te2jy6

Posted by: Kindltot at November 22, 2021 07:12 PM (P9T5R)

225 Mickey Mouse's Lawyer: You want a divorce because you think Minnie Mouse is crazy?

Mickey Mouse: I didn't say she was crazy...I said she was f*cking Goofy

Posted by: Mr.Know.It.All at November 22, 2021 07:12 PM (AozZ+)

226 A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was!
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along
with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was Then it was off to a movie- the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was "Well, dear, what was like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

Posted by: NaCly Dog (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 07:13 PM (u82oZ)

227 This old couple was driving cross country on their way to Texas, when they stopped in a small Oklahoma town for gas. The attendant walked out and asked the wife, who was driving, if they needed a fill up.

The wife says "HUH?" The husband yells "He wants to know if you want a fill up!", to which the wife replies "yes."

The attendant asks if they wanted the windshield cleaned. The wife says "HUH?" The husband yells "He wants to know if you want the windshield cleaned!", to which the wife replies "yes."

The attendant then asks if they wanted things checked under the hood. The wife says "HUH?" The husband yells "He wants to know if you want things checked under the hood!", to which the wife replies "yes."

The attendant walks around to the front of the car, and while opening the hood he looks as the license plate. It says Iowa. He says to them "I see you're from Iowa. I was in Iowa once. Met a girl there. Worst piece of ass I ever had."

The wife says "HUH?" The husband yells "He says he knows you!"

Posted by: brass pair at November 22, 2021 07:13 PM (Pgj0l)

228 So the (pick your regional foolish ethnic slang here) asks the naked woman - "You game!"

She answered - "I sure am!!"

So he shot her.

Posted by: Just the punchline at November 22, 2021 07:13 PM (jZSOU)

229 Welsh jokes- I used to date a girl with 36DD's, I had no idea how to pronounce her name.

Posted by: Ben Had at November 22, 2021 07:13 PM (JTyUy)

230 What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.
Posted by: Naughtius at November 22, 2021 07:05 PM (iOP4V)
.......

4 out of 5 dentists agree.
Posted by: wth at November 22, 2021 07:08 PM (v0R5T)

Fifth dentis hollers "KACHING!!!!"

Posted by: Pug Mahon, Crossing state lines like a Boss at November 22, 2021 07:13 PM (x8Wzq)

231 MADISON snappy answers to stupid questions comebacks:

Guy comes home late, walks carefully into the bedroom. His wife asks, "George, is that you?"

To which the husband replies, "No, it's Fred."

"Can't be Fred, he's in bed with me!"

Posted by: Blake - semi lurker at large at November 22, 2021 07:13 PM (FrSwm)

232 Cumia's new show ain't bad. That Chrissy Mayre (sp?) makes a great foil when she's on. She's not a "hole" as O & A would have said.

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 07:13 PM (Bmy3R)

233 A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Posted by: runner at November 22, 2021 07:13 PM (V13WU)

234 how many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

none!

Posted by: bored383 at November 22, 2021 07:14 PM (87FFh)

235 There was a Cajun named Peepee Guidry. He didn't like his name, so he changed it to Peepee Boudreaux.

Posted by: stu-mick-o-sucks at November 22, 2021 07:14 PM (WFMLs)

236 You know, the stigma of Land Rovers' poor reliability isn't really warranted. After all, 90% of all Rovers ever made are still on the road today.

The other 10% made it home.

Posted by: Defenestratus at November 22, 2021 07:14 PM (9V81o)

237 Stupid auto cucumber. MAD's. Not Madison.

Posted by: Blake - semi lurker at large at November 22, 2021 07:14 PM (FrSwm)

238 I'll tell a joke I've told here before, so pardon the repeat.

PASTOR TO HIS CONGREGATION: Everything about the human race can be found in the Bible. There isn't one thing you can think of that can't be related back to a Bible story.

LITTLE TIMMY TO PASTOR: What about PMS? Is that in the Bible?

PASTOR: {after thumbing through several pages} Yes Timmy, PMS is in the Bible. "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Posted by: Lady in Black at November 22, 2021 07:15 PM (sVtYq)

239 What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre!

Posted by: Taqiyyologist, Rickrolled by Jesus at November 22, 2021 07:15 PM (OssQ4)

240 What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

Ha! That one caught me off-guard.

Posted by: t-bird at November 22, 2021 07:15 PM (vOGqy)

241 A Scotsman told me it took him 10 minutes to walk to the pub, and 50 minutes to walk home.
I think the difference in travel time is staggering.

Posted by: Kindltot at November 22, 2021 07:15 PM (P9T5R)

242 Daniel Horowitz at_RMConservative

It's not even funny anymore.

The Hill at_thehill

NEW: Pfizer says vaccine is 100 percent effective in adolescents http://hill.cm/htpNXQK

5:14 PM - Nov 22, 2021 - https://bit.ly/3nGYgxJ

Posted by: Clyde Shelton at November 22, 2021 07:16 PM (Do5/p)

243 Rectum?? Damn near killed em!

Posted by: ChoccyChoccyChip at November 22, 2021 07:16 PM (ufJfM)

244 Man, the jokes told in the 5th grade boys cabin at Camp Ramah.... Too hard to type on the phone. Lots of farts, pickles, ants on logs, etc. Great stuff! Who knew jews have a sense of humor?

Posted by: SFGoth at November 22, 2021 07:16 PM (KAi1n)

245 3rd grade There this king in Africa, his people loved him. To celebrate his kingiversity, they had a new throne made for him. He stashed the old throne in the attic of his grass hut.
A couple of weeks later, the old throne fell through the woven floor of the Hut, crushing the poor king.
Moral: People who live in grass huts shouldn't stow thrones.

This and one other similar, which I can't recall at the moment, are the only two jokes I've ever been able to remember.

Posted by: From That Time at November 22, 2021 07:16 PM (HKy0v)

246 Two condoms walk in front of a gay bar. One condom says, c'mon let's get sh*t faced....

Posted by: Mr.Know.It.All at November 22, 2021 07:17 PM (AozZ+)

247 I see that Ace can't quit this place, either....

Posted by: Teresa in Fort Worth, Texas at November 22, 2021 07:17 PM (SRRAx)

248 For the few still following the NFL:

Chicago Bears / Matt Nagy

Posted by: Chuck C at November 22, 2021 07:17 PM (EughT)

249 A man wakes up one morning with a bright orange penis. Horrified, he rushes to a hospital emergency room.

The ER doctor is baffled. He's never seen anything like this before! So he orders up every test imaginable to try to determine the cause-- a ct scan; a brain mri; a colonoscopy; etc. The tests show nothing abnormal.

So finally, the doctor tells the man he wants to take a more complete patient history. "Tell me everything you do when you get home from work at night, no matter how minor, and don't leave ANYTHING out," says the doctor.

The man replies, "Well, Doc, I pretty much always do the same things-- grab a beer; lie down on the couch; open up a big ole bag of Cheetos, and flip on The Playboy Channel."

Posted by: mnw at November 22, 2021 07:17 PM (Cssks)

250 244 Lots of farts, pickles, ants on logs, etc.

When the log rolls over, we will die, we will die! When the log rolls over, we will die!

Still remember that one.

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 07:18 PM (Bmy3R)

251 stuck in an after thread:
248 My SIL home schools her kids, but it's with a group of moms. Each of them teaches a different subject and it works out well.
My SIL teaches chemistry and algebra in the homeschool group. She's a chemical engineer and she quit her job to do this.
Posted by: redridinghood
---------------------------

Bravo to you SIL and to her husband who supports this idea.

Posted by: Braenyard at November 22, 2021 07:18 PM (ET3Lq)

252

Then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.

Posted by: Dirty Frank at November 22, 2021 07:18 PM (hmpc/)

253 Calvinist pick up line:
Hey baby is your name Grace , because you're irresistible

Posted by: Brother Northernlurker at November 22, 2021 07:18 PM (cSyAR)

254 >>> You know, the stigma of Land Rovers' poor reliability isn't really warranted. After all, 90% of all Rovers ever made are still on the road today.

Q - Why did the Brits never makes PCs?

A - They could not figure out how to make them leak oil.

Posted by: fluffy at November 22, 2021 07:18 PM (UnQlg)

255 Did you guys know that before Quasimodo was hired, Notre Dame put out a classified ad for a bell ringer. The first guy who answered the ad had no experience, but then the interviewer asked the fellow to show his bell ringing stuff, he backed up and took a running start and ran face-first into the bell, but then he bounced off and fell right off the bell tower.

The interviewer was aghast and ran down the stairs to see if he could help the poor fellow, but he was too late. One of the people in the crowd that had gathered at the foot of the bell tower asked "Do you know who this fellow is." The interviewer, realizing that he hadn't actually found out the candidate's name responded "no, but his face rings a bell."

Posted by: Cybersmythe at November 22, 2021 07:19 PM (ezpv1)

256 You hear about the plains Indian that drank five gallons of of tea one night?

They found him dead. Dead the next morning. Drowned in his tea pee.

Posted by: David W at November 22, 2021 07:19 PM (5uXrb)

257 Do you know why Texas Aggies don't go elephant hunting?
.
.
.
.
.
(Because the decoys are too big)

Posted by: Teresa in Fort Worth, Texas at November 22, 2021 07:19 PM (SRRAx)

258 875 million Chinese walk into a bar.

Posted by: rhomboid at November 22, 2021 07:19 PM (OTzUX)

259 Oddly, I'm getting all kinds of Black Friday Gun ads.

Posted by: G'rump928(c) at November 22, 2021 07:19 PM (yQpMk)

260 Q: What do you call a bass player that broke up with his girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

Posted by: Where are my ping pong balls? at November 22, 2021 07:20 PM (m3XFr)

261 There's red wasp on my monitor.
It does not perceive the screen rolling
or the mouse indicator.

Spiders usually want to kill it.

Posted by: Braenyard at November 22, 2021 07:20 PM (ET3Lq)

262 Q: How do you milk an ant?

A: First, get a low stool. . . .

Posted by: David W at November 22, 2021 07:20 PM (5uXrb)

263 The second candidate was like unto the first. No experience, and when asked to show his skills he hit the bell headfirst and ricocheted off, falling to the ground.

Upon arriving at the gathered crowd, the interviewer was asked "do you know who he is?" To which he responded, "no, but he's a dead ringer for that other fellow."

Posted by: Cybersmythe at November 22, 2021 07:20 PM (ezpv1)

264 A Portagee woman was having money problems so she kidnapped a boy. She wrote a ransom note saying I've kidnapped your son and leave a bag with 10,000 in it underneath the olive tree in the park tomorrow morning signed "the Portagee". She then pinned the note to the boy's coat and sent him home.
The next day she went to the olive tree and there was a bag with 10,000 dollars and a note from the boys mother that said, Why would you do this to another Portagee?

Posted by: CaliGirl at November 22, 2021 07:20 PM (NOYGJ)

265 Classic that ace couldn't stay away. Though, also, SAD! Trust he'll ignore the world from now on. I don't find it helps all that much, just frees up some time and energy.

Posted by: rhomboid at November 22, 2021 07:21 PM (OTzUX)

266 When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates, slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued, as James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist.
As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 "VIRGINIANS" waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said? You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something.!"

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 07:21 PM (axyOa)

267 Standing ovation for the content today. Well done!

Posted by: A dude in MI at November 22, 2021 07:21 PM (/6GbT)

268 When the moon hits your eyes like it's 4:45 its November.

Posted by: Brother Northernlurker at November 22, 2021 07:21 PM (cSyAR)

269 How do you know when you've been margarinealized? Everyone thinks they are butter than you.

Posted by: Greybeard Represent at November 22, 2021 07:21 PM (VuEko)

270 At a boutique B&B, the center staircase led to the Honeymoon Suite.
6:00 am, a very old man comes skipping down the stairs.
Orders breakfast... biscuits and gravy, eggs, bacon hashbrowns, toast, juice, coffee... the works.
About 1/2 hour late, the maybe 25 year bride come down.
Bedraggled. Gaunt. Bags under her eyes.
She orders coffee. Black.
The waitress brings it, and leaning over, asks, "What gives, honey? That old man must be 60 years older than you?"
"He cheated me! He told me he's been saving up for 65 years, and I thought he meant money!"

Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 07:21 PM (Foq6I)

271 Why are gay men the best travelers?

They already have their sh*t packed.

Posted by: Mr.Know.It.All at November 22, 2021 07:21 PM (AozZ+)

272 Why did the Idaho potatoes father not let her marry Bret Baeir? Cause he common tater.

Posted by: Javems at November 22, 2021 07:21 PM (BE3Xd)

273 Lenny's wife caught him blow-drying his penis this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing?
Apparently, "heating up your breakfast" was not the right answer.

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 07:22 PM (axyOa)

274 What were Joan Of Arc's last words?

"I'm smoking more and enjoying it less!"

Posted by: qdpsteve at November 22, 2021 07:22 PM (L2ZTs)

275 255 Cont...

So they hired his brother to replace him, but the same thing happened. Looking at the body, a policeman asked the priest if he knew the man's name.

"No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother"

Posted by: Weirddave at November 22, 2021 07:22 PM (OBfBn)

276 Month or two back, some tiny little flea-like bug managed to get *under* the screen of my monitor, and couldn't get out.

I couldn't try to squish it by pressing the screen, or I would have had a permanent flea gut stain on my screen. And it couldn't find its way out. So I had to see it scurrying around in there for a few days till it died I guess. Very discombobulating to be moving your cursor and something else is moving on the screen.

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 07:23 PM (Bmy3R)

277 Oh, here's some more jokes:

- Ted Lieu
- Kamala Harris
- Brian Stelter

Posted by: qdpsteve at November 22, 2021 07:23 PM (L2ZTs)

278 Good things about Switzerland?

Citizen army = "assault rifles" in most homes, plus, every male knows how to shoot.

That shooting range they have that shoots over a busy highway (very cool).

Vast underground infrastructure, including military and logistics stuff.

Schmidt-Rubin rifles. Army knives. Chocolate. A true federal system. Making citizenship difficult, and meaningful, to acquire for immigrants.

Posted by: rhomboid at November 22, 2021 07:23 PM (OTzUX)

279 Still reading every one and lots of laughs

Posted by: Skip at November 22, 2021 07:23 PM (2JoB8)

280 What's brown and sticky?

A STICK!

Posted by: nurse ratched at November 22, 2021 06:34 PM (W2Pud)

A sticky stick.

Posted by: flounder at November 22, 2021 07:23 PM (SH2Zi)

281 "Huh- wonder whose phone this is?"

Posted by: another punchline at November 22, 2021 07:24 PM (bJKUl)

282 Man arrives for his vasectomy in a tuxedo.
Dr. asks why he's dressed so formally.
Man replies: "If I'm gonna be impotent, I'm going to look impotent"

Posted by: Fool Otto at November 22, 2021 07:24 PM (DB16e)

283 Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond.
He used the word "manyana" (pronounced "man -yana").
Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means:
"Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day;
Maybe the day after that; Or perhaps next week; Next month; Next year. Who really cares?"
The host turned to Albert Yatapingu from the Gumbaingeri Tribe (aboriginal) who was also on the show. She asked him if there was an equivalent term in his
native language.
Eh" he replied. "In Australia we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 07:24 PM (axyOa)

284 Not gonna type this joke out because - well, it's quite non-PC. But, if you aren't offended by race-based jokes....

From the movie Boondock Saints...
https://youtu.be/MElgY9kMco0

Posted by: Doof at November 22, 2021 07:24 PM (mZUr4)

285 A bank robber pulls out a gun and points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you're geography. The puzzled teller replies, "Didn't you mean to say 'you're history' " The bank robber replies, "Don't change the subject!"

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at November 22, 2021 07:24 PM (poMoX)

286 When the log rolls over, we will die, we will die! When the log rolls over, we will die!

Still remember that one.
Posted by: Guy Smiley

"We'll all be dead when the log rolls over" - regional variation.

Posted by: SFGoth at November 22, 2021 07:25 PM (KAi1n)

287 A man takes his grandfather to a brothel to celebrate his 85th birthday. One of the ladies approaches the older man and asks, "How would you like some super sex?" The grandfather thinks for a moment then replies, "I think I'll just have the soup."

Posted by: Stu Podaso at November 22, 2021 07:25 PM (wUHYj)

288 183 Top 10 Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Posted by: vmom - link to Red's fundraiser at November 22, 2021 07:25 PM (YZG/i)

289 Posted by: rhomboid at November 22, 2021 07:23 PM (OTzUX)

Good list.

I'd add clocks. And Patrick Moraz. Just because it's going to be a short list.

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 07:25 PM (Bmy3R)

290 Repeat. Tragedy in France today as terrorists blew up a cheese factory. There was da brie everywhere.

Posted by: Javems at November 22, 2021 07:25 PM (BE3Xd)

291 What's brown and sticky?

A STICK!

Dog ..."A stick that tastes like shit !"

Posted by: JT at November 22, 2021 07:26 PM (arJlL)

292 Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks?" Paddy said

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 07:26 PM (axyOa)

293 Did you hear about the the female Texas Ranger?
They say she had the biggest posse around.

Posted by: RickP at November 22, 2021 07:26 PM (IcGCM)

294 Q. Where will you the biggest earmarks in Washington?
A. Obama's pillow

Posted by: Galactus'StiffenedCock at November 22, 2021 07:26 PM (zk4zS)

295 So the pirate walks into his favorite bar, and the bartender says "Hey! haven't seen you around in awhile. Man you look terrible!"
"What ya mean? I feel great!
"Well, look at you, you've got a hook on you hand. You didn't have that before."
"Yarr, well, there was this sea battle and a scurvy dog chopped off me hand with his sword. But, I'm fine now."
"And your leg, you didn't have peg leg before."
"Tis true, a cannonball took it off in another fight, but I'm fine."
"And your eye! You've got a patch now!"
"Arr, I was on deck using the sextant and a seagull shit right in me eye. But it's fine, really."
"You went blind from seagull shit?"
"No, ya see, it was my first day with the hook..."

Posted by: AshevilleRobert at November 22, 2021 07:26 PM (HBlzO)

296 Grasshopper walks into a bar, orders a beer.

Bartender says...Wow, we have a drink named after you.

Grasshopper responds...You have a drink named Steve?

Posted by: Mr.Know.It.All at November 22, 2021 07:27 PM (AozZ+)

297 "We'll all be dead when the log rolls over" - regional variation.
Posted by: SFGoth at November 22, 2021 07:25 PM (KAi1n)

It's cool how there are regional variations of jokes, just like with urban legends. A whole nation playing a game of Telephone, in the pre-wired days!

Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 07:27 PM (Bmy3R)

298 Joe Biden is President

Posted by: A dude in MI at November 22, 2021 07:27 PM (/6GbT)

299 Guy,

Agreed. Chrissie Mayr is genuinely funny when riffing with Cumia. One of the few female comics that make me laugh out loud--Cumia is so great at making people funnier.

Posted by: T-Lo at November 22, 2021 07:27 PM (ZAtKx)

300 Jehovah's Witness vs. Mormons Knocking at your door.

There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning. I opened it

to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:"Hello sir,

I'm a Jehovah's Witness." So I said "Come in and sit down." I offered

him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Haven't got a clue.... Nobody ever let me in before."

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 07:28 PM (axyOa)

301 Where did the pirate get the hook hand?

Second hand store.

Posted by: Mr.Know.It.All at November 22, 2021 07:28 PM (AozZ+)

302 I couldn't try to squish it by pressing the screen, or I would have had a permanent flea gut stain on my screen. And it couldn't find its way out. So I had to see it scurrying around in there for a few days till it died I guess. Very discombobulating to be moving your cursor and something else is moving on the screen.
Posted by: Guy Smiley at November 22, 2021 07:23 PM (Bmy3R)

Dude. 2 caps and a stype. No more!

Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 07:28 PM (Foq6I)

303 Jean-Paul Sartre's recipe for tuna casserole:

Place an empty casserole dish into a cold oven. Turn off all the lights in the kitchen and sit, staring at the oven. Think about how hungry you are. Continue until you go insane.

Posted by: mr_jack at November 22, 2021 07:28 PM (NT3Uy)

304 What was the Welshman doing in the garden?

Taking a leek.

Posted by: andycanuck (UHVv4) at November 22, 2021 07:28 PM (UHVv4)

305 I took my grandson out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters.....he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 07:28 PM (axyOa)

306 A kangaroo hops into a bar. The bartender is stunned, but he is even more amazed when the kangaroo begins to speak English. *** The kangaroo orders a vodka martini. The bartender pours it and the kangaroo drinks it up in one bug gulp. He orders another one. The bartender puts it in front of the kangaroo, and he swallows it in a single swig. *** "Another if you please sir."

Bartender delivers a fresh vodka martini, which the kangaroo drinks right up, but a little messier this time because by now he's getting swacked. ***"Bartender, my tab please."

The bartender eyes the kangaroo and considers the situation. Since he has no idea how the kangaroo will react to his bill, the bartender decides to charge him $100 for each vodka martini. The kangaroo eyes the bill suspiciously. *** Now the bartender is really curious. He says, "you know, we don't get many kangaroos in here."

The kangaroo pulls a handful of crumpled bills out of his pouch a slams them onto the bar. "Oh yeah? Well at these prices, you won't get many more."

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero43) at November 22, 2021 07:29 PM (guGkK)

307 What do you call a gay Native American?

A brave sucker

Posted by: Steely Dan at November 22, 2021 07:29 PM (Dad7I)

308 A husband and wife return from a night out. The husband takes his wife's coat, hangs it up, then grabs some water and aspirin and offers it to his wife.

She looks at him, puzzled, and says, "I don't have a headache."

Ha! Gotcha!

Posted by: Blake - semi lurker at large at November 22, 2021 07:29 PM (FrSwm)

309 I've been asked what got me started in public speaking. It was back in high school. A friend of mine had been having a hard time for a couple of months, so I thought I'd try to cheer him up a bit by getting him some new music. While I was looking through the racks at the record store, I saw something that just had to be perfect. The very name of the band promised some cheerful, peppy melodies, just the thing to pull my friend out of the doldrums. Later that afternoon I was handing him a new Joy Division album.

The next week, after the funeral, a lot of people came up to tell me what a good job I did on the eulogy, so that's how I discovered I had a knack for public speaking.

Posted by: tankdemon at November 22, 2021 07:29 PM (MJ3LM)

310 My wife went on holiday to the West Indies.

Jamaica?

No, she went of her own free will.

Posted by: andycanuck (UHVv4) at November 22, 2021 07:29 PM (UHVv4)

311 After a long day of hunting Steve and Fred, 2 lawyers, are caught in a storm while driving home. They attempt to continue on; but, the storm is too strong and when they see a driveway with a house up on a hill they carefully drive up and make their way up to the house.
A woman comes to the door in response to their knock and says she's a widow and they can't stay in the house; but, can stay in the barn.
The next day the storm has cleared and they drive home without any problem.
9 months go by and Steve calls Fred and asks if he went up to the widow's place after Steve fell asleep and told the widow he was Steve.
Fred says yes he did and asks how Steve knew and why was he asking about it after 9 months.
Steve tells him the widow has died and left Steve the farm.

Posted by: AZ deplorable moron at November 22, 2021 07:30 PM (mMQZc)

312 When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike,
had sex with two women and blown a grand on booze.
She's gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 07:30 PM (axyOa)

313 SFGoth, show knew Jews had such a sense of humor?
Sheccky, Buddy, Joey, Milton, Groucho, etc. Etc.
They also write great Christmas songs.

Posted by: From That Time at November 22, 2021 07:31 PM (HKy0v)

314 Ben Had

♬ ♩ ♪ ♫ Good evening! ♩ ♫ ♬ ♪

🥃
🥃

Posted by: NaCly Dog (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 07:31 PM (u82oZ)

315 He said, "Haven't got a clue.... Nobody ever let me in before."

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 07:28 PM (axyOa

If my roommate in collage saw them coming he would strip down to his tightly whities, open the door and say "Come on in".

Posted by: Javems at November 22, 2021 07:31 PM (BE3Xd)

316 284 Doof

Yes! And it's presented very well too. The character telling that joke is really bashful, and he's afraid his audience won't think it's funny.

Of a piece: the origin of Sicilians joke in "True Romance."

Posted by: mnw at November 22, 2021 07:31 PM (Cssks)

317 Q. Why did Joe Biden cross the road?

A. His dick was stuck in the chicken.

Posted by: Toad-O at November 22, 2021 07:31 PM (cct0t)

318 Bee:
Jonah Goldberg & Stephen Hayes Quit Fox News to Join 'The View'

https://tinyurl.com/7vfbyarr

Posted by: clutch cargo - processed in a facility that may contain lead at November 22, 2021 07:31 PM (wAnMi)

319 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse ponders for a minute and responds "I don't think I am." And poof he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate "I think, therefore I am."

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Posted by: Half Dozen at November 22, 2021 07:32 PM (dJs6r)

320 A 23 year old guy is ready to go out on the town. He looks down at his dick and asks 'what do you want to do tonight?' His dick thinks a minute and looks up at him with its one good eye and exclaims "I KNOW, LETS FUCK SOMETHING!"

Posted by: Bonecrusher at November 22, 2021 07:32 PM (hrRsI)

321 What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts

This joke was created 14 seconds after the Challenger disaster.

Posted by: JoeXiDen - Lessko Brandon at November 22, 2021 07:32 PM (EwyZo)

322 A Jew, A Catholic and Joe Biden go to Heaven.
They get to the pearly gates and are surrounded by clocks. So the Jew asks St. Peter "Yo Pete what's up with all these clocks?" St. Peter looks over his tri focal glasses and says "Every time you masturbate the clock goes around once, yours is right over there. It goes around about once a week." The Catholic giggles a little and the Jew asks "where is his?" pointing to the Catholic. "His is right over there, goes around once a day and twice on Sunday." St Peter says with a smirk. The Jew and the Catholic look at Joe Biden whose eyes are as big as saucers with a horrified look on his face. " What about him?" "Oh his is in Jesus's room, he uses it for a fan."

Posted by: Hairyback Guy at November 22, 2021 07:33 PM (R/m4+)

323 Two blondes are walking down the street on one of them spots a compact on the ground. She picks it up and opens it, and upon seeing her reflection says, "hmm, that girl looks familiar but I can't quite place her." The other blonde takes the compact, looks at it, then hands it back saying, "you idiot, that's me!"

Posted by: Jordan61 at November 22, 2021 07:33 PM (qxz9B)

324 Blake - semi lurker at large

I tried that once. Once.

Posted by: NaCly Dog (u82oZ) at November 22, 2021 07:33 PM (u82oZ)

325 NaCly, you are the sunshine in my day.

Posted by: Ben Had at November 22, 2021 07:34 PM (JTyUy)

326 Did you know Helen Keller had a dog?

Neither did she.

Posted by: Fool Otto at November 22, 2021 07:34 PM (DB16e)

327 What do Gage Grosskreutz and Colin Kaepernick have in common?

A retired arm.

Posted by: mc at November 22, 2021 07:34 PM (arTnq)

328 One night I went to bed with an Eskimo woman. The next day, she was six months pregnant.

Posted by: stu-mick-o-sucks at November 22, 2021 07:35 PM (WFMLs)

329 You can't just take those Hobbits across Isengard Lines!

Posted by: Ambiguously Gay Legolas at November 22, 2021 07:35 PM (zHiKL)

330 Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"
Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason."
Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - Then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room, clothes are flying, talking stopped and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable and for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. The truth.
Wife - "Bullshit. You played 36 holes, didn't you???

Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 07:35 PM (axyOa)

331 The surgeon approached the man on operating table a bit queasy from the Xmas party last night. He picks up the scalpel and prepares to make the appendectomy incision. Unfortunately, a brief spasm happens, and he lays open the man's scrotum, severs his testicles, and they fall to the floor!

Before the stricken surgeon can speak, a nurse walks by and crushes them! The surgeon can see his career being crushed as well. Thinking furiously, he devises a plan! "Nurse," he calls, "run to the commissary and bring back two onions."

The nurse returns quickly as requested, and the surgeon peels the onions down to the proper size for the man's balls. He drops them into the empty scrotum and sews it back up. Crisis averted, he completes the appendectomy.

Weeks later, the fully-recovered patient is in the surgeon's office for his final post-op visit. The surgeon asks, "Is there anything still bothering you?" The man replies "Well, doc, there are three things that are kind of unusual."

"First, every time I pee, my eyes water."

"Second, when my wife and I have relations, she complains of heartburn."

"Third, every time I go past a burger joint, I get a hard-on!"

Posted by: Dave G at November 22, 2021 07:35 PM (ruNW8)

332 222 "I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo."
Posted by: runner

*dying*

Posted by: vmom - link to Red's fundraiser at November 22, 2021 07:35 PM (YZG/i)

333 Why is Princess Di like a mobile phone?

They both die in tunnels.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at November 22, 2021 07:35 PM (vuisn)

334 Today I'm taking them to the movies.

Posted by: DaveA at November 22, 2021 07:36 PM (FhXTo)

335 So, a guy goes with his comedian friend to a convention. They're having a joke telling contest.
First guy gets up on the stage and says "27" and all the attendees start laughing.
Next guy gets up and says "102!" and everyone laughs uproariously.
The guy asks his friend what's going on. Friend says "Oh, we know all the jokes so we just use their numbers. Makes it faster."
Guy asks if he can try, and his friend says "Sure".
Gets up to the mike and says "23!" and nobody laughs.
He goes back to the table and his friend says "That's a pretty funny joke. I guess it's just the way you told it."

Posted by: AshevilleRobert at November 22, 2021 07:36 PM (HBlzO)

336 Three legged dog walks into a bar. Bartender says "Whatcha doin' in this bar, three legged dog?"

"Lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

Posted by: Erik In Texas at November 22, 2021 07:36 PM (zO9D/)

337 Wife - "Bullshit. You played 36 holes, didn't you???
Posted by: Diogenes at November 22, 2021 07:35 PM (axyOa)

Ha! I'm telling hubs this one as soon as he gets home!

Posted by: Jordan61 at November 22, 2021 07:37 PM (qxz9B)

338 Knock knock.
Who's there?
Depression.
Depression who?
Who cares?

Posted by: qdpsteve at November 22, 2021 07:37 PM (L2ZTs)

339 Pssst... I don't think WeirdDave is really going to write about Switzerland.

Posted by: InCali at November 22, 2021 07:37 PM (ov5G+)

340 Knock knock.
Who's there?
Narcissism.
Narcissism who?
Don't you know who I am?!

Posted by: qdpsteve at November 22, 2021 07:37 PM (L2ZTs)

341 Two blondes are walking down the street on one of them spots a compact on the ground. She picks it up and opens it, and upon seeing her reflection says, "hmm, that girl looks familiar but I can't quite place her." The other blonde takes the compact, looks at it, then hands it back saying, "you idiot, that's me!"

Posted by: Jordan61 at November 22, 2021 07:33 PM (qxz9B)

lol, I am telling the Mrs.

Posted by: flounder at November 22, 2021 07:37 PM (SH2Zi)

342 Knock knock.
Who's there?
Paranoid schizophrenia.
Parano--
YOU'RE THE DEVIL!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: qdpsteve at November 22, 2021 07:37 PM (L2ZTs)

343 How many Kennedy's does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Two...one to hold the bulb and Zombie Ted Kennedy to drink enough to make the room spin.

Posted by: Orson at November 22, 2021 07:37 PM (tI1Ca)

344 How did Hellen Keller burn her right face?
She answered the iron.

How did she burn the left side?
They called back.

Posted by: JoeXiDen - Lessko Brandon at November 22, 2021 07:39 PM (EwyZo)

345 I'm thinking now about those awesome "Truly Tastelesa Jokes" books I used to have when I was in my early teens. The ones you could buy at the bookstores in the malls. Good times!!

Posted by: Doof at November 22, 2021 07:39 PM (mZUr4)

346 Nood straw. Joe Mannix.

Posted by: Clyde Shelton at November 22, 2021 07:39 PM (Do5/p)

347 Having a midnight snack and catching up on the news when suddenly I heard a scream from the bedroom.

Running to the bedroom I asked my wife "What's wrong?"

She said "There was a burglar in here."

I asked "Did he get anything?"

She said "Yeah, I thought it was you."

Posted by: Fritzy at November 22, 2021 07:39 PM (VY+MJ)

348 321 What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts

This joke was created 14 seconds after the Challenger disaster.
--------------

I thought that one was what color were the astronauts' eyes?
Blue -
One blue this way and one blue that way

Posted by: Not the FBI at November 22, 2021 07:40 PM (1c+dL)

349 Why was Marie Curie such a hit at parties?
She wasn't much for small talk but she could light up a room.

Posted by: qdpsteve at November 22, 2021 07:40 PM (L2ZTs)

350 What was Helen keller's favorite color?

Corduroy

Posted by: Not the FBI at November 22, 2021 07:40 PM (1c+dL)

351 "What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

"An optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds, and a pessimist is afraid so."

Posted by: Brett at November 22, 2021 07:41 PM (wINNk)

352 What do Michael Jackson and sardines have in common?

They both come on little white crackers

Posted by: Pudding Head at November 22, 2021 07:41 PM (1c+dL)

353 Punchline:
I knew I wasn't feeling two grand

Posted by: Brother Northernlurker at November 22, 2021 07:41 PM (cSyAR)

354 NOOD Joe Mannix ( not a cop)

Posted by: Skip at November 22, 2021 07:41 PM (2JoB8)

355 ...and she stepped on the ball!

Posted by: sic721 at November 22, 2021 07:41 PM (uuqCA)

356 Software Engineering Joke:

At a company retreat on a mountain top chateau the party is winding down and three employees decide to share a car down the mountain-- a manager, a maintenance technician, and a software engineer.

Halfway down the brakes on the car fail and the vehicle veers off the road into an embankment. With weather moving in, staying put is untenable, so they start discussing options.

The manager says, "We should really take thirty minutes and have a discussion, try to understand the impact of this situation to the team and..."

The maintenance tech cuts him off and says, "Look, I always carry some tools with me, I'll just get under the car, check the lines, calipers. Pretty sure I can jury rig something that'll at least get us to safety."

The software engineer, thinks for a bit. "You know, before we do all that, we should probably roll the car back up the mountain, start back down, and see if the brakes still fail"

Posted by: David W at November 22, 2021 07:42 PM (5uXrb)

357 Joe walks up to the gates of Heaven and sees St. Pete sitting up on his high chair. Pete looks through his book and says, "Joe, I don't see you have ever done anything exceptional in your life. Why should I let you in?"
Joe responds, "well there was the time I was driving along a country road and saw a pretty blond with her sports car broken down. She was being harassed by a group of big, ugly motorcycle gangsters.
"Most times I would have driven on by, but I said to myself 'Not today.' So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, walked up to the biggest and ugliest gangster and said "Sir, unhand that woman or I will put this tire iron where the sun doesn't shine!!'"
St. Pete says "Joe, that's amazing, but I don't see anything about this in the book. When did it happen?"
Joe looks at his watch. "Oh, about ten minutes ago."

Posted by: Roscoe at November 22, 2021 07:43 PM (dO0SE)

358 3 nuns are killed in a tragic car accident. They get to the pearly gates, and St Peter says, "Ladies, you've led exemplary lives, but there is a small test to enter."
First nun, "Who was the first man on earth?"
"Why, Adam of course."
Trumpets blew, the angels sang, and the pearly gates swung open.
Second nun, "And who was the first woman on earth?"
"Eve, of course"
Trumpets blew, the angels sang, and the pearly gates swung open.
Third nun... "And what were the first words Adam spake to Eve?"
The nun thought, and thought... said, "My, that's a hard one..."
Trumpets blew, the angels sang...

Posted by: MkY at November 22, 2021 07:44 PM (Foq6I)

359 #67 gets my vote

Posted by: sock_rat_eez (ahosz) at November 22, 2021 07:45 PM (ahosz)

360 The Lone Ranger finds himself tied to a stake in the middle of a hostile village, brush being piled up around him. "Can I say good bye to my trusty steed, Silver, before you light that?" he begs. The lead inquisitor agrees, and after a brief huddle, Silver races away in a cloud of dust and returns half an hour later with the town prostitute. The color drains from the Masked Man's face, and grabbing Silver's groans "Posse, Silver, I said POSSE!"

Posted by: Erik In Texas at November 22, 2021 07:45 PM (zO9D/)

361 Two blondes walk into a building.

You think they would have seen it.

Posted by: pawn at November 22, 2021 07:45 PM (Cfk8j)

362 A hunter name Kyle calls up his buddy Nick and says "Did you hear? Antifa hunting season starts tomorrow in Wisconsin and Minneapolis?" Nick says "No way! When did that happen". Kyle says "Just recently, and there's no hunting license required. Want to go to Kenosha tomorrow with me?" Nick says OK, and they drive to Kenosha and park the truck near downtown at sunset. Kyle gets out and sets up a table with MAGA hats, Free Speech and 2A posters, and an 11 year old boy in a dress tied to one of the legs. Two Antifa show up with crazed looks and head for the table. Kyle aims his AR15 and kills them both with clean head shots. Just then, a game warden truck shows up with siren blaring. The warden gets out and yells "What the hell are you doing shooting those two?" Kyle says "I thought this was opening day for Antifa hunting season, warden." The warden says "It is, but you can't bait them like that!"

Posted by: CencalMike at November 22, 2021 07:47 PM (JOV2V)

363 Holiday time - housewife sees mailman and invites him in. Says she has a holiday gift for him. Takes him into the bedroom for a romp. She tells him to get dressed and meet her in the kitchen.

When he comes out, there's a cup of coffee and a 5 dollar bill waiting. He asks what that's for.

She says when she asked her husband what they should get the mailman as a gift he said, "Fuck him - give him 5 bucks".

She says, "the coffee was my idea"

Posted by: Doof at November 22, 2021 07:47 PM (mZUr4)

364 Biochemist pickup line:

I wish I was helicase so I could unzip your genes

Posted by: David W at November 22, 2021 07:48 PM (5uXrb)

365 278 Good things about Switzerland?

Citizen army = "assault rifles" in most homes, plus, every male knows how to shoot.
That shooting range they have that shoots over a busy highway (very cool).
Vast underground infrastructure, including military and logistics stuff.
Schmidt-Rubin rifles. Army knives. Chocolate. A true federal system. Making citizenship difficult, and meaningful, to acquire for immigrants.
Posted by: rhomboid at November 22, 2021 07:23 PM (OTzUX)
-------------------

Tina Turner

Posted by: Braenyard at November 22, 2021 07:48 PM (ET3Lq)

366 A mute hears that there's a doc that can make him speak. He gets an appt. Doc walks into exam room, tells him to drop his pants and bend over. Doc reaches behind door and shoves a baseball bat up his ass. Mute screams "Aaaay!". Doc drops bat and says "come back tomorrow, I'll teach you B".

Posted by: mc at November 22, 2021 07:50 PM (arTnq)

367 An oldie but goodie:
A freshly ordained priest who has lived a very sheltered life is walking downtown in a big city. He's approached by a prostitute who asks him' "How about some head Father? Just 20 bucks"
Not understanding what she means he mutters, "No thank you young lady." And continues on his way.
As he is walking, he keeps wondering what the prostitute meant by her offer of "head". So when he arrives at his parish and sees a young nun out front he thinks, " Ah, there's a young woman. Maybe she can tell me what that lady on the street was talking about."
So as he approaches her he says, "Excuse me sister, but could you tell me, what is "head"?
The young nun responds, "20 bucks Father, same as downtown."

Forgive me Lord.

Posted by: RickP at November 22, 2021 07:52 PM (IcGCM)

368 What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck

Posted by: Mose at November 22, 2021 07:52 PM (hgzJ9)

369 Waling Into Bars:

A termite walks into a bar ad asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks and asks, "Why the long face?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you know we have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Stan?"

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. They got a table and start drinking. After a while the giraffe passes out and collapses into a heap. The man begins to walk out the bartender yells after him, "Hey! You can leave that lyin' on the floor." The man says, "That's not a lion; that's a giraffe."

Posted by: David W at November 22, 2021 07:53 PM (5uXrb)

370 An elephant was talking to a rhinoceros and said, "You know, I never forget a face, but in your case I hope to make an exception."

Posted by: tankdemon at November 22, 2021 07:54 PM (MJ3LM)

371 A new prisoner is being shown around his cell block. And old hand is showing him how things work.

Old guy says, "We've all been here a long time. We've heard it all and seen it all. We have a short hand for everything. Even the jokes are numbered. "

The New guy is impressed. "So how does that work?" he asks.

The old hand yells out "42!" and the other prisoners start laughing. "16!" More laughter. "This one here is the general favorite. 27!" The entire cellblock bursts out laughing.

The new guy decides to try. He yells out "16!" Dead silence. "86!" More silence. "8!" he yells out. Absolute silence. He turns to the old guy and says, "What gives?"

Old guy says, "Well some people just don't know how to tell a joke."

Posted by: Introverted Elephocentric Hypochondriac at November 22, 2021 07:57 PM (iYEMc)

372 A man and woman get in an elevator and start the journey. She turns to him and says "TGIF!" He replies "SHIT." She tries again, saying "Thank God it's Friday!" He replies "Sorry honey, it's Thursday."

Posted by: Greybeard Represent at November 22, 2021 07:58 PM (VuEko)

373 What's brown and sticky?

Kamala Harris.

Posted by: Nonna Mouse at November 22, 2021 07:58 PM (ULLWV)

374 What do you get when you cross a Labrador and a poodle?
A labradoodle.

What do you get then you cross a shih tzu and a bulldog?
A bullsh*t.

What do you get when you cross a rottweiler and doberman?
Torn limb from limb.

Posted by: tankdemon at November 22, 2021 07:58 PM (MJ3LM)

375 What's the difference between a musician and a sixteen inch pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.

Posted by: Nancy at 7000 ft at November 22, 2021 07:59 PM (0tmoY)

376 At age 60 your wife thinks you're great in bed if you don't move and don't make a sound.

Posted by: Java Joe at November 22, 2021 08:03 PM (2p/1y)

377 My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adio Omegas!

Posted by: Brandon and Kumi at November 22, 2021 08:05 PM (nZr0l)

378 A dyslexic man walks into a bra. . .

Posted by: David W at November 22, 2021 08:06 PM (5uXrb)

379 Blond goes to the Doctor and complains, "Doc I just hurt all over". Doc says, "Show me where" She presses her knee with her finger, "Here". and then her elbow, "Here", and her chin, "Here. Doc says, "I think I see your problem, you have a broken finger".

Posted by: Javems at November 22, 2021 08:07 PM (BE3Xd)

380 It looks like you blew a seal.

Posted by: Cat Ass Trophy at November 22, 2021 08:08 PM (UkBFs)

381 Does the name PAVLOV ring any bells for you?

Posted by: Bonecrusher at November 22, 2021 08:08 PM (hrRsI)

382 Q. Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

A. Professional courtesy.

Posted by: David W at November 22, 2021 08:08 PM (5uXrb)

383 Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat walked up and exposed himself to them.
The first old lady had a stroke and then died.
The second old lady also had a stroke and then died as well.
The third old lady? Well her arms weren't quite long enough for her to have a stroke, but she died anyway.

Posted by: RickP at November 22, 2021 08:10 PM (IcGCM)

384 Why did the chicken cross the state border? To shoot people with his AR-15! Don't pay attention to the chicken's claim of self-defense, it was Poultry Supremacy that made him shoot those three other chickens.

Posted by: Cthillary, dead but dreaming at November 22, 2021 08:14 PM (zSyrn)

385 A whole series of horrible jokes I learned in grade school: What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs who sits on a grill? Frank!
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs who sits on a grill? Patty!
What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen!
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs who sits in a pile of leaves? Russell!

Posted by: Nancy at 7000 ft at November 22, 2021 08:15 PM (0tmoY)

386 @381

No, but the name Quasimoto does (ring a bell).

Posted by: David W at November 22, 2021 08:17 PM (5uXrb)

387 A father and his young son were walking through the neighborhood when they happened upon two dogs going at it. The son stopped and staring at them asked, "dad what are they doing"? Thinking fast the dad said, "they're making puppies". The boy scratched his head a moment then seemed to buy this and off they went on their walk. Later that week, late at night, the boy was awakened by noises coming from his parents room. He walks into their room and finds them having sex. He asks "dad, what are you and mom doing"? Thinking fast again the dad says, "we're making you a little brother". The boy thinks for moment and says "could you turn her over I'd rather have a puppy"!

Posted by: Just passing through at November 22, 2021 08:42 PM (1W77K)

388 A new prisoner meets his big, mean looking cellmate. He is surprised when he is asked, "Do you want the top bunk or the bottom bunk?"

"Uh, I guess I'll take the top bunk, thank you."

Then Bubba asks him, "You wanna be the husband or you wanna be the wife?" His eyes widen and he stammers, "Uh, the husband?"

"Good! Now get over here and suck your wife's dick!"

Posted by: Taqiyyologist... at November 22, 2021 08:51 PM (OssQ4)

389 What's brown and has holes in it?

Swiss sht.

Posted by: drjimi at November 22, 2021 09:00 PM (DNG9x)

390 Aeronautics engineers are having trouble with their new design -- the wings keep tearing off.

The janitor overhears their wails and says "May I offer a suggestion? Drill a line of holes in each wing."

What do they have to lose? They try it -- and tge wings stay intact.

Congratulating the janitor, they ask: "You haven't studied engineering -- how did you know that would work?"

He replies, "I've been a janitor for 28 years -- and I have yet to see toilet paper tear where it's perforated."

Posted by: Weak Geek at November 22, 2021 09:02 PM (Om/di)

391 A cowboy is captured by the Apache, who're gonna kill him; but they give him one last wish. So he whispers in his horse's ear, and the horse runs off; comes back a couple hours later wiht a gorgeous blond in the saddle.

The Apache are impressed, let the guy have another wish. He whispers to the horse, horse takes off, comes back a couple hours later with a gorgeous redhead.

The Apache are intrigues, give the guy another wish. He goes up to the horse and says "Listen, stupid. Posse. Go get the posse."

Posted by: drjimi at November 22, 2021 09:04 PM (DNG9x)

392 Guy's bear hunting. Sees a giant grizzly. Fires at it with his rifle. The bear roars, charges the hunter, knocks him down, rolls him over, and bones him up the ass (as bears are wont to do).

The guy's pissed, so the next day he takes a tommy gun into the woods, looking for that bear. And he finds him and opens fire. And the bear roars, and charges, and knocks the hunter down, rolls him over, and bones him up the ass.

Now the guy's really pissed, so the next day he takes an RPG into the woods. And he finds that goddam bear and fires on it. But the bear roars, charges, knocks the guy down, rolls him over and says "You don't come here for the huntin', do you?"

Posted by: drjimi at November 22, 2021 09:11 PM (DNG9x)

393 Oh, I wish this had shown up when I had slack time at work today!

Anyway --

Guy is talking about his marital miseries.

"My wife and I had a fight a month ago, and I did a terrible thing. I hit her.

"I didn't see that woman for three days.

"Then the swelling went down in my eyes, and there she was."

Posted by: Weak Geek at November 22, 2021 09:16 PM (Om/di)

394 An Indian chief goes to see a psychiatrist
The shrink asks him what is bothering him.
The chief says he is very confused. "Some mornings when I wake up I think I'm a tepee and other mornings I think I'm a wigwam." The psychiatrist tells him " I think you're problem is that you're too tense."

Posted by: Will Stevens at November 22, 2021 09:17 PM (j1nMj)

395 Pixy thinks the next joke I want to tell is spam. Phooey!

Posted by: Weak Geek at November 22, 2021 09:39 PM (Om/di)

396 So this one, then.

Wife tells guy, "For my birthday, I want something I can use to protect myself and something to drive."

He gave her a hammer and a box of nails.

Posted by: Weak Geek at November 22, 2021 09:51 PM (Om/di)

397 How can you tell who's the blind man in a nudist camp?

It's not hard.

Posted by: Jack at November 22, 2021 09:55 PM (UO8g+)

398 What's the "N" on the University of Nebraska's football helmets stand for?

Knowledge.

Posted by: Riddle at November 22, 2021 10:05 PM (uSUPL)

399 Psychiatrist to patient: "There IS a man following you.

"He's trying to collect what you owe me."

Posted by: Weak Geek at November 22, 2021 10:06 PM (Om/di)

400 A man was having sex with his wife when the two of them saw their son watching from the doorway.

The son quickly turned and left. The man told his wife not to worry, he would speak to the boy. He put on some cloths and walked to his son's room.

There he found his son having vigorous sex with his grandmother.

The father is shocked and starts trying to say something, stuttering and stammering.

Then his son turns to him and says, "Sure! It's different when it's your mother!"

Posted by: Ponsonby Britt at November 22, 2021 10:23 PM (0zxq7)

401 I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand and an eye patch. I asked him, where'd you get the peg leg?

"Arrrgh," he said, "cannonball took it clean off."

I next asked about the hook.

"Arrrgh. A saber took me hand off, be jabbers" he said.

So I finished up by asking about the eye patch.

"Keelhaul me for a lubber," he said "if the cap'n didn't walk past and surprise me."

When I looked puzzed he went on. "First day with the hook."

Posted by: Twelve Kanaw at November 22, 2021 10:27 PM (amJuU)

402 How do you spot a blind guy at a nudist colony? It is not hard.

Posted by: Shafter at November 22, 2021 10:28 PM (I8rxg)

403 @385 --

Nancy, thanks! I hadn't heard those.

The ones I know ...

... who's hanging on the wall? Art!

... who's lying on the floor? Matt!

... who's been slashed? Nick!

Posted by: Weak Geek at November 22, 2021 10:41 PM (Om/di)

404 Little Johnny was being such a nuisance one day so his mother told him, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the construction crew building that new house? Maybe you'll learn something."
So off little Johnny goes and then comes home a couple of hours later.
His mother asks, "So did you learn anything while you were across the street?
Johnny excitedly replied, "Yeah mommy. I learned how you install a door!"
His mother said, "Well, tell me how then."
So Johnny says, "First you set the frame, but naturally the son of a bitch doesn't fit the opening. So now you have to take the motherfucker out and cut the goddamn thing down. But of course the cocksucker isn't level so the whole thing is just one big clusterfuck."
Johnny's mother is appalled but keeps her cool and tells Johnny to go to his room until his father gets home.
When dad gets there, mom makes Johnny tell him exactly what he told her.
Dad gets red in the face with rage but tries to be calm and says to Johnny, "I want you to go outside and get me a switch."
Johnny replies, "Fuck you. That's an electrician's job.

Posted by: RickP at November 22, 2021 10:49 PM (IcGCM)

405 How can you tell your car mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

Posted by: cnredd at November 22, 2021 10:55 PM (oQksw)

406 Lodge meeting was canceled.

The Supreme Exalted Most Highest Grand Potentate's wife wouldn't let him go.

Posted by: Weak Geek at November 22, 2021 11:10 PM (Om/di)

407 Never trust an atom.
They make up everything.

Posted by: Mrs. Leggy at November 22, 2021 11:11 PM (Vf4Y7)

408 @404 --

In that same vein:

An extremely sheltered young woman was rattled by the presence of a street crew outside her house.

Her mother tried to reassure her, saying, "Those men look rough, but they are honest, hard-working, God-fearing men who call a spade a spade."

Daughter replied, "No, Mama. They call it a fucking shovel."

Posted by: Weak Geek at November 22, 2021 11:14 PM (Om/di)

409 Out in the water - Bob

Going over a fence. - Homer

Spanish woman. - Consuelo

Posted by: Ponsonby Britt at November 22, 2021 11:27 PM (0zxq7)

410 My grief counselor died the other day.

He was so good at his job that I didn't even care.

- a -

Posted by: Ajax Dahgue at November 22, 2021 11:57 PM (hL1E7)

411 two NYC bottle blondes out for a walk upstate, come across a set of tracks..
1st one points sez, I think those are deer tracks.
2nd sez...Nah ya floozy, them are Bear tracks.
1st..F you Ho...DEER tracks
2nd screw you slut BEAR tracks
DEER TRACKS!
BEAR TRACKS!!
DEER TRACKS!!
BEAR TRACKS!!!

They got so into the fight that they didn't hear the whistle, Train killed them both.

Posted by: Birddog at November 23, 2021 12:44 AM (uAI4S)

412 Aye, Mate...wadda'ya call a boomerang that don' come back??

Giv'ya a hint...

It's brown an' sticky.

Posted by: Birddog at November 23, 2021 12:47 AM (uAI4S)

413 (whispers) Wha'dya call a moron tha' sez What??

Posted by: Birddog at November 23, 2021 12:49 AM (uAI4S)

414 Soo...serious question.
If ya went out on a hunting trip in the mountains with the guys, hiked in for three days, camped under the stars, hunted all day, got drunk 'til you pass out every night..but one morning you woke with your pants around yer ankles and a sore ass...Would you tell anyone about it when you got home?

No?

Wanna go Hunting?

Posted by: Birddog at November 23, 2021 12:53 AM (uAI4S)

415 Chad the Mormon, gets married, after the ceremony , and the party...and the limo to the Hotel.
Finally gets his blushing bride into the honeymoon suite, as he is getting undressed, drops his pants and his newley betrothed exclaims
"Oh isn't that the cuuuutest Peepee!"
"Darling" sez Chad, "We are adults now, we call that a Dick"
Noooo...sez Suzi...
"I've had LOTS of dicks, that is definitely a Peepee."

Posted by: Birddog at November 23, 2021 01:08 AM (uAI4S)

416 What's the worst part about being black and Jewish?

They make you sit in the back of the gas chamber

Posted by: Warmongerel at November 23, 2021 02:09 AM (YgR3I)

417 What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging in a window?

Posted by: Magnolia at November 23, 2021 04:00 AM (kuaAZ)

418 Curt 'n Rod

Posted by: Magnolia at November 23, 2021 04:02 AM (kuaAZ)

419 What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Posted by: aelfheld at November 23, 2021 11:52 AM (Zy9Yy)

420 Me to a Swiss friend: How old is this? "Tomorrow I'll write about the things that make Switzerland great. I haven't finished it yet, but so far the flag is a big plus."

Swiss friend: "How old is what?"

Posted by: pascal at November 23, 2021 03:11 PM (vp1+5)

421 Me to Swiss friend: "Are you somehow related to Budd Abbott?"

Swiss friend: "Who?"

Posted by: pascal at November 23, 2021 05:24 PM (vp1+5)

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