Jake Tapper's Novel is a Horrible, Amateurish Mary Sue Imitation of Dan Brown

Before getting to the book -- did you read on Friday my post about Jake Tapper's incessant Reputation Operations conducted via DM?

Buzzfeed Ben wrote about that on Saturday, I think. If you don't believe me, believe Buzzfeed Ben, whose credibility is, obviously, beyond contestation.

[O]ne of the great secrets to [Jake Tapper's] professional success is his all-out defense of his reputation on all fronts at all times: Before the Tappergram about the dossier, I'd heard from him more commonly about stray tweets from BuzzFeed staffers about everything from the poop cruise (his own coverage, he wanted to point out, had been serious and policy-focused) to the usual arguments over ratings. No tweet about Tapper, not even a subtweet, falls without Tapper's notice.

I can attest. Tired of Jake Tapper's never-ending DMs, I stopped naming him in emails, and would only talk about CNN, or name him without the @-. Just asking why they weren't covering something, or the like.

You can't escape the all-seeing Twitter-addicted eye of Jake Tapper that way.

"I don't have time for your high school drama club," he said recently in his fourth rapid-fire tweet to a BuzzFeed News reporter who had botched, then quickly corrected, a Tapper quote.

Spoiler alert: He does in fact have the time -- and lots of it -- for any high school drama club, particularly the ones featuring the dramatic conflicts he's penned himself.

Perhaps the best evidence of how fiercely Tapper protects his reputation is that -- despite his irascibility being a kind of Washington legend -- I can't find any reference to it in a series of recent glowing profiles of the CNN anchor. These profiles tend to feature a relaxed-looking Tapper, surrounded by red, white, and blue memorabilia. Perhaps his feet are up on his desk. Tapper’s friends and acquaintances were rather surprised to learn, from the lede of a recent Times profile, that "Jake Tapper doesn't seem to get rattled easily."

Spoiler alert: Yes, he does get rattled easily, and often, and he will devote hours to infesting your DMs with Jake Tapper Propaganda.

He's like the North Korean Ministry of Information About the Amazing Awesomeness of Jake Tapper.

Some of Tapper's colleagues and Twitter enemies find the heated private responses to criticism over the top, a sign that he takes himself too seriously.

As the friend who pointed this article said, Buzzfeed Ben then cucks out and says "Tapper should take himself seriously" because he's like so awesome and then gives his book a very positive review, allowing that it is "trashy," but then qualifying that by saying its trashiness is "necessar[y]."

No, this level of trashiness is not necessary at all.

Ben Domenech then really piqued my interest:





I'm going to be using the term "Mary Sue." For those who don't know, a "Mary Sue" is a thinly-veiled idealized, heroic version of the author herself (this started as, and remains mostly, a female fan fic thing) inserted into a work.

"Rey" in Star Wars is widely viewed as a Mary Sue of producer Kathleen "The Force is Female" Kennedy, for example. She's good at everything, she has no flaws or struggles, and the movies just end up being Rey, or should I say Kathleen Kennedy, Wins At Everything Without Even Hardly Trying.

Here are some choice quotes from the Washington Post review, which I would say is just professional jealousy at someone doing what all media types secretly long to do but never actually get around to (write a novel), but, having read part of this piece of shit, I have to say it's just factual reportage.


Jake Tapper, the tenacious anchor of CNN, the merciless slayer of alternative facts, the dogged deflator of political egos...

...the indefatigeable Energizer Bunny of Direct Message Nastygrams...


...has written a novel about corruption in Washington. In the scandal-a-day Trump era of President Trump, the news doesn't leave much room for fiction about our government’s debauchery, but Tapper still heaps plenty of scorn on the king of chaos:

"He's impossible to ignore. He’s become this . . . planet . . . blocking the sun. And whatever points he makes that have validity are blotted out by his indecency and his lies and his predilection to smear."

"Boy that's some sophomorically overwrought prose," the literal color purple just emailed me to say.

He's talking about Joe McCarthy -- the book is set in the Wikipedia entry for the year 1954; his "research" into the era consists of stuff you'd either know off the top of your head (Playboy's first issue featured a naked Marilyn Monroe! The DC baseball franchise of that era was called The Senators!).

After the opening, which the reviewer finds promising, and which I really liked the first time I saw it in Brian DePalma's Blow Out --

But no sooner does Charlie climb out of that ditch than this novel careens into another one and stays there, spinning its wheels for 150 pages of leaden back story before we finally arrive again at that fateful morning crash. The only Red threat here is the danger of running out of Red Bull.

Perhaps all this exposition stems from the good journalist's determination to provide context, but the whole enterprise labors under a heavy burden of explainism, accentuated by the novel's flat, irony-free prose. Every senator, representative, lobbyist and aide -- including many historical figures --arrives with a resume that gets dutifully unfurled over the ever-dwindling action, mostly meetings, hearings and poker games. All historical references are carefully elucidated in the same teacherly tone, from the House Un-American Activities Committee to the Senate hearings on juvenile delinquency to the development of photocopies and pesticides.

...

Tapper’s 33-year-old protagonist, Charlie, is a World War II hero as attractive and flavor-free as a genetically engineered tomato. "Tall and broad-shouldered with piercing blue eyes" -- the best kind -- Charlie is a...

....Mary Sue idealized version of the author inserted into the book in the way a teenager would insert himself into Star Trek fan fic?

Dan Brown laughs at this the-main-character-is-a-super-handsome-version-of-myself-with-broad-shoulders-and-a-girthy-penis childishness.

... former Columbia University professor who published a best-selling work of history before being appointed by the governor of New York to fill an empty congressional seat. (That would require changing the U.S. Constitution, but if we get bogged down in technicalities like that, we'll never finish.)

Tapper the political expert didn't know Representatives may not be appointed, as Senators can be, but can only be elected?


His Brooks Brothers suit fits so well you can hardly see the Boy Scout uniform underneath. "You're good," his father tells him. "And even more than that, you believe in goodness."

Dan Brown just emailed me -- "Do you believe this load?"

...

As the country's future hangs in the balance, Tapper dutifully attends to the clashing racial attitudes of the era. Charlie, precocious as ever, possesses all the enlightened attitudes of a Brooklyn barista in 2018. Ethnic slurs nauseate him. He knows those Confederate statues should come down. And if someone would knit him a pussyhat, he would wear it proudly. His pregnant wife is, of course, a gorgeous zoologist who studies ponies.

I’m not complaining. "The Hellfire Club" is most enjoyable when it’s most groan-worthy. There's a particularly ludicrous scene in which political opponents confront each other with competing dossiers of compromising photos. The gun-toting thugs chuckle like Batman villains. In Charlie's most valiant scene, he picks up his wife and the horse she rode in on!

She's a famous ponyologist, as Ben Domenech points out, so this is all justified by the writerly technique of stupid foreshadowing.

The Federalist is also laughing.

By the way, this author also notes the Wikipedia-level research. But I noted that myself, immediately when I began reading it on Saturday night. He is constantly attempting to "authenticate" his novel by adding in "period-specific details," but all of these details are either 1, off the top of your head stuff that everyone already knows or 2, obviously culled from lists you'd find on the internet, like "stage plays and movies of 1954."

Charlie and his wife Margaret go out for a night on the town and, what do you know, the theater lobby they find themselves in is full of historically portentous people. There’s Vice President Nixon and his wife, Patricia! There’s Jack and Jackie! There’s newspaper columnist Joe Alsop! Hey, across the room is Robert Kennedy deep in conversation with Joe McCarthy! Each notable is accompanied by at least one obligatory expository lump of prose only vaguely tied to the current setting. The Kennedys get double and triple lumps, of course, such as:


Charlie's mother somewhat secretly worshiped the Kennedy brood. His father, Winston, a powerful Republican lawyer in Manhattan, had a more skeptical view of Ambassador Joseph Kennedy and, though the transitive property, his scions. He faulted the Kennedy patriarch for wanting to appease Hitler. For fun, he'd also bad-mouth him for having made his fortune in bootlegging during Prohibition.

Who needs Wikipedia? It is also helpful that people tend to introduce themselves with their full names, sometimes even with middle initials. At times one feels trapped in a creepy liberal version of the Hall of Presidents, where Jackie Kennedy quotes Alan Seegers' "I Have a Rendezvous with Death" off the cuff, and McCarthy is perpetually pounding a finger on his list of 205 communists in the State Department.

Now, I downloaded the sample, and was enthralled by the sheer wretchedness of it, and realized I couldn't highlight especially terrible passages in the sample -- so I bought it. I can highlight bad stuff in the purchased book.

No one's asking for this, but I'm doing it anyway -- periodically, at night, maybe sometimes after the ONT, I'll be quoting for you the worst parts of Jake Tapper's book, "Wikipedia: The Novel."

I'm not suggesting you buy or read it. I'm suggesting the opposite. I'll read it so you don't have to.

I'm a few chapters in and it's deliriously terrible. It's frankly a professional embarrassment which will damage his image as a "serious" person.

I don't promise to finish it. In fact, I'm sure I'll get bored by it, even reading it as a goof. There's only so many times you can take satisfaction in pointing out, for example, that one of Tapper's go-to descriptors for any older man in the book is "powerful." He has his thesaurus handy for lots of tasteless word-substitutions, and yet, he can't seem to find any other words for "powerful."

And believe me-- this book is just plain full of powerful men conspiring against Charlie Martyr. Oops, I mean Charlie Marder.

Oh fuck it, I mean Jake Tapper.

Anyway, I'll start putting up some fun stuff for your enjoyment. No schedule; I'll just do it when I need a laugh.

Posted by: Ace of Spades at 03:50 PM




Comments

(Jump to bottom of page)

1 Fake news Monday.

Posted by: flounderbot, rebel, vulgarian, deplorabot, winner at April 30, 2018 03:51 PM (Dp6qK)

2 First?

Posted by: Weasel at April 30, 2018 03:51 PM (MVjcR)

3 Hopped right over.

Posted by: Kermit at April 30, 2018 03:51 PM (ctuyM)

4 Damnit!

Posted by: Weasel at April 30, 2018 03:52 PM (MVjcR)

5 Now to read the content.

Posted by: flounderbot, rebel, vulgarian, deplorabot, winner at April 30, 2018 03:52 PM (Dp6qK)

6 Studies ponies?

As in Apple Jack and Pinkie Pie?

If so, hey Kurt Eichmannwald move over.

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 03:53 PM (S5Di7)

7 book club!!!
this time Ace reads the book so we don't

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at April 30, 2018 03:54 PM (hMwEB)

8 Now, I knew ace was Jake's spurned lover, but BEN DOMENICH?

Seriously dude gets around.

Posted by: JEM at April 30, 2018 03:54 PM (CDnzC)

9
It's frankly a professional embarrassment which will damage his image as a "serious" person.

"Readers will discover a Jake Tapper previously known only to a few Morons."

Posted by: Hadrian the Seventh at April 30, 2018 03:54 PM (BWL+E)

10 If there's one positive about Twitter, these people do seem to read what people are saying about them. So you really can get under their skin.

Posted by: Maritime at April 30, 2018 03:55 PM (lKmt3)

11 If so, hey Kurt Eichmannwald move over.

Just don't use your left turn signal to suggest he move over, or he'll hit the guardrail, roll over, and his estate will sue you.

Posted by: JEM at April 30, 2018 03:55 PM (CDnzC)

12 The problem I have with books is that it requires you to learn how to read.

*gropes bystanders*

Posted by: Joe Biden at April 30, 2018 03:55 PM (ATVNj)

13
book club!!!
this time Ace reads the book so we don't

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at April 30, 2018 03:54 PM (hMwEB)


Wait, I thought us one-tooth knuckledraggers didn't read.

Posted by: Hadrian the Seventh at April 30, 2018 03:55 PM (BWL+E)

14 You know who else wrote books?

Posted by: flounderbot, rebel, vulgarian, deplorabot, winner at April 30, 2018 03:56 PM (Dp6qK)

15 Wow long post...so, Tapper bad right?

Posted by: Nevergiveup at April 30, 2018 03:56 PM (5y11N)

16 I think I'd rather have a podcast of ace reading Fifty Shades of Grey excerpts and riffing on them.

Posted by: buzzion at April 30, 2018 03:56 PM (lKs2v)

17 Do you mean you will actually read that sludge and post a review of each chapter?

I could actually love a daily fisking of that pompous pretty-boy.

Posted by: rd at April 30, 2018 03:56 PM (4dz1m)

18 This thread's gonna feature on the next book thread, I just know it.

Posted by: Brother Cavil, Abbot of St. Costello-on-the-Hurlingbone at April 30, 2018 03:57 PM (AM1GF)

19 BJORK BJORK BJORK

Posted by: The Swedish Chef at April 30, 2018 03:57 PM (89T5c)

20 Now we know why Jake Tapper hasn't been up to his peerless reporting standards.

He's been too busy plagiarizing other people's novels.

Posted by: Adirondack Patriot at April 30, 2018 03:57 PM (MnkFD)

21 Wow long post...so, Tapper bad right?

Well, he didn't pay the check when he and ace were in a bromance, so...

Posted by: JEM at April 30, 2018 03:57 PM (CDnzC)

22 Jake Tapper, at Dartmouth, published a cartoon portraying Clarence Thomas as a lawn jockey.

So much racism in the media.

Posted by: Oschisms at April 30, 2018 03:57 PM (k0yDl)

23 Thanks, Jake! Thanks a lot!!

Posted by: Jeff Spicoli, Failed Author at April 30, 2018 03:57 PM (O5Q3r)

24
You can get a copy from fine trash cans everywhere.

Posted by: Hadrian the Seventh at April 30, 2018 03:58 PM (BWL+E)

25 So....
many....

Words!!

Posted by: the Shat at April 30, 2018 03:58 PM (9HcF6)

26 So I guess Butler-Llwellyn rejected Tapper's prose as too horrible?

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 03:58 PM (S5Di7)

27 Thank you for the chuckle. So this is the 2018 version of "I Love Lucy" where Lucy writes a novel, it's bad so she trashes it only to discover that someone wants to publish but only as an example of how NOT to write a novel.

Posted by: auscolpyr at April 30, 2018 03:59 PM (suO/a)

28 16 I think I'd rather have a podcast of ace reading Fifty Shades of Grey excerpts and riffing on them.

Posted by: buzzion at April 30, 2018 03:56 PM



You mean like Ace and AtheC doing an audio of 50 Shades?
Oooooooo.....The Deplorable Guide to Pron!!!

Posted by: Diogenes at April 30, 2018 03:59 PM (0tfLf)

29 Does the book come with a silhouette of a guy & two robot puppets in the lower right corner?

Posted by: josephistan at April 30, 2018 03:59 PM (7HtZB)

30 Tapper and 3 of his CNN/Fusion GPS buddies got an award the other night for excellence in reporting based on their exclusive report on the Russian dossier which started the whole collusion garbage.

This despite the fact that everyone now knows the dossier was a Clinton/DNC hit job and was completely made up.

That's our media in a nutshell. They don't give a shit whether what they report is true, they only care that it advances the narrative.

Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 03:59 PM (/tuJf)

31 I study ponies too!

Posted by: Andrew Beyer at April 30, 2018 03:59 PM (m7LQK)

32 Bless you, Ace!
This is funnier than the "50 Shades" live review.

Posted by: Lizzy at April 30, 2018 03:59 PM (W+vEI)

33 "Boy that's some sophomorically overwrought prose," the literal color purple just emailed me to say.


Again, the poetry of Ace.



Posted by: Deplorable Ian Galt at April 30, 2018 03:59 PM (8iiMU)

34 So what you're saying is, if I had a time machine and wanted to kill Shakespeare, I'd set a copy of this book to him with a note saying he made it possible...

Posted by: Brother Cavil, Abbot of St. Costello-on-the-Hurlingbone at April 30, 2018 04:00 PM (AM1GF)

35 I'm not suggesting you buy or read it. I'm suggesting the opposite. I'll read it so you don't have to.

I'm a few chapters in and it's deliriously terrible. It's frankly a professional embarrassment which will damage his image as a "serious" person.


Ace, I hate that you're tossing yourself on this grenade but, then again, better you than me.

Posted by: joncelli, feeling hirsute at April 30, 2018 04:00 PM (RD7QR)

36 so, ace when's the movie coming out on netflix in this boxbuster?

Posted by: chavez the hugo at April 30, 2018 04:00 PM (KP5rU)

37 So. My little pony

Posted by: SOMEASSHOLESTOLEMYPEN at April 30, 2018 04:00 PM (nQHw/)

38 Suddenly the previous thread on Miss Piggy and Kermit getting jiggy is not so outre oui?

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:00 PM (S5Di7)

39 CONFESSION BOOTH:

I don't really know who Jake Tapper is.

Some sort of TV pundit, I assume. Which puts him somewhere between mudskipper and mole-rat on the Ladder of Creation.

Posted by: zombie at April 30, 2018 04:00 PM (42M22)

40 Early O/T:

Wise Latina Update:

I've heard of hip and knee replacements but shoulder replacement? That must of been a nasty fall.

"The Supreme Court on Monday announced Justice Sonia Sotomayor will undergo shoulder-replacement surgery."

She is not well.

Posted by: WisRich at April 30, 2018 04:01 PM (G0vdT)

41 Ponyologist.....

I'm still laughing.



Posted by: Deplorable Ian Galt at April 30, 2018 04:01 PM (8iiMU)

42 This is funnier than the "50 Shades" live review.
Posted by: Lizzy at April 30, 2018 03:59 PM (W+vEI)

nothing tops that

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at April 30, 2018 04:01 PM (hMwEB)

43 Now, I knew ace was Jake's spurned lover, but BEN DOMENICH?

Seriously dude gets around.




Ben "Girthy" Domenich.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at April 30, 2018 04:01 PM (QQ+il)

44 Oh,this is going to be GOOD.

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:01 PM (LiyEm)

45 39 CONFESSION BOOTH:

Posted by: zombie at April 30, 2018 04:00 PM (42M22)

We replaced the barrel with a confession booth. Let's see if anyone notices.

Posted by: flounderbot, rebel, vulgarian, deplorabot, winner at April 30, 2018 04:01 PM (Dp6qK)

46 as a non-cuck, the HUAC is not short-hand for evvvvil to me...it's a great idea.

Posted by: Kuhyt at April 30, 2018 04:01 PM (Kuhyt)

47 Of course, of course:

@jpodhoretz

Seriously, @jaketapper 's novel is wildly entertaining. The Hellfire Club. Buy it.

Posted by: weft cut-loop at April 30, 2018 04:02 PM (LNPd9)

48 I'm gonna wait for the Cliff's Notes

Posted by: garrett at April 30, 2018 04:02 PM (tcB+2)

49 >> "You're good," his father tells him. "And even more than that, you believe in goodness."



So, no worries about 50's toxic masculinity...

Posted by: Lizzy at April 30, 2018 04:02 PM (W+vEI)

50 the book is set in the Wikipedia entry for the year 1954; his "research" into the era consists of stuff you'd either know off the top of your head ...

Where's the "or" part of this sentence!?!

Its absence is driving me MAD!

Posted by: bonhomme at April 30, 2018 04:02 PM (iv0p7)

51 So what you're saying is, if I had a time machine and wanted to kill Shakespeare, I'd set a copy of this book to him with a note saying he made it possible...


Send it to Gutenberg.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at April 30, 2018 04:02 PM (QQ+il)

52 Maybe Tapper is trying to outdo "Springtime for Hitler" in terms of making no money.

Posted by: Adirondack Patriot at April 30, 2018 04:02 PM (MnkFD)

53 Turgid Tapper... I like it.

Honestly, I have no real idea who Jake Tapper is, I don't watch tv nooz, and I don't tweeter, so my life is full enough without such a creature.

However, if we're being catty, I'll join in. That Tapper, oh, he's written a novel, you say? I'll get right to it. Right after I get done with those Stephanie Meyer books I haven't read yet.

Posted by: BurtTC at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (Pz4pT)

54 If nobody's buying books any more, how come these publishing companies have all this money to throw down the shitter?

Posted by: tu3031 at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (O5Q3r)

55 What was the name of this movie, again?

Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (EyPfd)

56 We replaced the barrel with a confession booth. Let's see if anyone notices.

The only confession booth with a host bar.

Posted by: JEM at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (CDnzC)

57 >>"The Supreme Court on Monday announced Justice Sonia Sotomayor will undergo shoulder-replacement surgery."

She's getting a new left wing?

Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (/tuJf)

58 She is not well.

Posted by: WisRich at April 30, 2018 04:01 PM (G0vdT)

Rotting from the inside out. Any chance we can get Scalia's zombie brain implanted while they are in there? Gotta be some kind of improvement.

Posted by: flounderbot, rebel, vulgarian, deplorabot, winner at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (Dp6qK)

59 Maybe he thought he could sneek one out in this Leftist book spree, everyone would go buy it and not notice. They ( Leftists) don't read this bull crap anyway.

Posted by: Skip at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (aC6Sd)

60 I've actually written a piece of fanfic that has a character that is, literally, the most powerful person on the planet just to have fun with the whole notion of Mary Sues. No, you can't read it, and it was tons of fun to write because when people would whine that it is a Mary Sue I would reply the hell it is because I would never sleep with that character.

A well done and knowing Mary Sue can be fun because it's self aware that it's a Mary Sue. The ones that are an unselfaware Mary Sue are hilarious.

Posted by: alexthechick - Ragebunny. Hopping all around. at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (mf5HN)

61 >>>47 Of course, of course:

@jpodhoretz

Seriously, @jaketapper 's novel is wildly entertaining. The Hellfire Club. Buy it.


...

as you say: Of course. They're all in a little daisy chain each with mouth loosely around the next's penis.

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (8rNrN)

62 jake tapper is a mudshark, without the endearing personality of a shark.

Posted by: chavez the hugo at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (KP5rU)

63 I talked to my ponyologist, and he said I needed a donkey dick!


Posted by: Shep! at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (8iiMU)

64 They WILL make a movie version.Rest assured.Who will play Jake Tapp...I mean Charlie?

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (LiyEm)

65 Is Tapper getting 5 star reviews like Hillary did for her book?

Posted by: dantesed at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (88xKn)

66 but also:

Jake Tapper lives rent-free in the cucks' mouths.

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (8rNrN)

67 "Charlie unfurled his girthy manliness.

'Goodness' said the McCarthy-era Republican who was rumored to be gay, 'Is that for me?'

'No,' rasped Charlie, 'Democrats save their penises for the people!'"

Posted by: joncelli, feeling hirsute at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (RD7QR)

68 You mean to tell me that a ridiculously biased, nay democrat propagandizing, journalist with no real accomplishments is a terrible author?

I believe.

Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM (pw+jk)

69 Why does a news reader and shouter think he can write a book. Who does he think he is, Ben Rhodes?

Posted by: Gumby at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM (2LelM)

70 No one's asking for this, but I'm doing it anyway -- periodically, at night, maybe sometimes after the ONT, I'll be quoting for you the worst parts of Jake Tapper's book, "Wikipedia: The Novel.
===========
I'll have some!

Thanks for giggles.

Posted by: Simplemind at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM (AVWL5)

71 A quote from the Federalist review:"I'm sure you're more than aware that there are any number of secret societies throughout Washington . . . Skull and Bones, Sons of Liberty, the Patriotic Order, the Elks, the Klan."
The ELKS?
LOL

This is like reading about the Rotary in the Hamas charter.

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM (CPk08)

72 Wise Latina Update:

I've heard of hip and knee replacements but shoulder replacement? That must of been a nasty fall.

"The Supreme Court on Monday announced Justice Sonia Sotomayor will undergo shoulder-replacement surgery."

She is not well.

-
She needs a soul implant.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM (+y/Ru)

73 I'm surprised he didn't write something like :

As Joe McCarthy returned to his self appointed destiny of chairing the Committee on UnAmerican Activities, the politicals winds were soon to turn into a hurricane and blow the Senator away.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM (n1b3L)

74 What say you, Salon Hot 25? Is Hollywood calling for the movie rights?

Posted by: cornbred at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM (9HcF6)

75 OR perhaps his wife was a Pony Grrl before they became oh so fashionable in San Francisco. So at night he takes the bridle off and slaps on a feed bag for her.

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:05 PM (S5Di7)

76 I might need to read this. I need a chaser for the unintentionally hilarious Chasing Hillary.

Posted by: JuJuBee, just generally being shamey at April 30, 2018 04:05 PM (2NqXo)

77 I can't fathom what sort of drugs you'd need to survive reading such tripe.

Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine at April 30, 2018 04:05 PM (fA1SL)

78 It would be an interesting last few chapters if his hero forty years later delved into the Verona files or KGB archives, and found out that McCarthy was actually correct. The Rosenburgs, Alger Hiss, and dozens of others were really Soviet spies and sympathizers.

Maybe he could then do a sequel about the Soviet financing of the anti-war, environmental, and anti-nuclear movements, much less the murderous rebels in the Mideast, Africa, and Asia.

Posted by: rd at April 30, 2018 04:05 PM (4dz1m)

79

Shut In to the Barrel

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:05 PM (S5Di7)

80 Anyway, I'll start putting up some fun stuff for your enjoyment. No schedule; I'll just do it when I need a laugh.

Posted by: Ace of Spades at 03:50 PM


Uh-oh . . .

Posted by: filbert at April 30, 2018 04:05 PM (953wK)

81

You guys close italics tags like Jake Tapper writes dialogue.

Which is awful. Oh Em Gee, will we be having fun with the dialogue.

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:05 PM (8rNrN)

82 Seriously, @jaketapper 's novel is wildly entertaining. The Hellfire Club. Buy it.

Posted by: weft cut-loop at April 30, 2018 04:02 PM (LNPd9)

Second look at book burning?

Posted by: flounderbot, rebel, vulgarian, deplorabot, winner at April 30, 2018 04:05 PM (Dp6qK)

83
"The Supreme Court on Monday announced Justice Sonia Sotomayor will undergo shoulder-replacement surgery."



She is not well.



-

She needs a soul implant.

====

Can we give her the Alfie treatment?

Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at April 30, 2018 04:05 PM (pw+jk)

84 His pregnant wife is, of course, a gorgeous zoologist who studies ponies.


Who fantasizes about Paolo, the studly unicorn.

Posted by: rickb223 at April 30, 2018 04:05 PM (BBhgz)

85 Thanks Ace for taking one for the team. If there are any sex scenes you can leave those out. I don't want to know how Tapper's mind work in that arena.

Posted by: Cheri at April 30, 2018 04:06 PM (oiNtH)

86
As Joe McCarthy returned to his self appointed destiny of chairing the Committee on UnAmerican Activities, the politicals winds were soon to turn into a hurricane and blow the Senator away.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM (n1b3L)


There's a lot of dumb there.

Posted by: Hadrian the Seventh at April 30, 2018 04:06 PM (BWL+E)

87 Is Tapper a secret Brony?

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at April 30, 2018 04:06 PM (n1b3L)

88 Some sort of TV pundit, I assume. Which puts him somewhere between mudskipper and mole-rat on the Ladder of Creation.

Posted by: zombie at April 30, 2018 04:00 PM (42M22)


So a type of weasel then.

Posted by: blaster at April 30, 2018 04:06 PM (Z5y53)

89 "Boy that's some sophomorically overwrought prose," the literal color purple just emailed me to say.
**************************************************

Literally Hitler purple?

Posted by: JuJuBee, just generally being shamey at April 30, 2018 04:06 PM (2NqXo)

90 >>>73 I'm surprised he didn't write something like :

As Joe McCarthy returned to his self appointed destiny of chairing the Committee on UnAmerican Activities, the politicals winds were soon to turn into a hurricane and blow the Senator away.

...

he writes stuff like that all the time.

I'm only two chapters in, but the first two chapters are always the MOST POLISHED and MOST PROFESSIONAL parts of a book. They're the most heavily rewritten; people know that a casual customer may just start reading the first 20 pages before deciding to buy.

And the first two chapters are child-like.

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:06 PM (8rNrN)

91 "There's no winning in Conservatism THERE'S NO WINNING IN CONSERVATISM! REEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

@NRO 3m

The Right is far too desperate to appear young and hip. http://bit.ly/2HGpXzf via @JJ_McCullough #KanyeWest

Posted by: weft cut-loop at April 30, 2018 04:07 PM (LNPd9)

92 grrrr glub glub glub

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:07 PM (CPk08)

Posted by: rd at April 30, 2018 04:07 PM (4dz1m)

94 Hey Ace, are there any love scenes involving taint-painting? Asking for a friend.

Posted by: cornbred at April 30, 2018 04:07 PM (9HcF6)

95 #52

"de Fuhrer did not so dis 'baby baby baby !"

Posted by: Lucian St. DuBois ... but my friends call me LSD at April 30, 2018 04:07 PM (f6tGE)

96 Is his ponyologist wife named Catherine?

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at April 30, 2018 04:07 PM (hMwEB)

97 87. Better quarantine him in a labor camp, as a precautionary measure.

Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine at April 30, 2018 04:07 PM (fA1SL)

98 The night was moist, with communists.

Posted by: Jake Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:07 PM (4e+hS)

99 Would you believe the Carey Treatment?

Posted by: Burger Chef at April 30, 2018 04:07 PM (RuIsu)

100 Speaking of terrible writers, Patterico has taken his prolonged primal scream about RedState making a free market business decision about dumping Fat Fuck Erickson, Susan Wright and the paranoid prosecutor himself to that noted conservative journal, the LA Times.

Posted by: Captain Hate at April 30, 2018 04:07 PM (y7DUB)

101 Wait. His pregnant wife rides everyone like a pony?

Is this a porn script and how could that type of fetish be boring?

Maybe Jake does have some writing talent?

Will he be working with Stormy on a move version?

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:07 PM (VpIIl)

102 JPod prides himself on getting the whole cock AND the balls down his throat...

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:07 PM (LiyEm)

103 >>"The Supreme Court on Monday announced Justice Sonia Sotomayor will undergo shoulder-replacement surgery."



I hope it's not her dusting arm.

Posted by: garrett at April 30, 2018 04:07 PM (tcB+2)

104 Tap tap tapping on heaven's door...


Well, there's no knockers. So there.

Posted by: Anon a mouse at April 30, 2018 04:08 PM (7LY+6)

105 It was a dark and Stormy Daniels....

Posted by: JuJuBee, just generally being shamey at April 30, 2018 04:08 PM (2NqXo)

106 Getting Roger DeBris to make a musical out of this novel would be a vast improvement.

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:08 PM (S5Di7)

107 >>>76 I might need to read this. I need a chaser for the unintentionally hilarious Chasing Hillary.

You can download the sample on Kindle or on to your computer if you don't have a kindle -- you can load the kindle ap on your laptop.

Free.

Not sure you'll want to read more after the first couple of chapters!


Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:08 PM (8rNrN)

108 I'm banning all of you mean girls from Amazon reviews!!!!! [/cries..and bites pillow]

Posted by: Jake Tap-Tap Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:08 PM (pw+jk)

109 Ace, did it open up with 'It was the worst of times. It was the best of times"?

Posted by: Gumby at April 30, 2018 04:08 PM (2LelM)

110 Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM (n1b3L)

It was a dark and stormy night. A maid screamed and a pirate ship sailed into the harbor.

Posted by: Snoopy at April 30, 2018 04:08 PM (suO/a)

111 As Joe McCarthy returned to his self appointed destiny of chairing the Committee on UnAmerican Activities, the politicals winds were soon to turn into a hurricane and blow the Senator away.


IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE SENATOR MCCARTHY WAS A SENATOR AND NOT ON HUAC!

Posted by: BEN ROETHLISBERGER at April 30, 2018 04:08 PM (7HtZB)

Posted by: Curmudgeon at April 30, 2018 04:08 PM (ujg0T)

113 Tapper is a furry?

Posted by: Mr Aspirin Factory at April 30, 2018 04:08 PM (89T5c)

114 I picture Tapper lying on the floor in his living room writing the manuscript with a crayon...

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:09 PM (LiyEm)

115 jake tapper: that has to be his pen name, right? nobody is named jake tapper for real. that sounds like he fucks young male turkey's.

Posted by: chavez the hugo at April 30, 2018 04:09 PM (KP5rU)

116 I take it this isn't going to be our next book club book.

Posted by: rickl at April 30, 2018 04:09 PM (xjiRE)

117 Can you be cucked by a brony?

Jake Tapper can. That's how far down he is on he-man spectrum.

Posted by: zombie at April 30, 2018 04:09 PM (42M22)

118 so, ace you didn't like this movie?


But seriously, thanks (again) for taking one for the team.


Oh - and Clancy generally wrote horrible dialogue, too (at least based on Red October, which I read before it was in wide release, and Red Storm Rising).


One more thing - WTF about the "scandal a day" of Trump's Washington? WTF about his "lies and indecency"? Examples, please?


The greatest scandals in our history are being slowly unraveled since Trump's inauguration - all of them Obama scandals, IC scandals, FBI scandals, State scandals. All of them. None of them Trump scandals.


Just amazes me, the way these throwaway fabrications and lies (such as references to Trump's "lies") are mindlessly absorbed by so many people, and so much of the Beltway/media tribe.

Posted by: rhomboid at April 30, 2018 04:09 PM (QDnY+)

119 No tweet about Tapper, not even a subtweet, falls without Tapper's notice.

Jake Tapper is Kibo?

Posted by: Anachronda at April 30, 2018 04:10 PM (sGtp+)

120 Oh no Tapper would never directly plagiarize -

"It was like so the bestest of times and it so like the worstest of times."

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:10 PM (S5Di7)

121 Maybe Jake can just tweet out the book line by line.

Posted by: Roy at April 30, 2018 04:10 PM (7n4KQ)

122 117. It's degenerates all the way down.

Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine at April 30, 2018 04:10 PM (fA1SL)

123 115 Jake Tapper sounds like a gay porn actor.

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:10 PM (LiyEm)

124 What is the origin of the term "Mary Sue"?

Posted by: josephistan at April 30, 2018 04:10 PM (7HtZB)

125 I'm sure it sucks. I doubt it's much worse than a ton of books avalable by topselling authors though. There's a big market for barely literate trash consumed by people who think themselves sophisticated because they order coffee at Barnes & Noble.

Posted by: Bear with Assymetrical Balls at April 30, 2018 04:10 PM (gtDDG)

126 Lucky Pierre's nom de plume is Jake Tapper.

Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at April 30, 2018 04:10 PM (pw+jk)

127 >>Can you be cucked by a brony?


You can get Touched by and Angel.

And the Dr Quinn will give you a prostate exam. Though, the weird looking 1/2 indian dude in the corner makes it a bit less sexxy.

Posted by: garrett at April 30, 2018 04:10 PM (tcB+2)

128 I wonder if Tapper is reading this thread right now?

Hi Jake. Fuck you.

Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 04:10 PM (/tuJf)

129 117 Can you be cucked by a brony?

Help us Pr()nhub! Only you can answer this question!!!

which I suspect is "yes" but am afraid to look.

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:11 PM (CPk08)

130 Tap tap tapping on heaven's door...
Well, there's no knockers. So there.
Posted by: Anon a mouse at April 30, 2018 04:08 PM


No knockers in heaven? Now you tell me.

Posted by: zombie Russ Meyer at April 30, 2018 04:11 PM (ctuyM)

131 It was a dark and stormy night. A maid screamed and a pirate ship sailed into the harbor.
Posted by: Snoopy


A fat man farted in the distance. Girl Scout cookies crumbled of their own accord. Then everybody died.

Posted by: zombie at April 30, 2018 04:11 PM (42M22)

132 Or maybe this becomes a unit of measure.

As in, "I found my old sixth grade composition notebook. It's embarrassing reading such things now. The writing is turgid, but not quite Tapper level turgid."

Posted by: BurtTC at April 30, 2018 04:11 PM (Pz4pT)

133 In the scandal-a-day Trump era

LOL they want this narrative so bad they can taste it. They are so desperate for it they are lighting candles in their little closet shrines to Obama.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:11 PM (39g3+)

134 Ace. Really?

Posted by: Les Kinetic at April 30, 2018 04:11 PM (sezM3)

135 Besides making fun of his prose, my made up excerpt made the assumption that he would be like every other Lefty and had Senator McCarthy head up a House Committee.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at April 30, 2018 04:11 PM (n1b3L)

136 Are we sure the Mary Sue isn't the attractive pony-study-er?

Posted by: TexasDan at April 30, 2018 04:11 PM (yL25O)

137 I think it comes from "Mary Sue eats oats"

Posted by: Roy at April 30, 2018 04:11 PM (7n4KQ)

138 >>Can you be cucked by a brony?


Wait...

Is that a SEAL Song?

Posted by: garrett at April 30, 2018 04:11 PM (tcB+2)

139 http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:12 PM (CPk08)

140 It was nine in the morning, on a cold and rainy night........

Posted by: Johnny Tarr at April 30, 2018 04:12 PM (xBSm0)

141 72 Wise Latina Update:

I've heard of hip and knee replacements but shoulder replacement? That must of been a nasty fall.

"The Supreme Court on Monday announced Justice Sonia Sotomayor will undergo shoulder-replacement surgery."

She is not well.

-
She needs a soul implant.
Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM (+y/Ru)

------------------

I think she has osteoporosis, and I wonder if the implant will be able to attach to her porous bones?

Why don't these people retire and enjoy the little life they have left?

-- Looking at you John McCain's tumor.

Posted by: rd at April 30, 2018 04:12 PM (4dz1m)

142 113
Tapper is a furry?

Posted by: Mr Aspirin Factory at April 30, 2018 04:08 PM (89T5c)

Makes sense.

Posted by: muckrack at April 30, 2018 04:12 PM (IvEAj)

143 #1 Best-Seller for 3,456 weeks!

Posted by: NYT at April 30, 2018 04:12 PM (vg8iE)

144 I'm just rolling like a dog who's just found something really stinky and dead in the word:

Ponyologist.

Posted by: filbert at April 30, 2018 04:12 PM (953wK)

145 Not sure you'll want to read more after the first couple of chapters!


Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:08 PM

I borrowed it from the library. No way was I buying that.

Posted by: JuJuBee, just generally being shamey at April 30, 2018 04:12 PM (2NqXo)

146 Fun Fact: When Jake Tapper farts it is 70% aroma, 10% substance, and 20% cum.

Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at April 30, 2018 04:12 PM (pw+jk)

147 "Mary Sue" apparently comes from a terrible piece of Star Trek fan fiction.

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:12 PM (LiyEm)

148 It's degenerates all the way down.
Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine


You rang?

Posted by: rickb223 at April 30, 2018 04:13 PM (BBhgz)

149 The night was moist, with communists.
Posted by: Jake Tapper
=======
This is such fun!

Posted by: Simplemind at April 30, 2018 04:13 PM (AVWL5)

150 Mary Sue?

You can blame Star Trek: The Original Series when Paula Smith wrote parody fan-fiction with such a named character apparently.

I imagine the story going something like this -
"Highly illogical Yeoman Mary Sue, you should be lusting after Captain Kirk. He has the ripped shirt and the lustful expression."

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:13 PM (S5Di7)

151 I would be crushed if the Hispanic affirmative action airhead needs to retire from the court. Crushed. If the ancient totalitarian fangirl and the delusional Bryers also have to leave for some reason, I don't know what I'll do.

Posted by: rhomboid at April 30, 2018 04:13 PM (QDnY+)

152 I sometimes help a middle school teacher in my family grade writing assignments.

Most of them are better than the samples of this, this- I don't even know what to call it.

Maybe he should have set it in an earlier time and written it in period correct cuneiform.

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:13 PM (VpIIl)

153 The thing a lot of people don't realize is that writing is a skill, it takes time and a lot of effort to get any good at it. It takes years of failure and awful crap until you can start writing anything worth reading. And every novel, unless you're a hack like Steven King, you get better.

Nobody can just pick up the keyboard and knock off a great book, even a good book, their first try. Nobody. Even the "out of nowhere overnight sensations" wrote a bunch of stuff in their past.

And writing news stories or blog posts is not the same as writing fiction. Just because you're good at the one does not mean in any fashion that you are going to be capable in the other.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:13 PM (39g3+)

154 to be fair, everything pretty much sucks and when your brain is quickfrozen in liberal CW, there's not going to be anymore plot novelty than in a Lifetime movie.

Posted by: Kuhyt at April 30, 2018 04:13 PM (Kuhyt)

155 You can get Touched by and Angel.
Posted by: garrett at April 30, 2018 04:10 PM


This is not the time to embrace the power of and.

Posted by: Assistant Associate Copy Editor, AoSHQ at April 30, 2018 04:13 PM (ctuyM)

156 Jake, congratulations on getting your book published.

I already have two books published, and Bill is working on the third one.

Posted by: Low Information Ex-President at April 30, 2018 04:13 PM (9vQJW)

157 Did Tapper write this or did he have someone else do it for him?

Posted by: dantesed at April 30, 2018 04:13 PM (88xKn)

158 It was a dark and stormy night. A maid screamed and a pirate ship sailed into the harbor.
Posted by: Snoopy

A fat man farted in the distance. Girl Scout cookies crumbled of their own accord. Then everybody died.
Posted by: zombie at April 30, 2018 04:11 PM (42M22)


Suddenly there was a foreboding knock at the door.

"Get the door" I explained. But I was alone, so alone. I found myself frightened, for the first time in my life. Like a 14 year old fat redheaded french horn playing boy on his first day of high school.

Posted by: BurtTC at April 30, 2018 04:14 PM (Pz4pT)

159 Thank you for the chuckle. So this is the 2018 version of "I Love Lucy" where Lucy writes a novel, it's bad so she trashes it only to discover that someone wants to publish but only as an example of how NOT to write a novel.
Posted by: auscolpyr at April 30, 2018 03:59 PM

"Jaaaaake! You got some mansplainin' to do!"

Posted by: JuJuBee, just generally being shamey at April 30, 2018 04:14 PM (2NqXo)

160 90
>>>73 I'm surprised he didn't write something like :



As Joe McCarthy returned to his self appointed destiny of chairing
the Committee on UnAmerican Activities, the politicals winds were soon
to turn into a hurricane and blow the Senator away.



...



he writes stuff like that all the time.



I'm only two chapters in, but the first two chapters are always the
MOST POLISHED and MOST PROFESSIONAL parts of a book. They're the most
heavily rewritten; people know that a casual customer may just start
reading the first 20 pages before deciding to buy.



And the first two chapters are child-like.





Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:06 PM (8rNrN)


So..... it stinks....like a piece of leiderkranz cheese that crawled into an old boot and died there, of painful circumstance?
Hap tip PG Wodehouse.

Posted by: Mullahs at April 30, 2018 04:14 PM (ymnmz)

161 Damn I knew I should have just waited for Ben.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at April 30, 2018 04:14 PM (n1b3L)

162 "the book is set in the Wikipedia entry for the year 1954."

I'm going to steal that line; that's hilarious. It perfectly captures the sort of fake intellectual sophistication that has become rampant in the age of Google.

Posted by: Ex-liberal at April 30, 2018 04:14 PM (R1mDg)

163 It was like a million words suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly randomly ordered on the pages.

Posted by: Obi Wan Kenobi at April 30, 2018 04:14 PM (Dp6qK)

164 mullah sock off

Posted by: Cuthbert the Witless at April 30, 2018 04:14 PM (ymnmz)

165
What is the origin of the term "Mary Sue"?

Posted by: josephistan


"The term 'Mary Sue' comes from the name of a character created by Paula Smith in 1973 for her parody story 'A Trekkie's Tale' published in her fanzine Menagerie #2. The story starred Lieutenant Mary Sue ('the youngest Lieutenant in the fleet - only fifteen and a half years old'), and satirized unrealistic characters in Star Trek fan fiction."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue

Posted by: Hadrian the Seventh at April 30, 2018 04:14 PM (BWL+E)

166 "Tell me Senator! Tell me about the dossier! Was it girthy?"

"It was thick, Charlie. It was thick and girthy."

"Tell me more Senator! Tell me everything!"

Posted by: joncelli, feeling hirsute at April 30, 2018 04:14 PM (RD7QR)

167 "It was a dark and stormy night - the kind where the wind was strong enough to tickle the hairs on Joe Stalin's mustache. He stood in a doorway, eating a sandwich of pain and olive spread, thinking about that dame who gave him the slip."

Posted by: Cake Zapper at April 30, 2018 04:14 PM (ppaKI)

168 "and, though the transitive property, his scions."

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Jake, Bulwer-Lytton called-- he puked.

Posted by: Sally Kohn at April 30, 2018 04:15 PM (oVJmc)

169 I mean, if Tapper read Coulter's Treason and broke away from the lib CW on HUAC, then that'd be cool and refreshing. But unlike the otherside of the pillow, his writing will be tepid and scratchy with dandruff.

Posted by: Kuhyt at April 30, 2018 04:15 PM (Kuhyt)

170 The thing a lot of people don't realize is that writing is a skill, it
takes time and a lot of effort to get any good at it. It takes years of
failure and awful crap until you can start writing anything worth
reading. And every novel, unless you're a hack like Steven King, you
get better.

==

Unless you are a super genius like me and would never use a ghost writer or anything you homophobic hater.

Posted by: Barak Obama at April 30, 2018 04:15 PM (pw+jk)

171 The 'wise Latina ' really should retire and take it easy, I'm sure President Trump will appoint a nice judge to replace her.

Posted by: Skip at April 30, 2018 04:15 PM (aC6Sd)

172 Buying someones book to pwn them! Sooper genyus!!

Posted by: Denny Davidson at April 30, 2018 04:15 PM (XmNu1)

173 163 It was like a million words suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly randomly ordered on the pages.
Posted by: Obi Wan Kenobi


"Waiter! There's an amateur in my word salad!"

Posted by: William Burroughs at April 30, 2018 04:15 PM (42M22)

174 Put Beer Kagan back in the cooler!

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at April 30, 2018 04:16 PM (+y/Ru)

175 I would be crushed if the Hispanic affirmative action airhead needs to retire from the court. Crushed. If the ancient totalitarian fangirl and the delusional Bryers also have to leave for some reason, I don't know what I'll do."

what would we do without these wise komissars deciding which laws are cool and groovy or which ones are like bummers.

Posted by: Kuhyt at April 30, 2018 04:16 PM (Kuhyt)

176 Ace! For God's sake, read an electronic version with a 3 minute cutoff timer. That shit could put you into a coma.

Posted by: Headless Body of Agnew at April 30, 2018 04:16 PM (e1mEI)

177 If I were going to read something titled-" Hellfire Club" (Sorry; Can't properly underline a book title on here.) I'd rather read a novel about-you know-the actual Hellfire Club in England of a couple of hundred years ago.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at April 30, 2018 04:16 PM (tpDAe)

178 This takedown of Tapper is good but is nowhere near as brutal as Aces takedown of the Village Voice writer who wrote that Cat Sitters book, it might be a decade ago.

Holy shit!!!

Ive been following this blog for a long time.

Posted by: Kreplach at April 30, 2018 04:16 PM (qL+f5)

179 Peggy Sue > Mar Sue

Posted by: Zombie Buddy Holly at April 30, 2018 04:16 PM (tcB+2)

180 I borrowed it from the library. No way was I buying that.
Posted by: JuJuBee, just generally being shamey at April 30, 2018 04:12 PM (2NqXo)

...

You're going to spend more than the price of the book on antibiotics later, though.

Posted by: TexasDan at April 30, 2018 04:17 PM (yL25O)

181 It was like a million words suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly randomly ordered on the pages.

Posted by: Obi Wan Kenobi


"Hey stop dissing my novels!" - Robert Jordan's ghost

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:17 PM (S5Di7)

182 The characters name is really Charlie Marder?

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:17 PM (LiyEm)

183 57 >>"The Supreme Court on Monday announced Justice Sonia Sotomayor will undergo shoulder-replacement surgery."

She's getting a new left wing?
Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 04:03 PM (/tuJf)

***

Heh. That's pretty good.

Although I'm still not sure what your thoughts on syrup on French Toast are.

Mine? It's the tits.

Posted by: Taco Shack at April 30, 2018 04:17 PM (C+qQ0)

184 If I were going to read something titled-" Hellfire Club" (Sorry; Can't properly underline a book title on here.)

The Hellfire Club.

Posted by: Mr. Peebles at April 30, 2018 04:17 PM (oVJmc)

185 >>"Hey stop dissing my novels!" - Robert Jordan's ghost


*Tugs Braid*

Posted by: Nynaeve al'Maera at April 30, 2018 04:17 PM (tcB+2)

186 The X-Men comics version of the Hellfire Club is more entertaining.

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:17 PM (S5Di7)

187 Tapper is a furry?

Posted by: Mr Aspirin Factory

--

Tapper at the ATM:

http://bit.ly/2JDdehs

Posted by: rickb223 at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (BBhgz)

188
"Wise Latina" my fat fanny. I hear she's not very bright and relies on her clerks to do her opinions. Like that other icon, Thurgood Marshall.

Posted by: Hadrian the Seventh at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (BWL+E)

189 182 The characters name is really Charlie Marder?
Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:17 PM (LiyEm)


What's the problem?

Posted by: Carlos danger at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (CPk08)

190 182
The characters name is really Charlie Marder?

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:17 PM (LiyEm)


Biggus Dickus was already taken.

Posted by: Cuthbert the Witless at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (ymnmz)

191 Soon Jake Tapper will be riding around Central Park on his bicycle with no seat. He will grow a long beard and occasionally appear on late night shows.

Posted by: Under Fire at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (r9UYA)

192 The guards at GITMO are making the muzzies flush Tapper's book down the toilet.

Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (pw+jk)

193 I remember every detail.
The Germans Commies wore gray, you wore blue.

Posted by: Tapper, Jake Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (xBSm0)

194 The characters name is really Charlie Marder?


As clever as Lou Cipher.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (QQ+il)

195 Mary Sue's credibility was totally depleted after the wild night with Rake Mapper and the ponies.

Posted by: JuJuBee, just generally being shamey at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (2NqXo)

196 177 Right!I was trying to remember where I heard of that before,Aleister Crowleys club.

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (LiyEm)

197 Yes, I was a cub reporter for the Washington Gazette, the paper of record, in the only town that mattered, except New York and Paris. Ah Paris, with its canals, its cigarettes, and its cathedrals and churches, of which there are 228.

Posted by: Turgid Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (Pz4pT)

198 He is constantly attempting to "authenticate" his novel by adding in "period-specific details," but all of these details are either 1, off the top of your head stuff that everyone already knows or 2, obviously culled from lists you'd find on the internet, like "stage plays and movies of 1954."

Oh, and this is one of the skills. Read Anna Puma's book Golden Isis or 13 Moons by MPPP for an example of how to do it right. The wrong way is to just tack on various details like a billboard with a Kools ad or a TV celebrity wearing wide lapels. You can't paste examples in your book like an afterthought, or slip in details like you're showing off. Every part of a description has to serve the story and feel to the reader like a natural part of the narration.

This takes time and practice and careful thought and even study of masters to get it right.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (39g3+)

199 #pulitzer

Posted by: Jake Clapper at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (vtcmf)

200 >>Although I'm still not sure what your thoughts on syrup on French Toast are.

I am unequivocally in the YES camp.

It's the Dildo that's the heretic.

Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (/tuJf)

201 It was the best of times, it was the wurst of times at the Polish Embassy get together, and Charlie would punch anyone telling a Pollock joke right in the face. You see, he was like that, cool and sexy.

Posted by: Jake Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:19 PM (4e+hS)

202

EM LEMMON ICE-BOX PIE FOADDY-FI!!!

Posted by: Maxine Waters' Hair at April 30, 2018 04:19 PM (pYqXv)

203 Despiration stinking of flop-sweat, AXE Body spray, and pants-shitting fear:

@oliverdarcy 7m

Four officials tell @NBCNews that Kelly has referred to Trump as "an idiot" multiple times https://www.nbcnews.com...

Posted by: weft cut-loop at April 30, 2018 04:19 PM (LNPd9)

204 Just like "Mr. Smith goes to Washington", or somesuch BS.

Posted by: scott_t at April 30, 2018 04:19 PM (xGZ+b)

205 "Hey stop dissing my novels!" - Robert Jordan's ghost
Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:17 PM (S5Di7)

...

Talk about a guy with exactly three descriptions.

I had to stop reading because every time what's her name "folded her arms under her breasts" I started seeing spots. And I was seeing spots a lot.

Posted by: TexasDan at April 30, 2018 04:19 PM (yL25O)

206 As clever as Lou Cipher.
Posted by: Grump928(c) at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM

Thank God my parents gave me a normal name.

Posted by: Clay Modeling at April 30, 2018 04:19 PM (2NqXo)

207 157 Did Tapper write this or did he have someone else do it for him?
Posted by: dantesed at April 30, 2018 04:13 PM (88xKn)

-----------

Now that is a sick burn!

Bravo!

Posted by: rd at April 30, 2018 04:19 PM (4dz1m)

208 Like that other icon, Thurgood Marshall.


In fairness, Marshall was in a coma his last ten years on the court.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at April 30, 2018 04:19 PM (QQ+il)

209 It was a dark and stormy night. The kind of night Joe McCarthy checked twice under his bed for communists.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at April 30, 2018 04:19 PM (+y/Ru)

210 What is this delusion where people start to believe their own bullshit so much, they suddenly decide to write a "book".

Like the world is waiting for it.

That masterpiece which has simply escaped every other real author.

Maybe it's time to stop sniffing your own ass, Jake.

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:19 PM (VpIIl)

211 198
He is constantly attempting to "authenticate" his novel by adding in
"period-specific details," but all of these details are either 1, off
the top of your head stuff that everyone already knows or 2, obviously
culled from lists you'd find on the internet, like "stage plays and
movies of 1954."



Oh, and this is one of the skills. Read Anna Puma's book Golden
Isis or 13 Moons by MPPP for an example of how to do it right. The
wrong way is to just tack on various details like a billboard with a
Kools ad or a TV celebrity wearing wide lapels. You can't paste
examples in your book like an afterthought, or slip in details like
you're showing off. Every part of a description has to serve the story
and feel to the reader like a natural part of the narration.



This takes time and practice and careful thought and even study of masters to get it right.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (39g3+)

198
He is constantly attempting to "authenticate" his novel by adding in
"period-specific details," but all of these details are either 1, off
the top of your head stuff that everyone already knows or 2, obviously
culled from lists you'd find on the internet, like "stage plays and
movies of 1954."



Oh, and this is one of the skills. Read Anna Puma's book Golden
Isis or 13 Moons by MPPP for an example of how to do it right. The
wrong way is to just tack on various details like a billboard with a
Kools ad or a TV celebrity wearing wide lapels. You can't paste
examples in your book like an afterthought, or slip in details like
you're showing off. Every part of a description has to serve the story
and feel to the reader like a natural part of the narration.



This takes time and practice and careful thought and even study of masters to get it right.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:18 PM (39g3+)


Posted by: Amy Schumer at April 30, 2018 04:20 PM (ymnmz)

212 I was sitting quietly beside the armoire like a sloth or a ninja when suddenly the door opened and a man in a pink and purple zebra-striped toupee asked if I had a lugwrench. Startled I suddenly remembered it was past time for Matlock and went to my bedroom to retrieve my wallet. Strange times we live in, strange times indeed.

Posted by: Jake Tapper fiction fapper at April 30, 2018 04:21 PM (9HcF6)

213 "Jake Tapper" is just a nickname he picked up in a men's restroom at a bar by the airport.

Posted by: Yudhishthira's Dice at April 30, 2018 04:21 PM (AzW6q)

214 "Forget it Jake. It's Chinatown."

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:21 PM (VpIIl)

215 Can you get a hernia from laughing?

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:21 PM (LiyEm)

216 i can't wait for your delve-down into the pony studies.
how did he come up with that?

Posted by: concrete girl at April 30, 2018 04:21 PM (zr8oO)

217 *Tugs Braid*
Posted by: Nynaeve al'Maera at April 30, 2018 04:17 PM (tcB+2)

thanks. I had actually managed to forget that one.

And by thanks I mean not thanks.

Posted by: TexasDan at April 30, 2018 04:21 PM (yL25O)

218 Jake Tapper is full of shit.

Posted by: Brian Williams at April 30, 2018 04:21 PM (pw+jk)

219 She road the pony like it had never been ridden before...

Posted by: Grump928(c) at April 30, 2018 04:21 PM (QQ+il)

220


He probably didn't write, but is just banking on his name, Jake Tapper.

That name is so filled with gravitas it's disgusting.


Posted by: Rev Dr E Buzz Raniere at April 30, 2018 04:21 PM (ikxxu)

221 Buying someones book to pwn them! Sooper genyus!!

That's his job, you know. As a blogger. This is literally what he does for a living.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:21 PM (39g3+)

222 rode



dammit

Posted by: Grump928(c) at April 30, 2018 04:21 PM (QQ+il)

223 Who gave the always friendly book- jacket reviews, Ace?

Posted by: Ktgreat at April 30, 2018 04:22 PM (s2uCD)

224 Tapper's Latin maid wrote the book. He was too busy learning how to mount shelves.

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:22 PM (VpIIl)

225 What?

Posted by: Rex Turgidsome at April 30, 2018 04:22 PM (ymnmz)

226 186 The X-Men comics version of the Hellfire Club is more entertaining.
Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:17 PM (S5Di7)

Emma Frost > Mary Sue

Posted by: josephistan at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (7HtZB)

227 Christopher R Taylor, to hear such praise from someone who write so well about a werewolf and Nazis... Arigatou!

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (S5Di7)

228 Just wait until Jim Acosta writes his novel!

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (LiyEm)

229 See Joe run. Run Joe , run.

See Joe accuse. Acusse Joe, acusse.

See Joe drink.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (n1b3L)

230 >>>Soon Jake Tapper will be riding around Central Park on his bicycle with no seat. He will grow a long beard and occasionally appear on late night shows.


Copycat.

Posted by: Dave Letterman at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (ppaKI)

231 210 What is this delusion where people start to believe their own bullshit so much, they suddenly decide to write a "book".

Like the world is waiting for it.

That masterpiece which has simply escaped every other real author.

Maybe it's time to stop sniffing your own ass, Jake.
Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:19 PM (VpIIl)

=====

As burgeoning writer, I can say that my first started at a novel (more than a decade ago) was a steaming pile of shit. Near constant practice (ie novel and story writing) has made it better.

I get the feeling that Jake used his contacts to get the first piece of crap he pushed out published. If he wanted to be respected for his writing, he would have taken time, practiced, and found people who would give him honest feedback. So, not his mom.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison's Phone at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (BFvjo)

232 Did Jake ever address the admission of Clapper as his source?

Posted by: gewa76 at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (iMbvN)

233 rode

dammit
Posted by: Grump928(c) at April 30, 2018 04:21 PM (QQ+il)


Grammar and spelling are a bitch. Ask me how I know.

Posted by: ScoggDog at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (fiGNd)

234 Fun Fact: When Jake Tapper farts it is 70% aroma, 10% substance, and 20% cum.
Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at April 30, 2018 04:12 PM (pw+jk)

I momentarily choked on a Ritz I'd just stuffed into the pie-hole when I read that. Equally momentarily, I got pissed at you for making me do that.

Good job!

Posted by: OneEyedJack at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (z79tQ)

235 Probably already been said but, Stay gold Pony boy.

Posted by: Darth Randall at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (6n332)

236 Late to a great thread as usual.

Dammit.

BTW, what kind of zoologist actually studies ponies??

Posted by: Jane D'oh at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (ptqGC)

237 In the "funnier than Jake "Dan Brown" Tapper department we have Brad "Oswald" Thor threatening to run for President if "no conservative steps up..."

https://tinyurl.com/y72v4x9e

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (SzZnW)

238 She had long legs that went all the way up. She said to me, "Jackson, you are so handsome and skilled at writing. I... I think I love you!"

"Slow down, baby," I thought. I hadn't even made it past her naval, and here she was, not only proposing marriage, but naming our children (Scott and Heather).

Besides, I had a story to write. If I did not write it, who would. For no one other than me had the scoop, the inside story, the straight dope. I was sitting on the story of the century, and I knew the world couldn't wait for me to finish polishing this dame's toenails with my saliva.

Posted by: Turgid Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (Pz4pT)

239 I don't want to give away my future quotes, but here's one.

Remember, "Charlie Marder/Charlie MARTYR" is a Mary Sue for Jake Tapper.

What does Jake Tapper tweet about whenever he's in trouble, to get the right's cucks to praise him?

Veterans, of course.

So this is part of the initial introduction of "Charlie Marder:"

"He was someone who tried to do good; he was currently fighting for his fellow troops from the turret of his congressional office."

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:24 PM (8rNrN)

240 Dear Penthouse Letters,

I never though that I would write a letter to you but last weekend at the beach house there was this Ponyoligist taking post doc courses for her Unicornoligist doctorate and her starfish would wink and a rainbow would come out...and cash.

Posted by: Jake Tap-Tap Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:24 PM (pw+jk)

241 "'Oh Charlie,' she whispered, 'I know I spend too much time with horses and greatly prefer their company to yours, I still have great affection for you, all other things being equal.'

"Charlie's heart pounded at this gushing outflow of affection. 'Does this mean we get to have sex?' he husked.

"'Let's not go wild,' she said, eye a particularly spectacular stud."

Posted by: joncelli, feeling hirsute at April 30, 2018 04:24 PM (RD7QR)

242 She road the pony like it had never been ridden before...
Posted by: Grump928(c) at April 30, 2018 04:21 PM (QQ+il)

She ran calling Wildfire.

Hey great idea.

Posted by: Michael Mrtin Murphy at April 30, 2018 04:24 PM (suO/a)

243 Good old Joe McCarthy. That well never runs dry for the left.

Posted by: TheQuietMan at April 30, 2018 04:24 PM (OLCnA)

244 Mare-Rey Sue...

"Tall and broad-shouldered with piercing blue eyes, Charlie had found it easy to navigate the worlds of academia and literary celebrity."

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:24 PM (8rNrN)

245 238 She had long legs that went all the way up. She said to me, "Jackson, you are so handsome and skilled at writing. I... I think I love you!"

"Slow down, baby," I thought. I hadn't even made it past her naval, and here she was, not only proposing marriage, but naming our children (Scott and Heather).

Besides, I had a story to write. If I did not write it, who would. For no one other than me had the scoop, the inside story, the straight dope. I was sitting on the story of the century, and I knew the world couldn't wait for me to finish polishing this dame's toenails with my saliva.
Posted by: Turgid Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (Pz4pT)

======

Needs a tangent about the birthing process from Wikipedia. Then it's good.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison's Phone at April 30, 2018 04:25 PM (BFvjo)

246 I'm not suggesting you buy or read it. I'm suggesting the opposite. I'll read it so you don't have to.

Thanks, but when did ewoks become givers?

Posted by: LCMS Rulz! at April 30, 2018 04:25 PM (X8DLV)

247 In all fairness ... I have penned quite the porn caption in my day.

Posted by: ScoggDog at April 30, 2018 04:25 PM (fiGNd)

248 The left, the media, and academia (same shit) is an incestuous inbred group of mentally defective sub humans. If brain power was TNT they couldn't blow a ripple in a teaspoon of piss. In the land of the blind the one eye is king, so in their retard club a one eye is god like. The problem is they can't see that the rest of the country has TWO fucking eyes and we see what silly ass clowns they are. Anything they say should be treated several levels below the rantings of a drunken 2 year old. They need to be mocked.

Posted by: Berserker-Dragonheads Division at April 30, 2018 04:25 PM (9Om/r)

249
I get the feeling that Jake used his contacts to
get the first piece of crap he pushed out published. If he wanted to be
respected for his writing, he would have taken time, practiced, and
found people who would give him honest feedback. So, not his mom.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison's Phone at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (BFvjo)

That or an enema.

Posted by: Cuthbert the Witless at April 30, 2018 04:25 PM (ymnmz)

250 236 Posted by: Jane D'oh at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (ptqGC)

equinologist a subset of zoologist, of course she is studying the evolution of the pony so I am certain she will go on monologues about cavemen having to housebreak zebras or something....

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 04:25 PM (SzZnW)

251 He could have at least made it more interesting and developed the wife's character into a pony proctologist who was secretly a bestiality adherent.

I would read that.

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:25 PM (VpIIl)

252 239 "From the turret of his congressional office" LMAO

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:25 PM (LiyEm)

253 eyeing, dammit.

Posted by: joncelli, feeling hirsute at April 30, 2018 04:25 PM (RD7QR)

254
That's our media in a nutshell. They don't give a shit whether what
they report is true, they only care that it advances the narrative.

Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 03:59 PM (/tuJf)


Yeah. It reminds of a kid in HS who was pretty good at basketball. Don't believe. Just ask him sometime. .. he'll tell you.

Posted by: Steve_in_SoCal at April 30, 2018 04:25 PM (bB4HN)

255 All this means is that Ace is now emboldened to write the great American novel...

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at April 30, 2018 04:25 PM (wYseH)

256


He was round and plump like a rotting eggplant about to burst, and Ryan Stattler was one of the best journalists the world had ever seen, with a depth of insight that even Edward R Murrow was jealous of, as he had told me countless times over a bourbon neat. What we didn't know at that time is that Ryan was also working for the CIA in a capacity no one had ever worked before, there was deep cover and there was what Ryan was into. Very hush-hush, for not only was he the greatest journalist of his generation, but he kept hidden his MIT doctorate in nuclear physics, a field not many at that time had mastered. He was working on the bomb, and essentially designed it himself. This was to be the game changer.

Posted by: Rev Dr E Buzz Raniere at April 30, 2018 04:26 PM (ikxxu)

257 BTW, what kind of zoologist actually studies ponies??
Posted by: Jane D'oh at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (ptqGC)


An ecologist, ethologst or a mammologist.

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:26 PM (CPk08)

258 248
The left, the media, and academia (same shit) is an incestuous inbred
group of mentally defective sub humans. If brain power was TNT they
couldn't blow a ripple in a teaspoon of piss.



I'm so taking that.

Posted by: Jake Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:26 PM (ymnmz)

259 Sitting in the pacu with my eleven year old who just had spine surgery. Went well, all is good. But I needed a chuckle.

Posted by: Simplemind at April 30, 2018 04:26 PM (AVWL5)

260 And anyway anyway, if I want to read a spy novel that takes place in the 50's I'd rather something by John Le Carre, just to name one author.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at April 30, 2018 04:26 PM (tpDAe)

261 OMG! Stop it. I'm laughing so hard I'm going to pass out.

Posted by: auscolpyr at April 30, 2018 04:26 PM (suO/a)

262 He was someone who tried to do good; he was currently fighting for his fellow troops from the turret of his congressional office."
Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:24 PM (8rNrN)

His office had turret facsimile?

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at April 30, 2018 04:26 PM (n1b3L)

263 "He was someone who tried to do good; he was currently fighting for his fellow troops from the turret of his congressional office."

------

A Boulton-Paul Defiant is his office?

Posted by: josephistan at April 30, 2018 04:27 PM (7HtZB)

264 256 LOL

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:27 PM (LiyEm)

265 I'm not suggesting you buy or read it. I'm suggesting the opposite. I'll read it so you don't have to.

Thanks, but when did ewoks become givers?
Posted by: LCMS Rulz!



Givers? Wait until you see his bill.

Posted by: rickb223 at April 30, 2018 04:27 PM (BBhgz)

266 With the sickening thud that a cloth sack filled with rabbit entrails makes when colliding with a concrete wall, the sack of rabbit entrails smashed into the wall behind me.

Posted by: Gumby at April 30, 2018 04:27 PM (2LelM)

267 >>>I'll read it so you don't have to.

That's why I come here for news. Reading the MSM became too aggravating. Can't even imagine what watching it is like.

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at April 30, 2018 04:27 PM (/qEW2)

268 4 You know who else wrote books?

Posted by: flounderbot, rebel, vulgarian, deplorabot, winner at April 30, 2018 03:56 PM (Dp6qK)





Rudolf Hess

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at April 30, 2018 04:27 PM (d20MQ)

269 262 He was someone who tried to do good; he was currently fighting for his fellow troops from the turret of his congressional office."
Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:24 PM (8rNrN)

His office had turret facsimile?
Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at April 30, 2018 04:26 PM (n1b3L)

======

Have you ever read Joseph Conrad?

Do you remember how near perfect use of metaphor despite English being his third or fourth language?

Read Conrad instead.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison's Phone at April 30, 2018 04:27 PM (BFvjo)

270 "Yummy!" exclaimed five-year-old Cindy Spallit, biting eagerly into her ice cream bar, pausing only when she realized that it had bones in it.

Posted by: Gumby at April 30, 2018 04:28 PM (2LelM)

271 Tapper is teh gay and his shit is all retarded.

Posted by: USNtakim prfoundly deplorable! at April 30, 2018 04:28 PM (0OmEj)

272 C'mon, afiak there are half-a-dozen novels by the same title. Ooooh, ooooh, we are so deviant and cool. Gah. Why bother.

Posted by: mustbequantum at April 30, 2018 04:28 PM (MIKMs)

273 I just asked my secretary why I don't have an office turret.

Posted by: sniffybigtoe at April 30, 2018 04:28 PM (1ISKN)

274 I hope to God this is actually Tapper's writing, because if he hired a ghostwriter for this he got ripped off...

Posted by: Brother Cavil, Abbot of St. Costello-on-the-Hurlingbone at April 30, 2018 04:28 PM (AM1GF)

275 *rummages on phone for a story note*

"After hijinks and digital red herrings the truth is finally sussed out. Of course it will be at a fancy dinner of non-GMO food with vegan and fusion thrown in. Our writer/amateur sleuth will quip about eating with the horses. His gal-pal's answer is to warn him she might find a younger stud."

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:28 PM (S5Di7)

276 Boy, when you admire yourself more than James Comey, you need some serious couch time.

Question, does Clapper face any consequences for lying to Congress regarding leaks to the press? If he does, can Tapper also be in trouble as he was the conduit to the leak?

Tapper Clapper.

Posted by: Cheri at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (oiNtH)

277 McCarthy and Watergate wells never run dry for the commies. They drool and froth at the mouth when the hear those words.

Posted by: Mr Aspirin Factory at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (89T5c)

278
A Boulton-Paul Defiant is his office?

-
Looking backward.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (+y/Ru)

279 270 "Yummy!" exclaimed five-year-old Cindy Spallit, biting eagerly into her ice cream bar, pausing only when she realized that it had bones in it.

==

now that's disturbing...

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (hMwEB)

280 "Somewhere in this cemetary, the vampyre lies hidden," the grave-looking man with the stake said cryptically.

Posted by: Gumby at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (2LelM)

281 This pile of excrement had to be self published....

Posted by: kraken at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (zSVEm)

282 223 Who gave the always friendly book- jacket reviews, Ace?
Posted by: Ktgreat


Wanna know the dirtiest secret in the book industry:

Book proposal are these day accepted or rejected based almost entirely on whom you can guarantee will give you cover blurbs

For real. I know many authors (including myself). This is the latest publishing trend.

Book proposals now look like this:

"PLOT
Doesn't really matter, does it? Something about Brooklyn, millennials, rape, PTSD, you know the drill.

COVER BLURBS
I have lined up and gotten guaranteed confirmation that I will get blurbs from

Nina Totenberg
Stephen King
Gwyneth Paltrow
Cindy Sheehan"

For that, you'll get a bidding war and a massive advance.

Posted by: zombie at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (42M22)

283 Posted by: TheJamesMadison's Phone at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (BFvjo)

I have published authors and directors in my circle. I would say the process of producing a work that people will read or watch is a tortuous process that requires a mix of talent, constant dedication, introspection and the ability to accept a healthy does of criticism- none of which Tapper possesses.

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (VpIIl)

284 Charlie was good and handsome,he didn't even realize how good and handsome he was.His soldiers worshipped him for his Kraut killing skill and ability to keep them alive and for how good and handsome he was.

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (LiyEm)

285 Charlie, precocious as ever, possesses all the enlightened attitudes of a Brooklyn barista in 2018.


I just can't stop laughing.

Posted by: Ladyl at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (TdMsT)

286 I think she has osteoporosis, and I wonder if the implant will be able to attach to her porous bones?

Why don't these people retire and enjoy the little life they have left?

-- Looking at you John McCain's tumor.
Posted by: rd at April 30, 2018 04:12 PM (4dz1m)
------------

McCain is going out like Kahn in Star Trek.

"To the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart, I stab at thee; for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee."

Did I mention his book is coming out soon.

Posted by: WisRich at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (G0vdT)

287 It was a dark and Stormy night as the Moscow whores finished dribbling on the hotel's chaise-longue.

Posted by: jake fapper at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (VBKy9)

288 71 A quote from the Federalist review:"I'm sure you're more than aware that there are any number of secret societies throughout Washington . . . Skull and Bones, Sons of Liberty, the Patriotic Order, the Elks, the Klan."
The ELKS?
LOL

This is like reading about the Rotary in the Hamas charter.
Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM (CPk0

What no Knights of Columbus? They carry around weapons.

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (dKiJG)

289 Simplemind at April 30, 2018 04:26 PM (AVWL5)

============

Great news. Speedy recovery!

Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at April 30, 2018 04:30 PM (pw+jk)

290 274 Posted by: Brother Cavil, Abbot of St. Costello-on-the-Hurlingbone at April 30, 2018 04:28 PM (AM1GF)

I wonder if Jake will still be mocking Trump's obsession with "quality" after his review?

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 04:30 PM (SzZnW)

291 In a week you could have got it at the dollar store

Posted by: jihadi at April 30, 2018 04:30 PM (blf2l)

292 More Jake MarySue Tapper, this time describing the smells at a (what else) party of the POWERFUL:

"a distinct melange of aromas exclusive to the halls of power -- high-priced perfume and expensive hors d'oeuvres, top shelf--liquor and freshly minted cash."

Top-shelf liquor has a disinctive smell you can smell across the room? And cash?

"It all billowed into a rich toxic cloud that made Charlie Marder's throat constrict."

Tapper likes the adjectives and the color purple.

BTW, the schtick is that Tapper's stand-in has an "uncommonly" sharp sense of smell, which I imagine Tapper thought was a good idea because it would permit him to bring in another of the senses into the book and make it feel "vivid" in descriptions.

The problem is, to pull this off, you have to imagine the world as a super-smeller would, and describe each smell in vivid detail, so that people think, "Oh, that's true, I guess cologne does have a slight under-current of gasoline to it."

But Tapper doesn't do that. He just names smells but doesn't tell you how these smells smell, if you take my meaning.

I assume that this will be important in the plot, with Charlie Martyer realizing the bad guy is the bad guy because he recognizes a smell (as James BOnd did in Diamonds Are Forever, or as Burton Guster does in Psyche).

But because Tapper never actually gets writerly and vivid about what the world is like to someone with acute smell, and isn't imaginative or hard-working enough to paint a picture with specific smells and sense-memories from smells, all the "smell" talk is just checklist bullshit, with "top-drawer liquor" having, apparently, a specific smell (unspecified in nature) you can scent from across the room, and "fresly minted moneY" having its own (again, unspecified) scent.

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:30 PM (8rNrN)

293 His piercing blue eyes spat fire when he talked about the first amendment and how important it is.

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:30 PM (LiyEm)

294 If brain power was TNT they couldn't blow a ripple in a teaspoon of piss.

That is a killer line. For some reason southerners seem gifted in this kind of thing, and each one builds on the best lines they've heard.

1: She looks like she was beat with a ugly stick
2: She looks like she fell down the ugly tree and hit every branch
3: She looks like someone lit her face on fire, then put it out with a shovel made from ugly wood

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:30 PM (39g3+)

295 We welcome accomplished Author and award-winning journalist, Jake Tapper.

*nervous whinnies*

Posted by: Enumclaw Chamber of Commerce at April 30, 2018 04:30 PM (Dp6qK)

296 Unable to enter the room like normal men because of the sheer broadness of his mighty shoulders, Charlie Marder edged in sidewise, turning his godlike profile for a moment to the view of the onlookers. One of the younger women in the coterie gathered by the rotunda next to the ballroom entrance let out a gasp at the sight of Charlie's godlike visage and thrust up her arm as if to block out the sun. So did one of the men, Senator Burlington Ramshod of the Virginia Ramshods, a richly dressed, powerful-looking elderly gentleman who had never before in his long, distinguished life entertained even the notion of a same-sex attraction but now felt himself questioning the possibility.

Ramshod shifted uneasily on his feet as he felt Charlie's steely blue, Nordic eyes mercilessly boring in. To obscure his lack of composure, the Senator gruffly cleared his throat, wiped the dew of sweat from his forehead with his kerchief, and gulped greedily from his brandy snifter made of finest Baccarat crystal, the product of a French manufacturer of fine crystal glassware located in Baccarat, France, and which had received its first royal commission in 1823...

And so on.

Posted by: troyriser at April 30, 2018 04:30 PM (qUD5Q)

297 Sounds like it is in the running for an " It was a Dark and Stormy Night" Award....

Posted by: kraken at April 30, 2018 04:31 PM (zSVEm)

298 283 Posted by: TheJamesMadison's Phone at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM (BFvjo)

I have published authors and directors in my circle. I would say the process of producing a work that people will read or watch is a tortuous process that requires a mix of talent, constant dedication, introspection and the ability to accept a healthy does of criticism- none of which Tapper possesses.
Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (VpIIl)

=====

It was perfect! I don't care what you say!

Like that?

Posted by: TheJamesMadison's Phone at April 30, 2018 04:31 PM (BFvjo)

299 262 He was someone who tried to do good; he was currently fighting for his fellow troops from the turret of his congressional office."
Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:24 PM (8rNrN)

...

So Jake Tapper makes at-at-at sounds whiles he's tweeting DM's.

or topekta topeketa

Posted by: TexasDan at April 30, 2018 04:31 PM (yL25O)

300 I can only hope that when I achieve the Jake Tapper level of smartness, the docs will honor my DNR and pull the f*cking plug.

Posted by: GnuBreed at April 30, 2018 04:31 PM (0ogQG)

301 Just wait until Jim Acosta writes his novel!
Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:23 PM

He'll write a memoir because he's so fascinating.

I Was Mercedes de Acosta's Love Child: That's Why I'm The Way I Am by Jim Acosta

JFK called me Jim-Jim: My Baby Years in the White House by Jim J. "Jim-Jim" Acosta

Posted by: JuJuBee, just generally being shamey at April 30, 2018 04:31 PM (2NqXo)

302 I just noticed that the Federalist article was written by a senior editor . . . of Baen Books.

Oof.

Posted by: filbert at April 30, 2018 04:31 PM (953wK)

303 Went well, all is good. But I needed a chuckle.
Posted by: Simplemind at April 30, 2018 04:26 PM
~~~~~

Wonderful news, Simplemind!

What do you call a dog with no legs?
.....Why bother, he can't come anyway.

Posted by: IrishEi at April 30, 2018 04:31 PM (HiDrR)

304 The left, the media, and academia (same shit) is an incestuous inbred group of mentally defective sub humans.
=====

We must all grow up and acknowledge our betters. It is not what you know but whom you know.

Posted by: mustbequantum at April 30, 2018 04:31 PM (MIKMs)

305 What no Knights of Columbus? They carry around weapons.
Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM

Swords and matchlock muskets mostly

Posted by: Skip at April 30, 2018 04:32 PM (aC6Sd)

306 His sexy blonde wife studied ponies and he liked that. Yeah, he thought, that was good, like apple pie with ice cream good.

Posted by: Jake Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:32 PM (4e+hS)

307 "You'll pay for this, Tanner!"

The lug took a swing at me. That was all it took. I didn't compete in high school wrestling, just because I liked the smell of teenage boy sweat.

I grappled him, like a beaver grapples a log. Like a blind squirrel grapples a found nut. He tried to tap out, but I wasn't through with him just yet.

"You'll tell me where you hid the secret plans to the ENIAC computer! They're going to reveal it to the public on February 1, 1946, and you can't stop it!"

Posted by: Turgid Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:32 PM (Pz4pT)

308 He was someone who tried to do good; he was
currently fighting for his fellow troops from the turret of his
congressional office."

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:24 PM (8rNrN)



His office had turret facsimile?

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at April 30, 2018 04:26 PM (n1b3L)


And a trap door. Hopefully, with a noose above it.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at April 30, 2018 04:32 PM (ptqGC)

309 They'll love it in Pomona.

Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine at April 30, 2018 04:32 PM (fA1SL)

310 For example, if you wanted to sell this absurd idea of freshly minted money literally having a smell you could scent through clothing, you might say something about the smell of linen and the slipperiness of it, and iron-rich ink. (I have no idea if paper money has ink with iron in it; if Tapper wanted to investigate that, I'd imagine he'd just check Wikipedia.)

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:32 PM (8rNrN)

311 The Knights of Columbus, the Illuminati, and Mary Magdalene will be in the sequel novel. Along with pages impregnated with the scent of Durian.

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:32 PM (S5Di7)

312 A quote from the Federalist review:"I'm sure you're more than aware that there are any number of secret societies throughout Washington . . . Skull and Bones, Sons of Liberty, the Patriotic Order, the Elks, the Klan."
The ELKS?
LOL

This is like reading about the Rotary in the Hamas charter.
Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM (CPk0

What no Knights of Columbus? They carry around weapons.
Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (dKiJG)

...Shriners, funny hats and all

Posted by: runner at April 30, 2018 04:33 PM (bUjCl)

313 259 Sitting in the pacu with my eleven year old who just had spine surgery. Went well, all is good. But I needed a chuckle.
Posted by: Simplemind at April 30, 2018 04:26 PM (AVWL5)

Your family has my prayers for a full recovery.

Posted by: rd at April 30, 2018 04:33 PM (4dz1m)

314 OOOOO! The McCarthy era!

You mean that time period when East Germans were being held prisoner in their own country and families got summarily executed for trying to climb over the wall...

...and our country was sending out rejection notices to screenplay writers?

You mean THAT era?

Posted by: RKae at April 30, 2018 04:33 PM (IYUKP)

315 Does Charlie Marder publicize a ridiculous fake dossier funded by the Democratic Party but repackaged as an official US goverment intelligence product, that was leaked to him illegally by a dimwitted criminal NSC director, a dossier that claims Eisenhower hired prostitutes to pee on a hotel bed?

Write what you know, Jake...

Posted by: Semi-Literate Thug at April 30, 2018 04:33 PM (J4JVx)

316 Jake Tapper's book is unreadable!

Posted by: James Joyce at April 30, 2018 04:33 PM (T71PA)

317 "It was perfect! I don't care what you say!



Like that?

Posted by: TheJamesMadison's Phone at April 30, 2018 04:31 PM (BFvjo)"'I don't know why they aren't returning any of my calls or emails. It's a mystery. I thought for sure this was the one..."

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (VpIIl)

318
Is there a more worn out, bald tire, squealing brake pad cliche than McCarthy?

Yeah, I'm getting the car inspected for my registration right now.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (d20MQ)

319 and McCarthy is perpetually pounding a finger on his list of 205 communists in the State Department.

There were only 205 communists in the State Department in 1954? Bet someone in HR got an ass chewing for not meeting the quota.

Posted by: Clay, unimpressed with your wokeness at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (7R2h5)

320 I have published authors and directors in my circle. I would say the process of producing a work that people will read or watch is a tortuous process that requires a mix of talent, constant dedication, introspection and the ability to accept a healthy does of criticism- none of which Tapper possesses.
Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM

Writing is easy. You just sit down at the desk and open up a vein.

(Attributed to many authors. I thought it was S.J. Perelman but apparently not.)

Posted by: JuJuBee, just generally being shamey at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (2NqXo)

321 " Charlie, after finishing his shift at the Chcolate Factory, headed for the Exclusive Members Only Club, for a night of intense bondage. His piercing blue eyes glinted in anticipation...."

Posted by: kraken at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (zSVEm)

322 Top-drawer liquor generally smells like alcohol.

I mean, that's the only scent all top drawer liquors share.

At least, all that I've had. And I think I can say I have some expertise.

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (CPk08)

323 I've heard of coffee table books but perhaps Jake is writing a genre that is best suited to another indispensable household fixture that just happens to rhyme with his last name.

A little "Tapper on the Crapper" if you will

Posted by: Han Yolo at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (k5hWy)

324 A Colombia University professor? Geez, a more likely place to find a complete cabal of commie cocksuckers I cannot imagine.

Karl Marx U looks upon Colombia U with envy.

Posted by: GnuBreed at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (0ogQG)

325 Great story, a new titan is minted. Not only a news breaking maniac a writer of unparalleled talent and a voice of the future.

Also I cracked porcelain while Jukin was reading this book.

Posted by: Explosive Diarrhrea at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (pw+jk)

326 314 Forcing them to write under ASSUMED names...they still got paid of course...

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (LiyEm)

327 If newly minted money smells like freshly mimeographed paper I'm all in. I sniffed my way through grammar school on that stuff.

Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (/tuJf)

328


Sleepy-eyed dope Jake Tapper has written a book. You know who else wrote a book? Charlie Manson. Another collection of trash. Bad!

- DJT

Posted by: Rev Dr E Buzz Raniere at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (ikxxu)

329 "Hellfire Club"

Emma Frost called. She wants her thigh high leather boots back. Washed please.

Posted by: Jean Grey at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (FsjzV)

330 For that, you'll get a bidding war and a massive advance.

Somehow this wouldn't surprise me.

With the current state of book sales, probably a popular person's blurb will sell a book more than anything else.

We're past the era where ads sell anything and not even the system of trying to associate a product with a mood or culture really works any more because people are so cynical and jaded.

But what does work is associating your product with someone that people like or want to support. Podcast ads for example, effective because people like the person doing the podcast and want to help them out, so are more likely to buy the product.

That's how I see it at least.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (39g3+)

331 314 OOOOO! The McCarthy era!

You mean that time period when East Germans were being held prisoner in their own country and families got summarily executed for trying to climb over the wall...

...and our country was sending out rejection notices to screenplay writers?

You mean THAT era?

Posted by: RKae at April 30, 2018 04:33 PM (IYUKP)

=======

I'm sure Trumbo wishes he'd been oppressed on the East side of that wall.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison's Phone at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (BFvjo)

332 She opened the box with trepidation. The note inside read, "You know what will happen if you don't pay!" She put her hand into the sea of packing peanuts and felt something cold and hard. She pulled it out of the box and screamed.

It was National Velvet's left front horseshoe.



Posted by: Jakie Claptrap at April 30, 2018 04:35 PM (8iiMU)

333 314 Posted by: RKae at April 30, 2018 04:33 PM (IYUKP)

The wall, look I like the Russians we fought the Nazis together and what they created is so awesome they needed to build a wall to keep us out....

//Charlie "Wikia" Tapper

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 04:35 PM (SzZnW)

334 311 The Knights of Columbus, the Illuminati, and Mary Magdalene will be in the sequel novel. Along with pages impregnated with the scent of Durian.
Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:32 PM (S5Di7)


Top drawer, Thai durian.

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:35 PM (CPk08)

335
A quote from the Federalist review:"I'm sure you're more than aware that there are any number of secret societies throughout Washington . . . Skull and Bones, Sons of Liberty, the Patriotic Order, the Elks, the Klan."
The ELKS?
LOL

This is like reading about the Rotary in the Hamas charter.
Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM (CPk0

What no Knights of Columbus? They carry around weapons.
Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at April 30, 2018 04:29 PM (dKiJG)

...Shriners, funny hats and all
Posted by: runner at April 30, 2018 04:33 PM (bUjCl)I

Don't forget the Moose. An enraged Moose is dangerous.

Posted by: rd at April 30, 2018 04:35 PM (4dz1m)

336 This is stuff the middle school teachers in my family would give a "D".

The comments here provide better reading.

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:35 PM (VpIIl)

337 But because Tapper never actually gets writerly and
vivid about what the world is like to someone with acute smell, and
isn't imaginative or hard-working enough to paint a picture with
specific smells and sense-memories from smells, all the "smell" talk is
just checklist bullshit, with "top-drawer liquor" having, apparently, a
specific smell (unspecified in nature) you can scent from across the
room, and "fresly minted moneY" having its own (again, unspecified)
scent.





Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:30 PM (8rNrN)

It's minted Ace. MIN TED. Jeebus you don't get my genius do you.

Posted by: Jake Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:35 PM (ymnmz)

338 OT: more England is doomed.

UK home secretary resigns, and they appointed a Paki to replace her. He will be in charge of their immigration policy. Supposedly there was some scandal about her handling of deportations. I don't believe any of it. They wanted to appoint another agent of destruction into a high office and they got him.

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at April 30, 2018 04:36 PM (/qEW2)

339
"I hate it when that happens!" Famed genetic researcher Doctor Ivan Von Bloom said as he sneezed into the pipette that he filling with a sample of his latest batch of genetically altered botulism bacteria, spattering bacilli on his trousers and starting the plague that was to kill off three-fourths of the population of London.

Posted by: Gumby at April 30, 2018 04:36 PM (2LelM)

340 ...Shriners, funny hats and all
Posted by: runner at April 30, 2018 04:33 PM (bUjCl)

There's something funny about those guys and the small cars

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at April 30, 2018 04:36 PM (dKiJG)

341 I am the God of the Hellfire Club, and I bring you--

Posted by: Charlie Marder at April 30, 2018 04:37 PM (oVJmc)

342 Nobody has mentioned that Mary Sue is a Pony Girl???

Posted by: kraken at April 30, 2018 04:37 PM (zSVEm)

343 "Hellfire Club"

Emma Frost called. She wants her thigh high leather boots back. Washed please.

Posted by: Jean Grey


Emma Peel called. She proclaimed loudly that she wore it better...

Posted by: Brother Cavil, Abbot of St. Costello-on-the-Hurlingbone at April 30, 2018 04:37 PM (AM1GF)

344 342 Posted by: kraken at April 30, 2018 04:37 PM (zSVEm)

I would, but REALLY?

//Catherine the Great

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 04:37 PM (SzZnW)

345 starting the plague that was to kill off three-fourths of the population of London.



and leaving the survivors with an insatiable lust for fish and chips.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at April 30, 2018 04:38 PM (QQ+il)

346 >>Nobody has mentioned that Mary Sue is a Pony Girl???

Stay gold Pony Girl.

Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 04:38 PM (/tuJf)

347 Jake Tapper's love scene between gerbils and men brought me to tears and validated our forbidden love. Also made me go get a bakers dozen of gerbils at my "pet" store.

Posted by: Richard Gere at April 30, 2018 04:38 PM (pw+jk)

348 342 Nobody has mentioned that Mary Sue is a Pony Girl???
Posted by: kraken at April 30, 2018 04:37 PM (zSVEm)


Holy crap, I missed that. Looks like Jake has a few kinks, there.

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:38 PM (CPk08)

349 Kraken, way up yonder I speculated that she might be a Pony Grrl

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:38 PM (S5Di7)

350 The shape of a snifter is specific to concentrating the vapors of whiskey or what have you so that you can catch the notes.

No one can smell what anyone else is drinking.

what a stupid line.

Plus, every room in that period was so full of tobacco smoke I doubt anyone could pick up much past that.

Posted by: TexasDan at April 30, 2018 04:38 PM (yL25O)

351 Sleepy-eyed dope Jake Tapper has written a book. You know who else wrote a book? Charlie Manson. Another collection of trash. Bad!

- DJT

Posted by: Rev Dr E Buzz Raniere at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (ikxxu)
--------

LOL

Posted by: WisRich at April 30, 2018 04:38 PM (G0vdT)

352 Hey, OregonMuse, I'm going to have a recommendation for the book thread this weekend. I know you support us authors and you'll give me a ringing endorsement. Thanks in advance. And guys, please leave reviews at Amazon. We authors really appreciate that.

Posted by: Jake Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:38 PM (/qEW2)

353 When Shut In launched the Italicans. Post #75

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:39 PM (S5Di7)

354 346
>>Nobody has mentioned that Mary Sue is a Pony Girl???



Stay gold Pony Girl.

Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 04:38 PM (/tuJf)

Stay Pony Golden Girl

Posted by: Bea Arthur at April 30, 2018 04:39 PM (ymnmz)

355 Maxine Waters Wants Trump Impeached For Being The "Most Outrageous Human Being To Represent Our Country"

So even Mad Max has given up on Russia Russia Russia?

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at April 30, 2018 04:39 PM (+y/Ru)

356 Stay Girl Pony Gold

Posted by: Grump928(c) at April 30, 2018 04:39 PM (QQ+il)

357 "It smells in here already." "Where next?" cooed the Muscovite soiled doves of love-for-hire together.

"I'm not paying you to smell," billionaire Tump barked. "The bed. Now."

Posted by: jake fapper at April 30, 2018 04:39 PM (VBKy9)

358 353 When Shut In launched the Italicans. Post #75
Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:39 PM (S5Di7)


Could use that as a book title.

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:39 PM (CPk08)

359 "He manned the ramparts of his conscience, like John De Warrene at The Battle of Dunbar."

See. Writing a book is easy. Even I can do it.


Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:39 PM (VpIIl)

360 The hobo in rags fled across the desert, and the Ewok followed.

Posted by: ScoggDog King at April 30, 2018 04:39 PM (fiGNd)

361 A quote from the Federalist review:"I'm sure you're more than aware that there are any number of secret societies throughout Washington . . . Skull and Bones, Sons of Liberty, the Patriotic Order, the Elks, the Klan."
The ELKS?
LOL

----

And the Little Orphan Annie Fan Club!

Be sure to drink your Ovaltine!

Posted by: RKae at April 30, 2018 04:39 PM (IYUKP)

362

Posted by: flounderbot, rebel, vulgarian, deplorabot, winner at April 30, 2018 03:56 PM (Dp6qK) 





Rudolf Hess

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at April 30, 2018 04:27 PM (d20MQ)








Not to mention, Ted Sorensen

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at April 30, 2018 04:40 PM (d20MQ)

363 A quote from the Federalist review:"I'm sure you're more than aware that there are any number of secret societies throughout Washington . . . Skull and Bones, Sons of Liberty, the Patriotic Order, the Elks, the Klan."
The ELKS?
LOL

This is like reading about the Rotary in the Hamas charter.
Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:04 PM

The Lord elks those who elk themselves.

Posted by: JuJuBee, just generally being shamey at April 30, 2018 04:40 PM (2NqXo)

364 "He just names smells but doesn't tell you how these smells smell, if you take my meaning."

Whether this is a good or bad thing, well, it depends.

Posted by: Huma at April 30, 2018 04:40 PM (ctuyM)

365 Don't forget the Moose. An enraged Moose is dangerous.



Posted by: rd at April 30, 2018 04:35 PM (4dz1m)
=====
I wouldn't cross a drunk Moose on a weekend. Those guys... well... it was like the Korean war in winter...

Posted by: Richard Gere at April 30, 2018 04:40 PM (pw+jk)

366 so, pony girl like "wears the hoof gloves and tail insert" or My Little Pony rainbow colored girl?

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:40 PM (39g3+)

367 What about all the commies that actually were infesting our government?

Posted by: Chris M at April 30, 2018 04:40 PM (eAZVt)

368 Jesus! Now imagine what James Comey's book must be like.

Just guessing, "Wikipedia: The Bible"?

Posted by: Fritz at April 30, 2018 04:40 PM (J7XgW)

369 >>> Top-drawer liquor generally smells like alcohol.

I mean, that's the only scent all top drawer liquors share.

At least, all that I've had. And I think I can say I have some expertise.

...


That's what i would imagine. Bear in mind, this is from a distance, not with him sticking his schnozz above a shotglass of expensive scotch.

And this is all the smells of ALL "Top-shelf liquors" lingering in the air at a big party.

He adds no interesting, seizing detail like "the smell of top-shelf whisky, a sting of fermented honey and pickled oak," or whatever.

Did you know cigarette tobacco was slathered in sugar water? Well, it's true. So he could mention something about cigarette smoke smelling like burnt sugar.

whatever. SOMETHING, JAKE! SOMETHING!!!

You just can't NAME SOME SMELLS!

If you're writing about a character with acute senses you actually have to bring the reader into that sensory world and show him what that world seems like to the super-senser.

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (8rNrN)

370 "I don't even know who you are anymore, Jackson!"

I turned away. I couldn't let her see me this way. Sure, everything knows me as the best looking, most skilled writer in Washington, but I had to do this. For her own good.

"You never knew me, baby," I lied. "Scram, see? Go on! Get out!! Can't you see I don't love you? I never loved you!"

The truth is, I did love her. More than a fat kid loves Cheetoes. But I had to see that the ENIAC got to the Aberdeen Proving Grounds by July 29, 1947. Everything depended on that. And it all depended on me. And my story. The story of the century.

Posted by: Turgid Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (Pz4pT)

371 OK, I can't breath.

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (VpIIl)

372 >>Whether this is a good or bad thing, well, it depends.

Pretty sure we can all guess what Hillary's depends smell like.

Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (/tuJf)

373 England should just turn their government over to the Muzzies and be done with it.

Posted by: Skip at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (aC6Sd)

374 Charlie Marder....

Hey Anna, Jake Tapper named his Marty Stu after a german tank destroyer...


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marder_I

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (SzZnW)

375 " Charlies piercing blue eyes glinted as he entered the DD hotel room, and noticed the rubber sheets already on the bed. Where are Natalya and Olga, he mused... I paid for the Whole evening... "

Posted by: kraken at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (zSVEm)

376 Christopher R. Taylor, San Francisco mashed them together.

So Zombie has at least one picture of Rainbow Dash, the blue pony, pulling a guy in a carriage.

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (S5Di7)

377 So I'm kinda late getting around to catching up on my blog reading today, but here I am anyway.

Who knew that the golden age of all golden ages (not showers) would end up being the 1950's?

The one time in American history when commies and lefties were widely recognized for being the enemies of the rest of us that they are and always will be.

Posted by: Boots at April 30, 2018 04:42 PM (EBwPV)

378 I never would have guessed that Grandma would have brought a severed head back from the 7-11, which was reasonable, because she never did.

Posted by: Gumby at April 30, 2018 04:42 PM (2LelM)

379 A quote from the Federalist review:"I'm sure you're more than aware that
there are any number of secret societies throughout Washington . . .
Skull and Bones, Sons of Liberty, the Patriotic Order, the Elks, the
Klan."
The ELKS?
LOL
======

But those Knights of Columbus will getcha with those feathers on their hats.

Posted by: mustbequantum at April 30, 2018 04:42 PM (MIKMs)

380 I've got a smell. Been the same since 1948 when the russians made me.

Posted by: Explosive Diarrhrea at April 30, 2018 04:42 PM (pw+jk)

381 Did Groucho write a blurb for Jake's book?

Posted by: JuJuBee, just generally being shamey at April 30, 2018 04:42 PM (2NqXo)

382 No one can smell what anyone else is drinking.
Posted by: TexasDan at April 30, 2018 04:38 PM


Well, not before it's filtered through their kidneys.

Posted by: Russian hookers at April 30, 2018 04:42 PM (ctuyM)

383 The Marder was a Bundsewher FlakPanzer, wasn't it?

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:42 PM (S5Di7)

384
"Oh, Charlie" she said roguishly, "People aren't like horses."

"No?" Charlie strongly breathed lustily.

"No" she said firmly "For one thing, horses don't eat hamburgers."

"That's true." Charlie manfully implied.

"Yes, Charlie. I need a vacation. Even if it's a little one, sometimes, from horses.

"Shall we go to Burger Chef for dinner?" she said brightly.

"We shall." Charlie said decisively. "Anything you want. Even the Big Chef, which is Burger Chef's most popular hamburger."

What Charlie couldn't know is that soon the changing winds and tides of the Washington DC palate would change and Burger Chef would be no more, except in areas of the backward and racist South.

Yes, the mighty burger giant, Burger Chef, would fade away the way Joe McCarthy's influence would fade away like a puppy-shaped ice cube resting upon Ann Margaret's bottom as she tans on the beach...

Posted by: naturalfake at April 30, 2018 04:42 PM (9q7Dl)

385 Pretty sure we can all guess what Hillary's depends smell like.
Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (/tuJf)

...

They're top shelf depends, loaded with what was previously top shelf liquor. It's an experience foreign to you peasants.

Posted by: Hillary at April 30, 2018 04:43 PM (yL25O)

386 Charles went to buy shoes, the kind that smell good, but it was hard finding size 15's in Washington. He entered the store, sat down, and was promptly attended by a husky fella reeking of gin and page 6 of the New York Times. "Big feet you got there mister!" And when he and Charlie made eye contact they both knew what that meant : Big Meat. And, indeed, Charlie had big meat.

Posted by: Jake Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:43 PM (4e+hS)

387 OT: more England is doomed.

-
Zuul: Choose the form of your destrction!

England: Uh, Islam?

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at April 30, 2018 04:43 PM (+y/Ru)

388 Has McCain kicked the bucket yet? I want to know when to put this bottle of Dom Perignon on ice.

Posted by: Under Fire at April 30, 2018 04:43 PM (r9UYA)

389 369 Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (8rNrN)

That's a common failing when they describe Daredevil, Sabertooth, and Wolverine all of whom have hypersensitive olfactory glands.

"They smell money"

Well no, they smell papered linen, ink, and skin oils....

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 04:43 PM (SzZnW)

390 "Well hello, Mary Sue" didn't have quite the same ring to it...

/Ricky Nelson

Posted by: Anon a mouse at April 30, 2018 04:43 PM (7LY+6)

391 365 Don't forget the Moose. An enraged Moose is dangerous.



Posted by: rd at April 30, 2018 04:35 PM (4dz1m)
=====
I wouldn't cross a drunk Moose on a weekend. Those guys... well... it was like the Korean war in winter...


A Møøse once bit my sister. ... Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretti nasti

Posted by: the majestic møøse at April 30, 2018 04:43 PM (9HcF6)

392 OK, I can't breath.


Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (VpIIl)

======
I know brother.

Posted by: Eric Garland at April 30, 2018 04:43 PM (pw+jk)

393



Granderson Hooper came from one of the best familes of the east coast, with a dashing father and a beautiful mother. What people didn't know was that he had a secret...a secret that would change the world forever.


Posted by: Rev Dr E Buzz Raniere at April 30, 2018 04:44 PM (ikxxu)

394 From the Federalist review:

"At this point, the plot veers from iffy to preposterous."

OK, Horde, GO!

Posted by: filbert at April 30, 2018 04:44 PM (953wK)

395 365 Don't forget the Moose. An enraged Moose is dangerous.



Posted by: rd at April 30, 2018 04:35 PM (4dz1m)
=====
I wouldn't cross a drunk Moose on a weekend. Those guys... well... it was like the Korean war in winter...


A Moose once bit my sister. ... Mynd you, moose bites Kan be pretti nasti

Posted by: the majestic moose at April 30, 2018 04:44 PM (9HcF6)

396

Fake writing.

He'll make millions from this crap too.

We now know the NYTimes Bestseller list if fake, so now what? Like FB, Twitter, YouTube, we need alternatives? Or, force them to be honest?

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at April 30, 2018 04:44 PM (fceHP)

397 If you're writing about a character with acute senses you actually have to bring the reader into that sensory world and show him what that world seems like to the super-senser.

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (8rNrN)


Even if it was "It smelled like damp paper, smoke and alcohol". Which I bet 99% of people (myself included) couldn't sit down and puzzle out if you gave them those odors combined.

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:44 PM (CPk08)

398 "whatever. SOMETHING, JAKE! SOMETHING!!!


You just can't NAME SOME SMELLS!
"

"It wafted through the air like pungent flatulence, stinking a bit like asparagus and chipped beef, with an underlying acrid malodor of game-day nachos."

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:44 PM (VpIIl)

399 The fake excerpts from Tapper's book are great!

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at April 30, 2018 04:44 PM (tpDAe)

400 San Francisco mashed them together.

It was a matter of time


"I'm sure you're more than aware that
there are any number of secret societies throughout Washington . . .
Skull and Bones, Sons of Liberty, the Patriotic Order, the Elks, the
Klan."
The ELKS?


Don't even get me started on the Benevolent Order of Oddfellows!

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:44 PM (39g3+)

401 My dog has no nose. He smells awful!

Posted by: jake fapper at April 30, 2018 04:44 PM (VBKy9)

402 >>f you're writing about a character with acute senses you actually have to bring the reader into that sensory world


'Upwind a Polynesian girl queefed spicing the evening air with a hint of Parsimon and Tilapia.'

Posted by: garrett at April 30, 2018 04:45 PM (OfVWt)

403 Jake TrapperClapperKeeper's name will eventually be revealed on the list of "journalists" who were paid by Fusion GPS to push the fake Roooshian Colloooshion story.

Bank on it.

Posted by: Sharkman at April 30, 2018 04:45 PM (dDMQ9)

404 Yeah, but how did Charlie Marder's big meat smell? Like two pounds of lacerated mackeral?

Posted by: Aspiring Novelist, taking notes at April 30, 2018 04:45 PM (gtDDG)

405 Charlie's hard, muscular body was on fire as he gazed at his pose in the long mirror. How I make thee so hot he said at his reflection that smelled like a mélange of Axe, Cruex, and Nyquil.

Posted by: Cheri at April 30, 2018 04:45 PM (oiNtH)

406 Charlie's piercing blue eyes could spot a Kraut ambush a mile away but his sharp nose could smell them 2 miles away.

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:45 PM (LiyEm)

407
"#1 New York Tymes bestseller!!"

Posted by: Hadrian the Seventh at April 30, 2018 04:45 PM (BWL+E)

408 My name is Mary Sue, HOW DO YOU DO?!?!?!?!!!!

Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at April 30, 2018 04:45 PM (pw+jk)

409



385 Pretty sure we can all guess what Hillary's depends smell like.
Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (/tuJf)

1. boiled cabbage
2. burnt tire
3. bottom of a bag of cool ranch Doritos
4. taco flavored Doritos
5. wet dog
6. Shaqulle Oneals athletic supporter
7. urine
8. low tide
9. yeast
10. rotting bell pepper



Posted by: Rev Dr E Buzz Raniere at April 30, 2018 04:45 PM (ikxxu)

410 His wife is a Ponyologist?


Just.

Posted by: Monk at April 30, 2018 04:46 PM (qNS03)

411 383 Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:42 PM (S5Di7)

It's gone through several iterations....

The Marder I was a Wehrmacht 7.5cm Pak 40 mounted on a lorraine chassis....

Tapper named his WW2 ETO war hero after a Nazi TD.

"Charlie Panther" would have been the same.

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 04:46 PM (SzZnW)

412 A Durian by any other name would still smell sweeter than Hillary's Depends.

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:46 PM (S5Di7)

413 It was the best of Val-U-Rite, it was the worst of Val-U-Rite, it was a bottle of Ewok dreams, it was a bottle of Hobo Rape, it was a quart of Megyn Kelly's teutonic quim, it was a quart of Marco Rubio's picked-over trash, it was a fifth of the Victory Rack, it was a fifth of Raptor Scat, it was a #TwoWeeks of a Pixy Upgrade, it was an eternity of an Ace Movie Review, we had AtC before us, we had BSG before us, we were all going to Heaven, or we were all going direct to The Barrel.

Posted by: ScoggDog Dickens at April 30, 2018 04:46 PM (fiGNd)

414
'Upwind a Polynesian girl queefed spicing the evening air with a hint of Parsimon and Tilapia.'
Posted by: garrett at April 30, 2018 04:45 PM (OfVWt)


OK, I just lost it. LOL

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:46 PM (CPk08)

415 "Jake Tapper is Kibo? "

The Man Who Grepped Usenet...

Posted by: Rob Crawford at April 30, 2018 04:46 PM (cApiC)

416 Sharkman - I think you are right. These egotistical fops don't think that they will ever be revealed but they will.

Posted by: Cheri at April 30, 2018 04:46 PM (oiNtH)

417 That's a common failing when they describe Daredevil, Sabertooth, and Wolverine all of whom have hypersensitive olfactory glands.

"You don't want to know what we smell most of the time bub.
Lucky my stomach regenerates quickly."
--Wolverine

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (39g3+)

418 Ponyologist?

So Mormon.

Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (pw+jk)

419 And guys, please leave reviews at Amazon. We authors really appreciate that.

Posted by: Jake Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:38 PM (/qEW2)


*PERKS UP*

Posted by: Jane D'oh at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (ptqGC)

420 I don't have time to read all that. I have to burn dinner.

Posted by: grammie winger - Springing at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (lwiT4)

421 "It wafted through the air like pungent flatulence, stinking a bit like asparagus and chipped beef, with an underlying acrid malodor of game-day nachos."
Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:44 PM (VpIIl)

Stop it. That was too descriptive.

Posted by: DR.WTF? at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (T71PA)

422 Hey!

Posted by: Burger Chef at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (RuIsu)

423 Sven, so the wife's nickname would have been PanzerSchreck?

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (S5Di7)

424 Thread idea.Everybody writes a line of Jake Tapper prose until we have a novel.

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (LiyEm)

425 398: *wipes tear away*
That was beautiful!

Posted by: Mr Aspirin Factory at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (89T5c)

426 The turning point of the novel is when Pope Pius XII (MUST CREDIT WIKIPEDIA) issues a secret encyclical supporting the full and unhindered right to abortion for every woman, pregnant or not.

Posted by: filbert at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (953wK)

427 "Charlie wreaked of a scent much akin to Aqua Velva. It was that familiar foulness of grandpas mothballed suits combined with a stink of day old farts and breath that smelled like it was borrowed from a corpse."

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:48 PM (VpIIl)

428 417 Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (39g3+)

I know he's here, I can smell gamma impregnated stool, angst, lazy writing, and some guy named Mark Ruffalo....

//Logan hunting the Hulk

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 04:48 PM (SzZnW)

429 Marder was a makeshift anti tank weapon

Posted by: Skip at April 30, 2018 04:48 PM (aC6Sd)

430 410
His wife is a Ponyologist?





Just.

Posted by: Monk at April 30, 2018 04:46 PM (qNS03)

I thought Utah outlawed ponyology back in the 1800s.

Posted by: Deplorable Ian Galt at April 30, 2018 04:49 PM (8iiMU)

431 So you're saying Tapper's protagonist could grow up living a hand to mouth existence before climbing into an interstellar starship for the first time and not only flying it but outmaneuvering pilots who are trained to do nothing else except fly ships in combat?

Posted by: Moron Robbie - I choose to live my life as a black woman at April 30, 2018 04:49 PM (VgKNm)

432 423 Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (S5Di7)

Her maiden name is Katyusha I'll wager...

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 04:49 PM (SzZnW)

433 Ace could pull the best fake Tapper quotes in the comments and do a whole new post.
But ace was a writer not a reader, so probably no.

Posted by: Jake Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:49 PM (4e+hS)

434 A real Ponyologist would know I like ham!

Posted by: Ponyo at April 30, 2018 04:49 PM (NWiLs)

435
Sideways off topic

Watched Black Butterfly starring Antonio Banderas recently. Banderas's character is a writer. A movie about a writer (some cliche's) and the writers process.

Doesn't get fantastic reviews, but I was not able to guess the ending. And he did a decent job in the part.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at April 30, 2018 04:49 PM (fceHP)

436 426 The turning point of the novel is when Pope Pius XII (MUST CREDIT WIKIPEDIA) issues a secret encyclical supporting the full and unhindered right to abortion for every woman, pregnant or not.
Posted by: filbert at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (953wK)


And the Knights of Columbus assassinate him and hide the encyclical.

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at April 30, 2018 04:49 PM (CPk08)

437 If you're writing about a character with acute senses you actually have to bring the reader into that sensory world and show him what that world seems like to the super-senser.

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:41 PM (8rNrN)

I can smell his book from here, and I have never even seen it.

The thing stinks to high heaven, and that's saying something, since I spent the weekend clearing the recently melted back yard of what the two dogs did to it all winter.

Let's just say that springtime fresh is a myth. At least up here.

And his prose stinks worse than that.

Posted by: tcn in AK at April 30, 2018 04:49 PM (7UW64)

438 Kathleen "The Force is Female" Kennedy"

The Force is also a white woman. Who's a bit, er...

chunky.

There, I said it.

Posted by: Anon a mouse at April 30, 2018 04:49 PM (7LY+6)

439 If there is one thing morons can do, it is making a word/ nasal picture of describing body functions and their odors.

Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at April 30, 2018 04:49 PM (pw+jk)

440 So this is more confirmation that publishing houses are nothing but money laundering fronts?

Posted by: Monk at April 30, 2018 04:50 PM (qNS03)

441 Hetalia insult - "Your mother was a Katyusha and your father a Nebelwerfer"

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:50 PM (S5Di7)

442 Honestly, he should have just come her for descriptive analogies. At least he could have turned out a great piece of comedy.

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:50 PM (VpIIl)

443 Thread idea.Everybody writes a line of Jake Tapper prose until we have a novel.

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:47 PM (LiyEm)

-
Ace, please please please let us have a thread for this.

Posted by: Moron Robbie - I choose to live my life as a black woman at April 30, 2018 04:50 PM (VgKNm)

444 Let's just say if she had been interested in actual horses, I would have been out of luck.

The pony costume does have really rough seams inside, but the mask hides my crying.

Posted by: Charlie Marder at April 30, 2018 04:50 PM (yL25O)

445 someone has to write a novel about pizzagate

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at April 30, 2018 04:50 PM (hMwEB)

446 #1 New York Tymes bestseller!!"

-
Speaking of the NYT, a headline from today:

Happy Birthday, Karl Marx. You Were Right!

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at April 30, 2018 04:50 PM (+y/Ru)

447 Bad writers throw historical tidbits in like a crappy product placement in a movie. I remember watching a TV show once and they literally stopped in the middle of a tense scene with a car chase to praise the hero's new car and its great features. It was the worst example I've ever seen. The Glades I think it was.

That's how its like when someone insists on telling you which ads are on the side of the Omnibus as it drives past 221b Baker Street in your Sherlock Holmes story, down to the art.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:50 PM (39g3+)

448 429 Posted by: Skip at April 30, 2018 04:48 PM (aC6Sd)

Yup, then it was a '70s IFV sort of a mix of the XM-800 and a BMP-1....

The Bradley went for the ATGM.

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 04:51 PM (SzZnW)

449 "Ponyo! Your name is Brunhilde!" Ponyo's outraged father.

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:51 PM (S5Di7)

450 It was a dark and stormy night, and I was fresh out of Ambien.

Posted by: tcn in AK at April 30, 2018 04:51 PM (7UW64)

451 ..his tanned athletic penis made it's presence known..

Posted by: Grump928(c) at April 30, 2018 04:51 PM (QQ+il)

452 My mother would have been proud. If she was alive. But she died. Died of a broken heart. A broken heart that took 30 years to finally stop. After the death of my father (who also happened to be her husband), at Belleau Wood, on June 6, 1917. He was a Marine, a member of the 1st Battalion, 5th Marines. Their attack on Hill 142, with fixed bayonets, was a gallant effort, but alas, they were no match for the German machine guns, which mowed them down, including my father.

Posted by: Turgid Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:51 PM (Pz4pT)

453 J. Sapper wasn't a shamus for nothing. he knew when to ask questions and when to keep his yap shut. When something smelled rotten, he fingered the roscoe in his jacket pocket and followed his nose.
He knew the streets and he knew them well, as well as the curves of the dame that once planted a kiss on his gob. It was a kiss that sank like a depth charge right down to the heels of his wore gumshoes and then rose right back up again.
This was the same dame who gave him the heave-ho when she'd had enough of him and disappeared into the city night with its oily sullen fog...the dame whose footsteps clicked in his ears when the pavement got wet and the night eddied in the streetlights glow overhead. The streetlights that always watched but never gave up their secrets.

Posted by: Diogenes at April 30, 2018 04:51 PM (0tfLf)

454 Bad writing like bad lying throws way too many details.

Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at April 30, 2018 04:51 PM (pw+jk)

455 >>>386 Charles went to buy shoes, the kind that smell good, but it was hard finding size 15's in Washington. He entered the store, sat down, and was promptly attended by a husky fella reeking of gin and page 6 of the New York Times. "Big feet you got there mister!" And when he and Charlie made eye contact they both knew what that meant : Big Meat. And, indeed, Charlie had big meat.

lol

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:52 PM (8rNrN)

456 Did Sid Blumenthal write this one, too, Jake?

Posted by: The Gipper Lives at April 30, 2018 04:52 PM (Ndje9)

457 Thank you for reading this "book" for us, Ace. Hopefully on the toilet while taking an obama.

All I can say is that ole Jake looks quite ill in recent photos. Very pale. Sweaty. Yuge bags under eyes, which seem shifty and freaked out.

Now, I am sure his dealings with Comey have nothing to do with this illness...

Posted by: ChristyBlinky, Infidel Queen and destroyer of Sneaky Leaking Weasels at April 30, 2018 04:52 PM (J5mzk)

458 Hellfire club is usually in the title of a romance novel.

Posted by: Seems Legit at April 30, 2018 04:52 PM (U+nHb)

459 someone has to write a novel about pizzagate

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at April 30, 2018 04:50 PM (hMwEB)

-

That's a conspiracy theory because news agencies were told it was a conspiracy theory by the people that should've been investigated by news agencies but instead were voted for by the same news agencies.

Posted by: Moron Robbie - I choose to live my life as a black woman at April 30, 2018 04:52 PM (VgKNm)

460 I should get a gig at Marvel. "The Adventures of Elkman and PonyGirl". Our mixed race kid would have antlers and a mane.

Posted by: Jake Tapper at April 30, 2018 04:52 PM (/qEW2)

461 Speaking of the NYT, a headline from today:

Happy Birthday, Karl Marx. You Were Right!
Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at April 30, 2018 04:50 PM (+y/Ru)

Well, he was probably a little right of the kookie leftists we have today.....

But, no.

Posted by: tcn in AK at April 30, 2018 04:52 PM (7UW64)

462 Damn funny post, funnier comments..love this place.

Posted by: IC at April 30, 2018 04:53 PM (a0IVu)

463 >>>J. Sapper wasn't a shamus for nothing. he knew when to ask questions and when to keep his yap shut. When something smelled rotten, he fingered the roscoe in his jacket pocket and followed his nose.
He knew the streets and he knew them well, as well as the curves of the dame that once planted a kiss on his gob. It was a kiss that sank like a depth charge right down to the heels of his wore gumshoes and then rose right back up again.
This was the same dame who gave him the heave-ho when she'd had enough of him and disappeared into the city night with its oily sullen fog...the dame whose footsteps clicked in his ears when the pavement got wet and the night eddied in the streetlights glow overhead. The streetlights that always watched but never gave up their secrets.


minus the silly stuff and excessive period slang, a lot of this is actually damn good!

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:53 PM (8rNrN)

464 I'm pretty certain that if Ace put up a post with a plot idea, this group could write a better novel in the comments.

Posted by: Marcus T at April 30, 2018 04:53 PM (VpIIl)

465 So you're saying Tapper's protagonist could grow up living a hand to mouth existence before climbing into an interstellar starship for the first time and not only flying it but outmaneuvering pilots who are trained to do nothing else except fly ships in combat?

Hey, he played a lot of video games!!!

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:53 PM (39g3+)

466 Your mother was a Katyusha and your father a Nebelwerfer

-
And I've got a rocket in my pocket that's about to lift off!

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at April 30, 2018 04:53 PM (+y/Ru)

467 So is the hero named Blake Trapper?

Posted by: Moron Robbie - I choose to live my life as a black woman at April 30, 2018 04:53 PM (VgKNm)

468 That's a common failing when they describe Daredevil, Sabertooth, and Wolverine all of whom have hypersensitive olfactory glands.

"They smell money"

Well no, they smell papered linen, ink, and skin oils....

Posted by: sven10077


And cocaine. Can't leave out the cocaine.

Posted by: Brother Cavil, Abbot of St. Costello-on-the-Hurlingbone at April 30, 2018 04:53 PM (AM1GF)

469 I just had a coughing fit from laughing.

Thanks.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at April 30, 2018 04:53 PM (ptqGC)

470 And when he and Charlie made eye contact they both knew what that meant "

Big feet.

Must be a clown.

Posted by: Anon a mouse at April 30, 2018 04:54 PM (7LY+6)

471 "Greetings Starfighter! Only you can stop Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada."

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:54 PM (S5Di7)

472 458 Posted by: Seems Legit at April 30, 2018 04:52 PM (U+nHb)

Yup, the real Hellfire Club was a cool place where the English low level to mod level aristos went to work off frustrations.....

Order of the Friars of St. Francis of Wycombe

//Debauching Middle Class Women on larks since 1718

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 04:54 PM (SzZnW)

473 "Top-drawer liquor'???

Good cigars are top drawer.
Good liquors are top shelf.

Top. Men.

Posted by: OneEyedJack at April 30, 2018 04:54 PM (z79tQ)

474 Are we going to start selling OH JAKE TAPPER NO t-shirts?

Posted by: Colorado Alex in Exile at April 30, 2018 04:54 PM (WEabF)

475 So you're saying Tapper's protagonist could grow up living a hand to mouth existence before climbing into an interstellar starship for the first time and not only flying it but outmaneuvering pilots who are trained to do nothing else except fly ships in combat? 

Hey, he played a lot of video games!!!

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:53 PM (39g3+)






So, The Last Starfighter?

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at April 30, 2018 04:54 PM (d20MQ)

476 Eh...it's no Rothko.

Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at April 30, 2018 04:54 PM (EyPfd)

477

There were only 205 communists in the State Department in 1954? Bet someone in HR got an ass chewing for not meeting the quota.
Posted by: Clay, unimpressed with your wokeness at April 30, 2018 04:34 PM (7R2h5)

I am reliably informed there are exactly 57 non-communist in the State Department!

Posted by: Sen. Iselin at April 30, 2018 04:54 PM (e1mEI)

478 The scent of grammie winger's dinner slapped my face like an unpaid whore of, sniff, sniff, Uzbek extraction. It smelled of old Cubs' caps and desperation.

Posted by: jake fapper at April 30, 2018 04:55 PM (VBKy9)

479 So you're saying Tapper's protagonist could grow up living a hand to
mouth existence before climbing into an interstellar starship for the
first time and not only flying it but outmaneuvering pilots who are
trained to do nothing else except fly ships in combat?

========

No not at all. We are saying the Tap-Tap's protologist could. ANy guy that can honcho a prostate exam of the very important elites can do just about anything.

Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at April 30, 2018 04:55 PM (pw+jk)

480 His piercing blue eyes spat fire as he growled"You'll never win McCarthy!The American people will never go along with your witch hunt!"

Posted by: steevy at April 30, 2018 04:55 PM (LiyEm)

481 >>>the city night with its oily sullen fog...the dame whose footsteps clicked in his ears when the pavement got wet and the night eddied in the streetlights glow overhead. The streetlights that always watched but never gave up their secrets.


that's good man, especially for a first draft. a clean-up would make that into a good paragraph.

streelights also buzz and hum (assuming electric). So if they both watch and buzz to each other....

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:55 PM (8rNrN)

482 Have any of you been to Amazon to review this garbage?

Posted by: Jane D'oh at April 30, 2018 04:55 PM (ptqGC)

483 John Ringo I think is safe from Jake Tapper stealing any of his market share.

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:55 PM (S5Di7)

484 Also sell "OH, JAKE TAPPER KNOW" t-shirts.

Posted by: Moron Robbie - I choose to live my life as a black woman at April 30, 2018 04:55 PM (VgKNm)

485 minus the silly stuff and excessive period slang, a lot of this is actually damn good!

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:53 PM


Thanxs. The best part is, it is only about 50% plagiarized.

Posted by: Diogenes at April 30, 2018 04:56 PM (0tfLf)

486 Doesn't Nobel have a prize for literature?

After Obama's Peace Prize, I'm not going to rule Tapper out of that one.

Posted by: Jwest at April 30, 2018 04:56 PM (/roJx)

487 474 Are we going to start selling OH JAKE TAPPER NO t-shirts?
Posted by: Colorado Alex in Exile at April 30, 2018 04:54 PM (WEabF)

More like NOT ONLY NO, BUT HELL NO.

Posted by: tcn in AK at April 30, 2018 04:56 PM (7UW64)

488 Has anybody here look at CNN to see if they are promoting this dreck?

Posted by: dantesed at April 30, 2018 04:56 PM (88xKn)

489 Jake Tapper's cells have the highest concentration of midi-chlorians I have seen in a life-form. It was possible he was concieved by the midi-chlorians.

Posted by: Qui Gon at April 30, 2018 04:56 PM (oVJmc)

490 James Clapper actually leaked this book to Jake Tapper.

( I think a commenter made a similar comment upthread.)

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:56 PM (8rNrN)

491 So, The Last Starfighter?

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at April 30, 2018 04:54 PM (d20MQ)

Or the obnoxious kid in the that horrible Star Wars movie?
little Anakin shithead.



Posted by: Deplorable Ian Galt at April 30, 2018 04:56 PM (8iiMU)

492 minus the silly stuff and excessive period slang, a lot of this is actually damn good!

I was thinking the same thing, its a bit over the top in jargon but solid hard boiled noir feel.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:56 PM (39g3+)

493
It was a stormy night.

Dark, too.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy likes lobster at April 30, 2018 04:57 PM (GdWl+)

494 What's Blake Trapper's midochlorian count?

Posted by: Moron Robbie - I choose to live my life as a black woman at April 30, 2018 04:57 PM (VgKNm)

495 Jake Tapper is Kibo?
Posted by: Anachronda at April 30, 2018 04:10 PM (sGtp+)


I remember that guy. He had a bunch of stories and usenet threads on his site. He was hilarious. That was some of the funniest stuff I've ever read. Too bad he abandoned it.

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at April 30, 2018 04:57 PM (/qEW2)

496 I get Acosta confused with Tapper. Hard to tell them apart, really.

Posted by: flounderbot, rebel, vulgarian, deplorabot, winner at April 30, 2018 04:58 PM (Dp6qK)

497 It was a stormy night.

Dark, too.




and the bottom rocky.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at April 30, 2018 04:58 PM (QQ+il)

498 "That's a wise saying, Take," I said to my Japanese houseboy and martial-arts expert, Take Japper.

Posted by: jake fapper at April 30, 2018 04:58 PM (VBKy9)

499

Hellfire Club, aka The Metropolitan Club, The Century Club, and the University Club ...

posh

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at April 30, 2018 04:58 PM (fceHP)

500 *takes a swipe at writing the swill*

In the intimate privacy of their bedroom that softly glittered from the reflected chandelier light Charlie and his Pony Grrl quickly prepared themselves for another night under the duvet playing their favorite game of Frisky Dingo.

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 04:58 PM (S5Di7)

501 "It being 1954 and all," said Charlie to Margaret, "I figured we'd go stay the weekend in that brand new hotel in L.A. They're calling it the "Hyatt House." Isn't that a funny name for a hotel?"

"They let ponies stay in the rooms?' said Margaret, eying little Dobbin lustily once more.

"I didn't ask," said Charlie, a bit grumpily.

Posted by: filbert at April 30, 2018 04:59 PM (953wK)

502 Actually if you put this whole thread in a book like it was written by 1 person it will still be better than Jake's rambling

Posted by: Skip at April 30, 2018 04:59 PM (aC6Sd)

503 Here's my review of Hellfire Club --

I touched myself 147 times in the first chapter alone.

Posted by: Jennifer Rubin at April 30, 2018 04:59 PM (0ogQG)

504 OH JAKE TAPPER NO t-shirts?

-
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Jake Tapper knows.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at April 30, 2018 04:59 PM (+y/Ru)

505 Have any of you been to Amazon to review this garbage?
Posted by: Jane D'oh at April 30, 2018 04:55 PM (ptqGC)

Heh. A good use of time as opposed to watching "The Five".

Posted by: golfman at April 30, 2018 04:59 PM (If3tB)

506 Hey, he played a lot of video games!!!
Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 04:53 PM (39g3+)


I thought last starfighter too, but I think he's doing Luke Skywalker.

Posted by: Charlie Marder at April 30, 2018 04:59 PM (yL25O)

507

Those times could've been better.

But they could've been worse, too.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy likes lobster at April 30, 2018 04:59 PM (GdWl+)

508 Jake Tapper snatched that pebble from my hand the very first time! Truly he *IS* the Chosen One!

Posted by: Master Kan at April 30, 2018 04:59 PM (oVJmc)

509 503 Posted by: Jennifer Rubin at April 30, 2018 04:59 PM (0ogQG)

So it's a lot like the phone book then Jen?

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 05:00 PM (SzZnW)

510 One day Jake went missing. SO a few of us on the farm wen looking inside the Ponyologist's pink, warm, and moist cave. One of us had a flashlight but lost on a lower pelvic quiver. Later we found Jake and said we could make it out if we could find the flashlight. Jake told me if we found his car keys we could drive out.

Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at April 30, 2018 05:00 PM (pw+jk)

511 >>I touched myself 147 times in the first chapter alone.

That's a mental image I could have gone my whole life without seeing.

Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 05:00 PM (/tuJf)

512 >>>Thanxs. The best part is, it is only about 50% plagiarized.


Mickey Spillaine?

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 05:00 PM (8rNrN)

513 So are we talking bad, or Eye of Argon bad?

Posted by: Anon a mouse at April 30, 2018 05:00 PM (7LY+6)

514 Hellfire is an anagram for Firehell.

True story.

Posted by: TexasDan at April 30, 2018 05:01 PM (yL25O)

515 Jake! Do you think you're fucking Mickey Spillane?

Posted by: GSgt. Hartman, USMC at April 30, 2018 05:01 PM (gbWkA)

516 Jake Tapper saved six schoolkids from drowning on his way to work this morning-- one in each hand, and four on his dick.

Posted by: Master Kan at April 30, 2018 05:01 PM (oVJmc)

517 It's time for the horde to visit Amazon and give this piece of crap a good beating in the review section. People commenting there seem to love this book.

Posted by: Bosk at April 30, 2018 05:01 PM (fjMEv)

518 So the husband has super smellz powers and his wife is a Ponyologist. I'm I wrong to assume that this would not last the first date? And also for some reason when I pictuted the Ponyologist, Dana Perino immediately popped into my head.

Posted by: Monk at April 30, 2018 05:01 PM (qNS03)

519 Have any of you been to Amazon to review this garbage?
Posted by: Jane D'oh at April 30, 2018 04:55 PM (ptqGC)

"See all 8 reviews."

Come on Horde.

Posted by: golfman at April 30, 2018 05:01 PM (If3tB)

520 511 Posted by: JackStraw at April 30, 2018 05:00 PM (/tuJf)

Jen takes "first love yourself" to the limit.

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 05:01 PM (SzZnW)

521 Lets add some musical accompaniment
https://youtu.be/hEcjgJSqSRU

Or maybe this
https://youtu.be/wv-34w8kGPM

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 05:01 PM (S5Di7)

522 Jen takes "first love yourself" to the limit.

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 05:01 PM (SzZnW)


And I don't need Jake Tapper to know what THAT smells like. ...

Posted by: ScoggDog at April 30, 2018 05:02 PM (fiGNd)

523 522 Jen takes "first love yourself" to the limit.

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 05:01 PM (SzZnW)

And I don't need Jake Tapper to know what THAT smells like. ...

Posted by: ScoggDog at April 30, 2018 05:02 PM (fiGNd)

Second-hand smug?

Posted by: flounderbot, rebel, vulgarian, deplorabot, winner at April 30, 2018 05:03 PM (Dp6qK)

524 I get Acosta confused with Tapper. Hard to tell them apart, really.

Every so often on Twitter, Tapper will commit real journalism. Acosta woudn't know how to report a story if it was written for him by Edward R Murrow.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 05:03 PM (39g3+)

525 522 Posted by: ScoggDog at April 30, 2018 05:02 PM (fiGNd)

Meow Mix, Hillary Clinton, sweat, and offal?

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 05:03 PM (SzZnW)

526 How can Amazon have 'verified purchases' if the book isn't out yet?

Posted by: Mr. Peebles at April 30, 2018 05:03 PM (oVJmc)

527 Mickey Spillaine?

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 05:00 PM


That genre. It is a spin off of a cartoon.

Posted by: Diogenes at April 30, 2018 05:04 PM (0tfLf)

528 Oh. Amazon says...

This product has limitations on reviews. It may be because we detected unusual review behavior on this product...

Posted by: golfman at April 30, 2018 05:04 PM (If3tB)

529 Juan Williams says Michelle Wolf is "hilarious."

Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at April 30, 2018 05:04 PM (IqV8l)

530 515
Jake! Do you think you're fucking Mickey Spillane?


Posted by: GSgt. Hartman, USMC at April 30, 2018 05:01 PM (gbWkA)

Necrophiliac!

Posted by: Phrasing cop at April 30, 2018 05:04 PM (8iiMU)

531 Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:30 PM (8rNrN)

His friends affectionately refer to him as Bloodhound. Not only for his keen sense of smell but also for his knack of sniffing out evil that lurks in these damp halls of power.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at April 30, 2018 05:04 PM (5AX1G)

532 Here's some book blurbs for ya, Jake:

"Jake's the best member of my Comey's Ponies." James Comey

"Hated it!" Blaine Edwards & Antoine Merriweather

"I love this book. I love Jake. I love everything and everyone, including spinach pancakes." Kanye West

"He's a bigger pussy than I am, with worse gray hair." Anderson Cooper

"Do I get paid for this?" Rachel Maddow

"I wish he'd leave my basement. I want to grow marijuana down there." Mrs. Acosta, Jim's mom

Posted by: JuJuBee, just generally being shamey at April 30, 2018 05:04 PM (2NqXo)

533 >>I don't need Jake Tapper to know what THAT smells like. ..



100 people surveyed, top 5 answers on the board...

Posted by: garrett at April 30, 2018 05:04 PM (OfVWt)

534 Charlie reached out to shake the Californian's hand but couldn't stop from wrinkling his nose as the second hand smog wafted off the tanned surfer dude.

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 05:04 PM (S5Di7)

535

She looked deeply into his blue eye. "I don't know where I'm going to go or what I'm going to do."

He looked back at her and said, "I don't care."

Posted by: BackwardsBoy likes lobster at April 30, 2018 05:04 PM (GdWl+)

536 Michelle Wolf|

--her beauty is only matched by her funny

Posted by: Kuhyt at April 30, 2018 05:04 PM (Kuhyt)

537 524 Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 05:03 PM (39g3+)

Here's the deal, Tapper knows where the bodies Comey, Clapper, and his contacts WANT KNOWN eventually are buried....

Jake "Honest Abe" Tapper sits on more real stories than most J listers will find in a decade.

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 05:05 PM (SzZnW)

538 Juan Williams says Michelle Wolf is "hilarious."

Juan Williams thinks farts in the bathtub are "hilarious."

Posted by: Mr. Peebles at April 30, 2018 05:05 PM (oVJmc)

539 evil that lurks in these damp halls of power."

So not quite to the shadow level, then?

Posted by: Anon a mouse at April 30, 2018 05:05 PM (7LY+6)

540 Ever since fluoridation began in 1951, McCarthy had substituted vodka for water, and supplemented it with goiter pills - there was no way the powerful Senator would allow the Soviets to get hold of his precious bodily fluids.

Not one to be cowed by a low-minded, ill-mannered and paranoid Republican thug, Charlie made a show of drinking the harmless tap water, lustily quaffing from the Waterford crystal tumbler. Tailgunner Joe grimaced as Marder wiped the last drops of fluoridated liquid from the lips of his noble, chiselled visage.

Charlie had just put the target of a newly-developed radar bomb sight on himself... but he didn't care. He hadn't come to Washington to maintain the postwar status quo. He'd come there to honestly and fairly do the job of an a governor-appointed Representative, without a hint of bias, and he didn't give a damn who he made angry doing it.

And he had just sent a Direct Message to the chief brute on the Hill. Who was, of course, a Republican.

Posted by: Yudhishthira's Dice at April 30, 2018 05:05 PM (AzW6q)

541 I was just looking through some of the Amazon reviews, and one of them has some quotes from the book. Apparently Tapper has a veteran character named Strongfellow who is clearly modeled after a guy named Douglas Stringfellow.

Stringfellow was a Republican member of the House of Representatives for one term. He got in by spinning some yarns about his daring do with the OSS, snatching nuclear physicist Otto Hahn from the Germans.

He also claimed to have been captured by the Germans and tortured so badly he became a parapalegic.

Well, apparently he did serve in the war, and was injured by a mine, but could walk with the aid of a cane and never worked with the OSS. When his opponents exposed him, he was never elected again.

Posted by: bonhomme at April 30, 2018 05:06 PM (iv0p7)

542 Suggest stylebook be changed to "Unindicted Co-Conspirator Jake Tapper."

Posted by: Mr. Peebles at April 30, 2018 05:06 PM (oVJmc)

543 "See all 8 reviews."

Come on Horde.


Remember: a one-line obvious "I hate this person" review will not only be likely deleted, but is obviously just an enemy of the author and is more likely to get someone to BUY the book than reject it.

Make it look like you read the book but just thought it was amateurish and silly. For extra impact, complain about typos and poor editing.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 05:06 PM (39g3+)

544 Have any of you been to Amazon to review this garbage? Posted by: Jane D'oh at April 30, 2018 04:55 PM (ptqGC)

If it's anything like Comey's book they won't let you review it if you give it less than a 4 star review and are a verified purchaser of the book.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at April 30, 2018 05:06 PM (tpDAe)

545 Ace read this tome? Thanks for taking one for the team....if I'm late with this, or repeated, humble apologies.

Posted by: Some rat in the swamp at April 30, 2018 05:06 PM (F8cRI)

546 524 I get Acosta confused with Tapper. Hard to tell them apart, really.

Every so often on Twitter, Tapper will commit real journalism. Acosta woudn't know how to report a story if it was written for him by Edward R Murrow.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 05:03 PM (39g3+)

Without twitter or cable news, they both sound like self-absorbed turds, to me.

Posted by: flounderbot, rebel, vulgarian, deplorabot, winner at April 30, 2018 05:06 PM (Dp6qK)

547 Jen takes "first love yourself" to the limit.

Posted by: sven10077 at April 30, 2018 05:01 PM (SzZnW)

And I don't need Jake Tapper to know what THAT smells like. ...

Posted by: ScoggDog


Like a tuna cannery in El Paso in August.

Posted by: rickb223 at April 30, 2018 05:06 PM (BBhgz)

548 Ponyologist, huh? This is not weird at all, Jake!

Ace, for sho, tell us if "Charlie" with his beady blue eyes (aka how Jake sees himself with broad shoulders) whips out his wee Charlie for his pony wife and they make mad love in the Lincoln Memorial.

If it was the last book on earth I would not read.

Posted by: ChristyBlinky, Infidel Queen and destroyer of Sneaky Leaking Weasels at April 30, 2018 05:06 PM (J5mzk)

549 Ace: Now, I downloaded the sample, and was enthralled by the sheer wretchedness of it...

The only conceivable improvement on that sentence would be to change enthralled to...

Enchanted

Posted by: Ray Van Dune at April 30, 2018 05:07 PM (MjkWd)

550 I think I found Jake Tapper's totem spirit. From Pokemon of course.

https://youtu.be/H3x3-22Gi3g

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 05:07 PM (S5Di7)

551 Charlie and his wife liked to play under the sheets rodeo. She would call, "Ride, cowboy, ride!" and he would respond, "Yippie ki yay!"

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at April 30, 2018 05:07 PM (+y/Ru)

552 The news of Alan Turing's death hit Charlie like a bag of dicks.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at April 30, 2018 05:07 PM (5AX1G)

553 Well, apparently he did serve in the war, and was injured by a mine, but could walk with the aid of a cane and never worked with the OSS. When his opponents exposed him, he was never elected again.

So, Sid Blumenthal, but a Republican.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 05:07 PM (39g3+)

554

She paused at the door and looked back at him sitting there. "If you want me, just whistle." as she started digging around in her purse.

"Here, use this spare rape whistle of mine. Just put it in your mouth and blow it."

Posted by: BackwardsBoy likes lobster at April 30, 2018 05:07 PM (GdWl+)

555 Does Juan Williams know Wolf compared Serena Williams to a man in a deleted tweet?

Posted by: Dr Spank at April 30, 2018 05:07 PM (4e+hS)

556 As they handed me my Pulitzer Prize, I looked at it and thought "with this and a dime I could buy me a cup of joe."

But I didn't. I simply said "thanks."

My editor was looking at me with a newfound envy, "nice going, Jackson," he barked. "I still expect you at your desk, on Monday, 9AM sharp!"

"I'll think about it," I explained. In the mean time I had a long legged redhead to contemplate, and I didn't want his fat stogie getting in the way. I wanted to find out more about this Trantra thing she was telling about, with its kundalini, and activating her chakra, as taught by pioneering American yogi, scholar, occultist, philosopher, mystic, and businessman, Pierre Bernard.

Posted by: Turgid Tapper at April 30, 2018 05:08 PM (Pz4pT)

557 WTF?

To contribute to Customer features (for example, Customer Reviews, Customer Answers, Idea Lists) or to follow other contributors, you must have spent at least $50 on Amazon.com using a valid credit or debit card in the past 12 months. Promotional discounts don't qualify towards the $50 minimum. In addition, to contribute to Spark you must also have a paid Prime subscription (free Prime trials do not qualify). You do not need to meet this requirement to read content posted by other contributors or post Customer Questions, or create or modify Profile pages, Shopping Lists, Wish Lists or Registries.

#FTIP

Posted by: golfman at April 30, 2018 05:08 PM (If3tB)

558 "I've made some mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I want to be good!"

What, too funny?

Posted by: Anon a mouse at April 30, 2018 05:08 PM (7LY+6)

559 I was injured by a mime.

Posted by: Stringbean at April 30, 2018 05:09 PM (IqV8l)

560 Does Juan Williams know Wolf compared Serena Williams to a man in a deleted tweet?
Posted by: Dr Spank at April 30, 2018 05:07 PM (4e+hS)

He looked the other way. The left is good at looking past the facts.

Posted by: golfman at April 30, 2018 05:09 PM (If3tB)

561 Make it look like you read the book but just thought it was amateurish and silly. For extra impact, complain about typos and poor editing.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 05:06 PM (39g3+)

-

Ha. Fill it full of fake horde quotes as excerpts.

Posted by: Moron Robbie - I choose to live my life as a black woman at April 30, 2018 05:09 PM (VgKNm)

562 His wife studied ponies.

They got along well since he was such a horse's ass.

Posted by: Mr. Peebles at April 30, 2018 05:09 PM (oVJmc)

563 It's time for the horde to visit Amazon and give this piece of crap a good beating in the review section. People commenting there seem to love this book.
Posted by: Bosk at April 30, 2018 05:01 PM (fjMEv)


Goodreads too.

3.68/5 there

But I love the 1-star comments. Very few words.

pony zoologist heh.

Derivative
Sophomoric
Turgid


Posted by: artisanal 'ette at April 30, 2018 05:09 PM (fceHP)

564 Yippie ki yay"

But did he have a machine gun?

Posted by: Anon a mouse at April 30, 2018 05:09 PM (7LY+6)

565 I once actually threw a book in the garbage, not something I had ever done before or since. It was an act of mercy, for the world at large.

The entire world was saved from accidentally picking it up and reading even the opening passage.

C. Wright Mills, 'Listen Yankee', about the glorious future of Cuba under communism.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at April 30, 2018 05:10 PM (58eZn)

566 One of the reviews that is up on Amazon says " Also not credible to have Congressmen killing multiple Congressmen. "

Oops. Spoiler.

Posted by: Mr. Peebles at April 30, 2018 05:10 PM (oVJmc)

567 A Horde sourced Mickey Spillane type novel. That would be a hoot.

Posted by: rickb223 at April 30, 2018 05:11 PM (BBhgz)

568 Charlie lifted his head suddenly and seemed to sniff the air carefully.

"Trouble, Charlie?" asked Margaret, standing on the steps of the Lincoln Monument.

Charlie turned to the west northwest and sniffed again. "The salmon are starting to run up in Alaska," he said at last. "Later and later every year. Damn this global warming!"

Posted by: filbert at April 30, 2018 05:11 PM (953wK)

569 One of the reviews that is up on Amazon says " Also not credible to have Congressmen killing multiple Congressmen. "


Posted by: runner at April 30, 2018 05:11 PM (bUjCl)

570 Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at April 30, 2018 05:10 PM (58eZn)

I did that with David Frum's book.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at April 30, 2018 05:11 PM (5AX1G)

571 drat

Posted by: runner at April 30, 2018 05:12 PM (bUjCl)

572 His wife studied ponies"

And by "study" we mean Catherine the Great, right?

Posted by: Anon a mouse at April 30, 2018 05:12 PM (7LY+6)

573 Charlie turned to the west northwest and sniffed again. "The salmon are starting to run up in Alaska," he said at last. "Later and later every year. Damn this global warming!"

Posted by: filbert at April 30, 2018 05:11 PM (953wK)


Margaret winnied sexually as she stamped her foot and brayed ... "That's not the salmon."

Posted by: ScoggDog at April 30, 2018 05:12 PM (fiGNd)

574 In the scandal-a-day Trump era ...

yeesh, the current US Pravda can't even do a book review without getting in a Leftist jibe.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at April 30, 2018 05:13 PM (r+sAi)

575 "They were Reds, Take. Republicans. Deplorables. Untermensch."

Posted by: jake fapper at April 30, 2018 05:13 PM (VBKy9)

576 Someone do a text search on this book and see if it says "nose for news" anywhere.

Posted by: TexasDan at April 30, 2018 05:14 PM (yL25O)

577 Its not a spoiler if no one reads it

Posted by: Skip at April 30, 2018 05:14 PM (aC6Sd)

578

Groucho Marx has evidently already read Tapper's tome:

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

Posted by: BackwardsBoy likes lobster at April 30, 2018 05:14 PM (GdWl+)

579 Someone do a text search on this book and see if it says "nose for news" anywhere.
Posted by: TexasDan at April 30, 2018 05:14 PM (yL25O)


Or a passage discussing the difference between bananas and apples, perhaps?

Posted by: filbert at April 30, 2018 05:15 PM (953wK)

580 "After having curried and combed her mane, he gently fastened the feed bag to her and whispered, 'tonight we make a colt'".

Posted by: Some rat in the swamp at April 30, 2018 05:15 PM (F8cRI)

581 Has Tapper plug his book on CNN already?

Posted by: dantesed at April 30, 2018 05:15 PM (88xKn)

582 It was a blonde and Stormy Daniels kind of day when inspector 10 graded my tightie whites as passed. I was pounding the keys of my Remington lil tyke model typewriter like a fevered Hemingway pounding redheads and rum during a Cuban blackout.

Posted by: Jake Trapper, Novelist at April 30, 2018 05:15 PM (gbWkA)

583 Nood more CNN leak.

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at April 30, 2018 05:16 PM (/qEW2)

584 WTF?

To contribute to Customer features (for example, Customer Reviews, Customer Answers, Idea Lists) or to follow other contributors, you must have spent at least $50 on Amazon.com using a valid credit or debit card in the past 12 months...


Amazon, and everyone else, frankly, has a lot of astroturf product reviews. Requiring a $50 purchase / year AND an Amazon Prime account is probably meant to combat millions of fake accounts.

Posted by: bonhomme at April 30, 2018 05:16 PM (iv0p7)

585 BJORK BJORK BJORK
Posted by: The Swedish Chef at April 30, 2018 03:57 PM

Is that how you say BOOK in Austrian?

Posted by: Count Obama Chocula at April 30, 2018 05:18 PM (2NqXo)

586

yeesh, the current US Pravda can't even do a book review without getting in a Leftist jibe.


*ahem*

The proper term to describe the MSM is Progressive Pravda or "Progda" for short.

Please to be adjusting your Official Ace of the Spades Style Guiding manual.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy likes lobster at April 30, 2018 05:18 PM (GdWl+)

587
Brian Stelter
@brianstelter
Breaking: @NYTimes says Metro editor Wendell Jamieson has resigned following "an investigation." Of what? The paper isn't saying. Memo says "Susan Chira is stepping in as interim metro editor effective immediately."


Michael Calderone
@mlcalderone
NYT Metro editor Wendell Jamieson stepping down, saying in note that "I regret and apologize for my mistakes and leaving under these circumstances."

What mistakes and did they involve KY Jelly?

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at April 30, 2018 05:18 PM (+y/Ru)

588 Serena Williams is a richer man than I.

Posted by: Burger Chef at April 30, 2018 05:19 PM (RuIsu)

589 Ya ever see a hotshot hit, kid? I saw the Gimp catch one in Philly. They rigged his room with a one-way whorehouse mirror and charged a sawski to watch. He never got the needle out of his arm. They don't, if the shot is right. That's the way they find 'em - dropper full of clotted blood hanging out of a blue arm. The look in his eyes when it hit - kid, it was tasty.

Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine at April 30, 2018 05:19 PM (fA1SL)

590 "His wife studied ponies."


Futa ponies.

Posted by: wth at April 30, 2018 05:20 PM (HgMAr)

591 Ya ever see a hotshot hit, kid? I saw the Gimp catch one in Philly.

NOTHING can stop me!!!!!!!!11111111one

Posted by: The Gimp at April 30, 2018 05:21 PM (jdWK0)

592 Michelle Wolf|

--her beauty is only matched by her funny
Posted by: Kuhyt at April 30, 2018 05:04 PM

I think she Kathy Griffined her career.

Posted by: Count Obama Chocula at April 30, 2018 05:21 PM (2NqXo)

593 So Amazon is limiting reviews to "verified purchase".

Odd they never practice this on authors such as Mark Dice or Michael Savage.

Strange...

Posted by: clutch cargo at April 30, 2018 05:23 PM (RHEDC)

594 I don't have any particular animus toward Jack tapper or his book, I just want it to bomb so publishers stop giving huge advances to these jackwagons on the understanding that his political allies will buy trucks full to send to the landfill just to jack up sales numbers.

Posted by: Christopher R Taylor at April 30, 2018 05:23 PM (39g3+)

595 >>>531 Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 04:30 PM (8rNrN)

His friends affectionately refer to him as Bloodhound. Not only for his keen sense of smell but also for his knack of sniffing out evil that lurks in these damp halls of power.

...

Exactly. And to the commenter who asked if he says "news for nose" --

I doubt even Jake Tapper would be that, ahem, On the Nose. But even the suggestion of a keen sense of smell is too on the nose. Again, this is such an absurd Mary Sue that he has to suggest to you the bloodhound/nose for news thing, so that you can associate that with Jake Tapper, which is who this book is really about.

It reminds me about the Always Sunny pitch for a movie called "The Fifth Sense," about a detective with the smelling power of a dog. I think the tag-line was "He can smell crime!"

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 05:27 PM (8rNrN)

596 >>>I don't have any particular animus toward Jack tapper or his book,

I see you've never corresponded with him.

How I envy you your innocence.

Posted by: ace at April 30, 2018 05:28 PM (8rNrN)

597 Juan Williams is a twat.

Posted by: Morton at April 30, 2018 05:28 PM (lMony)

598 Posted by: BackwardsBoy likes lobster at April 30, 2018 05:14 PM (GdWl+)

LOL.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at April 30, 2018 05:28 PM (tpDAe)

599 And John was a zombie.

Posted by: BeckoningChasm at April 30, 2018 05:29 PM (nHEa8)

600 A Futa of Ponies? That might be a Brony Too Far.

Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at April 30, 2018 05:30 PM (S5Di7)

601 Hahaha! I'm looking forward to ace's "highlights" of especially ridiculous passages. "Broad shouldered with piercing blue eyes" sounds like a romance novel to me. Actually, I suspect Tapper stole a few pages from Margaret Truman's DC mystery novels. I read one and it was incredibly wooden, with the same sort of name dropping and a weird preoccupation with listing every single friggin' thing ordered and eaten by the main characters in fancy DC restaurants.
Like: "They were seated at a prime table at La Colline, one of Washington's most exclusive restaurants. They had a table right next to Tip O'Neill! Mary ordered the <i>Coquilles Saint Jacques au Gratin</i> with a glass of very expensive Taittinger champagne, while Bill dined on delicious <i.>Moules Marinieres</i> followed by perfectly prepared <i>Tournedos Rossini</i> which is a very expensive dish with pate de foie gras! And then Bill saw the head of the CIA at the bar, drinking one of the very dry martinis La Colline was famous for... Dessert was chocolate mousse..."

Two pages later, you'd get another tedious description of a meal at Duke Zieberts. I was like "The daughter of a president wrote this? It's like it was written by some 16 year old who has never been to DC or any big city but wants very badly to sound sophisticated so she's typing with a DC tour guide and a Julia Child cookbook for reference."

Posted by: Donna&&&&&&V sez don't you dare walk the damn pitcher at April 30, 2018 05:30 PM (H80UQ)

602
... for example, that one of Tapper's go-to descriptors for any older man in the book is "powerful.


Not "girthy"? Hmmmm.

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at April 30, 2018 05:33 PM (TSMoA)

603 Juan Williams defends Joy Reid, again.
Twatwaffle.

Posted by: Morton at April 30, 2018 05:34 PM (lMony)

604 Marder She Wrote.

Posted by: Wonkish Rogue Tarrasque Enthusiast at April 30, 2018 05:47 PM (gz0Wm)

605
I've heard of hip and knee replacements but shoulder replacement? That must of been a nasty fall.

"The Supreme Court on Monday announced Justice Sonia Sotomayor will undergo shoulder-replacement surgery."
========
Brothewr Inlaw had both his shoulders replaced, Arthritis

Posted by: JoshBARROquette at April 30, 2018 05:57 PM (y3aQB)

606 What mistakes and did they involve KY Jelly?
======
& chooses to live his life as a gay man

Posted by: JoshBARROquette at April 30, 2018 05:58 PM (y3aQB)

607 Even with a paltry 8 reviews, Amazon will not accept a review with less than 4 stars for this slurry

Posted by: CN at April 30, 2018 06:04 PM (5gaNQ)

608 Do you publish some sort of Newsletter or Web-Log of some sort, sir?
If so, I shall surely subscribe for THIS!
*reminds herself to hit the link*

Posted by: Deety at April 30, 2018 07:31 PM (xPWMR)

609 This is one of your greatest hits

Posted by: Canuck at April 30, 2018 08:19 PM (HpljN)

610 I can't wait. The sounds fun

Posted by: Whitney at April 30, 2018 09:42 PM (aF1ln)

611 Ace just destroyed Jake Tapper's new book, Ben Shapiro hardest hit.

Posted by: Lamont Cranston at April 30, 2018 11:07 PM (PbcKj)

612 James Jake Clapper-Tapper.

Posted by: iowaan at May 01, 2018 10:52 AM (2835Q)

613 Hwell. Did not know the Mary Sue.trope has a name.

Any of you read Lawrence Block stories? In one of them the main
character is on jury duty and spends down time talking with
another panel member. He describe the book he brought to read
in which the protagonist is a devastating Mary Sue. Hilarious.

Posted by: Wit's End at May 01, 2018 01:49 PM (ROYpB)

614 453 J. Sapper wasn't a shamus for nothing.

He got twenty-five dollars a day and all the knuckle sandwiches he could eat.

Posted by: Wit's End at May 01, 2018 04:24 PM (ROYpB)

615 For fun, he'd also bad-mouth [Joe Kennedy] for having made his fortune in bootlegging during Prohibition.

Which is a stupid urban legend. Joe Kennedy was a major Wall Street operator in the 1920s and owned a big chunk of the booming film industry. (He formed RKO by merger.) He didn't want or need to be involved with illegal business which could get one killed.

He did make a fortune out of liquor: during Prohibition, he bought the US distribution rights to several major British brands for a song - then cashed in at Repeal.

By including that story, Tapper demonstrated his fake erudition.

Posted by: Rich Rostrom at May 01, 2018 07:34 PM (bT9ZN)

616 I'm extremely impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your weblog.
Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself?
Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it is rare to
see a great blog like this one these days.

Posted by: Daftar Judi Slot Mesin at May 29, 2018 03:36 PM (LG8yE)

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