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Thursday Night's ONT is a Joke

The gods too are fond of a joke.

― Aristotle

capitalism-socialism-and-communism-are-sitting-around-talking.jpg

History Doesn't Repeat Itself, But it Does Rhyme

At age 4, success is not peeing your pants
At age 16, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding
At age 35, success is about career and family
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings
At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 80, success is not peeing your pants

Jesus Wept


A new priest was nervous about his first sermon, so he asked his monsignor for advice. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink, He proceeded to preach up a storm. After the service he returned to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

SCIENCE!


sodium.jpg


Sad News From the War on Terror


Seems that the other day they informed Nancy Pelosi that a Brazilian soldier had been killed fighting ISIS. She looked shocked, then excited. “We can really nail Trump with this information!” She exclaimed. “By the way, how many is a brazillion?”

Feghoot


Yoko? If I was mad at you guys I'd POST this rather than linking it

L'Anse aux Meadows

Last summer I visited the remains of the Viking colony there. It was an excellent trip, I wrote about it at the time. The guides were very knowledgeable. They told us an interesting story. It seems that once the colony failed, Leif Erikson returned to his native village in Greenland. When he returned, he found that he was no longer listed on the village rolls. He wasn't even allowed to vote in tribal council! Shocked, he went to the village clerk to ask why. The clerk investigated and got back to him the next day. “I'm sorry, I must have taken Leif off my census”!


Nevada

The other day I was in Nevada and I decided to visit a brothel. Unfortunately, when I got there there was a sign on the door that said “Beat it, we're closed”


Clever Bet

A guy in a dive bar comes up to the bartender and bets him $50 that he can stand on the bar at one end and piss into a whiskey bottle at the other end w/o getting a drop on the bar. The bartender takes the bet, so the guy climbs up on the bar and starts pissing. He pisses in the bar, he pisses on the back bar, he even pisses on the old hooker passed out at the other end of the bar. When he's done, the bartender laughs at him and says “Man, you hit everything BUT the bottle. Gimmie my $50”. The man smiles and hands it over.

“Why are you smiling?” the bartender asks. “You didn't even come close”.

“True”, the guy says, pointing at a group of glum looking men in a booth, “But I bet those guys $100 each that I could piss on your bar and you'd just laugh”.


One Liner

Say, did you hear about the Amish alcoholic? Poor guy, he kept falling off the wagon.


Bah-Dump-Dum

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.

"Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.

"Yes, I did," he told her.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.

"Oh... she got fired too."

Tonight's ONT brought to you by, well, I dunno. Must be something like a French horn.

English1.jpg


The Yahoo Group says don't just sit there, tell us a joke!

Posted by: WeirdDave at 10:09 PM




Comments

(Jump to bottom of page)

1 I got a 99.06% on my QA yesterday, and NO errors in the past week - woohoo!

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 18, 2017 10:01 PM (tHwdc)

2 2nd.

Posted by: DeplorableJewells45 at May 18, 2017 10:01 PM (CNHr1)

3 Oh dammit Miley! lol!

Posted by: DeplorableJewells45 at May 18, 2017 10:01 PM (CNHr1)

4 Are you guys even playing anymore?



(No, this is not a script.)

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 18, 2017 10:00 PM (6gk0M)

I try, but I can't get a first anymore!

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 18, 2017 10:02 PM (tHwdc)

5 That's great Miley!

Posted by: DeplorableJewells45 at May 18, 2017 10:02 PM (CNHr1)

6 Oh dammit Miley! lol!

Posted by: DeplorableJewells45 at May 18, 2017 10:01 PM (CNHr1)

Heh!

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 18, 2017 10:02 PM (tHwdc)

7 7

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at May 18, 2017 10:02 PM (vRcUp)

8 9

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at May 18, 2017 10:02 PM (vRcUp)

9 NINE!

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 18, 2017 10:02 PM (6gk0M)

10 I'm giddy with excitement to be on an ONT. Was there a dress code?

Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:03 PM (EgOr3)

11 No double for me, though.

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 18, 2017 10:03 PM (6gk0M)

12 That's great Miley!

Posted by: DeplorableJewells45 at May 18, 2017 10:02 PM (CNHr1)

Feeling pretty good about that, off to a good start

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 18, 2017 10:03 PM (tHwdc)

13 How about an English Tudor?

Posted by: Henry VIII at May 18, 2017 10:03 PM (vRcUp)

14 "I'm giddy with excitement to be on an ONT. Was there a dress code?"
-Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:03 PM (EgOr3)

Hell, no!

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 18, 2017 10:03 PM (6gk0M)

15 I read it all!!! Excellent ont.

Posted by: LASue at May 18, 2017 10:04 PM (CLKfs)

16 I'm giddy with excitement to be on an ONT. Was there a dress code?
Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:03 PM (EgOr3)


Thin white t-shirt, white cotten panties, knee-high socks.

Posted by: Colorado Alex In Exile at May 18, 2017 10:04 PM (Tnhbr)

17 "I'm giddy with excitement to be on an ONT. Was there a dress code?"

-Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:03 PM (EgOr3)


I'm wearing a skirt. But no pants.

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 18, 2017 10:04 PM (tHwdc)

18 What's Capitalism?

Posted by: Meremortal at May 18, 2017 10:05 PM (3myMJ)

19 Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 18, 2017 10:04 PM (tHwdc)

Naughty girl.

Posted by: DeplorableJewells45 at May 18, 2017 10:05 PM (CNHr1)

20 Wrecked him? Nearly killed him!

Posted by: Bacon Jeff at May 18, 2017 10:05 PM (3JQ/p)

21 on ont like this is evidence of collusion with the russians and screams for a special prosecutor.


Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:05 PM (cPsPa)

22 I try, but I can't get a first anymore!
Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 18, 2017 10:02 PM (tHwdc)


Great Moments In ONT History

Posted by: filbert at May 18, 2017 10:06 PM (s5o+q)

23 A guy got hired to paint the lines on highways. On the first day, he painted 10 miles. The next day, he only painted 5. The third day, he only managed 2 miles. So his foreman calls him into the office & says "What's going on? You did great your first day, but have gotten worse every day since?" The guy replied, "Well, each day I got further away from the can!"

Posted by: josephistan at May 18, 2017 10:06 PM (ANIFC)

24 re
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.

ok, typo (gurb?), but my brother went to Lehigh University decades ago and he quoted that as the school's grace before meals

and Keith Olbermann is a twat.

Posted by: mallfly the expert at May 18, 2017 10:06 PM (ILitO)

25 I need some of that religious vodka.

Or at least more laughter.

Posted by: tbodie at May 18, 2017 10:06 PM (+bodw)

26

I'm wearing a skirt. But no pants.
Posted by: Miley, the Duchess
---
Go on. . . .

Posted by: Tonypete at May 18, 2017 10:06 PM (tr2D7)

27 Thin white t-shirt, white cotten panties, knee-high socks.

Posted by: Colorado Alex In Exile at May 18, 2017 10:04 PM (Tnhbr)
U so crafty. Like that isn't every 'ette, every minute of every day.

Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:07 PM (EgOr3)

28 Goodie!!!

I spent the entire day avoiding this doom and gloom and like an idiot, I came back. Looks like I'll be avoiding this place and all the:

1. We're simply fucked.

2. We're beyond doomed.

3. I'M VOTING DEMOCRAT!!!111!!! That'll show 'em.

4. Let's re-fight the 2008 election.

Such an intelligent blog...................


Pfffffffft.

Posted by: Deplorable Flyover 98ZJUSMC at May 18, 2017 10:07 PM (G9MZN)

29 http://nypost.com/2017/05/18/two-bisexual-women-and-their-husband-love-parenting-as-threesome/

I've been arguing for a while that this is exactly how the left would push polygamy. Not through muslim immigrants, but upper middle-class white liberals: Some guy, his wife, and their shared girlfriend.

Posted by: Colorado Alex In Exile at May 18, 2017 10:07 PM (Tnhbr)

30 Because 7 ate 9

Posted by: Mccool at May 18, 2017 10:08 PM (yicYc)

31 Sorry, can't write to order.
Have to feel it.

So 'write a joke' doesn't work for me.
I have no control over the words.
They just flow, or not.

And I have been a failure since age 4.
I have learned to live with it.

Posted by: Skandia Recluse at May 18, 2017 10:08 PM (mMV/G)

32 and Keith Olbermann is a twat.


Posted by: mallfly the expert at May 18, 2017 10:06 PM (ILitO)
You can never go wrong, throwing that in. Nice save!

Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:08 PM (EgOr3)

33 WeirdDave,

Twenty years ago I heard a much-abridged version of the sermon joke. (With only the gentle correction that David *slew* Goliath, he didn't stomp the sh#t out of him.) I retold it once, and was informed that there's a much longer and cumulatively naughtier version out there.

But I never knew it until just now. So thanks.

Posted by: JPS at May 18, 2017 10:08 PM (9ziuC)

34 And none of those joke were funny.

Posted by: Skandia Recluse at May 18, 2017 10:08 PM (mMV/G)

35 U so crafty. Like that isn't every 'ette, every minute of every day.
Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:07 PM (EgOr3)


A man can dream...

BTW, are you in SoCal still?

Posted by: Colorado Alex In Exile at May 18, 2017 10:08 PM (Tnhbr)

36 Nice ONT. Hilarious.

I read the Nevada brothel joke to Mr. H and copied the sodium joke on my facebook page.

Please sir, may I have another?

Posted by: ALH at May 18, 2017 10:09 PM (Iu5oK)

37 U so crafty. Like that isn't every 'ette, every minute of every day.
Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:07 PM (EgOr3)

I know, right? Geez... you guys.

Posted by: DeplorableJewells45 at May 18, 2017 10:09 PM (CNHr1)

38 Blasphemy! Infidel, I keel you! ULULUULULULULULULULULU!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Pope Francis at May 18, 2017 10:09 PM (vRcUp)

39 Punchline only -

I don't know where I've been and what I've done, but I've won first prize!

Posted by: Tonypete at May 18, 2017 10:09 PM (tr2D7)

40 Posted by: Deplorable Flyover 98ZJUSMC at May 18, 2017 10:07 PM (G9MZN)

They'll come around. They just need to hit the bottle earlier.

Posted by: Meremortal at May 18, 2017 10:09 PM (3myMJ)

41 That's a SouthTexas area code that includes the Austin area.

Posted by: Jack Sock at May 18, 2017 10:10 PM (IDPbH)

42 "And the little boy sobbed out, 'I wish I lived in the Soviet Union.' " - Soviet joke #1 punchline.

Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine. Glory to Kekistan! No Longer Accepting Harem Applicants at May 18, 2017 10:10 PM (TwwWO)

43 That's not funny!!!!!

Posted by: Feminist - anticipating joke in this thread about feminists at May 18, 2017 10:10 PM (JyFLk)

44 They'll come around. They just need to hit the bottle earlier.
Posted by: Meremortal at May 18, 2017 10:09 PM (3myMJ)


7:00 Am is a bit early....................

Posted by: Deplorable Flyover 98ZJUSMC at May 18, 2017 10:10 PM (G9MZN)

45 Cornell Dairy Makes New Ice Cream Flavor to Honor Joe Biden

Mmmmmmmm....Paste Ice Cream!

Posted by: tu3031 at May 18, 2017 10:11 PM (qJhUV)

46 *HAH!* You Communist! I've been erased from History!

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 18, 2017 10:11 PM (6gk0M)

47 Q: How do you get a Leftist off of a swingset?


A: Hit him in the face with an axe.

Posted by: Inspector Cussword at May 18, 2017 10:11 PM (c1VpD)

48


Relax. I'm packing your lunch...

Posted by: Not so random punchline at May 18, 2017 10:11 PM (DpOmP)

49 The FBI Agents Association represents more than 13,000 active duty and
retired agents and endorsed Rogers in 2014 when he was up for the FBI
post as a replacement for then-Director Robert Mueller. President Barack
Obama instead chose Comey, a former deputy attorney general.

===



Mike Rogers.



Posted by: Mortimer - Finish Her! at May 18, 2017 10:11 PM (Uxokn)

50 Another day down.

Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone, Earl of Melancholy at May 18, 2017 10:11 PM (0mRoj)

51 What about 512?

Posted by: lindameh now flinging poo at May 18, 2017 10:11 PM (kufk0)

52 The version of the piss on the bar joke that I heard was a guy pissing on an IRS desk during an audit interview.

Posted by: Jack Sock at May 18, 2017 10:12 PM (IDPbH)

53 We would but we need the caviar!

Posted by: Just the punchline at May 18, 2017 10:12 PM (BO/km)

54
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZDAYg196x8


Audioslave - I Am the Highway

(RIP Chris Cornell)

Posted by: an indifferent penguin at May 18, 2017 10:12 PM (nHbAq)

55 "And the little boy says, 'Grandfather, I have one more question - what is 'bread'?" - Soviet joke #2 punchline.

Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine. Glory to Kekistan! No Longer Accepting Harem Applicants at May 18, 2017 10:13 PM (TwwWO)

56 old joke that ran in Mad Magazine (the Dave Berg section) years ago

the difference between capitalism and communism:
under capitalism it's man exploits man
under communism it's the other way around.

Posted by: mallfly the expert at May 18, 2017 10:13 PM (ILitO)

57 Did one of the comments up top get deleted?

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at May 18, 2017 10:13 PM (vRcUp)

58 *HAH!* You Communist! I've been erased from History!
Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 18, 2017 10:11 PM (6gk0M)

I think WD even got a funny on the ONT in real time.

Posted by: tbodie at May 18, 2017 10:14 PM (+bodw)

59 >>>The other day I was in Nevada and I decided to visit a brothel.
Unfortunately, when I got there there was a sign on the door that said "Beat it, we're closed"<<<




We're closed. Mooseknuckle out front should have told ya.

Posted by: brothel management at May 18, 2017 10:14 PM (nHbAq)

60 "Did one of the comments up top get deleted?"
-Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at May 18, 2017 10:13 PM (vRcUp)

Yup... lol. Some Democrat gave Miley the victory instead of Your Friendly Neighborhood Slapweasel!

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 18, 2017 10:14 PM (6gk0M)

61 IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE NA IS THE SYMBOL FOR SODIUM, BUT IT'S ALSO A SLANGY WAY OF SAYING 'NO'.

Posted by: BEN ROETHLISBERGER at May 18, 2017 10:15 PM (vRcUp)

62 Did you hear that Buddha went to a hot dog stand and asked if they could make him One with Everything?

(rim shot)

Posted by: Secret Square at May 18, 2017 10:15 PM (9WuX0)

63 And communism said, 'whats a sausage'...

Wait... I don't get it...

Posted by: Amy Shumer at May 18, 2017 10:15 PM (NgKpN)

64 I would really like to know how many readers would admit to reading the shaggy dog story in its entirety.

'cuz I just put up 11k words on my blog. The last one (short story) seemed to attract some attention, so I did it again. I was gonna wait for the Sunday Book Thread.

The blog ain't open yet, I'm still debating it with my other self.

Posted by: Skandia Recluse at May 18, 2017 10:16 PM (mMV/G)

65 re 26:


I'm wearing a skirt. But no pants.

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess

---

Go on. . .


am I wearing pants or a skirt?

depends

Posted by: Chelsea Clinton on behalf of her wasted mother at May 18, 2017 10:16 PM (ILitO)

66 *HAH!* You Communist! I've been erased from History!

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 18, 2017 10:11 PM (6gk0M)

Whatwhatwhat?? Now I'm first?
Doesn't seem fair - I didn't earn it...

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 18, 2017 10:16 PM (tHwdc)

67 Why did the feminist cross the road ?
To suck my fkn c#@k.


Too blue?

Posted by: awkward davies at May 18, 2017 10:16 PM (JsMw3)

68 56. Heh.... that's one of the old Radio Yerevan jokes. Like any work of literature, Soviet humor jas genres. RY jokes were always very short and quite punchy.

"And the guy said, 'Because I can't wipe my ass with Radio Moscow'." - Soviet joke #3 punchline

Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine. Glory to Kekistan! No Longer Accepting Harem Applicants at May 18, 2017 10:17 PM (TwwWO)

69 Yup... lol. Some Democrat gave Miley the victory instead of Your Friendly Neighborhood Slapweasel!

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 18, 2017 10:14 PM (6gk0M)
How the fuck does that work? I saw you hogging the top spot and, iirc, it was quite a little while before anyone else posted. ???

Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:17 PM (EgOr3)

70 We are all first here......

Posted by: lindameh now flinging poo at May 18, 2017 10:17 PM (kufk0)

71 "Whatwhatwhat?? Now I'm first?
Doesn't seem fair - I didn't earn it...
"
-Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 18, 2017 10:16 PM (tHwdc)

It is The Joke ONT. It is actually kind-of funny.

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 18, 2017 10:17 PM (6gk0M)

72 >>>And none of those joke were funny.

Posted by: Skandia Recluse at May 18, 2017 10:08 PM (mMV/G)<<<

THEN WHO WAS JOKE!?!?!

Posted by: an indifferent penguin at May 18, 2017 10:18 PM (nHbAq)

73 Whatwhatwhat?? Now I'm first?
Doesn't seem fair - I didn't earn it...
Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 18, 2017 10:16 PM (tHwdc)


Life ain't fair. Bonus points for not "First-ing".

Posted by: filbert at May 18, 2017 10:18 PM (s5o+q)

74 first time I heard the sermon joke I nearly drove off the road laughing. when I got home I called the startion, got the dj and had him leave a copy of the joke for me at the front desk.

you need to change "get" in number 5 to "bet", it is funnier that way.

also, the way I heard it was Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

very funny.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:18 PM (cPsPa)

75 My favorite joke ever is a groaner.

What did the homosexual jewish pedophile say?

Hey there, little boy. Wanna buy some candy?

Posted by: mx4 at May 18, 2017 10:18 PM (BVtNb)

76 Weird Dave, are you in Austin?

Posted by: LASue at May 18, 2017 10:18 PM (CLKfs)

77 "How the fuck does that work? I saw you hogging the top spot and, iirc, it was quite a little while before anyone else posted. ???"
-Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:17 PM (EgOr3)

Meh... I don't mind a little rug-pulling by the staff. Keeps me balanced.

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 18, 2017 10:18 PM (6gk0M)

78 Maybe you anti-DH, NL nuts are right after all. Stroman got a home-run tonight vs the Braves.

BTW, it looks like you can't call an opposing pitcher a (I'm guessing) cocksucker any more in MLB.

"And Wu wept."

Posted by: andycanuck at May 18, 2017 10:19 PM (nlbfN)

79 What are the best kind of bees?

Posted by: Jack Sock at May 18, 2017 10:19 PM (IDPbH)

80 an indifferent penguin at May 18, 2017 10:18 PM

Jack ain't here, man. You got the stuff?

Posted by: Skandia Recluse at May 18, 2017 10:19 PM (mMV/G)

81 What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman and a prostitute?
An epileptic oysterman shucks between fits.

Posted by: Western Slope Mope at May 18, 2017 10:19 PM (WrMht)

82 Shadow on the Sun


Always made me kinda sad. Now will make me a little sadder.



Posted by: Mortimer - Finish Her! at May 18, 2017 10:19 PM (Uxokn)

83
Life ain't fair. Bonus points for not "First-ing".

Posted by: filbert at May 18, 2017 10:18 PM (s5o+q)

Eh, that's so boring.

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 18, 2017 10:19 PM (tHwdc)

84
This is the point I was trying to make the other day.

The Communists invented "socialism" which is just a repackaged version of Communism.

Communists also invented the term "Capitalism" to present the other "extreme" or opposite of Communism, as a clever way to pass off "Socialism" as the middle-ground between Communism and Capitalism. Most stupid young people today believe that to be true.

There is Power in language.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- That's class! at May 18, 2017 10:20 PM (w+TcR)

85 *Standing ovation*

Dave, you're a marvel. Great ONT.

I didn't click the Yoko link, I confess, but I read every word of everything.

Very funny. I needed this after this crappy news day. Thank you.

Posted by: bluebell at May 18, 2017 10:20 PM (UgVwB)

86 Welp! I finally brought the Saga of the Truck Tag to a victorious conclusion today! One less thing to stress over.

Posted by: Brother Cavil at May 18, 2017 10:20 PM (66CWr)

87 Hear about the guy who was half Polish and half Italian?

He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.

Posted by: Semi-engaged Scroller at May 18, 2017 10:21 PM (LQLeS)

88 Jeopardy jokes.

Give the punchline, guess the joke

Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 10:21 PM (vChNs)

89 "And Wu wept."
Posted by: andycanuck at May 18, 2017 10:19 PM (nlbfN)


https://youtu.be/Hk04jBuyO10

Not one of my favorite Steely Dan songs.

"All night long, we would sing that stupid song . . ."

Posted by: filbert at May 18, 2017 10:21 PM (s5o+q)

90 Posted by: Deplorable Flyover 98ZJUSMC at May 18, 2017 10:07 PM (G9MZN)

---
fortunately, no one listens to Jarheads...


Posted by: redc1c4 at May 18, 2017 10:21 PM (mB6Wl)

91 I posted this last night but you guys really do need to watch this hilarious and wonderful video. NSFW and lots of F-bombs.

http://tinyurl.com/myy4mnm

Posted by: mx4 at May 18, 2017 10:21 PM (BVtNb)

92 old joke that ran in Mad Magazine (the Dave Berg section) years ago

the difference between capitalism and communism:
under capitalism it's man exploits man
under communism it's the other way around.

Posted by: mallfly the expert


Cute, but not quite accurate. Under communism the coercion is absolute. It's basically slavery. Under capitalism, there are a variety of different ways people are exploited but it's rarely coercive, and sometimes it can be remedied or deterred (as by suing someone who cheats you).

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at May 18, 2017 10:21 PM (vRcUp)

93 Go on. . .


am I wearing pants or a skirt?

depends
Posted by: Chelsea Clinton on behalf of her wasted mother at May 18, 2017 10:16 PM (ILitO)

---

and the 2017 Mark Twain award for humor goes to....

Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 10:22 PM (vChNs)

94 I'm giddy with excitement to be on an ONT. Was there a dress code?

Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:03 PM (EgOr3)

No pants!

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at May 18, 2017 10:22 PM (0deF2)

95 Heh

Do you know why it takes four millennials to change a lightbulb?

'Cause they're stupid & lazy

Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine. Glory to Kekistan! No Longer Accepting Harem Applicants at May 18, 2017 10:22 PM (TwwWO)

96 Russians Russians Russians Russians
Russians Russians Russians Russians
Russians Russians Russians Russians
Hacking Hacking

Russians Russians Russians Russians
Russians Russians Russians Russians
Russians Russians Russians Russians
Hacking Hacking

Russians Russians Russians Russians
Russians Russians Russians Russians
Russians Russians Russians Russians
Hacking! Hacking!

Russians Russians Russians Russians
Russians Russians Russians Russians
Russians Russians Russians Russians
Trump! Truuump! Ohhhh, Truuump! It's Truuuuump!

Posted by: rickl at May 18, 2017 10:23 PM (sdi6R)

97 Prostitute with diarrhea... Dam tiny keyboard, hit return too soon, blew the joke

Posted by: Western Slope Mope at May 18, 2017 10:23 PM (WrMht)

98 “Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, ‘I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.’ The waitress replies, I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?'”

Posted by: Stolen joke at May 18, 2017 10:23 PM (ZO497)

99 re 63: of course, try Michael Moore, he might be that hard up

Posted by: Mallfly Queen of Hoboken at May 18, 2017 10:23 PM (ILitO)

100 62 Did you hear that Buddha went to a hot dog stand and asked if they could make him One with Everything?

He gave the vendor a $20 bill, which the vendor pocketed. "Do I get any money back?" The Buddha asked.

The vendor replied "Don't you know that change comes from within?"

Posted by: Weirddave at May 18, 2017 10:23 PM (jxEDE)

101 29:I've been arguing for a while that this is exactly how the left would push polygamy. Not through muslim immigrants, but upper middle-class white liberals: Some guy, his wife, and their shared girlfriend.


And they made sure they are reasonably attractive. Hell hath no fury than unintended consequences scorned.

Posted by: Puddleglum at May 18, 2017 10:23 PM (pY+s4)

102
Semi-engaged Scroller at May 18, 2017 10:21 PM (LQLeS)

I laughed. Don't understand the joke, but I laughed any.

Posted by: Skandia Recluse at May 18, 2017 10:23 PM (mMV/G)

103 "And Wu wept."

Posted by: andycanuck


Oh where, oh where has my little schlong gone? Oh where, oh where could it be?

Posted by: Brianna Wu at May 18, 2017 10:24 PM (vRcUp)

104
What's Capitalism?
Posted by: Meremortal


THIS IS CAPITALISM.

Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at May 18, 2017 10:24 PM (IqV8l)

105 re 92: who are you, Robert Reich? spleesh

Posted by: Mallfly Queen of Hoboken at May 18, 2017 10:25 PM (ILitO)

106 Doctor: "You have to stop masturbating."

Patient: "Why?"

Doctor: "So I can examine you."

Posted by: Semi-engaged Scroller at May 18, 2017 10:25 PM (LQLeS)

107 THIS IS CAPITALISM.
Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at May 18, 2017 10:24 PM (IqV8l)


I'm not a "capitalist."

I'm a "free enterpriser."

There IS a difference.

Posted by: filbert at May 18, 2017 10:25 PM (s5o+q)

108 and the 2017 Mark Twain award for humor goes to....
Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 10:22 PM (vChNs)

Dammit man, I almost lost my whiskey with that one.

Posted by: tbodie at May 18, 2017 10:26 PM (+bodw)

109
Two mothers-in-law would be hell.

Both the women looked sort of cute in the first picture, but then down further, one looks sort of Rachel Maddow-y.

Posted by: publius (not Breitbart publius) at May 18, 2017 10:26 PM (8O3HH)

110 Off for content. Later!

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 18, 2017 10:26 PM (tHwdc)

111 I told my girl friend her eyebrows were painted up too high.

She looked surprised.

Posted by: Meremortal at May 18, 2017 10:26 PM (3myMJ)

112 :I've been arguing for a while that this is exactly how the left
would push polygamy. Not through muslim immigrants, but upper
middle-class white liberals: Some guy, his wife, and their shared
girlfriend.




And they made sure they are reasonably attractive. Hell hath no fury than unintended consequences scorned.

Like "Three's Company".

Posted by: tu3031 at May 18, 2017 10:26 PM (qJhUV)

113 Off for content. Later!
Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May



so Miley is off to take more naked selfies?

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:27 PM (cPsPa)

114 what's the difference between a magician and a chorus line of blondes?

One has a cunning array of stunts

Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 10:27 PM (vChNs)

115 "Do you know why it takes four millennials to change a lightbulb?

'Cause they're stupid & lazy"

And drunk on pot!

Posted by: Meremortal at May 18, 2017 10:27 PM (3myMJ)

116 First heard Shadow on the Sun in the movie Collateral

Frankly?

Cruse's best,

IMHO

Brutal. Dark.

Good stuff.


Posted by: Mortimer - Finish Her! at May 18, 2017 10:28 PM (Uxokn)

117 What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman and a prostitute with diarrhea?
An epileptic oysterman shucks between fits.

Posted by: Western Slope Mope at May 18, 2017 10:19 PM (WrMht)

Fixed it for you!

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at May 18, 2017 10:28 PM (0deF2)

118 'Well,' the city man said, 'it's the same idea, but without a dog.' - Old Czarist Russian joke #1 punchline.

Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine. Glory to Kekistan! No Longer Accepting Harem Applicants at May 18, 2017 10:28 PM (TwwWO)

119
What are the best kind of bees?
Posted by: Jack Sock


Boo bees.

Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at May 18, 2017 10:28 PM (IqV8l)

120 bunga bunga or death by bunga bunga?

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:28 PM (cPsPa)

121 75 My favorite joke ever is a groaner.

What did the homosexual jewish pedophile say?

Hey there, little boy. Wanna buy some candy?
Posted by: mx4 at May 18, 2017 10:18 PM (BVtNb)


A Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi were walking down the street together. They saw a young boy walking in the opposite direction.

The priest said, "I'd like to screw him."

The rabbi said, "Out of what?"

Posted by: rickl at May 18, 2017 10:28 PM (sdi6R)

122 I'll bet they have to Google how to change a light bulb on their damn phone. And watch a little how-to video to do it step-by-step.

Posted by: publius (not Breitbart publius) at May 18, 2017 10:28 PM (8O3HH)

123 Ginger Thursday ONT Compliance Pics

https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/865242274820747264

https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/865242360774635520

https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/865242455284822016

https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/865242558854819841

https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/865242659329331200

Posted by: kbdabear at May 18, 2017 10:29 PM (AOrEZ)

124 >>>If I was mad at you guys I'd POST this rather than linking it


So a moth goes into a podiatrist's office ...

Posted by: Norm MacDonald at May 18, 2017 10:30 PM (vRcUp)

125 More Ginger Thursday ONT Compliance Pics

https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/865242763960496131

https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/865242865802391552

https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/865242964129439744

https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/865243052784406528

Posted by: kbdabear at May 18, 2017 10:30 PM (AOrEZ)

126
So let's say you're Job in the Bible. And you own chickens. Your chickens lay eggs, which you sell. After feeding and housing the chickens, and taxes, you make a Profit, which you keep.

That makes you, Job, a Capitalist?? No, it makes you a business owner. But the terms "capitalist/capitalism" was coined to make what you do something Bad.

You can't have Communism unless you can show the alternative Big Bad. Enter: Capitalism.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- That's class! at May 18, 2017 10:30 PM (w+TcR)

127 re 98: there's a story from the late 1960s about the actress Sylvia Miles having dinner in one of the restaurants on W 49th St in Manhattan (the block between 8th and 9th avenues was nicknamed 'restaurant row')
and at the end of the meal, the waiter, a good looking black fellow, came to the table and asked if Miles wanted anything else and she said she wanted a coffee.
"and how would you like your coffee?" he asked and she replied "I like my coffee like I like my men."
and the waiter replied, "I'm sorry, but we don't have any gay coffee."

Posted by: Mallfly Queen of Hoboken at May 18, 2017 10:30 PM (ILitO)

128 Two mothers-in-law would be hell.

Both the women looked sort of cute in the first picture, but then down further, one looks sort of Rachel Maddow-y.

---

his arm is strategically placed in the first photo to hide her gut

Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 10:30 PM (vChNs)

129 What's it called when you die and come back in your next life as a hillbilly?

Rein-tarnation!

Posted by: LexisTexas at May 18, 2017 10:31 PM (OVOxt)

130 We're closed. Mooseknuckle out front should have told ya.
Posted by: brothel management at May 18, 2017 10:14 PM


We've reopened. It's a business to do pleasure with you.

Posted by: new brothel management at May 18, 2017 10:31 PM (DMUuz)

131 76 Weird Dave, are you in Austin?

Nah, Austin's too blue. I live in Maryland.

And Bluebell, if you had read the link, you wouldn't have posted until about 12.

Posted by: Weirddave at May 18, 2017 10:31 PM (jxEDE)

132 Trump is getting threatening calls AND THEY'RE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks and You're Not at May 18, 2017 10:32 PM (Nwg0u)

133 Evening all.

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?

It might lead to dancing.

Posted by: Country Boy at May 18, 2017 10:32 PM (D2vc1)

134 75 My favorite joke ever is a groaner.

What did the homosexual jewish pedophile say?

Hey there, little boy. Wanna buy some candy wholesale?

---

does that make it funnier?

Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 10:33 PM (vChNs)

135 ever come up with a joke that is too evil to tell?

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:33 PM (cPsPa)

136 Another:

Q: What do you call a hippy who has fallen into the pit under an outhouse?

A: Who cares, piss on him.

Posted by: Inspector Cussword at May 18, 2017 10:33 PM (c1VpD)

137 Why can't Stevie Wonder go out with his friends anymore?





Because he got married.

Posted by: Jack Sock at May 18, 2017 10:34 PM (IDPbH)

138
Two brothers, age 5 and 8, decide that it's time to learn how to swear. So the 8 yr old says "you say 'ass', and I'll say 'Hell'. Got it?"

So they run downstairs for breakfast.

Mom turns to the 8 yr old and asks what he's going to have for breakfast.

"Ah Hell, Mom. I'll just have me some Cheerios."

Mom's eyes flash and she backhands him across the mouth. "I don't EVER want to hear you say that again!" And the 8 yr old runs upstairs crying his eyes out.

Mom turns to the 5 yr old, "And what are YOU gonna have for breakfast?"

"I dunno, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at May 18, 2017 10:34 PM (quw2O)

139 Is everybody drunk?

Or is it just me?

Posted by: Mortimer - Finish Her! at May 18, 2017 10:34 PM (Uxokn)

140 Soothsayer, Socialism goes back to the enlightenment, specifically the late enlightenment with the French and the English thinkers, though there has always been that strain of doogooding for the benefit of the elites.
Rousseau supposedly got it rolling, the French revolutionaries took it as a pretext for their own powers, Von Bismarck nationalised it for the Prussian State, and it exploded into being throughout Europe as Anarchism in the late 1800's.
Marxism and Fascism grew out of an attempt to control and modify it for the benefit of the power elite

Marx was only parroting what was generally felt.

Socialism, fascism and communism are the same basic idea, and it means people without freedom, enslaved by the power of the state bent to the benefit of the elite.
There is no reason to put a happy face on it.

Oh, and listen to this lecture by Ralph Raico.

https://youtu.be/IdXj6tnvdZA

Posted by: Kindltot at May 18, 2017 10:34 PM (mkDpn)

141 133. Three theological truths - Protestants don't recognize the Pope in matters of theology. Jews don't recognize Jesus in the Hebrew Bible. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine. Glory to Kekistan! No Longer Accepting Harem Applicants at May 18, 2017 10:34 PM (TwwWO)

142 75: omg. My new favorite joke.

Posted by: LASue at May 18, 2017 10:34 PM (CLKfs)

143 A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop.....

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at May 18, 2017 10:35 PM (rLs2u)

144 My favorite joke: I went to the German/Chinese restaurant. The food was OK, but an hour later I was hungry for power.
Ta Da.

Posted by: Jaclyn at May 18, 2017 10:35 PM (PfJ3B)

145 The joke should have been a Venezuelan socialist asking "what's a sausage?"

Posted by: I'm Tucker Carlson and I will destroy you at May 18, 2017 10:35 PM (NGWPz)

146 just the punchline:

A Man who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a doG.

Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 10:36 PM (vChNs)

147 When you spread the firsts around it's better for everyone.

Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone, Earl of Melancholy at May 18, 2017 10:36 PM (0mRoj)

148 135 ever come up with a joke that is too evil to tell?
Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:33 PM (cPsPa)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwbnvkMRPKM

Posted by: rickl at May 18, 2017 10:36 PM (sdi6R)

149
A mischievous little boy is in church, giving his poor mother fits. The preacher decides to quiz the little boy on his religious knowledge. He asks him who made the world, the earth and heaven. The boy says nothing. The mother pulls out a little pin and sticks him with it to make him answer.

The boys answers "God." Then the preacher asks him something else, and the mother again sticks him with the pin.

Then the preacher asks, "Son, what did Eve first say to Adam..." The little boy pipes up and says "If you stick me with that thing again, I'm gonna scream!"

Posted by: publius (not Breitbart publius) at May 18, 2017 10:36 PM (8O3HH)

150 "Crossfire Trail" with Tom Selleck. Hot stuff.

Posted by: gNewt at May 18, 2017 10:37 PM (HnB/8)

151 Does anyone remember sausage?

Posted by: Venezuelan Led Zeppelin fan at May 18, 2017 10:37 PM (IqV8l)

152 So let's say you're Job in the Bible. And you own chickens. Your chickens lay eggs, which you sell. After feeding and housing the chickens, and taxes, you make a Profit, which you keep.

Then God kills your chickens and your children...

Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone, Earl of Melancholy at May 18, 2017 10:38 PM (0mRoj)

153 After the shaggy dog story, I'm not watching ten minutes of video to get the joke.

Posted by: Skandia Recluse at May 18, 2017 10:38 PM (mMV/G)

154 "99.06%.... NO errors.."

Looks like .094% errors to me. Close, but no cigar or dildo or Tahiti vacation with Barry and cute Tahitian 14 year old boys.

Posted by: colfax mingo at May 18, 2017 10:38 PM (FLjWH)

155 Socialism, fascism and communism are the same basic idea, and it means people without freedom, enslaved by the power of the state bent to the benefit of the elite.

----

Communism = Socialism by class
Nazism = Socialism by race
Fascism = Socialism by nation



Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 10:39 PM (vChNs)

156
why the long face?

Posted by: Mortimer - Finish Her! at May 18, 2017 10:39 PM (Uxokn)

157 35 ever come up with a joke that is too evil to tell?
Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:33 PM (cPsPa)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwbnvkMRPKM
Posted by: rickl at May




that's funny

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:40 PM (cPsPa)

158 Because I was busy all evening and didn't see the Lieberman thread until now, I will comment here.


Trump went to Washington with a mandate to tell the Uniparty to fuck off. He will only lose to the extent that he does not follow that mandate.



No one can make him nominate Lieberman and he should not. He should choose the hardest ass conservative he can and nominate him... and then begin the firings in the FBI right down the chain of command until he lands on a hard ass conservative that already works at the FBI who can then be the acting Director. THEN he should tell every Senator that he will campaign for any primary candidate for any challenge to Republicans who refuse to do their damn job.

Posted by: redbanzai at May 18, 2017 10:40 PM (FTXAT)

159 one of my favorite insults, "you aren't a joke, you're a punchline."

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:41 PM (cPsPa)

160 A young nurse accidentally brings a newborn Caucasian baby to Chinese parents.

An older nurse corrected her. "Don't you know that two Wongs don't make a white?"

Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 10:41 PM (vChNs)

161 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings. The inherent virtue of Socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.

Posted by: Jack Sock at May 18, 2017 10:42 PM (IDPbH)

162 Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine



Why should you always take two Baptists with you when you go fishing? Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at May 18, 2017 10:42 PM (vRcUp)

163 Turned the AC on tonight...

it's a steamy one in the midwest.

Posted by: Tickled Pink at May 18, 2017 10:42 PM (smD62)

164 When you spread the firsts around it's better for everyone.
Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone
----
Honest to God, I read this as 'fists'.

I denounce myself.

Posted by: Tonypete at May 18, 2017 10:43 PM (tr2D7)

165 Punch line:

It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan.

Posted by: I'm Tucker Carlson and I will destroy you at May 18, 2017 10:43 PM (NGWPz)

166 I saw a new poll recently. Apparently 8 out of 9 people approve of gang rape.

Posted by: Darth Randall at May 18, 2017 10:43 PM (6n332)

167 PEACHES!



How did I miss her appearance?

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:43 PM (cPsPa)

168 163 Turned the AC on tonight...

it's a steamy one in the midwest.
Posted by: Tickled Pink at May 18, 2017 10:42 PM (smD62)

Not much of a punchline.

Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone, Earl of Melancholy at May 18, 2017 10:43 PM (0mRoj)

169 oops, my bad cis math....0 .94% errors. I apoligize to Miley and will gladly fund a cigar, a dildo, or a vacation with cute 14 year old Tahitian boys to make amends.

Posted by: colfax mingo at May 18, 2017 10:44 PM (FLjWH)

170 Not much of a punchline.
Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone, Earl of Melancholy at May




you got a window, open it.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:44 PM (cPsPa)

171 What do you call a half dozen Jewish women in a basement?

A whine cellar.

What's a Jewish woman's favorite wine?

WHEN ARE WE GOING TO FLORIDA?????

Posted by: Country Boy at May 18, 2017 10:44 PM (D2vc1)

172 Dude is walking along the beach. He sees a Chinese guy skimming stones out on the water, and then cocking his ear, listening attentively.

Dude says: "Hey, man. What you doin"?

Chinese guy says, "I'm listening to the voices of my ancestors. Watch. And listen."

Chinese guy picks out a flat stone, throws and skims it across the waves. As the stone skips over the surface, it makes sounds: "Ching, Chang Chin, Chung."

Chinese guy: "As I said, those are my ancestors."

Dude says: "Whoa, I'd like to try that." So he picks up a flat rock and flings it side-arm. The rock skims along, and he can hear the sounds as it strikes the water:

"CHIM pan ZEE."

Dude says, "what the hell is that?"

So he grabs a really big, heavy rock and pushes it up in an arc into the ocean. It lands.

"Bah BOON!!"

(go ahead. denounce me. It's still very funny.)




Posted by: Zombie Don Rickles at May 18, 2017 10:44 PM (611Lm)

173 164 When you spread the firsts around it's better for everyone.
Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone
----
Honest to God, I read this as 'fists'.

I denounce myself.
Posted by: Tonypete at May 18, 2017 10:43 PM (tr2D7)

Heh. I took great care to make sure I didn't type that by mistake.

Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone, Earl of Melancholy at May 18, 2017 10:45 PM (0mRoj)

174 Chaffetz is stepping down? Guess I am late on this.

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at May 18, 2017 10:45 PM (hVdx9)

175 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal
sharing of blessings. The inherent virtue of Socialism is the equal
sharing of miseries.

Posted by: Jack Sock at May 18, 2017 10:42 PM (IDPbH)

Then Socialism has no virtue at all since our betters never suffer the same miseries (or are compelled to follow the same laws) as the proles.

Posted by: redbanzai at May 18, 2017 10:45 PM (FTXAT)

176 peg leg, peg leg!

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:45 PM (cPsPa)

177 164 When you spread the firsts around it's better for everyone.
Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone

---

another damned socialist

Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 10:45 PM (vChNs)

178 hit my hand.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:45 PM (cPsPa)

179 Hare lip!

Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at May 18, 2017 10:46 PM (IqV8l)

180 He: "I work with animals."

She: "Oh how sweet! What do you do?"

He: "I'm a butcher."

Posted by: Mortimer - Finish Her! at May 18, 2017 10:46 PM (Uxokn)

181 Chaffetz is stepping down? Guess I am late on this.


Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at May 18, 2017 10:45 PM (hVdx9)
Yeah, what's up with that?

Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:46 PM (EgOr3)

182 The first Audioslave album is easily one of the greatest albums of the '90's--even though it came out in 2002.

Posted by: JoeF. at May 18, 2017 10:47 PM (89VjS)

183 Jump? Yeah, a little.

Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone, Earl of Melancholy at May 18, 2017 10:47 PM (0mRoj)

184 Yeah, what's up with that?
Posted by: Peaches at May




wants to spend more time with his families.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:47 PM (cPsPa)

185 A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
The skeleton replies, "Gimme a beer...and a mop."

Posted by: Captain Whitebread at May 18, 2017 10:47 PM (rJUlF)

186 The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

Posted by: Jack Sock at May 18, 2017 10:47 PM (IDPbH)

187 Eats, shoots and leaves.

Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone, Earl of Melancholy at May 18, 2017 10:48 PM (0mRoj)

188 jerry rivers feels remorse for piling on ailes.....realizes how loyal ailes was to him .....

Posted by: phoenixgirl... at May 18, 2017 10:48 PM (0O7c5)

189 He's a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at May 18, 2017 10:48 PM (rLs2u)

190 Two children were shouting at each other over the Berlin wall. The kid in West Germany shouted, "We have chocolate bars and Coca Cola, what you you have?"
The East German kid said, "well, we have socialism!"
The West German kid thought for a minute and shouted back, "Well, we'll be getting that too!"
The East German kid muttered back, "Then you won't get chocolate bars and Coca Cola either."

Posted by: Kindltot at May 18, 2017 10:49 PM (mkDpn)

191 seriously, I came up with a really evil joke. I laugh aloud every time I think of it but I am afraid of the consequences of releasing weapons grade evil humor into the wild for my soul.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:49 PM (cPsPa)

192 185
A skeleton walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

The skeleton replies, "Gimme a beer...and a mop."

Posted by: Captain Whitebread at May 18, 2017 10:47 PM (rJUlF)


Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at May 18, 2017 10:49 PM (rLs2u)

193 A cop pulls over Sister Mary Theresa, and starts unzipping his fly.

"Oh no, not the breathalyzer again!"

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at May 18, 2017 10:49 PM (SRKgf)

194 fat apron

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:50 PM (cPsPa)

195
This is going to get out of control,
and we will be lucky to get through it without shots.

Posted by: Skandia Recluse at May 18, 2017 10:50 PM (mMV/G)

196 After the games in the Colosseum, an Italian swordsman went to a whore house and engaged in oral sodomy with a slave girl and was satisfied. He wasa glad he ate her.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks and You're Not at May 18, 2017 10:50 PM (Nwg0u)

197 191 seriously, I came up with a really evil joke. I laugh aloud every time I think of it but I am afraid of the consequences of releasing weapons grade evil humor into the wild for my soul.
Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:49 PM (cPsPa)



Go for it.

I did.

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at May 18, 2017 10:50 PM (SRKgf)

198 28 Goodie!!!

I spent the entire day avoiding this doom and gloom and like an idiot, I came back. Looks like I'll be avoiding this place and all the:

1. We're simply fucked.

2. We're beyond doomed.

3. I'M VOTING DEMOCRAT!!!111!!! That'll show 'em.

4. Let's re-fight the 2008 election.

Such an intelligent blog...................


Pfffffffft.
Posted by: Deplorable Flyover 98ZJUSMC at May 18, 2017 10:07 PM (G9MZN)



I'm living my life to the fullest, fuck the Dems.

As a matter of fact, I have been celebrating my 2nd Amendment rights the past 3 months by purchasing some fine American built firearms and ammunition.

Posted by: Ashley Judd's Puffy Scamper, aka MrCaniac at May 18, 2017 10:50 PM (1JnAL)

199 This is going to get out of control,
and we will be lucky to get through it without shots.
Posted by: Skandia Recluse at May




yeah penicillin and tetanus

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:51 PM (cPsPa)

200 911 is a joke

Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone, Earl of Melancholy at May 18, 2017 10:51 PM (0mRoj)

201
Go for it.



I did.

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at May 18, 2017 10:50 PM (SRKgf)
Until I got to your nic, I thought it was Y5's.

Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:51 PM (EgOr3)

202 Go for it.

I did.
Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at May




yeah that was funny, breathalyzer, but mine is orders of magnitude wronger.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:52 PM (cPsPa)

203 What does a sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We're closed.

Posted by: Semi-engaged Scroller at May 18, 2017 10:52 PM (LQLeS)

204 Joe Biden & two of his friends walk into a bar. Friend #1 steps up to the bar & says "Let me have a G&T." The bartender says "A gin & tonic, right? Coming up." Friend #2 says "I'l have a C&C." The bartender says "Crown & Coke, right?" Joe Biden steps up, thinks real hard for a few minutes, and says "I'll have a 19." The bartender says "What the hell is a 19?" Biden replies "A 7 & 7."

Posted by: josephistan at May 18, 2017 10:52 PM (ANIFC)

205 A guy gave me an Epi-pen. He was dying and it seemed very important to him that I have it.

Posted by: Meremortal at May 18, 2017 10:52 PM (3myMJ)

206 yeah that was funny, breathalyzer, but mine is orders of magnitude wronger.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:52 PM (cPsPa)
Girlfriend. Either tell it or shut up about it. WTF has happened to the ONT????

Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 10:53 PM (EgOr3)

207 yeah that was funny, breathalyzer, but mine is orders of magnitude wronger.

--


I'm wanting to give thumbs up to #121, but I'm afraid to do it.

Posted by: Skandia Recluse at May 18, 2017 10:53 PM (mMV/G)

208 This post is an outrage. AN OUTRAGE, I SAY!

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at May 18, 2017 10:53 PM (TRzoP)

209 yeah that was funny, breathalyzer, but mine is orders of magnitude wronger.
Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:52 PM (cPsPa)



Now with THAT kind of build up ...

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at May 18, 2017 10:53 PM (SRKgf)

210 A thousand dot com CEOs walk into a Silicon Valley bar, don't ever order anything and the bar is declared a roaring success.

Posted by: Jack Sock at May 18, 2017 10:54 PM (IDPbH)

211 Girlfriend. Either tell it or shut up about it. WTF has happened to the ONT????
Posted by: Peaches at May




Sister I am just sharing my torment with you. Every time I am about to tell it I wind up thinking, yeah, only bad is going to come of that.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:54 PM (cPsPa)

212 Sister I am just sharing my torment with you. Every time I am about to tell it I wind up thinking, yeah, only bad is going to come of that.
Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:54 PM (cPsPa)


Yet another endorsement.

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at May 18, 2017 10:55 PM (SRKgf)

213 Posted by: Meremortal at May 18, 2017 10:52 PM (3myMJ)

I love those kind of jokes. The ones where there is no real punchline.

Posted by: Jack Sock at May 18, 2017 10:56 PM (IDPbH)

214 Classy, Sassey, and Sloshy.

http://tinyurl.com/ld6cupk

Posted by: geoffb5 at May 18, 2017 10:56 PM (d3wbb)

215 night, team.

Remember. Stay tough. Head up. Drive on.

They HATE that.

Posted by: Mortimer - Finish Her! at May 18, 2017 10:57 PM (Uxokn)

216 Have you ever had some opportunity to make money doing something wrong like invest in a strip club or a porn start up, with someone who had a really strong track record of success? you are this close to writing the check then you just have to say, no, I can't be part to exploiting people like that?

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:57 PM (cPsPa)

217 Posted by: rickl at May 18, 2017 10:23 PM (sdi6R)


Badger badger badger?

Posted by: Ladylibertarian at May 18, 2017 10:57 PM (TdMsT)

218 Yet another endorsement.
Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at May




heh

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:58 PM (cPsPa)

219 What do you call a pig with spikes?

A pork-upine.

My 11-year-old daughter made that up.

I was impressed.

Posted by: CCC at May 18, 2017 10:58 PM (Z3wXf)

220 Knock knock

Who's there?

Dishes

Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery

Posted by: Meremortal at May 18, 2017 11:00 PM (3myMJ)

221 Posted by: rickl at May 18, 2017 10:23 PM (sdi6R)



Good evening my friends on the ONT. I've been laughing like a lunatic at all your jokes, but I can't remember any to share!!!

Love the ONT tonight. I was so down after all the political stuff yesterday, this is the first time I had the courage to venture back.

Posted by: Ladylibertarian at May 18, 2017 11:00 PM (TdMsT)

222 nly bad is going to come of that.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:54 PM (cPsPa)
Don't do it. I was just fucking with you and I'm sorry.

Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 11:01 PM (EgOr3)

223 My daughter was three in 2003 when we used to do this joke..

Dad: Who's the president?

3yearOld: BUSH

Dad: But Gore got more votes...

3yearOld: TOUGH!!!

Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 11:01 PM (vChNs)

224 219 What do you call a pig with spikes?

A pork-upine.

My 11-year-old daughter made that up.

I was impressed.

----------

$150,000 to start, with 20% of the net.

Posted by: Saturday Night Live at May 18, 2017 11:02 PM (TRzoP)

225 >>>What do you call a pig with spikes?

A pork-upine.

My 11-year-old daughter made that up.

I was impressed.
Posted by: CCC at May 18, 2017 10:58 PM (Z3wXf)<<<




**stolen**

Posted by: Amy Schumer at May 18, 2017 11:02 PM (nHbAq)

226 Don't do it. I was just fucking with you and I'm sorry.
Posted by: Peaches at May




Please, it is the ONT, I thought the rule was no broken bones no foul? besides, tomorrow when I go for coffee I can point to the cut on my cheek and say, I got that from a left hook from Peaches.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:02 PM (cPsPa)

227 My all-time favorite, though, is this:

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that thing?"

Posted by: CCC at May 18, 2017 11:02 PM (Z3wXf)

228 Maxine Waters

Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at May 18, 2017 11:03 PM (IqV8l)

229 What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey

Posted by: Meremortal at May 18, 2017 11:03 PM (3myMJ)

230 Don't do it. I was just fucking with you and I'm sorry.
Posted by: Peaches at May




There is no crying on the ONT! - Tom Hanks

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:03 PM (cPsPa)

231 Oh man. That English Tooter is in my town.

Area code at least.

I swear it ain't me, horde.

Posted by: TexasDan at May 18, 2017 11:03 PM (TqXWc)

232 Ah, Dave, I thought it was going to be Yoko screaming! I should have known you'd be too classy for that. My trust has been shattered too many times by other cobs.

I will definitely read it.

Posted by: bluebell at May 18, 2017 11:04 PM (sBOL1)

233 wreck 'em? damn near killed him!

Posted by: phoenixgirl... at May 18, 2017 11:04 PM (0O7c5)

234 "I am afraid of the consequences of releasing weapons grade evil humor into the wild for my soul."

OMG.... you found an unexploded copy of The World's Deadliest Joke! Call the bomb squad STAT!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ienp4J3pW7U

Posted by: Secret Square at May 18, 2017 11:04 PM (9WuX0)

235 As a matter of fact, I have been celebrating my 2nd Amendment rights the past 3 months by purchasing some fine American built firearms and ammunition.
Posted by: Ashley Judd's Puffy Scamper, aka MrCaniac
--------------------

Which reminds me, after the short discussion of the Remington 572 the other night, I popped over to the Remington site where I learned of the RP9. I'm wondering if R51 debacle hasn't tainted things a good bit. The price looks good, $489 MSRP.

http://preview.tinyurl.com/khgj43g

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at May 18, 2017 11:04 PM (OdK9v)

236 216 Have you ever had some opportunity to make money doing something wrong like invest in a strip club or a porn start up, with someone who had a really strong track record of success? you are this close to writing the check then you just have to say, no, I can't be part to exploiting people like that?

---

It wasn't that funny...

Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 11:05 PM (vChNs)

237 She killed Harmon and got herself Tom.

Posted by: gNewt at May 18, 2017 11:05 PM (HnB/8)

238 English Tooter the Turtle.

Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at May 18, 2017 11:05 PM (IqV8l)

239 219 What do you call a pig with spikes?

A pork-upine.

My 11-year-old daughter made that up.

I was impressed.

----------

$150,000 to start, with 20% of the net.


I'll let her know. She's funnier than anything they've had on in the last two decades.

Posted by: CCC at May 18, 2017 11:05 PM (Z3wXf)

240 Dishes Sean Connery

Posted by: Meremortal at May 18, 2017 11:00 PM (3myMJ)

In Canada, the punchline is: "Dishes CheeBeeChee North".

If you've been north of 60, you'll know why it's funny.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at May 18, 2017 11:05 PM (0deF2)

241 Wonderful ONT, WeirdDave - Thanks for the chuckles!

Posted by: ibguy at May 18, 2017 11:06 PM (vUcdz)

242 OK, tell a bit of the joke...

like boiling a frog

Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 11:06 PM (vChNs)

243 I'm not going to read the yoko story.

I'm not
I'm not.

not
not even
not gonna read it
not not not not gonna read it
I'm not
no
not
never

I have books in my kindle.

Posted by: Skandia Recluse at May 18, 2017 11:06 PM (mMV/G)

244 I don't know where I've been and what I've done, but I've won first prize!
Posted by: Tonypete at May 18, 2017 10:09 PM (tr2D7)


Oh that's the Scotsman song.

Posted by: TexasDan at May 18, 2017 11:07 PM (TqXWc)

245 Nashville and Anaheim are in OT. The Ducks choked with 2 minutes left in the third.

Hopefully my Pens recover from that shit sandwich of a game last night. They are a pretty banged up hockey club.

Posted by: Puddleglum at May 18, 2017 11:07 PM (pY+s4)

246 Man-made global warming.

Posted by: an indifferent penguin at May 18, 2017 11:07 PM (nHbAq)

247 Rectum? I damn near killed 'em!

Posted by: Amy Schumer at May 18, 2017 11:07 PM (TRzoP)

248 235 As a matter of fact, I have been celebrating my 2nd Amendment rights the past 3 months by purchasing some fine American built firearms and ammunition.
Posted by: Ashley Judd's Puffy Scamper, aka MrCaniac
--------------------

Which reminds me, after the short discussion of the Remington 572 the other night, I popped over to the Remington site where I learned of the RP9. I'm wondering if R51 debacle hasn't tainted things a good bit. The price looks good, $489 MSRP.

http://preview.tinyurl.com/khgj43g
Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at May 18, 2017 11:04 PM (OdK9v)

CDNN Sports has this for $249.99 net of a $50 rebate.

Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone, Earl of Melancholy at May 18, 2017 11:08 PM (0mRoj)

249 There was a mouse and an elephant and they decided to go for a walk in the jungle together. So they set off walking and talking and were not really paying attention to where they were going, when all of a sudden the elephant fell in a hole.
"Oh My!" the elephant cried. "What will we do?...I can't climb out on my own".

"Don't worry" said the mouse. I'll just run back into town and get my Porsche and we will have you out of there in no time at all."


So the mouse ran back to town and got his Porsche.

When he arrived back at the hole he backed the Porsche up to the edge. The mouse then threw the elephant one end of a chain and secured the other end to the bumper.

"Here we go" the mouse yelled to the elephant as he put the Porsche in gear and pulled the elephant out of the hole.

"Thank you, thank you so much my friend!" said the elephant.

"My pleasure" said the mouse "Should we continue on our walk?"

The elephant agreed, but as he turned toward the mouse his trunk accidentally knocked into the hole.

"Oh my goodness" the elephant wailed, "I'm so so sorry!...Oh, What are we going to do now. I'm too big to fit in your Porsche!"

"Not a problem" the mouse responded "Just throw your dick down here" The elephant trusted the mouse so he threw his dick into the hole and the mouse climbed out on it.
Once he was out the elephant and mouse continued on their walk with no further mishaps.

And the moral of the story is... ?

"If you have a big enough dick you don't need a Porsche!"





so the really funny thing about this joke is that we were out golfing one day and one of the guys in our party told this joke, knowing that another guy in our party had just bought a Porsche. When he was done with the joke the Porsche guy got so mad he walked off the course.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:08 PM (cPsPa)

250 244 I don't know where I've been and what I've done, but I've won first prize!
Posted by: Tonypete at May 18, 2017 10:09 PM (tr2D7)


Oh that's the Scotsman song.
Posted by: TexasDan at May 18, 2017 11:07 PM (TqXWc)

Also Chelsea Clinton's motto.

Posted by: josephistan at May 18, 2017 11:09 PM (ANIFC)

251 244 I don't know where I've been and what I've done, but I've won first prize!
Posted by: Tonypete at May 18, 2017 10:09 PM (tr2D7)


---

story of my life pal

Posted by: The Lovely Chelsea Clinton at May 18, 2017 11:09 PM (vChNs)

252 It wasn't that funny...
Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May




I have never uttered a syllable of it out loud. or typed it either.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:10 PM (cPsPa)

253
msnbc is cranking out short videos of Fake News for low info voters on Youtube, like 10 a day, all anti-Trump bullshit.

The latest is this one: "Donald Trump Watch: Denile Is The Trump's Game Plan"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54IwzigHtfY


Posted by: Soothsayer -- That's class! at May 18, 2017 11:11 PM (w+TcR)

254
"Denile"

That's not MY spelling error, btw.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- That's class! at May 18, 2017 11:11 PM (w+TcR)

255 United Nations Human Rights Council.

Posted by: an indifferent penguin at May 18, 2017 11:11 PM (nHbAq)

256 I will definitely read it.

Ahh well. Bluebell used to like me. It was nice while it lasted.

Posted by: Weirddave at May 18, 2017 11:12 PM (jxEDE)

257 If you've been north of 60, you'll know why it's funny.
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at May 18, 2017 11:05 PM (0deF2)

Not been but I get the drift...

Posted by: Meremortal at May 18, 2017 11:12 PM (3myMJ)

258 Stand up, Chuck!

Posted by: Peaches at May 18, 2017 11:12 PM (EgOr3)

259 185 A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
The skeleton replies, "Gimme a beer...and a mop."
Posted by: Captain Whitebread at May 18, 2017 10:47 PM (rJUlF)

that's not funny....

Posted by: Achmed, the Dead Terrorist... at May 18, 2017 11:12 PM (NgKpN)

260 54
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZDAYg196x8

Audioslave - I Am the Highway

(RIP Chris Cornell)
Posted by: an indifferent penguin at May 18, 2017 10:12 PM (nHbAq)

RIP indeed, Audioslave in concert circa 2007, one of the best concerts I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot.

Posted by: firehouse at May 18, 2017 11:13 PM (W13WA)

261 CNN, MSNBC, The NY Times, The Washington comPost

Posted by: an indifferent penguin at May 18, 2017 11:13 PM (nHbAq)

262 Nope, don't want her.

Posted by: The Barrel at May 18, 2017 11:13 PM (ANIFC)

263
"Denile."

Brought to you by the lying idiots at msnbc. Denile.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- That's class! at May 18, 2017 11:13 PM (w+TcR)

264 254: Spelling is cis-normative.

Posted by: Puddleglum at May 18, 2017 11:13 PM (pY+s4)

265 Jesus Wept

Jocularity!

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at May 18, 2017 11:13 PM (4ErVI)

266 There are three kinds of people in the world; those that can count and those that can't.

Posted by: Mad Joel at May 18, 2017 11:13 PM (hbILu)

267 so the really funny thing about this joke is that we were out golfing one day and one of the guys in our party told this joke, knowing that another guy in our party had just bought a Porsche. When he was done with the joke the Porsche guy got so mad he walked off the course.
Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:08 PM (cPsPa)


Heh.

Posted by: rickl at May 18, 2017 11:14 PM (sdi6R)

268 SCOAMF's Nobel Prize.

Posted by: an indifferent penguin at May 18, 2017 11:15 PM (nHbAq)

269 Muskrat, muskrat candlelight
Doin' the town and doin' it right
In the evenin'
It's pretty pleasin'

Muskrat Susie, muskrat Sam
Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land
And they shimmy
And Sammy's so skinny

And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed
Singin' and jinglin' the jango
Floatin' like the heavens above
It looks like muskrat love

Nibblin' on bacon, Chewin' on cheese
Sammy says to Suisie "Honey would you please be my missus?"
And she says yes
With her kisses

And now he's ticklin' her fancy
Rubbin' her toes,
Muzzle to muzzle, now anything goes
As they wiggle
And Sue starts to giggle
And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed
Singin' and jinglin' the jango
Floatin' like the heavens above
It looks like muskrat love

Posted by: The Captain and Denile at May 18, 2017 11:15 PM (TRzoP)

270 Great. Austin has the "English Tooter" and the threesome from that article.......

Posted by: lindameh now flinging poo at May 18, 2017 11:16 PM (kufk0)

271 Remember for the three months leading up to the Hillary investigation findings, we had 6,000 different stories about what a paragon of straight-talking no-nonsense by-the-book morally-centered virtue James Comey is?

You forgot, didn't you. That's the game.

The media sucks and their shit's all retarded.

Posted by: Mega at May 18, 2017 11:16 PM (1CtvB)

272 The captain and tenile were into muskrat tubing.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:16 PM (cPsPa)

273
msnbc is ironic and they don't even know it -- They are now at the point where President Trump's denial and claim that this is a witch-hunt is PROOF he's guilty.

So, yeah, just like a witch hunt...

Posted by: Soothsayer -- That's class! at May 18, 2017 11:18 PM (w+TcR)

274 197 191 seriously, I came up with a really evil joke. I laugh aloud every time I think of it but I am afraid of the consequences of releasing weapons grade evil humor into the wild for my soul.
Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 10:49 PM (cPsPa)


Go for it.

I did.

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at May 18, 2017 10:50 PM (SRKgf)


Yeah, go for it.

Posted by: Vrag Naroda at May 18, 2017 11:18 PM (17QyB)

275
btw, it wouldn't hurt if you clicked on that video and left a "fake news" comment

Posted by: Soothsayer -- That's class! at May 18, 2017 11:18 PM (w+TcR)

276 Soviet joke:

A hotel. A room with four strangers. Three of them break into the vodka, get good and drunk, stay up telling political jokes and laughing loudly. The fourth just wants to sleep.

He slips out, goes downstairs, and asks the concierge to send some tea to Room 410 in ten minutes. Then he sneaks back into the room and joins the conversation. After a little while he leans down to an ashtray and says pleasantly, "Comrade Major, some tea please."

In a few minutes there's a knock on the door and the concierge arrives bearing tea. The other three freeze in fear. The party dies, and the man finally gets some sleep.

He wakes up alone. Unnerved, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his roommates have gone.

"You don't need to know," she says coldly.

"But what about - what about me?" he asks.

"Oh, you, well - the Comrade Major really liked your tea gag."

Posted by: JPS at May 18, 2017 11:19 PM (9ziuC)

277 Guy wakes up in a hospital bed, shouts

"Doc, Doc, I can't feel my legs. I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!!"

Doc comes in to the room and says to the patient in a low voice

"I'm sorry, we had to amputate your arms last night."

Posted by: navybrat at May 18, 2017 11:20 PM (w7KSn)

278 The only thing I watch these days is baseball. I can't stand the news. As in, I can't stand it for even a minute. I can't stand politics right now. I have to take a break. I was feeling so depressed and crazy over it that I had to shift gears.

That's why I haven't been around as much here lately. I love you guys, but I can't take reading about the constant disintegration of this country anymore.

Posted by: Donna&&&&&&V sez the Brewers are NO.1 in the NL Central for the next 15 minutes at May 18, 2017 11:21 PM (P8951)

279 Yeah, go for it.
Posted by: Vrag Naroda at May




dude, I have stored this joke away for years. in a thousand years there is going to be a movie starring Tom Cruise and Sigourney Weaver about someone hacking my conscious and stealing the joke which then unleashes hordes of big toothed mummies that spew acid.

wsa only sharing my joke related dilema, not going to unleash it tonight and scar my soul.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:21 PM (cPsPa)

280 broke his neck, crushed his eggs, and burned his nest.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:22 PM (cPsPa)

281 253
msnbc is cranking out short videos of Fake News for low info voters on Youtube, like 10 a day, all anti-Trump bullshit.

The latest is this one: "Donald Trump Watch: Denile Is The Trump's Game Plan"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54IwzigHtfY


Posted by: Soothsayer -- That's class! at May 18, 2017 11:11 PM (w+TcR)


512 views. Matthews isn't bringing in the ad revenue. Sad!

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at May 18, 2017 11:22 PM (4ErVI)

282 cleaning them off with a snowblower

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:22 PM (cPsPa)

283 frog in a blender

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:23 PM (cPsPa)

284 Heh.

"Better Nate than lever"!

Posted by: tbodie at May 18, 2017 11:24 PM (+bodw)

285 rearranged the furniture

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:24 PM (cPsPa)

286 Feghoot:

Weird Dave, you son of a bitch!

*shakes fists in the air*

(Dammit, I liked it.)



Posted by: Deplorable Ian Galt at May 18, 2017 11:24 PM (8iiMU)

287 trump
trump
trump

deport
deport
deport

!!!!

Posted by: Origional Jake at May 18, 2017 11:24 PM (8K/LC)

288 screamed her hands off

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:24 PM (cPsPa)

289 271 Great. Austin has the "English Tooter" and the threesome from that article.......
Posted by: lindameh now flinging poo



And they've been together for 5 years. And they have an "open" relationship. They still fuck other people. Its all fun and games until one of them introduces STDs to the relationship.

Posted by: Puddleglum at May 18, 2017 11:24 PM (pY+s4)

290 My wife couldn't get pregnant. Every time she got hot I beat her with a shovel.

Posted by: Smokey Bear at May 18, 2017 11:25 PM (bc2Lc)

291 A guy got hired to paint the lines on highways. On the first day, he painted 10 miles. The next day, he only painted 5. The third day, he only managed 2 miles. So his foreman calls him into the office & says "What's going on? You did great your first day, but have gotten worse every day since?" The guy replied, "Well, each day I got further away from the can!"

Posted by: josephistan at May 18, 2017 10:06 PM (ANIFC)


...after losing his highway-painting job, he heard there was work at the power company. Unfortunately, there was another job applicant, and the foreman decided to hold a competition. "Whichever of you can set up more poles for power lines today will be hired," he said.

They returned to the foreman at the end of the day, and he asked how many poles each had placed. "Three," said the guy. "Five," said his competition.

He begged for a second chance, and the foreman relented. On the second day, the foreman again asked how many poles each had planted. "Three," said the guy. "Eight," said his competition.

Again, he begged for another chance, and on the third day, the results were similar. "Three", and "Ten".

After being told he would never get the job, the guy blurted out, "But you have to realize, that other guy is cheating! I snuck over and watched him working today!"

"He's cheating? How?" asked the foreman.

"He's only putting his in halfway!"

Posted by: mikeski at May 18, 2017 11:25 PM (ml2c/)

292 my typing

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:25 PM (cPsPa)

293 Kid comes home from first day of high school.

Dad says how was school today.

Kid says great, Dad. I got laid today!

Thinking, okay, chip off the old block! But then he says, well, that's good, but don't tell your mother that, she may not approve.

Sure Dad.

Next day, kid comes home.

Dad says, how was school today? Winks and says get laid again?

Kid says no way Dad. My ass hurts too much from yesterday.

Posted by: blaster at May 18, 2017 11:25 PM (HV1LS)

294 ha!

in before midnight eastern

Posted by: Origional Jake at May 18, 2017 11:26 PM (8K/LC)

295 The kitty VS bobcat question is answered. I finally saw the critter in my backyard. It's a bobcat.


http://tinypic.com/r/2rgi595/9


Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2017 11:26 PM (Ri/rl)

296
And then we have Republican Shits like Adam Kinziger R-Il who go on msnbc and say "it's not a witch hunt."

Posted by: Soothsayer -- That's class! at May 18, 2017 11:26 PM (w+TcR)

297 Jokes about Sodium? Mystery Science Theater 3000 has you covered!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqAxcs9lC1U

Posted by: Castle Guy at May 18, 2017 11:26 PM (7aeqx)

298 A guy got hired to paint the lines on highways. On the first day, he painted 10 miles. The next day, he only painted 5. The third day, he only managed 2 miles. So his foreman calls him into the office & says "What's going on? You did great your first day, but have gotten worse every day since?" The guy replied, "Well, each day I got further away from the can!"

Posted by: josephistan at May 18, 2017 10:06 PM (ANIFC)

...after losing his highway-painting job, he heard there was work at the power company. Unfortunately, there was another job applicant, and the foreman decided to hold a competition. "Whichever of you can set up more poles for power lines today will be hired," he said.

They returned to the foreman at the end of the day, and he asked how many poles each had placed. "Three," said the guy. "Five," said his competition.

He begged for a second chance, and the foreman relented. On the second day, the foreman again asked how many poles each had planted. "Three," said the guy. "Eight," said his competition.

Again, he begged for another chance, and on the third day, the results were similar. "Three", and "Ten".

After being told he would never get the job, the guy blurted out, "But you have to realize, that other guy is cheating! I snuck over and watched him working today!"

"He's cheating? How?" asked the foreman.

"He's only putting his in halfway!"
Posted by: mikeski at May




snortle

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:26 PM (cPsPa)

299 The best telling of the bar piss joke was in Desperado, by Quentin Tarantino.

(Remove space
https://youtu. be/moAZ3AsyhLU

Posted by: wooga at May 18, 2017 11:26 PM (UP3E5)

300
So that's the best we can get out of the Republican Shits -- they'll go on TV and say "both sides" need to calm down and let the investigation reach a conclusion.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- That's class! at May 18, 2017 11:28 PM (w+TcR)

301 B-movie review: Banshee Chapter.

Honestly pretty good. Too many stupid jump scare cuts for my taste, but otherwise a pretty good semi-Lovecraft story.

Minus points: footage of Bill Clinton. Not much, and only in the beginning, but enough to be mentioned.

Posted by: BeckoningChasm at May 18, 2017 11:28 PM (MZcWR)

302 And Bluebell, if you had read the link, you wouldn't have posted until about 12.
Posted by: Weirddave at May 18, 2017 10:31 PM (jxEDE)

11:24 at the earliest.

Posted by: tbodie at May 18, 2017 11:28 PM (+bodw)

303 Does anyone else remember this series of jokes?
What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen
What do you call a boy with no legs who sits in a puddle? Bob
What do you call a boy with no legs who sits in a pile of leaves? Russell
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs who sits on a grill? Patty
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs who sits on a grill? Frank

Posted by: Nancy at 7000 feet CO at May 18, 2017 11:28 PM (JreH3)

304
Meanwhile, there's no time in the House for tax reform. There's no time in the Senate for obamacare repeal.

Republicans are In On It.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- That's class! at May 18, 2017 11:29 PM (w+TcR)

305 We were warned:

@CHSommers 2h

Oh no!!! @ELLEmagazine bloggerette @sadydoyle compares Camille Paglia & me to scary 'Handmaid's Tale' villain.

Posted by: weft cut-loop at May 18, 2017 11:29 PM (udajc)

306 When he was done with the joke the Porsche guy got so mad he walked off the course.
-----------

Most high dollar car owners are insecure about it. Dr. down the street has a Dino. I always refer to it as a Fiat. He's practically stopped speaking to me.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at May 18, 2017 11:30 PM (OdK9v)

307 Bring me my Brown Pants!

/just the punchline

Posted by: Vrag Naroda at May 18, 2017 11:30 PM (17QyB)

308 Dave. Dave, Dave, Dave.

I think I actually turned 30 reading that.

Do you make that whole thing up yourself? That's amazing. You're something else. Very funny.

And, I want a medal or a trophy or something. I read the whole thing on my phone.

Posted by: bluebell at May 18, 2017 11:30 PM (UgVwB)

309 the hottest girl in my hs, perfect figure, flawless complexion, huge boobs, crack a a walnut on her anywhere, laughed like a cross between a seal and a pig. she started out honking like a seal for several good honks then snorted like a pig. funniest thing about it was she like laughing and was fine with her laugh.


she did get knocked up by some illegal alien drug dealer but otherwise.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:31 PM (cPsPa)

310 I just finished 12 hours of driving. My butt is tired.

Posted by: Diogenes at May 18, 2017 11:32 PM (J+Qkj)

311 so did the day peeps beat the shit out of the electrical tape story in side bar?


my question is how do the fine ladies reapply the tape after a pit-stop.

electrical tape no stick well

now gorilla tape, that sticks like a mutha fucka

Posted by: Origional Jake at May 18, 2017 11:32 PM (8K/LC)

312
Most high dollar car owners are insecure about it. Dr. down the street has a Dino. I always refer to it as a Fiat. He's practically stopped speaking to me.
Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at May



yeah, never really believed there was really an element of compensation in it but there is. calling his dino a fiat is hilarious.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:33 PM (cPsPa)

313 ONE SUNDAY MORNING, THE PASTOR NOTICED LITTLE ALEX
STANDING IN THE FOYER OF THE CHURCH STARING UP AT A LARGE PLAQUE. IT WAS
COVERED WITH NAMES WITH SMALL U.S.A. FLAGS MOUNTED ON EITHER SIDE OF IT.
>
>
THE SEVEN YEAR OLD HAD BEEN STARING AT THE PLAQUE FOR SOMETIME,
SO THE PASTOR WALKED UP, STOOD BESIDE THE LITTLE BOY, AND SAID QUIETLY,
"GOOD MORNING ALEX."
>
"GOOD MORNING," HE REPLIED, STILL FOCUSED ON THE PLAQUE.
"WHAT IS THIS?" HE ASKED THE PASTOR.
>
THE PREACHER SAID, "WELL, SON, IT'S A MEMORIAL TO ALL THE YOUNG MEN AND
WOMEN FROM OUR CHURCH WHO DIED IN THE SERVICE."
>
SOBERLY, THEY JUST STOOD TOGETHER, STARING AT THE LARGE PLAQUE.
>
FINALLY, LITTLE ALEX'S VOICE, BARELY AUDIBLE AND TREMBLING WITH FEAR, ASKED,
"WHICH SERVICE, THE 9:45 OR THE 11:15?"
>

Posted by: free tibet, with purchase of equal or greater value tibet at May 18, 2017 11:33 PM (CL76w)

314 304 Does anyone else remember this series of jokes?
What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen
What do you call a boy with no legs who sits in a puddle? Bob
What do you call a boy with no legs who sits in a pile of leaves? Russell
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs who sits on a grill? Patty
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs who sits on a grill? Frank

What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg? Irene

Posted by: buzzsaw90 at May 18, 2017 11:33 PM (vChNs)

315
The Republican Jerkoff who lost to Charlie Crist last Novemember, former Rep David Jolly, has made his full time job to go on msnbc and talk shit about President Trump.

Jolly says "Trump is done."

Posted by: Soothsayer -- That's class! at May 18, 2017 11:34 PM (w+TcR)

316 That's why I haven't been around as much here lately. I love you guys,
but I can't take reading about the constant disintegration of this
country anymore.
------------------------

Donna... the country is not disintegrating. The media is conducting psychological warfare... think Tokyo Rose on every channel every minute of every day... and it is unfortunately working on many of us.

Mind you, this warfare has been going on a while. It went on through the Obama years, then the whole election, and they will never stop. It is a straight up demoralization campaign. What you are feeling is their intention. It is targeted. They have spent billions of dollars studying how to break us.

Remember: If they are still trying to bring down Trump, it means he is still working for the people. The moment he sells out is the moment we get measured tones and complimentary nods from our enemies about him.

Posted by: Mega at May 18, 2017 11:34 PM (1CtvB)

317 you know one of the worst things about the left is that they really are humorless scolds.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:34 PM (cPsPa)

318 I just finished 12 hours of driving. My butt is tired.
Posted by: Diogenes at May 18, 2017 11:32 PM (J+Qkj)

......
not supposed to drive with your butt, Bob

Posted by: Origional Jake at May 18, 2017 11:35 PM (8K/LC)

319 Most high dollar car owners are insecure about it. Dr. down the street has a Dino. I always refer to it as a Fiat. He's practically stopped speaking to me.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc.


What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus?

A cactus has pricks on the outside.

Posted by: mikeski at May 18, 2017 11:35 PM (ml2c/)

320 "......."

Punchline: Sandra Fluke

Posted by: Semi-engaged Scroller at May 18, 2017 11:36 PM (LQLeS)

321 304 Does anyone else remember this series of jokes?
What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen
What do you call a boy with no legs who sits in a puddle? Bob
What do you call a boy with no legs who sits in a pile of leaves? Russell
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs who sits on a grill? Patty
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs who sits on a grill? Frank

What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg? Irene


WDYC two guys with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Curt 'n Rod.

Posted by: mikeski at May 18, 2017 11:36 PM (ml2c/)

322 Does anyone else remember this series of jokes?
What do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen
What do you call a boy with no legs who sits in a puddle? Bob
What do you call a boy with no legs who sits in a pile of leaves? Russell
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs who sits on a grill? Patty
What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs who sits on a grill? Frank

What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg? Irene

WDYC two guys with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Curt 'n Rod.
Posted by: mikeski at May




skip




bob

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:37 PM (cPsPa)

323 Let us move on to dirty limericks.

Posted by: Semi-engaged Scroller at May 18, 2017 11:37 PM (LQLeS)

324 There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling
Till a cynic named Boris
Merely touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.

Posted by: Semi-engaged Scroller at May 18, 2017 11:39 PM (LQLeS)

325
CDNN Sports has this for $249.99 net of a $50 rebate.
Posted by: Insomniac
--------------

Pretty durn cheap. Almost worth buying just to try. I haven't read any reviews.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at May 18, 2017 11:39 PM (OdK9v)

326 I needed this thread. Nice content, weirddave.

Posted by: t-bird at May 18, 2017 11:41 PM (/wWB4)

327 Heyzeus, I never comment and I just wanted to drop in to say these jokes were fire, WeirdDave Guy. I felt like I was eating a whole bag of popcorn. In a good way.

Posted by: Funkotron at May 18, 2017 11:41 PM (Akol+)

328 Most high dollar car owners are insecure about it. Dr. down the street has a Dino. I always refer to it as a Fiat. He's practically stopped speaking to me.
Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at May 18, 2017 11:30 PM (OdK9v)

What's a Dino?

Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2017 11:41 PM (Ri/rl)

329 What do you call a pig with spikes?

A pork-upine.

My 11-year-old daughter made that up.

I was impressed.

-
When my eldest daughter was five or six we went on a picnic and our cooler cracked getting ice water all over the car. "It's Abraham Leaking!" she said.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks and You're Not at May 18, 2017 11:42 PM (Nwg0u)

330 329; caligirl a dino is a wannabe ferrari.

Posted by: chavez the hugo at May 18, 2017 11:43 PM (KP5rU)

331 What's green and flies over Germany?



Snotzies.


Posted by: Diogenes at May 18, 2017 11:43 PM (J+Qkj)

332 Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Cause if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan

That's a read aloud joke

Posted by: Mst3k at May 18, 2017 11:44 PM (SbaWv)

333 yeah, never really believed there was really an element of compensation in it but there is. calling his dino a fiat is hilarious.
Posted by: yankeefifth
------------

Yeah. On the rare encounter with a 914 owner, I usually say, "Oh, yeah. The one that they sold as a Volkswagen in Europe".

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at May 18, 2017 11:44 PM (OdK9v)

334 Knock knock
Who's there?
Little boy blue
Little boy blue who?
Michael jackson

Posted by: Mst3k at May 18, 2017 11:44 PM (SbaWv)

335 What's green and flies over Germany?
Snotzies.

Posted by: Diogenes


I thought that was hilarious when I was young but had no idea what nazis were.

Posted by: weft cut-loop at May 18, 2017 11:45 PM (udajc)

336
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?


You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Posted by: Nathan R. Jessup at May 18, 2017 11:46 PM (6sBpp)

337
What's a Dino?
Posted by: CaliGirl
----------

Car badged, and sold, as a Fiat in Europe. Re-badged and sold as a Ferrari in the U.S.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at May 18, 2017 11:47 PM (OdK9v)

338 Evening, Horde.

Posted by: Iron Mike Golf at May 18, 2017 11:47 PM (di1hb)

339 319 I just finished 12 hours of driving. My butt is tired.
Posted by: Diogenes at May 18, 2017 11:32 PM (J+Qkj)

......
not supposed to drive with your butt, Bob

******


But I'm in SoCal. I thought I'd fit right in.

Posted by: Diogenes at May 18, 2017 11:48 PM (J+Qkj)

340 313
Most high dollar car owners are insecure about it. Dr. down the street has a Dino. I always refer to it as a Fiat. He's practically stopped speaking to me.


Meh, I dunno. I bought a BMW last year, because I wanted one and because I worked 20 damn years to be able to afford one. Runs like a watch, goes around corners like it's on rails, and if it less than 95 degrees out the drop top makes driving a simple joy.

You can call it anything you want, I don't give a shit, I didn't buy it for you, I bought it for me.

Posted by: Weirddave at May 18, 2017 11:48 PM (jxEDE)

341 "7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

Heinlein had St. Peter do just that, in Job: A Comedy of Justice.

Posted by: Zapp Branigan at May 18, 2017 11:49 PM (i8mbD)

342 A pirate walks into a bar carrying the boat wheel stuff in his pants
Bartender says hey you know you have a wheel in your pants?
Pirate says Arrr! It's drivin me nuts!

Posted by: Mst3k at May 18, 2017 11:49 PM (SbaWv)

343 336 What's green and flies over Germany?
Snotzies.

Posted by: Diogenes

I thought that was hilarious when I was young but had no idea what nazis were.

****

It was my daughter's first joke. I thought it was funny particularly since we were living in Germany at the time.

Posted by: Diogenes at May 18, 2017 11:50 PM (J+Qkj)

344 Yeah. On the rare encounter with a 914 owner, I usually say, "Oh, yeah. The one that they sold as a Volkswagen in Europe".
Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc
------------

Or, a 924 owner, "Oh,yeah. The one with the Audi truck engine."

Or, a 944 owner, "Oh, yeah, the one with the engine they licensed from Mitsubishi."


I've been insulting snobby car owners for years.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at May 18, 2017 11:51 PM (OdK9v)

345 I think I needed this after the months (years!) of hate coming outta the other side.

I'll probably need to read this again tomorrow morning before I go scrape freaking SNOW off my windshield.

Global Warming? Would you like your size 14 suppository lubed or un-lubed? To slow, un-lubed it is!

Posted by: AdamPM at May 18, 2017 11:51 PM (6l1wz)

346 Global warming?????????? Snowed all freaking day!

Posted by: westminsterdogshow at May 18, 2017 11:51 PM (mMeIQ)

347 Just the punchlines:

Do you think you can put me up for the night?

You screw my mom, why can't I screw yours?


Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at May 18, 2017 11:51 PM (hVdx9)

348 339 Evening, Horde.
Posted by: Iron Mike Golf at May 18, 2017 11:47 PM (di1hb)


Hello, Sir!

Posted by: Ladylibertarian at May 18, 2017 11:54 PM (TdMsT)

349 Comedian Amy Schumer.

Posted by: an indifferent penguin at May 18, 2017 11:54 PM (nHbAq)

350 Weirddave,

About 8 years ago I told Mrs Diogenes that I'd reached that point in life where I was ready for a sports car or a hot blonde. She thought a moment then informed me that both will get me taken to the cleaners, only one will get me a ride home.
I scored a beautiful 330 ci. And yeah...corners like it's on rails!!!

Posted by: Diogenes at May 18, 2017 11:55 PM (J+Qkj)

351 >>>Comedian Amy Schumer.


Posted by: an indifferent penguin at May 18, 2017 11:54 PM (nHbAq)
<<<

Comedian Amy Schumer.

... wait... that's not funny.

Posted by: Amy Schumer at May 18, 2017 11:56 PM (nHbAq)

352 The best thing about having a sports car is that everyone else is obsessed with your dick.

I mean, it's unsettling, but, in a way, flattering.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at May 18, 2017 11:56 PM (wB8Tg)

353 my midlife crisis went from getting a bad ass Harley to paying off the house

Posted by: Origional Jake at May 18, 2017 11:57 PM (8K/LC)

354 329 Most high dollar car owners are insecure about it. Dr. down the street has a Dino. I always refer to it as a Fiat. He's practically stopped speaking to me.
Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at May 18, 2017 11:30 PM (OdK9v)

What's a Dino?
Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2017 11:41 PM (Ri/rl)


It's...complicated. Originally a Ferrari entry-level sub-brand named after Enzo Ferrari's son. The first model had a 2.4 liter V6 246 GT, and the second was 3.0 liter V8 308GT4 that eventually was branded a Ferrari. The brand disappeared after only a few years. They eventually ended up with a lower-cost Ferrari, the 308GTS - Magnum PI's car.

https://ateupwithmotor.com/model-histories/ferrari-dino-308gt4/

Funny thing is, there is *also* a Fiat Dino - it's a 4-seat coupe built by fiat that uses the same 2.4 liter V6.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fiat_Dino

Posted by: Vrag Naroda at May 18, 2017 11:57 PM (17QyB)

355 A grasshopper walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "hey, we have a drink named after you"...the grasshopper says "you have a drink named steve?"....

Posted by: E.T. at May 18, 2017 11:57 PM (P1GJy)

356 A guy walks into a bar with his dog. He tells the bartender his dog can talk. The bartender says, "Oh yeah? If that's true, drinks are on the house for you tonight."

The guy says to his dog, "What is the thing that is over your doghouse?"

The dog says "Roof."

"And what does sandpaper feel like?"

"Rough."

And who was the greatest baseball player ever?"

"Ruth."

The bartender says, "Ah, you're fulla crap. Get outta here."

When they leave the bar, the dog says, "Gee, maybe I should have said DiMaggio instead."

Posted by: Donna&&&&&&V sez the Brewers are NO.1 in the NL Central for the next 15 minutes at May 18, 2017 11:58 PM (P8951)

357
Just wanted to send a shout out to J.J. Sefton - the morning report text really resonated with me and is a good summary of how I have been feeling lately: stunned, amazed, disheartened. Highly recommend reading is the Daniel Greenfield piece as he knocks yet another one out of the park - spot on.

It's a daily, relentless smear campaign that will seemingly never end with today's absurd example being:
U.S. SPIES HEARD RUSSIAN INTEL BRAG ABOUT TARGETING HILLARY
...senior intelligence officials tell TIME...

beyond ludicrous.

Posted by: Nathan R. Jessup at May 18, 2017 11:59 PM (6sBpp)

358
A grasshopper walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The
bartender says "hey, we have a drink named after you"...the grasshopper
says "you have a drink named steve?"....


I've heard this joke a million times, and his name is always Steve. Why? Are all grasshoppers named Steve?

Posted by: Weirddave at May 18, 2017 11:59 PM (jxEDE)

359 old Mrs Diogenes that I'd reached that point in life where I was ready for a sports car or a hot blonde. She thought a moment then informed me that both will get me taken to the cleaners, only one will get me a ride home.
I scored a beautiful 330 ci. And yeah...corners like it's on rails!!!
Posted by: Diogenes at May




so, why didn't she just dye her hair blonde?

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 18, 2017 11:59 PM (cPsPa)

360 Next door neighbor bought a Jaguar f type r. We call it the pussy wagon. Dude is single, cantaloupe shaped and looks like the hobbit king from the movie. But he's dripping chicks.

Posted by: NCKate at May 18, 2017 11:59 PM (AUHZ3)

361 Dana Perino:
4'11 A+ 110IQ Whitebread

Kim Guilfoyle:
5'6" Solid D 125IQ Irish / Puerto Rican

I know who I'd pick

Posted by: Ignoramus at May 19, 2017 12:00 AM (pV/54)

362 Baby seal walks into a club...

Posted by: ibguy at May 19, 2017 12:00 AM (vUcdz)

363 Posted by: Diogenes at May 18, 2017 11:55 PM (J+Qkj)

Heh. Good for you.

Posted by: tbodie at May 19, 2017 12:01 AM (+bodw)

364 Dana Perino:
4'11 A+ 105IQ Whitebread

Kim Guilfoyle:
5'6" Solid D 125IQ Irish / Puerto Rican

I know who I'd pick

Posted by: Ignoramus at May 19, 2017 12:01 AM (pV/54)

365 362 Dana Perino:
4'11 A+ 110IQ Whitebread

Kim Guilfoyle:
5'6" Solid D 125IQ Irish / Puerto Rican

I know who I'd pick

*****

The one who didn't bitch every time I left to go play golf.

Posted by: Diogenes at May 19, 2017 12:02 AM (J+Qkj)

366 Anyone else having margin related issues.

Also, thanks for the jokes.

Posted by: Aetius451AD's work phone at May 19, 2017 12:02 AM (AEOkY)

367 Meh, I dunno. I bought a BMW last year, because I wanted one and because I worked 20 damn years to be able to afford one. Runs like a watch, goes around corners like it's on rails, and if it less than 95 degrees out the drop top makes driving a simple joy.

You can call it anything you want, I don't give a shit, I didn't buy it for you, I bought it for me.
Posted by: Weirddave at May



not to be a dick but most BMWs are not high dollar cars. I think he mostly means high dollar sports car owners, meaning two doors. there is something about the guy who has reached the point where he can afford a six figure car and still feels the need to buy a six figure car.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 19, 2017 12:02 AM (cPsPa)

368 >>>I've heard this joke a million times, and his name is always Steve. Why? Are all grasshoppers named Steve?


Posted by: Weirddave at May 18, 2017 11:59 PM (jxEDE)<<<

Don't think so.

Posted by: Kwai Chang Caine at May 19, 2017 12:03 AM (nHbAq)

369 who buys a jag, they are mechanically unreliable and, since tata bought them, ugly.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 19, 2017 12:04 AM (cPsPa)

370 Guilfoyle over perino any day. but Guilfoyle is starting to look a little rough.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 19, 2017 12:05 AM (cPsPa)

371 Privilege of Family; Coercion of Equality; Immaturity of Progressives

The focus this time: Hissy Fits for Justice!

http://politicalhat.com/?p=13459

Posted by: The Political Hat at May 19, 2017 12:06 AM (vBeA5)

372 There are ugly tatas?

Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at May 19, 2017 12:06 AM (IqV8l)

373 There are ugly tatas?
Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at May


heh

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 19, 2017 12:07 AM (cPsPa)

374 Helen Thomas in a bikini.

Posted by: Aetius451AD's work phone at May 19, 2017 12:07 AM (AEOkY)

375 On the FBI pick, has to be someone with experience in successfully running a large law enforcement agency; a straight shooter law enforcement guy who the agents will respect, and someone who gets the political side but will not kowtow to the pols.

Seems simplistic, but how many are out there?

Posted by: RM at May 19, 2017 12:08 AM (TEpOb)

376 374 There are ugly tatas?
Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at May

--------

Yo.

*hic*

Posted by: Hillary! 2016 at May 19, 2017 12:10 AM (TRzoP)

377 So Drudge has a headline up about a guy "executed" in a van with a hooker in the back doing drugs.

is that a thing now? I thought it was just hanging and firing squads.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 19, 2017 12:11 AM (cPsPa)

378 Seems simplistic, but how many are out there?
Posted by: RM


Other than retired Feds, NY and CA state level investigators.

All in all, not an set of a-political people, imho.

Still wonder why Rudi wasn't slotted for something before.

Posted by: weft cut-loop at May 19, 2017 12:11 AM (udajc)

379 rudy only wanted state. he did not even want ag.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 19, 2017 12:12 AM (cPsPa)

380 jeanine pirro for director of fbi.

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 19, 2017 12:12 AM (cPsPa)

381 After looking at the Rosenstein order and the regulations adopted in 1999, while I'm not 100% sure, I'm pretty sure that Mueller is on a leash.

Discussed on an earlier thread.

Mueller can only go after things in his Russian connection mandate, else he has to go back to the AG (now the #2, because of Sessions' recusal).

I don't think Mueller can go after the leakers, because it's not in his mandate. That's for Sessions and the new FBI head.

That part gives me a woodie. Someday, hopefully a Schadenboner

Posted by: Ignoramus at May 19, 2017 12:13 AM (pV/54)

382 Yankeefifth @360

so, why didn't she just dye her hair blonde?

*****

I think Paolo liked it red.

Posted by: Diogenes at May 19, 2017 12:14 AM (J+Qkj)

383 I don't think Mueller can go after the leakers, because it's not in his mandate. That's for Sessions and the new FBI head.

That part gives me a woodie. Someday, hopefully a Schadenboner
Posted by: Ignoramus


At a bare, wishful minimum, he can include any Clintoon perfidy in his report, yes?

Posted by: weft cut-loop at May 19, 2017 12:15 AM (udajc)

384 An arctic baby seal walks into a club....

Posted by: Zombie Don Rickles at May 19, 2017 12:16 AM (611Lm)

385 369 >>>I've heard this joke a million times, and his name is always Steve. Why? Are all grasshoppers named Steve?

Posted by: Weirddave at May 18, 2017 11:59 PM (jxEDE)

Don't think so.
Posted by: Kwai Chang Caine at May 19, 2017 12:03 AM (nHbAq)

*****

Friggin' thread winner, this!

Posted by: Diogenes at May 19, 2017 12:16 AM (J+Qkj)

386 No, nothing Clinton. On my my read, Mueller can't fry Rice.

That's for Sessions and the new FBI head

Posted by: Ignoramus at May 19, 2017 12:17 AM (pV/54)

387 A wife divorced her husband. He was beating her.

A couple of years goes by and she wasn't getting any action.

She puts out a personal ad. "Man wanted for matrimony. No physical abuse tolerated. Must be able to satisfy me in the bedroom."

A week later, her doorbell rings.
She opens the door, and there, on the doormat is a guy with no arms or legs.

"May I help you?" asks the lady divorcee.

"I'm here about your personal ad" says the man on the doormat.

"Well, you're not exactly what I had in mind..." says the lady.

"I know what you're thinking" says the man on the doormat. "But consider this, I have no arms, I can't beat you, I have no legs, I can't kick you."

"But" asks the lady "can you satisfy me in the bedroom?"

"Well" says the guy on the doormat







"I rang your doorbell, didn't I?"

Posted by: navybrat at May 19, 2017 12:18 AM (w7KSn)

388 Margins not fixed yet?

Posted by: Country Boy at May 19, 2017 12:19 AM (Jcg9Q)

389 navybrat.......LOL

Posted by: westminsterdogshow at May 19, 2017 12:20 AM (mMeIQ)

390 What's a Dino?
Posted by: CaliGirl

Fred Flintstone's pet.

Posted by: Country Boy at May 19, 2017 12:23 AM (Jcg9Q)

391 389 Margins not fixed yet?
Posted by: Country Boy at May 19, 2017 12:19 AM (Jcg9Q)

The offending post is at 258, in case a cob is reading.

Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone, Earl of Melancholy at May 19, 2017 12:27 AM (0mRoj)

392 Just checking

Posted by: tbodie at May 19, 2017 12:28 AM (+bodw)

393 Having driven a handful of upper-end early '90s exotic cars, (as I was then in the income bracket to be proffered such by hopeful salespeople), I'll just simply say this.

Ultra performance cars are very similar to buying an Ed Brown 1911 in .45 ACP, or a Wilson Combat AR-15, or an Accuracy International boltie in .308.

They're all lost on the amateur, without concurrent investments in training, practice, training and more practice. And repeat.

Back in my cop days, I chased-down an asswit who was driving a late '70s Corvette, while I was driving an '81 Malibu with the police package.

His car was faster, accelerated harder, cornered better.

But he couldn't drive as well as I could.

He wrecked out on a telephone pole. I was there to greet him when he opened his car door.

Jackie Stewart actually is the originator of the phrase, "slow is smooth, and smooth is fast".

My driving instructor had gone through Stewart's instruction in the U.K.

That advise applies to shooting, too.



Aim small, Horde.


Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim at May 19, 2017 12:28 AM (v5iqM)

394 Speaking of jokes: life.

Posted by: Insomniac, Lord Hurlingbone, Earl of Melancholy at May 19, 2017 12:28 AM (0mRoj)

395 I think Paolo liked it red.
Posted by: Diogenes at May




heh

Posted by: yankeefifth at May 19, 2017 12:31 AM (cPsPa)

396 The goal of socialism is communism.
-- Vladimir Ilyich Lenin
He also said the bit about we selling him the rope to hang us all with..........

How about we bury them in the holes they have dug for themselves....?

Sounds like Boomer Spirit.........

Posted by: Nightwatch at May 19, 2017 12:34 AM (kFkpX)

397 Aim small, Horde.

---
unless, of course, you're shooting GPMG competition...



Posted by: redc1c4 at May 19, 2017 12:34 AM (mB6Wl)

398
Dana Perino:

4'11 A+ 110IQ Whitebread

Kim Guilfoyle:

5'6" Solid D 125IQ Irish / Puerto Rican

I know who I'd pickPosted by: Ignoramus at May 19, 2017 12:00 AM (pV/54)

---
Kay Parker...

next question please.

Posted by: redc1c4 at May 19, 2017 12:40 AM (mB6Wl)

399 Woke Leadership: Beating the S**t Out of White People

A queer communist foreign national illegally in the United States has openly called for racially motivated violence after winning an award by the University of California, Berkeley for leadership amongst illegal aliens including helping fellow foreign nationals illegally present in this country with legal support and financial aid.

http://politicalhat.com/?p=13427

Posted by: The Political Hat at May 19, 2017 12:41 AM (vBeA5)

400 unless, of course, you're shooting GPMG competition...

Posted by: redc1c4 at May 19, 2017 12:34 AM (mB6Wl)



Bullshit, sir. Respectfully. Or otherwise, they wouldn't be equipping various SAW, GPMG and heavier auto weapon systems with various EOTECH and ACOG derived Red Dot sight systems.

Hathcock set an only recently surpassed long-range sniper kill, from an M-2 Browning heavy machine gun, equipped with a late '60s Leupold sniper scope. His deft touch on the firing butterfly enabled the "single shot" precision required for the feat. That shot was just over one mine, IIRC.

Today's General Purpose Machine Gun can deliver about 1/4 the dispersed Cone of Fire of it's M-60 Pig, Vietnam era counterpart.

It is Aiming Small, and delivering such.



Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim at May 19, 2017 12:42 AM (v5iqM)

401 Okay...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIdXck3TJpA

Posted by: The Political Hat at May 19, 2017 12:42 AM (vBeA5)

402 395. Unfortunately the punchline doesn't feel funny.

Maybe in a Americas funniest home video way, but I am tired of taking the groin shot for someone else's amusement.

Posted by: Bete the deplorable at May 19, 2017 12:43 AM (Ojki1)

403 Did you hear about the guy who couldn't come?

We had to go get him.

Posted by: tcn in AK at May 19, 2017 12:44 AM (NXsWM)

404 White girls under 40. lulz.

Posted by: Who Was Phone? at May 19, 2017 12:48 AM (VnxtC)

405 I'm to the snoozer, y'all.


Hasta la nite nite, Horde!


Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim at May 19, 2017 12:49 AM (v5iqM)

406 I know who I'd pickPosted by: Ignoramus at May 19, 2017 12:00 AM (pV/54)

---
Kay Parker...

next question please.


Posted by: redc1c4 at May 19, 2017 12:40 AM (mB6Wl)

Andrea Tantaros.

Posted by: Country Boy at May 19, 2017 12:55 AM (Jcg9Q)

407 Here is joke --- Donald Trump as Presdent !!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Mary Clogginstien from Brattleboro, VT at May 19, 2017 12:56 AM (WmgTn)

408 151 Does anyone remember sausage?
Posted by: Venezuelan Led Zeppelin fan


Where's that confounded sausage?

Posted by: Venezuelan Led Zeppelin super fan at May 19, 2017 01:00 AM (LMcFk)

409 And with Andrea on the brain now I guess it's time to call it a night.

Nite all.

Posted by: Country Boy at May 19, 2017 01:03 AM (Jcg9Q)

410 Here is joke --- Donald Trump as Presdent !!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Mary Clogginstien from Brattleboro, VT at May 19, 2017 12:56 AM (WmgTn)

But the joke's not on you, Mary. Probably on Melania about now.

I wonder if cats like peanut butter?

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at May 19, 2017 01:03 AM (0deF2)

411 Out dancing. Lots of cute girls, all too young, and the room is a sauna.

Posted by: Colorado Alex in Exile at May 19, 2017 01:05 AM (3SEpW)

412 I'm in late with this joke, but with all of the fake news and news about fake news, here goes:

Two old pensioners are sitting in Gorky Park reading Prada. One comrade comes to a huge article about cabbage. Four pages. Pictures of young pioneers bringing in the harvest. Smiling collective farmers out in the field. Recipes. Statistics of the record year and tips on preparation and where to find the best cabbage.

He folds up his paper, and says, "Well, tovarich, I see the wheat crop failed again."

And that joke is the companion to Kevin Williamson's article two days ago called "How to Read the Newspaper". Because our media is now worse than Soviet propaganda, and serves the same evil ideology.

Posted by: Bluesman at May 19, 2017 01:06 AM (5fP0D)

413 Wasn't kay parker mother of the year in the late seventies?

Posted by: Colorado Alex in Exile at May 19, 2017 01:06 AM (3SEpW)

414 "Pravda".

Posted by: Bluesman at May 19, 2017 01:07 AM (5fP0D)

415 Posted by: Ignoramus at May 19, 2017 12:13 AM (pV/54)



Mueller can only go after things in his Russian connection mandate, else
he has to go back to the AG (now the #2, because of Sessions' recusal).

Comment not directed at you personally, but the situation. How delicate we must be in the swamp filled with alligators ==Mueller on a leash. Sessions' recusal, forces it to the AG. Heck Sessions is DOJ he may be recused but what's to prevent him from installing a new #2. But then again if Lieberman is a serious consideration what's the point. 2 cents. End.

I can never remember jokes. Appreciate them. The beauty of that is I can reread them and appreciate them over and over.

Posted by: gracepc at May 19, 2017 01:09 AM (OU4q6)

416 414 Wasn't kay parker mother of the year in the late seventies?
Posted by: Colorado Alex in Exile at May 19, 2017 01:06 AM (3SEpW)

---------

*gulp*

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at May 19, 2017 01:09 AM (TRzoP)

417 Well, time for bed. Night, all.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at May 19, 2017 01:13 AM (0deF2)

418 The post screwing up the margins was garbage, so I deleted it

Posted by: Weirddave at May 19, 2017 01:16 AM (jxEDE)

419 just the punchline?

Oh, I forgot. Your brother has the car tonight.

Posted by: OneEyedJack at May 19, 2017 01:17 AM (z79tQ)

420 And Mother Superior says Ten Bucks, same as in town.

Posted by: OneEyedJack at May 19, 2017 01:17 AM (z79tQ)

421 and the dentist says "well make up your mind cause I have to adjust the chair"

Posted by: OneEyedJack at May 19, 2017 01:19 AM (z79tQ)

422 No Nurse! I said prick his boil!

Posted by: OneEyedJack at May 19, 2017 01:20 AM (z79tQ)

423 two questions:

what exactly to do after the coup?

the left has been winning at least since fdr threatened to pack the court, because we won't fight fire with fire because we're nice, naive rule-followers. What do we do about it? I don't want to form an Antifa of the right. What do we do?

please don't say more donations, you buncha milquetoasts...

Posted by: spoonfeed me at May 19, 2017 01:23 AM (tJ4VQ)

424 What do call a guy with no arms or legs that just hangs around?

Art.

Posted by: Adriane the Good Humor Critic ... at May 19, 2017 01:26 AM (AoK0a)

425 ..."please don't say more donations, you buncha milquetoasts..."
-Posted by: spoonfeed me at May 19, 2017 01:23 AM (tJ4VQ)

#1. Dominate.

#2. Shoot the wounded?

I'm just spitballin', here.

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 19, 2017 01:27 AM (6gk0M)

426 okay, this ont is so...whatever that my ability to...whatever will be deferred until 545pt.

night

Posted by: JEM at May 19, 2017 01:28 AM (TppKb)

427 please don't say more donations, you buncha milquetoasts...

Posted by: spoonfeed me at May 19, 2017 01:23 AM (tJ4VQ)


you say "after the coup", not before.

You're unwilling to meet them on their own terms.

We're the milquetoasts

hmmmm...

Posted by: OneEyedJack at May 19, 2017 01:30 AM (z79tQ)

428 I don't know what is going to happen, so apologies for my hyperbole. The (R) Party has failed me, so I am going to defend my little corner of Heaven on Earth until it comes to something worse.

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 19, 2017 01:31 AM (6gk0M)

429 ...and how can we possibly be certain that any sort of "coup" will succeed?

We can't, because I believe it won't.

It'll be another Governmental, 'investigational' dead-end.

So there's that.

Otherwise? Pray the shootin' stops sooner rather than later.

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 19, 2017 01:35 AM (6gk0M)

430 A rabbi and a minister were playing golf.

The rabbi was having a bad day on the greens and as usual knocked the ball right past the hole -- so he yelled, "Shit, missed again!"

The minister was shocked that a holy man could use such language, but to be polite he didn't say anything about it.

But on the very next hole the rabbi flubbed the putt, and yelled, "Shit, missed again!"

The minister couldn't take it any more. He scolded the rabbi, "If you swear like that one more time, God will strike you down!"

The rabbi grumbled and stomped off to the next tee. But just as before, when he got to the green, his putt sailed past the hole, and he yelled even louder this time, "Shit, missed again!"

Immediately the sky darkened. Clouds rolled in from nowhere. And in a devastating flash, a lightning bolt came down from the heavens -- and struck the minister dead.

A deep, thunderous voice emanated from on high and echoed across the golf course: "Shit, missed again!"

Posted by: zombie at May 19, 2017 01:37 AM (DQ4Fv)

431 Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

There's a good argument that the coup has happened. But as long as the lights are on and there's food to eat..

Posted by: OneEyedJack at May 19, 2017 01:40 AM (z79tQ)

432 "Shit, missed again!"

Posted by: zombie at May 19, 2017 01:37 AM (DQ4Fv)


Heh.
Don't you sleep?

Posted by: OneEyedJack at May 19, 2017 01:42 AM (z79tQ)

433 Okay, this one's bad...

Whaddya call two alter boys with no arms and no legs?

Neal and Bob.

Posted by: OneEyedJack at May 19, 2017 01:44 AM (z79tQ)

434 Two whales are swimming in the North Pacific when the male whale sees the fishing boat that killed his Father.

"We'll gulp air, swim under them, expel it and capsize that damned boat!"

The plan is executed flawlessly as the vessel is capsized.

As some of the fishermen swim their way toward a shoreline, the male whale says:

"We've got to go eat them. They shouldn't survive!"

The female whale stops dead in her tracks and says:

"Listen, I was fine with the Blow-Job, but if you think I'm swallowing seamen, you're out of your mind.

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 19, 2017 01:53 AM (6gk0M)

435 What are the four things wrong with Soviet agriculture?

Spring, summer, winter and fall.

Posted by: The Gipper Lives at May 19, 2017 02:02 AM (Ndje9)

436 oops, my bad cis math....0 .94% errors. I apoligize
to Miley and will gladly fund a cigar, a dildo, or a vacation with cute
14 year old Tahitian boys to make amends.

Posted by: colfax mingo at May 18, 2017 10:44 PM (FLjWH)

I wrote "BD" instead of "BC." So yeah, typo.
Are those the only choices I have? No cash awards?

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 19, 2017 02:04 AM (tHwdc)

437 An Irish priest once told me that when he was young, he trouped around Ireland with his mates. They hitchhiked to a town and spend their school money on booze.

They were waiting to hitch to the next town when a lone hobo came up the road.

His mate said, "do you have a penny for our trip?," mocking the hobo.

The hobo walked past, and dropped some change near the kids, and walked on. No acknowledgement or anything.

Oh... yeah, jokes.

Posted by: weft cut-loop at May 19, 2017 02:11 AM (udajc)

438 There's a good argument that the coup has happened. But as long as the lights are on and there's food to eat..

Posted by: OneEyedJack at May 19, 2017 01:40 AM (z79tQ)

The coup is in the process of happening. It'll be official when Trump is voted out of office in a pure political witch hunt that has never produced any evidence of a crime.

Posted by: Cato the Rebel Without a Party at May 19, 2017 02:12 AM (J+mig)

439 Thanks, Oscar.

Now back to our Regularly Scheduled Program...

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 19, 2017 02:13 AM (6gk0M)

440 I invented a new word for this kind of coup yesterday: Kangacoup. A coup by means of kangaroo court.

Posted by: Cato the Rebel Without a Party at May 19, 2017 02:13 AM (J+mig)

441 you say "after the coup", not before.
You're unwilling to meet them on their own terms.
We're the milquetoasts
hmmmm...
Posted by: OneEyedJack at May 19, 2017 01:30 AM (z79tQ)



Curious what I wrote that made you conclude I'm not willing to meet them on their own terms.

I said "after" referring to the, um, previous post.

Otherwise completely avoided any substantive response.

Awesome.

Posted by: spoonfeed me at May 19, 2017 02:14 AM (tJ4VQ)

442 Pete got home late from his job at the La-Z-Boy factory. Goes to the fridge, cracks open a Bud, then slumps into his La-Z-Boy (which he got at a discount).

"Man, tough day at work today."

"Oh?" says his wife.

"Carl got pulled into the upholstery machine."

"Oh my God! What happened to him? Will he be OK?"

"Yeah, he's fully recovered."

Posted by: Average Guy at May 19, 2017 02:25 AM (LMcFk)

443 OK who's still up and rambling about the ONT?

Terrible day here. At work a kinda cow orker had to leave because her mother in the hospital had problems, thought she was on the way out.

Then found found out an old friend, old board member is basically missing. She fell the other day, aged 80+. The library where she worked called a welfare check when she didn't show up.

She was stuck on the floor between her couch and a coffee table. They took her to the hospital and she was in for a couple of days.

To top it off they condemned her home. She has serious health issues and now no one knows where she is now after being kicked out of her home. This is crazy.

Posted by: Farmer at May 19, 2017 02:28 AM (o/90i)

444 Weirddave: When I first heard the grasshopper/bar joke, his name was "Bob".

Posted by: Shopgirl at May 19, 2017 02:32 AM (jETL9)

445 To top it off they condemned her home. She has serious health issues and now no one knows where she is now after being kicked out of her home. This is crazy.
Posted by: Farmer


Is there a nearby church that can stay the condemnation?

Posted by: weft cut-loop at May 19, 2017 02:33 AM (udajc)

446 You okay, Farmer? Sounds like a bad day.

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 19, 2017 02:33 AM (6gk0M)

447 Stolen joke: Your Sartre joke showed up, without the Sartre part, in "Ninotchka".
Melvyn Douglas botches the telling thereof, getting Garbo to laugh for the first time on film.

Posted by: Shopgirl at May 19, 2017 02:37 AM (jETL9)

448 Posted by: colfax mingo at May 18, 2017 10:44 PM (FLjWH)

Clarification = QA errors are counted only for the QA, which is done when someone sits behind you and observes your work, then they go through some stuff you did earlier for the QA assessment.

They comb through all of our work looking for mistakes outside of the accounts that were QAd. I think they invest more time looking for mistakes than doing the actual work sometimes.

Oh, and I enrolled a kid whose first name was Annoya. No shit.

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 19, 2017 02:37 AM (tHwdc)

449 To top it off they condemned her home. She has
serious health issues and now no one knows where she is now after being
kicked out of her home. This is crazy.

Posted by: Farmer at May 19, 2017 02:28 AM (o/90i)

That's awful! No one who can take her in? Poor woman.

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 19, 2017 02:39 AM (tHwdc)

450 *faded*

G'Night, Ev'ry-Buddy!

*static*

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 19, 2017 02:42 AM (6gk0M)

451 Is there a nearby church that can stay the condemnation?
Posted by: weft cut-loop at May 19, 2017 02:33

I heard they tried to get her into the local homeless place but she would have none of that. She really is bothered by those folks at the library where she works.

I've emailed her grandson, who was my intern, but he lives far away but may know something. It's just distressing not to know what has happened to an old friend.

Posted by: Farmer at May 19, 2017 02:55 AM (o/90i)

452 You okay, Farmer? Sounds like a bad day.
Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1) (T) at May 19, 2017 02:33

I've had better. To top it off when I came home the wife was missing. I knew in the back off my mind she had an apt, but who the heck has a med thing until 6:.30.

I forgot she had an eye apt at 5 at Shopko. When it was 6:30 and she wasn't home I was in a panic. My fault I forgot about the appt but 6:30 is really late for that.

Thanks for asking Slap, it's been a bitch today.

Posted by: Farmer at May 19, 2017 03:06 AM (o/90i)

453 Pete got home late from his job at the La-Z-Boy factory. Goes to the fridge, cracks open a Bud, then slumps into his La-Z-Boy (which he got at a discount).



"Man, tough day at work today."



"Oh?" says his wife.



"Carl got pulled into the upholstery machine."



"Oh my God! What happened to him? Will he be OK?"



"Yeah, he's fully recovered."


I heard the story of Shamus. He worked in a brewery, and one day his coworkers showed up at his house. His wife Mary screamed "What's wrong?"

The foreman shuffled his feet and then said "I'm sorry Mary, we lost Shamus today"

"What happened?", Mary asked.

"He fell into the beer vat and drowned"

"Well", Mary said, "At least it was a quick death".

The foreman shook his head slowly. "I don't think so, he got out 3 times to go to the bathroom".

Posted by: Weirddave at May 19, 2017 03:11 AM (jxEDE)

454 There's a great joke up at NRO, but no one will ever see it.

Posted by: GnuBreed at May 19, 2017 03:14 AM (wTwJ2)

455 That's awful! No one who can take her in? Poor woman.
Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 19, 2017 02:39

Heck, I'd take her in myself for a few days. She has like 8 kids, there should be some support there, I'd hope.

I don't know details but I assume some should help her out. She's very independent, don't know how this will shake out.

Posted by: Farmer at May 19, 2017 03:19 AM (o/90i)

456 Prayer for her Farmer. Hopefully she is at one of her kids' place.

Posted by: Aetius451AD's work phone at May 19, 2017 03:21 AM (AEOkY)

457 Well done, good and faithful coblogger. We all needed a break.

Posted by: Headless Body of Agnew at May 19, 2017 03:24 AM (e1mEI)

458 Prayer for her Farmer. Hopefully she is at one of her kids' place.
Posted by: Aetius451AD's work phone at May 19, 2017 03:21

Thanks Aetius. I've emailed her grandson and maybe he can clue me in. It's just odd she has disappeared and not let any of her friends know what's up.

Posted by: Farmer at May 19, 2017 03:32 AM (o/90i)

459 Johnny Cash is the anti-Yoko. You set the precedent and now it is AoS ONT canon.

Posted by: BourbonChicken at May 19, 2017 03:40 AM (VdICR)

460 Mornin' everyone.

Posted by: Blanco Basura at May 19, 2017 03:48 AM (YEelc)

461 Its not a joke, its Friday
Good morning horde

Posted by: Skip at May 19, 2017 03:53 AM (Ot7+c)

462 I know that it's normal for Skip, but I hate waking up at 0400...

Posted by: Fried Baloney Sandwich at May 19, 2017 04:15 AM (GURcy)

463 of course, buying a car in the old soviet union was more complex. you could save up for 20 years and still have to wait, which the man did. he went to the showroom, picked out the model he wanted, signed the papers and the smiling salesman said "congratulations, comrade, you can pick up your car in 10 years next tuesday." and the man replied, "but i can't make it on tuesday." "why" asked thew incredulous salesman. and the man explained "that's the day the plumber is coming!"

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at May 19, 2017 04:16 AM (WTSFk)

464 [with apologies to reagan, who told that joke better.]

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at May 19, 2017 04:18 AM (WTSFk)

465 For no apparent reason.

http://opiciwines.com/wines/bourbon/

Also for no reason.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glb2U6y-GdU

Posted by: Tim in Illinois at May 19, 2017 04:21 AM (d76uN)

466 What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stu

What do you call a guy with no arms & no legs lying on the porch? Matt

Posted by: bebe's boobs destroy at May 19, 2017 04:24 AM (hscyr)

467 @466

Were doing those again?

In a pool? Bob.
Hanging on a wall? Art

Posted by: Fried Baloney Sandwich at May 19, 2017 04:27 AM (GURcy)

468 Were doing those again?

Better than the "dead baby" jokes.

Posted by: Blanco Basura at May 19, 2017 04:28 AM (YEelc)

469 Good morning horde
Posted by: Skip at May 19, 2017 03:53

Hey Skip,

IIRC you are a devoted composter, as I am. Question here...I have a bucket of oak leaves, now soaked w/ rain. Is that very acidic to use on new plants if I use the water?

Posted by: Farmer at May 19, 2017 04:28 AM (o/90i)

470 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmiFeW1fNtc

One Guy vs a group of fascist thugs. He's triggering them good.

Posted by: Tim in Illinois at May 19, 2017 04:29 AM (d76uN)

471 Why not, I chop up my leaves but do get full ones in there.

Posted by: Skip at May 19, 2017 04:32 AM (Ot7+c)

472 Oh dear - I remember the dead baby jokes from jr. high.
Pitchforks.

Posted by: Fried Baloney Sandwich at May 19, 2017 04:34 AM (GURcy)

473 I start work at 6am, yesterday 5:20am.

Posted by: Skip at May 19, 2017 04:35 AM (Ot7+c)

474 Oak leaves aren't too acidic, T. Should be safe.
Pine straw is the acid producer in my yard. Azaleas & hydrangeas love it, though

Posted by: Fried Baloney Sandwich at May 19, 2017 04:38 AM (GURcy)

475 I know that it's normal for Skip, but I hate waking up at 0400...
Posted by: Fried Baloney Sandwich at May 19, 2017 04:15

Well it's only 3:44 here.

We screwed up today. The dogs get fed around 8 am and 5 pm. Today both J and I fed them at near those times, they got double fed today!

I'm thinking starvation diets tomorrow.

Posted by: Farmer at May 19, 2017 04:39 AM (o/90i)

476 Posted by: Skip at May 19, 2017 04:35 AM (Ot7+c)

I worked as a carpenter for awhile, a long time ago. Work started at 7:30, but I would get there by 6:30, simply because the commute across the San Francisco Bay Bridge was so slow that going early made perfect sense.

6:00am would have been great!

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at May 19, 2017 04:42 AM (rF0hx)

477 Blanco, you on graveyard at your new job?

Posted by: bebe's boobs destroy at May 19, 2017 04:43 AM (hscyr)

478 Blanco, you on graveyard at your new job?

No, ma'am. I'm in Germany this week for the old job. New one starts June 5th.

Posted by: Blanco Basura at May 19, 2017 04:48 AM (YEelc)

479 I don't have oak trees but right across the street there are 4 large oaks which send their leaves over to me .

Posted by: Skip at May 19, 2017 04:48 AM (Ot7+c)

480 LOL, I forgot about dead baby jokes. They were around the time of foreskin jokes and Pollock jokes.

Too bad it's so late, maybe another ONT would be a blast. Tomorrow is my day off, but it's the first in a long time. See you later.

Posted by: Farmer at May 19, 2017 04:49 AM (o/90i)

481 Farmer,
I only feed the poopster once daily - usually around noon - when he tells me to.
Some days, he doesn't bother. I think that's the day after he got into the trashcan? I think he doesn't eat enough, but the vet wants him to lose weight!

He's been getting spoiled lately with walks and visits to play with Hank the ginormous black lab that just moved in next door.

Posted by: Fried Baloney Sandwich at May 19, 2017 04:54 AM (GURcy)

482 Then there's the old standby "shut up" jokes.

Mama, I don't want to see Grandma.

Shut up and dig!

Posted by: Blanco Basura at May 19, 2017 04:59 AM (YEelc)

483 He's been getting spoiled lately with walks and visits to play with Hank the ginormous black lab that just moved in next door.
Posted by: Fried Baloney Sandwich at May 19, 2017 04:54

That's very cool he has a new friend. Our Bailey, ca. 100 lbs lab, just loves little dogs, it's odd. But they just have a blast.

Posted by: Farmer at May 19, 2017 05:00 AM (o/90i)

484 Morning, Peeps.

Posted by: fluffy at May 19, 2017 05:36 AM (jw2Xw)

485
So the democrats have cooled on impeachment per the New York Slimes?

That tells me one thing - they've focu grouped or polled the hell out of the question and discovered that it would cost them seats in the house and senate. Nobody gives a flying fuck that Comey got fired.

Phony bullshit stories ginned up by the glowing yellow journalists don't cut it with people hoping for an economy to take off.

Posted by: E Depluribus Unum at May 19, 2017 05:47 AM (HTdUD)

486 Too late to talk to the night owls.

I'm the early bird and I don't want a worm.

Posted by: fluffy at May 19, 2017 05:48 AM (jw2Xw)

487 485:

uh-huh.

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at May 19, 2017 05:52 AM (WTSFk)

488 indubitably

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at May 19, 2017 05:53 AM (WTSFk)

489 Communism ?
Is that still anyone's fear?

Posted by: Him at May 19, 2017 06:06 AM (F5wLp)

490 Apparently, Sweden has dropped the Assange rape investigation.

Posted by: Mr. Peebles at May 19, 2017 06:07 AM (oVJmc)

491 Blanco, were you ever able to get a SIM card over there for your phone?

Posted by: bluebell at May 19, 2017 06:11 AM (UgVwB)

492 Good morning!

Let's smile and be happy and strike fear in the heart of killjoy leftists everywhere.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at May 19, 2017 06:11 AM (u82oZ)

493
OW!!!!

HEY!!!!!

I feel good,,
Like I knew I would now,

I FEEEEEEELLLLLLLL Nice!
Like sugar and spice now,,

SO GOOD!! SO GOOD!!
I got you,,,

*spins around, does the splits*

HEY!!!!!

Posted by: Maxine Waters' Hair at May 19, 2017 06:17 AM (HSmrB)

494 That tells me one thing - they've focu grouped or polled the hell out of the question and discovered that it would cost them seats in the house and senate. Nobody gives a flying fuck that Comey got fired.


That surprises the hell out of me. I didn't think "the folks" were seeing through this contrived bullshit that well.

I find that to be pretty good news, myself.

Posted by: ScoggDog at May 19, 2017 06:19 AM (fiGNd)

495 NYT: Dems slow calls for impeachment

https://t.co/yfpvi019gc

Shadilay, my dudes.

Posted by: BourbonChicken at May 19, 2017 06:21 AM (VdICR)

496 That surprises the hell out of me. I didn't think "the folks" were seeing through this contrived bullshit that well. I find that to be pretty good news, myself.
Posted by: ScoggDog 


After posting that I went to Breitbart which has latest polling numbers showing no loss of support from republicans.

Concern? Yes.

But no loss of support.

Posted by: E Depluribus Unum at May 19, 2017 06:23 AM (HTdUD)

497 Looks like the Jazz hands pussy grabbing is not a thing anymore, hmmm

Posted by: Jean at May 19, 2017 06:24 AM (9TU00)

498 I am happy-despite the fact that FenSpouse got a warning at work yesterday. He's going too slowly. He only packed 145 items in an hour. The minimum is 185. The desired number is 235. It apparently doesn't make any difference as to the size of bulkiness of the items. FenSpose is not a slacker, Their demands are unreasonable. Three years ago they required 125 items an hour so they numbers go up and up. No wonder they constantly are hiring new people. Their turnover rate with people either getting fired or quitting must be astronomical. Your continued prayers that FenSpouse get another job would be greatly appreciated.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at May 19, 2017 06:27 AM (qES5k)

499 Nood EMT is up

Posted by: Bruce at May 19, 2017 06:47 AM (8ikIW)

500 Blanco, were you ever able to get a SIM card over there for your phone?

No. I decided that I'm only here for a week and I can use email for most of what I need to do, so I'm good.

Thanks for asking.

Posted by: Blanco Basura at May 19, 2017 06:59 AM (4WhSY)

501 455 That's awful! No one who can take her in? Poor woman.
Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at May 19, 2017 02:39

Heck, I'd take her in myself for a few days. She has like 8 kids, there should be some support there, I'd hope.

I don't know details but I assume some should help her out. She's very independent, don't know how this will shake out.
**********
I'd say you could put her down in a well.

But it's obvious she's not a well woman.

baddabish

Posted by: Zombie Don Rickles at May 19, 2017 11:52 AM (611Lm)

502 It's an old WWII joke. A German, a Russian and an American were talking. The German says, "I had to stand in line to buy a ham." The American says, "What's a line?" The Russian says, "What's a ham?"

Posted by: Dave H at May 19, 2017 06:10 PM (QmKuB)

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