aceofspadeshq at gee mail.com
CBD:
cbd.aoshq at gee mail.com
Buck:
buck.throckmorton at protonmail.com
joe mannix:
mannix2024 at proton.me
MisHum:
petmorons at gee mail.com
J.J. Sefton:
sefton at cutjibnewsletter.com
ONT? You Must Be Joking
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for fruit punch. The bartender tells him he'll have to get in line. The man looks around, but there is no punch line.
This Joke's Got Balls
Riddle Me This Question: How do you get a nun pregnant? Answer (highlight to see):Have sex with her 2 Jokes in One
Last Request A rich man is dying. He calls in his priest, his doctor and his lawyer and tells them "They say you can't take it with you, but they're wrong." He gives each man an envelope. "There is $1 million in each envelope. At my funeral, just before they shovel the dirt in, I want each of you to toss your envelope into my grave". The three men solemnly agree. The next day, the man dies. At his funeral, just before the gravediggers fill the grave, three envelopes bounce off the casket. Silently, the three men watch until the job is done, then they go out for a drink. After a couple of shots, the priest starts to feel guilty. "Gentlemen", he says" I have a confession to make. The orphanage was in big financial trouble. I took $200K out of the envelope to balance the books and fix the furnace. If I hadn't have done that, the orphanage would have had to close. I only threw $800K in." The other two men are slient, and then the doctor sighs and chimes in "I took $400K to fix the hospital's roof. It's the only hospital in a hundred miles, if I hadn't have done that, it would have closed and the community would be without medical care. I only threw in $600K." The doctor and the priest look at each other, and then at the lawyer. The lawyer shakes his head and puts down his drink. "Gentlemen, no matter how worthy the causes, what you did was wrong. Phil was my client," he looks at the doctor, "and your patient, and your parishioner", nodding at the priest. "We were given a solemn charge, to fulfill his last request, and the two of you broke it." The doctor and the priest are looking down at the floor in shame. The lawyer picks up his drink. "I can think of lots of worthy things to do with the money, but it didn't belong to me. That's why I threw in my personal check for the full one million dollars".
Jinkies!
This is What "Fiendishly Clever" Means
My Wife's Favorite Joke It seems that after Leif Erikson left the settlement in Newfoundland, he went back to his old village in Iceland. Much to his surprise, he found that he couldn't participate in the village council-he couldn't even vote! Disturbed, he went to the village clerk to find out why. The clerk investigated, and came back and told him he wasn't on the village rolls anymore. "I'm sorry, we must have taken Leif off our census"
It's Great to Lay on One in the Summer
Feghoot Click here for the greatest joke of all time Tonight's ONT brought to you by trolling the teacher:
Comments
(Jump to bottom of comments)Posted by: eleven at December 27, 2018 09:46 PM (NLLmE)
Posted by: garrett at December 27, 2018 09:46 PM (5TQX6)
Posted by: eleven at December 27, 2018 09:46 PM (NLLmE)
Posted by: hogmartin at December 27, 2018 09:46 PM (t+qrx)
Posted by: hogmartin at December 27, 2018 09:47 PM (t+qrx)
Posted by: hogmartin at December 27, 2018 09:47 PM (t+qrx)
Posted by: Liberty at December 27, 2018 09:48 PM (MmlEs)
Posted by: Just Sayin' at December 27, 2018 09:49 PM (Zw73O)
Posted by: Calm Mentor at December 27, 2018 09:49 PM (ffYR/)
Posted by: Zettai Roshia-no Botto at December 27, 2018 09:50 PM (CLcKT)
Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at December 27, 2018 09:51 PM (dKiJG)
Posted by: Gref at December 27, 2018 09:51 PM (AMIL/)
Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at December 27, 2018 09:52 PM (BJlbN)
Posted by: Mark Andrew Edwards at December 27, 2018 09:53 PM (xJa6I)
Posted by: Deaf Mute Indian in Fox Hole at December 27, 2018 09:53 PM (5TQX6)
Posted by: redc1c4 at December 27, 2018 09:53 PM (zJ7J0)
seemed weird
Posted by: REDACTED at December 27, 2018 09:54 PM (L/iaS)
Posted by: hogmartin at December 27, 2018 09:55 PM (t+qrx)
The greatest joke of all time?
Here it is (well, it's the story of the greatest joke of all time):
https://www.youtube. com/watch?v=sdWGlJrG6sQ
Posted by: Gref at December 27, 2018 09:55 PM (AMIL/)
Posted by: Little Lupe Occupied Cervix at December 27, 2018 09:56 PM (UFLLM)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 09:56 PM (RfzVr)
Posted by: Duke Lowell at December 27, 2018 09:56 PM (gC2IV)
Posted by: Gref at December 27, 2018 09:56 PM (AMIL/)
Posted by: hogmartin at December 27, 2018 09:56 PM (t+qrx)
He appears to be the only one in costume unless all of the others came dressed as "slacker".
Too bad no "hookers"
Posted by: Blue Bird of F'ing Joy at December 27, 2018 09:57 PM (lD3vL)
Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at December 27, 2018 09:57 PM (BJlbN)
Posted by: Off the reservation at December 27, 2018 09:57 PM (vWMNq)
Posted by: Kindltot at December 27, 2018 09:57 PM (mUa7G)
Posted by: Little Lupe Occupied Cervix at December 27, 2018 09:57 PM (UFLLM)
Posted by: Lump at December 27, 2018 09:57 PM (gU66x)
Posted by: Kindltot at December 27, 2018 09:58 PM (mUa7G)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 09:56 PM (RfzVr)
Onion rings are vegetable donuts.
Posted by: hogmartin at December 27, 2018 09:58 PM (t+qrx)
mid-to low 40's and fairly windy too.
damn good thing i busted up a bunch of firewood this afternoon and that i'm not homeless.
Posted by: redc1c4 at December 27, 2018 09:59 PM (zJ7J0)
Posted by: Quint at December 27, 2018 10:02 PM (n13/j)
Posted by: Off the reservation at December 27, 2018 10:02 PM (vWMNq)
Posted by: bluebell ~ winter NoVaMoMe is coming at December 27, 2018 10:03 PM (U5tDi)
Posted by: Quint at December 27, 2018 10:03 PM (n13/j)
mid-to low 40's and fairly windy too.
damn good thing i busted up a bunch of firewood this afternoon and that i'm not homeless.
Posted by: redc1c4 at December 27, 2018 09:59 PM (zJ7J0)
------------
Same here in middle Tennessee. Oh, and gas is $1.84 a gallon here though.
Posted by: Duke Lowell at December 27, 2018 10:03 PM (gC2IV)
Posted by: hogmartin at December 27, 2018 10:04 PM (t+qrx)
Posted by: Jim S. at December 27, 2018 10:05 PM (ynUnH)
Posted by: Skandia Recluse at December 27, 2018 10:05 PM (kJWoP)
Posted by: Duke Lowell at December 27, 2018 10:03 PM (gC2IV)
$1.84 doesn't even cover the gas tax here in Cali.
Posted by: DR.WTF at December 27, 2018 10:06 PM (T71PA)
Posted by: garrett at December 27, 2018 10:06 PM (D986x)
Which version of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer do you remember?
The original version with the song "Fame & Fortune," or the changed version with the song "We're A Couple of Misfits?"
Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at December 27, 2018 10:07 PM (4SX9y)
Posted by: Jim S. at December 27, 2018 10:07 PM (ynUnH)
Posted by: garrett at December 27, 2018 10:06 PM (D986x)
Falafel is unappealing beignets.
Posted by: hogmartin at December 27, 2018 10:07 PM (t+qrx)
https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/1078352086654431235
https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/1078352187942686720
https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/1078352287209263104
https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/1078352395095154689
https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/1078352486266740736
Posted by: kbdabear at December 27, 2018 10:07 PM (0Ntuf)
Posted by: Duke Lowell at December 27, 2018 10:08 PM (gC2IV)
https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/1078352584782561280
https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/1078352698997649408
https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/1078352823786590209
https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/1078352950769184768
https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/1078353054003617794
Posted by: kbdabear at December 27, 2018 10:09 PM (0Ntuf)
Posted by: torabora at December 27, 2018 10:09 PM (Y274z)
Posted by: torabora at December 27, 2018 10:09 PM (Y274z)
44
Which version of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer do you remember?
The one where he shivs the a-holes who would not let him join in any reindeer games. Lotta venison offered up in that one!
Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at December 27, 2018 10:09 PM (pNxlR)
Posted by: Jim S. at December 27, 2018 10:10 PM (ynUnH)
Posted by: westminsterdogshow at December 27, 2018 10:10 PM (c1nDO)
I like lawyer jokes.
You're locked in a cage with a lawyer, a snarling tiger, and a coiled boa constrictor. Fortunately, you have a gun with two bullets. What do you do? Answer: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Posted by: Blonde Morticia at December 27, 2018 10:11 PM (oGNNA)
Apply as applicable.
Howdy g'd'ev'n Moronettes, Morons, lurkers, trolls, people who stumbled into the barrel and can't figure how to get out, and Bob and Edna at the NSA.
Posted by: mindful webworker - I gotcher joke right here... um.. wait... at December 27, 2018 10:11 PM (AUv2D)
They are both concerned with how many inches and how long will it last.
Posted by: paleRider at December 27, 2018 10:11 PM (eASYU)
$1.84 doesn't even cover the gas tax here in Cali.
Posted by: DR.WTF at December 27, 2018 10:06 PM (T71PA)
--------------
When are you guys marching on Sacramento?
Posted by: Duke Lowell at December 27, 2018 10:11 PM (gC2IV)
Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at December 27, 2018 10:11 PM (pNxlR)
The greatest joke of all time?
Here it is (well, it's the story of the greatest joke of all time):
https://www.youtube. com/watch?v=sdWGlJrG6sQ
Posted by: Gref
That would be the deadliest joke of all time. It can now be found deep with in Area 51, protected by a force field and time travelling unicorns. Shh, keep that on the down low.
Posted by: Puddleglum at December 27, 2018 10:11 PM (WNAuL)
What movie did she want to see?
"Closed for the Winter"
Posted by: kbdabear at December 27, 2018 10:11 PM (0Ntuf)
Oh ho ho, I remember that snake joke.
I'm still in the middle of reading it ... it's very long.
Posted by: Off the reservation at December 27, 2018 10:12 PM (vWMNq)
https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/1078357419120619522
https://twitter.com/kbdabear/status/1078358488177348608
Posted by: kbdabear at December 27, 2018 10:13 PM (0Ntuf)
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
One, if it knows its Gödel number.
Posted by: Jim S. at December 27, 2018 10:13 PM (ynUnH)
Hillary: still nacho President!
Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at December 27, 2018 09:57 PM (BJlbN)
This takes away the sting a bit.
Posted by: eleven at December 27, 2018 10:13 PM (NLLmE)
"A Jew and a black woman visit the Country Club. If we had a horse and a priest, we could do the whole joke."
-- Artie (Warehouse 13)
Can someone tell me the joke? I've never heard it.
Posted by: Skandia Recluse at December 27, 2018 10:13 PM (kJWoP)
Fingerprints.
Posted by: Jim S. at December 27, 2018 10:14 PM (ynUnH)
Posted by: musical jolly chimp at December 27, 2018 10:14 PM (Pg+x7)
The one with Godzilla. It was 30 seconds long.
Posted by: Puddleglum at December 27, 2018 10:14 PM (WNAuL)
Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at December 27, 2018 10:14 PM (bQtop)
Posted by: San Franpsycho at December 27, 2018 10:14 PM (EZebt)
Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at December 27, 2018 10:14 PM (pNxlR)
Well dressed patron comes in, orders 15 year old scotch
Bartender grabs a bottle off the rack, pours, hands it to the patron
Patron sips, makes a foul face, says it's only 7 year old scotch
Drunk keeps watching
Bartender grabs a dusty bottle off the back shelf, pours
Patron sips, makes a face, says it's only 12 year old scotch
Drunk pushes glass over to patron, says drink this
Patron drinks, spits out, gags, yells at the drunk what the fuck was that? It tastes like piss!
Drunk... exactly, sir.... can you tell me how old I am?
Posted by: Martini Farmer at December 27, 2018 10:14 PM (3H9h1)
Posted by: Little Lupe Occupied Cervix at December 27, 2018 10:15 PM (UFLLM)
St. Pete tells them, "Well, you've certainly led exemplary lives, but there's a short test before you get into heaven."
Surprised, the nuns just nod.
He turns to the first.
"Who was the first man on earth?"
"Adam, of course."
Trumpets blew, the angels sang, and the pearly gates swung open
Second nun. "Who was the first woman on earth?"
"Eve, of course."
Trumpets blew, angels sang, the pearly gates swung open.
To the third nun... "And what were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
The stunned nun was flabbergasted! She had a confused look on her face. She said, "My, that's a hard one."
Trumpets blew, the angels sang....
Posted by: MarkY at December 27, 2018 10:16 PM (ZQjTJ)
Posted by: dumb jokes everyone knows at December 27, 2018 10:17 PM (f3C8a)
Walks past the other patrons ...
Walks past the waitresses...
Walks past the bartender...
Slams open the kitchen doors, walks win and yells at the short order cook, "Pour me scotch and soda!"
Now the cook is busy with the salads and the little pretzels and some appetizers, but the guy just yells at him again, "and gimme a twist of lemon!"
So the cook puts down the trays and wipes his hands and says, "Mister, I'm just a cook. The drinks are out there."
And the guys says, "Well duh, I'm a lawyer. Of course I passed the bar!"
Posted by: Adriane the War is Bad, Slavery is Worse Critic ... at December 27, 2018 10:18 PM (LPnfS)
Posted by: jbspry at December 27, 2018 10:18 PM (d/n9j)
Posted by: wing at December 27, 2018 10:18 PM (JFzNN)
Posted by: musical jolly chimp at December 27, 2018 10:18 PM (Pg+x7)
Posted by: kbdabear at December 27, 2018 10:19 PM (0Ntuf)
Posted by: Duke Lowell at December 27, 2018 10:20 PM (gC2IV)
>>only one, but the light bulb has to really *want* to change
Posted by: Vanya at December 27, 2018 10:20 PM (Z/XEV)
Posted by: Yudhishthira's Dice at December 27, 2018 10:20 PM (5aX2M)
Posted by: paleRider at December 27, 2018 10:20 PM (eASYU)
Posted by: Asscheeks of Saturn at December 27, 2018 10:20 PM (7KFPB)
Posted by: musical jolly chimp at December 27, 2018 10:20 PM (Pg+x7)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 10:20 PM (RfzVr)
Posted by: Dr. T at December 27, 2018 10:21 PM (Vgw1E)
Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at December 27, 2018 10:21 PM (bQtop)
He wanted to find Pooh.
That's about my speed. I think that might be the only joke I know.
Posted by: Gem at December 27, 2018 10:21 PM (XoAz8)
They're using lawyers in scientific experiments now. There are certain things rats simply refuse to do.
Posted by: Blonde Morticia at December 27, 2018 10:21 PM (oGNNA)
Posted by: Duke Lowell at December 27, 2018 10:11 PM (gC2IV)
===
It's so hot there. Can't we just use missiles?
Posted by: San Franpsycho at December 27, 2018 10:22 PM (EZebt)
The one with the sticker that says Idaho.
Posted by: davidt at December 27, 2018 10:22 PM (jGvbj)
Posted by: logprof at December 27, 2018 10:22 PM (cUFK6)
Oh, yeah. I keep meaning to get around to reading that....
Posted by: mindful webworker - passed tents at December 27, 2018 10:22 PM (cJ00e)
Posted by: Asscheeks of Saturn at December 27, 2018 10:22 PM (7KFPB)
Posted by: Fritz at December 27, 2018 10:22 PM (w1awA)
Trumpets blew, the angels sang....
Posted by: MarkY at December 27, 2018 10:16 PM (ZQjTJ)
LOL.
Posted by: rickl at December 27, 2018 10:23 PM (sdi6R)
After the guy leaves, the lawyer realizes there are actually 2 bills stuck together.
An ethical dilemma arises....
should he tell his partner?
Posted by: MarkY at December 27, 2018 10:23 PM (ZQjTJ)
Posted by: Asscheeks of Saturn at December 27, 2018 10:23 PM (7KFPB)
Posted by: Vanya at December 27, 2018 10:23 PM (Z/XEV)
Posted by: musical jolly chimp at December 27, 2018 10:24 PM (Pg+x7)
I was wrong. The original Rudolph, 1964, had the "Were A Couple of Misfits" song.
1965 the song changed to "Fame And Fortune," for 28 years.
In '93, CBS decided to air the version with the original "We're A Couple of Misfits" song.
Then in 2005, CBS began to air a terribly edited version of Rudolph.
Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at December 27, 2018 10:24 PM (4SX9y)
Posted by: Dr. T at December 27, 2018 10:24 PM (Vgw1E)
Posted by: Mr Aspirin Factory at December 27, 2018 10:24 PM (nDe2U)
Posted by: logprof at December 27, 2018 10:24 PM (cUFK6)
It's late at night, and all the roadside motels are full, except for one. The manager says he has a room for two of the men, but the third guy will have to sleep in the barn.
The Indian guy says he'll sleep in the barn. Two minutes later, there's a knock on the door of the motel room. It's the Indian guy, who says he can't sleep in the barn because there's a cow in there. So the Jewish guy says he'll sleep in the barn.
Two minutes later, there's a knock on the door of the motel room. It's the Jewish guy, who says he can't sleep in the barn because there's a pig in there. The Polish guy then says he'll sleep in the barn.
Two minutes later, there's a knock on the door of the motel room. It was the cow and the pig.
Posted by: mercenary13 at December 27, 2018 10:25 PM (2XQ0T)
A guy walks into a bar sits down with his pet monkey and has a drink. The monkey jumps up on the bar and eats all of the bar peanuts. He then moves his way down the bar and eats all of the snack popcorn and finally a hard-boiled egg sitting in a jar. Finally he jumps off the bar jumps up on a pool table and swallows the cue ball. At this point the bartender has had enough and starts yelling at the guy about the monkey. The guy apologizes pays for the cue ball and snacks and leaves. A couple of weeks later he walks in sits down and has a drink with his monkey. The bartender eyes the monkey wearily but doesn't say anything. The monkey runs over jumps up on the bar grabs a paw full of peanuts popcorn and a hardboiled egg, shoves it up his ass dumps it out and then runs up on the bar and starts eating all the snacks. The bartender starts yelling about what the hell is going on and the guy apologizes and says "ever since he ate that cue ball a couple of weeks ago he test fits everything before he eats it."
Posted by: In Vino Veritits at December 27, 2018 10:25 PM (UFLLM)
Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at December 27, 2018 10:25 PM (cqNba)
Emo Phillips, 2005:
This morning I received thrilling news: a joke I wrote more than 20 years ago has been voted the funniest religious joke of all time! In case you've missed it, here it is:
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"....
theguardian.com/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion
Posted by: mindful webworker - Epic Sopal at December 27, 2018 10:26 PM (cJ00e)
Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at December 27, 2018 10:26 PM (bQtop)
Posted by: eleven at December 27, 2018 10:27 PM (NLLmE)
Seems like most folks had a 4 day weekend, having had off Monday and Tuesday. Some lucky folks had the whole week. Poor unfortunates like my DIL only had Christmas day off.
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 10:27 PM (RfzVr)
The cops are English
The mechanics are German
The cooks are French
Your lover is Italian
And everything is organized by the Swiss.
In hell
The cops are German
The mechanics are French
The cooks are English
Your lover is Swiss
And everything is organized by the Italians
Posted by: Vanya at December 27, 2018 10:27 PM (Z/XEV)
Posted by: eleven at December 27, 2018 10:28 PM (NLLmE)
A: A new last name
Posted by: logprof at December 27, 2018 10:29 PM (cUFK6)
A guy was plagued by skunks living under his front porch. His neighbor suggested that he spread mothballs around the porch's perimeter.
Done, but three days later, the skunks were still there. So the neighbor suggested he substitute kimchee for the mothballs.
Done, but three days later, the skunks were still there. Exasperated, the neighbor suggested that he substitute lutefisk for the kimchee.
Done, and three days later, no skunks! Guy who owned the porch wanted to know, though, what he could use to get rid of the Norwegians who had started residing there.
Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at December 27, 2018 10:29 PM (pNxlR)
"Dad what does a woman's vagina really look like?"
Dad thinks a minutes and say "Well before sex, a vagina looks like a beautiful rose, just about to bloom".
Son: "What does it look like after sex, Dad?".
Dad thinks a minute, then says "Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?".
Posted by: Calm Mentor at December 27, 2018 10:29 PM (ffYR/)
"How did that happen?" his buddy asks.
Guy answers, "I found an old lamp and rubbed it and a genie appeared. He said, 'I can grant you one wish, for whatever you desire."
"What did you say?"
"No shit!"
Posted by: Dr. T at December 27, 2018 10:29 PM (Vgw1E)
Posted by: eleven at December 27, 2018 10:27 PM (NLLmE)
Yes it does.
Posted by: rickl at December 27, 2018 10:30 PM (sdi6R)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 10:30 PM (RfzVr)
Posted by: Madame Defarge at December 27, 2018 10:30 PM (wWUkD)
Verified account @realDonaldTrump
4h4 hours ago
CNN others within the Fake News Universe were going wild about my signing MAGA hats for our military in Iraq and Germany. If these brave young people ask me to sign their hat, I will sign. Can you imagine my saying NO? We brought or gave NO hats as the Fake News first reported!
Posted by: mikeyG at December 27, 2018 10:31 PM (LL1Be)
Posted by: Vanya at December 27, 2018 10:32 PM (Z/XEV)
Seems like most folks had a 4 day weekend, having had off Monday and Tuesday. Some lucky folks had the whole week. Poor unfortunates like my DIL only had Christmas day off.
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 10:27 PM (RfzVr)
I used vacation days on Mon and Wed. Going back today was brutal. The six other people on the train with me were pretty grumpy, too. Another four day weekend ahead, tho!
Posted by: Gem at December 27, 2018 10:32 PM (XoAz8)
Posted by: Off the reservation at December 27, 2018 10:33 PM (vWMNq)
Posted by: garrett at December 27, 2018 10:34 PM (D986x)
Posted by: logprof at December 27, 2018 10:34 PM (cUFK6)
One of the violists approached him and said "Look, I know the scores really well- how about letting me sub as conductor?'
The desperate manager agreed and he led the orchestra for a week until a new conductor arrived. The next night, the violist took his usual place in the string section.
"Dude!" said the other violist "Where the hell have you been?"
Posted by: Sal at December 27, 2018 10:34 PM (wR64M)
Monkey cue ball joke.
I just tried to read that out loud to my wife and couldn't stop laughing to finish it.
Thanks.
Posted by: DR.WTF at December 27, 2018 10:34 PM (T71PA)
Posted by: tbodie at December 27, 2018 10:35 PM (BBhgz)
Seems like most folks had a 4 day weekend, having had off Monday and Tuesday. Some lucky folks had the whole week. Poor unfortunates like my DIL only had Christmas day off.
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 10:27 PM (RfzVr)
I only had Christmas Day off, but that's OK. Work was pretty light, and it's not like I had anything better to do.
Posted by: rickl at December 27, 2018 10:35 PM (sdi6R)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 10:35 PM (RfzVr)
Posted by: Off the reservation at December 27, 2018 10:33 PM (vWMNq)
-----------
Let me guess. You just got to the end of the snake joke?
Posted by: bluebell ~ winter NoVaMoMe is coming at December 27, 2018 10:36 PM (U5tDi)
First link, sadly the one on the left looks little bit porcine what with that nose ring.
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at December 27, 2018 10:36 PM (fDU8w)
107 I made this one up myself:
Q: Which classical composer is hardest to find?
A: Haydn
Posted by: logprof at December 27, 2018 10:24 PM (cUFK6)
Take that Bach, right now!
Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at December 27, 2018 10:36 PM (pNxlR)
She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "How could you do this to me? Haven't I been a wonderful mother and grandmother? I give tzedakah, I light the candles every Shabbos, I do everything you ask! What did I do to deserve this?"
Another wave comes out of nowhere, knocks her on her ass again, and after it recedes, her grandson is there, smiling, splashing around like nothing happened.
Bubbie shakes her head, stares up at the heavens and yells, "A hat. He had A HAT!"
Posted by: hogmartin at December 27, 2018 10:36 PM (t+qrx)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 10:36 PM (RfzVr)
His buddy runs away, finds a game warden and leads him to the bears. He points out the one that swallowed his friend. Game warden thinks for a second... And shoots the female bear. Guy is confused.
"Why'd you do that? I told you where he was!"
Warden says, "Would you believe a guy who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
Posted by: Vanya at December 27, 2018 10:37 PM (Z/XEV)
Posted by: Jabroni at December 27, 2018 10:37 PM (iY6c1)
Max Bialystok: That's our Hitler!!!
Posted by: TheQuietMan at December 27, 2018 10:37 PM (SiINZ)
Posted by: Infidel at December 27, 2018 10:38 PM (PF4TZ)
Posted by: Jolo at December 27, 2018 10:38 PM (y09j5)
Posted by: hogmartin at December 27, 2018 10:36 PM (t+qrx)
-----------
Ha!
Posted by: bluebell ~ winter NoVaMoMe is coming at December 27, 2018 10:38 PM (U5tDi)
Posted by: Off the reservation at December 27, 2018 10:38 PM (vWMNq)
What's the difference?
..........skid marks in front of the skunk.
Posted by: Blake - tis the season for grinching at December 27, 2018 10:40 PM (WEBkv)
Three triplets were born in a small Alabama town named Pine Apple ( real town, no joke!).
As they grew, two of the triplets became big fellas and one of the triplets was kinda puny.
One day they walk into the local watering hole, and the bartender, Caleb, axes them three a question.
Caleb: "Since there bees three of ya'll, I gots me a kweshen. Two of youves be kinda big and brawny, and one ofs ya bees kinda puny. Why is dat?
Puny Triplet: " Wells, ya see. Wees was born triplets. Ya know, threes. So those two got to suck on ma, and I has to suck on Pa."
Posted by: Hairyback Guy at December 27, 2018 10:40 PM (Z+IKu)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 10:40 PM (RfzVr)
Posted by: Vanya at December 27, 2018 10:40 PM (Z/XEV)
I'm gonna be a Sooner fan Saturday
Posted by: logprof at December 27, 2018 10:40 PM (cUFK6)
And just as he's about to do the deed, there's a knock at the door... It was an acquaintance of his, and soon enough, both of them were shagging the corpse...
After they'd finished, the first Frenchman asked the second if he'd enjoyed his experience with the dead woman...
The second Frenchman then exclaimed, "You didn't tell me she was dead! I thought she was an American!"
I'll show myself out.
Posted by: Zettai Roshia-no Botto at December 27, 2018 10:42 PM (CLcKT)
A - I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face for my birthday.
Posted by: Tonypete at December 27, 2018 10:43 PM (9rIkM)
A: Haydn
Posted by: logprof at December 27, 2018 10:24 PM (cUFK6)
Take that Bach, right now!
Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at December 27, 2018 10:36 PM (pNxlR)
Not everyone can Handel a joke like that!
Posted by: Comrade Hrothgar at December 27, 2018 10:43 PM (f3oO4)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 10:40 PM (RfzVr)
----------------
Yep.
Posted by: Blake - tis the season for grinching at December 27, 2018 10:43 PM (WEBkv)
Posted by: Duke Lowell at December 27, 2018 10:44 PM (gC2IV)
Her. "Look a wee wee!"
Him. "Oh honey, from now on we'll call this a cock."
Her. "Buddy I've seen a lot of cock, and that's a wee wee."
Posted by: Some rat in the swamp at December 27, 2018 10:44 PM (LOq4H)
The old man just asked you to throw the envelope in, dummy. Like most lawyers, you overthought it.
The linked joke:
Man, we did that joke - with a million variations, and all LOOOOOOOONG - at every campfire at every Boy Scout summer camp we ever went to. Along with "If the foo shits, wear it".But that is the longest one I've ever read.
Posted by: GWB at December 27, 2018 10:44 PM (Ck4aV)
On investigation he finds it's coming out of a mausoleum inscribed Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. He walks in to find a rotting corpse playing a harpsichord.
Amazed he sputtered "are you..
""Quiet ", the figure says "can't you see I'm decomposing? "
Posted by: Northernlurker being f'n insufferable at December 27, 2018 10:45 PM (3icOz)
Posted by: MarkY at December 27, 2018 10:45 PM (ZQjTJ)
Posted by: Chi-Town Jerry at December 27, 2018 10:45 PM (438dO)
Posted by: Duke Lowell at December 27, 2018 10:45 PM (gC2IV)
Posted by: Count de Monet at December 27, 2018 10:45 PM (QLvwG)
"Okay," he tells Gary, "here's the plan. We'll go to each bar and order a drink. We'll drink it, and when the bartender asks us to pay up, you slip this hot dog into my fly and start sucking on the end of it. Everyone'll be so shocked they'll just throw us out, and we'll do that at each bar."
Sure enough, they go to the first bar and order a drink. Bartender asks them to pay up, Gary sticks the hot dog under Dan's belt and starts sucking on it. The bartender gets red-faced. "Get out of here!" he shouts. "We don't want you faggots in here!" So Dan and Gary leave and go to several more bars and repeat the act.
By the seventh or eighth bar, both men are pretty drunk and exhausted. "Dude," says Dan, "I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm feeling pretty out of it."
"I know what you mean," says Gary. "The worst part is, I lost the hot dog three bars ago."
Posted by: Dr. T at December 27, 2018 10:45 PM (Vgw1E)
===
Worked every day, but I'll be off duty New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I might even stay up later than 9pm.
Posted by: San Franpsycho at December 27, 2018 10:46 PM (EZebt)
Posted by: logprof at December 27, 2018 10:40 PM (cUFK6)
Is that the joke or the punch line?
Posted by: GWB at December 27, 2018 10:46 PM (Ck4aV)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 10:36 PM (RfzVr)
I could have taken vacation days if I wanted to, but I'll get paid for unused ones, and as I said, I didn't have anything better to do.
Posted by: rickl at December 27, 2018 10:46 PM (sdi6R)
Posted by: Minnfidel at December 27, 2018 10:47 PM (L3YlV)
Posted by: Count de Monet at December 27, 2018 10:45 PM (QLvwG)
--------------
*nervous glance*
Whatever do you mean?
Posted by: Leonardo DiCaprio at December 27, 2018 10:47 PM (WEBkv)
What's a henway?
Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at December 27, 2018 10:47 PM (pNxlR)
Posted by: rhomboid at December 27, 2018 10:48 PM (QDnY+)
--
Granted it was relatively flat, but 1,000 miles. Damn!
Posted by: Minnfidel at December 27, 2018 10:47 PM
--------------------
I think the pole is like 9000 ft elevation.
Posted by: irright at December 27, 2018 10:49 PM (RVcmP)
The old man just asked you to throw the envelope in, dummy. Like most lawyers, you overthought it.
No. The joke is he wrote a check. He put the money in his account and wrote a check. To a dead guy.
Posted by: Weirddave at December 27, 2018 10:49 PM (JP6CH)
The clerk says "The GI Joes are on aisle three, but I think you're looking for a Ken doll... Barbie comes with Ken."
The girl says "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She fakes it with Ken."
Posted by: Yudhishthira's Dice at December 27, 2018 10:50 PM (5aX2M)
The asks the rabbit if he has a problem with crap sticking to his fur.
The rabbit says no.
So the bears picks him up and wipes his butt with him.
Posted by: Veeshir at December 27, 2018 10:50 PM (nQkFn)
So how many of you had to work this week?
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 10:27 PM (RfzVr)
I had to "work from an alternate location" - meaning home.
Posted by: GWB at December 27, 2018 10:50 PM (Ck4aV)
Make me one with everything.
Posted by: MarkY at December 27, 2018 10:51 PM (ZQjTJ)
Posted by: DR.WTF at December 27, 2018 10:06 PM (T71PA)
--------------
When are you guys marching on Sacramento?
Posted by: Duke Lowell at December 27, 2018 10:11 PM (gC2IV)
They're gonna start marching as soon as they can find enough yellow vests.....
Posted by: Lump at December 27, 2018 10:51 PM (gU66x)
years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at December 27, 2018 10:51 PM (WEBkv)
Posted by: literally serious at December 27, 2018 10:52 PM (1hhNr)
--
A bear and a rabbit are crapping in the woods.
The asks the rabbit if he has a problem with crap sticking to his fur.
The rabbit says no.
So the bears picks him up and wipes his butt with him.
Posted by: Veeshir at December 27, 2018 10:50 PM
-------------------------
Doesn't it make more sense if the rabbit says yes?
I've always heard it the way you said it, though.
Posted by: irright at December 27, 2018 10:52 PM (RVcmP)
Which is why I say he overthought it.
Posted by: GWB at December 27, 2018 10:52 PM (Ck4aV)
Posted by: logprof at December 27, 2018 10:52 PM (cUFK6)
Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at December 27, 2018 10:47 PM (pNxlR)
---------------
In African or European swallows?
Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at December 27, 2018 10:52 PM (WEBkv)
...........
I had just enough vacay left to take off the whole week.. and we get Monday and Tuesday off.. so an eleven day vacation for 3 days of vacation time! Schweet!
Posted by: Chi-Town Jerry at December 27, 2018 10:53 PM (438dO)
Posted by: Off the reservation at December 27, 2018 10:53 PM (vWMNq)
Posted by: Skandia Recluse at December 27, 2018 10:54 PM (kJWoP)
Posted by: qdpsteve at December 27, 2018 10:54 PM (miE9U)
Know what you mean San Franpsycho. I'd love to make every ONT. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 10:54 PM (RfzVr)
Posted by: hogmartin at December 27, 2018 10:36 PM (t+qrx)
===
Mrs. Franpsycho and I both laughed real hard. That hit home. Thanks for that!
Posted by: San Franpsycho at December 27, 2018 10:55 PM (EZebt)
Posted by: Duke Lowell at December 27, 2018 10:55 PM (gC2IV)
Posted by: rickl at December 27, 2018 10:55 PM (sdi6R)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 10:56 PM (RfzVr)
The bartender says, Hey! He's cool. Where'd you get him?
The parrot says, China! There's a billion of 'em.
Posted by: Veeshir at December 27, 2018 10:56 PM (nQkFn)
""Are you kidding? Heck yeah." said the actor.
"Alright then, I'll book you a flight. You get to the airport ASAP. Oh, and the line is 'Hark, is that a canon I hear?' You got it?"
The actor replies, "Yeah., hark is that a canon I hear?"
"Great. Now get going, it's a long flight."
So the actor rushes to his closet to pack some clothes all the while saying "Hark is that a canon I hear? Hark is that a canon I hear?" He gets in his car a drives to the airport, all the while saying to himself, "Hark is that a canon i hear? Hark is that a canon I hear?"
He gets to the airport, where a ticket from his agent is waiting for him. He boards the plane for the 10 hour flight, all the while repeating to himself, "Hark is that a canon I hear? Hark is that a canon I hear?"
The plane lands, he catches a cab to take him to the Royal Albert hall, all the while repeating to himself, "Hark is that a canon I hear? Hark is that a canon I hear?"
The cab pulls up to the theater and he rushes in and is lead backstage to get dressed and have makeup applied. All the while saying to himself, "Hark is that a canon I hear? Hark is that a canon I hear?"
Finally, the time arrives, he walks out on stage, he sees the crowd before him, including the Royal family. Suddenly a bright light hits him in the face and a loud boom rocks the auditorium, he jumps back startled and screams "What the fuck was that?"
Posted by: Darth Randall at December 27, 2018 10:56 PM (p0nVR)
"I had Tolio as a child," said the groom.
"Er, don't you mean Polio?" asked the trembling bride.
"No, Tolio," he replied as he unbuckled his pants and let them drop to the floor.
"And what about your knees?" she inquired lovingly.
"Kneasles," said her groom. "Kneasles?" she asked? "Yes, kneasels, my love," spake the eager groom.
Then with a grin he pulled down his undershorts to display his wedding tackle to his innocent bride.
"Wait, wait!" she exclaimed, "Let me guess!"
"Smallpox!"
Posted by: Count de Monet at December 27, 2018 10:56 PM (QLvwG)
Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at December 27, 2018 10:57 PM (UGqF8)
If you went camping with some guys and woke up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?
No?
Want to go camping?
Posted by: In Vino Veritits at December 27, 2018 10:57 PM (UFLLM)
The brunettes down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the blondes
upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard, and whispered...
"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at December 27, 2018 10:57 PM (WEBkv)
I honestly thought for a long time that Nik Kershaw was German, and speaking English phonetically; that's how strange some of his song phrasing is in this song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTW99Qhs6Kg
Posted by: qdpsteve at December 27, 2018 10:57 PM (miE9U)
Posted by: Berserker-Dragonheads Division at December 27, 2018 10:58 PM (9Om/r)
""If you went camping with some guys and woke up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?
""
Nope, and their murder would remain a mystery.
Posted by: Berserker-Dragonheads Division at December 27, 2018 10:59 PM (9Om/r)
Posted by: ... at December 27, 2018 11:00 PM (4xHCT)
An elderly couple live in a nursing home.
One day, the wife comes in to the rec room to find Ms. Jones giving her husband a handjob.
She freaks out, shouting "How could you do this?! What does Ms. Jones have that I don't?"
He just smiles and says "Parkinson's."
Posted by: Yudhishthira's Dice at December 27, 2018 11:00 PM (5aX2M)
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me...
The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, No, No, I'm sorry, it's my fault entirely. Today is my first day driving a cab... I've been driving a hearse for the last
35 years....
Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at December 27, 2018 11:00 PM (WEBkv)
Posted by: don frese at December 27, 2018 11:00 PM (oQK1k)
Posted by: Eustace Haverkamp at December 27, 2018 11:01 PM (C1NyB)
Posted by: Deplorable Ian Galt at December 27, 2018 11:02 PM (8iiMU)
Then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.
If anybody remembers that whole joke please post it.
Posted by: In Vino Veritits at December 27, 2018 11:02 PM (UFLLM)
Posted by: Anna Puma at December 27, 2018 11:03 PM (GQcg8)
Half an hour later his bride comes slowly down the stairs, sits down and orders coffee, black.
Waitress brings it over and says, "Look honey, I know it's none of my business, but that husband of yours must be 60 years older than you! What's the story?"
"He cheated me. He told me he'd been saving up for 70 years and I thought he was talking about money!"
Posted by: MarkY at December 27, 2018 11:04 PM (ZQjTJ)
WITHOUT EVIDENCE, President Trump claims CNN and other news organizations said he brought MAGA hats to Iraq and Germany military bases.
Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at December 27, 2018 11:04 PM (4SX9y)
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at December 27, 2018 11:04 PM (WEBkv)
Posted by: Burger Chef at December 27, 2018 11:04 PM (RuIsu)
No one wanted to be Miss Idaho
Posted by: westminsterdogshow at December 27, 2018 11:05 PM (c1nDO)
"Listen, American dog! In the first tent is ten gallons of the worst Iraqi wine that exists! You must drink it all!
"In the second tent is a Bengal tiger with a rotten fang! You must remove it, bare handed!
"In the third tent is the most insatiable harlot in all the Middle East! You satisfy her... Or die! Begin, dog!"
The Marine rolls his sleeves up and runs into tent number one. Gasping, drinking, slurping, burping sounds come from it... And the Marine staggers out and walks unsteadily to tent two. Screams, roaring, crashing, banging are heard... The silence...
Then the tent flap is thrown open and the Marine staggers out. Skunk drunk, clothes shredded, he looks at the Al Qaeda leader and says,
"NOW WHERE IS THIS LADY WITH A TOOTHACHE?!"
Posted by: Vanya at December 27, 2018 11:05 PM (Z/XEV)
My local Fake News just told the Dow Jones is "still on track for the worst December since the Great Depression."
Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at December 27, 2018 11:06 PM (4SX9y)
Posted by: BeckoningChasm at December 27, 2018 11:07 PM (l9m7l)
Very good. Taking notes now....
Posted by: MarkY at December 27, 2018 11:08 PM (ZQjTJ)
Posted by: Burger Chef at December 27, 2018 11:04 PM (RuIsu)
And now the music is running through my brain.
Posted by: eleven at December 27, 2018 11:08 PM (NLLmE)
Posted by: BeckoningChasm at December 27, 2018 11:07 PM (l9m7l)
--------
Line on the left, one cross each.
Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at December 27, 2018 11:08 PM (UGqF8)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 11:08 PM (RfzVr)
Posted by: Northernlurker being f'n insufferable at December 27, 2018 11:09 PM (3icOz)
Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at December 27, 2018 11:10 PM (+y/Ru)
Posted by: Vanya at December 27, 2018 11:10 PM (Z/XEV)
Posted by: chavez the hugo at December 27, 2018 11:11 PM (KP5rU)
Posted by: eleven at December 27, 2018 11:12 PM (NLLmE)
I was walking into our local grocery store today and It was getting restocked by a Pepsi truck. As I walked past it, latch on one of the sides opened up and a whole stack of Pepsi bottles fell on me as I was walking past.
Do not worry, I am OK, they were soft drinks.
Posted by: Picric at December 27, 2018 11:12 PM (nonGu)
If it had been anywhere else, it'd be called a teethbrush
Posted by: Vanya at December 27, 2018 11:12 PM (Z/XEV)
A .22 LR pistol. Aim at your hiking partner's kneecap.
Posted by: Kristophr at December 27, 2018 11:12 PM (9759K)
No, I just think its the light reflecting off her shoes.
Posted by: Northernlurker being f'n insufferable at December 27, 2018 11:13 PM (3icOz)
Posted by: Hadrian the Seventh at December 27, 2018 11:14 PM (LsBY9)
Posted by: navybrat, sometime commentater at December 27, 2018 11:14 PM (w7KSn)
Posted by: the Man who Burps in French at December 27, 2018 11:14 PM (9HuGt)
Posted by: Vanya at December 27, 2018 11:14 PM (Z/XEV)
No, I just think its the light reflecting off her shoes.
Posted by: Northernlurker being f'n insufferable at December 27, 2018 11:13 PM (3icOz)
Heh.
Are you back in Alberta, or still in the Uncivilized Eastern districts?
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at December 27, 2018 11:15 PM (fDU8w)
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at December 27, 2018 11:15 PM (VnmhN)
"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asks.
"That's his trunk", she replies.
"No, there in the back"
"That's his tail"
"No. Underneath"
The mother gets flustered, and says "Oh, that's nothing" and hurries him along.
A while later, the boy is with his father, and comes across the same elephant.
"Dad, what's that long thing?"
"That's the elephant's trunk"
"No, there in the back"
"That's the elephant's tail"
"No. Underneath."
"That's the elephant's penis"
The boy says "When I asked Mom, she said it was nothing."
The father sighs deeply, and says "Son, I've spoiled that woman"
Posted by: No One of Consequence at December 27, 2018 11:15 PM (RLzLq)
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at December 27, 2018 11:16 PM (VnmhN)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 11:16 PM (RfzVr)
Posted by: Disembodied Punchlines at December 27, 2018 11:17 PM (UGqF8)
Posted by: Some rat in the swamp at December 27, 2018 11:17 PM (LOq4H)
(Just the punchline)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 11:16 PM (RfzVr)
- Jewish version -
"Look at the schmuck on that camel!"
Also, the jungle joke of the elephant, the mouse, and the pit ...
Mouse: "When you have a Mercedes you don't need a big dick."
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at December 27, 2018 11:18 PM (VnmhN)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 11:16 PM (RfzVr)
"...and the camel halts, turns to look at the rider, and makes a sucking motion with its lips."
(just the punchline)
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at December 27, 2018 11:18 PM (fDU8w)
He sits down with the commander and the commander says " so do you want to join our group,eh?
Well, we have to know something about you first. What do you like?"
What do you mean?
Are you a Drinkin man, because on Mondays we go to the bars and drink the finest ales and whiskeys. Are you a Drinking man?
No, was the reply.
Well are you a Gamblin man? Because on Tuesday nights we play poker throughout the night. Many of Fortune has been won and lost. on Tuesdays. Are you a Gambling Man?
No, the man said again.
Well are you a Whorin' man ? Wednesday, the boys go to the brothel, and screw the finest Whores in the land. Are you a Whorin' Man?
Oh, no!
Well then, if you aren'ta Drinking man, not a Gambling man, and not a Whorin' Man, then what do you like?
You aren't one of those Homosexuals, are you?
Oh No, not me!
Hmmm.
Well, you aren't going to like Thursdays!
Posted by: LeftCoast Dawg at December 27, 2018 11:19 PM (vb5tw)
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at December 27, 2018 11:19 PM (fDU8w)
Posted by: Disembodied Punchlines at December 27, 2018 11:19 PM (UGqF8)
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at December 27, 2018 11:20 PM (VnmhN)
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at December 27, 2018 11:21 PM (VnmhN)
Some are candidates, others hold office.
Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX
Posted by: Jim at December 27, 2018 11:21 PM (QzJWU)
The accountant. He'll be staring at the actuary's shoes.
Posted by: Count de Monet at December 27, 2018 11:21 PM (QLvwG)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 11:22 PM (RfzVr)
(Just the punchline)
Posted by: Sal at December 27, 2018 11:22 PM (wR64M)
Posted by: Disembodied Punchlines at December 27, 2018 11:23 PM (UGqF8)
The next morning the guy comes back to the bar and orders some more shots. The bartender looks at him and says, "look buddy, you were here last night and drank yourself numb. I know times are tough but drinking won't solve your problems." The guy says "It's not problems, I went home last night and blew chunks. I'm just trying to wash that taste out of my mouth." Bartender says "We have all vomited after drinking too much but more liquor isn't the way to clean your mouth." The guy answers "You don't understand Chunks is the name of my dog!"
Posted by: DR.WTF at December 27, 2018 11:24 PM (T71PA)
The old man just asked you to throw the envelope in, dummy. Like most lawyers, you overthought it.
No. The joke is he wrote a check. He put the money in his account and wrote a check. To a dead guy.
-
Was the check post dated?
Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at December 27, 2018 11:25 PM (+y/Ru)
The lawyer is next. Again, the executioner asks "Do you want to go face up or face down?" The lawyer thinks, hey, it worked for the last guy, and chose face up. He's placed into position, and the executioner throws the lever. Again, nothing happens, and the lawyer is set free.
Finally, the engineer is up. He, too, chooses face up. Just as the executioner is about the throw the lever, the engineer shouts "Wait! I see the problem!"
Posted by: No One of Consequence at December 27, 2018 11:25 PM (RLzLq)
Posted by: musical jolly chimp at December 27, 2018 11:26 PM (Pg+x7)
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him three out on the floor.
"This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle."
"How much is the third one?"
"$50,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"It just flaps its wings but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
Posted by: Hadrian the Seventh at December 27, 2018 11:26 PM (LsBY9)
Posted by: Jabroni at December 27, 2018 11:26 PM (iY6c1)
Posted by: Picric at December 27, 2018 11:26 PM (nonGu)
The younger bull is running around saying "C'mon Dad, lets run down there and phuch us us one of them!".
The older bull says " Watch and learn, son. We are going to saunter down there and phuch every one of them".
Posted by: Calm Mentor at December 27, 2018 11:27 PM (ffYR/)
A few minutes later something else flies over. The neurologist jumps up and says, "Hey! I think that's a duck. Looks like a duck. Flies like a duck." He takes a shot and wildly misses. So he sits back down.
A few minutes after something else flies over. THe surgeon jumps up and fires at it, knocking it right out of the sky. He runs over and picks it up and screams back, "Hey guys! Check it out. It's a duck!"
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at December 27, 2018 11:27 PM (VnmhN)
Posted by: eleven at December 27, 2018 11:27 PM (NLLmE)
The first logician says, "I don't know".
The second logician says, "I don't know".
The third logician says, "Yes!"
Posted by: No One of Consequence at December 27, 2018 11:28 PM (RLzLq)
no joke.)
Posted by: musical jolly chimp at December 27, 2018 11:28 PM (Pg+x7)
Posted by: mugiwara at December 27, 2018 11:28 PM (B623R)
Did you just watch Colors, again?
Great movie.
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at December 27, 2018 11:29 PM (VnmhN)
What's 12" long and hangs in front of an asshole?
Answer: A stethoscope
Posted by: No way at December 27, 2018 11:29 PM (hnyqs)
no joke.)
Posted by: musical jolly chimp at December 27, 2018 11:28 PM (Pg+x7)
That guy's got a little too much free time on his hands.
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at December 27, 2018 11:30 PM (VnmhN)
Not a joke but it's a joke:
Former Dem Congressional Candidate Pam Keith Accuses Troops Of Embracing "White Supremacy" For Having Trump Sign Their Hats
Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at December 27, 2018 11:31 PM (aKsyK)
PDT quotes Obama's Pro Border Security Tweet, says
'I Agree!'
OFuckface deletes the Tweet like the crass little pussy he is.
Little bitch probably shit his skivvies.
Posted by: mikeyG at December 27, 2018 11:31 PM (LL1Be)
A lawyer and a blond woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks her if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains how the game works, "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures he will easily win the match, since his opponent is a blonde, so he makes another offer, "Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searches everywhere. .Frustrated, he sends e-mails and texts everyone he knows, with no success. After hours of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, what IS the answer?"Again without a work, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Posted by: RTW at December 27, 2018 11:31 PM (jJlJu)
Posted by: Barrel at December 27, 2018 11:33 PM (D986x)
Mother (in Yiddish accent helps it): The bird? I loved it. It was delicious.
Son: You ate the bird, mom? How could you eat that bird? That bird spoke 7 languages.
Mother: So why didn't he say something?
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at December 27, 2018 11:33 PM (VnmhN)
Posted by: Tom Servo at December 27, 2018 11:33 PM (V2Yro)
-------
Hmm. We'll need lots of immigrants to settle those wide open spaces.
Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at December 27, 2018 11:34 PM (UGqF8)
Posted by: garrett at December 27, 2018 11:34 PM (D986x)
Posted by: DR.WTF at December 27, 2018 11:34 PM (T71PA)
Posted by: Jim at December 27, 2018 11:34 PM (QzJWU)
Posted by: Picric at December 27, 2018 11:34 PM (nonGu)
Posted by: Count de Monet at December 27, 2018 11:34 PM (QLvwG)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 27, 2018 11:34 PM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at December 27, 2018 11:35 PM (UGqF8)
The doctor looks in the guy's ear, reaches in with a pair of forceps and extracts a gooey mess.
"Huh", says the doc, "looks like a suppository."
"Oh!" says the guy. He pulls out his cellphone and makes a call home, "Harriet? I think I know where my hearing aid is."
Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at December 27, 2018 11:35 PM (hnyqs)
Great movie.
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at December 27, 2018 11:29 PM (VnmhN)
-------------
Nope, and it is. That is one of the few jokes that stayed with me.
Posted by: Calm Mentor at December 27, 2018 11:35 PM (ffYR/)
Posted by: Count de Monet at December 27, 2018 11:35 PM (QLvwG)
Makes me wonder what kind of a "job" he works that just lets him take off all the time to fulfill his dreams. Doesn't happen in the real world.
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 11:35 PM (RfzVr)
Are you back in Alberta, or still in the Uncivilized Eastern districts?
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at December 27, 2018 11:15 PM (fDU8w)
Still in the east.
Posted by: Northernlurker being f'n insufferable at December 27, 2018 11:35 PM (3icOz)
Posted by: Yudhishthira's Dice at December 27, 2018 11:36 PM (5aX2M)
Posted by: Off the reservation at December 27, 2018 11:37 PM (vWMNq)
2 Aggies are driving down the road in a new sportscar one just bought, and of course, he wants to show off to his buddy. Sure enough, pretty quick there's the red and blue lights on his tail, so he pulls over. Well, the highway patrolman steps out, but instead of walking right up, he lays down his clipboard, undoes his belt, and starts to unzip his pants.
So one Aggie looks at the other and says "Oh hell, here comes that damn breathalyzer test again!"
Posted by: Tom Servo at December 27, 2018 11:37 PM (V2Yro)
Posted by: Ashley Judd's Puffy Scamper, nee MrCaniac at December 27, 2018 11:38 PM (fdTrp)
Posted by: Count de Monet at December 27, 2018 11:38 PM (QLvwG)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 27, 2018 11:39 PM (PUmDY)
Posted by: garrett at December 27, 2018 11:39 PM (D986x)
Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at December 27, 2018 11:40 PM (aKsyK)
Posted by: Northernlurker being f'n insufferable at December 27, 2018 11:35 PM (3icOz)
I am going to get an early one tonight, because I have to get up at zero dark thirty and make a road trip to cold lake for the funeral of my cousin's wife. It's pretty cold here, but no wind to speak of, and they are predicting maybe 1 centimeter of snowfall, so roads ought to be OK.
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at December 27, 2018 11:40 PM (fDU8w)
1. I know Aaron Rodgers!
2. My truck is paid for!
3. Honest officer! I was just trying to help that calf get over the fence!
Posted by: davidt at December 27, 2018 11:41 PM (jGvbj)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 27, 2018 11:41 PM (PUmDY)
Not a joke but it's a joke:
Former Dem Congressional Candidate Pam Keith Accuses Troops Of Embracing "White Supremacy" For Having Trump Sign Their Hats
Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr.
That's whack, yo!
Posted by: Cynthia McKinney at December 27, 2018 11:42 PM (WNAuL)
So he shot her.
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at December 27, 2018 11:44 PM (fDU8w)
Posted by: Picric at December 27, 2018 11:45 PM (nonGu)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 27, 2018 11:46 PM (PUmDY)
Makes me wonder what kind of a "job" he works that just lets him take off all the time to fulfill his dreams. Doesn't happen in the real world.
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 11:35 PM (RfzVr)
Guys like that, that IS their actual "job". Major sponsorships, endorsement contracts, etc.
Same with professional racing yacht captains and crews.
They don't take off "work" to circumnavigate the globe. They get paid TO circumnavigate the globe.
And if they're paid a LOT more by their sponsors, if they win.
'Cause that "win" will sell a LOT of merchandise, such as winches, sails, navigation gear, cordage and lines... everything you'll find in the highest end boat chandleries.
Stuff is blindingly expensive, too.
Bet Antarctica Boy will sell beaucoup camp stoves, GPS gear, $400 sunglasses and such.
Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX
Posted by: Jim at December 27, 2018 11:46 PM (QzJWU)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 27, 2018 11:46 PM (PUmDY)
She's a fine girl.
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at December 27, 2018 11:48 PM (fDU8w)
Moses and Jesus are golfing and they come to a little par 3 water hole. It's about 180 yards to clear the water so Moses grabs a 6 iron and knocks a beautiful shot onto the green. Jesus grabs an 8 iron and goes to the tee.
Moses stops him and says, "Jesus, what are you doing? You'll never clear that water with an 8 iron." Jesus says, "Arnold Palmer would use an 8 iron so I'm going to use an 8 iron."
Jesus takes a swing and hits a great shot ... right into the water. He grabs another ball to tee up and Moses tells him to switch clubs. Jesus refuses and says, "Arnold Palmer would hit an 8 so I'm going to hit an 8." Again, hits another beautiful shot ... right into the water. Jesus decides to just walk up and go get his balls out of the water.
So goes and starts walking on the water looking for his balls. The foursome behind them sees Jesus walking on the water and grabs Moses and says, "Hey! Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?" Moses answers, "No, Arnold Palmer."
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at December 27, 2018 11:49 PM (VnmhN)
Posted by: stonecutter at December 27, 2018 11:49 PM (mMHxM)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 27, 2018 11:51 PM (PUmDY)
Seals are actually dog mermaids.
Posted by: YIKES! at December 27, 2018 11:52 PM (t6XCL)
Posted by: Burger Chef at December 27, 2018 11:55 PM (RuIsu)
"makes me wonder what kind of "job" he has where he can just take off..."
he started a foundation to inspire kids to be active and healthy. donations and corporate sponsorships cover cost and provide a salary. of course.
foundations - the gifts that keep on giving.
Posted by: musical jolly chimp at December 27, 2018 11:56 PM (Pg+x7)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 27, 2018 11:57 PM (PUmDY)
Posted by: logprof at December 27, 2018 11:57 PM (e7oj4)
Posted by: Burger Chef
-----
OR...a fascination with Penguins
Posted by: Neil Grassy Tyson at December 27, 2018 11:58 PM (hnyqs)
You're welcome, BTW.
Posted by: Weirddave at December 28, 2018 12:00 AM (pM87/)
Both have a greasy box and will never be President.
Posted by: Bill Clinton at December 28, 2018 12:00 AM (y09j5)
Posted by: AnnaS at December 28, 2018 12:02 AM (l4l/z)
Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at December 28, 2018 12:03 AM (hnyqs)
Posted by: Otto (Pilot,retired) at December 28, 2018 12:05 AM (MouFt)
Posted by: Captain Obvious at December 28, 2018 12:05 AM (Hx3Yn)
Posted by: Trimegistus at December 28, 2018 12:06 AM (DXlCB)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 12:06 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Trimegistus at December 28, 2018 12:07 AM (DXlCB)
Posted by: Trimegistus at December 28, 2018 12:07 AM (DXlCB)
Posted by: logprof at December 28, 2018 12:08 AM (e7oj4)
Posted by: eleven at December 28, 2018 12:08 AM (NLLmE)
Posted by: Trimegistus at December 28, 2018 12:09 AM (DXlCB)
Posted by: eleven at December 28, 2018 12:09 AM (NLLmE)
Posted by: Trimegistus at December 28, 2018 12:10 AM (DXlCB)
He came down with mono.
Posted by: qdpsteve at December 28, 2018 12:10 AM (miE9U)
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at December 28, 2018 12:11 AM (fDU8w)
Going to the south pole may indicate an unreasonable fear of Polar Bears.
I don't believe there's any such thing as an *unreasonable* fear of polar bears.
Posted by: Off the reservation at December 28, 2018 12:12 AM (vWMNq)
Posted by: cfo mom at December 27, 2018 11:35 PM (RfzVr)
This guy is beyond this level, but urban and suburban EMT and fireman have a lot of time to travel the world and rock climb. 24 on, 48 off, tase some shifts, suddenly you have a few months off.
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:13 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: eleven at December 28, 2018 12:13 AM (NLLmE)
Posted by: mikeyG at December 28, 2018 12:13 AM (LL1Be)
Posted by: Trimegistus at December 28, 2018 12:07 AM
https://youtu.be/je-M675ZTK4
Posted by: logprof at December 28, 2018 12:14 AM (e7oj4)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 12:15 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: yankeefifth at December 28, 2018 12:15 AM (MTjB1)
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at December 28, 2018 12:15 AM (fDU8w)
Posted by: Trimegistus at December 28, 2018 12:17 AM (DXlCB)
Posted by: yankeefifth at December 28, 2018 12:15 AM (MTjB1)
--------------
When isn't it, anymore on this thread?
Posted by: Calm Mentor at December 28, 2018 12:19 AM (ffYR/)
Posted by: yankeefifth at December 28, 2018 12:15 AM (MTjB1)
Hah. The ladies probably aren't too interested in 50's era man jokes.
Posted by: eleven at December 28, 2018 12:20 AM (NLLmE)
Posted by: Trimegistus at December 28, 2018 12:17 AM (DXlCB)
I tried to play along but I got semi banned for a while there.
Posted by: eleven at December 28, 2018 12:20 AM (NLLmE)
foundations - the gifts that keep on giving.
Posted by: musical jolly chimp at December 27, 2018 11:56 PM (Pg+x7)
A few years ago my wife told me she started a foundation. I told her I'm not spending my time sitting at a desk reading people's request for money, boy did I screw up, I didn't realize I could pay myself to do so. She did explain foundation was the wrong word, she opened a charity account we'd donate to and distribute to charities.
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:20 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: Jean at December 28, 2018 12:21 AM (sFO1P)
Posted by: Jean at December 28, 2018 12:22 AM (sFO1P)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 12:23 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:24 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 12:27 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:13 AM (Rz2Nc)
-----------------
This guy did it right. Website very well done far in advance. Corporate sponsorships from gear makers for funding, obviously.
He will be flooded with appearance requests for speaking engagements and commercials and commercials for sponsors.
He is all set, and good on him.
Posted by: Calm Mentor at December 28, 2018 12:28 AM (ffYR/)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 12:27 AM (PUmDY)
Missed that, reading back at the jokes. Tied up.
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:35 AM (Rz2Nc)
Banana
Posted by: Trimegistus at December 28, 2018 12:09 AM (DXlCB)
There's always money in the banana stand.
Posted by: George Bluth, Sr. at December 28, 2018 12:36 AM (fdTrp)
Posted by: Puddleglum at December 28, 2018 12:36 AM (WNAuL)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 12:36 AM (PUmDY)
He will be flooded with appearance requests for speaking engagements and commercials and commercials for sponsors.
He is all set, and good on him.
Posted by: Calm Mentor at December 28, 2018 12:28 AM (ffYR/)
Oh yes, good for him. Just wondering where he came from. My wife used to rock climb, someone mentioned he set the record for climbing all seven highest peak in each continent, there is a "line" for these places.
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:38 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 12:40 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:41 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: In Exile at December 28, 2018 12:41 AM (v40Ab)
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:38 AM (Rz2Nc)
UberElite gets punted ahead of the line.
It's a prestige thing, even for the Keepers of the Peaks.
Happens in bicycle sports, sailing, you name it.
Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX
Posted by: Jim at December 28, 2018 12:42 AM (QzJWU)
Posted by: In Exile at December 28, 2018 12:41 AM (v40Ab)
Lucky you.
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:44 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 12:44 AM (PUmDY)
It's a prestige thing, even for the Keepers of the Peaks.
Happens in bicycle sports, sailing, you name it.
Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX
Posted by: Jim at December 28, 2018 12:42 AM (QzJWU)
I understand that, I just wonder how he became and UberElite.
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:45 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:38 AM (Rz2Nc)
-------------
No idea, as I am not into all that. My comment was more about how well he set it up in advance to be a money making venture. He must have had some primo consulting.
Posted by: Calm Mentor at December 28, 2018 12:47 AM (ffYR/)
Something political for a change of pace? I'm reading sensible Canadians and Brits on Twitter. My God, those people are down. The Canucks are ashamed, the Brits are giving up. They wish Trump could go save them.
Posted by: Blonde Morticia at December 28, 2018 12:47 AM (oGNNA)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 12:47 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Duke Lowell at December 27, 2018 10:03 PM (gC2IV)
The QT down here is at $1.76. I love it!
Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at December 28, 2018 12:47 AM (NMAzL)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 12:44 AM (PUmDY)
Which game you watching now?
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:48 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 12:49 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Calm Mentor at December 28, 2018 12:47 AM (ffYR/)
Understood, I certainly wish him well.
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:50 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:51 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: Blonde Morticia at December 28, 2018 12:47 AM (oGNNA)
Save them how?
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:53 AM (Rz2Nc)
What's the objective of Jewish football?
To get the quarterback.
Spent thousands of dollars sending the kid to college, and all I got was a Quarterback.
-The next door neighbor's Reader's Digest collection, brazillion years ago. Read enough of them, you've heard them all. Except the dirty ones.
LOL at too many jokes here to acknowledge them all.
Wandered off to watch some vid now prob won't catch up, but what an uplifting thread. Like Maidenform.
Posted by: mindful webworker - "...not Ping Pong Balls!" at December 28, 2018 12:56 AM (cJ00e)
Posted by: Blonde Morticia at December 28, 2018 12:47 AM (oGNNA)
--------------------
Then they are gonna have to get off their whiny, dead asses, go find themselves one, and work their asses off to get him elected.
Prognosis: Highly unlikely. It would involve work on their part.
Posted by: Calm Mentor at December 28, 2018 01:00 AM (ffYR/)
"...just wondering where he came from..."
portland, oregon.
there's a 15 minute video of a talk he gave at ted talks available on youtube. he describes his recovery from burns from a terrible accident, training and mountain climbing (esp. everest). his wife is key.
very inspirational. worth a look.
Posted by: musical jolly chimp at December 28, 2018 01:02 AM (Pg+x7)
Posted by: musical jolly chimp at December 28, 2018 01:03 AM (Pg+x7)
The QT down here is at $1.76. I love it!
Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at December 28, 2018 12:47 AM (NMAzL
====
I've been seeing tweets about gas prices since someone mentioned that Obama once said gas under $2/gallon was a thing of the past (like 3% GDP growth, manufacturing jobs, etc). I can't believe those prices. I'm checking my GasBuddy, and just a few miles away from me premium is $4.39/gallon. I win!
Posted by: Blonde Morticia at December 28, 2018 01:05 AM (oGNNA)
Hey everybody.
I like to barbecue on my dick!
I may be staying up too late
I may be reading too much into this
I may be concerned for qdpsteve
I may not care.
Posted by: mindful webworker - Why do firemen wear red suspenders? at December 28, 2018 01:09 AM (cJ00e)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 01:10 AM (PUmDY)
Save them how?Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:53 AM (Rz2Nc
===
By being their national leader. Hence "wish." I feel sorry for the normies -- the conscientious, patriotic ones who are tearing their hair out as their country goes through its Obama phase.
Posted by: Blonde Morticia at December 28, 2018 01:10 AM (oGNNA)
Posted by: musical jolly chimp at December 28, 2018 01:02 AM (Pg+x7)
Thanks.
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 01:11 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 01:12 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 01:12 AM (PUmDY)
but has anyone noted that
Barak Obama is a Stuttering Clusterfuck Of A Miserable (Malicious) Failure (Fraud)
yet?
Posted by: JQ at December 28, 2018 01:13 AM (zMzA6)
2. Wrecked him, Damn near killed him.
3. Me check um for bees.
4. Is this guy a homo or what?
5. Because there are twenty of them.
Posted by: Jukin the Deplorable and Profoundly Unserious at December 28, 2018 01:13 AM (BuA1j)
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 12:45 AM (Rz2Nc)
Run your Bing n' Gooble searches within the major climbing blogs and dead-tree magazines.
He'll have visibility there, and likely more in the 'net than in the pulped n' printed page.
Now that he's nailed this high-viz accomplishment, NOW you'll see him in full page endorsement ads, etc.
He's like an "overnight success" in Country Music.
After a decades of practice, playing for three drunks in small houses, etc.
Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX
Posted by: Jim at December 28, 2018 01:13 AM (QzJWU)
' Did you hear that Tony Romo was arrested in North Carolina? He was caught using the men's room.
Posted by: Can't resist temptation at December 28, 2018 01:14 AM (2DOZq)
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 01:16 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: JQ at December 28, 2018 01:17 AM (zMzA6)
Posted by: DynamiteDan at December 28, 2018 01:17 AM (MqzWH)
Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at December 28, 2018 01:20 AM (0bsZA)
Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities!
No offense to any engineers-- it's just a joke I heard, okay?!
Posted by: JQ at December 28, 2018 01:20 AM (zMzA6)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 01:21 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: JQ at December 28, 2018 01:22 AM (zMzA6)
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 01:23 AM (Rz2Nc)
"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
Funny. But, saw it coming a mile away. But, funny.
Annie Ross did it first, of course. Great work.
https://youtu.be/bhjOpm-KL-A
Joni Mitchell covered the song on her 1974 album Court and Spark, featuring Cheech & Chong.
https://youtu.be/iisYw0epV_Q
Posted by: mindful webworker - Why are fire engines red? at December 28, 2018 01:23 AM (cJ00e)
Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at December 28, 2018 01:23 AM (0bsZA)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 01:25 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: JQ at December 28, 2018 01:25 AM (zMzA6)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 01:25 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 01:26 AM (PUmDY)
I'll have to ask my wife about. From when she climbed, she told me people would be able to because me popular within th community by being good story tellers and then writing a book.
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 01:27 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 01:28 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 01:28 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at December 28, 2018 01:29 AM (0bsZA)
WITHOUT EVIDENCE, President Trump claims CNN and other news organizations said he brought MAGA hats to Iraq and Germany military bases.
Speaking of jokes: CNN and other news organizations.
Posted by: mindful webworker - mass media is dead at December 28, 2018 01:30 AM (cJ00e)
Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at December 28, 2018 01:29 AM (0bsZA)
Lol, not me, I'm on a 10 HP limit lake. It's quiet though. Although the Aqua Lark may put out 15 hp.
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 01:33 AM (Rz2Nc)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 01:33 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Bilwis, Devourer of Low Glycemic Souls at December 28, 2018 01:33 AM (jp0Bv)
Posted by: Evasiveboat42 at December 28, 2018 01:35 AM (Rz2Nc)
The cheese looked like Swiss so in the buggy it went. Then I nibbled on a slice and well 'oh my gawd! my mouth is on fire!' Turns out I bought pepper jack cheese.
As for the pepperoni, the deli person needs some more training as they had set the thickness wrong. Each slice is about 2mm thick.
Luckily the ham turned out to be ham.
Posted by: Anna Puma (HQCaR) at December 28, 2018 01:35 AM (0bsZA)
Posted by: JuJuBee at December 28, 2018 01:35 AM (TBE/U)
Posted by: Jordan61 at December 28, 2018 01:37 AM (DoOPz)
I like it on grilled cheese sammiches. Yum!
Posted by: JQ at December 28, 2018 01:38 AM (zMzA6)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 01:40 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: JQ at December 28, 2018 01:40 AM (zMzA6)
Posted by: Wonkish Rogue at December 28, 2018 01:44 AM (l2t1M)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 01:50 AM (PUmDY)
---------
First Cannibal: I really don't care for your mother-in-law.
Second Cannibal: OK, just eat the vegetables!
Posted by: DynamiteDan at December 28, 2018 01:51 AM (MqzWH)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 01:52 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 02:02 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: ramondo at December 28, 2018 02:04 AM (opc5R)
Some good jokes in here tonight.
The hearse driver turned cabbie, is that a canon, and the guillotine jokes made me laugh.
Posted by: AmericanKestrel at December 28, 2018 02:04 AM (IDhUW)
Posted by: AmericanKestrel at December 28, 2018 02:06 AM (IDhUW)
Posted by: ramondo at December 28, 2018 02:07 AM (opc5R)
Posted by: AmericanKestrel at December 28, 2018 02:08 AM (IDhUW)
Posted by: Vic at December 28, 2018 02:08 AM (mpXpK)
Posted by: Vic at December 28, 2018 02:09 AM (mpXpK)
Posted by: Puddleglum at December 28, 2018 02:10 AM (WNAuL)
Good luck posting.
Love VNN in the mornings, btw.
Good night.
Posted by: JQ at December 28, 2018 02:10 AM (zMzA6)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 02:11 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Vic at December 28, 2018 02:08 AM (mpXpK)
---
because you have no country?
Posted by: redc1c4 at December 28, 2018 02:12 AM (zJ7J0)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 02:13 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Serious Cat at December 28, 2018 02:13 AM (GtG/j)
Posted by: Serious Cat at December 28, 2018 02:14 AM (GtG/j)
have a good rest of the year.
Posted by: mindful webworker - beyond beyond going beyond beyond at December 28, 2018 02:16 AM (cJ00e)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 02:16 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 02:19 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: rhomboid at December 28, 2018 02:20 AM (QDnY+)
Posted by: floppy at December 28, 2018 02:38 AM (8xtON)
Posted by: floppy w. at December 28, 2018 02:59 AM (8xtON)
https://preview.tinyurl.com/ybem8dgd
Posted by: ryukyu at December 28, 2018 03:20 AM (vKhgw)
Posted by: Robeartoe at December 28, 2018 03:40 AM (BbSCn)
Posted by: Skip at December 28, 2018 04:00 AM (/rm4P)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 04:01 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cilantro Chico at December 28, 2018 04:06 AM (m2bLi)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 04:10 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Skip at December 28, 2018 04:11 AM (/rm4P)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 04:15 AM (PUmDY)
Raining here, 43 degrees out. Better than the 29 its been every other morning.
Posted by: Skip at December 28, 2018 04:16 AM (/rm4P)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 04:17 AM (PUmDY)
"What seems to be the matter?" the doctor asked.
"I think I'm a moth," the man replied.
"Oh!" said the doctor. "You don't need me. You need the psychiatrist down the street."
"Yes, well I was on my way there," the man said, "but I saw your light on."
Posted by: creeper at December 28, 2018 04:18 AM (cT4Yr)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 04:22 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 04:28 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Skip at December 28, 2018 04:43 AM (/rm4P)
https://tinyurl.com/ycusjyof
I don't know much about it but could see free money was a addiction.
Posted by: Skip at December 28, 2018 04:46 AM (/rm4P)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 04:47 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 04:50 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 04:54 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 04:57 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Skip at December 28, 2018 04:57 AM (/rm4P)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 05:01 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 05:02 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 05:07 AM (PUmDY)
I read History of Jihad by Robert Spencer, it won't end well.
Posted by: Skip at December 28, 2018 05:07 AM (/rm4P)
Better get moving, one good or bad thing is my favorite donut shop is 1/2 mile from were I'm working. It has only a few shops and never been to this one.
Have a great day everyone, its Friday and I have 4 days off again.
Whooo Hooo!
Posted by: Skip at December 28, 2018 05:10 AM (/rm4P)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 05:11 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 05:20 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 05:25 AM (PUmDY)
Posted by: Cosmic Charlie at December 28, 2018 05:28 AM (PUmDY)
g'mornin', 'rons
Posted by: AltonJackson at December 28, 2018 05:43 AM (KCxzN)
Sixty years ago today -
'Greatest' football game
The 1958 National Football Championship Game between the Colts and the New York Giants is the first playoff game in NFL history to go into sudden-death overtime. The Colts win 23-17 in Yankee Stadium and the matchup will become known as the 'Greatest Game Ever Played.'
And ... out!
Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at December 28, 2018 05:43 AM (pNxlR)
Posted by: Liberty at December 27, 2018 09:48 PM (MmlEs)
Belatedly: golf clap on this one.
Posted by: m at December 28, 2018 05:44 AM (eJj1Q)
Posted by: Eromero at December 28, 2018 05:49 AM (zLDYs)
Say "knock-knock" to help me set the joke up.
You: knock-knock
Me: Who's there?
You: . . .
Posted by: m at December 28, 2018 05:50 AM (eJj1Q)
Posted by: ALH at December 28, 2018 05:54 AM (cS3Yq)
I might never be able to quit laughing.
Posted by: m at December 28, 2018 06:13 AM (eJj1Q)
Posted by: weirdflunky at December 28, 2018 06:17 AM (VLjz7)
Posted by: weirdflunky
After a page I jumped to the punch line.
If I'm going to read that much, I would read my software license agreements.
Posted by: Bruce at December 28, 2018 06:24 AM (8ikIW)
Posted by: Colin at December 28, 2018 06:28 AM (y6JvN)
At his peak, the Dublin, Ireland, man says, he was vaping about 24 milligrams of nicotine a day - the equivalent of two cigarettes. He got that down to about 12 mg, and then to 6 mg, before he stopped completely.
The writer of this article is as dumb as shit. Perhaps she could learn a little something about the subject before doing a hit piece on vaping. I'm actually dumber after reading that paragraph.
Posted by: Newest Nic at December 28, 2018 06:42 AM (jYje5)
Posted by: Bruce at December 28, 2018 06:47 AM (8ikIW)
Posted by: Erik at December 28, 2018 06:56 AM (Ybn9+)
Posted by: Off the reservation at December 28, 2018 07:28 AM (vWMNq)
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish - let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL."
Posted by: physics geek at December 28, 2018 07:55 AM (huQJB)
Posted by: God's golf ball at December 28, 2018 10:14 AM (FusDs)
The food is good but an hour later you're hungry for power.
Posted by: Jaclyn at December 28, 2018 10:32 AM (d+Wxf)
https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=CZNM0BfZZwkt=0slist=PL5iwgPHLauCsE9H8B Ce0rqppsDparMjXSindex=4
remove the spaces......
Posted by: boyNsea at December 28, 2018 12:34 PM (Fks5r)
Posted by: Buffalobob at December 28, 2018 01:38 PM (RNoZj)
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Real Clear Politics
Gallup
Paul Anka Haiku Contest Announcement
Integrity SAT's: Entrance Exam for Paul Anka's Band
AllahPundit's Paul Anka 45's Collection
AnkaPundit: Paul Anka Takes Over the Site for a Weekend (Continues through to Monday's postings)
George Bush Slices Don Rumsfeld Like an F*ckin' Hammer
Democratic Forays into Erotica
New Shows On Gore's DNC/MTV Network
Nicknames for Potatoes, By People Who Really Hate Potatoes
Star Wars Euphemisms for Self-Abuse
Signs You're at an Iraqi "Wedding Party"
Signs Your Clown Has Gone Bad
Signs That You, Geroge Michael, Should Probably Just Give It Up
Signs of Hip-Hop Influence on John Kerry
NYT Headlines Spinning Bush's Jobs Boom
Things People Are More Likely to Say Than "Did You Hear What Al Franken Said Yesterday?"
Signs that Paul Krugman Has Lost His Frickin' Mind
All-Time Best NBA Players, According to Senator Robert Byrd
Other Bad Things About the Jews, According to the Koran
Signs That David Letterman Just Doesn't Care Anymore
Examples of Bob Kerrey's Insufferable Racial Jackassery
Signs Andy Rooney Is Going Senile
Other Judgments Dick Clarke Made About Condi Rice Based on Her Appearance
Collective Names for Groups of People
John Kerry's Other Vietnam Super-Pets
Cool Things About the XM8 Assault Rifle
Media-Approved Facts About the Democrat Spy
Changes to Make Christianity More "Inclusive"
Secret John Kerry Senatorial Accomplishments
John Edwards Campaign Excuses
John Kerry Pick-Up Lines
Changes Liberal Senator George Michell Will Make at Disney
Torments in Dog-Hell
The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)