New Year's Resolutions Thread

Are there any improvements you want to make in your life? Do you want to spend more time reading? Or exercising? Or maybe masturbating?

Are you beating your children too much? Or not enough?

Here is a thread where you can make your vow. I'll put up a Resolutions Progress thread at the end of the month for a few months (and more sporadically after that) so that you can announce your progress and encourage other Hordelings in their vows.

Or, undermine them.

Posted by: Ace at 12:41 PM

Comments

(Jump to bottom of comments)

1 Boners. I plan on having more of them or fewer of them. I promise.

Posted by: Anderson Cooper's Smoked Sausages at January 01, 2015 12:34 PM (MbqmP)

2 But not orange, weeping boners. I hate those damned things.

Posted by: Anderson Cooper's Smoked Sausages at January 01, 2015 12:35 PM (MbqmP)

3 My two biggest sins are gluttony and sloth. I need to on my lust and wrath.

Posted by: The Great White Snark at January 01, 2015 12:36 PM (LImiJ)

4 Download and read Pressfield's "War of Art" to kickstart your resolutions. Brilliant work.

Posted by: TheDiddy at January 01, 2015 12:36 PM (fMWB3)

5 Not getting enough of something, but I can't remember what it is.

Something to do with women..

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 12:37 PM (MQEz6)

6 I resolve to continue striving to remain off the top 10s Ace...

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2015 12:38 PM (64kUO)

7 I resolve to take more naps, especially during meetings.

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 12:38 PM (MQEz6)

8 I resolve to cuss more. I haven't been cussing enough.

Goddamit.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 12:38 PM (D6PHF)

9 Two things:

1. LCHF like crazy. 5 lb at a time.

2. Read a minimum of 55 books this year. I use the Goodreads app and set my goal at 40 last year and blew by that easily. I don't think I will have trouble with the upped number of 55, but I have two kids under ten so sometimes personal reading time is minimal. If it looks like I will blow through 55 books, I will up the number, but 55 is the goal for right now.

Posted by: Mandy P., lurking lurker who lurks at January 01, 2015 12:39 PM (KkVB6)

10 Mr Y-not's resolution appears to be to spice things up in the old marital bedroom. He slept in his t-shirt inside out. I went to snuggle with him and the t-shirt seams were sticking out.

Ribbed for my pleasure, apparently!

Posted by: Y-not at January 01, 2015 12:39 PM (9BRsg)

11 I resolve to play less golf.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I'm just fucking with ya. I'm perfect, so won't be changing anything.

Posted by: Beary Obama at January 01, 2015 12:39 PM (t1dCc)

12 my resolution is the same as every year
-to not let T and nck walk all over me

THIS IS THE YEAR!!!!

Posted by: navycopjoe at January 01, 2015 12:40 PM (/2Qtx)

13 "Something to do with women.."

Nagging? Honey-dos? Lifetime Channel?

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 12:40 PM (D6PHF)

14 Serious answer: Get to the gun range more often.

Posted by: BurtTC at January 01, 2015 12:40 PM (Dj0WE)

15
Why didn't anything horrifically awful happen last night?

Posted by: All 2014 Soothsayers Must Go Clearance Sale! at January 01, 2015 12:40 PM (haxo2)

16 I resolve to have no resolutions. I believe I will be successful in achieving this goal.

Posted by: Trunk Monkey at January 01, 2015 12:40 PM (jucos)

17 I resolve to be a bigger asshole this year. And not be so
stingy with the throatpunches on people who desperately deserve it

Posted by: Insomniac at January 01, 2015 12:41 PM (mx5oN)

18 8 I resolve to cuss more. I haven't been cussing enough.

Goddamit.
Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 12:38 PM (D6PHF)

That's profanity not cursing, for f**k's sake

Posted by: MikeH at January 01, 2015 12:41 PM (4OZqu)

19 I resolve to have no resolutions. I believe I will be successful in achieving this goal.
Posted by: Trunk Monkey at January 01, 2015 12:40 PM (jucos)

So far so good!

Posted by: Anderson Cooper's Smoked Sausages at January 01, 2015 12:42 PM (MbqmP)

20 " I believe I will be successful in achieving this goal."

Keep the bar low. Less disappointment that way.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 12:42 PM (D6PHF)

21 I want to finish a half triathlon. I also want to either have sex or masturbate every day this year.

Posted by: Mr Pink at January 01, 2015 12:42 PM (DeQ4n)

22 Yeah, cursing is more like: "May his wife's dick cause him to choke to death."

Posted by: Anderson Cooper's Smoked Sausages at January 01, 2015 12:43 PM (MbqmP)

23 Happy Winter Classic, Morons.

Go Blackhawks!

Posted by: garrett at January 01, 2015 12:43 PM (21wD0)

24 I resolve not to make fun of the green bay packers
I mean who cares if aaron rodgers is queer as a three dollar bill?

oh shit, that lasted long

Posted by: navycopjoe at January 01, 2015 12:43 PM (/2Qtx)

25 I will refrain from diddling little girls this new year.

Posted by: Lena Dunham at January 01, 2015 12:43 PM (XzRw1)

26 A new job. A new job. My kingdom for a new job

Posted by: TheQuietMan at January 01, 2015 12:43 PM (3UGBQ)

27
You put it better last night, Ace:

...throw up a New Year's Resolution

I resolve to face the music and finish two longstanding drywall repairs in our domicile as well as two major landscaping projects -- front sidewalk and back patio and steps -- this year.

I've certainly heard enough snarky comments from my SO about getting them done, but no offer to help. Why is that?

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars(TM) at January 01, 2015 12:44 PM (bWFHa)

28 "That's profanity not cursing, for f**k's sake"

Well, pardon the fcuk outta me.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 12:44 PM (D6PHF)

29 I plan on gettin more critters.

Posted by: Elly May at January 01, 2015 12:45 PM (RcpcZ)

30 "May his wife's dick cause him to choke to death."

What the Hell does that even mean?

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 12:45 PM (D6PHF)

31 I'm gonna get that penis reduction surgery my womenz have been demanding.

Posted by: Dr Spank at January 01, 2015 12:46 PM (9sMMW)

32 @29
Me too, ITKWIM!

Posted by: Lena Dunham at January 01, 2015 12:46 PM (9BRsg)

33 I want to scissor with Huma more this year with my service dog watching.

Posted by: Hillary "Butch" Clinton at January 01, 2015 12:46 PM (BLFGI)

34 All of the above.

Posted by: goatxchange at January 01, 2015 12:47 PM (sYUHT)

35 If they won't let me play in the NFL this year, I will switch to coaching Pop Warner games.

Posted by: "Yo" Adrian Peterson at January 01, 2015 12:48 PM (Dj0WE)

36 I'm out of shape so getting back in shape is a priority, as well as improving myself so that I can advance in my career.

Physical:
Deadlift: 405
Overhead Press: 225
Pullups: 20
1 mile run: 7:00
Pass the Black Falcon scholar's test.

Mental:
Apply to graduate school
Complete a linear algebra class
Learn Farsi
Learn the basics of a programming language

Personal:
Attend one milonga a month
Attend one contra dance per quarter
Take six hours of waltz lessons
Write two short stories.
take six hours of riding lessons

Professional:
Get promoted.

Posted by: Colorado Alex at January 01, 2015 12:48 PM (10ydV)

37 33 I want to scissor with Huma more this year with my service dog watching.
Posted by: Hillary "Butch" Clinton at January 01, 2015 12:46 PM (BLFGI)

That's cruelty to animals

Posted by: MikeH at January 01, 2015 12:48 PM (4OZqu)

38 I resolve to finally act without constraint!

Posted by: Barack Obama at January 01, 2015 12:49 PM (0Ew3K)

39 Does Huma have one of those little mouths that snaps at you from inside her regular mouth, or was that just some silly movie I saw?

Posted by: Anderson Cooper's Smoked Sausages at January 01, 2015 12:49 PM (MbqmP)

40 Or maybe masturbating?

Are you beating your children too much? Or not enough?

At the risk of alerting the Paedo Police, I misread that at first to say

"Are you beating off your children too much?," especially in context of the sentence that precedes it.

Maybe "punishing" would avoid the unintentional double-entendre.

Posted by: zombie at January 01, 2015 12:49 PM (K4YiS)

41 I'm not taking any steps backward this year!

Posted by: Ndummycan Sue at January 01, 2015 12:50 PM (Dj0WE)

42 I resolve to be more diligent in my alleged corpse-disposal protocols.

Posted by: Harry Reid, The Searchlight Strangler (allegedly) at January 01, 2015 12:50 PM (vd4oB)

43 to try to not be as srs about things i cannot control.
to smile more at people .

Posted by: willow at January 01, 2015 12:50 PM (nqBYe)

44 I resolve to eat more pudding.

Posted by: Bill Cosby at January 01, 2015 12:50 PM (vd4oB)

45 Does Huma have one of those little ~~mouths~~ vajayjays that snaps at you from inside her regular ~~mouth~~ vajayjay, or was that just some silly movie I saw?

Posted by: Anderson Cooper's Smoked Sausages at January 01, 2015 12:49 PM (MbqmP)

FIFY

Posted by: The Alien Queen at January 01, 2015 12:50 PM (0Ew3K)

46 No more Hot Chocolate enemas this year.

Posted by: PJ Boy at January 01, 2015 12:51 PM (0FSuD)

47 Get a new job.

Gain some weight.

Catch up on my reading. (Way too many books sitting around)

And get rid of old stuff that just clutters up the place.

Posted by: HH at January 01, 2015 12:51 PM (Ce4DF)

48 My New Year's resolution is not to make any resolutions.

Aw crap, I broke it already.

Posted by: rickl at January 01, 2015 12:51 PM (sdi6R)

49 I am going to try pitching this year.

Posted by: Barakhenaten I at January 01, 2015 12:51 PM (21wD0)

50 I resolve to get disappointed at least once each day this year.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, Native American at January 01, 2015 12:52 PM (0HooB)

51 I shall post more on Ace...or maybe less.
One or the other, I'm sure.

Posted by: Diogenes at January 01, 2015 12:52 PM (08Znv)

52 Going to call the Red Sox, see if I can help juice up their lineup more than it already is.

Posted by: A Rod at January 01, 2015 12:52 PM (Dj0WE)

53 I am going to try pitching this year.

Posted by: Barakhenaten I at January 01, 2015 12:51 PM (21wD0)

Reggie: Barry dear, you're a natural born catcher

Posted by: TheQuietMan at January 01, 2015 12:53 PM (3UGBQ)

54 "FIFY"

Vaginator 2000.....?

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 12:53 PM (D6PHF)

55 15

Why didn't anything horrifically awful happen last night?

Posted by: All 2014 Soothsayers Must Go Clearance Sale! at January 01, 2015 12:40 PM (haxo2)

Too cold, thugs and union guys don't work when it's cold.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 12:53 PM (0FSuD)

56 49 -

So are we!

Posted by: Dodgers Bullpen at January 01, 2015 12:53 PM (Dj0WE)

57 I resolve to only use green, renewable energy sources to power my mobility exoskeleton. And to do more sciss...I mean scrapbooking.

Posted by: Hillary Clinton at January 01, 2015 12:54 PM (vd4oB)

58 36 I'm out of shape so getting back in shape is a priority, as well as improving myself so that I can advance in my career.

Physical:
Deadlift: 405
Overhead Press: 225
Pullups: 20
1 mile run: 7:00
Pass the Black Falcon scholar's test.

Mental:
Apply to graduate school
Complete a linear algebra class
Learn Farsi
Learn the basics of a programming language

Personal:
Attend one milonga a month
Attend one contra dance per quarter
Take six hours of waltz lessons
Write two short stories.
take six hours of riding lessons

Professional:
Get promoted.
Posted by: Colorado Ale

Wow, that is so specific, and positive-thinking

Mine are more along the lines of

- Don't stub my toe if I can avoid it
- Don't pull any muscles trying to lift heavy weights
- Try not to scream so loudly during orgasm (it bothers the neighbors)
- Avoid attending anything involving the word "dance."

Posted by: zombie at January 01, 2015 12:54 PM (K4YiS)

59 4 Download and read Pressfield's "War of Art" to kickstart your resolutions. Brilliant work.
Posted by: TheDiddy at January 01, 2015 12:36 PM (fMWB3)
-----------
Rob Osborne's "1000 Steps to World Domination".

Posted by: All Hail Eris at January 01, 2015 12:54 PM (KH1sk)

60 I belong to TWO golf course and didn't play once this year.

This year, new clubs and a regular schedule, if my fucking torn rotator cuff will allow.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 12:54 PM (0FSuD)

61 My resolution is not to be so angry while driving. I just hope the idiots on the road have resolved to become better and more courteous drivers.

Posted by: Bob Belcher at January 01, 2015 12:55 PM (3jmxp)

62 I resolve to spend more time in Japan in the coming year since wearing adult diapers is very popular there.

Posted by: Hillary at January 01, 2015 12:55 PM (BLFGI)

63 Or maybe masturbating?

Would that include the mental variety, as well?

Posted by: Garrry Trudeaux at January 01, 2015 12:55 PM (Dwehj)

64 I resolve to use only organic, free-range hookers this year. And to let more of them live.

Posted by: Bill Clinton at January 01, 2015 12:55 PM (vd4oB)

65 No procrastinating on my "game research". I've got a lot to do in a short time frame, going to try to stay at least three days ahead of my games, with print outs of everything I'll need for both/all four teams, in a folder, in my case, ready to go. Same with directions to random arenas all over central NC. Must not fall behind, or I'll never catch up.

Posted by: Lincolntf at January 01, 2015 12:55 PM (2cS/G)

66 that you can announce your progress and encourage other Hordelings in their vows.
Or, undermine them.

This is why I keep coming here. No pretense and you can always count on the Horde to help.

Posted by: tbodie at January 01, 2015 12:55 PM (8oSoU)

67 Posted on my Facebook page this morning;

I shared this last year and want to reprint it. If you already read it, skip, if not, I hope you are inspired to make a new resolution.

Some umpteen years ago, 1998-99 actually, I was at Mom and Dad's for New Years. The guys were asleep on the couches and recliners and Mom and I were up drinking and reminiscing. Every one who knew her did the same thing. Up late drinking and talking. Remember?

We got on the subject of resolutions and both agreed that losing weight, giving up something, or promising to be a better person were just not concrete enough.

After much MacNaughton's, we came up with the idea that we would do a good deed every day for the next year. It could be letting someone in when there was heavy traffic, helping someone find something in the grocery store, or being kind to a telemarketer that called.

No matter what it was, we agreed there had to be a point sometime during each day, for the whole year, where we would put someone else first.

Mom passed away not too many months later.

I have kept that resolution every day since that New Years Eve. Every single day.

Each time I do that good deed, each time I think of someone else first, each time I remember to be kind, I think of Mom.

Thanks Mary.

Posted by: Texas Annie at January 01, 2015 12:55 PM (aDgHi)

68 Quit annoying my wife with my farts.

I'm not going to stop farting, I'm just resolving that it won't annoy my wife so much. I'll be sure to let y'all know how that works out.

Posted by: Anderson Cooper's Smoked Sausages at January 01, 2015 12:56 PM (MbqmP)

69 "Why didn't anything horrifically awful happen last night?"

Something did. My membership at the D.C. tanning salon expired.

Posted by: Johnny "Cheeto" Boner at January 01, 2015 12:56 PM (D6PHF)

70 And get rid of old stuff that just clutters up the place.

Posted by: HH at January 01, 2015 12:51 PM (Ce4DF)

Oh, you had to bring that up. Now I am feeling guilty about 20 years of shit in my attic, including my dad's WWII gas mask and sleeping bag. Really.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 12:56 PM (0FSuD)

71 Posted by: TheDiddy at January 01, 2015 12:36 PM (fMWB3)

Every thing Pressfield has written has been brilliant.

Posted by: Bob Belcher at January 01, 2015 12:56 PM (3jmxp)

72 I resolve to rationalize all my upcoming failures as inevitable, not my fault, and mostly caused by joos.

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 12:57 PM (MQEz6)

73 lose 5 pounds a month
starting... tomorrow

Posted by: chemjeff at January 01, 2015 12:57 PM (9GG/0)

74 57 Hillary!

Are fusion reaction cores "green" ma'am?

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2015 12:58 PM (64kUO)

75 I resolve to make them let me drive the train this year. And to complete the family My Little Pony collection.

Posted by: Joe Biden at January 01, 2015 12:58 PM (vd4oB)

76 Mom passed away not too many months later.

I have kept that resolution every day since that New Years Eve. Every single day.

Each time I do that good deed, each time I think of someone else first, each time I remember to be kind, I think of Mom.

Thanks Mary.

So your mom was a Boy Scout? Doing a good turn everyday is some times hard to pull off, but I try. Eagle Scout.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 12:58 PM (0FSuD)

77 We resolve to find a solution to the intolerable blockade of the Gaza/West Bank Bridge by those intransigent Israelis.

Posted by: Vox.com at January 01, 2015 12:59 PM (t1dCc)

78 New Year's Resolutions Thread??

Posted by: Al Sharpton at January 01, 2015 12:59 PM (9sMMW)

79
I resolve to be less honest.

Posted by: Jon Gruber at January 01, 2015 12:59 PM (haxo2)

80 lose 5 pounds a month
starting... tomorrow
Posted by: chemjeff at January 01, 2015 12:57 PM (9GG/0)

I resolve to not perform a potentially insulting calculation here.

Posted by: Anderson Cooper's Smoked Sausages at January 01, 2015 01:00 PM (MbqmP)

81 1. Get firearms.
2. Get back to school.

Posted by: esch at January 01, 2015 01:00 PM (pscps)

82 58 Zombie

It helps if you don't have a megaphone on during your climax, trust me I know..

//Al $lim $hady $harpton

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 01, 2015 01:00 PM (64kUO)

83 Resolutions? Fuck that. Who wants pi?

Posted by: William Jones at January 01, 2015 01:00 PM (a3NCX)

84 I resolve to make one inch or less groupings at the range this year.

Posted by: Thin veneer of civility at January 01, 2015 01:00 PM (XzRw1)

85 77
We resolve to find a solution to the intolerable blockade of the Gaza/West Bank Bridge by those intransigent Israelis.

Posted by: Vox.com at January 01, 2015 12:59 PM (t1dCc)

Stop collecting the toll! Also, no camels or goats on the bridge. That should solve the problem.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:00 PM (0FSuD)

86 Resolution under development - um...is underballs still a thing?

Posted by: Weasel at January 01, 2015 01:00 PM (e3bId)

87 I resolve to give the botulinium hive-mind more of a free rein over my actions in 2015. And to drink less blood.

Posted by: Nancy Pelosi at January 01, 2015 01:01 PM (vd4oB)

88 I vow to lose ten pounds every other month -- but gain them back in the intervening months.

Posted by: zombie at January 01, 2015 01:01 PM (K4YiS)

89 I resolve to change the wiper fuse (hands too cold right now) in my '63 Valiant. Raining pretty hard today and the temp is 38. But hey, they were calling for frozen precip here in ETEX earlier. We don't needs no broke down pine trees. Nossir. I also resolve to put on a waterproof and gather some collards from the Victory Garden for dinner. And maybe drink a bit.

Posted by: Eromero at January 01, 2015 01:02 PM (go5uR)

90 I resolve to help chemjeff redefine the word month if his check clears.

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 01:02 PM (MQEz6)

91 Cut back to a qt of liquor a day. Small steps.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:02 PM (0FSuD)

92 We typed out a detailed list of all our resolutions for you guys, but the hard drives just crashed so you can't see them.

Oh well. Guess we'll just go about with business as usual.

Posted by: the IRS at January 01, 2015 01:02 PM (t1dCc)

93 "Who wants pi?"

Yes, please. I'll have 3.1415........ pieces.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 01:02 PM (D6PHF)

94 We resolve to kill more people in 2015! Easy!

Posted by: The Muslim World at January 01, 2015 01:02 PM (vd4oB)

95 Less procrastination.

Posted by: Adsila at January 01, 2015 01:03 PM (ioqzj)

96 Wow, that is so specific, and positive-thinking

Mine are more along the lines of

- Don't stub my toe if I can avoid it
- Don't pull any muscles trying to lift heavy weights
- Try not to scream so loudly during orgasm (it bothers the neighbors)
- Avoid attending anything involving the word "dance."
Posted by: zombie at January 01, 2015 12:54 PM (K4YiS)

Most of them are pretty reasonable, I think. I've found specificity is the key. Instead of saying, "I'm going to read more books" you say, "I'm going to read the following books this year."

One of the things I picked up from my time in the Army was to make a detailed plan but keep it flexible. I probably won't hit my goals regarding the physical stuff, but I have concrete goals to shoot for and that allows me to start backwards planning. I'll probably take the riding lessons over the summer, and the dance lessons in the fall. I haven't decided if I want to take the class this semester or next. I was already going to the gym a couple times a week until classwork took over my life, but having a goal should help keep me on track.

Posted by: Colorado Alex at January 01, 2015 01:03 PM (10ydV)

97 5 years sober & counting!

Posted by: Ted Kennedy at January 01, 2015 01:03 PM (MbqmP)

98 Nothing here. I'm good. Thanks.

Posted by: @dickstrash at January 01, 2015 01:03 PM (KuU4f)

99 I promise no more anal in my home. EVAH.

See, a promise I can keep.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:04 PM (0FSuD)

100
Posted by: Eromero

Did you also resolve to change how you spell your name?

Posted by: All 2014 Soothsayers Must Go Clearance Sale! at January 01, 2015 01:04 PM (haxo2)

101 I resolve to find new ways to stick it to the NYPD while claiming that I support them 100 percent

I got started even before the ball dropped in ~~Red~~ Times Square;

http://tinyurl.com/oam9u52

Posted by: Bill De Blasio at January 01, 2015 01:05 PM (GrXXa)

102 I also resolve to endeavor to persevere. Know what I mean?

Posted by: Eromero at January 01, 2015 01:05 PM (go5uR)

103 - Try not to scream so loudly during orgasm (it bothers the neighbors)

Why pray tell? You can move in next to me.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:05 PM (0FSuD)

104 I'm going to sing the National Anthem at an Outdoor Hockey Game, this year.

Posted by: Billy Idol at January 01, 2015 01:05 PM (F1xJG)

105 zombie, how are your trees?

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 01:05 PM (MQEz6)

106 I vow to plow that sow.

Whoops. I meant plow and sow. Plow and sow.

Posted by: Farmer Joey 'Two-Acres'' Biden at January 01, 2015 01:06 PM (ISLdK)

107 But seriously, I have been procrastinating on writing a political manifesto for about seven years now. Not an exaggeration. My new year's resolution is to get it written this year! And it will rock this world. Hopefully.

The sticking point that made me stop -- and which is STILL the sticking point -- is finding a name for my political philosophy. I've given it immense amounts of thought, and still not found a good answer.

Posted by: zombie at January 01, 2015 01:07 PM (K4YiS)

108 Are there any improvements you want to make in your life? Do you want to spend more time reading? Or exercising? Or maybe masturbating?

I strive to do what I can for Morons along with the third one with the best Compliance Pics

Posted by: kbdabear at January 01, 2015 01:07 PM (GrXXa)

109 My goal is the same as every year: to live forever!
So far, so good.

Posted by: votermom at January 01, 2015 01:07 PM (YhYyi)

110 "Now I am feeling guilty about 20 years of shit in my attic",

The way I look at it is this. If I suddenly died tomorrow, 'someone' is going to have to go through my stuff and decide what to do with it. I'd rather do it myself. Stuff I can toss, sell or whatever.

I've seen this happen several times recently. And of course, you can't take it with you when you go.

Posted by: HH at January 01, 2015 01:07 PM (Ce4DF)

111 I resolve not to make up stupid shit and peddle it as science.

Well... I'm very confident that that is my resolution, and I have a terrific memory, so it must in fact be my resolution, and if any of you challenge that then you are just hateful deniers......

Posted by: Neil DeAss Tyson at January 01, 2015 01:08 PM (t1dCc)

112 The sticking point that made me stop -- and which is
STILL the sticking point -- is finding a name for my political
philosophy. I've given it immense amounts of thought, and still not
found a good answer.

Posted by: zombie at January 01, 2015 01:07 PM (K4YiS)

How about "Loud Orgasm Theory of Politics"?

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:09 PM (0FSuD)

113 I resolve to eat only one case of twinkies a day.

Posted by: Hank Graf Kissinger at January 01, 2015 01:09 PM (XzRw1)

114 5 years sober counting!
Posted by: Ted Kennedy at January 01, 2015 01:03 PM

Joke's on you, Uncle Ted.

Posted by: Beelzebub at January 01, 2015 01:09 PM (Dwehj)

115 I promise to keep freezing your asses off until you bow to me.

Posted by: The Sun at January 01, 2015 01:09 PM (MQEz6)

116 My resolutions are entirely unoriginal and uninteresting. My nephew/ godson is getting married in July - I want to lose weight by the time of his wedding. The Paleo thing did not work for me - I need something more structured. I had been doing well exercise wise, but let it slip this fall, so I need to get back to doing that.

Like Mandy, I also want to read more books this year.

Posted by: Donna &&&&&& V. (brandishing ampersands) at January 01, 2015 01:10 PM (+XMAD)

117 Anyone seen the new Polaris Slingshot scheduled to start selling this year? It's kind of a two seat sit-down version of a Can Am Spider. Looks like a Batmobile. The price looks incredibly low for something like this too, I think. Of course, that depends on how much dealers mark them up.

Posted by: Havedash at January 01, 2015 01:10 PM (G1XMn)

118 I asked the kiddos if they have any resolutions for the New Year. My ten year old boy child said he resolves to take more responsibility for his actions. I don't think I can top that. My resolution is a physical one. I'm running the New York Marathon this year.

Posted by: no good deed at January 01, 2015 01:10 PM (w3a0Z)

119 The sticking point that made me stop -- and which is STILL the sticking point -- is finding a name for my political philosophy. I've given it immense amounts of thought, and still not found a good answer.
Posted by: zombie at January 01, 2015 01:07 PM (K4YiS)

" Global Warming is Total Bullshit- FYNQ"

How's that for a title/philosophy?

Posted by: weirdflunkyonatablet at January 01, 2015 01:11 PM (5564p)

120 I resolve to purge my party of all assorted Teabagging miscreants.

Posted by: Senor Juan McCain at January 01, 2015 01:11 PM (Dwehj)

121 Gotta deal with the anxiety. I no longer worry about the hereafter, but in the meantime, the anxiety cycle (anxiety causes fight-or-flight response, which in turn makes the situation worse, which in turn causes more anxiety, lather, rinse, repeat) makes this life tough to bear.

Pills or something. Therapy is expensive and not terribly effective for men.

"How do you feel?"

"Scared."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Scared."

Etc.

Posted by: Bob's House of Visiting Relatives at January 01, 2015 01:11 PM (myLs7)

122 I've seen this happen several times recently. And of course, you can't take it with you when you go.

Posted by: HH at January 01, 2015 01:07 PM (Ce4DF)

True dat. My sons came to my B day and they spent two days throwing shit away that I had. It really hurt, but I don't miss any of it.
Then, the city bought my building and I brought home 40 years of shit I had in it. I got stuff.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:11 PM (0FSuD)

123 105 zombie, how are your trees?

Posted by: eman

Lookin' good so far.

I actually have three young fruit trees. One of them I put the mattress bag over. That seems to have worked well. One of them is small so I was able to wrap some smaller plastic sheeting around easily. That worked well too. But one of them was too big and I tried to jerry-rig a plastic covering from several pieces taped together, but the savage wind gusts pretty much shredded my efforts. So -- two out of three ain't bad. Luckily, the large tree is the oldest and thus most resistant to cold damage, so I may be OK.

But it won't be until later, when they're unwrapped, and a few weeks go by, when the leaves start to show any damage. We shall see!

Posted by: zombie at January 01, 2015 01:11 PM (K4YiS)

124 "I resolve to purge my party of all assorted Teabagging miscreants."

Well, we can count on that.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 01:13 PM (D6PHF)

125 I resolve to be on Fox News more.

I just can't seem to get everyone to understand how wonderful Jeb Bush is with how little I currently appear on tv.

Posted by: Karl Rove at January 01, 2015 01:13 PM (t1dCc)

126 I resolve to turn my life around.

Posted by: The New and Improved Gentle Giant at January 01, 2015 01:13 PM (Dwehj)

127 I resolve to be a bigger asshole this year. And not be so stingy with the throatpunches on people who desperately deserve it
Posted by: Insomniac

BCochran hardest hit

Posted by: Bossy Conservative....in the bleak midwinter at January 01, 2015 01:13 PM (+1T7c)

128 In 2015, I am finally going to learn enough math to understand that paper about the General Relativistic treatment of the Rotating Disk, that even Einstein got wrong!

Posted by: Jerome at January 01, 2015 01:13 PM (Opcdk)

129 I resolve to make it to the closing credits.

Posted by: Sean Bean at January 01, 2015 01:14 PM (MQEz6)

130 I resolve not to smile after throat punching a hippie.

Posted by: Thin veneer of civility at January 01, 2015 01:14 PM (XzRw1)

131 How about "Loud Orgasm Theory of Politics"?
Posted by: Nip Sip

That would probably attract a lot more followers than something dry and boring like Reasonableism.

Posted by: zombie at January 01, 2015 01:14 PM (K4YiS)

132 "It really hurt, but I don't miss any of it."

And the plus side is that you might give someone else a lot of pleasure if they get something they've always wanted. Just stuff you had sitting around.

Posted by: HH at January 01, 2015 01:15 PM (Ce4DF)

133 Posted by: Donna &&&&&& V. (brandishing ampersands) at January 01, 2015 01:10 PM (+XMAD)

Paleo by itself didn't so much for me, either. I've had the best luck with combining primal (paleo + dairy) with low carb-high fat. So it's low carbing (like Atkins) but instead of just eating whatever has low carbs, you keep it very clean like you would if you were strict paleo. No soy, no processed junk, but stay light on the berries and stay away from honey and maple syrup.

That's what I'm going back to because it's what worked for me and I just felt good when I was eating that way.

Posted by: Mandy P., lurking lurker who lurks at January 01, 2015 01:16 PM (KkVB6)

134 Texas Annie @ 67
Thank you.
Just lost my wife before Thanksgiving.
You inspire me, and give me hope.
I get a new reason every day to show up here.
Prolly should change my name?

Posted by: Lurker in Wyoming at January 01, 2015 01:16 PM (8GeZz)

135 I resolve to put the entire "band" back together.

Posted by: Vlad Putin at January 01, 2015 01:17 PM (t1dCc)

136 I'm glad your trees look okay, zombie.

BTW, just call your political philosophy "Z Theory"

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 01:17 PM (MQEz6)

137 It's cold and rainy, but, just heard the first big boom from the range. Someone's shooting something.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 01:17 PM (D6PHF)

138 If I can achieve my goals, I will:

Watch every television show that has "Secrets Of" in the title.

Click every adlink that has terms like "weird," or "by storm" in it.

Stop cursing in front of my children and/or wife every time The Leader Of The Free World appears on TV.

Posted by: RobM1981 at January 01, 2015 01:17 PM (zurJC)

139

I resolve to make less comments with random movie quotes.

No more yanky my wanky, the donger needs food.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at January 01, 2015 01:18 PM (Qs8ZN)

140 On a serious note, one of my goals is to pray every morning.

Posted by: votermom at January 01, 2015 01:18 PM (pxsSq)

141 Oh yeah. More range time.

Posted by: Lurker in Wyoming at January 01, 2015 01:19 PM (8GeZz)

142 I resolve to go back to using Janitor In A Drum as a douche so I don't smell like an non-airconditioned tuna factory in Samoa in the Summer "down there."

Posted by: Hillary at January 01, 2015 01:19 PM (BLFGI)

143 I vow to lose a great deal of weight this year.

Posted by: The Stock Exchange at January 01, 2015 01:20 PM (Dj0WE)

144 Wyoming @ 134

Hang in there. Life is hard, for sure, and it seems to get harder as we get older.

But God gives us wisdom and Grace, if we are paying attention, just for this reason. In them we find Strength.

Our turns will all come. As was said here earlier, the real question is "what do we do between now and then?"

Peace, and a Happy 2015 to you,
Rob

Posted by: RobM1981 at January 01, 2015 01:21 PM (zurJC)

145 I saw Samoan Summer Tuna Phactory open for Phish at Fiddler's Green in '96

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:21 PM (NeFrd)

146 I resolve to find out if I am driving my car at the speed of light and I turn on my headlights. What do I see?

Posted by: MikeH at January 01, 2015 01:21 PM (4OZqu)

147 All 2014 Sooth @ 100-
I had to drop the 'w'. Mrs. E is no longer working and money is tight. I told her if it was that bad we could eat the dog. And the cats. She just told me no more damn 'w's. I hear, I obey.

Posted by: Eromero at January 01, 2015 01:21 PM (go5uR)

148 140
On a serious note, one of my goals is to pray every morning.

That's wonderful.
I must be doing something wrong though, John McCain is still alive.

Posted by: Thin veneer of civility at January 01, 2015 01:21 PM (XzRw1)

149 I resolve to eat mor chikin. Moo.

Posted by: The Cow at January 01, 2015 01:22 PM (Dwehj)

150 We resolve to win the World Series this year.

No, seriously.

Hey, stop laughing.

What do you mean we are already mathematically eliminated?

Posted by: the Chicago Cubs at January 01, 2015 01:22 PM (t1dCc)

151 I resolve to stop fucking Black Lesbos

Posted by: Da Mayor at January 01, 2015 01:22 PM (0FSuD)

152 I resolve to not trim my toenails at the dinner table. At least not when we have company.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:23 PM (NeFrd)

153 More X's and fewer 9's?

Posted by: Weasel at January 01, 2015 01:23 PM (e3bId)

154 143
I vow to lose a great deal of weight this year.

Posted by: The Stock Exchange at January 01, 2015 01:20 PM (Dj0WE)

Me too.

Posted by: The Dollar at January 01, 2015 01:24 PM (0FSuD)

155 The Samoan tuna factory is just giving me......shivvers.

I can handle a lot, but, come on?

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 01:24 PM (D6PHF)

156 I resolve to gleefully watch the Patriots defeat the Cowboys in the Super Bowl.

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 01:24 PM (MQEz6)

157 I resolve to defrock a battleship.

Posted by: Sandra Flook at January 01, 2015 01:24 PM (Dwehj)

158 I resolve to face the music and finish two
longstanding drywall repairs in our domicile as well as two major
landscaping projects -- front sidewalk and back patio and steps -- this
year.

I've certainly heard enough snarky comments from my SO about getting them done, but no offer to help. Why is that?

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars(TM) at January 01, 2015 12:44 PM (bWFHa)

Heh. I have a bathroom drywall repair project that I've been putting off, too. Resolve to get that fixed within January. And landscaping too: Back sidewalk around garage needs to be raised so it don't flood. THAT one will be a bitch, but Ima get it done this summer.
Also need to just QUIT EFFING PROCRASTINATING. I screw around too much overthinking things....

Posted by: Tex Lovera at January 01, 2015 01:24 PM (TZCW8)

159 I resolve to give up naked accordion playing in public.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:24 PM (NeFrd)

160 2015 is already off to a good start in the Weird News category:

Man discovers that the turn-signal lever from his then-new 1963 Thunderbird had been stuck in his arm for 51 years.

http://www.sfgate.com/news/article/51-years-after-wreck-7-inch-car-part-found-in-arm-5989108.php

"Fifty-one years ago, Arthur Lampitt of Granite City, Illinois, smashed his 1963 Thunderbird into a truck. This week during surgery in suburban St. Louis, a 7-inch turn signal lever from that T-Bird was removed from his left arm."

Posted by: zombie at January 01, 2015 01:25 PM (K4YiS)

161 I think we should help Lurker in WY come up with a nick.

Stilton Cheesewright?
Slartibartfast?
Pinto? Otter?
Chip Diller?
Anything but Flounder!

Posted by: Y-not at January 01, 2015 01:25 PM (9BRsg)

162 I've got about $3800 in consumer debt that I want to get paid off before Spring is over.

Once my credit cards are paid off, I want to save up for a Glock.

Posted by: tdpwells at January 01, 2015 01:25 PM (iWSm4)

163 We resolve to not see what you just did and just keep on going by.

Thanks for visiting the Big Apple.

Posted by: NYPD at January 01, 2015 01:26 PM (MQEz6)

164 OK, going to stop shooting rounds late at night when I am drunk.

Too many dead cats. Neighbors getting suspicious.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:26 PM (0FSuD)

165 We resolve to not see what you just did and just keep on going by.

Welcome to the club.

Posted by: New Orleans PD at January 01, 2015 01:26 PM (w3a0Z)

166 My New Years resolution is to continue my New Years resolution from last year which was to learn how to play the piano.

I'm not anywhere near where I want to be be but I am better today than I was yesterday and I will be better tomorrow than I was today.

Posted by: Kreplach at January 01, 2015 01:26 PM (bKSy7)

167 I think we should help Lurker in WY come up with a nick.

***

Hump Free Bogart

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:27 PM (NeFrd)

168 My last year's resolution was to make no resolutions, and I am pleased to say I achieved 100% compliance, and this year is shaping up to be a repeat.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at January 01, 2015 01:27 PM (mtmZ0)

169 I'm confused. On which thread are we supposed to bitch about NDT?

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 01, 2015 01:28 PM (ZrDPU)

170 I resolve to not tell any of my @sshole employers not to f*ck off until I have a new job and can quit.

Also... it's obvious I need to rationalize things more. There is nothing wrong me with, it is everyone else who has deep seated psychological problems that can only be treated with mind altering psychotropic drugs.

Posted by: shibumi who is awaiting SMOD at January 01, 2015 01:28 PM (LeFwz)

171 I resolve to learn to say no.

Posted by: The Chicken at January 01, 2015 01:28 PM (myLs7)

172 167
I think we should help Lurker in WY come up with a nick.

No Fucking My Cows?

Or

I don't fuck my cows?

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:28 PM (0FSuD)

173 Mandy, a friend of my sisters was able to get a deal through her job with Nutrisystems. I've always hated the whole idea of buying food plans from some company, but we got the entire first month for free and then steeply discounted thereafter. I wouldn't have considered it if we hadn't been able to get a good deal on it because I hate the whole idea of eating prepackaged stuff. I will see how it goes....

Posted by: Donna &&&&&& V. (brandishing ampersands) at January 01, 2015 01:29 PM (+XMAD)

174 >>I'm confused. On which thread are we supposed to bitch about NDT?

All the threads.

Posted by: Y-not at January 01, 2015 01:29 PM (9BRsg)

175 159 I resolve to give up naked accordion playing in public.
Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:24 PM (NeFrd)

Too much snagging of the fish and veg?

Posted by: MikeH at January 01, 2015 01:30 PM (4OZqu)

176 I also resolve to annoy liberals whenever I can.

That's pretty easy though. Just saying the truth pisses the hell out of them.

Posted by: Donna &&&&&& V. (brandishing ampersands) at January 01, 2015 01:31 PM (+XMAD)

177 172 167
I think we should help Lurker in WY come up with a nick.

No Fucking My Cows?

Or

I don't fuck my cows?
Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:28 PM (0FSuD)

Wyoming. So sheep.

Posted by: BHOFSAWC at January 01, 2015 01:31 PM (myLs7)

178 172 167
I think we should help Lurker in WY come up with a nick.

No Fucking My Cows?

Or

I don't fuck my cows?
Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:28 PM (0FSuD)

Backdoor Rancher?

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 01:31 PM (MQEz6)

179 Too much snagging of the fish and veg?

Posted by: MikeH at January 01, 2015 01:30 PM (4OZqu)

****

Catch your willie in that squeezebox during "Flight of the Bumblebee" and you'll understand why they call it a 'bellows'.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:32 PM (NeFrd)

180 "Lurker in WY" is not a good enough nick?

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 01:32 PM (D6PHF)

181 I am going to really, I mean really, stop fucking white women.

Posted by: Bill Cosby at January 01, 2015 01:32 PM (0FSuD)

182 173 Mandy, a friend of my sisters was able to get a deal through her job with Nutrisystems. I've always hated the whole idea of buying food plans from some company, but we got the entire first month for free and then steeply discounted thereafter. I wouldn't have considered it if we hadn't been able to get a good deal on it because I hate the whole idea of eating prepackaged stuff. I will see how it goes....
Posted by: Donna &&&&&& V. (brandishing ampersands) at January 01, 2015 01:29 PM (+XMAD)

It worked for me, the real challenge is when you have to transition back to regular meals

Posted by: MikeH at January 01, 2015 01:32 PM (4OZqu)

183 Beer barrel polka? I didn't even know 'er.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:32 PM (NeFrd)

184 Also, I resolve to increase the quality time I spend napping on the couch while listening to "Discovery ID" murder shows.

Posted by: shibumi who is awaiting SMOD at January 01, 2015 01:33 PM (LeFwz)

185 No more cocaine and red-haired strippers named Tyffani.

Posted by: Colorado Alex at January 01, 2015 01:33 PM (10ydV)

186 181 I am going to really, I mean really, stop fucking white women.
Posted by: Bill Cosby at January 01, 2015 01:32 PM (0FSuD)

You left out the word drugged.

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 01:33 PM (MQEz6)

187 I am never going to buy another roofie. Seriously.

Posted by: Bill Cosby at January 01, 2015 01:33 PM (0FSuD)

188 Ricardo:

>>Prolly should change my name?
>> Posted by: Lurker in Wyoming at January 01, 2015 01:16 PM (8GeZz)

Posted by: Y-not at January 01, 2015 01:34 PM (9BRsg)

189 Posted by: MikeH at January 01, 2015 01:32 PM (4OZqu)

Yeah, that's what I fear will be a problem.

Posted by: Donna &&&&&& V. (brandishing ampersands) at January 01, 2015 01:34 PM (+XMAD)

190 I resolve to believe the Ancient Aliens guy.

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 01:34 PM (MQEz6)

191 I think WY Lurker is better than Lurker in WY.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:35 PM (0FSuD)

192 Let's see. He lives in Wyoming, and *alerted* right smartly to the heavy caliber range report.

I think we'll call him "Tex".

Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim at January 01, 2015 01:35 PM (RzZOc)

193
Are there any improvements you want to make in your life? Do you want to spend more time reading? Or exercising? Or maybe masturbating?

How DARE you imply that I exercise.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at January 01, 2015 01:35 PM (8v9fw)

194 Okay, I'm dumb. Still not getting it.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 01:36 PM (D6PHF)

195 I resolve to go to work and be a productive member of society.

Posted by: "Dreamer" with 3 EBT cards at January 01, 2015 01:36 PM (t1dCc)

196 I think we'll call him "Tex".

Jim

Sunk New Dawn

Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim at January 01, 2015 01:35 PM (RzZOc)

Wait, Texas owns WY too? Shit, what don't you all own?

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:37 PM (0FSuD)

197 I resolve if at all possible to make a commitment to try to make an honest attempt to continue to endeavor to persevere some more, if I can...

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:37 PM (NeFrd)

198 ...maybe!

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:37 PM (NeFrd)

199 I resolve not to invade any more countries.

Posted by: Val Putin at January 01, 2015 01:37 PM (oKE6c)

200 Posted by: MikeH at January 01, 2015 01:32 PM (4OZqu)

It annoys me very much that you can't have balsamic vinegar on the diet. I wonder wtf is up with that, since all other vinegars are allowed. I've got a couple of bottles of the high end stuff and I'm irritated that I can't use it as salad dresssing.

Posted by: Donna &&&&&& V. (brandishing ampersands) at January 01, 2015 01:37 PM (+XMAD)

201
191 I think WY Lurker is better than Lurker in WY.
Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:35 PM (0FSuD)

YWnirekruL?

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 01:37 PM (MQEz6)

202 I resolve to tell the truth from now on.

Kidding!

Posted by: Emperor Obongo I at January 01, 2015 01:38 PM (oKE6c)

203 Lurker in Wyoming, my heart goes out to you. You have found a great place to hang out, with some truly amazing people.

My resolution is to pray more, and more sincerely this year. I want to do all the self-help stuff, but I think that this is primarily what I need to focus on-rather than my inclination to bitch and moan. It certainly can't hurt.

Posted by: Moki at January 01, 2015 01:38 PM (bAB8f)

204
I have resolved to quit having Katesomes with Upton and Beckinsale in 2015.

I figure I'll actually be able to keep that resolution.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at January 01, 2015 01:39 PM (8v9fw)

205 WYL, e coyote?

Posted by: Piercello at January 01, 2015 01:39 PM (JybVy)

206 No balsamic vinegar? That's just criminal.

Posted by: Lauren at January 01, 2015 01:39 PM (MYCIw)

207 194 Okay, I'm dumb. Still not getting it.
Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 01:36 PM (D6PHF)

Listen, the way to "get it" is to listen to her, try to understand her feelings and make her feel loved...

Posted by: MikeH at January 01, 2015 01:39 PM (4OZqu)

208 I resolve to spend less of your money on Teddy bears this year.

Posted by: Glenn Beck at January 01, 2015 01:39 PM (XzRw1)

209 I resolve to stop being right all the time because fcuk you that's why!

Posted by: Fritz at January 01, 2015 01:40 PM (dVmLD)

210 I lost 26 pounds over the second half of 2014 following Weight Watchers and exercising regularly. My weight loss began with the stomach flu the day after the NoVaMoMe. Shut up, it really was the flu, and it lasted for three days. I'm going to start lifting weights again in February. Giving the ol' back a full year post surgery before I start up again.

Posted by: no good deed at January 01, 2015 01:40 PM (w3a0Z)

211 How about:

Lurker in the only other rectangular state that's not Colorado

too long?

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:40 PM (NeFrd)

212 I resolve to actually leave my office this year and not just talk about leaving.

Posted by: Eric Holder at January 01, 2015 01:40 PM (XzRw1)

213
I resolve to get anus tightening surgery for Reggie.

Posted by: Baraka The Malignant at January 01, 2015 01:41 PM (BLFGI)

214 "Listen, the way to "get it" is to listen to her, try to understand her feelings and make her feel loved...
"

Oprah, is that you?

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 01:41 PM (D6PHF)

215 Figure out the calendaring part of my Ipad/phone... really that is my resolution, by December I will have it down.

Posted by: petunia at January 01, 2015 01:42 PM (M1eBo)

216 214 "Listen, the way to "get it" is to listen to her, try to understand her feelings and make her feel loved...
"

Oprah, is that you?

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 01:41 PM (D6PHF)

Fooled ya!

Posted by: Dr Phil at January 01, 2015 01:42 PM (4OZqu)

217

190
I resolve to believe the Ancient Aliens guy.

http://tinyurl.com/nkytj73

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:43 PM (0FSuD)

218 I resolve to try really hard not to be a bitch to my husband who's still taking a nap even though I told him 20 minutes ago that the freaking hoppin john I've been cooking all morning is ready. .

Posted by: Lauren at January 01, 2015 01:43 PM (MYCIw)

219 I love the Horde like a slightly manic extended family, but I have *got* to spend less time here or else face having my meatworld life fall into complete disarray. The problem is, every time I try to step away I just *know* that Distributed Horde Knowledge is revealing any number of fascinating information that I'm missing out on.

Posted by: Polliwog the 'Ette at January 01, 2015 01:43 PM (GDulk)

220 I'm going to try to not hate my fellow Californians 100% of the time. Maybe just shoot for 80%. You know, baby steps.

Also, come up with more creative and humorous ways to insult people who do stupid or rude stuff while driving.

Posted by: Joanne at January 01, 2015 01:44 PM (qbNX7)

221 I resolve to donate my forehead to science.

Posted by: Progressive Flo at January 01, 2015 01:44 PM (Dwehj)

222 "Fooled ya!

Posted by: Dr Phil"

You sonofabitch!

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at January 01, 2015 01:44 PM (D6PHF)

223 I resolve to sue the inventor of Sudoku for oppressively constraining the numbers to just one per row, column and 3X3 square.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:44 PM (NeFrd)

224 "Fifty-one years ago, Arthur Lampitt of Granite
City, Illinois, smashed his 1963 Thunderbird into a truck. This week
during surgery in suburban St. Louis, a 7-inch turn signal lever from
that T-Bird was removed from his left arm."

Posted by: zombie at January 01, 2015 01:25 PM (K4YiS)

What? The blinking red light on his ass for the last half-century didn't give it away?

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at January 01, 2015 01:44 PM (mtmZ0)

225 213
I resolve to get anus tightening surgery for Reggie.
Posted by: Baraka The Malignant at January 01, 2015 01:41 PM (BLFGI)

Can only do that so many times before you strip the threads

Posted by: MikeH at January 01, 2015 01:44 PM (4OZqu)

226 I resolve to present my middle finger any smart cars i observe on the road.

Posted by: Thin veneer of civility at January 01, 2015 01:44 PM (XzRw1)

227 I resolve to donate my forehead to science.

Posted by: Progressive Flo at January 01, 2015 01:44 PM (Dwehj)

****

Word!

Posted by: Peyton Manning at January 01, 2015 01:44 PM (NeFrd)

228 I resolve to give Hector my entire collection of Serbian knock-knock jokes.

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 01:45 PM (MQEz6)

229 I told him 20 minutes ago that the freaking hoppin john I've been cooking all morning is ready.

No black-eyed peas and cabbage over here today. I opted for red beans and rice instead.

Posted by: no good deed at January 01, 2015 01:45 PM (w3a0Z)

230 'Cowboy Troi'

Posted by: garrett at January 01, 2015 01:45 PM (7VdF5)

231 I told him 20 minutes ago that the freaking hoppin john I've been cooking all morning is ready. .

Posted by: Lauren at January 01, 2015 01:43 PM (MYCIw)

I'll be right over, what was that address again?

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:45 PM (0FSuD)

232 We resolve to finally die on a hill.

Posted by: GOP monkeys, fucking a football at January 01, 2015 01:46 PM (t1dCc)

233
OK, since Ace is going to do follow up and y'all will get the opportunity to mock me later I hereby resolve:

Exercise an average of 60 minutes per day
Burn 13,000 calories per month on an elliptical
Average 900 push-ups per month

Posted by: tbodie at January 01, 2015 01:46 PM (8oSoU)

234 A quick toot on the ol' meat whistle works better than nagging. Or so I've heard.

Posted by: Bill "Feminist" Clinton at January 01, 2015 01:46 PM (MbqmP)

235

121 Gotta deal with the anxiety. I no longer worry about the hereafter, but in the meantime, the anxiety cycle (anxiety causes fight-or-flight response, which in turn makes the situation worse, which in turn causes more anxiety, lather, rinse, repeat) makes this life tough to bear.

Pills or something. Therapy is expensive and not terribly effective for men.

"How do you feel?"

"Scared."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Scared."

Etc

Not sure how you feel about prayer and faith but this works. Get a piece of paper-or several pieces- and write everything you are anxious about on the paper. Then get a box and put the paper in the box. Quietly tell God that you have tried dealing with these things but to no avail, so you are now giving these over to God with faith. Then put the box away and tell yourself that if you reopen the box it will be because you do not trust God or that you think you can handle these things better, or that you enjoy being anxious.

Posted by: Chilling the most at January 01, 2015 01:46 PM (wWs6x)

236 OT: There is a picture of Henry Kissinger on Drudge. He looks rather like a white, old version of Detroit's former mayor/criminal Kwame Kilpatrick.

Posted by: shibumi who is awaiting SMOD at January 01, 2015 01:46 PM (LeFwz)

237 229-we went slavic, with doughnuts this morning. Filet mignon tonight, with black eyed peas for hubby. I've had them every new years' for the last six years, and they have all been horrible. I'm not doing it this year.

Posted by: Moki at January 01, 2015 01:47 PM (bAB8f)

238 I do believe the name of the traditional dish "Hoppin' John" was coined by a naked accordion player.

Posted by: Peyton Manning at January 01, 2015 01:47 PM (NeFrd)

239 No black-eyed peas and ~~cabbage~~collard greens over here today. I opted for red beans and rice instead.

Posted by: no good deed at January 01, 2015 01:45 PM (w3a0Z)

FIFY.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:47 PM (0FSuD)

240 I'm goin' Full Bullworth.

Posted by: El Presidente* at January 01, 2015 01:48 PM (ePnKH)

241 236 OT: There is a picture of Henry Kissinger on Drudge. He looks rather like a white, old version of Detroit's former mayor/criminal Kwame Kilpatrick.
Posted by: shibumi who is awaiting SMOD at January 01, 2015 01:46 PM (LeFwz)

He looks like Emperor of the Tick People.

Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 01:48 PM (MQEz6)

242 Sigh. We're having Bouncing Bo here at the WH.

Posted by: Slow Uncle Joe Biden at January 01, 2015 01:48 PM (Dwehj)

243 220 I'm going to try to not hate my fellow Californians 100% of the time. Maybe just shoot for 80%. You know, baby steps.

Posted by: Joanne at January 01, 2015 01:44 PM (qbNX7)

You call THAT a baby step?

Posted by: Jay Guevara at January 01, 2015 01:49 PM (oKE6c)

244 Off giant-headed quarterback sock.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:49 PM (NeFrd)

245 242
Sigh. We're having Bouncing Bo here at the WH.

Posted by: Slow Uncle Joe Biden at January 01, 2015 01:48 PM (Dwehj)

Grilled or fried?

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:49 PM (0FSuD)

246 Also... I have no idea what 'Hoppin' John' is, but I am pretty sure it's racist.

Please denounce yourself.

Posted by: shibumi who is awaiting SMOD at January 01, 2015 01:49 PM (LeFwz)

247 I resolve to lose the 2016 presidential election by supporting Jeb Bush and killing off all Tea Party candidates.

Posted by: GOPe says fuck you we know better at January 01, 2015 01:50 PM (qbNX7)

248 He looks like Emperor of the Tick People.
Posted by: eman at January 01, 2015 01:48 PM (MQEz6)

I'm hung-over as hell & I'm just about to throw up from laughing here.

Posted by: Anderson Cooper's Smoked Sausages at January 01, 2015 01:50 PM (MbqmP)

249 Grilled or fried?

Falafeled.

Posted by: Slow Uncle Joe Biden at January 01, 2015 01:50 PM (Dwehj)

250 Okay everyone- close your eyes and try NOT to picture Peyton Manning playing an accordion while naked in the AFC Championship Game.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:51 PM (NeFrd)

251 Not sure how you feel about prayer and faith but this works. Get a piece of paper-or several pieces- and write everything you are anxious about on the paper. Then get a box and put the paper in the box. Quietly tell God that you have tried dealing with these things but to no avail, so you are now giving these over to God with faith. Then put the box away and tell yourself that if you reopen the box it will be because you do not trust God or that you think you can handle these things better, or that you enjoy being anxious.

While this is a good thing to do, I would also check with my doctor to see if some anti-anxiety medication perhaps might be appropriate.

Also, the head ewok himself has had to deal with these sorts of problems, perhaps dropping him an e-mail might be profitable.

Posted by: OregonMuse at January 01, 2015 01:51 PM (DVjiu)

252
Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:51 PM (NeFrd)

Why do you hate the Horde?

Posted by: tbodie at January 01, 2015 01:52 PM (8oSoU)

253 I love the Horde like a slightly manic extended family, but I have *got* to spend less time here or else face having my meatworld life fall into complete disarray. The problem is, every time I try to step away I just *know* that Distributed Horde Knowledge is revealing any number of fascinating information that I'm missing out on.

THIS^^

Such an enjoyable time suck.

Posted by: Infidel at January 01, 2015 01:52 PM (RCZUF)

254 Hey, that's my gig!

Posted by: Naked Accordion Playing Rob Lowe at January 01, 2015 01:52 PM (NeFrd)

255 Okay everyone- close your eyes and try NOT to picture Peyton Manning playing an accordion while naked in the AFC Championship Game.

Muldoon, you bastard.

Posted by: OregonMuse at January 01, 2015 01:52 PM (DVjiu)

256 Sigh. We're having Bouncing Bo here at the WH.

Posted by: Slow Uncle Joe Biden at January 01, 2015 01:48 PM (Dwehj)

Grilled or fried?

Stuff it with sausage and twinkies!

Posted by: Hank Graf Kissinger at January 01, 2015 01:52 PM (XzRw1)

257 Posted by: Jay Guevara at January 01, 2015 01:49 PM (oKE6c)

Yeah .......... okay, I guess 99% is more feasible. Thanks!

Posted by: Joanne at January 01, 2015 01:52 PM (qbNX7)

258 Posted by: tbodie at January 01, 2015 01:52 PM (8oSoU)

***

I said "NOT" to picture it.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:53 PM (NeFrd)

259 http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/1996-07-27/

Posted by: Anderson Cooper's Smoked Sausages at January 01, 2015 01:53 PM (MbqmP)

260 SHARP!

...finally. 2-1 Caps.

Posted by: garrett at January 01, 2015 01:54 PM (7VdF5)

261 I'm thinking about disagreeing strongly this time, in a nurturing, loving way to an opponent I'm sure is good-hearted but just a bit mis-guided.

Posted by: Mitt, one more time at January 01, 2015 01:54 PM (ePnKH)

262 I resolve to cut back a bit on the paste.

Posted by: Slow Uncle Joe Biden at January 01, 2015 01:54 PM (Dwehj)

263 Muldoon, you bastard.

Posted by: OregonMuse at January 01, 2015 01:52 PM (DVjiu)

****

I'll just infer the tacit 'marvelous' in your comment

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:55 PM (NeFrd)

264 Happy new year, all!

What Polliwog 'ette said.
I'm not very good w/New Year's resolutions, so I'll start small.

Posted by: Lizzy at January 01, 2015 01:55 PM (ABcz/)

265 250 -

That's easy. Since there is about a 0% chance the Broncos will be in the Championship game.

Posted by: BurtTC at January 01, 2015 01:55 PM (Dj0WE)

266 I said "NOT" to picture it. Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 01:53 PM (NeFrd) ..*waves hand*.BAH..

Posted by: tbodie at January 01, 2015 01:57 PM (8oSoU)

267 I was nice. Resolution accomplished.

Posted by: Lauren at January 01, 2015 01:57 PM (MYCIw)

268 The NY Slimes resolution must be to shove liberal shit out as news everyday.

Two stories today. "Min wage increase a great "raise" for million."

Now, "Government spending aids economy"

Full blown editorials as news. They should change their name to Pravda.

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:57 PM (0FSuD)

269 Fewer children born from adultery, IF The Man stops keepin' me down.

Posted by: The REVEREND Jackson at January 01, 2015 01:57 PM (ePnKH)

270 153
More X's and fewer 9's?

Posted by: Weasel at January 01, 2015 01:23 PM (e3bId)
------Truly. But that will involve more practice time. I shot a 289 in practice last week, showed up to league and shoot a 540 series. I really wanted to shoot my practice scores.

Posted by: Old Blue at January 01, 2015 01:58 PM (vVSOO)

271 I resolve not to support my local PBA

Peachtree City police chief shoots wife
http://tinyurl.com/ntajusr

Posted by: Thin veneer of civility at January 01, 2015 01:58 PM (XzRw1)

272 Seamus Muldoon, I just swapped out Manning for Tebow and that image ain't so bad....

Posted by: Lizzy at January 01, 2015 01:58 PM (ABcz/)

273 257 Posted by: Jay Guevara at January 01, 2015 01:49 PM (oKE6c)
Yeah .......... okay, I guess 99% is more feasible. Thanks!
Posted by: Joanne at January 01, 2015 01:52 PM (qbNX7)

No problem. Be strong, my sister.

For my part, I resolve to make my facial expression more like a smile and less like I'm having a gas pain when one of neighbors goes on a liberal rant.

Posted by: Jay Guevara at January 01, 2015 01:59 PM (oKE6c)

274 I resolve to use a smaller switch.

Posted by: Adrian Peterson at January 01, 2015 01:59 PM (Dwehj)

275 109 My goal is the same as every year: to live forever!
So far, so good.

My goal has always been to live to be 100 ....and then reassess.

Posted by: MrObvious at January 01, 2015 01:59 PM (DkZrV)

276 @271

How do you "Accidentally" shot your wife TWICE?

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:59 PM (0FSuD)

277 Next year in Havana.

Posted by: Barry "I'm Jewish in my Soul" the Red at January 01, 2015 02:00 PM (ePnKH)

278 I resolve to actually cut Bronco's nuts off sometime this year.

Posted by: Jesse Jackson at January 01, 2015 02:01 PM (XzRw1)

279

Okay, so my refrigerator is annoying me because it won't stay cold. I keep a thermometer in there because I am very concerned about the temp of my vittles. Seriously. Plus I have things in the freezer that must stay frozen. I won't go into any more detail.

So I'm just about ready to dump this unit and by a new one. But first the idea to try a different thermometer occurs to me. Guess what? The original thermometer is no longer accurate. So, using obama math, I just saved $$ from not buying a new fridge!

Posted by: All 2014 Soothsayers Must Go Clearance Sale! at January 01, 2015 02:01 PM (haxo2)

280 How do you "Accidentally" shot your wife TWICE?

Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 01:59 PM (0FSuD)

****

Maybe Pixy now makes firearms.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 01, 2015 02:01 PM (NeFrd)

281 How do you "Accidentally" shot your wife TWICE?

Because only cops should have guns. Now shut up.

Posted by: Thin veneer of civility at January 01, 2015 02:02 PM (XzRw1)

282 >>How do you "Accidentally" shot your wife TWICE?
Posted by: Nip Sip

The first shot just winged her.

Posted by: Aviator at January 01, 2015 02:04 PM (3rrMW)

283 I shoot F-Open and managed a 197x7 in a 1000 yd match last month - hope to keep that up!

Posted by: Weasel at January 01, 2015 02:04 PM (e3bId)

284 Only blowjobs. They're not sex, amiright ladies? #WarOnWomen

Posted by: Bill Clinton's crooked member at January 01, 2015 02:04 PM (ePnKH)

285 nood

Posted by: tbodie at January 01, 2015 02:05 PM (8oSoU)

286 I resolve to spread more lime in the crawlspace.

Posted by: Harry Reid at January 01, 2015 02:06 PM (xrURQ)

287 "How do you "Accidentally" shot your wife TWICE?"

Maybe he called 911...

"Two guys are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn't appear to be breathing.
His buddy takes out his cell phone and immediately calls 911. Gasping, he says to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

"Take it easy and calm down," the operator says in a calm voice. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's silence and then a shot is heard. The guy comes back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

Posted by: MikeH at January 01, 2015 02:06 PM (4OZqu)

288 >>Plus I have things in the freezer that must stay frozen. I won't go into any more detail.

Have you considered a shallow hole in the woods and several bags of lime?

Posted by: Aviator at January 01, 2015 02:07 PM (3rrMW)

289 I'd like to meet Hillary, IYKWIMAITTYD

Posted by: Bill DeBlasio's Former(?) Carpet Munching Wife at January 01, 2015 02:09 PM (ePnKH)

290 I resolve to perfect my Sophia-Loren-cat's-eye-make-up-technique.

Yes, I can be that shallow,but it's been a life-long dream and I promise I'll only wear it on stage and not when I am going to the supermarket.

Posted by: RondinellaMamma at January 01, 2015 02:09 PM (oQQwD)

291
I'm thinking about disagreeing strongly this time, in a nurturing, loving way to an opponent I'm sure is good-hearted but just a bit mis-guided.

Posted by: Mitt, one more time at January 01, 2015 01:54 PM (ePnKH)

Take it from me, that only works if you do it in order to lull your opponent into a sense of false security so you can stab them in the tongue with a shrimp fork.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at January 01, 2015 02:11 PM (8v9fw)

292 Oh, yeah, and I'm going to donate to every candidate who runs against a shit-head GOPe incumbent.

We have to work on the Ace Plan for 2016

Posted by: Joanne at January 01, 2015 02:13 PM (qbNX7)

293 Posted by: All 2014 Soothsayers Must Go Clearance Sale! at January 01, 2015 02:01 PM (haxo2)

You need at least three thermometers for reference purposes!

Posted by: Hrothgar at January 01, 2015 02:17 PM (fL/7/)

294 I resolve to never buy another thing published by Harper Collins.

Holy crap. I thought the whole Israel thing was just a mistake.

Let's put reality on the endangered species list.

Posted by: Dollar Store Sock at January 01, 2015 02:18 PM (QTEtN)

295 New baby boy (2nd) in two weeks or less. No time for resolutions.

Posted by: flounder at January 01, 2015 02:20 PM (FHh8u)

296 I'm trying to gain weight. I have to get a bigger appetite. How do I do that?

Posted by: Carol at January 01, 2015 02:39 PM (sj3Ax)

297 Start the list with a cheezburger.

http://cheezburger.com/8415876096

Posted by: DaveA at January 01, 2015 03:01 PM (DL2i+)

298 Back into weight training, ride the stationary bike after work, eat more protein since I discovered I'm getting about 1/4 what I need.

Posted by: Quint&Jessel, Sea of Azof, Bly, UK at January 01, 2015 03:03 PM (0I3D8)

299 My resolutions are

1) Pull my head out of my ass

2) Find employment

I'm sure the two are related.

Posted by: fluffy at January 01, 2015 03:04 PM (Ua6T/)

300 >>>Now I am feeling guilty about 20 years of shit in my attic, including my dad's WWII gas mask and sleeping bag. Really.
Posted by: Nip Sip at January 01, 2015 12:56 PM (0FSuD)

Maybe see if a veterans group or museum might want some of the WWII equipment?

Posted by: m at January 01, 2015 03:21 PM (Du8uM)

301 I would love to masturbate more often, but 8 times a day is all I can manhandle at my age.

Posted by: @PeeteySDee at January 01, 2015 03:21 PM (XZ07G)

302 I made a resolution 20 years ago not not make any New Year's resolutions.

Posted by: Pork Chop at January 01, 2015 03:43 PM (bbI04)

303 121 Gotta deal with the anxiety. I no longer worry about the hereafter, but in the meantime, the anxiety cycle (anxiety causes fight-or-flight response, which in turn makes the situation worse, which in turn causes more anxiety, lather, rinse, repeat) makes this life tough to bear.

Pills or something. Therapy is expensive and not terribly effective for men.

"How do you feel?"

"Scared."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Scared."

Etc.

Bob's House--this thread is probably dead--but I just saw your post and coincidentally I just got sidetracked into spending half the day researching anxiety. Two things you might like to check out: a book by Jeff Bell called "Rewind, Replay, Repeat, a Memoir of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" and a "medication and psychology-free" approach to treating anxiety of all kinds by a Brit called Charles Linden. Info available online. The Linden method looks like the real deal to me.

Posted by: Emily at January 01, 2015 04:06 PM (7Rn+/)

304 I'm going to:
-lose weight
-eat healthily
-exercise regularly
-be on time for everything
-organize my house, and keep it neat.

If I'm going to fail, I think I should fail big.

Posted by: Lily at January 01, 2015 04:23 PM (dXCcK)

305 Zombie: with two qualifications:
A) I haven't read it yet
B) That's never stopped a Hordie before

Why don't you call it Rationalism.

Posted by: Richard McEnroe at January 01, 2015 05:47 PM (ZzO04)

306 >>>109 My goal is the same as every year: to live forever!
So far, so good.
Posted by: votermom at January 01, 2015 01:07 PM (YhYyi)

Nice!

Posted by: m at January 01, 2015 06:06 PM (Du8uM)

307 Thanks, Emily. Will check those out.

Posted by: BHOFSAWC at January 01, 2015 06:39 PM (myLs7)

308
5 years sober and counting!
Posted by: Ted Kennedy at January 01, 2015 01:03 PM

Bullshit. 3 years, tops.

Posted by: Xavier at January 01, 2015 08:42 PM (jjHmA)

309 I want to read the Bible in one year - I've never done that. I want to lose 10 more pounds. I want to read a whole cycle in one year: a cycle is 6 books off my shelf that I've never read, 6 new books, and 6 books on my Nook, reading one of each simultaneously, 100 pages of each at a time. I also do an alternation deal w/ watching TV, where I read 2 paragraphs and then watch 12 lines of dialogue, or 2 sentences w/ one play if it's football.

Posted by: norrin radd at January 01, 2015 10:34 PM (HIFlT)

310 To read more books.

Posted by: fluke_boy at January 01, 2015 10:35 PM (jqe5A)

311 Escort girls http://REGMODELS.RU

Posted by: Tina at January 03, 2015 06:46 PM (rKEiy)

Processing 0.03, elapsed 0.0439 seconds.
14 queries taking 0.0176 seconds, 319 records returned.
Page size 141 kb.
Powered by Minx 0.8 beta.