October 03, 2003
Again with the Synergist
Bill has been telling drunken fool stories which prove once again that he's crude and crass and falling-down funny all at the same time. Meanwhile John has taught us a new word that means 'fear of turning into a pumpkin' - apocolocynposis.
Not since "Virtual Jennifer: Skin or Other" has the synergist in me emerged so strongly. This is why we should all fear Bill becoming a pumpkin.Posted by: Ted at 07:15 AM | Comments (50) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
October 02, 2003
Rocket Jones’ Great Random Google Junket
Looks like it's either feast or famine. Today it’s a feast. Thank you thank you thank you.
On today’s menu: AppetizersPhogiston, with cream of Pixy Misa
Centrifugal, with Jennifer on the half shell
Period, ala Victor the younger Entrees
Apocolocynposis, with dill and just a hint of John
Prosaic, lightly tossed with balsamic vinegarette and Daniel
Huslanka, grilled and served with The Meatriarch Desserts
Reciprocity, sounds deliciously LeeAnn, doesn't it?
Fatuous, rich and smooth, pure Serenity
Illustrious, traditional, yet Susie From the bar
Bier, imported or domestic (we ID Mookie)
Saliva, by the glass, magnum, or Tuning Spork Bon Apetit! phogiston + centrifugal
Gnomish weaponry. Who didn’t see that one coming? And, The Encyclopedia of World History tells of the 1673 theories of phlogiston and centrifugal motion, as well as the invention of the pendulum clock. period + apocolocyntosis
Sorry John, I think the original was misspelled although it looks like it was intentional. Google corrected it and we got hits! Well, what we got was multiple hits about The Satyricon by Seneca the Apocolocyntosis, a book about a period in Roman history. prosaic + bier
The Beer Advocate and a review of Samuel Adams Weiss Bier. These slug puppies want you to subscribe in order to get full access to their site. Translation: pay for their beer. Nice scam guys, but I’ll do my own research. Reading some of the reviews is creepy because these guys aren’t just describing a beer as much as autopsying their best friend. On a happier note, this newspaper article describes a person who organizes the funeral of your dreams for you. Me? I wanna watch mine from the balcony. With a pellet gun. saliva + reciprocity
“Slicking one finger with his saliva, Riker carefully inserted just the tip into Spock's anus.” Star Trek Porn, entitled Reciprocity. First on the list too. No link, because if it don’t have T’Pau getting down, I don’t wanna read it. Farther down the list is a site about some pagan religion and the positive aspects of holy saliva. huslanka
Fess up, A. I figured out enough to know that this is a foreign word and has something to do with yogurt. Sour milk? There were hits in Italian, German, Polish, and some slavic language. Very very sly. fatuous + illustrious
The first hit is a rambling screed against Arafat and the 9/11 hijackers. Here’s the link, although I don’t think it worth wasting time on. Wild Wales: Its people, language and scenery. An online book of mild interest to me, you might find it more or less so. Ahhh, history. The Great Historic Families of Scotland. Scroll down for lots more information. Now this is stuff I can get into. We’ll finish up with a moonbat posting. Decline of the West, by George Szamuely. It’s dated from 2000 though, so I have no idea what else he’s done or is currently up to. I don’t care enough to check. So that’s everything this time except for one special set of submitted words. Next time we’ll have the special Stevie edition of the Random Google Junket. Make sure you tighten your seatbelts for that one, because it could be an interesting ride. With any luck that is. Again my thanks to everyone who suggested a word. Do it again. Don’t make me beg because you never know, we both might like it.
Posted by: Ted at 02:51 PM | Comments (59) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Rocket Science
Over on the Rec.Models.Rockets newsgroup, Jesse asked:
"How come on real rockets they always have funnel like things on the back of the thruster thingo?"
"Because the hot flamey stuff that comes out of the thruster thingo is accelleratized to the fastness of that noisy stuff you hear by passing through an other-way funnel-like thingy before it reaches the funnel-like things you see, and by going through the funnel-like things it embiggens, which acceleratizes it to several times faster than that noisy stuff you hear. The faster the flamey stuff leaves the thruster thingo, the faster the rocket travels when it runs out of the gunk it burns."
He's absolutely right you know. *Peter Alway wrote Rockets of the World and its many supplements as well as historical reference and scale modelling data books. He also raises rabbits and teaches astronomy at a college in the midwest.
Posted by: Ted at 07:57 AM | Comments (55) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Immanent boobage
Do some good with that stack of folded Georges, gentlemen.
The second annual Blogger Boobie-thon is underway. Billed as "the charity drive that gives you a little something in return", monetary donations are being accepted for research into breast cancer. Pictorial donations are being posted on the photos page. Yes, it's for real. Guys, explain to a stripper why she's not getting a tip from you and she just might flash you a freebie for being such a sweetie. There has been some speculation about 'the picture' that Jennifer sent to me and nobody else. Since this is for a good cause and all... If you promise you'll go visit and donate, then I'll let you have a peek at some genuine Munuvian erotica.Posted by: Ted at 07:37 AM | Comments (49) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Yet another "huh?" moment
Sniper suspect Lee Malvo took the stand yesterday and invoked his Fifth Amendment right to remain silent.
Afterwards, his defense attorney held a news conference and said that it would be unethical for prosecutors to call Malvo to the stand in front of a jury knowing that he would plead the fifth. I'm not a lawyer, I don't even play one on TV, but how the hell would that be unethical? At worst, it should be a null action, neither good nor bad. Realistically, it would probably be looked at negatively by a jury, although it could be argued that the jury might look at it as picking on the 'poor' child. Unethical? I don't think so. Today is the one-year anniversary of the first death from the D.C. snipers. These two are guilty and everyone knows it. I'm glad to see the system working, and the defense fighting as hard as they can for their clients. It's not going to help though. I hope they fry.Posted by: Ted at 06:34 AM | Comments (49) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Trick or treat
I know what Victor and Nic are giving out Halloween night.
Posted by: Ted at 06:28 AM | Comments (49) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
October 01, 2003
Wait until the CSPI gets wind of this
California candidate Cruz Bustamonte has a sister, Nao, who is a performance artist. In 1992 she did a piece called "Indigurrito" in which she strapped-on a burrito to her loins and called for white men to come up on stage, take a bite out of the burrito and absolve themselves of 500 years of the white man's guilt.
Do you think all that absolution burns more calories than eating the burrito?Posted by: Ted at 06:17 PM | Comments (49) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Ejection over the Suburbs
Bill Whittle of Eject! Eject! Eject! has his newest essay posted. Power.
It's hump day people and you might be looking for new and interesting stuff to read. May I suggest the Cul-de-sac, courtesy of Kelley at Suburban Blight?Posted by: Ted at 12:08 PM | Comments (46) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Limbaugh slams Huffington
Rush Limbaugh today slammed Arianna Huffington for dropping out of the race for California governor.
"I don't think she's been that good from the get-go," Limbaugh said. "I think what we've had here is a little social concern, and the media has been very desirous that a woman do well. There was a little hope invested in Huffington, and it's proved to have been misplaced."
Posted by: Ted at 07:45 AM | Comments (50) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
I'm actually in the middle of a draft about writing styles. I stunk (stanked?) at English and grammar.What if?
An Allied victory in World War II was by no means a sure thing. Adolph Hitler made several strategic mistakes that helped turn the tide and probably shortened the European war.
An interesting book on the subject is Hitler's Mistakes, by Ronald Lewin. In this book, the author points out twelve major blunders made by Hiter in the prelude to the war and during the actual conflict. If you enjoy speculative fiction, you might like Hitler Victorious. This alternative-history collection of short stories contains eleven tales based on the premise that Germany won WWII. This is by no means great literature, but it is a thought-provoking read. My favorite story is Thor meets Captain America with it's chilling rationale behind the mysticism practiced by the Third Reich. One thing Hitler possessed was vision. Sometimes his dreams were near insanity, but in many ways this faculty allowed his scientists the freedom to design wildly imaginative solutions to a given problem. Add the classic Tuetonic attention to detail, and there were warmaking weapons on the drawing boards that were twenty years ahead of their time. Take some time to visit Luft '46 and look around. As you explore the site and admire the elegant designs and breathtaking creativity, remind yourself that it's not fiction. Each and every idea outlined was a real and documented project of Hitler's Luftwaffe. Truly frightening.Posted by: Ted at 06:02 AM | Comments (52) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Roast Ted Time
Okey-dokey. I'm in a debate on another blog, and I made the following statement (quoting myself):
The government has the right to nothing not specifically allowed by the constitution. The vast majority of constitutions allow the citizenry rights, the US Constitution allows the government rights. Big difference. Critical distinction. One person tells me that I have it 'precisely wrong' and that 'reality is the exact opposite'. Am I brain dead? Did I state it as badly as that? Looking at it, I think maybe I did. What I didn't expressly say - but meant - was that most constitutions assume that the State has supreme power, whereas the US Constitution assumes that that people have supreme power. Go on. Fling stuff at me. Spears and arrows of derision, or support and encouragement. Suggestions for getting this point across better than I have. Cash. Whatever. Update: Agreement was reached after adding that one clarifying statement about supreme power. It's good to not be stupid, accidentally or otherwise. Thanks for the input.Posted by: Ted at 05:59 AM | Comments (53) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Sinking of the Kursk
On August 12, 2000, the Russian submarine Kursk suffered a catastrophic emergency during a training exercise which quickly caused the boat to sink with all hands lost.
According to the Russian Naval Museum, there were two distinct explosions heard aboard the Kursk. Some maintain that a third explosion was detected as well. These explosions were verified by two US submarines and a British submarine which were shadowing the Russian fleet. Further corroboration came from US and a Norwegian Intelligence gathering ships in the area, as well as units of the Russian fleet involved in the exercise. there were many theories about what happened aboard the Kursk, some downright silly. Among the plausible ones put forth: Collision with unknown surface or submersible ship.Hitting a mine (modern or World War II times).
Foreign torpedo hit as a result of fatal error of foreign submarine.
Explosion during trial a "secret torpedo" or other newest Russian weapon.
Mass debilitation of crew by a decompression sickness at the moment of transition from "whale jump" to emergency diving. In result the submarine went out of control, was stuck against the seabed, there was weapons explosion later.
Hit by "secret, latest" weapon of NATO. Some crew members survived the original explosions, but it's almost certain that they knew nothing of what had actually happened since they were trapped in the aft engineering spaces, far from the source of the explosions. These crewmen all died before the badly bungled rescue efforts could get underway. It is now generally accepted that there was an accident with a new type of torpedo on board. This torpedo used a combination of liquid fuels for propulsion which were volatile and somewhat unstable. This same type of fuel had been tested and rejected by the Royal Navy as being too dangerous for use aboard submarines. Many people fail to realize just how large these modern submarines are. Our first thought is often of old war movies and the U-boat. The Kursk was a new boat, being commissioned in 1995. Her crew had just recieved an award for performance and readiness. On her last cruise, she carried 118 men. The extended entry contains a picture that will help you gauge her actual size.
Posted by: Ted at 05:52 AM | Comments (50) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
September 30, 2003
Two thoughts about baseball
The Giants will take it all this year. If you don't agree, too damn bad.
The Orioles fired manager Mike Hargrove today after four losing seasons and are going to talk to Hall of Famer Eddie Murray about taking the job. I'd love to see Murray as manager, but it's not going to help. The Orioles will continue to suck as long as Peter Angelos is the owner.Posted by: Ted at 10:00 PM | Comments (49) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Isn't this obvious?
Fairfax county Virginia is having some problems. There's some super-peeping tom running around that the police can't catch, and tonight on the news there was a report about a perv who hangs around the bus stops in the early morning and exposes himself to high-school girls.
We have a national registry for this kind of crap. We're not using it to it's full potential. Peeping Tom, meet Joe Exposure. Problem solved.Posted by: Ted at 06:59 PM | Comments (47) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Busy, busy, busy
The first of the month is always the busiest day for me, and when it happens on a wednesday it just doubles the workload. Guess what tomorrow is? I also picked up a new end-of-the-month task, and I have to go into D.C. tomorrow for half a day, so things are going to be hectic in real time.
(Translation: if blogging sucks, blame anything and everything else.) By the way, thank you for the long list of words for the next Google Junket. I really don't like to whine like that, but it works for Bill, so I figured I'd give it a try. Bill's not home right now, anyone care to take bets that's he lying in a gutter drunk with Collins? Some out-of-the-way stuff for your reading pleasure: King of Fools won this weeks New Blog Showcase. Excellent article. Backstage writes about kitties and theater (theatre for you uppity types), which pleases Jennifer and Mookie. Mookie also claims that my (alleged) jokes just come across as snotty. True? I don't think I have the charm to pull that off like Bill. Casual Brain Rotting, courtesy of Random Nuclear Strikes. Hold The Mayo - the truth served plain. Yum. (aside: If Laughing Wolf ever invites you over for dinner, be fashionably late. He likesPosted by: Ted at 02:20 PM | Comments (50) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Commercial break
LeeAnn talks about a couple of commercials she's seen on TV, and it reminded me of my recent favorite.
The guy standing on the beach, putting notes in beer bottles and tossing them into the ocean. If you watch sports, you've probably seen it. Cracks me up every time. "Nice to meet'cha!"Posted by: Ted at 10:02 AM | Comments (51) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Homeless, literally
Last night on the evening news, I watched a story about a homeless guy. It was presented as one of those "it could happen to you" scenarios where the successful professional is reduced to poverty. Implied was the fact that it was our economy at the root of his troubles.
Well, not quite. As the tale was told, it became apparent that someone was spinning this story as hard as they could. I'm going to tell you the story, without the editing and innuendo and camera work designed to elicit emotional response. This homeless guy is a freelance writer. He's an older man, and a few years ago his business started to fall off. His solution at the time was to give up his apartment in Los Angeles (I want to say Laguna Beach, but I'm not positive), and spend the summer living at local camp grounds. His truck is full of camping equipment. He's still not getting the amount of work he used to, so he's still living out of his truck. He has a cell phone. He uses public library computers to do his writing. He's not hungry, in fact in one shot they show a couple of cardboard boxes full of food in his truck. We're told that we should feel sorry for him because he doesn't have health care insurance, and that his ex-wife and kids don't want to see him because they're embarrassed about him being homeless. This bugs me in so many ways. First of all, this man gave up his home voluntarily, he made a conscious decision to move out to reduce expenses. Second, he hasn't tried to get another job (as far as the story was told), he's just plugging away at the same job he had. Granted, the job market isn't the best, but an experienced writer can get work. While I admire his determination to work on his terms, don't paint him as some kind of victim when he doesn't succeed. Third, a lot of people don't have health care. I'm a lot more sympathetic to children or folks who were put out of work by factory closings than I am by him. How much does that cell phone cost every month? Add that to whatever he'd earn working part time at McDonalds and see if maybe that just wouldn't cover it, if it's that important to him. I don't think it is, I think we were supposed to think "universal health care would be a good thing" instead.This guy isn't tragic. He's not a victim. He's made choices with consequences. Nothing was shown that would keep him from making changes in his life if he wanted to. We used to admire people like him because of their integrity, their refusal to change to meet society's standards. But in today's world, since he doesn't fit the "norm" as defined by whoever crafted this story, he's held up as an example of failure. I intentionally used the word "crafted" about this story, because it was obviously slanted to lead viewers towards certain conclusions. I just hope it bothered more people than just me when they watched it.
Posted by: Ted at 07:47 AM | Comments (58) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
September 29, 2003
Rocket Jones' Great Random Google Junket
I got three words to work with. Three. Lousy. Words. You can do better than that. I mean, how hard is it to open the comments and type in a word. Any word.
Victor, Susie, and Pixy Misa are cool. They get links, you don't. Until you gimme a word. Victor: Calendar.Susie: Redundant.
Pixy Misa: Obstreperpous. calendar + redundant
A live journal blog. Not the most exciting start. Calendar + obstreperous
Legal stuff. A calendar of events at a seminar or something. Among the things you can learn are how to "Deal with obstreperous opposing counsel…". I watched Jaws the other night, and I think the correct method is to stuff a compressed air tank down his throat and start shooting with a rifle. obstreperous + redundant
A list of unusual words beginning with the letter ‘O’. Now this is kinda cool if you like words. I do. Wasn't that fun and exciting and stunted and short and abrupt? Yeah, I thought so too, so I threw in a couple more just for fun. ambient + penumbra
"As is readily apparent, smooth penumbras require high oversampling."
Sounds like the Vulcan edition of the Joy of Sex. publius
Michigan voter information. And just to prove that I'm not terminally bitter, here's one I found just because. cheese + pizazz
Pizazz! "A premium quality no-fat cheese, Pizazz™ is less than one percent fat and cholesterol free while providing an excellent source of calcium and protein. This fat free pasteurized process cheese product is specially manufactured using a proprietary process that was developed by Century Foods. The flavor, aroma and texture is retained resulting in a healthier fat-free, cholesterol-free cheese that melts, stretches and tastes like full fat cheese. The perfect answer for today’s healthy diet aware cheese consumer. Pizazz has a firm and uniform body that minimizes fines when shredded and reduces loss for precuts. Packaged in 20 pound exact weight box with liner for pre-cutters and shredders or coated box that improves rectangular shape and minimizes trim loss, shredded or diced in bag in box." Comments demanded.
Posted by: Ted at 11:37 AM | Comments (69) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
Xtreme Stoopid
Since when did teetering on the brink of Darwin Award immortality qualify as sport?
The other day I saw a picture in the paper in which a horse was jumping over a barracade. It was a nice photo, a head-on view that captured the grace and power of the horse as he completed his jump. Completely ruining the majesty of the picture was the idiot on roller blades behind the horse, hanging on to a towrope, midway through the same jump. Huh? I’ve seen two events that epitomize the stupidity. I can’t even bring myself to call them sport. Yes, they both require skill and physical effort and possibly even talent, but so does rock climbing. One event consists of two guys jumping out of an airplane. During the freefall period, one guy does all kinds of acrobatics with a boogie board strapped to his feet. He’s literally surfing the sky. The second member of the team has a video camera strapped to his head, and his job is to film the first guy. Their score is the combined totals of not only the acrobatics, but the quality of the camera work. How well in-frame did he stay? Interesting angles? Calling this a sport is stretching it. To be truly extreme, forget the parachutes and let’s see how dedicated you are to your ‘sport’. The second ‘sport’ is a classic example of piling on. Add complexity beyond all reason and common sense, for no reason other than to be more extreme. The first time I saw this event, they led in with a montage of guys on motorcycles, doing tricks and leg kicks and stuff while in mid-air after jumping off a ramp. Ok, this is a step up from Evel Knievel, whose daredevil stuff I don’t consider a sport either. But we’re piling on, remember? This event is a winter sport. These fools are screaming down this chute on a motorcycle with spiked tires and up a ramp covered with ice! The landing area is ice too. And the simple leg kicks and such are so last year. These guys are pulling out all the stops and doing back flips on their motorcycles, and one dude brought the crowd to their feet by getting off his bike in mid-air and letting go of the handlebars. This guy actually flew alongside his bike for a couple of seconds before getting back on in time to land. On ice. I mentioned talent. Apparently a complete lack of common sense qualifies. In the last year, a major extreme skateboarder – supposedly a professional – died of massive injuries when he fell multiple stories from a hotel fire escape. He was riding the handrails down on his board. Two world-class mountaineers died when they decided to be the first to ski down a mountain from the summit. The peak was mostly ice, and the last time one was seen he was on his back, sliding out of control. The other managed to accidentally snag the rope of a group of ascending climbers, and almost killed most of them as well as himself. Even television commercials are appearing that make fun of the excesses of extreme sports. This after a long run of commercials showing us how cool it was to be extreme. I’m sick of the word ‘extreme’. I'm looking for investors for my new NASCAR towed-luge league. Any adrenalin junkies out there? This could be the next big thing. Update: Forget luge, check out Extreme Ironing, the "latest danger sport that combines the thrills of an extreme outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well pressed shirt."Posted by: Ted at 10:42 AM | Comments (58) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
September 28, 2003
Losing a limb
I was the first one home friday, so I went out to clean up the backyard. I had just finished raking leaves when Mookie got home from school, so I had her throw something into the oven for dinner. Meanwhile I was checking out the tomato plants. It's been a real disappointing year for tomatoes, but we've got several little ones started. This late into the season, what these guys need is plenty of sunlight. One thing our backyard doesn't have is plenty of sunlight.
I'd been putting it off, but I was on a roll so I decided to to take down a big limb in the maple tree to open up the yard to late afternoon light. There are only two problems. First, this limb was waaaay up there, and second, it hung over the fence into the neighbors yard. I could care less about the neighbors yard, but I did not want to drop this massive limb on the fence that I paid for. Mookie was in her room which looks out over the back yard, so I moved under her window to holler up and noticed a humongous spider seemingly hanging in mid-air right outside her window. Perfect. [evil grin] Rachael poked her head out the window when I yelled and I asked her to come down and give me a hand. As an afterthought I told her to look to her left and she almost decapitated herself pulling her head back inside. Down below I'm laughing like a madman. Together we moved the bench swing out from underneath the limb. I pulled out my 'high limb cutter'. What this is is a chainsaw blade strung between two long pieces of rope. You toss the rope over the limb, use the ropes to position the blade to cut, and then pull back and forth on the ropes to saw through the limb. Simple and effective. Wonder of wonders, I tossed the rope over the correct limb on the very first try. Mookie is impressed. Now I did have a plan in mind, I'm hoping to saw through the limb about 4 feet out from the trunk, and let it splinter off so that it pivots down and misses the fence when it falls. Later I can saw the rest of the limb off cleanly close to the trunk. Worked like a champ. Sorta. The limb began to break, swung down and missed the fence, but it didn't break completely free. Next I grabbed my pole saw (one of the neatest tools ever invented by man) and started hacking smaller branches off of the limb. Once I've cleared a path for the ropes again (which are still around the limb), I moved into a better position for leverage - and out from underneath - and started to saw away again. In moments the limb fell. Now up to this point, everything went as planned, which gave me a false sense of competence. Next comes the classic 'uh oh' moment. The limb dropped vertically, hit the ground and started to fall directly towards me. I'm up against the fence, in between the compost bin and a pile of bricks, so there's nowhere for me to go. In the blink of an eye, the splintered end of the limb crashed to the ground in front of me. How close was it? Lets just say that I'm glad I wasn't aroused. Now it's Mookie's turn to laugh hysterically, and she claims it's cosmic payback for the Paooki prank. Once my heart started again, we cut up the limb into manageable pieces and finished cleaning up. I don't even like tomatoes.Posted by: Ted at 07:39 PM | Comments (62) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)
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