June 27, 2004

Cycles in the universe

Victor brings up the bondage pants again, and then this morning whilst cruising the ol' linklist I find Velociman pointing out this site (via this guy, who is very funny) where you can meet ladies who're temporarily guests of the state. At least one of them is a Dominant (Domme, in the parlance), who helpfully mentions that she's incarcerated for a non-violent crime. Considering this post I made just days ago, that brings to three the number of recent mentions of BDSM, which fulfills the prophesy and closes the circle. No need to worry about the end-of-the-world thing, it's a small circle. At worst, your front lawn may die.

In totally unrelated news, I've discovered that by going out into the backyard and shouting "Ni!", the squirrels are leaving my bird feeder alone. Probably no connection, I know, but someone did leave a nice shrubbery on the front porch overnight.

Crap. I just remembered that I watched Secretary last night. The circle begins anew.

Posted by: Ted at 09:17 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Targeted Advertising

On the radio I heard an ad featuring a couple of voices who were 'obviously' black and urban. The product was those walkie-talkie phones, and the kicker line was, "your late-night bootie chirp".

Why is it that it's ok to air this kind of crap to make money, but if we use similar logic for security purposes it's denounced as racial profiling?

Posted by: Ted at 07:05 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

June 26, 2004

Someone's in the kitchen with Dinahhhhh!!!

I made a pot of Venomous Kate's Slow Spice Stew today. Yum!!!!!!

Posted by: Ted at 09:23 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Hobby Rocketry in the news

Article in Wired.

Posted by: Ted at 08:53 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

100 million thousand billion centuries!

That's the estimated age of the dinosaur fossile bought at an auction in New York, according to the new owner.

More than 60 million years after the triceratops dinosaur roamed what is now Montana, its horn went to 6-year-old Eamon Rush for $550 at a Park Avenue auction.

Although the tip of Eamon's horn was rebuilt by a human hand, he was thrilled with his purchase. The Manhattan boy planned to bring home the dinosaur horn for the archaeology club he started with a classmate.

It was a bargain for Lot 69, offered at an estimated value of $1,500 to $2,000 by Guernsey's at its "Dinosaurs & Other Prehistoric Creatures" sale.

On Thursday afternoon, Eamon showed up on Park Avenue in a bright tie-dyed top, so when he shot up with his paddle to signal his bid, everyone noticed. And the adults held back higher bids so the 6-year-old could win.

Posted by: Ted at 11:40 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Choking your chicken

Flipping the zippy, pounding yer pud, spanking the monkey, etc. Whatever you call it, it's all just snazzier ways of saying "male masturbation" (how sterile and clinical that sounds!). The first time I ever heard it called "choking your chicken" was in Basic Training, and it was one of our drill sergeant's favorite phrases.

I had a boss once who's still a very good friend. He was single, and made no bones about it - he beat off frequently. During our smoke breaks at work we'd get into some of the damndest conversations - "that older sister on The Wild Thornberry's, I bet she'd be a demon in bed" - and my boss would smile and say, "I've got to go be alone with myself now."

I used to tease him about it all the time. I'd tell him he jerked off so often that he kept a picture of his right hand in his wallet.

He used his left hand sometimes just so he could pretend he was with a stranger.

For him, foreplay was kissing and licking his fingers.

Got any good one-liners or anecdotes? Put 'em in the comments. Don't be shy, we all know it's stuff that's happened to your 'friend'. Uh-huh, sure.

And just to be crass, here's a related Helen Keller joke:

Q: Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she could moan with the other.

Posted by: Ted at 07:48 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Up Please

President Bush wants to return to the moon and put a man on Mars. But scientist Bradley C. Edwards has an idea that's really out of this world: an elevator that climbs 62,000 miles into space.

Edwards thinks an initial version could be operating in 15 years, a year earlier than Bush's 2020 timetable for a return to the moon. He pegs the cost at $10 billion, a pittance compared with other space endeavors.

"It's not new physics — nothing new has to be discovered, nothing new has to be invented from scratch," he says. "If there are delays in budget or delays in whatever, it could stretch, but 15 years is a realistic estimate for when we could have one up."

Posted by: Ted at 07:44 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

June 25, 2004

Freedom Park

The new job is across the street from my old corporate headquarters (long since moved to the 'burbs), so the area isn't completely unfamiliar to me. Walking around this week, I found a new park that's been built since I last visited the area. Called Freedom Park, I'll try to describe the place, but I also recommend going here for some great pictures.

To start off, set back from the street in a nook between two skyscrapers, are nine sections of the original Berlin Wall. The sections are covered with artwork from three different artists, and there are several placards placed in front that talk about the wall. See those pictures! They also have an original East German guard tower from near Checkpoint Charlie.

To the left of this display is a set of steps (the entire park moves uphill in terraced steps as it broadly curves to the right) leading up to a series of symbols of freedom from around the world. Among the symbols are cast bronze replicas of the Goddess of Democracy located in Tienamen Square (similar to the Statue of Liberty, but with oriental eyes), a South African ballot box (end of apartied), the door to the jail cell where Martin Luther King, Jr was held, a small homemade boat used by Cuban refugees, reproductions of Women's Sufferage banners, an actual toppled stone statue of Lenin - sans head, a section of cobbles from the Warsaw Jewish ghetto, and finally, a slightly less than 1/2 scale bronze of "Freedom", the 1863 sculpture by Thomas Crawford that crowns the dome of the US Capitol building.

Still farther up is a Journalists Memorial, dedicated to those who gave their lives while practicing freedom of the press, known and unknown. A kiosk with a touchscreen terminal contains a directory of names on the memorial. There is also an attached Journalists Museum, but I haven't been in there yet.

Adjoining the memorial is a long curving series of fountains dedicated to early American journalism pioneers. Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Paine, James Gordon Bennett, Frederick Douglas, Horace Greeley (he of the advice to head west), and Ida B. Wells.

Across from the fountains are 270 pictures painted by kids that represent freedom. Freedom from Fear, Freedom of Religion, Freedom to Grow, Freedom to Learn, and so on.

Whoever designed the park did a nice job making it feel larger than it really is. It's impossible to hide the towering buildings around, but the eye is drawn downwards into the park itself. There are trees and grassy areas, and plenty of benches to enjoy the fresh air. This was a pleasant surprise to find, especially in the heart of the downtown area, and I'll probably go there often to have my lunch. If you're in the Rosslyn area of Arlington, you should check it out.

Posted by: Ted at 08:45 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Random thought

Is William Hung the real-life equivalent of South Park's Timmy?

Posted by: Ted at 08:09 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

This is a test, this is only a test

As promised, we conducted an emergency test of the Remote NogWatch System. Here's the original no-notice alert sent to my good friend and occasional commenter Anonymous Kyle:

Kyle,
This is a test of the Remote Nog Watch Network. Please check on the nog when you get a chance and let me know the status. No hurry, no pressure, but millions of interested blog readers are sitting on the edge of their seats and gnawing their nails, wondering if this will work.

Godspeed,
Ted

Soon enough for government work, NogWarden Kyle reported back:

The Nog Stands Alone. Tell everyone that they can stop chewing thier toenails. Maybe our friend in the fridge could start it's own NogBlog.

So yeah, the Remote NogWatch System is a success. And I learned a couple of things: first, friends are important when you want to get things done, and second, it takes some real work to suck as bad as Bill.

Posted by: Ted at 05:25 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

June 24, 2004

About as far from work-related as possible

Then again, this might be the most work-related link ever, depending on where you work. Not work safe.

Whoops! Forgot to credit the link: Fleshbot, for naughtyness.

Posted by: Ted at 05:22 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

June 23, 2004

Sometimes you're the windshield

Other times you're the bug. Work has dominated my universe this week, so I haven't been around to visit my usual haunts, let alone post much interesting here. I am working on something cool, hopefully it'll be ready to go tomorrow evening.

For a complete change of pace, I'll tell you about my humdrum home life. Last weekend I'd planned to replace the attic fan motor, but as usual, not only couldn't I find one at the HumongousHardwareChain, but they've restocked the place with all new clerks who graduated surly cum laude.

So instead, I helped my neighbor replace his picket fence. Much use of manly power tools was made. He was kind enough to give me a new fan motor (he's in that line of work), so this afternoon Mookie and I braved the sauna of the attic and knocked that item off the honey-do list.

And that about sums up life this week. Things will calm down soon enough, and return to as near to normal as it ever gets.

Posted by: Ted at 07:34 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

In a meeting today

"T&A stands for 'Time and Attendance',
T&A stands for 'Time and Attendance',
T&A stands for 'Time and Attendance',
T&A stands for 'Time and -"

"Excuse me, Ted, did you have a question?"

"Oh. No, just making sure I have the terminology right."

Posted by: Ted at 06:43 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 I thought it stood for 'Tits and Ass'?

Posted by: Victor at June 24, 2004 08:11 AM (L3qPK)

2

I never use that term if I can help it. I call it a timesheet or by the form name and the software by it's name.

Posted by: jen at June 24, 2004 06:50 PM (UQLgi)

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June 22, 2004

A small sample

JCL stands for Job Control Language, and it's been around since the 50's. It hasn't changed much over time, which means that computer jobs written decades ago still run perfectly today.

I'm (re)learning JCL as part of my new project, and here's a couple choice tidbits from the reference book:

"The role of JCL sounds complex and it is - JCL is downright difficult."

"This book will explain JCL, but it won't try to make you like it because JCL is not a likable language."

Posted by: Ted at 08:00 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Green Eggs and Hamlet

Would you kill him in his bed?
Thrust a dagger through his head?
I would not, could not, kill the King.
I could not do that evil thing.
I would not wed this girl, you see.
Now get her to a nunnery.

Posted by: Ted at 04:16 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

June 21, 2004

Tired

My first day was memorable in a quiet and unassuming kinda way. The drive home was hella traffic and I'm beat. More tomorrow after I work a more normal (for me) shift.

Goodnight.

PS: The new job is jes' ducky!

Posted by: Ted at 07:48 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

A dirty joke with no naughty words

A woman walks into a deli, points to a pepperoni and says, "I'll take that one."
The guy asks her, "Do you want that sliced thick or thin?"
She replies, "What do I look like, a piggy bank?"

Posted by: Ted at 05:13 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Things that make the boss go 'hmmmm'

Twice now, Dawn's boss has caught her headbanging, and once it was a song with rather... *ahem* inappropriate lyrics. It's good to remind the boss that total control over their realm isn't gonna happen.

I caught hell once in the Air Force for my music. I was jammin' to Zappa's "Joe's Garage" when an unexpected VIP dropped by. The music wasn't loud, so I didn't even think to turn it down or off. Once the VIP left my boss called me in for an ass-chewing.

Wet T-Shirt Night

Looks to me like something funny is going on around here
People laughin' 'n' dancin' 'n' payin' entirely too much for their beer
And they all think they're clean outta-sight
And they're ready to party 'cause the sign outside says it's WET T-SHIRT NITE
And they all crave some hot delight

Well the girls are excited because in a minute they're gonna get wet
And the boys are delighted because all the titties will get 'em upset
And they all think they are really awright
And they're ready to boogie 'cause the sign outside says it's WET T-SHIRT NITE
And they all crave some pink delight

When the water gets on 'em their ninnies get rigid and look pretty bold
It's a common reaction that makes an attraction whenever it's cold
And all of the fellas they wish they could bite
On the cute little nuggets the local girls are showin' off tonite
You know I think it serves 'em right
You know I think it serves 'em right
You know I think it serves 'em right
You know I think it serves 'em right
And it's WET T-SHIRT TIME AGAIN
I know you want someone to show you some tit!

BIG ONES!
WET ONES!
BIG WET ONES!

With the right attitude, drugs are redundant.

Posted by: Ted at 05:07 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

1 I like that -- needing to remind the superiors that they aren't always in control. Sounds much better than that I don't give a flyin' f'ck what they think!

Posted by: dawn at June 21, 2004 10:19 PM (Zgn4s)

2 Heh. On board the ship in 1972-73, I bought the obligatory stereo system and, unlike most others, set it up in our work space. Machine Head was new; we wore out a couple of copies of the album before I got the tape recorder and hooked it in.

After several complaints about excess bass from the guys doing flight briefings next door, I wired up headphones for those who wanted to listen. Imagine a row of guys leaning over light tables, looking for things to bomb, wearing headphones blaring Space Truckin'. The Chief, who wasn't into that newfangled metal stuff, had a cassette player on his desk and his own set of earphones for enjoyment of country music.

One day the Captain came into our space. Such intrusions weren't normally a problem, because it was a security area, but the Skipper goes where he pleases... He came through the door, followed by the officer in charge of the area, and (the Commander later told me) had to stand and wait several minutes before one of us looked up, saw khakhis with a bird on, and organized the "Attention on deck!" pop-to ritual required when a Navy CO enters the room.

I never got gigged for it, but the headphone wires came down, and we got a briefing schedule so that the folks next door would be able to work in peace. (The guys on the roof would never have heard the noise, and there was nobody below.) I did suggest that I should buy a tapeswitch mat and plug a microphone into the vanity jack on the Sansui, so if the CO came by again his escort could simply lean over and say the magic phrase into the mike. Visualize a row of guys, standing at attention, all wearing fat white Seventies-style earphones trailing coily cords... CDR Scharf wasn't supportive :-)

Regards,
Ric

Posted by: Ric Locke at June 21, 2004 11:42 PM (3wRsx)

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June 20, 2004

OHMYGOD!!!!

Check out Google! It's the Menendez brothers getting ready to take out Dad on his special day!

Hey, you don't live to be an old geezer without being a little paranoid.

Posted by: Ted at 07:41 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

Box Hockey redux

The memory is the first thing to go. I completely forgot about our half-finished box hockey set until this evening, when I got a comment from this place. It's not the same game, but it still looks pretty cool. I'll finish up our series this week sometime, although judging from the lack of feedback I don't think anyone was paying all that much attention.

Posted by: Ted at 07:28 PM | Comments (17) | Add Comment | Trackbacks (Suck)

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