And Now For Something Completely Different: What Was The Most Embarrassing Thing You Have Ever Said...Out Loud?

This short film (below the fold) appeared in my YouTube feed for some reason. It's pretty well done, although I would quibble about it being "Best Short Film Ever." Anyway, the premise is clever enough that it is worth a watch, and you will understand how I arrived at the title of this post if you do watch it.

Regardless; what cringe-worthy things have you spouted by mistake, or in a fit of honesty or anger or misguided attempt at humor. And don't stop at your own utterances; what magnificently awful things have you heard others spout?

Best (or, I guess, worst) one gets a one year AoSHQ Platinum Membership with Troll-B-GonTM and ampersand utility.

Posted by: CBD at 02:15 PM




Comments

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1

Ace dabbled in fencing a few years ago.

Please remind me tomorrow to give him shit about this.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 11, 2019 02:17 PM (hb1Fp)

2 I've never said anything stupid

Posted by: Truck Monkey at August 11, 2019 02:17 PM (flINI)

3 Have seen a few good shorts on YouTube

Posted by: Skip at August 11, 2019 02:17 PM (BbGew)

4 A store clerk told me when I asked where I could find some merchandise, "certainly, walk this way." and my unthinking response was, "If I could walk that way I wouldn't have asked for corn starch."

She told me back, "Honey, that's what nylons are for."

Posted by: Kindltot at August 11, 2019 02:18 PM (q2o38)

5 The most embarrassing thing I said was commenting "Top Ten" on a Thread.

/s

Posted by: Surfperch at August 11, 2019 02:18 PM (tVQUs)

6 Better to Remain Silent and Be Thought a Fool than to Speak and Remove All Doubt.

Posted by: Mr. Peebles at August 11, 2019 02:18 PM (oVJmc)

7 I congratulated a woman I thought was pregnant.She weren't....

Posted by: steevy at August 11, 2019 02:19 PM (l9mVC)

8 Does being an AoS Top Commentator for weeks at a time count?

Posted by: Anna Puma at August 11, 2019 02:21 PM (hqfMi)

9 My wife once commented on some gentlemans adorable grandchild. He was her dad.

Posted by: Truck Monkey at August 11, 2019 02:21 PM (flINI)

10 Can't pose the question exactly, but it involved a question about age..I was off a bit....

Posted by: runner at August 11, 2019 02:22 PM (bUjCl)

11 Top 11.

Posted by: Charles the Simple at August 11, 2019 02:23 PM (w7U7L)

12 Well, there was that time I guessed a gals weight and age....

Posted by: blake - used pronoun salesman at August 11, 2019 02:23 PM (WEBkv)

13 Not long ago, I was in a store. The woman in front of me forgot some of her stuff so I told the cashier to ring me up and I'll try to catch the lady.

I came back in to the store and my total was on the register's display. I said, too loudly than was necessary, "FOURTEEN EIGHTY-EIGHT. THAT'S ME, RIGHT?"

Posted by: FireHorse at August 11, 2019 02:23 PM (jh17W)

14

Does being an AoS Top Commentator for weeks at a time count?




no one cracked a thousand for years....those legendary individuals who've done so in the past are to be congratulated

Posted by: runner at August 11, 2019 02:24 PM (bUjCl)

15 "I'm not pregnant!"

Posted by: JAS at August 11, 2019 02:24 PM (I5SAg)

16 My brain deletes those kinds of things to protect me from spiraling into anxiety laden depression cuz they happen pretty often. I may help this process with alcohol.

Posted by: PaleRider is simply irredeemable at August 11, 2019 02:24 PM (vrfMC)

17 I answered "Yes Sir" to question posed by a female Colonel.

Amused she was not.

Posted by: Tonypete at August 11, 2019 02:24 PM (Y4EXg)

18 I won't repeat it, but suffice to say that I was lucky that I didn't get beaten to death

Posted by: AshevilleRobert at August 11, 2019 02:25 PM (1rnGB)

19 no one cracked a thousand for years....those legendary individuals who've done so in the past are to be congratulated
Posted by: runner at August 11, 2019 02:24 PM (bUjCl)

Now you're just egging someone on to make a thousand spammy comments over the next week.

Posted by: Surfperch at August 11, 2019 02:26 PM (tVQUs)

20 Not me, but some jackass once said,

If you like your doctor....

Posted by: Bruce at August 11, 2019 02:26 PM (vd8XM)

21 I haven't said anything too awful. I don't think I have, anyway. I've done some really stupid things though. Nothing comes to mind at the moment, but ask me again when I'm trying to get to sleep.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 11, 2019 02:26 PM (t+qrx)

22 My mother in law, now passed, was a God-fearing baptist, a sunday school teacher, a devout, cultured, and honorable woman to the core. Which is why the things she said were so hilarious.

second best that I recall:

One time at a funeral, by herself for a bit because her husband, Buddy, was a pall bearer was occupied with those duties, she was talking to the mourners, and was asked "well where's Buddy?" and she immediately replied "Oh he's a wheelbarrow".

Posted by: Tom Servo at August 11, 2019 02:26 PM (V2Yro)

23 Pretty funny

Posted by: Skip at August 11, 2019 02:26 PM (BbGew)

24 I tend to be to rather direct about things, but I can't think of anything really embarrassing I've said out loud. A friend of mind said he was willing to go out tfor coffee but added "Next week might work. I have to see what's going on." My response was "Could you just give an actual date and not try to figure this out in case something better comes up for you." He gave some lame response but we actually did go out for coffee.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 02:27 PM (+0VWg)

25
Now you're just egging someone on to make a thousand spammy comments over the next week.
Posted by: Surfperch at August 11, 2019 02:26 PM (tVQUs)


no, no. AOSHQ spam-buster technology is second to none.


Posted by: runner at August 11, 2019 02:27 PM (bUjCl)

26 The stupidest thing I've heard, bar none, was a woman asking my son if he was adopted, at a holiday meal of some sort.

The actual phrase used was, "So, jrBlake, you're adopted, right?"

Said by someone who should have known better.

And yes, I adopted my son. Long story.

Posted by: blake - used pronoun salesman at August 11, 2019 02:28 PM (WEBkv)

27 Does being an AoS Top Commentator for weeks at a time count?
Posted by: Anna Puma at August 11, 2019 02:21 PM


If that's said in the same way that "Top. Men." is said around here, the probability is slimmer than Ms. Larson's claim to fame.

Posted by: Duncanthrax at August 11, 2019 02:29 PM (DMUuz)

28 You will need more than some track pants to break Sven's record of over two thousand posts in a week. A few hits of meth might help though.

Posted by: Anna Puma at August 11, 2019 02:29 PM (hqfMi)

29 The single most embarassing public statement I have ever made was likely asking Brooke Shields out on a date, at an assembly in front of my entire HS.

She didn't know what to do and her embarassment definitely offset mine. But, it was totally worth it.

Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 02:29 PM (IVoO9)

30 Now you're just egging someone on to make a thousand spammy comments over the next week.
Posted by: Surfperch at August 11, 2019 02:26 PM (tVQUs)


no, no. AOSHQ spam-buster technology is second to none.


Posted by: runner at August 11, 2019 02:27 PM (bUjCl)

I wouldn't bet on it.

Posted by: LACE%WIGS%FOR%SALE at August 11, 2019 02:30 PM (tVQUs)

31 >>no one cracked a thousand for years....those legendary individuals who've done so in the past are to be congratulated


waht is amazing is that Sven did that without ever once making any sort of sense.

Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 02:30 PM (IVoO9)

32 I've said a lot of dumb things, but I'm just barely smart enough never to ask 'When is the baby due?'

Also I love the video, saw it a year or so ago and it cracks me up every time I watch it.

Posted by: Fritzy at August 11, 2019 02:30 PM (VY+MJ)

33 If Trump pardons this thanksgiving turkey, he won't be re-elected.

Posted by: BourbonChicken at August 11, 2019 02:31 PM (LxTcq)

34 Not me, but a very dear friend of my late wife at T.'s funeral service. While offering the congregation words of comfort and support, said friend noted the struggles T. had in life. She noted that T. fought mightily against her demons - in the friend's words, "She gave it her best shot."

T. died of a GSW.

I laughed, I mean, what are you going to do? Friend was absolutely mortified.

Posted by: Tonypete at August 11, 2019 02:31 PM (Y4EXg)

35 garrett dated Brooke Shields ???

Posted by: runner at August 11, 2019 02:31 PM (bUjCl)

36 garrett dated Brooke Shields ???

Well if Jon Lovitt thinks he did....

Posted by: Anna Puma at August 11, 2019 02:32 PM (hqfMi)

37 And I'll repeat my beg in case the last one was willowed and since I need to do some things. This contest runs thru August 19th and you can vote daily. Arlo is currently in the top three https://tinyurl.com/vote-for-Arlo

Vote for Arlo, Lost Fantasy arranges and pays for vet treatment when county shelters call them about an injured dog and then get a foster while the pooch recovers. They arrange for transport to areas with higher adoption rates, help sponsor spay/neuter for the region and they help all shelter intake species, even a couple pot-bellied pigs. https://tinyurl.com/vote-for-Arlo

Posted by: PaleRider is simply irredeemable at August 11, 2019 02:32 PM (vrfMC)

38 I've been around for quite sometime and I've never seen a lace wigs post. That must have been several years ago and I'm hoping the troll and spam busting capabilities have gotten better.

Posted by: neverenoughcaffeine at August 11, 2019 02:32 PM (hpmE4)

39 Surrounded by co-workers in a cube farm.

Me: I'm dealing with fucktards perpetuating dumbfuckery in the most fucked-up way possible.
Co-workers: wide-eye stares.
Me: Not you people. Calm down.

Posted by: Martini Farmer at August 11, 2019 02:32 PM (3H9h1)

40 The most embarrassing thing I said was when I was about 8 or 10 years old. That was so long ago it doesn't matter.

Posted by: Vic at August 11, 2019 02:32 PM (mpXpK)

41 but best of all, mom-in-laws greatest moment (mind you, this was in Shreveport, La) came at one her well attended Thanksgiving Dinners in the 80's. Everyone in the family would come, we'd always have at least 20 people, plus kids. Well one nephew of one of the siblings, very white, was at the time dating a black girl, but he kept telling people she was Indian. (fyi, south of Shreveport, there's a city named Zwolle which is mostly inhabited by descendants of a few Caddo and a lot of freed slaves that moved in together) So he was late, and everyone wanted to meet his "Indian" girlfriend, and we were all visualizing someone on the spectrum between Cher and Sacagawea.

So, he finally walks in, late, with everyone there at the table, and his girlfriend looks good, I think she was a model, and she also was as Black as the Ace of Spades. So everyone is just stone cold quiet, not knowing what to say, and then mom-in-law, wanting to be a Good Host, perks up and cheerily asks "Well! What Tribe are YOU from????"

Posted by: Tom Servo at August 11, 2019 02:32 PM (V2Yro)

42 >>garrett dated Brooke Shields ???

Unfortunately, no.

Garrett was only 13 at the time and she was about 20...but, I was willing to overlook her matronage

Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 02:32 PM (IVoO9)

43 Garrett - how old were you? And, by the way, that's awesome.

Posted by: PabloD at August 11, 2019 02:33 PM (F1m5e)

44 I've said so many stupid things, it's hard to think of one that really stands out.

Posted by: blake - used pronoun salesman at August 11, 2019 02:33 PM (WEBkv)

45 Raising the flag at morning muster at Navy Supply Corps Officer School in Athens, Georgia, Spring of '89, I believed the flag had reached the peak of the pole (felt like it, anyway, and I was trying not to look up, thinking that showed more discipline), but alas, the flag was not at peak, and I sort of was frozen.

The Captain in charge of the school cleared his throat and said loudly and somewhat sarcastically: "Please raise the colors to the TOP of the flag pole."

Whereupon Ensign Sharkman said WAY too loudly: "Oh, fuck me running!", looked up and raised the flag all the way.

I marched perimeter guard, midnight to 4 am, every night for two weeks.

Ahhh, good times. Good times.

Posted by: Sharkman at August 11, 2019 02:34 PM (ncE1D)

46 The scene: The late Grandma Vendette, Mama Vendette, and me, all in the same hospital room (Grandma had dementia).


One of the doctors mentioned that he knew just by looking at us we were all related and asked if my mom and I were sisters.


He was mortified when he found out the reality.

Posted by: Vendette at August 11, 2019 02:34 PM (OgGoW)

47 the politician answers this with some version of "I once underestimated how awesome I am, that was embarrassing".


I can't quite recall a specific version of that ... but don't fall for the "reveal your most embarrassing thing" trick (or the banana in the tail pipe). Or at least have something scripted that makes you look good.

Posted by: illiniwek at August 11, 2019 02:34 PM (Cus5s)

48 Women's Curling: Most heterosexual sport ever.

-
You watch and yell at the chicks, "Sweep faster! Faster!!!" Only competitive ironing could be better.

-
The left can't meme because the left can't laugh.

-
Laughter is dangerous. A good joke today can be a capital offense tomorrow, comrade.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 11, 2019 02:35 PM (+y/Ru)

49 Regardless; what cringe-worthy things have you spouted by mistake, or in a fit of honesty or anger or misguided attempt at humor. And don't stop at your own utterances; what magnificently awful things have you heard others spout?

Posted by: CBD at 02:15 PM

Nice try, CBD, trying to get us to admit to the stupidest things we said so you can blackmail us with them later! I know what you're up to!

Posted by: Surfperch at August 11, 2019 02:36 PM (tVQUs)

50 We moved to Jersey when I was in middle school. I made friends like the 2nd day with a kid next door who was my age. He invited me to a party and a friend of his house. That kid's family was originally from Sweden.

There was a big picture on the wall of a female soccer player in a Swedish national team outfit with an awful horse face. Trying to be middle school cool I said something like "Who is this skank? to this kid having the party.

My mother was the reply from the soon to be ex-friend.

Posted by: JackStraw at August 11, 2019 02:36 PM (ZLI7S)

51 Raising the flag at morning muster at Navy Supply Corps Officer School in Athens, Georgia, Spring of '89,
Posted by: Sharkman at August 11, 2019 02:34 PM

Is it true the mess there serves pork chops at every meal?

Posted by: Duncanthrax at August 11, 2019 02:36 PM (DMUuz)

52 I've been around for quite sometime and I've never seen a lace wigs post. That must have been several years ago and I'm hoping the troll and spam busting capabilities have gotten better.

Posted by: neverenoughcaffeine
________

That was some time ago. I can't say exactly how long ago because my replica watch stopped working.

Posted by: FireHorse at August 11, 2019 02:37 PM (jh17W)

53 I guess the Cats (broadway) incident was pretty embarassing, too.

I was 13-14 or so...parents made us go see Cats on Broadway. The seat next to me had a 10 year old boy and next to him was his grandfather.

Second act. The entire Theater goes dead silent for some dramatic scene...

Kid next to me is dead asleep and rips the loudest fart I have ever heard. So loud that the Cats on stage (and the entire Theater) look directly at me.

I stand up, point at the kid and declare, "It was HIM!"

Whole place lost in laughter for thext 2-3 minutes.

Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 02:37 PM (IVoO9)

54 A coworker, asked me if I wanted to see the love of his life. Of course I said sure.
The picture was of what can only be described as Granny from "The Beverly Hill Billys" with a vacuous smile like it was totally put on.
I asked 'your grand mother?'

Nope...

New girlfriend.
He was 24 and very offended.

Posted by: TSgt Ciz at August 11, 2019 02:37 PM (af5xa)

55 Nice try, CBD, trying to get us to admit to the stupidest things we said so you can blackmail us with them later! I know what you're up to!
Posted by: Surfperch at August 11, 2019 02:36 PM


You are far too young to be so cynical.

Posted by: Duncanthrax at August 11, 2019 02:37 PM (DMUuz)

56 Donna Brazille?

She seems unbiased and smart.
We should hire as the level headed commentator.

Posted by: Fox News at August 11, 2019 02:37 PM (1g7ch)

57 I'm sure more than one moron has made a comment about someone's pregnancy who wasn't pregnant.

Posted by: Pig to man dreaming of lions at August 11, 2019 02:38 PM (2DOZq)

58 >>Posted by: JackStraw at August 11, 2019 02:36 PM (ZLI7S)


Awesome

Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 02:38 PM (IVoO9)

59 Told a funny story about my college roommate joking around and hanging himself...in the presence of a woman's whose brother committed suicide by hanging himself. That was about 25 years ago and I still shudder when I think about it.

Posted by: windbag at August 11, 2019 02:39 PM (4XcKN)

60 I tend to say stupid stuff in e-mails. The same person I got irritated with about having coffee I wrote a note to "Why the hell did you say that to your congregation member. You jumped down her throat." It's a good thing that I have the husband I do and am not married to this guy, because his family laughs at his autocratic ways which is probably the better approach.. It would be a contest who would kill each other first if we were married to each other. He'd probably win out because he's a trained military person and could think of a way to kill me while making it look like an accident.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 02:39 PM (+0VWg)

61 Trying to be middle school cool I said something like "Who is this skank? to this kid having the party.

My mother was the reply from the soon to be ex-friend.
Posted by: JackStraw

-----

Us Italians, should this happen to us, would have reflexively added "But I mean that in the nicest way!"

Posted by: Tonypete at August 11, 2019 02:39 PM (Y4EXg)

62 A coworker, asked me if I wanted to see the love of his life. Of course I said sure.
The picture was of what can only be described as Granny from "The Beverly Hill Billys" with a vacuous smile like it was totally put on.
I asked 'your grand mother?'

Nope...

New girlfriend.
He was 24 and very offended.
Posted by: TSgt Ciz at August 11, 2019 02:37 PM (af5xa)

Was she really much older than him? Or did she just "look" it?

Posted by: JoeF. at August 11, 2019 02:40 PM (NFEMn)

63 She didn't know what to do and her embarassment definitely offset mine. But, it was totally worth it.

Posted by: garrett


Something that earns you a Lifetime Balls of Titanium Award really shouldn't be considered "embarrassing".

Posted by: Sharkman at August 11, 2019 02:40 PM (ncE1D)

64 >>Something that earns you a Lifetime Balls of Titanium Award really shouldn't be considered "embarrassing".


You only get the award for pushing through the awkwardness/embarassment.

But - yeah. I was always 'that guy'.

Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 02:41 PM (IVoO9)

65 It was OJ rampage days when my liberal brother-in-law was introduced to my conservative (but always voted Donk) father-in-law and the conservation turned to whether OJ could've done it. BIL opined one old person could not have killed two young people fighting for their lives. "Well,"FIL responded, "[N words] are good with a knife."

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 11, 2019 02:42 PM (+y/Ru)

66 A laugh is honest, and so an expression of a worsening environment from the point of view of manipulative duplicitous people.

Posted by: BourbonChicken at August 11, 2019 02:43 PM (LxTcq)

67 So, he finally walks in, late, with everyone there at the table, and his girlfriend looks good, I think she was a model, and she also was as Black as the Ace of Spades. So everyone is just stone cold quiet, not knowing what to say, and then mom-in-law, wanting to be a Good Host, perks up and cheerily asks "Well! What Tribe are YOU from????"
Posted by: Tom Servo at August 11, 2019 02:32 PM (V2Yro)

The Harlem Warlords?

Posted by: JoeF. at August 11, 2019 02:43 PM (NFEMn)

68 More recently during the first month of a new job.
I came into work, sat at my desk and smelled a horrid smell. I asked the general area, "What the hell is that smell? Did someone leave a sardine and limburger chees sandwich on their desk over the weekend?"

Everyone looked away or found sudden interest in their navels or going to fill their coffee cup. They all new it was the VP that was talking to my boss a few feet away behind me that had notoriously bad breath.

Posted by: TSgt Ciz at August 11, 2019 02:43 PM (af5xa)

69 Blaming someone else for your fart?

You missed your calling as a Democrat.

Posted by: Anna Puma at August 11, 2019 02:43 PM (hqfMi)

70 In french class, 9th grade I think.

I was the only boy in class. The rest were hot chicks, all older than me and I mean they were all lookers. Even the french teacher was a hottie.

My hormones were ah raging.

French teacher has us say "My name is (fill in the blank) in french.

Hot blonde chick in front of me says out loud, "je m'appelle Claudette". Class nods head, meh.

My turn next. I say in my best french, "je m'appelle Claudette".

Class laughs, teacher laughs, my balls shrink up into my stomach after I figured out what I did.

I hate French.

Posted by: Hairyback Guy at August 11, 2019 02:44 PM (Z+IKu)

71 "Who is this skank? to this kid having the party.

My mother was the reply from the soon to be ex-friend.
Posted by: JackStraw


LOLZ!!

Posted by: runner at August 11, 2019 02:44 PM (bUjCl)

72 Is it true the mess there serves pork chops at every meal?

Posted by: Duncanthrax


Unfortunately, no.

But they should.

Posted by: Sharkman at August 11, 2019 02:45 PM (ncE1D)

73 >>Blaming someone else for your fart?


It wasn't ME!!!

Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 02:45 PM (IVoO9)

74 Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 02:32 PM (IVoO9)

My husband had the biggest crush on Brooke Shields. He would say If we went into Princeton
"That's where Brook Shields lives" (She was a student at Princeton at the time.) I don't how he knew that but I really don't think he was having an affair with her.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 02:45 PM (+0VWg)

75 Many, many years ago I was writing about the auto show in Detroit, and speaking to a german executive from Mercedes I think. They were forced to stay in the plane on the tarmac for something like 8 hours; toilets were overflowing and so on. It was all over the tv news. I made some sort of comment like "wow, what Nazis."

Thankfully, the german guy ignored it because that was when I was young and pretty.

Posted by: shibumi, future Ohio dental floss tycoon at August 11, 2019 02:46 PM (AkkRZ)

76 My aunt was gaffe prone, although she never knew it. Years ago, she once said to one of my single friends, "You're fairly attractive. Why haven't you gotten married?" To this day we still kid my friend about that.

Posted by: Mrs. Leggy at August 11, 2019 02:46 PM (rbgPC)

77 Simpsons strike

https://youtu.be/grupR1xTLvc

Posted by: BourbonChicken at August 11, 2019 02:46 PM (LxTcq)

78 62
Was she really much older than him? Or did she just "look" it?
Posted by: JoeF

She just looked it. She was anorexic or something. He was 300lbs and she was 90lbs.

Sweet gal but damn!

Posted by: TSgt Ciz at August 11, 2019 02:47 PM (af5xa)

79 >>My husband had the biggest crush on Brooke Shields. He would say If we went into Princeton
"That's where Brook Shields lives" (She was a student at Princeton at the time.) I don't how he knew that but I really don't think he was having an affair with her.

Princeton was the town where we moved. Brooke Shields was in Princeton.

Cosmic forces are aligning.

Posted by: JackStraw at August 11, 2019 02:47 PM (ZLI7S)

80 It wasn't ME!!!
Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 02:45 PM


The smeller's the feller.

Posted by: Eternal Verities at August 11, 2019 02:48 PM (DMUuz)

81 One of these days I am going to get to meet Brooke Shields again.

Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 02:48 PM (IVoO9)

82 I almost said that Aleppo was a place in Syria. Thankfully I caught myself before I made the gaffe. The apology I'd have to make to Mr. Eppo would've been pretty embarrassing.

Posted by: Gary Johnson at August 11, 2019 02:49 PM (73eZG)

83 69 Blaming someone else for your fart?
You missed your calling as a Democrat.

Posted by: Anna Puma

No, not me. I claim em and name em. Even introduce them to anyone nearby.

Posted by: TSgt Ciz at August 11, 2019 02:49 PM (af5xa)

84 I once had my DNA tested and the results made public to bolster my claim of being a Native American.

Turns out I am only 1 / 1024th Native American.

Posted by: Elizabeth Warren at August 11, 2019 02:51 PM (IVoO9)

85 Cosmic forces are aligning.
Posted by: JackStraw at August 11, 2019 02:47 PM (ZLI7S)

Cosmic forces. Does that mean Brooke Shields is going to ask you out on a date?

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 02:51 PM (+0VWg)

86 I've been around for quite sometime and I've never seen a lace wigs post. That must have been several years ago and I'm hoping the troll and spam busting capabilities have gotten better.
Posted by: neverenoughcaffeine


Lace wigs and Machines for Sale

Epic.

Posted by: Bozo Conservative....outlaw in America at August 11, 2019 02:52 PM (S6Pax)

87 In 2016, I was trying to figure out how to get rid of a troublesome employee who was a hardcore communist antifa type. I think he seriously expected to be named commissar of the business when everything was nationalized after Hillary won.
The day after Trump won, he announced, "Don't count on me coming back, because I'm leaving the country".
Problem solved.

Posted by: cool breeze at August 11, 2019 02:52 PM (UGKMd)

88 eh, I guess the time I loudly complained about the disgusting pasta salad at a work function, thinking the caterer had brought it. But in reality the boss's office wife had made it.

Posted by: kallisto at August 11, 2019 02:52 PM (jtqoO)

89 Stupidest thing I ever said?

Probably that time I said "All 50 States". Don't get me started on the outrage I got from the other seven.

Posted by: Barry O. at August 11, 2019 02:53 PM (tVQUs)

90 Once I was attending a faculty meeting where the arts types used to drone on ad infinitum over inconsequential trivia in a total waste of time.

For this reason, another physical scientist and I hung back and staked out a table a bit away from everyone else, spread out our papers and went head down reviewing papers and proposals.

After about an hour they were handing out slips of paper for a vote.

"Pssst. What are we voting on?" I hissed out of the side of my mouth.

"Just vote 'yes,'" my co-conspirator replied, sotto voce.

"Are you sure it's a yes/no vote?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Just vote 'yes.'"

So I did. They announced the results of the vote:

"There are 14 votes for Smith, 11 for Jones, and two for "yes."

Everybody turned and looked at us, laughing, because it was obvious who had done this.

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at August 11, 2019 02:53 PM (zmxYi)

91 88 - YES - i make OK sign to celebrate!

Posted by: kallisto at August 11, 2019 02:54 PM (jtqoO)

92 Everybody turned and looked at us, laughing, because it was obvious who had done this.

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at August 11, 2019 02:53 PM (zmxYi)

Probably the best candidate though...

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at August 11, 2019 02:55 PM (wYseH)

93 my embarrassing statements have to do with stating opinions. we were visiting friends at their country house and somehow the conversation turned to watches. I stated that I, like many of my coworkers in my first job wanted to take some huge part of our first bonus and buy an expensive watch.

Shortly after we started working the head of the private client division came down and gave us a talk about how to start saving money for the future. half way into his talk he said "I know you are all thinking about spending your bonuses to buy some cool new watch, don't be stupid." he then went off about how much that money would be worth when we retired, even including the cost of maintenance. So I and nearly all of my coworkers decided not to buy the expensive watches.

when when I had told the story our hostess said "you know when I got my first big commission everything went to buying a gold cartier tank watch." awkward.

when she sat down for dinner that evening I was seated beside her and she leaned over and said "I know you think this is wasteful and nonsensical but you do have to admit it is beautiful", then she held out her hand with the watch. awkward.

Posted by: yankeefifth at August 11, 2019 02:55 PM (HALdu)

94 Thankfully, the german guy ignored it because that was when I was young and pretty.
Posted by: shibumi, future Ohio dental floss tycoon


You still are, wife of mine. (bats eyes at her)

Posted by: Bozo Conservative....outlaw in America at August 11, 2019 02:55 PM (S6Pax)

95 >>Cosmic forces. Does that mean Brooke Shields is going to ask you out on a date?

I'm not settling for garrett's leftovers.

Posted by: JackStraw at August 11, 2019 02:55 PM (ZLI7S)

96 Most embarassing? How about the thing that p'd off the most people?

Somebody at a party was praising Bradley Manning (pre-trans,) and in my vehement response I included the (quite true) observation that he was a "twink" who had betrayed the USA over a spat with his pervert partner.

Oops, there were two gays (or whatever non-normal gender they ID as) there who hated my guts for saying that, an army-brat female and her gay son. (I think the female is gay, but she's mostly a 0.3-0.4 BAC 24-hour-a-day beer drunk who drives her car into the sides of convenience stores.)

Her son also took offense once at an absurd joke I made about Justin Bieber.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 02:55 PM (mk9aG)

97 Brian Regan saying "You too."
https://tinyurl.com/y2k5uzfv

Posted by: lowandslow at August 11, 2019 02:56 PM (4thlk)

98 The most embarrassing thing I said was when I was about 8 or 10 years old. That was so long ago it doesn't matter.
Posted by: Vic at August 11, 2019 02:32 PM (mpXpK)


To be fair, Babylonian lends itself to gaffes, or so I've heard.

*rimshot*

I'll be here all week.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at August 11, 2019 02:56 PM (amw5z)

99 Lace wigs and Machines for Sale

Epic.

Posted by: Bozo Conservative....outlaw in America at August 11, 2019 02:52 PM (S6Pax)


Don't forget the Ugg Boots.

You know you're old when you can remember the spam at the HQ from years ago but can't remember what you had for breakfast yesterday.

Posted by: RickZ at August 11, 2019 02:56 PM (Y8PSl)

100 never understood the brooke shields thing, she was in the uncanny valley of famous people and had the I am being exploited by my mom vibe.

Posted by: yankeefifth at August 11, 2019 02:57 PM (HALdu)

101 88 eh, I guess the time I loudly complained about the disgusting pasta salad at a work function, thinking the caterer had brought it. But in reality the boss's office wife had made it.
Posted by: kallisto at August 11, 2019 02:52 PM (jtqoO)

Posted by: Surfperch at August 11, 2019 02:57 PM (tVQUs)

102 But in reality the boss's office wife had made it.

Posted by: kallisto at August 11, 2019 02:52 PM (


Did somebody actually chime in right then and say "Boss's Office Wife" made it or was that revealed later?

Posted by: Burnt Toast at August 11, 2019 02:57 PM (1g7ch)

103 Probably the best candidate though...
Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at August 11, 2019 02:55 PM (wYseH)


Yep. To this day I have no idea what we were voting on, but I was so embarrassed.

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at August 11, 2019 02:57 PM (zmxYi)

104 You still are, wife of mine. (bats eyes at her)
Posted by: Bozo Conservative....outlaw in America at August 11, 2019 02:55 PM (S6Pax)


Nicely played.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at August 11, 2019 02:57 PM (amw5z)

105 Butt Welded Pipe Fittings

Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 02:57 PM (IVoO9)

106 When I was about 10 a friend of mine's father took us to a Washington Senators night game. At that age you do at least as much goofing off as paying attention to the game, but just quietly because we were raised to be polite and not act like fucking nine balls in public. Except for this one time.

My goofball friends at recess would yell all sorts of dumb shit, but not cussing because the teachers were around. There was this one name that was used and I had no idea who it was but it must have been someone famous. So in the middle of the game I yelled out "Hitler".

I immediately knew I fucked up badly because there was a hush around me. I don't know if people were looking at the shithead who said that because I was trying to shrink within myself into a one dimensional point while praying furiously to God to go back in time and make that not happen. A couple innings later I asked my friend who that name was and he told me, which brought on further self recriminations. My friend's father must have brushed it off as something dumb kids will do because I assume he didn't tell Father Hate since I didn't get a lecture or worse from him. But it's still embarrassing to think of.

Posted by: Captain Hate at August 11, 2019 02:57 PM (y7DUB)

107 What Was The Most Embarrassing Thing You Have Ever Said...Out Loud?


Sit back, I'm gonna need a while.

Posted by: Slow Joey B. at August 11, 2019 02:57 PM (oVJmc)

108 You still are, wife of mine. (bats eyes at her)
Posted by: Bozo Conservative....outlaw in America at August 11, 2019 02:55 PM


And that's when the cries of "Get a room, you two!" began, CoB.

Posted by: Duncanthrax at August 11, 2019 02:58 PM (DMUuz)

109 Talking to the rest of the on-base chapel choir, who were all significantly older than me, on the subject of sanctuary temperature: "Well, I'm not the one who gets hot flashes, so don't look to me for an opinion."

That did not go over well with the soprano section.

Posted by: pookysgirl, rooting for injuries at August 11, 2019 02:58 PM (XKZwp)

110 Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at August 11, 2019 02:53 PM (zmxYi)

I laughed; Good story.

My mother was an "arts type" She hated faculty meetings and usually said nothing in the hopes that the meeting would end sooner.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 02:58 PM (+0VWg)

111 I try not to remember things like this. I'm sure my ex-wife has an indexed list.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 11, 2019 02:59 PM (NWiLs)

112 You know you're old when you can remember the spam at the HQ from years ago but can't remember what you had for breakfast yesterday.
Posted by: RickZ at August 11, 2019 02:56 PM (Y8PSl)


Eat Spam for breakfast. Problem solved.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 11, 2019 02:59 PM (t+qrx)

113 The most embarrassing thing I said was when I was about 8 or 10 years old. That was so long ago it doesn't matter.
Posted by: Vic

Wassamatta, Moses? Couldn't carry any more than ten commandments?

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 11, 2019 03:00 PM (+y/Ru)

114 when we were at dinner with some friends and busines associates I made the statement that I thought it was an obscene waste of money to have a Navy cruiser looking for jfkjr. that was not especially popular with the dinner attendees, especially the lady who was friends with the kennedy's dog groomer's, manicurist's, friend's gardner's neighbor.

Posted by: yankeefifth at August 11, 2019 03:00 PM (HALdu)

115 >>The most embarrassing thing I said was when I was about 8 or 10 years old. That was so long ago it doesn't matter.


"What if we made a Golden Calf?"

Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 03:00 PM (IVoO9)

116 Eat Spam for breakfast. Problem solved.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 11, 2019 02:59 PM (t+qrx)


Good idea. Better than scrapple, too.

Posted by: RickZ at August 11, 2019 03:00 PM (Y8PSl)

117 Eat Spam for breakfast. Problem solved.
Posted by: hogmartin at August 11, 2019 02:59 PM

=====

Good idea. Better than scrapple, too.
Posted by: RickZ at August 11, 2019 03:00 PM


But not lutefisk or SOS.

Posted by: Duncanthrax at August 11, 2019 03:02 PM (DMUuz)

118 The most embarrassing thing I said was when I was about 8 or 10 years old. That was so long ago it doesn't matter.
Posted by: Vic at August 11, 2019 02:32 PM (mpXpK)



"Look Pharoah, if the Hebrews made it so can we."

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at August 11, 2019 03:02 PM (amw5z)

119 It's easy to remember yesterday's breakfast: Diet cola and Kools. Same as lunch and dinner. Hey, I'm losing weight!

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:02 PM (mk9aG)

120 What Was The Most Embarrassing Thing You Have Ever Said...Out Loud?

Viva la France.

Posted by: Mama Macron at August 11, 2019 03:03 PM (EgshT)

121 Easy - fight 'em there so we don't have to fight 'em here.

Posted by: Hindsight is 20-20 at August 11, 2019 03:03 PM (9h8B4)

122 Sorry, got nuttin

Posted by: REDACTED at August 11, 2019 03:04 PM (+8+gB)

123 The most embarrassing thing I ever said?

Every single thing I posted at AoSHQ in 2016.

Posted by: chemjeff, still eating that bag of dicks at August 11, 2019 03:05 PM (UGKMd)

124 My mother was an "arts type" She hated faculty meetings and usually said nothing in the hopes that the meeting would end sooner.
Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 02:58 PM (+0VWg)


These used to last all afternoon, as some of the participants clearly viewed this as an entertaining way to spend the day.

The scientists, not so much. An afternoon-long meeting just meant we'd be working until late that night doing what we should have been doing during the day. We used to joke that if you dropped your pencil, you'd be two weeks behind.

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at August 11, 2019 03:05 PM (zmxYi)

125 When i was 4 years old I walked into a group of farmer neighbors playing pitch with my mom and dad and announced to everyone my mom had hemmoroids....I had just seen a woman on tv advertising an ointment and went in and blurted that out. She is 88 now and still hasnt forgiven me....

Posted by: DBCooper at August 11, 2019 03:05 PM (g4gER)

126 But not lutefisk or SOS.

Posted by: Duncanthrax at August 11, 2019 03:02 PM (DMUuz)


Now waitaminute. I actually like SOS. My Mom made it quite often. The only dish in which she used powdered milk for the gravy.

Are we on an early food thread? Ace's Time Machine must be working again.

Posted by: RickZ at August 11, 2019 03:06 PM (Y8PSl)

127 Most embarrassing thing I've _done_? I was sound tech for a bar band for a couple years, even though I am nearly deaf. Looking back on it, I'm embarrassed.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:06 PM (mk9aG)

128 >>The most embarrassing thing I said was when I was about 8 or 10 years old. That was so long ago it doesn't matter.

I don't care what he said, I'm eating the apple. What's the worst that could happen?

Posted by: JackStraw at August 11, 2019 03:06 PM (ZLI7S)

129
Lace wigs and Machines for Sale

Joseph and the amazing technicolor scrolling text.

Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at August 11, 2019 03:06 PM (aKsyK)

130 Turns out I am only 1 / 1024th Native American.
Posted by: Elizabeth Warren at August 11, 2019 02:51 PM (IVoO9)

And not even Native North American. The database genetics are all for Central and South American natives.

Posted by: Fox2! at August 11, 2019 03:07 PM (MwFQu)

131 Brazil's president: Save the planet, "Poop every other day"

-
Maybe that's what Maduro and Venezuela are up to.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 11, 2019 03:08 PM (+y/Ru)

132 And we have a winner at #123.

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at August 11, 2019 03:08 PM (wYseH)

133 And not even Native North American. The database genetics are all for Central and South American natives.

Posted by: Fox2! at August 11, 2019 03:07 PM (MwFQu)


I always knew Fauxcahontas was from Peruvia.

Posted by: RickZ at August 11, 2019 03:08 PM (Y8PSl)

134 What is SOS? I assume your mother was not serving things they scrub off pots with?

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 03:09 PM (+0VWg)

135 http://www.theattractionforums.com/showthread.php?t=127053

08-08-2010, 09:20 PM #1 chemjeff

am I hopeless?

Okay, I am a 37-year-old virgin. I'm overweight by about 60 lbs. I haven't had any serious relationships of any kind. The one time - the one, single, solitary time - I had the opportunity to have sex, I could not remain erect and it was a major embarrassment for both of us. (And no, it was not whiskey dick.) So this experience has not only crushed my self-confidence but also made me afraid of sex. I'm lonely and pathetic and I don't know what to do. I feel completely hopeless, that I will die a lonely virgin. I'm looking for any spark of hope that may exist for my pathetic soul.

Posted by: BourbonChicken at August 11, 2019 03:09 PM (LxTcq)

136 I'm waiting fr Ace to stop by and enter :

"I once banned myself from my own blog."

Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 03:09 PM (IVoO9)

137 I once had my DNA tested and the results made public to bolster my claim of being a Native American.

Turns out I am only 1 / 1024th Native American.
Posted by: Elizabeth Warren at August 11, 2019 02:51 PM (IVoO9)

There was a story in DM I think, of some kid conceived via IVF, gifting her parents a DNA kit and results. Turns out she had none of dad's DNA. A bit of a mix up at the clinic. Matched up to one of the docs at the clinic, though.

Posted by: runner at August 11, 2019 03:09 PM (bUjCl)

138 Thanks, CBD for a "lighter" post. I think it's good to have those here.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 03:09 PM (+0VWg)

139 "An afternoon-long meeting just meant we'd be working until late that night doing what we should have been doing during the day."

Yeah, every meeting, everywhere, is an utter waste of man-hours. Even worse than that. Say your project requires 1000 man-hours. If you skip the meetings, it will take 800. If you do 200 hours of meetings, the project will then require 2000 hours because of all the mistaken decisions that come out of f'n meetings.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:10 PM (mk9aG)

140 The most embarrassing thing I ever said?

Every single thing I posted at AoSHQ in 2016.
Posted by: chemjeff, still eating that bag of dicks at August 11, 2019 03:05 PM (UGKMd)

I got you beat with everything I posted in 2017.

Posted by: Banana Splits Guy, guzzling bags of dicks at August 11, 2019 03:10 PM (tVQUs)

141 I was looking at some damage at an intersection of a gravel road and a dirt road the morning after a torrential rain. Water was pouring over the roadway, flowing from a terraced field to the northwest.

The rainfall amount (up to 11 inches), in one night, was enough to get my area declared part of a Federal Disaster Area.

A car stopped, and an older woman, perchance older than myself, started talking to me. After introductions, we talked about the rain and damage.

She said "Last night I got 9 inches." I replied "Now you're bragging."

Oops.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at August 11, 2019 03:10 PM (u82oZ)

142 Posted by: BourbonChicken at August 11, 2019 03:09 PM (LxTcq)

My doesn't he just go the gym, lose weight and talk to women on the machines?

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 03:12 PM (+0VWg)

143 And the Oscar for Best Drama Queen goes to . . .

Race Imboden, an Olympic medalist and part of the men's foil team that won gold at the Pan American Games, wrote on Twitter that he was honored to represent Team USA at the event, but his pride was "cut short" by "shortcomings" of his country.

"Racism, Gun Control, mistreatment of immigrants, and a president who spreads hate are at the top of a long list," he wrote in a series of tweets. "I chose to [sacrifice] my moment today at the top of the podium to call attention to issues that I believe need to be addressed. I encourage others to please use your platforms for empowerment and change."

-
Well, I notice he isn't an Olympic medalist in smart.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 11, 2019 03:12 PM (+y/Ru)

144 The most embarrassing thing I ever said?

Every single thing I posted at AoSHQ in 2016.
Posted by: chemjeff, still eating that bag of dicks at August 11, 2019 03:05 PM (UGKMd)

I got you beat with everything I posted in 2017.
Posted by: Banana Splits Guy, guzzling bags of dicks at August 11, 2019 03:10 PM (tVQUs)


Hold my beer.

Posted by: raimondo, Buying the Industrial Size Drum of Dicks at Costco at August 11, 2019 03:13 PM (amw5z)

145 Vendor tour walks through work. Group includes hot blonde.

CO-WORKER: Whoa. Check out that blonde.

ME: Yeah! Me rikey!


My co-worker is Asian.

Posted by: Taro Tsujimoto at August 11, 2019 03:13 PM (j4zcI)

146 Yeah, "when is the baby due?" is right up there.

Posted by: Mama Macron at August 11, 2019 03:13 PM (EgshT)

147 Posted by: BourbonChicken at August 11, 2019 03:09 PM (LxTcq)


Yikes.

Posted by: Slow Joey B. at August 11, 2019 03:13 PM (oVJmc)

148 There was a story in DM I think, of some kid conceived via IVF, gifting her parents a DNA kit and results. Turns out she had none of dad's DNA. A bit of a mix up at the clinic. Matched up to one of the docs at the clinic, though.
Posted by: runner at August 11, 2019 03:09 PM (bUjCl)


A friend of mine proudly showed me the results of the DNA tests on himself, his wife, and their two kids that purported to show where they'd come from. I looked up at my wife with raised eyebrows.

After my friend left, my wife said she thought I was expressing skepticism re DNA testing for ethnicity (which I also have).

"No, I was wondering why he would tell me he had his kids tested too. Presumably learning mom and dad's ethnicity would suffice, unless ..."

Fortunately, I only thought that at the time, but didn't say it.

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at August 11, 2019 03:14 PM (zmxYi)

149 And it was September 4th, 2018. I should know better by now. But ... Moron.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at August 11, 2019 03:14 PM (u82oZ)

150 I accidentally texted one word- "FUPA" to the wrong recipient and had to explain what it meant to my boss.


That video was funny - I thought it was going to end in "this is CNN" - like CNN is manipulating us to fight each other

Posted by: batterup at August 11, 2019 03:14 PM (U2JQS)

151 "I'm looking for any spark of hope that may exist for my pathetic soul."

If you are a man virgin, there is hope. Always remember this: women are not worth the trouble it takes to try to bed them. Watch the Leslie Howard / Bette Davis "Of Human Bondage." They don't think the way men do, and they don't want the same things men do.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:15 PM (mk9aG)

152 Yeah, every meeting, everywhere, is an utter waste of man-hours. Even worse than that. Say your project requires 1000 man-hours. If you skip the meetings, it will take 800. If you do 200 hours of meetings, the project will then require 2000 hours because of all the mistaken decisions that come out of f'n meetings.
Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:10 PM (mk9aG)


We've had meetings about how to plan and conduct meetings more efficiently so as not to waste time. We have had meetings to address deficiencies that arose because all our SMEs were stuck in irrelevant meetings instead of free to do actual work. We have had meetings to address deficiencies that arose because SMEs had no input because they weren't invited to relevant meetings. It's an ouroboros of meetings.

And there are never any good bagels.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 11, 2019 03:15 PM (t+qrx)

153 (Probably should have mentioned that, contrary to my nickname, I am NOT Asian. Pretty much blew the impact of that story, I guess.)

Posted by: Taro Tsujimoto at August 11, 2019 03:15 PM (j4zcI)

154 Okay, I am a 37-year-old virgin. I'm overweight by about 60 lbs. I haven't had any serious relationships of any kind. The one time - the one, single, solitary time - I had the opportunity to have sex, I could not remain erect and it was a major embarrassment for both of us. (And no, it was not whiskey dick.) So this experience has not only crushed my self-confidence but also made me afraid of sex. I'm lonely and pathetic and I don't know what to do. I feel completely hopeless, that I will die a lonely virgin. I'm looking for any spark of hope that may exist for my pathetic soul.

-
And that's when I decided to make faux documentary films.

Posted by: Michael Moore at August 11, 2019 03:15 PM (+y/Ru)

155 It wasn't what I said, but it was stupid in that I commented it on an archived thread.

Posted by: Surfperch at August 11, 2019 03:15 PM (tVQUs)

156 I was wondering why he would tell me he had his kids tested too




These are mine, mine !

Posted by: runner at August 11, 2019 03:16 PM (bUjCl)

157 Well, I can think of some embarrassing thing I COULD have said, but the better angels of my nature restrained me. I was at some denominational meeting where we were discussing a report and some woman-in her late 20's or early thirties said, "Can you use "______Church members and not men and women because someone might be offended by those terms. I think I said "Good Lord, That is dumb" under my breath-not out loud.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 03:16 PM (+0VWg)

158 Now I just ask how many tools are being hidden in that shed.

Posted by: Mama Macron at August 11, 2019 03:16 PM (EgshT)

159 "an Olympic medalist ... wrote on Twitter"

Screw sports, and screw athletes.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:17 PM (mk9aG)

160 My co-worker is Asian.
Posted by: Taro Tsujimoto at August 11, 2019 03:13 PM (j4zcI)


Does he know you know?

Posted by: hogmartin at August 11, 2019 03:18 PM (t+qrx)

161 Machines for sale was the best. Someone here did a long and involved descriptive spoof one time. It was top-notch hilarity.

Posted by: washrivergal at August 11, 2019 03:18 PM (9+jnX)

162 Post #140. I laughed!

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 03:18 PM (+0VWg)

163

Does farting during sex count? Asking for someone else.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at August 11, 2019 03:18 PM (zBaqJ)

164 I asked an overweight lady who carried the extra weight different from most when her baby was due. Doh!

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 11, 2019 03:19 PM (r+sAi)

165 What is SOS? I assume your mother was not serving things they scrub off pots with?




Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 03:09 PM (+0VWg)

Creamed beef on toast, a staple of US Military cuisine for over a century now.
If I recall, SOS means S*** on a Shingle (the shingle being the tray).

Posted by: Vendette at August 11, 2019 03:19 PM (OgGoW)

166 They don't think the way men do, and they don't want the same things men do.


==


...and they don't look like men do...well, most don't...

Posted by: runner at August 11, 2019 03:19 PM (bUjCl)

167 Creamed beef on toast, a staple of US Military cuisine for over a century now.
If I recall, SOS means S*** on a Shingle (the shingle being the tray).
Posted by: Vendette at August 11, 2019 03:19 PM (OgGoW)


I thought the toast was the shingle.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 11, 2019 03:19 PM (t+qrx)

168 Does farting during sex count? Asking for someone else.






Posted by: J.J. Sefton at August 11, 2019 03:18 PM (zBaqJ)


What about yoga?

Posted by: Vendette at August 11, 2019 03:19 PM (OgGoW)

169 Does farting during sex count?

That's not embarrassing. That's foreplay.

Posted by: Little Lupe at August 11, 2019 03:20 PM (EgshT)

170 I thought the toast was the shingle.


Posted by: hogmartin at August 11, 2019 03:19 PM (t+qrx)

Happy to be corrected. (Yeah, I'm a female who will admit she's in error.)

Posted by: Vendette at August 11, 2019 03:20 PM (OgGoW)

171 "We've had meetings about how to plan and conduct meetings"

That's why I never laughed at Dilbert. I was Dilbert, and it was NOT fun to be Dilbert. I don't want to go as far as saying it gave me PTSD, but it changed me for the worse.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:21 PM (mk9aG)

172 Creamed beef on toast, a staple of US Military cuisine for over a century now.
If I recall, SOS means S*** on a Shingle (the shingle being the tray).
Posted by: Vendette at A




think that the shingle is the toast under the creamed chipped beef

Posted by: yankeefifth at August 11, 2019 03:21 PM (HALdu)

173 I thought the toast was the shingle.
Posted by: hogmartin


What about the Twinkie?

Posted by: Winston Zedemore at August 11, 2019 03:22 PM (S6Pax)

174 102. no Office Wife's face got bright red and I thought...shit! Then after the event Boss came to me and revealed the true 'chef' but he was laughing. I said just tell her my taste buds are off due to head cold.

Posted by: kallisto at August 11, 2019 03:22 PM (jtqoO)

175 "Well, I can think of some embarrassing thing I COULD have said, but the better angels of my nature restrained me."

There's a French phrase for that. Ace would know. And a French phrase for how we always think of the perfect replies AFTER an argument or conversation.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:22 PM (mk9aG)

176 "I don't want you to marry him." Referring to a buddy. "No one wants you to marry him. No one likes you."

They have been married 30 years this year. No one likes her.

Posted by: San Franpsycho at August 11, 2019 03:23 PM (EZebt)

177 Well, I can think of some embarrassing thing I COULD have said, but the better angels of my nature restrained me. I was at some denominational meeting where we were discussing a report and some woman-in her late 20's or early thirties said, "Can you use "______Church members and not men and women because someone might be offended by those terms. I think I said "Good Lord, That is dumb" under my breath-not out loud.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11
=======
You've just described a scenario that gets played out in Corporate America on an hourly basis.

Posted by: 2009Refugee at August 11, 2019 03:23 PM (8AONa)

178 Yeah, every meeting, everywhere, is an utter waste of man-hours. Even worse than that. Say your project requires 1000 man-hours. If you skip the meetings, it will take 800. If you do 200 hours of meetings, the project will then require 2000 hours because of all the mistaken decisions that come out of f'n meetings.
Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:10 PM (mk9aG)


A good meeting starts on time, ends on or before time, and has a sufficiently detailed agenda setting out the matters to be decided, and the options before the house, that those not in attendance should be able to render a proxy vote. That is, the issues and options are thoroughly teed up in advance.

A good meeting also has a good chairman who will take two people to speak to opposing sides of an issue: a statement, a rebuttal, the opposing statement, and the rebuttal to it, and keeps the speakers to time (say, two minutes each) before calling for a vote.

A good meeting also has all participants addressing ONLY the chairman, and not each other, and afterwards has the minutes circulated detailing the decisions taken and the parties responsible for implementing those decisions.

When I chaired a meeting, I strove to do all of those (never succeeded in getting participants to refrain from addressing each other, though). Number of meetings I've attended that the other things? Zero.

The sign that a meeting is going to be a disaster: someone looking around and saying, "Whose meeting is this, anyway?"

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at August 11, 2019 03:23 PM (zmxYi)

179
I thought the toast was the shingle.
Posted by: hogmartin at August 11, 2019 03:19 PM (t+qrx)
-----
Me too. This is upsetting, and now I am unsure about a lot of things.

Posted by: Weasel at August 11, 2019 03:23 PM (MVjcR)

180 My sister accidentally addressed her teacher as "Mommy" in class.

She was in the seventh grade.

Posted by: Patrick at August 11, 2019 03:23 PM (DvRkF)

181 1. We're over 100 comments;
2. Every thread is a gub thread.

Willowed from the previous post

Is the ultimate failure of (unconstitutional, ineffective) "common sense" "gun safety" measures, such as universal background checks and magazine capacity bans going to serve as the rationale for proposing what they really want? House to house confiscation?

Will they be the point man in the stack?

Posted by: Fox2! at August 11, 2019 03:23 PM (MwFQu)

182 Most embarrassing?
Typos, but try and find them in the last million comments

Posted by: Skip at August 11, 2019 03:24 PM (BbGew)

183 And a French phrase for how we always think of the perfect replies AFTER an argument or conversation.
Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:22 PM (mk9aG)


L'esprit de l'escalier.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 11, 2019 03:24 PM (t+qrx)

184 Hey Fenelon!

I, also, was in Princeton while Brooke was a student. My wife (girlfriend at the time) used to encounter her once in awhile - professionaly and personaly. I just saw her around. She lived about three blocks from our place, and went to the gym up the street.

Posted by: French Jeton at August 11, 2019 03:24 PM (Fjvqd)

185 Now that I read the comments I see that I am not the only prego comment so in that case its not embarrassing at all.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 11, 2019 03:24 PM (r+sAi)

186 Me too. This is upsetting, and now I am unsure about a lot of things.


Posted by: Weasel at August 11, 2019 03:23 PM (MVjcR)

I was incorrect. It's the toast.
*Hands Weasel a paper bag for hyperventilation purposes*

Posted by: Vendette at August 11, 2019 03:24 PM (OgGoW)

187 "The sign that a meeting is going to be a disaster: " Notification of a meeting coming up.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:25 PM (mk9aG)

188 There's a French phrase for that. Ace would know.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:22 PM (mk9aG)

L'idee l'escalier

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at August 11, 2019 03:25 PM (wYseH)

189 The sign that a meeting is going to be a disaster: someone looking around and saying, "Whose meeting is this, anyway?"
Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at August 11, 2019 03:23 PM (zmxYi)

And realizing they were the listed organizer of the meeting.

Posted by: Fox2! at August 11, 2019 03:25 PM (MwFQu)

190 There's a French phrase for that. Ace would know. And a French phrase for how we always think of the perfect replies AFTER an argument or conversation.
Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:22 PM (mk9aG)


L'esprit de l'escalier.

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at August 11, 2019 03:25 PM (zmxYi)

191 There's a French phrase for that. Ace would know. And a French phrase for how we always think of the perfect replies AFTER an argument or conversation.
Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:22 PM (mk9aG)


Fahrvergnugen

Posted by: Literally Hitler at August 11, 2019 03:26 PM (amw5z)

192 I was incorrect. It's the toast.
*Hands Weasel a paper bag for hyperventilation purposes*
Posted by: Vendette at August 11, 2019 03:24 PM (OgGoW)


*hands Weasel a tube of model cement for the bag*

Welcome to the party.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 11, 2019 03:26 PM (t+qrx)

193 I once asked my son...er...husband if he needed to make a number one or a number two.

Posted by: Mama Macron at August 11, 2019 03:27 PM (EgshT)

194 Mike Tyson showing a good deal of insight and self reflection:

Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson spoke to the Alabama football team on Thursday night, urging players to love themselves and manage their anger in a healthy way.

"It was all an illusion," Tyson told the team, via ESPN. "I had no reason to show love to anybody. The more I hurt people, the more people loved me. The more I knocked guys out, the more I broke their ribs, broke their eye sockets, the more people loved me. So what was I to think? I hurt everybody. I hurt women. I hurt my friends. I hurt strangers. I had no concept of myself. I didn't know who I was. I was this boxer who hurt people. I always had to be 'Iron Mike.'

"You gotta love yourself before you can love one another and your teammates. There was a time I didn't love myself."

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 11, 2019 03:27 PM (+y/Ru)

195 "Fahrvergnugen" OK I laughed out loud at that one!

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:28 PM (mk9aG)

196 And realizing they were the listed organizer of the meeting.
Posted by: Fox2! at August 11, 2019 03:25 PM (MwFQu)


Just the fact that nobody knows who called this meeting guarantees a trainwreck, since if no one even knows who called the meeting, there is no way anyone could know the issues, much less the options.

I used to joke that we should call pointless anonymously-organized meetings in competing companies just to waste their time.

Posted by: Deplorable Jay Guevara at August 11, 2019 03:28 PM (zmxYi)

197 Yup..."L'esprit de l'escalier." I was wrong.

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at August 11, 2019 03:28 PM (wYseH)

198 Posted by: Patrick at August 11, 2019 03:23 PM (DvRkF)

He doesn't do it in public, but my son will sometimes say addressing me or his dad separately "MomDad". I think it's the equivalent of parents saying "Randy, Joe, Peter' when they're talking to one to their kids and it takes them a while to spit out the actual name.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 03:29 PM (+0VWg)

199 Posted by: French Jeton at August 11, 2019 03:24 PM (Fjvqd)

I always got the impression she was sort of a pleasant person-not yapping her gums about politics anyway.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 03:30 PM (+0VWg)

200 And there are never any good bagels.
Posted by: hogmartin at August 11, 2019 03:15 PM (t+qrx)

And the cream cheese! Oy, you wouldn't believe what they're calling cream cheese nowadays!

Posted by: Fox2! at August 11, 2019 03:30 PM (MwFQu)

201 Yesterday....

Me: "The children are really quiet. What are they doing?"

Dyslexic husband: "Don't wake the lying dog."

Me: *convulsing with laughter* "That expression, I do not think it goes, like you think it goes."

Posted by: Brunette the 'Ette at August 11, 2019 03:31 PM (adsVM)

202 L'esprit de l'escalier.




==

A very famous chef at the Ritz, early 20th century

Posted by: runner at August 11, 2019 03:31 PM (bUjCl)

203 my friend was very proud of his new profanity apparently, though I had never heard it. At an away high school basketball game, there was a bad call by the ref ... fans made some noise, my friend next to me yelled "something something you c*** licker" ... very effective, silenced the whole crowd.


that was in the 70's -- maybe that is normal at antifa rallies now, or admired as a good thing ... not then. So brave ... I never heard him say that again. embarrassing for him maybe, and for the rest of the crowd.

Posted by: illiniwek at August 11, 2019 03:31 PM (Cus5s)

204 if ever a thread called for a cascade of

types...

deletes.

posts, it is this one

Posted by: redc1c4 at August 11, 2019 03:31 PM (SXMRB)

205 types....

deletes.

Posted by: redc1c4 at August 11, 2019 03:31 PM (SXMRB)

206 "I think it's the equivalent of parents saying "Randy, Joe, Peter' when they're talking to one to their kids and it takes them a while to spit out the actual name."

One family had daughters named Julie and Deedee. They did that so often that I named their kids JuDeedee and DeeJulie. It stuck.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:32 PM (mk9aG)

207 "Shit, my wife hits me harder than that."

Posted by: pawn at August 11, 2019 03:32 PM (PveK5)

208 *hands Weasel a tube of model cement for the bag*

Welcome to the party.
Posted by: hogmartin at August 11, 2019 03:26 PM (t+qrx)

Toluene. Good for what ails you.

Posted by: Fox2! at August 11, 2019 03:32 PM (MwFQu)

209 One time I noted that a hat in the pro shop at the Country Club was fit only for hobos. When I looked up, there was the Chairman of the club, a local judge, wearing the selfsame hat. Oof!

Posted by: Farmer Bob at August 11, 2019 03:33 PM (87EdW)

210 Twenty years ago I had a phone interview for what was, at the time, a dream job, and I forgot the lead guy's last name. His first name was Ed, though.

Yep.

I, in my nervousness, called him "Mr. Ed."

Much laughing commenced on their side of the phone and the interview ended about 30 seconds later.

Posted by: Moron Robbie - Eight Has No Home Here at August 11, 2019 03:33 PM (RMwSd)

211 I saw L'esprit de l'escalier open for Escargot in Paris, but couldn't hear them well because Muslims were shooting the place up.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:34 PM (mk9aG)

212 Race Imboden, an Olympic medalist and part of the men's foil team that won gold at the Pan American Games, wrote on Twitter that he was honored to represent Team USA at the event, but his pride was "cut short" by "shortcomings" of his country.

-
And wouldn't you know it? HE'S A GINGER!

https://bit.ly/2TunNJW

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 11, 2019 03:34 PM (+y/Ru)

213 Nothing stands out apart, perhaps, from an inappropriate f-bomb.

Posted by: N.L. Urker. I will urk until I can't urk anymore. at August 11, 2019 03:35 PM (eAMlh)

214 On a city street, met a female coworker and said 'Hi.'
Got a double-take, then she said 'Frank! - I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.'

Posted by: Frank at August 11, 2019 03:35 PM (rglbH)

215 Once while being intimate with Reg I cried out "bark like a dog!" and my stomach growled.

Posted by: Baracky O'Cracky at August 11, 2019 03:36 PM (EgshT)

216 Funny, I remember lots of cringey things I said when I was like 3-4 years old. But I tend to not talk much at all, and seriously can't remember saying anything in nearly 60 years since. And I think I remember things like that when I was so very young is it was so incredibly cringey even a 4 year old does a face palm afterwards.

My mother with dementia though - it's like freaking tourette's on steroids. She'll blurt right out, plenty loud enough for anybody to hear about whatever somebody is wearing, their weight, their race - pretty much Howard Cosell color commentary.

Luckily the only time she goes out is to the doctors or church. Chances of somebody in one of those places killing us is greatly reduced.

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at August 11, 2019 03:36 PM (HgadO)

217 A friend of mine was in a low class strip joint. One of the performers was a red headed midget. It was kinda raunchy, but the music was good - although incredably LOUD. He was talking loudly - practically yelling to his friends when the music abruptly stopped. He was yelling and suddenly in total silence he yelled one word -MIDGET!!!!

The redhead promptly stomped over and asked "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME???!!!". The bouncers showed up 2 seconds later a d he promptly got removed from the establishment.

Posted by: The Guy at August 11, 2019 03:37 PM (JWcgS)

218 Okay, I am a 37-year-old virgin. I'm overweight by about 600 lbs.

FIFY

Posted by: Fox2! at August 11, 2019 03:37 PM (MwFQu)

219 I once heard an Assistant Director of the FBI say the President ordered flags to half staff on August 8th to honor Adolf Hitler. I don't think it gets more embarrassing than that...

Posted by: Yudhishthira's Dice at August 11, 2019 03:37 PM (IOh4E)

220 I think midget is a perfectly fine term. Oh wait, did I just say something embarrassing.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 11, 2019 03:40 PM (r+sAi)

221 There's a French phrase for that. Ace would know.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:22 PM



L'esprit d' Costanza

Posted by: Hands at August 11, 2019 03:41 PM (786Ro)

222 I once screamed "boner" in a bath house.

Posted by: Baracky O'Cracky at August 11, 2019 03:41 PM (EgshT)

223 Posted by: 2009Refugee at August 11, 2019 03:23 PM (8AONa)

Does the people wanting to change "men and women" to "_______ (Company name) employees" so they don't offend people get played out hourly in corporate America, or people saying, "Good Lord, that is dumb" under their breath? I was in the very back of a huge meeting so I think only the person next to me heard it and they probably thought it was dumb too, since I know their opinions on various things.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 03:41 PM (+0VWg)

224 I once said "jerry rigged" to a very good friend who happens to be black. Except I didn't exactly say "jerry". She was really cool about it though, probably because she's not German.

Posted by: freaked at August 11, 2019 03:42 PM (Tnijr)

225
So much to choose from.

Let's go with the time when we had an all-hands meeting at work in the auditorium to go over our new Wellness Program benefit for employees that would go into effect Oct. 1st. I just had to raise my hand and announce my recent Sept. colonoscopy at age 50 and questioned if I would get point credit for it under the new plan, also mentioning I had the cleanest plumbing result.

Back to lurking. :-)

Posted by: Sapwolf at August 11, 2019 03:42 PM (PRyLN)

226 During summer band camp in middle school, it had to be almost 90° as we were being chewed out by the band teacher out on the abominably humid fields. Couldn't get formations right, puking, crying, etc.

When Mr. Clay yelled out yet another angry rhetorical question, in the ensuing seconds of silence I let one rip, completely unintentional but impertenently loud.

Looking back on it the comedic timing was exquisite but, being a delicate lad, I panicked. Pointed at the guy next to me and shrieked, "IT WAS ME!"

We were dismissed at that point so I was something of a hero/outcast.

Posted by: doomed at August 11, 2019 03:44 PM (ExmxZ)

227 At the same time, don't love yourself too much.

Posted by: David Carridine at August 11, 2019 03:46 PM (H5knJ)

228 One time I noted that a hat in the pro shop at the Country Club was fit only for hobos. When I looked up, there was the Chairman of the club, a local judge, wearing the selfsame hat. Oof!
Posted by: Farmer Bob at August 11, 2019 03:33 PM (87EdW)

Yup....did he get a bowl of soup when he bought the hat too?

Posted by: Hairyback Guy at August 11, 2019 03:47 PM (Z+IKu)

229 I was in an elevator with several friends descending from the Observation Deck of Hancock Tower in Chicago. Also in the elevator were 2-3 older couples who were just out for a nice dinner/evening. I don't remember what prompted it but in the elevator I shouted, "Yes, yes, fuck you too," quoting Eddie Murphy from the movie "Coming To America." I got several eye-rolls and a couple of audible "Jesus Christs" from the folks who didn't count themselves among my circle of friends.

Good times....

Posted by: Heywood Jablomey at August 11, 2019 03:48 PM (OduRU)

230 >>One time I noted that a hat in the pro shop at the Country Club was fit only for hobos. When I looked up, there was the Chairman of the club, a local judge, wearing the selfsame hat. Oof!

You're Rodney Dangerfield?

Posted by: JackStraw at August 11, 2019 03:49 PM (ZLI7S)

231 Said wrong think about a person in a film who had 4 children from three different baby daddies being less worthy of sympathy than a Viet Nam vet alcoholic. My stated rationale was that she had done this to herself, FOUR TIMES.


The single moms in attendance were less than happy, yet plenty harpy.

Posted by: flounder, rebel, vulgarian, deplorable, winner at August 11, 2019 03:49 PM (t6MX/)

232 Yes, Fenelon, my wife said Brooke was a sweet and humble girl.

Posted by: French Jeton at August 11, 2019 03:49 PM (Fjvqd)

233 i once asked for a jack and cocaine, instead of a jack and coke even though i never touch the stuff.

it was particularly embarrassing because the lady taking my order was a big wig in town and knew my pop.

Posted by: trapper's girl at August 11, 2019 03:49 PM (0E2W3)

234 "Even the french teacher was a hottie."

Je sais

Posted by: G marks the spot at August 11, 2019 03:50 PM (V0UBB)

235 My husband and I were on a cruise....designated seating for 4. After 3 nights, with a same sex couple, whom my husband assumed was father/son, we were going to be seated the remainder with someone else. My husband rose to say goodbye to the couple....saying....."I am so happy to have met such a wonderful father, who clearly adores his son. I hope to be you in 2o years with my son."

They were a gay couple. I knew it, thought my husband knew it. Husband was completely clueless. The look on the "couple's" face was priceless.

Posted by: Kay at August 11, 2019 03:50 PM (fii6w)

236 My worst? You're gonna need a bigger blog.
But probably short and sweet is best. I asked a woman acquaintance:"When are you due?"

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at August 11, 2019 03:50 PM (CPk08)

237 "81 One of these days I am going to get to meet Brooke Shields again." Please don't stalk her, but if you do see her again, ask her how/why her mother let her do a movie naked at age 12.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:51 PM (mk9aG)

238 "i once asked for a jack and cocaine, instead of a jack and coke even though i never touch the stuff."

You've never had a jack and coke?

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:52 PM (mk9aG)

239 I can't say it's the most embarrassing, but definitely the most awkward....

So the nice church lady that used to put the message on the church sign saw one in a book of phrases she plucked them from that said "Forgiveness is to swallow when you want to spit".

Now obviously the message was intended to relay that its better to swallow your anger instead of spitting venom, but in this reprobate society, a few people on Facebook took a picture of it and started laughing at the sexualized interpretation of the message.

So I stopped by to talk with the Pastor about it, he's a very godly man. So I hinted that they might want to change the sign, that some members of the community were making fun of it. He said "Why?". So I awkwardly said "Well, they are sexualizing it" and sort of hoped that would suffice.

Instead I got "Sexualizing it? What?".

At this point I was a bit stuck because I was already down that path too far. So I reluctantly said "They are kind of referring to like oral stuff".

Again, his initial response was "What?", followed by awkward silence, followed by eyes widening, followed by "Ohhh", followed by "Well that's ridiculous!".

It was like a birds and the bees talk, only way worse x 200.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger at August 11, 2019 03:52 PM (OrcEf)

240 I have a feeling a jack and coke is something completely different between me and Bathhouse Barky.

Posted by: Farmer Bob at August 11, 2019 03:54 PM (87EdW)

241 It was like a birds and the bees talk, only way worse x 200.





Posted by: Bitter Clinger at August 11, 2019 03:52 PM (OrcEf)

lol
Birds and bees with your pastor.

Posted by: flounder, rebel, vulgarian, deplorable, winner at August 11, 2019 03:54 PM (t6MX/)

242
I can't remember anything I've said that hasn't made me cringe later. My life is dedicated to forgetting.

Posted by: Hadrian the Seventh at August 11, 2019 03:54 PM (Wx/+I)

243 Oh now I remember most embarassing thing I said! Sang actually. I was in a friend's garage, and spontaneously began singing "Frigging in the Rigging," (an obscure Eric Idle song.)

There were consequences.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:55 PM (mk9aG)

244 I still try to slip in "that's what she said," inappropriately, in interactions with random females.


So far, so good, with only a few chuckles.

Posted by: flounder, rebel, vulgarian, deplorable, winner at August 11, 2019 03:56 PM (t6MX/)

245 "I asked a woman acquaintance:"When are you due?"" Man, even I felt that one! Right in the gut. So sorry for you!

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:57 PM (mk9aG)

246 I was telling a guy what some a**hole had done, then realized I was talking to the a**hole.

Posted by: French Jeton at August 11, 2019 03:57 PM (Fjvqd)

247 A recent one:

We were watching a crime show with our adult daughter. The police were working on solving the murder of a young woman and as with all British cop shows they were reviewing the CCTV footage of the area. They showed a CCTV clip of the young woman getting on a bus and taking a seat. My daughter piped up and said, "Was that before she was killed?"

I gave her a Spock eyebrow.

Posted by: Muldoon at August 11, 2019 03:57 PM (mvenn)

248 About 1968 I went to revival meeting and the preacher was going on about modern decadence. At one point he finished by dramatically saying, "And they call it the new morality!" An elderly lady from the parishioners replied, "I call it sin!"

It was pretty funny.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 11, 2019 03:58 PM (+y/Ru)

249 Breaking911 @Breaking911
24m
FLASH: AT LEAST 40 PEOPLE SHOT, 3 FATALLY SINCE FRIDAY EVENING IN CHICAGO - WLS

Posted by: Deep State is in Deep Shit at August 11, 2019 04:00 PM (BqBId)

250 OK, I see a bunch of people did the she's -pregnant-when-she-wasn't thing. Makes me feel better. I say inept stuff all the time. I hava a collerague who wasn't looking well. Young-ish woman, and I asked her (no real names) "Hey Susan, are you OK? You look terrible."

Or I'm go to someone's office to ask something, and he's got a visiting colleague with him. He asks me something about a standardized form of reporting, and I say "Synoptics? I hate those. What idiots do they get o write them, anyways. " Guess who his colleague was?

and so forth...

Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut In at August 11, 2019 04:01 PM (CPk08)

251 I was the eldest of five in a family full of thin-skinned wiseacres (me included). One night at dinner it seemed to be my turn for the tease-fest (to this day I have no idea what it was about) and in my head, I told myself to just ignore them and don't let on that they were getting to me. Eventually I decided I had had enough and in an above-it-all snooty manner asked, "May I please be ignored?" They stated they would be delighted to accommodate me before I could get the blazes out of there. Mortification and to this day, better part of sixty years later, I still hear about it and now all the nephews have heard about it, too.

Posted by: Jaclyn Duysters at August 11, 2019 04:01 PM (kIDWl)

252 In middle school I learned a new word. I knew it was an insult but had no idea what it meant. Fast forward a few days and mom was driving my sister and me somewhere. Me in the backseat and sister who was in high school in the front seat. We were arguing back and forth about something. No idea what.

I come out and yell, "Yeah, well you're a whore!"

That was a show stopper. I still giggle about it to this day.

Posted by: Trog04 at August 11, 2019 04:01 PM (oecje)

253 I dropped an F bomb while MC'ing a talent show at West Point in front of a thousand parents and some brass. Thankfully, the parents laughed and the major didn't jumped my shit too bad. He said, "No more ad-libbing.

Posted by: Cadet Meatball at August 11, 2019 04:02 PM (hr3rA)

254 "My daughter piped up and said, "Was that before she was killed?"" Tell her no, because the scenes are always shot out of sequence, and they rearrange the scenes in the editing room, to make it look like she was still alive.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:02 PM (mk9aG)

255 FLASH: AT LEAST 40 PEOPLE SHOT, 3 FATALLY SINCE FRIDAY EVENING IN CHICAGO - WLS

.....

It doesn't count if they are shot in groups of 3 or less.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger at August 11, 2019 04:02 PM (OrcEf)

256 And one on me:

A nervous husband was pacing outside the delivery room as his wfe was getting prepped to give birth. He asked me, "Can I be in the room when she delivers?"

I blurted out, "If the baby's father doesn't mind."

Posted by: Muldoon at August 11, 2019 04:02 PM (mvenn)

257 A few years ago Mrs D and I were at a party. Drinks glowing, meeting old friends and new. I was telling a joke to a couple of guys. Mrs D was off somewhere.
So what's the difference between your wife and your mistress?
About 40lbs.
Their laughter quickly turned to grins of rictus shock. Without even looking back I said, She's right behind me isn't she.
That became the funny part.
Timing is everything.

Posted by: Diogenes at August 11, 2019 04:03 PM (axyOa)

258 http://bit.ly/2Mdpgn4
*******
teve Bannon: Trump Is Toughest Candidate in My Lifetime, Tougher than Reagan - I Happen to See Trump Getting 40-50% of Hispanic Vote (VIDEO)

Posted by: Deep State is in Deep Shit at August 11, 2019 04:03 PM (BqBId)

259 "....to keep and bare arms shall not be limited". Why do we limit 'arms' to guns? Why can't I have a cannon?

Posted by: Lewis Bowlby at August 11, 2019 04:03 PM (Lxxwf)

260 Or I'm go to someone's office to ask something, and he's got a visiting colleague with him. He asks me something about a standardized form of reporting, and I say "Synoptics? I hate those. What idiots do they get o write them, anyways. " Guess who his colleague was?

and so forth...
Posted by: Alcoholic Asshole Shut

----

Oh yeah. Every time I rhetorically ask "Who was the f*cking genius that . . . . ", the f*cking genius is right next to me.

It's a gift.

Posted by: Tonypete at August 11, 2019 04:03 PM (Y4EXg)

261 message on the church sign

-
I saw an advertising sign outside a garage today, "Under the Hood For 150 Years!" I guess they're the White Knights of Kars, Karborators and Krackups.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 11, 2019 04:04 PM (+y/Ru)

262 "AT LEAST 40 PEOPLE SHOT, 3 FATALLY SINCE FRIDAY EVENING IN CHICAGO"

The only golden-lining to thug violence is that they are such poor marksmen. They really don't care if they hit anything; they don't. They just like showing off to their peers what badasses they are. It's fireworks for street cred. It is absolutely atrocious that we let this go on.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:05 PM (mk9aG)

263 lol
Birds and bees with your pastor.

Posted by: flounder, rebel, vulgarian, deplorable, winner at August 11, 2019 03:54 PM (t6MX/)


Probably makes a helluva marriage counselor, though.

Posted by: RickZ at August 11, 2019 04:05 PM (Y8PSl)

264 I dropped an F bomb while MC'ing a talent show at West Point in front of a thousand parents and some brass. Thankfully, the parents laughed and the major didn't jumped my shit too bad. He said, "No more ad-libbing.
Posted by: Cadet Meatball at August 11, 2019 04:02 PM (hr3rA)


We can't have our soldiers cursing like sailors.

Posted by: BourbonChicken at August 11, 2019 04:06 PM (LxTcq)

265
Comedienne Rita Rudner used to do a bit about thinking about having a child/getting pregnant. She asked her husband if he would be in the room with her when she gave birth.

Yes, if it's a very big room, he replied. And with a bar on the other end.

Posted by: publius, Rascally Rapscallion of a Poperin Pear at August 11, 2019 04:06 PM (NMAzL)

266 The war adage it takes a man's weight in ammunition to kill him isn't far from that in civilian deaths. There has to be a lot of spray and pray in city murders.

Posted by: Skip at August 11, 2019 04:07 PM (BbGew)

267 Oh now I remember most embarassing thing I said! Sang actually. I was in a friend's garage, and spontaneously began singing "Frigging in the Rigging," (an obscure Eric Idle song.)

There were consequences.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 03:55 PM (mk9aG)

Obscure? The Sex Pistols recorded it and included it in their film "The Great Rock and Roll Swindle"!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4-vP2aC3Yo

Posted by: cool breeze at August 11, 2019 04:07 PM (UGKMd)

268 The most embarrassing thing I ever said would become SECOND-MOST if I posted it here...
So.. NO!

Posted by: pettyfog at August 11, 2019 04:08 PM (4u5rn)

269
Color me devastated. Miley Cyrus is splitting up from pretty boy Liam Hemsworth. I'm shocked, shocked, I tell you.

Sources say he was getting sick of her licking his face.

Posted by: publius, Rascally Rapscallion of a Poperin Pear at August 11, 2019 04:08 PM (NMAzL)

270 I was in the checkout line at Safeway and a person had food stamps in front of me. It was taking forever for the cashier to catalog her items when I suddenly heard, "This is fucking bullshit". I realized it was me that said it and just walked out of the store utterly mortified.

Posted by: davo at August 11, 2019 04:09 PM (sMLEE)

271
g'afternoon, 'rons

Posted by: AltonJackson
Save the Date!!!
the MiMoMe & Emporium is 21SEP19
Chelsea, MI
at August 11, 2019 04:10 PM (KCxzN)

272 "The Sex Pistols recorded it and included it in their film "The Great Rock and Roll Swindle"" I did not know that! I'm not knocking the Sex Pistols when I say: I bet I can sing it better.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:10 PM (mk9aG)

273 My youngest brother was not all that bright, and sometime in the 90's my dad was retelling a funny story from his youth about his friend Tom Regan -- whom he has always referred to just as "Regan."

The story involves a golf ball hit into a tree into which Regan climbs in an attempt to retrieve it, precipitating an owl defending its nest to attack Regan. Regan manages to fight off the owl and retrieve his golf ball before falling several feet out of the tree. Lying on the ground, the owl continues to attack him and he has no choice but to kill it with his bare hands (Regan was a huge fellow with monstrous forearms and hands).

Anyway, at the end of the story, after we've all had a good laugh, my youngest brother exclaims excitedly and dead seriously: "No WONDER he was elected President!"

I literally fell out of the chair and we all had even more belly laughs ... with my brother looking at us very confused and saying "What? What did I say that was so funny?"

Posted by: ShainS -- find me at 88 Shades of Spades HQ at August 11, 2019 04:10 PM (WqPYg)

274 Probably makes a helluva marriage counselor, though.

Posted by: RickZ at August 11, 2019 04:05 PM (Y8PSl)

.....

I've no desire to ever relive that moment again, although now at Sunday School I've become the source for what the rest of the non-church going world thinks.

If I've been called out for "expert witness" once, I've been called out 50 times to explain what drunks, druggies and atheists think.

I think this is why bartenders aren't frequent Sunday School attendees as a general rule.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger at August 11, 2019 04:11 PM (OrcEf)

275 Hey everybody.

Okay, most embarrassing thing I said out loud. Geez, there's SO MANY of them.

I'll go ahead and share something embarrassing now: these are my most recent album purchases online.

Neil Sedaka - Definitive Collection
Neil Sedaka - Platinum & Gold Collection
Metallica - Kill The Mall
Metallica - Ride The Lightning
Metallica - Master Of Puppets
Captain & Tenille - Ultimate Collection
Beatles - Abbey Road 50th anniversary edition

Posted by: qdpsteve at August 11, 2019 04:11 PM (L2ZTs)

276 Comedienne Rita Rudner used to do a bit about thinking about having a child/getting pregnant. She asked her husband if he would be in the room with her when she gave birth.

..


My wife asked if I'd be in the same room with her when she got preg.

Posted by: Bill kristol at August 11, 2019 04:11 PM (MAstk)

277
In middle school I learned a new word. I knew it was an insult but had
no idea what it meant. Fast forward a few days and mom was driving my
sister and me somewhere. Me in the backseat and sister who was in high
school in the front seat. We were arguing back and forth about
something. No idea what.



I come out and yell, "Yeah, well you're a whore!"



That was a show stopper. I still giggle about it to this day.


Posted by: Trog04 at August 11, 2019 04:01 PM (oecje)

I pretty much had the same experience, although I called my brother a bastard.

Mom was not happy.

Posted by: Vendette at August 11, 2019 04:11 PM (OgGoW)

278 I don't even recall what I had said but my first leave after AIT I came home and spoke like I was still on base to my Mother. She did not even blink but my little brother took me aside later and told me to knock it off.

Posted by: Big V at August 11, 2019 04:13 PM (xV6Pj)

279 Rita Rudner is a funny gal. She's stuck in the 80s but IMHO that's a good thing.

I remember she had a joke, the best thing to be is asleep. "You get to be alive, but unconscious!"

Posted by: qdpsteve at August 11, 2019 04:13 PM (L2ZTs)

280 "my most recent album purchases online." Gee, I'd be embarrassed too if I paid money for music. *Cringe*

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:13 PM (mk9aG)

281
there must be something in the water: The Gunfighter popped up on my radar again a couple of days ago

Posted by: AltonJackson
Save the Date!!!
the MiMoMe & Emporium is 21SEP19
at the cursed ancient Ind at August 11, 2019 04:13 PM (KCxzN)

282 I saw a signboard outside a church today that said:

"A wise man once said nothing"

Posted by: No One of Consequence at August 11, 2019 04:14 PM (Zbbka)

283 gp, I want CDs so the online monsters can't take my music away whenever they feel like it.

Posted by: qdpsteve at August 11, 2019 04:14 PM (L2ZTs)

284 Posted by: Bitter Clinger at August 11, 2019 04:11 PM (OrcE

It's good that you're there to do "translation" for them.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 04:14 PM (+0VWg)

285 "I come out and yell, "Yeah, well you're a whore!"" Drew Barrymore in ET: "Penis-breath!" That was funny.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:14 PM (mk9aG)

286
Me, to woman in elevator: "You're grandson is adorable"

Woman (with dirty look): "I'm his mother."

And it was a very slow elevator.

Posted by: girldog at August 11, 2019 04:15 PM (SJiiM)

287 Big WAPO article on Epstein death names names... like Trump, who the latest accuser's testimony specifically says was never involved in sex.

But does NOT mention big time Dems Richardson or Mitchell... whom she specifically says SHE SERVICED!!

WOW, Bezos! They obviously don't need to pay you - so you must just be protecting these pedophiles out of loyalty. You run some kinda classy outfit there at The Washington Procurer-Democrat!

Posted by: Ray Van Dune at August 11, 2019 04:15 PM (ySYar)

288 Mine are too numerous to list, go figure. The one that sticks in my head was at a family barbecue. I'm more of a burger dude, not much for hot dogs. My aunt was at the barbecue and asks what I want to eat. She opens the grill and asks "do you want a hot dog" and all I see are a few hot dogs that were probably there since the war, all black, burnt, and shriveled looking and I blurt out "Oh hell no, they look like mummy dick".

Posted by: Berserker-Dragonheads Division at August 11, 2019 04:16 PM (9Om/r)

289 I don't even recall what I had said but my first leave after AIT I came home and spoke like I was still on base to my Mother. She did not even blink but my little brother took me aside later and told me to knock it off.

Posted by: Big V at August 11, 2019 04:13 PM


I did a similar thing when I was in "A" school. I was dropping profanities with even realizing it. My Mom exclaimed, "Your vocabulary is terrible! You're cussing like a sailor!"


My (retired Senior Chief) Dad was also on the line, and calmly interjected.

"Honey, he *is* a sailor."

Posted by: Bert G at August 11, 2019 04:17 PM (OMsf+)

290 Yesterday my brother-in-law told me a story about my late sister that I didn't know. When she was a kid, she was crazy about Paul Revere and the Raiders, particularly Mark Lindsay. So some years ago they went to an oldies concert ( and said Lindsay did a very good job) and afterwards you could buy CDs and get autographs. She was such a fan they waited until almost no one was left and approached Lindsay and his wife. The wife said that they had two CDs and Mark liked one better but she liked the other one better and the only reason Mark didn't like that one was picture on the cover. Mark overheard, grabbed a CD and asked my sister, "Now, did my hair ever look like that?" My sister didn't know what to say and became that 14 year old teenybopper again. It must've been alright because they got a picture of him with his arm around her.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 11, 2019 04:18 PM (+y/Ru)

291 I'm not knocking the Sex Pistols when I say: I bet I can sing it better.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:10 PM (mk9aG)


Well, yeah, now...

Posted by: Zombie Sid Vicious at August 11, 2019 04:18 PM (UGKMd)

292 "I want CDs so the online monsters can't take my music away whenever they feel like it." Try ripping it from the public library CDs, since you already paid for them thru taxes. Anything not to put money in the pocket of that Metallica guy, who will just spend it on very bad art. Some Kind of Monster is an excellent documentary, BTW.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:19 PM (mk9aG)

293 That is the most horribly disgusting thing I have ever seen. You Fuck.

I forgive you.

Posted by: Fritz at August 11, 2019 04:20 PM (kLDv+)

294 gp, have you seen what's at the library?

Yes some have good collections, but the best stuff has always already been stolen (or, borrowed and never returned). Extremely hit or miss.

And yes when you buy Metallica you're giving money to Lars, but you're also giving it to James. So IMHO it all evens out.

Posted by: qdpsteve at August 11, 2019 04:20 PM (L2ZTs)

295 I got thrown out of Rodney Dangerfield's dressing room after a show for saying "Nice legs!' as he was talking to us in his robe and sock gartters. He had no sense of humor at all.

Posted by: pawn at August 11, 2019 04:21 PM (PveK5)

296 Beatles - Abbey Road 50th anniversary edition

-
The 5th Beatle.

https://bit.ly/33p8OW4

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 11, 2019 04:22 PM (+y/Ru)

297 Shit the list is long and glorious

Posted by: Nevergiveup at August 11, 2019 04:22 PM (85Gof)

298 Rita Rudner reminds me of another great line of hers about delivering. She said, "A friend of mine was in labor for 14 hours. I don't like to do anything that feels GOOD for 14 hours."

We've riffed on that for years around our house.

Posted by: Art Rondelet of Malmsey at August 11, 2019 04:22 PM (S+f+m)

299 "gp, have you seen what's at the library?" Oh yes. I go at least once a week. If they don't have it, they will get it for you with interlibrary loan. It's free in the sense that you already paid for it; so use it.

(I LOVE libraries, but I HATE progressive librarians. I despise those Commie f*ckers. That could be a whole thread.)

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:24 PM (mk9aG)

300 The CEO of a company i had just started working for, had a hot as fuck wife. I didnt know who she was at the Xmas party. I said something to the effect of thats a hot as fuck woman in earshot of him. I was then told who she was and I Slinked away. No harm no foul though the ceo was a cool dude. But in that instant I was ready crawl into the ground and never come up again.

Posted by: Lurking Lurker at August 11, 2019 04:24 PM (JfwN7)

301 If I've been called out for "expert witness" once, I've been called out 50 times to explain what drunks, druggies and atheists think.

-
The correct response is, "Think?"

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 11, 2019 04:24 PM (+y/Ru)

302 Wealthy sister of an acquaintance was showing us all the new renovations on her expensive home.

I looked down at the truly ugly floor tile and said, "bet you can't wait to replace that".

You can guess.

Posted by: girldog at August 11, 2019 04:24 PM (SJiiM)

303 Many years ago, before sexual harassment had corporate policies, I had a production manager exclaim out loud after a pretty employee passed by ...

"Wouldn't you like to get into that ?"

Posted by: SMOD at August 11, 2019 04:25 PM (e8kgV)

304 Most embarrassing moment:

I was in a grocery store in Kuwait, and saw who I thought was a friend from work who called himself the UBD. (Def below)

I went up behind him and put my arms around him and asked, "How is the Ultimate Body of Desire?"

Needless to say, he wasn't my friend, but he was quite amused, and asked me out.

I was too mortified to say another word, and I left, without getting my groceries.

Posted by: Moki at August 11, 2019 04:26 PM (mFoNl)

305 gp, that's cool. I'm just different. :-)

And I'm not buying nuttin' from folks who I know hate me, at least. I also have coming a Bette Midler compilation, but I made sure to buy a used copy. I won't send her any more money of mine, ever.

Posted by: qdpsteve at August 11, 2019 04:26 PM (L2ZTs)

306
Another funny one Rita Rudner did in the same bit was about her money pressuring her to have children, and hinting all the time.

He mother asked, "When am I going to be a grandmother?"

When you do something grand, Rita replied.

Posted by: publius, Rascally Rapscallion of a Poperin Pear at August 11, 2019 04:28 PM (NMAzL)

307 Had quite a few chuckles on this thread

Posted by: Skip at August 11, 2019 04:30 PM (BbGew)

308 "I'm just different. :-) " My difference is, I don't have favorite music I listen to over and over. For the last several years I have listened ONLY to things I've never heard before. My rips are for playing in the car, not because I'm collecting music. At home, I play stuff that YouTube and Spotify suggest.

But never the same track twice, ever again. It's liberating, it's fresh, it's good. My ex-gf loved to retreat into her little world where she played the same 100 songs over and over, seeking to recall the feelings she had sometime before. I want to have new feelings, not to relive the past.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:31 PM (mk9aG)

309 I saluted a rather senior officer inside a large hanger after exiting the staff car I was driving, without headdress. Big oppsie. He smiled at the young foolish grunt I was.

Posted by: NZFrank with a M2 at August 11, 2019 04:31 PM (bgJ0E)

310
It's looks like they're going to blame the Epstein thing on the guards. They were tired and overworked and fell asleep or something.

There were no cameras trained on the cell. So absolutely no footage or recording of the moment it happened. How convenient.

Posted by: publius, Rascally Rapscallion of a Poperin Pear at August 11, 2019 04:31 PM (NMAzL)

311 I'm Wickedpinto.

This is sorta my thing.

Posted by: Wickedpinto at August 11, 2019 04:33 PM (PB7b9)

312 During my college days I did an internship at the state House of Representatives, working for one of our local legislators. One day, some guys from the Teamsters union come in the front office for an appointment with said legislator; me and the other staffer go into his private office to let him know they're there and pick up a few things. I glance at the card they had handed the other staffer and say, not loudly but at average conversational volume, "Hey, aren't those the guys who buried Jimmy Hoffa?"

The door to the front office was still open.

Posted by: Dr. T at August 11, 2019 04:33 PM (2PXwn)

313 While watching CNN at a full flight Southwest gate, I said, "Oh Suck My Cock!!" to the TV, pretty loud. I would have shrunk to zero if it was possible. Had to board and ride an hour and a half with those people and still got sideways glances and lookaways while de-boarding.

Posted by: monkey at August 11, 2019 04:34 PM (FTPVM)

314 303
Many years ago, before sexual harassment had corporate policies, I had a
production manager exclaim out loud after a pretty employee passed by
...



"Wouldn't you like to get into that ?"

Posted by: SMOD at August 11, 2019 04:25 PM (e8kgV)

Similar, just as young female recruits were making their way through the training pipeline. Me, in Engine Room Lower Level (aft), my buddy, four bays forward in Engine Room Forward, an exhaust fan and ducting between us, the suction at my end.
Me, yelling, with the suction up to my nuts): Hey X! How's my nuts smell? Just as a young female recruit steps down the ladder between us.

Posted by: flounder, rebel, vulgarian, deplorable, winner at August 11, 2019 04:34 PM (t6MX/)

315 Posted by: Dr. T at August 11, 2019 04:33 PM (2PXwn)


At least you didn't ask them that directly.

Posted by: Vendette at August 11, 2019 04:35 PM (OgGoW)

316 Posted by: Bitter Clinger at August 11, 2019 04:11 PM (OrcE

Here are some signs you can suggest to you pastor.They are from an actual booklet called "Signs of faith" about signs from Lancaster, PA.

"A word of love can make a world of difference."

"Kindness is the hardest thing to give away. It always comes back."

"Better to rise to the occasion than hit the ceiling."

Don't think anybody can misinterpret those.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 04:36 PM (+0VWg)

317 "There were no cameras trained on the cell. So absolutely no footage or recording of the moment it happened. How convenient."

Even the "normies" know this stinks. Nobody can dismiss suspicions as "conspiracy theories" on this blatant fiasco. It clearly shows lethal corruption afoot in our government. MCC is the prison used by the f'n US Marshals for cripes sake!

I don't know who killed the guy. It could be ANY powerful entity, and I'm not ruling out ANYBODY, except me.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:36 PM (mk9aG)

318 I don't know who killed the guy. It could be ANY powerful entity, and I'm not ruling out ANYBODY, except me.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:36 PM (mk9aG)

I have an alibi.

Posted by: flounder, rebel, vulgarian, deplorable, winner at August 11, 2019 04:38 PM (t6MX/)

319 "I said, "Oh Suck My Cock!!" to the TV, pretty loud. I would have shrunk to zero" The precise level of embarrassment depends somewhat on whether you are a man or a woman.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:38 PM (mk9aG)

320 Honestly I can not really remember a terribly embarrassing incident Saying something. And now a days I saw some things in the Navy that might be over the line if others said it, but since I am old and harmless I get away with it. Lol

Posted by: Nevergiveup at August 11, 2019 04:38 PM (85Gof)

321 reminiscent of the "twilight zone" episode writer conjures up a mistress by describing her in his tape recorder. his wife threatens to leave him, doesn't believe his powers, even when he destroys the mistress by throwing the recording tape in the fire, and stops her by conjuring an elephant. finally, he gives up trying to win her over and burns the bit of tape that created the wife. rod serling's ending moralizing narration ends the episode, but the writer doesn't like that either and throws the rod serling bit of tape into the fire disappearing our host, as well.

one of my favs.

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at August 11, 2019 04:39 PM (Pg+x7)

322 I killed Epstein!! I jumped down his throat and took a big greasy shit.

Posted by: monkey at August 11, 2019 04:39 PM (FTPVM)

323 Seems lots of its President Trump who had Epstein bumped off out there, mostly my thinking is Leftists projecting Clinton's crimes.

Posted by: Skip at August 11, 2019 04:40 PM (BbGew)

324 So at Christmas one year I was talking to "Aunt" Joan. One part of my family is kind of profligate about who it calls aunt, this is not a blood relative.

Anyway, Aunt Joan asks if I'll ever get married again and I said, "yes, if Lynn would have me, but second marriages don't count".

Of course, Aunt Joan was someone's second wife and she's his mourning widow. I'm that good.

Posted by: Bandersnatch at August 11, 2019 04:40 PM (fuK7c)

325 "I have an alibi." OK, flounder's out. At the crazier sites, there are four main suspects. I will list them ONLY if you promise not to MOB me for it.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:41 PM (mk9aG)

326 US fencer takes knee at Pan Am Games in protest

Fuck him. And this shit is like a virus

Posted by: Nevergiveup at August 11, 2019 04:42 PM (85Gof)

327 325
"I have an alibi." OK, flounder's out. At the crazier sites, there are
four main suspects. I will list them ONLY if you promise not to MOB me
for it.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:41 PM (mk9aG)

We'll MOB you in spite of it. Fire away.

Posted by: flounder, rebel, vulgarian, deplorable, winner at August 11, 2019 04:42 PM (t6MX/)

328 I am horrible with not being able to recall names. One time I was trying to be subtle and asked the person I knew and was chatting with "how do you spell your name?" And it was something like "J o h n Smith"

Posted by: PaleRider is simply irredeemable at August 11, 2019 04:42 PM (vrfMC)

329 ... called "a world of his own', it starred keenan wynn as the writer.

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at August 11, 2019 04:43 PM (Pg+x7)

330 "We'll MOB you in spite of it. Fire away." Arrrggh, this thread is too nice. I won't do it.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:43 PM (mk9aG)

331

"I do"

Posted by: My Pimp Shot My Dealer at August 11, 2019 04:44 PM (fmMGp)

332 Now we'll mob you for teasing us.

Posted by: flounder, rebel, vulgarian, deplorable, winner at August 11, 2019 04:44 PM (t6MX/)

333 I once jokingly told the story of being taken to see The Exorcist by my older cousin when I was 11. The ticket seller almost didn't admit me because I was too young and my parents weren't there but my cousin "Barbara said HER PARENTS ARE DEAD I'M HER GUARDIAN" and the guy was so intimidated he let me in. Ha ha! I said this in front of my brother-in-law whose mom died of cancer when he was 12 and then at age 13 he found his dad's body, dead from a massive heart attack. A room full of people and everybody froze. I didn't even realize at first what I said, then I was like, oh geez, that was insensitive.

Posted by: JuJuBee at August 11, 2019 04:44 PM (9taFn)

334 qdp - if you want some/most/maybe all of bette Midler's LPs, email.

I have a pile of them in the 'Donate' box.

Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 04:44 PM (NE8ji)

335 OT..and maybe not, as this is the embarrassing statement thread: Anyone else catch the DQ little girl ad and get a pedo vibe from the ad?

Posted by: blake - used pronoun salesman at August 11, 2019 04:46 PM (WEBkv)

336 In August, the tanning salon was empty. Three hours with no appointments and a "ringer" on the door so I knew when people walked-in.

South Park had just come out and "Cartman's" best line was "I'm not fat! I'm Big-Boned!"

I was practicing the "Cartman Voice" in the back near the office, just to see if I could do it. I must have said it ten times.

I walk to the front to do something-or-other and the Largest Woman that has Ever been in that tanning salon is standing in front of my desk.

...*Instant P.R. Mode*

"Howdy, welcome to Northcoast Tan!"

...face redder than sunburn.

Posted by: Slapweasel, White Enthusiast, Blond at August 11, 2019 04:46 PM (Ckg4U)

337 I once asked a boss where he ordered his wife from.

Posted by: jsg at August 11, 2019 04:46 PM (j75V/)

338 Did I mention that I delivered cream to Brooke Shield's back porch?

Posted by: Regular joe at August 11, 2019 04:46 PM (6/uwW)

339 I payed to see Squeeze with a date.

Posted by: Wickedpinto at August 11, 2019 04:47 PM (PB7b9)

340 337
I once asked a boss where he ordered his wife from.

Posted by: jsg at August 11, 2019 04:46 PM (j75V/)

Coworker once said essentially that about a too young, really hot, Chinese mail order of a client. He did not last.

Posted by: flounder, rebel, vulgarian, deplorable, winner at August 11, 2019 04:49 PM (t6MX/)

341 I congratulated a woman I thought was pregnant.She weren't....
Posted by: steevy
---------

You too?

A pretty embarrassing moment.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at August 11, 2019 04:49 PM (CDGwz)

342 FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 04:36 PM (+0VWg)

.....

That's a good list!

I'll pass them on.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger at August 11, 2019 04:49 PM (OrcEf)

343 FLASH: AT LEAST 40 PEOPLE SHOT, 3 FATALLY SINCE FRIDAY EVENING IN CHICAGO - WLS
Posted by: Deep State is in Deep Shit

"Will the last person to leave Chicago please shoot out the light ?"

Posted by: JT at August 11, 2019 04:50 PM (arJlL)

344 Mike Hammer,

My vow is to never hint at pregnancy until the head is crowning.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at August 11, 2019 04:51 PM (u82oZ)

345 It's a frustrating conundrum: on one hand, we should be celebrating Epstein's murder, but on the other hand, we are very dismayed to have now discovered a malignant force that says: "Now you know we can kill you anywhere, no matter how famous you are, even if you are in the custody of a high-profile prison guarded by both municipal LE and federal officers."

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:51 PM (mk9aG)

346 It's looks like they're going to blame the Epstein thing on the guards. They were tired and overworked and fell asleep or something.

--

And yet somehow they'll all get "meets expectations" on their annual performance reviews. Maybe even a promotion to the FBI.

Posted by: Moron Robbie -Eight Has No Home Here at August 11, 2019 04:52 PM (A8W5E)

347 FLASH: AT LEAST 40 PEOPLE SHOT, 3 FATALLY SINCE FRIDAY EVENING IN CHICAGO - WLS

Posted by: Deep State is in Deep Shit at August 11, 2019 04:00 PM (BqBId)

=======


"Well, they're mostly minorities so not really 'people' if you know what we mean." -- Totally Not-Racist ProgDa Media

Posted by: ShainS -- find me at 88 Shades of Spades HQ at August 11, 2019 04:52 PM (WqPYg)

348 Fencer probably sucked and knew he/she/xe was going to lose anyway

Posted by: Skip at August 11, 2019 04:53 PM (BbGew)

349 Coworker once said essentially that about a too young, really hot, Chinese mail order of a client. He did not last.
Posted by: flounder, rebel, vulgarian, deplorable, winner at August 11, 2019 04:49 PM (t6MX/)

She wasn't hot and he was an asshole.

And I was young and didn't much care.

Posted by: jsg at August 11, 2019 04:53 PM (j75V/)

350 Posted by: Bitter Clinger at August 11, 2019 04:49 PM (OrcEf)

Here's another one "Happiness is an inside job." or
"Try going the second mile. There's no traffic jam there."

P.S. I finally sent the devotional book I promised so long ago. Hopefully you'll get it this week

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2019 04:53 PM (+0VWg)

351 I don't even ask people I haven't seen for a while about the status of their spouse. Too many "We're divorced" when I was younger. Now I'm into "He/she's dead" territory.

Posted by: Art Rondelet of Malmsey at August 11, 2019 04:54 PM (S+f+m)

352 I was at a shooting range for the first time. There was a big aggressive looking man on most of the targets. I referred to him as "tall dark and ugly". The woman behind the counter was the wife of this man. Her hateful stare withered my soul.

Posted by: BourbonChicken at August 11, 2019 04:54 PM (tdm+W)

353 Seems lots of its President Trump who had Epstein bumped off out there, mostly my thinking is Leftists projecting Clinton's crimes.
Posted by: Skip
------

Right. Well they are certain that Trump colluded with the Russians too, while completely ignoring Bill & Hill's known dealings with them, money changing hands, etc.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at August 11, 2019 04:54 PM (CDGwz)

354 The hawks are out back screaming to each other
Which reminds me, did CBD fall asleep?

Posted by: Skip at August 11, 2019 04:54 PM (BbGew)

355 "And yet somehow they'll all get "meets expectations" on their annual performance reviews. Maybe even a promotion to the FBI."

I'm like, let's waterboard everybody at the prison until one of em tells us what really happened. That's more likely to work than whatever else we are going to actually do.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:55 PM (mk9aG)

356 Fencer saw an easy way to gain notoriety.

Should be tossed from the US Team, immediately.

Posted by: garrett at August 11, 2019 04:55 PM (NE8ji)

357 Right. Well they are certain that Trump colluded with the Russians too, while completely ignoring Bill Hill's known dealings with them, money changing hands, etc.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at August 11, 2019 04:54 PM (CDGwz)

Who has a body count a mile long, and who doesn't?

Posted by: flounder, rebel, vulgarian, deplorable, winner at August 11, 2019 04:56 PM (t6MX/)

358 Oh, and his name was Seth Rich.

Posted by: flounder, rebel, vulgarian, deplorable, winner at August 11, 2019 04:56 PM (t6MX/)

359 Voting for the bitch leads to 70mm technicolor projection.

Posted by: BourbonChicken at August 11, 2019 04:57 PM (tdm+W)

360 "Oh, and his name was Seth Rich." Heck, they probably killed Breitbart too.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 04:58 PM (mk9aG)

361 Called one of my best friends, who is height challenged, Mini-Me.

To a newspaper reporter.

And told him to print it.

He did.

My buddy was bigger than me and accepted my apology.

I'm embarrassed to this day.

Posted by: golfman at August 11, 2019 04:58 PM (OE84+)

362 "57 states"...no, wait..."corpsemen".

Posted by: Barky at August 11, 2019 04:58 PM (CDGwz)

363 Heard a few places "Trump body count"
Name 1 I would ask

Posted by: Skip at August 11, 2019 04:58 PM (BbGew)

364 Walking up to the preacher and his friends one cold morning, preacher's wife stated, "it's cold enough to freeze your third leg. " lol

Posted by: nancy edwards at August 11, 2019 04:59 PM (3fJdM)

365 I try to repress such moments, and am fairly successful.

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at August 11, 2019 04:59 PM (NMAzL)

366 Gosh, it's hard to pick just one[/] embarrassing moment.

Posted by: Joe Biden at August 11, 2019 05:00 PM (CDGwz)

367 Gosh, it's hard to pick just one[/] embarrassing moment.

--

messing up the closing tags in that comment was a great touch.

Posted by: Moron Robbie -Eight Has No Home Here at August 11, 2019 05:01 PM (A8W5E)

368 I got it!

"Stand up Chuck, let 'em see you."

Posted by: Joe Biden at August 11, 2019 05:02 PM (CDGwz)

369 22 My mother in law, now passed, was a God-fearing baptist, a sunday school teacher, a devout, cultured, and honorable woman to the core. Which is why the things she said were so hilarious.

second best that I recall:

One time at a funeral, by herself for a bit because her husband, Buddy, was a pall bearer was occupied with those duties, she was talking to the mourners, and was asked "well where's Buddy?" and she immediately replied "Oh he's a wheelbarrow".
Posted by: Tom Servo at August 11, 2019 02:26 PM (V2Yro)

Now I love her.

Posted by: m at August 11, 2019 05:02 PM (PKJKn)

370 Did just think of one now we're about to be willowed
Was standing next to co-worker talking to client, the nice looking woman decided to scratch her neck, co-worker asks her if she has bugs. I cringed and walked away quickly.

Posted by: Skip at August 11, 2019 05:03 PM (BbGew)

371 Also, it doesn't get much more honkey privileged than fencing.

Posted by: Moron Robbie -Eight Has No Home Here at August 11, 2019 05:03 PM (A8W5E)

372 messing up the closing tags in that comment was a great touch.
Posted by: Moron Robbie
----------

It takes years of practice, and many trips to the barrel to pull it off.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at August 11, 2019 05:03 PM (CDGwz)

373 This short film (below the fold) appeared in my YouTube feed for some reason. It's pretty well done, although I would quibble about it being "Best Short Film Ever."

I made it through almost 3 minutes before I had to stop it.

Crap. I hate camp - the lowest form of humor there is.

Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at August 11, 2019 05:05 PM (nmtEZ)

374 I try to repress such moments, and am fairly successful.
Posted by: Miley
-------

Yeah, after years of trying to forget the worst, I'm not gonna relive it again here.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at August 11, 2019 05:05 PM (CDGwz)

375
It's looks like they're going to blame the Epstein thing on the guards. They were tired and overworked and fell asleep or something.

Lack of funding due to Trump tax cuts.

Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at August 11, 2019 05:05 PM (aKsyK)

376 "being taken to see The Exorcist by my older cousin"

My mom was a fan of Raymond Carver, so I took her to see "Short Cuts" when it opened. I don't know which was most embarassing: Was it when Tom Berenger whipped out his dick and peed on a dead body? Was it when Julianne Moore stuck her tw*t right in front of the camera lens? Was it when the jerk cop extorted sex from female drivers?

It is a horrible, horrible movie. Not just the explicit stuff, but its general view of humanity is as depraved as that of Cannibal Holocaust. I was ashamed.

Posted by: gp at August 11, 2019 05:06 PM (mk9aG)

377 our friend was walking with a coworker when they were leaving the office. our friend saw a very attractive woman with a very attractive figure walking ahead of them. our friend nudged his coworker and said "look at the ass on that girl." the very instant he finished the statement the woman turned so they could see her face, it was the wife of his coworker.

Posted by: yankeefifth at August 11, 2019 05:06 PM (HALdu)

378 Two of Epstein's long time lawyers have hired criminal defense lawyers of their own.

https://tinyurl.com/yyygqcyw

"In a sign that the attorneys are bracing for government scrutiny of Mr. Epstein's companies, Mr. Indyke and Mr. Schantz both recently hired criminal defense lawyers."

Posted by: JackStraw at August 11, 2019 05:06 PM (ZLI7S)

379 I love that you had to explain the double entendre of the church sign!

I'm a sports mom, and my son had stopped playing his sport in college, and we were out to lunch with my husband, two friends from college and his girlfriend. I thought I could tell them the story of this guy who walked on to the basketball team and became central to their success. I had thought a lot about sharing the story, hoping that my son would be inspired and try out for the team. So that probably made me a little hyped, and I'm already an energetic person. The player's name was Michael Hart, which I can never remember, and then there it was ... the perfect moment to bring up the thing I hoped would lead to a new path for my son ... I excitedly blurted out in an LA sushi restaurant for all to hear ...

"Have I ever told you the story of Mike Hunt?"

Turned five shades of red. And I'm not even Caucasian.

Posted by: Roxanne at August 11, 2019 05:09 PM (lbumz)

380 I'm going to the Philly ComiCon at the end of August, anyone been to it?

How does it compare to San Diego?

Posted by: Radical Centrist at August 11, 2019 05:09 PM (8f5Gs)

381 >>>T. died of a GSW.
GSW = gunshot wound
I did not know that.

Posted by: m at August 11, 2019 05:09 PM (PKJKn)

382 Y5, I had one like that and the guy rightly took it as a compliment.

It was a HS reunion. I was talking to a guy who'd been a stud back then, to be honest he'd been a stud since 5th grade.

So a girl walks by with an absolutely smoking body and a dress that looks like it's been wrapped on her like a Christmas present, and I said "wow, did we go to school with THAT?".

And Stan says, "no, that's my wife". Yeah, he was feeling it.

Posted by: Bandersnatch at August 11, 2019 05:10 PM (fuK7c)

383 I'm going to the Philly ComiCon at the end of August, anyone been to it?

How does it compare to San Diego?

Posted by: Radical Centrist at August 11, 2019 05:09 PM (8f5Gs)


In Philly, the audience throws batteries at Tinkerbell.

Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at August 11, 2019 05:11 PM (nmtEZ)

384 "In a sign that the attorneys are bracing for government scrutiny of Mr. Epstein's companies, Mr. Indyke and Mr. Schantz both recently hired criminal defense lawyers."
Posted by: JackStraw
---------

A sign of how rotten things are, the lawyers are hiring lawyers. The investigators are being investigated. The law-keepers are law breakers.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at August 11, 2019 05:11 PM (xSo9G)

385 >> Mr. Indyke

Please let his first name be Richard. Dick Indyke.

Posted by: publius, Rascally Rapscallion of a Poperin Pear at August 11, 2019 05:12 PM (f1Vqw)

386 It was a HS reunion. I was talking to a guy who'd been a stud back then, to be honest he'd been a stud since 5th grade.

So a girl walks by with an absolutely smoking body and a dress that looks like it's been wrapped on her like a Christmas present, and I said "wow, did we go to school with THAT?".

And Stan says, "no, that's my wife". Yeah, he was feeling it.
Posted by: Bandersnatch at A




lol, we have the same friend! my friend, neighbor was the man from elementary school through hs. even in junior high everyone of us was wondering if he lost his virginity in fifth or sixth grade.

Posted by: yankeefifth at August 11, 2019 05:13 PM (HALdu)

387
Off hand, I can't think, of anything, I said out loud.

Posted by: Joe Biden at August 11, 2019 05:13 PM (t6XCL)

388 Here is a wild theory about Epstein: The FNM wing of the Ds were talking about how Epstein and DJT were friends (more like civil to each other enemies who moved in the same circles IMO) and some ambitious but naive underling gets Epstein arrested. Now there are high level D pols and probably more importantly very rich D donors and or celebrity mouthpieces who were actual pedo island clients/visitors and who are demanding that this situation somehow go away.

Could very well be that another ambitious DS underling, who was crooked rather than naive decided to make that happen and now the top people are screaming "NOT like this you fools, now even more people are curious about who visited that island and what kind of evil went on there."

Posted by: PaleRider is simply irredeemable at August 11, 2019 05:14 PM (vrfMC)

389 I'm going to the Philly ComiCon at the end of August, anyone been to it?


I take it you mean Wizard World. I used to go often with my boys. It's become to big for us now, and it's just a pop culture event it's not about comics.

It'll be all Avengers movies or whatever is this year's big product. We used to go to artists alley and talk to comic book artists about their work. There were breakout sessions where Jim Lee would critique people's drawings.

It was quaint.

It got huge. Last time we tried was about five years ago and we couldn't get into the Firefly session because we weren't among the first 3,000 in line.

I've never been to the San Diego comic con but I think Philly is trending in that direction.

Posted by: Bandersnatch at August 11, 2019 05:14 PM (fuK7c)

390 3 hour long time

I have much hunger...

Posted by: Tonto at August 11, 2019 05:16 PM (0FosY)

391 DS underling, who was crooked rather than naive decided to make that happen and now the top people are screaming "NOT like this you fools, now even more people are curious about who visited that island and what kind of evil went on there."
Posted by: PaleRider is simply irredeemable at A



is donald sutherland even a democrat, why would he be involved with this in any way?

Posted by: yankeefifth at August 11, 2019 05:16 PM (HALdu)

392 Seen it ( Philly ComiCon )on the local news, looks like fun, is it at the Pennsylvania Convention center?

Posted by: Skip at August 11, 2019 05:16 PM (BbGew)

393 nice thing about going to comic con in philly is that waiting to get in is like being an extra in a live action judge dred

Posted by: yankeefifth at August 11, 2019 05:18 PM (HALdu)

394 FOOD NOOD

Posted by: Skip at August 11, 2019 05:20 PM (BbGew)

395 9/10 of the cosplay people who show up at Comic Cons can not pull off the Harley Quinn outfit, but the couple who can are Wow!

Posted by: Bandersnatch at August 11, 2019 05:20 PM (fuK7c)

396 @389
Thanks for the intel.

The only Con I have been to is the NY Con, which was pretty lame.

I hope to go to San Diego Con one day.

Posted by: Radical Centrist at August 11, 2019 05:21 PM (8f5Gs)

397 @392

Yep, convention center.

Posted by: Radical Centrist at August 11, 2019 05:22 PM (8f5Gs)

398 The only Con I have been to is the NY Con, which was pretty lame.


One of the NY Cons is called Big Apple Comicon and it's not part of the other ComicCon universe. It's quite lame.

Posted by: Bandersnatch at August 11, 2019 05:24 PM (fuK7c)

399 garrett: thanks but I'm good. All I want of hers is Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, and The Rose.

Posted by: qdpsteve at August 11, 2019 05:26 PM (L2ZTs)

400 It'd be hilarious if Jeffrey Epstein's will left a billion dollars to the Girl Scouts.

Posted by: Mr. Peebles at August 11, 2019 05:28 PM (oVJmc)

401 @398
Then that's the one I probably went to, it was terrible.

Posted by: Radical Centrist at August 11, 2019 05:32 PM (8f5Gs)

402 I was once in a very crowded bar as a fifth wheel. When my two buddies headed for drinks, the ladies went to powder their noses. The guys came back and one yelled over the band, "Where are the girls?"

"In the bathroom," I said.

"What?"

"IN THE BATHROOM!"

"WHAT?"

I drew in a breath and began to again scream "IN THE" - just as the band abruptly ended the song and I finished - "FUCKING BATHROOM!" in dead silence.

Everyone in the bar turned to look at me and from the stage the lead singer pointed and said, "Down that hall, buddy."

Posted by: The Hoser at August 11, 2019 05:33 PM (v3UCk)

403 I went to high school with twin girls. Had a couple classes with one of them but never saw them together. It was funny, this same girl seemed to be everywhere in my high school. One time we went on a class trip and the girls went at the same time and sat together. I looked at the one, I looked at the other, and then said "Oh my God, you're twins!" Loooooong, awkward silence. I moved to the back of the bus.

Posted by: joncelli the prophet, now accepting donations at August 11, 2019 05:59 PM (1FhAQ)

404 Oh dear. I only heard about this one, didn't witness it.

When I first started working on the postpartum unit of a fairly prestigious hospital, I saw that, predictably, all the staff were female. Some related to me how it ended up that way, not because they don't like men, but because men tend to feel awkward assigned here and the patients often do as well. (Not always, but often enough.)

So not long before I got there a young man was on staff and assigned a patient as she was on her way over from L & D, having just delivered a robust baby boy via C-section. As such, he had to clean her perineum and explain to her how to do it as well, once she was ambulatory.

Feeling extremely awkward, and sensing his patient felt the same, he rapidly completed the procedure and, struggling for something meaningful to say, burst out with, "There we go! I bet you never had anything like that before!"

He was an 18-year-old kid new on the job, but the patient reported him and aggressively pursued punishment. The charge nurse spoke to her, apologizing profusely and also added that it really was just sheer awkwardness; the kid didn't know what to say and had no experience in doing this job. Hd knew she was uncomfortable and was just trying to do his just and put her at ease at the same time. Could she find it within her to just forgive him? The charge nurse reassured her she would never have to see this particular corpsman again. The patient refused.

I don't know what ever happened to the kid but I sincerely hope someone along the line made a wise choice re: this case. He would have stood a better chance then than now, given that this idiotic response occurred in the 90s.

Posted by: LIsl at August 11, 2019 06:05 PM (Ov5e7)

405 Fuuuu........

Posted by: Ralphie at August 11, 2019 06:08 PM (IpZ/y)

406 391 DS underling, who was crooked rather than naive decided to make that happen and now the top people are screaming "NOT like this you fools, now even more people are curious about who visited that island and what kind of evil went on there."
Posted by: PaleRider is simply irredeemable at A
----------------------------------------

is donald sutherland even a democrat, why would he be involved with this in any way?

Posted by: yankeefifth at August 11, 2019 05:16 PM (HALdu)
------------------------


Hollywood is not strange enough.

Posted by: Braenyard at August 11, 2019 06:09 PM (Hg4NE)

407 What happened to the food thread?

Posted by: Bert G at August 11, 2019 06:15 PM (OMsf+)

408 I hate when food gets yanked away from me like a dog.

Posted by: dartist at August 11, 2019 06:15 PM (K22Va)

409 He would have stood a better chance then than now, given that this idiotic response occurred in the 90s.
Posted by: LIsl at August 11, 2019 06:05 PM (Ov5e7)

Damn, a pretty viscous response given the comment was not that out of the way. Fumble footed, sure.

Posted by: Aetius451AD at August 11, 2019 06:17 PM (ycWCI)

410 It is not like he said:

'I must say, you have a lovely DMZ. What are you doing this weekend?' *wink*

Posted by: Aetius451AD at August 11, 2019 06:21 PM (ycWCI)

411 "191 There's a French phrase for that...

Fahrvergnugen"



Bwhahahahaha

Posted by: mediapostate at August 11, 2019 06:23 PM (oz1zE)

412 There was the time I saw the woman wearing a Guess! sweatshirt. I had seen a joke, and blurted it out without thinking. "240?" She was not pleased, to say the least.

Posted by: Buford Gooch at August 11, 2019 06:27 PM (bOtTO)

413 'That wasn't me.'

After cutting a loud fart in the sanctuary, and having my female cousin in the choirloft point her finger right at me. I was 12 at the time.

Posted by: Eromero at August 11, 2019 06:37 PM (UUkQp)

414 BNL NEWS
@BreakingNLive
BREAKING: Two of Jeffrey Epstein's longtime attorney's have hired criminal defense attorneys

Posted by: Deep State is in Deep Shit at August 11, 2019 06:47 PM (BqBId)

415 It is not like he said:

'I must say, you have a lovely DMZ. What are you doing this weekend?' *wink*

***

I know, but I guess she had also given birth that day to a robust snowflake movement and then conditioned it for the next 20 years to be offended at anything and everything.

Posted by: LIsl at August 11, 2019 06:51 PM (Ov5e7)

416 Damn, a pretty viscous response given the comment was not that out of the way. Fumble footed, sure.

Posted by: Aetius451AD at August 11, 2019 06:17 PM (ycWCI)

Not sure if that's directed at me or the patient, so I should probably clarify I meant that hers was the idiotic response.

Posted by: Lisl at August 11, 2019 06:53 PM (Ov5e7)

417 To a friend...

What about that outfit matches?

I still feel really bad about it

Posted by: sunny at August 11, 2019 06:59 PM (lFuF3)

418 I embarrass myself on a daily basis. I walk into walls and apologize to them. I'll say something like "How are you?" and person will respond, " Fine, thanks, how are you? " and I'll babble something like, "You, too."

Dementia at 29 is a terrible thing.

Posted by: Gem at August 11, 2019 07:20 PM (XoAz8)

419
Alex Salvi @alexsalvinews
23m
#BREAKING on @OANN: The medical examiner in New York City says the "determination is pending further information at this time" regarding Jeffrey Epstein's death.

Posted by: Deep State is in Deep Shit at August 11, 2019 07:24 PM (BqBId)

420 Not sure if that's directed at me or the patient, so I should probably clarify I meant that hers was the idiotic response.
Posted by: Lisl at August 11, 2019 06:53 PM (Ov5e7)

A little late, but no, I assumed you were as befuddled by her response to the quip as anyone.

Posted by: Aetius451AD at August 11, 2019 08:03 PM (ycWCI)

421 I once told a teacher that the community college with the biggest student population in the LA area was in West LA (an upscale neighborhood).

Retard!

Posted by: Nonono at August 11, 2019 08:10 PM (2Cm6i)

422 7 I congratulated a woman I thought was pregnant.She wasn't...

I once witnessed a guy saying that to a fat lady. Even I was embarrassed.

Posted by: Nonono at August 11, 2019 08:15 PM (2Cm6i)

423 Last week, I meant to say to the gentleman: "Check your spam filter."

What came out instead? "Check your sperm filter."

Posted by: Shopgirl #PatrickIsMahomesie at August 11, 2019 08:49 PM (9cbI5)

424 My daughter's high school mascot was a Trojan (as in ancient times). She was once checking out at the convenience store when her baby sister, who was proud of her new reading ability, spotted that well-known prophylactic and said 'Look, Sissy- Trojans! You should buy some."

Posted by: Sal at August 11, 2019 09:01 PM (2qCi9)

425 I recognized Nick Offerman's voice right away.

Posted by: cpurick at August 11, 2019 09:11 PM (7YrFp)

426 I was a wedding DJ, and I introduced the wrong couple...hey,it was my second wedding of the day and the DUI laws were looser......

Posted by: coregis at August 11, 2019 10:45 PM (M2OGp)

427 Goddamn but this thread has had me laughing so hard I've been farting up a storm.

Posted by: Robert at August 11, 2019 11:33 PM (qHAEO)

428 Well, once I walked into church late (small church, around 40-50 people) and the music had already started. The worship leader was singing a hymn, and I noticed the projector wasn't on showing the words, so I figured it was malfunctioning and did my best to sing out, you know, since not many people were singing. I don't remember how long it took me to realize he was singing it solo as a prelude. Maybe not until we repeated the song later in the service... mostly I just repress this memory.

Posted by: Tikvah at August 12, 2019 12:24 AM (9msFZ)

429 A few months ago I was hospitalized for diabetic foot wounds that required surgery. My husband came to visit after church and said that our pastor was explaining my situation to the congregation and had told them, "She's got foot wounds that are a complicated of obesity." The crowd hushed, then the pianist corrected him, "Ummm, it's diabetes." The hard of hearing pastor didn't hear her and probably doesn't realize his mistake to this day, but everyone else started giggling. I thought it was hilarious hearing it later, but I don't know what I'd have done if he'd said it in my hearing!

Posted by: Tikvah at August 12, 2019 12:29 AM (9msFZ)

430 I'm a white guy. That's going to be important in a minute. There is a local gas station that is also a bbq restaurant. There was a sign outside that said "Free hamburger with fill up!" That sounded like a good deal to me and i was sitting on E. I filled my car up, then went inside to claim my burger. Two guys working the bbq counter, 2 customers ahead of me, 2 more behind me, all black. The guy at the front of the line said "How much for an order of ribs?" Counterman told him and while the customer was mulling that over, I BLURTED out "How much for ONE rib?" That's Chris Rock's gag from I'm Gonna Get You, Sucka! Customer turns around and says, "What?" I don't hesitate, "You've never heard that Chris Rock joke?" I then proceed to do the entire gag, complete with different voices for everybody. Had the store in stitches! "Dinner and a comedy routine, don't forget to tip your waiter!" were my last words as I headed out the door with my burger.

Posted by: hurricane567 at August 12, 2019 01:18 AM (kpGT/)

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