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Truth Or Consequences....Moron Edition

Tell us a story...it can be true, or mostly true, or partly true, or a complete load of unadulterated bullshit.

The only rule is that it should sound good.

Whoever tells the best true one that sounds ridiculously farfetched wins a Platinum Membership with the ampersand utility and Troll-B-GonTM.

Whoever tells the best tall tale and passes it off as true wins a set of steak knives.

Oh...if you just feel like bragging about something, go ahead!

Posted by: CBD at 02:00 PM




Comments

(Jump to bottom of comments)

1 I read the content....

Posted by: AnthonyB at August 19, 2018 01:59 PM (VE1wO)

2 Frist!

Posted by: Jim at August 19, 2018 01:59 PM (wnFFv)

3 Damn!

Posted by: Jim at August 19, 2018 02:00 PM (wnFFv)

4 I had my last child at the age of 45. My oldest daughter was 18 at the time, so the summer I was pregnant I made sure to send her on a visit to my parents in New York - because I knew that unless they could see her, my mother would firmly believe that Daughter was pregnant, and I was just covering up for her.

Posted by: Annalucia at August 19, 2018 02:03 PM (S6ArX)

5 First!!!!!!

Posted by: Surfperch at August 19, 2018 02:03 PM (AcZtS)

6 If I was any good at that, I would have gotten laid a lot more often.

Posted by: rickl at August 19, 2018 02:03 PM (sdi6R)

7 I got nothin'

Posted by: kallisto at August 19, 2018 02:03 PM (O98j8)

8 Yo mo fos

Posted by: Kentucky kid at August 19, 2018 02:03 PM (WTpkS)

9 Frost!!!!

Posted by: Anonymous White Male at August 19, 2018 02:06 PM (9BLnV)

10 Best story of the year gets the Brian Williams trophy, complete with an autographed golf sock.

Posted by: Diogenes at August 19, 2018 02:06 PM (0tfLf)

11 The moron who wins this should be the guy whose cousin was in the Manson family but got evicted for being too crazy.

Posted by: kallisto at August 19, 2018 02:06 PM (O98j8)

12 Hillary Clinton did not win the election and Donald Trump did.

Posted by: Average Jen at August 19, 2018 02:06 PM (K3XFO)

13 I ever tell you about the time I woke up and found myself dead?

Posted by: Duke Lowell at August 19, 2018 02:07 PM (gC2IV)

14 OK, so here is a story, and this is no BS. Just finished my second rotation at the National Training Center as a M109A6 battery commander. We were at ENDEX and and NCOs were getting things organized for the movement back to the Dust Bowl. Really nothing for me to do, so I kicked my driver out and drove up into the mountains north of the live fire area and stripped for my first actual water bath in more than two weeks. I was enjoying the process when I heard a helicopter in the valley below. No problem, everyone was getting ready to move back to main post. I was bare assed naked except for my boots when the News Six helicopter came into view. The pilot hovered about 100 meters above and pelted me with sand, while the blonde reporter in the back of the bird laughed and pointed for what seemed like a very long time. I don't think they aired that one on the local news that night. And that is my second most embarrassing NTC story....

Posted by: AnthonyB at August 19, 2018 02:08 PM (VE1wO)

15 Jake Tapper's dad is a psychiatrist in S. Philly. He went public with his son's various and sundry neuroses in a notorious FB rant.

Posted by: kallisto at August 19, 2018 02:11 PM (O98j8)

16 Once, many years ago, when I was on the can, I had a sudden intuition that something was moving in the bowl beneath me. I jumped up, barely in time to avoid being bitten by a very, very angry shat-upon cottonmouth. I then screamed and beat the fucker to death with the plunger while my then roommates started yelling about all the noise and what the fuck was going on in there.

Apparently the snake crawled up the pipe? I don't know how it got up there, but I've had a new irrational fear ever since.

Posted by: Locarno at August 19, 2018 02:12 PM (d0Ce4)

17 Are you kidding me? A build-up like that and you don't even give us a story to get us started? What, you expect us to write your content for you? This is why you get paid the big bucks AND the dental plan, CBD!

Posted by: bluebell at August 19, 2018 02:13 PM (JJZzu)

18 I met Nancy Pelosi's niece in San Francisco once; believe it or not, she actually seemed human.

Posted by: Surfperch at August 19, 2018 02:13 PM (AcZtS)

19 MUMR could bust some shit out.
Oh well.

Posted by: Mr Aspirin Factory at August 19, 2018 02:13 PM (89T5c)

20 True story. Worked at gas station in College. Little old lady, regular customer, 64' Impala. While getting gas she cracks the window down and asks if I have a whisk broom. I didn't, and assumed she wanted her floor mats cleaned. I grabbed a big air hose on the fuel island and said 'No, but I'll blow it out'
She looked at me in horror, started the car and drove off with the fuel hose, gas going everywhere. A week later she brought the hose back and told my boss he should fire that disrespectful young man. She had asked if we had a restroom...

Posted by: DBCooper at August 19, 2018 02:15 PM (X/NON)

21 Oh no, I'm not dropping my brilliance on to you all just to get willowed! From the Science! thread below:
Palaeontology is just archaeology as applied to nonhumans.





Vox Day (a former programmer) is right that "science" is too broad a

term to be much useful. Useful science is engineering. Palaeontology is

about dead things and so isn't directly useful, in the same way knowing

about the Holocaust isn't directly useful.


Posted by: boulder terlit hobo at August 19, 2018 12:46 PM (N1ZXu)

Over
the past few years I've come to use the term Natural Philosophy for the
sciences one can't experimentally prove hypotheses with. The funny
thing is, it's subject to change. Linneaen taxonomy is Natural
Philosophy but with DNA analysis biological taxonomy has become science.
Paleontology and Archeology have hypotheses that make sense and may be
true but we can never really "prove" them by observation or experiment.
Hence, Natural Philosophy.


Posted by: J. Random Dude at August 19, 2018 02:11 PM (FfJxM)

Posted by: J. Random Dude at August 19, 2018 02:15 PM (FfJxM)

22 I voted for Trump.

Posted by: B. Obama at August 19, 2018 02:15 PM (LOq4H)

23 I invented a joke that is used everywhere now - that all of you have heard and a fair number have used - all because Ace put it in a bunch of his headlines and spread it far and wide.

Posted by: Mega at August 19, 2018 02:16 PM (uEbPt)

24 NTC is for you kids today.

Back in the Cold War, we were finishing up shooting at Grafenwhor. Waiting on the troopsa and NCOs to pack up the Fire Direction Center, we were standing in a small group near the S3's track. All of a sudden, WOMPH! Right in our midst a 155mm projectile landed. It was sticking about half way out of the ground.
Nobody said anything.
Nobody moved.
I quietly reached into my field jacket and pulled out a cigar. I offered one to the battalion commander and the command sergeant major. We lit up and stood there, each waiting for the other to make the first move.
True story.

Posted by: Diogenes at August 19, 2018 02:17 PM (0tfLf)

25 Firken are short hairy breeches work by 8th century Norsemen.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at August 19, 2018 02:17 PM (yQpMk)

26 20 ROFL

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at August 19, 2018 02:18 PM (CE6iV)

27 I ever tell you about the time I woke up and found myself dead?

I was actually born dead, the fact that I blame for my lack of a soul.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at August 19, 2018 02:18 PM (yQpMk)

28 I coined the word "fantabulous" back in the mid-90s.

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at August 19, 2018 02:20 PM (CE6iV)

29
Once, many years ago, when I was on the can, I had a sudden intuition
that something was moving in the bowl beneath me. I jumped up, barely in
time to avoid being bitten by a very, very angry shat-upon cottonmouth.
I then screamed and beat the fucker to death with the plunger while my
then roommates started yelling about all the noise and what the fuck was
going on in there.



Apparently the snake crawled up the pipe? I don't know how it got up there, but I've had a new irrational fear ever since.

Posted by: Locarno at August 19, 2018 02:12 PM (d0Ce4)

Assuming you're not bullshitting, I'd say that's not an irrational fear but an utterly rational fear backed up by concrete evidence.

Posted by: J. Random Dude at August 19, 2018 02:20 PM (FfJxM)

30 I got better.

Posted by: Duke Lowell at August 19, 2018 02:20 PM (gC2IV)

31
I'm in...

I brought Chuck at LFG (stet) a couple million hits, created an international story, and Chuck still banned me. Months later, a person I personally knew got the NYT to write a story about LFG, who then linked to my story, which caused Chuck to re-direct, because I was linking back to an anti-LFG site.

Mama/Gramma Winger can collaborate my story. If that Felon Speaker hasn't offed her.

Posted by: Forgot My Nic at August 19, 2018 02:21 PM (LOgQ4)

32 This one time at band camp, this chick was hot for me so I took her riding on my rocket to the stars. Years later I saw her again but by then she was known as Hillary Clinton!

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 19, 2018 02:21 PM (+y/Ru)

33 My FIL ran over my MIL in a snowstorm, and killed her. He was also in the Swedish Navy.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:21 PM (lwiT4)

34 23 I invented a joke that is used everywhere now - that all of you have heard and a fair number have used - all because Ace put it in a bunch of his headlines and spread it far and wide.

Posted by: Mega at August 19, 2018 02:16 PM (uEbPt)


"But Mostly...."

Posted by: Jeff Weimer at August 19, 2018 02:21 PM (cvabZ)

35 Ladies, I WAS "that" guy your mother warned you about.

Posted by: some rat in the swamp at August 19, 2018 02:22 PM (LOq4H)

36 Mama/Gramma Winger can collaborate my story. If that Felon Speaker hasn't offed her.

Posted by: Forgot My Nic at August 19, 2018 02:21 PM (LOgQ4)



I'm a witness. I can testify.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:22 PM (lwiT4)

37 My FIL ran over my MIL in a snowstorm, and killed her. He was also in the Swedish Navy.
Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:21 PM (lwiT4)
---------

Oh come on, grammie. You don't really expect us to believe there's such as thing as the Swedish navy, do you?

Posted by: bluebell at August 19, 2018 02:23 PM (JJZzu)

38 Mrs928 is cooking pork chops in the oven. The aroma is maddening.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at August 19, 2018 02:24 PM (yQpMk)

39 I once licked the containment bulkhead of a 165MW S6G fission reactor while it was critical, under about 400 feet of water. I did this
- so i could always say that I did
- to see how it tasted (answer: ok)
If this is the oddest Moron bubblehead story on these forums I'll be absolutely stunned. Shit, it's not even my oddest story, just the first one that came to mind.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 02:24 PM (y87Qq)

40 Englebert Humperdink was once on tour.
Stopped in Greensboro NC.
After the sold out show, he retired to his green room, took a shower, put on a robe.
A knock on the door came, Englebert answered it.
"Hi, Mr. Humperdink, we are you biggest fans in all of Greensboro" said 2 young girls.
"Well, come on in!" said Englebert, "I'll make some drinks".
He made the drinks and at this time, he noticed that the 2 girls were, in fact, conjoined twins. A quick leg count confirmed this.
Nonetheless, drinks were consumed, one thing led to another, Englebert parted his robe just a bit to reveal his manhood.
Stunned by the sight of it, one of the conjoined twins immediately went down on Englebert.
The other pulled out a clarinet and started playing "Begin the Beguine" at the same time.
Soon, their top slipped off and Englebert could not believe his eyes.
They had 3 boobs!
They carried on until about 4 in the morning and Englebert thanked them and put them in a cab.

A year goes by, the tour returns to Greensboro.
One of the twins asks the other "Should we go back to see Englebert again?"

"No" says the other "Englebert is a big star. He'll never remember us..."

Posted by: navybrat, sometime commentater at August 19, 2018 02:25 PM (w7KSn)

41 bluebell - I have a picture. He's mostly just staring down at the water, doing nothing. It's what the Swedish military is famous for.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:25 PM (lwiT4)

42 Oh come on, grammie. You don't really expect us to believe there's such as thing as the Swedish navy, do you?

Posted by: bluebell at August 19, 2018 02:23 PM (JJZzu)


*elbows grammie*

Tell her about the bar codes on the side of the ships!

Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 02:25 PM (y87Qq)

43 ok, this one is real.
I have a few memories from my childhood that I am not sure is real or imagined. I choose to think it's imagined because they would be very not good if real.

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at August 19, 2018 02:25 PM (CE6iV)

44 I flew out of Boston from the gate next to Flight 11. I saw Mohammed Atta waiting for his flight.

Posted by: Jeff Weimer at August 19, 2018 02:26 PM (cvabZ)

45 I started a joke which started the whole world crying. I couldn't see that the joke was on me.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:26 PM (lwiT4)

46 After a long night of drinking, some buddies and I decided to recreate some dinosaurs using DNA we found in amber. We couldn't replicate the entire genetic code so we substituted amphibian DNA. One thing led to another and we had to shut it down. Oh man, the laughs we had!

Posted by: Duke Lowell at August 19, 2018 02:26 PM (gC2IV)

47 I once got some sweet, juicy, rich, and thick information out of James Wolfe after a debriefing session using only my earlobes, ;D.

Posted by: Ali Watkins, NYT Reporter with Great Debriefing Skills at August 19, 2018 02:26 PM (Ta69/)

48 I'm a witness. I can testify.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:22 PM


LOL. I'll bet Chuck could never in his wildest dreams ever realize that I brought the NYT to him. By the time the NYT got around to the story, Chuck had banned me. The timing was definitely off on his side.

Life is very, very strange.

Posted by: Forgot My Nic at August 19, 2018 02:26 PM (LOgQ4)

49 I once read the entire thread before commenting.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at August 19, 2018 02:26 PM (uSlc8)

50 Once upon a time, I had purpose and a reason to go on living.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 02:27 PM (NWiLs)

51 I ever tell you about the time I woke up and found myself dead?

Hah! I can top that one!

Posted by: Franz Kafka at August 19, 2018 02:27 PM (uSlc8)

52 So I went to see my buddy in Jamaica, and he said, "screw this, let's go to Haiti and round up some of that Clinton Money!"


Before you knew it, we were living like kings! True Story!

Posted by: Fritz at August 19, 2018 02:28 PM (CdLX2)

53 39-hogmartin

Good thing it wasn't a Russian sub. Your tongue would have fallen off on the spot.

Posted by: DR.WTF? at August 19, 2018 02:28 PM (T71PA)

54 Once upon a time, I had purpose and a reason to go on living.
Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 02:27 PM (NWiLs)


Have you ever read any Kierkegaard? Just curious.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 02:28 PM (y87Qq)

55

Netflix's Insatiable star Alyssa Milano railed against President Donald Trump's nomination of Brett Kavanaugh to the U.S. Supreme Court, declaring that he will "affect everything we know to be true as American citizens."

Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at August 19, 2018 02:28 PM (IqV8l)

56 So back maybe 25 years ago, a girl I had dated on and off called me at like 9pm one night out of the blue. We started talking about everything and just kept at it. This wasn't anything out of the ordinary for us. Around midnight I turn of my bedroom lights and we keep talking. And something starts bugging me. I have no idea what it is, but I know there's something odd going on here. So I just keep listening more and talking less. And she keep talking about all kinds of stuff. Her friends, her little sister and brother, random stuff on the news. And I just keep listening and start asking myself what do I want to ask her. Because I had the strangest feeling there was something she *wanted* me to ask her. So about 1 am, I finally stop talking totally and just let her voice kind of wash over me for maybe 10 min or so. And she gets quiet, and asks are you there. Yup, still here. She says, what's up? And I feel this pressure in my brain like I know the question is almost there. I tell her, I dunno. She's asks, do you want to hang up, it is late. And I ask here, give me just a minute. So total quiet for 2 or 3 minutes. And I can feel the pressure of this question just bursting my brain. And finally I ask her, totally out the blue, not even knowing what's coming out of my mouth until I say it, "So when did you get the abortion?" She nearly screams "How did you know?" and then breaks down sobbing telling me how she had been dating some football player from the local university and had gotten knocked up and then had the abortion. So we talk for another hour or so and then we finally say goodbye. Still have no idea what gave me that idea to say those words to her.

Posted by: McDirty at August 19, 2018 02:28 PM (HCh/n)

57 I once walked off a ledge and fell down a 40ft crevice in the darkness of a cave. I literally knew that I was a goner as I realized that there was nothing under my feet. Instinctively I threw out my arms and legs while yelling NOOOOOOOOOO! and could just reach the sides to drag and slow myself enough to not splatter at the bottom, where I landed in a crumpled dirty and somewhat bloody heap, right in from of some tourists who where walking the lower path. I bet that scared the shit out of them.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at August 19, 2018 02:29 PM (yQpMk)

58 Once upon a time, I had purpose and a reason to go on living.



And then you met us and ..... wait. This doesn't end the way I thought it would.....

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:29 PM (lwiT4)

59 Hogmartin,
My 'ol man was on subs in WW2. Used to tell about seeing the flash of depth charges while submerged.

Posted by: Diogenes at August 19, 2018 02:30 PM (0tfLf)

60 bluebell - I have a picture. He's mostly just
staring down at the water, doing nothing. It's what the Swedish military
is famous for.
Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:25 PM (lwiT4)


No, they hunt Russian subs too. They are really big on hunting Russian subs.

Posted by: Kindltot at August 19, 2018 02:30 PM (2K6fY)

61 My FIL ran over my MIL in a snowstorm, and killed her. He was also in the Swedish Navy.
Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:21 PM


I can vouch for that. Back at LFG (stet) .Except the Swedish Navy part. That sounds a tad embellished.

Posted by: Forgot My Nic at August 19, 2018 02:30 PM (LOgQ4)

62 After returning from a deployment to the Persian Gulf a few years ago, a fellow officer from my unit committed suicide. The police report said that he had killed himself in his car at a rest stop after his foreign-born wife had him arrested for domestic violence. A DEA agent, they took his service weapon and badge when he was arrested. They never took his personal weapon away which eh killed himself with. I attended the open casket funeral.

Strangely, when we were on deployment, he never let anyone take his picture for the unit tour book because of his work with the DEA. He told me about how he was trying to get into a Colombia/Switzerland undercover operation. At his funeral, his colleagues told me was despondent because the domestic violence charge torpedoed any hopes that he had of being assigned to that op, therefore, he killed himself.

While on deployment, he and I would speak French and listen to heavy metal music. A lot of metal. I spoke French because I wanted to be sent to Djibouti as liaison to the French Marine. He wanted to practice for his prospective Switzerland op.

Last year, several years after our deployment, I travel to France went into a supermarket in Lyon. I was in the checkout line and noticed someone in the next line. It was my friend. I was 100 percent sure it was him just by looking at him.

My first thought was "Oh my god, that can't be him" but I KNEW IT WAS HIM. He had a scruff and long hair, but I KNEW IT WAS HIM.

He and I made brief eye contact, but I was not going to say "Hey, buddy, how are you?" He said nothing to me and we both checked out. He left first.

I ignored him and tried to process the shitstorm swirling in my head.

When I got onto the street. Another man came up to me and handed me a Slayer CD. In French, he said "I believe you dropped this." I said, thank you and went my way. On the CD box was written "56.5" -- the designation of our Command Task Force in the Persian Gulf. It was my friend confirming it was him.

I never saw my friend again and have never told anyone this story.

Posted by: Adirondack Patriot at August 19, 2018 02:31 PM (OBcoN)

63 Wait, are these supposed to be true stories, or no-shit stories?

Posted by: Grump928(c) at August 19, 2018 02:32 PM (yQpMk)

64 I owned a triplex once and I kept getting a call from a new tenant. She was a young broad, 26 years old, and quite attractive.

She would call and complain that the floor of her unit was keeping her up at night and making weird noises.

I told myself, WTF?, and went and paid her a visit.

While I was there she walked me around the place and said at night she would hear large rumblings and sliding noises coming from the floor and was worried "it" would get in.

I asked her, "What would get in?". She said "it" again.

I looked at her dumbfounded. I finally asked her what was "it" under her floor because I had no clue.

She said "The big penis under her unit would get in through the floor."



Posted by: Hairyback Guy at August 19, 2018 02:32 PM (EoRCO)

65 True now


A terrible wreck in the Indy race at Pocono. Up in the fence.

Still in the car. Red flag. It was pretty bad. Fence has to be repaired to even think about restarting.

NBCSN

Posted by: weirdflunky at August 19, 2018 02:32 PM (/WtnO)

66 20 True story. Worked at gas station in College. Little old lady, regular customer, 64' Impala. While getting gas she cracks the window down and asks if I have a whisk broom. I didn't, and assumed she wanted her floor mats cleaned. I grabbed a big air hose on the fuel island and said 'No, but I'll blow it out'
She looked at me in horror, started the car and drove off with the fuel hose, gas going everywhere. A week later she brought the hose back and told my boss he should fire that disrespectful young man. She had asked if we had a restroom...
Posted by: DBCooper at August 19, 2018 02:15 PM (X/NON)

---

ROFL

Posted by: SMH - Get right or get left at August 19, 2018 02:32 PM (ZCD4H)

67 I once pitched a movie idea to the SyFy network. They told me it was too outlandish and no one would believe it.

Posted by: Duke Lowell at August 19, 2018 02:33 PM (gC2IV)

68 63 Wait, are these supposed to be true stories, or no-shit stories?

Posted by: Grump928(c) at August 19, 2018 02:32 PM (yQpMk)


Both. That's the beauty of it.

Posted by: Jeff Weimer at August 19, 2018 02:33 PM (cvabZ)

69 My 'ol man was on subs in WW2. Used to tell about seeing the flash of depth charges while submerged.
Posted by: Diogenes at August 19, 2018 02:30 PM (0tfLf)


Yep, that'll do it. Beaten in 20 comments.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 02:34 PM (y87Qq)

70 I never saw my friend again and have never told anyone this story.

Posted by: Adirondack Patriot at August 19, 2018 02:31 PM (OBcoN)



Oh my gosh. If that's a true story - oh my gosh.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:34 PM (lwiT4)

71 I ever tell you about the time I woke up and found myself dead?

Posted by: Duke Lowell at August 19, 2018 02:07 PM


I was napping, and dreamed that I wanted to wake up... but couldn't. Couldn't move my arms or legs. Completely paralyzed. Because it's a dream.

There's some medical terminology for that type of event. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Posted by: Forgot My Nic at August 19, 2018 02:34 PM (LOgQ4)

72 I was driving through rural Virginia on my way south to Florida, and I got off the highway because of construction and Waze routed me along FM route for a few miles. I came across a farm and on the gate was a sign that said "Black Lab For Sale - He Can Talk!" It was just odd enough for me to stop and check it out. I drive up to the old house and there was a guy sitting on the porch. I asked if the dog was still for sale. He nodded. So I asked what he meant by "He can talk". The old man said "Just what it says." I looked at him and he saw my disbleief so he said "Run back around the house and see for yourself. So I made my way around the house and opened the gate to the yard and there was a beauftul black lab. He looked a little older, with some gray around his whiskers, but he seemed to be in good health. He came up to me looking for some puppy loving, so i reached out to pet him and said Who's a good boy?" To my amaze ment, he looked at me at said with a big grin "This guy!" I must have jumped back ten feet. What the hell? The lab looked at me again and said "I know. I get that all the time." I asked him how he was able to talk and he said " I have no idea. Every since I was a puppy I was able to form words and put together sentences. I can even read. " "That's amazing, I told him. "Yeah, It's been pretty useful. I started off as a circus act, performing for treats and stuff, but then one day a guy approached me after a show and said he was from the CIA. He told me they could use someone like me because I could go places where people couldn't go and get near people without arousing suspicion. They trained me as a spy, and I would find ways to get near political leaders and military planners to overhear what they were saying. I'm just a dog, so people would talk and talk and reveal all kinds of secrets. I would report back to the guys at Langley and they would brief the president. I've been all over the Middle East, Latin America and even China. I started getting old though and just couldn't do it anymore. The President held a retirement party for me at the White House, but only a few CIA guys were there because it was so top secret. The guy out front is a former CIA agent, so they let me retire here where I can run in the fields and play all day."

I looked at him, my mouth probably wide open with my jaw on the ground the whole time. I went back to the old man sitting out front. "First, thank you for your service." The old man just gave me a look like he had no clue what I was talking about. "That dog is amazing. Not only can he talk, but is an honest to God American hero! Why in the world would you sell him?"

The farmer looked up at me from his newspaper and said "I'm just so tired of his bullshit. He lies like a rug. That old dog was born here and he ain't never been outside these gates."

Posted by: Dilsin at August 19, 2018 02:35 PM (3OMsg)

73 I once spent an hour at Tokyo's Lexington Queen drinking beer with John Bon Jovi.

Also talking small talk at Chumley's in NYC with Uncle Junior from The Sopranos and the Mayor from Ghostbusters.

Posted by: Jeff Weimer at August 19, 2018 02:36 PM (cvabZ)

74 There's some medical terminology for that type of event. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Posted by: Forgot My Nic at August 19, 2018 02:34 PM (LOgQ4)


Sleep paralysis. Sorry it isn't a more exciting term

Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 02:36 PM (y87Qq)

75 You want a story, I'll give you one.

Every male in NYC wants a piece of me! They fantasize about me when they go home after seeing me on the streets...

Posted by: Lena Dunham at August 19, 2018 02:37 PM (Ta69/)

76 70 I never saw my friend again and have never told anyone this story.

Posted by: Adirondack Patriot at August 19, 2018 02:31 PM (OBcoN)

---

Damn.

Posted by: SMH - Get right or get left at August 19, 2018 02:37 PM (ZCD4H)

77 There's some medical terminology for that type of event. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.


I have encountered a succubus.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at August 19, 2018 02:37 PM (yQpMk)

78 I once met an honest FBI agent. And, a helpful government office worker.

Posted by: Winston at August 19, 2018 02:38 PM (wgCUV)

79 Dear AOSHQ,

I never thought this could happen to me, but...

Posted by: Duke Lowell at August 19, 2018 02:38 PM (gC2IV)

80 Have you ever read any Kierkegaard? Just curious.
Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 02:28 PM (y87Qq)

Not in depth.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 02:39 PM (NWiLs)

81 I renewed my drivers license last week.
Dreaded it.
Went in to the DMV and was done in 10 minutes.
No shit!!!

Posted by: Diogenes at August 19, 2018 02:39 PM (0tfLf)

82 My grandfather sold the family cow for a package of cigarettes.

Posted by: Northernlurker at August 19, 2018 02:40 PM (8w2G9)

83 Moki needs to be in this thread. She's got some doozys from her years as a diplomat. It would be easy for her to pass a tall-tale since topping some of her real experiences would be difficult.

Posted by: Polliwog the 'Ette at August 19, 2018 02:40 PM (uquGJ)

84 Thanks for "...But Mostly...".

I saw But Mostly open for the Rock Bottom Remainders at the Coconut Grove in '78.

Posted by: The Gipper Lives at August 19, 2018 02:41 PM (Ndje9)

85 I ever tell you about the time I woke up and found myself dead?

I was actually born dead, the fact that I blame for my lack of a soul.
Posted by: Grump928(c) at August 19, 2018 02:18 PM (yQpMk)

Come on! I was dead once for three days, but you don't see me bragging about it!

Posted by: Anonymous White Male at August 19, 2018 02:41 PM (9BLnV)

86 Theres a mushroom growing in my pointsettia pot today that came out of nowhere!

OMMMMMMGGGGGG IS IT POISONOUS CUZ I TOUCHED IT AND NOW IM SEEING COLORS??!??!?

Posted by: Froderick Wonkensteen at August 19, 2018 02:42 PM (+dsLj)

87 Thanks for "...But Mostly...".

I saw But Mostly open for the Rock Bottom Remainders at the Coconut Grove in '78.



The warm up act was First You will Blow me.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at August 19, 2018 02:42 PM (yQpMk)

88 I worked with this guy who used to be in logistics for the Air Force missile command at Mcguire AFB in NJ. He had these stories ...

The best ...
One day a train pulled into Mcguire with no manifest. The logistics guys all poured out to the train cars and started to unload them, making their own manifest. Eventually, they came to the only rail car to have a padlock. Inside, they found a bunch of "blue" containers. Not knowing what they were, they started to unpack one. When they came to a nuclear symbol, they packed it back up an surrounded the railcar with MPs, until these containers could be properly stored.

Some months later, he received a call late in the evening that a car would pick him up at 5AM and take him to accompany a shipment. The car took him to the flight line where he boarded a plane and took off shortly thereafter. After getting a cup of coffee, he went back to see just what he was accompanying. There they were ... those blue containers. He was on the way to Gitmo. It was October 1962. This was an unknown part of the Cuban missile crisis.

Posted by: SMOD at August 19, 2018 02:42 PM (e8kgV)

89 Moron version of spin the bottle without any meatspace consequences. heh.

Posted by: Infidel at August 19, 2018 02:43 PM (pcnVL)

90 77 There's some medical terminology for that type of event. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.


I have encountered a succubus.
Posted by: Grump928(c) at August 19, 2018 02:37 PM (yQpMk)

Yeah, I was married once too.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 02:43 PM (NWiLs)

91 I renewed my drivers license last week.
Dreaded it.
Went in to the DMV and was done in 10 minutes.
No shit!!!
Posted by: Diogenes at August 19, 2018 02:39 PM (0tfLf)


Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a bullshit story winner for the thread. You people are going to have to work to bet this one.

Posted by: Anonymous White Male at August 19, 2018 02:43 PM (9BLnV)

92 Ages ago my cousin was sitting on her porch with a puppy she had had for about a month when a cottonmouth showed up looking to make a meal of the dog. She yelled for my uncle who ran out of the house and dispatched the snake with his shotgun, which frightened the dog so much in ran out into the road where it was flattened by a passing car.

Posted by: Surfperch at August 19, 2018 02:44 PM (AcZtS)

93 This may not be a really good story, so I don't expect to win any prizes, but it's a TRUE story--every word---and it happened just the other day.

On Friday, a friend of mine called and said she needed to borrow $100. With every other thing going on in my life, I really don't have an extra hundred lying around, but there was no way I was going to say no, so I went to the ATM and withdrew $100. On the way home, I was passing a convenience store where I sometimes buy lottery tickets ( no lectures, please) so I decided to stop and buy a scratch off-ticket. I said to myself, "I'm going to buy one ticket and walk out. Hopefully I'll win. $ 50 would be nice."
I went in bought a $5 scratch off and went back to my car and started scratching.
I won $100.

Posted by: JoeF. at August 19, 2018 02:44 PM (y8Foj)

94 Dear Penthouse,

I never thought something like this could happen to me...

Posted by: Beefy Meatball at August 19, 2018 02:46 PM (fRgt5)

95 I won $100.

Posted by: JoeF. at August 19, 2018 02:44 PM (y8Foj)



That's so cool.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:46 PM (lwiT4)

96 23 I invented a joke that is used everywhere now - that all of you have heard and a fair number have used - all because Ace put it in a bunch of his headlines and spread it far and wide.

Posted by: Mega at August 19, 2018 02:16 PM (uEbPt)

"But Mostly...."

Posted by: Jeff Weimer at August 19, 2018 02:21 PM (cvabZ)

LOL I wish.
I always thought it was hysterical that the libs always referred to the agendas of "Big Pharma" and "Big Tobacco" and "Big Oil" and no one ever questioned it.

So one day in July of 2009 after Obama gave a particularly stupid speech about foot and tonsil-stealing doctors I found my chance and remarked on Hot Air that finally someone had the balls to go after "Big Tonsil". It got repeated and quickly found its way here and then Ace started using it in headlines. Shortly thereafter, Andrew Breitbart branded all his sites with "Big" things which I always assumed was a play on that joke.

Over the course of the next few years, I started seeing it pop up in various forms and various places, even from lefties themselves. Now it's just sort of an accepted meme. Never before that, though.

Posted by: America for the Last Two Years at August 19, 2018 02:46 PM (uEbPt)

97 frightened the dog so much in ran out into the road where it was flattened by a passing car.

Posted by: Surfperch at August 19, 2018 02:44 PM (AcZtS)



That's definitely horrible.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:47 PM (lwiT4)

98 Freakin sock

Posted by: Mega at August 19, 2018 02:47 PM (uEbPt)

99 My horse fell off a mountain road. Not only lived but was able to do the 50 mile ride the next day.

Posted by: PaleRider, simply irredeemable at August 19, 2018 02:47 PM (cLj/v)

100 frightened the dog so much in ran out into the road where it was flattened by a passing car.

Posted by: Surfperch at August 19, 2018 02:44 PM (AcZtS)



That's definitely horrible.
Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:47 PM (lwiT4)

It was the only time I ever saw my Uncle cry.

Posted by: Surfperch at August 19, 2018 02:48 PM (AcZtS)

101 One time I hung out and drank adult beverages with Ronnie James Dio at the Rainbow Bar and Grill in Hollywood. There were at least ten guys douchebags stomping around singing Rainbow and Sabbath lyrics while he smiled and laughed. He never had a harsh word for anybody.

Posted by: Fritz at August 19, 2018 02:48 PM (CdLX2)

102 You probably won't believe this, but my Victorian sex toys talk back to me sometimes. Then I punish them for being naughty.

Posted by: Dr. Fern at August 19, 2018 02:49 PM (2NqXo)

103 True story. Back when I was young and dumb in the 80s. I had a 1975 Honda Civic great cheap car. Anyways me and some friends drinking at my families cabin in the woods. Thought it would be fun to explore the logging trails in the Civic. At one point during our adventure the car gut stuck. Then someone said it was bright out tonight. The brightness was from the fire
(due to a puncture in the gas tank and lit by backfiring muffler) caused by 4x4ing a Civic down logging trails. No one was hurt and it didn't start a forest fire. And while dragging the bunt out shell of my Civic back to our property. We had to winch the 8N tractor across two streams the Civic crossed.

Posted by: X-ray at August 19, 2018 02:50 PM (kG2lj)

104
I went in bought a $5 scratch off and went back to my car and started scratching.
I won $100.

Posted by: JoeF. at August 19, 2018 02:44 PM


I believe it. Every time I'm completely 100% positive I have the universe completely figured out... God throws some random craziness my way that throws me off the trail.

I like the fact he/she/they has a sense of humor. I may just need it some day.

Posted by: Forgot My Nic at August 19, 2018 02:50 PM (LOgQ4)

105 I renewed my drivers license last week.
Dreaded it.
Went in to the DMV and was done in 10 minutes.
No shit!!!
Posted by: Diogenes at August 19, 2018 02:39 PM (0tfLf)


Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a bullshit story winner for the thread. You people are going to have to work to bet this one.
Posted by: Anonymous White Male at August 19, 2018 02:43 PM (9BLnV)

--------------

No, I actually believe this, because I have done it. Went to a brand new Driver Services office at 2:30 in the afternoon. Spent 5 minutes on their computer, then took a number. Was 2nd in line. Gave the lady my ID stuff. She entered a few more things, then printed out my temp license. Out the door.

Posted by: Calm Mentor at August 19, 2018 02:51 PM (I16G8)

106 I saw Donald Trump order the Kremlin to find Hillary's missing emails so I had him wiretapped. Again.

And charged with Obstructing a Punchline.

Posted by: J. Brennan, Gus Hall's Joke Police at August 19, 2018 02:51 PM (Ndje9)

107 Another true story:

One night in the ER we had a fantastic trauma case: Florida Man had ingested a wide variety of recreational substances, driven his car at high speed, went airborne, and took out some power lines while crashing into a pond. He'd then been dragged to us in terrible shape, literally missing an arm and a leg. The leg arrived at the same time he did.

The arm showed up a little later, brought in by police. It was even more mangled than the leg and the officer who brought it in explained that one of the officers on the scene had recovered it from an alligator.

We had to digest that for a second. One of our local cops had taken time out from securing the accident scene to jump into a pond with a downed power line to fight a hungry alligator for its prize with his bare hands AND WON.

Florida Cop is even more hardcore than Florida Man.

Posted by: Locarno at August 19, 2018 02:51 PM (d0Ce4)

108 So there we were, me and the Woof, minding our own bidness sitting at the end of the tarmac on the ramshackle airstrip at Peshawar figuring we were done -- the rebels had taken the Governor's palace and were moving on the radio station and the airstrip would obviously be next; we could already hear small arms fire in the distance -- when, all of a sudden, Shorty comes running up and says an old beat-up Dakota was at the other end of the airstrip and getting ready to take off -- the last plane out of Peshawar. I gave Shorty one of the gold bars and told him to get us on the plane. A minute later, he waved to us so we grabbed the weapons cache, the duffel bag full of gold bars, the two nuclear physicists, the five Swedish nurses (Ingelise was always my favorite) and the box of contraband pork chops (Woof loves pork chops) and hustled down to the plane. By this time, 76mm mortar fire was starting to land all around the airfield. We got down there and I threw Woof on the plane, then Ingelise (she was always my favorite) and the other Swedish nurses, the two nuclear physicists, the gold bars and the weapons cache and Woof's pork chops. Just as they were hauling me aboard, a mortar shell landed several yards away and that's how I got this five inch scar all along my knee. The rest of the trip to Srinigar was a breeze.

Posted by: AytchMan at August 19, 2018 02:51 PM (AEtcC)

109 All my true stories are really damn depressing, and I'm not great at composing fiction.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 02:52 PM (NWiLs)

110 I'm actually not dead.

Posted by: buzzion at August 19, 2018 02:54 PM (cAnNx)

111 I have met and shaken Jack Nicklaus' hand twice, once in 1968 in San Antonio, when he was the Golden Bear, and then again in 1986 in Augusta, when he won the Masters for the last time, though it was on Saturday, and not after the amazing Sunday round that won him the title.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at August 19, 2018 02:54 PM (yQpMk)

112 All my true stories are really damn depressing, and I'm not great at composing fiction.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 02:52 PM (NWiLs)



C'mon -- remember that one time you voted for Trump? eh?

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:55 PM (lwiT4)

113 110 I'm actually not dead.
Posted by: buzzion at August 19, 2018 02:54 PM (cAnNx)

Not buying it.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 02:55 PM (NWiLs)

114 Sleep paralysis. Sorry it isn't a more exciting term
Posted by: hogmartin


A sleep-cycle disorder. I've had it happen a few times.

Mentally, you're moving from "REM sleep" to "awake".

Physiologically, you're still in REM sleep. One of the effects is a three-pack of neurotransmitter inhibitors, which do paralyze your skeletal muscles (except, for some reason, for your eyes). They keep you from thrashing around and injuring yourself while you're dreaming.

Posted by: mikeski at August 19, 2018 02:55 PM (P1f+c)

115 AytchMan at 108.

Now that's a real BS story. I've been to Peshawar and there's no way in hell you could get pork chops there for Woof.

Posted by: Diogenes at August 19, 2018 02:56 PM (0tfLf)

116 C'mon -- remember that one time you voted for Trump? eh?
Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:55 PM (lwiT4)

I remember. Who knows if it even got counted.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 02:56 PM (NWiLs)

117 Cute story to no one but me. Watching the Cubs play the Pirates the other night on MLB. The Pirates announcer sees a fan wearing a Cubs jersey that says on the back (where they put they player's name and number) - well anyway, it said "RAIN DELAY 16". The announcer had no idea what it meant.


Seriously.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:57 PM (lwiT4)

118 One night, Gal Godot came to me and said "Rather than make 'Wonder Woman' I want to divorce my husband and marry you, Mr. Patriot, to make you a happy, happy man."

I told her "The movie industry needs you more than me and I must spurn your sexual advances."

Posted by: Adirondack Patriot at August 19, 2018 02:58 PM (OBcoN)

119 I'm a compensated endorser and spokesmodel for Big Eyebrow.

Posted by: Justin Trudeau, CEO, Brezhnev Eyebrows, Inc. at August 19, 2018 02:58 PM (Ndje9)

120 C'mon -- remember that one time you voted for Trump? eh?
Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 02:55 PM (lwiT4)

I remember. Who knows if it even got counted.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 02:56 PM


Yeah, it didn't. He voted straight (D). When we got through, that is.

Posted by: George Soros at August 19, 2018 02:58 PM (LOgQ4)

121 110 I'm actually not dead.
Posted by: buzzion at August 19, 2018 02:54 PM (cAnNx)

Good one!

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at August 19, 2018 02:58 PM (CE6iV)

122 One time I hung out and drank adult beverages with Ronnie James Dio at the Rainbow Bar and Grill in Hollywood. There were at least ten guys douchebags stomping around singing Rainbow and Sabbath lyrics while he smiled and laughed. He never had a harsh word for anybody.
Posted by: Fritz at August 19, 2018 02:48 PM (CdLX2)

I believe it. There are A FEW celebrities who know they are fortunate for being where they are in life and let the little annoyances that go with the territory just roll off their back...

Posted by: JoeF. at August 19, 2018 02:58 PM (y8Foj)

123 I once admired a girl from afar and never mustered the courage to even talk to her.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 02:59 PM (NWiLs)

124 I would tell a story or three, but, I'm quite sure everyone's first thought would be, "No one can be that stupid," and, well, I prefer not to confirm that which is probably already suspected.

Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at August 19, 2018 02:59 PM (WEBkv)

125 I told her "The movie industry needs you more than me and I must spurn your sexual advances."
Posted by: Adirondack Patriot


*****

So you're saying I got your cast off???

Posted by: Diogenes at August 19, 2018 02:59 PM (0tfLf)

126 119 I'm a compensated endorser and spokesmodel for Big Eyebrow.
Posted by: Justin Trudeau, CEO, Brezhnev Eyebrows, Inc. at August 19, 2018 02:58 PM (Ndje9)

All we have to do is ask Palp to see if that's true or not.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:00 PM (NWiLs)

127 Lovitz, a liar? Pfft.

Actually, I can't get over the resemblance of Thurm's mannerisms/persona to Rosenstein's.

Posted by: Nathan Thurm at August 19, 2018 03:00 PM (CDGwz)

128 A college roommate of mine was an enlisted man in intelligence in Germany in the '70s. His job was to listen in on routine East German military radio traffic. Strictly small potatoes. But every Christmas he'd get a Christmas card from the Kremlin just letting him know they knew who he was.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 19, 2018 03:01 PM (+y/Ru)

129 For nearly as long as I can remember I never wanted to be me.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:01 PM (NWiLs)

130 There was this one time, when I was staying at an apartment close to McGill University...

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at August 19, 2018 03:02 PM (xSo9G)

131 I suck at this. True story.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:03 PM (NWiLs)

132 This isn't a story so much as a fact that I just recently had confirmed.
We've all heard of six degrees of separation between you and a famous celebrity, but I have one degree of separation from President Trump.
A guy that owns the business down the street from ours, someone I've known for years, attended the New York Military Academy with President Trump. He showed me pictures and letters--including one from about ten years ago inviting this guy up to Trump Tower to say hello.

Posted by: JoeF. at August 19, 2018 03:03 PM (y8Foj)

133 For nearly as long as I can remember I never wanted to be me.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:01 PM (NWiLs)



Two weeks ago at my biological father's funeral, a long-lost cousin came up to me and said, "When I was little, I wanted to be you. Not, I wanted to be LIKE you. I actually wanted to BE you."


I'm a better actress than I thought.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:03 PM (lwiT4)

134 All my true stories are really damn depressing, and I'm not great at composing fiction.
Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 02:52 PM (NWiLs)


All of mine are only entertaining if you were there, or are still secret, or are dumb and only I think they're funny. Or else pretty mundane compared to what lots of other people have experienced. I was in a coma for nine days from blood loss and I while I was out I went swimming with my grandpa when he was my age in a river in Poland. Then I woke up and was convinced for a few days that I was being held as a POW by the Canadians, evidence being that I was in restraints (I kept pulling out the feeding tube and IVs), wearing red wooly socks (so the nurses knew not to let me talk them into trying to let me escape) and I was guarded by people in green uniforms (scrubs) some of whom carried Tim Horton's cups. The end.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 03:03 PM (y87Qq)

135 Two weeks ago at my biological father's funeral, a long-lost cousin came up to me and said, "When I was little, I wanted to be you. Not, I wanted to be LIKE you. I actually wanted to BE you."


I'm a better actress than I thought.
Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:03 PM (lwiT4)

Wow.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:04 PM (NWiLs)

136 I worked with this guy who used to be in logistics for the Air Force missile command at Mcguire AFB in NJ. He had these stories ...

The 2nd best ...

Being in missile logistics, he had to run an inventory of spare parts periodically. In order to take the printout from the line printer and place it in a locked box, he was required to have crypto-clearance. The fighter jockey officer he served under only had top secret. One day his officer demanded to be allowed into the printer room, but not having the crypto-clearance, he refused. His officer made a real scene of it banging on the door. The MPs arrived and the matter was sent to the base CO, who ripped the officer a new one.

Posted by: SMOD at August 19, 2018 03:04 PM (e8kgV)

137 So one time this dude had a vampire wife sucking his lifeblood away but he was praying for his marriage to last. I got the call when the big guy was busy and put divorce into the vampire's head while the guy was at least still walking. Sometimes I wonder if he made it, but I don't dare ask the big guy since I acted w/o authorization.

Posted by: outlaw angel at August 19, 2018 03:04 PM (cLj/v)

138 I'm actually not dead.
Posted by: buzzion at August 19, 2018 02:54 PM (cAnNx)


*snif*

*poke with stick*

Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 03:05 PM (y87Qq)

139 As Mary Travers was leaving a concert, I realized that she was going to pass by me. I slyly extended my left elbow so that it brushed her left breast as she went by.

I didn't wash it for a week.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at August 19, 2018 03:05 PM (xSo9G)

140
Two weeks ago at my biological father's funeral, a long-lost cousin came up to me and said, "When I was little, I wanted to be you. Not, I wanted to be LIKE you. I actually wanted to BE you."


Sounds like she was planning to kill you.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:05 PM (HkNlg)

141 All my true stories are really damn depressing, and I'm not great at composing fiction.
Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 02:52 PM (NWiLs)


Dude. My mom died in a one car crash on my 40th birthday.

She had been in the process of having dental implants put in, and had kept the gold crowns, gold caps, and amalgam fillings. She had had a mouth-full of them. We found them in a drawer, she apparently hadn't gotten around to selling them for the melt value. I mean, that was a shock, having Mom's smile in a sock drawer.

She had opted to be cremated, so by step-brother brought her to the cemetery in the saddle bags of his Harley. He said that she had been bugging him for a ride, which he had been reluctant since she was in her 80's and he was worrying about putting the bike down with her on it.

To save money, we brought the post-hole digger, and I pulled the tarp out of the back of my Honda to put the dirt on to keep a tidy site.

I mean, really, it's funny now. Time heals wounds, and lets you see the punchlines.

Posted by: Kindltot at August 19, 2018 03:05 PM (2K6fY)

142

You are kinda cool, tho.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:06 PM (HkNlg)

143 128 A college roommate of mine was an enlisted man in intelligence in Germany in the '70s. His job was to listen in on routine East German military radio traffic. Strictly small potatoes. But every Christmas he'd get a Christmas card from the Kremlin just letting him know they knew who he was.
Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 19, 2018 03:01 PM (+y/Ru)

-------------------------

Read a Reader's Digest story years ago that was similar. Guys in Russia knew they were being bugged on New Year's eve, lifted a toast to their listeners and mocked them a bit, a bit later, the phone rang and the only sound of a bottle being poured into a glass.

Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at August 19, 2018 03:06 PM (WEBkv)

144

That reminds me, last week I saw this bumper sticker on a Minivan:

I Used To Be Cool

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:06 PM (HkNlg)

145 Sounds like she was planning to kill you.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:05 PM (HkNlg)



Which would have been a kindness.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:07 PM (lwiT4)

146 I once made an informative and well thought out post on Ace of Spades.

Posted by: Cat Ass Trophy at August 19, 2018 03:07 PM (dNzKv)

147

Anyone else feel like that? That you used to be cool?

And getting old sucks?

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:07 PM (HkNlg)

148
In my late teens a friend suggested we fly halfway across the planet. Being young and stupid with a few bucks in my wallet I agreed. Jet lag is a bitch. You're halfway across the planet, walk into an obscure bar really late at night and one of the penultimate sports figures of all time is sitting on the stool.

My friend walked up to him and blurted out some fan stuff. I was simply in shock.

Posted by: Forgot My Nic at August 19, 2018 03:07 PM (LOgQ4)

149 Read a Reader's Digest story years ago that was similar. Guys in Russia knew they were being bugged on New Year's eve, lifted a toast to their listeners and mocked them a bit, a bit later, the phone rang and the only sound of a bottle being poured into a glass.
Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at August 19, 2018 03:06 PM (WEBkv)


Comrade Major really likes that story.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 03:08 PM (y87Qq)

150

And what is "cool" today isn't really Cool, at all? It's just Stupid? And you are still cool?

Or is it just me?

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:08 PM (HkNlg)

151 78 you lie

Posted by: renowebb at August 19, 2018 03:08 PM (irc3O)

152 Kindltot - oh geez. Oh wow.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:09 PM (lwiT4)

153 Read a Reader's Digest story years ago that was similar. Guys in Russia knew they were being bugged on New Year's eve, lifted a toast to their listeners and mocked them a bit, a bit later, the phone rang and the only sound of a bottle being poured into a glass.
Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at August 19, 2018 03:06 PM (WEBkv)

Russians are crazy and fatalist , but they also have a dark sense of humor. I bet that many of them envied us.

Posted by: JoeF. at August 19, 2018 03:09 PM (y8Foj)

154 Two weeks ago at my biological father's funeral, a long-lost cousin came up to me and said, "When I was little, I wanted to be you. Not, I wanted to be LIKE you. I actually wanted to BE you."
Posted by: grammie winger

Sounds like she was planning to kill you.
Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter


Wait... grammie is Iowahawk's cousin?

Posted by: mikeski at August 19, 2018 03:10 PM (P1f+c)

155 Jim Kinnier, Pat Murphy, Richard Salmon and John Diorio are all spinning in their graves over what young Andrew has done with the education they gave him.

Posted by: Fox2! at August 19, 2018 03:10 PM (jMG5u)

156 That reminds me, last week I saw this bumper sticker on a Minivan:

I Used To Be Cool
Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:06 PM (HkNlg)

--------------

My little brother's wife wears the pants in their family. Right up until their first kid was born, he had a Harley Fat Boy. From the hospital, she made him sell it so they could buy.....a Honda Odyssey.

He has never lifed that one down.

Posted by: Calm Mentor at August 19, 2018 03:11 PM (I16G8)

157 I once posted here sober with pants on.

Posted by: X-ray at August 19, 2018 03:11 PM (kG2lj)

158 Wait... grammie is Iowahawk's cousin?



Posted by: mikeski at August 19, 2018 03:10 PM (P1f+c)



Could be. I've known him to visit Kenosha.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:11 PM (lwiT4)

159 I was doing a project at the Conde Nast building in Times Square, home of magazines like Vogue, when I passed right by Anna Wintour, the real life Devil Who Wears Prada.

So I said to Anna, Love your suit.

Posted by: Ignoramus at August 19, 2018 03:11 PM (1UZdv)

160 I was about eleven, growing up in a small town of about 1200 folks in Western Kentucky. It was in late summer and, as usual, and I was walking home from the ball field at dusk. I would head down to the field as soon as I got in the morning and wait for someone to show up. Most days we would have enough kids for as least a good practice, if not a game.
Anyway, it was barely light enough enough to see trees and telephone poles silhouetted against a dim skyline as I and a buddy were nearing my house. Just at that time a bird, a dove as I recall, flew up from the left roadside. I was carrying my bat at right shoulder arms so I assumed a good firing position and went "phew".
The bird burst into a ball of feathers and dropped to the ground. Every hair on my body stood on end. I looked at my buddy and all I saw were the wide whites of his eyes staring back. When composed, I walked over to where the bird lay and was almost clothes-lined by the same guy wire that it had hit.
True story


Posted by: Javems at August 19, 2018 03:11 PM (hKXB0)

161 I had a between deployment fling with the first runner up ms. Emersum from the San Diego over~the~line tournament. 88 or 89.

Posted by: Sumdumchief at August 19, 2018 03:12 PM (xutw/)

162 147

Anyone else feel like that? That you used to be cool?

And getting old sucks?
Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:07 PM (HkNlg)

Not exactly. I never felt that I used to be cool. Life sucks, and getting old especially sucks.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:12 PM (NWiLs)

163 I knew people were suffering in Bosnis so I decided to bring some food and medical.supplies in. Shot my in. Shot my way out. But it was worth it if I brought a smile to the face of one child.

Posted by: Hillary! at August 19, 2018 03:12 PM (+y/Ru)

164 I started my grandson shooting hoops when he was two years old on a plastic hoop using a tennis ball. He got so good at it that no one could beat him at horse. When he was nine, he started organized ball. I never missed a practice, but his grandma had health problems. As he warmed up for practice, he came over to me & asked me how grandma was. I told him she was at home with diarrhea. He answered, "Grandpa, are you trying to tell me that while I'm out here shooting hoops, Grandma is home shooting poops?"

Posted by: Frank T at August 19, 2018 03:12 PM (XxjA5)

165 I saw Ray Charles in the airport in Reno once.I nearly bumped into him.

He didn't see me.
True story.

Posted by: Deplorable Ian Galt at August 19, 2018 03:12 PM (8iiMU)

166 penultimate sports figures

"Penultimate" doesn't mean "more awesome than 'ultimate'", it means "second-to-last".

Unless you're talking about someone who nearly lost every NASCAR race he was in...

Posted by: mikeski at August 19, 2018 03:13 PM (P1f+c)

167 For a year or so, I'd wake up saying a guy's name. I could never remember the dream behind it, and I knew no one by that name. One night I awoke sobbing that man's name. I was so annoyed and frustrated, I yelled: Who the f is That Name?!?***About 6 months later I met a guy and he took me to his fam's house. He intrnduced me to his sister, who then turned to my date and addressed him by That Name.

Posted by: kallisto at August 19, 2018 03:13 PM (O98j8)

168 Hi, my name is Mike Hausfrau and I'm a severe conservative Republican. I'm so Republican that I think Fred Phelps won't get into Heaven because he was a registered Democrat, and no amount of Holy Queer stomping is going to get that black mark off your soul. I'll never vote Democrat, because I don't want some commie New Yorker getting in my face telling me I can't marry my cousin Bonnie. We have 3 lovely children, Glenda, who has a great smile even with a cleft pallet, Jeff whose a little slow, but not chink lookin' retarded, and Cleetus whose right foot only has 3 toes, but that's OK, 'cause he'd probably shot them off by now if they weren't missing in the first place.
Anyway, now that the lead smelting plant is gone, I'm outta work and money is tight. So we do our own doctoring. And they said my years of cooking meth would never amount to anything. I'll tell you my special blend moonshine will kill any of those microscopic buggers you poor it on. When it burns you knows its workin. Heck, it'll degrease your combine too!
Anywho, we had to pull one of Cleetus' tooths the other day, so I decided to add it to our homeschool lesson on the space program. So we tied the tooth off to our Aerotech model rocket, at let fly. Faster than you can say "Houston we have a problem" the rocket exploded and took Cleetus' tooth with it. Unfortunately the force of the blast also dislocated his jaw, and gave him 1st degree burns on his frontside. Since dousing in my special blend just set Cleetus to smoldering, Bonnie insisted we take him down to the hospital.
I took him to Doc Johnson's, but he wouldn't take Cleetus because he didn't have enough fur. I said "But it done burned off!" and Doc Johnson said, we'd have to take him to a hospital for people. So I said "Fine!" and drove him down to St. Luke's with all them rosary rattlers.
So we get down there, and I tell 'em we don't have much money, with the meth heads switching to Krocadil and all. And they say "No problem. Just sign up for Obamacare"
And I say what's an Obama?
And they said "Its free health care"
So I say "what's the catch?" And they said "Do you pay taxes? and I said "Hell no!" and they said "No catch".
So now Cleetus got his jaw wired up, Glenda got her face fixed, but Jeff's still slow so there's that. But thank the Good Lord for Obamacare! Wait...whatdya mean the President's black? That's unpossible!

Posted by: AsTrueAsACA at August 19, 2018 03:13 PM (EyFCU)

169 From the hospital, she made him sell it so they could buy.....a Honda Odyssey.

He has never lifed that one down.
Posted by: Calm Mentor at August 19, 2018 03:11 PM (I16G


Well, it's a nice van. So there's that.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 03:14 PM (y87Qq)

170 Russians are crazy and fatalist , but they also have a dark sense of humor. I bet that many of them envied us. Posted by: JoeF.

My dad says Cubans are like that, too.

Posted by: Justin Trudeau, CEO, Brezhnev Eyebrows, Inc. at August 19, 2018 03:14 PM (Ndje9)

171 One of the engineers I worked with at Nasa had one of the strangest stories I ever heard. He said that there was a baby in the neighborhood that freaked everyone out. While only a couple of months old it was able to speak full sentences in English and carry on conversations with the adults around him.


The story has a happy ending; 20 years later he was still able to speak in full English sentences and carry on conversations with the adults in the room - but nobody seemed freaked out by him any longer.

Posted by: An Observation at August 19, 2018 03:14 PM (le57Z)

172 I knew people were suffering in Bosnis so I decided to bring some food and medical.supplies in. Shot my in. Shot my way out. But it was worth it if I brought a smile to the face of one child.
Posted by: Hillary! at August 19, 2018 03:12 PM (+y/Ru)

I was glad I was there to fire cover for you.

Posted by: Brian Williams at August 19, 2018 03:14 PM (y8Foj)

173 In my late teens a friend suggested we fly halfway across the planet. Being young and stupid with a few bucks in my wallet I agreed. Jet lag is a bitch. You're halfway across the planet, walk into an obscure bar really late at night and one of the penultimate sports figures of all time is sitting on the stool.

My friend walked up to him and blurted out some fan stuff. I was simply in shock.
Posted by: Forgot My Nic at August 19, 2018 03:07 PM (LOgQ4)

--------------------

I was sitting in a bar in Minneapolis a couple of decades ago, looked over, and Tom Clancy was sitting with a blond bombshell at a table. I did a double-take and the bartendress laughed and said, "yes, it is and he'd prefer to be left alone."

I'm not big on bothering celebrities when they're out enjoying a meal so, wasn't a problem.

Another time, more than a few decades before I turned 29, I was working in a restaurant and, much to my surprise, Paul Benedict was sitting a table with a very good looking and busty young lady.

In the back we were trying to figure out whether it really was Paul Benedict and one of the guys said it had to be because, not good looking guy, very good looking younger woman.

Consensus was it was he. And, the restaurant in question did get the odd celebrity now and again.

Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at August 19, 2018 03:15 PM (WEBkv)

174 On the way home the weekend my horse fell off the road I had a flat tire on my p/u right in the city. Three angels, one a State Patrol officer, helped change the tire, and they took off before I could even thank them let alone offer cash.

Posted by: PaleRider is simply irredeemable at August 19, 2018 03:15 PM (cLj/v)

175

For years I couldn't sleep with the closet door being open, wherever I was. Because that would let the Monsters out in the bedroom while I sleep.

I still do it today.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:15 PM (HkNlg)

176 I have an Angel story, but it makes me look bad, so I'll keep it to myself.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:16 PM (lwiT4)

177 I kept Hillary from going to Wisconsin.

Posted by: Zionist Redneck at August 19, 2018 03:16 PM (i4jWn)

178 ...and when I got home there was a hook hanging from the car door handle!

Posted by: Duke Lowell at August 19, 2018 03:17 PM (gC2IV)

179 Polliwog, that is so sweet!! Y'all have heard my good stories that I am allowed to talk about. The rest are classified, so...

Posted by: Moki at August 19, 2018 03:17 PM (V+V48)

180

looked over, and Tom Clancy was sitting with a blond bombshell at a table. I did a double-take and the bartendress laughed and said, "yes, it is and he'd prefer to be left alone."

I wouldn't be able to pick Tom Clancy out of a lineup.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:18 PM (HkNlg)

181 I kept Hillary from going to Wisconsin.
Posted by: Zionist Redneck at August 19, 2018 03:16 PM (i4jWn)

Nyet. That was us.

Posted by: OMG! Russians! at August 19, 2018 03:18 PM (y8Foj)

182 Well, it's a nice van. So there's that.
Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 03:14 PM (y87Qq)

----------

Yeah, it was. We used to do a draw at Christmas for the adults, so we had just one gift to buy. That year my brother in law got my brother. He got him a straight gift, but also got him.....a skirt. Many laughs were had.

Posted by: Calm Mentor at August 19, 2018 03:18 PM (I16G8)

183 I wouldn't be able to pick Tom Clancy out of a lineup.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:18 PM (HkNlg)


Well not now.

Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 03:18 PM (y87Qq)

184 Back years ago I was riding passenger in a company truck near the King Ranch, South Texas, with my buddy driving, just about sunrise, we'd been up all night. And a long ways still to go. Well we saw this poor dead dog in the middle of the 2 lane road, he'd been hit. Buddy decided best thing to do was just straddle him with the tires, road was too narrow to get to the side. Well he was must mostly dead, not all the way dead, because just as we were upon him that poor old dog lifted up his head and looked straight at us. A second later we heard the "Thump!" and figured well, at least we put him out of his misery. Kept smelling a weird burnt smell, so about an hour later we stopped for a gas at a little station in a little town along the way. Popped open the hood - and there was that damn dog's head, jammed in between the motor mount and the engine, looking up at us, with his tongue hanging out. Not the whole dog, just the head, like it had been cut off with a knife.

Buddy looked at it a second, didn't say much, just went up to the kid at the register and said "hey you got a broom?" Kid said sure, and so he got the broom, stuck the handle down there and knocked the head out onto the concrete below. Then he took the broom back and said to me "get in we're leaving." I said Huh? he repeated "Get In, We're Leaving." So we took off, and I have always wondered about the next person after us who pulled up to that pump.

Posted by: Tom Servo at August 19, 2018 03:19 PM (V2Yro)

185 "Penultimate" doesn't mean "more awesome than 'ultimate'", it means "second-to-last".

Posted by: mikeski at August 19, 2018 03:13 PM


I screwed that up, obviously. Not sure where Wilt Chamberlain would reside on anyones list. Being from the Philly area, he was near the top of a short list which would include perfect game pitcher Jim Bunning, Mike Schmidt, Larry Bowa, and Pete Rose.

Maybe I was correct.

Posted by: Forgot My Nic at August 19, 2018 03:19 PM (LOgQ4)

186 Crap. Paul Benedict, "The Jeffersons" upstairs British neighbor.

Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at August 19, 2018 03:19 PM (WEBkv)

187 I advised Sarah Jeong to go there.

Posted by: Colin Powell at August 19, 2018 03:20 PM (D4BQa)

188 Grammie Winger, "punctuated equilibrium"

Life goes on, we get a massive dump of crap that we get the feeling that even Job would say, "whoa" and then we make life normal again.

To paraphrase Mark Twain, at times life is like falling over a wheelbarrow. Every time we think we have reached the end, we have a bit further to go.


Posted by: Kindltot at August 19, 2018 03:20 PM (2K6fY)

189 When I was a child, I would sometimes see a dark, swirling mist in the shadows of the hallway at my house. It felt menacing and sinister. Sometimes I would have recurring nightmares of a dark and shadowy figure standing over my bed. I chalked it up to over active imagination, until years later I started talking about it for some reason and my brother confessed he'd witnessed the same things.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:20 PM (NWiLs)

190 Nyet. That was us.

Posted by: OMG! Russians! at August 19, 2018 03:18 PM (y8Foj)
I saw your Facebook ads. You didn't do squat. Might be time to lay off the vodka flavored borsch.

Posted by: Zionist Redneck at August 19, 2018 03:21 PM (i4jWn)

191 i remember when ace told us his story about being in the woods with his friends and one of them got scared, so they all got scared and started running.

i still lol at that. i just did.

Posted by: concrete girl at August 19, 2018 03:21 PM (Tm+wy)

192 Consensus was it was he. And, the restaurant in question did get the odd celebrity now and again.
Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman


The Skyway bar on Hennepin?

Posted by: X-ray at August 19, 2018 03:21 PM (kG2lj)

193 Ace's real name is Marty McFly.

Posted by: Helena Handbasket at August 19, 2018 03:22 PM (m54Mo)

194 193
Ace's real name is Marty McFly.

Posted by: Helena Handbasket at August 19, 2018 03:22 PM (m54Mo)

Nah, it's Allahpundit.

Posted by: Zionist Redneck at August 19, 2018 03:22 PM (i4jWn)

195 ONCE I TYPED A LOWERCASE LETTER, WHICH IS FUNNY BECAUSE I CANNOT PERCEIVE WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.

Posted by: BEN ROETHLISBERGER at August 19, 2018 03:23 PM (AcZtS)

196 Where's StuckOnStupid when you need him?

Posted by: Smash'em at August 19, 2018 03:23 PM (4A5fG)

197 Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:20 PM (NWiLs)



I have thoughts.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:23 PM (lwiT4)

198 196 Where's StuckOnStupid when you need him?
Posted by: Smash'em at August 19, 2018 03:23 PM

Man, that guy sure could spin a yarn.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:23 PM (NWiLs)

199 Posted by: McDirty at August 19, 2018 02:28 PM (HCh/n)

Did you ever talk to her again?

Posted by: clutch at August 19, 2018 03:24 PM (kiSdp)

200 about your shadowy figure I meant to say before the ice tea made my hand slip

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:24 PM (lwiT4)

201 196: He was there with the feel good tale back when we really needed it in the dark months of Demonrat rule.

Posted by: PaleRider is simply irredeemable at August 19, 2018 03:24 PM (cLj/v)

202 Insomniac, I remember that saga. Did he make all of that up??

Posted by: Moki at August 19, 2018 03:25 PM (V+V48)

203 I once woke up, had a decent day and nothing shitty happened.

Once.

Posted by: DR.WTF? at August 19, 2018 03:25 PM (T71PA)

204 200 about your shadowy figure I meant to say before the ice tea made my hand slip
Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:24 PM (lwiT4)

I figured, but it did help to elaborate.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:25 PM (NWiLs)

205 Posted by: Locarno at August 19, 2018 02:12 PM (d0Ce4)\

I found a 4' long black snake in a drain pit that had to have traversed over 100' of 4" drain pipe followed by 50' of 2" PVC. He was very happy to be released into the wild, as he could never escape from that pit on his own! So I rate your story believable.

Posted by: Hrothgar Bot at August 19, 2018 03:25 PM (n9EOP)

206 I did not have sex with that woman.

Posted by: Bill Clinton at August 19, 2018 03:26 PM (AcZtS)

207 202 Insomniac, I remember that saga. Did he make all of that up??
Posted by: Moki at August 19, 2018 03:25 PM (V+V4

Can't say for certain, but I believe he did.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:26 PM (NWiLs)

208 "That's the Content"....where is your ticket...JUSTIN your other pants?...so you are Trudeau,the cartoonist or the Maharajah impressionist one. Canucks wanna know?

Posted by: saf at August 19, 2018 03:26 PM (5IHGB)

209 So what are your thoughts? I've considered two main theories: the presence of actual evil, or psychological manifestations of constant childhood trauma.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:27 PM (NWiLs)

210

Murder She Wrote is on.
bill maher is in this episode. What a creep.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:27 PM (HkNlg)

211 The Skyway bar on Hennepin?
Posted by: X-ray at August 19, 2018 03:21 PM (kG2lj)

--------------

No, left coast restaurant located in a small fishing town. Well, it was fishing town at the time.

Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at August 19, 2018 03:27 PM (WEBkv)

212 An Observation

That baby might plausibly have been me; my mother told me that when she would make baby noises at me, I would clap and Google but not generally make baby noises back, which worried her. Then, when I was at a family dinner, my grandmother asked me an actual question directly and (very unexpectedly) got direct, grammatically correct sentences ("That's my daddy. I love my daddy.") which freaked everyone out.

Posted by: Locarno at August 19, 2018 03:27 PM (d0Ce4)

213 Went camping on my honeymoon (1st marriage, not the other two) in Montana. Husband-at-the-time comes out of the shower area and tells me he just met George Montgomery. Yes, the movie star. Or was.
Handsome man that George.

Posted by: sally at August 19, 2018 03:27 PM (sBDDH)

214 I remember that saga. Did he make all of that up??

Posted by: Moki



Oh THAT guy?!? That one went on for days and days! I started getting suspicious when the girlfriend started posting.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:27 PM (lwiT4)

215 My brother, who is a very loquacious sort, butt-dialed me one time and on the message kept repeating "Madison Street", like he was in the back of a car, maybe giving directions?

So the next day when I talked to him, I decided to play a little joke. Like he's one of these that probably believes in ghosts and stuff, and it scares him, but he won't really admit it? He's not a hardcore skeptic or anything and he's not religious, but he talks pretty tough and likes to feign like he doesn't believe in anything. So this was going to be a very brief and very inoffensive joke... or so I thought.

So I'm on the phone with him for about five minutes and then I tell him I have a call coming in, and then made him wait a minute. This was in the days of Call Waiting. I put the phone down for about 60 seconds. When I got back on the phone, I tell him that this is going to sound ridiculous but it was my wife's crazy "psychic" friend Phil who said the absolute stupidest thing to me.
He had heard of Phil a few times, and he knew that my wife had some crazy friends who were all just... crazy.
So I told him that Phil said, "Are you on the phone with your brother right now? I have a message for him. Two words."

He goes "Yeah?"
So expecting him to react with a "that's weird" or "that's spooky" or "that's crazy" or even "oh geez, was that you I butt dialed yesterday?", I said to him:
"Madison Street".
Instead of a normal or somewhat surprised reacion, I got a parade of:
"HOLY FUCK! HOLY SHIT! HOLY FUCK! HOLY SHIT! HOLY FUCK! HOLY SHIT! YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING! WHAT THE FUCK! HOLY FUCK! HOLY SHIT! HOLY FUCK! HOLY SHIT!"
When he finally settled I asked him what it was. "HOLY FUCK! HOLY SHIT! ARE YOU KIDDING? WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT. THE. FUCK."

Then he explains that he went to the Bulls game last night and it was his first date with this girl and he thought that maybe they hit it off okay but this fucking totally cinched it!!!

"HOLY FUCK! HOLY SHIT! HOLY FUCK! HOLY SHIT!"

I couldn't say anything. I couldn't tell him. I didn't have the heart. How could I tell him? How the fuck could I tell him? I couldn't. I just... couldn't.

They got married 18 months later.

Posted by: Guy at August 19, 2018 03:28 PM (uEbPt)

216 213 Went camping on my honeymoon (1st marriage, not the other two) in Montana. Husband-at-the-time comes out of the shower area and tells me he just met George Montgomery. Yes, the movie star. Or was.
Handsome man that George.
Posted by: sally at August 19, 2018 03:27 PM (sBDDH)

So your husband was meeting handsome men in camp showers?

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:28 PM (NWiLs)

217 On the way home stopped at the Canal Blvd grocery store in New Orleans and checking out with 1 can of diet soda was John Goodman.

Saw John Goodman at the post Muses parade party.
His wife was a member of the Mardi Gras Muses.
Dr John was the 2 hour entertainment. John sat alone at a table and enjoyed the fun.

The grocery drowned in Katrina. We floated outta town to Cowtown. Damn. Flood insurance is a very good thing indeed.

Posted by: d9 at August 19, 2018 03:28 PM (WX+x0)

218 207 well, he should be writing for a living. He kept us rapt for a couple of weeks.

Posted by: Moki at August 19, 2018 03:28 PM (V+V48)

219 Oh, forgot to add, I'm older than I look.

Posted by: sally at August 19, 2018 03:28 PM (sBDDH)

220 So what are your thoughts? I've considered two main
theories: the presence of actual evil, or psychological manifestations
of constant childhood trauma.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:27 PM (NWiLs)



Physical manifestation of presence of evil

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:29 PM (lwiT4)

221 Giggle, not google.

Posted by: Locarno at August 19, 2018 03:29 PM (d0Ce4)

222 psychological manifestations

of constant childhood trauma.



Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:27 PM (NWiLs)



Nope.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:30 PM (lwiT4)

223 Physical manifestation of presence of evil
Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:29 PM (lwiT4)

I don't discount it.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:30 PM (NWiLs)

224 Sometimes I would have recurring nightmares of a dark and shadowy figure standing over my bed. I chalked it up to over active imagination, until years later I started talking about it for some reason and my brother confessed he'd witnessed the same things."

My brother and I had similar experiences, in our old house when we were very young. Later after we'd left we tried to convince each other it was just our imagination. More people have seen stuff like this than will admit it - the shadow people.

Posted by: Tom Servo at August 19, 2018 03:31 PM (V2Yro)

225 Oh, forgot to add, I'm older than I look.
Posted by: sally at August 19, 2018 03:28 PM (sBDDH)


You look marvelous.

Posted by: Fernando Llamas at August 19, 2018 03:32 PM (T71PA)

226 223: And you said you couldn't tell an interesting tale Insomniac, that one is pretty darn hair raising.

Posted by: PaleRider is simply irredeemable at August 19, 2018 03:32 PM (cLj/v)

227 Neighbor, the nurse, has the best story.
Man came into the ER with an injury from playing horseshoes. Seems he wasn't able to pound the rebar stake into the ground with his 2x4 hammer, so he laid the board across the top of the rod and used his body weight to pile drive it into the dirt. Unfortunately, the rebar did not go into the ground, but it did split the board and literally tore him a new a-hole. The staff at the hospital took their time getting him into surgery so that everyone on staff had a chance to see him before he got unimpaled.

Posted by: Conor Macleod at August 19, 2018 03:33 PM (4KA7J)

228 This is an absolutely true story that I could swear to under oath in court: I once had breakfast with Anna Nicole Smith.
I really ought to leave things there - in fact I think I will.

Posted by: An Observation at August 19, 2018 03:33 PM (le57Z)

229 Nood

Posted by: PaleRider is simply irredeemable at August 19, 2018 03:33 PM (cLj/v)

230

Next movie thread, we can discuss that scene in Big Jake, and all the movies that copied that scene.



Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:34 PM (HkNlg)

231 I invented Al Gore and his rhythms..............

Posted by: saf at August 19, 2018 03:34 PM (5IHGB)

232 I don't discount it.
Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:30 PM (NWiLs)

---------------------

Real life tends to be much more interesting than fiction.

Stuff happens in real life that if one tried to include the incident in a work of fiction, it would be dismissed out of hand as too farfetched.

Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at August 19, 2018 03:34 PM (WEBkv)

233 That is a 100% no bullshit story too. There's actually a bit more but is gets even weirder.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:34 PM (NWiLs)

234 128 A college roommate of mine was an enlisted man in intelligence in Germany in the '70s. His job was to listen in on routine East German military radio traffic. Strictly small potatoes. But every Christmas he'd get a Christmas card from the Kremlin just letting him know they knew who he was.
Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler

*****

Had similar experience while stationed at a place in Turkey, up on the Black Sea.

Posted by: Diogenes at August 19, 2018 03:34 PM (0tfLf)

235 I'm actually not a fish.

Posted by: Surfperch at August 19, 2018 03:34 PM (AcZtS)

236 Giggle, not google.
Posted by: Locarno


Don't be evil

Posted by: Bozo Conservative....outlaw in America at August 19, 2018 03:34 PM (S6Pax)

237 I voted Republican, had sex with Donald Trump and made him a sandwich after were done.

Posted by: Mary Cloggenstein at August 19, 2018 03:35 PM (OBcoN)

238 Nood
Posted by: PaleRider is simply irredeemable at August 19, 2018 03:33 PM (cLj/v)


Where?

You can't just yell nood in a crowded thread.

Posted by: DR.WTF? at August 19, 2018 03:35 PM (T71PA)

239
Nood

Posted by: PaleRider is simply irredeemable


/tips hat

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:35 PM (HkNlg)

240 DUDE, I can on this thread /s

Posted by: PaleRider is simply irredeemable at August 19, 2018 03:35 PM (cLj/v)

241 Insomniac, were you ever baptized/christened?

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at August 19, 2018 03:36 PM (CE6iV)

242 When I was a semi-delinquent teen in The Bronx we would go into the local cemetery at night. The Bronx back then was known for wild things, and we had Santeria and other weird worshipers around.

While badly buzzed, we chanced upon a votive shrine on a grave, centered on a severed goat's head. We thought it fun to toss the head at each other, using the horns, until we collectively realized that whoever put it there might still be around.

Did I say there was a full moon ...

Posted by: Ignoramus at August 19, 2018 03:36 PM (1UZdv)

243 I used to work in nursing and home health care. One of my patients was an ancient black guy somewhere in his 90's, very kind and down to earth.

One day, while I was working with him, because of something in the news, I asked him what he thought about UFO's. He clammed up and didn't want to talk. I finally got him to tell me what was bothering him. He was ashamed and convinced I would laugh at him, but sincerely believed that he had once seen a mermaid come out of the ocean onto the beach.

Posted by: Kate Winslet's boobs at August 19, 2018 03:36 PM (jq0/v)

244 So a guy is driving his wife to a scheduled C-section. Problem is, he's a illegal alien wanted for murder in Mexico. When ICE grabs him, the #VeryFake News reports "Monster Trump Makes Pregnant Woman Drive Herself to Hospital!" instead of "Trump Complies With Request From Mexican Authorities, Ushering In New Era of Cooperation".

Probably stripped him of his security clearance, too.

Posted by: The Gipper Lives at August 19, 2018 03:36 PM (Ndje9)

245 I'm actually not a fish.
Posted by: Surfperch at August 19, 2018 03:34 PM (AcZtS)


Do you like fish sticks?

Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 03:36 PM (y87Qq)

246 True story: I was dating Lovitz's best friend when he did this show. We had drinks that night, I think. I thought Lovitz was sort of fat at the time, but now I think he looks trim.

Posted by: LASue at August 19, 2018 03:36 PM (Z48ZB)

247 I have the biggest, grithiest penis on the internet.

Now to make up a story.

Posted by: JackStraw at August 19, 2018 03:37 PM (/tuJf)

248 241 Insomniac, were you ever baptized/christened?
Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at August 19, 2018 03:36 PM (CE6iV)

Yes.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:37 PM (NWiLs)

249 My ex FIL would make a trip every year to Nebraska with several of his buddies t go pheasant hunting. They had been gone for about a week and were due home that day. I was finishing up chores when a pheasant flew into the indoor arena and perched on one of the rafters in the arena. On a lark I picked up a rock and chuncked it at the bird and knocked it to the ground where my Australian shepherd jumped on it and held it there so I could grab the bird and wring its neck.
I carried the bird home to add to the hunters collection. They had not gotten one bird in a week.

Posted by: Ben Had at August 19, 2018 03:37 PM (dEFp1)

250 Next movie thread, we can discuss that scene in Big Jake, and all the movies that copied that scene.


Which scene?

Posted by: Grump928(c) at August 19, 2018 03:37 PM (yQpMk)

251 I still have my security clearance.

Posted by: John Brennan at August 19, 2018 03:38 PM (AcZtS)

252
Insomniac, were you ever baptized/christened?

I have a follow up question:

Is your name Damien?

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:38 PM (HkNlg)

253 Giggle, not google.
Posted by: Locarno

Don't be evil
Posted by: Bozo Conservative....outlaw in America at August 19, 2018 03:34 PM (S6Pax)

---------------

They had just ONE job......!

Posted by: Calm Mentor at August 19, 2018 03:38 PM (I16G8)

254 I lived and worked in a third world shit hole in South America for a couple years. I had been out working in a remote area working with friend for a few days and was desperate to get back to town for some edible food, drink, shower and rest. Daily bus was due in the afternoon so waited patiently on the side of the muddy road for a couple hours until it finally arrived.

Turned out the bus was even more packed that usual. Aisle was filled with adults, kids,babies animals and not one more person could be packed in as people were already hanging out the door. The bus driver, who we knew, said we could sit on top of the bus with the luggage and chickens if we wanted. We gladly accepted and climbed up. The three hour ride back, despite the wind and drizzle, was far better than hellish the conditions inside which I was too familiar with. Even with dodging the low hanging branches SOB driver was getting a good laugh from.

Posted by: Ripley at August 19, 2018 03:38 PM (MxEKc)

255 Sometimes I would have recurring nightmares of a dark and shadowy figure standing over my bed. I chalked it up to over active imagination, until years later I started talking about it for some reason and my brother confessed he'd witnessed the same things."

My brother and I had similar experiences, in our old house when we were very young. Later after we'd left we tried to convince each other it was just our imagination. More people have seen stuff like this than will admit it - the shadow people.
Posted by: Tom Servo at August 19, 2018 03:31 PM

Holy crap this made me think of a similar incident when I was around five years old. It was around dawn. I woke up, it was still dark in the bedroom but then I saw a shadow. It had a round head (like a Smiley-Face from the 70's). I started moving my arms around and sitting up/lying back down. It copied all my moves. I screamed for my mom who of course said, "No, you don't have a shadow that shows up in the dark." Oh yeah?

Posted by: JuJuBee, just generally being shamey at August 19, 2018 03:38 PM (2NqXo)

256 Any man that calls a false Nood spends the night in the box.

Posted by: Grump928(c) at August 19, 2018 03:38 PM (yQpMk)

257 I'm actually not a fish.
Posted by: Surfperch at August 19, 2018 03:34 PM (AcZtS)

Do you like fish sticks?
Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 03:36 PM (y87Qq)

No.

Posted by: Surfperch at August 19, 2018 03:38 PM (AcZtS)

258

Which scene?

The scene in the beginning when he saves Col Krittendon from hanging.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:39 PM (HkNlg)

259

er, or Dr Bombay

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:39 PM (HkNlg)

260 My father was in a bar in Florida when a guy came in with a Labrador Retriever.
The bartender said, "We don't allow dogs in here!"
The dog's owner said "But this is a talking dog and he should be allowed to stay!"
The dog said "I believe my owner has a most cromulent point and I think you would look ridiculous throwing the only talking dog you are likely to ever see out of your establishment!"
The bartender said "OK, he can stay!"
My father then struck up a conversation with the dog's owner and found out that the owner had fallen upon really hard times and was willing to sell the dog for $50. My father thought how can I possibly loose on this deal, I can make a circuit of nightclubs with a talking dog and make the $50 back many time over.
So my father said, "It's a deal, I'll buy the dog and here's your $50!"
The owner took the $50, counted it to make sure it was right, and said "All right, the dog is yours!"
As my father took the dog's leash, the dog looked at his former owner and said with scorn "Wretch, you have sold me! Just for that I'll never speak another word."

Posted by: Hrothgar Bot at August 19, 2018 03:39 PM (n9EOP)

261 228 This is an absolutely true story that I could swear to under oath in court: I once had breakfast with Anna Nicole Smith.
I really ought to leave things there - in fact I think I will."

If you were around Mexia Texas when Anna Nicole was in high school, all you had to do was go to the Dairy Queen where she worked - only DQ in town. I traveled through there a few times in those years, figure I probably ran into her.

Posted by: Tom Servo at August 19, 2018 03:39 PM (V2Yro)

262
I was stuck at a busy airport once, big delays, big crowds, so I got a seat at an airport dive, bought some chips and drink. Another dude sits down, and I start eating, then he takes one of my chips, I thought weird but whatever. I eat one and then he looks at me at eats another. I thought ok this is strange, so I eat like 6 at once, then he eats a bunch, and just when I was gonna say 'WTF dude' he gets up and leaves. What a weirdo!

Then I go to get my laptop out and I see my bag of chips. I was eating his!

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 19, 2018 03:39 PM (r+sAi)

263 Me and my little brother, Billy Ray was born and raised in a dusty little West Texas town where the government schools were so bad Momma wouldn't let us go to school and kept us home. When we was little we followed Momma everywhere she went. When she fed the chickens, ducks, and geese we helped. When the little babies hatched out, they imprinted on Me n Billy Ray, and Momma, and our dog Rustler. It was common to have flocks of chickens and ducks and geese follow us around everywhere we went. When they were little babies, they would shelter with us every time we sat down somewhere. Poor Rustler gave us a look every time as if to say, "Why did you do this to me?" He would be surrounded by baby chicks or baby ducks. Even after they was growed they follow us everywhere.

'Cuz Momma wouldn't let us go to government school, she had to teach us our letters and numbers, and then teach us to read, and she always gave us study assignments on the things we had to know to manage our farm. At first, we helped in the garden, so we had to learn all about plants and stuff. Then we had to help her with canning and preserving.
Poppa worked in the oil patch when he could, and Momma would manage the farm with hired help. When there wasn't any work in the oil fields, Poppa managed the farm and we followed Poppa around and did what he did, and he gave us study assignments on machinery, engineering, accounting, and taxes. Poppa hated taxes and once we started doing the Environmental Impact Statements, and Income Taxes, we learned to hate the government as much as Momma and Poppa did.

We took our High School Equivalency Test when we was fifteen, two years early, and started in on college course work in advanced math and engineering. We had our college degrees two years earlier than anyone else our age and we knew more than the other kids in our dusty little town.

Poppa died in an oil field accident about two years later when a well head blew out, and it broke Momma's heart. We were pretty shook up about it when Momma died less than a year after Poppa. We worked the farm a couple more years and then the Immanel Drive was invented. We sold everything and went into space as crew on a Merchant Freight Hauler. We were pretty familiar with computer networks 'cuz that's where we did all our studying and such. We left Earth behind and never looked back. That is how we ended up doing forty years in the Merchant Space Fleet, and that is how we ended up here on this mudball where dinosaurs rule and humans hide in caves.

...

Yes, they are sentient. The one Billy Ray is friends with is named 'Big Roady.' Billy Ray gave him the name because they really don't have names themselves. You can wave at him, and he'll wave back. They were curious about us when we first started setting up our station and watched everything we did. Billy Ray said they were just curious, so I didn't worry about it. I insisted on the electrified fence 'cuz I thought they would eat our cows and horses, but Billy Ray says that Big Roady has scent marked our homestead as his territory.

The big lizards don't often fight because something that big can do a lot of damage. Mostly it is a lot of head noddin' n hissin' and stuff like that. The big lizards are really energy efficient; they don't move if they don't have to. You ever see any of those big river crocodiles from Old Earth? Ya, they don't move much. Usually they just float in water or hide in the swamp and wait for their next meal to show up.

I saw a vid once, where there was a big river croc just below the surface, or just out of the camera frame, and this little gazelle or some such was trying to drink the river water. You could see the little gazelle was very cautious about something; might have been eye to eye with that croc. Anyway, the croc makes a lunge that was faster than you can blink, but the little gazelle was quicker and escaped.

Our big lizards are a lot like that. They don't chase their food; they wait for their food animals to present themselves to be eaten. The lizards won't move more than a body length or so, just like that river croc.

You ever eat mudnuts? Ya, well some people like'm and some people don't.

...

Ya, Billy Ray, I see'm. Looks like they are trailing smoke; probably had to redline the engines to outrun the big wings and now they are cooking the transmission. They will be lucky to get on the ground before the thing catches fire. I'll go talk to them. No, you young'uns stay here with Billy Ray. You'll get your chance to meet them later.
...

Who is in command here? Master Sergeant Wu? He's in charge of this screw up? What happened to the Major? Fell back to rear guard while you ran for it. Well that explains everything. I hope you brought plenty of food; we're not an agricultural station. For one, it is too far from the settlement. Just how do you expect to get back to the settlement? That machine will never fly again. Changing out a cooked tranny is a depot level repair. No such repair capability 'round here.

How the hell did you get it this far? External Drop Tanks! So you don't have enough fuel if the damn thing could fly! Well, I never.

Professor Sterling, I tolt you not to come out here, and I tolt you we couldn't feed all y'all.

Science my left front foot! Oh, that's just a local expression. You could have done your damn science much closer to the settlement. Of course you do. We're the first humans to make a deal with the locals. The big lizards! They own this environment! We can live out here because we've made friends with some of the smart ones. Big Roady is ok, but Junior is a handful; don't mess with him. He is still trying to win a place in the command structure and it makes him dangerous to be around. It's not just the big guys. Everything out here eats something. Big Roady won't eat you; says he doesn't like the metallic taste, but the younger ones haven't learned that yet. No, it's all the gear all y'all carry. Gives them an upset stomach.

Well, let me draw you a picture. The toads are stupid; just stay away from them. They can't eat raw mudnuts, but if you carry some with you, the stink calls in the many-legs. Mudnuts? Itsa tuber; grows in the mud. Many-legs? Your worst nightmare. Camp? Here is as good a spot as any. Nope, Billy Ray doesn't want you near the place.

Mind your camp sanitation. The water table is pretty high here and boil your drinking water. You need to build your shelters three meters above ground level. Well it floods during the rainy season. High Ground? How are you going to get all that gear to high ground? Ya, sure. One last flight out of that machine and what are you gonna do if it crashes and burns with all your gear onboard? You were lucky the pilot could get it on the ground before the tranny caught fire.

...


Posted by: Skandia Recluse at August 19, 2018 03:41 PM (XeN7w)

264 When I was a first year grad student, a fellow student begged me to lend her $100 so she could take the train home to see her mom, who had just been diagnosed with cancer.
No one else would or could help her.

I had $125 or so dollars in my account, so I could ill afford to lose the money even temporarily, but her distress seemed genuine to me.
So I gritted my teeth and gave it to her.

She went down to a pawn shop, bought a pistol, and blew her brains out.

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at August 19, 2018 03:42 PM (0jtPF)

265 As a teen I used to run the gas pump at a small airport in Vancouver WA. One day a beautiful Aero Commander came in and the pilot asked for fuel. It was Arnold Palmer.
I top off the tanks and went inside to do the credit card.
Everyone there was wanting to talk golf but he asked if anyone could tell him about the local fishing.
We chatted for almost 15 minutes.
Very cool guy.

Posted by: Diogenes at August 19, 2018 03:42 PM (0tfLf)

266 Dang Ace. I was with you, but, damn bro, yall done crossed the line with the "ampersand utility." Not only do you have to disavow yourself and your attitude and response, you need to grovel at the temple of Squak with the other non uber menschen who have fatally crossed the line of (leftist) dogma, distaste, and utter bullshit. Pls Pls Pls - I prefer my left autophagy with tapatio, kosher bacon, and Jack Daniels - Shaken NOT stirred -Pls. Otherwise, wtf! Only the shadow knows for sure. I'm sure you are as welcome as a burr in the saddle to one and all leftists. Keep up the stellar anti-troll trolling !!!

Just sayin'!

Posted by: Ray at August 19, 2018 03:42 PM (AVxHd)

267 252
Insomniac, were you ever baptized/christened?

I have a follow up question:

Is your name Damien?
Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:38 PM (HkNlg)

Heh. No, it's not. But my mother would essentially accuse me of being the root of all evil, in various ways.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:42 PM (NWiLs)

268 there is a common belief that children can see ghosts/spirits/etc and most lose that as they grow up.

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at August 19, 2018 03:43 PM (CE6iV)

269 Guy Mohawk: I have a similar story, but it involved a Nissan Murano.

I was at a mall and went to leave. I got into a black Murano and the key didn't fit in the starter.

I looked around and my briefcase was missing from the front seat. I panicked and then realized I was in someone else's black Murano.

Posted by: Adirondack Patriot at August 19, 2018 03:43 PM (OBcoN)

270 Posted by: Margarita DeVille at August 19, 2018 03:42 PM (0jtPF)



Oh my gosh.

Posted by: grammie winger at August 19, 2018 03:43 PM (lwiT4)

271 Then I go to get my laptop out and I see my bag of chips. I was eating his!
Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 19, 2018 03:39 PM (r+sAi)


Winner!

Posted by: DR.WTF? at August 19, 2018 03:43 PM (T71PA)

272 I had $125 or so dollars in my account, so I could ill afford to lose the money even temporarily, but her distress seemed genuine to me.
So I gritted my teeth and gave it to her.

She went down to a pawn shop, bought a pistol, and blew her brains out.

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at August 19, 2018 03:42 PM (0jtPF)

Her distress was genuine even if her story was false.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:44 PM (NWiLs)

273 he had once seen a mermaid come out of the ocean onto the beach. Posted by: Kate Winslet's boobs

I once saw Kate Winslet's boobs come out of the ocean onto the beach.

Posted by: Leonardo DiCrap...Decapp...DiBlas...DaVinci at August 19, 2018 03:45 PM (Ndje9)

274 260 My father was in a bar in Florida when a guy came in with a Labrador Retriever.
The bartender said, "We don't allow dogs in here!"
The dog's owner said "But this is a talking dog and he should be allowed to stay!"
The dog said "I believe my owner has a most cromulent point and I think you would look ridiculous throwing the only talking dog you are likely to ever see out of your establishment!"
The bartender said "OK, he can stay!"
My father then struck up a conversation with the dog's owner and found out that the owner had fallen upon really hard times and was willing to sell the dog for $50. My father thought how can I possibly loose on this deal, I can make a circuit of nightclubs with a talking dog and make the $50 back many time over.
So my father said, "It's a deal, I'll buy the dog and here's your $50!"
The owner took the $50, counted it to make sure it was right, and said "All right, the dog is yours!"
As my father took the dog's leash, the dog looked at his former owner and said with scorn "Wretch, you have sold me! Just for that I'll never speak another word."


Posted by: Hrothgar Bot at August 19, 2018 03:39 PM (n9EOP)



That there was a clever ventriloquist.

Posted by: buzzion at August 19, 2018 03:45 PM (cAnNx)

275

Her poor mom with cancer must've been horrified. Sad.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:45 PM (HkNlg)

276 There's some medical terminology for that type of event. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Posted by: Forgot My Nic at August 19, 2018 02:34 PM (LOgQ4)

Sleep paralysis. Sorry it isn't a more exciting term
Posted by: hogmartin at August 19, 2018 02:36 PM (y87Qq)


I used to have those dreams a lot in college. It is awful...absolutely terrifying.

Posted by: platypus, gumdrop gorilla channel at August 19, 2018 03:45 PM (WEFox)

277 Posted by: Margarita DeVille at August 19, 2018 03:42 PM (0jtPF)

omg how horrible
depressed suicidal people can be totally selfish a-holes

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at August 19, 2018 03:45 PM (CE6iV)

278 My dad was a big Dale Earnhardt Senior fan. I didn't like him so we would always argue about it. I spent about a week at his house about twenty years ago. He had an African grey parrot. Whenever I was alone with the bird I kept repeating "Earnhardt sucks". I didn't think it was working. Parrot never said anything. A couple of days after I got home the phone rings. I picked it up and the first thing I hear is "What the fuck did you do to my bird?"

Posted by: Mark1971 at August 19, 2018 03:45 PM (xPl2J)

279 Posted by: Margarita DeVille at August 19, 2018 03:42 PM (0jtPF)

I'm at a loss for words...

Posted by: Surfperch at August 19, 2018 03:46 PM (AcZtS)

280 "She went down to a pawn shop, bought a pistol, and blew her brains out."

But you got the gun, right?

Posted by: Ignoramus at August 19, 2018 03:46 PM (1UZdv)

281 After seeing Lena's latest nudes, I finally made up my mind to ask her out. Next thing I knew, we were jetting to Moscow for a pee-party at one of my favorite hotels.

Having held my water for the entire trip, I was of course quite eager to begin. Upon entering the crowd, I immediately withdrew my sporty spout, and let forth upon her large doughy torso. As she undressed, I directed my sparkling shaft in an "interlace" pattern, much like that in a TV "cathode-ray tube." Hot and ample, this drenching yielded an even coating, yet I was also able to apply touches of deft splash in all the right places. The relief was ecstatic.

"Ohhh!" she squealed. "Such a forceful dousing!" Yes, the velocity, distance and volume were impressive indeed, thus I would soon need to throttle back so as to preserve 75% capacity for the long night ahead. "Yes Lena! And you are such a big target, I fear I may not be adequate!" Replenishing myself with a few liters of the foulest Russian champagne, I leisurely sought my next aim-point.

Modesty prohibits me from sharing the remaining tale of that night's golden delights. I will never forget my last sight of her, plump, moonlit and glistening in the puddle on the parquet, smiling with satisfaction wetter than she had ever known. Alas, I could not tarry, for news of my performance had already reached Bill Kristol, and I had to respond quickly to his summons, in order to catch his cruise at the first port of call.

Posted by: Celebrity Pee-Party Confidential! at August 19, 2018 03:46 PM (mk9aG)

282 When I was a junior in high school a friend had an old Volkswagen beetle. One night while drinking, 4 of us decided to go and visit his sister at Carnegie Mellon. We lived in suburban Pittsburgh. We get down there around 11 and his sister who was a freshman wants no parts of high school boys. We drive around the city, still drinking in the car until around 1 am. We're driving back while the shithead who owns the car decides that we should go 4 wheeling. There is a couple of acres on a hillside where people rent little plots of land to grow gardens. That is where we end up. Instead of following the roads, said shithead drives straight down through the gardens, off of huge dropoffs. We are bouncing all around the car, beer cans flying around. Nearly rolled the thing 4 times. No idea how we didn't suffer some damage that night. Ahh the '80's.

Posted by: Timon at August 19, 2018 03:46 PM (h3t5U)

283 Everybody pretends like there's nothing going on, but let me sound the alarm: we are constantly pelted with high-energy particles, the origin of which is unknown.

Some source is flinging fast nuclei, electrons, gamma and x-rays at Earth. The nuclei crash into our atmosphere, showering us with muon shrapnel.

What're muons, you ask? They are elementary charged particles 207 times more massive than electrons, hitting our soft mushy defenseless bodies at a substantial fraction of the speed of light, hundreds to thousands a minute.

What're gamma rays, you ask? They are very high-energy electromagnetic radiation more powerful than x-rays. In 774AD, we received a burst of gamma rays so intense that it changed the chemistry of our trees and rocks.

And don't even get me started about meteors and bolides.

Now, the eggheads will try to tell you this cosmic barrage comes from black holes, or magnetars, or some other "natural" phenomena. Yeah, right!

The sinister character of this relentless onslaught can mean only one thing: some foul enemy is shooting at us. Does it not behoove us to shoot back?

I don't know yet whether the many salvos of 30cal that I have fired at the moon have reached their target. Actually, there is considerable doubt that these so-called "cosmic rays" even come from the moon. All I know is that it's the nearest, easiest-to-hit celestial target, and I need to do my part.

I fear I am, so far, alone in counter-attacking. Around me I see only people strangely unconcerned about this relentless relativistic cannonade. I exhort them all to arm themselves with knowledge of the threat, particle detectors, weapons to return fire, and courage to squarely face the foe, as have I.

Posted by: Cosmic-Ray Coverup! at August 19, 2018 03:47 PM (mk9aG)

284 I was playing in my backyard one day (about 9 yrs old) and saw a squirrel walking the fence line. I threw a rock just to scare it but hit it square in the head and killed it. Oddly my older brother was taking taxidermy classes at the time. So that squirrel sits at our cabin above the fireplace.

Posted by: X-ray at August 19, 2018 03:47 PM (kG2lj)

285 I don't understand the point of this thread.

Posted by: Brian Williams at August 19, 2018 03:48 PM (OBcoN)

286 True Story.

My dearest friend, now dead, worked at St. Patrick's Cathedral as Sacristan, (rather like a Stage/Props Manager, for those who don't know the term). He stood six foot one and dressed immaculately, and enjoyed both his public and private duties.

Of course, St. Patrick's has many visitors, and he enjoyed interacting with them. One of his favorite things in life was to treat people exactly the opposite of what they felt they deserved -- meaning that he loved to exalt the humble, and bring the pompous down a peg or two.

It seems that the President (GWBush) was coming to town, and a Secret Service detail came to the Cathedral to survey and evaluate the security measures, and the lead of this detail was an extremely unpleasant and conceited fellow who was quite a pain in the neck to anyone around him - including his crew.

It was my friend's duty to take him where he wanted to go -- which was everywhere -- the altars, and the crypt, the dressing rooms, etc. And he insisted upon seeing the fuse box. So my friend dutifully led him to the fuse box and explained the setup briefly.

"This fuse is the circuit breaker for the main area, and if it blows, then THIS fuse is for the backup system." my friend said, helpfully.

"And what happens if the backup fuse also blows?" the Secret Service man asked.

"It gets dark." my friend deadpanned.

As you can imagine, there was much stifled merriment among the assembled company. No further questions were asked.

Posted by: Aunt Ralph at August 19, 2018 03:48 PM (bbLS2)

287 She went down to a pawn shop, bought a pistol, and blew her brains out.

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at August 19, 2018 03:42 PM


Sometimes, late at night I watch some PronTube videos, just to find a face I don't recognize. I find the face, and next day look up the story. A beautiful girl, every door on the planet would open for her.

Ends up with a bullet in the brain. Time after time.

There's always more to the story then meets the eye.

Posted by: Forgot My Nic at August 19, 2018 03:48 PM (LOgQ4)

288 285Those who the jokes on rarely get it

Posted by: Skip at August 19, 2018 03:50 PM (lxZ71)

289 depressed suicidal people can be totally selfish a-holes
Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at August 19, 2018 03:45 PM (CE6iV)

---

Oh, that helps.

Posted by: SMH - Get right or get left at August 19, 2018 03:50 PM (ZCD4H)

290 Does it not behoove us to shoot back?
Well, we are hammering them with radio waves of "We Built This City" so its a fair fight.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 19, 2018 03:50 PM (r+sAi)

291 Posted by: Margarita DeVille at August 19, 2018 03:42 PM (0jtPF)

Oh shit that is terrible.

Posted by: clutch at August 19, 2018 03:50 PM (kiSdp)

292 While badly buzzed, we chanced upon a votive shrine on a grave, centered on a severed goat's head. We thought it fun to toss the head at each other, using the horns, until we collectively realized that whoever put it there might still be around.

Did I say there was a full moon ...

Wow that is a great first scene of an awesome horror movie...

Posted by: Tom Servo at August 19, 2018 03:50 PM (V2Yro)

293 Well, that went on longer than I intended. I cut out alot.

Now I gotta change my nic/hash outa embarrassment.

Don't taze me bro.

Posted by: Skandia Recluse at August 19, 2018 03:51 PM (XeN7w)

294 It's all an act. I like girls.

Posted by: Shep at August 19, 2018 03:51 PM (xzqr4)

295 289 depressed suicidal people can be totally selfish a-holes
Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at August 19, 2018 03:45 PM (CE6iV)

---

Oh, that helps.
Posted by: SMH - Get right or get left at August 19, 2018 03:50 PM (ZCD4H)

LOL

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:52 PM (NWiLs)

296 I almost got kidnapped once. Mom was divorced from my dad and we were living in a run down house. I slept by the window in the 2nd bedroom. Middle of the night mom gets up and normally she didn't check on me (I was 9 so she figured I was okay)..but this night she did. Just in time to see some guy reaching for me. She screamed and he ran off. We moved a week later.. and no it wasn't my dad.. he was still back east. We were living in Texas.

Posted by: Jewells45 at August 19, 2018 03:52 PM (dUJdY)

297 296 I almost got kidnapped once. Mom was divorced from my dad and we were living in a run down house. I slept by the window in the 2nd bedroom. Middle of the night mom gets up and normally she didn't check on me (I was 9 so she figured I was okay)..but this night she did. Just in time to see some guy reaching for me. She screamed and he ran off. We moved a week later.. and no it wasn't my dad.. he was still back east. We were living in Texas.
Posted by: Jewells45 at August 19, 2018 03:52 PM (dUJdY)

Holy shit.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:53 PM (NWiLs)

298 As others have noted, as a very young boy, I sometimes saw a shadowy figure in my bedroom at night. I just rolled over in bed and like a good Catholic boy, said prayer after prayer, hoping I wouldn't be killed.

Decades later, four of my brothers said they had seen the same thing at different points in their lives...

True as shit.

Posted by: GuyfromNH at August 19, 2018 03:53 PM (pZox7)

299 280
But you got the gun, right?
Posted by: Ignoramus at August 19, 2018 03:46 PM (1UZdv)
----------------------

Okay, okay.
That is semi-funny.

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at August 19, 2018 03:54 PM (0jtPF)

300

Speaking of getting kidnapped, dog-theft is on the rise.

So Be Aware.

These rotten dog thieves use the stolen dogs for fighting or, even worse, for bait/training.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:54 PM (HkNlg)

301 298 As others have noted, as a very young boy, I sometimes saw a shadowy figure in my bedroom at night. I just rolled over in bed and like a good Catholic boy, said prayer after prayer, hoping I wouldn't be killed.

Decades later, four of my brothers said they had seen the same thing at different points in their lives...

True as shit.
Posted by: GuyfromNH at August 19, 2018 03:53 PM (pZox7)

Damn. Maybe there's something to this after all.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:54 PM (NWiLs)

302 I'm allergic to pine pollen and bought a pine tree farm.

The End.

Posted by: Weasel at August 19, 2018 03:55 PM (MVjcR)

303 I fear I am, so far, alone in counter-attacking. Around me I see only people strangely unconcerned about this relentless relativistic cannonade. I exhort them all to arm themselves with knowledge of the threat, particle detectors, weapons to return fire, and courage to squarely face the foe, as have I."

Had a pal who lived in a trailor park, heavily wooded area. One night at about 2 am everybody was woken up by the sound of 6 shots from .357 magnum, right in the middle of the place. They all ran out, and were met with the sight of an extremely large and dishevelled looking man wearing only his boxers, holding the smoking gun in his hand, starting up at the tree above him.

"Gawdamm Squirrels keep throwing nuts at my roof! I told 'em they better quit and they didn't!!!" was all he said.

Posted by: Tom Servo at August 19, 2018 03:55 PM (V2Yro)

304 My late wife was chronically late for every event she ever tried to attend. Late for work, late for dinner dates, birthday parties, church, you name it. Honestly, it was a great source of friction for us for decades as I am a punctual man.

When she passed, I had the funeral home that my high school buddy ran with his father attend to her and the services.

The day of the service my buddy sent the limo to fetch me early and I rode to the funeral home. When I arrived, my buddy meets me at the door, says the appropriate things, and asks me to come to his office. He had a pained look on his face so I thought, hmmmm, somethings up. He told me that they had worked on her for two straight days and there were a number of things that had gone very badly and even with all his years experience took much longer than usual. He added that they got all the issues worked out but as a consequence of the troubles, he absolutely had to delay the service for two hours from the appointed time.

Yes friends, my wife was late to her own funeral.

True story.

Posted by: Tonypete at August 19, 2018 03:55 PM (9rIkM)

305 Many moons ago, back when I was a rookie patrolman and was greener than Aqua Man, I got a radio call to meet a woman involved in a Domestic Dispute out in the parking lot of our local shopping mall. Upon arrival, I contacted the distraught woman and she told me that her husband had locked himself in their pickup truck with their young daughter.

I then talked to the man that was sitting in the driver's seat of the truck. I asked what was going on and he said that his wife was a vampire and she wanted to drink their daughter's blood and he was protecting their daughter. The guy then breaks-off two pieces of the antenna of a portable radio and holds the pieces up in a cross. At that point I thought, WTF? and radioed for the Sargeant to assist me.

Sarge arrives on scene and starts talking to the guy. Sarge asks him how we could proove we weren't vampires and this guys says if we could hold "living wood" and the leaves don't wither and die, then we weren't vampires. So Sarges breaks off a twig from a nearby tree and says, "See? It's living wood. The leaves are still green -- that means we aren't vampires. The guy replies, "OK, you're not vampires but fvkc you, I'm not coming out."

Sarge and I regroup and make a plan: he's going to break-out the passenger door window and grab the girl while I break-out the driver's window and grab the guy. Plan goes off without a hitch and I pull the guy out and stand him up agains the truck. Well ... he starts to topple over to one side and I realize he only has one leg!

We "Pink Slipped" him for mental evaluation and the wife informs us that her husband had been attacked previously by a man weilding a machete and lost his leg in the attack. Ever since the attack, her husband had been mentall ill.

This is not a tall tale; it really happened exactly as I have written the account.

Posted by: Retired Buckeye Cop is now an engineer at August 19, 2018 03:55 PM (5Yee7)

306 I was at a mall and went to leave. I got into a black Murano and the key didn't fit in the starter.

I looked around and my briefcase was missing from the front seat. I panicked and then realized I was in someone else's black Murano.

Posted by: Adirondack Patriot


There are only so many ways to cut a key. Number of teeth times number of different depths for each tooth. For a car key? That might only be a four-digit number. Five, if you're lucky.

A friend of my mother's had keys that both opened AND started a car the same make/model/color as hers.

She didn't notice she was driving the wrong car until she looked in the rear-view mirror and saw a kid's stuffed animal on the rear window ledge. I think she was able to get the same parking spot, so the real owner may have never known.

I would have backed it in, instead, to add a bit of surrealism to someone's life.

Posted by: mikeski at August 19, 2018 03:56 PM (P1f+c)

307 After working skinning buffalo for the AZ Game and Fish in 1976 at their annual buffalo hunt, I left with only a quick hand wash. My jeans were caked with blodd, there was dried blood on my boots and arms, and probably some streaks on my face.

Just outside Winona AZ on old Rt. 66, I burned up a rear wheel bearing in my 62 Ford Falcon. I removed the axle with a box end wrench, and started thumbing my way to Flagstaff to get a bearing.

This was unsuccessful.

No one would stop for a big 20 year kid, covered in blood, and carrying a long iron bar.

Until the Coconino County Sheriff pulled over.

He was unamused by my demeanor, accoutrements, and general serial-murderer appearance.

I explained my situation at gunpoint.

After he called the Game Dept. and verified my story, he gave me a lift to Flag, and back again.

I pounded the axle bearing on with a piece of pioe, and drove to Phoenix.

Posted by: retropox at August 19, 2018 03:56 PM (6Li50)

308 24 NTC is for you kids today.

Back in the Cold War, we were finishing up shooting at Grafenwhor. Waiting on the troopsa and NCOs to pack up the Fire Direction Center, we were standing in a small group near the S3's track. All of a sudden, WOMPH! Right in our midst a 155mm projectile landed. It was sticking about half way out of the ground.
Nobody said anything.
Nobody moved.
I quietly reached into my field jacket and pulled out a cigar. I offered one to the battalion commander and the command sergeant major. We lit up and stood there, each waiting for the other to make the first move.
True story.


Posted by: Diogenes

So far so good.

Posted by: Dirks Strewn at August 19, 2018 03:57 PM (IeDO8)

309 *pipe

Posted by: retropox at August 19, 2018 03:57 PM (6Li50)

310 True story: July, 1974, I am on TAD assignment while in the U.S. Navy overseas. I drove a Soviet Army jeep from Africa to Asia. The trip took about 10 minutes. Wise readers will understand how that can be true. . .

Posted by: I Peaked Early at August 19, 2018 03:57 PM (zr3uM)

311 This happened years ago to older NYC rugby players I know.

Randall's Island sits in between Manhattan, Queens and The Bronx on the East River. The rugby field is on a tilted hill, so that a long kick can roll and roll right down into the river.

Which it did one day, so that the fullback found a floater.

I thought it'd make the best cold open for the old Law & Order.

Posted by: Ignoramus at August 19, 2018 03:58 PM (1UZdv)

312
True story:
Some lady tried to steal our dog. Dad just happened to be driving home and saw the lady put a dog in her car (near our house) so Dad followed her, and then forced her to pull over. Sure enough it was Karl Kleiner, our little Schnauzer!

Dad said she a few dog collars in her car...

Dad, who could be very scary, scared the shit outta her and let her go.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:58 PM (HkNlg)

313 These rotten dog thieves use the stolen dogs for fighting or, even worse, for bait/training.
Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 03:54 PM (HkNlg

That's been happening in Detroit for years. When I used to live close to Detroit i was always irrationally afraid that would happen to my dog.

Posted by: clutch at August 19, 2018 03:58 PM (kiSdp)

314 302 I'm allergic to pine pollen and bought a pine tree farm.

The End.
Posted by: Weasel at August 19, 2018 03:55 PM (MVjcR)
-----------------------------
Oh, c'mon, Weasel.
The story is supposed to be true or at least credible.

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at August 19, 2018 03:58 PM (0jtPF)

315 "an extremely large and dishevelled looking man wearing only his boxers, holding the smoking gun in his hand, starting up at the tree above him." Such a man is fully prepared to fulfill his Earth Defense duty. Godspeed, Trailer-Man!

Posted by: Cosmic-Ray Coverup! at August 19, 2018 03:58 PM (mk9aG)

316 I don't understand the point of this thread. Posted by: Brian Williams

Wiped. Like with a cloth, Brian.

Posted by: Hillary Radium Clinton at August 19, 2018 03:58 PM (Ndje9)

317 With all the stupid crap I did when I was young and drunk (sometimes sober). Looking back I am lucky to be here to comment on this thread.

Posted by: X-ray at August 19, 2018 03:59 PM (kG2lj)

318 Any alien abductions reported here yet? If not, I claim alien abductions.

Posted by: Weasel at August 19, 2018 03:59 PM (MVjcR)

319 Lost Spanish city found. In Kansas!

https://lat.ms/2wgWF5I

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 19, 2018 03:59 PM (+y/Ru)

320
Shadowy figure, checking on children late at night? It was only when I woke up one night, with the burglar alarm blaring, standing outside of my front door that I realized I sometimes walk in my sleep.

I could swear on a Bible I don't do such a thing, but the evidence was pretty convincing.

Posted by: Forgot My Nic at August 19, 2018 03:59 PM (LOgQ4)

321 When I was in college a buddy and I decided to take a road trip to Middlebury College for their Winter Carnival. It's actually a pretty cool event with lots of parties and ski racing and general winter fun and games.

We brought sports coats in case we needed them to get into some of the parties but it was all pretty casual partying. Well we got bored and decided it would be a great idea to tell the kids at the various parties that we were potato farmers from Skowhegan Maine and we were working a deal with the college to buy the land the college was on and plant potatoes. We would leave the buildings and let the college continue but every other square inch was going into potatoes.

We were there age, dressed in blue jeans and sports coats and at least as drunk as anyone there but almost to a person they bought it and were horrified. They spent hours arguing with us and begging us not to buy the place but we remained firm, it was going to be potatoes all the way down.

I think we traumatized a few coeds. I like to think so anyway.

Posted by: JackStraw at August 19, 2018 03:59 PM (/tuJf)

322 Passing by, had to stop to read some.

A friend and I saw a UFO about Midnight, July 4, 1976.

Not that interesting. Too long to type out on the cell.

But he had just been telling how his brother and friends had been chased through countryside in Arkansas a few days earlier by a UFO.

Ours didn't chase us. Just flew by. Slowly. No noise except in the quiet night we could hear the whoosh of it thru the air...

Posted by: mindful webworker's cell at August 19, 2018 04:00 PM (utimh)

323 "OK, you're not vampires but fvkc you, I'm not coming out." I LOLed!

Posted by: gp at August 19, 2018 04:00 PM (mk9aG)

324

It was a weather balloon.

Posted by: US Air Force at August 19, 2018 04:00 PM (HkNlg)

325 Whoever tells the best true one that sounds ridiculously farfetched

Hillary Clinton will never be President of the United States.

Posted by: The Horde at August 19, 2018 04:00 PM (czQnf)

326 189 When I was a child, I would sometimes see a dark, swirling mist in the shadows of the hallway at my house. It felt menacing and sinister. Sometimes I would have recurring nightmares of a dark and shadowy figure standing over my bed. I chalked it up to over active imagination, until years later I started talking about it for some reason and my brother confessed he'd witnessed the same things.
Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 03:20 PM (NWiLs)


Well, that's super creepy. Did you ever research the history of your house or the land to see if anything bad had occurred there?

Of course, you could have made this story up since that is the kind of thread we are doing.

Crap, I just remembered my dream from last night. I thought I was in church, but there were signs of evil things around...but my vision was blocked, so I couldn't see everything. Suddenly, I could. Then I realized I was at some evil type of church gathering that was worshipping something evil. I ran, and this guy started pursuing me in a purple porsche with black detailing. Then I thought, these guys are all such shysters...stealing people's money.

Based on stuff I read this week, it is easy for me to see where this dream came from.

Posted by: platypus, gumdrop gorilla channel at August 19, 2018 04:01 PM (WEFox)

327 Insomniac.. not the only time I had a close call. Two other times in my life it was God or whatever someones version of that might be, that practically screamed in my ear DON'T DO THAT! Both times.. if I hadn't listened I have no doubt I would not be here right now.

Posted by: Jewells45 at August 19, 2018 04:01 PM (dUJdY)

328 One night back in the late 60s after a night of drinking driving thru SW Philly smoking some fine weed when a cop pulled up behind us.

I'm panicking and my friend just keeps on driving.

FINALLY the cop took a turn.

Whew.

"I have paranoid delusions running thru my head !" I said.

My buddy said, "That's funny, I have gas."

Posted by: TANSTAAFL at August 19, 2018 04:01 PM (T09ml)

329 Posted by: mindful webworker's cell at August 19, 2018 04:00 PM (utimh)
-----
Please see #318.

Posted by: Weasel at August 19, 2018 04:01 PM (MVjcR)

330 FOOD NOOD

Posted by: Skip at August 19, 2018 04:01 PM (lxZ71)

331 Freshman year at college, living in the dorm. We had a pretty tight group on the floor I lived on that regularly partied together so everyone knew each other pretty well. Not far from campus is the Noxubee National Wildlife Refuge, which back then was a popular place to bruise around and consume adult beverages and other substances due to the isolation.

One night a pair of roommates from our floor are out riding around the refuge and drinking (heavily) when they see a buck standing in a ditch along the side of the road. This is where I mention two details: both of the guys are Cajun, and the truck they're in is an Izuzu Pup with a brushguard.
The guy in the passenger seat looks at his roommate behind the wheel and simply says, "You ain't got a hair on your ass, you don't hit that deer."
At about 1:30AM they're rolling down the hall in the dorm banging on doors and yelling, "Hey, y'all help us come butcher this deer!"
Our dorm had communal showers on each floor with six shower stalls. So about ten of us brought the carcass in from the truck, hung it up in one of the stalls, and proceeded to butcher the deer. The meat was divvied up amongst everyone with space in their dorm room mini-fridges.
The look on the janitor's face the next morning was priceless. I walked into the shower room and he was standing there with a bewildered look, obviously wondering if he should call campus security because of all the blood everywhere in one of the stalls. We told him what happened, gave him some backstrap, and that was the end of the Great Connass Deer Caper.

Posted by: Bert G at August 19, 2018 04:02 PM (yzxic)

332 until years later I started talking about it for some reason and my brother confessed he'd witnessed the same things.

Holy crap.

Posted by: Jewells45 at August 19, 2018 04:03 PM (dUJdY)

333 True story: July, 1974, I am on TAD assignment while
in the U.S. Navy overseas. I drove a Soviet Army jeep from Africa to
Asia. The trip took about 10 minutes. Wise readers will understand how
that can be true. . .


Posted by: I Peaked Early at August 19, 2018 03:57 PM (zr3uM)

You drove across the Suez Canal? That small section of Asia was occupied by Israel at that time, I think.

Posted by: Mark1971 at August 19, 2018 04:03 PM (xPl2J)

334 This movie trailer seems over the top but I'll probably see it because I've got the warbird monkey on my back.?

https://youtu.be/vJkz1pEBqf8

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 19, 2018 04:06 PM (+y/Ru)

335 We handed over all the emails.

Posted by: The DOJ at August 19, 2018 04:07 PM (n6bs1)

336 Based on stuff I read this week, it is easy for me to see where this dream came from.

Oh easily, you dreamed you were at a DNC board meeting.

Posted by: Tom Servo at August 19, 2018 04:08 PM (V2Yro)

337 True story: July, 1974, I am on TAD assignment while
in the U.S. Navy overseas. I drove a Soviet Army jeep from Africa to
Asia. The trip took about 10 minutes. Wise readers will understand how
that can be true. . .


Posted by: I Peaked Early at August 19, 2018 03:57 PM (zr3uM)

First, we must start with the understanding that "TAD" is an acronym that stands for "Traveling Around Drunk". Then the rest makes perfect sense.

Posted by: Bert G at August 19, 2018 04:09 PM (yzxic)

338 I'll tell a little romantic vignette:
When I was working as a bouncer at a topless bar one of our dancers was a substitute dancer for the Houston Ballet. If somebody in the Corps got sick or injured or went on vacation they called her up to dance with the company. There are only so many slots for professional dancers, and when you have spent your whole life in dance and are right on the edge of being good enough - how do you support yourself? For her, dance was dance, a chance to perform on stage and hear the applause of the audience.
The girls would do two dances in each set - only the second one was topless. When I would hear her name called to the stage I would always go in and watch her dance her first dance. Since she knew I was watching she would always put a little ballet into her performance. She knew I would see it - even if no one else did. Then I would walk back outside into the empty dark, to let her dance for the customers.

Posted by: An Observation at August 19, 2018 04:10 PM (le57Z)

339 Well thanks for this thread! It gave me a chance to post some stuff that I was _sure_ wasn't good enough for the ONT. Tough crowd!

Posted by: gp at August 19, 2018 04:10 PM (mk9aG)

340 "OK, you're not vampires but fvkc you, I'm not coming out." I LOLed!
Posted by: gp at August 19, 2018 04:00 PM (mk9aG)


I tell that story to the young engineers that I now work with and it is pretty funny in retrospect. I hadn't been on the force for a year when it happened to me and at the time I was just following the Sergeant's lead.

Posted by: Retired Buckeye Cop is now an engineer at August 19, 2018 04:10 PM (5Yee7)

341 Of course, you could have made this story up since that is the kind of thread we are doing.

Posted by: platypus, gumdrop gorilla channel at August 19, 2018 04:01 PM (WEFox)

Nope. 100% no bullshit.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 04:11 PM (NWiLs)

342 Way back in the early 80's before we were a police state, cop often were lenient and would just let you go for things that today would land you in jail and ruin your life. One time, me and a couple of buddies were headed to Grateful Dead concert somewhere around Madison, WI, after driving from a massive party in Chicago the day before. Were were high on all sorts of things and had a small keg in the car we were working on as well. We were competently lost and my friend driving drunk, high and weaving. Cop pulls us over and asks where we were going and what was the problem We explained we were going to the Dead concert and completely lost. Cop actually gave us directions, a firm bitching out and as he was getting ready to walk away said in a strict voice:

"Oh, and untap that damned keg until you get to the concert. Please drive safley."

Posted by: Ripley at August 19, 2018 04:12 PM (MxEKc)

343 First, we must start with the understanding that "TAD" is an acronym that stands for "Traveling Around Drunk". Then the rest makes perfect sense.

There was a time back in College when me and some pals were on spring break and bar hopping in McAllen, Texas, and it wasn't until we saw a truckload of Federales with M-16's (luckily they weren't interested in us) that we realized that somehow we'd crossed the border. Well that, and suddenly all the roads were mud and there was a pig rooting around in the middle of an intersection.

Border security back then wasn't what it is now.

Posted by: Tom Servo at August 19, 2018 04:12 PM (V2Yro)

344 I was once refused service at a LBQGT bakery because no one could bake a fucking CAKE!!!

Posted by: saf at August 19, 2018 04:14 PM (5IHGB)

345 341 Of course, you could have made this story up since that is the kind of thread we are doing.

Posted by: platypus, gumdrop gorilla channel at August 19, 2018 04:01 PM (WEFox)

Nope. 100% no bullshit.
Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 04:11 PM (NWiLs)


Just wanted to be sure. I believe you. I've experienced too many things to doubt it. You should research your house history...see if something bad occurred there.

Posted by: platypus, gumdrop gorilla channel at August 19, 2018 04:15 PM (WEFox)

346 I could tell you an incredible true story that would win those steak knives. But then I'd have to kill you. All of you. And I don't have the time.

Posted by: hepcat at August 19, 2018 04:15 PM (5b+Sr)

347 I was attending college in Brainerd MN. And was going to meet up with family for deer hunting. My friends car breaks down so I am hitch hiking with a rifle in a soft case and an army surplus duffel bag. Was sure I wasn't going to get a ride. Right away a guy and his son pick me up but aren't going the full distance. They drop me off at where they needed to turn off the highway. Shortly after another car pulls over to pick me up. I joke how I was surprised anyone would pick up a guy carrying a rifle. The driver opens the center console and pulls out a pistol. And says I wasn't worried about you cased rifle because I have this.

Posted by: X-ray at August 19, 2018 04:16 PM (kG2lj)

348 342 Beer is the life-blood of Wisconsin. I stay away during hunting season.

Posted by: gp at August 19, 2018 04:17 PM (mk9aG)

349 With all the stupid crap I did when I was young and drunk (sometimes sober). Looking back I am lucky to be here to comment on this thread.
Posted by: X-ray at August 19, 2018 03:59 PM (kG2lj)


As I began going through my memories, I thought the exact same thing.

Posted by: platypus, gumdrop gorilla channel at August 19, 2018 04:17 PM (WEFox)

350 This is all true:

The leading cause of death in America is...taking showers!

Here's how (short version):

Leading cause of death in America: heart disease and cardiovascular problems.

Leading cause of cardiovascular problems: Too much cholesterol in the bloodstream.

Until fairly recently is was assumed, mistakenly, then a high-cholesterol diet caused high cholesterol in the bloodstream. But it turns out that's not true -- diet only accounts for about 10% of bloodstream cholesterol.

But then what does cause it?

Well, the whole reason cholesterol exists in one's blood int he first place is to carry it to the tissues, which use the cholesterol to keep supple and bendable and soft. And the largest organ in your body, and by far the largest user of cholesterol, is you skin.

Your body converts the cholesterol to sebum, the oily coating on your skin, which keeps it supply, fends off infections, etc. etc. Without sebum, your skin would crack little brittle paper, you'd get infections and quickly dies.

But where does the other 90% of the cholesterol in your blood come from? It comes from your liver, which produces it naturally for this purpose.

Since sebum is oily, it does not come off much in day-to-day living -- at least for the last few million years. But the invention of soap, and the invention of running water and showers, allowed for the first time a new concept in human history: hot showers with soapy water.

As good as this may feel to do, it actually causes a major crisis in the body each time you do it: Using hot soapy water over your entire skin surface washes of ALL the sebum ALL AT ONCE, which causes you liver to go into overdrive to produce as much cholesterol as possible, which is pumps into the bloodstream,w here it is carried to the skin to make new sebum.

But then 24 or 48 72 hours later, you do it again -- another hot shower! And once again the liver goes into overdrive and make a massive amount of new cholesterol to replace all the stuff you washed off.

The end result of the 20th-century lifestyle is that your liver is ALWAYS in panic mode, ALWAYS pverproducing cholesterol, and thus your blood is ALWAYS overloaded with cholesterol -- which over time starts to clog up the arteries, cause heart attack and strokes, etc. etc.

All of this has by now been pretty much proven with all sorts of studies and experiments. But to no avail: medical scientists simply can't convince everyone to stop taking hot showers with soap. Ain't gonna happen.

So: We actually know the solution to the most pressing medical problem, but it's so socially unacceptable, no one would ever agree to do it!

Posted by: zombie at August 19, 2018 04:18 PM (c+2jX)

351 Barack Obama is a Lightworker.

Posted by: Chrissy Matthews at August 19, 2018 04:18 PM (5b+Sr)

352
Unbroken
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrjJbl7kRrI

Posted by: Skandia Recluse at August 19, 2018 04:18 PM (XeN7w)

353 Ace's Phas3 shelves will be rated at 350 lbs. capacity each.

Posted by: Duncanthrax at August 19, 2018 04:19 PM (DMUuz)

354 Remarkably, those are the only conversations that we don't have on tape...

Posted by: Bob @ NSA at August 19, 2018 04:20 PM (9uM40)

355 Just wanted to be sure. I believe you. I've experienced too many things to doubt it. You should research your house history...see if something bad occurred there.
Posted by: platypus, gumdrop gorilla channel at August 19, 2018 04:15 PM (WEFox)

I've thought about that but probably wouldn't be worth the effort.

Posted by: Insomniac at August 19, 2018 04:21 PM (NWiLs)

356 Back in the summer of '80, me and my platoon o' Dragon gunners from Weps Co 2/4, blew up a demolitions range.

Destroyed it. Killed it dead.

We were surprised that the brass was surprised. What did they think was gonna happen when a 6x6 loaded to the max with demo is left for a bunch of grunts, with no adult supervision?

Posted by: Pugmak at August 19, 2018 04:22 PM (k6WlL)

357 Back in 78 or 79 I was working as a bike meseenger in NYC. One day going down 35th Street I passed Liz Taylor coming out of Macy's with a bunch of shopping bags. I darn near fell off my bike. She just gave me a funny look and laughed.

Posted by: JimK at August 19, 2018 04:23 PM (uAlm4)

358 I'm lucky to be here, tapping on this phone. I could have died when I was 4.

See, I grew up on a farm, and I loved going out with Dad. (At that age I didn't have to work.)

One day, Dad was towing the bush hog -- what folks in other areas call a brush chopper -- and I was riding on its PTO gearbox. The chopper wasn't running; Dad is no fool.

As Dad drove over a terrace, I tumbled onto the ground in front of the chopper's left wheel. I still remember seeing that wheel roll over my midsection. Surely I screamed, because Dad looked back and saw me lying there. He hustled me 10 miles to the hospital, where I stayed overnight. The diagnosis: no permanent damage.

However (and this comes from Mom), a guy in the next room was suffering from multiple wasp stings. He carried on so that after I was discharged, I never again wanted to go outdoors if it were possible for me to stay indoors. Thus, a farm boy became a committed bibliophile.

Posted by: Weak Geek at August 19, 2018 04:24 PM (wDrsJ)

359 Wow.

Great thread.

Sorry I missed it.

Posted by: JT at August 19, 2018 04:24 PM (kknE9)

360 I met the Vikings running back Adrian Peterson three times and hung out with him once. On my 21st I drank with Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer and Joe Nathan. Those guys were super nice and wouldn't let me pay for anything.
I also almost got murdered at a strip club for inadvertently getting this broad kicked out who was paying for lap dances. I got over 20 dances that night paid for by her.
And Insomniac? My mother, may she RIP, and my father to THIS day said they saw a shadow person AT THE SAME TIME moving across their doorway. The shadow person looked at them, turned and glided into my bedroom. My pops ran to my room finding nothing but me wrapped in my blanket like a burrito.

Posted by: thathalfrican - GOOD at August 19, 2018 04:25 PM (IYHxL)

361 I just read the story from the UK about Stormy Daniels and the Big Brother Celebrity fiasco - as in that is a VERY funny story, where everyone involved gets what they truly deserve.

Posted by: Tom Servo at August 19, 2018 04:26 PM (V2Yro)

362 Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 19, 2018 03:39 PM (r+sAi)

LMFAO

Posted by: Mega at August 19, 2018 04:27 PM (uEbPt)

363
361 I just read the story from the UK about Stormy Daniels and the Big Brother Celebrity fiasco - as in that is a VERY funny story, where everyone involved gets what they truly deserve.

Posted by: Tom Servo at August 19, 2018 04:26 PM (V2Yro)



Link?

Posted by: buzzion at August 19, 2018 04:28 PM (cAnNx)

364 Wow.

Great thread.

Sorry I missed it.
Posted by: JT at August 19, 2018 04:24 PM (kknE9)

Me too...arrived at the tail end. I'm still reading the stories.

Posted by: platypus, gumdrop gorilla channel at August 19, 2018 04:29 PM (WEFox)

365
Oh, that helps.
Posted by: SMH - Get right or get left at August 19, 2018 03:50 PM (ZCD4H)

I'm sorry, but it's true. All that inner pain makes them ignore the harm they cause others.

Like that guy who stole an airplane last week.
Or any of those people who throw themselves in front of a train - the train conductor and engineer can only watch helplessly.

Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at August 19, 2018 04:31 PM (CE6iV)

366 I was sitting in a bar in Minneapolis a couple of decades ago, looked
over, and Tom Clancy was sitting with a blond bombshell at a table. I
did a double-take and the bartendress laughed and said, "yes, it is and
he'd prefer to be left alone."
--------------------------------------

Oddly enough, and I am not shitting you... in 2013, of all thing I had a dream I met Tom Clancy in a restaurant. It was very vivid. I realized at the time that I was dreaming because I said to him, "I know I can' t be meeting you, you're dead."
I woke up and told wifey about it.

The only thing is it was September 2013 and Tom Clancy was very much alive. He died two weeks later.

Posted by: Mega at August 19, 2018 04:32 PM (uEbPt)

367 Stormy Daniels story from the Daily Mail (UK)

https://tinyurl.com/yc9vd5mf

Posted by: Tom Servo at August 19, 2018 04:32 PM (V2Yro)

368 Zombie.. a doctor told me years ago to only wash my privates with soap and water every day. Leave the rest of the body alone. Just let the water run over it. Maybe once a week give yourself a nice soapy shower.

Posted by: Jewells45 at August 19, 2018 04:33 PM (dUJdY)

369 Posted by: votermom pimping NEW Moron-authored books! at August 19, 2018 03:43 PM (CE6iV)

There is absolutely something to this. Again my parents would swear on this story; As super young lad 3 or 4 years old my mom heard me talking in my room and assumed I was playing and pretending. I told my mom I was talking to my grandma who lived in the big house with lots of people and that her favorite food was egg noodles. Well my moms mom and grandmother were alive and asked if it was one of them, I said no and repeated the story.
When my dad got home my mom told him the story, he phoned up his father and asked him if his late mom/my grandma liked egg noodles. His father responded with "Oh your mother LOVED egg noodles!" apparently my dad went white because she died before I was born and there was no way I could have known that.

Posted by: thathalfrican - GOOD at August 19, 2018 04:34 PM (IYHxL)

370 You would not believe the stories I could tell.

That's why they call me 'bad luck' in Engrish.

Posted by: yùn qì bù hǎo at August 19, 2018 04:35 PM (I9Sw7)

371 I don't get Stormy Daniels.

But Karen McDougal, yowzaa!

Posted by: Ignoramus at August 19, 2018 04:35 PM (1UZdv)

372 I once went shooting with Gary Coleman and his blind girlfriend. True story....I was at a now defunct outdoor range in Tucson, I was in the attached gunshop, and in stomps Coleman toting a suppressed sub machine gun. He was pissed cause it kept jamming. Eventually, back on the firing line, he asked to try my Remington copy .44, as he had never shot blackpowder before. I also helped his blind girlfriend shoot it....once. They were in Tucson doing some sort of animation for a video game company in Tucson, Running with Scissors. God's truth. I have video somewhere.

Posted by: jasonj at August 19, 2018 04:36 PM (LxKAY)

373 Tom Clancey wrote a book RAINBOW SIX its all about radical enviromentalists lead bya wealthy Eco-Wacko wanting to come up witha virus to wipe out all humans and watching the rewiling of the earth froma special enclosuer

Posted by: Spurwing Plover at August 19, 2018 04:38 PM (FLiOE)

374 Mrs. Burton and I met in Okinawa as young sailors in '73 when the military finally allowed women service members to be stationed there for duty. We were the second Navy couple to get married on the island, having just missed being first by two weeks. We would have been the first except that she had a terrible dislocation of her left kneecap and we had to delay the wedding for four weeks... which leads to the following sea story (of which every word is true, I swear).

We were attached to the Naval Security Group Activity at Hanza, on Torii Station Army Base. It was a month before we were due to get married and we were still living in the barracks. The navy had its own barracks for the men, but because there were only about five Navy WAVES on base they were billeted in the WAC shack (open bay style).

An apartment opened up unexpectedly when a shipmate got orders to ship off the island with 72 hours notice. We jumped on the apartment, and also bought his entire furnishings sight unseen. We went over late at night to inventory and were moving some of the furniture around.

Joan had a weak knee that she had dislocated several months earlier in boot camp, and while lifting the sofa it gave way again and twisted completely around to the other side of her leg. I ran out to start the car, but it wouldn't start. I hailed a passing cabbie to take us to the Army hospital.

When we got to the hospital they couldn't find the one person on the island who was qualified to put a cast on... and he wasn't answering his pager. By this time it was about one in the morning. They told Joan to just go home and they would fix her knee the next day. We were young and stupid so instead of putting up a fight and demanding a bed in the hospital, I called the duty officer and had them come to get us (fortunately it was her immediate supervisor).

We went back to the WAC shack and there was no way in the world that she could walk. Her knee was swollen to the size of a basketball. I went into the duty room and told the WAC duty sergeant what happened, and that Joan couldn't walk to her bunk. She said it was cool, that everyone was asleep and that I could carry her inside. She would go with us to make sure everything was okay. (Joan was looked upon as a kid sister by all the hard-bitten WACs. She was very sweet and innocent in those earlier days.)

I was carrying her in a cradle carry, and when I got to her bunk (open bay, remember) I swung her into it... and hit her knee right on the support bar for the upper bunk.

She massively jerked in my arms, and I fell and dropped her on the bunk. My arms were now trapped under her, I'm on my knees on the side of the bunk, and my nose is buried in her stomach. She's now moaning (loudly) "Oh, it hurts, it hurts so bad, why'd you do that," while thrashing back and forth on the bunk, and I'm going "Oh, I didn't mean it" over and over while trying to pry my arms out from underneath her along with ignoring what now felt like two broken kneecaps of my own.

In about ten seconds I was surrounded by over 100 WACs in various stages of night dress (and undress), with half of them with very nasty looking, sharp pointy items in their hands. The duty WAC was laughing so hard she couldn't pull herself together to explain what was going on.

I survived, which is why I am able to now tell the story, but if anyone asks, I can honestly say that I have seen the elephant(s) and it doesn't look pretty.

She got out after three active years, I did five active, and we both spent the next twenty in the USNR. If you ever meet Mrs. Burton please don't tell her that I told you the story. She is a little sensitive about it even after 45 years.

Posted by: Jack Burton at August 19, 2018 04:39 PM (A4zoG)

375 Posted by: Spurwing Plover at August 19, 2018 04:38 PM (FLiOE)

I wonder if the original games represented that story?

Posted by: thathalfrican - GOOD at August 19, 2018 04:40 PM (IYHxL)

376 Greetings:

So, I'm in the checkout line at the local Safeway supermarket and the woman ahead of me has the whole conveyor covered with her groceries and there's not a piece of meat in sight.

So, I give Joe, the checker, the high sign and say, "You know, Safeway should have a separate checkout line for vegetarians.". The woman turns toward me and gives up a kind of half-smile.

So, I continue, "That way I wouldn't have to worry about their vegetables touching my meat.".

Posted by: 11B40 at August 19, 2018 04:40 PM (evgyj)

377 367 Stormy Daniels story from the Daily Mail (UK)

https://tinyurl.com/yc9vd5mf

Posted by: Tom Servo at August 19, 2018 04:32 PM (V2Yro)



Now that's funny. And yeah All are getting what they deserve. Honestly it seems like the stuff about the sets on the show they had made would have been mentioned in the negotiations.

Posted by: buzzion at August 19, 2018 04:40 PM (cAnNx)

378 What wonderful stories!

Posted by: Brad Chadlee Jr. at August 19, 2018 04:41 PM (I9Sw7)

379 While attending the funeral of our beloved neighbors' Grandma, we followed her casket outside to the awaiting hearse only to see a dry spot on the pavement where the hearse HAD been. It had been sleeting and the driver had left it running while he ducked inside the church to get warm. Who the hell steals a hearse outside a funeral? A dude named Omar, apparently. He was busted a few hundred miles away for stealing a hamburger while driving the stolen hearse. Asshole took Grandma V's last ride. I have no doubt she prays for him.

Posted by: Lurketta DuBois at August 19, 2018 04:46 PM (fuWEF)

380 While working at a search engine directory, my fellow workers and I invented a new corporation. We called it: eVil. Everything back then was a small "e" before a word. We were very proud.

Posted by: sally at August 19, 2018 04:49 PM (sBDDH)

381 Dad has a picture of John B Salling on his wall, it is a picture of a very old man in a fancy Confederate tunic in front of the Confederate Battle flag.

Dad had been a reporter at a base in Alexandria VA when he was in the Army in the late 50's, and there had been a report that one of the last three Confederate vets, John Salling, was turning 112 and had told a reporter that he didn't have his uniform anymore, and this caused him some distress.

Some of the WACs at the Pentagon, on hearing this, decided to sew him up a replica of Robert E Lee's tunic, and got a public affairs guy, my dad as a reporter, a photographer, and I think one of the WACs who did the sewing, to go down to Slant VA to present it to him.
Dad had gotten the word that Mr Salling would pay more attention if he was brought a bottle of something, and so they stopped and bought him a pint of peach brandy on the way. (Dad's comment was that Mr Salling put the first drink down very handily)

The drove down, up some very tough back roads, and spoke with him and presented him the tunic, took a picture and thanked him for his time.

Mr Salling was buried in it a few years later, dad heard of it in the news.

Dad says they stopped and spoke to the editor of the local paper when there, and the editor mentioned that there was some doubt about Mr Salling's claim. In the 1890's the Virginia legislature enacted a veteran's benefit for Confederate veterans, and if the papers were not available, all that was needed was for the vet and two other men who had been proved to be vets to swear an oath. Dad said that he was told that at that time every old guy came out to swear that oath.

The editor had told him that he figured Mr Salling was only 108.

Posted by: Kindltot at August 19, 2018 04:49 PM (2K6fY)

382 The guy that played Boy in the old Tarzan series lives around the corner from my cousin in Chula Vista.

Posted by: sally at August 19, 2018 04:50 PM (sBDDH)

383 Posted by: Lurketta DuBois at August 19, 2018 04:46 PM (fuWEF)

OMG!!

Posted by: Jewells45 at August 19, 2018 04:55 PM (dUJdY)

384 I once tried to give mouth to mouth resuscitation to my cat, who my dogs had gotten ahold of.

Posted by: doomed at August 19, 2018 04:57 PM (w6Y4b)

385
Oddly enough, and I am not shitting you... in
2013, of all thing I had a dream I met Tom Clancy in a restaurant. It
was very vivid. I realized at the time that I was dreaming because I
said to him, "I know I can' t be meeting you, you're dead."
I woke up and told wifey about it.

The only thing is it was September 2013 and Tom Clancy was very much alive. He died two weeks later.


Posted by: Mega at August 19, 2018 04:32 PM (uEbPt)

I met Tom Clancy in a restaurant bathroom years ago when he was hosting his daughter's rehearsal party. I said "having a group dinner" and he said "no having a rehearsal dinner for my daughter and the idiot she is marrying"

Posted by: Timon at August 19, 2018 04:57 PM (h3t5U)

386 "All your stuff belong to me....." Bob...sorry I was just pissed that y'all wouldn't give me ANY STUFF and I hate smoking a pipe....crying ....like a girlie man now.
You can retrieve your stuff by sending a $100 bankers check to Saf-enomics Belonging Co. 125078.

Posted by: saf at August 19, 2018 04:57 PM (5IHGB)

387 I dropped my darling daughter off at her freshman dorm at Indiana University in Bloomington a few years ago; as I was driving off, I yelled out the window: "Sweetie, don't let those professors brainwash you!" And she saluted me and called back: "Don't worry, Mother, you already have!"

Posted by: AgathaPagatha at August 19, 2018 05:01 PM (xDMjB)

388 @Diogenes at 115
You don't know Ingelise.

Posted by: AytchMan at August 19, 2018 05:10 PM (AEtcC)

389 When I was young I worked in the Gulf as a roustabout on an oil rig. One day we were loading the boat up with around six big Ingersoll-Rand air-compressors. As the crane lowered them down the 90 feet to the boat, me and John Satterfield had to basically get underneath them, and push them into position.

We'd done a few, and as we walked toward the next one I felt a hand, five fingers and a palm, in my chest as if to hold me back, and a voice said to me as clear as day, "Don't go near this one, there's something wrong." So I reached out my hand and stopped Satterfield, repeating the words that were spoken to me.

About that time one of the cables let go and the compressor swung in a lazy arc downwards, the force snapping the other eyelet. The entire assembly fell twenty feet and punched a nice hole in the plate steel deck as it bounced into the Gulf.

As you might imagine, Satterfield stared at me with a surprised look on his face. I mumbled something incoherent about 'a voice', and left it at that. The question I am left with after all these years is, why? Why would God take time out of his busy schedule to save a dissolute wastrel like me?

Odd, that.

Posted by: Mr. W at August 19, 2018 05:10 PM (aR6p7)

390 Posted by: AgathaPagatha at August 19, 2018 05:01 PM (xDMjB)

LMAO!!

Posted by: Jewells45 at August 19, 2018 05:15 PM (dUJdY)

391 I met Tom Clancy in a restaurant bathroom years ago when he was hosting his daughter's rehearsal party. I said "having a group dinner" and he said "no having a rehearsal dinner for my daughter and the idiot she is marrying"
Posted by: Timon at August 19, 2018 04:57 PM (h3t5U)

LOL That dude must have spent a lot of time in restaurants.

Posted by: Mega at August 19, 2018 05:16 PM (uEbPt)

392 I was 3 years old and standing in the back of a 57 ford car and my dad T boned another car. I Flew between my dad and mom broke threw the windshield with my head and body. Landing in the ditch across the road. True story ... I have scares to prove it.

Posted by: Yep at August 19, 2018 05:20 PM (shvYT)

393 I have "scares" from many a defenestration whateffer that is.......I now use airbags for butt enhancers and boob jobs for GF's......safe sex baybee.

Posted by: saf at August 19, 2018 05:27 PM (5IHGB)

394 Posted by: Yep at August 19, 2018 05:20 PM (shvYT)


Years ago, eldest son hit a buck that ran into the road suddenly. The buck came through the windshield headfirst between son and his wife. The tip of one antler just grazed my grand-daughter in the back seat leaving a slight scar on her chin which she has to this day. An inch either way, or another MPH at impact and she'd have been dead or severely injured!

Posted by: Hrothgar Bot at August 19, 2018 05:29 PM (n9EOP)

395 I shook hands with Larry Fine in 1962. True story!

Posted by: LarryFineHandShaker at August 19, 2018 05:36 PM (rOZLf)

396 The look on the janitor's face the next morning was priceless. I walked into the shower room and he was standing there with a bewildered look, obviously wondering if he should call campus security because of all the blood everywhere in one of the stalls. We told him what happened, gave him some backstrap, and that was the end of the Great Connass Deer Caper.
Posted by: Bert G at August 19, 2018 04:02 PM (yzxic)

--------------------------

I was living in Colorado Springs just outside of Fort Carson when a bunch of Army guys decided to hunt some deer with the .50 mounted on the jeep. If memory serves, they got a few deer and got a court-martial or two.

Posted by: Blake - used bridge salesman at August 19, 2018 05:48 PM (WEBkv)

397 "what the hell is "dry biscuit mix?"
It's what many a young, recently married lass in the south's turned to when she didn't have a clue how to make biscuits.
"Just Add Buttermilk"

Posted by: Bildo at August 19, 2018 06:02 PM (+Rf4+)

398 Awright -- true story about my best buddy, Bruce (R.I.P.).

G.H.W. Bush, then the VP, was in Tulsa one Saturday night to deliver a speech. Secret Service goes along the motorcade route with sniffer dogs. Bruce's car -- a '60s hand-me-down from his parents -- is parked on the route, which goes past the Tulsa World building. Bruce is inside at work. (Copy editor, like me.)

Car is full of his clothes and other property because he is changing apartments. Trunk also contains road flares.

Dog twigs on flares.

SS breaks into car, opens trunk, glove box, and hood, and drains battery. Leaves everything open with a note of explanation.

It rains.

Bruce comes out onto the street after work, say 1 a.m., to find his car ransacked, doors open, full of wet clothing, and with a dead battery. I think he had to call a cab -- I was visiting my parents that night, so I couldn't take him home.

HE. IS. FURIOUS.

Results:

A 1A story for the World.
A payment to Bruce, after some wrangling.
A story Bruce could repeat -- and laugh at -- for years afterward.
Finally, a decision by Bruce to buy a new car. No more "Berthas" for him!

Posted by: Weak Geek at August 19, 2018 06:02 PM (uY5Ht)

399 I once interrogated Mueller and he squealed like a pig.........then we had bacon sammies.Now I believe in reincarnation.......

Posted by: saf at August 19, 2018 06:11 PM (5IHGB)

400 I was in college and visiting my cousin who lived in Paris. She was in the process of breaking up with her boyfriend and me being there didn't make things any better. She told me their was a bus that would take me to Amsterdam and a few other cities like Brussels and that I should take it for a week and then come back at the end of my Christmas break. I picked Amsterdam at random, I had no idea what happened there, no idea about the drugs or prostitution. Just that Heineken was from Amsterdam and i liked beer.
I got there after a all night bus ride and walked off the bus with my backpack and was greeted by a bum who spoke perfect English. I am not naive about cities since i grew up in Chicago but this guy was a lot smaller than me and since I didn't know my way around I offered to buy him breakfast at McDonald's if he would help me find a hotel and point out some attractions. When we sat down he asked me if I smoked hash and liked prostitutes and that's when I fully realized where I was. He set me up at a cheap hotel that was actually pretty nice and we made plans to meet that night to go to a hash bar. We met and he did all the ordering and rolling of joints. Being the rank amateur that I was I choked like a bitch. I gave him the joints and he said take the small amount of hash in a pack of cigarettes and then we parted. I had a lot of adventures that week but this post would be ten pages long if I documented them all.
Anyway, on the last day I got back on the bus and started back to Paris. At the border we stopped at a police station and they started leading people off the bus. I had no idea what was happening until I saw people walking with their bags into the station. Then it hit me. I had put the pack of cigarettes in my backpack with the hash. This was probably a stop to search our bags for drugs and I was fucked. It came to be my turn and I grabbed my bag. I thought if I got a chance I would rummage through my bag but they lead me into the station and the police officer pointed to the end of a long hall where I saw a bunch of people sitting. I walked to the end of the hall and sat down. Then the next person came in and about ten feet from the sitting area he turned into a room. In that room is where they were searching the bags and I walked right past it. Then I noticed my fellow passengers looking at me sideways and I realized what I had done. We sat there for 1 million years while they searched the rest of the passengers. Then they lead us out of the station. Had us put our bags on the bus. The lurch as that bus pulled away from the station was one of the greatest thrills of my life.
I never found out what was the punishment for drug smuggling into France. I never had the nerve to ask. But I smoked the hell out of that little piece of hash when I got back to school. I definitely earned it.

Posted by: Bill C at August 19, 2018 06:16 PM (HqPBH)

401 clutch - Yea a few more times. We were more friends then anything else by that point.

Posted by: McDirty at August 19, 2018 06:51 PM (HCh/n)

402 McDirty, good for you. It sounds like she deeply regretted her decision.

Posted by: clutch at August 19, 2018 06:55 PM (kiSdp)

403
Paradox Alice - Earth's water supply has turned toxic. We have space travel but no way to purify water so we have to go to Jupiter's moons for water.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jqr-hfamiE&t=41s

Posted by: Brad Chadlee Jr. at August 19, 2018 06:59 PM (I9Sw7)

404 371
I don't get Stormy Daniels.



But Karen McDougal, yowzaa!

Posted by: Ignoramus at August 19, 2018 04:35 PM (1UZdv)

Wheat, chaffe.

Posted by: LeftCoast Dawg at August 19, 2018 07:17 PM (UsCnO)

405 Inmates Across The Country Plan To Go On Strike Refusing To Eat And Work To Protest 'Prison Slavery'

-
Knock yourselves out.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Tyrannosaur Wrangler at August 19, 2018 07:24 PM (+y/Ru)

406 The Nov Mid-Terms results are in...I came FIRST,Trump a close second the rest too few votes to count.CNN went bankrupt and that Acosata dude got stilletoed to death by the cocktail bint staff stampede for book deals......and life goes on....Pelosi has retired to farm asparagus and says it does not make her pee smell bad,
Chuck Schumer begs to differ as he has to empty the bedpans @ Rancho Democratico Socialista in Mexico......

Posted by: saf at August 19, 2018 07:45 PM (5IHGB)

407 I married a Swede to get him a green card, and ended up staying married for 16 years. Unbelievable, but true.

Posted by: zero turn riding mower at August 19, 2018 08:05 PM (txw6d)

408 Not sure this should count as bragging, but as of this evening, Mr. Empire and I have been married for 52 years ...

Posted by: empire1 at August 19, 2018 08:05 PM (htU4m)

409 /off mower sock

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:10 PM (txw6d)

410 Well, happy anniversary!

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:10 PM (txw6d)

411 I've fallen in love with a Moron.

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:11 PM (txw6d)

412 Thanks, Miley! It's been the usual ups and downs, but we've weathered them together, and it's been mostly good.

Posted by: empire1 at August 19, 2018 08:12 PM (htU4m)

413 I've fallen in love with a Moron.
Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:11 PM (txw6d)

---------

Really? Do tell......

Posted by: Calm Mentor at August 19, 2018 08:13 PM (I16G8)

414 Hmm. Miley, this is good -- Mr. Emprire is one as well, though since he doesn't come here, he wouldn't recognize it as the compliment it is.

Posted by: empire1 at August 19, 2018 08:15 PM (htU4m)

415 It was a dark and stormy night and there hadn't been a new open thread since early afternoon. Then the zombies arrived.

Posted by: amdycanuck at August 19, 2018 08:26 PM (Evws/)

416 Really? Do tell......

Posted by: Calm Mentor at August 19, 2018 08:13 PM (I16G

Not yet.

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:27 PM (txw6d)

417 Hmm. Miley, this is good -- Mr. Emprire is one as
well, though since he doesn't come here, he wouldn't recognize it as the
compliment it is.

Posted by: empire1 at August 19, 2018 08:15 PM (htU4m)

Morons are the good stuff.

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:29 PM (txw6d)

418 It would never work out, Miley. You're a little rock and roll and I'm a little country and western. Sorry.

Posted by: amdycanuck at August 19, 2018 08:30 PM (Evws/)

419 It would never work out, Miley. You're a little rock and roll and I'm a little country and western. Sorry.


Posted by: amdycanuck at August 19, 2018 08:30 PM (Evws/)

I like a little country and western.

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:31 PM (txw6d)

420 BTW, I'm typing on the tablet.

Posted by: andycanuck at August 19, 2018 08:31 PM (Evws/)

421 I won't judge you.

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:33 PM (txw6d)

422 Oh. The food thread was taken over as the open thread.

Never mind.

Posted by: andycanuck at August 19, 2018 08:33 PM (Evws/)

423 I could have written about the salmon in phyllo we had for dinner tonight, but I was drawn to this thread.

Posted by: Miley, the Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:34 PM (txw6d)

424 #420
I'm getting high.

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:36 PM (txw6d)

425 LP:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfkgOWrd1vc

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:41 PM (txw6d)

426 Them's lipstick lesbians, btw.

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:42 PM (txw6d)

427 Need to modify my nic a bit ...

Posted by: empire1, Thursedov at August 19, 2018 08:42 PM (htU4m)

428 One might be a tranny, though. Hell, more than one, I suppose.
Those tranny lesbians are rare creatures. Problem-solvers, for some kinds of problems.
/end hate speech

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:43 PM (txw6d)

429 Okay, that worked. I think I'll keep it, at least for a while

Posted by: empire1, Thursedov at August 19, 2018 08:43 PM (htU4m)

430 "Thursedov" sounds like the leader of a fictional country.

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:44 PM (txw6d)

431 Thanks for the warning about the link, Miley. Uh, I've got somewhere else to be. Yeah, that's. I have to be someplace else.

Posted by: andycanuck at August 19, 2018 08:45 PM (Evws/)

432 James Thursedov, III. Victorian mine owner.

Posted by: andycanuck at August 19, 2018 08:46 PM (Evws/)

433 I thought it was a great video for the 'rons. You're welcome. Have a nice time!

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:46 PM (txw6d)

434 James Thursedov, III. Victorian mine owner.


Posted by: andycanuck at August 19, 2018 08:46 PM (Evws/)

He fell in love with a hard-headed woman, and vowed to woo and win her.

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:47 PM (txw6d)

435 Miley, I'm a Skyrim addict ... and the Player Character ends up as head of the dragons after defeating Alduin. Thursedov is Overlord of Dragonkind, in the dragon speech.

Posted by: empire1, Thursedov at August 19, 2018 08:48 PM (htU4m)

436 Thank you for the background, empire1, Thursedov. Dragon Overlord is a lot of responsibility.

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:50 PM (txw6d)

437 I think I'd rather do the baking and gardening for the dragons, though.

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:51 PM (txw6d)

438 What's all this tosh about the mine being unsafe? [Knocks truss with walking-stick. CRASH!!!]

Posted by: James Thursedov, III. Victorian mine owner at August 19, 2018 08:52 PM (Evws/)

439 Dragon favorites: crisp bread. Moses' Burning Bush

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:52 PM (txw6d)

440 What's all this tosh about the mine being unsafe? [Knocks truss with walking-stick. CRASH!!!]


Posted by: James Thursedov, III. Victorian mine owner at August 19, 2018 08:52 PM (Evws/)

JAMES! JAMES! Are you alright? Speak to me!

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:53 PM (txw6d)

441 Take two medium peasants and truss with hands and feet in the small of the back...

Posted by: cookbook for your dragon at August 19, 2018 08:54 PM (Evws/)

442 I've never been good at trussing. Something always ends up sticking out.

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:55 PM (txw6d)

443 It is, if you're writing fanfic for the universe. In the game, it sort of ends when Odahviing acknowledges you as thur, or overlord. Since he was Alduin's chief lieutenant, that makes you head honcho, but in the game, well, it doesn't make any further changes.

Posted by: empire1, Thursedov at August 19, 2018 08:56 PM (htU4m)

444 I'll always love you, Miley. I promise to come back as a glittery vampire who only talks about his feelings.

Posted by: zombie James Thursedov, III. Victorian mine owner at August 19, 2018 08:56 PM (Evws/)

445 There is a theory, called Paleoweltschmerz, which expresses a possible explanation for the extinction of dinosaurs. It claims that dinosaurs became so disillusioned with their ancient world that they died of boredom.

Posted by: SMOD at August 19, 2018 08:58 PM (e8kgV)

446
They probably already make faux granite out of recycled plastic bags and newspapers.

Posted by: Soothsayer -- Fake Commenter at August 19, 2018 08:58 PM (HkNlg)

447 I'll always love you, Miley. I promise to come back as a glittery vampire who only talks about his feelings.


Posted by: zombie James Thursedov, III. Victorian mine owner at August 19, 2018 08:56 PM (Evws/)

That sounds burdensome, James. Perhaps you could just return as a silent succubus?

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 08:59 PM (txw6d)

448 Miley, you're hired. Report to Skuldafn -- one of my dovah will take you -- and request what you need for equipment and aides. I have plenty of gold to provide them.

Posted by: empire1, Thursedov at August 19, 2018 09:00 PM (htU4m)

449 I'm so bored. And I hate eating fronds.

Posted by: zombie brontosaurus at August 19, 2018 09:01 PM (Evws/)

450 Oh, yeah, Miley -- you may add Steward of Skuldafn to your titles.

Posted by: empire1, Thursedov at August 19, 2018 09:03 PM (htU4m)

451 I'm retired, empire1, and I'm hot on the trail of love, and will not be seduced by the prospect of feeding dragons.

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 09:03 PM (txw6d)

452 But I thank you for the honor.

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 09:04 PM (txw6d)

453 How about I come back as even-richer rich guy who's into BDSM and you let me do things to you that you'd never let a poor guy do to you? I could change my name. Maybe a xolor or something.

Mr. Fuscia.

No.

I know! Mr Green.

Posted by: zombie James Thursedov, III. Victorian mine owner at August 19, 2018 09:05 PM (Evws/)

454 "color"

Posted by: zombie James Thursedov, III. Victorian mine owner at August 19, 2018 09:06 PM (Evws/)

455 Okay, Emeritus, then, and I'll find another active Steward. If you wish, of course.

Posted by: empire1, Thursedov at August 19, 2018 09:07 PM (htU4m)

456 *bows and whispers* Dovakhiin...

Posted by: thathalfrican - Stay woke! - Leigon of Gloom founding member/too sweet at August 19, 2018 09:07 PM (IYHxL)

457 James, you never understood that it wasn't about the money.

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 09:08 PM (txw6d)

458 Geh? You called? What is it you wish? ::purrs interrogatively::

Posted by: empire1, Thursedov at August 19, 2018 09:12 PM (htU4m)

459 Sorry. Gotta go now for real.

Posted by: andycanuck at August 19, 2018 09:22 PM (Evws/)

460 There I was, in the Congo, knee-deep in Victor Charles...something something...lalala..mumnp...WTF over?

Posted by: Muthaucker at August 19, 2018 09:24 PM (khkRi)

461 Several years ago, I take my children to a "range day" presented by a local gun store. My children had never fired a firearm before that day and they will have the chance to fire a bunch of different pistols and rifles under well-trained supervision. They both take about 20 shots on different pistols and rifles.

They enter the Cowboy shooting contest since it looks like fun. My 17-year-old daughter WINS the competition AND sets a new record for the fastest draw, breaking the old record by nearly a half a second.

She wins a pistol that she cannot legally take possession of so I have to receive it for her.

Her older sister comes in 2nd, but there are no prizes for 2nd place in a gun fight.

Some people just make everything look easy.

Posted by: WarEagle82 at August 19, 2018 09:33 PM (xUc0d)

462 WarEagle82, that's awesome! She must be almost old enough to take possession of the pistol now, right?

Posted by: Miley, the High Duchess at August 19, 2018 09:37 PM (txw6d)

463 Two-lane highway in the Florida panhandle. My mom was at the wheel of our T-bird, I was in the front passenger seat, my sister was in back. Opera was playing on the 8-track.
My mom goes to pass an 18 wheeler at 70-80 mph. She misjudges and we didn't quite make it around. A T-bird coming the other way skids in front of us. Its back fin hits our right front fender, and then it winds up ass-backwards in a ditch. My sister is screaming louder than the opera. We stop to check our damage. We have a dent about the size of a tennis ball in the right front. We get in the car and drive on.

Posted by: RTW at August 19, 2018 10:28 PM (jJlJu)

464 In the seventies, while attending camp with kids from up and down the East Coast, I invented the fashion of wearing multiple tube socks of varying colors stacked on top of each other.

It remains my signal achievement.

Posted by: Mr. W at August 19, 2018 10:35 PM (aR6p7)

465 although this thread is long gone, i have told the story many times of quitting my job in 2005 to take care of my pop full time because he suffered a life altering stroke. my pop was my hero. humble, but nevertheless a giant among others. i took care of him for eight years, and as sad as it was to slowly watch him die, it was my pleasure to tend to him at home, where he wanted to be, safe and sound.

after his passing, for whatever reason, i flipped through my bible, and lo and behold was a check he'd written me a day before his major stroke. i don't remember why he'd done it. i never cashed it, i don't even remember putting it in my bible.
but still, the handwriting was perfect, and to me, it meant he loved me, and he wanted to reward me for being me.

i still have it.

my pop was the best pop in the land.

Posted by: concrete girl at August 19, 2018 11:05 PM (Tm+wy)

466 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNGNnStXIV0

Posted by: a bee ee? at August 19, 2018 11:15 PM (YgnPL)

467 The Oklahoma City bombers tried to buy the fertilizer used in the bomb at the grain elevator my brother managed. He told them he didn't have such a large quantity to spare, but referred them to a larger facility in the nearby county seat, which is where they acquired most of it.

Posted by: Kebas at August 20, 2018 12:24 AM (yP5S3)

468 For years I've suffered from strange dreams where for some unknown reason I'm just standing quietly in some kid's bedroom watching them sleep.

Posted by: A Shadowy Figure at August 20, 2018 12:24 AM (Fb/OU)

469 Hillary Clinton ran for president. No really, it happened, I saw it Not only once, but twice!
But thats not the really crazy part...Literally millions of people voted for her! I know, I know, you think I went too far, but I swear, it really happened!
Also, I met Festus from Gunsmoke in Death Valley once.

Posted by: Sum dum guy at August 20, 2018 01:24 AM (df8rK)

470 333
True story: July, 1974, I am on TAD assignment while

in the U.S. Navy overseas. I drove a Soviet Army jeep from Africa to

Asia. The trip took about 10 minutes. Wise readers will understand how

that can be true. . .


Posted by: I Peaked Early at August 19, 2018 03:57 PM (zr3uM)

You drove across the Suez Canal? That small section of Asia was occupied by Israel at that time, I think.

Posted by: Mark1971 at August 19, 2018 04:03 PM
-------------------------------------------------------------
Very good,Mark 1971! I was on assignment in Ismailia, Egypt as part of Operation Nimbus Moon/Nimbus Star. After Israel and Egypt made peace in early 1974, after the 1973 war, the U.S. Navy organized that operation to assist the Egyptians in clearing the Suez Canal. I was sent down for logistics support. The Soviet army jeep had been given by the Russians to the Egyptian Army, who had passed it on to the Suez Canal Authority, who checked it out to me while I was there. One day, I took it and drove it across one of the floating bridges still in place from the Egyptian assault into the Sinai. On the other side, I ran into a checkpoint where the guard looked at my Suez Canal Authority ID (which I still have) and pointed me back the way I had come. The whole thing was a very interesting experience, well remembered. One day a year or so ago at a car club lunch, I am regaling my seatmates with this story and another one from the same era about how I flew a Piper Cherokee into Le Bourget Airport during the annual airshow. One lady across from me looked at me and said, "Wow, you peaked early". Ouch - and thus my nom-de-plum. . .

Posted by: I Peaked Early at August 20, 2018 01:51 AM (zr3uM)

471 I just discovered the lost city of Etranzoa...it's not in Kansas anymore......

Posted by: saf at August 20, 2018 08:48 AM (5IHGB)

472 OK, I spent summers in a tiny southern Illinois town with my cousin. It was 1980 and I was 14, he was 17. We worked on a farm in the area a few days a week for some cash and one day while cleaning the barn we found an old car in there. it was a 1969 Camaro. Body was in decent shape, a few dents, but it was missing all the glass, no back seat, headliner falling, headlights didn't work, tail lights either, and the trunk wouldn't open. But it ran. My cousin asked the farmer how much and he said we could have it in lieu of pay for that week so we took it!

No plates, no insurance we drove that around the backroads for weeks. One day I am driving and caught the attention of a cop. I tried to get my cousin to switch with me but he said he didn't have his license either so we decided to run for it. Supposedly the cop couldn't chase us past the tracks so we ran for that. We got air over those tracks, not Duke's of Hazard style but high enough that with the crappy shocks we bottomed out several times, and the cop stopped there. A few cornfields and dirt roads we get back to cousin's house, car smoking, over heating and sounding like crap, where we park it behind the garage and surround it with hay bales to hide it. Whew!

Next day we go out, no oil, no oil pan, radiator fluid everywhere and one of the tie rods comes off in my hand. We sold it the next day for $800 ($200 more than our 'pay' was that bought it) and regretted it since, because with that body we could have had a small fortune just a few years later. Oh well.

Posted by: Juddgement at August 20, 2018 10:46 AM (LGMzU)

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