aceofspadeshq at gee mail.com
CBD:
cbd.aoshq at gee mail.com
Buck:
buck.throckmorton at protonmail.com
joe mannix:
mannix2024 at proton.me
MisHum:
petmorons at gee mail.com
J.J. Sefton:
sefton at cutjibnewsletter.com
Bad Joke Open Thread [CBD]
A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says: "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion is allowed per passenger."Comments
(Jump to bottom of comments)Posted by: AltonJackson at October 22, 2016 08:27 PM (KCxzN)
Posted by: BuckIV at October 22, 2016 08:28 PM (CLfqv)
Posted by: m at October 22, 2016 08:29 PM (/4GEs)
Posted by: Chi-town Jerry at October 22, 2016 08:29 PM (UpGcq)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:29 PM (bpfzP)
Next day, duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts." Bar tender replies, "I already told you I don't sell peanuts!" The duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts!" Bar tender yells back, "I told you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" So the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "Do you have any nails?" Bar tender says, "Sorry, don't have nails." Duck asks, "Do you have any peanuts?"
Posted by: m at October 22, 2016 08:30 PM (/4GEs)
"Well," said the farmer, "that pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig, and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."
"That's amazing!" said the man, but why does the pig only have three legs?"
"Well, there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."
"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs."
"And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up a tree, but I was too far away to hear his cries for help. The pig ran to me and led me to where he was."
"Well, that is a miracle, but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" the man said quite annoyed at this point.
"Well," said the farmer, "a pig like that you don't eat all at once."
Posted by: f2000 at October 22, 2016 08:30 PM (vgMDK)
Posted by: 80's music fan at October 22, 2016 08:30 PM (iImBW)
==============================================
This is the night. This is it. It's gonna happen.
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:30 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Septa Unella at October 22, 2016 08:31 PM (R+30W)
Posted by: Kindltot at October 22, 2016 08:31 PM (lPUaT)
Doc says, "You can always try the 40-foot test."
"What's that?"
Doc says, "You stand about 40-feet from her and speak in your normal speaking voice, and see if she reacts. If not, move 10 feet closer and repeat the test, until she does."
That night, the guy is at home in the den, and his wife is in the kitchen. He thinks, that's about 40-feet, so he says "Honey, what's for dinner?" She says nothing.
So, he moves 10 feet closer, and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, she doesn't respond.
So he moves 10 feet closer. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She turns to him and says "I've told you five times! Fried chicken!"
Posted by: Pious Agnostic at October 22, 2016 08:32 PM (jb6+d)
Posted by: Donna&&&&V.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 08:32 PM (P8951)
Posted by: Skip at October 22, 2016 08:33 PM (sWbjH)
The pirate says, Aaarrrrhhh, it's driving me nuts!"
Posted by: the guy that moves pianos for a living at October 22, 2016 08:33 PM (x3uSY)
Pharmacist asks, "How do you intend to pay for it?"
Duck says, "Put it on my bill."
Posted by: 80's music fan at October 22, 2016 08:33 PM (iImBW)
A friend of mine was having a bad day recently and asked me if I knew any jokes. I said I knew 33 of them. She said, "33?" I said, yep, they all play for the Phillies.
Posted by: Basement Cat at October 22, 2016 08:33 PM (3C9q2)
Posted by: DonnaV.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 08:32 PM (P8951)
=============================================
I know. I should keep my big mouth shut. But It's Gonna Happen!!!
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:33 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Donna&&&&V.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 08:34 PM (P8951)
Posted by: Amy Schumer at October 22, 2016 08:34 PM (iynDC)
"What are you doing?" the doctor asks.
"I'm following your advice." the man replies
"What do you mean?" the doc asks.
"You told me to be cheerful and get a hot mama!" the man responds.
"No, no, no. I said to be careful, you've got a heart murmur."
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 08:34 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:30 PM (bpfzP)
Please let's not get ahead of ourselves. I barely survived the 1984 and 2003 seasons.
Posted by: TheQuietMan at October 22, 2016 08:35 PM (auHtY)
"Show me!" So, he does. Then she asks, "Where's the baby?" "Well," he human-splains, "That takes nine months."
"So why did you stop stirring?"
Posted by: Stringer Davis at October 22, 2016 08:35 PM (H5rtT)
Posted by: Aunt Ralph at October 22, 2016 08:35 PM (S5WOY)
====================================
I feel bad about that. Sniff.
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:35 PM (bpfzP)
This is the night. This is it. It's gonna happen.
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:30 PM (bpfzP)
-------------------------------
Ontday inxjay!!!
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 08:35 PM (Nox3c)
Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine, Still Accepting Harem Applicants at October 22, 2016 08:35 PM (DNuY9)
Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at October 22, 2016 08:36 PM (k8DTS)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:36 PM (bpfzP)
Prophets are going through the roof.
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 08:36 PM (u82oZ)
Said the doc to his patient moronic,
"I think what you need is a tonic."
"Very well, doctor dear,
What's the matter with beer?"
"Nay, nay," said the doc, "that's Teutonic."
Posted by: Basement Cat at October 22, 2016 08:37 PM (3C9q2)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:37 PM (bpfzP)
I told everyone that joke.I thought it was quite the knee slapper.
Posted by: Donna&&&&V.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 08:38 PM (P8951)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:36 PM (bpfzP)
Yes Sandberg. No Grace, Leon Durham at first. They won the first two games in Chicago and just had to win one out of three in San Diego. Just one damn game. One damn game.
Posted by: TheQuietMan at October 22, 2016 08:38 PM (auHtY)
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 08:38 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at October 22, 2016 08:38 PM (n3MnG)
Posted by: TheQuietMan at October 22, 2016 08:38 PM (auHtY)
=============================================
Ahhh yes. The nightmare is coming back to me now.
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:39 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine, Still Accepting Harem Applicants at October 22, 2016 08:40 PM (DNuY9)
Posted by: Donna&&&&V.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 08:40 PM (P8951)
Posted by: Michael at October 22, 2016 08:40 PM (KClXw)
Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the
country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom,
what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and
reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It
was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the
country?" Clinton asked.
"Go to the theater."
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 08:40 PM (u82oZ)
But they got really excited and asked me if I knew how to drive a stick.
Posted by: Aunt Ralph at October 22, 2016 08:41 PM (S5WOY)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:41 PM (bpfzP)
'But you never do talk bawdy." said Stephen. It was true, or at least almost true: although no kind of a prude, Jack Aubrey was a man who preferred action to talk, fact to phantasm, and although he did possess a small stock of lewd stories for the end of dinners when imaginations grew warm and often lubricious he usually forgot them, or left out the point.
This is similar to my experience with telling jokes.
Posted by: Kindltot at October 22, 2016 08:42 PM (lPUaT)
Posted by: teej at October 22, 2016 08:42 PM (HddOg)
Posted by: Mark1971 at October 22, 2016 08:42 PM (gdnq1)
-Nothing is better than a life of peace and happiness.
-A ham sandwich is better than nothing.
-Therefore, a ham sandwich is better than a life of peace and happiness.
QED
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 08:42 PM (Nox3c)
Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine, Still Accepting Harem Applicants at October 22, 2016 08:43 PM (DNuY9)
Posted by: BARKY at October 22, 2016 08:44 PM (qul7b)
Posted by: redc1c4 at October 22, 2016 08:44 PM (LGcdt)
Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 22, 2016 08:45 PM (VDc7u)
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll
have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans.
What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the
Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this
week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of
what you're doing. The week's a freebie."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall
the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 08:45 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: Slapweasel, (Deplorable1), (T) at October 22, 2016 08:46 PM (6gk0M)
Posted by: yankeefifth at October 22, 2016 08:46 PM (cPsPa)
Posted by: yankeefifth at October 22, 2016 08:48 PM (cPsPa)
Posted by: Aunt Ralph at October 22, 2016 08:49 PM (S5WOY)
Three gay guys are coming back from Bruce's funeral and they have his ashes.
One asked the others, what should we do with them.
One said, let's throw them off the mountain, he loved to play up there.
One said, no let's take them to Fire Island and throw them in the ocean.
The final one said, no let's eat them?
What, the others asked?
Yeah, I want to feel him ooze out of ass just one more time.
Posted by: Nip Sip at October 22, 2016 08:49 PM (NbJXF)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 08:49 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 08:50 PM (Nox3c)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:50 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 08:50 PM (u82oZ)
An elephant joke from my aunt:
How does a male elephant find a female elephant in the tall grass?
Delightful.
Posted by: Basement Cat at October 22, 2016 08:50 PM (3C9q2)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:51 PM (bpfzP)
"Doc, all my friends think I'm crazy."
The psychiatrist contemplates this for a moment, and then responds,
"Well, why don't you kill them?"
Posted by: Son of Hercules at October 22, 2016 08:51 PM (Rjwfi)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 08:51 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: Aunt Ralph at October 22, 2016 08:49 PM (S5WOY)
THE FISH!
Posted by: Kindltot at October 22, 2016 08:51 PM (lPUaT)
A doctor is making his rounds in a hospital. A nurse comes up to him and asks for his signature on a form. As he goes to sign it the nurse says, Doctor that's a rectal thermometer. The doctor says, Oh great some asshole must have my pen
Posted by: TheQuietMan at October 22, 2016 08:52 PM (auHtY)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 08:52 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: BARKY at October 22, 2016 08:52 PM (qul7b)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 08:52 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 08:53 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: Basement Cat at October 22, 2016 08:53 PM (3C9q2)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:53 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: AnnaS at October 22, 2016 08:53 PM (Jh/vN)
"Hello Brother," he says. "What has happened to your bicycle?"
"Brother," says the second, "I believe that a member of my congregation has stolen it, and I don't know what to do."
They think about this for a while until the first says, "what you should do is give your sermon on the Ten Commandments-and when you get to 'thou shalt not steal' really lay into it and maybe whoever stole your bicycle will see the light and give it back."
The second agrees to do this and they go on their separate ways.
The next Sunday the first preacher is headed to the church when he sees the second on his bicycle, so he stops and asks, "did my idea work?"
"Well, kind of," says the second. I gave my sermon on the Ten Commandments like you said and when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I left my bicycle."
Posted by: 68W58 at October 22, 2016 08:53 PM (XfoId)
Posted by: tu3031 at October 22, 2016 08:54 PM (qJhUV)
"Phew, its getting really hot in here!"
The second sausage looks over and says to the first sausage
"OMG! A talking sausage!"
Posted by: Argent at October 22, 2016 08:54 PM (2Cv1r)
You don't talk about jinxes!!!
Posted by: Chi-town Jerry at October 22, 2016 08:55 PM (UpGcq)
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 08:55 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 08:55 PM (+vAGU)
Posted by: tu3031 at October 22, 2016 08:56 PM (qJhUV)
Posted by: wth at October 22, 2016 08:56 PM (HgMAr)
Posted by: biancaneve at October 22, 2016 08:56 PM (IKOfL)
"Ah, will you look at that, Pat. The Protestants should be ashamed to have such a man as their minister."
"I agree, Mike, tis a scandal."
The next day, they're sitting there and along comes the rabbi, who slips into the whorehouse.
"Now there is a disgrace to the Jewish people."
"Aye, it's a terrible thing."
The day after that, the two see their parish priest going into the brothel. They sit there quietly for a long time. Finally, Pat speaks.
"Begorrah, one of the girls must be very ill."
Posted by: Donna&&&&V.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 08:56 PM (P8951)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 08:58 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: tu3031 at October 22, 2016 08:58 PM (qJhUV)
Posted by: wth at October 22, 2016 08:58 PM (HgMAr)
Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine, Still Accepting Harem Applicants at October 22, 2016 08:58 PM (DNuY9)
Posted by: Mark1971 at October 22, 2016 08:59 PM (gdnq1)
I don't understand, thinks Achmed.
A booming voice replies, " I said 72 Virginians, dumbass."
Posted by: Duke Lowell at October 22, 2016 08:59 PM (kTF2Z)
Julius Caesar walks into a bar, raises his hand with two fingers up and says, 'Bartender, five beers please."
Posted by: Sphynx at October 22, 2016 08:59 PM (a0SQT)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:00 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:01 PM (+vAGU)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:01 PM (bpfzP)
Every time you do it, you feel a little embarrassed and ashamed.
But you know you are gonna do it again.
Posted by: Charles Martel at October 22, 2016 09:01 PM (EWQg3)
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at October 22, 2016 09:01 PM (CUYn5)
He tweeted Hopefully screaming my name. In agony.
The best part about this joke is that it is true.
http://preview.tinyurl.com/zj56f5n
(Daily Mail)
Posted by: GnuBreed at October 22, 2016 09:01 PM (gyKtp)
stopped by the police around 2:00 AM and was asked where he was going at that
time of night.
The man
replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has
on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The
officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife".
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:01 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:02 PM (+vAGU)
Posted by: wth at October 22, 2016 09:02 PM (HgMAr)
Posted by: Donna&&&&V.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 09:03 PM (P8951)
Two brothers open a bar. After six months of terrible business the one brother says, well that's it. This has been a disaster we'll have to close it. The other brother says, I have an idea we'll close the bar and open a brothel instead. The first brother says, If we couldn't get them in here to drink booze how in the hell can we get them to drink broth.
Posted by: TheQuietMan at October 22, 2016 09:03 PM (auHtY)
Posted by: batterup at October 22, 2016 09:04 PM (mtGE/)
Posted by: Skip at October 22, 2016 09:04 PM (sWbjH)
Posted by: Duke Lowell at October 22, 2016 09:04 PM (kTF2Z)
Well one game UGA is on the field and he reaches around and starts licking his balls.
Bruce says to Percy, I wish I could do that, and Percy says,
He'll bite you!!
OR
I'll hold him, if you'll let me watch.
Posted by: Nip Sip at October 22, 2016 09:04 PM (NbJXF)
Posted by: Aunt Ralph at October 22, 2016 08:49 PM (S5WOY)
---
The Barrel, if there is any justice left in the world...
Posted by: redc1c4 at October 22, 2016 09:04 PM (LGcdt)
Posted by: fireman1 at October 22, 2016 09:04 PM (I2s4+)
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at October 22, 2016 09:01 PM (CUYn5)
I thought an Irish queer was an Irishman who likes women more than booze?
Posted by: TheQuietMan at October 22, 2016 09:05 PM (auHtY)
Definition of an Irish queer: an Irishman who likes women better than whiskey.
Posted by: Basement Cat at October 22, 2016 09:05 PM (3C9q2)
Posted by: Amy Schumer at October 22, 2016 09:06 PM (cMIkI)
Bill: "Whatcha got there?"
Hank: "Why, this is chicken wire"
Bill: "What's it for?"
Hank: "Gonna catch me some chickens."
Bill: "You idiot! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Hank shrugs and walks on. Two hours later, Hank comes back in the other direction, with 6 plump chickens tangled up in the wire.
The next day, Hank walks by again, with a roll of tape in his hand.
Bill: "Watcha got there?"
Hank: "Well, this is duck tape."
Bill: "What's it for"
Hank: "I'ma catch me some ducks."
Bill: "You moron! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
Two hours later, Hank walks by with 4 fine ducks, wrapped up in tape.
Next day, Bill's sitting on his porch, and Hank walks by with a tree branch in his hands.
Bill: "Whatcha got there?"
Hank: "This? Why, this is pussy willow."
(long pause)
Bill: "Let me get my hat."
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 09:06 PM (iMxBJ)
So you can grab them and carry them around like a six-pack.
Posted by: El Donaldo Trumptado at October 22, 2016 09:06 PM (HgMAr)
Posted by: batterup at October 22, 2016 09:06 PM (mtGE/)
Posted by: bamboo lounge at October 22, 2016 09:06 PM (Tx0hM)
Posted by: Amy Schumer at October 22, 2016 09:07 PM (qJhUV)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:07 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:08 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: Amy Schumer at October 22, 2016 09:08 PM (cMIkI)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:08 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:08 PM (u82oZ)
Answer: Who cares!
(for best effect, loudly interrupt the other person while they're responding).
Posted by: lowtech redneck at October 22, 2016 09:08 PM (egK2C)
Posted by: Amy Schumer at October 22, 2016 09:08 PM (Nox3c)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:09 PM (u82oZ)
vas
...assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.
Bonus Bad Joke:
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
Translation here:
http://tinyurl.com/he9kde4
Posted by: BakaBaka99 at October 22, 2016 09:09 PM (2TCkE)
He tweeted Hopefully screaming my name. In agony.
The best part about this joke is that it is true.
http://preview.tinyurl.com/zj56f5n
(Daily Mail)
Posted by: GnuBreed at October 22, 2016 09:01 PM (gyKtp)
++++
The troll, who's identity is unknown, is merely alleged to have died. Since nobody knows who he is, there is no way to know if he is dead.
Posted by: Septa Unella at October 22, 2016 09:09 PM (R+30W)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:10 PM (u82oZ)
After grieving, Tom meets a great gal, Mary, who loves to golf. She convinces Tom to take the game back up. She drags him out to the same golf course, and shows Tom that there is no shame in enjoying the game again. As they approach the dog leg past the barn, Tom begins to doubt his ability to put it all behind him. He drives his tee shot into the barn yard. and he begins to crack. Mary says softly, 'Look Tom, shorten up a three iron, hit it hard right through the open barndoors and back on to the fairway, you can do it!'. Tom shouts no and breaks down crying. Mary asks why not, and Tom says 'The last time I tried this exact same shot, I had to take a six'.
Posted by: Ben Theredonethat at October 22, 2016 09:10 PM (jo6mH)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:08 PM
--------------------
Ontday inxjay!!!!!
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 09:10 PM (Nox3c)
Posted by: Septa Unella at October 22, 2016 09:09 PM (R+30W)
The troll apparently had a lawyer, so one would think his identity is known to someone.
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at October 22, 2016 09:11 PM (CUYn5)
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible
and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I
don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and
that he would search for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside
and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Posted by: Lady in Black - Death to the Man Bun at October 22, 2016 09:11 PM (+FSld)
Posted by: the deplorable chiefjaybob, who hates everyone at October 22, 2016 09:11 PM (G2Sc9)
Posted by: Your Decidedly Devious Uncle Palpatine, Still Accepting Harem Applicants at October 22, 2016 09:11 PM (DNuY9)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:12 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at October 22, 2016 09:12 PM (AetST)
"That will be enough of that racist behavior on my bus. From now on, there are no black kids and no white kids, you are all green. Light green sit in the front, dark green in the back."
Posted by: Darth Randall at October 22, 2016 09:12 PM (6n332)
Posted by: batterup at October 22, 2016 09:12 PM (mtGE/)
The average Naval Aviator, despite the
somewhat swaggering exterior, is very
much capable of such feelings as love,
intimacy and caring.
Those feelings just don't
involve anybody else, however.
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:12 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: tu3031 at October 22, 2016 09:13 PM (qJhUV)
Q: "So, you're from Alpha Ceti III?"
A: "That's right."
Q: "Do all of have green skin?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "Do all of you have antennas sticking out of your heads?"
A: "Right again."
Q: "Do all of you wear those beanies?"
A: "Only the Orthodox ones."
Posted by: Kodos the Executioner at October 22, 2016 09:13 PM (J8/9G)
Posted by: Amy Schumer at October 22, 2016 09:14 PM (cMIkI)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:15 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: In Vino Veritits at October 22, 2016 09:17 PM (qul7b)
And the clerk says, "No, they're normal you sick fuck. "
Posted by: V the K at October 22, 2016 09:17 PM (1RK7T)
Posted by: Septa Unella at October 22, 2016 09:09 PM (R+30W)
The troll apparently had a lawyer, so one would think his identity is known to someone.
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at October 22, 2016 09:11 PM (CUYn5)
++++
The lawyer announced the death, not in a court filing, but in a tweet.
Sure, I believe the lawyer. They are always so honest.
Posted by: Anon Y. Mous at October 22, 2016 09:18 PM (R+30W)
In week one, you separate the men from the boys.
In week two, you separate the men from the fools.
In week three, the fools jump.
Posted by: 68W58 at October 22, 2016 09:19 PM (XfoId)
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the
BEER is for?"
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung open the door and yelled to his nurse. Dammit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT!
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:19 PM (u82oZ)
St. Peter says sorry you are not going to be allowed into heaven.
Joe asks 'why not?'
St Peter says ' you took the name of the Lord in vain too many times'
Joe asks ' how many times ?'
St Peter replies ' over a million times'
Joe yells 'Jesus Christ that's a lot! '
Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at October 22, 2016 09:20 PM (AetST)
Movie "The Wizard of Oz": Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:20 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: Amyt Schumer at October 22, 2016 09:21 PM (H5rtT)
Posted by: tu3031 at October 22, 2016 09:21 PM (qJhUV)
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 09:21 PM (8iiMU)
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the farmer just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his budweiser beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised!"
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:21 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: @DangerGirl (gab.ai) and her Deplorable 1.21 gigawatt Sanity Prod at October 22, 2016 09:22 PM (+eR2D)
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!"
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:22 PM (u82oZ)
With a clap of his hands, the genie turns the whole sea in the finest brew on earth.
Patrick looks at Seamus, looks at the sea of Guinness , looks back at Seamus and exclaims. "God dammit Seamus!!!! Now we got to piss in da boat!"
Posted by: Cuttingtom at October 22, 2016 09:23 PM (APmD9)
He's carrying a baseball bat over one shoulder and over the other is slung a giant chain.
On the end of the chain is a giant gorilla.
The guy sits down at the bar, places the bat on the bar one one side and the gorilla just sits quietly on the bar stool on the other side.
The guy starts doing shots.
The bar tender watches for a while and finally asks, " Hey, Buddy, what's up with the gorilla?"
The guy looks over at the gorilla, looks back at the bartender, then grabs the bat and starts beating the heck out of the gorilla with it.
The gorilla goes ape-wire, starts growling and pounding its fists on its chest then grabs the guy, throws him up on the bar, yanks down the guy's pants and gives him a BJ. When it's finished, the gorilla quiets down and just goes back to sitting on the bar stool.
The guy zips up his pants, nods over to the gorilla and says to the bartender, "Wanna try it?"
The bartender perks up and says, "OK! Just don't hit me so hard!"
Posted by: RondinellaMamma at October 22, 2016 09:23 PM (oQQwD)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:23 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Donna&&&&V.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 09:23 PM (P8951)
Posted by: phoenixgirl, gird up your loins, this is not the time to go wobbly at October 22, 2016 09:23 PM (0O7c5)
Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at October 22, 2016 09:23 PM (n3MnG)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:23 PM (+vAGU)
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 09:24 PM (Nox3c)
The grandma hugs her grandson, looks him up and down, and turns to his rescuer.
"He had a hat."
Posted by: Pious Agnostic at October 22, 2016 09:24 PM (jb6+d)
She says, "Very funny. And if you shuffle off first, guess what's going to be on your headstone. It'll say, 'Here lies my husband-- stiff at last!'"
Posted by: Basement Cat at October 22, 2016 09:24 PM (3C9q2)
"I'm glad you liked them. Since my teeth broke, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Posted by: tu3031 at October 22, 2016 09:24 PM (qJhUV)
Posted by: Amy Schumer at October 22, 2016 09:25 PM (cMIkI)
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 09:25 PM (8iiMU)
Great one but why was his head all bloody and bruised?
Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at October 22, 2016 09:25 PM (AetST)
A Frenchman accuires the corpse of a woman with which he intends to have sex...
As the deed is about to comence, there is a knock at the door. It is a friend of his. He invites his friend in and they both end up having sex with the corpse.
When they were done, the first Frenchman turns to his friend as asks, "Have you ever had sex with a dead woman before?"
His friend, quite stunned, replies "Dead? I thought she was an American!"
I denounce myself.
Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 22, 2016 09:25 PM (kP16F)
Posted by: @DangerGirl (gab.ai) and her Deplorable 1.21 gigawatt Sanity Prod at October 22, 2016 09:27 PM (+eR2D)
Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at October 22, 2016 09:27 PM (AetST)
Posted by: KennyM at October 22, 2016 09:28 PM (v6X0E)
Posted by: phoenixgirl, gird up your loins, this is not the time to go wobbly at October 22, 2016 09:29 PM (0O7c5)
Posted by: CSMBigBird at October 22, 2016 09:29 PM (xInes)
Posted by: EyeSurgeon at October 22, 2016 09:30 PM (VrYNe)
Posted by: Kodos the Executioner at October 22, 2016 09:30 PM (J8/9G)
The clerks rush up to him.
"Sir! Sir! Can we help you?"
"No, I'm just taking a look around."
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 09:30 PM (iMxBJ)
Posted by: bof at October 22, 2016 09:31 PM (Bu4wL)
Posted by: tu3031 at October 22, 2016 09:32 PM (qJhUV)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:32 PM (u82oZ)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=263eG7HfwBM
Posted by: An Observer at October 22, 2016 09:33 PM (ErZHv)
Posted by: bof at October 22, 2016 09:33 PM (Bu4wL)
Judge: So your name is Joshua? Heh, heh. Are you the Joshua who made the sun stand still?
Prisoner: No, your honor. I'm the Joshua who made the moonshine still.
Posted by: bof at October 22, 2016 09:34 PM (Bu4wL)
As the deed is about to comence, there is a knock at the door. It is a friend of his. He invites his friend in and they both end up having sex with the corpse.
When they were done, the first Frenchman turns to his friend as asks, "Have you ever had sex with a dead woman before?"
His friend, quite stunned, replies "Dead? I thought she was Amy Schumer!"
Posted by: Amy Schumer at October 22, 2016 09:34 PM (cMIkI)
Posted by: Chi-town Jerry at October 22, 2016 09:35 PM (UpGcq)
The cobbler should stick to his last!
Posted by: Kindltot at October 22, 2016 09:35 PM (lPUaT)
Utter failure.
Yes. I know. Udderlyi ridiculous.
My daughter's first joke.
Dad, what's green and flies over Germany?
Snotzies.
I'll be here until Thursday.
Posted by: Diogenes at October 22, 2016 09:35 PM (0tfLf)
Posted by: ALH at October 22, 2016 09:36 PM (Z56vq)
Posted by: rhomboid at October 22, 2016 09:36 PM (QDnY+)
The cobbler should stick to his last!
Posted by: Kindltot at October 22, 2016 09:35 PM (lPUaT)
Number of people who still know that term: 23
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 09:36 PM (iMxBJ)
He sucks tonite!
Posted by: Chi-town Jerry at October 22, 2016 09:35 PM (UpGcq) =======================================
I know! And Hendricks is pitching like he's not got a nerve in his whole body.
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:36 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: The Duke of Mish at October 22, 2016 09:37 PM (Tyii7)
The second says, "Bah, Gaston, you are wrong. Savoir-faire is when you find your wife in bed with her amant and you say,'Oh, pardonnez-moi, go on with what you are doing,' THAT is savoir-faire."
The third Frenchman says, "My friends, you are both missing the point. Savoir-faire, it is when you come home and find your wife in bed with her amant, and you tell him to go on doing what he is doing-- and HE GOES ON DOING IT-- he is the one who has savoir-faire!"
Posted by: Basement Cat at October 22, 2016 09:37 PM (3C9q2)
Posted by: Cuttingtom at October 22, 2016 09:37 PM (APmD9)
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 09:36 PM (iMxBJ)
==========================================
My grandma worked in a shoe factory
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:37 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Joe Biden at October 22, 2016 09:38 PM (mBYZv)
Posted by: Cuttingtom at October 22, 2016 09:38 PM (APmD9)
Damned near killed 'em!
Posted by: Diogenes at October 22, 2016 09:38 PM (0tfLf)
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 09:38 PM (iMxBJ)
Posted by: ALH at October 22, 2016 09:38 PM (Z56vq)
Seems appropriate. Of course all the other Cubs fans would be included, but he seems to be the senior ranking fan. Or at least the most overt about it for the longest time.
Posted by: rhomboid at October 22, 2016 09:38 PM (QDnY+)
The second man had married a woman from West Virginia . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, either. But by the third day some of the swelling had gone down, so he could see a little out of his left eye.
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:38 PM (u82oZ)
I don't always date hamsters...
But when I do, I first wrap them in duct tape so they don't explode when I make love to them!
Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 22, 2016 09:39 PM (kP16F)
2 Swedes are walking in the pasture when they start to go thru a gate. There's a big pile in the middle, hard to avoid. Sven says "Ole what izz zat". Ole looks at it and says "It looks like a cowpie, leans closer, smells like a cowpie". Ole reaches in an scoops some up on his fingers and tastes it. "Ya it's a cowpie, glad you pointed it out or I might have stepped in it!"
You said bad jokes, that's about 5th or 6th grade, LOL.
Posted by: Farmer at October 22, 2016 09:39 PM (o/90i)
Posted by: Chi-town Jerry at October 22, 2016 09:41 PM (UpGcq)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:41 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 22, 2016 09:41 PM (kP16F)
Posted by: ALH at October 22, 2016 09:41 PM (Z56vq)
She broke her arms yelling for help.
Posted by: Diogenes at October 22, 2016 09:41 PM (0tfLf)
Posted by: CSMBigBird at October 22, 2016 09:41 PM (xInes)
Posted by: ALH at October 22, 2016 09:41 PM (Z56vq)
Posted by: Mark1971 at October 22, 2016 09:42 PM (gdnq1)
You said bad jokes, that's about 5th or 6th grade, LOL.
Posted by: Farmer at October 22, 2016 09:39 PM (o/90i)
It's also a Cheech and Chong gag. Have to say, they did it really well.
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 09:42 PM (iMxBJ)
Posted by: delayna at October 22, 2016 09:42 PM (KNFU5)
"Nurse! Why isn't anyone stopping him!"
"Doctor...the medicine he's on swells the prostate and it has to be drained three times a day."
Flustered but assuaged, he continues his rounds...
Later he finds the nurse performing fellatio on another patient and he freaks out....
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!"
"D-D-D-Doctor...the nurse exclaims...he's on the same medicine that swells the prostate!"
"WELL CAN'T HE JUST DO WHAT THE OTHER MAN DOES!"
"No Doctor...This patient has private insurance and the other is Obamacare."
Posted by: Beto Ochoa (@Beto_In_Austin) at October 22, 2016 09:43 PM (hCdMd)
Posted by: ALH at October 22, 2016 09:43 PM (Z56vq)
Nobody liked them then, you won't like them now.
Posted by: Chi at October 22, 2016 09:43 PM (HiHJN)
"I'm feeding the pigs," answers the farmer, incredulous that someone could ask a question with such an obvious answer. "Well," says the salesman, "why don't you let the apples fall to the ground, gather them up in baskets, and feed the pigs that way?"
The farmer ponders, then says, "Hmmmm. Yes, I guess I could do it that way. But what would be the point?" The salesman is a bit exasperated: "Well, it would save time, wouldn't it?" The farmer ponders again.
"Yes," he says after a pause, "I guess it would save time. But what's time to a pig?"
Posted by: Temporary Cubs Fan at October 22, 2016 09:43 PM (g6yUI)
Posted by: Ben Theredonethat at October 22, 2016 09:44 PM (jo6mH)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:44 PM (bpfzP)
Matt.
Posted by: ALH at October 22, 2016 09:36 PM
Kid comes to the door, "Mrs. Smith can Bobby come out and play baseball?"
"Well that's not possible, you know Bobby has no arms and legs."
"That's OK, we just want to use him for third base."
Posted by: Farmer at October 22, 2016 09:44 PM (o/90i)
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 09:44 PM (8iiMU)
Posted by: Mark1971 at October 22, 2016 09:44 PM (gdnq1)
Posted by: Beto Ochoa (@Beto_In_Austin) at October 22, 2016 09:44 PM (hCdMd)
Posted by: Chi-town Jerry at October 22, 2016 09:44 PM (UpGcq)
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 09:44 PM (Nox3c)
Oh lordy
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:44 PM (+vAGU)
Posted by: Amy Schumer at October 22, 2016 09:45 PM (cMIkI)
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 09:45 PM (8iiMU)
Posted by: ALH at October 22, 2016 09:45 PM (Z56vq)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:45 PM (+vAGU)
Oh lordy
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:44 PM (+vAGU)
===========================================
What if ? I mean, what if ? *clamps hand over mouth*
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:46 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Chi-town Jerry at October 22, 2016 09:41 PM (UpGcq)
I shall not. I sent in my Trump ballot today, in California. If ever there were a reason to not bother, that would have been it.
But also, I had much other business, including voting against Kamala Harris, given any opportunity. That name may not be familiar to you, but it appears to me that she has been chosen as a future dictator of the country.
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 09:46 PM (iMxBJ)
"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
* "So -- what are you wearing?"
* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:46 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:45 PM (+vAGU)
=============================================
I think I may have wet myself.
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:46 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Diogenes at October 22, 2016 09:35 PM (0tfLf)
---
|be careful: poasting on dead threads can get you auto-banned.
Posted by: redc1c4 at October 22, 2016 09:46 PM (LGcdt)
DA CUBBIES ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:47 PM (+vAGU)
What's Irish, and hangs around in the back of the house, even when it's raining?
Paddy O'Furniture
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 09:47 PM (iMxBJ)
Do you know why Helen Keller masturbates on the toilet with one hand?
So she can piss and moan at the same time!
Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 22, 2016 09:48 PM (kP16F)
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
What does an alligator drink before his sports event?
Gatorade.
Posted by: luagha at October 22, 2016 09:48 PM (7Jg/P)
Posted by: Anna Puma at October 22, 2016 09:48 PM (64sZ6)
Nobody liked them then, you won't like them now.
Posted by: Chi at October 22, 2016 09:43 PM (HiHJN)
"Rats. Big fuckin' rats, with tails this long.
Posted by: just the punchline at October 22, 2016 09:48 PM (CUYn5)
Posted by: #OccupyResoluteDeskLivesMatter at October 22, 2016 09:48 PM (16mmj)
Santa gets back from delivering the presents and discovers Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus, and Katie Perry lying underneath the workshop Christmas tree. He then notices the head elf in the corner of the shop and motions him over. Santa says: "You want to tell me what's going on here?" The elf replys:"Well, when we asked you what you wanted for Christmas you said 'Ho Ho Ho' so we..."
Posted by: An Observation at October 22, 2016 09:48 PM (TsLsv)
Posted by: Donna&&&&V.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 09:49 PM (P8951)
Posted by: Dave at Buffalo Roam at October 22, 2016 09:49 PM (H8z+I)
---
i liked them then and now...
some ONT residents don't recognize class when they see it.
Posted by: redc1c4 at October 22, 2016 09:49 PM (LGcdt)
Posted by: @DangerGirl (gab.ai) and her Deplorable 1.21 gigawatt Sanity Prod at October 22, 2016 09:49 PM (+eR2D)
One day, a frog walks into his branch and says, "ribbit, I'd like to take out a mortgage."
Mr Paddywhack says, "I'm sorry, Sir, but you have no collateral."
The frog leaves. A few day later, Mr Paddywhack is at his desk when the same frog arrives, handing him a cheap porcelain ornament. Mr Paddywhack says, "thank you sir, but that won't be sufficient for the loan."
The next day, the frog comes in with a snow globe, places it on his desk, and repeats, "ribbit, I think that's sufficient collateral"
Mr Paddywhack decides to talk to his boss about the frog and the strange gifts.
His boss exclaims, "They're knickknacks Paddywhack, give the frog a loan!"
Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at October 22, 2016 09:49 PM (n3MnG)
The lady answers and Little Johnny asks her if she is the widow Jones?
Little Johnny, of course not, she says. You know I'm Mrs Jones and I'm certainly no widow.
Oh yeah he asks? Wait until you see what they're dragging up the stairs.
Posted by: Diogenes at October 22, 2016 09:49 PM (0tfLf)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:49 PM (bpfzP)
233. I'll fucking say it
DA CUBBIES ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:47 PM (+vAGU)
I'm not saying anything until there are less than five outs to go and the whereabouts of Bartman have been confirmed....
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 09:50 PM (8iiMU)
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 09:50 PM (Nox3c)
Posted by: Steve Bartman at October 22, 2016 09:50 PM (iMxBJ)
Great pitcher
But.....since he stands in the way....
Well fuck him in particular
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:51 PM (+vAGU)
I hope the writing goes well.
How did your editing of the Russian Great Patriotic War novel go?
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:51 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: Pepe, The Irredeemable at October 22, 2016 09:51 PM (cMIkI)
Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 22, 2016 09:51 PM (kP16F)
Posted by: Chi-town Jerry at October 22, 2016 09:52 PM (UpGcq)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:52 PM (bpfzP)
Nobody liked them then, you won't like them now.
Posted by: Chi at October 22, 2016 09:43 PM (HiHJN)
"Our new Acme brand safety burqua makes muslimas visible to motorists on even the darkest, rainiest night. So you will no longer have any excuse for hitting them with your truck. Not that you needed one, anyway, right?"
Posted by: Acme Corp. at October 22, 2016 09:52 PM (CUYn5)
Piggy will probably come by and see if I am dead and if she can eat me yet.
Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 22, 2016 09:52 PM (hVdx9)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:53 PM (u82oZ)
Proof that a woman can be funny.
Posted by: Amy Schumer at October 22, 2016 09:53 PM (R+30W)
Because she's dead.
Posted by: Cuttingtom at October 22, 2016 09:38 PM
Oh yeah, another flashback to grade school.
How did Helen Keller burne her fingers? She tried to read the waffle iron.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They rearranged the furniture.
Posted by: Farmer at October 22, 2016 09:53 PM (o/90i)
It's hard enough to carve a canyon!!
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:53 PM (+vAGU)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:53 PM (bpfzP)
Because she was an anchorwoman.
Posted by: Mark1971 at October 22, 2016 09:44 PM (gdnq1)
I had a really nasty idea for a Halloween costume that year. It's just as well that I didn't do it.
Posted by: rickl the deplorable at October 22, 2016 09:54 PM (sdi6R)
Posted by: Chi-town Jerry at October 22, 2016 09:52 PM (UpGcq)
She is indeed. If she is not the Democratic nominee at some point, then something has gone wrong with someone's plan. I hope to be part of that "something has gone wrong."
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 09:54 PM (iMxBJ)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:54 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: NaCly Dog at October 22, 2016 09:54 PM (u82oZ)
Posted by: eleven at October 22, 2016 09:55 PM (qUNWi)
He crosses the street onto the block with the town's church. As he pulls the wagon over the curb, the other front wheel falls off. "God Dammit!", and he puts the wheel back on.
The pastor walks out of the church just as Timmy is passing, and one of the back wheels falls off. "Dammit to Hell!", he says, as he puts the wheel back on.
"Timmy," intones the pastor, "you shouldn't use such language. We should praise God in all that we do."
Timmy takes no more than three steps, when the fourth wheel falls off his wagon. Timmy shrugs, raises his eyes, and yells "Praise the Lord!" And the wheel jumps back onto the wagon.
The pastor says "I'll be damned."
Posted by: mikeski at October 22, 2016 09:55 PM (xBtcS)
evening all.
Posted by: Cannibal Bob 'it all tastes like chicken' at October 22, 2016 09:56 PM (OkKDg)
"Gentlemen, we're very glad to have you here, but I do wish for you to indulge me. Given your talents I would like to enjoy the fruits of a friendly poetry competition between the two of you. I would like for you to each compose a poem right now. To make it challenging, you must use the word
'Timbuktu'"
Wordsworth scratches his beard for a moment, then starts:
"With my back to this great green land,
I stand upon a stretch of sand.
A sailing ship comes into view.
Destination: Timbuktu"
Saint Peter tilts back with an expression of happy astonishment. "That was wonderful!" Gathering himself, he turns to Keats, "And, sir, would you please favor us with your entry?"
Keats clears his throat and starts,
"Tim and I a-walking went.
Spied three damsels in a tent.
They were three, yet we were two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."
Posted by: CranfordPundit at October 22, 2016 09:56 PM (f4+Rf)
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 09:56 PM (Nox3c)
Posted by: Grump928(C) at October 22, 2016 09:56 PM (0F67M)
Oh my goodness I wish Ron Santo was here to do the color commentary on the radio. He'd be bursting an artery.
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:54 PM (bpfzP)
I agree.
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 09:56 PM (8iiMU)
Here's one of them.
http://tinyurl.com/hnjjn7f
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 09:56 PM (iMxBJ)
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 09:56 PM (Nox3c)
===========================================
Yup. Tut Tut it looks like rain. Oh bother, let's call it.
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:57 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:57 PM (+vAGU)
Just make sure any leftover beer is out of her reach-- it's not good for kittehs (but you know that).
Posted by: Basement Cat at October 22, 2016 09:57 PM (3C9q2)
Posted by: tu3031 at October 22, 2016 09:58 PM (qJhUV)
Posted by: Donna&&&&V.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 09:58 PM (P8951)
Because he was nailed to a chicken!
Posted by: Grump928(C) at October 22, 2016 09:56 PM (0F67M)
We used to tell this joke as:
Why did the baby cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chicken!
Posted by: @DangerGirl (gab.ai) and her Deplorable 1.21 gigawatt Sanity Prod at October 22, 2016 09:59 PM (+eR2D)
In a hospital one evening, a nurse carrying a kettle of boiling water is chasing a screaming patient down the corridor...
The doctor grabs her by the arm and says "I told you to prick his boil!"
Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 22, 2016 10:00 PM (kP16F)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 10:00 PM (+vAGU)
"Whaddya think of these?" Bill asked the Marine guard. "I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
The Marine guard looked at the hogs and immediately replied, "Nice trade, sir."
Posted by: OregonMuse, deplorable since 2004 at October 22, 2016 10:00 PM (miFp6)
Grammie, imagine Harry Caray.
Posted by: DonnaV.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 09:58 PM (P8951)
=====================================
Oh my gosh, he was something else. I'll never forget the time he called Ryne Sandberg the World's Perfect Man.
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:00 PM (bpfzP)
If the Cleveland Indians AND the Chicago Cubs go to the same World's Series then we're not actually living in the real would now that we have always known, but have shifted over to some weird parallel universe.
Posted by: An Observer at October 22, 2016 10:01 PM (ErZHv)
Nobody liked them then, you won't like them now.
Posted by: Chi at October 22, 2016 09:43 PM
I thought they were pretty funny, some I hadn't heard. Come on I'm sure you got more.
Back when we were telling jokes in grade school I also remember circumcision jokes. Only one I remember is...did you hear about the wallet made out of foreskins. When you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!
Posted by: Farmer at October 22, 2016 10:01 PM (o/90i)
Why did the baby cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chicken!
Posted by: @DangerGirl (gab.ai) and her Deplorable 1.21 gigawatt Sanity Prod at October 22, 2016 09:59 PM (+eR2D)
Bad dead baby jokes are an entire genre.
http://tinyurl.com/zyl4osb
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 10:01 PM (iMxBJ)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:54 PM
-------------------------------
Yeah, I was going to post what Mr. DeVille said (in all seriousness) as a bad joke.
"If only Santo were alive to see this game! The excitement would kill him!"
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 10:01 PM (Nox3c)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:01 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Acme Corp. at October 22, 2016 10:01 PM (CUYn5)
Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 22, 2016 10:01 PM (hVdx9)
What do you call 80 guys on a couch watching the World Series in late October?
Dodgers and Blue Jays.
Posted by: The Duke of Mish at October 22, 2016 10:02 PM (Tyii7)
Ah yes. What's the difference between a wagon load of bowling balls and a wagon load of dead babies?
Posted by: Grump928(C) at October 22, 2016 10:02 PM (0F67M)
Posted by: Marcel Marceau at October 22, 2016 10:02 PM (IqV8l)
"Little Johnny, suppose there are four crows sitting on a fence, and you shoot one. How many are left on the fence?"
"None, ma'am. Because the others flew away."
"Well, the answer is three, but I like the way you're thinking, Johnny."
"Let me ask you a questionn" says Little Johnny - "there are three ladies standing on the corner with ice cream cones. One is licking hers, the next one is biting hers, and the third one is sucking on hers. Which one is married?"
Taking a stab in the dark, the teacher nervously says "I guess the one sucking on it?"
"No." Says Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring. but I like the way you're thinking."
Posted by: Chi at October 22, 2016 10:02 PM (HiHJN)
==============================
It would - no doubt.
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:02 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: OregonMuse, deplorable since 2004 at October 22, 2016 10:03 PM (miFp6)
Posted by: Ryne Sandberg at October 22, 2016 10:03 PM (cMIkI)
Neutrinos
Leptons
Hadrons
The Cubs Cannot Win The World Series
Strong Force
Electro-Weak Force
Parity symmetry with breaking
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 10:03 PM (iMxBJ)
Ronnie, would have a heart attack on the air. God love him
Posted by: TheQuietMan at October 22, 2016 10:03 PM (auHtY)
Posted by: Grump928(C) at October 22, 2016 10:04 PM (0F67M)
Posted by: Jim S. at October 22, 2016 10:04 PM (/jjfF)
Posted by: Grump928(C) at October 22, 2016 10:02 PM (0F67M
Several million dollars.
Posted by: Planned Parenthood at October 22, 2016 10:04 PM (cMIkI)
A Texas moron meet-up.
Posted by: lindafell- Irredeemable, deplorable, racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, islamaphobic, knuckle-d at October 22, 2016 10:05 PM (mkW7v)
Posted by: Donna&&&&V.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 10:05 PM (P8951)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:05 PM (bpfzP)
It's hard enough to carve a canyon!!
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:53 PM (+vAGU)
We know we are getting old when the "little blue pill" we are excited about taking is Naproxen Sodium
Posted by: Kindltot at October 22, 2016 10:05 PM (lPUaT)
one has a cunning array of stunts...
Posted by: buzzsaw90 at October 22, 2016 10:05 PM (EZDs2)
Posted by: Jim S. at October 22, 2016 10:05 PM (/jjfF)
Posted by: SMOD at October 22, 2016 10:05 PM (cMIkI)
You can load one with a pitchfork.
Posted by: tu3031 at October 22, 2016 10:06 PM (qJhUV)
A cat with a hole in it thiiiiiiiis big!
::makes goatse hands::
Posted by: Grump928(C) at October 22, 2016 10:06 PM (0F67M)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:06 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 22, 2016 10:07 PM (hVdx9)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:07 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 10:08 PM (+vAGU)
Posted by: Grump928(C) at October 22, 2016 10:08 PM (0F67M)
As the economy worsens, he can't give up the job, despite longer and longer delivery trips.
He finally winds up on a cross-country delivery to Las Vegas. Tired of life in the hotels, he asks around town for a place where he can get whatever he wants.
So he takes his pay out to the Ranch. "Madam," he says, "I want the ugliest woman in the place. And a baloney sandwich."
"Sir," she says, "this is a high-end establishment. All of our women are beautiful, and we can serve you the finest of meals. Why would you want that?"
"Okay, then I'll take the oldest woman in the place, but I want a baloney sandwich." And he slaps down a wad of cash.
"Sir, I'm sorry, but none of our escorts are older than twenty-five. With this much, you could have two or three of them..."
"Fine, then give me the fattest woman in the place, but I insist on the baloney sandwich."
"I apologize again, but all of our girls are quite fit. We have a great health plan. Can I ask why you have such... unconventional requests?"
"Madam," he replied, "you've misread me. I'm not horny. I'm homesick!"
Posted by: mikeski at October 22, 2016 10:09 PM (xBtcS)
"SOON".....
Posted by: SMOD
Okay, okay...but could you hold off a little bit? We're trying to have a World Series here.
Posted by: An Observer at October 22, 2016 10:09 PM (ErZHv)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 10:09 PM (+vAGU)
A woman marries a man from an ethnic group renown for its love of buggery. Her friends warn her that he may tend to go for "the other hole"...
A month after the wedding, her friends ask her if he'd yet gone for "the other hole"...
The bride replied, "He told me that he'd really like to do that, but I might get pregnant and we can't possibly afford to start a family just yet!
Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 22, 2016 10:09 PM (kP16F)
Posted by: Chi-town Jerry at October 22, 2016 10:10 PM (UpGcq)
Posted by: Arnie Fufkin at October 22, 2016 10:10 PM (JUHfN)
http://tinyurl.com/gtvqb28
Posted by: Basement Cat at October 22, 2016 10:10 PM (3C9q2)
Posted by: chavez the hugo at October 22, 2016 10:10 PM (KP5rU)
Posted by: The Padres at October 22, 2016 10:10 PM (Tyii7)
Are those icicles?!!!
Posted by: Satan at October 22, 2016 10:11 PM (+vAGU)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:11 PM (bpfzP)
A Presbyterian minister, a Methodist minister, and a Baptist minister all died at the same time, along with their wives. When they reached the pearly gates, the Presbyterian minister and his wife approached St. Peter first.
Peter said, "You Presbyterians make me sick. All you ever think about is food, food, food, stuffing your face -- and I'll prove it to you: you married a woman named Candy. Get out of here!"
Next came the Methodist minister and his wife. St. Peter said, "You Methodists make me vomit. All you ever think about is money, money, money, lining your own pockets -- and I'll prove it to you: you married a woman named Penny. Get out of here!"
At this point, the Baptist minister turned to his wife and said, "This doesn't look good Fanny."
Posted by: Jim S. at October 22, 2016 10:11 PM (/jjfF)
Posted by: Cannibal Bob 'it all tastes like chicken' at October 22, 2016 10:11 PM (OkKDg)
Posted by: Satan at October 22, 2016 10:12 PM (+vAGU)
Posted by: buzzsaw90 at October 22, 2016 10:12 PM (EZDs2)
Anybody else been watching this team since the early '50's? Earlier?
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:13 PM (bpfzP)
Sock puppet begone
Posted by: Satan at October 22, 2016 10:13 PM (+vAGU)
A Texas moron meet-up.
Posted by: lindafell- Irredeemable, deplorable, racist, sexist,
homophobic, xenophobic, islamaphobic, knuckle-d at October 22, 2016
10:05 PM (mkW7v)
THREADWINNER!
Posted by: @DangerGirl (gab.ai) and her Deplorable 1.21 gigawatt Sanity Prod at October 22, 2016 10:14 PM (+eR2D)
Went to my first game at wriggled in 68
Posted by: Satan at October 22, 2016 10:14 PM (+vAGU)
Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 22, 2016 10:15 PM (hVdx9)
Posted by: Tim in Illinois at October 22, 2016 10:15 PM (d76uN)
patient: is there anything i can do?
doctor: well, my advice is to move to Miami, find yourself an older Jewish woman and marry her.''
Patient: and will I live longer?
Doc: No, but i can guarantee it will be the longest 6 months of your life.
Posted by: Cannibal Bob 'it all tastes like chicken' at October 22, 2016 10:15 PM (OkKDg)
I hate my iPhone
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 10:15 PM (+vAGU)
Remember, do NOT approach the horse from behind.
It is not a goat.
Do NOT approach the horse from behind.
Posted by: JEM at October 22, 2016 10:16 PM (TppKb)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:13 PM (bpfzP)
Since the Doublemint Twins were ova?
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at October 22, 2016 10:16 PM (CUYn5)
============================
My grandpa took me to Wrigley the first time about '59 I think. My aunt lived down by Wrigleyville and it was easy to get to.
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:16 PM (bpfzP)
"Well, if it's anything like fucking a kangaroo, we are going to need all the room we can get."
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 10:17 PM (8iiMU)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 10:17 PM (+vAGU)
The next day, Dad sees Little Johnny pulling the wings off of a butterfly - "that's it! No butter for a week, son!"
Later that evening, at dinner, a cockroach scurries across the floor, and Little Johnny's mom stomps on it. Little Johnny looks up at dad and says "do you want to tell her, or should I? "
Posted by: Chi at October 22, 2016 10:17 PM (HiHJN)
Posted by: Pepe, The Irredeemable at October 22, 2016 10:17 PM (cMIkI)
I'm quite happy with my two-models-old Samsung, as opposed to the Flaming Death In The Skies version.
Posted by: JEM at October 22, 2016 10:17 PM (TppKb)
Posted by: Cannibal Bob 'it all tastes like chicken' at October 22, 2016 10:17 PM (OkKDg)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 09:54 PM (bpfzP)
I agree.
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 09:56 PM
Or imagine Harry Caray. He'd be spitting and sputtering and prolly drunk out of his mind by the end.
Posted by: Farmer at October 22, 2016 10:17 PM (o/90i)
Well, if it were the Braves and the Indians we might have a cultural-appropriation war.
Posted by: JEM at October 22, 2016 10:18 PM (TppKb)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:13 PM (bpfzP)
Late 60s. My Dad always liked Don Kessinger at shortstop.
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 10:18 PM (8iiMU)
Mine took me to my first Tribe game in '65.
Posted by: The Duke of Mish at October 22, 2016 10:18 PM (Tyii7)
Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at October 22, 2016 10:19 PM (n3MnG)
Posted by: Pepe, The Irredeemable at October 22, 2016 10:19 PM (cMIkI)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 10:19 PM (+vAGU)
Posted by: Just Dave at October 22, 2016 10:19 PM (RMHhM)
Posted by: French Jeton at October 22, 2016 10:19 PM (WMvHw)
Remember, do NOT approach the horse from behind.
It is not a goat.
Do NOT approach the horse from behind.
Posted by: JEM at October 22, 2016 10:16 PM (TppKb)
Heh. There's a wonderful short video out there, can't remember where, of a drunk party chick who thought it would be a great idea to go over and slap a police horse on the butt. Of course it kicked, and she staggered back into camera range with blood on her face.
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 10:19 PM (iMxBJ)
As Trigglypuff heads explode across the nation.
Posted by: The Duke of Mish at October 22, 2016 10:20 PM (Tyii7)
Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 22, 2016 10:20 PM (hVdx9)
Anybody else been watching this team since the early '50's? Earlier?
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:13 PM
-------------------------
Mr. DeVille since the mid-50's.
I wonder if I should shove a mini-aspirin in his mouth.
I mean, he doesn't have a heart problem, but.....it wouldn't hurt, would it?
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 10:20 PM (Nox3c)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 10:21 PM (+vAGU)
My dad didn't live to see the Phillies win their first WS in 1980. On the other hand, my cats' vet is a Cubs fan (went to vet school in Illinois) and said last year that his dad died without seeing the Cubs in the Series and he'd probably do the same. I'm glad he's still around to see the playoffs this year as well as take care of my cats, because he's an excellent vet who really likes kittehs as well as the Cubs.
Posted by: Basement Cat at October 22, 2016 10:21 PM (3C9q2)
Whats the difference between and Italian wife and an Italian lover? 30 pounds.
Posted by: Cannibal Bob 'it all tastes like chicken' at October 22, 2016 10:21 PM (OkKDg)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 10:19 PM (+vAGU)
==========================================
You're kidding. Wow!
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:21 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 10:21 PM (8iiMU)
My dad didn't live to see the Phillies win their first WS in 1980. On the other hand, my cats' vet is a Cubs fan (went to vet school in Illinois) and said last year that his dad died without seeing the Cubs in the Series and he'd probably do the same. I'm glad he's still around to see the playoffs this year as well as take care of my cats, because he's an excellent vet who really likes kittehs as well as the Cubs.
Posted by: Basement Cat
****
He certainly educated you about the kitties (and now by extension, me).
Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 22, 2016 10:22 PM (hVdx9)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:22 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: chavez the hugo
-----------------
Ahhh - one of my favorites.
I tell that joke whenever I see a guy wearing crocs.
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a dude. It feels good until you look down and realize that you're gay.
Posted by: Chi at October 22, 2016 10:22 PM (HiHJN)
Might lead to dancing.
Posted by: Dave at Buffalo Roam at October 22, 2016 10:22 PM (H8z+I)
No !!!! Leave him in !!!
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:22 PM (bpfzP)
And so it begins....sigh.....
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 10:22 PM (8iiMU)
Posted by: Commissioner Gordon at October 22, 2016 10:22 PM (iMxBJ)
I grew up within a mile of wrigley
My sisters and I would hit the bleachers after the 7th inning stretch after school growing up...it was free to get in
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 10:23 PM (+vAGU)
Because it's half way to the surrender position.
Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 22, 2016 10:23 PM (hVdx9)
Posted by: tu3031 at October 22, 2016 10:23 PM (qJhUV)
Three men die and stand before St Peter at the Pearly Gates...
St Peter asks the first man, "What is your IQ, my son?" He replies "170", and St Peter says, "Enter, my son and take your place with Aristotle, Newton, and Einstein!"
St Peter ask the second man the same question and he replies "150", and St Peter says, "Enter, my son and take your place with Archimedes, Da Vinci, and Edison!"
The third man approaches and tells St Peter that his IQ is "average", and St Peter asks, "Did ya make E-6 before ya got out?"
Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 22, 2016 10:23 PM (kP16F)
Posted by: Farmer at October 22, 2016 10:17 PM (o/90i)
... or by the second inning...
Posted by: No One of Consequence at October 22, 2016 10:23 PM (BXC+l)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:23 PM (bpfzP)
I said, "Why?"
"Because I'm trying to examine you."
Posted by: Bob Zany's best joke ever at October 22, 2016 10:23 PM (UW4Uc)
Clayton Kershaw is the Alex Ovechkin of baseball. Playoff liability.
I would not be surprIsed if they trade him in the offseason.
Posted by: Czar Peter at October 22, 2016 10:24 PM (qaWk6)
It's not as bad as it sounds... he's fully recovered.
Posted by: Average Guy at October 22, 2016 10:24 PM (LMcFk)
It's not over. aaaaaauuuuggggghhhhh
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 10:24 PM (Nox3c)
Posted by: Steve Bartman, Cubs Manager at October 22, 2016 10:24 PM (cMIkI)
Posted by: Frankly at October 22, 2016 10:24 PM (WAoZO)
When I was little my mom used to sell soda at wrigley
We'd visit after the game but I'd usually go check out the fire trucks
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 10:24 PM (+vAGU)
Posted by: L, Elle at October 22, 2016 10:25 PM (6IPEM)
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 10:25 PM (8iiMU)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 10:25 PM (+vAGU)
Yeah, they'll probably trade him to the Sox for David Price.
Posted by: tu3031 at October 22, 2016 10:25 PM (qJhUV)
Q: What's the difference between the Philadelphia Phillies and the Chicago Cubs?
A: The last Phillies World Series team picture isn't in black and white.
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 10:25 PM (iMxBJ)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:26 PM (bpfzP)
Two baby boys are born the same day in the same hospital and are put in cribs next to each other in the maternity ward.
75 years later the same two men end up on their death beds in the same hospital on beds next to each other. One looks over to the other and asks, "So ... what did you think?"
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at October 22, 2016 10:26 PM (zc3Db)
You could eat the bowling ball if you had to
Posted by: nsirchov at October 22, 2016 10:26 PM (bEru7)
Why did the Parisians plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
So the Germans could march in the shade.
Posted by: Basement Cat at October 22, 2016 10:26 PM (3C9q2)
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 10:26 PM (8iiMU)
Posted by: Amy Schumer at October 22, 2016 10:26 PM (R+30W)
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 10:26 PM (+vAGU)
Posted by: Donna&&&&V.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 10:27 PM (P8951)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:27 PM (bpfzP)
And OH will go for Trump while IL will not so screw them.
Posted by: Czar Peter at October 22, 2016 10:27 PM (qaWk6)
They're Both Fun To Ride Until Your Friends find out you are riding one.
Posted by: Willy J. at October 22, 2016 10:28 PM (Ha50C)
I have a map if the U.S. It's actual size.
At the bottom is says 'One mile equals....one mile'
Posted by: Deporable Ian Galt at October 22, 2016 10:28 PM (8iiMU)
I should.....
no, I can't get the champagne glasses out.
That would be certain doooooom.
Inxjay oomday.
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 10:28 PM (Nox3c)
>> an Italian lover? 30 pounds.
Heaven: where the French are the cooks, the British are the police, the Italians are the lovers, and everything's run by the Germans.
Hell: where the British are the cooks, the French are the police, the Germans are the lovers, and everything's run by the Italians.
Posted by: JEM at October 22, 2016 10:29 PM (TppKb)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:29 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: L, Elle at October 22, 2016 10:29 PM (6IPEM)
T has the champagne out icing
It's almost time
Posted by: Navycopjoe at October 22, 2016 09:57 PM
Be careful, last time they were in playoffs we bought champagne and they lost.
Nw this time, my wife says if she has the Cheetos out they will win. It's my fault I didn't buy real Cheetos for one of their earlier losses. LOL
Nah Cubs fans aren't superstitious, why do you say that?
Posted by: Farmer at October 22, 2016 10:29 PM (o/90i)
You could eat the bowling ball if you had to
Posted by: nsirchov
****
Boooooo.
One of my Irish ancestors here in America loved two things- getting drunk and getting into fights.
He would go into bars full of Polish coal miners and start telling Pollack jokes. It was not unusual for him to take on 2-3 guys at once. He won as often as he lost. A pajama boy he was not.
Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 22, 2016 10:29 PM (hVdx9)
Posted by: chavez the hugo at October 22, 2016 10:29 PM (KP5rU)
Posted by: tu3031 at October 22, 2016 10:29 PM (qJhUV)
Posted by: Donna&&&&V.(brandishing ampersands) at October 22, 2016 10:29 PM (P8951)
You mean a homo? That's not an ethnic group. And why would a straight woman marry a homo? That makes no sense. This joke is no good. I want my money back.
Posted by: OregonMuse, deplorable since 2004 at October 22, 2016 10:30 PM (miFp6)
I should.....
no, I can't get the champagne glasses out.
That would be certain doooooom.
Inxjay oomday.
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 10:28 PM (Nox3c)
Not until the last out. Don't even think it.
Posted by: TheQuietMan at October 22, 2016 10:30 PM (auHtY)
=========================================
Agony? Nausea? Shortness of breath?
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:31 PM (bpfzP)
>> an Italian lover? 30 pounds.
Heaven: where the French are the cooks, the British are the police, the Italians are the lovers, and everything's run by the Germans.
Hell: where the British are the cooks, the French are the police, the Germans are the lovers, and everything's run by the Italians.
Posted by: JEM at October 22, 2016 10:29 PM (TppKb)
LOL!
Posted by: Cannibal Bob 'it all tastes like chicken' at October 22, 2016 10:31 PM (OkKDg)
Posted by: Anon Y. Mous at October 22, 2016 10:31 PM (R+30W)
Posted by: JEM at October 22, 2016 10:31 PM (TppKb)
I bought some powdered water. I don't know what to add.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now I can't find him anywhere.
Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 22, 2016 10:32 PM (hVdx9)
Posted by: L, Elle at October 22, 2016 10:29 PM (6IPEM)
I put the game on for 2 minutes. It's all 1908, 1945 and Joe Suck's annoying voice.
Posted by: TheQuietMan at October 22, 2016 10:32 PM (auHtY)
I love that joke but I always forgot how the lists actually go. Thanks.
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at October 22, 2016 10:32 PM (zc3Db)
Guy says "I'm not crazy. I want a second opinion."
Shrink says "Your tie is ugly as fuck too."
Posted by: Colonel Kurtz at October 22, 2016 10:33 PM (3e+65)
Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 22, 2016 10:33 PM (kP16F)
A woman marries a man from an ethnic group renown for its love of buggery
You mean a homo? That's not an ethnic group. And why would a straight woman marry a homo? That makes no sense. This joke is no good. I want my money back.
It was Greek to me.
Posted by: Casca at October 22, 2016 10:33 PM (IqV8l)
I came home one day, put my key in the door, turned it... and my house started up.... So I took it for a drive. After a while a cop pulled me over, and said "Where do you live?" I said "Right here"
And
I came home one day, and found that all my stuff had been stolen and replaced by an exact replica. I told my roommate "Someone's stolen all my stuff and replaced it with an exact replica". He said "Who are you?"
Posted by: No One of Consequence at October 22, 2016 10:33 PM (BXC+l)
Posted by: L, Elle at October 22, 2016 10:33 PM (6IPEM)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:33 PM (bpfzP)
Posted by: Czar Peter at October 22, 2016 10:34 PM (qaWk6)
Posted by: An Observer at October 22, 2016 10:01 PM
Where Hillary is defeated and retires from politics in disgrace! Go Cubs Go!
Posted by: Farmer at October 22, 2016 10:34 PM (o/90i)
Somewhere I have a somewhat lightweight Churchill biography that referred to British cooking as (not an exact quote) as having a perfectly good pheasant or woodcock run the gamut of a British kitchen and end up tasting like a ski-boot broiled in shampoo.
Posted by: JEM at October 22, 2016 10:34 PM (TppKb)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:35 PM (bpfzP)
"Yes?"
"I just wanted to tell you that I took Viagra and I've had a raging hard-on for 5 hours!"
"Why are you calling me?"
"I'm calling everybody!"
Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at October 22, 2016 10:35 PM (zc3Db)
Posted by: L, Elle at October 22, 2016 10:35 PM (6IPEM)
Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 22, 2016 10:35 PM (Nox3c)
Posted by: Czar Peter at October 22, 2016 10:36 PM (qaWk6)
Posted by: Ask Mr. Lizard at October 22, 2016 10:36 PM (7UM6E)
http://tinyurl.com/zyl4osb
Posted by: Splunge at October 22, 2016 10:01 PM
I forgot about those.
How do you make a dead baby float? 1 dead baby and 2 scoops of ice cream.
Posted by: Farmer at October 22, 2016 10:36 PM (o/90i)
Posted by: Czar Peter at October 22, 2016 10:37 PM (qaWk6)
If the Cleveland Indians AND the Chicago Cubs go to the same World's
Series then we're not actually living in the real would now that we have
always known, but have shifted over to some weird parallel universe.
Posted by: An Observer at October 22, 2016 10:01 PM
> "Where Hillary is defeated and retires from politics in disgrace! Go Cubs Go!"
I was about to add that if someone had told me 20 years ago that the two final presidential contenders facing off in 2016 would be Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, I would have said the same thing.
Posted by: An Observer at October 22, 2016 10:41 PM (ErZHv)
Go Cubs.
i stopped being a Dodger fan the day the O'Malley's sold the team.
Posted by: redc1c4 at October 22, 2016 10:48 PM (LGcdt)
Posted by: grammie winger at October 22, 2016 10:13 PM
Nope, but my wife has since ca. 1965. However Grandma said her father used to listen to them on the radio in the barn in the early 1900s.
Posted by: Farmer at October 22, 2016 10:48 PM (o/90i)
And that's way there's a semaphore station and signal flag mast at Wrigley.
Chicago expects each man to fly his W.
Posted by: Stringer Davis at October 22, 2016 10:53 PM (H5rtT)
Posted by: Farmer at October 22, 2016 11:04 PM (o/90i)
Posted by: Slash_buzz at October 22, 2016 11:07 PM (X+1Y0)
Posted by: Slash_buzz at October 22, 2016 11:07 PM (X+1Y0)
One is a bunch of cunning runts.
Posted by: Buford Gooch at October 22, 2016 11:16 PM (bOtTO)
So, the Newfies do like they were told.
One of them says to the other, "You know that guy was right. This is so much easier."
The other one says, "Yeah, but we keep getting farther away from the truck."
Posted by: Buford Gooch at October 22, 2016 11:24 PM (bOtTO)
"I crashed on a dinosaur planet that had reached a steam-engine level of technology. They would repair my hull, but not for free. To work off the cost, they hollowed out the false tooth of one of their elders as my living quarters, and I patrolled his mouth for parasites after meals. After seven years, my debt was discharged, and here I am."
"So you've been a slave to these monstrous reptiles all this time?"
"No! I was never a slave -- an indentured servant."
Posted by: Whiggish Boffin at October 22, 2016 11:36 PM (Ginyz)
Posted by: Richard McEnroe at October 22, 2016 11:50 PM (Kucy5)
Posted by: Richard McEnroe at October 22, 2016 11:51 PM (Kucy5)
Posted by: Richard McEnroe at October 22, 2016 11:51 PM (Kucy5)
"Hell: where the British are the cooks, the French are the police, the Germans are the lovers, and everything's run by the Italians."
Here's the Asian version of that joke:
Heaven: Chinese food, Japanese wife, English home, American salary
Hell: English food, American wife, Japanese home, Chinese salary
Posted by: Secret Square at October 23, 2016 12:12 AM (9WuX0)
I'm a vegetarian. Not because I love animals, because I really hate plants.
Posted by: Kaisersoze at October 23, 2016 12:57 AM (xIE/F)
What if Hillary is like that? I hope she is physically weak and feeble, so maybe she will have to drop out at some point. But what if she is some supernatural grotesque thing, and if she is ever in the vicinity of Trump she will mutate into some 10' tall monster and bite his head off?
Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at October 23, 2016 04:10 AM (dtWKK)
Posted by: Vic We Have No Party at October 23, 2016 05:39 AM (mpXpK)
Two guys walk into a bar,
the third guy ducks.
A bear walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says "We don't serve bears here".
Bear- "Gimme a drink!"
bar- "Don't think I should"
Bear- "Gimme a drink or I'll eat that waitress!"
Bartender -"No"
the bear eats the waitress and comes back,"Now give me a drink!"
Bartender- "now I definitely can't give you alcohol"
Bear- "why not?"
Bartender- "You just had that bar-bitch-you-ate"
Posted by: JoshO at October 23, 2016 10:45 AM (1uOER)
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