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Science Proves: All the Best Donuts Are Not Actually True Donuts at All

Exhibit A: The Coffee Roll

Phasers on Star Trek have three settings: Stun, Kill, and Coffee Roll.

coffeeroll.jpg

Exhibit B: The Eclair.

From the French for "lightning," the eclair was invented by a psychiatrist as a delicious alternative to electroshock therapy for schizophrenics.

eclair.jpg

Exhibit C: The Cheese Danish

Cheese Danishes have a mix of flavors and textures that make them, in scientific terms, "a gang-bang for your face."

CheeseDanish.jpg

Exhibit D: The Bear Claw.

The bear claw is the bully of the pastry shop window, with a dozen smaller, more effeminate donuts it's turned into its sad little bitches and tricks following behind it.

bearclaw.JPG

Exhibit E: The Apple Fritter.

The so-called "Emperor of Pastries" makes your stupid little glazed donut look sad and weak like Barack Obama's gay arms.

applefritter

Exhibit F: The Cinnamon Bun.

Cinnamon Buns have been proven to be responsible for America's obesity epidemic and diabetic crisis, and also totally worth it.

cinnamonbun.jpg


Bonus: Worst Donuts.

1. Jelly Donuts.

Jelly donuts are always what's left after people eat the real donuts.

Jelly donuts are consolation prizes for losers who came late.

They taste like failure for a reason. If you're eating a jelly donut, that's because you're not a competitor and you don't have any friends to set aside a good donut for you.

2. Plain Donuts.

Plain donuts are also called "not donuts" or "ring-shaped bread."

Plain donuts were invented for parents who don't love their children. They are also sometimes put out as bait for poisoning rats, though they have a 75% failure rate. Rats don't like them either. Sometimes a poisoned plain donut will be found intact, with a dead rat next to it -- rats will lick the poison off the plain donut while avoiding the plain donut itself.

According to Leviticus, you are supposed to pay the dowry of an ugly woman in plain donuts.

3. Powdered Sugar Donuts.

Powdered sugar donuts are made primarily by mental degenerates employed by donut shops as charity hires. They are sometimes called "Retard Donuts."

To compare powdered sugar donuts to the Holocaust would be to trivialize the horror of powdered sugar donuts.

Posted by: Ace at 03:00 PM




Comments

(Jump to bottom of comments)

1 Now i want a dang danish

Posted by: FCF at May 18, 2016 03:01 PM (kejii)

2 I love science, sexually.

Posted by: johnd01 at May 18, 2016 03:02 PM (ukNFU)

3 Not doing low carb anymore I take it

Posted by: brak at May 18, 2016 03:02 PM (MJuTN)

4 I can't believe nobody's said it.

Mmmmmm......donuts.

Posted by: Weirddave at May 18, 2016 03:02 PM (N8hFs)

5 or an apple fritter...

Posted by: FCF at May 18, 2016 03:03 PM (kejii)

6 Pastry pr0n.

Posted by: Anon Y. Mous at May 18, 2016 03:03 PM (R+30W)

7 Got milk?

Posted by: Jessica Simpson at May 18, 2016 03:03 PM (OD2E1)

8 So begins the donut wars...

Posted by: HH at May 18, 2016 03:03 PM (DrCtv)

9 The bacon-wrapped deep-fried Krispy Kreme?

Posted by: Roy at May 18, 2016 03:03 PM (VndSC)

10 I think more research is in order here.

I'm off to Dunkin' Donuts, Au Bon Pain, Cinnabon...

I'll get back to you with my results.

Posted by: turfmann at May 18, 2016 03:03 PM (zTikR)

11 What, no longjohns, cream-filled, or jam/jelly filled? This is an outrage!

OTOH, pecan rolls, Swiss rolls, and krugel. Mmmm. Breakfast of champions.

Posted by: Lance McCormick at May 18, 2016 03:03 PM (u0s1P)

12 Dammit Ace, I'm theoretically on a diet! Grumble grumble Dunkin' grumble...

Posted by: joncelli, Political Tractor Pull Fan at May 18, 2016 03:03 PM (Pby3z)

13
The top one looks like dog poop.

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:03 PM (7gCCJ)

14 Ham and cheese croissant is a favorite, with jalapenos if I'm feeling kinda spicy

Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 03:04 PM (6Ll1u)

15 LOL, Ace. Thanks.

Posted by: Seems Legit at May 18, 2016 03:04 PM (U+nHb)

16 Place up here makes bacon doughnuts.

Posted by: tu3031 at May 18, 2016 03:04 PM (qJhUV)

17 Sure hope none of the horde are on a low carb diet.

Posted by: Duke Lowell at May 18, 2016 03:04 PM (kTF2Z)

18 CURSE YOU, DR. ATKINS!

Posted by: Grump928(c) says Free Soothie!, with purchase of commentor of equal or greater value at May 18, 2016 03:04 PM (evdj2)

19 I love sticky buns

Posted by: Skip at May 18, 2016 03:04 PM (3wHFl)

20 16 Place up here makes bacon doughnuts.
Posted by: tu3031
----------------

Do they deliver?

Posted by: Roy at May 18, 2016 03:04 PM (VndSC)

21 Well, this seems random. and delicious.

Posted by: Gouverneur Morris at May 18, 2016 03:04 PM (dQJCS)

22 They are but humble moons orbiting about me.

Posted by: Hate cake at May 18, 2016 03:05 PM (326rv)

23 Dunkin' Muchkins are dwarf donuts.

Posted by: Neil DeAss Tyson at May 18, 2016 03:05 PM (H9MG5)

24 12 Dammit Ace, I'm theoretically on a diet! Grumble grumble Dunkin' grumble...
Posted by: joncelli, Political Tractor Pull Fan at May 18, 2016 03:03 PM (Pby3z)

_____

If you want to lose weight, never go on a diet. Seriously. Change your eating habits, but don't diet.

Posted by: Monsieur Moo Moo at May 18, 2016 03:05 PM (0LHZx)

25 *Munches on Reese's Pieces*

Posted by: Duke Lowell at May 18, 2016 03:05 PM (kTF2Z)

26 Dang it Ace... I have lurked for years sitting in silent agreement with just about everything. Then I see this just as I am getting back into my low carb diet. You slay me.

Posted by: Monk_token at May 18, 2016 03:05 PM (qLGOQ)

27 Are any of those pastries soaked in booze? Hic.

Posted by: Grandma Hillary at May 18, 2016 03:05 PM (OD2ni)

28 I WANT THAT FUCKING DANISH

Posted by: Grump928(c) says Free Soothie!, with purchase of commentor of equal or greater value at May 18, 2016 03:06 PM (evdj2)

29 I don't like donuts. I didn't care much for them before working at a bakery frying them hours every day, now the smell makes me queasy 30 years later.

Cruellers are pretty good though, they have a different kind of dough and aren't as sweet. But I really don't care much for sweet food.

Except those damn frosted animal cracker circus cookies. I think they put crack in them.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:06 PM (39g3+)

30 Now I want an eclair. At least I can get a hate shake later when I stop by Chick Fil A.

Posted by: Barb the Evil Genius at May 18, 2016 03:06 PM (FQKBL)

31 Place up here makes bacon doughnuts.
Posted by: tu3031
----------------

Do they deliver?
Posted by: Roy

There's a local farmers market that has maple bacon 'longboys', which is english for eclairs made by peasants.

Posted by: Hate cake at May 18, 2016 03:06 PM (326rv)

32 Place up here makes bacon doughnuts.
Posted by: tu3031 at May 18, 2016 03:04 PM (qJhUV)


A lot of places do, but that looks like something that sounds better than it tastes...like Macaroni with cheese with lobster in it - the mac and cheese swallow any taste that the lobster imparts

Posted by: Nevergiveup at May 18, 2016 03:06 PM (Ozsfq)

33 I'd eat them all, and could without remorse.

Posted by: Skip at May 18, 2016 03:06 PM (3wHFl)

34

I come home from hectic, and I see a Food Thread?

eh?

Ace a chef now?

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:06 PM (qCMvj)

35 Delicious, but imma gonna go O/T.

The SCOTUS list is apparently a troll.

http://elections.ap.org/content/trump-unveils-list-11-potential-supreme-court-justices

Don Willett is a fun follow on Twitter:

http://time.com/4340565/donald-trump-supreme-court-don-willett/?xid=tcoshare

Lee is Mike Lee's brother.

One of the others is the ex-wife of Trump critic Charlie Sykes.

People are laughing at this list.

Posted by: Y-not (@moxiemom) at May 18, 2016 03:06 PM (t5zYU)

36 I rarely eat this stuff, but the odd time I go into a donut shop, APPLE FRITTER baby!!

Posted by: Monsieur Moo Moo at May 18, 2016 03:06 PM (0LHZx)

37 Is there anything they can't do?

Posted by: Bertram Cabot Jr. at May 18, 2016 03:06 PM (k4M/B)

38 What- no Cronuts? http://finedininglovers.cdn.crosscast-system.com/BlogPost/l_6483_dulce.de.leche.cronut-2.jpg

Posted by: Scott P at May 18, 2016 03:06 PM (d+gSr)

39 ace, I say this from a place of love and empathy and truly sycophantic worship.

FUCK YOU YOU FURRY FUCK NOW I HAVE TO GO TO KRISPY KREME AND IT'S COLD OUT AND I'M A FRAGILE FUCKING FLOWER!

Please don't ban me.

Posted by: alexthechick- the world is a vampire but not sparkly because no at May 18, 2016 03:07 PM (mf5HN)

40 >>I love sticky buns
Posted by: Skip

Me too!

Posted by: Barry at May 18, 2016 03:07 PM (c7vUv)

41 No kouign Amann?

Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2016 03:07 PM (egOGm)

42 "A flute with no holes is not a flute. A donut with no holes is a danish." - Ty Webb quoting Zen philosopher Basho.

Posted by: Manco at May 18, 2016 03:07 PM (Duizy)

43
Wow, the Democrats are genuinely worried about the unrest in their party. It never occurred to me that Democrat politicians know they have dangerous animals in their base.

Democrats might not be able to control their monster.

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:07 PM (7gCCJ)

44 If an apple fritter identifies as an eclair, is it still an apple fritter?

Posted by: Monsieur Moo Moo at May 18, 2016 03:07 PM (0LHZx)

45 Hey Ace! What is the "KaBoom" of pastry?

----------

BTW, I couldn't remember the name of that cereal so I googled Ace's Cereal and it was the #1 search result.

Posted by: ArthurK at May 18, 2016 03:07 PM (h53OH)

46 On topic, my favorite non-donut donut is the malasada. Just the right level of sweet (as in, not too sweet). Delicious!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malasada

Posted by: Y-not (@moxiemom) at May 18, 2016 03:07 PM (t5zYU)

47 I hit it! I hit every one of them! Twice!

Posted by: Triggly Puff at May 18, 2016 03:08 PM (8TdcF)

48 Bastage! Where's the NSFW warning???

Spoiler alert....

There goes my diet. Spoiled.

Posted by: BurtTC at May 18, 2016 03:08 PM (TOk1P)

49 ace, I say this from a place of love and empathy and truly sycophantic worship.

FUCK YOU YOU FURRY FUCK NOW I HAVE TO GO TO KRISPY KREME AND IT'S COLD OUT AND I'M A FRAGILE FUCKING FLOWER!

Please don't ban me.
Posted by: alexthechick- the world is a vampire but not sparkly because no

Admit it; I was made for you.

Posted by: Hate cake at May 18, 2016 03:08 PM (326rv)

50 Now, do a post on pizza or tacos, and we'll talk. Not those authentic Mex tacos with the cabbage and soft tortilla either. Crappy American tacos with the hard shell and lots of cheese.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:08 PM (39g3+)

51

I guess I'm schizophrenic.
No doubt about it.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:08 PM (qCMvj)

52 HOT NOW

Posted by: Come to me and I will give you succor at May 18, 2016 03:08 PM (evdj2)

53 Oh, damn you ace. It's been years since I've had or thought about having a bear claw...now I want one so bad....

Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:08 PM (u0lmX)

54 I'm not eating carbs, I'm going to drive to the bread store and get a chocolate croissant. You're killing me over here.

Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2016 03:08 PM (egOGm)

55 Do those have gluten in them...?

Posted by: Bacon Jeff at May 18, 2016 03:08 PM (VGRuw)

56 >>in scientific terms, "a gang-bang for your face."


LOL


I'll take the apple fritter...

Posted by: Lizzy at May 18, 2016 03:08 PM (NOIQH)

57 in scientific terms, "a gang-bang for your face."

I volunteer as tribute!

Posted by: Sandra Fluke at May 18, 2016 03:09 PM (BrQrN)

58 And now I am hungry, you son of a bitchin' Ewok!

Posted by: Nom de Blog at May 18, 2016 03:09 PM (HeZ0H)

59 I would so lick all of them.

Posted by: Ariana G. at May 18, 2016 03:09 PM (TOk1P)

60
People are laughing at this list.

Which people? Name them.

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:09 PM (7gCCJ)

61 I have never heard anybody call any of those doughnuts. The common name for them all is "sticky buns"

Posted by: Vic We Have No Party at May 18, 2016 03:09 PM (vvmPQ)

62 Meanwhile...


McCain In Deep Trouble in GOP Primary


Better than doughnuts, it is.

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at May 18, 2016 03:09 PM (4ErVI)

63 IT'S COLD OUT AND I'M A FRAGILE FUCKING FLOWER!

Yeah... fragile.... *backing away slowly*

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:09 PM (39g3+)

64 I'll take a dozen assorted.

Posted by: dantesed at May 18, 2016 03:09 PM (88xKn)

65 46 On topic, my favorite non-donut donut is the malasada. Just the right level of sweet (as in, not too sweet). Delicious!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malasada
Posted by: Y-not (@moxiemom) at May 18, 2016 03:07 PM (t5zYU)

---

Was a staple of mine in Hawaii, especially the ones filled with haupia.

Posted by: SMFH while circling the drain... at May 18, 2016 03:09 PM (rlfds)

66

Ace's French is slacking. He forgot PAIN AU CHOCOLAT!

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:10 PM (qCMvj)

67 24 12 Dammit Ace, I'm theoretically on a diet! Grumble grumble Dunkin' grumble...
Posted by: joncelli, Political Tractor Pull Fan at May 18, 2016 03:03 PM (Pby3z)

_____

If you want to lose weight, never go on a diet. Seriously. Change your eating habits, but don't diet.
Posted by: Monsieur Moo Moo at May 18, 2016 03:05 PM (0LHZx)

You've actually got a point. I've made some progress, and mostly by making sure that I eat three meals and don't snack, plus exercise 5 times a week. I always yo-yo when I diet on an actual diet.

Posted by: joncelli, Political Tractor Pull Fan at May 18, 2016 03:10 PM (Pby3z)

68 'Exhibit A' is called a 'cinnamon roll' here in Clownifornia. Never heard it called "coffee roll"

Posted by: the Butcher at May 18, 2016 03:10 PM (AGJqR)

69 Sweet thread......

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at May 18, 2016 03:10 PM (LA7Cm)

70 I've heard that eclair called a long john. There is another eclair that has a different crust and is more stretched egg shaped.

Posted by: huh? at May 18, 2016 03:10 PM (j2xmV)

71 Is this a cry for help? DON'T DO IT ACE! Put the pastry down!
Think of Dr. Atkins. Think of the speedos you were planning to wear to the beach this weekend. Think of Hillary pointing and laughing at you.

Posted by: angela urkel at May 18, 2016 03:10 PM (hfy+5)

72 Do they deliver?

I think they do deliver:

http://tinyurl.com/jrqtwn7

Posted by: tu3031 at May 18, 2016 03:10 PM (qJhUV)

73 Dunkin Donuts krullers and boston creme donuts FTW!

Posted by: Lizzy at May 18, 2016 03:10 PM (NOIQH)

74 No pancakes for you?

Posted by: eleven at May 18, 2016 03:10 PM (qUNWi)

75 The bagel is the donuts ultimate form.

Posted by: Bernie Sanders at May 18, 2016 03:10 PM (vBeA5)

76 lol @ 35, knew Willet was conservative so liked that his name was on there, but that's pretty funny, guess he's not a fan

Posted by: brak at May 18, 2016 03:10 PM (MJuTN)

77 >>>The bear claw is the bully of the pastry shop window, with a dozen
smaller, more effeminate donuts it's turned into its sad little bitches
and tricks following behind it.<<<



I turn out my pants pockets so the other pastries can grab onto it, letting everyone know their my bitches.

Posted by: a bear claw at May 18, 2016 03:11 PM (H9MG5)

78 I really like the kouign amann pastry. It's pronounced queen aman. I think it's French. It tastes like browned butter. I'm really craving one now.

Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2016 03:11 PM (egOGm)

79 They called me the crown Prince of the 1968 Democrat convention

Posted by: Wood shampoo at May 18, 2016 03:11 PM (Sz0M2)

80 I find the absence of beignets disturbing.

Posted by: Grump928(c) says Free Soothie!, with purchase of commentor of equal or greater value at May 18, 2016 03:11 PM (evdj2)

81
Admit it; I was made for you.
Posted by: Hate cake at May 18, 2016 03:08 PM (326rv)


I admit nothing.

Posted by: alexthechick- the world is a vampire but not sparkly because no at May 18, 2016 03:11 PM (mf5HN)

82 It's been years since I've had or thought about having a bear claw...now I want one so bad...

How YOU doin?

Posted by: The Bear at May 18, 2016 03:11 PM (39g3+)

83 What about beignets? With hot coffee? And they are surprisingly easy to make at home. Just make sure to use peanut oil for frying, rather than vegetable oil, unless you have a nut allergy.

It heats to a higher temp, so the lovely lumps of carbs fry up crisp and hot, and without too much oil. I also like to mix in a bit of cinnamon with the powdered sugar to sprinkle on top.

That said, apple fritters for the win. They are the best things ever.

Posted by: Moki at May 18, 2016 03:11 PM (ezHMO)

84 I always yo-yo when I diet on an actual diet.

Tell me about it. And it makes you too weak to even 'walk the dog'

Posted by: The Yo-Yo at May 18, 2016 03:12 PM (BrQrN)

85 80 I find the absence of beignets disturbing.
Posted by: Grump928(c) says Free Soothie!, with purchase of commentor of equal or greater value at May 18, 2016 03:11 PM (evdj2)

Great minds, Grump

Posted by: Moki at May 18, 2016 03:12 PM (ezHMO)

86 Does everyone else like jelly doughnuts? I don't like them.

Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2016 03:12 PM (egOGm)

87 What? No kolaches?

Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 03:12 PM (6Ll1u)

88 *slurp*

Posted by: Donut-licking pop celebrity at May 18, 2016 03:12 PM (8TdcF)

89 The fact of thew matter is the "Hot Fresh Now" sign is just turning on somewhere in America right now..

And all I have is a six pack of those plastic chocolate Hostess doorstop donuts.

Posted by: IP at May 18, 2016 03:12 PM (aQQbl)

90 Great minds, Grump

A warm beignet with cajun coffee.

mmm....

Posted by: Grump928(c) says Free Soothie!, with purchase of commentor of equal or greater value at May 18, 2016 03:13 PM (evdj2)

91 "Does everyone else like jelly doughnuts? "


Never big on them.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at May 18, 2016 03:13 PM (LA7Cm)

92 Since nobody else has, sacred honor requires me to invoke:

Timbits.

Posted by: Brother Cavil at May 18, 2016 03:13 PM (9krrF)

93 61
I have never heard anybody call any of those doughnuts. The common name for them all is "sticky buns"

*
*
A lot of people call them "lunch." Occasionally, that includes me.

Posted by: Wolfus Aurelius at May 18, 2016 03:13 PM (IuHtL)

94 If you want to lose weight, never go on a diet. Seriously. Change your eating habits, but don't diet.

Yeah, just eat smaller portions, skip certain foods. Its easiest done by cutting out one thing at a time: no more sugary sody pop, ever. Just drink filtered, ice cold water instead (it sounds bland but trust me, its wonderful). Then cut out chips, or whatever. Just a couple of the most sugary bits and you'll see a slow, steady, and effective loss of weight.

Slow and steady is the key. Fast and dramatic is very bad for your body. It will make the body think you are starving and start packing on fat to deal with the lean years.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:13 PM (39g3+)

95 I'm not that crazy about Panera pastries as a whole but their bearclaws are very good.
And, unlike the one pictured here, they have well-articulated toes ---y'no, so you can nibble the little toes off individually before you take a chomp out of the paw itself.

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at May 18, 2016 03:13 PM (T/5A0)

96 68
'Exhibit A' is called a 'cinnamon roll' here in Clownifornia. Never heard it called "coffee roll"

Posted by: the Butcher at May 18, 2016 03:10 PM (AGJqR)

We call them cinnamon rolls here in the South as well. We do call the flat ones with icing cinnamon buns.

Posted by: Vic We Have No Party at May 18, 2016 03:13 PM (vvmPQ)

97 Does everyone else like jelly doughnuts? I don't like them.
---

I like the ones with the lemon goop, but not so much the other ones.

Posted by: Y-not (@moxiemom) at May 18, 2016 03:13 PM (t5zYU)

98 "Does everyone else like jelly doughnuts? "


I was one.

Posted by: JFK at May 18, 2016 03:14 PM (evdj2)

99 A warm beignet with cajun coffee.



mmm....

Posted by: Grump928(c) says Free Soothie!, with purchase of commentor of equal or greater value at May 18, 2016 03:13 PM (evdj2)


Hey, New Orleans, it's called a funnel cake. Get over yourselves.

Posted by: BurtTC at May 18, 2016 03:14 PM (TOk1P)

100 Biggest question re donuts is cake vs raised. I'm a raised gal married to a cake guy.

Posted by: Y-not (@moxiemom) at May 18, 2016 03:14 PM (t5zYU)

101 Wisconsin State Fair cream puffs - heavenly. And they will puff up your waistline in no time.

Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:14 PM (u0lmX)

102 "86 Does everyone else like jelly doughnuts? I don't like them.
Posted by: CaliGirl"


No, I hate jelly doughnuts. I was going to nominate the jelly doughnut as the Kaboom Cereal of pastries, but did not want to offend people that like them.

Posted by: Benji Carver at May 18, 2016 03:14 PM (OD2ni)

103 ...

G-ddammit, ace. Now I want an eclair.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit & Vaginassassin, aka Beth at May 18, 2016 03:14 PM (4df7R)

104 What? No kolaches?
Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 03:12 PM (6Ll1u
__________________________________


ain't that a pig in a blanket kinda thing?

Posted by: Big Tex at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (aQQbl)

105
Hey Ace! What is the "KaBoom" of pastry?
=====

My kids and I were very poor and I am such a bad cook that it is almost legendary. For one of the birthdays I made the 'cinnamon rolls' recipe on the side of the Jiffy Mix box (something like Bisquick, but lots cheaper). Honest to goodness, last year one of the kids wanted me to make those awful 'homemade' rolls. I was having flashbacks of those years -- it wasn't pretty.

Posted by: mustbequantum at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (MIKMs)

106 You missed cherry streusel.

There's a bakery in Adenau, Germany. Well, unless it's been turned into an immigrant flophouse since the last time I was there.

Almost worth the flight just for that.

Posted by: JEM at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (o+SC1)

107 Trump won't win as long as women keep eating these.

Posted by: Ed Rendell at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (TnUKj)

108 13
The top one looks like dog poop.
Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:03 PM (7gCCJ)


Chocolate Crullers. Looks the same going in as coming out.

Posted by: Iblis at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (9221z)

109 Biggest question re donuts is cake vs raised.

Cake doughnuts are an abomination before the Lord.

Posted by: JFK at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (evdj2)

110 dammit

Posted by: Grump928(c) says Free Soothie!, with purchase of commentor of equal or greater value at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (evdj2)

111 >>>91 "Does everyone else like jelly doughnuts? "


Never big on them.

...

Jelly donuts are always what's left after people eat the real donuts.

Jelly donuts are consolation prizes for losers who came late.

They taste like failure for a reason.

Posted by: ace at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (dciA+)

112
It sickens me how quickly you people reject Hostess Donettes, both powdered and chocolate.

How many times have DONETTES been there for you in the middle of the night or in the middle of nowhere in the gas station convenient store, no donut stores anywhere for miles?

Donettes are always there for you. Always have been.

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (7gCCJ)

113 87 What? No kolaches?
Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 03:12 PM (6Ll1u)

Do you, perchance, live near West, Texas? The kolache shops just off I-35 got me and my roommates at Baylor through finals every year.

Posted by: Moki at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (ezHMO)

114 "cake vs raised"


Cake.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (LA7Cm)

115 Y-not,
Raised for me too. Glazed with chocolate.

Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (egOGm)

116 "86 Does everyone else like jelly doughnuts? I don't like them.
Posted by: CaliGirl"


Great. A jelly dougnhut for a jelly fish.

Posted by: Phyllis from The Odd Couple at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (OD2ni)

117 makes your stupid little glazed donut look sad and weak like Barack Obama's gay arms.

Let me point out those were Ten Pound Dumbbells.

And not just any Ten Pound Dumbbells.

Those were United. States. Marine. Ten. Pound. Dumbbells.

Posted by: zombie Josh Earnest at May 18, 2016 03:16 PM (OF/aZ)

118 100 Biggest question re donuts is cake vs raised. I'm a raised gal married to a cake guy.

Posted by: Y-not (@moxiemom) at May 18, 2016 03:14 PM (t5zYU)

My mom made terrific raised doughnuts but they had to be eaten that day. When they were a day old you could pound in nails with them.

However, that was seldom a problem in our house.

Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:16 PM (u0lmX)

119 Leave the donuts. Take the cannoli.

Posted by: Clemenza at May 18, 2016 03:16 PM (H9MG5)

120 Cream puffs are pretty tasty too, nice creamy filling, delicate flaky wrapping. stuff like that is super hard to make though, why it costs so much. Has a whole day's worth of calories, too.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:16 PM (39g3+)

121 The vending machine Honey Bun is clearly the Kaboom of pastries.

Posted by: Grump928(c) says Free Soothie!, with purchase of commentor of equal or greater value at May 18, 2016 03:16 PM (evdj2)

122
Sheesh! Is nothing sacred? Before the landlord doubled my donut shop's rent and it went out of business, I would order a chocolate buttermilk. It's not shaped like a donut but like a little loaf.

Posted by: Bruce With a Wang! at May 18, 2016 03:16 PM (iQIUe)

123 >>Biggest question re donuts is cake vs raised.

Cake donuts are just trans-muffins.

Posted by: Lizzy at May 18, 2016 03:16 PM (NOIQH)

124 >> I'm a raised gal married to a cake guy.

Used to be raised, now I'm cake.

Posted by: JEM at May 18, 2016 03:16 PM (o+SC1)

125 Yeah, just eat smaller portions, skip certain foods. Its easiest done by cutting out one thing at a time: no more sugary sody pop, ever. Just drink filtered, ice cold water instead (it sounds bland but trust me, its wonderful). Then cut out chips, or whatever. Just a couple of the most sugary bits and you'll see a slow, steady, and effective loss of weight.

Slow and steady is the key. Fast and dramatic is very bad for your body. It will make the body think you are starving and start packing on fat to deal with the lean years.
Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:13 PM (39g3+)

_____

PREACH IT BRUTHA!!

This is such a simple concept yet it's ignored. After all you can't sell a book telling people don't drink Coke and don't eat crap. But you can sell a book with all sorts of ways to lose 20 lbs in 20 days (only to put on 25 lbs the next 20 days).

Posted by: Monsieur Moo Moo at May 18, 2016 03:17 PM (0LHZx)

126 Does everyone else like jelly doughnuts? I don't like them.

Posted by: CaliGirl"


-------------------------------


No, I hate jelly doughnuts. I was going to nominate the jelly
doughnut as the Kaboom Cereal of pastries, but did not want to offend
people that like them.

Posted by: Benji Carver at May 18, 2016 03:14 PM (OD2ni)


Not all jelly donuts are the same. We have a place around here, I have to take other roads, so as to avoid them. Jelly donuts to make all your other pastries weep with shame and envy.

Posted by: BurtTC at May 18, 2016 03:17 PM (TOk1P)

127 Thunderbuns...

The Lena Dunham of pastries.


Posted by: Bruce at May 18, 2016 03:17 PM (8ikIW)

128 If you just knew as much about politics as you do about doughnuts.

Posted by: jwest at May 18, 2016 03:17 PM (Zs4uk)

129 "Jelly donuts are always what's left after people eat the real donuts.

Jelly donuts are consolation prizes for losers who came late.

They taste like failure for a reason.
Posted by: ace"


So they are the Kaboom of pastries.

Posted by: Phyllis from The Odd Couple at May 18, 2016 03:17 PM (OD2ni)

130 Where's the link to this story?

Posted by: Serious Cat at May 18, 2016 03:17 PM (UypUQ)

131 I'd like to add croissants to the list - especially the ones with chocolate.

Posted by: Lizzy at May 18, 2016 03:17 PM (NOIQH)

132 Politics has driven ace to binge eat sweets like Lena Dunham after a breakup.

Posted by: angela urkel at May 18, 2016 03:17 PM (hfy+5)

133 I only go to the local donut shop, I've sworn away from Dunkin Donut, cost is the only reason I don't go every day when I was driving right by.

Posted by: Skip at May 18, 2016 03:17 PM (3wHFl)

134 Biggest question re donuts is cake vs raised.

If I have to eat a donut, cake. Almond slivers on the top.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:17 PM (39g3+)

135 Those photos look like visual metaphors for Obama's foreign policy.

Posted by: Jay Guevara at May 18, 2016 03:17 PM (oKE6c)

136 Oh and also when you want to lose weight....avoid processed foods. Avoid anything that says "low fat". Fat doesn't make you fat, sugar does. And processed food is full of sugar.

Posted by: Monsieur Moo Moo at May 18, 2016 03:17 PM (0LHZx)

137 Just to be certain, these are 6 of Trump's potential Supreme Court picks, correct?

Posted by: What's a Seawolf? at May 18, 2016 03:18 PM (WuRdh)

138 I was at the grocery store the other day and saw Cinnabon-flavored popcorn.

And bought it.

And gorged on it.

OMFG.

Posted by: VA GOP Sucks at May 18, 2016 03:18 PM (PFy0L)

139 No, I hate jelly doughnuts. I was going to nominate
the jelly doughnut as the Kaboom Cereal of pastries, but did not want
to offend people that like them.

Posted by: Benji Carver at May 18, 2016 03:14 PM (OD2ni)


Plain, unfrosted, unadorned golden cake donuts are the Kaboom of the pastry world. Jelly donuts rise to at least the level of store brand Cocoa Puffs.


The real question is: which decadent delight would rise to the pinnacle of pastry perfection to be named the Apple Jacks of the doughnut kingdom?

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit & Vaginassassin, aka Beth at May 18, 2016 03:18 PM (4df7R)

140 What? No kolaches?


Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 03:12 PM (6Ll1u)

Right ? Man donuts

Posted by: The Jackhole at May 18, 2016 03:18 PM (3mTyP)

141 Jelly donuts are always what's left after people eat the real donuts.

Jelly donuts are consolation prizes for losers who came late.

They taste like failure for a reason.
Posted by: ace

methinks somebody is upset at what one once did in his mouth.

Posted by: Hate cake at May 18, 2016 03:18 PM (326rv)

142 Caramel pecan sticky buns. That is all.

http://tinyurl.com/zau79k5

Posted by: huerfano at May 18, 2016 03:18 PM (NSb9d)

143 Depends on the brand of doughnut. Dunkin'? I'll take that cinnamon bun, thanks. Fractured Prune? Hands down winner.

For anyone in the DelMarVa area, if you haven't had Fractured Prune, find the closest one and treat yo' self! I understand they're popping up in Arizona and Colorado as well.

Posted by: shillelagh at May 18, 2016 03:19 PM (L3vVL)

144 116 "86 Does everyone else like jelly doughnuts? I don't like them.
Posted by: CaliGirl"

I don't either. The jelly always tastes synthetic.

Not nuts about filled doughnuts in general, unless the filling is whipped cream.

I was the sort of kid who used to spray Readi-Whip right into my mouth. (Cool Whip is a bad substitute.)

Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:19 PM (u0lmX)

145 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUIQazHMBkE

The Cadillac of Pastries from Hamtramck, Michigan.

Posted by: Jinx the Cat at May 18, 2016 03:19 PM (TnUKj)

146 Coffee Roll must be one of those Northeast things. They're cinnamon rolls everywhere else on earth.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:19 PM (39g3+)

147 86 Does everyone else like jelly doughnuts? I don't like them.
Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2016 03:12 PM (egOGm)
-----------------
They are an abomination before the Lord.
If you want jelly, toast some bread or an English muffin and put jelly on it.
Doughnuts MUST have holes.


Posted by: Margarita DeVille at May 18, 2016 03:19 PM (T/5A0)

148 Je t'adore sticky buns.

Posted by: Count de Monet, French Model at May 18, 2016 03:19 PM (JO9+V)

149 I like jelly rolls. I've never seen a jelly doughnut.

Posted by: Soona at May 18, 2016 03:19 PM (Fmupd)

150 I agree with Ace her, Jelly donuts covered in granular sugar, good Lord who would eat such a thing.

Posted by: IP at May 18, 2016 03:19 PM (aQQbl)

151 >>The real question is: which decadent delight would rise to the pinnacle
of pastry perfection to be named the Apple Jacks of the doughnut
kingdom?


Apple fritters? Apple turnovers?

Posted by: Lizzy at May 18, 2016 03:19 PM (NOIQH)

152 They taste like failure for a reason.
Posted by: ace

So they're the Kaboom of doughnuts?

Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:20 PM (u0lmX)

153 Diets don't generally work, since they're mostly about deprivation. (Can't eat X, can't eat Y, well, guess what you crave beyond reason now?)

Balanced meals, healthy snacks, exercise, and other boring things work better, but they key is really self-control, knowing thyself [i.e. if having one potato chips leads to to eating the whole bag, maybe don't buy ten bags at a time], and keeping at it.

Basically what I'm saying: Weight Watchers worked for me. There's some math involved, but the idea is that each thing you eat/drink is worth some number of points (based on protein, carbs, etc.) and you have a sort of points budget for the day and week, with exercise adding to it.

The other helpful aspect is basically positive peer pressure, since you go to meetings with others who are going through/have gone through the same kinds of struggles.

I could go on and on about it. If I had a blog oh my God you should be glad I don't have a blog.

Anyway, the best thing is that it's a business, so it's harnessing the power of capitalism for (mostly) good.

Posted by: Lance McCormick at May 18, 2016 03:20 PM (u0s1P)

154
Trump meets with Kissinger. I had no idea Kissinger was still lucid.

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:20 PM (7gCCJ)

155 "The fact of thew matter is the "Hot Fresh Now" sign is just turning on somewhere in America right now.."

And there is nothing finer in America then a fresh hot Krispy Kreme within 15 minutes of being cooked.

Nothing


Well, maybe something.
But not involving donuts.

Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at May 18, 2016 03:20 PM (ptqRm)

156 124
>> I'm a raised gal married to a cake guy.



Used to be raised, now I'm cake.

*
*
I love cake donuts. But what are "raised" donuts? The other kind with the icing slathered on, and if you eat them cold the icing cracks like thin thin ice and falls in flakes on your donut shop napkin?

Yeah, I'm hungry now.

Posted by: Wolfus Aurelius at May 18, 2016 03:20 PM (IuHtL)

157 I don't either. The jelly always tastes synthetic.

I agree, its like some petroleum jelly with food coloring and sugar. The butter cream stuff isn't bad but the rest is just... nasty. And way too much.

Another weight loss tip: avoid 'healthy' alternatives to snacks. They're awful too. That "power bar" is packed with sugar and chocolate. That "granola bar" is a candy bar with lots of crunchy crap in it.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:21 PM (39g3+)

158 Ryan gets to eat whatever he wants.

Posted by: Cake Girl at May 18, 2016 03:21 PM (BrQrN)

159 i added the worst donuts.

Posted by: ace at May 18, 2016 03:21 PM (dciA+)

160 When I'm not low carbing like I am now, my favorite pastry is chocolate filled croissant.

Posted by: @votermom's phone at May 18, 2016 03:21 PM (lmHwU)

161 re 136: Moo Moo, you sound like Richard Simmons. No insult intended.

Posted by: Satan, taking a break at May 18, 2016 03:21 PM (qSIlh)

162 It's a Sweet roll, damnit!

Posted by: Dovahkiin at May 18, 2016 03:21 PM (xONu0)

163 "The real question is: which decadent delight would rise to the pinnacle of pastry perfection to be named the Apple Jacks of the doughnut kingdom?"


A fresh glazed topped with shredded coconut from Duck Donuts. But it has to be eaten within ten minutes of coming out of the fryer.

Posted by: Benji Carver at May 18, 2016 03:22 PM (OD2ni)

164 I would gladly pay Wednesday for a jelly doughnut today.

Posted by: eleven at May 18, 2016 03:22 PM (qUNWi)

165 161 re 136: Moo Moo, you sound like Richard Simmons. No insult intended.
Posted by: Satan, taking a break at May 18, 2016 03:21 PM (qSIlh)

______

None taken.

Posted by: Monsieur Moo Moo at May 18, 2016 03:22 PM (0LHZx)

166 The real question is: which decadent delight would
rise to the pinnacle of pastry perfection to be named the Apple Jacks of
the doughnut kingdom?


Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit Vaginassassin, aka Beth at May 18, 2016 03:18 PM (4df7R)


KK's cream filled, with chocolate on top. Slightly warm.


Not custard filled, the white, almost all whipped sugar cream filling.

Posted by: BurtTC at May 18, 2016 03:22 PM (TOk1P)

167
Trump meets with Kissinger. I had no idea Kissinger was still lucid.
Posted by: Mister Magoo


Did they have donuts?

Posted by: Bertram Cabot Jr. at May 18, 2016 03:22 PM (k4M/B)

168 The vending machine Honey Bun is clearly the Kaboom of pastries.

Posted by: Grump928(c) says Free Soothie!, with purchase of commentor of equal or greater value at May 18, 2016 03:16 PM (evdj2)


^This is astute

Posted by: The Jackhole at May 18, 2016 03:22 PM (3mTyP)

169 131 I'd like to add croissants to the list - especially the ones with chocolate.


Posted by: Lizzy at May 18, 2016 03:17 PM (NOIQH)

The Almond ones with an almond paste filling are the bomb.

Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:22 PM (u0lmX)

170 Plain donuts were invented for parents who don't love their children.


I have always believed this.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit & Vaginassassin, aka Beth at May 18, 2016 03:22 PM (4df7R)

171 What about hot cross buns?

Posted by: dantesed at May 18, 2016 03:22 PM (88xKn)

172 I went to the Chech festival every year when I lived in Nebraska, good shit. Dammit, now I'm hungry, wish I had a runza hut closer than 1500 miles away.

Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 03:23 PM (6Ll1u)

173 >>The real question is: which decadent delight would rise to the pinnacle
of pastry perfection to be named the Apple Jacks of the doughnut
kingdom?

There's a little Italian bakery in my town that is only open Friday-Sunday and closed all winter. They cook everything in wood fired ovens.

They make an Italian pasty filled with smoked ham and asiago cheese that is literally worth killing for.

Posted by: Jake from Allstate at May 18, 2016 03:23 PM (/tuJf)

174 Ryan gets to eat whatever he wants.

Posted by: Cake Girl


Shut up! Just shut up, you filthy two timing whore and your engagement to some guy other than me!

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:23 PM (39g3+)

175 Ich bin ein Jelly Donut.

Posted by: Count de Monet, French Model at May 18, 2016 03:23 PM (JO9+V)

176 Trump meets with Kissinger. I had no idea Kissinger was still lucid.
Posted by: Mister Magoo

Did they have donuts?



Did they meet in the ladies room?

Posted by: rickb223 at May 18, 2016 03:23 PM (7jTtI)

177 What's a "Danish"?

Posted by: Alternate Timeline Beaver Overlords at May 18, 2016 03:23 PM (PLnZs)

178 When I go out to the suburbs to get my hair cut every three weeks, I have to pass through an intersection with a Krispy Kreme on one side, and our local Tastee Donuts (known to many of its fans as Tastee Stales) on the other. Gee, what a dilemma.

Posted by: Wolfus Aurelius at May 18, 2016 03:23 PM (IuHtL)

179 154,
Or even alive, for that matter. Now who wants to hit the local Shipley's?

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (C9pBZ)

180 Yummy, yummy bait for the TrigglyPuff Trap.

Posted by: *Mikey NTH - Outrage Outlet sponsors the fifteen part series: #NeverTrump: Holding Out for a Hero at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (hLRSq)

181 >>"The real question is: which decadent delight would rise to the pinnacle
of pastry perfection to be named the Apple Jacks of the doughnut
kingdom?"


Just about anything from Voodoo Doughnut:

http://www.voodoodoughnut.com/

Posted by: Lizzy at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (NOIQH)

182 I am a jelly doughnut.

Posted by: Herr Johann Kennedy at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (Bdeb0)

183 I'm losing tons of weight on a high fat low carb diet, but back when I indulged nothing was tastier than a maple bar and a glass of milk.

Posted by: BomberCommand at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (7us0J)

184 What about churros? Do they count as donuts?
BJs has oreo churros now.

Posted by: @votermom's phone at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (lmHwU)

185 Good God, man -- where's the old fashioned? -- THE OLD FASHIONED!

Or its fat bear top, the buttermilk bar.

Posted by: Bivalve Curious at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (S35jl)

186 Damn

Posted by: JackStraw at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (/tuJf)

187 "The vending machine Honey Bun is clearly the Kaboom of pastries.
"

15 seconds in the microwave, while still in the sealed cellophane package.

Or just keep heating it till the package swells ups and goes.......

KABOOM!

Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (ptqRm)

188 OMG.. Shipley's FTW!


Posted by: IP at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (aQQbl)

189 "161 re 136: Moo Moo, you sound like Richard Simmons. No insult intended.
Posted by: Satan, taking a break"


Hahaha. Is it possible to compare a guy to Richard Simmons and not be an insult?

Posted by: Benji Carver at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (OD2ni)

190 I heard Tim's has gone downhill from Canadians, not like it used to be.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (39g3+)

191 What's a "Danish"?

Posted by: Alternate Timeline Beaver Overlords

What Bruce Jenner would have changed his name to if it were Dan?

Posted by: Bruce at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (8ikIW)

192 Thanks for taking all the 'fancies', guys.

Posted by: homer simpson at May 18, 2016 03:25 PM (PLnZs)

193 The Cadillac of Pastries from Hamtramck, Michigan.
Posted by: Jinx the Cat at May 18, 2016 03:19 PM (TnUKj)

Dear God I thought donuts were making me hungry, now I want Buddy's pizza first! With a boomba too...

Posted by: FCF at May 18, 2016 03:25 PM (kejii)

194
Just drink filtered, ice cold water instead (it sounds bland but trust me, its wonderful).

Wonderfully bland.

Posted by: Bertram Cabot Jr. at May 18, 2016 03:25 PM (k4M/B)

195 BJs has oreo churros now.

I've only went there once. It wasn't at all what I thought it would be.

Posted by: VA GOP Sucks at May 18, 2016 03:25 PM (PFy0L)

196 BJs has oreo churros now.

Oreo... churros...

That's gonna turn Machete against you

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:25 PM (39g3+)

197 And there is nothing finer in America then a fresh hot Krispy Kreme within 15 minutes of being cooked.

Nothing


Well, maybe something.
But not involving donuts.
Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at May 18, 2016 03:20 PM (ptqRm)

Well, it could.

Like that joke about the most popular guy at the nudist colony. He can carry two large coffees and a dozen doughnuts.

The most popular gal can eat the last doughnut.

Posted by: shillelagh at May 18, 2016 03:25 PM (L3vVL)

198 Most popular man at the nudist colony can bring you two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

Posted by: Count de Monet, French Model at May 18, 2016 03:26 PM (JO9+V)

199 Kolaches!

Posted by: Lester at May 18, 2016 03:26 PM (2UPXV)

200 >>The Almond ones with an almond paste filling are the bomb.

Ooh, better than the chocolate ones !!

Posted by: Lizzy at May 18, 2016 03:26 PM (NOIQH)

201 I will have the cinnamon bun, the one served at Johnson's Truck Stop Cafe, Johnstown, CO, up the I-25 from me and worth the trip.

Serves four.

Posted by: the littl shyning man at May 18, 2016 03:26 PM (U6f54)

202

I like to make my own eclairs, and old passed down mashed potato doughnut recipe.

Hubby always asks for homemade eclairs for his birthday...

yummm


And stroopwafels! He brought glorious stroopwafels home recently from his trip to Brussels.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:26 PM (qCMvj)

203 15 seconds in the microwave, while still in the sealed cellophane package.



Or just keep heating it till the package swells ups and goes.......



KABOOM!

Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (ptqRm)


This reminds me of a few weeks ago, when we stuck a leftover Easter Peep in the microwave to see how big it would get while heating. The answer - pretty darn big.
Then I took the rest out to the firepit to make Peep s'mores. The fire licks over the sugar crystals until the whole thing is a charred, gooey mess.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit & Vaginassassin, aka Beth at May 18, 2016 03:27 PM (4df7R)

204 I think more research is in order here.
I'm off to Dunkin' Donuts, Au Bon Pain, Cinnabon...
I'll get back to you with my results.

Posted by: turfmann>>>

In Pounds or Inches?

Posted by: Buzzsaw at May 18, 2016 03:27 PM (81UWZ)

205 is it just me, or have these delicacies drawn out lurkers?

If so, welcome!

Posted by: Hate cake at May 18, 2016 03:27 PM (326rv)

206 Posted by: shillelagh at May 18, 2016 03:25 PM (L3vVL)


Beat me to it by a crumb

Posted by: Count de Monet, French Model at May 18, 2016 03:27 PM (JO9+V)

207 Oh yes, beignets. They've got *all* the major food groups covered: sugar, starch, grease, carbs, the whole works.

They're heart attacks on stilts. Bring some home in a paper bag and the paper bag will be sopping with grease by the time you're ready to eat them.

And there's nothing like them in the civilized world.

Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 03:27 PM (BbOP8)

208 If you heat up marshmellows in the microwave, they get that toasted flavor without the caramelized outside. Which is part of the fun of course.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:28 PM (39g3+)

209 I don't either. The jelly always tastes synthetic.


Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:19 PM (u0lmX)


I agree. There is an aftertaste. They are gross. I have no idea what they are made of (if you don't make them yourself).

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:28 PM (qCMvj)

210 When we were stationed in Gaeta Italy, there was this tiny little street, known as Piccolo Alley.

Goes back to the Roman times, no shit.

Anyhow, local guy would bake pastries all morning behind the closed shop door, and when ready toss the door open.

People lined up and as you ordered, he filled those still hot pastries with whatever it was that you ordered.

Then you just walked this ancient alley, sight seeing and window shopping with your friends.
And eating that still hot pastry.

Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at May 18, 2016 03:28 PM (ptqRm)

211 >> Just about anything from Voodoo Doughnut:
>>
>> http://www.voodoodoughnut.com/

My wife has a fetish for that place any time we end up near Portland, but I'm just not that into donuts.

Posted by: JEM at May 18, 2016 03:28 PM (o+SC1)

212 its two badd ho-hos don't have that foil wrapper anymore

they were great to put in the microwave

fire is cool

Posted by: lancewing plover at May 18, 2016 03:29 PM (u0s1P)

213 Oh yes, beignets. They've got *all* the major food groups covered: sugar, starch, grease, carbs, the whole works.

They're heart attacks on stilts. Bring some home in a paper bag and the paper bag will be sopping with grease by the time you're ready to eat them.

And there's nothing like them in the civilized world.
Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 03:27 PM (BbOP


yeah, the "you can't eat just one" pastry

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:29 PM (qCMvj)

214 Most popular man at the nudist colony can bring you two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.


Posted by: Count de Monet, French Model at May 18, 2016 03:26 PM (JO9+V)


Most popular guy at the gay nudist colony: Can carry two large coffees, a dozen donuts, and a pineapple upside down cake.

Posted by: BurtTC at May 18, 2016 03:29 PM (TOk1P)

215 Nostalgic for the old work days: if you're coming in late, you better have a box of donuts with you, or a bag of breakfast tacos. If you can roll up a bird-shit covered firehose while eating a glazed donut, you have passed your probationary period.

Posted by: stace at May 18, 2016 03:29 PM (ozZau)

216 As the resident Type I diabetic, the plain donut has many surprising benefits when you consider the joyless variety of foods that I'm forced to intake. Grew up on apple cider donuts on the boardwalk in OCNJ which would keep me from slipping into hypoglycemia as I swam in the ocean all day long.

Posted by: Defenestratus at May 18, 2016 03:30 PM (ew7rf)

217 Those pirouettes are really good, like a pastry straw filled with hazelnut-chocolate. Meant for consumption with coffee, of course.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:30 PM (39g3+)

218 Japan has pastries that look like jelly donuts, but are filled with a tasteless sweet bean paste.

Ick.

Posted by: Noam Sayen at May 18, 2016 03:30 PM (bIhmV)

219 Apparently the doughnut shop a few minutes from my house makes what I have been reliably informed are the best donuts in NH. I've never trusted myself to find out if it's true or not.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit & Vaginassassin, aka Beth at May 18, 2016 03:30 PM (4df7R)

220 My mom bought Hostess cupcakes for our lunches. I would peel off the frosting - it would come off in one piece - eat that and then cut it in half and eat the white filling. Then I'd throw the rest away.

She would also buy those frozen fruit pies for us. Those were gross for the same reason jelly doughnuts are gross - the fruit filling didn't taste like real fruit.

Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:30 PM (u0lmX)

221 Only a handful of places can turn out a good kolache. Dunkin has moved into the north side of Houston, and while their coffee and donuts are first rate, their kolaches are sad.

Bummer.

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 03:31 PM (C9pBZ)

222 That's gonna turn Machete against you
Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:25 PM (39g3+)


It's chocolate churro with cream filling.
I can't decide if it's a tasty micro aggression or a delicious cultural appropriation.

Posted by: @votermom's phone at May 18, 2016 03:31 PM (lmHwU)

223 >>>216 As the resident Type I diabetic, the plain donut has many surprising benefits when you consider the joyless variety of foods that I'm forced to intake

any dessert whose chief recommendation is "People have to eat this for medical reasons" is not a very good dessert.

Posted by: ace at May 18, 2016 03:31 PM (dciA+)

224 I know they are terrible but I used to like Twinkies. I don't even know if they are the same or I'd like them any more but I thought they were great. Its like a connection of terribly wrong things that turned out right, somehow.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:32 PM (39g3+)

225 No love for Twinkies?

Posted by: mustbequantum at May 18, 2016 03:32 PM (MIKMs)

226 I like plain old sugar-frosted doughnuts too. Brown's Bakery here in OKC make the best.

Posted by: Soona at May 18, 2016 03:32 PM (Fmupd)

227 >>She would also buy those frozen fruit pies for us. Those were gross for the same reason jelly doughnuts are gross - the fruit filling didn't taste like real fruit.

Yea but the lemon ones were still the bomb.

And used to do the same thing with the cupcakes.

Posted by: JackStraw at May 18, 2016 03:32 PM (/tuJf)

228 Great, now I'm hungry. There should be an AoSHQ donut table available.

Posted by: sinalco at May 18, 2016 03:32 PM (yODqO)

229 I think Twinkies and HoHo's are better now than before.. perhaps they're just a few years fresher?

Posted by: IP at May 18, 2016 03:33 PM (aQQbl)

230 Yummy, yummy bait for the TrigglyPuff Trap.

Posted by: *Mikey NTH - Outrage Outlet sponsors the fifteen part series: #NeverTrump: Holding Out for a Hero at May 18, 2016 03:24 PM (hLRSq)


thread winner

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:33 PM (qCMvj)

231 153---Anyway, the best thing is that it's a business, so it's harnessing the power of capitalism for (mostly) good.
Posted by: Lance McCormick at May 18, 2016 03:20 PM
-----------------------
I've seen more people in my life have long-term success with WW than any other program.
It seems to have a good balance between control and flexibility.

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at May 18, 2016 03:33 PM (T/5A0)

232 Yeah those hostess fruit pies are awful. bad pastry with the same ghastly chemical filling as jelly donuts.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:33 PM (39g3+)

233 "a gang bang for your face"

**********

No sale.

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:33 PM (mcm0N)

234 hahahahaha...Ace makes donuts funny.

Posted by: Seems Legit at May 18, 2016 03:33 PM (U+nHb)

235 >>My wife has a fetish for that place any time we end up near Portland, but I'm just not that into donuts.


They opened one here in Denver but I haven't been there yet. Looks like most donuts are ~2000 calories.

Posted by: Lizzy at May 18, 2016 03:34 PM (NOIQH)

236 Ya, hostess fruit pies, warm. And lemon is the best.

Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 03:34 PM (6Ll1u)

237 @218 I like Chinese bean cakes / pastries whatever they're called. They taste nothing like donuts but they're good.

Posted by: @votermom's phone at May 18, 2016 03:34 PM (lmHwU)

238 Powdered donuts are for people who have filthy hands and don't want to get grease and grime on their donut.

Posted by: Fritz at May 18, 2016 03:34 PM (UzPAd)

239 Kolaches!

Posted by: Lester at May 18, 2016 03:26 PM (2UPXV)




I loved that show. Darren McGavin was great in that role

Posted by: TheQuietMan at May 18, 2016 03:34 PM (493sH)

240
any dessert whose chief recommendation is "People have to eat this for medical reasons" is not a very good dessert.

Posted by: ace at May 18, 2016 03:31 PM (dciA+)


-------

HA! Point made.

Posted by: Seems Legit at May 18, 2016 03:34 PM (U+nHb)

241 I am not sure there exists in time space "worst donuts". Sorry, but all donuts are good, even Jelly. I like Jelly. I like plain and I like sugar. Again, all donuts are good.

Posted by: JeffreyL at May 18, 2016 03:35 PM (mXv3y)

242 I eat all sorts of crap food/candy/pastries along with tons of red meat, sausage, etc., but I'm (knock on wood) still hale and hearty. Weigh within 5 pounds of what I weighed when I left the Army in 1994. I think it's a combination of metabolism and the fact that I'm always moving. Even when I had a 9-5 desk job I would walk everywhere I could.

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 18, 2016 03:35 PM (2cS/G)

243 Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 03:34 PM (6Ll1u)
I don't like those either, I'd trade them if they were in my lunch.

Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2016 03:35 PM (egOGm)

244 The old Hostess lemon pies?

The trick was to fry 'em again and hit with powdered sugar.

F'n righteous, man.

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 03:35 PM (C9pBZ)

245

I fail. I like plain doughnuts too.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:35 PM (qCMvj)

246 236 Ya, hostess fruit pies, warm. And lemon is the best.
Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 03:34 PM (6Ll1u)


---------------

Cherry.

Posted by: Soona at May 18, 2016 03:35 PM (Fmupd)

247 241 I am not sure there exists in time space "worst donuts". Sorry, but all donuts are good, even Jelly. I like Jelly. I like plain and I like sugar. Again, all donuts are good.
Posted by: JeffreyL at May 18, 2016 03:35 PM (mXv3y)

_____

Like pizza. Some is better. But none is bad.

Posted by: Monsieur Moo Moo at May 18, 2016 03:36 PM (0LHZx)

248 Cherry Hostess pies. From back in the day when there was actual cherries in it. One of my favorites on a Friday working thru a hangover treats.

Posted by: Bruce at May 18, 2016 03:36 PM (8ikIW)

249 Looks like most donuts are ~2000 calories.

Well nobody except Defenestratus is eating donuts for their health or diet. Stuff like this is supposed to be a rare special treat, or you end up like Baron Harkonnen.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:36 PM (39g3+)

250 Still on the ethnic thing, Indians (dot not arrow) have these donut holes soaked in honey that are incredible.

Posted by: @votermom's phone at May 18, 2016 03:36 PM (lmHwU)

251 The Hostess apple pies were good, but they also had chocolate pudding pies - sugar rush!!!

Posted by: Lizzy at May 18, 2016 03:37 PM (NOIQH)

252
I am not sure there exists in time space "worst donuts". Sorry, but all
donuts are good, even Jelly. I like Jelly. I like plain and I like
sugar. Again, all donuts are good.


Posted by: JeffreyL at May 18, 2016 03:35 PM (mXv3y)


So, in the same category as pizza and beejeers.

Posted by: Count de Monet, French Model at May 18, 2016 03:37 PM (JO9+V)

253 I am not much in to pastries, but I will absolutely cut a bitch for chocolate croissants. I am glad to see I am in such excellent company!

Posted by: Tammy al-Thor at May 18, 2016 03:37 PM (YHcVd)

254 Chocolate donuts made with molasses and cinnamon, dusted with granulated sugar.

Done.

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:37 PM (mcm0N)

255 I think city info pages should list the best rated donuts shops for their visitors

Posted by: FCF at May 18, 2016 03:37 PM (kejii)

256 Hostess fruit pies in a microwave have a critical point between 15 and 16 seconds where they turn into deceiving pastry pockets of skin melting lava..
Don't ask how I know.

Posted by: IP at May 18, 2016 03:37 PM (aQQbl)

257
Ever have to deal with the motherfarkas who feel it necessary to *touch* every single donut in the box with their greasy gypsy hands before they finally pick one?

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:37 PM (7gCCJ)

258 Mmm. Sprinkles.

Posted by: homer simpson at May 18, 2016 03:37 PM (PLnZs)

259 No Pop Tarts on the list? Wth?

Posted by: Pajama Boy at May 18, 2016 03:37 PM (X+nFp)

260 248,
The local 7-11 sold the cherry ones for fifty cents on Washington's birthday...back in the day.
Yum.

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 03:38 PM (C9pBZ)

261 Unsocked

Posted by: Suppressed Flasher at May 18, 2016 03:38 PM (X+nFp)

262 I want one of each

Posted by: Misanthropic Humanitarian at May 18, 2016 03:38 PM (voOPb)

263 Like pizza. Some is better. But none is bad.

I've had bad pizza. There are two kinds of bad pizza:

1) West coast artisan gluten-free tofu pizza made by some onesie-wearing hipster who piles crap that no pizza should ever get near until its just inedible.
2) Pizza being put out by a local chain just as it was going out of business. I think they used one of the delivery boxes and squirted ketchup on it, then shaved plastic on top for the cheese. I couldn't eat it, even my stick-thin always-starving 19 year old self that could pile back two larges in a sitting.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:38 PM (39g3+)

264 I like Chinese bean cakes / pastries whatever they're called. They taste nothing like donuts but they're good.
Posted by: @votermom's phone at May 18, 2016 03:34 PM (lmHwU)


love those
they are made different in all of the restaurants

I used to travel far over lunch with a buddy (who loved them too), just to have the type they made. Were unbelievable.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:38 PM (qCMvj)

265 I ate a hostess chocolate pie once, and that was more than enough times

Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 03:38 PM (6Ll1u)

266
I like pie.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at May 18, 2016 03:39 PM (ODxAs)

267 Also the eclairs need to be whip creme filled--not that custard crap.

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:39 PM (mcm0N)

268 Rice cakes -- mmmmmm yummy.

Okay, I'm lying now.

Posted by: Soona at May 18, 2016 03:39 PM (Fmupd)

269 ... except for plain donuts fresh from the apple cider mill in the fall.

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at May 18, 2016 03:39 PM (WTSFk)

270 >>Also the eclairs need to be whip creme filled--not that custard crap.

Unclean!

Posted by: JackStraw at May 18, 2016 03:39 PM (/tuJf)

271 207
Oh yes, beignets. They've got *all* the major food groups covered: sugar, starch, grease, carbs, the whole works.
. . . And there's nothing like them in the civilized world.

*
*
Sopaipillas, served when you sit down at your table in any restaurant in Albuquerque and probably all over New Mexico. They're exactly the same thing as a beignet, minus the white powdered sugar. The idea is that you pour some honey over one and eat it to kill some of the savage heat of New Mexico chile.

Posted by: Wolfus Aurelius at May 18, 2016 03:39 PM (IuHtL)

272 I've never met an American pastry I don't like.

Posted by: Seems Legit at May 18, 2016 03:40 PM (U+nHb)

273 Neither fruit nor sausage* kolaches are included in this post. This it is WRONG.

*yes, yes I know they're really klobasneks but in Texas they're sausage kolaches and we all know that is the only true reality.

Posted by: lauren at May 18, 2016 03:40 PM (DPhwq)

274 Sweet Cherry Pie!

https://youtu.be/OjyZKfdwlng

Posted by: Warrant at May 18, 2016 03:40 PM (JO9+V)

275 257,
Yep. They deserve the first scene in the bizarre Kevin Costner robin hood flick...

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 03:40 PM (C9pBZ)

276 There is a vegan bakery in my neighborhood. (Yeah, I live in that kind of neighborhood.)

I bought a cookie there once. It made me glad I am not a vegan and don't have to eat shitty cookies like that one. Way overpriced too.

I'm amazed the place stays in business. I never see anybody in there when I walk past.

Maybe the patrons are stoner vegans who would eat cardboard when they have the munchies and not know the difference.

Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:40 PM (u0lmX)

277 @267 I couldn't agree less.

@269 I couldn't agree more.

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 18, 2016 03:40 PM (2cS/G)

278
253 I am not much in to pastries, but I will absolutely cut a bitch for chocolate croissants. I am glad to see I am in such excellent company!
Posted by: Tammy al-Thor at May 18, 2016 03:37 PM (YHcVd)

*********

The chocolate inside needs to be hard, and the surround needs to be flaky, not soggy.

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:41 PM (mcm0N)

279 Cookies. Mom used to make these chocolate cookies with bran flakes in them. Slightly crunchy and tasty. She made these lemon squares with powdered sugar on top, too. And home made snickerdoodles, accept no substitute.

Her baking was always wonderful because she was meticulous about following recipes and did everything with this patient love and hope that everyone would enjoy it.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:41 PM (39g3+)

280 I always thought apple fritters were a bit, well, declasse.

I mean "fritter"? Seriously? It sounds like something a hillbilly might eat during breaks between humping his sisters.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at May 18, 2016 03:41 PM (8ZskC)

281 Sorry, Ace, but I'm gonna hafta disagree, at least partially, on the powdered sugar donut issue .... at least partially.
Many powdered sugar donuts are in fact a menace to public health and decency, but on summer Saturday mornings in Oak Park, IL, the church whose parking lot hosts the farmers market produces (in the extensive donut manufacturing operation in their basement) an old school powdered sugar donut that can hold up its head proudly in any company.

Posted by: sock_rat_eez at May 18, 2016 03:41 PM (gUoN4)

282 113 87 What? No kolaches?
Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 03:12 PM (6Ll1u)

Do you, perchance, live near West, Texas? The kolache shops just off I-35 got me and my roommates at Baylor through finals every year.
Posted by: Moki at May 18, 2016 03:15 PM (ezHMO)


My wife is from Fort Worth. She hasn't lived there for years, but you can't even mention donuts to her without her raving about kolaches.

Incidentally, what is with Texans and their donut shops? I swear there's a Mom & Pop donut shop on every street corner down there.

Posted by: Hal at May 18, 2016 03:41 PM (O7cgj)

283 kolaches and we all know that is the only true reality.

Posted by: lauren at May 18, 2016 03:40 PM (DPhwq)

I'm half Czech and love the kolaches - but only the sweet ones.

Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:41 PM (u0lmX)

284 If Princess Leia in the first Star Wars flick had sported a pair of coffee rolls on the side of her hairdo she might have looked more fetching.

Cheese Danish, eclairs or apple fritters, not so much.


Posted by: An Observer at May 18, 2016 03:42 PM (5R+BY)

285 But I LIKE jelly donuts. I guess I am just a sad loser with no friends.

Posted by: Insomniac at May 18, 2016 03:42 PM (0mRoj)

286 East Indian desserts? I'm partial to Lassi, myself.

Posted by: president o'bumbles at May 18, 2016 03:42 PM (PLnZs)

287 Wait a minute, all the NY, NJ, Philly people here and no zeppolis? sheesh

Posted by: random at May 18, 2016 03:42 PM (+tRIN)

288 Pastry Wars begun they have.

Posted by: Anna Puma at May 18, 2016 03:42 PM (9Slmu)

289 267 Also the eclairs need to be whip creme filled--not that custard crap.

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:39 PM (mcm0N)

Yes!

Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:42 PM (u0lmX)

290 When Trump is president we'll have YUUGE donuts, the best.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at May 18, 2016 03:42 PM (8ZskC)

291 An instant classic, ace.

Posted by: Sharkman at May 18, 2016 03:42 PM (DAyJH)

292 Jelly donuts from a good bakery are a wondrous thing. I have a sweet tooth the size of Texas though and would not turn down any pastry. Except plain cake donuts, or as I call them, Satan's Cheerios.

Posted by: Duke Lowell at May 18, 2016 03:43 PM (kTF2Z)

293 270 >>Also the eclairs need to be whip creme filled--not that custard crap.

Unclean!
Posted by: JackStraw at May 18, 2016 03:39 PM (/tuJf)

**********

Wait......are you pro drippy disgusting custard, or anti-custard?

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:43 PM (mcm0N)

294
Double glazed donut is the worker bee of America. It made America Great!

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at May 18, 2016 03:43 PM (ODxAs)

295 I like an old-fashioned donut. But apple fritters are the best.

Posted by: josephistan at May 18, 2016 03:43 PM (7HtZB)

296 Also the eclairs need to be whip creme filled--not that custard crap.




Bavarian Creme FTW!

Posted by: rickb223 at May 18, 2016 03:43 PM (7jTtI)

297 Still on the ethnic thing, Indians (dot not arrow) have these donut holes soaked in honey that are incredible.
Posted by: @votermom's phone at May 18, 2016 03:36 PM (lmHwU)


My great grandmother taught me how to make something where we used her typical raisin bread recipe (with golden raisins), rolled them into balls, baked them, then boiled them during the process, then soaked them in honey and poppy seeds.

Here is what they look like:

http://easteuropeanfood.about.com/od/slovakbreads/r/sweetbobalki.htm

You can't eat too many.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:43 PM (qCMvj)

298 Dissing Jelly Donuts? Really?
How did I think you were my people?
Now sure I'll have the Boston creme filled first... I'm not a heretic.

And the anecdotal evidence provided by the doughnut selection on an occasional Wednesday at work backs up my opinion.
After 11.30 you can have an unfrosted old fashioned doughnut...
If you're lucky, a generic frosted one might be left.
You want a jelly doughnut, you'd better get one before 9.

I'm not sure who wins the jelly vs cinnamon roll vs boston creme...
But lets not pretend the apple fritter beats any of those three.

Posted by: gekkobear at May 18, 2016 03:43 PM (J2t0U)

299 282,
Dunno. I just celebrate the fact that decent donuts are nearby - wherever I am.

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 03:43 PM (C9pBZ)

300 I mean "fritter"? Seriously? It sounds like something a hillbilly might eat during breaks between humping his sisters.

Im'a give you th' fritters, Bobbi-Sue. Im'a give em too ya good!

(banjo music swells in the background)

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:43 PM (39g3+)

301
Interesting: Just now on CNN, the goofy looking broad Brook Baldwin is pleading with the very unfunny George Lopez to take off his clown nose and be serious about insulting Donald Trump.

George Lopez began the interview with Brook with lame jokes. Brook was unhappy because she knew Lopez was looking like a fool, so she tried to get him to be serious for a moment.

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:44 PM (7gCCJ)

302 Posted by: Insomniac at May 18, 2016 03:42 PM (0mRoj)
Ahhh don't say that, you're cool. Different strokes.

Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2016 03:44 PM (egOGm)

303 >>Wait......are you pro drippy disgusting custard, or anti-custard?

An eclair has a custard filling. Anything else is something lesser.

Posted by: JackStraw at May 18, 2016 03:44 PM (/tuJf)

304 Oh, no wonder I need eclairs.

Posted by: dagny at May 18, 2016 03:44 PM (UbIg6)

305 My word but that's some weapons-grade funny from Ace.

Well played.

Posted by: DocJ at May 18, 2016 03:44 PM (5Nr9V)

306 Double glazed donut is the worker bee of America.

It made America Great!




And cops fat!

Posted by: rickb223 at May 18, 2016 03:44 PM (7jTtI)

307 Donuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food!

Posted by: Monty Burns at May 18, 2016 03:45 PM (7HtZB)

308 Only a handful of places can turn out a good
kolache. Dunkin has moved into the north side of Houston, and while
their coffee and donuts are first rate, their kolaches are sad.



Bummer.

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 03:31 PM

Very true. I used to get the very best from a tiny kolache hut run by two nice ladies whose grandparents (or great-gp) were Czech farmers. It was only open 6-9 am. Only fruit and cream cheese filing and they made the preserve type filings seasonally. It was in a little berg near Huntsville in the 80's and 90's and I would zip off I45 to get me some. There are a few good kolaches around San Antonio. It is all about the dough. And kolaches should not look or taste like a hot dog.

Posted by: Lester at May 18, 2016 03:45 PM (2UPXV)

309 Used to get sweet rolls every Friday from some place in Orland Park. Punchki's?(sp?)
Anyway, they made these "St. Joseph's cakes" every year, and, oh my..

Posted by: IP at May 18, 2016 03:45 PM (aQQbl)

310 A grocery store near me has "Cronuts" , basically a croissant cut like a giant donut; then deep fried and glazed.

Since I'm diabetic - I can only stare at them like Hilary gazing on tits.

Posted by: Jean at May 18, 2016 03:45 PM (Doh4+)

311 289 267 Also the eclairs need to be whip creme filled--not that custard crap.

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:39 PM (mcm0N)

Yes!
Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:42 PM (u0lmX)

**********

Amen, sistah!

Now how the hell do you assure you don't get custard?

I tried the "New York style " gambit--but I got burned.

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:45 PM (mcm0N)

312 If you have a pastry.
And you set it in front of me.
I will eat it.
-Period.*

*There must be coffee or milk.

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1), (T) at May 18, 2016 03:45 PM (OQ9R7)

313 To my taste, there's nothing like a good Napoleon.
But it has to be topnotch, lots of mille feuilles layers, butter creme, delicate.

The trouble with liking Napoleons is that you spend your life looking for the good ones. You order one, you end up with a clunky thing stuffed with Jello instant pudding.
You weep.

Okay, you eat it anyway but still, you weep.
And the search goes on.

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at May 18, 2016 03:45 PM (T/5A0)

314 No cinnamon roll? That "coffee roll" is not what I am talking about.

And for you Austin morons: KC Donut on Brodie is hands down the best donut out there, if you like old fashioned cake-style donuts. And I do.

Posted by: TexasDan at May 18, 2016 03:45 PM (M0ddJ)

315 Brook was unhappy because she knew Lopez was looking like a fool

George Lopez. His first comedy album is solid gold hilarious, especially if you know some hispanic families. But apparently that's all he had, because its been downhill since, and he's increasingly angry and bitter.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:46 PM (39g3+)

316
If you watch CNN's Brook Baldwin enough, you soon realize her entire show is a parade of guests who come on one or two at a time to spew hate and insults towards Conservatives and Republicans and Trump.

It's an informercial to sell Leftism.

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:46 PM (7gCCJ)

317 Ace : You are in fine form the past few weeks.
Thanks for the many chuckles.
I'm headed to the tip jar. "Ring-shaped bread" alone is worth it.

Posted by: builderD at May 18, 2016 03:46 PM (sxLki)

318 I have a place I go to get Napoleans, soo good

Posted by: The Jackhole at May 18, 2016 03:46 PM (3mTyP)

319 >>>The kolache shops just off I-35 got me and my roommates at Baylor through finals every year.
Posted by: Moki

Ever go back there?

Posted by: Aviator at May 18, 2016 03:46 PM (c7vUv)

320 An eclair has a custard filling. Anything else is something lesser.
Posted by: JackStraw at May 18, 2016 03:44 PM (/tuJf)

********

Figures. You and ace are probably custard eaters.

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:46 PM (mcm0N)

321 Ever have to deal with the motherfarkas who feel it
necessary to *touch* every single donut in the box with their greasy
gypsy hands before they finally pick one?

Posted by: Mister Magoo

Or someone breaks one in half and leaves the usually smaller half in the box. Ya booger eating spaz!! I ain't eating anything you touched.

Posted by: Bruce at May 18, 2016 03:46 PM (8ikIW)

322 302 Posted by: Insomniac at May 18, 2016 03:42 PM (0mRoj)
Ahhh don't say that, you're cool. Different strokes.
Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2016 03:44 PM (egOGm)

You're too kind.

Posted by: Insomniac at May 18, 2016 03:47 PM (0mRoj)

323 "Just now on CNN, the goofy looking broad Brook Baldwin is pleading with the very unfunny George Lopez to take off his clown nose"

Everyone there should be wearing one constantly.

Clown Nose Network.

Posted by: torquewrench at May 18, 2016 03:47 PM (noWW6)

324 "
And for you Austin morons: KC Donut on Brodie is hands down the best donut out there, if you like old fashioned cake-style donuts. And I do."

I'll have to check that out. Austin is shockingly lacking in donuts.

Posted by: lauren at May 18, 2016 03:47 PM (DPhwq)

325 I know they are terrible but I used to like Twinkies. I don't even know if they are the same or I'd like them any more but I thought they were great. Its like a connection of terribly wrong things that turned out right, somehow.
Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:32 PM (39g3+)

You know what sounds really gross but is actually pretty good? Deep fried Twinkies. They used to be on the secret menu at a nice little restaurant we go to, and we tried them just to be ironic. We wound up fighting over them.

Posted by: stace at May 18, 2016 03:47 PM (ozZau)

326 No links to the bacon cheeseburger on donut?

Posted by: Jean at May 18, 2016 03:47 PM (Doh4+)

327 310 A grocery store near me has "Cronuts" , basically a croissant cut like a giant donut; then deep fried and glazed.

Oh, good God, why do people invent evil things like this to tempt and torment me? "Deep-fried" + "glazed" + "croissant."

Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:47 PM (u0lmX)

328 I've seen more people in my life have long-term success with WW than any other program.
It seems to have a good balance between control and flexibility.

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at May 18, 2016 03:33 PM (T/5A0)

*nods vigorously* All the yes. I love pasta and cannot stand salad (for example), so standard diets are non-starters for me.

The other great thing about Weight Watchers is that you're eating normal food, and going out to eat isn't forbidden. In some ways it's easier, because you can look up the nutritional info online and figure out how many points that thing you just ate is. (Ideally, you do that before you decide, but if things were ideal, you wouldn't need WW.) In fact, *nothing* is forbidden. You could eat two Twinkies a day and still lose weight. It'd be tough, but it's all about balance.

The follow-up to that is that if you want to stop going to the meetings and paying, you can stop but still continue the program by yourself (and lose/maintain weight), *if* you have the self-control (and support from people in your life, I guess). (As opposed to Nutri-System and the like, where you literally don't know what you're supposed to eat, because they've been sending you specially formulated things instead of normal foods.)

Posted by: Lance McCormick at May 18, 2016 03:47 PM (u0s1P)

329 318 I have a place I go to get Napoleans, soo good
Posted by: The Jackhole at May 18, 2016 03:46 PM (3mTyP)

*******

Oh ya.

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:47 PM (mcm0N)

330 Kolache > donut

Posted by: Baron Von Ottomatic at May 18, 2016 03:48 PM (ktzHq)

331 Worst Donuts

4. Maple bars.

I'm not even sure how these qualify as being in the donut family. Probably invented by a Canadian.

Posted by: Fritz at May 18, 2016 03:48 PM (UzPAd)

332 The chocolate inside needs to be hard, and the surround needs to be flaky, not soggy.
Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:41 PM (mcm0N)


Some put the Nutella in them. Hazelnut chocolate.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:48 PM (qCMvj)

333 Leaving half a donut in the box? That's a man who needs killin. Or at least a good thrashing.

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 03:48 PM (C9pBZ)

334 George Lopez. His first comedy album is solid gold hilarious, especially if you know some hispanic families. But apparently that's all he had, because its been downhill since, and he's increasingly angry and bitter.
Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:46 PM (39g3+)

Even Amy Schumer won't steal his jokes.

Posted by: josephistan at May 18, 2016 03:48 PM (7HtZB)

335
I prefer chocolate covered old-fashioned donuts. Does that make me racist?

Posted by: wth at May 18, 2016 03:48 PM (HgMAr)

336 >>No links to the bacon cheeseburger on donut?

Scroll down to bacon maple donut...mmmmmm

http://voodoodoughnut.com/voodoo-doughnut-doughnuts.php

Posted by: Lizzy at May 18, 2016 03:48 PM (NOIQH)

337 "half Czech and love the kolaches - but only the sweet ones."

I'm partial to the sweet as well.

Posted by: lauren at May 18, 2016 03:48 PM (DPhwq)

338 I'll have to check that out. Austin is shockingly lacking in donuts.

Posted by: lauren at May 18, 2016 03:47 PM (DPhwq)


Plenty of hate cakes though!

Posted by: Donna and V. (sans ampersands at the present time) at May 18, 2016 03:49 PM (u0lmX)

339 I'll have to check that out. Austin is shockingly lacking in donuts.

Posted by: lauren at May 18, 2016 03:47 PM (DPhwq)



Houston is not. We win. *waddles out to the corner donut store*

Posted by: Count de Monet, Fluffy French Model at May 18, 2016 03:49 PM (JO9+V)

340 OT:

Donald Trump Releases List of Supreme Court Picks

http://nyti.ms/1WDbgBZ

Posted by: The Political Hat at May 18, 2016 03:49 PM (vBeA5)

341 The trouble with liking Napoleons is that you spend your life looking for the good ones. You order one, you end up with a clunky thing stuffed with Jello instant pudding.
You weep.

*************

Exactly.

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:49 PM (mcm0N)

342 You know what sounds really gross but is actually pretty good? Deep fried Twinkies.

Deep fried anything is better. I think you could deep fry a deep frier and make it edible.

Clown Nose Network.

Speaking of which, they're trying really hard to push "red nose day" again, which... went over like a lead balloon last time. Nobody knew what it was or why and wanted no part of wearing a stupid red nose.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:49 PM (39g3+)

343 >> A grocery store near me has "Cronuts" , basically a
>> croissant cut like a giant donut; then deep fried and glazed.

Sorry, if I'm going to ingest carbs, it's going to be in the form of something out of a distillery.

Posted by: JEM at May 18, 2016 03:50 PM (o+SC1)

344
A good macaroon or cannoli to start the day with coffee is always nice.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at May 18, 2016 03:50 PM (ODxAs)

345

The half a donut thing?

That's really insulting. It's like a middle finger being left in the donut box. Don't. Do. It.

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:50 PM (7gCCJ)

346 339,
We sure do.

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 03:50 PM (C9pBZ)

347 Bismarks for me. They're hard to find in NC, though.

Posted by: mrp at May 18, 2016 03:50 PM (JBggj)

348 The kolache shops just off I-35 got me and my roommates at Baylor through finals every year.
Posted by: Moki

Yep. At A&M, on soil class lab field trips the prof would take us to Snook for kolaches. Lots of Czechs in central TX.

Posted by: stace at May 18, 2016 03:50 PM (ozZau)

349 Bismark? Try North Dakota.

Posted by: Anna Puma at May 18, 2016 03:51 PM (9Slmu)

350 You know what's a good substitute for a donut? A sweet bagel with cream cheese. I started out by trying a Cinnamon-Raisin, have now worked my way all the way to Mixed Berry. More filling than a donut, and delicious if the timing is right.

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 18, 2016 03:51 PM (2cS/G)

351 I prefer chocolate covered old-fashioned donuts. Does that make me racist?

Posted by: wth at May 18, 2016 03:48 PM (HgMAr)


It's the breakfast of champions!
https://youtu.be/nrythD3kkoA

Posted by: Count de Monet, Fluffy French Model at May 18, 2016 03:51 PM (JO9+V)

352 Leaving half a donut in the box? That's a man who needs killin.

90% chance that was a woman "watching her figure" by only eating half.

Worst Donuts

4. Maple bars.


The problem with maple bars is that they're too big. If they were, maybe a quarter as big? But its too much to finish even half of one.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:51 PM (39g3+)

353 Even Amy Schumer won't steal his jokes.

Well, she's no Carlos Mencia then, is she?

Posted by: Blanco Basura at May 18, 2016 03:51 PM (YEelc)

354 Some put the Nutella in them. Hazelnut chocolate.
Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:48 PM (qCMvj)

*********

Non! The damn belgiques I know always push that stuff on me. Ugh.

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:52 PM (mcm0N)

355 269 ... except for plain donuts fresh from the apple cider mill in the fall.

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at May 18, 2016 03:39 PM (WTSFk)


How do you make doughnuts in an apple cider mill? Doesn't an apple cider mill just smush apples and you collect the run-off liquid?

Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 03:52 PM (BbOP8)

356 I like plain donuts.You dunk them in coffee.Fuck you ace!

Posted by: steevy at May 18, 2016 03:52 PM (B48dK)

357
Eclair, the moment I met you, I swear
I felt as if something, somewhere
Had happened to me, which I couldn't see
And then, the moment I met you, again
I knew in my heart that we were friends
It had to be so, it couldn't be no

Posted by: Bertram Cabot Jr. at May 18, 2016 03:52 PM (k4M/B)

358 I'll have none of this "bread" and "sugar" shit. In my day we made our maple bars out of solid maple.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at May 18, 2016 03:52 PM (8ZskC)

359 Awesome ace, love these kind of threads.

SERIOUS DONUT COMMENT:

Plain cake donuts broiled briefly in the oven to toast them are like face meltingly delicious. Just insane. Crispy and fatty on the outside and soft and warm on the inside.

Posted by: Max Power at May 18, 2016 03:52 PM (q177U)

360 No one made a joke about "I Fucking Love Science"? or Neil DeGrasse Tyson informing us that actually donuts are just an arrangement of molecules barely different from croissants?

I'm disappointed in us, I really am.

Posted by: Austin in TX at May 18, 2016 03:52 PM (KzwzI)

361 Speaking of which, they're trying really hard to push "red nose day" again, which... went over like a lead balloon last time. Nobody knew what it was or why and wanted no part of wearing a stupid red nose.
Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:49 PM (39g3+)

What the hell is that? Or do I wanna know. I saw that at Walgreens or CVS or somewhere this week and didn't comprehend.

Posted by: stace at May 18, 2016 03:53 PM (ozZau)

362 "The list includes some of the most extreme conservatives on the federal bench today,"she said. "Their opinions demonstrate open hostility to Americans' rights and liberties, including reproductive justice and environmental, consumer and worker protections. They have ruled consistently in favor of the powerful over everyone else. They would move the needle even further to the right on the Supreme Court."

Sounds good to me!

Posted by: lauren at May 18, 2016 03:53 PM (DPhwq)

363 Sfogliatelle?

Anyone? Bueller... Bueller?

Posted by: easy for me to say at May 18, 2016 03:53 PM (H9MG5)

364 In an early overlap between media and politics, when I was a kid there was a TV personality named Dick Bruce. Seriously. He would do spots for McKenzie's, a bakery chain that is still legendary around here despite having been out of business for years. Then, sometime in the late '60s, he ran for some local government slot. So the FCC, I think, ruled that he could no longer appear as spokesman for McKenzie's while he was running, or after he got elected.

Not sure if he won, but his name will forever be linked locally with McKenzie's.


Posted by: Wolfus Aurelius at May 18, 2016 03:53 PM (IuHtL)

365 MAPLE. FUCKING. CRULLER.

Haven't had one in... actually, probably a decade.

I try not to be nostalgic for food that will eff me up, but I have my limits.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at May 18, 2016 03:53 PM (wB8Tg)

366 And then the damn Germans with their fake almond flavoring that tastes like rotten cherries.

BLAH!

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:53 PM (mcm0N)

367 If you ever find yourself in Boston for dinner, pass on desert. Hop on over to the North End to Mike's Pasty and get a cannoli and an espresso.

You will thank me.

Posted by: JackStraw at May 18, 2016 03:53 PM (/tuJf)

368 You know what sounds really gross but is actually pretty good? Deep fried Twinkies. They used to be on the secret menu at a nice little restaurant we go to, and we tried them just to be ironic. We wound up fighting over them.

Posted by: stace at May 18, 2016 03:47 PM (ozZau)


did you say... Twinkie?

Posted by: Tallahassi, getting ready to use his garden shears on a Zombie at May 18, 2016 03:53 PM (qf6WZ)

369 358,
So the Louisville slugger brand, then?

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 03:53 PM (C9pBZ)

370 Anyone else like calas? My wife's family make them for breakfast but I have never eaten them in a shop or restaurant. They are fried dough made from rice, eggs,and yeast and very tasty. My kids would eat them as fast as their grandmother could flip them out on a platter and sprinkle powdered sugar when they were little kids.

Posted by: Lester at May 18, 2016 03:53 PM (2UPXV)

371 Dunkin Donuts Bostom creme til I die!

Posted by: Tilikum KAW at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (0x/TW)

372 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luther_Burger

Posted by: Jean at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (Doh4+)

373
How its made. Nutella.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_Z2z5pHC6A

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (ODxAs)

374
I like plain donuts.You dunk them in coffee.Fuck you ace!

Posted by: steevy at May 18, 2016 03:52 PM (B48dK)

Word!

Posted by: Joltin' Joe DiMaggio at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (JO9+V)

375 Also the eclairs need to be whip creme filled--not that custard crap.
Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:39 PM (mcm0N)


When I make them, I make the pastry cream, and add some whipped cream to the pastry cream, gently folding it.

It's delicious with both.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (qCMvj)

376
Caller ID on my cell right now: "Abdul Ahmed"
1-646-256-0496.

No message. Four-second of silence on voice mail.

I don't know any Abdul Ahmeds. I suspect terrorism.

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (7gCCJ)

377 except for plain donuts fresh from the apple cider mill in the fall.

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at May 18, 2016 03:39 PM (WTSFk)

There used to be a store with a donut shop attached right off I-66 near Front Royal. They had one of the antique automatic donut making machine and used it to make apple cider donuts during the season, so you got to watch a mechanical marvel working tirelessly for "minimum wage" cranking out some of the best donuts I've ever eaten. They retired the machine some years ago and the donuts are nowhere near as good as the were back then.

Posted by: Hrothgar at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (wYnyS)

378 137 Just to be certain, these are 6 of Trump's potential Supreme Court picks, correct?
Posted by: What's a Seawolf? at May 18, 2016 03:18 PM (WuRdh)


There are FOUR potential picks

Posted by: Judge Picard at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (XxhCs)

379 The tiny town that I lived in Germany had 3 stores, the beer/ soda shop, the butcher shop, and the bakery. They all knew me well.

Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (6Ll1u)

380 What the hell is that? Or do I wanna know./i]

Its some kind of children's charity, but I really don't know what. They do a really bad job of even trying to explain it. They entire ad campaign is trying to make it seem cool rather than having any sense or meaning.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (39g3+)

381 358 I'll have none of this "bread" and "sugar" shit. In my day we made our maple bars out of solid maple.
Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at May 18, 2016 03:52 PM (8ZskC)

*********

And then you were shitting in the woods for a week.

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:55 PM (mcm0N)

382 Retard donuts!!! hee hee hee

Posted by: Eddie at May 18, 2016 03:55 PM (zllbf)

383 "know what's a good substitute for a donut? A sweet bagel with cream chesee"

That tastes like sadness.

Posted by: lauren at May 18, 2016 03:55 PM (DPhwq)

384
Cheesecake, they're for closers.

Posted by: Blake at May 18, 2016 03:55 PM (yfObW)

385 358 I'll have none of this "bread" and "sugar" shit. In my day we made our maple bars out of solid maple.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at May 18, 2016 03:52 PM (8ZskC)


Pansy. In MY day, we ate maple WOOD, ripped right off the tree.

Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 03:55 PM (BbOP8)

386 How its made. Nutella.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_Z2z5pHC6A
Posted by: Guy Mohawk at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (ODxAs)


we always have a jar or two in the house

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:55 PM (qCMvj)

387 Amazing. Nearly 400 comments & we're still largely on topic. All it took were good pastries.

Posted by: josephistan at May 18, 2016 03:55 PM (7HtZB)

388 How its made. Nutella.

It involves tar and petroleum, doesn't it?

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:55 PM (39g3+)

389 Lol at the Leviticus wisecrack.

Posted by: Arnie Fufkin at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (oDfNB)

390 Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (7gCCJ)

Time to panic when the caller ID shows Mahomet Muhammad Mohammed!

Posted by: Hrothgar at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (wYnyS)

391 >>I don't know any Abdul Ahmeds. I suspect terrorism.
Posted by: Mister Magoo

Relax, I just want your help getting 20 million dollars out of my country.

Posted by: Abdul Ahmeds at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (c7vUv)

392 I have never particularly cared for cake donuts. I guess I figure that if you want cake, cake is better than a cake donut.

Again, have not had for years, but cheese danishes are kind of like mainlining whatever it is that tastes like you're dating a supermodel.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (wB8Tg)

393 Are there any booze donuts?

Posted by: Anna Puma at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (9Slmu)

394 I also hate the Germans with their marzipan crap.

Gag.

Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (mcm0N)

395 Plain cake donuts = Satan's Cheerios.. Still smirking because it's so true.

Posted by: IP at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (aQQbl)

396 You know what chaps my ass? Anyone who takes half a donut. "Oh, I'll just have half." No. NO. Either eat the donut or do not. There is no half.

Posted by: tsj017 at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (4YUWF)

397 This thread is making me 1) hungry for something like those things pictured 2) feel like I should go swim 2,000 yards just on principle.


Oh, and McCain in deep trouble in primary. And NY is going GOP on the presidential level, no, make that PA, that's it.


I'll believe McCain's in deep trouble when I see his bitter, rambling, spittle-flecked, psycho, dumb concession/farewell/fuhrerbunker speech (that is, when I open a nice cab and sit back and watch it on utube 10 times and revel in it).

Posted by: rhomboid at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (QDnY+)

398 Sweet bagels and bagels with raisins are an abomination before the Lord.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:57 PM (39g3+)

399 How its made. Nutella.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_Z2z5pHC6A
Posted by: Guy Mohawk at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (ODxAs)


this is cool, thanks

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 03:57 PM (qCMvj)

400 Pansy. In MY day, we ate maple WOOD, ripped right off the tree.


Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 03:55 PM (BbOP


Many parts of the tree are edible.

Posted by: Euell Gibbons for Grape Nuts at May 18, 2016 03:57 PM (JO9+V)

401 Cinnamon roll with cream cheese frosting sounds good right now. My stomach is growling.

Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2016 03:58 PM (egOGm)

402 >>>You know what chaps my ass? Anyone who takes half a
donut. "Oh, I'll just have half." No. NO. Either eat the donut or do
not. There is no half.

Posted by: tsj017 at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (4YUWF)<<<

Do, or do-nut. There is no try.

Posted by: Yoda at May 18, 2016 03:58 PM (H9MG5)

403 Hot cross buns. You know you want it.

Posted by: dantesed at May 18, 2016 03:58 PM (88xKn)

404
Cheese Danishes have a mix of flavors and textures that make them, in scientific terms, "a gang-bang for your face."
..............

and that's definitely not cheese filling.

Posted by: wth at May 18, 2016 03:58 PM (HgMAr)

405 Seriously? Apple Fritters are better than Jelly Donuts?! On what freakin' planet?! Apples are what poor kids get for dessert. Maybe you're one of those creeps who thinks kids like getting raisins on Halloween too.

I don't even know you people anymore.

Posted by: IrishEi at May 18, 2016 03:59 PM (Lsu4e)

406 McCain losing a humiliating race for reelection warms my flinty right-wing heart. I want him put out to pasture along with Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:59 PM (39g3+)

407
When Ted Cruz is campaigning for Trump in August, is Glenn Beck gonna explode?

I can't wait.

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:59 PM (7gCCJ)

408 I would kill everyone I have ever known for a warm Salt bagel right now. One more thing you just can't get out West.

Posted by: garrett at May 18, 2016 03:59 PM (OxUnq)

409 Hot cross buns. You know you want it.



That's not icing on those buns. IYKWIMAIKTYD

Posted by: rickb223 at May 18, 2016 03:59 PM (7jTtI)

410 Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 03:52 PM (BbOP

You use the fresh unfiltered apple cider as the liquid in the donut do'!

Posted by: Hrothgar at May 18, 2016 04:00 PM (wYnyS)

411 What of Munchkins, Ace?

Posted by: garrett at May 18, 2016 04:00 PM (OxUnq)

412 A fresh jelly donut is spectacular.I also like powdered donuts.You have lost your mind ace,you are monster!

Posted by: steevy at May 18, 2016 04:00 PM (B48dK)

413 377,
Would that have been the Apple House? IIRC they sell their old school recipe apple doughnuts...

Fantastic on a fall morning.

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 04:00 PM (C9pBZ)

414 Pansy. In MY day, we ate maple WOOD, ripped right off the tree.


Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 03:55 PM (BbOP


And crapped an end table the next day.

Posted by: *Mikey NTH - Outrage Outlet sponsors the fifteen part series: #NeverTrump: Holding Out for a Hero at May 18, 2016 04:00 PM (hLRSq)

415 A sweet bagel with cream cheese.

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 18, 2016 03:51 PM (2cS/G)


I don't have a problem with a nice relaxing evening reading and listening to classical music, but it's not a *substitute* for wild monkey sex.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at May 18, 2016 04:00 PM (wB8Tg)

416 this is cool, thanks

All how its made is cool. Except the ones about making cars, they are just boring.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 04:00 PM (39g3+)

417 I also hate the Germans with their marzipan crap.



Not a fan of it unless it's in a Stollen at Christmas time. Sunday morning with coffee,

Posted by: Bruce at May 18, 2016 04:00 PM (8ikIW)

418 Salt bagel with tomatoes and cream cheese, mmm

Posted by: Jean at May 18, 2016 04:01 PM (Doh4+)

419 When Ted Cruz is campaigning for Trump in August, is Glenn Beck gonna explode?

I can't wait.

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:59 PM (7gCCJ)


He could go out like Denethor. That would be entertaining.

Posted by: *Mikey NTH - Outrage Outlet sponsors the fifteen part series: #NeverTrump: Holding Out for a Hero at May 18, 2016 04:01 PM (hLRSq)

420 Nutella tastes like frosting, my slightly overweight BIL eats it on toast for breakfast. I'd never had it. I told him he's eating frosting for breakfast.

Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2016 04:01 PM (egOGm)

421
Caller ID on my cell right now: "Abdul Ahmed"
1-646-256-0496.

No message. Four-second of silence on voice mail.

I don't know any Abdul Ahmeds. I suspect terrorism.
Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (7gCCJ)
.................

You never know, he could just be a harmless donut salesman from Abdul's Apple Fritters.

Posted by: wth at May 18, 2016 04:01 PM (HgMAr)

422 Worst "donuts"....

The powdered sugar donuts are pretty close to the bottom, but there is worse.

Take those simulacrums of a donut, you know, the "Missy-Sissy" branded ones you buy at the convenience store in a little box of 6, then instead of powdered sugar, coat them with brown stuff that resembles chocolate. I guess there is some chocolate in there, but not much, and there is so much paraffin wax in that glaze that you don't dare bite into one if it's cold... you might break a tooth!

Posted by: DaveK at May 18, 2016 04:01 PM (enOF1)

423 And, Kruellers look better than they are.

Posted by: garrett at May 18, 2016 04:01 PM (OxUnq)

424 I'll believe McCain's in deep trouble when I see his bitter, rambling,
spittle-flecked, psycho, dumb concession/farewell/fuhrerbunker speech
(that is, when I open a nice cab and sit back and watch it on utube 10
times and revel in it).


If he gets primaried I expect him to launch a sore-loser write-in campaign ala Murcokeski in Alaska. Then expect the blue(hair) money to start rolling his way.

Posted by: Blanco Basura at May 18, 2016 04:01 PM (YEelc)

425 McCain losing a humiliating race for reelection warms my flinty right-wing heart. I want him put out to pasture along with Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:59 PM (39g3+)


Even better is that his opponent Kelli Ward seems like a great alternative to Senator Juan!

Posted by: Hrothgar at May 18, 2016 04:01 PM (wYnyS)

426 IF McCain loses, I'll eat a dozen donuts to celebrate. And I haven't had a donut in about 2 years.

Posted by: Seems Legit at May 18, 2016 04:01 PM (U+nHb)

427 Zimmerman sells gun for 120,000. That's a skittle bit much don't you think?

Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 04:02 PM (6Ll1u)

428 396 You know what chaps my ass? Anyone who takes half a donut. "Oh, I'll just have half." No. NO. Either eat the donut or do not. There is no half.
Posted by: tsj017 at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (4YUWF)

You only eat one donut?
Pussy.

Two was the absolute minimum where I worked.

Posted by: stace at May 18, 2016 04:02 PM (ozZau)

429 I would kill everyone I have ever known for a warm Salt bagel right now. One more thing you just can't get out West.

Yeah can't get good pretzels, can't get good bagels. Pizza is not as good. Not many good italian places.

But the coffee is terrific, and you can get 900 different kinds of Mexican and Chinese food.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 04:02 PM (39g3+)

430 I used to hate the idea of the sweet bagel, but I've come to like them. They taste kind of like kid's breakfast cereal. Boo-Berry, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, etc, but not so cloying. Try one if you haven't yet, you might be surprised.

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 18, 2016 04:02 PM (2cS/G)

431 326 No links to the bacon cheeseburger on donut?
-----------------------------

Bar nearby has a 1/2 lb cheeseburger stuffed between two grilled cheese sandwiches. I'll order one when they add a donut on top.

Posted by: Roy at May 18, 2016 04:02 PM (VndSC)

432 I also hate the Germans with their marzipan crap.



Gag.
===============
Be of good cheer. There is no marzipan in Austria. I think I read that on the internet.

Posted by: mrp at May 18, 2016 04:02 PM (JBggj)

433 Mmmm. Apple Fritters...

Posted by: jim at May 18, 2016 04:02 PM (TddCJ)

434 Tiramisu is still the Emperor of All Desserts.

Posted by: josephistan at May 18, 2016 04:03 PM (7HtZB)

435
I've long suspected that those big hot pretzels are just bagels in disguise. Am I right or wrong?

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 04:03 PM (7gCCJ)

436 Donut trivia.


The abundance of donut shops in SoCal, esp. the LA area, stems from the large number of upper MidWestern migrants to the region first during the depression/Dust Bowl then even more so for the enormous war-time aviation industry in WWII. The continuing abundance of these shops is the continuing echo of those events.


Since the 1970s, oddly enough, the donut biz has experienced a pronounced "clustering" of immigrant Vietnamese proprietors (think Korean dry-cleaning, and any number of "clustered" small business patterns involving new immigrants over the years).


So much so that many parents of children born from the 1980s on have surely had to explain to their kids that donuts are not, in fact, "Vietnamese food".


Though the best croissant I ever had was in Saigon/TPHCM, back in the 90s. But that's a whole 'nother bunch of historical oddities.

Posted by: rhomboid at May 18, 2016 04:03 PM (QDnY+)

437 Sidebar:

Greatest British Invasion of Heavy Metal Song Ever?

Har de har har. I got rick-rolled in this. Only it's not Astley, it's Elton John, and it's the gayest, homo-est pole-smoking-est faggedyest music video this side of "What What In The Butt".

Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 04:03 PM (BbOP8)

438 George Lopez. His first comedy album is solid gold hilarious, especially if you know some hispanic families. But apparently that's all he had, because its been downhill since, and he's increasingly angry and bitter.
Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 03:46 PM (39g3+)

Even Amy Schumer won't steal his jokes.

Even i wouldn't steal his jokes!

Posted by: Amy Schumer at May 18, 2016 04:03 PM (326rv)

439 >> I told him he's eating frosting for breakfast.
Posted by: CaliGirl

If you look at the nutritional information on Nutella that's pretty close.

Posted by: Aviator at May 18, 2016 04:03 PM (c7vUv)

440 Anybody else like those little Hostess Donettes?

Posted by: wth at May 18, 2016 04:03 PM (HgMAr)

441 427 Zimmerman sells gun for 120,000. That's a skittle bit much don't you think?




I need a drank!

Posted by: rickb223 at May 18, 2016 04:03 PM (7jTtI)

442 "No links to the bacon cheeseburger on donut"

I had one once at that donut burger place in Austin. Not bad at all.

Posted by: lauren at May 18, 2016 04:03 PM (DPhwq)

443 413 377,
Would that have been the Apple House? IIRC they sell their old school recipe apple doughnuts...

Fantastic on a fall morning.
Posted by: Anon a mouse

Yes, Apple house. Someone makes the rounds of the local farmers markets with a portable donut machine and that recipe - they crank out mini donuts on demand.

Kids also just went to Duck Donuts, where they make the donut on demand and you pick the toppings. Looked ok.

Posted by: Jean at May 18, 2016 04:04 PM (Doh4+)

444
In MY day, we ate maple WOOD, ripped right off the tree.
Posted by: OregonMuse


In my day, too.

Posted by: Kim Jong-un at May 18, 2016 04:04 PM (k4M/B)

445 Nutella tastes like frosting

Frosting crossed with tar. It has the strangest consistency. I can't stand the stuff, but I know people like it a lot.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 04:04 PM (39g3+)

446 Yum sugar fat and carbs... It doesn't get any better than this...

Posted by: donna at May 18, 2016 04:04 PM (O2RFr)

447 I like a good cinnamon cake donut. Soaks up a ton of coffe.

Posted by: garrett at May 18, 2016 04:04 PM (OxUnq)

448 405 Seriously? Apple Fritters are better than Jelly Donuts?! On what freakin' planet?! Apples are what poor kids get for dessert. Maybe you're one of those creeps who thinks kids like getting raisins on Halloween too.

I don't even know you people anymore.

Posted by: IrishEi
-------------------
Better than the kids in my neighborhood.
Last time I ran out of candy, I gave out potatoes. Big honking russet potatoes.

Posted by: Chi at May 18, 2016 04:04 PM (1f2pQ)

449 You know what chaps my ass? Anyone who takes half a donut. "Oh, I'll just have half." No. NO. Either eat the donut or do not. There is no half.
Posted by: tsj017 at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (4YUWF)



Everyone I know who does the "oh I'll just eat half" ends up eating 8 or 9 halves.

Just eat one whole damn donut.

It's like women who go out to eat and "I'll just have a salad" and then they eat off everyone else's plates.

I was out with a bunch of my guy friends in law school and one of them said how great it was to go out with a woman who actually ordered a steak. I pointed out that given what was in most salads and the amount of dressing people used, my steak and baked potato with butter and sour cream probably had fewer calories.

Posted by: alexthechick- the world is a vampire but not sparkly because no at May 18, 2016 04:04 PM (mf5HN)

450 328----The follow-up to that is that if you want to stop going to the meetings and paying, you can stop but still continue the program by yourself (and lose/maintain weight), *if* you have the self-control....
Posted by: Lance McCormick at May 18, 2016 03:47 PM
-----------------------
If you do go off and find you are losing control, you can go back on again too.
I have a friend who, after trying about every diet you can think of, went to WW a decade or so ago. She reached her goal, maintained it for a while, and stopped the meetings.
After a few months she was slipping back into old habits and gaining weight, so she went back to WW to "recover."

Right now she's doing it all on her own. Has been for three years. But she knows she can and will go back, if necessary.




Posted by: Margarita DeVille at May 18, 2016 04:04 PM (T/5A0)

451 've long suspected that those big hot pretzels are just bagels in disguise. Am I right or wrong?
Posted by: Mister Magoo

Perhaps, but we are holier than thou.

Blame Muldoon.

Posted by: Mr Salty at May 18, 2016 04:04 PM (326rv)

452 394
I also hate the Germans with their marzipan crap.
Gag.Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (mcm0N)

Marzipan has the same chemical composition as Cialis.

Posted by: Herr Johann Kennedy at May 18, 2016 04:04 PM (Bdeb0)

453 Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (7gCCJ
Should we all call him?

Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2016 04:05 PM (egOGm)

454 Anybody else like those little Hostess Donettes?


Fresh? Powdered. Whole bag at a time.

Posted by: rickb223 at May 18, 2016 04:05 PM (7jTtI)

455 Did you morons hear about Notre Dame honoring John Boehner for his many years of selfless "service"?

These dumbasses haven't figured out that being a politician at Boehner's level is a shit ton of limo rides, 3 martini lunches, golf, paid for food, paid for jaunts around the world, a few appearances sitting behind the President and looking like a boozy drunk. Oh, and somehow becoming richer than they were before taking office.


Service my ass.

Posted by: Seems Legit at May 18, 2016 04:05 PM (U+nHb)

456 "like a good cinnamon cake donut. Soaks up a ton of coffe."

This!

Posted by: lauren at May 18, 2016 04:05 PM (DPhwq)

457 Oops--marzipan good.

Posted by: General Zod at May 18, 2016 04:05 PM (Bdeb0)

458 When Ted Cruz is campaigning for Trump in August, is Glenn Beck gonna explode?


I can't wait.


Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:59 PM
~~~~~
Beck's no fan of Trump, for sure, but he absolutely will not vote for Hillary. I've been catching his radio show on TV a couple of times a week, and while he's not endorsing DT, he (Beck) has mellowed a bit and seems to have accepted the situation.

Posted by: IrishEi at May 18, 2016 04:05 PM (Lsu4e)

459 HEB sells bags of the powder sugar covered donuts under their own brand. The bags are also labeled "donas"--the Mexican pronunciation of donuts, which cracks up me and my husband. He likes to buy the donas every now and then.

Posted by: stace at May 18, 2016 04:05 PM (ozZau)

460 AlextheChick, obviously your steak was not cooked by ChemJeff.

Posted by: Anna Puma at May 18, 2016 04:05 PM (9Slmu)

461 Even Amy Schumer won't steal his jokes.

Even i wouldn't steal his jokes!

Posted by: Amy Schumer


I'm all over that stuff, man

Posted by: Carlos Mencia at May 18, 2016 04:06 PM (39g3+)

462 Apple Fritters aren't quite maple crullers, but on the Sex Scale they are a night in a motel with the a professional dancer in Las Vegas.

I wouldn't rank Jelly Donuts as low as Ace does, but that depends on the donut. I mean, you could get something like a dancer in Reno, or you could get something like a druggie in Pahrump.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at May 18, 2016 04:06 PM (wB8Tg)

463 Now if we're adding cheeseburgers to the mix, I offer the pride of Tomball, Texas - the mighty Mel burger...

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 04:06 PM (C9pBZ)

464
he (Beck) has mellowed a bit and seems to have accepted the situation.

He has no choice; he'll lose his entire audience!

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 04:06 PM (7gCCJ)

465 385 358 I'll have none of this "bread" and "sugar" shit. In my day we made our maple bars out of solid maple.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at May 18, 2016 03:52 PM (8ZskC)

Pansy. In MY day, we ate maple WOOD, ripped right off the tree.
Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 03:55 PM (BbOP

-----------

You had wood? Look at the one percenters and their fancy breakfasts. I my day our donuts were made from gravel and carpet tacks. And we liked it that way!

Posted by: Duke Lowell at May 18, 2016 04:07 PM (kTF2Z)

466
I don't think it's a good idea to call Abdul Ahmed. Our phones might explode.

Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 04:07 PM (7gCCJ)

467 Man Ace, you're on a roll today.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at May 18, 2016 04:07 PM (NeFrd)

468 I had a college friend bet me $50 he could eat a dozen Boston Cremes from Dunkin Donuts one night.

He payed dearly for that boast, in cash and vomit.

Posted by: garrett at May 18, 2016 04:07 PM (OxUnq)

469 Le Bon Temps Roulette?

That kind of roll?

Posted by: Anna Puma at May 18, 2016 04:08 PM (9Slmu)

470 I've long suspected that those big hot pretzels are just bagels in disguise. Am I right or wrong?

The recipe and process is very similar, yeah. Both properly involve lye, which is why you can't get good ones in the west.

I love a big, soft, warm, salty, hot pretzel. You just cannot get them out west at all. I was underwhelmed by Chicago pizza, but NY style was great.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 04:08 PM (39g3+)

471 NOOD!

-Lying Hillary

Posted by: Slapweasel, (Cold1), (T) at May 18, 2016 04:08 PM (OQ9R7)

472 At least now I know why someone will go out for donuts at work and come back with a box of plain ones, they hate who they work with and wish they all would quit.

Posted by: Skip at May 18, 2016 04:08 PM (3wHFl)

473
Anybody else like those little Hostess Donettes?


Fresh? Powdered. Whole bag at a time.
Posted by: rickb223 at May 18, 2016 04:05 PM (7jTtI)
..................

No way to eat just one.

Posted by: wth at May 18, 2016 04:08 PM (HgMAr)

474 Posted by: alexthechick- the world is a vampire but not sparkly because no at May 18, 2016 04
The salad eating girls go home and eat a whole tub of ice cream. Just eat.

Posted by: CaliGirl at May 18, 2016 04:08 PM (mcqKT)

475 Man Ace, you're on a roll today.




Kaiser such a good host!

Posted by: rickb223 at May 18, 2016 04:08 PM (7jTtI)

476
Man Ace, you're on a roll today.


He is?













Ohh, hahaha, I get it!

On a roll!


Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 04:08 PM (7gCCJ)

477 Creme Puffs - They taste like gay porn. That's why they are my favorites.

Posted by: Bathhouse Barry at May 18, 2016 04:09 PM (mTuaB)

478 Buttering Ace up again, eh, Muldoon?

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 04:09 PM (C9pBZ)

479 Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 04:00 PM (C9pBZ)

Yes, I believe the name of the place was indeed the Apple House, and I think it was the Linden exit on I-66. There used to be serious commercial apple orchards right in the Linden/Markham area so the cider was really fresh as were the apples they sold there.

Fantastic donuts!

Back in the day, one of the orchards would let you pick your own and pay by the bushel as you left. Lawyers have stopped that of course! It was the only place I have ever been able to buy really fresh York apples, which are the ugliest apple God ever created, but they are so good, crisp and tart! Yum!

Posted by: Hrothgar at May 18, 2016 04:09 PM (wYnyS)

480 Mulddooooooooonn!!!!!!!!

(and Anna with a nice follow-up)

Posted by: rhomboid at May 18, 2016 04:09 PM (QDnY+)

481
Chocolate and hazelnuts is a classic combo. that vid says choclate spread out sells peanut butter worldwide.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at May 18, 2016 04:09 PM (ODxAs)

482 "No links to the bacon cheeseburger on donut"

I had one once at that donut burger place in Austin. Not bad at all.
Posted by: lauren at May 18, 2016 04:03 PM (DPhwq)

I saw those last Feb at the rodeo carnival. Tragically, I was already too full of chicken-fried bacon to try one.

Posted by: stace at May 18, 2016 04:09 PM (ozZau)

483 I also hate the Germans with their marzipan crap.

Gag.
Posted by: Danube River Guide at May 18, 2016 03:56 PM (mcm0N)


I never understood the marzipan thing either. It always made me cringe to bite into it. But then we had some fresh homemade ones (made by nuns) over in Europe. We heard they were out of this world. You had to find the nondescript door, and ring bell inside and little old nuns came out and served you.

We tried one, then stuffed the whole box down in the car.

It was nothing like I ever had before.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 04:09 PM (qCMvj)

484 Donuts to politics is a pretty steep slide.

And I don't even eat donuts anymore (cries quietly in corner).

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at May 18, 2016 04:09 PM (wB8Tg)

485 440 Anybody else like those little Hostess Donettes?
Posted by: wth at May 18, 2016 04:03 PM (HgMAr)

They're how I got in shape for the Olympics.

Posted by: John Belushi at May 18, 2016 04:10 PM (7HtZB)

486 You here rickl? The shuttle external fuel tank just got to the port in LA. It will travel the same route that the shuttle took to the LA science center. I went to watch the shuttle being towed when it was moved, gnarly, man, just gnarly.

Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 04:10 PM (6Ll1u)

487 The salad eating girls go home and eat a whole tub of ice cream. Just eat.

Again, I'm reminded of the girls with the ever-widening hind ends eating a little salad for lunch, then "treating" themselves with two cookies and soft serve icecream between them because they were so good about their diet.

And they couldn't figure out why their ass was twice as big at the end of Freshmen year.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 04:11 PM (39g3+)

488 Crème Puffs!!! But if push comes to shove, I will eat a jelly donut and hang my head in shame.

Posted by: Cheri at May 18, 2016 04:11 PM (oiNtH)

489 Though the best croissant I ever had was in Saigon/TPHCM, back in the 90s. But that's a whole 'nother bunch of historical oddities.

Posted by: rhomboid at May 18, 2016 04:03 PM (QDnY+)


---------------


The best Chinese food I've ever had was in the Cholon district of Saigon in 1970. Bad area (lots of VC), but damn the food was good.

Posted by: Soona at May 18, 2016 04:12 PM (Fmupd)

490 440 Anybody else like those little Hostess Donettes?
Posted by: wth at May 18, 2016 04:03 PM (HgMAr)


Yeah, I used to gobble those little guys like popcorn.

I also remember that SNL spoof of the Bruce Jenner "Wheaties" commercial where John Bolushi attributed his athletic prowess to 'Little Chocolate Donuts.' Sat there at a table with a plate of them, while smoking a cigarette.

I laffed.

Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 04:12 PM (BbOP8)

491 Donuts...is there anything they can't do?

Posted by: Homer Simpson at May 18, 2016 04:13 PM (hqZPQ)

492 Wow, Ace, I think you've hit a nerve. 500 comments in an hour's time. I don't think even Cake Girl got that.

Posted by: bluebell at May 18, 2016 04:13 PM (2WwbN)

493 They're how I got in shape for the Olympics.

Posted by: John Belushi at May 18, 2016 04:10 PM (7HtZB)


I can never type fast enough...

Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 04:13 PM (BbOP8)

494 479,
I do remember the "pick your own apple" places. We'd hit the one north of Winchester on 522... fantastic.

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 04:14 PM (C9pBZ)

495 And I'm from the east coast, and that top thing doesn't look familiar to me. It looks like a coiled glazed doughnut.

I'm a cake gal.

Cake doughnuts, I mean.

Posted by: bluebell at May 18, 2016 04:14 PM (2WwbN)

496 I haven't read the comments because, just got here and 463. But I'm unclear about "coffee roll". I've never heard of a coffee roll, but it looks to me like what we in Michigan have that is a cinnomon swirl. It has cinnomon and is covered in glazed donut glaze. MMMM.

And for anyone who thinks that in the days of the political shit that American has become, this isn't a worth whlle topic? Wrong!

My fondest memories of my childhood were of us going to Mass on Sunday, and my dad would stop at a store and ger: chocolate covered donuts to eat while reading the Sunday paper.

Then at Catholic school on first Fridays, we would go to Mass and afterwards have chocolate milk and glazed donuts. Don't know any reason why going to communion on first Friday of the month is any more important than any other day. Don't care. Chocolate milk and glazed donuts. at school.

Now you know why I'm so spiritual.

Posted by: nerdygirl at May 18, 2016 04:14 PM (SXU3d)

497 Chocolate and hazelnuts is a classic combo. that vid says choclate spread out sells peanut butter worldwide.
Posted by: Guy Mohawk at May 18, 2016 04:09 PM (ODxAs)


When I'm really bad, I take a small spoon of each, and swirl them, and just eat it off the spoon. I never put Nutella on bread, my husband does that all the time though, on toast.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 04:14 PM (qCMvj)

498 There are actually some rice cakes that are pretty good, Quaker puts them out. They are about the size of an old time silver dollar and are dusted with flavoring like chocolate, apple pie, ranch dressing, etc. They aren't bad at all.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 04:15 PM (39g3+)

499 The best Chinese food I've ever had was in the Cholon district of Saigon in 1970. Bad area (lots of VC), but damn the food was good.

Posted by: Soona at May 18, 2016 04:12 PM (Fmupd)


Vietnamese cuisine is interesting, what with the French influence and all. Local Viet place makes these sandwiches to die for.

Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 04:15 PM (BbOP8)

500 How, in the name of all that is Holy, did I miss this thread?

Posted by: Weasel at May 18, 2016 04:15 PM (e3bId)

501 Did anyone live in California and remember the Helms Bakery Truck? They'd drive through the neighborhood and we would run out with money from mom to buy their fresh bread, donuts, etc.

Pure Heaven.

Posted by: Cheri at May 18, 2016 04:16 PM (oiNtH)

502 Weasel, the comments are flying thick and fast. Better duck.

Posted by: bluebell at May 18, 2016 04:16 PM (2WwbN)

503 I never put Nutella on bread, my husband does that all the time though, on toast.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 18, 2016 04:14 PM (qCMvj)


For dessert, I put Nutella on graham crackers.

Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 04:16 PM (BbOP8)

504 500,
Dunno. Hot monkey sex perhaps?


/scroll up

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 04:16 PM (C9pBZ)

505 Target, or SuperTarget, of all places had some really good bakery items, esp the Apple Fritters.

They give you the energy you need to hang out in the lady's turdhouse.

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at May 18, 2016 04:17 PM (hqZPQ)

506 359
SERIOUS DONUT COMMENT:
Plain cake donuts broiled briefly in the oven to toast them are like face meltingly delicious. Just insane. Crispy and fatty on the outside and soft and warm on the inside.
Posted by: Max Power at May 18, 2016 03:52 PM (q177U)
------------------------
That is the way my mother "made" donuts!
Yummmmmmm!!!!

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at May 18, 2016 04:17 PM (T/5A0)

507 502 Weasel, the comments are flying thick and fast. Better duck.

Posted by: bluebell at May 18, 2016 04:16 PM (2WwbN)


Yeah, and it's evolved from a doughnut thread to a general food pr0n/lust thread. Who knows what it will turn into in the next hour?

Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 04:18 PM (BbOP8)

508 218 Japan has pastries that look like jelly donuts, but are filled with a tasteless sweet bean paste.

Ick.
Posted by: Noam Sayen at May 18, 2016 03:30 PM (bIhmV)


Ew. Sweet bean paste sounds like some damn hippie thing.

Posted by: nerdygirl at May 18, 2016 04:18 PM (SXU3d)

509 "Oh, and McCain in deep trouble in primary."

I am going to go out to AZ and personally drive voters to the polling place.

Posted by: torquewrench at May 18, 2016 04:18 PM (noWW6)

510 The Helms truck? Ya, I remember that. You must be old like me.

Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 04:19 PM (6Ll1u)

511 The first time I tried a maple bar I wondered why someone would try to pass off 'a loaf of bread smothered in crusty maple syrup' as a donut.

Posted by: Fritz at May 18, 2016 04:20 PM (UzPAd)

512 Yeah, and it's evolved from a doughnut thread to a general food pr0n/lust thread. Who knows what it will turn into in the next hour?
Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 04:18 PM (BbOP
-----------------------

At least it beats the Mother's Day "Name the worst meal you ever had" food thread all to hell.

Posted by: bluebell at May 18, 2016 04:20 PM (2WwbN)

513 "Target, or SuperTarget, of all places had some really good bakery items, esp the Apple Fritters."

Since Target also now has officially sanctioned beards and boners in the ladies' room, gonna be giving them a pass from now on.

As it appears a lot of other people are doing. Target's stock price and revenue are both cratering horribly.

Posted by: torquewrench at May 18, 2016 04:20 PM (noWW6)

514 Now wait a minute. Firstly, I like plain cake donuts. Especially for dunking in my coffee. Dunkin' Donuts got their start with a plain cake donut that had a little handle on one side to facilitate the act. Hense their name.

Secondly, and if this ruins your vision for some time to come I'm sorry. But that first picture could also be seen as an artfully produced pile of dog squeeze. Again I'm sorry but it just popped into my head!

Posted by: Davis Wall at May 18, 2016 04:20 PM (v4K82)

515 42 "A flute with no holes is not a flute. A donut with no holes is a danish." - Ty Webb quoting Zen philosopher Basho.

And a twuck stop bathroom with no holes in the wall is a twavesty!

Posted by: Bawny Fwank at May 18, 2016 04:21 PM (4A5fG)

516 *drinks lowly protein shake*

Thankfully was away for this thread.

Cronuts mentioned?

Posted by: RWC - Team BOHICA at May 18, 2016 04:22 PM (mEZce)

517 "Who knows what it will turn into in the next hour"

Er, a somewhat greasy stained box with a few dollops of assorted fillings, some powdered sugar, and three non matching halves of pain cake donuts?

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 04:22 PM (C9pBZ)

518 For dessert, I put Nutella on graham crackers.

My mom used to make something like that. She made chocolate frosting with cocoa and coat the crackers, let it harden and we could have a few squares of them with school lunches

Posted by: Classic lies at May 18, 2016 04:22 PM (39g3+)

519 Secondly, and if this ruins your vision for some time to come I'm sorry. But that first picture could also be seen as an artfully produced pile of dog squeeze. Again I'm sorry but it just popped into my head!

Posted by: Davis Wall at May 18, 2016 04:20 PM (v4K82)


At least it's not a cigar.

Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 04:22 PM (BbOP8)

520 So to save you a trip to Zero Hedge, go short on Target, go long on pharmaceuticals working on diabetes treatments, and it's all the Joos fault.

The morning ZH newsletter is one goofy read.

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at May 18, 2016 04:23 PM (hqZPQ)

521 Raise your hand if you had the milkman deliver to your house. And you had to shake the bottle, before they had homogenized milk.

Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 04:23 PM (6Ll1u)

522 "Plain". Though "pain" works as well...

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 04:24 PM (C9pBZ)

523 521 Raise your hand if you had the milkman deliver to your house. And you had to shake the bottle, before they had homogenized milk.
Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 04:23 PM (6Ll1u)


( *raises hand* )

Posted by: OregonMuse at May 18, 2016 04:24 PM (BbOP8)

524 And you had to shake the bottle, before they had homogenized milk.

Nope. I had to wake up at 5 and milk the cow. And skim off the excess cream.

Posted by: Classic lies at May 18, 2016 04:25 PM (39g3+)

525 You had cows?
Lucky SOB.
We had to milk the feral cats...

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 04:27 PM (C9pBZ)

526 ... not sure how that old sock got put back up

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 18, 2016 04:27 PM (39g3+)

527 Nope. I had to wake up at 5 and milk the cow. And skim off the excess cream.

Posted by: Classic lies>>>

Must have been nice to have a cow. We had to milk rocks.

Posted by: More classic lies at May 18, 2016 04:27 PM (81UWZ)

528 Rocks? To be so fortunate. We had Kaboom.

With fresh, warm cat milk.

Yum.

Posted by: Anon a mouse... at May 18, 2016 04:29 PM (C9pBZ)

529 We had to milk rocks.

Posted by: More classic lies at May 18, 2016 04:27 PM (81UWZ)

You had rocks? We had to milk sand and it was uphill all the way to the beach!!

Posted by: Hrothgar at May 18, 2016 04:30 PM (wYnyS)

530 Raise your hand if you had the milkman deliver to your house. And you had to shake the bottle, before they had homogenized milk.
Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 04:23 PM (6Ll1u)


-------------


My dad owned a grocery store. He'd bring the bottles home.

Also had a great uncle who was a farmer and my aunt would always have a gallon of ice-cold, fresh whole milk for us. Oh, and there would always be pie to go with it.

Posted by: Soona at May 18, 2016 04:30 PM (Fmupd)

531 Saw an ad yesterday for edible diatimatious earth, WTF? Who is the target besides Joe Biden?

Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 04:31 PM (6Ll1u)

532 Hey Chicks, Get Free Cream Filled Donuts Over Here!

Posted by: Frat Boy Freddie at May 18, 2016 04:32 PM (3b9U4)

533 Caller ID on my cell right now: "Abdul Ahmed"
1-646-256-0496.

No message. Four-second of silence on voice mail.

I don't know any Abdul Ahmeds. I suspect terrorism.
Posted by: Mister Magoo at May 18, 2016 03:54 PM (7gCCJ)


damn right you suspect terrorism

Posted by: ghost of hallelujah at May 18, 2016 04:32 PM (dBmVV)

534 A friend loved eclairs but hated mustard.

So we bought an eclair and injected it with mustard.

Hilarity ensued.

Posted by: Noam Sayen at May 18, 2016 04:33 PM (bIhmV)

535 Back in the day, the only doughnut that was worse than the Plain doughnut was the Hostess Donette that looked like it was covered with fresh boogers. Hostess loved to slip those into their "variety" pack.

Posted by: scrood at May 18, 2016 04:35 PM (3b9U4)

536 We took water from a rainwater filled ditch and crushed up chalk from school and pretended it was milk.

Posted by: Joe Hallenbeck at May 18, 2016 04:37 PM (V8uX9)

537 145
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUIQazHMBkE



The Cadillac of Pastries from Hamtramck, Michigan.
---

OMG, this is my bakery of choice in Hamtramck!

BTW, I've been to Paris.

Sure, their food is amazing, but for baked goods... go Polish. You'll never be sorry.

/or thin.

Posted by: shibumi who is awaiting SMOD at May 18, 2016 04:40 PM (AHDxb)

538 >>Since Target also now has officially sanctioned beards and boners in the ladies' room, gonna be giving them a pass from now on.


The chick that punches the holes in the donuts has suspiciously large wrists.

Posted by: garrett at May 18, 2016 04:41 PM (OxUnq)

539

The chick that punches the holes in the donuts has suspiciously large wrists.
Posted by: garrett at May 18, 2016 04:41 PM (


------------------


And you can't help but notice a sneer, even with the beard.

Posted by: Soona at May 18, 2016 04:43 PM (Fmupd)

540 Re: Abdul Ahmed...on Linkedin, I got more than one request from guys like Abdul Hussain al-Jihad and shit...and that's when I took down all of the military references off my profile.

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at May 18, 2016 04:46 PM (hqZPQ)

541 I'm sorry, but Jelly Sticks are fantastic, and should not be lumped in with the other degenerate jelly-filled donut losers. Sad!

Posted by: Tex Lovera at May 18, 2016 04:47 PM (wtvvX)

542 Donut Plant NYC: blueberry. Try it Ace and you'll want to move next door

Posted by: Mytralman at May 18, 2016 04:56 PM (tl1zM)

543 Humorous post. Ha ha!

Posted by: You funny at May 18, 2016 04:59 PM (Pl1FV)

544 542
Donut Plant NYC: blueberry. Try it Ace and you'll want to move next door

Posted by: Mytralman at May 18, 2016 04:56 PM (tl1zM)
Ace move to NYC? Why would he (we?) want to move to the one of the liberal's unholy shrines?
We have a better chance of SMOD obliterating all life on earth first.

Posted by: Our Country is Screwed at May 18, 2016 05:08 PM (jxbfJ)

545 Ace move to NYC? Why would he (we?) want to move to the one of the liberal's unholy shrines?
We have a better chance of SMOD obliterating all life on earth first.


Posted by: Our Country is Screwed at May 18, 2016 05:08 PM
~~~~~
Ummm...pretty sure Ace already lives in NYC.

Posted by: IrishEi at May 18, 2016 05:13 PM (Lsu4e)

546 62
Meanwhile...





McCain In Deep Trouble in GOP Primary





Better than doughnuts, it is.

yeah - i'm butt-hurt over Cruz dropping out - so now my money goes to Kelli Ward!

Posted by: WaldoTJ at May 18, 2016 05:15 PM (M1MpJ)

547 I do loves me some ugly donuts. Breakfast of champions they are.

Posted by: Colossus of Ben Rhodes at May 18, 2016 05:19 PM (VFhMt)

548 "I went to the Chech festival every year when I lived in Nebraska, good shit. Dammit, now I'm hungry, wish I had a runza hut closer than 1500 miles away.

Posted by: Tinfoilbaby at May 18, 2016 03:23 PM (6Ll1u) "

My great-aunt Beatrice, who was pure Czech made the world's best kolache -- not to mention potato dumplings, aka Bohemian cannonballs. The bakery from Valparaiso, NE occasionally shows up at the Farmer's Market with their kolache. If I get there just at the very minute the bell rings, I can usually get a couple of prune ones. Five minutes later, and they're gone. You'll be glad to know that Runza Hut is alive and well, although the quality of their onion rings has deteriorated.

Posted by: catlady at May 18, 2016 05:26 PM (bn5b8)

549
ZOMG! Apple fritters are da bomb.

From the way ace described them, jelly donuts are the Kaboom of the donut world.

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at May 18, 2016 05:29 PM (BK3ZS)

550 As long as someone brought up kolache and beignets, how about baklava? When I make it, I switch the ratio of water to honey in the syrup so instead of 1/4 cup honey to 3/4 cup water, I use 3/4 cup honey to 1/4 cup water. That little change won me a regional baklava contest and a marble rolling pin.

Posted by: catlady at May 18, 2016 05:34 PM (bn5b8)

551 In a fair world, Ace would be banking his MacArthur genius grant for work like this.

Instead, they go to bearded guys in dresses for singing 'Ob-La-De' in the shower and posting the ensuing debacle on YouTube.

There ain't no justice.

Posted by: Sort-of-Mad Max at May 18, 2016 05:38 PM (XdbLA)

552 I'll take an eclair, please. Or six.

Posted by: Alana at May 18, 2016 05:44 PM (8Kaxh)

553 Just got back from France. I find your crude attempts at pastry unimpressive.


Sorry, it just kind of rubs off on you.

Posted by: Javems at May 18, 2016 05:45 PM (yOqwj)

554 Windbeutels: German cream puffs. The 88 gun of pastries.

Posted by: Kodos the Executioner at May 18, 2016 06:50 PM (J8/9G)

555 Gutballs (what you people call 'apple fritters') are made last from whatever the baker can scrape off the floor from whatever was made throughout the night. It is more profitable than selling the waste to the pig plantation.

Posted by: Burnt Toast at May 18, 2016 07:21 PM (iYTlX)

556 Late to the comments, but Ace has lost his mind if he thinks jelly donuts are the worst donuts. Going by what happens to the six dozen donuts we buy for church I'd say anything with chocolate goes early, apple fritters and bear claws next, jelly donuts go early too, but the ones that are last out of the boxes are usually plain glazed donuts. They taste good, but they aren't the first choice of most of our members.

Posted by: digitalbrownshirt at May 18, 2016 07:24 PM (ROUi8)

557 you forgot the bacon maple long john http://www.courier-journal.com/story/life/food/2014/03/18/doughnutsnords-bakeryfood/6569229/

Posted by: RightEyeGuy at May 18, 2016 09:12 PM (qE9ML)

558 Posted by: Cheri at May 18, 2016 04:16 PM (oiNtH)

I remember those impossibly long drawers on the Helms trucks. Back in the days when the ice cream trucks were actually ice cream trucks, and not decommissioned rape vans driven by off-duty gardeners.



Posted by: Bivalve Curious at May 18, 2016 09:19 PM (S35jl)

559 Hippies screw up pretty much everything they touch, but somehow those Portland hippies at Voodoo Doughnuts have got donuts right. I mean, Captain Crunch cereal glazed on top of a yeast donut is the mark of a genius, amirite?

Posted by: azlibertarian at May 18, 2016 09:39 PM (0SPyv)

560 Nobody thinks any of those are donuts. Except for the bearclaw and the apple fritter. Because those are donuts.

Jelly donuts are great if they are done correctly. Red colored sucrose gel is not jelly. Try Canada. Best donuts ever.

Posted by: Heresolong at May 18, 2016 09:58 PM (ntIeo)

561 Once you got to bear claws, you just started listing in order of the lyrics to Weird Al's Albuquerque, didn't you?

Posted by: OK216 at May 18, 2016 10:03 PM (hLQum)

562 I find jelly donuts make a poor man flesh-light

Posted by: whiskey dick at May 18, 2016 10:58 PM (07Gye)

563 laugh explosion!!

Posted by: Bonedaddi at May 19, 2016 03:22 AM (dE9Jm)

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