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Bad News: Muslim Cleric Declares Fatwa on Wanking Off; Says That Those Who Masturbate Will Have "Pregnant Hands" In the Afterlife

You don't want to be punished with a hand-baby.

A Muslim televangelist has advised male followers to stop masturbating -- because it will leave their hands pregnant in the afterlife.

Turkish preacher Mücahid Cihad Han told viewers that masturbation was forbidden in Islam.

"One hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights,' he said during his program on private television station 2000 TV, according to The Hurriyet Daily News.

Here are some pictures of the crusading cleric.


Well sure I can see why this guy can pontificate against masturbation. I mean, look at him. He looks like he's waist-deep in p***y.

Bro, do you even lift?

And now, for rebuttal: A nervous goat.

goatbuttal.jpg
"Everything that just guy said is bullshit!"

Posted by: Ace at 06:34 PM




Comments

(Jump to bottom of comments)

1 you baaad boy.

Posted by: boulder terlit hobo at May 26, 2015 06:36 PM (AVEe1)

2 I prefer having Patrick Duffy for a leg.

Posted by: Scuzzlebutt at May 26, 2015 06:36 PM (1CroS)

3 If they have a baby-hand doesn't that make masturbation pedophilia?

Posted by: Yes means Maybe at May 26, 2015 06:37 PM (7wyDO)

4 It all depends on what the meaning of "sexual intercourse" is.

What I can say is that I never had sexual relations with that hand, who I like to call "Miss Lewinsky".

Posted by: Billy Bob Mohammed at May 26, 2015 06:37 PM (FCsIb)

5 Well, I guess the ol' mullah would know, wouldn't he...?

Posted by: Dr. Todd Ambrosius at May 26, 2015 06:37 PM (x550S)

6 Preeeeee-gnant haaaaannndddd???


Baaa hhaaa haaa haaaa!

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at May 26, 2015 06:37 PM (V8fhv)

7 No no, the goat supports male Muslim masturbation. Takes a little pressure off his backside.

Posted by: fairweatherbill at May 26, 2015 06:37 PM (o/3Hk)

8 Also that preacher's name is too obvious. Mujahid Jihad? Really?

Posted by: boulder terlit hobo at May 26, 2015 06:37 PM (AVEe1)

9 Hi Ace!

Is this serious?

Punished with " hand baby" is funny!

Posted by: Carol at May 26, 2015 06:38 PM (5Easn)

10 This explains why shaking hands is verboten in Islam. Kind of ghey.

Posted by: MTF at May 26, 2015 06:38 PM (FCsIb)

11 You can always get an abortion by cutting off your fingers.

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at May 26, 2015 06:38 PM (sH832)

12 Good thing I use a sock. Now I can replace the ones I lose in the dryer.

Posted by: Stu Podaso at May 26, 2015 06:39 PM (8gT9T)

13 My hand gave me the clap!

Posted by: Pappy O'Daniel at May 26, 2015 06:39 PM (oVJmc)

14 Okay, that's just funny, that is.

I so very much needed a good laugh right about now.

A couple of puppy pictures and I think I'll be edging away from ragestroke territory. Maybe.

Posted by: sock_rat_eez at May 26, 2015 06:39 PM (S0bOl)

15 So. . . extending that logic, there will be a lot of pregnant goats and sheep in the middle east in short order. And pregnant dancing boys in Afghanistan?

Posted by: Sphynx at May 26, 2015 06:40 PM (OZmbA)

16 Can I claim Jenna Jameson as the father of various handbabies born ~1999, then? Is she liable for child support?

Posted by: boulder terlit hobo at May 26, 2015 06:40 PM (AVEe1)

17 Is that a picture of this genius at his favorite outdoor cafe?
Enjoying a bottle of Chardonnay and watching the world pass by?

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at May 26, 2015 06:40 PM (sH832)

18 His agent loves this! Great publicity. A real hand up in the Televangelical world.

Posted by: MTF at May 26, 2015 06:40 PM (FCsIb)

19 Would this video be considered as 'promoting baby hands?'

https://youtu.be/BUgnR2vb2hs

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at May 26, 2015 06:40 PM (V8fhv)

20 But they can do a goat?
Goat child in the afterlife!

Posted by: Carol at May 26, 2015 06:40 PM (5Easn)

21 Love the goat. And this is just more proof that islam is not a real religion.

Posted by: Vic We Have No Party at May 26, 2015 06:40 PM (GpgJl)

22
It's true.

Posted by: Soothsayer at May 26, 2015 06:41 PM (SyIL9)

23 So, what happens when your hand has babies and they're Asian?

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at May 26, 2015 06:41 PM (sH832)

24 That's a mighty cute goat.

She got any friends?

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at May 26, 2015 06:41 PM (zRby/)

25 If you wear gloves are you protected?

Posted by: MTF at May 26, 2015 06:41 PM (FCsIb)

26 Maybe, by pregnant he means blisters? You know you get these big blisters and your hands start looking like they're pregnant?

Here's a couple of real nervous goats:

http://goo.gl/rnF27

Posted by: Bruce But Not Jenner at May 26, 2015 06:41 PM (iQIUe)

27 I have to say I've impregnated my share of blue dresses and blouses.

Posted by: Billy Jeff Clinton at May 26, 2015 06:41 PM (OZmbA)

28
Alternate post title:

If You Swallow Watermelon Seeds, A Watermelon Will Grow In Your Tummy

Posted by: Soothsayer at May 26, 2015 06:41 PM (SyIL9)

29 He said, "Only the tip." Now look at me.

Posted by: Pregnant Hands at May 26, 2015 06:41 PM (vP2C5)

30 Why did Imam Pervert say this?

Simple.

If Muslim men can't have sex with females, and *ahem* can't relieve themselves they *might* be more open to doing something for Islam.

Like a suicide bombing for instance.

Posted by: shibumi who is awaiting SMOD at May 26, 2015 06:41 PM (ve5uE)

31 This post needs some Willie and the Hand Jive.

Posted by: Garrett at May 26, 2015 06:42 PM (heJs4)

32 What if you never used your left hand?

Posted by: cthulhu at May 26, 2015 06:42 PM (T1005)

33 Cue Jackson Browne's "Rosie".

Posted by: BignJames at May 26, 2015 06:42 PM (HtUkt)

34 Time to release Osama's porn stash.

Posted by: River Guide at May 26, 2015 06:42 PM (RJMhd)

35 Women are conspicuously absented from this little rule change, I see. How about trannies? Where do they fall in the hand pregnancy line-up?

Posted by: MTF at May 26, 2015 06:42 PM (FCsIb)

36 I've got things to do & I'm reading blog on iPhone.

Thank you for laughs, Ace!

Posted by: Carol at May 26, 2015 06:42 PM (5Easn)

37 Actually, I bet a lot more of these guys have knocked up feet.

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at May 26, 2015 06:43 PM (sH832)

38 You've got to change you wankin' ways, baby.

Posted by: Hank at May 26, 2015 06:43 PM (mb+j8)

39
Notice how the Left and the muslims come out every single day with a New Rule?

Posted by: Soothsayer at May 26, 2015 06:43 PM (SyIL9)

40 Can I just do it until they swell up?

Or start complaining about getting married?

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at May 26, 2015 06:43 PM (zRby/)

41 Neither Allah or Mohamad ever said that. I will kill you for laughing at Islam.

Posted by: Angry Muslims at May 26, 2015 06:43 PM (53CCM)

42 ONT participants hardest hit.

Posted by: Golfman at May 26, 2015 06:43 PM (48QDY)

43 There was this pious youth who ate pop-rocks and pepsi before running into the Amriki base and blew the kuffars to hell....

Posted by: turban legends at May 26, 2015 06:43 PM (uctT+)

44 Perhaps as more and more of the stupidity that is orthodox Islam is made visible to the dull-witted of Amurica, a new day will dawn, when we all can join our baby hands together and just say

SCREW THIS NONSENSE!


....and point and laugh. Really, this is just dumb.

Posted by: Bossy Conservative....lost in America at May 26, 2015 06:44 PM (RFeQD)

45 This dude looks like his face is expecting twins.

Posted by: River Guide at May 26, 2015 06:44 PM (RJMhd)

46 Jim and Tammy start to back away from Iman Handjob going "ooookkkaaayyyy..."

http://tinyurl.com/om8cq7r

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at May 26, 2015 06:44 PM (V8fhv)

47 Boy hand babies, i hope...because girl hand babies....are just freaky!!!

Posted by: Mr. KnowItAll at May 26, 2015 06:44 PM (uJK1E)

48 And yet the left calls conservatives; science deniers.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at May 26, 2015 06:44 PM (zRby/)

49 His fatwa would have a lot more force if there pictures attached of people with really bloated hands. Maybe at a Lamaze class, for context.

Posted by: MTF at May 26, 2015 06:44 PM (FCsIb)

50 By the hairs on my chin-chinny-chin some like it gruff.

Posted by: islamic asshole at May 26, 2015 06:44 PM (kivUY)

51 Jazz hands good.

Jizz hands not so good.

Posted by: JackStraw at May 26, 2015 06:44 PM (g1DWB)

52 The sad part is, he probably does have like a dozen early teen girls in his harem.

Posted by: Christopher taylor at May 26, 2015 06:44 PM (39g3+)

53 Time to release Osama's porn stash.

https://youtu.be/SjG8nbWxUIM

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at May 26, 2015 06:45 PM (sH832)

54 Jizz hands?

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at May 26, 2015 06:45 PM (F2IAQ)

55 With these pregnant hands
One look at you and I can't disguise
I've got pregnant hands
I feel the magic between you and I

Posted by: Eric Carmen at May 26, 2015 06:45 PM (2cS/G)

56 And now, for rebuttal: A nervous goat.

Chortle,

Any man who can wind a turban like that must be master of his domain.

Posted by: DaveA at May 26, 2015 06:45 PM (DL2i+)

57 I'll only stop fapping when they pull my cold dead pregnant hands off my junk.

Posted by: Count de Monet at May 26, 2015 06:45 PM (JO9+V)

58 So the Turkish language had to import the word "masturbation"? This just seems like such a basic word that would arise organically, if you will, in every tongue.

What's the Anglo-Saxon word for hand-baby makin'?

Posted by: All Hail Eris at May 26, 2015 06:45 PM (jR7Wy)

59 What if you never used your left hand?


Posted by: cthulhu


Why, you'd feel like a different person!

Posted by: Bossy Conservative....lost in America at May 26, 2015 06:45 PM (RFeQD)

60 Brings a new meaning to the phrase "pregnant paws"

Posted by: Christopher taylor at May 26, 2015 06:45 PM (39g3+)

61 that's just not my thing baby

Posted by: Bigby's Pregnant Hands at May 26, 2015 06:45 PM (Cq0oW)

62 Joel Osteen is looking pretty good by comparison.

Posted by: Buzzion at May 26, 2015 06:46 PM (z/Ubi)

63 Mark Steyn says that this is a parody. And I believe him.

http://www.steynonline.com/6975/us-security-threats-climate-change-or-eight-year

Posted by: jack at May 26, 2015 06:46 PM (53CCM)

64 This just in!! Noah Rothman lands gig as photo-labeler for World-famous Ace O'Spades blog!! Film at 11......

Posted by: that guy with breaking news at May 26, 2015 06:46 PM (sUMfc)

65 When mast-ta-bation's lost its fun, you're fucking breaking.

Posted by: Vermin at May 26, 2015 06:46 PM (+IWup)

66 Posted by: JackStraw at May 26, 2015 06:44 PM (g1DWB)

I knew there was a Jazz hands joke in there somewhere.

Thanks for letting it out.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at May 26, 2015 06:46 PM (zRby/)

67 I love you, man.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at May 26, 2015 06:46 PM (rNMmS)

68 Wouldn't it make more sense if the hand got pregnant for nine months per episode of spanking the monkey? Maybe blurped out a little baby hand, went back to gradual swelling until painful, and repeated?

Posted by: cthulhu at May 26, 2015 06:46 PM (T1005)

69 This is horrible news.

Posted by: Uncle Busyhands at May 26, 2015 06:46 PM (Dwehj)

70 By extension, should we not now immediately run to Congressman Ellison and demand he comment on this, proving his allegiance to Science?

Posted by: Christopher taylor at May 26, 2015 06:46 PM (39g3+)

71 Put a glove on it and it's ok.

Posted by: Dave S. at May 26, 2015 06:46 PM (2zIj5)

72
Brings a new meaning to the phrase "pregnant paws"

Double Heh.

Posted by: Soothsayer at May 26, 2015 06:46 PM (SyIL9)

73 Wait, is that Jolly Masturbation Imam? The Jolly Masturbation Imam? Best children's show in Malaysia! I grew up with him, and his hand puppets.

Posted by: Barack Obama at May 26, 2015 06:46 PM (qyomX)

74 If Achmed's prego hand looks like Abdul then we are talking real trouble.

Posted by: JackStraw at May 26, 2015 06:47 PM (g1DWB)

75 I think the joke's on us.

Fatwa means 'masturbation' in Arabic.

And all this time.....

Posted by: Bossy Conservative....lost in America at May 26, 2015 06:47 PM (RFeQD)

76 no problem. just head down to Hand Parenthood for an abortion.

Posted by: X at May 26, 2015 06:47 PM (n5fTN)

77 SHIT!!!

There goes the Palm Shaving Franchise opportunity I had in the ME.

Posted by: Jukin, Former Republican at May 26, 2015 06:47 PM (TV9BR)

78 'You know why dogs lick their wieners?



So they don't get pregnant paws...
I know, it's awful.
But, serious guys:

Don't 'bate.'

Posted by: This guy at May 26, 2015 06:47 PM (heJs4)

79 If he really wanted men to stop...he would say it causes micro-aggressions.....

Posted by: Mr. KnowItAll at May 26, 2015 06:47 PM (uJK1E)

80 I say the left hand diddles now

While the right hand goes to work.

Posted by: DEVO at May 26, 2015 06:47 PM (JO9+V)

81 So do jazz hands lead to pregger hands?

Posted by: SMFH at it all at May 26, 2015 06:47 PM (OsWis)

82 By further extension should not all Democrats be questioned on this topic, since Ellison is a Muslim and he's one of them? I mean, after all, that's what would happen if some goofball calling himself a Christian said something this daffy with Republicans.

Posted by: Christopher taylor at May 26, 2015 06:47 PM (39g3+)

83 This explains why shaking hands is verboten in Islam. Kind of ghey.

Posted by: MTF at May 26, 2015 06:38 PM (FCsIb)


They are afeared of crushing their afterlife chirruns?

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at May 26, 2015 06:47 PM (mtmZ0)

84 I thought goat tongues were pointy?

Posted by: Bruce But Not Jenner at May 26, 2015 06:47 PM (iQIUe)

85 What is t with goats anyway? What about bunnies, for Mohammed's romantic evenings at home? Or ferrets, if Ahmed likes it rough?

Posted by: MTF at May 26, 2015 06:47 PM (FCsIb)

86 Also, he already has creepy little baby hands, so who is he to judge?

Posted by: All Hail Eris at May 26, 2015 06:47 PM (jR7Wy)

87 Hey cooth : )

How are you doing?

Posted by: SMFH at it all at May 26, 2015 06:48 PM (OsWis)

88 When asked for a comment, Porno Porpoise went "Squee!"

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at May 26, 2015 06:48 PM (V8fhv)

89 i kinda figure if you're in heaven don't be complaining about shit

Posted by: Bigby's Pregnant Hands at May 26, 2015 06:48 PM (Cq0oW)

90 I have positive con-sexual sex with my right hand but I rape my left on....I rape my left one.

Yeah, I like hand rape.

Posted by: Jukin, Former Republican at May 26, 2015 06:48 PM (TV9BR)

91 Sucks to have to humpbot your way through Islam with no hands....

-beds
-couches
-washing machines and dryers
-pillows
-stuffed animals
-trees
-loaves of bread
-mannequins


Posted by: Stateless Infidel at May 26, 2015 06:48 PM (AC0lD)

Posted by: kathysaysso at May 26, 2015 06:48 PM (fMQoG)

93 To be fair, I personally wouldn't want to jerk off any Muslim penises either.

So I, for one, will indeed follow this fatwa against using a hand for causing a Muslim penis to ejaculate.

Avoiding anything along those lines sounds like a good plan to me.

Posted by: zombie at May 26, 2015 06:49 PM (jBuUi)

94 "Everything that just guy said is bullshit!"

What makes you so sure he's a just guy?

Posted by: SGTYork at May 26, 2015 06:49 PM (/yNLK)

95 the threat of blindness wasn't enough?

Posted by: kathysaysso at May 26, 2015 06:49 PM (fMQoG)

96 My hands will go blind.

Posted by: Uncle Busyhands at May 26, 2015 06:49 PM (Dwehj)

97 lol

if ya like it
then ya betta put a glooove on it

Posted by: Bigby's Pregnant Hands at May 26, 2015 06:49 PM (Cq0oW)

98 Think we're still short a couple birth control, pulling out, and rhythm method jokes people. Come on pick up the pace.

Posted by: Buzzion at May 26, 2015 06:49 PM (z/Ubi)

99 Straight jackin' saves mad cream, yo!

Posted by: Bokeem Woodbine in Big Hit at May 26, 2015 06:49 PM (39g3+)

100 ...and remember, the Turks are the "moderate Muslim" allies of ours who, let's remember, are members of NATO who we are treaty bound to follow in to war.

Posted by: mynewhandle at May 26, 2015 06:50 PM (AkOaV)

101 A baby in the palm is worth two in the bush.

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 26, 2015 06:50 PM (2cS/G)

102 If each finger gets pregnant, does that count as dectuplets?

Posted by: zombie at May 26, 2015 06:50 PM (jBuUi)

103 There were no out of wedlock hand babies prior to 1960.

Posted by: Krazy Ken at May 26, 2015 06:50 PM (z/Ubi)

104 God bless ewe
Ewe make me feel brand new
For God blessed me with ewe
Ewe make me feel brand new
I sing this song 'cause ewe
Make me feel brand new

Posted by: Jihad Joe in the Pasture at May 26, 2015 06:50 PM (OZmbA)

105 That is a really cute kid though. Even with the creepy goat eyes.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 26, 2015 06:51 PM (39g3+)

106 Finally ... an AoSHQ lifestyle post .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at May 26, 2015 06:51 PM (EaYvJ)

107 87
Hey cooth : )



How are you doing?

Posted by: SMFH at it all at May 26, 2015 06:48 PM (OsWis)


Howdy, howdy.

Hangin' in there -- busy day today, but productive.

Posted by: cthulhu at May 26, 2015 06:51 PM (T1005)

108 My hands will become non-viable masses of tissue?

Posted by: Uncle Busyhands at May 26, 2015 06:51 PM (Dwehj)

109 Is Mary Cloggenstein still here? I want to know if the Brattleboro Womyn's Health Clinic covers hand pregnancies.

Posted by: Prince Ludwig the Indestructible at May 26, 2015 06:51 PM (tgnRB)

110 Oh look, a guy named Mujahid Jihad. Must be another one of those moderate Muslims.

Posted by: PC at May 26, 2015 06:51 PM (z/dJ6)

111 Ha. I'm safe.

Posted by: Harry Reid at May 26, 2015 06:51 PM (sQzB6)

112 But for pedophiles like Harry Reid, this would be a feature.

Posted by: bergerbilder at May 26, 2015 06:52 PM (+jijM)

113 Point of order: can there even be such a thing as a muslim evangelist, tele- or otherwise? Isn't "evangelist", by definition, one who preaches only the Christian Gospel?


This dillweed is a proselytizer, not an evangelist. Of course, I know the MSM chose "televangelist" for this story because they can slur Christians, too, by association. But we should call them on it.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at May 26, 2015 06:52 PM (mtmZ0)

114 And what happens when foot fetishists get a foot job?

Will merely walking thenceforth induce multiple miscarriages?

Posted by: zombie at May 26, 2015 06:52 PM (jBuUi)

115 RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!

Posted by: The Chicken at May 26, 2015 06:52 PM (fLKzW)

116 #GlovesMatter

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 26, 2015 06:52 PM (2cS/G)

117 "Islamic Females Madly Rubbing It Out, Film At Eleven!"

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at May 26, 2015 06:52 PM (y/p2Y)

118 This is a great relief. Now I understand why my right hand craves pickles and ice cream.

Posted by: Michael Moore at May 26, 2015 06:52 PM (qyomX)

119 101 A baby in the palm is worth two in the bush.Friggin genius....

Posted by: JBrother at May 26, 2015 06:52 PM (tiZ4y)

120 What about masturbating with prosthetic hands? Will your hand baby be a cyborg?

Posted by: All Hail Eris at May 26, 2015 06:53 PM (jR7Wy)

121 I said LAN-O-LIN, not that aloe-vera BS!!

Posted by: Bokeem Woodbine in Big Hit at May 26, 2015 06:53 PM (39g3+)

122 He's on TV? Maybe he can explain what the Koran has to say
about that.

Posted by: kansas at May 26, 2015 06:53 PM (vqsBK)

123 We can still screw meerkats though, right?

Posted by: islamic asshole at May 26, 2015 06:53 PM (kivUY)

124 We just went double Platinum in Turkey!

Posted by: diVINYLS at May 26, 2015 06:53 PM (JO9+V)

125 Posted by: zombie at May 26, 2015 06:49 PM (jBuUi)
========================

This is sounding worse and worse to me!

Posted by: Billy Bob Mohammed at May 26, 2015 06:53 PM (FCsIb)

126 What about me?!?!?!

Posted by: Mike Hunt at May 26, 2015 06:53 PM (TV9BR)

127 Well, that ends the Muslim threat. I see mass conversions to Presbyterianism where masturbation is a sacrament.

Posted by: Hepcat at May 26, 2015 06:53 PM (IeR2g)

128
I've been known to switch off from right to left and back again.....you know, a threesome.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at May 26, 2015 06:54 PM (ynQIy)

129 So...you're saying this imam has declared a fapwa.

Not surprised..

Posted by: SGTYork at May 26, 2015 06:54 PM (/yNLK)

130 So does she have Betty Davis ewes?

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at May 26, 2015 06:54 PM (V8fhv)

131 'Look, Imam-

No Hand Babies!'

Posted by: Guy Fucking Goat at May 26, 2015 06:54 PM (heJs4)

132 In Islam, even masturbation is a sin. And I guess in every other religion.

Posted by: Allah at May 26, 2015 06:54 PM (53CCM)

133 My guess is that dude knows his fapping like the back of his hand.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at May 26, 2015 06:54 PM (ODxAs)

134
Han initially looked puzzled when a viewer said he "kept masturbating, although he was married, and even during the Umrah," a pilgrimage to Mecca.




"It was, John John."

"Ohhhhhhh -- John John."

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at May 26, 2015 06:54 PM (kdS6q)

135 Isn't "evangelist", by definition, one who preaches only the Christian Gospel?

Technically yes, the 'evangael' is the gospel. Then again, technically you can't have 'fundamentalists' outside Christianity either, since they were those who followed the Fundamentals of Christianity but the term has become much broader now.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 26, 2015 06:54 PM (39g3+)

136 This is ba-a-a-a-ad.

Real ba-a-a-a-ad.

Posted by: A Goat at May 26, 2015 06:54 PM (8ZskC)

137 Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his turban was home
And when he died
All he left us was a go o o oat.

Posted by: Hand Baby at May 26, 2015 06:55 PM (JdEZJ)

138 What if it's someone elses hand doing the Jacking?

Posted by: Lena Dunham at May 26, 2015 06:55 PM (fLKzW)

139 120 What about masturbating with prosthetic hands? Will your hand baby be a cyborg?
Posted by: All Hail Eris


And in the final scene, the disembodied cyborg hand will crawl back down the dusty road...to jerk you off one more time!

Posted by: zombie at May 26, 2015 06:55 PM (jBuUi)

140 So...you're saying this imam has declared a fapwa.

Posted by: SGTYork at May 26, 2015 06:54 PM (/yNLK)
---
**gentle golf clap (so as to not hurt the baby)**

Posted by: All Hail Eris at May 26, 2015 06:55 PM (jR7Wy)

141 132 In Islam, even masturbation is a sin. And I guess in every other religion.

Naah, in some religions it's just blackmail material, in case you ever decide to leave.

Posted by: Zombie L Ron Hubbard at May 26, 2015 06:55 PM (qyomX)

142 PRO TIP: You won't knock up your hand if you pull out quickly enough.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at May 26, 2015 06:55 PM (8ZskC)

143 What about me?!?!?! Posted by: Mike Hunt

Screw you, pal.

Posted by: Dick Gozinya at May 26, 2015 06:55 PM (Dwehj)

144 What about womyns rubbing one off...oh wait.

Posted by: Jukin, Former Republican at May 26, 2015 06:55 PM (TV9BR)

145 Wait..... what did this guy just say?

Posted by: The Goat at May 26, 2015 06:55 PM (fLKzW)

146 Are daisy chains okay?

You're not using your hand to wank yourself off. You're wanking somebody else and vice versa.

Posted by: Hepcat at May 26, 2015 06:56 PM (IeR2g)

147 Fap the Casbah!

Posted by: The Clash at May 26, 2015 06:56 PM (JO9+V)

148 134 Han initially looked puzzled when a viewer said he "kept masturbating, although he was married, and even during the Umrah," a pilgrimage to Mecca.

So Han fapped first?

Posted by: Splunge at May 26, 2015 06:56 PM (qyomX)

149 Can I just do it until I need a large-print koran?

Posted by: Achmed the Goat-Fucking Terrorist at May 26, 2015 06:56 PM (8ZskC)

150 I gotta get off, or I'm gonna explo

Posted by: Achmed the Masturbating Terrorist at May 26, 2015 06:56 PM (RzZOc)

151
So...you're saying this imam has declared a fapwa.

Not surprised..

Posted by: SGTYork at May 26, 2015 06:54 PM (/yNLK)







*snort*

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at May 26, 2015 06:56 PM (ynQIy)

152 That guy is an asshole!

Posted by: Rosie Palme & her 5 sisters at May 26, 2015 06:57 PM (9Bl5d)

153 Shut up, you guys! I'm busy!

Posted by: Heywood Jablome at May 26, 2015 06:57 PM (kivUY)

154
In Islam, even masturbation is a sin. And I guess in every other religion.
Posted by: Allah

Despite Han's assertive religious stance, only a limited number of Islamic interpretations categorize masturbation as haram, while most of others call it a makruh (disliked) act.

Many of the mainstream Islamic interpretations even allow it in certain conditions, like if the act could be used to avoid the temptation of an extramarital affair.




Big tent. In my pants.

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at May 26, 2015 06:57 PM (kdS6q)

155 The sound of the muezzin wacking off in the minaret at sunrise is the most beautiful sound in the world.

Posted by: Prez'nit Shit Midas at May 26, 2015 06:57 PM (8ZskC)

156 Any fuckin idiot crackpot can be an Imam I guess. Simply bizzarre.

Posted by: Chavez the Hugo at May 26, 2015 06:58 PM (ucDmr)

157 34 Time to release Osama's porn stash.
Posted by: River Guide at May 26, 2015 06:42 PM (RJMhd)

Release... The Whaken!

Posted by: Name: at May 26, 2015 06:58 PM (67lRH)

158 Crazy muslims are a natural ally for American social conservatives.

Posted by: Grover Norquist at May 26, 2015 06:58 PM (gP1eR)

159 There is another side to this story.

Posted by: Butt Baby at May 26, 2015 06:58 PM (JdEZJ)

160 My friends, we have nothing to fear from fapping with your left hand.

Posted by: John McCain, Card Carring Maverick at May 26, 2015 06:58 PM (TV9BR)

161 Shut up, you guys! I'm busy!
Posted by: Heywood Jablome at May 26, 2015 06:57 PM (kivUY)
*********
Oooooh that's a good one!

Posted by: Hugh G Rection at May 26, 2015 06:58 PM (fLKzW)

162 Well, as the book says, "If your hand offends you, stop dating it. I mean sheesh, why settle for that. So what if you break up with your hand? There's more to you than being part of that sort of thing. There must be more than 12 billion hands out there, surely one of them is gonna be able to crack your carrot!"

Posted by: Kindltot at May 26, 2015 06:58 PM (t//F+)

163 Any fuckin idiot crackpot can be an Imam I guess. Simply bizzarre.


I applied online.

Posted by: George W. Bush at May 26, 2015 06:59 PM (8ZskC)

164 So, the word "goat" in Turkish is spelled h'and?

Learn something new every day.

Posted by: zombie at May 26, 2015 06:59 PM (jBuUi)

165 He looks like he'll need to demand a paternity test.

Posted by: Plinko at May 26, 2015 06:59 PM (h6CXc)

166 Jackin' it in Istanbul!

Posted by: SouthPark at May 26, 2015 06:59 PM (JO9+V)

167 Hand babys?!? Everybody knows masturbating will give you hairy palms duh.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 06:59 PM (UnJ7w)

168 Calm down. Plenty of fapping to go 'round.

Posted by: Sir Walter Raleigh In A Can at May 26, 2015 06:59 PM (Dwehj)

169 Representative Keith Ellison was not available for comment.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 26, 2015 06:59 PM (39g3+)

170 Every conceivable human action falls under five rulings, or ahkam: the forbidden (haram), the discouraged (makruh), the neutral (mubah), the recommended (mustahib), and the obligatory (wajib).

Masturbation fits all actions; simultaneously.

Posted by: Islamic Apologist at May 26, 2015 07:00 PM (xQX/f)

171 Amanda Huggenkiss. Hey guys, I'm lookin' for Amanda Huggenkiss.

Posted by: Moe Sizlack at May 26, 2015 07:00 PM (tgnRB)

172 Did ye here that Father O'Malley we can have children we can have children...

Posted by: Father O'Shaughnessy at May 26, 2015 07:00 PM (XYKz+)

173 If some obscure Christian had said it, it would lead the news on MSNBC.

Can't you just hear Maddow giggling.

But it's a Muslim, so no coverage.

Posted by: Hepcat at May 26, 2015 07:00 PM (IeR2g)

174 Handbabies and boobquakes. That's one hell of a fucked up religion they got going there.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at May 26, 2015 07:00 PM (8ZskC)

175 That's why you should wear rubber gloves. Duh.

Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:00 PM (NeFrd)

176 <<**gentle golf clap (so as to not hurt the baby)**>>

*thumbs up* It's a boy!

Posted by: SGTYork at May 26, 2015 07:01 PM (/yNLK)

177 Not to worry because you could just steal something in the afterlife and someone will take care of that problem for you.

Posted by: FireHorse at May 26, 2015 07:01 PM (r+LOT)

178 Crazy muslims are a natural ally for American social conservatives.

I wuv U

Posted by: Mr. Foo Foo at May 26, 2015 07:01 PM (Dwehj)

179 Mike Rotch, has anybody seen Mike Rotch?

Posted by: Moe Sizlack at May 26, 2015 07:02 PM (tgnRB)

180 If you think that's baaad let me tell you a story.

Posted by: Goat Baby at May 26, 2015 07:02 PM (JdEZJ)

181 Hadji PSA: never leave home without your print give tinfoil turban. Without one, the evil hair rays will make you beat it like it owes you money. End result, knocked up hands for eternity!

Posted by: bebe's boobs destroy at May 26, 2015 07:02 PM (9Bl5d)

182 If a criminal is going to have his hand cut off for stealing, can he can say his hand is pregnant and avoid the penalty?

Posted by: Hepcat at May 26, 2015 07:02 PM (IeR2g)

183 My hand gave me the clap!
Posted by: Pappy O'Daniel at May 26, 2015 06:39 PM (oVJmc)

VD is nothing to clap about.

Posted by: Obligatory at May 26, 2015 07:02 PM (zdw2Z)

184 We *might* have got punk'd... but the satire is based on real hadiths and the Qur'an.

Islamic law considers masturbation haram; it falls in the penumbra of Q. 23:5-7.
* http://authentichadiths.blogspot.com/2011/07/ruling-on-masturbation.html
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Islam_and_masturbation#Hadith

Alongside this there is an Anas bin Malik hadith, "the Apostle of God said - The person who performs Nikah [adultery] with his hands is cursed".

The curse in the next world is typically that, if one sins, his body parts will denounce the sinner before God; this is Q. 24:24, "On the day when their tongues, their hands, and their feet will bear witness against them as to their actions" (/ 41:21).

So. Maybe a prank. But Islam *could* teach this.

wa Allahu 'alam

Posted by: boulder terlit hobo at May 26, 2015 07:02 PM (AVEe1)

185 It ended not with a Bang, but with a final wave of HandBabies.

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 26, 2015 07:03 PM (2cS/G)

186 But if a Muslim does it, it's not fap fap.

Posted by: Whoopi Goldberg at May 26, 2015 07:03 PM (jBuUi)

187 Haram, man, I'm haram! Look it up!!!

Posted by: The Chicken at May 26, 2015 07:03 PM (8ZskC)

188 Christians are just as bad.

Posted by: Douchebag at Salon at May 26, 2015 07:03 PM (TV9BR)

189 Goat to hand it to that imam, he's certainly jacked up the thread.

*pregnant pause*


Naaaahahahahaha!



Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim at May 26, 2015 07:03 PM (RzZOc)

190 If a dog masturbated would he experience a pregnant paws?

Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:04 PM (NeFrd)

191 What if you use a condom?


Posted by: Hepcat at May 26, 2015 07:04 PM (IeR2g)

192 Nervous? That goat has that "come hither" look.

Posted by: Slicked-up Willy at May 26, 2015 07:04 PM (+jijM)

193 Barack Obama is a SCOAMT.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:04 PM (kff5f)

194 Mohammedanism is an evil (and sick) death cult.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:04 PM (kff5f)

195 Heh.

Posted by: A Pig at May 26, 2015 07:04 PM (8ZskC)

196 But what if you use a fleshlight?

...Asking for a friend.

Posted by: Carlos Danger at May 26, 2015 07:04 PM (AkOaV)

197 Dear Morons, this is why I love this place. Give yourselves a hand (job).

Posted by: dogfish at May 26, 2015 07:04 PM (jWtyG)

198 Btw, the koran doesn't say any of this shit. It's the hadith and the 1,500 year old customs of the inbred arabs.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:05 PM (UnJ7w)

199 Burn it down.
Scatter the stones.
Salt the earth where it stood.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:05 PM (kff5f)

200 What if your penis just happens to get sucked by the vacuum cleaner hose? Asking for a friend.

Posted by: Hadji at May 26, 2015 07:05 PM (fLKzW)

201 Wait no masturbation? Oh, shit.

Posted by: The Chicken at May 26, 2015 07:05 PM (0FSuD)

202 'Christians are just as bad'


Yea always getting off on their high horse.

Posted by: Horse Baby at May 26, 2015 07:05 PM (JdEZJ)

203 has Barry bowed to this cleric yet ?

Posted by: some random meathead - future South American?? at May 26, 2015 07:05 PM (XVOlz)

204 200 What if your penis just happens to get sucked by the vacuum cleaner hose? Asking for a friend.
Posted by: Hadji at May 26, 2015 07:05 PM (fLKzW)

Gonna have to empty that bag eventually.

Posted by: Golfman at May 26, 2015 07:05 PM (48QDY)

205 Juvenile humor could solve the world's problems.

Posted by: dogfish at May 26, 2015 07:05 PM (jWtyG)

206 191
What if you use a condom?


Posted by: Hepcat at May 26, 2015 07:04 PM (IeR2g)
- - - - - - -

I mean, put the condom on your hand, not your dick.

Posted by: Hepcat at May 26, 2015 07:06 PM (IeR2g)

207 What if your penis just happens to get sucked by the vacuum cleaner hose?


Vacuum cleaners are haram, for they tempt the faithful.

Posted by: Achmed the Goat-Fucking Terrorist at May 26, 2015 07:06 PM (8ZskC)

208 Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:05 PM (UnJ7w)

Eh, does it really make a difference?

Posted by: mynewhandle at May 26, 2015 07:06 PM (AkOaV)

209 206
191

What if you use a condom?




Posted by: Hepcat at May 26, 2015 07:04 PM (IeR2g)
- - - - - - -

I mean, put the condom on your hand, not your dick.


Posted by: Hepcat at May 26, 2015 07:06 PM (IeR2g)

- - - - - - - -
One of those sheepskin condoms.

Posted by: Hepcat at May 26, 2015 07:07 PM (IeR2g)

210 This classic "hand baby" has to be about 30 years old by now.

Posted by: '80s Movies at May 26, 2015 07:07 PM (zdw2Z)

211 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZoi1dooMfM

Posted by: '80s Movies at May 26, 2015 07:07 PM (zdw2Z)

212 I'm gonna be reeeeaaalllly busy in the afterlife. I hope they have diapers at the Costco in heaven!

Posted by: chi's sandwIch (previously shredded chi) at May 26, 2015 07:07 PM (oTxIB)

213 Every goat is precious,
Every goat is great.
If you fap instead,
Allah gets so irate....

Posted by: zombie at May 26, 2015 07:07 PM (jBuUi)

214 I never heard of pregnant hands, but I seem to remember my momma saying something about frogs or blisters...but I did not hear so clearly thru the bathroom door with the shower running?

Posted by: Nevergiveup at May 26, 2015 07:07 PM (rDqRv)

215 Feet are still good right?

Posted by: Habib the Faithful at May 26, 2015 07:08 PM (XVOlz)

216 This is trouble. In some cultures reproduction is kept in the family, like in ancient Egypt, and hand pregnancies were no doubt much prized as a way to keep the genetic line pure. What are those people to do now?

Posted by: MTF at May 26, 2015 07:08 PM (DwZvw)

217 To me it does since I'm not a fucking inbred arab. Either that or my copy of the koran wrong.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:08 PM (UnJ7w)

218 only a limited number of Islamic interpretations categorize masturbation as haram, while most of others call it a makruh (disliked) act

In one of those links some do say that you can beat off if NOT beating off might result in a greater sin. Haram means "don't" and makruh means "haram unless if there is a very good reason" (basically).

So if you're just beating off 'cause you're bored, your hand is going to rat you out before Allah on the last day.

Posted by: boulder terlit hobo at May 26, 2015 07:08 PM (AVEe1)

219 What about feet? He didn't say anything about feet!


Uh asking for a friend...

Posted by: freaked at May 26, 2015 07:08 PM (JdEZJ)

220 So Osama's pron stash was for research purposes only?

Posted by: Y-not on the phone at May 26, 2015 07:08 PM (w2xGx)

221 Sheik Albout Al-Wankar of the Onan Province, is taking a hands-on approach to choking off this fatwa, which would only strengthen the grip of the oil-rich Mullahs.

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 26, 2015 07:08 PM (2cS/G)

222 So what's the upside to being a Muslim?

Besides being able to blame everything on everybody else.

Posted by: Hepcat at May 26, 2015 07:08 PM (IeR2g)

223 Don't risk a pregnant hand for all eternity, get a previously enjoyed 10 year old Nigerian girl that fits you budget. They do the fapping so you don't have to.

Posted by: Boko Haram used sex-slave salesman at May 26, 2015 07:08 PM (tgnRB)

224 I saw the hand babies open for the jiz kids at Ozzfest 05

Posted by: Father O'Shaughnessy at May 26, 2015 07:08 PM (XYKz+)

225 And if you fap and do "jazz hands" simultaneously, the result is Liza Minelli.

Posted by: zombie at May 26, 2015 07:09 PM (jBuUi)

226 because it will leave their hands pregnant in the afterlife.

Religion of PScience!

Posted by: NASA at May 26, 2015 07:09 PM (FcR7P)

227 Juvenile humor could solve the world's problems.
Posted by: dogfish at May 26, 2015 07:05 PM (jWtyG)

Would the Nobel committee award the peace prize en masse to the Moron Horde?

"Accepting the award on behalf of the horde, Mr. Ace of Spades..."

*wild applause, hoots*

Posted by: RushBabe at May 26, 2015 07:09 PM (zdw2Z)

228 Btw, the koran doesn't say any of this shit. It's the hadith and the 1,500 year old customs of the inbred arabs.

No. But the Koran is really big on the killing the infidel stuff.

So that makes up for it, I guess...

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:09 PM (kff5f)

229 Arson Wells: well, the Qur'an can be interpreted in such a way, in this case. So there it's partly hadith, but mostly tafsir.

Posted by: boulder terlit hobo at May 26, 2015 07:09 PM (AVEe1)

230 But Mormon underwear is teh funneh! - says the MSM

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at May 26, 2015 07:10 PM (zRby/)

231 What about feet? He didn't say anything about feet!


Uh asking for a friend...
Posted by: freaked at May 26, 2015 07:08 PM (JdEZJ)

Thanks

Posted by: Coach Ryan at May 26, 2015 07:10 PM (rDqRv)

232 Hah! The same people telling me this cleric is a fucking lunatic are the same people telling me we can set up a parliamentary democracy in his country with the expectation that it will work.

Posted by: Fritz at May 26, 2015 07:11 PM (ty633)

233 Should I be concerned that sunset is supposed to be after 8 PM (CDT) and it already looks like night time outside?

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:11 PM (kff5f)

234 A serious question -- What is the muzzies version of Hell like? Do they even have a Hell, or is it just life on Earth?

Cuz I'm leaning towards it being the latter. No wonder they have a waiting list for suicide bombers in ISIS, with complaints that certain nationalities are getting the primo bomb slots.

Posted by: GnuBreed at May 26, 2015 07:11 PM (bo7G7)

235 Or various types of melons with small holes cut into them.\


Infidel whores.

Posted by: Habib the Faithful at May 26, 2015 07:11 PM (XVOlz)

236 So, does this mean they have a lot of face-pregnancies in Japan?

Posted by: zombie at May 26, 2015 07:11 PM (jBuUi)

237 Onan the Berber-ian.

Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:12 PM (NeFrd)

238 SO

Posted by: Nevergiveup at May 26, 2015 07:12 PM (rDqRv)

239 So that makes up for it, I guess...
Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:09 PM (kff5f)

The infidels it refers to were the 1,500 year old pagans in what is now saudi arabia. But then again inbred goat fuckers get to say what infidels are.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:12 PM (UnJ7w)

240 Oh damn! how the hell am I going to take care of all those babies when I'm blind..

Posted by: Some Arab/American kid at May 26, 2015 07:12 PM (XYKz+)

241 Posted by: boulder terlit hobo at May 26, 2015 07:08 PM (AVEe1)

hmmmm

You seem to know WAAAAYYYYY too much about this sort of shit.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at May 26, 2015 07:12 PM (zRby/)

242 What if I draw a picture of Mohammed jerking off while reading the Satanic Verses?

Posted by: Pam Geller, Daredevil at May 26, 2015 07:12 PM (ppaKI)

243 So, does this mean they have a lot of face-pregnancies in Japan?
Posted by: zombie at May 26, 2015 07:11 PM (jBuUi)


hum? I'm going there in July, so could you amplify on that a tad?

Posted by: Nevergiveup at May 26, 2015 07:13 PM (rDqRv)

244 What is the muzzies version of Hell like?

Google it.

It's pretty much "Hellraiser" except by someone really misanthropic. You wouldn't like it there.

Posted by: boulder terlit hobo at May 26, 2015 07:13 PM (AVEe1)

245 Where is Masturbatin Pete he'd tell that Imam what to do with his hand.

Posted by: Chavez the Hugo at May 26, 2015 07:13 PM (ucDmr)

246 If spraining your wrist is considered a "Fertility Issue",...you might be a Jihadi!!!

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 26, 2015 07:13 PM (2cS/G)

247 Hepcat: "So what's the upside to being a Muslim?"

Cheap sand?

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at May 26, 2015 07:13 PM (1CroS)

248 Not to totally give it away but check out the last firefight in The Reaper.

Posted by: skip at May 26, 2015 07:13 PM (53bDg)

249 Let he has a free hand cast the first stone.

Posted by: Boss Moss at May 26, 2015 07:14 PM (QRBvR)

250 Anagram for Muslim Cleric Mucahid Cihad Han:

A Hand Mad Chichi

Posted by: Hepcat at May 26, 2015 07:14 PM (IeR2g)

251 So, as long as there is a goat in between your hands and your woody you'll be cool??

Posted by: Killerdog at May 26, 2015 07:14 PM (vntmB)

252 The infidels it refers to were the 1,500 year old pagans in what is now saudi arabia. But then again inbred goat fuckers get to say what infidels are.

Wow. And Methuselah only lived to 969. 1500, huh? Pretty impressive.

More seriously- it was anyone who disagreed with his con-job of a "religion." He needed some cred, so he tried to steal it from the Jews and Christians with that whole "people of the book" nonsense, but *everyone* who wasn't Mohammedan was subject (eventually) to conversion by the sword.

So... that kind of still applies.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:15 PM (kff5f)

253 Islamic version of hell has lots of fire and misery, but then again an isis sadie hawkins dance is much the same.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:15 PM (UnJ7w)

254 NGU

Just read your post about the Marines banning the Bible verses on the desk of that sergeant.

Good to know that we are on top of our religious Cold War.

Funny, I haven't heard any cases of the same punishment issued over verses from the Koran.

Posted by: some random meathead - future South American?? at May 26, 2015 07:15 PM (XVOlz)

255 On the floor of Tokyo
Or down in London town to go, go
With the record selection
And the mirror's reflection
I'm dancing with myself

When there's no-one else in sight
In the crowded lonely night
Well I wait so long
For my love vibration
And I'm dancing with myself

Oh dancing with myself
Oh dancing with myself
Well there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove
I'll be dancing with myself

Posted by: Billy Idul-Rahman at May 26, 2015 07:16 PM (ppaKI)

256 Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:11 PM (kff5f)

Got a cellar?

Posted by: Golfman at May 26, 2015 07:16 PM (48QDY)

257 Commonly this is mistakenly translated as hands as soft as a babies skin, to infidels great and eternal anguish.

Posted by: Dave S. at May 26, 2015 07:16 PM (mhkbv)

258 The infidels it refers to were the 1,500 year old
pagans in what is now saudi arabia. But then again inbred goat fuckers
get to say what infidels are.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:12 PM (UnJ7w)


If those pagans were 1500 years old, they must have been doing something right.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at May 26, 2015 07:16 PM (mtmZ0)

259 244
What is the muzzies version of Hell like?


72 beautiful virgins

only ruined orgasms

Posted by: Stateless Infidel at May 26, 2015 07:16 PM (AC0lD)

260 The severe weather warning siren just went off. Must be for that storm that came through about 15 minutes ago.

Posted by: bergerbilder at May 26, 2015 07:16 PM (+jijM)

261 Huh whats that you say?

Posted by: conan's masterbatin Bear at May 26, 2015 07:16 PM (XYKz+)

262 If one of these dudes has a pregnant hand how can they be sure who the father is?

Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:16 PM (NeFrd)

263 So... that kind of still applies.
Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:15 PM (kff5f)

My bad the pagan's that were alive in saudi arabia 1,500 years ago.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:17 PM (UnJ7w)

264 48 And yet the left calls conservatives; science deniers.
Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at May 26, 2015 06:44 PM (zRby/)

For real. This is the kind of guy nasa is reaching out to. For science.

Also 'turban legends' has me rolling! Hee.

Posted by: Lea at May 26, 2015 07:17 PM (vmMMi)

265 Islam apologist TOTALLY bummed. Be last? Fap? Be last? Fap?

Posted by: dogfish at May 26, 2015 07:17 PM (jWtyG)

266 Embraceable Ewe! That's not a fatwa, that's a chubwa...

Posted by: Colonel Haiku at May 26, 2015 07:17 PM (Y8JQ4)

267 Make the korans pregnant in the next life.

Posted by: Boss Moss at May 26, 2015 07:18 PM (QRBvR)

268 Funny, I haven't heard any cases of the same punishment issued over verses from the Koran.
Posted by: some random meathead - future South American?? at May 26, 2015 07:15 PM (XVOlz)

I bet the Horde could get creative with some Quran verses left on their desk.

Posted by: Golfman at May 26, 2015 07:18 PM (48QDY)

269 Islam: Where it's all about her orgasm....

Posted by: Stateless Infidel at May 26, 2015 07:18 PM (AC0lD)

270 Posted by: Golfman at May 26, 2015 07:16 PM (48QDY)

Sorry, no.

Wish I did, though. You wanna come help me build one?

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:18 PM (kff5f)

271 If you masturbate without your hand's consent does it get interviewed by Rolling Stone and then wear a small throw pillow until graduation?

Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:19 PM (NeFrd)

272 Wait until the Islam apologist realize about corn holing your neighbor. Hilarity.

Posted by: dogfish at May 26, 2015 07:19 PM (jWtyG)

273 If you go swimming in kuffar's blood thirty minutes after eating your will get cramps and drown.

Posted by: turban legends at May 26, 2015 07:19 PM (uctT+)

274 My left hand is fine. My right hand is expecting triplets.

Posted by: Dave S. at May 26, 2015 07:19 PM (mhkbv)

275
Juvenile humor could solve the world's problems.
Posted by: dogfish at May 26, 2015 07:05 PM (jWtyG)

Would the Nobel committee award the peace prize en masse to the Moron Horde?

"Accepting the award on behalf of the horde, Mr. Ace of Spades..."

*wild applause, hoots*

Posted by: RushBabe at May 26, 2015 07:09 PM (zdw2Z)







I can't see the fuckin' Ewok behind the podium.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at May 26, 2015 07:20 PM (ynQIy)

276 You seem to know WAAAAYYYYY too much about this sort of shit.

Been single too long.

Posted by: boulder terlit hobo at May 26, 2015 07:20 PM (AVEe1)

277 "Pregnant Hands"?!!

I told everybody I broke a bone in my hand!

Posted by: kbdabear at May 26, 2015 07:20 PM (GrXXa)

278 So anytime I want some eggs I should just shake my hand over a pot?

Posted by: Truck Monkey is a Mime..... Serious at May 26, 2015 07:20 PM (fLKzW)

279 Which hand does Bill Clinton hold his cigar in?

Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:20 PM (NeFrd)

280 I used birth control, pinky-swear!

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 26, 2015 07:20 PM (2cS/G)

281 Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:18 PM (kff5f)

Sounds like if you did, it might be full of water right about now.

Posted by: Golfman at May 26, 2015 07:20 PM (48QDY)

282 We shouldn't take off-hand comments seriously.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at May 26, 2015 07:20 PM (F2IAQ)

283 Been single too long.

Posted by: boulder terlit hobo at May 26, 2015 07:20 PM (AVEe1)


Goats starting to look attractive?

Just remember: "Baaaaaaa!" means "No!"

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:21 PM (kff5f)

284 hand babies? We Catholics call them Cherubs

Posted by: Father O'shaughnessy at May 26, 2015 07:21 PM (XYKz+)

285 Love this post. Ace is comedic gold.

Posted by: Seems Legit at May 26, 2015 07:21 PM (A98Xu)

286 I'm cool because my left hand had a hysterectomy and it lost 10 ounces so far.

Posted by: Jukin, Former Republican at May 26, 2015 07:21 PM (TV9BR)

287 Sounds like if you did, it might be full of water right about now.

Posted by: Golfman at May 26, 2015 07:20 PM (48QDY)


True.

But I have floaties, so you'd be okay.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:21 PM (kff5f)

288 This one time at Ululation Camp ...

Posted by: turban legends at May 26, 2015 07:22 PM (uctT+)

289 Anyway, your hand might be okay as long as you never accidentally got spooge on it.

And if you have to rub one out before that big job interview, try to wash your hands thoroughly afterward. You don't want to pass on your hand baby to your future boss. That would be awkward.

Posted by: boulder terlit hobo at May 26, 2015 07:22 PM (AVEe1)

290 If the glove don't fit, eggcetera, eggcetera annnnd eggcetera.

Posted by: teej at May 26, 2015 07:22 PM (qyZxC)

291 Achmed had a handsome baby.

Posted by: Muhammad's mama at May 26, 2015 07:22 PM (JdEZJ)

292 Definition of a competitive jihadi: Guy who finishes first and third in a circle jerk.

Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:22 PM (NeFrd)

293 "The Stranger" numb hand bit would therefore be hand rape.

Posted by: BananaDream at May 26, 2015 07:22 PM (vLk7c)

294 Temporary hand marriages?

Posted by: Boss Moss at May 26, 2015 07:23 PM (QRBvR)

295 As for our Cousin Faisal, it's the same old story. Born of a calloused knuckle....

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 26, 2015 07:23 PM (2cS/G)

296 Is that cleric's headgear supposed to look like a glans penis?

Posted by: Mindy at May 26, 2015 07:23 PM (WS8WT)

297 203 has Barry bowed to this cleric yet ?

Posted by: some random meathead - future South American?? at May 26, 2015 07:05 PM (XVOlz)

-----

HA!

Posted by: Seems Legit at May 26, 2015 07:24 PM (A98Xu)

298 I got to hand it to you guys, you didn't let this thread go to waste.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:24 PM (UnJ7w)

299
Definition of a competitive jihadi: Guy who finishes first and third in a circle jerk.

An overachiever.

Posted by: Soothsayer at May 26, 2015 07:24 PM (SyIL9)

300 Definition of a competitive jihadi: Guy who finishes first and third in a circle jerk.
Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:22 PM (NeFrd)
********
Slacker

Posted by: Achmed Finished 1st and 2nd at May 26, 2015 07:24 PM (fLKzW)

301 Should I be concerned that sunset is supposed to be after 8 PM (CDT) and it already looks like night time outside?
Posted by: AllenG

No whining. I just got back from the Houston floodfest. Only showed 3.5 in the rain gauge here at home.

Posted by: dogfish at May 26, 2015 07:24 PM (jWtyG)

302 Who wants to be "Lucky Achmed?"

Posted by: Jukin, Former Republican at May 26, 2015 07:24 PM (TV9BR)

303 What is the correct way to greet jihadis on a commercial airliner?


"Hi, jackers!"

Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:24 PM (NeFrd)

304 I can't see the fuckin' Ewok behind the podium.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at May 26, 2015 07:20 PM (ynQIy

He'd send Gabe.

http://bit.ly/1et6frF

Classic if you e never seen it.

Posted by: Golfman at May 26, 2015 07:24 PM (48QDY)

305 This explains sasha and malayia.

**rimshot**

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:25 PM (UnJ7w)

306 Posted by: dogfish at May 26, 2015 07:24 PM (jWtyG)

Oh, I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering if I should be concerned since I'm still stuck at work. I'm not sure how... interesting... my commute home will be.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:25 PM (kff5f)

307 Franchises available!

Posted by: Achmed's Latex Glove Dispensors at May 26, 2015 07:25 PM (F2IAQ)

308 He bop, she bop, a we bop
I bop, you bop, a they bop
be bop, be bop a lu, she bop

Posted by: Cyndi al Lauper at May 26, 2015 07:26 PM (tgnRB)

309 Always remember what your imam told you about masturbation...

Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:26 PM (NeFrd)

310 Annnddd I just saw the new Brut commercial. What timing.

Posted by: bebe's boobs destroy at May 26, 2015 07:26 PM (9Bl5d)

311 well done, sir.

Posted by: emily post at May 26, 2015 07:26 PM (CrYC8)

312 What if I want a hand baby or two. But two max.

Posted by: Jukin, Former Republican at May 26, 2015 07:27 PM (TV9BR)

313 Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Posted by: ghosts that watch you fap at May 26, 2015 07:27 PM (dkfG0)

314 Can you imagine these stupid fuckers blowing themselves up just for the promise of 72 virgin hands?! And why the fuck would I want to die with virgin hands and become part of that welcoming committee?

Posted by: t-bird at May 26, 2015 07:27 PM (FcR7P)

315 lol

Posted by: emily post at May 26, 2015 07:27 PM (CrYC8)

316 What if you shake your hand around a lot , you know, after?



Hypothetically speaking.

Posted by: Habib the Faithful at May 26, 2015 07:27 PM (XVOlz)

317 hand babies? We Catholics call them Cherubs

That's not what I call them.

Posted by: Hairy Reed at May 26, 2015 07:27 PM (8ZskC)

318 So is aborting a hand baby murder or is it a hands choice?

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:27 PM (UnJ7w)

319 I cannot believe it took this long for there to be a post about this.

Posted by: alexthechick - Ragebunny now with MAGIC Jazz Hands at May 26, 2015 07:28 PM (IrByp)

320 Before all the bigots get started, I just want to say that some people are born ambidextrous, it's genetic!

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 26, 2015 07:28 PM (2cS/G)

321 o/t

Vox Media To Acquire Tech Website Re/code
Vox Media said it is acquiring Revere Digital, parent company of the technology news website and conference business Re/code.

Re/code will continue as its own entity under the Vox Media umbrella, which encompasses seven other news verticals that focus on areas such as political news, sports, fashion, food and real estate.

The companies didn't disclose terms of the deal. A person familiar with the situation said it was an all-stock transaction.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 26, 2015 07:28 PM (zqrZE)

322 Posted by: Hairy Reed at May 26, 2015 07:27 PM (8ZskC)

Hey! You! *hic*

Posted by: Larry Reid, with an elastic band at May 26, 2015 07:28 PM (AkOaV)

323 The White House reacted to the news that the Fifth Circuit court of appeals denied an appeal from the Obama administration to lift a stay on his executive amnesty plan, accusing two judges in the decision of interpreting the law incorrectly.

Today, two judges of the Fifth Circuit chose to misinterpret the facts and the law in denying the governments request for a stay, White House spokesperson Brandi Hoffine said in a statement to Breitbart News.

Breitbart

Arrogant bastards.

Posted by: Nevergiveup at May 26, 2015 07:29 PM (rDqRv)

324 My right hand identifies as southpaw, is it normal?

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:29 PM (UnJ7w)

325 If you need both hands to service yourself, which one gets pregnant, the lead or the trail?

Asking for me.

Posted by: Jukin, Former Republican at May 26, 2015 07:29 PM (TV9BR)

326 a "nervous goat" ... still lolling.

(and such a cute goat.)

Posted by: emily post at May 26, 2015 07:29 PM (CrYC8)

327 Central time here and very light out, for a change, Allen.

Posted by: teej at May 26, 2015 07:29 PM (qyZxC)

328 We had to send little Mu to Hand Parenthood.

Posted by: Muhammad's mama at May 26, 2015 07:29 PM (JdEZJ)

329 "The sad part is, he probably does have like a dozen early teen girls in his harem."

And simple math says that some of them have all the women and the rest of them have no women. Then you fatwa wanking and tell them the only way to get women is to go out in a suicide mission.

I think Neanderthal man had a better society.

Posted by: Decaf at May 26, 2015 07:29 PM (WRUUb)

330 Let's see : right hand wipe,left hand wife...or is that backwards?

Posted by: Habib the Faithful at May 26, 2015 07:30 PM (XVOlz)

331 This muslim cleric better get a grip before he ends up having a stroke!

Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:30 PM (NeFrd)

332 My hands are now gender neutral. Don't judge me!!!

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:30 PM (UnJ7w)

333 The companies didn't disclose terms of the deal. A person familiar with the situation said it was an all-stock transaction.

Posted by: artisanal 'ette at May 26, 2015 07:28 PM (zqrZE)


So Bruce Jenner wasn't involved?

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at May 26, 2015 07:30 PM (mtmZ0)

334 331 This muslim cleric better get a grip before he ends up having a stroke!
Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:30 PM (NeFrd)

THREAD WINNER^^^^^^^^^

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:30 PM (UnJ7w)

335
OT Feel-good story of the day:

Self-Driving Car Tries To Kill Journalists

http://tinyurl.com/ohun8bd

Watch the video for laughs.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at May 26, 2015 07:31 PM (ynQIy)

336 lol, still.

Posted by: emily post at May 26, 2015 07:31 PM (CrYC8)

337 I guess if your hand get's pregnant, and you have an abortion, you ain't going to be playing no violin?

Posted by: Nevergiveup at May 26, 2015 07:31 PM (rDqRv)

338 What if you have Feminist hands? Is making them Jack you some sort of Hate Crime?

Posted by: Truck Monkey is a Mime..... Serious at May 26, 2015 07:31 PM (fLKzW)

339 Should I be concerned that sunset is supposed to be after 8 PM (CDT) and it already looks like night time outside?


Dont be such a whining freaking crybaby. Sack up!

Posted by: Shep Smith, Action News Center at May 26, 2015 07:32 PM (JO9+V)

340 Sadly, there's evidence of third-trimester manicures throughout ISIS controlled areas.

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 26, 2015 07:32 PM (2cS/G)

341 Give whole new meaning to the term 'manual labor'.

Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:33 PM (NeFrd)

342 What if the kid isn't mine?




Posted by: Habib the Faithful at May 26, 2015 07:33 PM (XVOlz)

343 Central time here and very light out, for a change, Allen.

Posted by: teej at May 26, 2015 07:29 PM (qyZxC)


Finally got to check a weather map, looks like nothing too severe in DFW at the moment, but there's a bigmotherf*cking storm out west. Looks like it's headed this way, too.

Joy.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:33 PM (kff5f)

344 The imam probably had a nightmare about baseball mitts.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at May 26, 2015 07:33 PM (mtmZ0)

345 Serious question here. What if you switch hands during the act? Now I know that makes for a sticky mouse but which hand gets preggers?

Posted by: Jukin, Former Republican at May 26, 2015 07:33 PM (TV9BR)

346 Hearing thunder Allen. It's baaacck.

Posted by: dogfish at May 26, 2015 07:34 PM (jWtyG)

347 Report: Fleshlight Sales Increase 150%, Boosted By Robust Sales in Previously Untapped Middle Eastern Market

Posted by: Dave S. at May 26, 2015 07:34 PM (mhkbv)

348 You should see what I find in the boy's robes. You never know what they are doing under there.

Posted by: Muhammad's mama at May 26, 2015 07:34 PM (JdEZJ)

349 It's awkward when you're at work & your hand babies shit themselves. Makes an awful mess.

Posted by: Landofskybluewater at May 26, 2015 07:35 PM (g4fDs)

350 Tow kinds of men in this world, well hetero men, those that like latex gloves on their hands and those that prefer a fielder's mit.

Posted by: Jukin, Former Republican at May 26, 2015 07:35 PM (TV9BR)

351 Alright... I guess it's time to head home and hope I can miss the worst of the storms.

Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:36 PM (kff5f)

352 Joy.
Posted by: AllenG (DedicatedTenther) - Not dead yet at May 26, 2015 07:33 PM (kff5f)

Drove back to west Texas from the Woodlands yesterday and cut through Waco to bypass DFW. How bad was it up there?

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:36 PM (UnJ7w)

353 So if I eat with one hand and wipe with the other,...looks like I'm gonna need a third hand.

Posted by: Fritz at May 26, 2015 07:36 PM (ty633)

354 Nail Trim = Circumcision?

And Mohel, Plastibell, or Gomco?

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at May 26, 2015 07:37 PM (y/p2Y)

355 If the glove don't fit...

Posted by: Zombie Johnny Cochran - Just One Call for Paternity in Eternity at May 26, 2015 07:37 PM (XVOlz)

356 What does the Imam think of my Lee Press On Nails, fashionable or eternal damnation?

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:38 PM (UnJ7w)

357 Oh, my. This advice could come in handy.

Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:38 PM (NeFrd)

358 So if I eat with one hand and wipe with the other,...looks like I'm gonna need a third hand.
Posted by: Fritz at May 26, 2015 07:36 PM (ty633)
***********
We're on it

Posted by: Inbred Palestinian Children at May 26, 2015 07:38 PM (fLKzW)

359 This thread is so much better than anything on comedy central.

Posted by: Jukin, Former Republican at May 26, 2015 07:38 PM (TV9BR)

360 Never thumb wrestle within the clan, all I'm saying.

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 26, 2015 07:38 PM (2cS/G)

361 305 This explains sasha and malayia. 
----------------------------
SO uncalled for and inappropriate.
Leave the kids out of the stupid jokes.

Posted by: chi's sandwIch (previously shredded chi) at May 26, 2015 07:38 PM (XJD3+)

362 I got nothing.

Posted by: Nip Sip at May 26, 2015 07:38 PM (0FSuD)

363 Aspiring young muslims finally coming into their own.

Posted by: Muldoon, a solid man at May 26, 2015 07:39 PM (NeFrd)

364 harf! harf! harf!

Posted by: Corgis at May 26, 2015 07:39 PM (dkfG0)

365 Leave the kids out of the stupid jokes.
Posted by: chi's sandwIch (previously shredded chi) at May 26, 2015 07:38 PM (XJD3+)

Fuck you.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:39 PM (UnJ7w)

366 Arson,

No, fuck you.

Posted by: SMFH at it all at May 26, 2015 07:40 PM (OsWis)

367 Heed the Fapwa!
Heed the Fapwa!

Posted by: Dr Gorgonzola at May 26, 2015 07:40 PM (H4y6S)

368 Do you know the technique of cutting off circulation to your arm before doing the deed? That way your hand won't know what it's doing - and it can't bear witness against you on the Day of Qiyama!

- helpful hints for the anxious believer

Posted by: boulder terlit hobo's advice column at May 26, 2015 07:40 PM (AVEe1)

369
In all seriousness. This isn't true is it? There really are no hand babies right?

Posted by: freaked at May 26, 2015 07:40 PM (JdEZJ)

370 Do I get tax deductions on these?

Posted by: Dave S. at May 26, 2015 07:41 PM (BrxNJ)

371 No, fuck you.
Posted by: SMFH at it all at May 26, 2015 07:40 PM (OsWis)

Noted.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:41 PM (UnJ7w)

372 You can't take a step in this house without tripping all over hand babies!

Posted by: Parents of a middle school boy at May 26, 2015 07:41 PM (g4fDs)

373 No Abdul, my hands swell from allergies!!

Posted by: Achmed the Fapping Terrorist at May 26, 2015 07:41 PM (GrXXa)

374 Landofskybluewater

I hear drums and see a dancing bear.
Flashback?

Posted by: teej at May 26, 2015 07:41 PM (qyZxC)

375 The handbabies are real, so very real...aaaarrggghh...!!

Posted by: Lincolntf at May 26, 2015 07:42 PM (2cS/G)

376 To my shame I have had 1,456,980 hand babies. That I know of.

Posted by: Jukin, Former Republican at May 26, 2015 07:42 PM (TV9BR)

377 Look, Arson - you've shown your intellectual superiority, so I won't reply.
Your "fuck you" wins on all counts. Including class.

*" I insulted the Presidents children! I'm fucking cool!"

Posted by: chi's sandwIch (previously shredded chi) at May 26, 2015 07:43 PM (XJD3+)

378 >>Finally got to check a weather map, looks like nothing too severe in DFW at the moment, but there's a bigmotherf*cking storm out west. Looks like it's headed this way, too.

I hope we don't get it in ar after you. We got a couple baby tornados last night but I don't think much damage. It's actually pretty today somehow.

Posted by: Lea at May 26, 2015 07:45 PM (vmMMi)

379 It's ok to insult a major religion but don't tell a tasteless joke about captain kickass' kids. Sorry if I offended any of the Morons, at least I know what the line is now.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:46 PM (UnJ7w)

380 I used to joke about the cuts on my hands and fingers "Oh, that? I just cut myself shaving." Praise be to Allah, I now have to come up with a different line. Gotta admit, I kinda like the Turkish spelling of masturbation.

"Laurence,
Laurence of Arabia
He's an English guy
He whacks off like the Turkish..."

Posted by: Bill H at May 26, 2015 07:47 PM (Baojj)

381 I apologize to you too Chi. Sorry.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:47 PM (UnJ7w)

382 It's ok to insult a major religion but don't tell a tasteless joke about captain kickass' kids. Sorry if I offended any of the Morons, at least I know what the line is now.
Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:46 PM (UnJ7w)


Ah don't take it personally. We just think we're better than letterman and democrats.

Posted by: Nevergiveup at May 26, 2015 07:47 PM (rDqRv)

383 I feel disappointed that Hadji the Muslim Comic hasn't hit this fat pitch over the wall

Posted by: kbdabear at May 26, 2015 07:48 PM (GrXXa)

384 In paradise, half the hand babies look a lot like Kate Upton.

Posted by: Dave S. at May 26, 2015 07:50 PM (BrxNJ)

385 Reminds me of that old poster "Every time you masturbate God kills a kitten." A retired submarine machinist mate master chief I knew said "Hell, I guess that makes me an animal control officer."

Posted by: Butch at May 26, 2015 07:50 PM (HLx1C)

386 So to boil it down...An Islamic scholar has declared that in their religion, its more acceptable to engage in bestiality than fapping...How they can "come" to that logic is beyond any earthly reason...
Perverted, backwards & evil is no way to go through life...

Posted by: Tony253 at May 26, 2015 07:52 PM (3yMFT)

387 There are a few lines around here. Others can explain them better than I.
I would hope that picking on kids is over the line everywhere.
And Mohammedism isn't a major religion, it's a death cult. Check the style guide.

Posted by: teej at May 26, 2015 07:52 PM (qyZxC)

388
Do yOu remember BIlly Squire and I GOT THE BIG BEAT?

Posted by: IllTemperedPlover at May 26, 2015 07:52 PM (ynQIy)

389 If you're one of those Muslims w four wives then Noprob. Everybody else has to elevate nocturnal emissions on their list of shit to pray about.

Posted by: Pendejo at May 26, 2015 07:52 PM (4LIZj)

390 Now I have to worry about a fatwa on my Compliance Pics

Posted by: kbdabear at May 26, 2015 07:53 PM (GrXXa)

391 Thanks for the apology, Arson. Seriously.

Moral Equivalence doesn't fly with me. Six year olds learn not to justify bad behavior by pointing to other bad behavior.

islam not not a "major religion" - it's a death cult. It and Obama should be mocked & derided at every turn.

And yes we ARE better than the left. Or we're supposed to be, anyway...

Posted by: chi's sandwIch (previously shredded chi) at May 26, 2015 07:53 PM (XJD3+)

392
Shit.

Posted by: chi's sandwIch (previously shredded chi) at May 26, 2015 07:54 PM (XJD3+)

393 Oh my

Posted by: freaked at May 26, 2015 07:54 PM (JdEZJ)

394 Apology accepted on my part.

And +1 on the "better than the democrats" line.
Well. Put.

Posted by: teej at May 26, 2015 07:55 PM (qyZxC)

395 And Mohammedism isn't a major religion, it's a death cult. Check the style guide.
Posted by: teej at May 26, 2015 07:52 PM (qyZxC)

Does this rule apply to children of the adherents of Mohammedism? Just kidding!!!

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:56 PM (UnJ7w)

396 Whew!
Teetering on the edge of the barrel, there

Posted by: chi's sandwIch (previously shredded chi) at May 26, 2015 07:56 PM (XJD3+)

397 Adults who deserve it are mockworthy. Innocent children are not.

Posted by: freaked at May 26, 2015 07:58 PM (JdEZJ)

398 Well chi, adequate minds and all that.

Posted by: teej at May 26, 2015 07:58 PM (qyZxC)

399

So ... this baby-faced televangelist Janissary has issued a fatwa against slinging the salami ...

It's a ratings jihad against "Bay Watch", starring Palmala Handerson, the most widely-watched TV show in the region.

Posted by: Arbalest at May 26, 2015 07:58 PM (FlRtG)

400 I love you morons. Seriously, the kid joke i just typed without a second thought. Btw i am a muslim and i approve this thread.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 07:58 PM (UnJ7w)

401 The First Daughters...

Types.

Deletes.

*Staying behind the line.

Posted by: Golfman at May 26, 2015 08:00 PM (48QDY)

402 I'll see you morons on the late thread. See ya later.

Posted by: Arson Wells at May 26, 2015 08:00 PM (UnJ7w)

403 I'm a Muslim too. Now you all know.


No I'm not. I'm not gay yet either.

Posted by: freaked at May 26, 2015 08:00 PM (JdEZJ)

404
OMG, I just realized my hands are barren!

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at May 26, 2015 08:01 PM (ODxAs)

405 OMG, I just realized my hands are barren!
Posted by: Guy Mohawk at May 26, 2015 08:01 PM (ODxAs)

Here's hoping you're not in the afterlife, yet.

Posted by: Golfman at May 26, 2015 08:03 PM (48QDY)

406 Gotta git.
Leofb

Posted by: teej at May 26, 2015 08:05 PM (qyZxC)

407 Easy for him to refrain from jerking off when there are goats everywhere in the muslim world.

Posted by: Worc1 at May 26, 2015 08:08 PM (5x+vK)

408 Here's the scene.

The chick-fil-a road sign with a pair of goats instead. The body of the sign says -- "Use more hand lotion".

Posted by: drdog09 at May 26, 2015 08:11 PM (RHBWt)

409 Masturbation? What is it?

Posted by: Afroman at May 26, 2015 08:16 PM (nPqPF)

410 If the Turks were like us Americans, they would amend the Clash's song:

The Shareef don't like it?
F**k the Fapwah! F**k the Fapwah !
The Shareef don't like it?
F**k the Fapwah! F**k the Fapwah !

Posted by: Zombie Casey Kasem at May 26, 2015 08:29 PM (FkgZk)

411 Whatever. I'm gonna go rub one out.

Posted by: Kindofa Dick (@DicksTrash) at May 26, 2015 08:39 PM (q20+R)

412 So islam is against:

Jews
Christians
Women
Puppies
Music
Alcohol
Art
Bacon
Adoption
Investment (lending money for gain)

and now - orgasms.

That only leaves weekends and ice cream.

That leaves

Posted by: Jade Sea at May 26, 2015 09:14 PM (ly9ab)

413 So islam is against:

Jews
Christians
Women
Puppies
Music
Alcohol
Art
Bacon
Adoption
Investment (lending money for gain)

and now - orgasms.

That only leaves weekends and ice cream.

That leaves

Posted by: Jade Sea at May 26, 2015 09:14 PM (ly9ab)

414 I am gonna have so many hand babies.

Posted by: Elliott at May 26, 2015 09:59 PM (rjk70)

415 Mormon holy non-holey underwear makes more sense. Almost.

Posted by: Hairy Knuckles at May 26, 2015 10:29 PM (6g/Y7)

416 Why is it that the mere mention of "pregnant hands" invokes the image of OFA propaganda minister Jim Messina?

And damn... those Messina happy hands are busy ones. Just keep them away from the children.

Posted by: Multitude at May 26, 2015 11:55 PM (B4WQN)

417 It's well known that Mohammed was not a wanker. He preferred camels.

Posted by: Comanche Voter at May 27, 2015 12:00 AM (Sda6L)

418 You can laugh all you want, until you have to have a Cesarean.

Posted by: franksalterego at May 27, 2015 07:07 AM (Fh+WR)

419 test

Posted by: Cathy Griffin at May 30, 2015 12:49 PM (P330y)

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