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Life is Beautiful, Part II: Poop, Sweat, and Tears

So here is the "end of the beginning", in all of its visceral detail. My wife would like to thank the morons and ettes, particularly Brent and Carol, who organized an online baby shower for her and Jameson. Your outpouring of support and encouragement has been a blessing during a rewarding, but very trying, pregnancy.

A little over nine months ago, my wife and I did what tens of billions of homo sapiens have done over eleven thousand generations: recombined our DNA; and like 99.99999% of that mass of humanity we certainly weren't thinking about it in that way at the time.

I wrote about the roller coaster that followed right here at Ace's place, and as the months, weeks and days counted down, we felt totally prepared for what would come next.

What follows is a tale of poop, sweat and tears.

False Start, Offense, 24 Hour Penalty

So on All Stoners' Eve, the beginning of the end was at hand. I'll spare you the really gory details except that if your wife asks you to "check this out I think I started", don't respond with a "whoa that's cool". That isn't the right answer. Also, don't assume that this is the nastiest it will get.

After a quick call to her OB/GYN, we went to the hospital, following all of the procedures we learned on the tour. Filled out all of our forms (all 316 of them), checked into the triage area, and we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

After a painful cervical check for her, a hand squeezed blue for me, and a “come back if this list of symptoms present” later, we were back on the road at 2am.

A good thing, in retrospect: if our kid was born on 4/20 our friends would have never let that slide.

My wife, who up to this point had been handling her pregnancy like a champ, huffed, "we aren't coming back here until he comes out."

As she tried to rest, the contractions started as I headed off for work.

What are you doing here?

Just over a day later, the contractions had finally grown close enough together to merit another call. Erinn's weekly doc visit was just an hour ahead of us when we begin arguing whether to go back to the hospital. We wanted to avoid another wasted trip, so we packed the car and drove over to her OB. "What are you doing here? You're water is about to break!" her annoyed doctor reacted during the exam. This was it. After few quick phone calls to family, we rushed to the hospital a second time.

This time we wouldn't be waiting for two hours, no sirree.

This time, it would be twelve.

The Bored Millennials

Oh the boredom. This is the thing nobody tells you about, because everyone focuses on the excitement and the action and the noise and the machines that go ping and the blood and the screaming. But much of the time you spend in the hospital, even after admittance, is spent watching local television and watching your wife have a stream of doctors and nurses poke prod and bother her. So, like most people bored and born after 1983, I went on Twitter.











My better half at first was annoyed, but grew to enjoy the distraction of hearing replies. Her annoyance with local stories (including a bathroom breast feeder) were great fodder for me and made the hours pass a little faster. It was a fun escape for both of us, until a decision we hadn't really planned for reared up.



David Cronenberg's “Birth”

We had planned for a vaginal birth. Discussed all the dirty work of it. The episiotomy. Which kind of painkilling option she would prefer. Reassurances the baby wouldn't “ruin her”. All the usual jazz. And in the end, the baby, consistent in his character throughout this 279-day ordeal, had other plans. The nurses and doctors monitoring her and him realized the medication she was receiving to speed up contractions was stressing the little dude out. Worse, his head was too damn big. So after over a day of labor she was given the option of waiting longer but risking further complications or going with the Cesarean. It took my wife all of five seconds to mouth the word, and it was on.

After hours of waiting, the next hour would be the most dramatic in our lives. The doctor, nurses, paperwork, gurneys, scrubs, blood, delirious smiles, everything and everyone rushed in so rapidly I only had a brief moment to think.

I was pacing, in scrubs, in the surgery hallway, waiting for the go ahead. It was the longest ten minutes of my life. Thoughts about my wife, my son, my job, the stay, what the hell I was doing at thirty, and then the show really began.

The wife was happily sedated below, awake above, and the smell of burning flesh and the sounds of her doctor working her magic left little to the imagination. I took one bit of advice from a friend and didn't watch the surgery itself.

A nurse prompted me to grab my camera, and that's when we saw him for the first time: pale, wrinkled, covered in slime, a miniature GG Allin. At our very beginning of outside lives, we all look, for lack of a better word, pretty gross. Birth is a beautiful and gory thing.

Like everything else in our modern world, he wasn't a breath away from the belly before he was weighed (7lbs 13 oz), measured (19.5”), and checked for all of the usual irregularities. While they were cleaning him up, I enjoyed a quiet moment with the wife. Her routine of enduring kicks, somersaults, burps, farts, and riverdance inches above her intestines has finally ended. She seemed quite relieved.

Cutting the cord was far cooler than I imagined. How could I describe it...have you seen The Thing? Not the crappy remake, the good one, with the blood test and Kurt Russell and Keith David and a pre-diabetes Brimley. When Norris transforms, and his head rips free into that crab creature? Those pus-filled tubes? THAT is what the cord was like. The goop and smell was more fitting for a xenomorph autopsy. Through all of the layers of goo and tissue and bodily things, I didn't lose sight of what was truly important: severing it with just one cut. I failed, unfortunately: it took two.

With the clean up and cutting and general data gathering over, I had a moment to hold my son for the first time. I won't waste bytes trying to describe that feeling because words fail. Frozen in the moment it took the nurse several shouts before I remembered to bring him over to my wife, so she could see who had been trashing her womb. Again, words fail.

AUTHORWIFEBABYTOGETHERPOSTOP.jpg

The Bureaucracy of Birth

Once out of the womb, the wife went off for cleanup and recovery as I followed my son into the evaluation area. See, they don't just run tests there in the operation room. They run them all over again in a separate area where you wash your hands for five minutes and stand around and try to entertain this little dude who has heard you drone on and on for months about something called Pennsylvania.

The nurses are quite busy: they have to get the vaccinations started, Vitamin K shots injected, stick protective goop on your kid's eyes, as well as complain about the lateness of other staff. Most of the delay was a paperwork issue. Further delays came from the fact that my wife shared a last name with another cesarean patient.

The bonding part, with all of this paperwork and needling around us, was damn cool. Until they smeared his eyes shut, we spent much of the time just staring at each other. He made a lot of mouth motions which the nurses indicated was a good sign. “He'll be a great eater”. Sort of killed my fantasy that he was speaking in tongues. But this was my son. There. Just looking at me. Really cool.

Almost two hours after he was born, we were all reunited as my wife was wheeled out of recovery and into our room for the next four days.

Joining us were two IVs, a heart monitor, another complicated-looking thing with lots of flashing lights, and what I can only describe as:

My wife slept that night. The baby slept that night. But that infernal machine whose purpose still eludes me fueled my insomnia, which went unchecked for the next two days.

Freebies, Being Peed On, and Restless Nights

My wife has always had a strong spirit, and recovered well in the hospital, walking just over a day after surgery. Still, she was much too sore to do the basic cleaning and burping and changing, things I have never done. It is incredibly easy to wing it: just have each new shift nurse “show you” how these things are done, and you won't have to try for the first full day.

Always expect to get peed on within the first week (there's a reason why you are supposed to cover your kid with a towel, as I learned), and understand you have no clue what will please or displease the baby. Our kid was active, inquisitive, and already trying to sit himself up before we left the hospital. He was indeed, as the nurses in recovery had told me, a very good feeder, much to the chagrin of my wife.

Freebies are something to keep an eye out for. Those coffee vending machines, for example. When it says “staff only”, remember that you are going to be paying out the nose for this little adventure and dammit it feels good to break the rules and avoid paying 75 cents for cheap coffee. Fight the power. Also, as far as I can tell, the diapers, pads, covers, pillows, IV machine, sofa pillows, and bathroom shampoo are all under the “hotel” policy: take everything that fits into your bag. You never know what you'll find useful (if a nurse fits in the trunk, take one of them too- you can't walk two feet without running into one).

The stream of nurses, doctors, and pediatricians made resting almost impossible for us and the baby. We started worrying as the days rolled on how we could possibly adjust to our new insomniatic lifestyle, and how our baby would handle it once home. Towards the end, with baby and mom “in the clear”, we finally had a relatively quiet night, and scored a nice four hours of rest. It was our first in almost a week.

In Praise of the Unplanned

In the end, our pregnancy, by the social definition, wasn't planned. We weren't trying to have a kid. There were no bottles of pre-natals lying about. No “What to Expect” this or “Planning the Perfect” that on our shelves. The very last thing on our minds was Jameson. But that is how these things go.

Life, in its fullest, doesn't care what we humans schedule and organize for ourselves. You zig with college? It zags with a job offer a thousand miles away.

This baby has thrown our lives into total chaos. Much of what we have read in the books has been nice in theory, silly in practice.

He falls asleep while he's being fed.

He smiles at us while he poops.

He'll cry for an hour, then burp so hard he knocks himself out.

Neither my wife nor I ever really thought kids were definitely in the cards for us.

We haven't a clue what we are doing.

With Jameson here now, we are just winging it day to day.

And it has been like that for months.

He was going to surprise us at every turn.

He arrived unexpectedly.

Survived a miscarriage.
Tumbled
Kicked
Shoved
Grew
And found his own way out of the womb, two days early.

He has completely, utterly destroyed our routine.

AUTHORANDSON.jpg

Thank God for that.

Posted by: CAC at 02:20 PM




Comments

(Jump to bottom of comments)

1 So happy for you CAC, lovely post!

Posted by: Heralder at May 06, 2015 02:21 PM (ECROs)

2 Congratulations and God bless!

Posted by: gwelf at May 06, 2015 02:22 PM (+7Usq)

3
Not fair. Making me cry at work!

Seriously, beautiful kid, beautiful story, god bless.

Posted by: Lea at May 06, 2015 02:24 PM (lIU4e)

4 Congrats CAC. Do they still give out cigars in CA?

Posted by: Vic We Have No Party at May 06, 2015 02:24 PM (wlDny)

5 Congratulations CAC!!!!!

Posted by: chemjeff at May 06, 2015 02:25 PM (2XMpf)

6 Congrats and enjoy. In a few years he will be embarrassed by you and answer in one word or just grunt.

Posted by: Nevergiveup at May 06, 2015 02:26 PM (rDqRv)

7 Congratulations.

I made the mistake of sipping coffee when my wife could only have ice chips. That almost guaranteed permanent brain damage from a fetal monitor.

Posted by: Marcus T at May 06, 2015 02:26 PM (GGCsk)

8 What a beautiful baby! Congrats!

Posted by: Jane D'oh at May 06, 2015 02:27 PM (FsuaD)

9 So how will he vote in 21 years?


Great story, thanks. Congrats.

Posted by: Limousine Liberals at May 06, 2015 02:27 PM (0FSuD)

10 That's what life is all about, right there.

Posted by: Mike at May 06, 2015 02:27 PM (1V9qu)

11 awesome, awesome, awesome! It's been 18 years since our youngest was born, but thanks to grandkids I am able to relive all the happier, stickier, smelly and downright blessed moments anew. Congratulations to you, your wife and child.

Posted by: frank lopez at May 06, 2015 02:27 PM (6A6AQ)

12 He's adorable. Congratulations!

Posted by: Rusty Nail at May 06, 2015 02:27 PM (Ehe+p)

13 Cheers

Posted by: @PeeteySDee at May 06, 2015 02:28 PM (6wyPH)

14 I laughed until I cried! Then I pooped!

Posted by: AoSHQ Post Critic at May 06, 2015 02:28 PM (K7krX)

15 Congrats! You'll cherish the first moment you saw your son forever. You're blessed!

Posted by: Dax at May 06, 2015 02:28 PM (SEu4B)

16 Congratulations!

Posted by: Y-not at May 06, 2015 02:28 PM (9BRsg)

17 Off limo sock

Posted by: Nip Sip at May 06, 2015 02:28 PM (0FSuD)

18
Congrats CAC.!!

Posted by: fixerupper at May 06, 2015 02:29 PM (8XRCm)

19
I took one bit of advice from a friend and didn't watch the surgery itself.

I did. I watched a Cesarean and a VBAC up close and personal.

They're both really gross.

Congrats to all the Finnigans!

Posted by: Bandersnatch at May 06, 2015 02:29 PM (JtwS4)

20 So how will he vote in 21 years?


Great story, thanks. Congrats.
Posted by: Limousine Liberals at May 06, 2015 02:27 PM (0FSuD)

---

Im impressed you think we'll be allowed to vote in 20 years.....

Posted by: fixerupper at May 06, 2015 02:29 PM (8XRCm)

21 Something I want for myself one day but as a socially incapable person I probably won't. I guess that is what nieces and nephews are for.

Posted by: Mr. Saturn at May 06, 2015 02:29 PM (9G75k)

22 Congratulations. Little Nerada's first action of post-birth life was to spit a mouthful of blood and amniotic fluid into the doctor's face.

Posted by: Vashta Nerada at May 06, 2015 02:30 PM (eGmvn)

23 As others have said, congratulations. All the best to you and yours.

Posted by: rickb223 Straight, Conservative Clinger at May 06, 2015 02:31 PM (mZkJr)

24 awesome, awesome, awesome! It's been 18 years since our youngest was born, but thanks to grandkids I am able to relive all the happier, stickier, smelly and downright blessed moments anew.


And fill them full of sugar and send them home.

Posted by: rickb223 Straight, Conservative Clinger at May 06, 2015 02:32 PM (mZkJr)

25 Very sweet! And the little guy is a cutie!
Congratulations

Posted by: Lizzy at May 06, 2015 02:32 PM (2TN4k)

26 Such a wonderful gift. Congratulations.

Posted by: Barb the Evil Genius at May 06, 2015 02:33 PM (9Y7bY)

27 We each of us have our way of fighting the good fight--save the Republic, prepare for its successor, hunker down and create a safe zone, what have you.

Thank you for reminding us why we fight.

Posted by: Brother Cavil, down with Eph 6:12 at May 06, 2015 02:33 PM (DT3rQ)

28 well, CAC, congrats bud.

but i will say I'm closer to being gay and swearing off sex with women for the rest of my life now then I was before I read this post.

You had me at episiotomy. Had to google it.

Still dry heaving.

Posted by: mynewhandle at May 06, 2015 02:33 PM (AkOaV)

29 Congratulations CAC! Now is the time to begin thinking about how to explain your previous psychedelic rants once your son gets on the internet and finds them.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at May 06, 2015 02:33 PM (bLnSU)

30 Posted by: Limousine Liberals at May 06, 2015 02:27 PM (0FSuD)

18 years***

Jesus, what is this, 1965?

Posted by: mynewhandle at May 06, 2015 02:34 PM (AkOaV)

31 He looks perfect. Enjoy every moment with him, even when he's doing stuff that drives you nuts. It'll pass by in what seems like hours instead of years.

Posted by: digitalbrownshirt at May 06, 2015 02:34 PM (YikDz)

32 Congratulations! Gorgeous baby! In labor you don't really care (the mother) how they get out, just deliver this child safely and in good health. Thankful you have a healthy baby and wife.

Enjoy it all.

Posted by: ChristyBlinky is never going to be the same at May 06, 2015 02:35 PM (FCPu0)

33
Congrats CAC.
I once was surrounded by pregnant women at a cube farm we worked at.
I'm still therapy over the experience.

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at May 06, 2015 02:35 PM (1JqUE)

34 Congrats!!

My experience with the first of our loins...

The longest 9 months followed by the fastest 18 years.

Posted by: Drill_Thrawl at May 06, 2015 02:35 PM (fO0en)

35 Sounds like our first daughters birth. My wife was annoyed with the recovery from C section she felt pressured into. Our next 2 were midwife assisted home births. Cheaper and less traumatic for the Mrs. Ymmv. Anyway, congrats. Having babies is how we win in the long run, provided you keep a close eye on the indoctrination centers.

Posted by: randy m at May 06, 2015 02:36 PM (VbMNd)

36 This is all a results of PIV and rape and such!

Posted by: Madcow. MSDNC at May 06, 2015 02:36 PM (0FSuD)

37 The wife and kid are gorgeous CAC.

That tweet about Pennsylvania...LOL.

Posted by: River Guide at May 06, 2015 02:36 PM (RJMhd)

38 Vashta Nerada, the first thing Littlest Genius did was have her first bowel movement on the doctor's hand.

And what Mr. BTEG learned from my c-section was if the doc asks, hey, do you want to see a uterus, don't look.

Posted by: Barb the Evil Genius at May 06, 2015 02:36 PM (9Y7bY)

39 ...and now you are a family.

Deepest,warmest congratulations to the three of you!

Posted by: Tired Mom at May 06, 2015 02:37 PM (Rf6QT)

40 Congrats, CAC and the Mrs.

Life as you know it is over.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, who did not vote for this sh1t at May 06, 2015 02:37 PM (0HooB)

41
You had me at episiotomy. Had to google it.

I saw film of one in a health class in college. The blood runs down the blades of that tool that does the separating and *boom* girl in the back has passed out and fallen off her chair, lights come on, class dismissed.

Posted by: Bandersnatch at May 06, 2015 02:37 PM (JtwS4)

42 30
Posted by: Limousine Liberals at May 06, 2015 02:27 PM (0FSuD)



18 years***



Jesus, what is this, 1965?

Posted by: mynewhandle at May 06, 2015 02:34 PM (AkOaV)

Sorry I meant when will he have his first drink, not vote, ha ha

Posted by: Limousine Liberals at May 06, 2015 02:37 PM (0FSuD)

43 You highjacked her body to replicate the male half of your DNA.

Cis-male privilege body-snatcher!

( congrats, BTW )

Posted by: Kristophr at May 06, 2015 02:37 PM (6fIOn)

44
I know its early in the thread and kinda a downer ..... but.... Drudges new headline.

"ISIS VOWS TO KILL PAM"

Posted by: fixerupper at May 06, 2015 02:38 PM (8XRCm)

45 So sweet! God bless the three of you, CAC.

Posted by: baldilocks at May 06, 2015 02:39 PM (t2Kll)

46 Posted by: Bandersnatch at May 06, 2015 02:37 PM (JtwS4)

Yeah. I'm not a very squeamish person. Blood, exposed bones, vomit, whatever... doesn't really bother me.

But "the miracle of life"?

Gross.

Posted by: mynewhandle at May 06, 2015 02:39 PM (AkOaV)

47 Beautiful. I'm all weepy. And Mr. Saturn, don't give up; you're bound to find someone who's socially capable enough for both of you. It happened to my husband.

Posted by: Comrade Moron April at May 06, 2015 02:39 PM (Dj1wH)

48 Favorite part of our c-section story:
Wife: "I'm so cold!"
Nurse: "Oh that's just because your uterus is outside your body right now."

Posted by: wooga at May 06, 2015 02:40 PM (sO+ca)

49 Congratulations. Welcome to the Club.

Posted by: Laughing in Texas at May 06, 2015 02:40 PM (eBNjM)

50 Nicely done CAC , both the writing and the fine looking son .
Best wishes to your whole family .

Posted by: awkward davies at May 06, 2015 02:41 PM (sFrtM)

51 At least you were sober, CAC.

When BBoy^2 was born, an old friend of mine was in town and we were quite busy destroying brain cells when she leans over and says, "It's time to go to the hospital."

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, who did not vote for this sh1t at May 06, 2015 02:41 PM (0HooB)

52 You've found out it now takes 45 minutes to leave the house!

Posted by: Jinx the Cat at May 06, 2015 02:41 PM (l3vZN)

53 He is just perfect and beautiful!

My older son was also a bit of a surprise. But we loved him from the minute we found out about him. He was never just a mass of cells to us. He graduates from High School in just a couple of weeks. 18 years flies by. It feels like it was about a month ago that we found out we were expecting him.

Enjoy your son!

Posted by: Becky at May 06, 2015 02:41 PM (kj0P/)

54 1. Congratulations!

2. Awwwwwwwwwww....

3. As a resident of Pennsylvania I eagerly await his plan to win the state. Seriously, does it involve pooping on Philly or something?

Posted by: joncelli, Boned like You at May 06, 2015 02:41 PM (RD7QR)

55 Where is the like button?


Congrats.

Posted by: blaster at May 06, 2015 02:42 PM (cpu7T)

56 Posted by: BackwardsBoy, who did not vote for this sh1t at May 06, 2015 02:41 PM (0HooB)

Same thing happened to a buddy of mine.

Hospital staff wouldn't let him hold his daughter until he blew under a .08, which was SEVERAL hours after the birth.

You'd think he'd be embarrassed by that, but its one of his favorite stories to tell people.

Posted by: mynewhandle at May 06, 2015 02:42 PM (AkOaV)

57
Yes, I'm sure you are as proud of your little bundle of joy as Web and I were......

Posted by: Hillary Clinton at May 06, 2015 02:42 PM (HSmrB)

58 Congrats CAC and Erinn.

Especially poignant for me as Golfboy will be graduating college on this coming - Sunday, Mother's Day.

Wow, it was only 21+ years ago. Enjoy. The time flies.

Here's to hoping Jameson turns out as good as Golfboy has and you are a better father than I was and am.

Posted by: Golfman at May 06, 2015 02:42 PM (fQAkR)

59 The blood runs down the blades of that tool that does the separating and *boom* girl in the back has passed out and fallen off her chair, lights come on, class dismissed.


Wanna drop the high school football team? Back in hs they held a blood drive. Just as they were about to stick the needle in, I started screaming, "It hurts! It hurts! Oh God, get it out!"

Yep. Dropped a couple that were in line.

Yes, I am an asshole.

Posted by: rickb223 Straight, Conservative Clinger at May 06, 2015 02:43 PM (mZkJr)

60 He's absolutely beautiful, CAC. Congratulations to all three of you!

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit & Vaginassassin, aka Beth at May 06, 2015 02:43 PM (4df7R)

61 CAC, I rarely read an entire movie review, but I read this one with a big, dumb grin on my face throughout the whole thing.

Congratulations to you and your wife!

Posted by: DangerGirl at May 06, 2015 02:43 PM (GHHRC)

62 @21 Don't give up hope. Try a dating service. I didn't date for almost 10 years. Met my wife through a service, we were engaged a month later and married six months after that. That was 19 years and 2 kids ago and I love her more today than the day I married her.

Posted by: Laughing in Texas at May 06, 2015 02:43 PM (eBNjM)

63
So, CAC, all of the Irish and Unafilliated Drunk Morons were thrilled by the name Jameson.

Is there a backstory? Did it take negotiation? Does Mrs. CAC not know what it means yet?

Posted by: Bandersnatch at May 06, 2015 02:43 PM (JtwS4)

64 Mr. Saturn

I second what Comrade Moron April said.

Posted by: River Guide at May 06, 2015 02:43 PM (RJMhd)

65 Same thing happened to a buddy of mine.



Hospital staff wouldn't let him hold his daughter until he blew under a .08, which was SEVERAL hours after the birth.



You'd think he'd be embarrassed by that, but its one of his favorite stories to tell people.

Posted by: mynewhandle at May 06, 2015 02:42 PM (AkOaV)

Heh. It would have been the next week for me.

Posted by: Golfman at May 06, 2015 02:43 PM (fQAkR)

66 Congratulations to you both!

And Happy First Mother's Day to Erinn.

Posted by: theduchessofkitty at May 06, 2015 02:44 PM (NtsQB)

67 but.... Drudges new headline.
"ISIS VOWS TO KILL PAM"


What do they have against cooking spray??

Posted by: rickb223 Straight, Conservative Clinger at May 06, 2015 02:44 PM (mZkJr)

68 We haven't a clue what we are doing.

They need to come with an instruction manual, don't they? I think most parents don't have a clue what they're doing.

Very cute baby; I love the photo of him in the blanket

God bless your and your family.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at May 06, 2015 02:44 PM (MeuoO)

69 mazel tov Brendan and Erinn, You have found the meaning to life.

later in the month you will ask what Life?

i have no life but this home , this baby , and especially the bed i want to crawl into to sleep.

and just when your baby sleeps through the night , you will be pregnant with number 2.

srsly congrats and may love and laughter always be whispering in the shadows.

Posted by: willow at May 06, 2015 02:45 PM (nqBYe)

70 :Applause:

Well written CAC.

From my end, I will say, C-sections are tough as hell on the mom, but ultimately I suspect (based on my friends experiences) less traumatic for the dad than the forceps removal.
There was no cord cutting for me, the baby had to be inspected post haste by NICU doc (as is procedure for instrument deliveries.) They left some cord on for me to cut, but I was so traumatized at that point (seriously it's scary as hell, the forceps look like giant metal salad tongs.)

I did not have to be reminded to take little Sophia over to my wife, as my wife was being worked on for about an hour and really not in any way to hold the kid (with a doc and a nurse hovering around her and her feet up in stirrups that whole time.)

I'll always remember what my wife said when they asked about forceps vs. vacuum tube: She said "I don't care which is better for me, do what's best for my little girl." And our doctor obliged.

(I never told y'all that, wife hates when I gush over the story.)

Posted by: tsrblke, PhD(c) rogue bioethicst at May 06, 2015 02:45 PM (HDwDg)

71
Wanna drop the high school football team? Back in hs they held a blood drive. Just as they were about to stick the needle in, I started screaming, "It hurts! It hurts! Oh God, get it out!"

Yep. Dropped a couple that were in line.

Yes, I am an asshole.


I am possibly a bigger asshole. I donated blood at a church and a little old lady was supposed to help me over to the donut table. I pretend passed out.

I'd have felt really bad if that gave hera heart attack.

Posted by: Bandersnatch at May 06, 2015 02:45 PM (JtwS4)

72 Posted by: Laughing in Texas at May 06, 2015 02:43 PM (eBNjM)

Yeah, I have several friends who have had great success using the internets to get women.

Seems to work especially well for introverted shy people.

Me, personally? Were I single, I would not go anywhere near match or eharmony or any of those dating sites.

Tinder all day baby! Random hook ups with a swipey app? Fuck yeah!

Posted by: mynewhandle at May 06, 2015 02:45 PM (AkOaV)

73 The longest 9 months followed by the fastest 18 years.

--

This is, without a doubt, so true. Mine is 18 now and getting ready to graduate in 3 weeks. I'm at a verbal loss to accurately describe just how fast the time has gone.

A huge congrats to you and Erinn, CAC. Jameson is beautiful, and your story was the best thing I've read in a long time. Wishing you a long, happy lifetime with your lil' one! Enjoy every crazy second because one day you'll blink and he'll be grown.

Posted by: Lady in Black at May 06, 2015 02:45 PM (JUYtq)

74 My mom cut the cord with her teeth. She chewed through it like a trapped fox chewing off its own arm to escape.

Posted by: Chelsea Clinton at May 06, 2015 02:45 PM (8ZskC)

75 67

And Iran is getting froggy with the U.S. fleet

http://tinyurl.com/nv3bm4g

Posted by: wrg500 at May 06, 2015 02:46 PM (S+el1)

76 Enjoy the time you have with him because it will fly by. Picking up my kid on Friday since he'll be finished with his first year of college. Where does the time go?

Posted by: NCKate at May 06, 2015 02:46 PM (+9J2B)

77 >>Favorite part of our c-section story:

There was A LOT of activity down there - seemed odd. In the recovery room the doctor excitedly explained why. Halfway out doctor discovered he wasn't just breach, but complex breach - doing the splits w/one leg going straight up by his ear and hugging it tight. Doctor then got on the ground and demonstrated the position; said he'd never seen it before.

So....to deliver him as is would've mean breaking a leg or a hip. Doctor instead pushed him back in, unraveled the arms, repositioned the legs and then pulled him out. He was psyched he pulled it off and had a new harrowing delivery story for colleagues.

Posted by: Lizzy at May 06, 2015 02:46 PM (2TN4k)

78
CAC,

Congratulations to you and the Missus. He is a fine looking boy, and will thrive thanks to the love he is sure to get.

Fatherhood ain't peanuts. The sleep deprivation, the blood yet to come from injuries and accidents, the realization that your life is even less about you than before, these all add up and sometimes overwhelm you. But you will persevere and the rewards are more than worth it.

And if you raise him right, why, I might even let him within 50 yards of one of my five girls. Maybe.

Posted by: Virginia SoCon at May 06, 2015 02:49 PM (+/C3g)

79 So....to deliver him as is would've mean breaking a leg or a hip. Doctor instead pushed him back in, unraveled the arms, repositioned the legs and then pulled him out. He was psyched he pulled it off and had a new harrowing delivery story for colleagues.

And they say origami has no useful applications in the real world...

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, who did not vote for this sh1t at May 06, 2015 02:49 PM (0HooB)

80 I feel like these are things no guy should have to know about.

I'm going to excuse myself from the rest of this thread.

All of this birthing and babies and episiotomies and vaginal births and ...

yeah, I'll catch you guys later.

Posted by: mynewhandle at May 06, 2015 02:49 PM (AkOaV)

81
RIP Yeoman Rand.


Yo man.

Posted by: eleven at May 06, 2015 02:50 PM (IPzoI)

82 during my wife's delivery I was threaten with bodily harm if I ever touched her again.

Posted by: wrg500 at May 06, 2015 02:50 PM (S+el1)

83 Nice story.

When your son goes after Pennsylvania, tell him not to use easily-hacked killbots. It's embarrassing when your android Imperial Guard stops with the conquering and launches into an animatronic modern interpretive dance routine to 'Disco Inferno'.

Trust me on this.

Posted by: Mikey NTH - The Outrage Outlet validates insecurities, hang-ups, neuroses, and parking! at May 06, 2015 02:50 PM (hLRSq)

84 Congratulations, and good job for naming him something classier than "Val-U-Rite".

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at May 06, 2015 02:50 PM (sH832)

85 My mom cut the cord with her teeth. She chewed through it like a trapped fox chewing off its own arm to escape.
Posted by: Chelsea Clinton


*snort*

Posted by: rickb223 Straight, Conservative Clinger at May 06, 2015 02:50 PM (mZkJr)

86 The longest 9 months followed by the fastest 18 years.

__________

Yep. I'm not at 18 years yet, but yeah after the first year, it's like someone presses the fast forward button on life.

Posted by: HUCK / AKIN 2016 at May 06, 2015 02:50 PM (0LHZx)

87 Congrats CAC!

Posted by: ConservativeMonster at May 06, 2015 02:51 PM (0NdlF)

88 Congrats CAC! Hope you all get some sleep while you can.

Posted by: Buckeye Abroad at May 06, 2015 02:51 PM (Cqhn9)

89 Mazel tov

Posted by: Jeffrey at May 06, 2015 02:52 PM (mXv3y)

90 Happy birthday to yu.

Posted by: eleven at May 06, 2015 02:52 PM (IPzoI)

91
So, are you going to talk Ace into having one?

Posted by: Bruce J at May 06, 2015 02:52 PM (iQIUe)

92 Posted by: mynewhandle at May 06, 2015 02:39 PM (AkOaV

2 things I'll talk about I wish I could forget (and one I won't.) related to our kid's birth.

1) The doctor saying "look, you can see the head!" (Sophie wasn't crowning yet, indeed, she never "crowned" because: forceps. Yeah, you can figure out what that means. He grabbed me and pulled me around to see.

2) Asking "why are you tying a bag to the bottom of the birthing bed." Yeah, I know now why. (And that mess didn't even include the placenta because there was discussion of sending off for biopsy due to the last minute complications of the birth. They settled on "eh, head was probably too big, or Pitocin too strong." and didn't send it off.

Posted by: tsrblke, PhD(c) rogue bioethicst at May 06, 2015 02:53 PM (HDwDg)

93
We're cloning ace.


Don't tell him.

Posted by: eleven at May 06, 2015 02:53 PM (IPzoI)

94 We haven't a clue what we are doing.

They need to come with an instruction manual, don't they? I think most parents don't have a clue what they're doing.

________

Most terrifying feeling I had was when the first time I was alone with the baby about an hour after birth. The nurse left the room, mom was asleep. And I damn near passed out of fear as I realized I had absolutely no idea what to do.

Posted by: HUCK / AKIN 2016 at May 06, 2015 02:54 PM (0LHZx)

95 "Nicely done CAC , both the writing and the fine looking son . "


Ditto. Things like this don't get to me, but.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at May 06, 2015 02:54 PM (LA7Cm)

96 Hate to break it to you, but the GOP is never going to win PA.

Posted by: Kreplach at May 06, 2015 02:54 PM (bckL9)

97 93
We're cloning ace.


Don't tell him.
Posted by: eleven at May 06, 2015 02:53 PM (IPzoI)

Got to be plenty of his DNA on Marco Rubio's garbage to work with.

Posted by: joncelli, Boned like You at May 06, 2015 02:55 PM (RD7QR)

98 ,@74 Chelsea Clinton

"My mom cut the cord with her teeth. She chewed through it like a trapped fox chewing off its own arm to escape."

Yeah right. You were actually hatched in the incubator while your parents philandered.

Posted by: Buckeye Abroad at May 06, 2015 02:55 PM (Cqhn9)

99 So, are you going to talk Ace into having one?


Baby ewoks. Baby ewoks everywhere!

Posted by: ConservativeMonster at May 06, 2015 02:55 PM (0NdlF)

100 96 Hate to break it to you, but the GOP is never going to win PA.
Posted by: Kreplach at May 06, 2015 02:54 PM (bckL9)

Not even with the Pooping on Philly Plan?

Posted by: joncelli, Boned like You at May 06, 2015 02:56 PM (RD7QR)

101 I love children. I think everybody else should have them.

Posted by: Soona at May 06, 2015 02:56 PM (/HX7u)

102 Got to be plenty of his DNA on Marco Rubio's garbage to work with.

Half ewok, half trash. All ace.

Posted by: ConservativeMonster at May 06, 2015 02:56 PM (0NdlF)

103 Clinton would have said, "I didn't know they came already on a leash".

Posted by: Vashta Nerada at May 06, 2015 02:56 PM (eGmvn)

104
Very slip multimedia presentation of the end of the war in Germany:

http://goo.gl/6qFxJu

Posted by: Bruce J at May 06, 2015 02:57 PM (iQIUe)

105
So, are you going to talk Ace into having one?

Posted by: Bruce J at May 06, 2015 02:52 PM (iQIUe)


----------------------------------

Now that I would like to see....


Posted by: Hillary Clinton at May 06, 2015 02:57 PM (HSmrB)

106 osted by: HUCK / AKIN 2016 at May 06, 2015 02:54 PM (0LHZx)

Very nice post, former poster Moo Moo. You should show the softer side of your character more often.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at May 06, 2015 02:57 PM (MeuoO)

107 The only thing worse than kids arriving and destroying your routine is kids moving out and on with their lives, destroying your wonderful routine. Enjoy it! Have several more. What's money anyway? Believe it or not, it ends and you'll really miss the little bastards.

Heartfelt congratulations to you and your wife. Thanks the great post.

Posted by: MTF at May 06, 2015 02:57 PM (LISuA)

108 Congrats CAC.

Posted by: steveegg at May 06, 2015 02:58 PM (cL79m)

109 Congratulations to you and your wife. He looks just like a baby. Seriously, they all kind of look alike to me. Beautiful.

Posted by: huerfano at May 06, 2015 02:58 PM (bynk/)

110 Congrats. The meaning of life.

Posted by: LiveFreeOrDie at May 06, 2015 02:58 PM (kQxhJ)

111 Congratulations Mr & Mrs CAC and lots of hugs and kisses for baby Jameson! Blessings on the whole family!!!

Posted by: RondinellaMamma at May 06, 2015 02:58 PM (qWKaz)

112 Click on photos and you get video and interviews.

http://goo.gl/6qFxJu

Posted by: Bruce J at May 06, 2015 02:58 PM (iQIUe)

113
In the overnight while the birth was happening, I was introduced to the "mucus plug" stage of the miracle of birth.

No Sir, I didn't like it.

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at May 06, 2015 02:58 PM (kdS6q)

114 Believe it or not, it ends and you'll really miss the little bastards.


Or

They move into your basement and never leave. YMMV

Posted by: wrg500 at May 06, 2015 02:59 PM (S+el1)

115 Congrats CAC! Welcome to Fatherhood Part I

btw Part VI is called "Vasectomy". We'll let Erinn write that part.

Posted by: Foghorn Leghorn at May 06, 2015 02:59 PM (UhRGU)

116 Sad fist-bump, Mr. Saturn.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at May 06, 2015 03:00 PM (bLnSU)

117 They sectioned off the sterile side and let you know that they can lower it so you can see the c-section. I stood up twice and man did the Dr tug at our son he was. Breach birth he came out ass first. Which is appropriate for these times.

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at May 06, 2015 03:00 PM (CxEX+)

118 Congrats! Your wife looks surprisingly composed in the OR. My wife would not let cameras in the delivery room.

Think of the boy baby pee delivery system like a loaded weapon. Never stand in front of it.

Posted by: Penfold at May 06, 2015 03:01 PM (Fbt5B)

119 Also: Did you skip the part about delivering and viewing the afterbirth? That's worth a chapter in and of itself.

For those interested google it.

Posted by: Foghorn Leghorn at May 06, 2015 03:03 PM (UhRGU)

120 CAC, thank you for sharing this beautiful story. What a wonderful break from the swirling craziness of work and weird political blogs.
Those first few night and weeks and months are among the most bizarre and rewarding. Mine is now 15 and I worry all the time about other people's little bastards (yes, I have a beautiful teenage daughter and prematurely grey hair, but I am a mush better shot now!). Nice to take a moment and think about the start of it all.
God bless you all and enjoy the ride.

Posted by: RKinRoanoke at May 06, 2015 03:03 PM (DOEXI)

121 Awww.. that made my day reading that post ..Congrats to you and the wifey. The baby is beautiful. Life as you know it is over forever.. but that's a good thing.

Posted by: jewells45 at May 06, 2015 03:03 PM (l/N7H)

122 Think of the boy baby pee delivery system like a loaded weapon. Never stand in front of it.

Plus the little suckers have amazing water pressure and aim. My son hit the sugar bowel at 3 paces.

Posted by: wrg500 at May 06, 2015 03:03 PM (S+el1)

123 Cute kid. Won't be long until he's doing burnouts in the street in front of your house just to bug his mom. And he'll keep doing them over and over until she walks outside and yells at him to knock it off. And then she'll come back inside and start yelling at you for laughing about it and how embarrassed you should be because the neighbors are getting mad. Classic rite of passage.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at May 06, 2015 03:03 PM (1RNgT)

124
For those interested google it.

N.nn.nnnn...nn no....noooooo....nn...nnn..nnnnoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

Posted by: Billy Babbit at May 06, 2015 03:04 PM (IPzoI)

125 My son hit the sugar bowel at 3 paces.
Posted by: wrg500 at May 06, 2015 03:03 PM


That is some amazing aim.

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at May 06, 2015 03:05 PM (h4vJk)

126 HOW ADORABLE!

And we have a Jameson in our family, too. There are only a handful out there!

Posted by: Thea at May 06, 2015 03:05 PM (Ql2lm)

127 Congrats to the new family. Don't worry, you'll sleep soundly again at some point in the non-foreseeable future.

Posted by: Feh at May 06, 2015 03:06 PM (GbQ2h)

128 pee pee teepee's are your Friend

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at May 06, 2015 03:07 PM (CxEX+)

129
Have you ever had an erection at a really inopportune moment and you just wanted it to go away????

Two words.


Mucus plug.

Posted by: Billy Babbit at May 06, 2015 03:07 PM (IPzoI)

130

also cures hiccups.

Posted by: Billy Babbit at May 06, 2015 03:07 PM (IPzoI)

131 Yes, your wife Erinn (sp?) look amazingly composed and happy after all that.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at May 06, 2015 03:07 PM (MeuoO)

132 That is some amazing aim.

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at May 06, 2015 03:05 PM (h4vJk)

Nice steady arch into the bowl. Impressive.

Posted by: wrg500 at May 06, 2015 03:07 PM (S+el1)

133 I don't get the whole cord cutting thing. You got a doctor right there getting paid thousands of dollars to take care of things like that. No thanks buddy.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at May 06, 2015 03:07 PM (1RNgT)

134 Congratulations and wonderful blessing to the three of you!

Posted by: Jen the original at May 06, 2015 03:08 PM (EMXR7)

135 We haven't a clue what we are doing.

Welcome to parenthood. It gets better, then a lot harder when they hit their teens (sometimes earlier).

Congrtulations!

Posted by: Jeff Weimer at May 06, 2015 03:08 PM (Edob3)

136 I remember being threatened with bodily harm if I left my post by the Mrs's head. I also remember my daughter's look of outright offence at the sheer indignity of the whole process, as well as how hungrily her eyes tracked us as we walked around the room. She wanted to do that! Almost six years later, she never walks anywhere if she can run instead.

Congratulations and our prayers for you and your family!

Posted by: Militant Bibliophile at May 06, 2015 03:09 PM (C9lTM)

137 Did someone at least get the baby a plaid CAC map blanket ?

Congrats

Posted by: The Jackhole somewhere on Ventura Highway at May 06, 2015 03:10 PM (dULJN)

138 Awww. . . . congratulations to all three of you.

Posted by: plum at May 06, 2015 03:12 PM (bIq2B)

139 Big grats! Now step up big, kiss sleep and sanity goodbye, and let your wife recover from her major surgery. Insist on it.

Grats again. You and yours have my prayers.

Posted by: James at May 06, 2015 03:12 PM (9ui3c)

140 then a lot harder when they hit their teens (sometimes earlier).

Posted by: Jeff Weimer at May 06, 2015 03:08 PM (Edob3)

Oh God. From hero and knower of everything to stupidest person in the world in less than a month. Teenage girls = soul sucking experience.

Posted by: Drill_Thrawl at May 06, 2015 03:13 PM (fO0en)

141 FYI he is free until he turns 3 at Disney World.

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at May 06, 2015 03:14 PM (CxEX+)

142 Finnigan beginagain. Lovely.

Posted by: Madamex at May 06, 2015 03:14 PM (yoxJL)

143 Congratulations. In good news for your newborn, the Cesearian means he gets to skip the awkward conehead stage.

Posted by: COBill at May 06, 2015 03:15 PM (cPg42)

144 Mostly poop.

Posted by: Mr. Foo Foo at May 06, 2015 03:15 PM (Dwehj)

145 Cute kid! Congrats, CAC! Beautiful post, too. You nailed the chaos of the whole experience.

Posted by: fly gal at May 06, 2015 03:16 PM (8TdcF)

146 Just think....cavepersons did all that by themselves.

Posted by: eleven at May 06, 2015 03:16 PM (IPzoI)

147
Yep. Been there, done that. twice. Good luck with the whole sleep and teething thing. heh.

Congrats. The joys far outweigh the sorrows.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at May 06, 2015 03:17 PM (ODxAs)

148 Thanks for sharing this with eleventy thousand of your closest friends!

Posted by: JohnnyBoy at May 06, 2015 03:17 PM (TPjwz)

149 Teenage girls = soul sucking experience.

Believe me, teenage boys are no picnic either ;^) but I've been assured by people who have both that teen girls are worse. I was at a meeting the other week with my boss and he said. "I have four teenagers at home right now (Two were born his and two are adopted) Thats what I'm so happy to be here.". ;^)

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at May 06, 2015 03:17 PM (MeuoO)

150 I remember reading the prior post from CAC, when they found out about the pregnancy. I'm glad it came to a happy conclusion.

Welcome to the world, Jameson. It's gonna hit you hard, but like Rocky says, it ain't about hitting back. It's about getting hit, and getting back up again. Good luck, and good wishes to you and your family.

Posted by: Toastrider at May 06, 2015 03:18 PM (w0vrv)

151 Congratulations to you and your wife CAC!


No kids yet but my god-daughter taught me that to a young child, sandwiches really look like they'll fit into a VCR slot.


When I'm finally blessed with kids, I expect to simply mentally write off $2000 of damage a child.

Posted by: Stateless Infidel at May 06, 2015 03:19 PM (AC0lD)

152 Just think....cavepersons did all that by themselves.

I gripped an oak, squatted and bit down hard on a buffalo shank.

Posted by: Mighty Lieawatha Warren at May 06, 2015 03:19 PM (Dwehj)

153 What a beautiful recollection. Congratulations and welcome to the world where your heart walks around outside your body for the rest of your life.

Posted by: rohon at May 06, 2015 03:20 PM (3aO5K)

154 I gripped an oak, squatted and bit down hard on a buffalo shank.
Posted by: Mighty Lieawatha Warren



Pro tip: Next time, wait until it's dead.

Posted by: rickb223 Straight, Conservative Clinger at May 06, 2015 03:21 PM (mZkJr)

155
buffalo shank.

*snort*

Posted by: JohnnyBoy at May 06, 2015 03:22 PM (TPjwz)

156 No kids yet but my god-daughter taught me that to a young child, sandwiches really look like they'll fit into a VCR slot.

When I'm finally blessed with kids, I expect to simply mentally write off $2000 of damage a child.

Posted by: Stateless Infidel at May 06, 2015 03:19 PM (AC0lD)


And remember that a toddlers reach is at least 3 inches longer than they're arm

Posted by: wrg500 at May 06, 2015 03:22 PM (S+el1)

157 Thank you very much for sharing the story of your little one's arrival. As someone who suffered 2 miscarriages before my 2nd child was born I know what that pain is like and could relate when I read your story about what happened in August and it brought me to tears when you revealed that your son was still alive and growing.

I always love to read L&D stories. They're all a little different in their own way. For new mothers it is especially difficult since they go in so blind to what to expect and it's all new to their bodies. I for one would never want to do Labor sedated because my labors are atypically fast and I wouldn't want to slow them down.

I recently discovered that I am pregnant with #3. This is wholly unexpected since I turn 40 this year. I guess we've been reading too much conservative commentary suggesting we should outbreed the liberals (that's intended as sarcasm, since I really do blame it on my husband not keeping it in his pants) But I have high hopes for this one and we'll make it work even though it wasn't part of the master plan.

I think one of the reasons labor stories and stories about new babies and pregnancy resonate with me so well is that they remind me of why everyone should have children. The experience forces you to grow, to see things in yourself (courage) that you may never have cultivated before. There was some article recently about how breeders shouldn't 'shame' childless families as selfish and blah blah but it all often argues from the standpoint of the world being overcrowded (which I consider to be bunk) but what's ultimately missing is that mantle of responsibility that is taken on by a parent the moment they hold that little child's life in their hands and the sense of duty to the community and the future that goes along with providing a child with a quality upbringing. Most importantly, the experience of creating life and cradling it, seeing it through dangers and watching it flourish all give us an appreciation for life and its fragility.

Posted by: Becky at May 06, 2015 03:22 PM (Xqyhu)

158
We haven't a clue what we are doing.

I remember thinking with our first that they should arrest the people at the hospital for just giving us a kid and saying go take care of her.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at May 06, 2015 03:22 PM (ODxAs)

159 CAC

*Manly fist bump of fatherhood*

Dude, you got poop on your elbow.

Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at May 06, 2015 03:23 PM (VPLuQ)

160 The first time around no impending parent has the slightest clue for what's about to happen.

The other advice I give to all first-time parents (from personal experience)? They aren't as fragile as they look and as you think, and you will test this theory early and often.

Posted by: Captain Ned at May 06, 2015 03:23 PM (WI6nT)

161 Congratulations to The House of CAC! That is one adorable little fellow. Long may you prosper.

I have a question (sincere not douche-y) about why you both would say that kids weren't definitely in the cards for you and your wife. I wouldn't ask but I think that more millennials tend to speak in these terms (ie., "I don't even know if I want to get married." etc.) then the young have ever done and I was wondering if you have any insights. It's okay if your answer is, "Kids. (shudder) Gross." (Particularly as none of it is my business.) But I do wonder why it's so pervasive.
Does the way our culture talk about children feed into it? (Expensive, the end of fun...)
Does the pervasiveness of being able to 'plan' everything feed into it? (Not sure I would have pulled the trigger on my Five Pledges if I'd gotten the spread sheet out...)
Is it that parents haven't passed on their values?
Is it global warming panic?
Is it a wish to be young for as long as possible?
Is it that we don't like doing hard things and now that we can control having to do this one...?

Maybe this is unanswerable. And I'm not pointing the finger of shame at anyone for choices made in an individual life. But I wonder at it. I thought that it was an interesting turn of phrase that Ace used yesterday to describe the disintegration of some of the social compact of polite society. "We are in a very careful place right now." It evokes for me an image of a rootless tree whose branches haven't quite begun to realize that the water source that feeds them is being turned off. And maybe that's how I feel about marriage and kids and ordinary families building a society.

Posted by: Beanerschnitzel at May 06, 2015 03:24 PM (8d63Z)

162 Posted by: Stateless Infidel at May 06, 2015 03:19 PM (AC0lD)

We were invited to a vacation home my brother was renting and my daughter tried to make s'mores in the toaster. Yup, I found the exact same toaster in a dept store before the "dirty looks" could commence.

Posted by: Madamex at May 06, 2015 03:25 PM (yoxJL)

163 This made me cry. It also made me laugh, loudly, prompting chirps of alarm from my zebra finches, who are used to peace and quiet.

Congratulations to you and your wife! Enjoy the hell out of this experience, your kid will grow up faster than you realize!

Posted by: Theresa D at May 06, 2015 03:26 PM (Ez5Cr)

164 Beautiful family there CAC.

we had a similar experience (labor, no progression, then CS) 18 1/2 yrs ago.

Enjoy every moment - it is absolutely amazing how fast 18 yrs can pass

Posted by: PMRich at May 06, 2015 03:26 PM (OxHMs)

165 What a nice post, CAC.

Congrats, glad everyone is doing well.

Posted by: Moderate Salami at May 06, 2015 03:27 PM (/Ho8c)

166 156 And remember that a toddlers reach is at least 3 inches longer than they're arm

And they will climb EVERYTHING! I was babysitting my nephew. Ran into the living room to grab something, gone 30 seconds. Little bugger was standing on the island in the kitchen when I came back.

Posted by: bebe's boobs destroy at May 06, 2015 03:27 PM (d2cM3)

167
So now that you've had a baby here in America you may all stay.

Posted by: Hillarrhoids at May 06, 2015 03:27 PM (wAQA5)

168 I've always found it amusing watching parenting styles change from child 1 to 2 to child 3.

You go from OMG, OMG they're going to hurt themselves, get the bubble wrap.

To he fell of WHAT? What's the damage.

Posted by: wrg500 at May 06, 2015 03:28 PM (S+el1)

169 Found out the other day that some neighbors sold there house next to the community playground, they found out they can't have kids and could not take living next to a playground they would never use, I count thank God every day for our son, except for the day he decided to draw with a rock on Daddy's new car.

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at May 06, 2015 03:28 PM (CxEX+)

170 Hide the permanent markers.

This will do no good since the child will likely find a non-permanent marker that will still stain the wall/door/furniture but at least you know that if he colors himself he won't ruin his clothes.

Posted by: Becky at May 06, 2015 03:29 PM (Xqyhu)

171 Beautiful story, beautiful family. Congratulations on being hired for the best job you will ever have.

Posted by: Cindy Munford at May 06, 2015 03:29 PM (7Lm22)

172 And that is a very dear picture of you and your son Jameson, Brandon.

What a great story to hear amidst all the political stuff. That for writing it and for the photos..

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at May 06, 2015 03:31 PM (MeuoO)

173 Pro tip: Ketchup and mustard will be used as finger paint on any available surface.

Posted by: wrg500 at May 06, 2015 03:31 PM (S+el1)

174 nood.

Posted by: rickb223 Straight, Conservative Clinger at May 06, 2015 03:32 PM (mZkJr)

175 OT: The worst thing you will see today, John Lennon, Chuck Berry, and Yoko sing Memphis. Check Chuck's face when Yoko starts caterwauling.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=h9kgu71d81U

Posted by: The Great White Snark at May 06, 2015 03:32 PM (LImiJ)

176 "He smiles at us while he poops."

HA! That's what I do to you peasants ALL.THE.TIME.

Posted by: Barry 0Bola, POTUS Lousyaire at May 06, 2015 03:32 PM (8E9QA)

177
And they will climb EVERYTHING!

No. 2 Son was a scary climber before he could walk. He'd climb out of his crib, then plop. WAAAAH!

So we couldn't keep him in a crib. He got the bottom bunk. Tried to keep him in the room with a baby gate. He climbed over it. Plop. WAAH! Put up two gates, one on top of the other. Climb, plop, waah! Put up three gates all the way to the top of the door. Climb, climb, climb, shake the top gate until it falls loose. Plop. Waah!

He's 18 now and not brain damaged. I don't know how.

Posted by: Bandersnatch at May 06, 2015 03:33 PM (JtwS4)

178 " I've always found it amusing watching parenting styles change from child 1 to 2 to child 3. "

I love those commercials for the other disposable diaper.
You know, the one where the first Childs pacifier has to be boiled for three days before use.

By the second kid, she hands the child to the mechanic, picks the pacifier off the garage floor, buffs it off, and stuffs it in the kids mouth.

Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at May 06, 2015 03:33 PM (VPLuQ)

179 O/T: Another crude train derails and explodes in ND.

Posted by: Soona at May 06, 2015 03:33 PM (/HX7u)

180 Congrats Becky!

@Captain Ned - when our daughter was about 12 weeks old it was my night to do the 1:30 a.m. feeding (in two more weeks she would sleep from 10:30 p.m. to about 5:30 a.m.). We kept our daughter in our bed with us and i have a pile of clothes and books on the floor next to my bed. So i get the bottle and I try to prop the little one onto my knees and she sorta slipped out of my hands and rolled off and onto the floor onto a pile of clothes and books. My wife instantly woke up and screamed "YOU DROPPED MY BABY!!!11". I did articulate that this was not a technically correct statement as she had slipped, but my wife was not prone to see reason at that particular moment. I just dusted my daughter off and fed her. She did not even cry. My wife has still not forgiven me for that and blames any problems on when i dropped her. Which i did not do, she merely slipped onto a pile of clothes.

Posted by: Penfold at May 06, 2015 03:33 PM (Fbt5B)

181 God Bless! Kind of weird driving to the hospital with that empty baby seat in the back, ain't it? I remember me and my wife looking back at it and realizing everything was about to change. Enjoy every minute. It will go by so fast.

Posted by: Dang at May 06, 2015 03:35 PM (FRkJH)

182 149 Teenage girls = soul sucking experience.

Believe me, teenage boys are no picnic either ;^) but I've been assured by people who have both that teen girls are worse

We just had a church event at my house with nine (9) teenage girls. Holy estrogen Batman. Guys can mess with each other, but a big group of girls can be downright mean. rowr! And this was the church group. Mostly they were ok but after 2 days in close proximity and sharing two bathrooms, get outta their way.
Laughed by ass off. oh, wait, in teenage LMFAO!

Posted by: RKinRoanoke at May 06, 2015 03:37 PM (DOEXI)

183 Hmm. Big head. CAC's kid with a big head. Why is it that I'm not surprised.

Poor kid will probably be clad in plaid diapers.

Anticipate first steerable telescope with attached baby seat. Also, new product, Fisher-Price, 'My First Election Call'.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at May 06, 2015 03:38 PM (F2IAQ)

184 Posted by: Beanerschnitzel at May 06, 2015 03:24 PM (8d63Z)

I'm not CAC, but since I'm only a few months ahead of him in both age and life events apparently, perhaps I can shed some light.

Granted, CAC's setup and mine were different. (Sophia was very much planned an expected.)

The wife and I bought the most recent edition of the Dr. Spock book prior to Sophia's arrival. In the preface it notes some of the differences between this edition and the original. Most notably it talks about the unsteady nature of the economy right now (as compared to the era of optimism and growth that the original edition was written in.)

People my age barely remember the Go-Go 90s, other than the dot com bust. We've all fairly aware of the likelihood that Social Security will drain our income, but not exist for us.
As my father put it "you'll be the first generation in a long time that wasn't as good off as your parents."

Now, I'm lucky, despite being a graduate student fuckup, my wife does well for us, and we're managing to piece together a fairly middleclass life (but it's tenuous.) But it's still scary, and the though of taking on responsibilities like kids scared the living crap out of us for a long time (and provoked many fights about what the right time is.)

Fact is, lots of us aren't sure we'll be able to keep up with the lives we're accustomed too without kids, and we want to give our kids those lives too, so it's complex and stressful.

(FWIW, the "life I'm accustomed to" isn't exactly Richie Rich. Not to say it's not comfortable. But a couple of cars, a yard and a house with the occasional dinner out at a fast causal restaurant and maybe a driving vacation every few years shouldn't be something you feel like you're barely holding on too, especially for 2 college educated people. And yet, that's what it is, and it seems that way for most of my friends too.)

Posted by: tsrblke, PhD(c) rogue bioethicst at May 06, 2015 03:38 PM (HDwDg)

185 Congratulation. Nothing any parent or book has told you can prepare you for what is coming.

First kid took his good old time and we were waiting 2 days in the hospital and another day of labor. Second time we decided to wait as long as possible to avoid sitting around the hospital for so long. Good thing we didn't wait another hour . Not even time for an epidural and kid was out and in our arms in less than 40 minute after arriving at the hospital. Oddly, the first one taking forever and the other blasting through the process has been the pattern their whole lives so far.

Posted by: George Orwell de Leon at May 06, 2015 03:39 PM (1BQGO)

186 Another crude train derails and explodes in ND.
Posted by: Soona
------------------

Big deal. Still superior to a pipeline.

Posted by: Barky the Buffet Puppet at May 06, 2015 03:40 PM (F2IAQ)

187
Twenty years on, fatherhood is still the best ride in the park .
As far as changing diapers , family poop doesn't stink.

When my girls were around three one of them Wiley's at 2 a.m. , screaming . I ran in, she had thrown up . Looked like she had brains all over her face. Still half asleep I thought, gee, someone is going to have to clean this up . Then realized who that was going to be.

Posted by: Jim in Virginia at May 06, 2015 03:40 PM (z7Udi)

188 "He has completely, utterly destroyed our routine."

Baaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh wait, you were serious. Excuse me while I laugh harder:

BWAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

I'm sure you'll get your "routine" back real soon...

...*snicker*.

Posted by: SGTYork at May 06, 2015 03:45 PM (/yNLK)

189 Posted by: SGTYork at May 06, 2015 03:45 PM (/yNLK

I will settle for *a* routine.

Granted, the feeding routine is starting to stabilize (God bless abbott laboratories and their wonderful foodstuffs.)

Posted by: tsrblke, PhD(c) rogue bioethicst at May 06, 2015 03:46 PM (HDwDg)

190 Dear CAC,

May God bless you and your wife and the little one. My wife and I have raised five, three boys and two girls, and each is a joy and delight. All I can say is that the fun has just begun: there is no greater joy in life than in seeing your son grow up to be a man, your daughter a woman.

May I offer a little unsolicited advice? Buy some good books, and read to him *every* night. Kipling, Stevenson, Lewis, l'Engle, LeGuin, Wilder, Tolkien, the d'Aulaires' books of Greek and Norse mythology, the Peterkin Papers ... there's no end to them. Stories teach us what a good life is, and how to cope with the challenges of life; he will hear, and remember, and learn. In years to come, you and he will treasure the memory of those hours you will have spent together.

Posted by: Brown Lline at May 06, 2015 03:48 PM (zcbZo)

191 ALL OF THE ADORABLE!!! He is a sweetie. God bless you and yours.

Posted by: VKI at May 06, 2015 03:49 PM (qySNZ)

192 God bless you and your family!

Everyone says it will go by so very fast, and they are so very right. If only there were a pause button!

Just remember: there is an economy of scale to having multiple kids close together. I am one of those that thinks money shouldn't be a large factor in a decision to have kids, but I will say it is cheaper to have them close together!

Reusable diapers (and covers), bottles (glass ones last longer), clothes, toys (no batteries please), cribs, etc. all can be used more than once!

Posted by: Mordineus at May 06, 2015 03:53 PM (tcFcs)

193 190 - Posted by: Brown Lline at May 06, 2015 03:48 PM (zcbZo)

Let me second this, and the list he gives is a good one. Although he forgot Mother Goose!

Posted by: Mordineus at May 06, 2015 03:55 PM (tcFcs)

194 tsrblke, (hand on forehead! Of course you are!), Thanks for that thoughtful response. Like I said, I don't want to shame anyone but I do hope my kids have families of their own and wondered what is getting lost in translation.
The hub and I were 21 and 22 when we got married and 23 and 25 when our first Pledge of Affection was born. We probably had no business thinking we could make it but we were too stupid to think we couldn't. We're celebrating 17 years of marriage this weekend. Five kids--the youngest of whom spent 6 days last week in the hospital (2 of those in the ICU--she's more or less fine now but we blew past the deductible some time ago and hit the roof of what we can pay out for the whole year) so I get how kids have a way of throwing a wrench in a family's financial plans.
Advice on the internet is probably the worst but we're a single income family (the hub is a code monkey so the money is nice but we're 7 people and we're saving for college and all that), I refuse to buy my sons new pants sometime in March when they've blown out the knees because summer shorts season is almost upon us and I just refuse. The 14-year-old pays for his own Nike clothes with his job reffing youth soccer. We go out. We travel as much as we can. We save and we work. And you had it exactly right. Life is beautiful (and messy and aggravating and awesome and all of that).
Being a conservative is what helps us keep our financial heads above water (better than that, actually. We're not planning on Social Security either and our retirement savings is what we pay first...after giving 10% to our church.). We work hard and we build our community and we have enough. I don't understand the math. But somehow it works out.
I wish you the very best with your little fellow. He is gorgeous.

Posted by: Beanerschnitzel at May 06, 2015 03:55 PM (8d63Z)

195 CAC-thank you for sharing that remarkable story. Very similar thing happened to us 22 years ago. It has been a hard road, but I don't regret a minute of it. Love that little one-they are precious gifts.

Posted by: Moki at May 06, 2015 03:59 PM (x303I)

196 Had to do a C-section with first child, too.

I made the mistake of taking the staff's advice and getting some sleep until they were ready for surgery. My wife still reminds me of how I left her alone for those hours. I was in the room but not conscious, so it doesn't count.

Then during the surgery, I sneaked a peek over the curtain screening off my wife's head, where I was seated, from the rest of her. All I saw were a bunch of white cloths around some stretched-open skin. It didn't look anything like a human body underneath. I also remember the surgeon continually tossing (blood?)-soaked cloths over his shoulder into a corner of the OR. I never will forget that sound. Nor that of our son's first cry. We didn't know until the delivery whether we had a boy or girl.

Finally, after the surgery, I went into the hallway and broke down in tears, relieved that everything had gone well. Staff members asked whether I needed anything. I desired a tissue, but the hospital didn't have any available. Ironic, I thought then. Good health practice, I think now.

Lovely story, CAC. And just in time for Mother's Day. You do know that you're supposed to get something for her even though she's not YOUR mother?

I didn't. And therein lies another story. ...

Posted by: Weak Geek at May 06, 2015 03:59 PM (K7u45)

197 Posted by: Beanerschnitzel at May 06, 2015 03:55 PM (8d63Z

That's CAC's kid.

My little girl is plastered all over my twitter account, but not here.

Posted by: tsrblke, PhD(c) rogue bioethicst at May 06, 2015 04:00 PM (HDwDg)

198 This is Ace's best movie review evah.

Posted by: Constipated Art Critic at May 06, 2015 04:01 PM (yn6XZ)

199 Oh sheesh. I'm getting nothing right, today! (I blame the children.)

Posted by: Beanerschnitzel at May 06, 2015 04:02 PM (8d63Z)

200 He's absolutely beautiful. You and your wife are very blessed. I wish Jameson a long life filled witj joy, good health and prosperity.

Posted by: Dancing Queen at May 06, 2015 04:03 PM (Ol/Jg)

201 Posted by: Beanerschnitzel at May 06, 2015 04:02 PM (8d63Z)

'tis cool. That reminds me I need to use the fancy facebook banner I got of my little girl.

Posted by: tsrblke, PhD(c) rogue bioethicst at May 06, 2015 04:03 PM (HDwDg)

202 My other advice is always not to underestimate a child's capacity to understand. When I was young I often felt as if adults did not give us credit for what we could gather from what was going on around us.

I suspect that partly why children lean toward liberalism is that they haven't fully grasped the 'why' behind the importance of tradition or conservative positions. (In my case it was because my parents were flaming liberals, but c'est la vie). Just like if you just teach a child to memorize math formula without teaching them the proofs or the foundations behind the math they won't really fully get it, it's the same with history and social perspective. I've gotten a lot of mileage from teaching my daughter (will be 10 years old soon) the 'whys' of certain things. Just telling her 'no' or 'just because' isn't always enough. The whys will be with her for far longer and will hopefully allow her to make coherent consistent judgments later in life.

Posted by: Becky at May 06, 2015 04:05 PM (Xqyhu)

203 Utterly beautiful! Congratulations to your lovely family!

Posted by: Oil Field Trash at May 06, 2015 04:23 PM (Ht7df)

204 Damn that is one fine looking little dude, congratulations!

Cherish the moments, you will turn around and blink and he'll be off to college, believe me I know.

Posted by: Yojimbo at May 06, 2015 04:32 PM (FdR+8)

205 Jeez, I read the whole thing . . . got a little weepy. And very smiley! Congrats to the very wonderful CAC family!! Jameson is adorable and a lucky boy to have such great parents.

Posted by: Peaches at May 06, 2015 04:35 PM (EgOr3)

206 Late to the party, but loved reading this, you are a great storyteller CAC! Thanks for sharing a little bit of your lives with the proud Horde, aka that weird extended fam that everyone has and pretends doesn't exist, hah. Congrats again to you, your lovely wife and Jameson!

And I love, LOVE the elephant themed mobile, hah.

Posted by: LizLem at May 06, 2015 04:35 PM (yRwC8)

207 Don't teach him to talk. Don't ever do it. They are so much sweeter when they just babble. I have three. I speak from experience.

Posted by: Old Hob at May 06, 2015 04:47 PM (VRc/p)

208 What a beautiful baby and oh, how I needed that story after an eternity of the dirty political war our world has become.

Posted by: katya the designated driver at May 06, 2015 04:48 PM (WlQGZ)

209 The threat may have been usurped by another but I'm still posting....

Congratulations!

Three is a magic number!

Posted by: GatorGirl at May 06, 2015 04:54 PM (Twf4a)

210 Congratulations.

Life will never be the same. In a good way. From those of us who have children, well, we get it. Hang in there.

Take care and God Bless.

Posted by: Insert Clever Name Here at May 06, 2015 04:57 PM (XMX7O)

211 Great story and conrgrats from NJ!!
Much health and happiness to the new family.

Posted by: LH_PSU at May 06, 2015 06:23 PM (rT59o)

212 Should have had the baby at home, with a midwife present.

Posted by: SgtBob at May 06, 2015 07:17 PM (OhZks)

213 So happy for y'all! As a woman and a mother, it's a sweet thing to read a Daddy's perspective on the birth of his baby. . . I pray you will enjoy and remember these days with fondness. Best health your little one and his precious mother!

Posted by: Em at May 06, 2015 07:29 PM (26e2V)

214 Huzzah to you, Erinn, and Jameson. A heartwarming story. Thanks.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at May 06, 2015 07:32 PM (u82oZ)

215 Congrats to you and Erinn! He is a future heartbreaker!

Be sure to take tons of pictures. You won't believe how fast babies can change in a week. Never pass up a chance to get some of funny poses they sleep in. Our favorite was the tiny little butt in the air position we nicknamed "stinkbug". No idea how that could have been comfortable, but our kids loved it.

-----------------------------------

And yeah....no c-section story is complete without someone telling you that you to have the next one or two outside the hospital, because a repeat c-section is the worst thing evah. *eyeroll*

(Repeat offender here. Both in the hospital, both via c section. First one saved my boy, second saved me & my girl. Thank God for OB's and nurses, even the ones with crappy bedside manner.)

Posted by: bigpinkfluffybunny at May 06, 2015 07:37 PM (h8UWI)

216 I promise, it's the ride of your life and you'll enjoy every moment of it! Give him siblings if it's in the cards and lots of close friends if it isn't. And give those kids all of your heart too. And just wait until he's a grown up..... and you realize how short the journey really was.

Posted by: 2nd Amemdment Mother at May 06, 2015 07:42 PM (YiRka)

217 Congratulations Mom and Dad; he's beautiful.

Nice comparison of the umbilical cord to "The Thing". You really know how to kill a sentimental moment. I thought the husbands who insisted on videotaping every intimate part of birth were bad.

One tip; the worst part of a C-section comes with the recovery. Cutting in that area of the body creates limitations for a time. They don't always warn you about that first trip to the bathroom. Also, she will need a boost to sit up from a prone position. One way is To tie a rope to the foot of the bed, which she can use to pull herself upwards.

Wishing you both many years of joy with your new baby.

Posted by: I'd rather be surfin at May 06, 2015 07:43 PM (IdJnc)

218 Ace,

Welcome to the sleepless, moneyless, worrisome state called Parenthood! Word of advise, so take note early, YOU, your SPOUSE at the age the fruit of your loins turns 13 will consider you the two stupidest people on the earth bar none. When that same fruit reaches 23 or so and starts writing their own checks your IQ gains a 100 points. In between its a losing cause.

Moral: Force them to start writing checks early.

Posted by: JohnMc at May 06, 2015 08:07 PM (RHBWt)

219 Awesome. Rock on, young Jameson.

Posted by: Penultimatum at May 06, 2015 08:34 PM (EEUs4)

220 Fantastic. Amazing. First sight of firstborn, man there ain't nothing else like it in the world.

"He smiles at us while he poops."
Yeah, that too.

Posted by: LCMS Rulz! at May 06, 2015 09:56 PM (TqyFL)

221 and you will continue to be richly blessed.

Posted by: Melissa In Texas at May 06, 2015 10:03 PM (e+0I7)

222 What a wonderful post.

And now you have the most important reason of all to keep fighting.

God bless.

Posted by: Beverly at May 07, 2015 12:23 AM (m8KZL)

223 Congrats! He is a beautiful little guy!

Posted by: Beverly at May 07, 2015 10:34 AM (gnajR)

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