See You In Dabiq [OregonMuse]

Jobs for ISIS cartoon.jpg

So, last Friday night, after eating way too much bacon and way too many chocolate chip cookies, and washing it all down with more Valu-Rite than is good for me, I ~~passed out in a drunken stupor~~ fell asleep in front of my computer while I was reading Graeme Wood's excellent article on what ISIS really wants that has been referenced in a number of earlier threads here. Particularly the part where he describes how the seemingly insigificant (to us) city of Dabiq in Syria in reality looms very large in the apocalyptic imaginations of the ISIS theoriticians and I remember thinking how odd this is, and then as I teetered back and forth in a dream-like state between consciousness and unconsciousness, I heard that the 2016 elections were over and Scott Walker had won a great victory.

And at his first press conference, some reporter asked him about ISIS. "Bunch of pussies" President Walker replied, a look of supreme contempt on his face. "They may think they're all tough and shit when beheading teenaged boys or setting women on fire, but put any of those flaccid cowards up against a U.S. Marine and they'll lift up their skirts and go crying back to mama, guaranteed."

Another reporter asked Walker if such a statement is exactly what ISIS wants, and that it would play into their hands. The President's look of contempt turned to disgust. "Play? They won't be able to play anything after I'm through with them, because they'll be dead. I'm calling every one of those delicate petunias out - on Easter Sunday, units of the Unites States Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines will converge on the plains of Dabiq (that's in Syria for all of you journos who didn't bother to learn geography), where we'll be opening an extra large can of whoop-ass on their sorry jihadi butts. Although I hate to waste all that firepower. ISIS is such a pathetic bunch of nancy-boys, we could probably take them out with a couple 6-year-old tomboys with BB guns."

Shortly thereafter, the "#TrueFactsAboutISIS" hashtag started showing up on Twitter (and an unproved rumor was that this had been masterminded by Vice-President Jindal) with tweets (helpfully translated into Arabic) such as

"Did You Know that most ISIS brides are extremely disappointed by their husbands' tiny penises?"

"According to scientific research, 75% of all ISIS fighters prefer catching, if you know what we mean (wink)"

"After a hard day of bullying wives and terrifying goats, the men of ISIS like to relax in women's underwear"

Also Secretary of State John Bolton started the "#SeeYouInDabiq" hashtag that consisted of photographs of the men and equipment the United Stares military was assembling, and a countdown to Easter Sunday.

Whipped up into a frothing red rage, ISIS forces started massing in Dabiq. On all of the social media outlets, ISIS called out to all of its followers, announcing that the apocalypse was immanent, and that the armies of "Rome" would soon be vanquished. More than 12,000 fighters moved out into the fields outside Dabiq on Easter Sunday and waited. At precisely 12 noon local time, the battlefield was rocked by one massive explosion, followed by a second, that completely obliterated the ISIS army - except for a few staggering outliers who looked like Wile E. Coyote after an Acme Jet-Pak failure.

Nobody knew what caused the explosions, although there were rumors of a stealth bomber flying over the battlefield, too high to be seen, that released two precision-guided tactical battlefield nukes.

But the American forces were nowhere present.

When asked to explain the absence of American military in Dabiq, White House Press Secretary Ann Coulter smacked her forehead and said, "Wait a minute, did you say Dabiq? We thought it was Dubuque. Oh, crap, we sent an entire carrier group to Iowa, and it's been sitting there waiting the whole time. Whoops, sorry. Our bad."

Posted by: Open Blogger at 09:03 PM

Comments

(Jump to bottom of comments)

1 Is there anybody out there ?

Posted by: Pink floyd at February 28, 2015 09:06 PM (0gjMe)

2 No

Posted by: uh huh at February 28, 2015 09:08 PM (HpYXA)

3 Your lips move. But I can't hear what your saying

Posted by: Pink floyd at February 28, 2015 09:09 PM (0gjMe)

4 Bacon and chocolate chip cookies?

Posted by: Ever at February 28, 2015 09:09 PM (QZdJj)

5 I want to move to that world. It seems sane.

Posted by: Spad13 at February 28, 2015 09:10 PM (rEGJC)

6 I volunteer to help John Kerry put on his *magic* hat and kick him out the chopper door so that he beats Brian Williams to the screen.

Posted by: gmac at February 28, 2015 09:11 PM (74McK)

7 I'd just like to state proudly that I made that dancing girl reverse direction. But no way are those blocks next to the green cylinder the same color.

Posted by: uh huh at February 28, 2015 09:11 PM (HpYXA)

8 How does someone writing in the Atlantic know what the Islamic state really wants?

Doesn't anyone at the Atlantic know how the Bell Curve works?

Take a large group of people, ask them "What do you want?" Tabulate the replies.

It's evolution. It's science.

Posted by: Mr. Mordun at February 28, 2015 09:11 PM (Nk7jv)

9 These guys are uh totally like uh JV and stuff, which is uh why we'll be uh sending them an uh undisclosed sum of uh dollars to not behead our uh troops we didn't uh send into uh Iraq.

Posted by: Barko Bama at February 28, 2015 09:12 PM (Q819Q)

10 STOP IT WITH THE TAUNTING!

*runs off sobbing*

Posted by: alexthechick - What's that freezing rain? Sure why not. at February 28, 2015 09:12 PM (IrByp)

11 Bravo, Mr. Oregon Muse.

Ace-esque writing there.

Posted by: L, Elle at February 28, 2015 09:12 PM (44Kmm)

12 Oh, the reconquest of Mosul in Iraq has been called off. The Iraqi army won't be ready for combat in the field by then.

Posted by: Mr. Mordun at February 28, 2015 09:14 PM (Nk7jv)

13 Correction, VP Perry.

Posted by: Nip Sip at February 28, 2015 09:14 PM (0FSuD)

14 #BeheadingThePeopleThatAmericansRefuseToBehead

Posted by: Jen Psocki at February 28, 2015 09:15 PM (Dwehj)

15 Lol.

I prefer your version of reality to the one I currently inhabit.

Posted by: rickl at February 28, 2015 09:15 PM (sdi6R)

16 *strongly considers adding bacon and chocolate chip cookies to my next drunken binge*

Posted by: GnuBreed at February 28, 2015 09:15 PM (Rybx/)

17 I new thread when we were within eight posts of having a gun thread.

Cruel I tell you cruel

Posted by: Nip Sip at February 28, 2015 09:15 PM (0FSuD)

18 I'll give all those smelly jihadis a job pushing up daisies, right after I teach their grandmothers to suck eggs.

Posted by: Sgt. Hampsterdance at February 28, 2015 09:15 PM (SOf+k)

19 I heard ISIS is selling their beheaded heads for organ transplants.

Posted by: Nip Sip at February 28, 2015 09:16 PM (0FSuD)

20 John Bolton, Sec of State? THAT would be epic.

Posted by: Nip Sip at February 28, 2015 09:17 PM (0FSuD)

21 3 Your lips move. But I can't hear what your saying
Posted by: Pink floyd at February 28, 2015 09:09 PM (0gjMe)

My hands feel just like two balloons.

Posted by: Insomniac at February 28, 2015 09:17 PM (0lfHk)

22 I may have peed my pants. Somebody hold me, please, he's talking like a monster.

Posted by: John Boehner at February 28, 2015 09:19 PM (FcR7P)

23 Scurrilous lies.

I'd never start a hashtag campaign.

I would just slay them all with my 'stache.

Posted by: John Bolton at February 28, 2015 09:19 PM (OVx7B)

24 Most members of ISIS can carry a gallon jug inside their rectums--and do.

Posted by: TrueFactsAboutISIS at February 28, 2015 09:19 PM (MYPM9)

25 I eat dabiq, da feathers...the whole damned bird.

Posted by: Mikey Moore at February 28, 2015 09:20 PM (Dwehj)

26 genius. comic genius.

Posted by: retropox at February 28, 2015 09:20 PM (/GLNl)

27 >>> 21 3 Your lips move. But I can't hear what your saying
Posted by: Pink floyd at February 28, 2015 09:09 PM (0gjMe)

My hands feel just like two balloons.
Posted by: Insomniac at February 28, 2015 09:17 PM (0lfHk)

Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand

(Doing my part here to keep this thread alive)
Insomniac, still at the party?

Posted by: L, Elle at February 28, 2015 09:21 PM (44Kmm)

28 I like the way this fucker thinks.

Posted by: BCochran1981 - Credible Hulk at February 28, 2015 09:22 PM (GEICT)

29 When I was a child

I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye

Posted by: weirdflunkyonatablet at February 28, 2015 09:23 PM (TlarD)

30
I

Have become

Comfortably dumb.

Posted by: LIV at February 28, 2015 09:23 PM (JdEZJ)

31 Great, now we'll have to spend a whole week with the MFM breathlessly asking all our candidates, "Do you support the words of Scott Walker in this weekend's OregonMuse dream sequence?"

Posted by: t-bird at February 28, 2015 09:24 PM (FcR7P)

32
My wife and I dined in Manhattan with Tom and his wife this evening, and we all had delicious baked narwahl, twice baked potatoes, and a great Chilean wine. For dessert, we feasted on baked Alaska, with a dollop of sweet cream as we discussed the futile efforts of republican's to win the presidency.

Yes, it's a clown circus being led by John Boehner and Billy Barty!

Posted by: Brian Williams at February 28, 2015 09:24 PM (P330y)

33 #JustAnotherBrick

Posted by: Jen Psocki at February 28, 2015 09:24 PM (Dwehj)

34
Where's my strap-on bitch?

Posted by: Rosie O'Donnell at February 28, 2015 09:25 PM (P330y)

35 Cut, jub, newsletter.

Posted by: Old Blue at February 28, 2015 09:26 PM (AxABj)

36 NY Slime editorial now suggesting that requiring Obamacare to follow the written law is baloney.

They never cease to amaze me.

Posted by: Nip Sip at February 28, 2015 09:26 PM (0FSuD)

37 President Walker, VP Jindahl, Bolton, Coulter: OM you are a tease and that's not nice! (The post is also frickin' hilarious.)

Posted by: JTB at February 28, 2015 09:26 PM (FvdPb)

38 Jub?
WTF?

Posted by: Old Blue at February 28, 2015 09:26 PM (AxABj)

39 Jub jub.

Posted by: freaked at February 28, 2015 09:26 PM (JdEZJ)

40 One of the most beautiful things in the world is the silenced call to prayer over Dabiq.

Posted by: ObjectionSustained at February 28, 2015 09:26 PM (Ip7OR)

41 Kinda funny, except the thing to do once they assembled and were waiting would be to have a few B-52's fly overhead - entirely manned by female crews - and drop fuel air bombs on the bastards.

Being killed by a woman = no virgins, in their fucked up mythology. You kill the bulk of their fighting forces in that kind of way, and a lot of the rest are going to go "fuck this shit, I'm outta here."

Posted by: Cato at February 28, 2015 09:26 PM (3HxZe)

42 Ya'll are screwing up the damn lyrics. Out of order.

Whatever, still works

Posted by: L, Elle at February 28, 2015 09:27 PM (44Kmm)

43 100% of ISIS men polled agreed that goat sex is the best sex.

Posted by: TrueFactsAboutISIS at February 28, 2015 09:27 PM (MYPM9)

44
I jubbed her up the rear and she liked it!

Posted by: Uncle Si at February 28, 2015 09:28 PM (P330y)

45 Dear, Lord. If only...

Posted by: Art Cognomen, Bourbon Enthusiast at February 28, 2015 09:28 PM (zfw24)

46 Don't jub me bro!

Posted by: freaked at February 28, 2015 09:28 PM (JdEZJ)

47 Pleasantly Numb is my favorite Beach Boys song.

Posted by: Jhon Carry at February 28, 2015 09:29 PM (Q819Q)

48 Serious question, and it's related to the topic.

How would Teh Horde re-write the First Amendment, so as to proscribe muhammyism from being taught, preached or practiced here in the USA?

And do so in such a way that doesn't open the door or kick all of us Bitter Clingers down a well-greased, slippery slope.

I'll wager that the Morons here will come up with better and more useable solutions than anyone inside the Beltway of Bewilderment which is the D.C.-esspool.

Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim at February 28, 2015 09:29 PM (RzZOc)

49 Hands up, don't jub!

Posted by: L, Elle at February 28, 2015 09:30 PM (44Kmm)

50 Mark Levin finished his talk with "KILL ISIS"

Posted by: Bob from table9 at February 28, 2015 09:30 PM (WNERA)

51 100% of ISIS men polled agreed that goat sex is the best sex.
Posted by: TrueFactsAboutISIS
-----

27% of registered Democrats agreed.

Posted by: Turd Ferguson at February 28, 2015 09:30 PM (MYPM9)

52
I've jubbed Big Bronco on many occasions, and he digs my love stick!

Posted by: Reggie Love at February 28, 2015 09:30 PM (P330y)

53 I turned to look but it was gone

I can not put my finger on it now

The child has grown the dream is gone

I have become

Posted by: weirdflunkyonatablet at February 28, 2015 09:30 PM (TlarD)

54 #ThreeMenInAJub

Posted by: Jen Psocki at February 28, 2015 09:30 PM (Dwehj)

55 Left this in the last thread, just before it died, on ideas for future RedEye hosts.

I'd love to see Gavin host, but y'all are right, the
pucker factor by the Fox brass would be off the charts every time he
opens his mouth.

I like the Bonnie McFarlane idea.

Sherrod is pretty funny when he's on. Though he can be a liiiiiiiitle overbearing.

I'd also like to through out there Sonnie Johnson. Love her to death when she's on the show.

But forgot about the President of RedEye... John Bolton. He could host the show!

Posted by: John Bolton for RedEye at February 28, 2015 09:30 PM (OVx7B)

56 Pleasantly Numb is my favorite Beach Boys song.

Huh. I always thought that was by Corey Taylor and the Slipknots. Those loveable scamps from bucolic Iowa.

Posted by: Art Cognomen, Bourbon Enthusiast at February 28, 2015 09:31 PM (zfw24)

57 Comfortably jub.

Posted by: freaked at February 28, 2015 09:31 PM (JdEZJ)

58 How would Teh Horde re-write the First Amendment

No need. Enforce the laws.

Posted by: t-bird at February 28, 2015 09:31 PM (FcR7P)

59
I will be substitute hosting Red Eye on the weekends.

Posted by: Jen Psaki at February 28, 2015 09:31 PM (P330y)

60 WH Press Secretary Ann Coulter--that's the best laugh I've had all week!

Posted by: Kevin Canuck at February 28, 2015 09:32 PM (Hlv/w)

61 Posted by: Jim at February 28, 2015 09:29 PM (RzZOc)

Just as you can't yell fire in a crowded theater, you can't call for the death of the non-believers. The same laws that cover the former should also cover the latter. No new revisions required.

Posted by: Cato at February 28, 2015 09:32 PM (3HxZe)

62 Nah, can't use the tactical nukes because it would really increase gorebull enwarmening. John F'n Kerry said so.
Although, we could really use some gorebull enwarmening right now. Neighbor across the street has at least a ten foot icicle hanging just off his front door. Cool, but potentially harmful.

Posted by: Old Blue at February 28, 2015 09:32 PM (AxABj)

63
I love red eye, even when it's attached to Betty White.

Posted by: Abe Vigoda at February 28, 2015 09:32 PM (P330y)

64 I once commanded a jubmarine.

Posted by: Admiral Akbar at February 28, 2015 09:32 PM (Dwehj)

65 I have become comfortably numb.

Okay
Just a little pin prick
There'll be no more aaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick

Posted by: L, Elle at February 28, 2015 09:33 PM (44Kmm)

66 There is no pain

You are receding

Posted by: weirdflunkyonatablet at February 28, 2015 09:34 PM (TlarD)

67 7 I'd just like to state proudly that I made that dancing girl reverse direction.

**

Not me, maybe because I couldn't take my eyes off that magnificent rack.

Posted by: Noam Sayen at February 28, 2015 09:35 PM (HFSaY)

68 Huh. I always thought that was by Corey Taylor and the Slipknots. Those loveable scamps from bucolic Iowa.
Roxette's cover was better.

Posted by: Jhon Carry at February 28, 2015 09:35 PM (Q819Q)

69 Jub-Jub.

Posted by: Chief Chirpa at February 28, 2015 09:35 PM (X1rEV)

70 A distant ship's smoke on the horizon

Posted by: weirdflunkyonatablet at February 28, 2015 09:35 PM (TlarD)

71 I will be substitute hosting Red Eye on the weekends.
Posted by: Jen Psaki

---

Correction--Jen will be hosting PINK Eye.

Posted by: Turd Ferguson at February 28, 2015 09:35 PM (MYPM9)

72 I'll be in my bunk.

Posted by: Patvann at February 28, 2015 09:35 PM (wIHcE)

73 >>>Correction--Jen will be hosting PINK Eye.

Posted by: Turd Ferguson at February 28, 2015 09:35 PM (MYPM9)<<<

Over my tiny dead body.

Posted by: Bob Costass at February 28, 2015 09:36 PM (OVx7B)

74 Can you stand up?

Brb, can't remember the rest.

* listening to my favorite sad Pink Floyd song *

Posted by: L, Elle at February 28, 2015 09:36 PM (44Kmm)

75 Yeah, so I was in Dabiq and decided to find out what all the fuss was a about goat sex. I picked one out of the goat pen and began my foray into the ways of exotic pleasures when my hosts, Achmed and Mahmoud, started laughing their asses off. I asked what the hell was so funny. They both pointed at me and in glee shouted, "You picked the ugliest one!"

Posted by: ObjectionSustained at February 28, 2015 09:37 PM (Ip7OR)

76 Correction--Jen will be hosting PINK Eye.

I saw Bob Costas open as the host for Pink Eye at the Olympics .

Posted by: tbodie at February 28, 2015 09:37 PM (tHAoL)

77 Re-write the 1st Amendment? Why? Just ignore the damn thing when it gets in your way.

Posted by: Pres'nt Obama at February 28, 2015 09:37 PM (MYPM9)

78 I do believe it's working

Good

Posted by: weirdflunkyonatablet at February 28, 2015 09:37 PM (TlarD)

79
I ate two dogs at Pink's this afternoon and may have seen an ass that looked like the one attached to Pipa Middleton. Pipa has a great ass!

Posted by: Arnold the Schwartzenpregger at February 28, 2015 09:37 PM (P330y)

80 (prog rock lyrics, eh? ok then)

"And the meek shall inherit the earth."

"The massive grey walls of the Temples rise from the
Heart of every Federation city. I have always been awed
By them, to think that every single facet of every life is
Regulated and directed from within! Our books, our music, Our work and play are all looked after by the benevolent Wisdom of the priests"

Posted by: puddleglum@work at February 28, 2015 09:38 PM (20X6f)

81 "Just a little pin prick"

That's what Achmed said...

Posted by: The Goat at February 28, 2015 09:39 PM (MYPM9)

82
Has anyone ever had sex with a willing penguin?

Posted by: Fernando Llamas at February 28, 2015 09:40 PM (P330y)

83 Not to rain on anyone's parade, but I'm sure they'd show up with thousands of hostages.....which is why you'd need to drop tens-of-thousands of autonomous anti-weapon robots on the town -- so that anyone who so much as picks up a bread-knife gets shot. I'm guessing their schtick doesn't last too long when they are as disarmed as the people they wish to prey upon....

Posted by: cthulhu at February 28, 2015 09:40 PM (T1005)

84 Has anyone ever had sex with a willing penguin?

-----

Willing? No.

Posted by: Bill Clinton at February 28, 2015 09:41 PM (MYPM9)

85 Just read a story about 1948 floor in Portland OR. Next time those hippies up there "get on their high horse" mention this little historical fact to them.

When Oregon was admitted to the United States in 1859, it was the only
state whosestate constitution explicitly forbade black people from
living, working or owning property within its borders

Posted by: Nip Sip at February 28, 2015 09:41 PM (0FSuD)

86
Achmed is an asshole!

Posted by: Walter at February 28, 2015 09:41 PM (P330y)

87 Posted by: puddleglum@work at February 28, 2015 09:38 PM (20X6f)

Man, I was such a tool back in the 70s.

Posted by: Neal Peart at February 28, 2015 09:42 PM (Q819Q)

88 Has anyone ever had sex with a willing penguin?

----

For the right price...

Posted by: Chilly Willing the Penguin at February 28, 2015 09:42 PM (MYPM9)

89 ...and a great Chilean wine.

OK, now I'm calling BS

Posted by: Kindltot at February 28, 2015 09:42 PM (t//F+)

90 You want goats?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlYlNF30bVg

Posted by: Mr. Mordun at February 28, 2015 09:42 PM (Nk7jv)

91 The Iraqi's really don't want to have a country.

What is this "not ready" crap?

They have, as I understand it, an actual army with soldiers and what-not. And an assortment of weapons. You'd think they'd have figured out the pointy end by now and were more or less ready to go to work. But no.

If, say, even such a write-off as Brattleboro, Vermont were to be overrun by the likes of ISIS, one would not have to wait for three Sundays from now for every red-blooded male under the age of 70 in this country to throw the AR and three cases of beer in the trunk and head directly towards the sound of fighting. We would be done before Brian Williams had lifted his reddened, puffy eyes from his hypo-allegergenic, silk-enshrouded pillow that day. All of us would, in fact, still make it home in time to complete our regularly scheduled work duties and satisfy our women repeatedly before retiring to our well-deserved rest that evening.

But Iraq can't scrape together a plan by Easter?

Posted by: TexasDan at February 28, 2015 09:42 PM (+fJ+k)

92 A little mood music:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBLnOlzowYY

Posted by: The Political Bomb at February 28, 2015 09:43 PM (0Ew3K)

93 Oregon Muse - sounds like you had too much ValueRIte tonight too. Instead of Lee Ermy, I want to hear David Petraus' measured, confident and professional military tone - or better yet - Stormin' Norman !!

Posted by: PLINY THE ELDER at February 28, 2015 09:44 PM (i5wUE)

94
The problem with cow sex is the great distance. First it's the kiss then you run to the rear for a little penis-vag action, then kiss, then penis-vag, then kiss and you're exhausted from the running and humping.

Posted by: Billy Bob from Arkansas at February 28, 2015 09:44 PM (P330y)

95 But Iraq can't scrape together a plan by Easter?

----

Haven't finished my third cup of tea yet.

Posted by: Iraqi at February 28, 2015 09:45 PM (MYPM9)

96 Has anyone ever had sex with a willing penguin?

Posted by: Fernando Llamas at February 28, 2015 09:40 PM (P330y)

No.

http://tinyurl.com/pffumfs

Posted by: The Rape Seal at February 28, 2015 09:45 PM (0Ew3K)

97 The lunatic is in my head

[huh huh huh huh huh]
[hee hee hee hee hee]

Posted by: antisocial justice beatnik at February 28, 2015 09:45 PM (+FyX1)

98 Has anyone ever had sex with a willing penguin?

Uhm. Let's just say that Preparation H does not cure all that ails ya'.

Posted by: ObjectionSustained at February 28, 2015 09:45 PM (Ip7OR)

99 You want goats?

----

What a silly question!

Posted by: Achmed at February 28, 2015 09:46 PM (MYPM9)

100 What is "vag"?

Also, "kissing".

Posted by: Achmed at February 28, 2015 09:47 PM (MYPM9)

101
I like goat sex, but we only eat the ugly one's and not the beauties.

Posted by: Achmed the Arabian at February 28, 2015 09:47 PM (P330y)

102 it's clawplach on Startrek! don't ask, although the bim is kind of hot.

Posted by: mallfly at February 28, 2015 09:48 PM (QZVz5)

103 #88
Been a dog's age since I've had a Penguin, so ahh, what is the right price there - Chilly Willing the Penguin?

Posted by: PLINY THE ELDER at February 28, 2015 09:48 PM (i5wUE)

104 Ow my balls!

Posted by: The Goat at February 28, 2015 09:48 PM (MYPM9)

105 >>>> I want to hear David Petraus' measured, confident and professional military tone

I may be wrong entirely on this but didnt Patreus rewrite the ROE to handicap our soldiers with bullshit PC muzzie loving crap? Was it him or the general that got his ass fired by Rolling Stone?

Don't know, don't remember. Honestly asking

Posted by: L, Elle at February 28, 2015 09:49 PM (44Kmm)

106 101 - How do you define "eat"? Goat Butt good as most JIhadi women. They wear veils for a reason!

Posted by: JIHADI JOHN at February 28, 2015 09:50 PM (i5wUE)

107 PLINY THE ELDER, send me a photo and we'll talk price.

Posted by: Chilly Willing the Penguin at February 28, 2015 09:51 PM (MYPM9)

108 Pretty much all of the problems of the ME can be traced back, IIRC, the Balfour declaration. Once Turkey and the caliphate had been defeated in WWI, Britain split up the ME on their terms. Iraq, tribal for centuries, was now a country as was Syria (French colony) Palestine (now a Brit colony) and Saudi Arabia. The Saudi's got screwed and hated it. They thought that they would get much more.

Posted by: Old Blue at February 28, 2015 09:52 PM (AxABj)

109 Sharia Law is how rapists divvy up the spoils of plunder without needlessly murdering their own.

Posted by: Fritz at February 28, 2015 09:53 PM (dVmLD)

110 penguins are practically chicken.

Posted by: mallfly at February 28, 2015 09:53 PM (QZVz5)

111
My wife Fatima has a beautiful mustache, but I never kiss her because I prefer to stroke her dick.

Posted by: Achmed the Arabian at February 28, 2015 09:53 PM (P330y)

112 I was assaulted by a devout jihadi but I didn't even know the little pencil dick was back there.

Posted by: The Goat With the Long Eyelashes at February 28, 2015 09:55 PM (DajPN)

113 When asked about the action, the Secretary of the recently renamed Department of War, Allen West commented, "A shame, really" When asked to elaborate, the Secretary commented that he had argued with the President against what he saw as a half-measure; "I mean, salt that area with plutonium and Islam won't be a problem again until around the time the Sun burns out." He did admit however, that the President had the final word.

Posted by: algore at February 28, 2015 09:56 PM (B+ujR)

114 The article is the most beautiful thing I have read all week. What a vision for future that could be...

Posted by: Rabban at February 28, 2015 09:56 PM (t1z98)

115 Posted by: The Goat With the Long Eyelashes

---

I kill you!

Posted by: Pencil-dicked Jihadi at February 28, 2015 09:56 PM (MYPM9)

116 105 - Read "THE STRONGEST TRIBE" and see the truth. Liberals have gone a long way to discredit a hero - including paying off Congressional staff to ensure his microphone failed at the beginning of his testimony before Congress, replete with screaming protesters at that very moment. That must have set Soros back a million in bribes and intimidation to choreograph that one - televised before the world wide.

Posted by: PLINY THE ELDER at February 28, 2015 09:57 PM (i5wUE)

117 75 "You picked the ugliest one!"

Well, yeah - but they're the most grateful.

Posted by: algore at February 28, 2015 09:58 PM (B+ujR)

118 The article is the most beautiful thing I have read all week.

You know what was missing? The press going over to act as "human shields".

Posted by: t-bird at February 28, 2015 09:58 PM (FcR7P)

119 My wife Fatima has a beautiful mustache, but I never kiss her because I prefer to stroke her dick.
Posted by: Achmed the Arabian
----

That's MY wife. Fatima, you beautiful whore!

Posted by: Mohammed Mohammad at February 28, 2015 09:59 PM (MYPM9)

120 Pretty much all of the problems of the ME can be traced back, IIRC, the Balfour declaration.

See, here's what I don't get. A lot of people say that. However, if you were to blame any problems in Eastern Europe on the breakup of the Austrian Hungarian Empire as opposed to the modern countries involved, I don't think that would fly.

I'll say up front I haven't fully thought this out, but (for the sake of the argument) it's also possible things were calmer there pre-WWI because 1. there wasn't much to fight over and 2. there wasn't much money to fund a fight.

Posted by: AD at February 28, 2015 10:00 PM (pXB1a)

121 107 Chilly Willing the Penguin

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=pliny+the+elder

Here, now how much?

Posted by: PLINY THE ELDER at February 28, 2015 10:01 PM (i5wUE)

122 And then the goat reached up and gave him a kiss.

The Juror, A good goat will do that.

You know the joke.

Posted by: Nip Sip at February 28, 2015 10:02 PM (0FSuD)

123 The problems go back to a bowl of pottage, IIRC.

Posted by: Turd Ferguson at February 28, 2015 10:02 PM (MYPM9)

124

The child is grown,
The dream is gone.

Posted by: toby928(C) says call me Odysseus at February 28, 2015 10:03 PM (rwI+c)

125 fap fap fap fap fap fap fap....

Posted by: Master Baiter at February 28, 2015 10:05 PM (VvTTg)

126
When Oregon was admitted to the United States in 1859, it was the only

state whosestate constitution explicitly forbade black people from

living, working or owning property within its borders
Posted by: Nip Sip at February 28, 2015 09:41 PM (0FSuD)

Oregon was settled by people getting out of northern and southern states, a lot of them were small farmers that couldn't compete against gang slavery operated plantations, others that were bugging out of Kansas and Missouri, and a lot that just wanted to be left out of the brewing war.

Because of that they really wanted nothing to do with the problem that was caused by slavery and they felt the exclusion of slaves was the best compromise they could make. And at that the constitution was more lenient than the original constitution of the Provisional government.

Posted by: Kindltot at February 28, 2015 10:05 PM (t//F+)

127 Here, now how much?
Posted by: PLINY THE ELDER

I love a beard. Special discount, three barrels of mackerel and 14 smooth, round stones for my nest.

Posted by: Chilly Willing the Penguin at February 28, 2015 10:05 PM (MYPM9)

128 You can't kill ISIS. That's what they want.

Posted by: Melissa Harness-Puller at February 28, 2015 10:07 PM (W5DcG)

129 Nip, if you are interested in Oregon floods, read about the 1861 flood.

Posted by: Kindltot at February 28, 2015 10:08 PM (t//F+)

130 You got it! Call me at 1800PLINY. We'll have a hot time in Pompeii !!

Posted by: PLINY THE ELDER at February 28, 2015 10:08 PM (i5wUE)

131
Sparky the goat, Achmed, and Reggie Love walk into a leather bar.

Posted by: Mohammad the Molester at February 28, 2015 10:08 PM (P330y)

132 Because of that they really wanted nothing to do
with the problem that was caused by slavery and they felt the exclusion
of slaves was the best compromise they could make. And at that the
constitution was more lenient than the original constitution of the
Provisional government.

Posted by: Kindltot at February 28, 2015 10:05 PM (t//F+)

Until 1927 Blacks could not own property in the state. I think slavery had been over a long time. Try again.

Posted by: Nip Sip at February 28, 2015 10:08 PM (0FSuD)

133 You can't kill ISIS. That's what they want.

Everybody goes home a winner!

Posted by: t-bird at February 28, 2015 10:10 PM (FcR7P)

134
I'll say up front I haven't fully thought this out, but (for the sake of the argument) it's also possible things were calmer there pre-WWI because 1. there wasn't much to fight over and 2. there wasn't much money to fund a fight.
Posted by: AD at February 28, 2015 10:00 PM (pXB1a)

In the years immediately prior to WWI, the Ottoman Empire was called the "Sick Man of Europe". It was pretty moribund by that time.

In earlier centuries, it was vigorous and aggressive. It expanded into Eastern Europe and threatened Vienna at least twice.

But then Western Civilization entered the Industrial Age, and that left the Muslims in the dust. They became an irrelevant backwater until the discovery of oil under their lands, which caused an enormous infusion of money.

Posted by: rickl at February 28, 2015 10:10 PM (sdi6R)

135 Point, that's a little far for me. Can you meet me farther south? Like...Antarctica south?

Posted by: Chilly Willing the Penguin at February 28, 2015 10:10 PM (MYPM9)

136 OOpps - the volcano is sounding pretty bad tonight! Pliny the Younger thinks I should leave Pompeii. What a little wuss my nephew is!

Posted by: PLINY THE ELDER at February 28, 2015 10:10 PM (i5wUE)

137 Pliny, not Point.

Posted by: Chilly Willing the Penguin at February 28, 2015 10:10 PM (MYPM9)

138 Here's the story about 1948 OR flood from the Smithsonian. Fascinating.

http://tinyurl.com/pa3m38f

Posted by: Nip Sip at February 28, 2015 10:10 PM (0FSuD)

139 >>>When Oregon was admitted to the United States in 1859, it was the only state whose state constitution explicitly forbade black people from living, working or owning property within its borders<<<

That's gotta be worth 800+ years of reparations.

Posted by: Fritz at February 28, 2015 10:11 PM (dVmLD)

140 Pliny the Younger, you say....

Just remembered, I have to wash my feathers.

Posted by: Chilly Willing the Penguin at February 28, 2015 10:12 PM (MYPM9)

141
When Balfour was done, the Saudis weren't exactly a powerful force with lots of options to impose their will. Far from it. So I don't think much today's trouble stems from any link between Saudi resentment and Balfour's outlines.

As for the Iraqi army, remember how we got here.

US occupation was far too short, not near enough time to help instill some professionalism deep enough to over-come the regional/sect divisionsor to build what barely exists in most Third World militaries - links of trust and responsibility up and down the chain of command.

The first administration of a sovereign Iraq was sort of Mirror Universe Konrad Adenauer Admin. - that is, the worst possible kind for a new country. Did nothing to build a national army and did everything to worsen things: tolerated corrupt irresponsible commanders, tolerated Shi'a abuses and Sunni alienation.

Even the key pillar of a US presence was gone, thanks to no SOFA and of course the current US govt. simply walking away from Iraq.

So when the ISIS thing started, there was no real, capable Iraqi national army ready to fight. Commanders abandoned troops, troops abandoned posts, nobody has confidence in each other, Sunnis in Anbar (enough, anyway) deciding to pretend to go along with ISIS for the moment (strong horse).

Posted by: rhomboid at February 28, 2015 10:15 PM (afQnV)

142 Sparky the goat, Achmed, and Reggie Love walk into a leather bar.

----

Fap fap fap fap...

Posted by: Pres'nt Obama at February 28, 2015 10:15 PM (MYPM9)

143 What a sock fest.....

Posted by: Guy that just said "What a sock fest..." at February 28, 2015 10:16 PM (UMBjg)

144 immanent or imminent? I guess both would work.

Posted by: jim at February 28, 2015 10:17 PM (VwhRo)

145 What a sock fest....
_____

No it's not!

Posted by: Guy who has a tube sock in his pants at February 28, 2015 10:18 PM (MYPM9)

146 When Oregon was admitted to the United States in 1859, it was the only state whose state constitution explicitly forbade black people from living, working or owning property within its borders

*types*

*deletes*

Posted by: rickl at February 28, 2015 10:19 PM (sdi6R)

147 What a sock fest....

I'm list--oh, I thought you said SUCK fest. Never mind.

Posted by: Achmed at February 28, 2015 10:20 PM (MYPM9)

148 Political fanfiction? Nice job OregonMuse!

Posted by: LizLem at February 28, 2015 10:22 PM (DfBUG)

149 ONT nood

Posted by: The Political Hat at February 28, 2015 10:22 PM (0Ew3K)

150 "*types*

*deletes*"

Oh. Oh. Hooh. Oh. Oh boy.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at February 28, 2015 10:23 PM (UMBjg)

151 When Oregon was admitted to the United States in 1859, it was the only state whose state constitution explicitly forbade black people from living, working or owning property within its borders.

----

Yeah, but we passed that law ironically.

Posted by: Oregon Hipster at February 28, 2015 10:24 PM (MYPM9)

152 ISIS shouldn't immanetize the eschaton.

Posted by: jim at February 28, 2015 10:33 PM (VwhRo)

153 Until 1927 Blacks could not own property in the state. I think slavery had been over a long time. Try again.
Posted by: Nip Sip at February 28, 2015 10:08 PM (0FSuD){/i]

Well, if you want to allow your prejudices and opinions to carry more weight than facts about history please feel free to do so.
If you want something to hate instead, you can point out the early adoption of eugenic principals by the state of Oregon in the operation of the state hospital system (mental hospitals) and the mandatory sterilization of people considered unfit instead. These policies were used in developing similar policies in Germany in the 30's.

But, you want to shout about color and race. Congratulations, you have managed to submerge history to narrative, and enshrine opinion above all understanding of not only where we come from but where that indicates how we got where we are today.
Please allow me to mail to you, at my cost, my share of the internet in homage of your brilliance and deep, comprehensive understanding of this issue. I will go back to watching "Ow My Balls" and try to learn to match your argument style.

But a couple of questions: What point did you think I was saying anything more than that the Oregon Constitution was written originally while the crises that led to the Civil war were heating up?
What point did you think I was saying anything other than it was more lenient on blacks than the original constitution of the Provisional government?
At what point did I say anything other than the people who wrote the constitution of the state of Oregon wanted to prevent the eruption of an issue in their state that was tearing the union apart?

It may have been wrong, it surely is wrong by modern thinking, but we are talking about antebellum politics, which like today, had certain thing that were fashionable, and had certain things that could and could not be done.

Posted by: Kindltot at February 28, 2015 10:51 PM (t//F+)

154

Posted by: Kindltot at February 28, 2015 10:52 PM (t//F+)

155 I will always close that italic thingy.

Posted by: Kindltot at February 28, 2015 10:53 PM (t//F+)

156 *ISIS shouldn't immanetize the eschaton.*

But they should eschew obsfucation!

Posted by: earl t at February 28, 2015 10:56 PM (fpd99)

157 but I'm sure they'd show up with thousands of hostages

***********************

Or, as we call it, collateral damage.

Posted by: Zombie Curtis LeMay at February 28, 2015 11:12 PM (5f5bM)

158 The problem with cow sex is the great distance.
First it's the kiss then you run to the rear for a little penis-vag
action, then kiss, then penis-vag, then kiss and you're exhausted from
the running and humping.

Posted by: Billy Bob from Arkansas at February 28, 2015 09:44 PM (P330y)

**********************
Laid it in there and she said, "mooooooooooooo."

Posted by: Takes a Real Man to Satisfy a Cow at February 28, 2015 11:16 PM (5f5bM)

159 And at his first press conference, some reporter asked him about ISIS.
"Bunch of pussies" President Walker replied, a look of supreme contempt
on his face. "Even worse than you reporter pussies, if that's possible," he continued.

Posted by: Jay Guevara at February 28, 2015 11:59 PM (oKE6c)

160 Brilliant post.

Posted by: WannabeAnglican at March 01, 2015 07:58 AM (vFmT2)

161 That was beautiful, OregunMuse.

Of course, in your dream scenario the 47% would cease to acknowledge that there ever was an ISIS or a Third Iraq War that President Walker had to finish. They'll report how hot it got in Syria, contrary to all the weather and climate models. "Proof of climate change, you denier!"

I'd hate to see you risk your health, but could you have a few more belts of ValuRite and do the Silent Lucidity thing to see how that plays out?

Grazie.

Posted by: FireHorse at March 01, 2015 08:41 AM (r+LOT)

162 Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the
ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go?

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family
and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact
with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the
family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to
be rolled into and buried.The male penguins then gather in a circle around the
fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about
penguins, did you?

Oh, quit whining, I fell for it, too.

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Posted by: Somewhere over Antarctica at March 01, 2015 10:21 PM (k7yNm)

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