Review: The Tom Sizemore Sex Tapes

Strong Content Advisory for both unflinching discriptions of the tapes as well as some risque video captures from them.

Cripes, it almost makes me want to destroy my own cache of sex-with-hookers videotapes.

Almost.

Thanks to Steve From HB, who makes a guest appearance on one of the tapes as "Tina from Catalina."

Posted by: Ace at 07:23 PM

Comments

(Jump to bottom of comments)

1 They played some of the audio on Opie & Anthony. That Tom sure does have a way with words.

Posted by: Jim Treacher at September 10, 2005 07:29 PM (uuNVx)

2 Always seizing the high ground, ace.

Posted by: Moonbat_One at September 10, 2005 07:30 PM (p2G9i)

3 hey-- show the bodies. That's my policy.

Posted by: ace at September 10, 2005 07:32 PM (hBAty)

4 I read about that a couple of weeks ago, and it sounds like a particularly nasty car wreck--you want to turn away, but you just can't.

Posted by: Sean M. at September 10, 2005 07:41 PM (EHzws)

5 Hah!
"Show the bodies-that's my policy".
A whole days postings just to set up that one liner.
Jesus Ace, that's blogger dedication. I bow in your general direction.
It's just a little bonus that Mecca is right behind you.
I can embrace you and Islam in the same way Mr. Hollywood crack-head embraces whatever grimy ho body part happens to be dangling in his field of view. I'm not going to lick anything though.

Posted by: radcraft at September 10, 2005 07:48 PM (B6gpm)

6 "I'm gonna commit a crime."

"The guys get shirts."

I think Tom's got Anka beat on this one.

Posted by: The Apologist at September 10, 2005 07:55 PM (z7FFB)

7 Aw man...this is just FULL of classic Ace-O-Spades(TM) quotes:

"My name's Tom Sizemore…I didn't do it. I deny all culpability. I wasn't there. It hasn't been even remotely fair. Okay, so stick around. Have a good time. Might…have a good time."

That last "might...have a good time," that's the comedy gold RIGHT THERE>

Posted by: Jeff B. at September 10, 2005 08:07 PM (Ii+Xg)

8 Man, this is PAT O'BRIEN-LEVEL CLASSIC:

"I'm not saying I'm smart, cause I'm not very smart, but I'm not stupid."

Posted by: Jeff B. at September 10, 2005 08:09 PM (Ii+Xg)

9 "This stomach wants to go piss," Lana interjects.

I'M DYIN' HERE, PEOPLE AND I'M ONLY ON PAGE ONE.

Posted by: Jeff B. at September 10, 2005 08:12 PM (Ii+Xg)

10 "I'm a grower not a shower. I'm an egomaniac."

Posted by: Jeff B. at September 10, 2005 08:17 PM (Ii+Xg)

11 "I hazard to say that there is blood running into my cock. It is a very nice feeling."

Posted by: steve_in_hb at September 10, 2005 08:24 PM (Ef1/H)

12 "I hazard to say that there is blood running into my cock. It is a very nice feeling."

I've got to work that into my James Bond script. It's so classy.

Posted by: ace at September 10, 2005 08:26 PM (hBAty)

13 The stilted language is funny. Sounds almost like English is a second language for him.

Posted by: steve_in_hb at September 10, 2005 08:31 PM (Ef1/H)

14 They allow people like this on the street without 7x24 keepers?

Seriously - What-A-Jackass™ He needs to be dosed up with a thorazine slurpie and packed off to Happy Acres.

Posted by: Tony at September 10, 2005 08:42 PM (qBr2c)

15 I actually view this tape as a PSA. Lots of examples of how to talk to a sex partner about my small, flaccid penis - excuses, justifications, embarrassed jokes, etc.

Posted by: steve_in_hb at September 10, 2005 08:49 PM (Ef1/H)

16 So after reading that, I'm guessing Tommy boy won't be at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in 2024, standing next to President George P Bush, getting the balcony treatment for his glorious acting career.

Posted by: jj shaka at September 10, 2005 09:17 PM (6mUkl)

17 ACES!

Tweaker sex is the best!

And with a name like "Sizemore" it seems he's found his calling.

Posted by: Aaron of LifelikePundits at September 10, 2005 11:23 PM (QOqn1)

18 priceless

like reading a script of "The Office"

Posted by: Knemon at September 10, 2005 11:35 PM (QaHR7)

19 Damn, I liked him in Blackhawk Down. First James Bond, now this.

Posted by: ArrMatey at September 10, 2005 11:42 PM (WfwK9)

20 That was disturbing. And yet I read it all and clicked all the jpeg links.

Am I sick?

Posted by: fugazi at September 11, 2005 12:24 AM (tl/Nw)

21 The guy can act - no doubt.

But it doesn't look like there's any neurons firing anymore(if ever there were any). Probably a 60's acid casualty with a completely short circuited brain.

Seriously - getting caught with a Whizzinator? Pathetic...

Posted by: Tony at September 11, 2005 12:26 AM (dAlaz)

22 I give him 3 years tops.

Posted by: Loyal 9 at September 11, 2005 12:39 AM (7dhAq)

23 3 years sounds about right. He'll be smoking a .38 or die face down in his own puke like Belushi did.

Posted by: Tony at September 11, 2005 01:32 AM (dAlaz)

24 What an idiot.

Posted by: Elvis at September 11, 2005 01:59 AM (4Uvz9)

25 hey don't be sop hard(heh) on old Tom. To have a small cock that has erection issues---man o man what could be worse. No wonder he does stuff like this,

Posted by: john at September 11, 2005 02:31 AM (HCxmX)

26 I question the timing.

Posted by: Retired Geezer at September 11, 2005 11:18 AM (EfIhp)

27 I guess we can finally put to rest the idea that being a good actor in any way requires intelligence. If anything, it's obviously an inverse ratio type of thing.

To Tom Sizemore I say: "sorry about your penis, dude." Getting it on with someone that constantly talks about their inadequacies is such a drag.

What is that movie where Robert Downey and Molly Ringwald are doing it? He says: "what are you thinking?" She says something like: "I'm thinking that I could come if you'd just shut up for 5 seconds!"

Classic.

Posted by: Log Cabin at September 11, 2005 12:36 PM (c+l1I)

28 The Pick-Up Artist.

He's blathering on, complimenting her, trying to be poetic and romantic as they have sex, and she says "Could you just shut up for one minute? I think I'm going to come."

Only two minutes I saw of that movie, btw.

Posted by: ace at September 11, 2005 02:13 PM (W7JEQ)

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