"The Mother of All Backlashes"

"Out of desperation, the Bush campaign has picked the wrong fight with the wrong veteran," said Jim Jordan, former Kerry campaign manager who now runs an outside group airing ads against Bush. "Today's the start of the mother of all backlashes." -- quoted by Wizbang

Kerry Campaign Hires New Spokesman to Handle SwiftVets' Allegations

Q. It has now been established, and tacitly admitted by the Kerry Camp, that John Kerry was never in Cambodia as he has repeatedly claimed over the years. Do you believe this diminishes Senator Kerry's credibility and/or capacity to act as commander-in-chief?

A. (Kerry Spokesman Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf, aka "Baghdad Bob"): These are a pack of crusader lies. Lies and fabrications of the warmonger Bush. John Kerry was in Cambodia on Christmas. John Forbes Kerry lived in Cambodia for six months, deployed deep behind enemy lines, disguising himself for weeks on end as a disused highway men's lavatory. John Forbes Kerry lived in a pool of his own filth for months in order to secure his great victory over the Infidel Invaders of Cambodia.

His own filth, and that of others, Allah be praised.

Q. Changing the subject a little, John Kerry admits, in broad outlines, that the SwiftVets' account of the sampan engagement is true. He admits that an unarmed woman and infant child were shot to death on the sampan. And yet John Kerry's official after-action-report -- submitted to the Navy as the officially sworn account of events -- makes no such mention of the killed woman and child. This would seem to be an intentional omission, almost certainly unethical, and likely illegal. How do you respond?

A. Lies, lies, outrageous lies concocted by the Jew minions of the Jew Satan!!! John Forbes Kerry scored a magnificent victory over that unarmed woman and infant! Let the Rolls of Honor kept by Mohammed himself record that John Forbes Kerry acted like a Lion of Baghdad when he shot that child! It made a threatening motion.

Q. What sort of threatening motion?

A. It blew a spit-bubble, and then it shat itself.

Q. Is that really threatening?

A. Have you ever changed a diaper? You must deal firmly with these little stinkers. Next question.

Q. The SwiftVets allege that two of John Kerry's Purple Hearts were awarded for injuries sustained from something other than hostile fire, and that furthermore both of these injuries were extraodinarily superficial, and not the sort of injuries typically deserving of a citation. The number of men stating that there was no hostile fire on these occasions greatly exceeds the number of men stating that there was. Do you have a response?

A. I would like to respond to that question with a two-part answer.

Part One. There was hostile enemy fire on both occasions. The sky was so full of bullets and shells that, by Allah, the very sun was blotted from the sky, and the earth shrouded in deathly shadow. Furthermore, John Forbes Kerry's injuries were severe. His head was taken clean off by an RPG fired by the Infidel Cong. It took him three weeks to recover.

Part Two: There are no infidels in Baghdad! None! It is all a concoction of the Zionist entity! By Allah's grace, the entrails of the miscreants will roast in hell for the very blasphemy of this lie!!!

Q. That's non-responsive.

A. No, YOU are non-responsive! You will burn in the fires of the unclean for your impudence.

Q. Thank you for your time.

A. And thank you for your time. If you need a transcript of this interview, I will have it ready for you within the hour. Now, good day to you all.

(as press conference breaks up)

How did I do?

Q. Better than ever. Good to have you back.

A. Thank you very much. I'm just so tickled to be back on CNN.

Oh, and all of your bodies will rot and fester in the graveyards that are the Iraqi deserts. But I think that much is obvious.

Welcome New Readers! This post is getting more links than I expected, so let me do some self-advertisement and direct you to some posts that I think are funnier:

Top Ten Signs of Hip-Hop Influence on John Forbes Kerry. He says he's "fascinated" by hip-hop, you know.

A little strange, but give it a chance: Top Ten Points of Comparison Between John Forbes Kerry and Bigfoot.

And, if you're annoyed by Oliver Willis as much as I am, try taking the Oliver Willis SAT's.

The Backlash Hasn't Begun Quite Yet Update: Kelly tips to this letter to Mark Steyn from a vet who knew Kerry from the VVAW:

I met John Kerry when I became a member of the Vietnam Veterans Against the War in 1971. If I were running for office, I might be tempted to say that I joined the WAW because I was opposed to the war. The truth was less noble. I was broke, their offices were a convenient crash pad and you could meet a hell of lot of loose women by going to demonstrations as a “Vet”.

...

John was clearly on the make, but he was also a classic preppy mook. He wanted so much to be one of the people like Scott Camille who had been “stone killers” but after a few minutes of talking to him it was clear that he was one of the guys who never knew where the fire was coming from even when the enemy were using tracers.

...I missed what would have been my one and only purple heart by deciding to get a cup of coffee about 30 seconds before an RPG cut through the outer bulkhead on the O-1 level of my LST and turned the mattress I been lying on into confetti. (Mr. Roberts in reverse; ever since then, I have never turned down an opportunity for caffeine).

John’s only replay was something along the lines of “Man, it was hell.” I doubt it. There were few safer places to be in Viet-Nam than the Mekong after Tet. The VC had been pretty much wiped out, and the NVA never made any serious attempts to use the rivers.

What I do not doubt is that John successfully gamed the system to get his 3 purples and his quick ticket home. I suppose I should be bitter about it, but life is too short; and you have to look at it from the point of view of his fellow sailors. The ones who knew what they were doing also knew that a guy that arrogantly dumb was a menace. He could get you killed. Better to ship him home.

John’s current stature as a “war hero” is a measure of how few Americans - even those of the “Greatest Generation” – have ever seen the sharp end of war.