Arsonist Cuts Off Penis and Uses It As Fuse to Light a Fire

A firebug in Indiana cut off his own penis, dumped gasoline on it -- then used it to light a blaze inside a neighbor's garage, according to police.
Christopher Peden, 36, of Fort Wayne, allegedly copped to giving himself the shaft after first claiming he was stabbed, according to court documents.
Peden told cops he "harmed himself" inside the garage in Fort Wayne by "cutting off his penis" with a kitchen knife on May 6, FOX 59 reported.
Lance Baker begged his neighbors for helped after he was stabbed by his son, according to a neighbor.
During the totally nuts kindling plan, he poured gasoline on his severed genitals and "set it on fire on the floor of the garage just inside the door," according to court documents cited by the station.
When Peden later ran into police, he claimed he'd been slashed in the city's downtown area, according to the court documents.

Christopher Peden just became the top pick to replace Platner as Democrat candidate for Senate.

Posted by: Disinformation Expert Ace at 03:28 PM

Comments

(Jump to bottom of comments)

1 ow

Posted by: gnats local 678 at July 09, 2026 03:28 PM (CWTWj)

2 FIRST!!!!!

Posted by: Tiger Woods at July 09, 2026 03:28 PM (2YhKe)

3 Penisfuse.

Posted by: Tiger Woods at July 09, 2026 03:28 PM (2YhKe)

4 Thaaaaat's.... uh... something.

Posted by: Formerly Virginian at July 09, 2026 03:28 PM (N1tpc)

5 Shit.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:28 PM (2YhKe)

6 Dang man... must've had extra to spare?

Posted by: NALNAMSAM at July 09, 2026 03:28 PM (VkY89)

7 bruh

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 03:29 PM (va4Cb)

8 i noodled

Posted by: gnats local 678 at July 09, 2026 03:29 PM (CWTWj)

9 That'll show him!

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 03:29 PM (LCr8f)

10 How soon can you move to Maine?

Posted by: The DNC at July 09, 2026 03:29 PM (BswBb)

11 Can we... just continue talking in the rogue judges thread? I'm not comfortable in here.

Posted by: Formerly Virginian at July 09, 2026 03:29 PM (N1tpc)

12 Gives new meaning to fire crotch.

Posted by: Penfold at July 09, 2026 03:29 PM (Fbt5B)

13 During the totally nuts kindling plan, he poured gasoline on his severed genitals and "set it on fire on the floor of the garage just inside the door," according to court documents cited by the station.

When Peden later ran into police, he claimed he'd been slashed in the city's downtown area, according to the court documents.

He will not be given a tox screen to determine which Big Pharma company is responsible.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:29 PM (2YhKe)

14 The burning question in everyone's mind:

What kind of drugs was he on?

Posted by: pookysgirl has a few guesses at July 09, 2026 03:30 PM (Wt5PA)

15 Slow news day, huh?

Posted by: the lower depths at July 09, 2026 03:30 PM (Yh7zv)

16 Ow My Balls!

Posted by: San Franpsycho at July 09, 2026 03:30 PM (RIvkX)

17 Huh.
Ironically I just joined a dating site for arsonists anonymous. But it's not going well. So far they've sent me 48 matches.

Posted by: Diogenes at July 09, 2026 03:30 PM (2WIwB)

18 >> What kind of drugs was he on?

Bath salts?

Posted by: publius, Rascally Mr. Miley (w6EFb) at July 09, 2026 03:30 PM (w6EFb)

19 Peden told cops he "harmed himself" inside the garage in Fort Wayne by "cutting off his penis" with a kitchen knife on May 6, FOX 59 reported.
---
Okay, I'm calling in the rest of the day sick.

The rest of the day, I'll be doubling over.

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:30 PM (Fi81e)

20 Now I'm no expert on psychotic breaks - but I think that the moment when it's on the floor and you start dumping the gasoline on it, has to be something of a wake up call.

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 03:30 PM (LCr8f)

21 Rexulti can cause uncontrollable muscle movements, which may be permanent.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:31 PM (2YhKe)

22 bobbitt, knew i'd remember. or dismember

Posted by: gnats local 678 at July 09, 2026 03:31 PM (CWTWj)

23 He has to change his name to Christopher Pedenless now.

Posted by: JuJuBee at July 09, 2026 03:31 PM (YSQQv)

24 "giving himself the shaft"

VDH-level cruelty

Posted by: San Franpsycho at July 09, 2026 03:31 PM (RIvkX)

25 *blinks twice*

Alrighty then.

Posted by: Brother Tim sez: Fiat Justicia, Ruat Caelum at July 09, 2026 03:31 PM (OUMaO)

26 I'm blaming the inexplicable pain I'm in today.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:31 PM (2YhKe)

27 Note to self: Avoid making salami sandwiches drunk.

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:31 PM (Fi81e)

28 Sounds like he was pretty pissed off.

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 03:32 PM (LCr8f)

29 When Peden later ran into police, he claimed he'd been slashed in the city's downtown area,

...if you know what I mean, and I think that you do.

I'm impressed, though. After that first incision, I think I'd be done for the day. He had this whole itinerary planned.

Posted by: t-bird at July 09, 2026 03:32 PM (XD+PD)

30 That was a pretty short fuse!

Posted by: InZona at July 09, 2026 03:32 PM (auRPf)

31 Tell me there were drugs involved.

Posted by: Rotkappchen at July 09, 2026 03:32 PM (j3Fsw)

32 "How are we going to light it?"

"I've got my penis....."

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:32 PM (2YhKe)

33 Is this a MacGyver reboot?

Posted by: Orson at July 09, 2026 03:32 PM (dIske)

34 He misunderstood "Molotov COCK-tail"

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero43) at July 09, 2026 03:32 PM (qhbYO)

35 There's this scene in the original "Ghostbusters" in which a discussion takes place in the mayor's office ...

Posted by: mrp at July 09, 2026 03:32 PM (rj6Yv)

36 TJM

OK, so FOX is a krap poll that always favors DEMs. I don't believe that.

However, Ossoff leads by 6 points in the RCP average of ALL polls.

Posted by: mnw at July 09, 2026 03:32 PM (RCjYY)

37 He was gonna clean his garage, but then he got high.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:33 PM (2YhKe)

38 Now I'm no expert on psychotic breaks - but I think that the moment when it's on the floor and you start dumping the gasoline on it, has to be something of a wake up call.
Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 03:30 PM (LCr8f)
=====

Tell me about it

Posted by: Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life Without a Penis at July 09, 2026 03:33 PM (RIvkX)

39
If only Jussie Smollet had shown that kind of commitment to the gag.

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:33 PM (Fi81e)

40 Why didn't I think of that?

Posted by: Lorena Bobbit at July 09, 2026 03:33 PM (FZ29D)

41 Weenie roast?

Posted by: 29Victor at July 09, 2026 03:33 PM (8z6SV)

42 Thank goodness it wasn't a fully automatic garage knife.

Posted by: 13times at July 09, 2026 03:33 PM (6iKlf)

43 You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain.....

Posted by: Mr Aspirin Factory at July 09, 2026 03:34 PM (ex18v)

44 Arsonist Cuts Off Penis and Uses It As Fuse
------

I would try this with one of my own neighbors but I fear I wouldn't have enough time to get out of there.

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 03:34 PM (LCr8f)

45 Why didn't I think of that?
Posted by: Lorena Bobbit at July 09, 2026 03:33 PM (FZ29D)

I mean, you just threw it away.

You could've used it to start a Great Chicago Fire type event.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:34 PM (2YhKe)

46 >>15 Slow news day, huh?

sometimes I just want to post something silly.

Posted by: ace at July 09, 2026 03:34 PM (1wjle)

47 Thank goodness it wasn't a fully automatic garage knife.

Posted by: 13times at July 09, 2026 03:33 PM (6iKlf)
---
A full clip was involved.

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:34 PM (Fi81e)

48 But who is Lance Baker?

Posted by: steevy at July 09, 2026 03:34 PM (YwEeS)

49 He misunderstood "Molotov COCK-tail"
Posted by: Cicero (@cicero43) at July 09, 2026 03:32 PM (qhbYO)

I didn't think anyone could make me feel anything but creeped out by this story, but I actually laughed at this one.

Posted by: Formerly Virginian at July 09, 2026 03:34 PM (N1tpc)

50 Day'um! Cut off his pecker and burned it. That's dedication to the cause. Not quite commitment but an impressive start.

Posted by: CrotchetyOldJarhead at July 09, 2026 03:34 PM (3Ope8)

51 36 TJM

OK, so FOX is a krap poll that always favors DEMs. I don't believe that.

However, Ossoff leads by 6 points in the RCP average of ALL polls.

Posted by: mnw at July 09, 2026 03:32 PM (RCjYY)

=======

1. Yes. The Fox polls are Dem leaning and have been for more than a decade.

2. I invite you to investigate how accurate summer polling is.

"The summer polling is 100% accurate because the final polls of the last election were 60% accurate."

Anyone who compares summer polling to final polling is unserious. And anyone who, after the last few years, thinks that polling is at all accurate is unserious.

According to summer polling in 2020, Perdue was going to easily win. He lost.

According to summer polling in 2020 in NC, Cunningham was going to easily win. He lost.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 03:35 PM (va4Cb)

52 "I can't get the stereo to work. Damn fuse keeps blowing."

"Try my dick."

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:35 PM (2YhKe)

53 What's that old phrase?

Cut off your junk to spite your face?

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:35 PM (Fi81e)

54 Why didn't anyone try to reason with him or show a little empathy? Did anyone even explain the Dems' position on decarceration to him?

Posted by: Bilwis Devourer of Innocent Souls, I'm starvin' over here at July 09, 2026 03:35 PM (w/O5Q)

55 What the actual fuck?!

Posted by: Aetius451AD work phone at July 09, 2026 03:35 PM (zZu0s)

56 Polls are for strippers.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:36 PM (2YhKe)

57 27 Note to self: Avoid making salami sandwiches drunk.
Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:31 PM (Fi81e)

How do you force the salami to drink so much is the question.

Posted by: SpeakingOf at July 09, 2026 03:36 PM (6ydKt)

58 I had a rocket in my pocket but then the fuse was lit.

Posted by: JuJuBee at July 09, 2026 03:36 PM (YSQQv)

59 What the actual fuck?!

Posted by: Aetius451AD work phone at July 09, 2026 03:35 PM (zZu0s)
---
He has no more fucks to give.

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:36 PM (Fi81e)

60 Oh boy…drugs? Schizophrenia?

Posted by: Piper at July 09, 2026 03:36 PM (Dd38x)

61 Taking insanity to new levels. He should run for office on the (D) ticket.

He'd likely win.

Posted by: Martini Farmer at July 09, 2026 03:36 PM (jehhT)

62 "Where are you going now?"

"Um, Snap-on-Tools..."

Posted by: Cheerful Reprobate at July 09, 2026 03:36 PM (JH34D)

63 bruh

Not complete without the sound-effect.

https://youtube.com/shorts/ELHq8HvexFo

Posted by: Halfhand at July 09, 2026 03:36 PM (3Urqf)

64 But who is Lance Baker?
Posted by: steevy

Rod Burns.

Posted by: Mr Aspirin Factory at July 09, 2026 03:37 PM (ex18v)

65 A man just cut off his own penis and set it on fire and you want to discuss polls?

At long last sir, have you no humanity?

Posted by: Aghast at July 09, 2026 03:37 PM (anL5R)

66 At what point does this possibly sound like a good idea?

I am betting drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

Posted by: Aetius451AD work phone at July 09, 2026 03:37 PM (zZu0s)

67 Boy! They never taught me that in the Boy Scouts!

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Fat, Dumb, and Happy at July 09, 2026 03:37 PM (ndZc7)

68 What's that old phrase?

Cut off your junk to spite your face?

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:35 PM (Fi81e)

I LOL'd.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:37 PM (2YhKe)

69 If only Jussie Smollet had shown that kind of commitment to the gag.
Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:33 PM (Fi81e)

Jussie only does one kind of gag.

Posted by: Aetius451AD work phone at July 09, 2026 03:37 PM (zZu0s)

70 Clearly this guy had issues.

It's a shame we don't have a functioning psychological health system that could have intervened much, much earlier before he got to this point.

Instead, his shrink (I'm sure he has one), was probably encouraging him in his delusional behavior.

Posted by: "Perfessor" Squirrel at July 09, 2026 03:38 PM (FZ29D)

71 He'd just been listening to Detachable Penis.

Posted by: JuJuBee at July 09, 2026 03:38 PM (YSQQv)

72 I'm kind of disappointed that the link goes to the New York Post, who are famous for their creative by-lines and they couldn't come up with anything.

Posted by: Orson at July 09, 2026 03:38 PM (dIske)

73 At least he remembered to cut it off BEFORE he lit it on fire.

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 03:38 PM (LCr8f)

74 That guy looked pretty solid in his mug shot for someone who'd recently cut off his wedding tackle.

Posted by: Octochicken at July 09, 2026 03:38 PM (oCS0o)

75 Detachable Penis was a song about 30 years ago.

Posted by: Rex B at July 09, 2026 03:39 PM (0IMoU)

76 "giving himself the shaft"

VDH-level cruelty
Posted by: San Franpsycho at July 09, 2026 03:31 PM (RIvkX)

Really he 'gifted' the shaft. He had the shaft, removed it, jazzed it up and then gave it away.

Posted by: Aetius451AD work phone at July 09, 2026 03:39 PM (zZu0s)

77 Matthew 18:9-and-a-half

And if your wiener causes you to sin.....

Posted by: mikeski at July 09, 2026 03:39 PM (VHUov)

78 Not Florida. 👍🏼

Posted by: L - No nic, another fine day at July 09, 2026 03:39 PM (NFX2v)

79

Step 1 - cut off your penis and light it on fire

Step 2 - ???

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 03:39 PM (LCr8f)

80 Sounds like a Mike Pence supporter. Or was that his balls?

Posted by: Rev. Wishbone at July 09, 2026 03:39 PM (fkjGs)

81 75 Detachable Penis was a song about 30 years ago.
Posted by: Rex B at July 09, 2026 03:39 PM (0IMoU)

Primus? I remember hearing it in college but that's about all.

Posted by: Octochicken at July 09, 2026 03:40 PM (oCS0o)

82 This is nothing new. Hitler used the same approach when he started the Reichstodger fire.

Posted by: Archimedes at July 09, 2026 03:40 PM (Riz8t)

83
Who among us hasn't considered that at least once in our lives?

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:40 PM (Fi81e)

84 But who is Lance Baker?
Posted by: steevy at July 09, 2026 03:34 PM (YwEeS)
*****
That's what I was thinking.

Posted by: redridinghood at July 09, 2026 03:41 PM (NpAcC)

85 And if you want to play women's sports, this is step one.

Posted by: Stateless - He ain't heavy, he's my dog at July 09, 2026 03:41 PM (Sco7b)

86 Who among us hasn't considered that at least once in our lives?
Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:40 PM (Fi81e)

My intrusive thought do not usually run that way.

Posted by: Aetius451AD work phone at July 09, 2026 03:41 PM (zZu0s)

87 Who among us hasn't considered that at least once in our lives?

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:40 PM (Fi81e)

I haven't, since I'm female.

Posted by: pookysgirl, stating the obvious at July 09, 2026 03:41 PM (Wt5PA)

88 Love that he's replacing Platner!

What's the deal with all the Bobbiting going on?

Was this guy high on meth, too? The penis amputation meth, like brown acid. Bad.

I would think the shock of it would have him running for help vs lighting it on fire. But what do I know?

Posted by: ChristyBlinkyTheGreat at July 09, 2026 03:41 PM (hzuYO)

89 This is nothing new. Hitler used the same approach when he started the Reichstodger fire.

Posted by: Archimedes at July 09, 2026 03:40 PM (Riz8t)

I don't know if you should go in the sidebar or receive a lifetime ban

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 03:41 PM (LCr8f)

90
How flammable are penii?

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:41 PM (Fi81e)

91 https://tinyurl.com/ytd4jfc4

Posted by: Stu Podaso at July 09, 2026 03:41 PM (M9wuR)

92 read the headline, and was expecting a trans story.
yeah, I vote for bath salts, or psych drugs.

Posted by: barbarausa at July 09, 2026 03:41 PM (enw9G)

93 It was just a song!

Posted by: King Missile at July 09, 2026 03:41 PM (QZ70F)

94 >> It's a shame we don't have a functioning psychological health system that could have intervened much, much earlier before he got to this point.

I'm sure he had all sorts of "issues" as the kids say, but I'm betting this is some of those drugs that cause ridiculous psychosis.

Posted by: publius, Rascally Mr. Miley (w6EFb) at July 09, 2026 03:42 PM (w6EFb)

95 At least this one committed to transitioning.

Posted by: Washington Nearsider, preparing for The Reckoning at July 09, 2026 03:42 PM (61mEu)

96 92 read the headline, and was expecting a trans story.
yeah, I vote for bath salts, or psych drugs.

Posted by: barbarausa at July 09, 2026 03:41 PM (enw9G)

=======

TikTok trend!

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 03:42 PM (va4Cb)

97 Well I have to say this demonstrates a certain level of commitment to starting a fire.

Posted by: Weasel at July 09, 2026 03:42 PM (PVV5z)

98 So, is this practicing medicine without a license? Self sex change surgery. Can I get a ruling?

Posted by: quiz ick al at July 09, 2026 03:42 PM (anL5R)

99 Primus? I remember hearing it in college but that's about all.
Posted by: Octochicken at July 09, 2026 03:40 PM (oCS0o)

King Missile

Posted by: hobbitopoly at July 09, 2026 03:42 PM (k9OZB)

100 This is like a self-inflicted Lorena Bobbit, but extra crispier steps instead of throwing it out the car window and it becoming a doggie chew toy.

Posted by: Penfold at July 09, 2026 03:42 PM (Fbt5B)

101 97 Well I have to say this demonstrates a certain level of commitment to starting a fire.

Posted by: Weasel at July 09, 2026 03:42 PM (PVV5z)

=====

Billy Joel didn't have this commitment.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 03:42 PM (va4Cb)

102
Ding-dong ditch.

Posted by: Yudhishthira's Dice at July 09, 2026 03:42 PM (BI5O2)

103 >>A firebug in Indiana cut off his own penis,

*her

Posted by: Trans rights. No deadnaming! at July 09, 2026 03:42 PM (c5Ogl)

104 His name?

Johnson Cutter.

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:43 PM (Fi81e)

105 Obligatory musical interlude:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgCNOsSYP4I

Posted by: Biden's Dog sniffs a whole lotta malarkey, at July 09, 2026 03:43 PM (lgmVC)

106 Primus? I remember hearing it in college but that's about all.
Posted by: Octochicken at July 09, 2026 03:40 PM (oCS0o)

Had to look it up. Lol, the bands name was King Missile.

Looks like jujubee made first reference to D. P.

Posted by: Rex B at July 09, 2026 03:43 PM (0IMoU)

107 Im finally on lunch break and first thing I see prancing in here are the words penis and arson

and now Im very confused

Posted by: The Unvaxed and Unmasked Ranger - Now With More Quality Fapness at July 09, 2026 03:43 PM (fapp/)

108 This guy could now qualify as transient. The other ones, I'm not so sure.

Posted by: scottst at July 09, 2026 03:43 PM (H12gn)

109 Silly? Maybe, maybe not.

Bastille Days Festival - Milwaukee - East Town
Bastille Days July 9-12, 2026 Thurs - Saturday: 11 - 11:30pm Sunday: 11 - 7pm. Milwaukee's popular French festival … held in Milwaukee's Cathedral Square Park.

Dancing in the Park, Springsteen
You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancin' in the dark

Posted by: L - No nic, another fine day at July 09, 2026 03:43 PM (NFX2v)

110 >> Investigators collected evidence from the garage, including a red plastic gas container, four lighters and a kitchen knife.

No penis? Wait this is a mystery- right?

I know, Cavernous Nostrils will say the Joos stole it.

Posted by: That Guy at July 09, 2026 03:44 PM (Qgg5f)

111 Someone really committed would have also nailed his nutsack to the driveway.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero43) at July 09, 2026 03:44 PM (qhbYO)

112 Christopher Peden just became the top pick to replace Platner as Democrat candidate for Senate.

Oh, c'mon, Ace! He's not even a Maine resident!

Posted by: GWB at July 09, 2026 03:44 PM (kU0PQ)

113 "Arsonist Cuts Off Penis and Uses It As Fuse to Light a Fire"

Mom, Dad ruined the s'mores!

Posted by: Bilwis Devourer of Innocent Souls, I'm starvin' over here at July 09, 2026 03:44 PM (w/O5Q)

114 Im finally on lunch break and first thing I see prancing in here are the words penis and arson

and now Im very confused
Posted by: The Unvaxed and Unmasked Ranger - Now With More Quality Fapness at July 09, 2026 03:43 PM (fapp/)
---
That's what his parents said:

Arson cut off his penis.

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:44 PM (Fi81e)

115 He couldn't afford a neon green dildo to take to the WNBA game he'd recently won tickets to for being the 14th caller.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:44 PM (2YhKe)

116 TJM, if it becomes a tiktok trend, here's hoping it's mostly circulated on discord.
Some winnowing of the loons couldn't hurt.

Posted by: barbarausa at July 09, 2026 03:44 PM (enw9G)

117 Im finally on lunch break and first thing I see prancing in here are the words penis and arson

and now Im very confused
Posted by: The Unvaxed and Unmasked Ranger - Now With More Quality Fapness at July 09, 2026 03:43 PM (fapp/)

Pretty cut and dry.

Posted by: Mr Aspirin Factory at July 09, 2026 03:44 PM (ex18v)

118
Thank goodness the guy can't reproduce.

Posted by: four seasons at July 09, 2026 03:44 PM (/QHx4)

119 How flammable are penii?
==
It depends . . . you've heard the term "flaming"? If you put them in a pile and they are of the right type, you can get a spontaneous combustion.

Posted by: Bill Nye, sarcastic guy at July 09, 2026 03:44 PM (anL5R)

120 Consider this --

The nerves would still be alive for many minutes after blood supply is cut off. IT FELT THE PAIN.

Posted by: bob (moron inbobnitus) at July 09, 2026 03:44 PM (c5Ogl)

121 and now Im very confused
Posted by: The Unvaxed and Unmasked Ranger - Now With More Quality Fapness at July 09, 2026 03:43 PM (fapp/)
----
Not as confused as the arsonist who set his own twig-n-berries on fire.

Posted by: "Perfessor" Squirrel at July 09, 2026 03:45 PM (FZ29D)

122 Bold strategy Cotton, let's hope it doesn't peter out.

Posted by: Field Marshal Zhukov at July 09, 2026 03:45 PM (wBaIH)

123 I was kind of depressed.

But I have to say, this is my favorite 'a man cuts off his own penis and uses it to start a fire' story all week.

Thanks.

Posted by: Stateless - He ain't heavy, he's my dog at July 09, 2026 03:45 PM (Sco7b)

124 Say, do you put the cheese on first or afterward?

Posted by: Chuck Schumer at July 09, 2026 03:45 PM (qhbYO)

125 Finally, the burning sensation was not chlamydia.

Posted by: Cray Cray at July 09, 2026 03:45 PM (PaM+i)

126 One must admire the commitment. This mofo was not about to rip up his tshirt to improvise a fuse. Nope. Little Mr. Happy it is!

Posted by: nooneyouknowyouknow at July 09, 2026 03:45 PM (Iwv3U)

127 His name?

Johnson Cutter.
Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:43 PM (Fi81e)

Sponsored by Johnsonville Brats.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:45 PM (2YhKe)

128 This guy could now qualify as transient. The other ones, I'm not so sure.
Posted by: scottst at July 09, 2026 03:43 PM (H12gn)

I'll go ahead and guess this guy has a long, colorful record as a transient before this happened.

Posted by: Yudhishthira's Dice at July 09, 2026 03:45 PM (BI5O2)

129
So he remotely penetrated the garages entry?

Posted by: Frank Barone at July 09, 2026 03:46 PM (OkYzo)

130 Me? Lacking this level of commitment, I'd have maybe used one match to light the whole book of matches. You know, the old fashioned way.

Posted by: Weasel at July 09, 2026 03:46 PM (PVV5z)

131 Who is the lucky officer that got to write the report of severed, flaming wang?

Posted by: scampydog at July 09, 2026 03:46 PM (2bFN5)

132 Is this what they mean by "flaming fagget?"

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:46 PM (2YhKe)

133 I hope he wanted to be the Trannie he wanted to be

Posted by: Skip at July 09, 2026 03:46 PM (Ia/+0)

134 Ow My Balls!
Posted by: San Franpsycho
......

Did he have a nice cool pudding cup handy?

Posted by: wth at July 09, 2026 03:46 PM (UjdFS)

135 Peden told cops he "harmed himself"
Lance Baker begged his neighbors for helped

Ummm.... Who is Lance Baker, and why is he in this story? Those two things are back-to-back in the quoted bit and Baker is not mentioned anywhere else in said quoted part. WTH is going on?

(I won't even mention the "helped" as a noun bit.)
(Oh, woops. I just did.)

Posted by: GWB at July 09, 2026 03:46 PM (kU0PQ)

136 The nerves would still be alive for many minutes after blood supply is cut off. IT FELT THE PAIN.

Posted by: bob (moron inbobnitus) at July 09, 2026 03:44 PM (c5Ogl)
---
That's the very reason I'm doubled over for the rest of the day.

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:46 PM (Fi81e)

137 What kind of drugs do this? Is this listed as a side effect in the TV ad?

Posted by: scottst at July 09, 2026 03:47 PM (H12gn)

138 He just wanted to really commit to his new affiliation as a male in the Democrat party..... They said they oppose balls and he believed them!

Posted by: SimoHayha at July 09, 2026 03:47 PM (/ZkOF)

139 The nerves would still be alive for many minutes after blood supply is cut off. IT FELT THE PAIN.
Posted by: bob (moron inbobnitus) at July 09, 2026 03:44 PM (c5Ogl)
----
Now I'm imagining a high-pitched voice screaming, "I'M MELTING!" as it swiftly turns into a crackling cinder.

Posted by: "Perfessor" Squirrel at July 09, 2026 03:47 PM (FZ29D)

140 Alternate music selection:

https://youtu.be/5WyLhwYFgmk

Posted by: SpeakingOf at July 09, 2026 03:47 PM (6ydKt)

141 Peter Burns.

Posted by: Mr Aspirin Factory at July 09, 2026 03:47 PM (ex18v)

142 @EWess92
*ENORMOUS* Win against experimental child sex change surgeries for @JamesUthmeierFL
. The full Seventh Circuit stopped the Federalism-destroying order issued by the district judge in Chicago. Florida can continue to enforce its deceptive practice law in Florida court

-------

Tangential.

Oh, look, the courts siding with us. That's never happened before ever. The district courts' final word is law. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 03:47 PM (va4Cb)

143 I must say Ace, your headline did grab my attention.

Someone really committed would have also nailed his nutsack to the driveway.
Posted by: Cicero

That act literally would have taken balls.

Posted by: Tonypete at July 09, 2026 03:47 PM (zlG6F)

144 True fact, when you do this the penis actually runs around by itself for a while like a chicken with its head cut off. So first he had to corral the penis which must have taken some energy.

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 03:47 PM (LCr8f)

145 Impressive. Most guys just light a bag of dogshit and call it a day.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero43) at July 09, 2026 03:47 PM (qhbYO)

146 When its all said and done, not many a man can say that they roasted their own weenie.

Posted by: Bill Nye, sarcastic guy at July 09, 2026 03:48 PM (anL5R)

147 great balls of fire!

Posted by: cmeat at July 09, 2026 03:48 PM (R11M+)

148 Who is the lucky officer that got to write the report of severed, flaming wang?
Posted by: scampydog at July 09, 2026 03:46 PM (2bFN5)

If only this had been in Pittsburgh, so the 911 call could be on the ONT.

Posted by: GWB at July 09, 2026 03:48 PM (kU0PQ)

149 Tranny doctors asked if they'd rather have a dead son or an arsonist daughter.

Posted by: Wally at July 09, 2026 03:48 PM (XQ6Q0)

150 Somebody ask Muldoon if there is a medical code for this.

Posted by: Weasel at July 09, 2026 03:48 PM (PVV5z)

151 OK, cut junk off, check.

Now what? Hmmm.

Posted by: seemed like a good idea at the time. at July 09, 2026 03:49 PM (H12gn)

152 You light cigars, not your vang!

Posted by: Sigmund Freud at July 09, 2026 03:49 PM (0IMoU)

153 That's gonna leave a mark.

Posted by: Eromero at July 09, 2026 03:49 PM (LHPAg)

154
Now he's going to roll out of bed at night without his kickstand.

Posted by: Frank Barone at July 09, 2026 03:50 PM (OkYzo)

155 You always hurt the one you love.

Posted by: wth at July 09, 2026 03:50 PM (UjdFS)

156 In before the short fuse joke.

Posted by: Field Marshal Zhukov at July 09, 2026 03:50 PM (wBaIH)

157 Cuts off his own dick, lights it on fire.

Blames son for stabbing him.

I mean, WHAT the smothered in gravy f*ck?!?

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:50 PM (2YhKe)

158 Is this a MacGyver reboot?
Posted by: Orson at July 09, 2026 03:32 PM (dIske)

Starring his son, Richard MacGyver.

Posted by: GWB at July 09, 2026 03:50 PM (kU0PQ)

159 Now he's going to roll out of bed at night without his kickstand.

He'll need to find a new place to hang his towel.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero43) at July 09, 2026 03:51 PM (qhbYO)

160 Wonder if Darwin ever closed his notebook and said, "That'll be enough." I am thinking this one would be in that category.

Posted by: scampydog at July 09, 2026 03:51 PM (2bFN5)

161 Don't want pics. Don't care if it happened.

Posted by: Weasel at July 09, 2026 03:51 PM (PVV5z)

162 Serious erectile dysfunction requires immediate attention.

Guy really flicked his bic.

Posted by: Martini Farmer at July 09, 2026 03:51 PM (jehhT)

163 On the bright side, now when everyone calls him dickless, it will be accurate.

Posted by: Bill Nye, sarcastic guy at July 09, 2026 03:51 PM (anL5R)

164 "I'm gonna go have a beer. What about you?"

"I'm gonna cut off my dick and light it on fire."

"Ah....You go cut that cock, Imma go get a beer."

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:51 PM (2YhKe)

165 Charged with Aggravated Arson with Malice Aforeskin

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero43) at July 09, 2026 03:52 PM (qhbYO)

166 So, it's now considered Hot Tranny?

Posted by: Romeo13 at July 09, 2026 03:52 PM (mP0Kj)

167 Polls are for strippers.
Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:36 PM (2YhKe)

Amusingly, that gets said at least once every time polls are mentioned. I don't think the horde believes polls.

Posted by: I used to have a different nic at July 09, 2026 03:52 PM (ExV1e)

168
We'll lose over $265,000 each if they know they can do it themselves.

Posted by: Gender Reassignment Doctor at July 09, 2026 03:52 PM (OkYzo)

169 Out: Big d*ck energy

In: Big d*ck inferno

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 03:52 PM (sKqQm)

170 The sick part of the story is he brought a boom box with him and started blasting Everybody Wang Chung Tonight.

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 03:52 PM (LCr8f)

171 Weenie roast?
Posted by: 29Victor at July 09, 2026 03:33 PM (8z6SV)

Thread winner.

Posted by: GWB at July 09, 2026 03:52 PM (kU0PQ)

172 I can tell you, he still had a career in porn right up to the point where he lit it on fire.......

Posted by: John Wayne Bobbitt at July 09, 2026 03:52 PM (2YhKe)

173 WITNESS: "I took one glans at the guy and knew he was crazy."

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero43) at July 09, 2026 03:52 PM (qhbYO)

174
LOZZEZZZZZ!!!

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:53 PM (Fi81e)

175 You have to be pretty out there to wander into someone's garage, look around at all the flammable items in it, and then decide that your own penis is the best choice for starting a fire.

Posted by: "Perfessor" Squirrel at July 09, 2026 03:53 PM (FZ29D)

176 Anyone tell him that's NOT how Flamin' Hot Cheetos are made?

Posted by: Blanco Basura - Z28.310 at July 09, 2026 03:53 PM (+9wcF)

177 Only you can prevent ... WTF?!

Posted by: Smokey the Bear at July 09, 2026 03:53 PM (l6S4a)

178 Meth is a hell of a drug.

Posted by: Puddleglum, cheer up for the worst is yet to come at July 09, 2026 03:53 PM (sAmhv)

179 150 Somebody ask Muldoon if there is a medical code for this.
Posted by: Weasel at July 09, 2026 03:48 PM (PVV5z)

Someone ask Muldoon for a limerick. Seems like there's a gut punch line in here somewhere.

Posted by: scottst at July 09, 2026 03:53 PM (H12gn)

180 I heard this story on the radio coming home, I thought it was fake.

Posted by: Mister Scott (Formerly GWS) at July 09, 2026 03:53 PM (0N4FZ)

181 On the bright side, now when everyone calls him dickless, it will be accurate.

Posted by: Bill Nye, sarcastic guy at July 09, 2026 03:51 PM (anL5R)

But he's still got the balls to do it.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:53 PM (2YhKe)

182 163 On the bright side, now when everyone calls him dickless, it will be accurate.
Posted by: Bill Nye, sarcastic guy at July 09, 2026 03:51 PM (anL5R)

Yes, your Honor, it's true, he has no Dick...

Posted by: Dr. Vinkmun at July 09, 2026 03:53 PM (mP0Kj)

183 Isnt the FNM assuming the gender here? I mean zer cut zer's dick off so maybe zer feels like a woman now?

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 03:53 PM (sKqQm)

184 started blasting Everybody Wang Chung Tonight.
-------

Actually the official title of the song is Everybody Have Fun Tonight.

Posted by: Wesley Crusher at July 09, 2026 03:54 PM (LCr8f)

185 [WILLOWED:]

Well, it sounds like it was finally good for something.

Gives a whole meaning to "Talking Heads" and "Burning Down The House."

/I denounce myself ...

Posted by: ShainS -- Tricentennial or Bust! at July 09, 2026 03:54 PM (udqLL)

186 87 that didn't stop ilhan.

Posted by: cmeat at July 09, 2026 03:54 PM (R11M+)

187 I did recognize the top 70's link as Moody Blues but I somehow thought the second one was Aldo Nova (but he's the 80's). Go figure.

Posted by: actually inside the beltway at July 09, 2026 03:54 PM (S8cdb)

188
it'll make it easier for him to pass kidney stones.

Posted by: Frank Barone at July 09, 2026 03:54 PM (OkYzo)

189 Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 03:52 PM (sKqQm)

Burn Baby Burn!
Big Dick Inferno

Posted by: The Tramps at July 09, 2026 03:54 PM (wGerL)

190 "...And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day."

He wasn't there.

Posted by: Napoleon XIV at July 09, 2026 03:54 PM (91TQ2)

191 YOU DICK!

Posted by: Jeff Spicoli at July 09, 2026 03:54 PM (47/pr)

192 🤣 y'all be crazy in print.

Midvale School for the Gifted?

Posted by: Taking the public pulse at July 09, 2026 03:54 PM (NFX2v)

193 Anyone tell him that's NOT how Flamin' Hot Cheetos are made?

Uh yeah...yes you are 100% right. We totally don't not cut off dicks to make our delicious snack food

Posted by: Chester the Cheetah at July 09, 2026 03:55 PM (sKqQm)

194 And he's still got more dick than Talarico.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero43) at July 09, 2026 03:55 PM (qhbYO)

195 started blasting Everybody Wang Chung Tonight.
-------

Actually the official title of the song is Everybody Have Fun Tonight.
Posted by: Wesley Crusher at July 09, 2026 03:54 PM (LCr8f)
---
Regardless, it's chung, not chunk.

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:55 PM (Fi81e)

196
Saves money buying weiners for the weiner roast.

Recycling rocks.

Posted by: four seasons at July 09, 2026 03:55 PM (/QHx4)

197 At least his wife won't have to complain about the toilet set being left up anymore.

Posted by: Halfhand at July 09, 2026 03:55 PM (3Urqf)

198 95 At least this one committed to transitioning.
Posted by: Washington Nearsider, preparing for The Reckoning at July 09, 2026 03:42 PM (61mEu)

************
I think there's been another special protected boy's murder of mother in Weschester County, NY. The photo of him looks trans. The NY Post gayly said he has sparkling blue eyes. Pity he did not cut his pee pee and set it on fire (I guess this is one way of not having it reattached).

His name is Chester Green. Granted I would not like being named Chester, either, but would not kill over it.

There's a photo of him as a child and he looks mean and beady eyed. Sort of like Prince Harry. Widowed mother would try to get him interested in welding and bring him to community events. I feel badly for his mother's family and friend, but people said there was "something" wrong with him.

I would vote for him being the furry trans cell mate, but different states. Pity I am not in charge of the world.

Also read that Hakim has been voting for Maxine for seven months. How is that possible to vote for another person in congress??? Is this normal? Am I in a coma with McConnell?

Posted by: ChristyBlinkyTheGreat at July 09, 2026 03:55 PM (hzuYO)

199 Hmm, you know my dick often feels like it is burning but I never put any gasoline on it.

Posted by: Pete Bootyjuice at July 09, 2026 03:56 PM (sKqQm)

200 14 The burning question in everyone's mind:

What kind of drugs was he on?
Posted by: pookysgirl has a few guesses at July 09, 2026 03:30 PM (Wt5PA)

It may take awhile to find out. Someone shared this article about a similar L.A. incident a couple nights ago, but it actually happened on March 7; the new news on July 4 was the toxicology report.

Daily Star: https://tinyurl.com/5x8xr48r

>>> The man is said to have used a non-serrated pen-knife around two inches long and three-quarters-inch wide to deliver the fatal injuries to himself in his final moments. The wound he inflicted to his genitalia was nearly a foot in circumference as it left his testes exposed and led his penis to be “degloving” from his body, the report stated.

>>> It is understood the man died from self-inflicted wounds to an artery and vein in his right arm alongside injuries to his jugular vein and trachea in his neck. A toxicology report found Sutherland had an extreme amount of methamphetamine in his system at the time of his death and also alongside MDMA.

Posted by: SciVo at July 09, 2026 03:56 PM (Sy6m/)

201 In many ways, isn't this the story of the Democratic Party?

Posted by: Stateless - He ain't heavy, he's my dog at July 09, 2026 03:56 PM (Sco7b)

202 Son? When I said cook me a Hotdog, that IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!

Posted by: Mom at July 09, 2026 03:56 PM (mP0Kj)

203 Talk about your burning sensations!

Posted by: John Wayne Bobbitt at July 09, 2026 03:56 PM (47/pr)

204 Hey, at least he was proactive. If he had any kiddie-diddler tendencies, that'll take care of some of it...

Posted by: jim (in Kalifornia) at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (l3cgK)

205 A toxicology report found Sutherland had an extreme amount of methamphetamine in his system at the time of his death and also alongside MDMA.

Anyone check the knife for machine elf fingerprints?

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (sKqQm)

206 I'm friends with the homeowner whose garage was burned. Since the cradle. He called 18.437 seconds before Mossad came to collect their arson agent in his driveway. He told me the arsonist was "circumcised." I'm sure he was. The question is, why?

Well, my bosom friend and eternal victim of this attack is more Catholic than the Pope. And if you read Talmud you'll see that Jews believe you should "burn your gentiles in their garages."

Is it possible that Mossad had a typo in the brainwashing newsreel they forced this poor man to watch for 96 hours before this mission? I think so, but only Ben Shapiro can say for sure.

Posted by: Candace at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (BI5O2)

207 Guy in the neighborhood named Peden
He sure had his struggles with the women
He took a knife to his member
Burned it to an ember
Now there's no need for a weddin!

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (2YhKe)

208
You gonna eat that?

Posted by: Jeffrey Dahmer at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (OkYzo)

209 He will not be given a tox screen to determine which Big Pharma company is responsible.
Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer

I'd lay odds on Street Pharma, but who knows? might be a little of both.

Posted by: FeatherBlade at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (vJrRc)

210 In many ways, isn't this the story of the Democratic Party?

Not gay enough yet

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (sKqQm)

211 He lit his hotdog instead of putting it in the dishwasher...

Posted by: jim (in Kalifornia) at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (l3cgK)

212 Muldoon, I apologize....

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (2YhKe)

213 194 And he's still got more dick than Talarico.
Posted by: Cicero (@cicero43) at July 09, 2026 03:55 PM (qhbYO)

Peden’s on par with Theon Greyjoy now.

Posted by: SpeakingOf at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (6ydKt)

214 The balls on that guy...

Posted by: 29Victor at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (8z6SV)

215 At least the judge won't order the baliff to whack his pee-pee.

Posted by: Big Porker at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (0jsOz)

216 It's now Christopher "Zippo" Peden, 36, of Fort Wayne

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero43) at July 09, 2026 03:58 PM (qhbYO)

217 210 In many ways, isn't this the story of the Democratic Party?

Not gay enough yet

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (sKqQm)

=======

Needs moar black women.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 03:58 PM (va4Cb)

218 Know who could have done this? George MF Washington, that’s who.

I heard he’s got, like, five of them.

Posted by: Zombie Robbo the Llama Butcher, phoning it in at July 09, 2026 03:58 PM (jYxaI)

219 Hunka hunka burning love.

Posted by: Elvis at July 09, 2026 03:58 PM (47/pr)

220 Christopher Peden just became the top pick to replace Platner as Democrat candidate for Senate.

Posted by: Disinformation Expert Ace at 03:28 PM

---
More dickless than Talafreako is something!

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:58 PM (Fi81e)

221 Peden’s on par with Theon Greyjoy now.

Did the machine elves promise him a threesome first?

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 03:58 PM (sKqQm)

222 You suppose there was a moment, somewhere in there, where he smelled his own dick cooking and got hungry for BBQ?

Posted by: bear with asymmetrical balls at July 09, 2026 03:58 PM (l6S4a)

223 "If Christopher cuts off his dick and lights it on fire, are YOU going to cut of your dick and light it on fire?"

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:58 PM (2YhKe)

224 You don't know the whole story. That dick might have been dissing him out loud, so it had it comin'. Just sayin'.

Posted by: tcn in AK at July 09, 2026 03:58 PM (bl07w)

225 223 "If Christopher cuts off his dick and lights it on fire, are YOU going to cut of your dick and light it on fire?"
Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:58 PM (2YhKe)

And then jump off a cliff...

Posted by: tcn in AK at July 09, 2026 03:59 PM (bl07w)

226 There's an old Superman joke that comes very close to the subject of this post.

Posted by: Dr. Pork Chops & Bacons at July 09, 2026 03:59 PM (g8Ew8)

227 47 Thank goodness it wasn't a fully automatic garage knife.

Posted by: 13times at July 09, 2026 03:33 PM (6iKlf)
---
A full clip was involved.
Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 03:34 PM (Fi81e)

Also, the thing that goes up.

Posted by: Not Enough Lampposts at July 09, 2026 03:59 PM (+gyPc)

228 The Arson charge is nice.

I get the impression “Christopher Peden” has an interesting anagram “Penis Phire” or whatever

Posted by: Common Tater at July 09, 2026 03:59 PM (Gcul1)

229 Drugs are bad, mmmmmkay?

Posted by: tcn in AK at July 09, 2026 03:59 PM (bl07w)

230 184 started blasting Everybody Wang Chung Tonight.
-------

Actually the official title of the song is Everybody Have Fun Tonight.
Posted by: Wesley Crusher

🤬 Now that be with me for hours.

Posted by: Taking the public pulse at July 09, 2026 03:59 PM (NFX2v)

231 Not gay enough yet

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (sKqQm)

=======

Needs moar black women.

One of the odder things about the modern Dem party is that everyone in it except the black women are at least a little gay. If Crockett had been willing to plant one on Hillary's lips she'd be the nominee in TX right now

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 03:59 PM (sKqQm)

232 You suppose there was a moment, somewhere in there, where he smelled his own dick cooking and got hungry for BBQ?
---
You disgust me.

However, it disgusts me even more that I laughed at that.

Posted by: Bill Nye, sarcastic guy at July 09, 2026 03:59 PM (anL5R)

233 Holy John Holmes, Batman!!!! I never imagined I would ever see a bl blog post title like this one anyplace on the webz! Yet here it is! Ace, you are the king of blogs!

Posted by: Gref at July 09, 2026 03:59 PM (cWZl9)

234 10 minute add by Pratt about CA vote fraud.
Very good.

https://x.com/spencerpratt/status/2075036220803993958

Posted by: bob (moron inbobnitus) at July 09, 2026 04:00 PM (c5Ogl)

235 215 At least the judge won't order the baliff to whack his pee-pee.

Posted by: Big Porker at July 09, 2026 03:57 PM (0jsOz)

For some reason, the joke about the top officers of each military branch being asked to retire comes to mind...

Posted by: jim (in Kalifornia) at July 09, 2026 04:00 PM (l3cgK)

236
Yeah. Yeah.It's all fun and games until someone cuts their dick off, lights it on fire and burns the house down.

Posted by: Frank Barone at July 09, 2026 04:00 PM (OkYzo)

237 231 One of the odder things about the modern Dem party is that everyone in it except the black women are at least a little gay. If Crockett had been willing to plant one on Hillary's lips she'd be the nominee in TX right now

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 03:59 PM (sKqQm)

=====

Nah.

Austin progressives just despise black women. Nothing Crockett could have done would have convinced them to not vote for Talarico like Syrians voting for Assad.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:00 PM (va4Cb)

238 We don't need no water let the motherf*cker burn!

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 04:00 PM (sKqQm)

239 Way to test that "once you go black, you never go back" theory.

Who says science is dead?

Posted by: Stateless - He ain't heavy, he's my dog at July 09, 2026 04:01 PM (Sco7b)

240 239 Way to test that "once you go black, you never go back" theory.

Who says science is dead?

Posted by: Stateless - He ain't heavy, he's my dog at July 09, 2026 04:01 PM (Sco7b)

=======

Editors of science journals, these days.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:01 PM (va4Cb)

241 Ten bucks sez psychodelic drugs or mushrooms were involved.

Posted by: Common Tater at July 09, 2026 04:01 PM (Gcul1)

242
'Cause you make me feel! You make me feel!
You make me feel like a natural woman!

Posted by: Zombie Aretha Franklin at July 09, 2026 04:01 PM (y9nCu)

243 Will a penis burn? Glad somebody else tested the theory.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at July 09, 2026 04:01 PM (n5tGW)

244 155 polar puns
you walrus hurt the one you love.

Posted by: cmeat at July 09, 2026 04:01 PM (R11M+)

245 179 150 Somebody ask Muldoon if there is a medical code for this.
Posted by: Weasel at July 09, 2026 03:48 PM (PVV5z)
*****************
ICD Burning transition

It should be named after him. I guess he is still alive somewhere? Did not mention death.

Maybe he was listening to Burning Love by Elvis while on meth.

I did not have penis self transitioning on my 2026 Bingo Card.

Posted by: ChristyBlinkyTheGreat at July 09, 2026 04:01 PM (hzuYO)

246 A recession is when you cut your neighbor's dick off and light it on fire...

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 04:01 PM (LCr8f)

247 *start PSA*

This is your penis.

This is drugs.

This is your severed penis on fire.

Any questions?

*end PSA*

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 04:01 PM (2YhKe)

248 If thine penis offends they cut it off, pour gasoline on it, and burn down a garage

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 04:02 PM (sKqQm)

249 The wound he inflicted to his genitalia was nearly a foot in circumference as it left his testes exposed and led his penis to be “degloving” from his body, the report stated.

Johnnie Cochran has entered the chat.

Posted by: Mr Aspirin Factory at July 09, 2026 04:02 PM (ex18v)

250 It's OK. He can grow another one on the back of a mouse.

Posted by: South Park at July 09, 2026 04:02 PM (UjdFS)

251 223 "If Christopher cuts off his dick and lights it on fire, are YOU going to cut of your dick and light it on fire?"
Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:58 PM (2YhKe)

After coming home from a long bike ride out to the river to go swimming at 14... I said all my friends went out there soooo...

Mom used that exact logic, but 'if your friends told you to jump off a cliff, would you?'

Uh... Mom... why do you think we went to bend in the RIVER to swim? the one next to... the CLIFF?

Posted by: Mom at July 09, 2026 04:02 PM (mP0Kj)

252 188
it'll make it easier for him to pass kidney stones.

Posted by: Frank Barone at July 09, 2026 03:54 PM (OkYzo)

Cystoscopies a bit easier too, but the sphincter crossing will still suck.

Posted by: jim (in Kalifornia) at July 09, 2026 04:02 PM (l3cgK)

253 Austin progressives just despise black women. Nothing Crockett could have done would have convinced them to not vote for Talarico like Syrians voting for Assad.
Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:00 PM (va4Cb)

So, what you're saying is that when Crockett says that she didn't get the nomination because Democrats are rayciss is correct. And you're not wrong.

Posted by: I used to have a different nic at July 09, 2026 04:03 PM (ExV1e)

254 "Do you smoke after sex?"

"Just the once....."

Posted by: mikeski at July 09, 2026 04:03 PM (VHUov)

255 Posted by: Mom at July 09, 2026 04:02 PM (mP0Kj)

Serious sock failage...

Posted by: Romeo13 at July 09, 2026 04:03 PM (mP0Kj)

256 Very good.

https://x.com/spencerpratt/status/
2075036220803993958
Posted by: bob (moron inbobnitus) at July 09, 2026 04:00 PM (c5Ogl)

I'm old enough to remember being able to watch videos on X without having an account on X.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 04:03 PM (2YhKe)

257 First Date Chatter:

"I'll let you know right now that I had a little fire..."

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero43) at July 09, 2026 04:03 PM (qhbYO)

258
There are other ways you can go about claiming to be a victim of a crime....

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 04:03 PM (Fi81e)

259 This reminds me of a Ryan Long joke...

So you've heard of the manosphere right? And we should all be concerned about young men listening to them. But so far you've got them telling young men get rich and get p*ssy and the other side saying how about your cut off your d*ck and respect the p*ssy instead I mean who would have thought young men would choose the former?!?

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 04:03 PM (sKqQm)

260 This is boring. Some German guy a while back put an ad in personals that he wanted to cut someone's dick off and eat it, and he was looking for a volunteer. He got ... many volunteers.

He finally picked one lunatic and cut his dick off. The dickless guy wanted to eat a piece of his own dick. But he passed out from blood loss while the dick was cooking. He ended up dying without ever eating his own dick.

I'm not making any of this up. There was a big murder (?) trial about it in Germany.

Posted by: Elric The Blade at July 09, 2026 04:03 PM (iFTx/)

261 179 150 Somebody ask Muldoon if there is a medical code for this.
Posted by: Weasel at July 09, 2026 03:48 PM (PVV5z)
************

The nice part of my brain tells me "do not laugh."

Yet here I am. Stuck in the middle with youze.

Posted by: ChristyBlinkyTheGreat at July 09, 2026 04:03 PM (hzuYO)

262 Will a penis burn? Glad somebody else tested the theory.
Posted by: Guy Mohawk at July 09, 2026 04:01 PM (n5tGW)

Fire can't melt a penis. -- Rosie O'Donnell

Posted by: I used to have a different nic at July 09, 2026 04:04 PM (ExV1e)

263 246 A recession is when you cut your neighbor's dick off and light it on fire...

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 04:01 PM (LCr8f)

A recession is the hole left over...

Posted by: jim (in Kalifornia) at July 09, 2026 04:04 PM (l3cgK)

264 253 Austin progressives just despise black women. Nothing Crockett could have done would have convinced them to not vote for Talarico like Syrians voting for Assad.
Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:00 PM (va4Cb)

So, what you're saying is that when Crockett says that she didn't get the nomination because Democrats are rayciss is correct. And you're not wrong.

Posted by: I used to have a different nic at July 09, 2026 04:03 PM (ExV1e)

======

If they think a black woman is unelectable and a mediocre white man who has a history of saying weird things about trans kids is, then I honestly, without sarcasm, don't see another explanation.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:04 PM (va4Cb)

265 You know why AWFLs love Kamala?

Because she's not black.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:05 PM (va4Cb)

266 It's OK. He can grow another one on the back of a mouse.
Posted by: South Park at July 09, 2026 04:02 PM (UjdFS)

Some doctor is, right now, writing up a grant proposal for a wang transplant study.

Posted by: I used to have a different nic at July 09, 2026 04:05 PM (ExV1e)

267 If they think a black woman is unelectable and a mediocre white man who has a history of saying weird things about trans kids is, then I honestly, without sarcasm, don't see another explanation.

There are only two possible answers for why Kamala, who promised to continue doing what Biden did to the letter, got far fewer votes

1) Democrats don't like Indian women who pretend they are black

2) Those Biden voters never actually existed...

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 04:05 PM (sKqQm)

268 The wound he inflicted to his genitalia was nearly a foot in circumference as it left his testes exposed and led his penis to be “degloving” from his body, the report stated.
......

T.
M.
I.

Posted by: wth at July 09, 2026 04:05 PM (UjdFS)

269 123 I was kind of depressed.

But I have to say, this is my favorite 'a man cuts off his own penis and uses it to start a fire' story all week.

Thanks.
Posted by: Stateless
=====
A different horror version than 'Firestarter' movie. They just used the minds to do it, not their flaming cutoff bell end.

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:06 PM (E4rtv)

270 Now he'll never make it as a concert pianist. He can't even play Heart and Soul. And you can only play Chopdicks once.

Posted by: Volodemer Zelenskyy at July 09, 2026 04:06 PM (47/pr)

271 199 might work out in the long run.

Posted by: cmeat at July 09, 2026 04:06 PM (R11M+)

272 Doc, my penis burns.
You may have an infection.
No Doc, I lit it on fire.
Don't do that.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at July 09, 2026 04:06 PM (n5tGW)

273 I'm not making any of this up. There was a big murder (?) trial about it in Germany.

That's one of the most German stories I've ever heard.

I think like Japan we should have nuked them for their own sake.

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 04:06 PM (sKqQm)

274 "Hey little girl is your daddy home, did he go away and leave you all alone. oooh I got a bad desire...

"Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire. "

AHHHHHH!!!!! I'm on fire! Ow ow ow.

Posted by: bob (moron inbobnitus) at July 09, 2026 04:06 PM (c5Ogl)

275 If they think a black woman is unelectable and a mediocre white man who has a history of saying weird things about trans kids is, then I honestly, without sarcasm, don't see another explanation.
Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:04 PM (va4Cb)

I have known several Austin liberals. There is no need to search for another explanation.

Posted by: I used to have a different nic at July 09, 2026 04:06 PM (ExV1e)

276 The wound he inflicted to his genitalia was nearly a foot in circumference as it left his testes exposed and led his penis to be “degloving” from his body, the report stated.

This sounds strangely a lot like the surgery to correct Peyronie's Disease.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 04:06 PM (2YhKe)

277 Look at it this way, at least he had the good sense to cut it off first.

Posted by: bob (moron inbobnitus) at July 09, 2026 04:06 PM (c5Ogl)

278 The guy cut off his penis then immolated it.
He wasn't even protesting anything.
Must have been bored

Posted by: Smell the Glove at July 09, 2026 04:06 PM (m2wmY)

279 Even the NY Post has puns or peens in the write up. Lol.

I am thinking he was mocked by his name too much as a child and then went nuts, hating his neighbor's goat or mowing the lawn at 7am.

He does not look like your basic meth head. Altho he does look tired, which we all would after this event.

Posted by: ChristyBlinkyTheGreat at July 09, 2026 04:07 PM (hzuYO)

280 T.
M.
I.
Posted by: wth
------
Amateur version of the even more disturbing read of sex change operations. About like DIY lobotomy.

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:07 PM (E4rtv)

281 If they think a black woman is unelectable and a mediocre white man who has a history of saying weird things about trans kids is, then I honestly, without sarcasm, don't see another explanation.
==
Wait, if you are trying to convince me that a bunch of Texas liberal progressives are actually super racist, well I gotta tell ya, I reached that conclusion quite some time ago.

Posted by: Bill Nye, sarcastic guy at July 09, 2026 04:07 PM (anL5R)

282 I suppose this is the other side of flaming clown boners...

Posted by: Brother Tim sez: Fiat Justicia, Ruat Caelum at July 09, 2026 04:07 PM (OUMaO)

283 275 I have known several Austin liberals. There is no need to search for another explanation.

Posted by: I used to have a different nic at July 09, 2026 04:06 PM (ExV1e)

=======

"Black people are too stupid to get voter ID which is why voter ID is racist."

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:07 PM (va4Cb)

284 This sounds strangely a lot like the surgery to correct Peyronie's Disease.

I got some ad for a treatment for this on youtube - it was a bunch of guys playing pool talking about how the treatment wasn't AS BAD as you might think it would be.

Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 04:07 PM (sKqQm)

285 Peden just answered the old question:

"What would you do for a Klondike bar?"

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 04:07 PM (Fi81e)

286 It'll grow back, right?

Posted by: Christopher Peden at July 09, 2026 04:08 PM (47/pr)

287 281 If they think a black woman is unelectable and a mediocre white man who has a history of saying weird things about trans kids is, then I honestly, without sarcasm, don't see another explanation.
==
Wait, if you are trying to convince me that a bunch of Texas liberal progressives are actually super racist, well I gotta tell ya, I reached that conclusion quite some time ago.

Posted by: Bill Nye, sarcastic guy at July 09, 2026 04:07 PM (anL5R)

======

It just needs to be said often.

To black Democrats.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:08 PM (va4Cb)

288
There are only two possible answers for why Kamala, who promised to continue doing what Biden did to the letter, got far fewer votes

1) Democrats don't like Indian women who pretend they are black

2) Those Biden voters never actually existed...
Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 04:05 PM (sKqQm)

I think that was my favorite part about Trump destroying her in 2024.

"Where did those 8 million voters go?!?!?!"

BWWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 04:08 PM (2YhKe)

289 263 246 A recession is when you cut your neighbor's dick off and light it on fire...

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 04:01 PM (LCr8f)

A recession is the hole left over...
Posted by: jim (in Kalifornia)
-----
Holey Moley!!

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:08 PM (E4rtv)

290 As a positive point, he didn't kill any residents of the house.

Posted by: L - No nic, another fine day at July 09, 2026 04:08 PM (NFX2v)

291 276 The wound he inflicted to his genitalia was nearly a foot in circumference as it left his testes exposed and led his penis to be “degloving” from his body, the report stated.

This sounds strangely a lot like the surgery to correct Peyronie's Disease.
Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 04:06 PM (2YhKe)

This was the meth head's surgery, not Peden's, to be clear. Peden's was apparently a teeny, tiny bit less horrific since he's alive enough for a mug shot.

Posted by: ChristyBlinkyTheGreat at July 09, 2026 04:09 PM (hzuYO)

292 It'll grow back, right?
Posted by: Christopher Peden

Just like a starfish. Good as new.

Posted by: Mr Aspirin Factory at July 09, 2026 04:09 PM (ex18v)

293 Must have been bored
==
Well, maybe I'm being silly, but there are plenty of ways to assuage boredom aside from hacking off your penis and setting it on fire, as exciting as that may be...

Solitare perhaps?

Posted by: Bill Nye, sarcastic guy at July 09, 2026 04:09 PM (anL5R)

294 256 Very good.

https://x.com/spencerpratt/status/
2075036220803993958
Posted by: bob (moron inbobnitus) at July 09, 2026 04:00 PM (c5Ogl)

I'm old enough to remember being able to watch videos on X without having an account on X.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 04:03 PM (2YhKe)

There are ways...there are free viewers where you copy the url into the field and you can view without logging in.

Posted by: jim (in Kalifornia) at July 09, 2026 04:09 PM (l3cgK)

295 I think that was my favorite part about Trump destroying her in 2024.

"Where did those 8 million voters go?!?!?!"

BWWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
Posted by: Sponge
=======
Done to the tune of Baby Don't Leave Me by the Supremes.

Baby Baby,
Where did my votes go .......

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:09 PM (E4rtv)

296 I saw Flaming Clown Boners open for Insane Clown Posse at The Starplex in '91.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 04:09 PM (2YhKe)

297 Another NY Times story had a 21 year old son stabbing his mother to death in her multimillion house where they both lived. His pictures may give a hint to motive. In one he was holding a lawnmower blade with a set of ironworking tongs. In another picture he had on his best girlface.

Posted by: Eromero at July 09, 2026 04:10 PM (LHPAg)

298 The Eggos I'm cooking are a tiny bit charred.
I guess I can't complain, eh?

CNN - Iran strikes
MS Now - Patel spending

Posted by: Stateless - He ain't heavy, he's my dog at July 09, 2026 04:10 PM (Sco7b)

299 https://x.com/spencerpratt/status/
2075036220803993958
Posted by: bob (moron inbobnitus) at July 09, 2026 04:00 PM (c5Ogl)

I'm old enough to remember being able to watch videos on X without having an account on X.
Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer
---------------------
Yeah, really annoying -- just for you, the Insty ONT comment link to an embed, where you can watch it without signing it.

http://disq.us/p/363oyr7

Posted by: bob (moron inbobnitus) at July 09, 2026 04:10 PM (c5Ogl)

300
Oh, great, just read there's another recall of eye drops, this time some prescription prednisolone product. They may contain some "unspecified foreign substance". And they're manufactured in India.

This outsourcing our pharmaceutical production to third world shitholes is going great, ain't it?

Posted by: publius, Rascally Mr. Miley (w6EFb) at July 09, 2026 04:10 PM (w6EFb)

301 What lousy reporting. The story doesn't even say how big the penis was.

Posted by: James Talarico at July 09, 2026 04:11 PM (qhbYO)

302 I'm old enough to remember being able to watch videos on X without having an account on X.

Posted by: Sponge
=======
Eh, X has free accounts, you just aren't verified if you pay and your account can easily be screwed if you post or piss off people. I keep one now not to make any comments but simply for access to news.

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:11 PM (E4rtv)

303
I bet he likes his marshmellows burned black too.

Posted by: Frank Barone at July 09, 2026 04:11 PM (OkYzo)

304 I think that was my favorite part about Trump destroying her in 2024.

"Where did those 8 million voters go?!?!?!"

BWWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 04:08 PM (2YhKe)

----------------

The White Hats (Dat Be Rayciss!) in the 2024 IC shut down the Serbian Server before it could ejaculate itself prematurely in The Election Results.

Posted by: ShainS -- Tricentennial or Bust! at July 09, 2026 04:11 PM (8E2xC)

305 He wasn't even protesting anything.
Must have been bored
Posted by: Smell the Glove at July 09, 2026 04:06 PM (m2wmY

Or that garage held Bibi's secrets. I know which is more likely. My oldest friend, who lives there, is a Catholic Palestinian person of brown. The genitalcide must go on.

Posted by: Candace at July 09, 2026 04:12 PM (BI5O2)

306 Fifth circuit,

Brett Shumate

@AAGShumate
·
41m
The Fifth Circuit has held that federal law prevents states from providing in-state tuition benefits to illegal aliens.

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:12 PM (E4rtv)

307 I'm old enough to remember being able to watch videos on X without having an account on X.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 04:03 PM (2YhKe)
---
If you pasted it so that you had "%20" in the URL, that happened to me earlier.

But i was able to edit it in a text editor, splice the two parts together and it brought me to the post without having to log in.

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 04:12 PM (Fi81e)

308 For some reason I'm suffering a sudden onset of shrinkage.

Posted by: wth at July 09, 2026 04:13 PM (UjdFS)

309 I got some ad for a treatment for this on youtube - it was a bunch of guys playing pool talking about how the treatment wasn't AS BAD as you might think it would be.
Posted by: 18-1 at July 09, 2026 04:07 PM (sKqQm)
***********
My understanding is the treatment is done under anesthesia with a ball peen hammer, and involves a plaster cast traction and bedrest with a nurse named Sparkles who is also a judge.

I had never heard of peyronie's til Bill Clinton. Maybe it's a sign of rapists and Platner needs to be questioned.

I also made this up due to too many Saturday cartoons, Mad Magazine, and all the volumes of Far Side by Gary Larson.

Posted by: ChristyBlinkyTheGreat at July 09, 2026 04:13 PM (hzuYO)

310 306 Fifth circuit,

Brett Shumate

@AAGShumate
·
41m
The Fifth Circuit has held that federal law prevents states from providing in-state tuition benefits to illegal aliens.

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:12 PM (E4rtv)

========

False.

The courts have not sided with us a single time since FDR. Not one time.

This is obviously fake news.

And even if it's true, it's obviously bad news because it might not be forever.

Black pill!

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:13 PM (va4Cb)

311 72 I'm kind of disappointed that the link goes to the New York Post, who are famous for their creative by-lines and they couldn't come up with anything.
Posted by: Orson at July 09, 2026 03:38 PM (dIske)

Yeah, something like " Dickless Man found in Detached Garage" would have fit the bill.

Posted by: Minuteman at July 09, 2026 04:13 PM (47/pr)

312 .....and so the term Torch Dick was born

Posted by: Berserker-Dragonheads Division at July 09, 2026 04:13 PM (S41Gd)

313 Issues. He's got issues. Maybe one less today.

Posted by: Indiana Lurker (Not Fort Wayne) at July 09, 2026 04:13 PM (3ZVqj)

314 256 that was like, two days ago.

Posted by: cmeat at July 09, 2026 04:14 PM (R11M+)

315 Awww,

BREAKING: Illinois State Rep. Carol Ammons (D) and her husband, Champaign County Clerk Aaron Ammons, INDICTED on federal charges for allegedly using campaign donations for personal use and directing state grants to orgs which paid their daughter

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:14 PM (E4rtv)

316 Matches are now going to have to have a consumer warning. Do not use to light a penis.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at July 09, 2026 04:14 PM (n5tGW)

317 Yeah, something like " Dickless Man found in Detached Garage" would have fit the bill.
Posted by: Minuteman at July 09, 2026 04:13 PM (47/pr)

I saw at least two snark sentences my good man.

Posted by: ChristyBlinkyTheGreat at July 09, 2026 04:14 PM (hzuYO)

318 315 Awww,

BREAKING: Illinois State Rep. Carol Ammons (D) and her husband, Champaign County Clerk Aaron Ammons, INDICTED on federal charges for allegedly using campaign donations for personal use and directing state grants to orgs which paid their daughter

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:14 PM (E4rtv)

=======

This is not Obama, so it doesn't count as the DOJ going after Democrats.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:14 PM (va4Cb)

319 What lousy reporting. The story doesn't even say how big the penis was.

Posted by: James Talarico at July 09, 2026 04:11 PM (qhbYO)

-----------------

As my flat-chested first love used to say, James:

"Anything more than a mouthful is wasted ..."

Posted by: ShainS -- Tricentennial or Bust! at July 09, 2026 04:14 PM (8E2xC)

320 Matches are now going to have to have a consumer warning. Do not use to light a penis.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at July 09, 2026 04:14 PM (n5tGW)
---
Radial arm saws, too.

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 04:14 PM (Fi81e)

321 If Christopher cuts off his dick and lights it on fire, are YOU going to cut of your dick and light it on fire?"
Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 03:58 PM (2YhKe)
******
Things mothers should teach their sons.

Posted by: redridinghood at July 09, 2026 04:15 PM (NpAcC)

322 Austin progressives just despise black women. Nothing Crockett could have done would have convinced them to not vote for Talarico like Syrians voting for Assad.
Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:00 PM (va4Cb)
-----

I live outside Austin. I think it's less that Austin Liberals don't like black women than it is that they vastly prefer weird-ass pseudo-dudes who say weird shit about trans kids, because that's what they all are. Weird, soft, Talarico-looking dudes and the "women" that have sex with them. All creepy as fuck.

Posted by: Candace Owens at July 09, 2026 04:15 PM (oqH4h)

323 twitchy just almost now:

Platner's Last Power Play: Won't Withdraw From Maine Senate Race Until Last Possible Minute on Monday

Posted by: gnats local 678 at July 09, 2026 04:15 PM (CWTWj)

324 Illinois State Rep. Carol Ammons (D) and her husband, Champaign County Clerk Aaron Ammons, INDICTED on federal charges for allegedly using campaign donations for personal use and directing state grants to orgs which paid their daughter.
====
*Cleveland chuckles*

Posted by: How's about you let me wet my beak? at July 09, 2026 04:15 PM (anL5R)

325 whoops, that sock is stale from yesterday

Posted by: ballistic at July 09, 2026 04:15 PM (oqH4h)

326 Awww,

BREAKING: Illinois State Rep. Carol Ammons (D) and her husband, Champaign County Clerk Aaron Ammons, INDICTED on federal charges for allegedly using campaign donations for personal use and directing state grants to orgs which paid their daughter

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:14 PM (E4rtv)

-----------

"Please tell me she's single and not yellow!"

/obligatory Hunter Biden

Posted by: ShainS -- Tricentennial or Bust! at July 09, 2026 04:16 PM (8E2xC)

327 Black pill!
Posted by: TheJamesMadison

If all you consume is mainstream media, it is designed to depress and demotivate the Right. And that includes Fox. Same with local news, --if it bleeds, it leads. Turn that shit off.

Even online sites like accuweather have been putting up 'scary' temperature predictions that were multiple degrees off from the official NWS survey. All to get looks and attention.

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:16 PM (E4rtv)

328
To Build a Fire

Posted by: Hadrian the Seventh at July 09, 2026 04:16 PM (O0L8i)

329 322 Austin progressives just despise black women. Nothing Crockett could have done would have convinced them to not vote for Talarico like Syrians voting for Assad.
Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:00 PM (va4Cb)
-----

I live outside Austin. I think it's less that Austin Liberals don't like black women than it is that they vastly prefer weird-ass pseudo-dudes who say weird shit about trans kids, because that's what they all are. Weird, soft, Talarico-looking dudes and the "women" that have sex with them. All creepy as fuck.

Posted by: Candace Owens at July 09, 2026 04:15 PM (oqH4h)

=======

Their inherent racism tells them that it's because Talarico says things they like, but it's really no more than the fact that he's white. They wouldn't treat a black person who said the same things that way.

They must supplicate themselves to the black woman for a temporary reprieve from their guilt.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:17 PM (va4Cb)

330 "Anything more than a mouthful is wasted ..."

Posted by: ShainS -- Tricentennial or Bust! at July 09, 2026 04:14 PM (8E2xC)

I'm gonna have to remember that one

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 04:17 PM (LCr8f)

331 Another think X does that really sucks - they cut off the last few words of embedded tweets so that you have to click "more" to read the rest.

I understand that they want the clicks and views, but it just sucks.

If I ever make a tweet, I will add lorem ipsum... at the end to thwart that.

Posted by: bob (moron inbobnitus) at July 09, 2026 04:17 PM (c5Ogl)

332 Notice, buttplug malfunction in court.

Eric Daugherty
@EricLDaugh
·
1h
🚨 UPDATE: Tyler Robinson was just spotted visibly PANICKING, "squirming, uncomfortable, swinging in his chair" when texts were read about his rifle and the Charlie Kirk assassination

He KNOWS he is cooked, and the defense' objections are proving to accomplish nothing.

MAXIMUM PUNISHMENT, ASAP.

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:17 PM (E4rtv)

333 They'll have to make him a new penis, which will be really ugly.
I don't think they have waiting lists for penises.

Posted by: redridinghood at July 09, 2026 04:17 PM (NpAcC)

334 Joey Chestnut just tweeted, 'I'm good here.'

Posted by: Rev. Wishbone at July 09, 2026 04:17 PM (fkjGs)

335 300
Oh, great, just read there's another recall of eye drops, this time some prescription prednisolone product. They may contain some "unspecified foreign substance". And they're manufactured in India.

This outsourcing our pharmaceutical production to third world shitholes is going great, ain't it?
Posted by: publius, Rascally Mr. Miley (w6EFb) at July 09, 2026 04:10 PM (w6EFb)
************
Other than deportation of illegals, revealing corruption and bombing Iran...THIS is an issue the President and worthless Congress should be focused on.

Our OWN medication pharmaceutical production. Which I thought was mentioned during the plandemic and drug shortages, IV shortages, etc, etm.

Posted by: ChristyBlinkyTheGreat at July 09, 2026 04:18 PM (hzuYO)

336 312 .....and so the term Torch Dick was born
Posted by: Berserker-Dragonheads Division
=======
I've heard of a flaming case of herpes but that is ridiculous.

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:18 PM (E4rtv)

337 327 Black pill!
Posted by: TheJamesMadison

If all you consume is mainstream media, it is designed to depress and demotivate the Right. And that includes Fox. Same with local news, --if it bleeds, it leads. Turn that shit off.

Even online sites like accuweather have been putting up 'scary' temperature predictions that were multiple degrees off from the official NWS survey. All to get looks and attention.

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:16 PM (E4rtv)

=======

Our side does a shit job of following up on stories that interest us and could be signals for how we should see the world.

Because the right doesn't have a great investigative reporting body, relying on small operations like O'Keefe, so we have to take most of our editorial signals from larger orgs controlled by leftists.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:18 PM (va4Cb)

338 On his own? Dude...

Posted by: John Bobbitt at July 09, 2026 04:18 PM (sWgE+)

339 "I don't think they have waiting lists for penises.
Posted by: redridinghood"

Are you kidding?

Posted by: George Tacki at July 09, 2026 04:18 PM (MWfyi)

340 Platner's Last Power Play: Won't Withdraw From Maine Senate Race Until Last Possible Minute on Monday

Posted by: gnats local 678 at July 09, 2026 04:15 PM (CWTWj)

Power Play? That is some seriously faggy shit.

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 04:19 PM (LCr8f)

341 The Fifth Circuit has held that federal law prevents states from providing in-state tuition benefits to illegal aliens.
——

Whatabout sex change operations for illegal aliens on death row?

(I remember bringing this up some years back, as a point, reductio ad absurdum or whatever.

Then states started doing this. LOL. However depraved you think these fuckheads in government can be, you’re wrong, or something

Posted by: Common Tater at July 09, 2026 04:20 PM (Gcul1)

342 He KNOWS he is cooked, and the defense' objections are proving to accomplish nothing.

MAXIMUM PUNISHMENT, ASAP.
Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:17 PM (E4rtv)

****************
Buck Toothed Tranny Furry is also getting a baldspot. Now I need to go watch him squirm.

Don't look at the female defense lawyer too closely or you may go blind.

Posted by: ChristyBlinkyTheGreat at July 09, 2026 04:20 PM (hzuYO)

343 Even online sites like accuweather have been putting up 'scary' temperature predictions that were multiple degrees off from the official NWS survey. All to get looks and attention.
==
Fear Marketing. Its a little discussed but widely used tactic now. It is used everywhere.

Posted by: How's about you let me wet my beak? at July 09, 2026 04:20 PM (anL5R)

344 This outsourcing our pharmaceutical production to third world shitholes is going great, ain't it?
Posted by: publius
======
Now think about how CEOs are bringing in H1B Indians for coding on things like, well aircraft like the 737 Maxx or other mission critical tasks. OR they are outsourcing that to India.

What could go wrong?

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:20 PM (E4rtv)

345 286 It'll grow back, right?

Posted by: Christopher Peden at July 09, 2026 04:08 PM (47/pr)

Putting a hot iron on it woulda been better...

Posted by: jim (in Kalifornia) at July 09, 2026 04:21 PM (l3cgK)

346 Is there any way we can help make this a trend amongst the Left?

Maybe some Tik Tok videos. Maybe get some celebrities to make a commercial.

Maybe a new unisex cologne.

SEARED INTO MEMORY, by Peden

Posted by: sifty boones at July 09, 2026 04:21 PM (+5Eyx)

347 Power Play? That is somto e seriously faggy shit.

Posted by: ... at July 09, 2026 04:19 PM (LCr8f)

----------------

That sounds like a euphemism for a World Cup Soccer team playing a man down.

/Once again, I denounce myself ...

Posted by: ShainS -- Tricentennial or Bust! at July 09, 2026 04:21 PM (8E2xC)

348 Their inherent racism tells them that it's because Talarico says things they like, but it's really no more than the fact that he's white. They wouldn't treat a black person who said the same things that way.

They must supplicate themselves to the black woman for a temporary reprieve from their guilt.
Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:17 PM (va4Cb)
----
To clarify, I'm not saying they're NOT racist, because all progressives are in fact racist.

I'm just saying that Talarico's particular creepiness scratches an itch they have that Jasmine Ratchet can't scratch, and couldn't scratch even if she were as white as Elizabeth Warren. See also: Beto O'Rourke. Same creepy soft totally-not-a-homo dude vibe.

Posted by: ballistic at July 09, 2026 04:21 PM (oqH4h)

349 Top mystery click in the sidebar -

I didn't recognize those lyrics, but knew it had to be the Moody Blues based on the pretentiousness alone.

Posted by: Biff Pocoroba at July 09, 2026 04:22 PM (XvL8K)

350 Just a couple of days ago, I was musing on whether I would have the strength of will to saw my own arm off if I were stranded with it wedged between rocks.

But to cut off your junk for shits and grins?

Posted by: Axeman at July 09, 2026 04:23 PM (Fi81e)

351 333 They'll have to make him a new penis, which will be really ugly.
I don't think they have waiting lists for penises.
Posted by: redridinghood at July 09, 2026 04:17 PM (NpAcC)
______________________________

There's a waiting list (clears throat and talks in a deeper lower voice), and it's long. My goal is to work an elevator without using my hands.

Posted by: Eliott Page at July 09, 2026 04:23 PM (dIske)

352 346 Is there any way we can help make this a trend amongst the Left?

Posted by: sifty boones at July 09, 2026 04:21 PM (+5Eyx)

Men, be like Mooch!

Posted by: Stateless - He ain't heavy, he's my dog at July 09, 2026 04:23 PM (Sco7b)

353 309 i read about it in "motherless brooklyn,"

Posted by: cmeat at July 09, 2026 04:23 PM (R11M+)

354 whoops, that sock is stale from yesterday
Posted by: ballistic
......

I wash mine after use.

Posted by: wth at July 09, 2026 04:23 PM (UjdFS)

355 62 "Where are you going now?"

"Um, Snap-on-Tools..."
Posted by: Cheerful Reprobate at July 09, 2026 03:36 PM (JH34D)

King Missile - Detachable penis - Promo (ScottishTeeVee Version)
https://youtu.be/55uaB-0nawo

That version is good quality, but with annoying 'watermarks' added by the channel. I found another version uploaded by the director, but the dildo is uncensored:

King Missile - "Detachable Penis" (1992)
*NSFW* https://vimeo.com/87372422 *NSFW*

Posted by: SciVo at July 09, 2026 04:23 PM (Sy6m/)

356 348 To clarify, I'm not saying they're NOT racist, because all progressives are in fact racist.

I'm just saying that Talarico's particular creepiness scratches an itch they have that Jasmine Ratchet can't scratch, and couldn't scratch even if she were as white as Elizabeth Warren. See also: Beto O'Rourke. Same creepy soft totally-not-a-homo dude vibe.

Posted by: ballistic at July 09, 2026 04:21 PM (oqH4h)

=======

I'm just trying to lay out the intellectual framework for why AWFLs are racist, can never stop being racist, and that the black community needs to know it at all possible opportunities.

It's so bad that AWFLs need to stop having children in order to prevent the promulgation of the white race.

Posted by: TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films at July 09, 2026 04:23 PM (va4Cb)

357 nood --- flaming dick

No wait, Platner.

Posted by: bob (moron inbobnitus) at July 09, 2026 04:24 PM (c5Ogl)

358 Is there any way we can help make this a trend amongst the Left?

Maybe some Tik Tok videos. Maybe get some celebrities to make a commercial.

Maybe a new unisex cologne.

SEARED INTO MEMORY, by Peden

Posted by: sifty boones at July 09, 2026 04:21 PM (+5Eyx)

------------

HUGO BOSS WATTLED FTW!

Posted by: ShainS -- Tricentennial or Bust! at July 09, 2026 04:24 PM (8E2xC)

359
He just wanted a BBC.

Big Burned Cock

Posted by: Zombie Aretha Franklin at July 09, 2026 04:25 PM (y9nCu)

360 To Build a Fire
Posted by: Hadrian the Seventh at July 09, 2026 04:16 PM (O0L8i)

You asked for it..............

https://youtu.be/INXSTzGavec

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 04:25 PM (2YhKe)

361 Same creepy soft totally-not-a-homo dude vibe.
==
Yeah, now that you mention it, its almost like we've been invaded by aliens. Space aliens. Who aren't quite human, can't quite simulate human masculinity or femininity.

Posted by: Pitch Meeting? at July 09, 2026 04:25 PM (anL5R)

362
Ack. Sock fail.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at July 09, 2026 04:25 PM (y9nCu)

363 I've heard of using a stick to light a fire, but never your own.

Posted by: SkinnerVic at July 09, 2026 04:26 PM (P7+Lo)

364 NOODlum.

Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 04:26 PM (2YhKe)

365 And now for something completely different : A 82 year old woman survives for nine days in her bathtub which she had tripped into. She credits her survival to faith, determination and prayer:

Sunny Skyz site

https://tinyurl.com/37jfdre6

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at July 09, 2026 04:27 PM (AphQx)

366 Christopher Peden just became the top pick to replace Platner as Democrat candidate for Senate.

If not found to be a sex pest or abuser, he could be the better man.

And now he's a household name. (Name recognition is half the battle.)

Posted by: L - No nic, another fine day at July 09, 2026 04:27 PM (NFX2v)

367 Our side does a shit job of following up on stories that interest us and could be signals for how we should see the world.

Because the right doesn't have a great investigative reporting body, relying on small operations like O'Keefe, so we have to take most of our editorial signals from larger orgs controlled by leftists.
Posted by: TheJamesMadison
======
I realized that in the Obama era which is what led me to read a lot of blog comments and blogs as well as more obscure news sources. Pretty much use the original source rule now as much as possible.

Posted by: whig at July 09, 2026 04:28 PM (E4rtv)

368 250 It's OK. He can grow another one on the back of a mouse.
Posted by: South Park at July 09, 2026 04:02 PM (UjdFS)

My husband just asked why I am laughing.

I have to go try to be normal now.

Posted by: ChristyBlinkyTheGreat at July 09, 2026 04:29 PM (hzuYO)

369 Might be most cringe worthy thread in awhile

Posted by: Skip at July 09, 2026 04:29 PM (Ia/+0)

370 I've been white for most of my life.
Posted by: Sponge - F*ck Cancer at July 09, 2026 01:45 PM (2YhKe)

A hunka hunka of burning love muscle.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at July 09, 2026 04:32 PM (1z8ji)

371
.....and so the term Torch Dick was born
Posted by: Berserker-Dragonheads Division
=======

He was one of the Fabulous Four

Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at July 09, 2026 04:34 PM (Cqx++)

372 Boy! They never taught me that in the Boy Scouts!
Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks, Fat, Dumb, and Happy at July 09, 2026 03:37 PM (ndZc7)

I remember them cutting a corner off your Tote & Chip card. But this seems a bit extreme.

Posted by: GWB at July 09, 2026 04:34 PM (kU0PQ)

373 371
.....and so the term Torch Dick was born
Posted by: Berserker-Dragonheads Division
=======

He was one of the Fabulous Four
Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at July 09, 2026 04:34 PM (Cqx++)
________________________

Tweek it a bit. Candle Dick (candle wick)

Posted by: Orson at July 09, 2026 04:35 PM (dIske)

374 it was the detached garage, also, you are welcome

Posted by: Goat Breath at July 09, 2026 04:38 PM (jrgJz)

375 A hunka hunka of burning love muscle.
Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at July 09, 2026 04:32 PM (1z8ji)

Gack! That was a quip in regard to this thread. Sponge quote got inserted by my clumsiness with keyboard.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at July 09, 2026 04:53 PM (1z8ji)

376 WTF dude cut off your right arm. Save the hand that gets you off. Then burn shit.

Posted by: yep at July 09, 2026 05:05 PM (s9TOl)

377 If I cut off my penis I wouldn't have much to think about.

Posted by: yep at July 09, 2026 05:15 PM (s9TOl)

378 The most disturbing thing about this story is the mugshot of him. He doesn't appear to be in any discomfort.

Posted by: Orson at July 09, 2026 05:24 PM (dIske)

379 That goes a bit beyond stepping on one's own dick

Posted by: Drink Like Vikings at July 09, 2026 05:50 PM (vCj+j)

380 Supervillain to henchman:

"Bic! I said use your Bic!"

"I can't even with you..."

Posted by: Thatch at July 09, 2026 06:04 PM (6F3ng)

381 Dr. Peter Venkman: 'This man has no dick.'

Posted by: John at July 09, 2026 06:19 PM (9NUKl)

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