Media Headlines If Jesus Ran As The GOP Nominee [Warden]

Earlier today Twitter user, William Strunk Jr, observed that today's media would trash any GOP candidate, including Jesus Christ.

If Jesus Christ was a Republican the MSM would characterize him as a weak loser who ditched his followers in the end. @MomsDement
— William Strunk, Jr. (@cdrusnret) October 24, 2016

I thought this was a fun idea to riff on, so I threw a few of my own out. You can do this with literally any good person doing any good deed. Below is my first attempt. I tossed a few more below the fold. Give me your best Vox type headline in the comments.

Jesus Christ seen yelling, flipping over tables and chasing priests. Does he have the temperament to have his finger on the nuclear button? https://t.co/8ZbW4ZW9Kg
— Run Them Down (@Warden_AoS) October 24, 2016

Chilling: Jesus heals blind person. Undercover investigation reveals no license to practice medicine/malpractice insurance. https://t.co/8ZbW4ZW9Kg
— Run Them Down (@Warden_AoS) October 24, 2016

Disturbing pictures show Jesus' self serving mountain speech disturbed nearby nesting baby bald eagles. https://t.co/8ZbW4ZW9Kg
— Run Them Down (@Warden_AoS) October 24, 2016

Investigative report shows Jesus Christ very friendy with wild, bug eating cousin who routinely attempts to drown citizens in a river. https://t.co/8ZbW4ZW9Kg
— Run Them Down (@Warden_AoS) October 24, 2016

Revealed: Christ's Cross Not Made From Reclaimed Wood. Did Jesus Ignore The Chance To Make A Statement About Climate Change? https://t.co/8ZbW4ZW9Kg
— Run Them Down (@Warden_AoS) October 24, 2016

From carpenter to fisherman. What does Jesus' obsession with classically masculine jobs say about his problem with women? https://t.co/8ZbW4ZW9Kg
— Run Them Down (@Warden_AoS) October 24, 2016

Fact Check: Pontius Pilate is correct that hand washing does indeed improve public health. We give dirty, smelly Jesus 4 pinocchios. https://t.co/pLw984KCEW
— Run Them Down (@Warden_AoS) October 24, 2016

Healer or groper? Did Jesus routinely touch poor and desperate women without consent? https://t.co/8ZbW4ZW9Kg
— Run Them Down (@Warden_AoS) October 24, 2016

And finally...

@Warden_AoS #NeverJesus movement insists they are not pro-Barabbas.
— Blast Hardcheese (@claudeakinsmask) October 24, 2016

Posted by: Open Blogger at 08:39 PM

Comments

(Jump to bottom of comments)

1 Sadly true

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 08:50 PM (hVdx9)

2 BREAKING: Inside source reveals truth of Jesus' relationship with Mary Magdelene

Posted by: Brother Cavil, That Deplorable Guy at October 24, 2016 08:50 PM (vyqqu)

3 OMG! FIRRRSSST! And I even read the content.

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 08:50 PM (hVdx9)

4 That's funny

Posted by: Votermom the Deplorable @vm on Gab.ai at October 24, 2016 08:50 PM (Om16U)

5 Well, as long as He was not affiliated with the Judean People's Front, then I'm still on His side.

Posted by: Pug Mahon aka the Deplorable P.U.G. at October 24, 2016 08:50 PM (hhV+y)

6 The MFM will gladly report Trump supporters being loaded into cattle cars.

And they stupidly don't realize they are Useful Idiots, easily discarded by the elites who control them.

Posted by: Jane D'oh, Deplorable Redneck Queen at October 24, 2016 08:51 PM (928Aa)

7 Jesus advocated unsustainable fishing practices on Galilee. Also ignored EPA warning about feet and water.

Posted by: weft cut-loop at October 24, 2016 08:51 PM (EIOkK)

8 Jesus thinks he's a lamb. Is he into bestiality?

Posted by: pep at October 24, 2016 08:51 PM (LAe3v)

9 Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

Posted by: John Torturro at October 24, 2016 08:51 PM (6Erfn)

10 This just in: Jesus cannot swim. chooses instead to walk on the water.

Coward? Or charlatan? Shocking footage after the break.

Posted by: Pug Mahon aka the Deplorable P.U.G. at October 24, 2016 08:53 PM (hhV+y)

11 Jesus can't even get through a wedding ceremony without wine.

Posted by: pep at October 24, 2016 08:53 PM (LAe3v)

12 Breaking Bread: Fellowship Or Violent, Toxically Masculine Riitual?

Posted by: Warden at October 24, 2016 08:53 PM (FmCfS)

13 Jesus takes loaves and fishes from the middle class and re-distributes to the poor masses.

Doesn't he know that's Government's job. No respect for public servants, obviously.

Posted by: Mephitis Texit Texit Texit at October 24, 2016 08:53 PM (wc6R6)

14 2 BREAKING: Inside source reveals truth of Jesus' relationship with Mary Magdelene

First thing that popped in my head.

And honestly - can we trust a simple carpenter to be in charge ? Dude never even went to community college.

Posted by: ScoggDog at October 24, 2016 08:53 PM (fiGNd)

15 Did Jesus carelessly stain a perfectly good cloak with his face? Learn the real scandal behind the Shroud of Turin.

Posted by: Splunge at October 24, 2016 08:54 PM (iMxBJ)

16 No "can't swim" yet?

Posted by: Burnt Toast at October 24, 2016 08:54 PM (P/kVC)

17 Corgis called.

Today is my birthday. How fitting I Gump my way into posting first.

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 08:55 PM (hVdx9)

18 Jesus born in Jerusalem, site of the Crusades that slaughtered Muslim population.

Posted by: pep at October 24, 2016 08:55 PM (LAe3v)

19 I actually don't have a sense of humor with the thread.

Posted by: Jane D'oh, Deplorable Redneck Queen at October 24, 2016 08:55 PM (928Aa)

20 Did Jesus's so-called loaves and fishes "miracle" violate local food service laws? And isn't this "miracle" actually bad news for the local fishermen and bakers whose livelihoods have been endangered?

Posted by: Steeldoc at October 24, 2016 08:56 PM (5x5HJ)

21 Jesus forgives tax collector, but still doesn't release his returns.

Posted by: Jean at October 24, 2016 08:56 PM (ngn8T)

22 Breaking: Jesus throwing "religious" parties where wine is consumed!

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 08:56 PM (hVdx9)

23 Jesus is a Jewish Zionist; he reportedly who drinks blood. Is it the blood of Palestinian children?

Posted by: shibumi, a deplorable who now just wants to yell at stupid people at October 24, 2016 08:56 PM (hqqM5)

24 Revealed: Jesus' short sales on the fish and bread commodity markets

Posted by: Splunge at October 24, 2016 08:56 PM (iMxBJ)

25 Jesus seen consorting with prostitutes!

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 08:56 PM (hVdx9)

26 Well, as long as He was not affiliated with the Judean People's Front, then I'm still on His side.

Splitter!

Posted by: Weirddave at October 24, 2016 08:56 PM (Ga9pP)

27 Shocking Report : Jesus' plan to turn Water into Wine would destroy the California Economy, Damage Fragile Ecosystem while adding Hundreds of Millions to the National Debt.

Posted by: garrett at October 24, 2016 08:56 PM (6Erfn)

28 Children forced to drink wine at a wedding, Jesus should be locked up for endangering children.

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at October 24, 2016 08:56 PM (dKiJG)

29 Backwards yokel finally takes my advice and dies. Didn't vote against Trump, so shame on him.

Posted by: Kevin 'Auric' Williamson at October 24, 2016 08:57 PM (EIOkK)

30
Jesus cast out devils into a herd of swine.

His speciesism has no role in a tolerant society!

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at October 24, 2016 08:57 PM (BK3ZS)

31 Jesus feed multitude with hidden bread and fish; what else is he hiding from us?

Posted by: Deplorable, Catholic and irredemable Redneck tcn in AK at October 24, 2016 08:57 PM (cm1Bl)

32 The original scary clown at the edge of the woods? Jesus throws traumatizing scare into Saul of Tarsus; refuses to pay for years of needed therapy.

Posted by: Splunge at October 24, 2016 08:57 PM (iMxBJ)

33 Okay.

Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.

Brought up on charges of practicing medicine without a license.

Posted by: Jane D'oh, Deplorable Redneck Queen at October 24, 2016 08:58 PM (928Aa)

34 There is no mention of Jesus ever pay taxes.

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at October 24, 2016 08:58 PM (dKiJG)

35 Jesus: The next Jim Jones?

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 08:58 PM (hVdx9)

36 Jesus thinks he's a lamb but his doctors insist he's psychologically stable. Our doctors weigh in on his delusions after the break.

Posted by: shibumi, a deplorable who now just wants to yell at stupid people at October 24, 2016 08:58 PM (hqqM5)

37 Pretty funny, personally I could never see myself voting for that hippie

Posted by: JoshO at October 24, 2016 08:58 PM (eJ5Wc)

38 Jesus spent 40 days in the Wilderness "talking to God". Refused to call 911. Is he stable?

Posted by: pep at October 24, 2016 08:58 PM (LAe3v)

39 I've read that Jesus threatened violence against "MAPs"... (Matthew 18:5)

Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 24, 2016 08:58 PM (kP16F)

40 We lterally have no records on this guy, on than some birth announcement, until he pops up at age 33.

Who's behind this guy?

Posted by: Barack Obama, The Real Jesus at October 24, 2016 08:59 PM (/FLNB)

41 Happy Birthday Tilikum Killer Assault Whale!!

Posted by: washrivergal at October 24, 2016 08:59 PM (CFc5L)

42 Jesus touched me!

Posted by: Jean at October 24, 2016 08:59 PM (ngn8T)

43 26 Well, as long as He was not affiliated with the Judean People's Front, then I'm still on His side.

Splitter!
Posted by: Weirddave at October 24, 2016 08:56 PM (Ga9pP)

And here I thought WE were the Judean People's Front. So, we are the People's Front of Judea? I need to write this down.... but not in Latin.

Posted by: Deplorable, Catholic and irredemable Redneck tcn in AK at October 24, 2016 08:59 PM (cm1Bl)

44
Jesus changed water into wine with neither FDA approval nor inspection.

Massive fines headed his way -- no pleading poverty as reason not to pay this time, "Son of God"!

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at October 24, 2016 08:59 PM (BK3ZS)

45 Jesus gives Sermon On The Mount; ignores universal rule that the open act is not supposed to overshadow the headliner.

Posted by: Splunge at October 24, 2016 08:59 PM (iMxBJ)

46 The Truth About Jesus : He's a JOOOO!

Posted by: garrett at October 24, 2016 09:00 PM (6Erfn)

47 The three wise men - were they really wise men, or drug dealers? Frankincense? Myrhh?

Posted by: pep at October 24, 2016 09:00 PM (LAe3v)

48 Today is my birthday. How fitting I Gump my way into posting first.

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 08:55 PM (hVdx9)

It's our gift to you. We talked about it in the break room while you were in the john.

Happy Birthday!

Posted by: OldDominionMom at October 24, 2016 09:00 PM (GzDYP)

49 Jesus: a non-union carpenter that can't be trusted to make the best decisions for working class Americans.

Posted by: shibumi, a deplorable who now just wants to yell at stupid people at October 24, 2016 09:00 PM (hqqM5)

50 Jesus, the so-called law and order candidate, interrupts legal proceedings against known harlot.

Let he who is without a criminal record cast the first ballot!

Posted by: BurtTC at October 24, 2016 09:00 PM (Pz4pT)

51 Are Jesus followers a scary new cult?

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:00 PM (P8951)

52 The MFM will gladly report Trump supporters being loaded into cattle cars.

And they stupidly don't realize they are Useful Idiots, easily discarded by the elites who control them.

Posted by: Jane D'oh, Deplorable Redneck Queen at October 24, 2016 08:51 PM (928Aa)

Well, they are irredeemable. Trump supporters.

The MSM are very malleable.

Posted by: Burnt Toast at October 24, 2016 09:01 PM (P/kVC)

53 Happy Birthday Tilikum Killer Assault Whale!!

Posted by: washrivergal
****

Thank you.
I have not had a first post in a few years. Funny I have one today.

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 09:01 PM (hVdx9)

54 Jesus triggers Joos in the Temple. Doesn't offer #SafeSpace.

Posted by: Jane D'oh, Deplorable Redneck Queen at October 24, 2016 09:01 PM (928Aa)

55 Was Jesus Born in Canada?

Posted by: garrett at October 24, 2016 09:01 PM (6Erfn)

56
Jesus' father Joseph claims, "I'm not the guy!" who impregnated Mary.

Census takers demand DNA test to establish paternity.

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at October 24, 2016 09:01 PM (BK3ZS)

57 Jesus said the poor will always be with us.

He is a pretty anti-social guy. Not a believer in Social Justice.

Probably a white Palestinian.

Posted by: Bossy Conservative....outlaw in America at October 24, 2016 09:02 PM (S6Pax)

58 @33, Jane D'oh

Practised medicine without a license on the Sabbath!

*clutches pearls

Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 24, 2016 09:02 PM (kP16F)

59
Bad Work Ethic- a limerick

Jesus had political wishes
But the media attacks were quite vicious
"He walked on the water
When he hadn't of oughter.
And on weekends he just loafs and fishes

Posted by: Muldoon at October 24, 2016 09:02 PM (wPiJc)

60 Extremist tells followers to get naked and buy swords. Film at 11.

Posted by: weft cut-loop at October 24, 2016 09:02 PM (EIOkK)

61 Fringe rabbi who trashed temple market warns followers to arm themselves

Posted by: Brother Cavil, That Deplorable Guy at October 24, 2016 09:02 PM (vyqqu)

62 Jesus wants to be the next Ceaser.

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at October 24, 2016 09:02 PM (dKiJG)

63 19 I actually don't have a sense of humor with the thread.

The advantage of reading a book ... any book ... is that the heroes and villains are plainly marked in advance.

This thread is funny - and ironic, which adds to the funny - because of that.

Posted by: ScoggDog at October 24, 2016 09:02 PM (fiGNd)

64 Birth of Jesus caused major traffic jam in Bethlehem.

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:02 PM (P8951)

65

As a child Jesus slept with farm animals!

Posted by: In Vino Veritits at October 24, 2016 09:02 PM (qul7b)

66 In a shocking turn of events, respected prosecutor Pontias Pilate refused to air his opinion of Jesus. Is he being intimidated by pro-Jesus fanatics?

Posted by: shibumi, a deplorable who now just wants to yell at stupid people at October 24, 2016 09:02 PM (hqqM5)

67 Elder Abuse? Jesus says no one can come to his Father except through him. Pretty suspicious.

Posted by: Splunge at October 24, 2016 09:03 PM (iMxBJ)

68 Today is my birthday. How fitting I Gump my way into posting first.

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 08:55 PM (hVdx9)

It's our gift to you. We talked about it in the break room while you were in the john.

Happy Birthday!

Posted by: OldDominionMom
****

Awwww, thanks. And I thought everyone stopped talking when I came back because I had some TP stuck to my shoe.

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 09:03 PM (hVdx9)

69 Was Jesus Born in Canada?
Posted by: garrett

That's a threadwinner if I ever saw one.

Posted by: Bossy Conservative....outlaw in America at October 24, 2016 09:03 PM (S6Pax)

70 Jesus resurrects Jairus' daughter and Lazarus, despite long waiting lists of those in need of organ donors.

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at October 24, 2016 09:03 PM (mBYZv)

71 Who is Jesus' real father? Read our inside scoop on Mary's baby daddy.

Posted by: CaliGirl at October 24, 2016 09:03 PM (Q5Ymk)

72 Jesus was born WHERE?

Posted by: Meremortal, Bigly Matters... at October 24, 2016 09:03 PM (3myMJ)

73 "BREAKING: Inside source reveals truth of Jesus' relationship with Mary Magdelene"

Seems legit

Posted by: Karen King at October 24, 2016 09:04 PM (6FqZa)

74 Jesus Christ disturbs sensitive wetlands during careless coastal romp.

Posted by: Bill O'Reilly Sniffs Imperiously at October 24, 2016 09:04 PM (xZKFb)

75 Was Jesus radicalised during his childhood in Egypt? Let us see the transcripts!

Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 24, 2016 09:04 PM (kP16F)

76 Jesus practices transplants without a medical license.

Posted by: Ben Had at October 24, 2016 09:04 PM (gR5Vc)

77 Jesus trespasses on farm, sleeps in manger without owner's permission.

Posted by: Splunge at October 24, 2016 09:04 PM (iMxBJ)

78 Jesus: Opposed to equal pay for equal work, pays cronies who show up late, same as those who worked all day.

Posted by: BurtTC at October 24, 2016 09:04 PM (Pz4pT)

79 Jesus was hung on a cross of non-sustainable wood. He hated the earth.

Posted by: Jane D'oh, Deplorable Redneck Queen at October 24, 2016 09:04 PM (928Aa)

80 Jesus believes in only 2 GENDERS, is he really fit to be President next on CNN

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at October 24, 2016 09:05 PM (dKiJG)

81
Jesus referred to threading a camel through the eye of a needle.

PETA and ISPCA demand investigation of his propensity to practice animal cruelty.

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at October 24, 2016 09:05 PM (BK3ZS)

82 Jesus slut shames Samaritan woman at well. Racist dogwhistle?

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at October 24, 2016 09:05 PM (mBYZv)

83 Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 08:55 PM (hVdx9)
Happy Birthday to you!

Posted by: CaliGirl at October 24, 2016 09:05 PM (Q5Ymk)

84 Judas-hero or scapegoat?

Posted by: pep at October 24, 2016 09:05 PM (LAe3v)

85 Jesus Refuses Pledge to Honor Election Outcome

Posted by: garrett at October 24, 2016 09:06 PM (6Erfn)

86 Jesus loves the little children.

Posted by: freaked at October 24, 2016 09:06 PM (BO/km)

87 Jesus: Against Government helping the poor!

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 09:06 PM (hVdx9)

88 Happy birthday, Tilikum Killer Assault Whale!

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at October 24, 2016 09:06 PM (QZLci)

89 "Insider" who brought down fringe rabbi agrees to interview
UPDATE: "Insider" found hanged, authorities call death "suspicious", former fellows wanted for questioning

Posted by: Brother Cavil, That Deplorable Guy at October 24, 2016 09:06 PM (vyqqu)

90 Jesus calls respected establishment figures "hypocrites" and "whited sepulchres."

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:06 PM (P8951)

91 Drama Queen: So you were born. Good for you. Let the shepherds do their work already.

Posted by: Splunge at October 24, 2016 09:06 PM (iMxBJ)

92 Romans have no one to blame for the rise of Jesus but themselves.

Posted by: tu3031 at October 24, 2016 09:06 PM (qJhUV)

93 Overheard on Morning Show tour bus: Jesus tells of drunken party, when he told friends to "eat me."

Posted by: BurtTC at October 24, 2016 09:06 PM (Pz4pT)

94 ...I am SO going to hell for these.

Posted by: Brother Cavil, That Deplorable Guy at October 24, 2016 09:07 PM (vyqqu)

95 Jesus was a secret Monarchist... anti Democracy...

Always talking about the KINGDOM of Heaven...

Posted by: Don Q.. at October 24, 2016 09:07 PM (qf6WZ)

96 Jesus refuses to endorse Hillary.

Posted by: Splunge at October 24, 2016 09:07 PM (iMxBJ)

97

Does Jesus have a belly button? Film at eleven!

Posted by: In Vino Veritits at October 24, 2016 09:07 PM (qul7b)

98 Jesus suspected of providing bootleg wine to under-age consumers.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at October 24, 2016 09:07 PM (CUYn5)

99 Headline....Repubs shit on their candidate.

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:07 PM (VDc7u)

100 Try this one life hack:

Jesus Saves!

Posted by: tbodie at October 24, 2016 09:07 PM (Bpc14)

101 Gah. This entire thread is actually sad.

This is what our world has come down to. Our masters in the MFM and the government.

Posted by: Jane D'oh, Deplorable Redneck Queen at October 24, 2016 09:07 PM (928Aa)

102 Jesus Flip Flops ...

... Trade Your Cloak, or Beat Your Ploughshare ?

We Report, You Decide.

Posted by: ScoggDog at October 24, 2016 09:08 PM (fiGNd)

103 Juice King Hates on Barren Trees or Something

Posted by: vox.com at October 24, 2016 09:08 PM (EIOkK)

104 Jesus Followers mainly poor, uneducated and rural.

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:08 PM (P8951)

105 'Night all.

Posted by: Jane D'oh, Deplorable Redneck Queen at October 24, 2016 09:08 PM (928Aa)

106 Even one his inner circle denied him three times in one night!

Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 24, 2016 09:08 PM (kP16F)

107 Does Jesus pay his fair share of taxes? Render unto Cesar indeed!

Posted by: BurtTC at October 24, 2016 09:09 PM (Pz4pT)

108 Jesus denied telling Peter he could see his house from up here.

Posted by: tu3031 at October 24, 2016 09:09 PM (qJhUV)

109 Jesus wants to turn our country into a Christian run nation!!!

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at October 24, 2016 09:09 PM (AetST)

110 Jesus wandered for 40 days in the wilderness.

Is he lost? Who would follow him?

Posted by: Bossy Conservative....outlaw in America at October 24, 2016 09:09 PM (S6Pax)

111

Does Jesus have a Lazeruth Puthy?

Posted by: In Vino Veritits at October 24, 2016 09:09 PM (qul7b)

112 Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:08 PM (P8951)
And easily led.

Posted by: CaliGirl at October 24, 2016 09:09 PM (Q5Ymk)

113 Fact Check: Jesus claims Dad is great spirit in the sky. Do you see anything up there?

Posted by: The NYT at October 24, 2016 09:09 PM (BO/km)

114 Reporter: "Your most devoted cohort is on record denying you not once, not twice, but thrice. How do you choose to respond to this?"

Posted by: Pug Mahon aka the Deplorable P.U.G. at October 24, 2016 09:09 PM (hhV+y)

115 Jesus Saves!

Posted by: tbodie at October 24, 2016 09:07 PM (Bpc14)

But Moses invests!

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at October 24, 2016 09:09 PM (CUYn5)

116 Jesus wants his supporters to drink his blood and eat his flesh, How crazy is this man, we have a panel of psychiatrists you tell you just how crazy he is.

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at October 24, 2016 09:10 PM (dKiJG)

117 Jesus, The First Muslim President?

Posted by: Pepe, The Irredeemable at October 24, 2016 09:10 PM (/SdD1)

118 Jesus dad killed Kenedy

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:10 PM (VDc7u)

119 Cannibalism, foot fetishist, calls Peter a Rock Star (doesn't even mention Chaka Khan), prays in non-free-trade olive garden, grabs unknown man's ass, kicked out of mom's basement at 30 yo. Would you trust this guy with the keys to the kingdom? Well, even BB Peter wouldn't.

Posted by: bergerbilder at October 24, 2016 09:10 PM (27WlQ)

120 Jesus makes water into wine, violates Federal Alcohol Tax law. Felony

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at October 24, 2016 09:10 PM (7H/2n)

121 Dude, Jesus is like a hundred years old.

Posted by: Meremortal, Bigly Matters... at October 24, 2016 09:10 PM (3myMJ)

122
Luntz' Dunces unable to summon sufficient attention to draw continuously their "approve / disapprove" lines in sand during Jesus' "Sermon on the Mount".

Skeptics jeer.

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at October 24, 2016 09:11 PM (BK3ZS)

123 Jesus loves me this I know, because the bible tells me so, and fuck all the rest of you koran asswipes.

Posted by: Ben Had at October 24, 2016 09:11 PM (gR5Vc)

124 Very funny you guys.

Posted by: Jesus at October 24, 2016 09:11 PM (BO/km)

125 Jesus caught with prostitutes!

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at October 24, 2016 09:11 PM (AetST)

126 How soon before some of the usual suspects show up and start whining about you comparing Trump to Jesus?

Posted by: buzzion at October 24, 2016 09:11 PM (z/Ubi)

127 Jesus's followers are uneducated and easy to lead.

Posted by: Michael the Deplorable TEXIT at October 24, 2016 09:12 PM (nvMvs)

128 Jesus never attended College, how can we trust a man that never went to Yale or Harvard, next on CNN.

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at October 24, 2016 09:12 PM (dKiJG)

129

Jesus racist for denying Romans?

Posted by: In Vino Veritits at October 24, 2016 09:12 PM (qul7b)

130 Why does so much of the World Series have to be played on something called "Progressive Field?"

Posted by: Splunge at October 24, 2016 09:12 PM (iMxBJ)

131 He just rolled in from Nazareth, and was feeling about half - past dead.

Nothing good ever came out of Nazareth. Hillbilly Jewish trash.

Posted by: Bossy Conservative....outlaw in America at October 24, 2016 09:12 PM (S6Pax)

132 And in today's Papyrus Points ...

... Cleopatra ? Hot piece of South of the Med ass ? Or Serious Threat to The Republic ?

Later tonite on Orrillius. Because We're Lookin' Out For the Plebes.

Posted by: Willium Orrillius at October 24, 2016 09:13 PM (fiGNd)

133
Jesus accused of knowing trial questions prior to Pilate asking them of him.

His ~~twelve~~ eleven disciples deny charge as "delusional".

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at October 24, 2016 09:13 PM (BK3ZS)

134 Trump endorses Jesus! Proof he is unfit for office.

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 09:13 PM (hVdx9)

135 Jesus loves me....he loves me a bunch and he always put Skippy in my lunch (stolen)

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:14 PM (VDc7u)

136 As a baby Jesus accepted unregistered gifts from foreign dignitaries. We need to see his tax returns.

Posted by: Muldoon at October 24, 2016 09:14 PM (wPiJc)

137 Female accuser comes forth, no longer likes the coffee table and bookcase Jesus made for her 11 years ago.

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:14 PM (P8951)

138 #NeverJesus

Posted by: @PeeteySDee at October 24, 2016 09:14 PM (4F5k0)

139 Parks and Wildlife fine Jesus for over the limit catch.

Posted by: Ben Had at October 24, 2016 09:14 PM (gR5Vc)

140
124 Very funny you guys.

Posted by: Jesus at October 24, 2016 09:11 PM (BO/km)

Oh, oh...

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at October 24, 2016 09:14 PM (BK3ZS)

141 Jesus let woman cry on his feet and then she dried them with her hair -- what kind of kinky sex ritual is this?

Posted by: OregonMuse, deplorable since 2004 at October 24, 2016 09:14 PM (Ssg3D)

142 Jesus calls his followers "sheep."

Posted by: Michael the Deplorable TEXIT at October 24, 2016 09:14 PM (nvMvs)

143 Jesus actually personally knew 7 or 8 Corinthians.

Posted by: Muldoon at October 24, 2016 09:15 PM (wPiJc)

144 Jesus supporter attacks authorities with a sword. One officer injured. Treated and released after losing ear.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at October 24, 2016 09:15 PM (AetST)

145 Breaking! Jesus is an elitist enemy of the working man! Left no tip at the last supper!

Posted by: Cheri at October 24, 2016 09:15 PM (TmVQX)

146 What no trolls. Probably burst into a semblance of Moses' Burning Bush if they jumped on this one.

"Did you see the burning bush on that one?"

Well at least we know now about Xim or Xer. Did you get a closer look?

Posted by: Mephitis Texit Texit Texit at October 24, 2016 09:15 PM (wc6R6)

147 Jesus curses fig tree, creates food desert.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at October 24, 2016 09:15 PM (7H/2n)

148 Failed to pay restaurant bill for Last Supper, but ultimately got nailed for it.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at October 24, 2016 09:15 PM (CUYn5)

149 Dick Trumpka comes forth, reveals Jesus and his father were non-union carpenters.

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:15 PM (P8951)

150 140

124 Very funny you guys.

Posted by: Jesus at October 24, 2016 09:11 PM (BO/km)

Oh, oh...

Did it just get warm in here?

Posted by: pep at October 24, 2016 09:15 PM (LAe3v)

151 Multi-shekelaire demands to know who grabs his cloak. #frankandsense #aramaicpriviledge

Posted by: vox.com at October 24, 2016 09:15 PM (EIOkK)

152 Jesus threatens to destroy temple -- proof of his instability and megalomania.

Posted by: OregonMuse, deplorable since 2004 at October 24, 2016 09:16 PM (Ssg3D)

153

Jesus denies high achievers, settles for meek failures.

Posted by: In Vino Veritits at October 24, 2016 09:16 PM (qul7b)

154 Carpenter claims to be the great I AM.
Was crucified.

P. Pilate email account hacked
To: J. Ceasar
Sure hope we got t hat one right

Posted by: teej at October 24, 2016 09:16 PM (HddOg)

155 Joseph. The father Jesus never talks about.

Posted by: tu3031 at October 24, 2016 09:16 PM (qJhUV)

156 138 #NeverJesus thread winner~!

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:16 PM (VDc7u)

157 Oh, oh...
Did it just get warm in here?

Just dropped by
To see what condition
My condition was in

Posted by: Satan at October 24, 2016 09:17 PM (BO/km)

158 Report: did Jesus manipulate an honest civil servant in the tax department into returning taxes to favored citizens? Watch this shocking expose at 11.

Posted by: Northernlurker at October 24, 2016 09:17 PM (hJrjt)

159 104 and 114. Hahaha

Posted by: Warden at October 24, 2016 09:17 PM (FmCfS)

160 Jane. I've never liked any political persuasion using the usual What would Jesus do? thing.
That said I have to believe He has a sense of humor.

Posted by: Diogenes at October 24, 2016 09:18 PM (0tfLf)

161 Jesus and his followers distributed bread loaded with gluten.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at October 24, 2016 09:18 PM (7H/2n)

162 5 reasons why Jesus tells his followers to trust him. # 3 will shock you!

Posted by: Michael the Deplorable TEXIT at October 24, 2016 09:18 PM (nvMvs)

163

Jesus' actual words erased, no record: ScrollBleach?

Posted by: In Vino Veritits at October 24, 2016 09:18 PM (qul7b)

164 Hey Jesus....who's yer' daddy???

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (VDc7u)

165 What, like with a cloth?

Posted by: St. Veronica at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (iMxBJ)

166 Followers watch in horror as 'teacher' rubs mud and spit in blind dude's eyes!!!eleventy1!2

Posted by: vox.com at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (EIOkK)

167 Jesus feeds thousands without restaurant or food handling license.

Posted by: OregonMuse, deplorable since 2004 at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (Ssg3D)

168 Just dropped by
To see what condition
My condition was in

Posted by: Satan at October 24, 2016 09:17 PM (BO/km)

Here's a file. Sharpen those barbs! Tom Hayden isn't whimpering enough.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (CUYn5)

169 Judas was just following the law and turned in a law breaker for a reward.

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (dKiJG)

170 That said I have to believe He has a sense of humor.
Posted by: Diogenes at October 24, 2016 09:18 PM (0tfLf)

I sure hope so, or we're all doomed.

Posted by: Pug Mahon aka the Deplorable P.U.G. at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (hhV+y)

171 165 What, like with a cloth?
Posted by: St. Veronica at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (iMxBJ)

Thread winner

Posted by: Votermom the Deplorable @vm on Gab.ai at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (Om16U)

172

Jesus moves huge rock with this one weird trick!

Posted by: In Vino Veritits at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (qul7b)

173 Jesus resorts to propaganda tactics reminiscent of Nazis and Communists: Releases hit single "Jesus is just alright with me" simultaneously with Broadway musical Jesus Christ Superstar"

(Happy bday, Tilikum. How's 29 feel?)

Posted by: L, Elle at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (6IPEM)

174 Jesus caught selling wine that was really just water.

Posted by: Cheri at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (TmVQX)

175 OT....trump is getting crushed in early voting nevada *sigh*

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (VDc7u)

176
Mother Theresa Feeds Children Without Restaurant License.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at October 24, 2016 09:20 PM (ODxAs)

177 Expensive oil used to clean the feet of Jesus; objections of loyal follower Judas ignored.

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:20 PM (P8951)

178 Thanks for the b-day wishes hordlings.

Jesus, flash in the pan? Or here to stay?

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 09:20 PM (hVdx9)

179 Jesus commits hate crime? Calls Syrophoenecian woman 'dog'.

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at October 24, 2016 09:20 PM (mBYZv)

180
National Review staff overheard referring to Jesus' followers as "caravan trash, unsuited and unable for work even in leper colonies".

* heard in the background ... *

"Oh, a leppo colony! Now I understand the question!"

"Shut up, Gary."

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at October 24, 2016 09:20 PM (BK3ZS)

181
Missed it by that much.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at October 24, 2016 09:21 PM (ODxAs)

182 That said I have to believe He has a sense of humor.
Posted by: Diogenes
-------------

Slow to anger, but...

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at October 24, 2016 09:21 PM (7H/2n)

183 Golgatha- A hill to die on.

Posted by: Ben Had at October 24, 2016 09:21 PM (gR5Vc)

184 Grape industry hates this!

Turn wine into water using this one weird trick.

Posted by: Michael the Deplorable TEXIT at October 24, 2016 09:21 PM (nvMvs)

185 165 What, like with a cloth?
Posted by: St. Veronica at October 24, 2016 09:19 PM (iMxBJ)

Golf clap.

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:21 PM (P8951)

186

What Would Jesus Not Do? Investigating his 'proclivities...'

Posted by: In Vino Veritits at October 24, 2016 09:22 PM (qul7b)

187 Jesus resorts to propaganda tactics reminiscent of Nazis and Communists: Releases hit single "Jesus is just alright with me" simultaneously with Broadway musical Jesus Christ Superstar"

(Happy bday, Tilikum. How's 29 feel?)

Posted by: L, Elle
****

29 gets better the second year of it.

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 09:22 PM (hVdx9)

188 48 Today is my birthday. How fitting I Gump my way into posting first.

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 08:55 PM (hVdx9)

It's our gift to you. We talked about it in the break room while you were in the john.

Happy Birthday!
Posted by: OldDominionMom at October 24, 2016 09:00 PM (GzDYP)

...and so cleaning the barrel can wait till Monday. happy Birthday Tilikum. Many happy returns.

Posted by: Cannibal Bob 'America just needs more cowbell!' at October 24, 2016 09:22 PM (Y8XAC)

189 Tilikum, happy birthday!

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:23 PM (P8951)

190 175 OT....trump is getting crushed in early voting nevada *sigh*

Do they actually count early votes already?
Most states don't until election day.

Posted by: Votermom the Deplorable @vm on Gab.ai at October 24, 2016 09:23 PM (Om16U)

191 Jesus Anti-gay. Says marriage between man and woman.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at October 24, 2016 09:23 PM (AetST)

192 He made me drink his blood and eat his flesh and I am a VEGAN.

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at October 24, 2016 09:23 PM (dKiJG)

193 "You went into the wilderness for 40 days, and never took a compass or GPS?"

Jesus: "Well, I left a trail of bread crumbs."

"That's easy for you to say."

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at October 24, 2016 09:24 PM (CUYn5)

194 Today my father would have turned 100.

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:24 PM (P8951)

195 Jesus getting crushed 74% to 12 % in early voting.

Posted by: The Poll Troll at October 24, 2016 09:24 PM (k8DTS)

196 Posted by: Votermom the Deplorable @vm on Gab.ai at October 24, 2016 09:2

That's why I ignored that post.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at October 24, 2016 09:24 PM (AetST)

197 Happy birthday, Tilikum!

Posted by: Votermom the Deplorable @vm on Gab.ai at October 24, 2016 09:24 PM (Om16U)

198 OT again Nevada early voting 52 percent Democrats 29 percent republicans ....19 percent retards

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:24 PM (VDc7u)

199 Two separate biographies, supposedly the words of Jesus himself, eerily similar, with whole passages apparently lifted from somewhere else. Matthew and Mark... theft of intellectual property is not a victimless crime.

Posted by: BurtTC at October 24, 2016 09:24 PM (Pz4pT)

200 Donna and the &'s really lighting this one up.

And of course He has a sense of humor Diogenes...
He made me didn't He?

Posted by: teej at October 24, 2016 09:24 PM (HddOg)

201 What do you get a killer assault whale on his birthday?

Anything he wants.

Posted by: Bossy Conservative....outlaw in America at October 24, 2016 09:25 PM (S6Pax)

202 Jesus walks on water without personal flotation device.

Posted by: Cicero Boom chicka boom Kaboom! Kid at October 24, 2016 09:25 PM (3w+CX)

203 Jesus can't swim!

Posted by: bergerbilder at October 24, 2016 09:25 PM (27WlQ)

204 Jesus the tomb robber!? Our shocking expose will reveal how he wouldn't even let the dead rest in peace!

Posted by: junior at October 24, 2016 09:25 PM (d/pkP)

205 Is Jesus too moral? to be President, next on CNN.

Posted by: Patrick from Ohio at October 24, 2016 09:26 PM (dKiJG)

206

Jesus, pals, urinate in Olive Garden.

Posted by: In Vino Veritits at October 24, 2016 09:26 PM (qul7b)

207 Jesus overheard on Access Hollywood bus discussing loaves and mishes.

Posted by: L, Elle at October 24, 2016 09:26 PM (6IPEM)

208 It's been rainy and gloomy all day here in AZ. Maybe there is a reason why my parent's called me hellspawn.

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 09:26 PM (hVdx9)

209 Jesus predicts future. Will he allow audit to prove he has not engaged in insider trading?

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at October 24, 2016 09:26 PM (mBYZv)

210 Jesus viciously attacks religious opponents, calling them "Whitewashed sepulchres." Does this man have the temperament to be the leader of the free world? Story at eleven.

Posted by: Insomniac - Broken, No Refunds at October 24, 2016 09:26 PM (0mRoj)

211 Link for the Nevada story?

Posted by: Tim in Illinois at October 24, 2016 09:26 PM (d76uN)

212 Jesus steals donkey. Rides down middle of the street!

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at October 24, 2016 09:27 PM (AetST)

213 "Fishers of men" & "drink my blood" - shocking allegations of cannibalism by extreme new cult.
Film at 11!

Posted by: Votermom the Deplorable @vm on Gab.ai at October 24, 2016 09:27 PM (Om16U)

214 Jesus ascends into clouds without filing a flight plan - endangers local air traffic.

Posted by: pep at October 24, 2016 09:27 PM (LAe3v)

215 Exit polls say He's being crucified!

Posted by: Meremortal, Bigly Matters... at October 24, 2016 09:27 PM (3myMJ)

216 Always look on the bright side of life...

Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 24, 2016 09:27 PM (kP16F)

217 Lotta good ballplayers named Jesus, though.

Posted by: rickl the deplorable at October 24, 2016 09:27 PM (sdi6R)

218 Jesus predicts Second Coming.

Sex Maniac? Next on Springer.

Posted by: Tim in Illinois at October 24, 2016 09:27 PM (d76uN)

219 Do they actually count early votes already?
Most states don't until election day.
Posted by: Votermom the Deplorable @vm on Gab.ai at October 24, 2016 09:23 PM (Om16U)

Of course not. All these "accounts" of the early vote are both wild supposition and a heavy dose of imagination mixed with trillism.

Posted by: Nevergiveup at October 24, 2016 09:28 PM (K63aO)

220 Black Lives Matter demand Jesus apologize for his white privilege

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:28 PM (VDc7u)

221 Wonderbread Counselor has no specific plan to help the African-african community. Barackanotem denounces callousness.

Posted by: vox.com at October 24, 2016 09:28 PM (EIOkK)

222 That creep can roll, man.

Posted by: The Dude at October 24, 2016 09:28 PM (0mRoj)

223 Tweenage truant, Jesus, hung out with older men in dark places.

Posted by: BurtTC at October 24, 2016 09:28 PM (Pz4pT)

224 Jesus calms storm. Dr. Michael E. Mann: "His interference with the delicate balance of climate could have catastrophic results".

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at October 24, 2016 09:28 PM (mBYZv)

225
In the desert by Satan was tempted
And the priests in the Temple- preempted!
That Nazarene honky!
He rode on a donkey
And that guy with the lame leg? De-gimped it!

Posted by: Muldoon at October 24, 2016 09:28 PM (wPiJc)

226 Not counting votes, just party affiliations

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:28 PM (VDc7u)

227 Jesus predicts future. Will he allow audit to prove he has not engaged in insider trading?
Posted by: Steve
-------------

Very suspicious commodities deal. Turned two fishes into thousands in short time.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at October 24, 2016 09:28 PM (7H/2n)

228 Breaking! Mary claims God is father of her child. Husband Joseph forgives wife and says he will always think of Jesus as his son.

Posted by: Tuna at October 24, 2016 09:28 PM (JSovD)

229 Jesus claims All Lives Matter. BLM speaks in tongues!

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 09:29 PM (hVdx9)

230 Is Jesus' message truly for all the people? Shocking revelations about the lack of diversity among his disciples.

Posted by: Insomniac - Broken, No Refunds at October 24, 2016 09:30 PM (0mRoj)

231 Jesus highly unpopular in own hometown.

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:30 PM (P8951)

232 Jesus weeps over Jerusalem. Is he insensitive to the plight of the Palestinians?

Posted by: Northernlurker at October 24, 2016 09:30 PM (hJrjt)

233 Jesus made me uncomfortable!

Posted by: Thy neighbor at October 24, 2016 09:30 PM (BO/km)

234 Rumors of Jesus coming to Jerusalem has frenzied followers viciously ripping palm fronds from live trees.

Posted by: teej at October 24, 2016 09:30 PM (HddOg)

235 Jesus comes back to life using this one weird trick

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:31 PM (VDc7u)

236 Jesus claims to be father, son and holy ghost - apparently suffers from multiple personality disorder.

Posted by: pep at October 24, 2016 09:31 PM (LAe3v)

237 Jesus' diversity problem tonight at 11

Posted by: james at October 24, 2016 09:31 PM (jxw6R)

238 Jesus reported to be sleeping during a major storm on the Sea of Galilee. Is he truly prepared for the 3 AM phone call?

Posted by: Insomniac - Broken, No Refunds at October 24, 2016 09:31 PM (0mRoj)

239 Jesus hangs out with known criminals at Calvary.

Posted by: Muldoon at October 24, 2016 09:31 PM (wPiJc)

240
Jesus accepted illegal contributions from 3 Wise Men PAC.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at October 24, 2016 09:31 PM (ODxAs)

241 Jesus advocates the sinless to cast the first stone, raising the spectre of violence.

Posted by: Northernlurker at October 24, 2016 09:32 PM (hJrjt)

242 Lifeguard blows whistle on water walking Nazarene.

Posted by: Tuna at October 24, 2016 09:32 PM (JSovD)

243 Posted by: The Poll Troll at October 24, 2016 09:24 PM (k8DTS)

That's very funny. The whole thread is funny.

But on't be like some folks at Conservative Treehouse who confuse Jesus with the Republican candidate. ;^)

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at October 24, 2016 09:32 PM (EnGQE)

244 Is Jesus the AntiChrist? Shocking poll results at 11.

Posted by: Mega at October 24, 2016 09:32 PM (EdXI9)

245 Jesus calms the storm, Obama calls him a climate denier

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:32 PM (VDc7u)

246 Ok, I think.I've exceeded my blasphemy allowance for the night.
Off to beg forgiveness through His Mom.

Posted by: Votermom the Deplorable @vm on Gab.ai at October 24, 2016 09:32 PM (Om16U)

247 Jesus reported to have at least one tax collector among his disciples, calling into question his populist bona fides.

Posted by: Insomniac - Broken, No Refunds at October 24, 2016 09:33 PM (0mRoj)

248
Jesus DESTROYED temple using this one WEIRD trick!

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at October 24, 2016 09:33 PM (BK3ZS)

249 "My tables and chairs were a heck of a lot better than his and I never overcharged," says Bernie Sanders.

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:33 PM (P8951)

250 Jesus cast first stone at Megan Kelly

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:33 PM (VDc7u)

251 Jesus breaks bread without a permit: Rogue domestic terrorist or radical Christian?

Posted by: Fritz at October 24, 2016 09:33 PM (3P6RA)

252
Barabbas up by 12 in new ABC poll.

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at October 24, 2016 09:34 PM (kdS6q)

253 Jesus- So judgmental!

Posted by: Tilikum Killer Assault Whale at October 24, 2016 09:34 PM (hVdx9)

254 "Love your neighbour as yourself" That's just... really, really weird!

Posted by: Zettai Ryoiki, Aware and Noncompliant at October 24, 2016 09:34 PM (kP16F)

255 Jesus promises to return before ascending to heaven
Does He have a McCarther complex?

Posted by: teej at October 24, 2016 09:34 PM (HddOg)

256 OK ... as a fat old rich white Catholic guy, that shit right there is pretty funny.

Posted by: Black Phillip the Bariaur at October 24, 2016 09:35 PM (bS6uW)

257
But on't be like some folks at Conservative Treehouse who confuse Jesus with the Republican candidate. ;^)
Posted by: FenelonSpoke at October 24, 2016 09:32 PM (EnGQE)

I don't think anybody is - ace is just saying that the media would find fault with Jesus Himself if He ran as a Republican.

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:35 PM (P8951)

258 I wash my hands of this Jesus fucker.

Posted by: Er-hic Er-hicson at October 24, 2016 09:35 PM (EIOkK)

259 250 Ok, I think.I've exceeded my blasphemy allowance for the night.
Off to beg forgiveness through His Mom.

Oh....like Hell is going to be worse than a Hillary presidency???

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:35 PM (VDc7u)

260 Jesus under investigation by the local Department of Health for unlicensed food distribution.

Posted by: Insomniac - Broken, No Refunds at October 24, 2016 09:35 PM (0mRoj)

261 Jesus: an unsophisticated rube who has never left the country. His lack of foreign policy training will lead to war!

Posted by: shibumi, a deplorable who now just wants to yell at stupid people at October 24, 2016 09:36 PM (hqqM5)

262 Jesus admits that his family owns many mansions. Mysteriously, has never filed a tax return, while urging others to do so.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at October 24, 2016 09:36 PM (7H/2n)

263 This was awesome

Posted by: BacktoGA at October 24, 2016 09:36 PM (/22Vh)

264 Five Ways The Last Supper Demonstrates the Problem of White Privilege

Posted by: Vox at October 24, 2016 09:36 PM (/kYMn)

265
BTW

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) is predicting a Democratic-majority Senate next year could break out the "nuclear option" to change the rules on Supreme Court nominations.

The outgoing Democratic leader told Talking Points Memo that he's paved the way for what would be a historic change of the Senate's rules, allowing Supreme Court nominees to bypass a 60-vote procedural requirement and be approved by a simple majority.

#NeverTrump - because appoinments. Whatever.

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at October 24, 2016 09:36 PM (kdS6q)

266 Herod's first-born policy: indiscriminate slaughter or wise attempt at population control?

Posted by: Tom Friedman at October 24, 2016 09:36 PM (LAe3v)

267
Tonight on "Access Hollywood" -- "Jesus, the Sordid Secrets of His 'Egyptian' Years"

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars (TM) at October 24, 2016 09:36 PM (BK3ZS)

268 Love your neighbor....and grab her by the pussy

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:36 PM (VDc7u)

269 Jesus slams UN by claiming Bethlehem is the "City of David" and Jerusalem is the ancient capital of Israel.
Does this belligerent Zionism pose a danger to Mideast policy?

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 24, 2016 09:37 PM (Nox3c)

270 256
Barabbas up by 12 in new ABC poll.
Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at October 24, 2016 09:34 PM (kdS6q)

Judas was murdered in Fort Marcy Park. That was no suicide.

Posted by: Misanthropic Humanitarian at October 24, 2016 09:37 PM (voOPb)

271 Jesus will not recognize legitimacy of Satan victory

Posted by: Trump poisoned my cat at October 24, 2016 09:37 PM (jYCqk)

272 Jesus is often seen in the company of men and isn't married. Our expert will talk about his obviously repressed homosexual desires after the break.

Posted by: shibumi, a deplorable who now just wants to yell at stupid people at October 24, 2016 09:38 PM (hqqM5)

273 Jesus turns the other cheek. Cops charge him for inciting violence.

Posted by: Tuna at October 24, 2016 09:38 PM (JSovD)

274 Does Jesus have a head for handling the thorny issues? Full report at 11.

Posted by: Muldoon at October 24, 2016 09:38 PM (wPiJc)

275 Jesus accepted illegal contributions from 3 Wise Men PAC.

And still not spending any of his own money.

Posted by: t-bird at October 24, 2016 09:38 PM (ZIFyZ)

276 Herod's first party failed to find the little shit. Let's create another one!

Posted by: Midol Medved at October 24, 2016 09:38 PM (EIOkK)

277 Gawd.....i'm gonna get soooo banned tonight *pours one more drink*

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:38 PM (VDc7u)

278 275
Jesus will not recognize legitimacy of Satan victory

Posted by: Trump poisoned my cat

bwahahahaha

Posted by: pep at October 24, 2016 09:38 PM (LAe3v)

279 Five Ways The Last Supper Demonstrates the Problem of White Privilege

Posted by: Vox at October 24, 2016 09:36 PM (/kYMn)

But are they really "white white".
A new category is needed.

Posted by: Burnt Toast at October 24, 2016 09:39 PM (P/kVC)

280 Jesus will not recognize legitimacy of Satan victory
---

Thread Winner.

Posted by: shibumi, a deplorable who now just wants to yell at stupid people at October 24, 2016 09:39 PM (hqqM5)

281 Jesus furious about this natural herb that will get you into heaven, every time!

Posted by: Meremortal, Bigly Matters... at October 24, 2016 09:39 PM (3myMJ)

282 Exclusive story! What really went on in the desert!

Posted by: Tuna at October 24, 2016 09:40 PM (JSovD)

283 Jesus sidesteps issue of Roman taxation of the Jews. Does this show lack of preparation on domestic policy?

Posted by: Insomniac - Broken, No Refunds at October 24, 2016 09:40 PM (0mRoj)

284 For those getting discouraged about early voting...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzBE0S9Evxk

Posted by: SMFH at my deplorable self... at October 24, 2016 09:40 PM (S9J47)

285 Jesus: Can We Really Trust the Son of Noted Mass Murderer Yahweh?

Posted by: eddie at October 24, 2016 09:40 PM (wZwwd)

286 Our expert will talk about his obviously repressed homosexual desires after the break.
Posted by: shibumi
--------------

You have 'Bishop' Spong in the queue, don't you?

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at October 24, 2016 09:40 PM (7H/2n)

287 Old rabbi remembers the first time Jesus visited the Temple: "what a know-it-all kid!"

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:41 PM (P8951)

288 Jesus and the Bible clearly need to be thrown out and re-imagined from an African perspective.

Posted by: South African Snowflake Society at October 24, 2016 09:41 PM (GdgAM)

289 Jesus rates Mary Magdalene a "five."

Jesus to upper middle class white women: "you are so fat you couldn't pass through the eye of a needle."

Jesus stiffed John the Baptist.

Jesus hasn't rendered in at least twenty years.

Posted by: Trump poisoned my cat at October 24, 2016 09:42 PM (jYCqk)

290 Healer or groper? Did Jesus routinely touch poor and desperate women without consent?

Man, that is funny stuff. Somebody should send this who;e thread to the Trump campaign. They probably need a laugh.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at October 24, 2016 09:42 PM (EnGQE)

291 Jesus shows hypocrisy by saying "Let he is without sin," while maintaining his own sinless nature.

Posted by: cm9000 at October 24, 2016 09:43 PM (vYaiw)

292 Posted by: SMFH at my deplorable self... at October 24, 2016 09:40 PM (S9J47)

I thought about voting early, but I'm nervous about it, given the fraud. For some reason, I feel voting on Election Day will give them less of an opportunity to change or discard my vote. Maybe others feel the same.

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:44 PM (P8951)

293 Jesus doesn't believe the minimum wages of sin should be 15 shekels per hour

Posted by: Muldoon at October 24, 2016 09:44 PM (wPiJc)

294 Man, that is funny stuff. Somebody should send this who;e thread to the Trump campaign. They probably need a laugh.
Posted by: FenelonSpoke

Not the point.

The point is about the MSM and our heelish Betters on the right.

Posted by: weft cut-loop at October 24, 2016 09:44 PM (EIOkK)

295 18 Reasons Jesus shouldn't be our Savior ... and #7 will shock you !

Posted by: Buzzfeed Black Phillip at October 24, 2016 09:44 PM (bS6uW)

296 Is it just me? but I think Trump have picked a VP with a nice rack

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:44 PM (VDc7u)

297 Jesus offered world dictatorship at desert retreat!

Posted by: Headless Body of Agnew at October 24, 2016 09:44 PM (FtrY1)

298 Jesus, The Missing 18 Years.

Posted by: Meremortal, Bigly Matters... at October 24, 2016 09:45 PM (3myMJ)

299 Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at October 24, 2016 09:40 PM (7H/2n)

On an OT Episcopal note, the Eastern Orthodox priest I know (who has a degree from the Orthodox seminary and an Episcopal one-because at one time he considered becoming Episcopalian )said that he was in the same graduating class as Gene Robinson the first Episcopal gay Bishop. I said, "Boy; That's some claim to fame." ;^)

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at October 24, 2016 09:45 PM (EnGQE)

300 Jesus picks Jew for VP

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:45 PM (VDc7u)

301 Jesus' wage policy called into question as he advocates payment of one denarius regardless of hours worked. Details at ten.

Posted by: Insomniac - Broken, No Refunds at October 24, 2016 09:45 PM (0mRoj)

302 gawd i hate living in a swing state

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:45 PM (VDc7u)

303
I feel voting on Election Day will give them less of an opportunity to change or discard my vote. Maybe others feel the same.
Posted by: Donna&&&&V

I do.

Posted by: Bertram Cabot, Jr. at October 24, 2016 09:46 PM (IqV8l)

304 Posted by: weft cut-loop at October 24, 2016 09:44 PM (EIOkK)

I understand the point.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at October 24, 2016 09:46 PM (EnGQE)

305 296 Is it just me? but I think Trump have picked a VP with a nice rack
Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:44 PM (VDc7u)

---

Yeah, because with all the fuckedupness in the world, a veep with a rack is totes important.

Posted by: SMFH at my deplorable self... at October 24, 2016 09:46 PM (S9J47)

306 OK that's it for me. Jesus died for our sins and I can only riff so much. I did it twice and already feel the need to go to Confession.

Posted by: Black Phillip the Bariur at October 24, 2016 09:46 PM (bS6uW)

307 Judas, tired of being treated as a token, lashes back!

Https://youtu.be/sF2lwwxoQNU

Posted by: bergerbilder at October 24, 2016 09:47 PM (27WlQ)

308 During speech to the American Legion in Tallahassee, Jesus speaks obliquely about sowing his seeds.

Posted by: Muldoon at October 24, 2016 09:47 PM (wPiJc)

309 Jesus would be nowhere without his father.

Posted by: The NYT at October 24, 2016 09:47 PM (BO/km)

310 Ace Nood

Posted by: L, Elle at October 24, 2016 09:47 PM (6IPEM)

311 Jesus Christ, Moses, Mohammad Buddha and the Flying Spaghetti Monster walk into a bar......bartender says....what is this??? some kind of fucking joke?

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at October 24, 2016 09:48 PM (VDc7u)

312 REVEALED: Jesus offered foolproof plan to feed the whole world --- and REFUSED IT! "Let them eat words," he reportedly scoffed!

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at October 24, 2016 09:48 PM (Nox3c)

313 Jesus claims Nazareth heritage, fails to produce birth certificate.

Posted by: Insomniac - Broken, No Refunds at October 24, 2016 09:48 PM (0mRoj)

314 306 OK that's it for me. Jesus died for our sins and I can only riff so much. I did it twice and already feel the need to go to Confession.
Posted by: Black Phillip the Bariur at October 24, 2016 09:46 PM (bS6uW)

---

Considering the situation I find myself, joking about the Almighty doesn't seem right...

Posted by: SMFH at my deplorable self... at October 24, 2016 09:48 PM (S9J47)

315 Jane and voter mom, this is about slamming the press.

Here, hope this makes it better
And maybe someone will link to a great live version by Kathy on utube

Mary did you know, that your baby boy would one day walk on water
Mary did you know, that your baby boy would save our son's and daughters
Did you know, that your baby boy, has come to make you new
This child that you delivered, would soon deliver you

Mary did you know, that your baby boy would one day heal a blind man
Mary did you know, that your baby boy would calm a storm with His hand
Did you know that your baby boy, has walked where angels trod
And when you missed that little baby, you kissed the race of God

Mary did you know, that y our baby boy was Lord of all creation
Mary did u ou know, that your baby boy would one day rule the nations
Did you know, ths t your baby boy was heaven's perfect Lamb
And that sleeping child you're holding, is the Great,,, I,,, AM
Oh Mary did you know
Oh Mary did you know

Posted by: teej at October 24, 2016 09:48 PM (HddOg)

316 Jesus and Isis: both resort to flames as punishment

Posted by: pep at October 24, 2016 09:49 PM (LAe3v)

317 Considering the situation I find myself, joking about the Almighty doesn't seem right...
Posted by: SMFH

Who's joking about the Almighty?

Posted by: weft cut-loop at October 24, 2016 09:49 PM (EIOkK)

318 I dunno - I think Jesus would have a pretty good sense of humor about this thread...He liked a good time

Posted by: Donna&&&&V(deplorably brandishing ampersands&&&&and so there at October 24, 2016 09:50 PM (P8951)

319 Not the point.

The point is about the MSM and our heelish Betters on the right.
Posted by: weft cut-loop

***********

Dude, people are allowed to enjoy themselves. Lighten up.

Posted by: Warden at October 24, 2016 09:50 PM (FmCfS)

320 Lack of diversity among apostles raises troubling questions about Jesus' commitment to equality among racial and religious lines.

Posted by: cm9000 at October 24, 2016 09:51 PM (vYaiw)

321 Did Jesus benefit from foreign donations? The logs show 3 Kings from the East visited, but he did not report this visit per FOIA request?

Posted by: The Mouse that Roared at October 24, 2016 09:51 PM (7N6ox)

322 Jesus claims he is 'Son of God'. The Prophet Mohammed says, "Allah has no son". Is Jesus being deliberately offensive? Is he promoting Islamaphobia in Palestine?

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at October 24, 2016 09:51 PM (mBYZv)

323 Jesus says the Temple will be destroyed! He is undermining people's trust in government.

Posted by: Jebbas Iscariot at October 24, 2016 09:55 PM (mBYZv)

324 Fifty women come out of the shadows to claim Jesus an irredeemable pussy hound.

Posted by: Fritz at October 24, 2016 09:55 PM (3P6RA)

325 Traumatized underage girls reveal "Jesus loves me," said he told cult members to "suffer the little children unto me."

Posted by: Trump poisoned my cat at October 24, 2016 09:58 PM (jYCqk)

326 On the eve of the election, Jesus is arrested for sedition. How will that impact his chances?

Posted by: The Mouse that Roared at October 24, 2016 09:59 PM (7N6ox)

327 Jesus thrift shop for used cloaks is front for obtaining swords without a permit.

Posted by: Cicero Boom chicka boom Kaboom! Kid at October 24, 2016 10:02 PM (3w+CX)

328 Is Jesus really Pagan? Whenever someone shouts "Hey, Zeus!", he immediately acknowledges the shout out, and still refuses to produce long-form foreskin. Papyrus @ XVIII.

Posted by: bergerbilder at October 24, 2016 10:05 PM (27WlQ)

329 >>>Lack of diversity among apostles raises troubling questions about Jesus' commitment to equality among racial and religious lines.

That's my vote for threadwinner.

Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at October 24, 2016 10:07 PM (dtWKK)

330 OT Can I just say I HATE getting spam e-mails from Republicans such as Marco Rubio and Trey Gowdy making it sound like I'm their intimate friend, "Sue, (That's not my name; I'm just using it as an example, Do you have a minute.?" " Sue, let's keep this private" Gag Wretch. Ugh,

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at October 24, 2016 10:11 PM (EnGQE)

331 Posted by: FenelonSpoke at October 24, 2016 10:11 PM (EnGQE)

Sorry; Wrong thread.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at October 24, 2016 10:12 PM (EnGQE)

332 Was Jesus Born in ~~Canada~~ Canaan?
Posted by: garrett
Fixed.

Editor's text "subheadline":
Roman Augustan census unclear about birth site.

Posted by: andycanuck at October 24, 2016 10:24 PM (FP3TD)

333 Doh!

Posted by: andycanuck at October 24, 2016 10:24 PM (FP3TD)

334 Violence unleashed by Christ campaign includes crucifixion.

Posted by: Cerebral Paul Z. at October 25, 2016 12:28 AM (O9Ioj)

335 Jesus admits publican, sinner ties; still refuses to withdraw.

Posted by: Cerebral Paul Z. at October 25, 2016 12:29 AM (O9Ioj)

336 Jesus' Mystifying Middle Initial-- Does It Stand For 'Hitler'?

Posted by: Cerebral Paul Z. at October 25, 2016 12:32 AM (O9Ioj)

337 Jesus wept. (Proving he wasn't tough enough for the job).

Posted by: MF at October 25, 2016 12:41 AM (qu75y)

338 Jesus: Our First Zombie President?

Posted by: di butler, bitches at October 25, 2016 04:46 AM (Xk4GS)

339 PUPPET OF SATAN?

Jesus Seen in Desert Talking with Satan!

Shocking Transcripts Reveal Backroom Negatiation to Becone Ruler of All the Earth!

Posted by: Velocitor at October 25, 2016 07:32 AM (RQuoZ)

340 Jesus' Support Eroding as Apostles Jump Ship!

Peter Denies Three Times Before Cock Crows~

Posted by: Velocitor at October 25, 2016 07:36 AM (RQuoZ)

341 Yield to Caesar what is Caesar's???

Jesus Fails to Explain Confusing Tax Plan

Posted by: Velocitor at October 25, 2016 07:40 AM (RQuoZ)

342 Major Roman Empire News Publication deems Jesus unfit to be Christ Figure

Posted by: CC at October 25, 2016 07:32 PM (G0zje)

343 Jesus' followers strip protected palm tree for wild donkey into town

Posted by: Rhennigantx at October 26, 2016 05:20 PM (bmkS9)

344 Jesus curses fig tree # FigLivesMatter

Posted by: Rhennigantx at October 26, 2016 05:21 PM (bmkS9)

345 Jesus doesn't know 10 commandments, makes up new "love" law.

Posted by: Rhennigantx at October 26, 2016 05:26 PM (bmkS9)

346 Jesus calls out little person Zacchaeus for use of adaptive device.

Posted by: Rhennigantx at October 26, 2016 05:30 PM (bmkS9)

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