'Two cannibals were eating a clown -- one said to the other, "Does he taste funny to you?" [CBD]

'I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.'
Louis CK

'I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for.'
WC Fields

'She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.'
Bob Hope

Posted by: Open Blogger at 11:14 AM

Comments

(Jump to bottom of comments)

1 This should be fun.

Posted by: HH at March 20, 2016 11:15 AM (DrCtv)

2 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it has to want to change

Posted by: No One of Consequence at March 20, 2016 11:15 AM (b0LbM)

3 That last one is Amy Schumer, right?

Posted by: Run D MC at March 20, 2016 11:16 AM (mEs7I)

4 "I just flew in from California, where they've made homosexuality legal. I decided to get out before they made it mandatory."

Bob Hope, 1974

Posted by: OffendedMan at March 20, 2016 11:16 AM (P/8kS)

5 Hollis Sock OFF

Damn, you fixed the typo!

Posted by: garrett at March 20, 2016 11:16 AM (mEs7I)

6 Hillary said she did nothing wrong.

*drops mic*

Posted by: Roy at March 20, 2016 11:17 AM (fWLrt)

7 Obama will unify the country.-msm

Stop, my side hurts.

Posted by: artist at March 20, 2016 11:17 AM (TwnkX)

8 If Hillary is the punch line, then the joke is on us.

Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim at March 20, 2016 11:20 AM (McRlu)

9 There is a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I have been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at March 20, 2016 11:22 AM (u82oZ)

10 The elephant says to the pigmy, "How do you breathe through that thing?!'.

Posted by: Punchlines R us... at March 20, 2016 11:22 AM (mEs7I)

11 Joke thread?

Kasich's candidacy.

Posted by: Y-not (@moxiemom) at March 20, 2016 11:23 AM (t5zYU)

12 When the inventor of the USB stick dies they will gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at March 20, 2016 11:24 AM (u82oZ)

13 Why does Hillary want to be president?

She wants to finally find out what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.

Posted by: Sphynx at March 20, 2016 11:24 AM (OZmbA)

14 Two country girls, sisters, go into town. They are going to have their pictures taken, for the first time. In their Sunday dresses, with enough coins scraped together to afford the picture, with frame, they go into the town apothecary, where the photographer plies his trade.

He readies the camera, positions the girls in a nice pose. Then gets behind the camera, and tosses the hood over his head.

One sister says to the other "What he do that for, why he put that hood on?"

The other girl, a bit more worldly says "He got dat hood cuz he gonna focus."

To which her sister replies "Bofus??"

Posted by: BurtTC at March 20, 2016 11:24 AM (Dj0WE)

15 Four older fellas are playing golf when they stop at the turn for drinks and a cigar. Pretty soon the fellas start bragging about their successful sons.

Guy #1 tells the rest of them that his son is a car dealer and has made a fortune selling Cadillacs and his son just gave his sugar baby a brand new one.

Guy #2 says his son is a stock broker and made a fortune selling penny stocks and his son just gave is sexy whore a million dollar portfolio as a birthday gift.

Guy #3 says his son is a relator and has made a killing in the refi side of things and his son just gave his mistress a new waterfront home.

Guy #4 says Well, I can't say much about my son because his is a flaming homo but his boyfriends just gave him a Cadillac, a million dollar stock portfolio and a new waterfront home.

Posted by: Hairyback Guy at March 20, 2016 11:24 AM (ej1L0)

16 Back in the 90s, in the early days of the first Clintoon administration, the President and First Lady were at the ballpark for the ceremonial opening day.

Up hollers out "Play Ball!", and ol' Bill grabs Hillary by the collar and skirt, and unceremoniously hoists her up and over the box-seat wall, and drops her down onto the field.

Whereupon the Umpire trudges over to the Presidential Box, looks up and quietly says:

"Mr. President, you were supposed to throw out the first Pitch!"

Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim at March 20, 2016 11:24 AM (McRlu)

17 I'm a dyed-in-the-wool mom, baseball, apple pie loving conservative.

Posted by: John Kasich at March 20, 2016 11:28 AM (l2Bn8)

18 Bill had a human humidor.

Hillary just has a Huma.

Posted by: Sphynx at March 20, 2016 11:29 AM (OZmbA)

19 You don't come here for the hunting do you?

Posted by: The Bear at March 20, 2016 11:29 AM (On7rW)

20 Heisenberg was pulled over by the police.

The officer said Excuse me sir, but do you know how fast you were going?

He replied No, but I know where I am.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at March 20, 2016 11:29 AM (u82oZ)

21 Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap.
The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

Posted by: hairless mule at March 20, 2016 11:30 AM (EqmTZ)

22 One day, as he was flying over a tropical island, Superman saw Wonder Woman lying on her back, naked, sunning herself on the beach, so he dove down, had sex with her, and flew off in the twinkling of an eye.

"What on earth was that?" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man, "but it hurt like hell."

Posted by: ahem at March 20, 2016 11:31 AM (lKGzI)

23 >>20 Heisenberg was pulled over by the police.

A quantum mechanics joke. Heh.

Posted by: Sphynx at March 20, 2016 11:31 AM (OZmbA)

24 does your face hurt?

it's killing me.

Posted by: concrete girl at March 20, 2016 11:32 AM (ceWrl)

25 Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When
I married your mother,
the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said.
'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on .
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she
couldn't possibly wear them,
as they were too large...' I told her, 'of course they're too big. I
wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after
the wedding, he did the same thing;
took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly
wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Jack.
'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't
want you to forget that.'
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill.
'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.

Posted by: Diogenes at March 20, 2016 11:32 AM (r65B3)

26 A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Posted by: NaCly Dog at March 20, 2016 11:34 AM (u82oZ)

27 A quantum mechanics joke. Heh.

Posted by: Sphynx at March 20, 2016 11:31 AM (OZmbA)

Now, c'mon, Sphynx..... he didn't say Heisenberg was broke-down on the side of the road.

/snerk

Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim at March 20, 2016 11:34 AM (McRlu)

28 German shepherd walks into the Western Union to send a telegram. The rate is ten words for a dollar. So he writes on the slip, woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof and hands it to the operator. Guy looks at it and says hey,there are only nine words here. You could send one more woof. Dog says yeah, but that would be silly.

Posted by: Duke Lowell at March 20, 2016 11:34 AM (kTF2Z)

29 Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Posted by: The Man from Athens at March 20, 2016 11:35 AM (lQqij)

30 Is that a bug on your nose?

No, it's not.

Posted by: eman at March 20, 2016 11:35 AM (MQEz6)

31 If you took everyone who sleeps in church and laid them end to end.....

.....they'd be more comfortable.

Posted by: azkaged at March 20, 2016 11:36 AM (j5BNa)

32 How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

That's not funny, patriarchal shitlord!!!

Posted by: Insomniac at March 20, 2016 11:37 AM (0mRoj)

33 Here's one I made up (I'm sure someone, somewhere has said it as well.)

Why did Captain Crunch get his promotion?

Because Seaman Crunch just wasn't selling.

Posted by: Taro Tsujimoto at March 20, 2016 11:37 AM (/pB9Z)

34 Chemistry is a Bohr.

What would you Rutherford to be?

A Pauling

Posted by: Sphynx at March 20, 2016 11:37 AM (OZmbA)

35 OK MUMR, that was actually pretty funny.

Posted by: HH at March 20, 2016 11:37 AM (DrCtv)

36 How do you fix a broken Jack 'o Lantern?
With a pumpkin patch!

What did one fish in the tank say to the other?
"How do you drive this thing?"

Posted by: Rolf at March 20, 2016 11:37 AM (4t5BF)

37 Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.

Translation: When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

Translation: I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at March 20, 2016 11:38 AM (u82oZ)

38 Sphynx

Para docs

Ortho docs

Meta physicians.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at March 20, 2016 11:39 AM (u82oZ)

39 Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Your sister was just in here."

Posted by: Sphynx at March 20, 2016 11:39 AM (OZmbA)

40 THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
British Constitution
Loquacious Transubstantiate
Passive-aggressive disorder
Specificity

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
You're right; I can't jump over that table.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at March 20, 2016 11:40 AM (u82oZ)

41 So my girl friend said "it's either me or the dog".
So I put them booth in separate trunks of a car.
The next day I open each trunk ...and waited to see which one was happy to see me and made my choice.
______________________________________

My wife's cooking was so bad, the flies got together to repair the tear in the screen door

Posted by: danny at March 20, 2016 11:41 AM (ipWk5)

42 Husband asks wife what she wants for her upcoming birthday.

Wife says "If you know what's good for you, you'll have something parked in the garage that goes from 0-200 when I step on it."

Husband buys a bathroom scale, puts a bow on it, places it in garage for wife to find on her birthday.

Husband's funeral is scheduled for this Friday.

Posted by: BurtTC at March 20, 2016 11:41 AM (Dj0WE)

43 John Kerry walks into the same bar.

Bartender says, "You sire them two gals?"

Posted by: Sphynx at March 20, 2016 11:42 AM (OZmbA)

44 Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each with a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two fifty. Oh!

Posted by: Duke Lowell at March 20, 2016 11:44 AM (kTF2Z)

45 A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was!

Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie- the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he may still get it wrong.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at March 20, 2016 11:44 AM (u82oZ)

46 An old man picks up a hooker and they go into the alley. He drops his pants and she says she has to have the money first. He pays her and she runs off. He says so it should not be a total waste I will take a shit.

Posted by: Velvet Ambition at March 20, 2016 11:44 AM (QPdNE)

47 A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times..
Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

Posted by: Diogenes at March 20, 2016 11:44 AM (r65B3)

48 Why did Donald Trump's security detail leave the campaign rally early?

So they could beat the crowd.

Posted by: Megyn Kelly at March 20, 2016 11:45 AM (l2Bn8)

49 One day, a guy is sitting on his couch watching TV when he hears on a loud knock on his door, so he goes to the door and opens it, and there's no one there. But there's a snail on his doormat, so he picks it up and pitches it into an empty lot across the street and shuts the door.

Three years later, this same guy is sitting on his couch watching TV when he hears a loud knock on his door, so he goes to the door and opens it. No one is there, but a snail on his doormat. The snail looks up at him angrily and says, "Now, what the hell was that all about!?"

(A weird one, but I like it.)

Posted by: ahem at March 20, 2016 11:45 AM (lKGzI)

50 Little Timmy got a train set for Christmas.
The train would go around the tree and stop,
And little Johny would say:
"Whoever wants the fcuk off, off, whoever wants the fcuk
On, on...

His Mother finally heard him and, appalled, said
"Little Johny, you go up to your room this instant and think about what you've done wrong.

A couple of hours later, Little Johny is seen coming down the stairs by his Mother. She says "little Johny, if you understand what you did wrong, you can play with your train again. He nods his head, and she lets him go play some more.

She listens from the kitchen as he starts the train back up. Finally, he stops the train and says "whoever wants on, on, and whoever wants off, off. His Mother smiles real big, then Johny says,

"And whoever wants to complain about the two hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen

Posted by: Bitter Jamie Farr at March 20, 2016 11:46 AM (qYDgA)

51 My mental age is about the same as a 5yo:

Lispy kid asking -- 'Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?'

'Because it's too cold outTide.'

Imagine peals of kindergarden giggles.

Posted by: mustbequantum at March 20, 2016 11:47 AM (MIKMs)

52 Priest, Minister, and Rabbi walk into a whorehouse. Madam says "Gents, no religion in here, but for $100 you can have these girls do anything you want, as long as you can say it in three words or less."

The priest finds a nice, red-haired girl and says to her: "Missionary position, please." Off they go, where the Father can bless the child.

Minister finds a nice, stout, blonde-haired girl, and says to her: "Around the world!" Off they go, on their adventure.

Rabbi finds a raven-haired beauty, sizes her up, turns to the madame and says: "Anything I want? $100? Three words or less?"

"Yes, anything you want!" Replies the madame.

"Alright," says the Rabbi, turns to the dark eyed harlot and says: "Paint. My. House."

Posted by: BurtTC at March 20, 2016 11:48 AM (Dj0WE)

53 My kids crap up every time they say these ones:

Knock knock
Who's there
Boo
Boo-woo?
Don't cry it's just a joke

Knock knock
Who's there
Canoe
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?

Posted by: Monsieur Moo Moo at March 20, 2016 11:48 AM (0LHZx)

54 A young hillbilly couple get married and go off over the hill to a new cabin to start their life together.
The next day the groom's Pa is sittin' out on his front porch whittlin' when, to his surprise, his boy shows up, sits down next to his Pa and starts whittlin' too.
Well Pa ain't one to pry, but the boy says nothing and finally Pa's curiosity gets the better of him. "How come yer not with yer bride, son?" he asks.
The boy's quiet for a spell, just whittlin', but finally he says, "I done left her, Pa."
Pa cogitates on that and whittles some. When the boy offers no further explanation, Pa asks him, "Why'd you leave her, son?"
The boy stops whittlin', heaves a sigh and says,"Pa.....she's a virgin."
Well Pa thinks about that for a time and then says, "Son, you done the right thing. If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ourn."

Posted by: hairless mule at March 20, 2016 11:50 AM (EqmTZ)

55 There was a video of an on-the-street comedy of women shouting pick-up lines to men as they went by to see the reactions.

One of the lines was "I want you to be the father of my children!"

One of the response was, "How old are they?"

Posted by: Kindltot at March 20, 2016 11:50 AM (XQHkt)

56 Thanks, Duke at 28. Finally one to go with:

Duck walk into a pharmacy and asks for a Chapstick. The pharmacist asks how he intends to pay for it. The duck says, "Put it on my bill."

Posted by: DM at March 20, 2016 11:52 AM (j/tOh)

57 Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties. The first man had married a woman from Iowa, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning thatneeded done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from West Virginia . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, either. But by the third day some of the swelling had gone down, so he could see a little out of his left eye.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at March 20, 2016 11:52 AM (u82oZ)

58 I have the body of a god. Unfortunately, the god is Buddha.

Posted by: rfitz3 at March 20, 2016 11:54 AM (jFA/s)

59 A husband went golfing with his buddies. He didn't get home until past dark. His wife was waiting at the door with arms folded. "You'd better have a good excuse for being gone so long."

He said, "Honey let me tell you. It was a horrible day. It started out well enough but on the second tee old Charlie keeled over and died of a heart attack."

"Oh Sweetheart, I'm so sorry for being angry, what a horrible day that must have been for the rest of you. It's no wonder you're so late."

"You have no idea. All day long it was 'Tee off. Drag Charlie. Tee off. Drag Charlie.'"

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at March 20, 2016 11:55 AM (NeFrd)

60 Why do people from Alabama do it doggy style?

So both of them can watch wrestling.

Posted by: weirdflunkyonatablet at March 20, 2016 11:56 AM (hWLhH)

61 Thanks for the laughs, I really need it.

NyCly Dog, that was funny!

Posted by: Infidel at March 20, 2016 11:56 AM (0Tr/s)

62 What's short, furry and walks funny and is annoyingly cute?

Ewok. Or Robert Reich.

Posted by: Sphynx at March 20, 2016 11:56 AM (OZmbA)

63 'nova thumping Iowa at the half 54-29....ouch.

Posted by: BignJames at March 20, 2016 11:57 AM (HtUkt)

64 An egg and a sausage were frying in a pan.

The sausage says, "Is it hot in here, or is it me?"

The egg says, "Holy shit! A talking sausage!"

Posted by: Taro Tsujimoto at March 20, 2016 11:57 AM (/pB9Z)

65 A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.

One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished,
they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then
the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the
lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked (thinking he's pretty weird).

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the
afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you!"

Posted by: NaCly Dog at March 20, 2016 11:58 AM (u82oZ)

66 "Why does Hillary want to be president?

She wants to finally find out what it's like to sleep in the president's bed."

A joke thread?

If I knew any jokes.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at March 20, 2016 11:58 AM (avjPX)

67 2
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it has to want to change

How many Programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.

Posted by: I'm the Honey Badger, BITCH! at March 20, 2016 11:58 AM (gJ/DE)

68 NaCly Dog: ...inventor of the USB stick...

This is probably the joke I think of most often.

Referred to it again just yesterday as Milady was attempting to plug in her cell charger cord.

Some jokes are like the humorists' convention, you just refer to it by number.

"It's all in the delivery."

Posted by: mindful webworker - 20 Years on the Web at March 20, 2016 11:58 AM (ek7rN)

69 13 year old kid is walking through the house when he hears moaning in his parents' bedroom. He walks in and sees his dad with his mom naked bent over the foot of the bed. The dad looks back at him, laughs and says "Go on, get the hell outta here."

Next day, the dad is walking through the house and hears moaning coming from the kid's room. Dad walks in and sees the kid with his grandmother naked bent over the bed.

The dad says "What the hell are you doing!!!??"

Kid answers "Ah so I guess it's not so funny when it's your mother."

Posted by: Mega at March 20, 2016 11:58 AM (JwLCI)

70 3 guys working construction on a skyscraper, 80 stories up.
1 is black, 1 Mexican and 1 Polish.
They break for lunch and the black guy opens his lunchbox and it's a chicken sandwich. He says "I am so sick of chicken sandwiches that if I get one tomorrow, I'll kill myself.

The Mexican opens his lunchbox and it's a burrito, he says the same thing as his fellow work mate. If he gets another burrito, he will kill himself.
The polish guy opens his box and it's baloney and cheese and yes, he says the same thing as the other two.

Next day at lunch. Black guy opens his box, chicken sandwich. He leaps off the building and kills himself. The Mexican opens his box, burrito, he jumps and kills himself, the Polish guy opens his box, follows suit and kills himself.

Couple days later at the funerals the wife of the black guy is crying and saying if only he would have said something, she would have made something different. The Mexican guys wife said if only he asked me to make him something other than a burrito, I would have.
The Polish guys wife says...........He packed his own lunch.

Posted by: Drider at March 20, 2016 11:58 AM (6Xbsz)

71

Joke Number Fourteen!

Hahahaha!

Posted by: BackwardsBoy at March 20, 2016 11:59 AM (LUgeY)

72 Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Gruesome.
Gruesome who?
Gruesome since I saw you last.

Bada Bing.
Ok I will go back to lurking now.

Posted by: Picric at March 20, 2016 11:59 AM (ty0sP)

73 2016 GOP

Posted by: Bubba at March 20, 2016 12:00 PM (LHVhu)

74 I am sorry that was a bad joke

Posted by: Bubba at March 20, 2016 12:00 PM (LHVhu)

75 73 Bubba

You win the bad joke contest.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at March 20, 2016 12:02 PM (u82oZ)

76
Joke Number Fourteen!
Hahahaha!

Side Hackers!

Posted by: Bertram Cabot Jr. at March 20, 2016 12:02 PM (FkBIv)

77 Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity!

Posted by: Bill to Hillary!!11!! at March 20, 2016 12:02 PM (Dwehj)

78

How do you get a bass player off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy at March 20, 2016 12:03 PM (LUgeY)

79 Leroy came home in a tuxedo and was strutting around the house like he was the King of England.

His wife Dorothy came home and asked him why he was all dolled up and putting on airs.

Leroy said that since he couldn't get it up lately he went to the doc and the doc told him everything looked good but that he was impotent.

Posted by: Hairyback Guy at March 20, 2016 12:03 PM (ej1L0)

80 A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

Posted by: @votermom at March 20, 2016 12:03 PM (cbfNE)

81 Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at March 20, 2016 11:55 AM (NeFrd)

Reminds me of a similar one:

Three men at the course, needed a fourth, and it just so happened a fella was there, and his regular golfing buddies were otherwise occupied.

Foursome goes off, and at the third tee, they hear the peel of bells at the nearby Church, where a funeral procession has arrived. The fourth gent, stops, takes off his visor, puts it to his heart, waits for the coffin to be carried in the Church before he tees off.

Later on the ninth, again the bells peel, and out comes the procession, with the coffin carried to the waiting hearse. The man does the same, doffing his visor, waiting to tee off until after the hearse pulls away.

One of the other gents in the foursome, impressed, says "that's a nice gesture, to stop this silly game of ours for a moment to honor someone's passing.'

The fourth man speaks: "Well it was the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years."

Posted by: BurtTC at March 20, 2016 12:04 PM (Dj0WE)

82 A man went golfing. On the third hole, a par 4 dogleg to the right he sliced his tee shot into the woods. He finds his ball, then sets up to chip back onto the fairway. His buddy eyes the situation, and says, "Wait a second. Look at that tree up there. If you hit a five-iron with enough loft you can take the ball right through the fork in the tree and put it on the green."

Thinking why not, the man pulls his five-iron, aims at the fork in the tree and lets fly. The ball almost clears the gap, but catches the branch on the right, rattles back and forth a couple of times and then caroms straight back at them, catching his buddy smack between the eyes, killing him on the spot.

A year later, on the same hole the man hits the exact same tee shot. He lines up to chip the ball out onto the fairway. His new golfing buddy says, Wait a second. Look at that tree up there. If you hit a five-iron with enough loft you can take the ball right through the fork in the tree and put it on the green."

"No way, man. I tried that last year and shot a triple bogey!"

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at March 20, 2016 12:04 PM (NeFrd)

83 Skeleton walks into a bar. Says, "Bartender give me a beer--and a mop."

Posted by: Cloyd Freud, Unemployed at March 20, 2016 12:04 PM (Dttnn)

84 What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?

Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Posted by: Sphynx at March 20, 2016 12:05 PM (OZmbA)

85 A little girl goes away to summer camp, and when she returns, her father says, "Your cat died."

The little girl was distraught. "Why did you just blurt it out like that? You should have said something like, 'I'm so sorry, honey. Mittens ran up a tree, and the firemen came and got her out, but then the ladder shook and Mittens fell, but it was so high up that she didn't feel any pain.'"

The next year the little girl goes to camp again, and when she returns, her father says, "I'm so sorry, honey. Grandma ran up a tree..."

Posted by: Taro Tsujimoto at March 20, 2016 12:05 PM (/pB9Z)

86 I don't want to disparage my wife's cooking, but the dog hasn't begged in years.

Posted by: rfitz3 at March 20, 2016 12:06 PM (jFA/s)

87 A guy comes up on a naked trucker chained chest down on a big tree stump by the side of the highway with his ass stuck up in the air. The trucker looks over and starts begging the guy to help him saying 'You gotta help me! I was headed home to my family after dropping off my last delivery and I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker. Thought I was going to help a feller out but he pulled a gun on me and forced me to pull over. Then he chained me down to this tree stump with no clothes on and rode off with my rig!' The passerby strokes his chin and starts to take off his pants. Trucker says 'Whoa there friend! What the Hell are you doing?' The guy starts chuckling and says 'Buddy, this just ain't your day.'

Posted by: AntiSoviet at March 20, 2016 12:06 PM (NaXda)

88 Why is St. Patrick's Day more popular than Cinco de Mayo?

Nobody pretends to be Mexican.

Posted by: furious at March 20, 2016 12:07 PM (8lw4l)

89

My singing is so bad, the deaf refuse to read my lips.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy at March 20, 2016 12:07 PM (LUgeY)

90 What does the receptionist say when you leave the sperm bank?

Thanks for coming!

Posted by: Sphynx at March 20, 2016 12:08 PM (OZmbA)

91 A ninety year old man comes into the confessional and tells the priest, "Father, yesterday I was driving my car when I picked up 3 beautiful college girls who were hitch-hiking. Before I dropped them off, I'd had sex with each of those girls three times."
The priest says,"Are you sorry for your sins?"
The old man says, "What sins?"
The priest asks him,"What kind of Catholic are you?"
The old man says," I'm Jewish."
The priest asks, "Why are you telling me this?"
The old man says, " I'm telling everybody."

Posted by: hairless mule at March 20, 2016 12:08 PM (EqmTZ)

92 What do you call it when Bruce Lee gets drunk at lunchtime and throws up?

NOON CHUNKS!!!

Posted by: Mr. Naron at March 20, 2016 12:09 PM (ebBLH)

93 The Past, Present and Future walk into a bar

It was tense.

Posted by: furious at March 20, 2016 12:10 PM (8lw4l)

94 This is the best and most interesting English lesson I have had in a long time.

Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?

Did you know that the word "racecar" spelled backwards is still "racecar?"

And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, spells its past tense, "ate."

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, non-English speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-humping, raggedy-ass bastards with you!"

How weird is that?

Posted by: lindafell de spair at March 20, 2016 12:10 PM (xVgrA)

95 I'm so fat, I once stuck a Q-Tip in my ear and pulled out a Sugar Daddy.

Posted by: Michael Moore at March 20, 2016 12:11 PM (l2Bn8)

96 Doctor asks Blondie, "Are you sexually active?"
"Well, mostly I just lie there"

Posted by: rfitz3 at March 20, 2016 12:12 PM (jFA/s)

97 Him: Do you like Kipling?

Her: I don't know, you naughty boy, I've never kippled.

Posted by: Dr. F at March 20, 2016 12:13 PM (iLoHX)

98 One of the funniest prank calls on a telemarketer that you will ever hear. Worth 3-4 minutes to listen.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/the-best-prank-call-ever/80581760/

Posted by: Drider at March 20, 2016 12:13 PM (6Xbsz)

99 "Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants,"

That's far-out.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at March 20, 2016 12:14 PM (avjPX)

100 Ted Kennedy and Chris Dodd walk into a bar...

Posted by: Bill to Hillary!!11!! at March 20, 2016 12:15 PM (Dwehj)

101 Two birds sitting on a perch.

One turns to the other and says, "Does something smell fishy to you?"

Posted by: scorecard at March 20, 2016 12:15 PM (CRXed)

102 A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi walk into a bar.

Bartender looks at them and says "What is this, a joke"?

Posted by: HH at March 20, 2016 12:15 PM (DrCtv)

103 How weird is that?
Posted by: lindafell de spair at March 20, 2016 12:10 PM (xVgrA)

Pretty weird. Engrish is a fascinating language.

Posted by: BurtTC at March 20, 2016 12:16 PM (Dj0WE)

104 What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters?

Orange Is The New Black.

Posted by: Sphynx at March 20, 2016 12:16 PM (OZmbA)

105 Trump.

Posted by: the littl shyning man at March 20, 2016 12:16 PM (U6f54)

106 Why are there no,Muslim characters on 'Star Trek'?

Because it's set in the future.

Posted by: furious at March 20, 2016 12:16 PM (8lw4l)

107 Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room. First says that since she was on the bottom when she conceived she would have a boy. Second says that since she was on top she would have a girl. The third suddenly burst into tears wailing that she was having puppies.

Posted by: Duke Lowell at March 20, 2016 12:17 PM (kTF2Z)

108 "Engrish is a fascinating language."

And so is English.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at March 20, 2016 12:18 PM (avjPX)

109 Ted says "Er...ah..waitress, we'll have a sammich!".

Posted by: Bill to Hillary!!11!! at March 20, 2016 12:19 PM (Dwehj)

110 Donald Trump Campaign Slogan:

"We Shall OverComb"

Posted by: Sphynx at March 20, 2016 12:19 PM (OZmbA)

111 What is the difference between the Apollo Astronauts and Michael Jackson?

The Apollo Astronauts did a walk on the moon, whereas Michael Jackson had sex with little boys.

Posted by: Cave Johnson at March 20, 2016 12:20 PM (zUs0s)

112 Grade school playground memories.

"I said ping pong balls...!

(Just the punch line)

Posted by: mindful webworker - 20 Years on the Web at March 20, 2016 12:20 PM (ek7rN)

113 Posted by: mindful webworker - 20 Years on the Web at March 20, 2016 12:20 PM (ek7rN)

Yep! Still remember that one.

Posted by: HH at March 20, 2016 12:21 PM (DrCtv)

114 A farmer has a cow ready for mating, so he tells his 15 year-old son to take it over to the neighbor's farm where there's a bull at stud. The boy leads the cow over, rings the doorbell, and the neighbor's 15 year-old daughter answers. He states his business, and the girl leads them both out to a corral in back where the bull is, puts the cow in the corral, and then both kids climb on the fence to watch the proceedings. The bull mounts the cow, barnyard sounds fill the air, and the boy starts getting randy. Looking at his feet and shifting back and forth, he mumbes, "I sure wish I was 'a doing that!" The neighbor's daughter leans up against him, places her lips against his ear, and whispers, "Well, if you really want to, go ahead. It's your cow."

Posted by: Ned Reid at March 20, 2016 12:22 PM (Y4xze)

115

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy at March 20, 2016 12:23 PM (LUgeY)

116 What's the definition of endless love?

Stevie Wonder and Helen Keller playing tennis.

Posted by: Jim in Virginia at March 20, 2016 12:23 PM (cK6/K)

117 Why do people drive around with violas on their dashboards?

(wait for it)

So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Posted by: Piercello at March 20, 2016 12:24 PM (RXfvh)

118 ""Well, if you really want to, go ahead. It's your cow."

That's pretty funny.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at March 20, 2016 12:24 PM (avjPX)

119
Earnest Hemingway did a stint of doing standup comedy.

"Take my life...please!"

Posted by: Badabing at March 20, 2016 12:25 PM (6CCkt)

120 how many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a lightbulb.....none, let the bitch cook in the dark

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at March 20, 2016 12:25 PM (VDc7u)

121 Posted by: Cave Johnson at March 20, 2016 12:20 PM (zUs0s)

Never get tired of the Classics

Posted by: Mega at March 20, 2016 12:25 PM (JwLCI)

122 That prank call was funny.

http://preview.tinyurl.com/zmkjrw3

weather alert.

Posted by: Infidel at March 20, 2016 12:26 PM (0Tr/s)

123 Donald Trump walks into a bar with a frog on his head.

Bartender says "where'd you get that?"

The FROG says "well it started as a pimple on my ass..."

Posted by: FreedomFan at March 20, 2016 12:27 PM (G/RDV)

124 A famously inspiring but very strict parson had a rule for families wishing to join his church, and he outlined them for three new couples trying to join. One couple was in their seventies, one in their fifties, and one pair of newlyweds.

"To show your devotion to God," the parson said, "I want you all to abstain from sex for forty days and forty nights, if you wish to join my congregation."

The time passed and the couples returned and reported. The seventy-year olds said that they got through it fairly easily. The couple in their fifties said it was tough, but with a lot of talk about their goals and plenty of prayer, they made it. The newlywed husband looked at the floor, ashamed, when it was his turn.

"Well, sir, we did just fine for two weeks, but then if you recall we had a spell of real hot weather, and my wife was wearing this short skirt. She bent down to reach for a can of soup, and I couldn't help myself, I had to have her right then and there."

"I'm sorry, friend," the parson said. "Your failure of will means you can't come to this church."

"I understand, parson," the young man said. "We're not allowed to go into the Safeway any more, either."

Posted by: E.E. Knight at March 20, 2016 12:27 PM (7b4Mw)

125 My daughter's first joke.

Dad, what do you call scow that has quit giving?

I don't know says I.

Utter failure.

Posted by: Diogenes at March 20, 2016 12:28 PM (08Znv)

126 How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They rearranged the furniture.

Posted by: eman at March 20, 2016 12:28 PM (MQEz6)

127 Q: What's the difference between Trump, Hillary, and Stalin?

A: Stalin was a person from the Soviet Union who admired New York.

Posted by: Inspector Cussword at March 20, 2016 12:28 PM (/APNW)

128 @117 Outstanding. I had a friend, years ago (born 1899, lived to be 95, so...) who was a violist, toured Yerp in the 40's. She knew them all. Learned them the hard way.

I just used your line at "The Club." Chamber concert, someone had pulled up haphazardly right over the purple-zone. At intermission, someone noticed, I said Probably A Violist, and we were off to the races.

Never not funny. Hey, you ever stab anybody with that pin?

Posted by: Stringer Davis at March 20, 2016 12:28 PM (xq1UY)

129 Mickey Mouse was discussing his divorce with Minnie mouse with his lawyer The lawyer ask, "you want to divorce her because she's crazy?" Mickey says, I didn't' say she was crazy, I said...she was fucking Goofy.

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at March 20, 2016 12:29 PM (VDc7u)

130 Somebody Out There Has Never Heard It Before Dept.

Grade school playground memories, now made anachronistic by political changes, history not taught, and Common Core math...

You know why fire engines are red? Because...

One and one are two.
Two and two are four.
Three times four is twelve.
There's twelve inches in a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth was a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth was also a ship.
Ships sail the seas.
Seas have fishes.
Fishes have fins.
Finns fought the Russians.
Russians are red.
And that's why fire engines are red,
because they're rushin' all over.

(Read aloud works better than read written out.)

Posted by: mindful webworker - 20 Years on the Web at March 20, 2016 12:29 PM (ek7rN)

131

A guy goes into his doctor's office with mashed potatoes on his head, a celery stalk in one ear, a carrot stick in the other, carrying a handful of lettuce.

His doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?''

The guy says, "Doc, I just don't have any energy any more. I'm always run down."

The doctor says, "It looks like you're not eating right."

Posted by: BackwardsBoy at March 20, 2016 12:29 PM (LUgeY)

132 Hey,
you want to hear a dirty joke?

Two white horse were rolling in the mud......

Posted by: lindafell de spair at March 20, 2016 12:31 PM (xVgrA)

133 Frank Stallone is sitting in a bar, at one end, and a woman walks up and says "if you were your brother, I would f**k you."

A bit later, Ozzie Canseco walks up, sits at the other end of the bar. Same woman walks up and says "If you were your brother, I would f**k you."

Still later, Jon Voight, walks in, steps up to the bar, when the woman approaches and starts to say "If you were your son I would..." and Jon Voight cuts her off right there.

"I know, Angelina, I know. Don't you think you've had enough to drink? Go home already."

Posted by: BurtTC at March 20, 2016 12:31 PM (Dj0WE)

134 What do you call a nun tumbling down a flight of stairs?

black-white-black-white-black-white...

Posted by: eman at March 20, 2016 12:33 PM (MQEz6)

135 Have you ever heard the one about the shovel ready jobs?

Posted by: Shecky Soetoro at March 20, 2016 12:34 PM (12kBq)

136 A duck walks into a drug store and asks for a condom. The pharmacist says "will you pay cash or should I put it on your bill?"
The duck replies, "What sort of pervert do yo think I am?"

Posted by: Jim in Virginia at March 20, 2016 12:34 PM (cK6/K)

137 What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at March 20, 2016 12:34 PM (u82oZ)

138 "Have you ever heard the one about the shovel ready jobs?"

No. What is it?

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at March 20, 2016 12:35 PM (avjPX)

139 What's black & white and can't turn around in an elevator?

A nun with a javelin through her head.

Posted by: Duke Lowell at March 20, 2016 12:35 PM (kTF2Z)

140 Three guys on the first tee when the pro comes out and tells them they have a fourth coming. Out comes this smoking hot blonde who tees it up and rips it 235 yards down the middle! Turns out this gal can really play. They get to the 18th whole where she is twenty feet away with a side hill breaking put. She turns to them and says "guys, if I make this putt I'll shoot 68 which would be a career best for me. If anyone reads this out correctly and I make it, I'll suck your dick" First guy says" aim 18 inches outside the hole and hit it easy and let it die in the hole". Second guys says "No! Aim six inches outside and hit it firm". Third guy looks at it for s few seconds and says "that's good".

Posted by: DaninMichigan at March 20, 2016 12:36 PM (2yD4G)

141 A Klingon, a Romulan, and an Andorian walk into a bar.

Kirk kills them.

Posted by: eman at March 20, 2016 12:36 PM (MQEz6)

142

How can you tell if there's a drummer at your front door?

The knocking keeps getting faster.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy at March 20, 2016 12:36 PM (LUgeY)

143 I don't get the viola jokes. Is it a musician thing?

Posted by: @votermom at March 20, 2016 12:36 PM (cbfNE)

144 Putt!! Shit!

Posted by: DaninMichigan at March 20, 2016 12:37 PM (2yD4G)

145 What's black and white and can't turn around in an elevator?

A nun with a spear through her neck.

Posted by: hairless mule at March 20, 2016 12:37 PM (EqmTZ)

146 Jokes are starting to go a little off-color.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at March 20, 2016 12:37 PM (avjPX)

147 What's black and white and red all over?

Mooch's husband.

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks at March 20, 2016 12:38 PM (Nwg0u)

148 Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

Says one: "I think I just lost an electron!"

Asks the other: "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!!"

************

Also:

"Did you hear the one about a baby seal who walks into a club?"

Posted by: Zombie Niels Bohr at March 20, 2016 12:38 PM (bIhmV)

149 Why don't Aggies hunt elephants?

The decoys are too big.....

Posted by: Teresa in Fort Worth, TX at March 20, 2016 12:38 PM (Saqzi)

150 139 Duke beat me to it.

Posted by: hairless mule at March 20, 2016 12:39 PM (EqmTZ)

151 A Texas Aggie was out on a date with his girlfriend. She whispered in his ear : "I want you to kiss me where it's smelly and nasty."
So he drove her to Port Arthur.

Posted by: Jim in Virginia at March 20, 2016 12:39 PM (cK6/K)

152 >>Never not funny. Hey, you ever stab anybody with that pin?

Not yet, but I have been known to suggest having one spring-loaded...

My other favorite viola joke:

A major symphony orchestra rehearsal devolves into chaos, and the personnel manager rushes in to see why. He finds the principal violist and the principal oboist engaged in a screaming match at center stage.

He separates the two, and demands to know what is going on. "You first," he says to the oboist.

"This ... violist," hisses the oboist, "just broke every single one of my reeds!"

Aghast, the personnel manager turns to the violist and demands an explanation. The principal violist says

(wait for it)

"This oboe player here turned one of my tuning pegs, and he won't tell me which one!"

Posted by: Piercello at March 20, 2016 12:39 PM (RXfvh)

153 "So he drove her to Port Arthur."

Rimshot.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at March 20, 2016 12:41 PM (avjPX)

154 My doc asks me how are things.

I say not so good my wife has VD.

My doc jumps up and injects himself with penicillin.

Posted by: eman at March 20, 2016 12:42 PM (MQEz6)

155 My daughters second joke.
Dad, what's green and flies over Germany?
I don't know, says I.
Snotzies!

Posted by: Diogenes at March 20, 2016 12:43 PM (08Znv)

156

A fellow is fishing without much luck. A few yards away is a kid who's pulling in one fish after another. This goes on for a while before curiosity overcomes the fellow. He walks over to the kid and asks him, "I noticed you're doing pretty well over here. What's your secret?"

The kid looks up at him and goes, "MMMmm, mm fmwrfm."

The fellow asks the kid to repeat himself, which he does, still unintelligibly.

The fellow, more than a bit exasperated, asks the kid again. The kids spits out a mouthful of bait, looks at the man and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"

Posted by: BackwardsBoy at March 20, 2016 12:43 PM (LUgeY)

157 What's black and white and red all over, with orange stripes?

A nun being attacked by a tiger.

Posted by: BurtTC at March 20, 2016 12:44 PM (Dj0WE)

158 "My doc jumps up and injects himself with penicillin."

Sorry to hear, eman. Hope you and the wife patch things up.

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at March 20, 2016 12:44 PM (avjPX)

159 Maybe I'm just a flyover rube, but some of these jokes are getting a tad too...intricate...for me.

Posted by: rickl at March 20, 2016 12:45 PM (sdi6R)

160 ignorance is bliss, and i'm surrounded by happy people.

Posted by: redc1c4 at March 20, 2016 12:46 PM (5wiY1)

161 Remember Polish jokes?

Did you hear about the guy who put cordovan on his white bucks?

Posted by: Laff Riot at March 20, 2016 12:46 PM (bIhmV)

162 What's black and white and red all over, in a Walgreens?

The novice whose job it is to buy the monthly tampon supply for the convent.

Posted by: BurtTC at March 20, 2016 12:47 PM (Dj0WE)

163 "Maybe I'm just a flyover rube, but some of these jokes are getting a tad too...intricate...for me."

"intricate?

Wat dat mean?

Posted by: Ricardo Kill at March 20, 2016 12:48 PM (avjPX)

164 How can you tell a blonde has been using the computer?

There is white-out on the screen.

Posted by: The Man from Athens at March 20, 2016 12:48 PM (lQqij)

165 A nun is walking down the street and stubs her toe.
"Oh Hell," she says.
Then she gasps,"oh crap I said Hell!"
"Oh damnit, I said crap!"
"Oh sh*t I said damnit!"
"Aww fcuk it, I wanted to be a stewardess anyway."

Posted by: Diogenes at March 20, 2016 12:48 PM (08Znv)

166 Maybe I'm just a flyover rube, but some of these jokes are getting a tad too...intricate...for me.
Posted by: rickl at March 20, 2016 12:45 PM (sdi6R)

I'm completely lost on the viola/musician stuff.

Posted by: BurtTC at March 20, 2016 12:48 PM (Dj0WE)

167 Definition of Progress:-

The process through which the Internet has evolved from smart people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at March 20, 2016 12:49 PM (u82oZ)

168 One of my favorite lines:

It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

Posted by: The Man from Athens at March 20, 2016 12:49 PM (lQqij)

169 NOOD, SCOTUS

Posted by: Y-not (@moxiemom) at March 20, 2016 12:49 PM (t5zYU)

170 What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

2014 hide & seek champion.

Posted by: Duke Lowell at March 20, 2016 12:50 PM (kTF2Z)

171

How can you tell if a blonde's been eating M&M's?

The shells are everywhere.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy at March 20, 2016 12:50 PM (LUgeY)

172 Two Corinthians walk into a bar . . .

- Hey hey, it's Donald J!

Posted by: Anonosaurus Wrecks at March 20, 2016 12:50 PM (Nwg0u)

173 NOOD, SCOTUS
Posted by: Y-not (@moxiemom) at March 20, 2016 12:49 PM (t5zYU)

Boo! Otherwise known as the "no fun for you" thread.

Posted by: BurtTC at March 20, 2016 12:51 PM (Dj0WE)

174 It's a dog-eat-dog world, and brother, I've eaten a lot of dogs.

Posted by: Stringer Davis at March 20, 2016 12:52 PM (xq1UY)

175 President Barrack Hussein Obama

Posted by: The Man from Athens at March 20, 2016 12:52 PM (lQqij)

176 Posted by: BurtTC at March 20, 2016 12:51 PM (Dj0WE)

Exactly. Totally gonna skip that one.

Posted by: HH at March 20, 2016 12:52 PM (DrCtv)

177 What do you have when you have nuts on the wall?

A: Walnuts

What do you have when you have nuts on your chest?

A: Chestnuts

What do you have when you have nuts on your chin?

A: a dick in your mouth

Posted by: Anderson Cooper at March 20, 2016 12:53 PM (12kBq)

178 Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

Posted by: Mike Hammer, etc., etc. at March 20, 2016 12:53 PM (yddCj)

179 IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THE VIOLA IS TUNED IN C.

Posted by: Stringer Davis at March 20, 2016 12:54 PM (xq1UY)

180 I am just like Casper, the Friendly Ghost. Yah, I really am. Check this out:

1) He's white, I'm white
2) He's round, I'm fat
3)He's invisible, I get ignored

Posted by: Bill H at March 20, 2016 12:54 PM (pAH7H)

181 A Congressman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Hey. That's pretty neat. Where'd you get that thing."

"Washington, D.C.," says the parrot. "There's hundreds of 'em."

Posted by: The Phillips at March 20, 2016 12:54 PM (Dwglb)

182 A lobster walks into a bar, and the bartender says "HEY! We don't serve food here!"

Posted by: Ask Mr. Lizard at March 20, 2016 12:54 PM (7UM6E)

183 Why was Six scared?
Because Seven Eight Nine.

Posted by: The Man from Athens at March 20, 2016 12:54 PM (lQqij)

184 How do you sink a Polish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

Posted by: rfitz3 at March 20, 2016 12:54 PM (jFA/s)

185 what do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

drummer.

Posted by: redc1c4 at March 20, 2016 12:55 PM (5wiY1)

186 What has four legs and chases cats?

Mrs. Katz and her lawyer

Posted by: Shecky Soetoro at March 20, 2016 12:56 PM (12kBq)

187 how can a band tell if the stage is level?

the drummer is drooling out of both sides of their mouth...

Posted by: redc1c4 at March 20, 2016 12:56 PM (5wiY1)

188 Please for give the punctuation error. "Where'd you get that thing," should have a questions mark?

Posted by: The Phillips at March 20, 2016 12:57 PM (Dwglb)

189 Two guys walk into a bar, third guy ducks.

Posted by: Blanco Basura at March 20, 2016 12:57 PM (YJmuy)

190
Bartender says "Hey, we don't allow sub-atomic particles that go faster than the speed of light in here!

A tachyon walks into a bar.

Posted by: Minuteman at March 20, 2016 12:57 PM (qb4kf)

191 Why capital letters are so important:

I helped my uncle jack off a horse.

vs.

I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse.

Posted by: The Man from Athens at March 20, 2016 12:58 PM (lQqij)

192 This thread was cute, witty, not funny.

Posted by: Donnybrook at March 20, 2016 12:59 PM (njrCf)

193 Two duck hunters are out in a boat, not having much luck.

Finally one says to the other, "Gee, maybe we need to throw the dog higher."

Posted by: rfitz3 at March 20, 2016 12:59 PM (jFA/s)

194 A newly wed couple show up to stay for week at a little resort on a lake. The owner checks them into the best cabin, but an hour later he runs into the husband out on the dock fishing away. He says to the guy, "I'm surprised to see you here. Usually when we have a honey moon couple we don't see them for three days."
The guy says, "Wife has gonorrhea. Can't have sex."
The owner is a little shocked and embarrassed. He apologizes and hurries away.
But a few hours later he sees the guy still out on the dock, fishing away and he feels sorry for him. So goes down and says,"Look it's really none of my business, but have you thought about anal sex?"
The guy says," Wife has diarrhea. Can't have anal sex."
The owner, really embarrassed now, says, "Sorry" and goes to find something to do.
Next morning, the owner comes out of his cabin at the crack of dawn and there on the dock is the poor newly wed guy already fishing away.
He thinks what the hell and walks down there. He says to the guy, "I know I shouldn't pry, but what about oral sex?"
The guy says, "Nope. Wife's got pyorrhea. Can't have oral sex."
The owner says, " Jesus Christ! Your wife's got gonorrhea, she's got diarrhea, she's got pyorrhea, Why did you marry this woman?"
The guy says, Well, she's also got worms and...I like to fish."

Posted by: hairless mule at March 20, 2016 12:59 PM (EqmTZ)

195 @190.

Excellent!

Posted by: Diogenes at March 20, 2016 01:00 PM (08Znv)

196 Old musicians never die, they just go from bar to bar.

Sort of like Morons.

Posted by: Piercello at March 20, 2016 01:00 PM (RXfvh)

197
Lena and Olie got married in da Lut'ren Church in New Ulm. On their honeymoon trip to Minneapolis, they were riding along listening to da Polka station ven Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Lena giggled and said "Ole, you can go farder den dat if you vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.

Posted by: grammie winger, watching the fig tree at March 20, 2016 01:02 PM (dFi94)

198 Old musician joke:

"I dreamed I was playing violin in a Brahms symphony.

Then I woke up ---and I was!"

Posted by: Baddabish at March 20, 2016 01:02 PM (bIhmV)

199 Why do you always take 2 Mormons fishing.....because if you only take 1, he'll drink all your beer

Posted by: MrKnowItAll at March 20, 2016 01:02 PM (VDc7u)

200 A three legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Posted by: Minuteman at March 20, 2016 01:02 PM (qb4kf)

201
A man walks into a bar.

He should have been paying attention.

Posted by: Minuteman at March 20, 2016 01:03 PM (qb4kf)

202 How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof ?

Depends on how thin you slice them.

Posted by: Chipster at March 20, 2016 01:04 PM (tHTNf)

203 Did you hear the one about the young girl who went fishing with nine guys?

She came home with a red snapper.

Posted by: Baddabing at March 20, 2016 01:06 PM (bIhmV)

204 A walrus is driving through Arizona when he started having car trouble. He pulls over at a small town garage and leaves the car for a look. The mechanic says, "Gonna be a bit, why don't you take a walk around town and I'll get right on it." Walrus walks a bit and runs across an ice cream shop - it's hot and he is a walrus, so he goes in for an ice cream to cool off. A few minutes later he heads back to the shop while eating a cone of vanilla ice cream - it's a bit messy and he forgot to get a napkin and as he approaches the garage, the mechanic sees him and yells, "Looks like you blew a seal!" To which the walrus replies, "No it's just ice cream."

Posted by: utahprez at March 20, 2016 01:06 PM (RBlQA)

205 Bill Clinton, HIllary Clinton, and Barak Obama are all killed by a meteor falling on the DNC convention, and find them selves facing the Almighty sitting upon his throne.

God asks Bill, "Who are you and what have you done?"

Bill says, "I'm Bill Clinton, and I was President of the United States."

God says, "Very well, you may sit at my right hand."

God then asks Obama the same question and Obama answers, "I'm Barak Obama, and I too was President of the United States."

God says to him, "Very well, you may sit at my left hand."

God then asks the same question of Hillary and she replies, "I'm Hillary Clinton, and you're sitting in my seat."

Posted by: Blanco Basura at March 20, 2016 01:08 PM (YJmuy)

206 Why we have religious arguments:

Jews don't recognize the divinity of Christ,

Protestants don't recognize the authority of the Pope,

And Muslims don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

Posted by: Chipster at March 20, 2016 01:11 PM (tHTNf)

207 A philandering string theorist comes home to his angry wife.

"I've caught you, you two-timing cheat!" she shouts.

"Wait, honey," he replies, "I can explain everything...!"

Posted by: MarkW at March 20, 2016 01:11 PM (kQfoP)

208 what do you call it when a player farts during a basketball game?

a fragrant foul.

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at March 20, 2016 01:12 PM (WTSFk)

209 140
She turns to them and says "guys, if I make this putt I'll shoot 68 which would be a career best for me. If anyone reads this out correctly and I make it, I'll suck your dick" First guy says" aim 18 inches outside the hole and hit it easy and let it die in the hole". Second guys says "No! Aim six inches outside and hit it firm". Third guy looks at it for s few seconds and says "that's good".
Posted by: DaninMichigan at March 20, 2016 12:36 PM (2yD4G)

I didn't get that one, but then again, I'm not a golfer.

If she misses the putt, she gets 69? That's the best I can come up with.

Posted by: rickl at March 20, 2016 01:14 PM (sdi6R)

210
A string goes into bar.

Bartender says "Didn't you see the sign?, We don't serve strings here, so get out and don't come back!
So the string leaves and ducks into an alley where he unravels his ends and loops himself into a gnarled tangle.He then re-enters the bar.

The bartender looks at him with squinty eyes and says "Aren't you that string I kicked out a moment ago?

In reply thestring says "I'm a frayed knot!"

Posted by: Minuteman at March 20, 2016 01:15 PM (qb4kf)

211 Joke from son1 when he was about 6.

Mom, three blondes walked into a bar

P

A

U

S

E

You think at least one of them would have ducked.

Posted by: redbanzai at March 20, 2016 01:16 PM (NPofj)

212 Sven is showing Olie off his new rifle and scope. Olie says to Sven This is a great scope I can see your wife up in your bedroom with the mailman and they're naked. Sven hands him two cartridges and says shoot him in the pecker and her in the head. Olie replies...

Her you keep this one it wont take two shots.

Posted by: Willy J. at March 20, 2016 01:17 PM (On7rW)

213 Did ya hear about the Polish guy who...

... won a gold medal and had it bronzed?

... locked his keys in the car and had to get a coat hanger to get his family out?

*Thank you, Rodney Dangerfield*

Extra bonus joke:

Did you hear about the Polish guy - his doctor told him he had sugar in his urine, so he went home and took a leak on his cornflakes?

Posted by: BakaBaka at March 20, 2016 01:19 PM (7iblL)

214 Weirddave needs to tell his joke here.

That was a wall of text that took me about an hour to read. That's an hour of my life that I'll never get back, and I don't miss it.

That was the most amazing joke I've ever read. It wasn't even particularly funny, but I couldn't stop reading it.

Posted by: rickl at March 20, 2016 01:20 PM (sdi6R)

215

Did you hear about the guitar player who locked his keys in his car?

It took him two hours to get the drummer out.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy at March 20, 2016 01:20 PM (LUgeY)

216 @215 Needs ba-dump-dump and a rim shot, but where's the drummer? Oh.

Posted by: Stringer Davis at March 20, 2016 01:22 PM (xq1UY)

217 what's it called when a chicken runs on the court?

now there's your flagrant fowl.

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at March 20, 2016 01:22 PM (WTSFk)

218 Our zoo is crap...it only has one dog. It's a shih tzu.

Posted by: Mudshark at March 20, 2016 01:23 PM (hcggm)

219

We're all here all week.

Try the veal.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy at March 20, 2016 01:23 PM (LUgeY)

220 A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Rabbit? Does shit ever stick to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Posted by: MFS at March 20, 2016 01:25 PM (+6VXa)

221 Religion joke dept., punchlines only:

"They think they're the only ones here!"

This is for the whole thread:

http://instantrimshot.com

Posted by: mindful webworker - 20 Years on the Web at March 20, 2016 01:28 PM (ek7rN)

222 My wife is a terrible driver, the other day she hit a deer...... it was in the zoo.

Posted by: BakaBaka at March 20, 2016 01:28 PM (7iblL)

223 I'm in shape.....round is a shape.

Posted by: model_1066 at March 20, 2016 01:30 PM (tXYvZ)

224 What's Obama's favorite golf course?

Whichever one has the best doglegs......

Posted by: Han Yolo at March 20, 2016 01:30 PM (l2Bn8)

225 Woman walks into the barbershop and says "Bob Peters in here?" Oh no mam, just shave and a haircut!

Posted by: AnnaS at March 20, 2016 01:30 PM (P+I7L)

226 "For your birthday I put 50 dollars on a horse that came in at 20 to 1. Unfortunately the other horses came in at 12:35.

My actual birthday card I belatedly got yesterday.

Posted by: Dirks strewn at March 20, 2016 01:31 PM (QdAXQ)

227 220 A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Rabbit? Does shit ever stick to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Posted by: MFS

Shouldn't the rabbit have said "yes"? Discuss.

Posted by: Dirks strewn at March 20, 2016 01:32 PM (QdAXQ)

228 I was so ugly as a kid....

I once stuck my head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.

One year they used me as the poster boy for birth defects.

Posted by: BakaBaka at March 20, 2016 01:32 PM (7iblL)

229
Lena sees Lars with stick trying to get something out of the hole. She asks him, "Lars, whatcha are doin' dere?"
Lars says, "well, I was usin' de privy here an' took off my Packers jacket so I wouldn't get the poo onto it. When I got up to wipe, my Packers jacket went an' fell into the hole and I'm a tryin'to get it outter de hole, eh."

"Lars, you're jacket is gooder than gone. It's ruined so you just should give it up." Said Lena.

"I know, but I had a pastie in my left pocket that was only half eaten."Lars said.

Posted by: Minuteman at March 20, 2016 01:33 PM (qb4kf)

230 Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....

Posted by: North by Northeast of Eden at March 20, 2016 01:34 PM (O7hFp)

231 Girl bugs her dad to borrow the car. Dad says 'ok, but you have to suck my dick'. Girl starts sucking his dick and says 'gawd your dick tastes like shit!' Dad says 'Oh that's right, your brother is using the car now'

Posted by: model_1066 at March 20, 2016 01:34 PM (tXYvZ)

232 The Doctor puts his stethoscope against a girls' chest and tells her, "Nice big breaths".

She answers, "Yeth, and I'm just thixteen."

Posted by: Dirks strewn at March 20, 2016 01:36 PM (QdAXQ)

233 Did you guys here about the husband who ran his wife over with his car?

Yea, I have no idea why he was driving around in his kitchen either...

Posted by: Han Yolo at March 20, 2016 01:38 PM (l2Bn8)

234 My youngest's favorite joke:

Knock Knock
- Who's there?
Interrupting cow
- Interrupting Co------Mooooooooooo!

Posted by: North by Northeast of Eden at March 20, 2016 01:38 PM (O7hFp)

235 why is trump like a violin?

he's vile in the debates, he's vile in his speeches. he's vile in his ads.

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at March 20, 2016 01:40 PM (WTSFk)

236 I recently took up yoga and after several lessons I asked the teacher if she'd ever be able to teach me to do the splits.

She asked how flexible I am now?

I said I was free on Tuesdays...

Posted by: Mudshark at March 20, 2016 01:42 PM (hcggm)

237 In the middle of the football field there is a $100 bill, with a 1st chair violinist in one corner, a virtuoso violist in a second corner, a cellist in the third corner and a bass player in the last corner. Who gets the $100?

The cellist. A 1st chair violinist doesn't go anywhere for $100, bass players are clueless, and virtuoso violists don't exist.

Posted by: milwaukee at March 20, 2016 01:45 PM (v5nNP)

238 what's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?

The taste!

Posted by: model_1066 at March 20, 2016 01:47 PM (tXYvZ)

239 How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She holds on and the world spins around her.

How many altos to change light bulb?
None. They just sit there and say "It's too high, I can't reach it."

How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That is archaic technology and they are rolling out something new next year, so just wait for the new stuff.

Posted by: Milwaukee at March 20, 2016 01:48 PM (v5nNP)

240 Posted by: Dirks strewn at March 20, 2016 01:32 PM (QdAXQ

Actually the rabbit should have said "Depends!"

Posted by: Hrothgar at March 20, 2016 01:48 PM (wYnyS)

241 What's another name for buried treasure?

BOOTY!

Posted by: model_1066 at March 20, 2016 01:55 PM (tXYvZ)

242 Apparently there is a whole world of orchestra jokes that I hadn't been previously familiar with.

Posted by: rickl at March 20, 2016 01:55 PM (sdi6R)

243 How does a mom from West Virginia know when her daughter is having her period?

Her son's sick tastes funny.

Told to me by a lovely Army nurse.

Posted by: Joe Bar at March 20, 2016 01:58 PM (111Er)

244 God and the Devil decide to bury the hatchet, stop fighting, and be friends. In order to celebrate their new friendship, they decide to go on a vacation together. They narrow down where they will get away to this solar system.

The Devil said, "Let's hang out on Saturn. Nice and cold. I can get a lot of skiing in while we're there."

God responds, "That's too cold for these old bones. I was hoping for something more along the lines of Mercury, where I can stretch out and really soak up the Sun."

The Devil replies, "Well why don't we split the difference and go to Earth? It's got some great ski slope for me and plenty of warm beaches for you to sunbathe on."

God shook his head for a while before speaking: "No, not Earth. Last time I went there, about 2,000 years ago, I knocked up a Jewish girl and I haven't heard the end of it yet."

Posted by: dwinnorcal at March 20, 2016 01:59 PM (3OTR8)

245 Q: Hey! Would you like to hear a sodium joke?

A: Na.

Posted by: MathMom at March 20, 2016 02:02 PM (L4G9B)

246 Posted by: model_1066 at March 20, 2016 01:55 PM (tXYvZ)

--------------

Paging Dr Freud. Dr Freud to the white curtesy phone.

Posted by: Duke Lowell at March 20, 2016 02:05 PM (kTF2Z)

247 MathMom...reminds me of the joke my kids told me.

16 sodium atoms and the Dark Knight walk into a bar.

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Batman!

Posted by: dwinnorcal at March 20, 2016 02:05 PM (3OTR8)

248 Guy sidles up to the bar next to three huge bodybuilders. He says to the first bodybuilder, "Wanna hear a Polish joke?"

The bodybuilder says, "Well, I'm Polish, and my two friends here are Polish. Sure you wanna tell that joke now?"

The guy says, "Nah. I don't wanna have to explain it three times."

Posted by: Taro Tsujimoto at March 20, 2016 02:09 PM (/pB9Z)

249 What's the difference between the Congressional Democratic Women's Caucus relay team, and a tribe of clever pygmies?

One is a bunch of cunning runts...

Posted by: Taro Tsujimoto at March 20, 2016 02:12 PM (/pB9Z)

250 62 What's short, furry and walks funny and is annoyingly cute?

Ewok. Or Robert Reich.
Posted by: Sphynx at March 20, 2016 11:56 AM (OZmbA)

No way, no how is Robert Reich "annoyingly cute". :/

Posted by: sinalco at March 20, 2016 02:15 PM (yODqO)

251 I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a rag-headed muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.

Suddenly, my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said, "You're upset, what is it?

"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said. "That son of a bitch next door still has my shove."

Posted by: Peaches, cautiously dipping a toe in the pool at March 20, 2016 02:24 PM (EgOr3)

252 *waves at Peaches*

Come on in, the water won't bite. Probably.

Posted by: Piercello at March 20, 2016 02:30 PM (RXfvh)

253
Did you know that women who carry a bit of extra weight generally live longer than the men who mention it.

Posted by: TheSev at March 20, 2016 02:34 PM (Av8i6)

254 Peaches, I haven't seen you here in ages. How is life?

Posted by: PaleRider at March 20, 2016 02:35 PM (9s/uQ)

255 i just don't think will farrell is funny or adam sandler or "there's something about mary".

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at March 20, 2016 02:37 PM (WTSFk)

256 latin catapults... funny.

Posted by: musical jolly chimp at March 20, 2016 02:39 PM (WTSFk)

257 "Why do men die before their wives do?"

Because they CAN."

Posted by: Baddabing at March 20, 2016 02:41 PM (bIhmV)

258 A guy moves to a small town in ND and his grandfather clock breaks. It only goes tic with no tock. The only clock repair shop is owned by a Norwegian so he doesn't trust him and tries to just live with the clock but that tic tic is driving him nuts so he swallows his trepidations and takes the clock to the shop. After hearing the problem the Norwegian clockmaker shakes his fist at the clock and says in a menacing voice "Ve have vays to make you tock"

Posted by: PaleRider at March 20, 2016 02:44 PM (9s/uQ)

259 How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Microsoft will just declare darkness a new standard.

Posted by: Hadoop at March 20, 2016 02:46 PM (2X7pN)

260 Oops, time is getting away from me, I need to get outside and ride so again I do the post and run.

Posted by: PaleRider at March 20, 2016 02:47 PM (9s/uQ)

261 Will Ferrell has a couple ofgood movies, Talledega Nights and Old School,

Posted by: Patrick From Ohio at March 20, 2016 02:48 PM (c4yY7)

262 Leading off with a Bob Hope joke?

This one remains topical:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQWmMfjaXlc

Posted by: An Observer at March 20, 2016 02:54 PM (qPVGg)

263 Sandler is authentically never funny. I would put Ferrell in the only-occasionally-funny category. Step Brothers made me laugh.

Posted by: Anon Y. Mous at March 20, 2016 02:58 PM (R+30W)

264 "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

-- Lily Tomlin

Posted by: ShainS at March 20, 2016 03:01 PM (a6Ff7)

265 Bartender says "Hey, we don't allow sub-atomic particles that go faster than the speed of light in here!

A tachyon walks into a bar.
Posted by: Minuteman at March 20, 2016 12:57 PM (qb4kf)

I know everyone is gone, but just had to say: this is funny.

Posted by: tbodie at March 20, 2016 03:28 PM (NsI03)

266 She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.

Posted by: 2soonold2latesmart at March 20, 2016 03:45 PM (Sot2r)

267 Posted by: hairless mule at March 20, 2016 12:08 PM (EqmTZ)

LOL!

Posted by: m at March 20, 2016 03:47 PM (S/1cF)

268 Q: What Does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?

A: Drops him off at band practice.

Posted by: gongtao at March 20, 2016 04:15 PM (KmMu/)

269 Everyone is excited that Emile Shonstern will be joining the symphony to play Brahms Piano Concerto No. 2 in B-flat Major. The conductor, Orrin Knockety, hires his twin brother Opera to tune their Steinway grand before the performance.

Three hours before the show the stage hands lose control of the piano sending it into a wall and rendering it out of tune. Panicked, Orrin calls his brother for an emergency tune-up.

His brother is outraged to hear this and replies: "Everyone knows that Opera Knockety only tunes once!"

Posted by: Afroman at March 20, 2016 04:18 PM (YDXEZ)

270 dwinnorcal -

LOL!

Posted by: MathMom at March 20, 2016 04:54 PM (L4G9B)

271 What's the definition of a string quartet?

A good violinist, a bad violinist, a wannabe violinist and someone who hates the violin getting together to complain about conductors.

Posted by: SparcVark at March 20, 2016 04:54 PM (YLLI8)

272 A man looks over his fence and sees little Suzy with a shovel tamping down fresh dirt in her back yard.

"What are you doing, Suzy?" he asks.

"My goldfish died, I'm burying it."

"I'm sorry to hear about your pet Suzy, but why did you dig such a large hole?"

"Because he's inside your fucking cat, Mr. Tanner."

Posted by: FireNWater at March 20, 2016 05:00 PM (cCDP3)

273 Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum it CAN be done.

Posted by: NotEasilyLed at March 20, 2016 05:02 PM (+RZZP)

274 A religious joke for a Sunday joke thread...

The Pope assembles the College of Cardinals and tells them that he has bad news and worse news.

"Cardinals, the bad news is, I have received a telephone call from God, and he tells me that within the week, the End Times will begin, proceeding rapidly to the Battle of Armageddon and the Day of Judgement as was shown to John of Patmos. We must prepare ourselves and save as many souls as we possibly can in the little time we have left."

The Cardinals are stunned. One asks, "Your Holiness, if that is merely the bad news, what can the worse news possibly be?"

"He was calling from Salt Lake City."

Posted by: Comicus at March 20, 2016 05:04 PM (EVvKk)

275 My wife's favorite joke:

What's the worst thing Willie Nelson can tell you after you give him a blowjob?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

Posted by: iowahawk at March 20, 2016 05:08 PM (xSG7O)

276 I went to the zoo but there was only a dog.
It was a Shizu.

Posted by: marvo at March 20, 2016 06:12 PM (wmMrM)

277 Yeah, it's an orchestra thing.

The orchestra was on tour when the conductor was suddenly taken ill. The first violist told the manager "I know the score really well, why don't you let me conduct 'til he can come back."

So the manager agrees and the first violist takes over.

Two weeks later, the conductor returns.

Next concert, the first violist sits down next to the second.

"Dude!" says the second violist "Where've you been?"

Posted by: Sal at March 20, 2016 06:24 PM (MRX6w)

278 A Hillary Clinton supporter and a Bernie Sanders supporter were working on a Habitat for Humanity project, nailing on siding. The Clinton supporter kept throwing nails into the garbage. This occurred randomly, but over time about half of the nails ended up being tossed.

The Sanders supported noticed this and asked, "Why are you throwing away perfectly good nails?"

The Clinton supporter replied, "They're not perfectly good. They were made backwards, with the head on the wrong end! I tried using them, but the head won't go through the siding, and it's really hard to hit the pointy end with the hammer!"

The Sanders supporter threw up his hands in exasperation, walked over to the garbage can, and started collecting the "defective" nails.

"You numbskull!" he exclaimed, "Couldn't you figure out that you can use these nails on the other side of the house?!"

Posted by: Average Guy at March 20, 2016 06:33 PM (LMcFk)

279 Blonde walks into her dry cleaners, gives the female clerk a party dress and heads for the exit.

Clerk says to the blonde, "Come again."

Blonde turns around and yells at the clerk, "No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch!"

Posted by: Indy's older but sexier brother, New Jersey at March 20, 2016 07:11 PM (+G6ZT)

280 How do you know which mechanic just had sex?

He's the one with two clean fingers.

Posted by: FellowAmerican at March 20, 2016 07:19 PM (xQWR8)

281 Why can't you starve to death on the beach?

Because of the sand which is there!

Posted by: F that F-in F-er at March 20, 2016 10:04 PM (4Z0vT)

282 What is the difference between a salty treat you eat with butter, and pictures of naked police officers?

One is popcorn, and the other one is cop porn.

Posted by: F that F-in F-er at March 20, 2016 10:06 PM (4Z0vT)

283 Out of 318 million Americans, we have to choose from Hillary and Trump...
I wish that was a joke.

Posted by: RIP USA at March 20, 2016 10:16 PM (4Z0vT)

284 ok,

I didn't get the hot blond golfer joke, either, even after the author corrected his goof - sorry, too far up thread to find it again.

But, I think I got it now. Basically, guy No. 3 is saying, 'it's a gimme, no shot required. Now give me my blow job!'

That would be a better punch line, methinks.

Posted by: Jimmy Doolittle at March 21, 2016 04:19 AM (V9hGT)

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