Tom Sizemore Gets 16 Months For Violating Drug Probations; Requests Special Celebrity Treatment, But Judge Laughs At Him, Saying "You're Tom Sizemore, not Tom Poston, for crying out loud"

No one cares, I know.

Tom Sizemore, best known for battle-hardened film roles in "Saving Private Ryan" and "Black Hawk Down," was sentenced on Monday to 16 months in prison for violating his probation in a drug possession case.

Actually he's best known for violating his probation in a drug possession case. And beating up girlfriend/whore Heidi Fleiss. And making sex tapes that will put you off sex forever. More on that later.

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The actor admitted in court last week to violating his probation on a previous felony drug conviction and tearfully pleaded with the Los Angeles Superior Court judge for leniency, begging her, "If you would please just give me one more chance for myself."

Sizemore was on three years probation when he was arrested May 8 outside a California hotel on suspicion of methamphetamine possession.

The actor's probation for a previous methamphetamine possession conviction was revoked in 2005 when he admitted to using a prosthetic penis in a bid to fake a urine test.

The sex tapes he made with prostitutes, while doing drugs, probably aren't going to help him any (content warning, but very funny; pretty much worth getting fired for). From the review of the Tom Sizemore Sex Tapes:

"And then we're gonna talk about something that's against the law, besides this here," Sizemore pauses from [going down on a prostitute which, you know, just seems to me to be a weird thing to do with a prostitute]. "Especially this girl…this is called cunnilingus or fellatio, I'm not sure. One of them means I'm not a faggot and one of them means I'm a faggot. So whichever one of them means I'm not a faggot…Oh! Nothing against you faggots, I want…you to like me too."

Sizemore gleefully gets up, his small flaccid penis flopping around like a bee-stung thumb tip.

"Hey my dick is short, huh? I'm a grower not a shower. I'm an egomaniac."

Beyond the jump, a few other choice Sizemore quotes, which are really the perfect icebreakers for a romantic evening with that very special lady you're paying $5000 to whore herself in a Vegas hotel room.

Not safe for work. It's in white font, and it will show if you scroll over it with your mouse.

"Someone is putting this in their ass and it's not gonna be me."

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"I'm making a new rule right now. Okay, I don't want to be an asshole, but don't open your mouth unless my cock is going in it."

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"My dick's getting hard," Sizemore comments around a mouthful of labia, "It's a miracle!"

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"I've never had an STD in my life." Sizemore coos romantically while still lying atop the girl he was screwing. "I want to say, just for the record: I have cancer of the pancreas and I have cancer of the brain, but I don't have Chlamydia. You know what I have cancer of? I have cancer of the police. What day is…it's Friday, right? I'm hoping that over the weekend 23 cops are murdered. I hope they have lots of kids."

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"Ahhh, oh ma gooness, I fee so goo!"

And still my favorite:

"I hazard to say that there is blood running into my cock. It is a very nice feeling."

He's a grower, not a shower. Although he does show too.