Wait a fuckin' minute....
Just hang on, here.
It's 9:30am, exactly.I finished the last post, clicked "save", then got the computer all tangled up and confused in Yahoo mail, shut it down and went to the bathroom. I get in there, pick up "Christine" and see "Birdtalk" in the magazine rack outta the corner of my eye.
I picked it up and read the address label about 40 times, trying to believe this.
"Wichita, Ks."
Yep.
They're from Terry, alright.
His handwriting on the post-it note stuck to the front, too. Shit. Then, I hear, almost as if it was spoken out loud, "You gonna let yourself be controlled like that, are ya?" Huh, what?
Controlled? Holy shit.
FUCK NO.
I ain't. I started thinking it through a bit more rationally and
1.) It's not like that's the only thing I have to talk about, that thing I can't discuss.
In fact, it may very well be that, after this one last post-to-draft (maybe) about it, I probably won't have much more to say about ANY of it ever again.
2.) I already have some really (odd, yet) cool news from last night, thanks to TVLand and the restaurant. (Now ya just gotta hear about that one, don'tcha's?)
3.) I can go right on over to Blogger and start up a new blog in about 7 seconds flat, IF it becomes necessary to "vent" about that particular subject more than once more.
4.) I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO BE CONTROLLED LIKE THAT. Or, AT ALL, thankyouverymuch.
5.) While it's true that I do indeed these days have a LOT to lose, not so much in that particular... situation. Besides, I'd never, ever lose what means the most to me by being honest, fer fuck's sake. "Those who matter don't mind..." and all.
6.) I'm not going ANYWHERE, damn it. No where that I don't freely CHOOSE to go, that is.
I LIKE Xfire, the page layout, the people who come by and come back, the MT aspects, everything. Just because I'm temporarily "gag-ordered" on one little thing (or it will be a "little thing" when I get done with me), doesn't mean I hafta give it all up. Nor does Terry's death mean that. He'd HATE that, if I let it happen. I know it. So, I won't. I still don't know yet whether I'm gonna do a "draft" post or go set up another place for it and anything else I may need to say later about it. All I do know is that I've lost a lot lately and I'm not gonna vountarily "lose" Xfire, too.
Means too much to me to do that. I might be gone a day or two, or not at all.
I don't know for sure, but, like I said, I already have some cool news. First off, instead of hostessing on Sunday mornings, I think I'm being switched to Saturday nights.
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!!
Sorry for that "Bay City Rollers" moment, but it IS kinda cool.
Except for one thing, which I've already handled, hence the coolness... See, TVLand is having this "Movie of the Week" week and they're running all these cool old movies from the 70's and shit.
Liiiike "Boy in a Plastic Bubble", which I taped last night and "The Execution of Pvt. Slovik", which I also taped. On July 2nd, they're running "Helter Skelter". !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Helter Skelter???!! I've GOTTA re-tape THAT. Except, it's coming on Saturday night at 8pm.
It's AT LEAST a four hour movie without 800 commercials, so, that presents a problem, seeing how I won't be here after the first two or so hours.
Hmmmm....
What to do, what to do? *thinking to self*
"Wouldn't hafta sweat this if I had the damned thing on DVD..."
"OH! DVD'S!!!!" So, I got on the phone.
And...
found it. Right down the road, even. Got that AND the original "Odd Couple".
SCORE!!!!!!! I was floating, walking back to the car.
Floating, I was so happy.... I came outta the bathroom a little bit ago, with my ever s'much better attitude about most of this bullshit and stuck Helter Skelter in. Gawd, what an improvement over a 15 year old VHS tape.
I never knew that William Garretson, the caretaker they polygraphed, was sweating! The detail you can see is amazing. Oh, and the other really cool thing about Saturday nights is that I can still have my Fridays back and do the whole thing. It won't conflict.
Cool beans. Anyway, lotsa stuff sucks and I'm about outta gas, here, but... I'm not quitting.
Quitting... losing... same thing.
Done enough of that lately. Besides, I'm positively certain that Terry would hate that.
And, so would I. And, Dee?
You had something to do with this "epiphany" of mine, too.
Got your comment to "And... we're back" right after I posted last time.
So, thank you, too, Darlin'. Oh, and feel free to ramble on in any comments.
I'm gonna miss Terry like a sumbitch, if someone doesn't comment a lot.
Ya know?
(Well, actually... I'm gonna miss him mightily anyway, but an infestation of barely chirping crickets in my comments would only make it worse...) Back later.
Peace
Comments
1
As I slowly pull my head out of my ass, duh !, I didn't notice you were already on MuNu in my previous comment. Glad to hear you are not giving up. I for one will keep checking by here. Let us know if you move somewhere else. Now, go smoke a doob and think happy thoughts. Ride one of your horses and let the wind blow through your hair. You'll be alright. Just give yourself some time. Hope to keep hearing from you.
Posted by: assrot at June 29, 2005 10:50 AM (ARCEn)
2
Stevie.... wow this is really turning into a tough month for you.... I'm so very sorry. I'm glad I might have helped some with your epiphany a little, but I believe you would have gotten there on your own. I've read all your archives and feel that I kinda know you (I realize I don't really) but your honesty and self disclosure allow me to feel that I know you and can share in your trials and successes. I agree with your previous comment that it might be very helpful right now to go for a long ride and simply let yourself relax into your joy with brandi and the smells, sights and sounds of the trail. Don't give up writing! I think for you, as it is for me, its a way of opening the door to yourself and at least in part for yourself. Don't worry about what you cannot go into now, just save it for later when you can and IF you need to just write it out, please simply email me personally and I won't read it if you like and will send it back to you when you are ready.
Big hugs to you!
Big hugs to you!
Posted by: dee at June 29, 2005 11:27 AM (sZnML)
3
Thanks, Dee.
I may very well do that.
The only problem I have with doing it "to draft" is the lack of feedback, so I can see how much of it is my own craziness and how much is owned by others in the situation.
It may still take me a few days. I'm still trying to get it worked down to the pont I handle writing about it all, so...
Plus, it's gonna rain here, like a sumbitch, from what the weather-dolts are saying and I hafta dig out the new horses stall before she goes in it, hopefully before the deluge starts, plus I'm seeing about maybe doing something for Terry, so...
I'll be a little "distracted" for a little while, anyway.
Meantime...
Thank you again.
I may very well do that.
The only problem I have with doing it "to draft" is the lack of feedback, so I can see how much of it is my own craziness and how much is owned by others in the situation.
It may still take me a few days. I'm still trying to get it worked down to the pont I handle writing about it all, so...
Plus, it's gonna rain here, like a sumbitch, from what the weather-dolts are saying and I hafta dig out the new horses stall before she goes in it, hopefully before the deluge starts, plus I'm seeing about maybe doing something for Terry, so...
I'll be a little "distracted" for a little while, anyway.
Meantime...
Thank you again.
Posted by: Stevie at June 29, 2005 12:51 PM (0Pw+x)
4
Whatever works best for you!
Just give yourself some down time to reconnect with yourself and those things that bring you peace.
Just give yourself some down time to reconnect with yourself and those things that bring you peace.
Posted by: dee at June 29, 2005 06:31 PM (sZnML)
5
Stevie, I am so very sorry for all the pain that you have had to endure this month. You are far from crazy, you may ramble a bit (grins) but you are far from having to wear a straight jacket.
What ever you do, don't stop writing. It will help you heal during this difficult time.
What ever you do, don't stop writing. It will help you heal during this difficult time.
Posted by: Maeve at June 30, 2005 12:18 AM (6E1RR)
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