That's it. I'm done with this now.
Just got an email from Craig Reynolds, Terry's brother.
Terry has passed away. Thank God I got to talk to him on the phone that (last) time (on the 11th) and I'll keep his picture and those bird magazines he sent me forever, but... It's seemed lately that he's who I was writing to as he was my most frequent and sometimes only commenter. Between this and a coupla other issues about "expressing myself" (more to the point... NOT expressing myself truthfully) that I've had lately, I just don't think I want to, or even CAN really, do this anymore. Half-truths, outright lies, people dying, high school bullshit... Jesus.This is EXACTLY what I was trying to escape in meatspace life.
Now, here it is again. June is a deadly month, ain't it?
Started with Storm, ending with this. How fitting. Peace
Thank you, Terry, for all the words of encouragement and love you sent our way.
Not to mention the magazines and that picture of you. (And, yeah ya were too, adorable...)
I'll treasure them.
They can't stop you anymore. I won't let them stop me for long, either. Dude, I was SO gonna call you and tell you what happened there, but... it was so big, there was so much of it and it hurt me so bad, I wanted to get it boiled down to something workable.
Didn't get it there fast enough, I guess.
How could I have, without Xfire? I wonder, truly, if I ever will.
I doubt I will without Xfire, but that doesn't matter.
I don't matter.
Nope, not even here.
Can't chance "offending" anybody, no matter how "offensive" things get.
Can't chance hurting anybody, no matter how destroyed I get. Yeah.
I got that fuckin' memo. God, Terry, I needed to talk to you about this. I was on the fence.
Call Terry and maybe a coupla others, get it out, then get back to writing about everything else, or just say "fuck it" because I can't tell MY truth here anymore, which makes this useless and utterly pointless. Guess I can see God's vote.
"Fuck it". Got it. But, I don't "got" you no more, do I, Ter?
This sucks, Dude, as I'm sure you know. Ah well, just one more reason why I'm not scared to die whenever.
I know more dead people than I do live ones and it's gonna be a helluva party when I see them all again. Hope it's not toooooo awfully long. This month has beat me DOWN.
And, what God and Death might have missed doing, PEOPLE took care of. Hell, man... I knew something was up when I never did hear from you about that shit last week.
I keep getting my email, but all that's been in it til today is Freecycle shit.
That was bad enough.
But, to see an email "from" you with you as the subject too.... no way.
Not again.
Fuck me runnin'.
Yes, again.
But for the last fuckin' time for one helluva long time.
I'll see to that myself. Thank you for putting my own SHIT into perspective for me one last time, Terry. You've managed to show me that, as ironic as it is, the fact that Xfire has been rendered useless to me by the one person who has already taken so much from me and who truly dislikes (if not hates) me more than any other person I've ever known, is bullshit.
Doesn't matter.
And, in that, neither do I. Can't tell the truth.
Might hurt HER.
S'okay if she shits on me forever, but.... not me.
I'm not "allowed" to purge it anymore, so what's the fuckin' point?
Even more to the point, what's the fuckin' point without YOU, Terry? You were about the only one commenting lately.
I really felt like I was writing to you.
A lot. So, now what? Between the "restrictions" and this... I give. The only other idea I had/have is to wait (and wait and WAIT) til this "last week" shit leaves me and what's left of my heart alone, then come on back and be ABLE to write about other things.
Or wait til it's "safe".
But, that involves another death.
And, I ain't waitin' for this one.
(And, no, I'm not gonna CAUSE it, either, because I ain't talkin' about HER.) I dunno. Look, if anybody else who happens to see this REALLY gives a shit, email me and we'll see what we come up with. But, this isn't what it used to be for me and hasn't been since I had to pull a post at the beginning of May. Me and the truth.
Neither of us matter.
Not really.
Facades matter.
Certain people matter.
I'm not one of them. IF I had any questions about that, which I didn't, I SINCERELY don't now.
For the most part, that's just fine with me, which is a GOOD thing, because it ain't gonna ever change, I know that.
But, when I matter less HERE too, well... that's just way too fuckin' much. Now this. I always "mattered" to you, Terry.
Me, Eric, Storm... all of us mattered more to you than... to some other people.
I miss you so very much already.
But, I know you're at peace now and I also know you're here somewhere with me now, so I'll be okay.
Eventually.
I hope. Lookit, I not gonna let myself be completely destroyed by this (and I don't mean you, Terry).
I'd talked to Paul before about starting over some place anonymous and I think I may talk to him again.
Start over.
Totally anonymous.
(And, yes... I'd bring a few of you with me...) But, be somewhere where I can be me again and not some pile of horseshit to spare the feelings of a person who.... See? I can't do it here anymore. And, I also can't NOT work thru this shit I was handed. And and, the only reason I had to continue here was Terry, more or less. Now, I don't got that anymore, either, do I? No.
I don't. God, this sucks.
(And, yeah, I do mean you leaving this life this time Ter...) Ah what the hell man.
Since this is Death Month, may as well put paid to Xfire too, right? Go someplace else, where the truth can live.
And, so can I. Godspeed, Terry.
And thank you again for choosing me as your friend.
It was (and still is) an honor.
*hugs you one last time*
Comments
1
Well, I hate to see you go if you're serious about it. I don't comment alot. I am a man of few words. I have always enjoyed your blog and usually stop by at least every couple of days. Don't let the world turn your heart to stone. If you can't blog like you want to here, why not move to somewhere that you can. I'd rather see you move than quit. I love reading your stuff. Why not try MuNu for a blog host. I hear they do not censor your content. Hope to keep hearing from you. :-)
Posted by: assrot at June 29, 2005 09:32 AM (ARCEn)
2
Thank you, Sweetie.
You left this comment exactly two minutes after I started the top post.
We think alike.
(Which should scare the HELL outta you... *grin*)
Reading that email about Terry even before a cuppa coffee about killed me and it did throw me for a bit, but... ah, just read the latest post, if ya haven't already.
I went from feeling (almost) overwhelmingly sad and defeated to kinda pissed in less than an hour and I've spent entirely too much of my life in the "sad and defeated" arena.
I tried for 20-some years to build any kind of foundation I could offa "sad and defeated" and it just doesn't work.
SO, I'm assuming that "kinda pissed" is a better ground upon which to build.
Even if it's just a ladder to get back to "ground level"... *giggle*
Which, I've done.
Now, on to the rest of MY life.
My life as it really is, not "how I wish it was" or "would like to see it", because ya know what? It's really rather good these days.
In and of itself, that is.
That particular part of my life (wishing/wanting) used to be an entire WING on the "building" of who I am.
It is now a room.
A room whose door was slammed shut recently and that I'm locking.
I have to or it's just gonna drag me back down into the hell I just got out of and it's simply not worth it.
"Sometimes, ya just gotta know when to say "fuck it"..."
Well, after more than half of my life, I know.
And, all of this truly is the right thing to do.
Not only can I feel it, it just makes sense.
This blog and you guys have gotten me farther in three or so years than I got in the previous twenty.
So, if I have to quit something, THIS ain't it.
I know that much already.
Meantime, I've got a house to straighten up, a coupla horses to go see to, not to mention roosters, rabbits and God knows whatall and a crippled up ex-bullrider laying on my livingroom floor.
(Yeah, on toppa ever'thing else, Eric's back decides to take a hiatus on him... "Bye, Dude. I'm outta here. Try walking NOW, peckerweed...")
*rolls eyes*
So, yes, I will be back.
Just not sure when.
(Knowing me, probably about 15 minutes...)
Hugs on ya for saying what ya did.
(And, I'm Munu already, ain't I?)
(This part is making me laugh my ass off, btw, so thank you again...)
You left this comment exactly two minutes after I started the top post.
We think alike.
(Which should scare the HELL outta you... *grin*)
Reading that email about Terry even before a cuppa coffee about killed me and it did throw me for a bit, but... ah, just read the latest post, if ya haven't already.
I went from feeling (almost) overwhelmingly sad and defeated to kinda pissed in less than an hour and I've spent entirely too much of my life in the "sad and defeated" arena.
I tried for 20-some years to build any kind of foundation I could offa "sad and defeated" and it just doesn't work.
SO, I'm assuming that "kinda pissed" is a better ground upon which to build.
Even if it's just a ladder to get back to "ground level"... *giggle*
Which, I've done.
Now, on to the rest of MY life.
My life as it really is, not "how I wish it was" or "would like to see it", because ya know what? It's really rather good these days.
In and of itself, that is.
That particular part of my life (wishing/wanting) used to be an entire WING on the "building" of who I am.
It is now a room.
A room whose door was slammed shut recently and that I'm locking.
I have to or it's just gonna drag me back down into the hell I just got out of and it's simply not worth it.
"Sometimes, ya just gotta know when to say "fuck it"..."
Well, after more than half of my life, I know.
And, all of this truly is the right thing to do.
Not only can I feel it, it just makes sense.
This blog and you guys have gotten me farther in three or so years than I got in the previous twenty.
So, if I have to quit something, THIS ain't it.
I know that much already.
Meantime, I've got a house to straighten up, a coupla horses to go see to, not to mention roosters, rabbits and God knows whatall and a crippled up ex-bullrider laying on my livingroom floor.
(Yeah, on toppa ever'thing else, Eric's back decides to take a hiatus on him... "Bye, Dude. I'm outta here. Try walking NOW, peckerweed...")
*rolls eyes*
So, yes, I will be back.
Just not sure when.
(Knowing me, probably about 15 minutes...)
Hugs on ya for saying what ya did.
(And, I'm Munu already, ain't I?)
(This part is making me laugh my ass off, btw, so thank you again...)
Posted by: Stevie at June 29, 2005 10:39 AM (0Pw+x)
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