Leavin' for Jersey soon...

And, for some reason, I'm sitting here getting all pissed off at the DVD player, the DVD "Overboard", which incidentally, makes a GREAT frisbee and smoking two cigarettes at once.

I just got up, too.

Went to bed before 10pm for that express purpose.
Getting up early, I mean. Not the DVD discus Olympic Event.

I'm just in "no mood".
As in: For this shit...
Meaning THIS shit.

Not that. Not the Jersey deal...
Altho, if I could arrange it so NONE of us hadda do this, I would.
(Too much of Mr. King in my head, there....)

Ahhhh... okay.
Hearing the "theme song" of "The Stand", a DVD that seems to know how to WORK, is calming me down...
(And, don't be lookin' at me. 60's & 70's music does that ever'time...)

Tiny (ha!) change in plans, too.
George called me Wednesday night and said he does hafta work, sooooo....
Insteada him coming here and us all going together and me not driving and all that...
I'm using Bob's truck.

The one I washed not long ago, then, after I had the back window (scraped) clean, he broke it out. *giggle*
I saw that and was like, "Daamn, Bob. Whaddya do, Dude? Couldn't actually SEE the window anymore and forgot it was there?"
And, yeah, that was pretty much what happened.
He had some kinda long poles or whatever in the bed, sitting on top of this huge box that's in there and when he hit the brake, they (the poles or whatever) went thru the window.

He fixed it.

Anyway, that's how we're getting there now.
A big maroon/burgandy deisel Ford p/u.

It and the Firebird sound a LOT alike these days, but at least the truck is SUPPOSED to sound that way.

Meanwhile, I got up early to do my "clean the house before I leave even tho I'm not gonna be here all damned day, but at least it'll be clean when I get home" shit.
What is that about, anyway?
I do this all the time, but I don't get it.
I don't know why.

Fucked up, I guess.
(I guess? Shyeah, right. Try, "I KNOW"....)

*coupla minutes later*
Ah man...
Yesterday at work, I was getting the idea that maybe I'm getting used to this idea about Adrienne now but the fact that Friday was creepin' up was still kinda cranking up the ol' nerve knob, ya know?
Then, last night, while we were doing our "honor ride" for her, it hit me that I think I'm getting used to this idea, yeah, but... when I get there today, it's gonna fuck me up all over again.

It hasn't been really "real" yet to me.

I mean...
I get it.
I know what they've told me and I understand what that means, but....

Somehow, I keep waiting to hear the next thing Adrienne has done.
Like when she had that car accident....
That freaked me right out and she was fine that time.
Then, a few days later, Dad had another chapter of the story for me.

I'm waiting for the next chapter of this one, now.

As if he's gonna call and tell me the next thing she's gonna be doing.
Or, that "she's okay" after this, like she was after that accident.

Lord, I wish he could do that again.

*another coupla minutes later*
Still no definite word on whether or not I'm gonna be allowed to be a pallbearer for her.
They had four when I asked and yesterday, when I talked to Dad from work, they have 6 now, but I told him to either bribe or lock in a closet one of the last two, because I really want to do this.
Or, find another one. I'll be number 7, damn it.

Now, I understand completely what Andy Harris was doin' hanging out in the back, near the grandfather clock in the funeral home, at his Granddaddy's funeral.
Think that's where I'm gonna wind up, too.
In the back.
Quietly.
Away from everybody else.

Ah hell.
At least it's what I'm used to, right?

I have to be honest, even if now is not the time.
I DO have issues with this.
I want to do this.
And, if I can't...
Well....
That's that, then, huh?

A rather definitive answer in and of itself.
Usually, I love definitive answers, but this time...

I just want to do this.
Ya know?

On the other hand, this ain't about me.
I know that.
(I'm kinda used to that, too... *sardonic grin*)

Ya wanna know what I feel like?
I kinda feel like "Vivian's kid from a relationship prior to Dad" or that I'm only "blood related" to her somehow and that makes me... it makes me kinda like one of those "Untouchables" in India or something.

I dunno.

Fuck.

The reality is what it is and has been forever.

It's really alright, though.
It is what it is and I am what I am.
I'll go and I'll come back.
How hard is that?

(How hard?
VERY.)

Anyway, I've gotta go.
Got some shit that needs to get done and it ain't gunna do itself.

Just want to letcha's know that y'all and about half the people I work with are gonna be there with me today, so thank you guys for that.
Eric will be too, so I won't be all alone.

For that, I thank you.
Eric, I'll thank later with a huge hug.
Wish I could do the same with y'all.

If you find yourself saying a prayer today, could ya include Adrienne in it for me... for her?

Thank you, peace and I'll talk to ya's later...

Posted by: Stevie at 04:12 AM

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Posted by: Maeve at June 30, 2005 12:12 AM (6E1RR)

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