Not yet....

Still can't quite wrap my mind around this one.
I've repeated it about 67 (million, if you count the times I've said it to myself, trying to understand it) times since I was told and... nope.
I hear me, I feel my mouth moving, but it's like it's somebody else saying it.
Can't be me.

Can't be Adrienne.
And, if it HAS to be Adrienne, she can't really be that.
Right?

Shit, man....
In all my life, never in my wildest, most insane imaginings, would I... could I have ever imagined this.
Why would I have?

She was only 24.
She was fine.

I called Dad today and asked if he thinks that maybe I could be a pallbearer for her.
God knows I've done it before.

I think, so far, the hardest time was for Uncle Henry.
It took so long to do that walk. Yet, not long enough to say goodbye to that man...
I didn't carry him.
I escorted the horse team, walked by their heads, the whole route from the funeral parlor to the graveside.
Good God, I loved Henry Kroll.
I was proud to do that for him, to show my respect and love for the guy and to honor him like that.

I'd like to do the same for Adrienne.
And Kim.

And Dad.

And Norm, though he's gonna be one already.

Dear God, I hope they let me...
I hope the very idea doesn't just totally freak Kim out.
I hope she understands what my intentions are by asking.

I know Dad does and so will Norman when he hears, but then again, those two "get" me completely.
They know me better than I do myself, let alone Kim, especially after the fractured relationship we've had for so long.
Which is why, if it does freak her out, or makes her even the slightest bit uncomfortable, I'll understand.
I can see how she could not "get" it....
But, Lord, I hope she does.

(Trying to DirectConnect to my brother...)
(It's going thru, but I have no idea if he's even in the same place as his phone...)

Meantime, my Bosses were wonderful about this.
Not knowing when anything was going on earlier today, they were more than willing to work with me and cover me if need be.
Gave me this coming up Sunday as hostess again, too, in case I did have to... not be there when scheduled.

But...
It's Thursday night and Friday.
Found that out today when I called Dad.

Not sure yet exactly what the plan is, but it involves George coming here to get us (Eric too) and I think he may be going to the veiwing Thursday night and then we're all going Friday.
Somehow, the idea of driving that far on that day for that reason is more than I can handle...
But, with Eric and George there, I should be just fine.
Especially if George is doing the driving.

Ya know, every once in a while, it almost feels like I can grasp this, can believe it... almost.
Then, later on, it wops me upside the head again and just breaks my heart all over again.

I feel so bad for them...
All of them, especially her.

I keep getting these tinges of anger every once in a while, that she was so ROBBED like that, too.

Two dozen may seem like a lot in a lot of respects, but not when it's the sum total of years a person gets to live.

The strongest thing I feel, I guess is shock... I keep having this "How the FUCK did this happen? Whaddaya mean she's dead? How the hell did she DIE, fer Christ's sake?" thing in me.
It stops me in my tracks, too.
Here, at work, any time pretty much, that it socks me...

Everything stops.
My mind.
Me.
The world.

All I can think is "NO".
No way.

Then, I hear Dad's voice in my head, saying it again and boom.

"I have some bad news..."

Yeah, I'll say he did.
Damn.

But, this is so far beyond "bad news" that I don't even know what the word is for what this is.
Storm was "bad news".
Your car blowing up, getting fired, divorced... THAT'S "bad news".

This is fuckin' insane.

I mean... I know this shit happens to people, but...
it shouldn't.
Especially not to such a young person.
Such a good person.
She never did anything bad to anybody.
Not like some people I've known and I'm thinking of Rob's and Eric's exes and Charles Manson and "barely human" people like them.

Adrienne wasn't that kinda person.
She was a GOOD kid.
Pretty.
Young.
Healthy.
Smart.
Sweet.
Giving.
A truly good hearted person.

So, why?

God forgive me, but why not one of the BC's, Charles Manson or one of the millions of people considering suicide or dying of some horrible, painful disease or something, someone who WANTS to be dead?

Why her?

I know nobody can answer that, but still...
I'm compelled to ask.
Over and over and over again....

Jesus.

(10:07pm... Finally got hold of Norm. He's with Shawn and in an area where his reception isn't so good, but I did get to tell him what I asked Dad, so... I wanted him to know in case I can't do it that I want to. And, he said he's doing better than most people are and so is Dad. So far. Thank you, Lord.....)

Posted by: Stevie at 10:01 PM

Comments

Posted by: Light & Dark at June 21, 2005 12:19 AM (+Ds2b)

Posted by: jr at June 21, 2005 02:50 AM (6krEN)

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