Here we go, again....
Well, the BC has done it again. She told Eric, Jr. a couple of months back, that he had until August to decide who he wants to live with-her or his Dad. Nothing else has been said for a while, so we decided to see what her thoughts are these days. Eric, Jr. called her and she has changed everything. She started out saying she was going to let him decide. Now, she's saying things like "I'm not going to make it easy for you. Your Dad is going to have to file court papers and you'll have to tell the Judge you want to live with your Dad. I'm not paying child-support. I'm not giving him one dime." Blah, blah, blah. This she is saying to a 14 year old. This is nothing, though-for her. He sees how she is now. No question. He (Eric, Jr.) understands now that she could not possibly care less about him or how he feels. That all she sees him as is a meal ticket/pawn to use against his father. She wants to lure big Eric back to Jersey so she can get him locked up for arrears. It's not for child support, though. It's the spousal support that we can't afford. Frankly, after the shit E.Jr and his little buddy pulled this past week, I have to admit, while I do still want E. Jr. to live here, it's okay if it doesn't happen in the next two seconds. This recent bullshit has got me a little worried about what it would be like full time and I don't think we did such a great job of handling this shit at the beginning. Plus, to be BLUNTLY honest, I'm not close to ready to giving up all my 'alone-time' with big E for the rest of my life. Or, at all. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get it back again, to begin with. I'm not saying that I want George to move, I just wish I could live alone with big E on top of a mountain somewhere. Forever. Alone.. Ya know? The next best thing would be if someone (not sayin' WHO) would have the courtesy to just die. This person does not possess the capacity to ever change and this person is a miserable wretch and I believe this person would be a much happier person dead. At peace, finally, anyway. Much like the rest of us would be. And, NO, I do not have any personal wish, vendetta or plans to hasten this along. I just wish it would happen, all by itself, already. I did before. I figured it would be worth life in prison to know the world was rid of that evil...but, I really don't care about it enough anymore to carry that shit around with me 24/7. Besides, there really isn't anything on this planet or not, that's worth being away from big E like that. Besides, what kinda person would that make me? Wishing it's head would burst into spontaneous flame makes me a human person. Acting on it would make me a horrible person-like they are. So, no thanks. Not worth it. Besides, if we just maintain and keep controlled, we'll make out in the end. In that, I have faith. Because, I know that as long as Eric and I have each other, everything else "ain't nuthin' but a thing, man...." like they say in those Nam movies when something shitty happens. Little E understands that even if we can't get him here until he's 18, it's not because that the way we, or he, wants it. It's the way she's gonna make it be. So, since he gets that, who do ya think is gonna end up losing in the long run? And, honestly, even if the rest of the world ceased to exist, Eric and I will still have each other, so we'll be just fine. Besides, this is all God's doing and His plan. Do ya think He gives a crap if we don't like it right now? Noooo. He'll do it His way in His time. (Just to clear this up-Yes, I do believe in God. I also believe organized religion is a crock of shit and I do not belong to any church or anything. I believe in Him, have a cool relationship with Him, and I do tell people when it comes up. And, I'm of the opinion that Jesus was/is gorgeous, just like quite a number of rock stars from the '70's...) Anyway....
I had an epiphany the other day. Eric, my Eric, is NOT a genius. (Pauses to wait for the laughter to die down...)
I'm serious. I've been looking at him through some screwed up excuse for eyes lately and I do know why. And, I've cut it out. The reason I was doing that boils down to misconceptions on my part. Assumptions. And, honorable intent. Eric is a Nuclear Valve Tech by trade. He can fix more kinds of valves than I can remember the names of. There is this book that goes with his job. It's some kind of shop manual. I think it has specs in it or something. I looked at it one time, saw it had math with LETTERS in it and said "Forgit it..." He picks it up and reads it as easily as I would Dr. Seuss. So, I figure he's GOT to be pushing 120-125 (at least) on the old I.Q. scale and Wow! I put that together in my mind with the guy (dope) who can ride bull after bull, get knocked out, quit breathing, bleed from more places than I thought possible and add the fact that he withstood a BARGE LOAD of shit for a very long time and I'm now looking at a man who really is (should be) 10' tall and bulletproof. Able to control meetings with the much older, slightly manipulative Boss with a single thought...able to run the whole operation 24/7 without breaking a sweat....the ultimate Man's man/Ladies man. My own personal John Wayne/Alan Alda combo. And, it used to piss me to no end when he "let" things happen otherwise. I thought he was letting Bill get between us in every way he could. I thought he was purposely acting helpless when he didn't want to do things and didn't want to say so. (Well, he DOES do that a little, but no where near like I thought he was...) I thoght all kindsa stupid shit all because I jumped to a coupla conclusions a long time ago. I've spent untold hours trying to get him to be more of that guy I thought he was. He thought I was trying to change him. Sigh. He was beginning to resent it and so was I. I couldn't understand why, if he had it in him, he didn't use it. All of a sudden, a few days ago, it hit me. Oooohhhh. Okay. I get it. It's not that he's a complete retard, he's just not the Jeopardy material I thought he was. I can soooo handle that. Much better than when I thought he was being goofy on purpose. Goofy isn't exactly the right word, but I've been awake for over 24 hours and I can't think of the right one...I feel like I've got a whole new guy I that I've been in love with forever, if that makes any sense whatsoever. So, right when the house is the most full of people it can get, I discover the real Eric all over again and now I just want to be alone with him and hang out and talk and shit. That's not ALL I want to do, but that's been quashed for now, too. Stupid reproductive horseshit! I ain't never even been pregnant in my whole life. I'm freakin' 40! now, so why do I still have to put up with this particular stupid thing? It is so cramping my style-pun definitely intended. I swear to God, finally seeing the light about this has changed me. Everything is still the same-as in life marches on (up your back)-but, everything is different now. Better. Less pressure. Less anger. Less distance. More 'flowing love' feelings. We can see it in each other's eyes. What a relief. How cool. Thank God. Ya know? Life still isn't perfect-how boring would THAT be- but, we just about are. Just like we were in the beginning. All over again. And, I'll tell ya the truth-always-out of all the stuff that's been driving me bugfuck lately, I wouldn'ta picked a single different thing to have gotten straightened out. If I only get one thing in my life that's ever gonna be right, I'm grateful to God Himself that this is it.
Okay...I'm gonna go try to stand erect now. I'll be back...still gotta get those damnable comments working.
Til then-srv200163 at yahoo dot com
Peace to ya....
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