Look out...
I have all kinds of random shit in my head-none of it great, none of it horrifying...but, it's gotta go, nonetheless. I'm tired of it.
First things first...No matter who else could care less that I'm alive, who wishes I weren't or who wants to help me get that way....I know my animals love me. And, to be honest, I value their opinions more than I do most peoples. Hell, they are nicer about things, they don't judge or misjudge, they form their own decisions-in a more intelligent way than do most people I've dealt with in person in my life. (Which is a real long way of saying that what I'm saying is NOT about you guys...there IS one blog-type thing in my mind, but it's about two female bloggers and a kid. Or, actually a better way to put it is a blogger and TWO children. More about that later...maybe. It's juvenile and stupid and I really don't care about it except for the "Now.....theres your karma..ha ha with an eye roll" thing I feel. WHATEVER... back to the point...) My animals don't use other people's inaccurate, malformed, uninformed, biased, jealous, juvenile and purely self-ego-inflating opinions to form their own. They use their own minds and experience with me to decide whether or not I'm worthy. And, to them...I am. Even after I've fed everyone. Even when I feel like a loaded and cocked pistol just waiting to go off. Even when I look like hell. Even when I feel like hell. Even if I don't keep up with the house. Even if I do. No matter WHAT.....they still love me (or at least they act like it...which is a lot more than I can say for some people I know.) I believe that's called 'unconditional love'. Right? The kind you're supposed to find with certain people...like parents. Yeah....
Ah, parents. The wunnerful people who bring you here. Then drive you up the fuckin' wall for about 18-20 years, then one runs off with your boyfriend and the other one marries some chick who's the same age as you. (I guess I should be grateful they at least fucked up correctly-mom ran off with the boyfriend and Dad married the chick..it coulda been worse....but ya gotta really want to believe that.) I have believed that....for a long time. I don't anymore and I'm sick of excusing outrageous behavior that way. It's easy to blame my mom for everything. She was the one who was so obvious about being NUTS. But, I've finally realized my Dad ain't the 'hero' I had to believe he was. Hell, I've probably known for a while. Again, it was easier to blame the chick-Kim, for that because she was the one who was so obvious in her dislike of me. I used to just get pissed at her and blow it off as not having anything to do with my Dad. NEVER BLAME THE PERFECT ONE. Horse hockey. The simple truth is that when Dad married Kim I could have (actually SHOULD have) DIED and it would have just been perfect for them. At least they would have had one less thing to have argued about.
The thing is (and this just makes me nauseous) I can actually, intellectually understand my mom and Kim's problem. It is, was and probably always would have been the same thing with both of them. Their age. And, their heads. Both of them were too young to handle me at their respective times. My mother was 17 when she got married, then pregnant (and believe me, I've done the math...I was lookin' for a reasonable reason why Dad would have married her. That wasn't it...he's just NUTS!). She had no idea where babies even came out...and I don't think she was any happier after she found out. She should NOT have been married to anybody, NOT been allowed to have kids (yet-if ever) and she sure as HELL should not have been allowed to perpetrate her insanity for as long as she did. (NORMAN!)
Thanks to my mother, I now do not trust women, do not have or ever want kids and am still sitting here at the age of 40 feeling like an orphan. That's because when I figured out (by the time I was about 4 years old) that mom was a fruit loop, I put all my heart into my Dad. Only to have it thrown away when Kim came along. Another (fuckin') Gemini who was pregnant (not by Dad) and too young and insecure to deal with anything extra. Like a lover who might just marry and thus LEGITIMIZE her's daughter.
Can't let anything or anyONE fuck up that chance...can we? Hell no! So, she over-acted and cutsied her way into Dad's life and muscled me out. Permanantly. Completely. With malice aforethought and overkill. Acrimony. Broken hearts, hurt feelings, exclusion, shitty attitudes and the like. BUT-who cares? She saved her own ass and her stupid baby's. She did it. SHE'S safe now. Who CARES what it cost to get there? Not her. Or my Dad. He did really like (love-gag!) her and he wasn't going to just leave her poor little put-upon, picked on, fucked-with-by-her-family ass sitting there after he too had slept with her. "I'm going to be DIFFERENT. I'm not going to be like everybody else and just leave. Her family doesn't believe that I'm getting divorced anyway and that I'd marry her. Well, I'll show them...and myself that I am too a GOOD GUY." Uh-huh. Okay, Dad. MOM was the asshole who couldn't face responsibility and having a family, right? SHE was the one who had little or no regard for how her actions impacted me, right? SHE'S the one who threw me (and everything else) away by moving to Florida with JIMMY MILLER, right? SHE didn't ever want me in the first place and you were all I had, right DAD? GOD DAMN RIGHT!!! You WERE all I had. Wanna know what it was that I had, Dad?
I had your shirts to fall asleep with so I'd feel like you were there while you were workin' shift work at the plant. I had the occaisional times alone with you to just BE. I had fun with you and hell with her. I had my Dad and some insane banshee in my life. I had you and I had HELL. Then, I didn't even have you anymore. I had one wish...that mom would go the fuck away somewhere, or drop dead-I wasn't picky-and I wished I could have been raised by you alone. All I ever wanted was to be "you, Jr." I wanted to be as much like you as humanly possible. I totally resented the fact that I was the same sex as the lunatic. I FUCKIN' WELL KNEW THAT IF I HAD BEEN A BOY, I'D HAVE MATTERED MORE. Well, maybe it would have been easier for you to keep her off my back if I had been a son, but daughters need their Daddies more than boys do. More emotionally, I mean. We ( us girls) are practically in love with our Daddies and we use you (dolts) to try to figure out what kind of guy to wind up with. At least, that's the way it is when you've got a Daddy worth wanting to be around. Like you were. (Like you still are-to Norman the Third and Kim's daughter.) BUT, damn it, Dad...what about me? And, I mean 'what about me since day ONE when you met Kim?' Fuck that. I damn well do mean "What about me now, too?" You're not dead. Neither am I-unfortunely for you and several other people who spring to mind. Believe me, I'd rather be dead than spend one more minute trying to figure out what happened to my excuse for a life. And, how to change it. I can't fuckin' change it, can I? NO. I'll forever be the person who was birthed and 'raised' by two goofballs. Mom was a mean, dangerous, hurtful bitch-goofball, but, you're a goofball, too. You're just nicer and funny (sometimes) about it. Mom did not love me. You did. DID. Did ya catch that? DID. I used to know it. I used to FEEL it. I don't anymore and haven't for about...oh...22 YEARS. Oh, I think you still had love for me in your heart and room for me in your life when you first met Kim, but it lessened more and more every time her and I scrapped. With Kim's heartfelt and thoroughly enthusiastic approval. And, once she ran me completely outta the house and your day-to-day life, then got pregnant with Norman, we ALL woulda been better off if I had just had the courtesy to cease to exist, huh? And, except for wishing I was him, no I'm not bitter at, to or about Norman the third. He's a great guy. For what the fuck I've been allowed to know of him. You keep telling me time and again how alike we are. Well, if we're so ALIKE, why don't I rate as worthy of spending any time with by you? You admitted to me once, when you were tired and sipping brandy, that Kim never did want me around so I wouldn't be a bad influence on "her" kids. You deny that all to hell and gone NOW, but you did tell me that. I was relieved to finally be told the TRUTH, remember? No, of course ya don't, because you never said that. Bullshit. Dad....WHY DID YOU LET HER DO THAT? Who's god-damned fault was it that I was so...rough, or not finished, or crazy? Who had me? Who raised me? Who made me that way? You and mommie dearest, that's who. Jesus, man, mom never taught me anything I needed to know. I didn't even get the "pre-feminist bullshit" method of being a homemaker lessons from her. Let alone anything about how to be 'feminist-like' and figure out how to do it alone. All she taught me was that kids suck and never have any. Never anything about being a (fuckin') female, how to sew, cook, clean, be a smart girlfriend (as in 'not getting used like a tissue-snotted on , then thrown away') or a good wife. These days, I just do the opposite of what I watched her do. You made yourself scarce-between shift work and the Moose, the Eagles , hunting trips to Pa...shit like that. I didn't blame you then for escaping. I just wished you had taken me with you. But, the fact remains...Mom was not just dropping the ball, but throwing it away and becoming more disgusted every time it bounced back and you didn't pick it up, either. Then, when Kim showed up with her (brass) balls, you flattened mine. You decided that since I was 18, I was ready. You ACTUALLY expect me to believe that you, the lab technician, Jeopardy board answering, crossword puzzle in INK doing, intelligent person that you are-YOU-couldn't tell the difference between a marriage and an escape? You tell me "Well, you and Charlie were getting married. I thought everything was fine." Right. You also tell me how much like mommiedearest I have been, then you allow me to be forced into a position, by your insecure girlfriend, to start out my life making the exact same mistake mom did when you two got married. It's no secret that she did it to get away from Pop-pop. I did it to get away from KIM. You want me to believe you didn't know that? Well, I don't. You can, if it makes it bearable for you to think about...or if it justifies for you what has been my life...but, I'm about facing shit right now. I hate, more than you'll ever understand, to admit it, but Dad- ya fucked up. Which I can easily forgive-to a point. Everybody makes mistakes...ya don't get to know it's a mistake until it's too late, usually and all that sorta shit. Fine. But, what about NOW?
NOW, a.k.a. 'Part Two' will resume momentarily. Or, maybe, next week. (It'll be in a mnute...relax.) I've gotta do a coupla things that require leaving the computer, but...I WILL BE BACK. (Any kind of heavy-Godfather-type music could be inserted here...)
(Truth? I gotta go to the bathroom and I don't want Blogsplat to breakfast on any one huge post...)
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