But, wait....there's more
During these last 22 years, the thought has crossed my mind several times (roughly at the speed of light, mind you) that DAD IS LETTING THIS HAPPEN. Kim wouldn't be able to do the things she did, treat me the way she did, if Dad would make her stop. But, I always found a way to put the blame back on her. Usually along the lines of "She is an evil bitch, controlled by Satan himself and she is FORCING Dad to let me drift off into the void." Sometimes I'd ask Dad "What IS IT about her? How can you stand her attitude?" And, he'd tell me "Oh, she's cute. (he thinks...remember now, in my opinion, Ann Margret is the standard that I can't even live up to) She's funny, smart, likes sex..." And... "She does NOT hate you. She's very concerned about you. She wants you to be doing good." Right. That's why she backed off enough for me to stay close to Dad. That's why she has never once called, written or tried to talk to me about this crap. That's why I am where I am in my head right now. And, in my Dad's life. And, my brother's. Which brings me to what's making me go through all this now...
My brother is graduating Marine boot camp here soon. Or maybe he already has. It's sometime in the middle of August. (Ain't it nice I know so much?) At any rate, when he went in, my Dad gave me his address down there. Now, I haven't been allowed to be very much a part of Norman's life ever. In his whole life, if I've spent the equivalent of a month with him, I'd be surprised. That was NOT-NOT, Dad...do ya hear? NOT-my choice. In spite of this, Norman and I get along great and I know we love each other. WE will be fine. Some fuckin' day when I can develope a solid relationship with him outside of that particular 'family' unit. (Read: When what he does is HIS and not Kim's business and choice.) However, because of that, I haven't written to him. Also, because of that, I didn't go to his "going in the Marines" party. I figured I wouldn't be missed and I knew I was welcome to stay home, anyway, so I did.
Now, a bit of background, in-the-meantime-type information...I moved to Pa. in April, 2002. My Dad did not once come here, having been asked to 2000 times, until I had been here over a year. In addition, since then, I have emailed him twice, with "ACK! What the hell do ya do now?" situations involving Eric Jr., which I've recounted here. The first one was when he shaved his head. I'm STILL waiting for ANY answer AT ALL from Dad about that. Let alone whatever the second one was. Nothing. De nada. BUT-ah, the inevitable 'but'-the couple of times I talked to him after Norman went to bootcamp and before Eric Jr. lost his mind as well as his hair, Dad has asked me "Write to Norman yet?" "DAMN. I keep forgetting about that. Geez, Dad, I never got to see him anyway, so for me, nothing's changed. I keep fuckin' forgetting he's in there..." It may be stupid, but, I swear, it's the truth. I DO keep forgetting.
Well, it's slowly dawned on me (no pun intended) that Dad must be pissed at me for not writing to Norman. Could that be why I've gotten no response, not even an email? He and Kim, together and seperately, can run all over the continental U.S. for any reason at all. But, he can't come here. The one time he finally did, he said he'd come back. We'd go do karaoke. He'd bring Kim. (I was so fuckin' happy he finally came here, he could've said he was coming back with Eric's ex and I'd have said "Great.") Ummm....I don't see him. I haven't seen him recently, either. Sooo.
After allowing me to be excluded from his family for (say it with me...22 years...very good), not staying Dad/daughter, not coming to even see where I live for over a year, not calling, not responding to email...he's gonna get pissed at me like this for not writing to Norman? Jesus H. Baldheaded Christ. If bootcamp is anything like "Full Metal Jacket", I'm sure Norman didn't miss letters from me. And, Dad and Kim will be or already have gone to Norman's graduation IN SOUTH CAROLINA. Which, the last time I saw a map, is further away from where they live than I am. I know...graduating from the Marines is important. So important, in fact, I didn't even get asked if I'd want to go. Yawn...no surprise there.
Now, IF Dad is mad me for not writing to Norman, to the extent that he can't even answer an email, I must have some kinda problem here. With myself and the way I see people, that is. I know I did for a while when it came to Eric Sr. (And Jr. Who am I trying to kid?) I fully realize, too, that my Dad is not the most observant person on the planet. When I lived in Jersey, and would pass him on the road, I'd be hangin' out the frickin' window, waving both arms and he'd just drive on by, never seeing a thing. Duh. He runs over things a lot, too. He swears he does not, but, yes, he does. He used to run over a chicken every time we'd go to his parent's house. There was a little farm at the beginning of their dirt road and some poor, stupid chicken would be crossing the road and we could never find out why because Dad would run them over.
Anyway....
This has all led me to do some thinking. After all the shit I've been through over the last years (fuck that number), he'd better NOT be pissed at me. So, if he is, then he's...what? Say it, girl... He's....wrong. Eeep. Dad? Wrong?
Yep.
I think.
I don't know for sure. Standing here with my forehead glued to this particular tree, it's rather difficult to see the forrest, ya now? But, if he is pissed and if he is wrong about this, then he could have been wrong in the way he handled the whole thing with me in regard to Kim. Or handled the whole thing with HER in regard to me. Whatever. What a can of worms this leads to. For instance, he always stressed "Job first, personal life, having a boyfriend-all that shit-comes AFTER the job." I never did get that. And, look at us now. He's worked for Uncle Dupy (DuPont) my entire life. He retired from there when Dow-Merck bought it and started working for them He lives in a house that looks like it belongs on Coloumbo-one of the huge places he always was, cracking boiled eggs and asking "Just one more question, Ma'am." Yet, his relationship with his firstborn is nearly non-existant. I, on the other hand, am as broke as hell (I find it amusing to say that I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. I find it amusing to SAY this, not BE it, by the way) yet, I have the best relationship I ever even seen, let alone been a part of, with Eric.
So, who's right, here?
Even if he's not pissed, even if this is just typical Norman-not-paying-attention-stuff, at what point, or better yet-how- do I get to get past this?
I'm sick of going through this shit every few months. It'll build up and build up, til I can't take it anymore and I call Dad and vent and we talk and it all stays the same. Except when it gets worse and I start feeling like if I don't matter to my own Dad, who could I matter to? and shit like that. Or now, went it's weighin' on me AGAIN and this time, I don't even wanna call Dad 'cause he's just gonna frickin' ask me if I wrote to Norman yet, AGAIN. Gawd.
I'm also sick to DEATH of knowing what the problem is (half the solution MY ASS) and never knowing what to do ABOUT or WITH it. (That last remark in parenthesis-People are always sayin' "Knowing there is a problem is half the battle." Horseshit. I know there's a problem and most of what it is. What I do NOT know is what to do with or about it...damn it.)
So......do any of you? I'd love to hear ANYTHING you think about this. Even if ya think I'm just nuts. (Yeah...now tell me something I DON'T know. Like why.)
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