Whatever it is you're doing, Terry, whomever it is you're talking to, don't stop now...

I still can't believe he's gone.
I come in the driveway and that pasture looks so big, so empty.
Action looks so lost, out there all alone.

He knows, though...
He hasn't whinnied once.
He knows there's no point.

We took a walk yesterday, he and I.
I explained to him how we people do the "Riderless Horse" walk for people of importance, like JFK.
How we saddle the horse and put the boots in the stirrups backwards and lead the horse on a parade route.
Honoring the dead...

Well, we did that, too, after a fashion.
Only thing was, it was Action escorting me, the Horseless Rider, on one last "ride" on the trails for Storm.
I think he understood.
I don't think he minded getting soaked with my tears....

We did what we had to do and we did it well.

After we got back, I went to the local tack shop to get some fly spray for the boy. I, of course, looked like hell and the clerk/lady asked me what was wrong and when I stuttered out what had happened, I finished up by saying, "So, if you know of anybody looking for a home, a forever home, for a horse, let me know..." and a lady across the counter said, "I do!! I know someone!!", so I gave her my cell number.

I came on home, stopped at the gas station and got a paper.

Sprayed Action and looked in the paper. There's an ad. Two Appaloosas and a pony "for sale". Hmmm...

I called. They're less than about 5 miles from here, live on the same road I do, in fact, just across 611, down the other way. The guy, Joe (who sounds like Father Guido Sarducci from SNL) told me where they are and said to go check 'em out, so I did.

They're the horses from "Black Beauty", I swear.

There's a big black gelding. I think he's maybe supposed to be the second App, but, I don't see it... lol. To me, he's just black, with white socks and a blaze. There is an App, a mare. She's just beautiful. Fat little thing. Then, there's Merrylegs, or "the pony", which Eric and I both looked at and thought "Tiger" when we saw him, as in "Get him too, for the boy..."

We're going back tomorrow at 10, to talk to Joe. From what he's said already, I know he's not gonna want top dollar for these guys. He said he's tired of messing with them. One is his, one is his brothers and he has no idea, nor does he care, what they're worth, he just wants 'em outta there already. He's older, I can hear that, and I know he works for or is affiliated somehow with an Italian restaurant in Ambler, so this isn't gonna be about money for this guy. Thank God.

Eric and I both have the feeling he's gonna say, "Just take them, but ya hafta take all of them", which is just fine by us. We just had three horses anyway and what's a pony? No problem at all, is what a pony would be. (God, they are soooo cute, so small... I'd forgotten.)

And, if this is all crap, if this guy decides he wants a half a mil for these guys, it'll sting, but it'll also be okay, because the lady from the tack shop did indeed give my number to the girl she knows and that girl just called me and if her horse isn't what we're looking for, there are FOUR OTHERS at the barn they're looking to give away, SO.... one way or another, there will be another horse here soon.

I almost feel guilty, like I'm trying to "replace" Storm, but, really, I'm not. There'll never be another Storm, I already know that, but I also know he'd not want me to give up horses, retire my saddle and never have one again.
After what he helped me realize last week about my cats, I feel like I know exactly what he'd want me to do... which would be keep living, love another horse (or three) and not let his death be just the huge loss that it is, but an opportunity for another horse to be taken in and loved. I also know I'll see him again and that he's with my cats and Stu (the rat) and they're all fine, waiting for me.
So, "keep on keepin' on", that's what we're gonna do.

Besides, I don't think we've reached all the young girls yet that Gia Carangi would have wanted, so I'm sure we're not done yet.

Rob even said if this one guy wants a half a ton of money for these three horses to let him know, he knows people and this can be done.

So... all I hafta do is get through this day.
I have the Tylenol w/codeine, weed and sleep to escape into, if I need to, which, so far, I don't.

I also have a deprived parrot clinging to the front of my shirt, watching me type. Poor little shit, ain't been out of his cage for days. He attacks everybody who isn't me, so I didn't dare let him out while Rod and Ray were here.... lol. That'd been fun....

In other news, my period went away... YAY!!! and I'm not in any trouble at all for calling off work yesterday.

Not only am I not in trouble, they're giving me a shift hostessing on Sunday to make up for the day/time/money I lost Thursday.
I also got hugs from all directions when I went there last night to talk to "da bosses". Even got one from "Sweetie", our owner who took the old hostess' place.

I think I love that place and the people who run it.

And, if you two, Dad and Paul, were thinking pod-people got me when I didn't kill anybody for (accidentally) trapping my cats before, y'alled be shittin' yerselves at me, now.

There was a time, not long ago, when the death of a cat could have sent me into a major tailspin, making me feel like everything was going to hell, I'm gonna lose it all again, aren't I?, and like dying. (Yeah, I take shit a little too hard, sometimes...), let alone losing STORM, but... I don't know how, but that's not happening to me.

I was ready for it to. I was expecting it to.
But, it's not.
I almost feel guilty about that, too...
But, inside, in my heart, it hurts, sure, but I'm okay, too.

I know it's not "the end", it's not God quitting on me, it's just a shitty thing that happened to a really good horse and I'm still thanking God it was me and mine and not Eric. I'd feel even worse if it hadda been....

And, one thing I've noticed, even in this depth of grief, is that Storm was important to a LOT of people. Not only am I not the only one in tears around here and at work, but I don't even know anymore how many times so far I've said, "Hey, whomever, when you see "pick a name", ya might wanna let him/her know about Storm, but... be gentle, they're gonna lose it..."

There've been a handful of people who I know are gonna be destroyed by this, besides me and Eric, that is.
I'm glad I don't hafta be the one to tell them, but I also know I need to be ready for the first time they see me after they've been told.
Now, that's gonna be fun, huh?

Hopefully, I can take these kids by the hand and walk 'em out to the pasture to see the new one(s) by then.
That'd be the best thing. For them and me.

He was one hell of a horse, Storm was.
He even died the best way he could.

There are so many ways it coulda been worse, ya know?

And, as badly as this is breaking my heart, I know it's just one of the ramifications of being a "forever" home for these wonderful creatures and I don't intend to stop.
Ya gotta take the "not so hot" with the gifts of a lifetime, right?
Right.

I'm strong. I've got balls in there somewhere.
They'll be back and so will I.
I'm already ready to start again, in Storm's memory and for Gia, like we always intended.

But, damn y'all... it does hurt.
But, it's also okay.
As long as it's for a reason.
Which I think this all has been.

Right or wrong, I have to believe that right now.

It's just too serendipitous that we "lose" two horses in less than about a month, then there are two horses (plus a pony) right down the road who need a home, not to mention all those Thoroughbreds at that other place.

God never slams a door shut in your face, but that He doesn't slide open a window somewhere. And, this thing may only be open a few inches, but I'm gonna slide, wiggle and worm my way through it.

Just watch me.
*sad, but first (real) smile since...*

And, thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers for Storm.

You guys are just the best and I honestly don't know what I'd do without ya's.

I still know how blessed I am and that you guys are many of those blessings, so thank you all for just everything.

I may be down, but I know I'm not out and I also know why... love.
That's why.
God's, Eric's, yours... all the love.
I feel it, I know it and I'm humbly grateful for it.

I couldn't give up now, even if I wanted to, which I don't.
I'd be taking, letting and dragging down too many others with me, if I allowed that to happen, so... I won't.
You guys won't.
We won't.

And, for that, I thank you and I love you guys.

Peace
(and yeah, I will be back...)

Posted by: Stevie at 06:03 PM

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Posted by: Terry Reynolds at June 10, 2005 10:34 PM (OPRCz)

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