Man, I want to but...

I just don't have the...whatever to. Dad said I oughta blog about how I feel but, for as simply as it could be stated (I want to be dead now...I've had enough), the REASONS are sooo complex and tangled and deep that I just can't. I will say that it is no one persons fault. It's not that I want to get away from anyBODY...now, 'anything' might just be a different story...but it ends the same, so who cares?
The reasons have to do with my mother fucking my boyfriends, my boyfriends tossing me aside for her, losing my Dad to Kim so completely and the 20 years of not feeling like I belong anywhere or TO anyone, the fact that I don't have a job, or my license to get a job and we have NO MONEY for anything and most of all...the fact that I am me. I fuckin hate that. Hate it.
Eric wants a Christmas tree. I could do without one. He found some chick online here who "still believes in Santa Claus...mushy huh?" "No...not at all. It's just something that lives in your heart..." Yeah...that I don't have. It doesn't live in me anymore. It was murdered years ago. Along with any self-esteem, hope, joy of just being alive (a chore-at best) or anyway to see things except realistically. Which sucks.
The only reason I've calmed down on the idea of just going somewhere and dying is that my brother, Norman, just lost his best friend in the world last week to a freak shooting incident. I'd hate to think that the reason this kid hadda die when he did was to keep me from doing it now, but...it worked. For now.
Hell, I doubt I really even want to be dead dead...I'm just sick of feeling nothing but pain and fear and...always just waiting for the next 'thing' to happen.
The few good memories I do have only serve to remind me in depth how much I don't have anymore and can never have again. Like my Grandparents house on Christmas and a FAMILY there, too. Having to look at a Christmas tree with nothing under it and nothing to even be put under it...just too much. I know that that isn't really what Christmas is all about, but jeez. I couldn't do that even if I wanted to. No choices here.
I'll never have anything like my parents had it when I was growing up. No real Christmases, no family-even if it was kinda fucked up-no traditions, no...no nothing. Just a huge cat toy that blinks and sheds needles.
I went to get Eric's Copenhagen last week and they were giving away free little brass spittons, so I got him one. I wound up crying over it because I was sooo happy to be able to get him anything at all, even if it was free. At least it has "Smokeless tobacco' engraved on it.
They gave me two other ones, too. So, I guess I got him three gifts. Three free spitoons.
At least it was something, right?

My head hurts. My heart hurts worse. It has forever. I see no reason to believe it won't for the rest of my forever and I can't help but want to shorten it up some. I'm exhausted in a way no amount of sleep will ever help. There is no pill to make it stop hurting, either. Even if the core problem is some kinda chemical imbalance in my brain, how is fixing that gonna fix the rest of what my life has been, which is a shitbrick? All these years of 'one-thing-on-top-of-another' shit, with no room to even breathe in between has made more of who I am, and who I'm NOT, today than any chemical imbalance could've ever done by itself. All those people throughout my life who chose me as their target, all those people who tossed the word-not the deed, just the WORD-love at me, all the times I took the wrong fork in the road, all the 'one more tries' have all but killed me. Well, they actually did...just not in the one way that counts. Figures.

All I really want is to be allowed to either LIVE, not just exist, or to die. I can't take any more of being in 'limbo', which we all know is the euphemism for 'purgatory', which is supposed to be someplace between heaven and hell.

I'm here to tell you that it is exactly that. I know. I live there. And, I'm too beat down to be able to move out of there. Besides, I really have no place to go to anyway.
I just want a home (even if it's a cardboard box as long as it's a real HOME), not to wind up in one...especially not the one with the rubber walls.

One question: Besides for the sheer fun of the torture aspect of it all, why does God take a kid like my brothers friend...so young, fulla plans, was gonna be a cop, etc. ...or a John Lennon, neither of whom wanted to die and both of whom were such much better people than me...talented, loved, useful and 'worth it' and he makes me stay when I wanna go?
(I won't even mention my (dead) goat...) I'm sorry this doesn't make more sense. For whatever it's worth, it makes no sense to me, either.
Peace

Posted by: Stevie at 04:57 PM

Comments

1 Omg. I could have written this post. You have summed up EXACTLY how I have been feeling for years.

I feel your pain, Stevie. Please e-mail me if you want to talk further about this. I'm here for you.

*hugs you*

Posted by: Jane at December 15, 2003 06:22 PM (y85ha)

2 Don't think for a minute you aren't talented, loved and worth it, damn you! (And useful too, whatever that might mean.) You've made me fall out of my chair laughing. You've made me weep. And the same goes for a lot of people - you've had more than six thousand visitors here, and there's gotta be a reason for that.

When it hurts, when you need to talk to someone, we're here. We can't always make it better, but we're here.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at December 16, 2003 12:09 AM (kOqZ6)

3 What Pixy said. You're worth two John Lennons in my book!
As for who dies when? We all go, and whether you want to believe it's God's master plan or the chaos theory, we have little to no control over it. Control being the key word...

I hope you realize your worth, not only to yourself, but to others. Even if there were no net, no anyone else and you were living in a cave in the wilderness you would still be YOU, a worthwhile, funny, loving person with a heart as big as Texas and a wit to match. Nobody can change that.

Posted by: pam at December 16, 2003 09:07 AM (VTBBF)

4 Never forget that you've got lots of friends right here. People who love you and care what happens to you.

Posted by: Ted at December 16, 2003 10:26 AM (blNMI)

5 Ok, first of all, I second what Jane, Pixy, Pam, and Ted said. Second - you made me wanna hop in my car and come speeding down to see you RIGHT THIS FUCKING INSTANT so that I could hug you and hold you and help dig you outta this rut. I would never try to compare my pain to yours, but I too have been in a similar state of mind (many, many times). I can't give you guarantees about things getting better because I'm not the Master Planner and I don't know what's in store for you. But I can offer this - the holidays are absolutely the WORST time of the year for many of us, myself included. They seem to shed a glaring spotlight on everything in our lives and make it seem 10x worse than usual. So PLEASE HANG IN THERE. I am here, and I am ready to listen anytime you need me. I'm your 'lil sister', after all! I need you to stick around. I love you. And one of these days, I'm going to make a pilgrimage to meet you in person - I'm on a mission, girl, and it WILL happen, so you best fucken BE AROUND for me to meet, got-dammit! HUGS, HUGS, and MORE DAMN HUGS!!!!!!!!

Posted by: AmyVegas at December 16, 2003 12:14 PM (lBFdX)

6 Well...
While Dad and Norman were still here, I was showing Norm the blog and we clicked on these comments so I could show him how to leave one himself.

All three of us...me, my brother and my Dad had tears in our eyes (streaming down my face, in my case) as we read all these togther.

You guys not only got through to me and touched me and....helped me, you all let Dad and Norm know that they aren't alone with me with this, either.

So, thank you, all of you: Jane, Pixy, Pam, Ted and Amy...you are all angels. Gotta be. You did us all sooo much good.

I will be emailing each of you this very evening.

I love you guys.

Posted by: Stevie at December 16, 2003 09:53 PM (gYkCK)






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