Bret...

My God.
Mind you, it's been 6 hours since I watched "Wrestling with Shadows" and even went to sleep for a while (my butt's still draggin' from yesterday...), got up, read some more "Lives of John Lennon" and as soon as I put the book down...Bret's back. Right in the front of my mind, all gorgeous and much maligned. Even by Eric, the Wrestling Fan. Punk.
He came in while it was on and I was noticing shit I musta missed the first ten times. Like how absolutely cute Bret's nose is. Somehow, even his nostrils are sexy. And, I love those lines around his mouth. And his smile. And his hair?...don't even get me started on his hair. Lord would I love to wrap my hands in it...man...
(Several seconds later)...Anyway, I was talking about this and somehow Eric got it around to these guys and shaving. I swear to God, I have not noticed this yet, but he swears they all shave their armpits, which is bad enough, but then he goes on to say that they shave their legs too. Meaning, of course, Bret in particular. To which I am stunned to hear myself reply "Well, why would he? Bret wears tighhhhh...." I stop and look at him sitting there, listening so intently, just waiting for me to say it so he can have his revenge for the 'dog toenail' thing. So, I try for 'scientific sounding'. "Yes...he wears tights as part of the props in wrestlings fake little world..."
Eric just keeps looking at me with that one eyebrow raised..."Really?"
"Yes, damn it. Besides, why would he anyway? What's wrong with leg hair, fer Pete's sake?"
Which lead to a discussion of men and hair.
I just don't get it. I love hair on guys. Long hair, beards, moustaches, chest hair, arm hair, leg hair, crotch hair...what in the hell is wrong with any of that? It's amazing stuff. It's soft and fuzzy and warm and excellent to play in. It feels good on yer face or anywhere else it hapens to end up. Men usually have ZERO split ends. I wish I knew how they did that...But, I just love hair.
Please don't confuse what I'm talking about with Sasquatches. I don't need backs and hineys all hairy and even Robin Williams hands are pushin' pretty hard on the hair limit. Any more hair on his hands, they'd look like paws. But, he's good the way he is.
Why, guys, do you do this to yerselves? And...shaving the hair off around....the...hmmm...the family jewels is just gross. That is so nasty looking. You look like large little boys. As in, I'll betcha Mikey would loooove that look..know what I'm sayin'? Stop it. Never do that again. Please.
While your at it, you could also cease mowing down chest and arm hair, too. Do not even think about your legs. Unless, of course, you're the feature performer tonight at "The Birdcage", okay?
Body builders do this shit alla time. I understand that even less. You kill yerself to create this stunning work of art, then you deface it by shaving off all the hair. What is that about? Are y'all not getting it, here? The very idea of a hairy, well muscled chest is...is...awesome. And hairy, well muscled legs? Oh, God, give me strength.
Ya know, I'll never forget the first time I saw the video for "Hotel California". My most vivid memory of that, besides the song itself, is the absolutely gorgeous hair they all had. The "Three Dog Night" guy, too. That lead singer with the long, brown hair? Gorgeous.
I even like...and this is gonna brand me forever with y'all, but I'll even take a mullet over what the military does to guys. That's something I noticed back in high school. The (expletives deleted) recruiters always seemed to get the guys with the best hair. They'd go off gorgeous and come back bald. Oh, what I'da liked to have done to a recruiter back then. Hell, I'd still like to just smack one for all that lost gorgeous hair. Siiigh.

Anyway...I just don't get it. Men are supposed to be...men. Not shaved up poodle-people. I don't like that either, by the way. I watch dog shows on TV just to laugh at those poor fuckin' poodles that get carved up like bushes, into unnatural and horrifying shapes. That looks soooo retarded. And, Himalayan cats shaved to look like lions? Oh, if those cats could only wield a set of clippers...their owners would all look like those two ijits in that 'truce' commercial. (Shaved off eyebrow and strip down the top of the other guys head? You've seen it...)
It's just not right. None of it. Cats should look like cats, poodles should look like recently tumble-dried balls of fluff and men should be hairy, damn it. That's all I'm sayin'. I'm not sure if I'm old-fashioned, anti-feminist or what, but...I did not hate that recent essay on the pussification of men.
I don't like what gets done to men, either. I do not want a world fulla Phil Donahues. Gawd, what a disgusting idea. Alan Alda as Hawkeye is pushing it with the 'sensitive male' thing, but there's enough balls left on him that it works. But barely.
Gim'me John Wayne. I bet he never shaved a damn thing. I can't picture Billy Jack or Buford Pusser with a can of Nair, either.
Prince Charles might shave. Wuss. I'll betcha some of my beloved "Fab Five" guys shave things, but that's fine. Hell, I'd expect them to do it, probably because of the movie "Birdcage", which I just love. But, for the most part, men shaving off hair is just...a waste of my time. I guess I don't mind lookin' at guys who happen to shave, but given a choice, I'll take the Teddy Bear, thanks.

Posted by: Stevie at 04:48 PM

Comments

Posted by: Velociman at November 28, 2003 07:24 PM (iT+bD)

Posted by: Stevie at November 28, 2003 07:27 PM (mMqUa)

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