Well, goddamn....
And, that goes both ways, too.
There's been a coupla good "goddamns" and a coupla bad ones, hence the title.
Then came, "Oooh, hotdamn, Pat's got his YIM working!" Immediately followed by, "Goddamn. Now he's gotta go to work. That was fast.."
Then, I had two "goddamns" whilst I was typing to him. The first one was the one that pissed me off the most. THAT FUCKIN' CAPS KEY AGAIN.
Fucker.
This time, I pried it right offa the fuckin' keyboard.
Bet I don't "accidentally" hit it anymore. Unless, of course, I beat it into the consistancy of powder, sittin' here next to my coffee cup on the desk.... piece of shit. The other "goddamn" came when Pat told me again, and it registered, that my brother is going to Alaska with the Marines. And, I FINALLY got Norman's YIM name and added him, only to see that he's already gone.
Glad Pat got to talk to him, at least, but, I feel compelled to shriek two things at once here.... "FUCK!", cause I missed him and an even bigger FUCK!!!!!, because this is exactly what the hell I'm talking about, when I go on about not being a part of anybody's FAMILY, damn it. Nobody ever tells me a fuckin' thing. Didn't get told when Dad went into the hospital for fuckin' QUADRUPLE BYPASS SURGERY, so why in the name of CHRIST ON A FUCKIN' STICK, would I expect to be told anything about Norm the 3rd?
'Cause my Dad keeps trying to convince me that I am part of the family and that I do matter and all, then I come up on shit like this and see the truth.
Fine.
Whatever. Hell, I even called Dad's HOUSE. Twice. No answer.
Think anybody'd give a flying fuck if I just died? Well, okay, some people would, but do ya think DAD would notice? I don't. He wouldn't be allowed to. Yo, Pat... remember when I said you'd best not let Kim find out yer talking to me? This is what I mean. THIS is how shut out I am. She will kill you if she thinks you've gotten ahold of me.
Just watch. I am a non-person. Persona non grata. Goddamn.
(See? Goddamns're just pepperin' my day...) The shit Pat will be force fed when Kim finds out he's talking to me is exactly the shit I didn't want Dad to have to deal with on my behalf.
I ain't as worried about Pat.
He's not married to the... female. (And, all that that word implies...) Pat's got the balls and is allowed to use 'em... (like to see somebody try to stop him, actually) to do whatever in the hell he wants, thank God, including being "around" me. He'll tell her to piss off if she goes too far. There's only so much she can do to hurt him. There's only so much she can do to exert her influence on him.
She's not married to him, so she can't threaten to leave, cut off sex, belittle him for liking me or make his life a living hell, or whatever it was she did to Dad to make it impossible for HIM to include me in his life.
She can't do that to Pat.
She did it to both Norman's, though, didn't she? I don't even get to say "Hi", "Bye" or anything else to my brother. "My" hell... HER SON is who HE is. Won't be allowed to be my brother til she's dead.
(And, evil never dies, does it?) Yeah, thanks a fuckin' PANTLOAD, Vivian, for having me. Glad I was asked about this shit.
Hope yer in HELL mom.... I am. Man, I hate how much this bullshit fucks me up.
One way or the other, it IS gonna stop.
Here and now.
(Where's my axe handle?) I musta been Atilla the Hun in a previous life, if this is what I deserve from my "family"...
Either that, or I suck really, really bad now.
(And, for the record, I think it's that I suck now, according to Kim...) I've gotta wonder, does she get some kinda glee from doing this to me or is it so ingrained she doesn't even think of it anymore?
I, myself, think she gets off on it. Aw, fuck her and this shit. I'm gonna go take my non-existant ass and go clean something.
(Wish it could be HER offa this planet right now... bitch.) Be safe, "brother" of "mine".
Be real nice to have some kinda real relationship with you without interference from HER sometime before I die.
Think that'd be possible?
Me neither... And, Dad? If I'm lucky enough to have you for a Dad again in some other life, can ya do me one favor?
Don't forget about me next time, just because of some stupid woman, okay?
Please?
(Or how's about marrying something besides bitches next time?) Just so's ya know...
My heart hurts so bad right now that my forearms are numb.
And, tears are here without me even being involved in generating them.
They're just here and I'm keepin' on keepin' on. They won't stop, regardless.
Even though I'm TRYING like hell to pretend they ain't happenin'... they are. Make it good this time, Woman, 'cause it's the LAST time yer gonna do this to me. One way or the other I am NOT gonna spend the rest of my life being hurt by you. And, I think it's gonna be "the other" way, as in I just kill that part of my heart off.
It's meaningless anyway, isn't it? Just like me. Right?
Right.
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