The stark differences between a Mama and a mother******...

It's not that I have a "hate" goin' on here against my own mom or anything... no more than usual, anyway... but I couldn't help it when I read Rob's post about some of the things about his Mama that made her who she was...
Just about every thing his Mama did, mine either refused to do or had maybe never heard of, thought of or even considered doing.

Point by point, it goes kinda like this:

My mom did NOT cook. My Dad did all that and washed the dishes. He was, and still is, a great cook. Hell, I'm still trying to get anything I make to come out as good as his does.

If my mom's thumb was ever green, it was from a colored pencil or something. That woman didn't mess around in dirt. My mom made Felix Unger look like Oscar Madison when it came to "cleaning". Psycho.... (My hand to God, she used to accuse me of becoming hungry "just after I've (she'd) cleaned the kitchen" ON PURPOSE, just to mess it up...)

The only thing my mom ever "had" for Thanksgiving was the correct time to show up at HER Mom's house for dinner. No, she didn't cook on special occasions, either. And, when her Mom died, so did the "family"... dinners and all.

In the way that Rob's Mama was a sweet, wonderful woman unless ya pissed her off, my mom was a psychotic bitch every danged day. Where Rob's Mama had the occasional Tazmanian Devil Day, my mom had the occasion "safe to talk to her" day. And, I'll bet my soul that Rob's Mama had more of those Taz days than my mom ever had "good" ones. And, honestly (Dad), when it comes to Kim and me, the same holds true. I can count on one hand and have fingers left over, the number of times Kim has been truly nice to me and meant it. And, I'm not pissed right now... just stating facts.

My mom hated kids, especially me, and I never did see or hear of any kids who just had to be around her, either.

My mom wasn't completely stupid, but she also wasn't the multi-talented woman Rob's Mama was. Or, if she was, I never saw it. My mom didn't make anything, except "people uncomfortable" and my Dad end up in a hospital for half of forever.
Well, she also "made" me madder'n hell and "made" me into the woman-detesting nitwit I am today, but other than that... she didn't make anything good.
(Truth be told, she just "made" me laugh, too... what a wank she was...)
Oh, and she couldn't sing to save her life. Thank God (and I do) that I've got my voice from my Dad. Hell, I'm still waiting to hear us do Waylon together. Dad sounds like him anyway and I can when I want to.... And, yeah, I've always been crazy, too.

I really don't remember my mom smiling a lot either. Stands to reason, I suppose. She was miserable in her head, in her life, just everywhere. Bitching and complaining is what I remember most. (About me, mostly, too...)

Looks-wise, mom was no "hottie", no Ann Margret. Put it this way... Ya wanna make me hate you and piss me off forever, tell me I look like her. I will hurt you. I look like my DAD and if I could grow a beard to look MORE like him, I would.

She did alright with crossword puzzles, but Dad and I do 'em in ink.

I don't recall her playing cards or any games, except with my boyfriends. Dad, however, will kick yer ass playing poker and make ya laugh yer ass off the whole time. He is GOOD.

My mom, as I explained yesterday, embraced DEATH. She allowed herself to go on with the heart attack for EIGHT HOURS before she said anything to anybody. She wanted out and she got out.
Whatever.
I didn't have any heart-to-hearts with her, but she was aware that I was the one who said "GO!" to the doctors and said yes to her being flown to Temple.
Then, she died.

And, yeah, mine's gone from this earth, too, but the shit she did to me lives on... and on and on. Of course, it's got a LOT of help from Kim and the fact that since she's been in Dad's life, I haven't been allowed to be, but I'm still his first kid, his ONLY daughter and nothing will ever change that, no matter how much Kim wishes something would. If she'd only get it through her head that I am NOT my mom, I didn't even LIKE my mom... but, I think it's too late for all that now, anyway. I'll never have back even one day of the 20 plus years she's kept me away from him.

Hell man, I am so much NOT a part of Dad's family anymore that I don't even see me going to Jersey THEN... when this day that Rob is struggling through right now happens to me... you know... losing a parent you love? Yeah, that. I don't think I'll be there for that. I haven't belonged for so long now, what would be the point?

Dad knows I love him and always have and ONLY have loved him. He was my life and that got taken away from me so long ago that I'm gettin' almost used to it by now... except for how much it still hurts and how angry I can still get at Kim for it sometimes.
I've been mourning a kind of death for 20-some years already. I'll be damned if I'll go through the real thing in front of her.

Losing my Dad's Dad, my Pop-pop, was almost more than I can handle, even to this day. If I don't just drop dead myself when I get the call about Dad, it'll only be because of Eric and the only other person I'll care to see, speak to or even look at will be my brother, Norman the 3rd. Him, I'm sure of. I know he loves me as much as I do him... just like Dad. I don't know that about anybody else... except Eric.

Here's an odd little similarity, yet another in the mile long list of similarities between my mom and Kim...
When my Pop-pop died, I was PISSED at my mom (again) for being such an asshole about Dad's parents. She spent every freakin' day of her life going to HER parent's house, but we could NEVER go to Pop-pop's house, because Vivian didn't get along too well with Dad's Mom. Consequently, I missed out on more days than I care to really think about that I coulda been with Pop-pop.

Kim's done the same thing EXACTLY. Except... this was my DAD!!!, and not "just" my Grandpop. Hardly seems possible, but it IS waaaay worse. Or, will be.

Missed out on my Pop-pop because of mom, have missed out on 20-some years of my Dad because of Kim. (Do I even have to mention all the time I've also lost with my brother? Put that at about 99.999% of his time on Earth so far, and you'll be pretty close.)

Now, I didn't beat my mom's ass at Pop-pop's funeral because I was too busy being nearly insane with grief, but I'd MAKE time for Kim if I was there, so, again, I won't be.
I can't be.
I'm already "there" anyway, and have been for years.

This blog and calling my Dad at work are the only two ways I have to talk to him.
You'll notice you've never seen Kim around here.
S'okay. Typical. And, I'm just glad I've got Dad coming here. Even if he was the only one who EVER came here, I'd keep writing.
When it's all ya have... you don't let it go.
Although, sometimes, when something is all you have, it CAN be wrested away from you and kept from you the rest of your life.
This I know.

Nobody tore apart Rob and his Mama's lives intertwinings. And, look at how much this is hurting him still.
How much does it suck that I know it could be ever so much worse? How much harder would this be for him if he'd loved his Mama all those years, yet was kept from her by some stupid shit... ANY stupid shit?
That I don't know yet, but I'm certain to find out.
Thanks, Kim.
*rolls eyes*

So nice to finally know that the reason I got put through hell by my mom was so I'd be able to survive WORSE hell later in my life.
It's alllll clear to me now.
Jeezus.
*giggling right now, believe it or not*

God, sometimes I wanna kick her ass off. Off her body, off the planet... just OFF. Ya know?

Anyway...
Gotta go.
Company just showed up.

Dad, I love you even though I haven't been allowed to do it in person for so long I almost don't remember how anymore.
Never forget that, okay?

Update @9:45am...

I'm having such a time here, trying to quit crying over this shit that I just did call Dad at work again.
Only missed him by about 6 hours... *giggle thru the tears*
Told Bob Scheese (that's what it sounded like he said, anyway) that I'll call 'im again tonight.

Fuck, I miss my Dad so bad...

Lordy.
Rob's Mama really musta been one hell of a woman.
Look at how she's affecting me and I never even got to meet her...

You go, Elva... And, thank you.

Posted by: Stevie at 09:08 AM

Comments

Posted by: patrick murpy at March 13, 2005 04:08 PM (hrfIY)

Posted by: Stevie at March 13, 2005 05:57 PM (fNowE)

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