And a woman shall lead her...
Of all things...I was reading more of Brett Butler just now and read something she wrote about her Dad. I read it several times and each time it made more sense. It answered both questions from my earlier post and also pointed me in the correct direction...or rather, confirmed that I was heading in the correct direction....even if it ain't fun.
She didn't get a chance to really know her Dad. He left when she was young and they had very little contact. After he died, she received all his books and began to realize things about her Dad that she hadn't considered before. "My father was a prisoner, chained in by forfeit and fear." I'll be damned.... Her father 'voluntarily' confined himself to his own mother's home, mostly staying in his room, for 17 years. As long as a locust stays in chrysalis, she points out. Kind of exactly the same thing Eric's been doing for the last two years. (Here.)As opposed to the 14 years he did it before. (There.) And, 14+2=16. Awwww, hell. Oh my God... Larry Gatlin: Her love was like a fortress
Around a man she would have died for
Taking care to take care of all he needed. But, the lady's fortress
Slowly turned into a prison
And, the warning signs he gave
She never heeded. She vowed ever' mornin'
That what God joined together
No one else in the world
Could pull apart Then the walls came tumblin' to the ground
And her world came crashing down around her heart...
It's called "Broken Lady". I've been singing it for more than 20 years. I just realized that I've been living it for two. God. My love for Eric is a goddamn cage.
It really is. I'd make a great bodyguard, I guess, because I've done such a good job of keeping him as safe as humanly possible that I've got him totally....what is the word I'm lookin' for?....fuck it..trapped, is what he is. Trapped. In a fur lined leg-hold trap. Fuck. I only wanted him to be safe, not constrained, damn it. I'm doing the same ugly thing she did.
The motivation, or reasons behind it and however vastly different they may be, do not matter at all. Just like dead is dead, whether you get hit by a bus or gored by a bull...trapped is trapped, whether it's inside a cage or a china cabinet. What in God's own name must be wrong with me for me to be able to see all this and still be so fuckin' scared to let go? I even realize that getting rid of this 'cage' and just letting him do whatever he wants, puts the onus for the consequences squarely on him. If shit goes wrong, it won't be my ass callin' the shots. That could be a good thing...(grinning wryly). I have to do this.
But, I am really scared, too. I'd like to believe that God wouldn't give him to me just to take him away...but I know better than that. God won't even discuss that shit, let alone make any promises, or deals even. Then, there's that other, older, maybe wiser part of me that says "Hey, if that happens, you're gonna be dead yourself shortly thereafter....so, what's your problem?" Yeah, really. Oh, fuckin' A- Here comes pumpkin-headed Garth Brooks and 'The Dance' into my head....Please excuse me while I imitate Niagra got-damn Falls... "I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way that it would go..." ow, damn it.
"Could've missed the pain
But then I'da had to miss the dance..."
Yeah...I get it. I can't really hate it that much either when I realize again that this is what I was wanting to do all along anyway...get him enough of himself back and strong enough within himself to do what needs to be done to save himself, fuck whomever doesn't like it. I do, however, reserve the right to remain scared shitless for as long as I see fit.
Or...
until one of you guys talks me out of it.
Comments
1
Courage isn't the absence of fear, Stevie. it's being afraid and doing it anyway. You will be scared shitless...and that's OK. Not weakness. Unfortunatley, the best things in life are almost never easy. At least not at first. So do what you can....then leave it up to him to do the rest.
Posted by: Light & Dark at November 10, 2003 04:03 AM (Hrm9v)
2
Girl, I know about scared too - cuz I been feelin' the same damn way lately. And ya know what I decided? Scared is okay. Sometimes, scared is just what we need to be. Here's a lil somethin' that made me feel a tiny bit better this weekend. It's from 'A League of Their Own'...Tom Hanks is confronting Geena Davis about quitting the team right before the playoffs. She says "It just got too hard." He replies "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everybody would do it. The hard...is what makes it great."
Most of the time, to me anyway, scared = hard. Maybe we have to fight thru the hard stuff in order to truly appreciate the good stuff.
Most of the time, to me anyway, scared = hard. Maybe we have to fight thru the hard stuff in order to truly appreciate the good stuff.
Posted by: AmyVegas at November 10, 2003 01:04 PM (lBFdX)
3
Scared is OK. It's respectful of the situation, sometimes. Letting him go is going to be really hard, but I'd willing to lay odds it will turn out far better than you fear.
Posted by: Snowball at November 10, 2003 07:38 PM (vBn40)
4
Paul-Thank you...but you know that..;-)
Amy-Thank you, too. That does make sense...:-)
Snowball-Lord, I hope you're right (about how it turns out)...*hugs*
Amy-Thank you, too. That does make sense...:-)
Snowball-Lord, I hope you're right (about how it turns out)...*hugs*
Posted by: Stevie at November 10, 2003 10:22 PM (4l3Gy)
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