The REAL crossfire....with an update again
The crossfire I'm caught in is my own....it's within me. Conflict between what I intellectually know to be right and...what my heart says. (Which is, for the most part, one phrase over and over: Fuck that.)
It's everywhere I look, it seems. Every single shitty thing that is currently invading our life is simultaneously my fault in a huge way and also something I could just as well not even have to deal with in the first place. Maybe that's what people meant when they used to tell me I bring my shit onto my own self. I dunno.
Anyway...I got to thinking about the end of that post, where I said "Don't you DARE ask me why..." And, I asked myself why. It's got a lot to do with not 'being able' to fix this shit for Eric. It has to do with self-preservation. It has to do with me most likely being an un-professionally medicated depressed-type person. It has to do with me getting a break from the shit in my head and in the world itself. No, it doesn't solve a single thing. It just keeps me going one. more. day. til I can figure this all out.
There is also only one way to even begin to fix this shit and that also calls for me to not be able to be with Eric. (fuckthattoo) (what crossfire?) In order for me to 'fix' this, I have to be able to do without him for incredibly long periods of time. I know this. I was put through it before. When he worked for Crane Nuclear Valve. Who wants him to come back. Real bad.
(fuckthat)
When he worked for 'em before, they promised he wouldn't be on the road. Just day trips. Those lying maggot cocksuckers.
Those lying maggot cocksuckers paid him $18.00 an hour. Which is what his support/alimony payment is based on.
(fuckthat)
Ain't ever gonna get 18 of anything outta Bill an hour, except jobs and complaints, maybe. Now, before anybody gets all analytical on my ass about being too dependant on Eric, wantin' to be with him 24/7 not being healthy and all that SHIT- let me clue ya as to why I'm like that.
#1. He is too. So bite me.
#2. My stupid, dead mother.
What's a corpse got to do with it, you may be asking? She died right before she turned 43.
I'm 40. Elvis' mom died when she was 40-something. He died at the same age. What if I do? I do not want the last three years of my life to be spent alone, in the 'lap of luxury compared to this shit' we'd have because of the money, because he's gone all the time working.
Selfish fuck, ain't I?
Yeah. I've recently realized that I am.
This isn't the only thing, either.
Bullriding...I'm fucked about that too. The two things that Eric wants/needs to do the most and there I stand, as in the way as one bitch can get. When it comes to bullriding, I didn't demand he stop, or forbid it or any of that shit. Not my way.
I begged him in tears not to start again. LaneFrostLaneFrostLaneFrost...ya know?
If you don't know who Lane is, watch 8 Seconds. I dare ya. Then tell me I'm wrong. (Which I know somehow I am...) Now there's this Crane shit. It's never really gone away in the first place, no matter how much I wanna try to say in earlier posts that the job 'doesn't exist anymore'. It does. He's gonna go back. I know that, even if he doesn't, yet. I just don't know when. Fuck me runnin', I'm gonna probably be living in Jersey again. (fuckthattoo...)
Then, last night when he was talkin' to the kid, he (the kid) mentioned that a guy he used to be very good friends with for years and actually worked at Crane with for about three weeks before he (Eric) quit is looking for him and that part of what he wants is Crane is on his ass to find Eric because they want him back. Bad. (fuckthat) I already know it's the answer. It's the answer to all the shit. It's the only way we'll ever even have a chance to get married. To be rid of her. To do anything except barely survive on this farm.
God DAMN it!!! This is exactly, to the muthafuckin T, the kind of shit God just loves doin' to me. "Want a chance for you two to ever get anywhere? Okay. Here it is...be away from him. Even IF ya might be dead in three fuckin' years. Take chance..live a little. Not a gambler, are ya? Forgot to install that, did I? Oh well..tough. Deal with it. I've killed damn near every single person you've ever loved except your Dad and I saved him for a special kinda torture for ya and you're scared? Get over it. Bitch. This is my offer. Take it or not. I don't give a good Me damn." Yeah...that's Him. Sigh............ Oh fuckin' well...I'll wind up doing what I have to do, even if I do hate it.
One thing I don't hate, in fact I love it, is taking care of Eric and he just came in for breakfast, so I'm gonna go make him eggs, bacon and cheese on English Muffins.
While I still can...
I'll be back
Sometime.
In the meantime....duck.
Crossfire, don'tcha know... Update aka 'Next Bullet':
Eric just talked to the ever smarmy asshole Chick who says definitely yes, he'll have Eric back there, full time in February.
He also asked almost immediately if he was going to have any problems about traveling.
See?
I fuckin' told ya.
Being right SUCKS.
So does being alone.
Now.
I used to like it.
Before Eric.
It wasn't forced on me.
Before Eric.
It will be now.
By Crane.
Again.
All for stupid fuckin' money.
Wonderful.
Comments
1
First of all, I can't imagine you leaving Eric just to be away from the shit that comes with being with him. It's obvious how completely in love you two are. And think of it this way - at least the problems you two encounter is mostly stuff that is out of your hands. At least it's not problems BETWEEN the two of you, know what I mean? Secondly, I know how you feel about the possibility of not living for much longer due to the death of your own mother at the age she did. My birth mother also died young (47), from ovarian cancer. Yes, there are times I worry it could happen to me. But for the most part, I just remind myself there ain't a whole helluva lot I can do about it, and try to make the best of what I got. Be as happy as you can, when you can. When you get pissed off, blog and blog and let it all out. That's what we're here for! HUGS TO YOU, GIRL!!
Posted by: AmyVegas at October 29, 2003 02:49 PM (lBFdX)
2
OH, and one more thing...IT AIN'T YOUR FAULT. The problems from the BC and all that were not caused by YOU, and YOU should not feel guilty about all the shit that comes with it. Yes, it's your "choice" to stay with Eric and have to deal with all that shit, but come on! Since when is who we are in love with a choice?? Alrighty then! 
More hugs.
More hugs.Posted by: AmyVegas at October 29, 2003 02:52 PM (lBFdX)
3
Thank you, Lil Sister....You're right about the problems being 'not of' us...they aren't shit we make up, right. It's only shit from other sources.
And, thank you again for understanding the part about 'not having to deal with it' and not being able to 'not have to'...(I know that's a weird way of putting it and I also know you'll understand that, too). I just wanted to say it myself so I wouldn't hafta get pissed off at stupid shit all over again...ya Know?
I know I'm a fuckin' goof to be like this over a solution to 90% of the crap, but Eric being gone, away from home...me...there is no amount of money that'd be worth it, for me, anyway.
I'm still not ready, yet, to quit being such a juvenile dork.
Besides, all I've wanted to do is get Eric strong to the point where he does what's best for himself no matter who don't like it and , really, what is this, except evidence that I've succeeded?
(Sigh..I am my own worst enemy sometimes, ya know? lol)
And, thank you again for understanding the part about 'not having to deal with it' and not being able to 'not have to'...(I know that's a weird way of putting it and I also know you'll understand that, too). I just wanted to say it myself so I wouldn't hafta get pissed off at stupid shit all over again...ya Know?
I know I'm a fuckin' goof to be like this over a solution to 90% of the crap, but Eric being gone, away from home...me...there is no amount of money that'd be worth it, for me, anyway.
I'm still not ready, yet, to quit being such a juvenile dork.
Besides, all I've wanted to do is get Eric strong to the point where he does what's best for himself no matter who don't like it and , really, what is this, except evidence that I've succeeded?
(Sigh..I am my own worst enemy sometimes, ya know? lol)
Posted by: Stevie at October 29, 2003 06:40 PM (92+4D)
Processing 0.01, elapsed 0.0058 seconds.
18 queries taking 0.0041 seconds, 11 records returned.
Page size 11 kb.
Powered by Minx 0.8 beta.