Bathrooms...

(Two little things before I start here...first of all, I really wish I'd quit hittin' the enter key instead of the tab key after I type the title. I did it again and now, out there on my page, is the word 'Bathrooms', all alone, no text til I get this done. Just a title...Real cute. I can't help but wonder how many people are gonna pop in, see that and be, like, "Yeah? What about 'em? I got one...do you?" On the other hand, there could be a coupla people who know that's just an odd little clue that there just might be a decent post here soon. *Shrugs* I just wish I'd stop that with the Enter key....
And-Yes, I know I'm supposed to be cleaning the house...And, I will. Soon. I've just gotta get this out and get a bit more coffee in me and then I'll clean...I'll clean. Hell, it ain't really that bad, anyway...which, yes, I know, is beside the point. Shaddap.)
Okay...bathrooms.
I'm not sure who it is that's odder about bathrooms. Me...or the rest of the planet. I have to give ya a bit o'background for the rest of this to make any sense at all, let alone real sense. heh
In my family, being in the bathroom did not necessarily make you exempt from having to talk to people. Face to face. Very open door policy. Didn't matter what anybody was doin' in there...ya need 'em and they're in there...so were you. The way we figured was, if it was an 'extended' visit and someone wanted to brave the possible olfactory damage bad enough to come in there...why, they were welcomed to come on in and set a spell. On the edge of the tub or the sink, mind you. We ain't that fucked up...usually. We'd talk about whatever was going on..life, why-in detail-it was that I couldn't have $50 and the car keys, why asshats in high school are so evil...whatever.
I can remember my Pop-pop showing me, when I was a kid, how not to waste toilet paper. Ya don't wad up 14 yards of it into a ball and have to repeat that 5 times. No. Ya get your 14 yards and fold it neatly-like and ya don't have to keep goin' back for more.
I can remember when I was a skinny-assed little kid, bein' in there with my Aunt Linda and noticing that her butt went from one side of the seat allll the way over to the other side. I remarked: "Hey..that's neat. You don't have to worry about falling in..."
She just gave me one of those "oooh-if-you-weren't-my-neice" looks and said "Shut UP."
Oops.
When I first got with Eric...he thought I was fuckin' fried. He about died when I walked into the bathroom while he was 'reading' and commenced to talkin' to him...probably about Wally or something. (Hell..he's gonna be dyin' when he sees what I'm writing about...let alone when it happened.) He just could not believe I was in there, in no apparent respiratory distress, talkin' away, as if we we in the living room.
He still wants ta die every time we talk about the time I did sit on his lap for a second...(ain't no big deal...dag...He was just being silly, worrying that I'd think he was gross or something, for shitting, when I was the one who was in there...not him...well, he was there, but I didn't actually have to be and ...aww, you know what I mean. So, to prove to him that nothing he does is that damn bad and that he can quit worryin' and just be himself...I sat on his lap facing him for about a minute.)
He freaked...but, it worked. Mostly. He's okay with me being in there now...as long as I don't do that again. I may have 'odd' methods to get a point across, but they work...for the most part. The one thing that can still send him over the edge is...me, again. Our toilet isn't the most efficient flusher ever made, so when I go in there after him and there's any 'evidence' left, all I have to do is say "I see poopy!" and he's losin' it. He comes runnin' back and flushes the toilet about 10 in a row while practically standing on the lid to keep me from looking again. The look on his face...priceless. Thank God he knows I'm just fuckin' with him. Now. Finally.
(He is sooo gonna be lookin to kill me right about now-roflmao)
I do have a point, tho. YES, besides the one on the top of my head....
All of this is leading up to another one of those little ways I get to see he's changed, for the better, since we've been together. (Yeah...that's the ticket...good defense..."I do it for his own good. Not just because it's funny. Nor for 'payback' for what he does to me when I'm in there. Nope. It's for him...remember that, y'all) Okay...
Finally, after two years, it hit me just a little bit ago, how much he's changed...and that what I do to him is just fine, in light of....this...that I was looking at at the time.
See, when I first wake up, I want two things...unless George is here, then it's three. The optional third thing is a long shirt. But, the first two thing never, ever change.
I gotta pee and I want coffee. I don't care in which order, as long as it ain't done backwards. (Peeing in a coffee cup and pouring coffee into the toilet is not out of the range of possibilities until I've been awake for a few hours...)
I usually pee first (it's on the way), then get a cup of coffee and head back to the 'library' to do a little light 'reading'.
This early in my day, as much as I love my animals, I just want to be left alone to come to life slowly. Being jerked into wakefulness by kitten claws in your back or on a bare thigh is just not a good way to start a day, ya know? I also do not need two large dogs and one smaller dog with very sharp claws all vying for attention at the same time. Along with the cats.
What I do, usually is, make the first quick pit stop. Only one or two of the dogs and maybe a random cat makes it in there before I'm done. Stagger out to the kitchen, tripping over the rest of all the furry creatures, put one dog out to pee (that would be Daisy because she's quick about it), pour the coffe, dump in my shit (coffeemate and sweet-n-low) and while that's melting, I feed the kittens and put the next dog out.
Then, I grab my coffee, cigarettes and whatever else I think I may need (can get extensive, too, don'tcha know) and go in there, shut the door firmly, set all my shit down, settle in, find something in there to read (I have the equivalent of a smalltown library in there..) and just...do what I gotta do in peace and quiet.
I read, sip my coffee, smoke my cigarette...and get to hear all the animals become done with my distractions and all eventually show up right outside the door. I see dog paws, cat paws, tails and the occasional little part of a face under the door. I sit there, isolated, alone...at peace...cackling evilly that they can't get me.
Then, inevitably, I hear the front door open and the dogs go racing off to see Eric. I wait, knowing I'm gonna hear him heading my way in about 10 seconds.
Sure enough-thump, thump, thump- he here comes up the hallway. He flings open the door and usually has a "Good Morning" or a kiss on his lips and is all sweet and cute and adorable. He chats for a few, gets my next cuppa coffee and finally wanders off to get breakfast or something, leaving the door wide open and me covered in animals...sigh.
Today was no different...except he was soaked. He comes in, compromises the integrity of my sancutary and is drippin' wet with his cow poopy barn boots on.
So, now, on toppa dogs and cats, he's gotta drag cows into this...
He starts shuckin' off the wet clothes, the boots and such and I'm sitting there, grabbing a towel off the shower curtain rod and flippin' it onto his head so he can dry his hair and get warm and here comes the fuzzy friggin' parade.
All the animals had it made this time. They were like the "Real World' kids when they finally do make it into the control room.
"oh happiness, oh joy! HI MOM!!! Want I should sit on your shoulder?(Kitten)....Pet me....no, pet me.....no, pet ME (all three dogs)...wonder what we can get into?"(the other cats)
There I sit. Cigarette burnt up in the ashtray, coffee cold, book knocked outta my hand, covered in animals.
In the meantime, Mr. Eric has shed the wet, cow poopy clothes and kindly left them on the floor for me so I can have a little ' bovine amroma therapy', deposited little globs of real cow poop all over the floor off his boots and is getting into dry clothes.
Then...he thinks he's gotta 'get back out there'. Nuh-uh, Bud....
Not until I am again alone, with a hot cuppa coffee and we find my BOOK. Okay?
Pretend I'm a National Forest and LEAVE ME LIKE YA FOUND ME. Please.
Thank you.
This is what that 'poor guy who can't even take a shit in peace' did to me again today.
He does this everyday. Except for the being wet part.
Other than that, it pretty much an accepted part of my day.
The booger.

Now...I started this with two little 'asides'. I'mina end it the same way.
Little aside #1. As to the 'extensiveness' of the list of crap I take with me...
I lived in one house where I about lived in the bathroom. It had ya basic tiolet and sink, yes, but it also had a six jet whirlpool tub, a TV, VCR and a stereo receiver, tons of books, tapes...everything except a friggin' coffee pot. If it'd had one of those, I'd still be in there.
Little aside #2-I absolutely, completely, 100% totally despise Porta-potties. Those disgusting fuckin' things should be outlawed. I'd rather pee in an open field (waaaay out in the middle) or the woods than one of those icky damn things.
(Can ya tell we have 'em here for the agri-tainment stuff? I've been in one twice recently. EW!)

Okay...going to clean the house now.
Now, that I've done my head....

I'll be back...
Question is, after this...will you?

hehehehehe

Posted by: Stevie at 04:19 PM

Comments

Posted by: Tuning Spork at October 28, 2003 12:43 AM (rD3Rp)

Posted by: Helen at October 28, 2003 08:44 AM (ADrg6)

3 LMAO...girl, you are SO not alone! I used to have a circle of friends that had no qualms whatsoever about doin' their business with the door open and/or guests in there with them. A b/f I had for years used to come in and do his thing and chat with me while I was taking a bath, doing my hair, whatever. My current b/f just about *DIES* if I so much as pee with the door open, whether he's nearby or not. I tell him he has to get used to it, cuz it just ain't no big deal. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one!! LOL

Posted by: AmyVegas at October 28, 2003 10:27 AM (lBFdX)

4 OMG! That was too funny! LOL!
I had to break my honey in, too. I figure if we are gonna share all THIS, we are gonna share all THAT. My door is always open, even to the dogs.

Posted by: pam at October 28, 2003 02:13 PM (x397c)

Posted by: Mad William Flint at October 28, 2003 10:07 PM (jRssG)

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