'Snow' is a four-lettered word...(with an Update!)
A foul, filthy, disgusting, horrible, depressing, morale murderin mothafucker of a word.
I HATE snow. There was a time in my life when I didn't. I'd see that gray, pregnant lookin' sky and be filled with joy (was I NUTS?!?) at the idea of it all. No school, riding my horse through it, snowballs lobbed at Dad, sledding, ice skating, getting freezing ass cold (YES! I was nuts...) and coming in for some of Dad's hot chocolate. Then...I obtained my drivers license. Thus began my nearly-pathological hatred of the (stupid, cold, slippery, dangerous, retarded) stuff. Oh sure...I was enchanted with the 'warp-speed' effect of driving into snow with the highbeams on. My first few INTENTIONAL doughnuts were fun. I even thought it was funny last year when me, Big Eric, and Eric Jr. all got into my Firebird and went to get a Christmas tree. We stuffed the stupid thing into the car, thru the hatch, trunk first and came home with me driving (shhh!), Big Eric keeping the trunk of the tree offa the shifter and Eric Jr pressed up against one side of the back seat with about 9 branches stuffed into all his left-hand side orifices. What I hate about it is everything else. No traction, steep hills, idiots in other cars, super-idiots in SUV's and the biggest assnuggets of them all-Dickheads with 4-wheel drives who think it makes some kinda difference. They fly all up and down the roads as if having 4-wheel drive magically makes the road surface dry and empty of any other cars. Jerkwads. Nothing warms the snow-hating, frozen cockels of my heart like seeing a 4-wheel drive vehicle in a ditch. Especially when I get to witness "Mr. Andretti" walking up the road about a mile later. HAH! TURD!!! Snow is not fun anymore. It's cold. It's heavy. It's wet. It's hard to walk through. Especially when you're carrying 5-gallon buckets of water to your billygoat who has to stay a 1/4 of a mile away because Bill (the one who peeses me off) thinks he smells bad. (Yo! Bill!? Smelled ya ownself lately? Might just be YOU!!) It's even more fun to do that while struggling and kicking your way through snow drifts that are waist-deep...no lie. Now, add two or more frickin' retarded dogs running around you in circles and ya get into the real fun... Not to even mention the fact that when that shit starts around here it has no earthly idea when to knock it ta FUCK off. It's starts (TODAY?!?!?) in November-at the latest and, for both of the years I've been here, makes me wonder if it's gonna (fuckin') STOP before my birthday. (April 30th) I used to be good friends with this one chick who is NEVER allowed to say that nasty four-lettered word in my presence ever again in this, or any other lifetime. When SHE said that dreaded word, it usually started to within about 15 minutes and kept going for weeks. Til the end of time itself, if she ever does say that word around me again, she dies. Anybody else just gets a beating. Unless you're dumb enough to actually be SMILING about it when you decide to play at suicide by telling me about it. Then, you get a SEVERE, PUBLIC beating. I fuckin' hate snow. It is also my considered opinion that there is something sadly WRONG with people who get panty-puddles and pop woodies over it. They're just....sick. Sad. Twisted....bent. I mean, hell yeah...I'm bent, but those people are more bent than an assload of pretzels. And, yes, I know about the whole laying naked in front of a fire thing, but, Jeez, man, you can do that shit in the summertime. All's ya gotta do is turned up the air-conditioner ALL THE WAY, get naked and plug in the electric fireplace with that little circle of plastic with the flame-pattern on it and have at it. You get the 'chill in the air' effect from the A.C., you're naked, and you get to have the effect of a fire without the work, smoke, soot and occasional hot ember leapin' out onto yer bare ass. Snow also puts a damper on using deerstands for what I am convinced God really made 'em for...(thinkaboutit...) All in all...snow sucks and doesn't ever swallow. Even worse...if snow was a blowjob, all you'd get was blowed on with blasts of artic air, thereby causing crippling, possibly permanant SHRINKAGE, which is why everybody should hate it. Right?NEW!-After a quick search, I found what I wanted to end this 'anti-snow' post with. A song, from Drew Carey, whom, btw, I absolutely ADORE!! He's is so friggin' cute! And, Oh My God, when he dances!!! I'm glued!! I love watching this dude dance. He is totally SEXY!!! Anyway...Mr. Carey's parody (*To be sung to the tune of "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland") (mememememe. No, I'm not calling Mimi...I'm clearing my throat.) "Horns honk, are ya listenin'?
Across three lanes, I'm a spinnin'.
I caused a big fuss
When I sideswiped a bus,
Drivin' in a winter wonderland. By tomorrow they will file a lawsuit.
I'll be hearin' from the lawyer Brown..." Now do ya's believe me?
This, on toppa shrinkage.
Think about it....
And, help me get this crap OUTLAWED!
(Or at least looked down on...)
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