Okay, here's the deal...

I spent some time today and this evening talking to Eric about alla this shit. I also talked to my Dad and even left a message for Paul (whom, by the way, lives in an entirely different country, therefore this can now be termed an "international incident", if you wish {/sarcasm}), just to clear up a coupla my own questions about how all this search result shit works.

Like I said before, I also spent a lot of time thinking. Of the two major issues I'm dealing with, I've come to a coupla conclusions on one.

I've concluded, for one thing, that this shit is ridiculous. There is no way I can completely exorcise Wally from my life, even if I wanted to and rest assured, I'm wanting to more and more every time I talk to him. *rolls eyes* I'm averaging about "once a year" on that score and, frankly, even that limited exposure is changing my perspective... drastically.

Used to be, I looked up to Wal and not just because he's so tall.
Then, by the time Eric and I quit and ran screaming to another state, I was seeing him (Wally) on a pretty much eye-to-eye level, as far as respect went... which wasn't very far, anymore.
Now?

Now, I feel like I'm on a ladder, so to speak.

That said, here's where I am, now, on alla this:

I spent 5 years of my life on that farm. I worked my ass off and it really makes no difference why, all that matters is that I did it. What's even more important than the fact that I busted my ass there, is the fact that I cared about the place. The farm, the cows, the calves, it's future.... I cared about all of that.

That farm gave me something to hang on to, to work toward, to matter to, during one of the worst times of my life. Wally was a part of that. Sooo, sorry. Now, get the fuck over it. Jeezus, people....

It was his farm, his choice to hire me, his choice to keep me and he also made a hard, thankless, endless job a little easier, more gratifiying and gave me one more reason to come back again the next day and do it all over again when I thought I didn't have any reasons left, which was more than once, lem'me tell ya.

He was a nice guy.

I guess he oughta be crucified for that.
And, I guess I oughta be for recognizing it.

There is no way I can live the rest of my life without mentioning Wally now and again. His farm, and by extension, he, was a large part of my life, for quite a while. Also, if not for Wally keeping me coming back day after day and the farm being there at all, I'd not have Eric, would I? (Well, okay. I'd have probably wound up with him sooner or later, but it happened at Wellacrest and that's that... again- Get over it.)

If not for Wally, I wouldn't be where I am today, with whom I'm with, knowing what I know and being as happy as I finally am.

Besides, it's not like I'm saying the kind of baseless, ignorant and UNTRUE shit that used to (and still does, obviously) get said about me.

How fuckin' hard is this to understand, Stupid People Who Live In New Jersey?

Tell me... is that HARDER or EASIER to understand than the point of the "Dwight Yoakam pictures" post?

"What point?", I hear whined from there....

The point, ya dolt, that this has ALWAYS stemmed from a 12 year infatuation I had with Dwight fuckin' Yoakam.
Jeezus, some people are so utterly thick-skulled.... *sigh*

From the very first DAY, I made it clear that, to me, Wally was a real life, walkin'-talkin', in-my-face-every-day version of Dwight Yoakam. I mentioned before that I had a hard time speaking English while looking at him? I wish I'da been kidding. I wasn't. It took the longest time before I could even speak to the guy without blushing, stammering and giggling like an idiot.

Once I got over that, I started getting to know Wally, himself. I still liked him. (Gee... isn't that the very definition of the word 'friend'? A person who knows you and likes you anyway?) He was still a good guy, even if he wasn't really Dwight, ya know?

After a few years of being a persons right arm (Eric was his left one), ya get kinda close to a person. You become... say it with me, now... fffrrrriiieeennndddssss. Maybe not REAL friends, as I'm still discovering, but more friends than the people who look right through ya and just don't get it. Or the people who don't even care enough to bother looking in the first place, which covers just about everybody else who worked for Wal while I was there.

Have I ever mentioned, by the way, that I used to call myself one of "Wally's guys"?
Yeah, I did. Anytime anyone would ask me if I worked for him or on the farm, I'd always say, "Yep. I'm one of Wally's guys..." with a grin. That was honestly my personal basis for working for him, too. I was just another one of the guys... especially as far as workload, except I'd do waaay more and do it better. (I never hit the cowbarn with the tractor, nor all but severed a cows hind leg with a skidsteer like the GUYS did, among other brainless things...)
And, he friggin' knows it, too.

Another conclusion I've come to about this is that I am sick of this shit, now. I mean, fer Christ's sake... I've been doing this for over a year now and nothing bad has ever happened to him from it... til now. And, the bad thing that happened isn't that I said what I have, it's that small-minded, meddling, insecure and bored people found it and have this need to create drama from it.

What other kind of people could or would even want to try to turn admiration for someone into a weapon to use against that person?

That's what is being done. Again.

Let me ask you this... If you were stuck in a situation between a reasonable person you know you can trust to have your best interests at heart and, oh let's say... an immature dipshit who, by the way, is the ONLY ONE making things into any kind of "situation", who are YOU gonna run to to "fix" it for ya?

Yeah. So'd he.

Well, guess what?

Not this time, man. Not again.
All those years I spent at that farm, I spent in near silence about what was being said about me, I was able to do NOTHING about any of it and he wouldn't even try to stop it, so now, the shoe is on the other foot. Now, it's ME who has the voice... who has the opportunity to tell it all and tell it all MY WAY. Just like they all used to do.

Scary thought, huh?

Well... consider this: I have been. I've been telling it all my way since the first time I mentioned his name and I defy you to find one bad thing I've ever said about the guy. Or, one untrue thing.
Take all the time ya want. Search high and low. KILL YOURSELF LOOKING, if ya want. You won't find anything.
That'd be because there ISN'T ANYTHING. Hell, until about 18 hours ago, I hadn't even thought anything bad about the guy.

But, like the Monkees say... "That was then, this is now..."

So far, even though I've been maligned, insulted half to death and denigrated to the nth degree, I am maintaining my Zen-like attitude. This bullshit keeps up or gets any worse and I can't promise that's gonna continue to be the case.

I've about had enough of this shit, okay?

I like Wally (so far). He's a (mostly) good guy. Answering that ad and working on HIS farm was one of the best things I've done in my life and the best part of all of it is Eric, whether or not any of you even BEGIN to realize that. Which begs yet another question...

Whom do you people have less regard for? Wally, by the bullshit you think, say and accuse him of regarding me, or Eric, by the bullshit you think, say and accuse Wally of regarding me? It's so hard to call... you tell me.

Okay... my third and final conclusion for this evening regarding this particular issue is that I am now throughly sick of this subject. I've typed the man's name more goddamned times today than I have the entire rest of the time I've been typing it, for fuck's sake.

I'd like to go on to other subjects now... unless, of course, you mindless asswits in Jersey would like to continue to churn this shit. If you do, don't blame me when it starts to get rank, remember.

Now, about my other issue with this bullshit... It's the whole "liking Wally and seeing so much honor, character and such goodness in him..."
Well, he's got me re-thinking that now.

Love may be blind, but "fed-the-fuck-up" has 20/20 vision.
Believe that.

Last, but certainly not least, I'd like to leave you Jersey jerkoffs with one more thought...

If you don't like what I have to say around here ON MY OWN WEBPAGE, hows about fucking off? Okay? Is that really that hard to figure out, that if ya don't like something, THEN DON'T DO IT.

Don't like Howard Stern? Change the station or just shut the fuckin' radio off.
Don't like reading porn? Then get out from in front of the porn mag rack and shut the fuck up.
Don't like my opinions, thoughts, continued respirations? Then simply fuck off.

After all, I didn't INVITE you asstards here, ya know. I didn't EMAIL YOU ANY LINKS, now did I? Nope. I shure didn't.
Sooo... why don't y'all do just exactly what I used to have to do? Shut up and go live your own pathetic life, okay?
Thankyouverymuch.

Regular readers? Take a peek on the porch....

Sorry 'bout that, but did I not say before that most of the people on that farm were fuckin' fried?
Told ya's.
And... this isn't even a millionth of the shit I got put through while I was working there....
*shaking head*

Posted by: Stevie at 03:05 AM

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Posted by: Margi at October 21, 2004 05:35 AM (MAdsZ)

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