Ow. Goddamn it.

*Sam Elliot pissed off look*

Well, THAT was fun.
It is rare that I don't just loooove any ol' animal I happen across, but, I'm gonna have to make an exception, here.

I hate that stupid fuckin asshole horse, Shorty. Not only does he suck to ride, he is also just plain hardheaded, stupid and HEAVY. Plus, he cribs bad. (Even with a collar, yes.)

After we got "done" the hayrides tonight, Bill had two more loads to go out, which Eric and Jason took. I, after having already survived two double-wagon trips through the "blacker-than-the-bottom-of-a-well" woods without hitting a single thing, decided to come on back here and take care of all the horses all by myself, so Eric wouldn't have to.

I go get all the shit done in the stalls... hay out, oats ready, waters filled and I go to get the horses. Now, due to the fact that this is a DAIRY and not a horse farm, there are things that wouldn't be the way they are, if it wasn't for the cows. And Bill. *rolls eyes* Like, gates are kinda stupid, there's motherfuckin' electric fence every-got-damned-where... shit like that. You just adapt. USUALLY, it's no biggie. However, there ARE times....

Like tonight. I go to get a horse... don't care which one, but just one. Can't take two or all three by myself because of the gates and the degree of difficulty there would be involved in coordinating all three to turn around, then behave, so I could re-latch gates, among other things.

Just so happens, that the first horse up was that moron, Shorty. I had just about gotten over being super-pissed at him for last week and that utter BULLSHIT he decided to pull. (I think I mighta mentioned it, but in case I didn't, there was rearing, there was head throwing, there were bad, BAD manners all around, THEN there was high-speed reverse from one end of the driveway to the other. THAT was on purpose. *grim grin*)

Anyhoo, I had just told that fuckhole this morning (Friday morning- I ain't been to bed yet) that I liked him as an "on the ground" horse, even if he did suck the seeds out of a watermelon as far as riding. Then... this. I hate that horse......

I slip his halter on him and start to lead him toward the aluminum gate that swings INTO the enclosure. (Stupid thing #1)

Now, freeze us there for a sec, whilst I give ya little pertinent background.

First off, there are about 20 goats here, now, for the agri-tainment petting zoo. Consequently, the strand of hot wire around the field where they, and the horses, are has been fixed. (Stupid thing #2.) The reason fixing the fence is "Stupid thing #2", is because of Stupid thing #3, which is the fact that the fuckin' hot wire is strung across the TOP of the rail/box wire fence almost level with my shoulder. Now, when has anybody here ever seen a four and half foot tall goat? If the got-damned wire is there, fixed and ON for the goats, why is it that high on the fence? Can anybody tell me that? While yer at it, would ya mind also explaining to me why it is this fence needs to shock strong enough to stun a buffalo? Jeezus H. Christ.

Okay, so back to me and this braindead fuckin horse, Shorty. I have him near the gate, I've got it unlatched and have started to swing it in, while also trying to keep all the goats behind it, so they don't go running off, one hand holding his halter, the other on the gate. While I'm doing this, Shorty-the-Bleeding-Asshole decides to move forward and touch the goddamned fence with his face.

This causes several things to happen at once. Simultaneously, I hear the "zzzt", see the sparks, feel the charge, utter a gutteral sound like "Uuunnnggghhh", the horse reacts to the initial shock by slinging back away from the fence, front feet off the ground.

One of them came down on my right foot. HARD.

So, the instant I was able to stop making the "Uunngghh" sound, I immediately began to make a whole NOTHER kinda noise. The horse meanwhile, is dancing backwards, scaring the goats.

After several very intense seconds, I was again able to speak English, whereby I informed that bunghole FUCK that I hate him forever and thanks a load for the fact that I really can't decide which hurts worse, my foot or every fucking joint in my body and my right bicep, which was still bunched up from the shock. I then made it clear that I was counting the SECONDS til Sunday at which time his ass will be loaded into a trailer and taken the HELL OUTTA MY LIFE!!!!!

This was, of course, liberally peppered with little things, like "You IDIOT!!", "You hamheaded cana Alpo!!" and other such terms of endearment.

The best part was that the two PEOPLE THIS HAPPENED IN FRONT OF didn't giggle. At least not while I was still there. Gotta give 'em credit for that. If I'd have heard someone telling a horse the shit I was tellin' that one, I'd have been peeing myself laughing, instead of from the 2200 volt shock.

God, I hate that horse.

I hobbled my way through the rest of the whole deal and when Eric finally got back I "told" him about it, then flipped out and started crying for a while. (I say "told", because it was more like "spit, snarled and cursed to him", as opposed to "calmly relating", such as I am here.... *grits teeth*)

Then, we went to Taco Bell.

Then, when we got home, I finally looked at my foot.

The middle toe on my right foot is sorta purple and the underside of it, to the ball of my foot, is all swelled up. I'm sitting here with that part pressed into an ice pack on the floor now.

The good news is my elbows finally quit aching.

Have I mentioned that I hate that horse?

Posted by: Stevie at 02:22 AM

Comments

1 "You hamheaded cana Alpo!!" and other such terms of endearment.

LMAO!! Glad I'm not on your bad side.

Have I mentioned that I hate that horse?

Really!? I don't recall seeing anything about that....

Hope your foot/toe is better. Sounds like the hotwire being at shoulder level thing is an ass-kicking needing to be done.

Posted by: Mad Mikey at October 09, 2004 08:42 AM (Qd8TD)

Posted by: Michele at October 09, 2004 08:57 AM (ak4/L)

3 Well,
There ain't never been a horse bread that I couldn't fall off of. And, I pissed on a hotwire while hunting one day. I think I'd have rather had a horse stomp my foot. Get my meanin'?

Posted by: BryanH at October 09, 2004 01:09 PM (T5uzX)

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