Oh...this is gonna be a lovely God damn day...
I'm awake less than an hour, have about one cuppa coffee in me when Eric shows up. "George called." Yeah? "Yeah. He said Joe called him. I called Joe back and they're supposed to be coming up next weekend with a bag of my shit, again." Fuckshithellpissfuckfuckfuck
Lovely. But, ya know what? Fuck both of these assholes. I hate both of 'em and I merely told Eric that the same rules apply as before. "You and Joe have a blast...but, if either of you two thinks for one fuckin' second that I'm gonna be stuck for even one nanosecond with that cunt whose been dead for at least ten years except nobody told her...you're sadly mistaken." He laughed his ass off. I'm glad he thought that was amusing. I just hope he KNOWS I WAS NOT KIDDING. Words cannot even begin to describe the horror that is this woman. Jesus, even if I overtly liked every woman on the entire planet, I'd hate this one.I'll see if I can find an image somewhere so y'all can get a real idea of what I'm barfing about. Between Halloween and the proliferation of 'Wizzled Up Old Grannies Who Shoulda Been Buried 40 Years Ago' porn sites, I should be able to find something... And....I get to live with this knowledge in my head for an entire week.
(Somebody PLEASE KILL ME. I'll write ya a note for the Prsecutor. I'll tell him I asked ya to. And why. Don't worry. 10 seconds with this bitch, he'll believe the note and let ya go...) Then...I was doing the Dog-Xchange for the morning. This is where you've got three dogs, two large and one medium, who want to go pee. I've spent countless hours honing this into a well-oiled, finely-exectued manuver. Since Daisy got here, it goes: Daisy first. She does her shit, visits April, hangs out for a few minutes and is ready to come back in. Then goes Ziggy. He always pees for about 20 minutes, barks at everything got-damned thing out there, also visits April and usually manages to get their chains tangled, then sits out there booming out these HUGE barks til I get sick of it and go bring him in. Then goes Jessie. She likes to stay out there for hours, so she goes last. As long as it's nice, she's good for a few hours. If it's rainy, she hangs in the carport, but she does wanna come in sooner. Well, not today. As I'm trying to mentally puke the idea of those two assholes coming here, it all went to hell. I got Eric to put Ziggy out first. Those two work well together. All was fine. I go to switch dogs, Daisy for Ziggy, when they went apeshit. Ziggy came in, like he's supposed to. I got ahold of Daisy and just as I went to click the tie-out on, Ziggy the frickin' asshole, decides to come back out the door. I yelled at him and shoved him back and Jessie jumped over all of us and took off running with Daisy by her side. Fuckin' BITCH!!! I yell. I holler their names...They look back over their shoulders at me, laughing their punk dog asses off as they run for the far side of the farm. I. Am. So. Gonna. Kill. Both. Of. Them... I was PISSED. (Still am, a little...) I grab two leashes and head out, cussing out loud as I go. Here's the really fun part. Eric had to show me how to run this one tractor that I've never driven before. I'll be using it later (if I don't just go on and have a goddamn stroke just to end it all) for a pumpkin-pickin' hayride. So, since the tractor was right there, near the driveway, I just threw on some old T-shirt and a pair of sweats. Didn't brush my hair, no makeup or any of that shit. Just T-shirt, sweats and these slip-on shoes. Okay? Got the picture? Not scary, but not good necessarily, either. Good enough for a tractor-shifting lesson tho. NOT good enough for what those fuckin' dogs did to me.... So, there they go at the speed of light across the farm. I get the leashes, my cigarettes (I'm figuring this is gonna take a while) and head off in the direction of the dust trail. Motherfuckers. I go around the last barn and ...there SHE is. Ms. America AGAIN! That stupid chick who is fuckin' the 17 year old and who makes me want to beat her to death when she so much as looks at Eric. Yeah. Her. Fuckin' WONDERFUL. And, whom do you think these two asshole, traitor dogs run to? You got it. She had a dog of her own out there, so my two heathens ran right up to her. Now, I hate both of them, too. Bitches. I got the leashes on and basically drug them back to the house. One of those "I don't give a flying fuck whether you walk or not, you are COMING! MuthaFUCKERS!!!
First ya's fuck up my little system, then you run to HER? Fuck both of ya. I don't need this shit, ya know?"
Jessie started it, so she got her ass smacked and she's still wearing the choke collar and leash. The choke collar is all loose now and I don't usually use them, but fuck her. She can wear it the rest of her stupid life, as far as I'm concerned right now. I'll tell ya one got-damn thing...That's the LAST time Miss Jessie will be going out without a leash. I don't care if she'll only be wearing it for nine seconds. It's better than chasing her stupid, deaf, doesn't even know her fuckin' stupid name ASS all over this farm. And, I explained to Daisy LOUDLY that following that jerk-off's example is a sure way to get her ass kicked by ME.
Oh and Ziggy got an earful, too, for getting in my way. I don't think he's going to get anywhere near the door for a while.
Daisy is camped out under my chair and Jessie is hiding in my bedroom, leash and all. Ziggy retired to the livingroom. I think they all got the point. Hell, loud as I was being, I doubt anybody on this farm is gonna try to go outside without checking with me first. Motherless FUCK. What's next? Oh..I'll bet I know. My period. Has to be. Whether it's time or not...don't matter. The way this day is going, I expect my period to show up when I'm at the exact farthest point from the house during the pumpkin-procuring hay ride. Just watch. Oh, yeah. It'll happen. Some days, I reeeaally want to know why I even had to get outta bed. Especially when the best place in the world to be seems to be UNDER it. Okay...I'm laughing out loud at myself and this whole sordid clusterfuck now and I gotta go pee for a change. I've already promised me that I won't go running off, so I won't be makin' myself wear a leash to the bathroom....settin' an example, dontcha know.
I may go make nice with the stupid &*$#@!(*&!! dogs...I may just make 'em wait til I get done driving tractors. Let 'em worry a while...
Either way, I'm goin' to the 'Library' for a while....and I'm shutting the damn door. If I don't, I'll wind up with every animal in this house in there with me. I usually don't mind that...but right now...no. I'll be back...tho, WHY...I'm still wonderin' about. If I had any brains at all, I'd just stay in the tractor until sometime next month....you know...until AFTER the hag's visit.
Peace....
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