PTSD...

That's gotta be what this is. I'm kinda familiar with this feeling I have right now. In fact, I can even remember the first time I ever felt it.

I was nine. My mom did it to me. Just like she''d been doing it to Dad. She'd been fucking this guy named Calvin. Had him in our house, playing the guitar and singing with Dad, even. I remember that. Calvin was everybody's friend.

Right.

When I was young, my mom used to always tell me to either go outside or into my room, to just get outta her way/face/life, basically. One day, she said my name, first and middle mind you, and I answered her by saying, "Yeah, yeah I know. Either in my room or outside. I'm going outside."

"No. Come here."

Well, this is different.
So's what she said next.

No preamble, no warning just "Your Father and I are gettng a divorce."

So much for my universe, ya know?
Hers, too. She thought she was leaving with Calvin, but he dumped her stupid ass, like she deserved. Wish Dad hadda, too. But, how can you decide to do something like that when you wind up in the University of Pennsylvania Hospital after the darling bitch/bride runs off? Ya can't, really, sooo.... Dad was stuck with her for a while longer.

(WHY must heartburn and chest pain feel so similar? Damn. Shit hurts.)

Anyway, that feeling of unreality, of nausea, of wanting to cry and kill simultaneously, of wanting to find some big, strong, righteous man somewhere to hide not only me, but Eric too, behind... the feeling of numbness in my forearms, as if I've gotten a shot of Novacaine in the underside of each arm, the sharp stabs in the chest, in the upper underside of my left arm...these fuckin' tears that are currently rolling down my face, while I just keep typing and talking to Mikey and Anton, and typing, and Paul and typing and Mad Wm and Bob, who must be a psychologist in Virginia and typing while it hurts....

It's here again.
It's on me, now.
Like an evil spell or something almost more tangible.

Remember when I told you guys about the time that the BC jumped all over me with both feet, more or less, at the farm in Jersey? How I held it together while it was happening, then went to pieces after?

Well, this is kinda the same thing, only it's a slower reaction, taking longer to manifest itself as PTSD-like feelings and I also think it's not as bad as it would have been, had it not been for Mikey and Anton and Paul keeping me at least a little in touch with reality in my comments.

If not for those guys, it would have just been the BC hammering at us all day, making me crazy, scaring people, costing people and I'd have had nothing to hold onto to be able to do anyone here any good... if not for those guys.

They didn't even know it, either. I only barely hinted at it in one email and that was to Mikey, about something else. Mostly all I said even then was that he'd not believe me if I did tell him what she'd been doing. Mostly all I've been doing is being in a "kill it before it gets to hurt you" frame of mind. Ever since I got up today, I've felt like that, but didn't find out why til this afternoon. You know... when hell broke loose.

I rather feel as if I was in a "flash forest fire", if you can grasp the dichotomy and my real meaning. The intensity of a raging forest fire, but only for a little while. In a Bugs Bunny cartoon, you'd hear a "whoomph" and everything would be blackened and smoking, with Daffy, probably, standing there featherless and annoyed.

Same deal.

Except it's real, not a cartoon.

And, everything hasn't been destroyed like in a cartoon, all blackened and smoking, but we sure are toasted tan, now. It could turn into (or end as) a good thing, if it IS ended now, but, much more and someone's gonna be hurt.

Know what else? If it goes that far, no matter who or how many pay, it won't be the one responsible whose hurting. SHE'LL get by with it all. SHE'LL just keep on keeping on til she dies... soon, I hope.

Sometimes, being right sucks. Like this time.
I knew what would happen.
I said what would happen if she was given even an inch.

And... here it is.
And, hopefully, there it went.

It's over for now.
It may be over for good.
But, you're not allowed to count on that, okay?

We just hafta live with it and see.
What fuckin' fun, eh?

I gotta go to the store.
I have only two cigarettes left.

If I don't come back here (on here) tonight, I'll be back and explain this all much better, later.

Take care and
Peace

Posted by: Stevie at 12:20 AM

Comments

Posted by: AmyVegas at August 12, 2004 09:26 AM (iS3EV)

Posted by: Stevie at August 12, 2004 10:04 AM (qp2Ho)

Posted by: RP at August 13, 2004 07:28 AM (X3Lfs)

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