Oh my Gawd, help me Lard...
Y'all ain't gonna b'leve this shit. As if I don't write "redneck" enough, right?
I just re-found the coolest thing over at Bored.Check out the new version of my "Coupla things..." post from the other day. It's in the extended entry. If ya like it, or wanna try it go here.
There's a bunch of different "dialects" to choose from. Have fuuuun!!
Coupla thin's...
*ah knowed it* Fust of all, ah KNEW thet asshole killed her. ah knowed it on over a week ago, check th' archives. "Disappeared while joggin'"... MY ASS! Fry mah hide! Yeah, she was joggin', alright... Joggin' away fum HIM an' his weapon, as enny fool kin plainly see. He killed her, so kin we jest kill him an' be done wif it, now, jest this hyar once, pleeeease? Especially eff'n this hyar chick was pregnant, on account o', then, he not only killed her, he also killed a part of hisse'f, so whuffo' doesn't we jest does him an' th' ress of society a HUGE favo' an' kill th' ress of thet waste of hide, air an' sperm? Thet loser. Next thin'... *Celebrity opinons* (Especially them of a political nature) Whut in tarnation is it about political opinions fum stoopid fuckin' celebrities thet makes otherwise intellyjunt varmints git so... nuts? (Not th' fust wo'd ah thunk of t'dexcribe this hyar phenomenon, but the dawgoned-est p.c....) It nevah ceases t'amaze me thet varmints even LISTEN t'a celebrity, let alone ack like ev'rythin' they say comes out colo'ed red, like Jesus' wo'ds in some Bibles. Mah friggin' GOD, varmints, git a grip, huh? They're fuckin' CELEBRITIES, not political analyists, o' kin'-makers, o' even ennyone particularly impo'tant. See, whut celebrities is celebrities FOR is pretendin'. They git paid (entirely too fuckin' much) t'PRETEND t'be other varmints an' ah highly suspeck thass on account o' they haf no lives, varmintalities o' thunks of their own, as enny fool kin plainly see. They muss be so completely vapid, inert an' berif' of reality thet they kin does nothin' wif their lives 'cept play at bein' someone else. They kin't even speak intellyjuntly wifout a writer an' a scripp an', sometimes, even thass eff'nfy. So, whuffo' is thet when their intire exissence is based on 'un-reality', some varmints jest hafta give their wo'ds, their opinions, so much weight? Opinions is like assholes, is they not? Wal, it's twice as bad when th' opiner is a celebrity, on account o' a large percentage of them is assholes fum th' git-go. (An', eff'n ya doesn't believe thet, jest check out a few "back-stage corntrack clauses" o' take a fine look at how they DEMAND t'be treated, deservin' o' not.) It's still pissin' me off thet Dax is gonna deny hisse'f, fo' th' ress of fo'evah, th' booty an' artistry an' magnificence thet is Lonesome Dove, jest on account o' Billy Bob Duvall says stoopid shit in public. It jest makes me wanna whomp Mr. Duvall acrost th' back of th' haid an' hiss "Shet th' FUCK up" at him, dawgone it. (It also makes me wanna shake Dax til he sees sense, but, he's mo' trimenjus than me an' ah doesn't pow'ful injoy bein' folded, stapled, spindled o' mutilated, so I'll let thet whim pass on by... *sno't*)ah c'd hoof it on fo' nearly fo'evah about how sad it is t'deny yo'seff thin's like movies, moosic an' sech jest on account o' th' varmint who wrought it is an asshole. Hell, I've been doin' thet fo' years an' not wif celebrities. ah see an asshole, ah avoid them, dawgone it.
Consequently, it takes a fuckin' CROWBAR t'git me outta th' house most days these days an' eff'n it wasn't fo' Ebenezer, ah may haf lost it completely t'depresshun this hyar past winter on account o' of thet dumb shit ah was doin'. I've been told mo'e times than ah can remember thet ah pow'ful need t'larn how t'be aroun' assholes, but not be affecked (so much) by them, dawgone it. Don't ya reckon thet'd also wawk fo' th' movies an' moosic an' sech of FAMOUS assholes? Jesus. At least th' famous ones ah can see a ha'fway fine reason t'"adapp" to... Regular ones, not so much. But, eff'n ah need t'larn t'be aroun' Jon th' Liar Guy an' Billy Joe an' Jedidiah an' Jason an' most of th' ress of th' populashun on th' entire goddadburned planet, then how come varmints ah reckon is smarter than me fum day one does sech dopey thin's as throw away Lonesome Dove on over Billy Bob Duvall's lack of sense? Ed Asner as "Lou Grant" has had mo'e impack on mah life than he has as 'Ed Asner- th' retard who reckons thet cop killer is special' evah has o' evah will, ah reckon. Jest on account o' he's bein' a jerkoff about thet Mumia cop killin' dickhaid , is thet supposed t'mean eff'n ah still watch th' "Mary Jane Tyler Moree" show on Nick at Night thet ah agree wif Asner? 'Cause eff'n it does, eff'n ennyone reckons thet... kiss mah ass, ya know? ah cannot STAND Pansy Sareendon on account o' she's an homely hag, let alone thar's probably a bounty on her haid (o''d be eff'n she didn't haf a pussy) on account o' of th' shit she's said, cuss it all t' tarnation. Didn't stop me fum injoyin' th' evah-lovin' HELL outta "Daid Man Walkin'" t'other night. Nevah will, eifer. (One thin' thet does does thet fo' me though, is thet whiney, nasty fuckin', God-fo'saken WHINING along wif th' moosic thet varmint, whom eff'n ah evah find out who they is ah'sina KICK 'EM fo' doin' thet, did throughout th' entire friggin' movie. Fuck ah hate thet shit wo'se than rap, an' ah reeeeally HATE RAP, lem'me tell ya...) WHY? ah wanna knows WHY varmints does this on over meanin'less drivel spouted by varmints who kin't leave th' house wifout a team of 'booty experts' t'fix 'em up so they doesn't scare varmints an' who kinnot haf an intellyjunt cornvahsashun wifout a room fulla writers. Explain this hyar to me, please. Next up is:
*This'd wawk better eff'n* MadLibs is fun, as enny fool kin plainly see. MadLibs is fun when thar is MORE THAN ONE PERSON PARTICIPATING, thet is. ah mean, suuure, ah can set har an' fill these thin's in, an' yessuh, they'll be funny as hell, but they won't be near as much fun, on account o' I'd be doin' them alone, o' makin' Eric does 'em wif me an' fella, y'all oughta see th' look he's givin' th' pooter right now... knows whut ah mean, Verns?
ah need wo'ds. Okay? Gotsta hoof it make gaspetti fo' dinner. ah shall return, as enny fool kin plainly see.
Peace. Updated @ 7:40pm
Fo'got one lil thang, t'be filed unner "TMI"...
IT has arrived, cuss it all t' tarnation. IT bein' th' Intermittent Terro'ist. Yo' know... mah li'l "buddy". Yeah, finally an' fo' real, ah reckon. ah still doesn't knows whut th' hell thet last "appeareence" was about. (So'ry, but this hyar is about th' only way ah have t'keep track of this hyar crap. ah REFUSE t'waste space in mah brain rememberin' it... eech. Also... got a noo list o'wo'ds fum Spawk, so thar'll be a noo MadLib later... Yay Spawk! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!)
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