I don't feel like the same person as yesterday, again...

Thank God.
And Dad, Jane, Paul, Amy, Mad Mikey, Tuning Spork, Peter, Snowball, Wes, Jaydee, Cait and Ted.... and Dan, too, 'cause for some reason, I've felt the equivalent of his hand on my head, just resting lightly on the top to comfort, since this whole thing got started. (If anyone in there has a blog link that I didn't use, let me know and I'll change that in a hurry, okay?)

I woke up yesterday morning in pretty much the same shape I was in when I went to bed... headachy and crying still. I came out here, sat down and didn't see her.

Siiiigh.

Turned to this thing, checked my mail and found my first handhold on the way out of that hell... Amy. While I was answering her, a part of which I'm about to post, Dad left a comment. I called and got to talk to him at work for a while.

I must've been easier to talk to than usual about this shit, because my Dad, at one point said, "Thank God for your blog. That has done you soooo much good..."

"Rob Smith, Dad. It was Rob Smith who gave me this whole... tool. If it weren't for him, I'd never have started doing this..."

And, from this has come more learning, good, love and hope than I could have ever found in a bag of weed or on my own. (So, now the weed is puuuurely recreational...*snerk*) I'm serious, though. Blogging, Rob and all you guys are undoing YEARS of damage much faster than said damage was done. The best part is that I have THIS part in writing. "The palest ink lasts longer than the best memory..." or so I've read. I hope it's the truth, because if it is, I will be a whole person someday with you guys around, probably to the consternation of those who would love to see me stay destroyed, but... screw them.

Now, the part of the email to Amy I wanna post is this:

"It's not that I'm trolling for comments here, but if I
could just see that a few of the regulars, like Mad
William, Mad Mikey, Tuning Spork, D.udderson, et al
don't think I suck because of it... the worst thing I
feel about me *period*... it'd maybe make it easier to
believe inside of me, in that deep dark place, that it
really isn't my fault, like you and Eric said...."

I'm seein' it... oh, Lord am I seein' it... Thank you... *tearin' up again, but in a GOOD way for a change*

So, I got an email, sent an email and talked to Dad. Then, George and Eric talked me into going with them up the road to where "we're" taking down a barn and moving it here, to the farm. Bill is taking the shell of the building and HE, of all people, suggested to Eric that maybe we'd like to dismantle "5 or 6 stalls for your horses". *WOW* He's letting us take over the old parlor for the horses. AFTER he told his son's "girlfriend" (Kim widda ski-bump schnozz) "NO" when she wanted to do that last year. *WOW*

So, we went to the barn. THEY dismantled. I procured... many, many old books. I found 65 (yes, sixty-five!!!) old books in what must've been a bedroom in the barn. The first one that caught my eye was one about O.J. Simpson from back when writing books about him was a good thing. (Let's don't get me started on THAT whole deal. I like the guy, I don't care who says he did what...) Aaaanyway, I saw that and an hour later, there were 62 books in the back of the car and I was sitting cross-legged on the ground reading three others. I was in HEAVEN.

I also met a toad. A toad who was sitting in a plastic cup. He was in his cup inside the room where I found the books. I'll admit, I froze for a second, until my brain could assimilate what my eyes were reporting, but it was... a live toad in a plastic drinking cup. Okaaaay. Cool, even.

Since the barn is to be MOVED, thus "destroyed", I moved HIM. Took him out into the field and hung with him for a few, til he hopped off. Didn't even get peed on.

He seemed happy.

We got home, after making a quick stop for cat food and cigarettes and everybody had an ice cream sandwich or two for dinner. Weird, yes, but nobody was really wantin' anything else and I sure wasn't in a "cooking" frame of mind myself. It's almost like I was perfectly balanced between the cat and the books. Then, I got back on here and Spork gave me a loving little shove offa that fence onto the "good" side with a huge comment... *smile*

Yeah, I had just told Amy that he was one of the ones whose possible reaction to my "sins" had me anxious... and... there he was. Mad Mikey, too, that sweetheart...

I didn't do much on here right then. I wrote back to Spork, answered Mikey and the others in the comments and talked to Jane for a few minutes. Then, I took a handful of books and went to bed. (So far, I've read about 6 of the "Peanuts" books, "The Cricket in Times Square" and "The Mouse and the Motorcycle" and "James at 15". I haven't seen these books since I was a kid! But, I had a LOT of these then and re-reading them now is like being handed back a chunk of my childhoood... the good part. Hell, I even found a Partridge Family paperback... I'll list 'em in the extended entry for anyone who cares to see what they were. There's even one by Vince Lombardi. It sounded inspirational, so I brought it home, too... So weird. God takes my cat one day, then turns around and has me find the original paperback of "Born Free" (among others) the very next day. And, Dad... I even found two of those "Eggbert" books like Mom had when I was a baby... you know, those cartoons of a baby in the womb making silly remarks? Yeah. Two of those, but not THEE one you guys had... I remember that one, too..)

Got up this morning and only cried once, for a minute or two about Snort... that was her name. (She'd had respiratory trouble since birth, plus "Snort" was a Banana Split, so it worked for me...) I stopped that pretty quickly, though. Between the comments that had come (and the ones since) and these books... ahhh. I truely do feel better already. For who that cat was to me, this is nothing short of a miracle, I gotta tell ya.

And, the weirdest things are going on with my other cats... Bret has taken to perching on my shoulder, she fell asleep there a while ago AND she seems to have a death-wish happening. First she ran right into my shin-head first-and almost killed herself (and broke my leg... lol), then she somehow got her arm right where I was about to step and I almost broke her front leg... the dipshit... lol. She was fine. I didn't actually step down, just did a kind of hoppy/save move.

Then, my other cat with the respiratory trouble was sitting on the back of the pooter last night. I looked up at one point and when I saw the tips of ears, I almost stopped breathing for a second... then I stood a little and looked and saw who it was.

So, between her and Bret, I've got my shoulder and the computer covered... with cats again YAY!!!! Then, there's Norman...

I don't know what's up with him, but he will not leave me alone. Not that he's bugging me, but he's just constantly rightthere, meowing at me to be petted. Now, he's always a sweetie, but he's a Tomcat... an outside/inside (outside first, because it's his normal priority...) cat who, while he likes being petted, cannot be seen as being "pussy", as it were, and usually has that "cat attitude" thang going on. He was my first "project cat" on this farm. What that means is he originally came off this farm, not from me. He "found" me one day when he was but a mere bit of fluff. He came staggering into the driveway, crying, eyes glued shut, starved, flea ridden... just an adorable little mess. A baby.

I brought him in, cleaned him up, fed 'im, fed 'im some more and more and now he's HUGE. He's a huge beautiful gray striped TOMCAT. Big ol' boy. He is a shining testament to what a little love can accomplish. It's almost like he's wanting me to focus on the good I've helped do, not the failures.

Then, there's the whole deal with the stalls. We only have two horses, yet Bill's letting us make 5 or 6 stalls. When Eric told me alla this, my first words were, "Does this mean we can get 4 more horses?" with a grin...

Oh, and I called Soprano's again. I called yesterday, too, but I'd missed Benny. So, I talked to him this morning. Bottom line, the kids still there. BUT, he got lectured (by a pissed off Italian guy, mind you) and he got his hours cut, he's only doing deliveries on Monday's now and when I mentioned him ever coming here again, Benny piped right in with, "There'll be no problems with THAT, I promise you." Sooo, we'll see. If there ever is... well, I've got a pretty BIIIIG mouth and I ain't scared a no "paisans" anyway, so we WILL have a problem if he does show back up, especially if he has any mischief in mind.

Then, there's Ted. Yeah, our own Rocket Jones. He, in an email, let yet another of my passing high school fantasies come true... He's asked me to be a cheerleader for his fantasy football team. Like, WOW, ya know? (/Valley Girl accent) Really, it IS cool beyond words and I of course said "Oh, HELL yeah..."

In the meantime, I'm finally feeling like cleaning the house again, which is good, it's "normal" for me and my lil terrorist buddy STILL ain't got here. So, what was with the tracer round last week, I wonder? Damned if I know...

So, I'mina go start cleaning, then, while the guys are deconstructing the barn, I can make dinner and just hang out in the house, reading my childhood again.

Sounds good to me...

Thank you, everybody, for getting me back here so fast. And, yes, I can now think of my goats without the horror show. The cats and dogs, too. THAT is a gift I can't even hope to repay... but if I ever can, if there's ever any way to, you just say the word, any one of you.

And now, the list of gifts I found yesterday....

The Peanuts Books

Happiness is a Warm Puppy
That's Life, Snoopy
Who was that dog I saw you with, Charlie Brown?
Take it easy, Charlie Brown
Here comes Snoopy
What next, Charlie Brown?
The "Snoopy Come Home" movie book
Play it again, Charlie Brown
It's Arbor Day, Charlie Brown
He's your dog, Charlie Brown
Be my Valentine, Charlie Brown
A Charlie Brown Christmas
and
Speak Softly and Carry a Beagle

The Bil Keene books (Family Circus)

I need a Hug
When's 'later', Daddy?
and
QUIET!!! MOMMY'S ASLEEP!!!!

Heathcliff, Garfield and Benji books

Heathcliff Rides Again
Heathcliff Banquet
Heathcliff Wanted
Heathcliff Triple Threat
Garfield sits 'around the house'
Benji-the original story
Benji-Scrapbook of the Benji Phenomenon

The Rest

Born Free
Paddington Takes to TV
The Cay
The Cricket in Times Square
James at 15
The Mouse and the Motorcycle
TV's Fabulous Faces (from the 70's)
They Call Me "Assassin" (hardback) Jack Tatum w/Bill Kushner
The Greatest is Love (A Bible I KNOW I've seen before. It's for kids, I think...)
An English-German, German-English Dictionary
Baseball Stars of 1973
How to Play Better Baseball
A Christmas Carol
English Grammar and Composition
The Great Brain at the Academy
Fools Die (Mario PUZO!!!!)
The Complete, Unabridged SUPER TRIVIA Encyclopedia
Hip Kid's Letters From Camp
Eggbert-Strictly Fresh
Eggbert-Belly Laughs
Ten Super Sundays (about the Superbowl)
The Strongest Man in the World
Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys (from '77, so it's got lotsa nifty pics of Shaun Cassidy, Parker "Long Dong" Stevenson and Pamela Sue Martin in it. And, a hat tip to Kirstie Alley for the TMI! about the Parkster...)
OJ Simpson
The Jetsons
Analyzing Performance Problems (Work-related, not sex)
Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo
Little Lefty
Take a Walk, Beetle Bailey
Animal Farm
The Martain Chronicals
All-Pro Football Stars-1976
Blubber
Love is a Feeling to be Learned (It is? Okay.)
Encyclopedia Brown Shows the Way
Chariots of Fire
Guiness Book of Young Record Breakers (1976)
The Partridge Family (no sub-title) (1970)
Richie Rich Around the World
Those Funny Kids
and
Run To Daylight- Vince Lombardi

Okay... that's 64 of 'em. Apparently, I've got one of 'em somewhere between here and the bedroom.

Ah well, y'all get the idea.

Now, a coupla these I just brought home because, well... they're BOOKS and they were in good shape and I can't bear the thought of them being destroyed any more than I can stuffed animals (let alone real ones), ya know?

I also found an clock shaped like an old car and a wooden toy car that got brought home. And, a handful of wire hangers. I cannot seem to own enough wire hangers. Wonder if that's some kind of "rebellion" having to do with my own Joan Crawford-wanna-be Mommie Dearest? Hmmm... Dunno. Just know I always snag 'em when I see 'em sittin'.

Okay, off to clean and read and make dinner and read and read and read and read.

Kisses on every one of ya's again....

Posted by: Stevie at 05:27 PM

Comments

1 ((((hugs))))

Thanks for the link, sweetie. You really didn't hafta do that. ;-)

I'm so glad you're here, too: a voice of sanity. Especially on days like today, when it seems like the entire planet has head-stuck-in-anal-sphincter syndrome. (More than usual, anyway)

Keep on keepin' on, Stevie. You speak for many.

Posted by: Funkalicious at July 21, 2004 06:53 PM (JjOt1)

2 I swear, Stevie, you wear what is happening to you right there on the outside, for all to see. It's dizzymaking.

Posted by: Peter at July 21, 2004 08:36 PM (PcgQk)

3 Yay...I can see you are back to feeling more like yourself every minute, and that makes me happy!

Also...Blubber! I can't believe you found that among the pile of books. That was one of my absolute favorites when I was young. Awesome.

Posted by: AmyVegas at July 22, 2004 09:39 AM (lBFdX)

4 I think your 'tomcat' (Bret is his name?) is making Snort's absence known to you.

Silly I realize, but the other cats are aware that one of them is missing and they'll be trying to clue you in....plus, I think it's a cats way of comforting you when they sense you're sad.

My cats, on the other hand, just meow at me the second I walk into the house cause they want 'nummies' (9-Lives) instead of the shitty dry food my wife gets for them.

Posted by: Mad Mikey at July 22, 2004 09:39 AM (NmR1a)

5 AAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!

Can Mad Mikey POSSIBLY get any more adorable!?!?
He says "nummies"!!! To his CATS!!!!

GodDAMN, I love that guy....

And, like it matters *rolling eyes heavenward*, actually Bret is the kitten, the female kitten that Erica had. I named her Bret before I knew what she was. I figured it didn't really matter anyway that she's named after Bret HART, because of Bret BUTLER, the ever-so-cool female comedian... "Grace Under Fire"? Love her, too, so either way, I win. But, really SHE (the cat) is named after a HIM.

The big tomcat is Norman. Named after my Dad, of course.

Speaking of names... I still haven't gotten all the previous batch of kids names done yet and there's the latest batch, with eyes newly opened, starting to come out and walk around a bit and not name one from me, yet...

I think I'm going with "Gia" for Olsen's one baby. Lamar had three, two of whom seemed to be named. One is Jamaal, short (now) for Jamaal's Kid, when I thought that was the one I was gonna give him, then there's Love, 'cause he's a crazy little thing. (Crazy Little Thing Called Love... ? I LOVE Queen...) That leaves the soft gray and white one, whom has been called Spot a time or two, due to the markings.

Okay, that's all the of the ones from the first load for this year. Now, I have Erica's two newest (when she, like, freaked out giving birth and jumped out the window and all that, remember?) and the five that China Cat Sunflower (Dead song) brought me.

I'm THINKING I may just hafta start using blogger names or handles. So far *knock on wood*, I need 7 names. There are 4 jet black kittens (HEY!! Jett is one name already. Cool...), one very dark gray/black tiger striped, a mostly gray one with white feets and the mostly white one with patches of gray and a stubby tail. (I'll just let all the "little winkie" jokes go right on by...)

So, suggestions?

Posted by: Stevie at July 22, 2004 12:02 PM (GenvO)

6 Oh, and I forgot... my (multudinous) kids get both, canned and dry. I have two of those biggish Friskies dry feeders... they're white with a blue base? They have all day access to them and twice a day, I open two or three cans of (el cheap-o Cadillac) canned food. That's mostly for the kittens and nursing Mom's but, I let everybody have at least a taste.

I do nearly the same thing with the (dopey) dogs. They have two mid-sized buckets of food available 24/7. No canned food, all four of 'em are fat-asses now.

I learned that way from my Pop-pop. People think the animals will gorge themselves, but they don't. Matter of fact, my dopey dogs usually only eat out of one bucket at a time. They cover the top of the other one with straw. It sounds nuts, I know, but they do. They nose their bedding up over it til they're ready for it.

EVERYBODY, of course, gets fresh water alla time, too.

Speaking of which, I oughta go check Petey's (the Parakeet). He needs his new seed stick (food, not misspelled deodorant), anyway.

HUGS on Mikey, again, fer being so danged CUTE!!!!

Posted by: Stevie at July 22, 2004 12:09 PM (GenvO)

7 Shucks......[/kicking ground]

Posted by: Mad Mikey at July 22, 2004 12:46 PM (NmR1a)






Processing 0.01, elapsed 0.0063 seconds.
18 queries taking 0.0036 seconds, 15 records returned.
Page size 21 kb.
Powered by Minx 0.8 beta.