Am I done already?
It hasn't even been a year yet. It'll BE a year in a coupla weeks. If I'm even here for it, that is.
I've never been in this solely for hits and comments, but damn. I think even I might have to admit that this is starting to hurt now. My usual number of people stopping by is around 60 a day, give or take a couple. I hardly ever got any feedback with that many. Now that I've dropped (like a ROCK) to about 30 a day, I feel very... pessimistic about all this, now. Jesus Christ, if yer own Dad and finacee don't comment anymore, that's says something not good, doesn't it? (It screams "You suck, you nagging, boring bitch!", quite frankly...) It's okay, in a way, though. I am rather used to being ignored, it's just that I can do THAT to myself and it doesn't hurt near as much when it's me doing it, but this is.... not me doing it. Between this, the fact that not one additional horse has gotten here yet and I doubt any will now, and the 18 year old cunt whose had the undeserved ability to threaten my 'everything' by inserting herself in Eric's rectum, I'm kinda feeling... not so wonderful very often these days. (Bluntly, I've found myself back to the "waiting for the sweet peace of death" mindset lately... Hell, it's GOT TO hurt less than this, ya know?) I just read some other blog author say that everything is 'seaonal' or cyclical in blogging. I can grasp that concept very well, thanks to the Byrds and that irritating ditty of theirs, "Turn, Turn, Turn", which, by the way, the stupid preacher quoted at my mom's Mom's funeral... weirdo. I nudged my Dad and asked if I could then do my somber recitation of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama". But, noooooooooo. Anyway... I kinda know I suck in the first place, hence the need to spill my heart to a blog instead of a live person. For me, it was purely because I'd bored everybody to death with my head-shit and I needed feedback. Still do. But, such a tremendous amount of mute denial is killing me. Every time I check my mail and there's nothing except Yahoo weather alerts and random bullshit, it knocks me down a few more inches and I never did have much more than just my head up outta the shit of life and I'm back in up to my nose, now. In personal relationships, I've always had this one rule... if ya want out or ya want me gone just SAY SO. I'll go. Just don't fuck around, playing mind-games, hurting me, pushing me away every way except with the truth. Just tell me. I'll go. But, just treat me like a creature with feelings, instead of a used papertowel, okay? Have the guts to say what ya want. I'll do it. People can't seem to do that very well. They don't seem to be able to believe I'll go away. So, they ignore me or are "too busy" til I get the hint and go. I kinda feel like that's what's going on here. I never expected to be like Rob. I never WANTED to be like Glenn Reynolds. (Hell, being beat on the head til I was as dry and boring as Ryenolds would HURT, ya know?) I just wanted to find a way to ask "Is it me, or what?" type questions and get a few different perspectives or ideas... That too much to hope for, is it? Seems to be. Worst part is, I've done this "honest" all the way. I've not done anything to manipulate my numbers or become a hit-whore, because the stupid numbers aren't important, really. I don't even know HOW to do any of that shit. So, it's 100% purely ME that is so uninspired, boring... whatever, that my blog is dying. Yeah, okay... got it. Same ol', same ol', ya know? I've never wanted to matter to the whole world. Hell, I don't even have enough ego to think of that concept and do anything but laugh... I just wanted to have a little home, a place where I could go, be me and not end up feeling like I do now for doing that. Frankly, the way I feel about THIS right now is that if I never did another post after this one, nobody would even notice, let alone care a whit. And, believe me, if I don't ever post publicly again, I won't be here to look either. Nothing like being able to watch yer own funeral and nobody comes... Any-fuckin' way... Writing does help me, even when it's like what I wrote is invisible. Therefore, I'll keep writing. I'll just keep it all in draft. Actually, I'm thinking about putting all of Xfire to draft. No sense leaving it out there for spammers to shit on, ya know? Then, as soon as I realize that even though writing is helping me, but I'm truly not worth even the efforts of the act of writing to heal me, I'll stop doing that, too. Then, Pixy can have this space for someone else. Like Mad Mikey, whom I'm trying to get a Munu blog and have been for over a week, so far. (Mikey... quit paying for comments and shit, Honey. Pixy seems agreeable to having you as a Munu, he just so backed up running all this it may take a coupla days...) "People ask me, Hank, why do ya drink, why do you roll smoke..." Survival. It shuts off the "yousuck, yousuck, yousuck" part of my brain.It's also the one of the three "constants" in my life. Pain is number one, which necessitates the other two... that and rock and roll. I've got Stevie Ray cued up and I've got the "shut up, nobody wants to hear it anyway, not even me" shit, sooo... I'm outta here.
Comments
1
Hey, solly! I been disposing of body parts in my crawl space. That hot, heavy work.
You still Numba One Babe, Dolly. Nella forget! I send you some nice lambchop. From crawl space. You be mo bettah byum bye.
Luvvums. And write! We talk salad dressing, Dolly!
You still Numba One Babe, Dolly. Nella forget! I send you some nice lambchop. From crawl space. You be mo bettah byum bye.
Luvvums. And write! We talk salad dressing, Dolly!
Posted by: Velociman at June 26, 2004 10:52 PM (CzA79)
2
Don't look at your sitemeter stats... they only count about half the hits... even if they are working... I noticed my sitemeter has been down the past couple of weeks too for sonme reason... if your have your cPanel set up at MuNu, it will give you more accurate visitor counts.
Posted by: Madfish Willie at June 26, 2004 11:58 PM (eYi52)
3
I have THREE (3) hit counters and they all provide different traffic stats. Just know that you are being read and that blogging wanes and waxes. I went from 300 a day for a week to 20 a day. That's depressing. But don't worry. It'll pick back up. 
Posted by: DeoDuce at June 27, 2004 12:16 AM (Opypb)
4
No, no, no.
Keep on bloggin'.
If you must feel self pity, express it here, as necessary. What higher aspiration can there be than Being Yourself For The World - or at least Thirty (30) people(AUDIENCE! OO! OOOO!) to see? I love audiences.
Even audiences of one.
(as a roar goes up from the crowd)
Thank you! Thank you!!
Keep on bloggin'.
If you must feel self pity, express it here, as necessary. What higher aspiration can there be than Being Yourself For The World - or at least Thirty (30) people(AUDIENCE! OO! OOOO!) to see? I love audiences.
Even audiences of one.
(as a roar goes up from the crowd)
Thank you! Thank you!!
Posted by: Kv at June 27, 2004 12:25 AM (m7lKF)
5
DON'T YOU DARE QUIT!
Posted by: TC-LeatherPenguin at June 27, 2004 03:08 AM (kiH79)
6
Acidman sent me. I read the post above. You ain't near as effed-up, or lonesome, or etc., as I am. I don't have a blog, so no one else knows that. Hell, all anyone knows about any of us bloviating in this medium is what he chooses to believe about what we admit. You sound ok to me, maybe a little bit morose and grumpy, that is, normal, for a grownup.
Posted by: Justthisguy at June 27, 2004 03:44 AM (rDqPx)
7
Hi
Acidman sent me over; I'm just getting in to the blogging world. Any audience is great, but even if there are none (which is unlikely), expressing yourself with words soothes the soul sometimes. Don't stop!
Acidman sent me over; I'm just getting in to the blogging world. Any audience is great, but even if there are none (which is unlikely), expressing yourself with words soothes the soul sometimes. Don't stop!
Posted by: Michele at June 27, 2004 07:24 AM (oopqz)
8
Stevie, my dear - If you promise not to stop and not make this threat again, I will come to PA and muck your stalls for a week. Do not get so down on yourself ... how could I face Rob, (who led me to you), and tell him I couldn't fix this? Listen to the folks above me. Love, Terry
Posted by: Terry Reynolds at June 27, 2004 09:49 AM (EkqT5)
9
Uh, Stevie?
Sorry I haven't commented before. But as a complete stranger who's had no personal interaction with you at all...
I like your stuff. I hope you write more.
Sorry I haven't commented before. But as a complete stranger who's had no personal interaction with you at all...
I like your stuff. I hope you write more.
Posted by: Richard Riley at June 27, 2004 01:16 PM (0JCZ8)
10
I haven't ever comment on your writings before, either, but I do read and I do empathize and I do want you to continue!! How's that for a run-on sentence??
Don't quit. I'd miss ya!
Angie
Don't quit. I'd miss ya!
Angie
Posted by: Angie at June 27, 2004 04:05 PM (JLJ5N)
11
Nah. Just keep bloggin'. I started it for me only and it stays that way. Yeah, I've watched my hit meter go as high as 200 a day for a while, then crash to 10 - 20 a day. So what. I just keep on, keepin'on. This week I'm back up to 50 - 60. My biggest return offender is google. (never leaves comments either)
Just keep being you.
BTW, got this link from Acidman's site. I think he likes your writing.
Just keep being you.
BTW, got this link from Acidman's site. I think he likes your writing.
Posted by: Wichi Dude at June 27, 2004 07:03 PM (OyVIp)
12
Acidman says to come over here and give you a hug, so here is a virtual hug .... (You can't see it because it's virtual, see, ...errr, it's virtually as good as a hug,... oh,heck, see why some people just read your site and don't post comments, they're like me and get easily confused,... not that I'm easily confused, you understand, it actually takes a lot of work to get me confused,... oh, heck, Cheer up and keep on keeping on.
Posted by: oldgeek at June 27, 2004 08:00 PM (Niv4w)
13
Hi, Acidman sent me too. I hope whatever you do makes you feel better.
BTW, the "for everything there is a season" routine is actually biblical.
BTW, the "for everything there is a season" routine is actually biblical.
Posted by: Jim Gwyn at June 27, 2004 08:29 PM (jQT+B)
14
Commenting on your blog is difficult, it's not like you post topics that people find it easy to argue about. Nor do you often write posts that everyone links.
I seldom see your blog, every time I do I wonder why. It's there, I could, perhaps it's because I invest so much time on the Milblogs. My old unit is in contact, after all. Yet every time I drop in I'm glad I did.
Anyhow, I believe you're better than you think. Maybe you ought to start a nice blogwar with somebody. We could all choose up sides and hurl invectives and act like children and just have all kinds of fun.
Oh, and Stevie? Ease up a little on talking about how much you suck. You'll get all kinds of uninvited marriage proposals and a visit from Bill Clinton.
I seldom see your blog, every time I do I wonder why. It's there, I could, perhaps it's because I invest so much time on the Milblogs. My old unit is in contact, after all. Yet every time I drop in I'm glad I did.
Anyhow, I believe you're better than you think. Maybe you ought to start a nice blogwar with somebody. We could all choose up sides and hurl invectives and act like children and just have all kinds of fun.
Oh, and Stevie? Ease up a little on talking about how much you suck. You'll get all kinds of uninvited marriage proposals and a visit from Bill Clinton.
Posted by: Peter at June 28, 2004 01:14 AM (My8fB)
15
Girl, I feel ya. I've felt the same way many, many times. But! The feeling fades and things start to feel normal again, every time. I've considered quitting blogging altogether, especially because lately it feels as if I'm posting the same thing day after day - whining, bitching, moaning...and who the hell wants to hear that?? Well...who cares who wants to hear it?! I write it anyway because it's my blog, dammit, and I'll say what I want and if people don't read then people don't read. "Big Deal" as my dad would say. Sometimes, taking a few days off and ignoring my blog altogether is just what I need to make things feel right again.
And, it probably goes w/out saying but I'll say it anyway - I, your virtual little sister, would miss you deeply and wonder what the hell happened to you if you were gone more than a few days. I would send you so much email, you'd think I'd started my own SPAM business.
Love you!
And, it probably goes w/out saying but I'll say it anyway - I, your virtual little sister, would miss you deeply and wonder what the hell happened to you if you were gone more than a few days. I would send you so much email, you'd think I'd started my own SPAM business.
Love you!
Posted by: Amy Vegas at June 28, 2004 09:41 AM (lBFdX)
16
Another from acidman's site. Here have a {{{{{ HUG }}}}
Stay with it. Writing like anything else worth doing takes time. Never have enough quality blogs
Stay with it. Writing like anything else worth doing takes time. Never have enough quality blogs
Posted by: Fred at June 28, 2004 12:53 PM (BIwsj)
17
Stevie, I read your blog as often as I can. Please don't put yourself down like that. You are loved!! {{{Hugs}}}
Posted by: Jaydee at June 28, 2004 08:30 PM (ocNaL)
18
I don't pay much attention to the SiteMeter. My webhost counts twice as many hits, for one thing, and secondly, it's easy to get disheartened when SiteMeter says that people visit your page for zero seconds. I only read the blogs on my "heavy rotation" section of my blogroll, and even then, I don't get around as often as I like. Your blog is first and foremost for you; the rest of us are along for the ride and following your journey, even if we aren't always speaking up and giving you that much-deserved pat on the back every now and again. But that doesn't mean we aren't thinking of you and visiting you whenever we can!
Posted by: dawn at June 28, 2004 09:27 PM (Zgn4s)
19
Pappy loves ya, Stevie! Hang in there.
Posted by: Acidman at June 28, 2004 10:16 PM (MdHRM)
20
Hell, I'd be HAPPY with 20 hits a day! Not many people get into what I write about.
Posted by: Drew at June 28, 2004 10:28 PM (Mh9EI)
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