Michael Steven Robbins...

Man.
I just stuck in a tape of Neil Young's Live Rust and, Holy Gawd... Twenty-five years just faded away. This isn't just making me feel things, tho. It's also kinda freakin' me out to realize how much Mike has influenced my life... or controlled it, almost. Which is reeeally weird, seeing how I lost him back in '82. He was electrocuted, the dumbass. I'm still a little pissed at him for being so dumb, but I can't say he didn't tell me it, or something like it, was gonna happen... I also can't say I don't still love him, cause I do. He was the first and he really did 'set my taste', as it were, for what I wanted.
And, I've got it.

Yes, he was the first first....

I've talked about Mike before, but having Live Rust literally blasting behind me is bringing him back to me so vividly...

Yes, Mike. I can feel you. Thank you for what you taught me and I love you.
You bonehead.

Five foot ten or there abouts, about 160 or so pounds, blonde hair, wispy 'stache, beautiful, expressive eyes, warm, gentle hands and a soft heart. He wrote poetry, loved his dog Lady and listened to Neil Young almost non-stop. He was the son of a small-time farmer in the town where I grew up. They had a few Black Angus cattle, some pigs, peacocks, chickens and assorted other critters.

I went thru grade school a coupla years behind Mike, til we moved to another school district. Even then, I kept going to the dances every Friday at my old school. I remember seeing him there once, drunk and silly, sitting on a folding chair backwards, scooting around, pretending it was his 'racecar'. Yeah, okay Mikey. Cute guy.

Flash forward a few years and it's 1979. I HATE the high school I'm stuck going to since we made that move 5 years ago, so I'm transferring to the GOOD one. To do that, I had to take classes offered at Woodstown that weren't offered at Salem, like Ag. Yay, Ag!!!
("Ag" being Agriculture.)

I went to the new high school to check it out and register and all one day near the end of my sophmore year. It was while me and Dad were in the Ag building that my life was fundamentally either changed or set on the course it's taken. I didn't know it, but it was...

The Ag building was kinda like two classrooms in one. On the ground floor, was the classroom. Desks, chairs and blackboards. If you went out the door and went straight, instead of making a right and going outside, you'd go through another door and down 7 or 8 steps into the shop. That's where we did welding, worked on cars, trucks, tractors... shit like that. In between the two rooms, was the teacher's office. It had a bank of windows that looked down into the shop.

I can remember looking down there and recognizing Mike, but I didn't talk to him. He was in class, I was freakin' just being at Woodstown and besides, who's to say he'd even remember me?

He did.

He saw me too and, first chance he got, he went into the office and got my phone number outta the paperwork and called me that night.

Once he established who he was and had me on the same page, he asked if I had a boyfriend or anything. I said no. He said, "Okay. Well, now ya do..."

(I just flipped this Neil Young tape and GOD! is Sugar Mountain a great song...Man.)

After I pried my tongue offa the roof of my mouth, I asked Mike what he meant. He meant that, if I wanted, we could 'go together'.
Oh. Okay.
What the hell. I had nuthin' else happenin' and I always DID think he was adorable...

He invited me to his house that Saturday. (I'm almost certain he'd first called on Thursday or Friday, cause this thing went about 4000 mph...) My Dad was going to an auction someplace in Alloway anyway, so he dropped me off over there. (Which clears that right up... I WAS 16. Didn't have my license yet, but Mike did... that's right.) Anyway, it was pure magic.

Once I'd said "Bye" to Dad and got to really see where I was, I was blown away. I still see it all so clearly in my mind...

Beautiful day, warm, sun shining on everything. Peacocks all over the place, most with the plumes spread, chickens, cows, pigs heard in the distance, outbuildings circling the driveway. There was a huge old shade tree along side the driveway. Then, there was the farmhouse with Mike silhouetted in the screen door with Neil Young filling the air.

Tall, blonde, jeans, no shirt... grinning like he just discovered teeth. So sweet...

Went inside and Neil got louder, more imbedded in my soul. Then, so did Mike, when I saw he had Bugs Bunny on the TV, with the sound down. Beanbag in the middle of the floor, breeze blowing the white curtains in, and Neil singing....
I was so scared.

I kept babbling on and on, til finally, Mike leaned over and kissed me. Well, THAT shut me up. I just looked at him, with a grinning "Yeah?" look on my face and he said "To get it over with, ya know?" And, I did. We both KNEW that was gonna happen and it was making me nervous. Him too, I guess.

I can remember relaxing and him lighting a cigarette and me swiping one from him. We just spent that whole day together, talking, getting reacquainted. I think we got stoned, too. I know I'd smoked weed before that. (First time for that was when I was 14. Thanks Rene!!!) It was one of the top five best days of my life.

For all the things I do remember about Mike, the one thing I can't seem to recall exactly, was the very first time. I think it was at his house... pretty sure, actually, but I can't for the life of me remember WHEN it was. I know it wasn't that Saturday, but I'm also sure it was within the first week... It was so easy and gentle with him, it doesn't stand out... One thing that does, though, is him coming out of the shower one day with a towel hanging offa Oscar... lmao... He just comes walking out with this towel hanging... Big towel, too. I was impressed.

We only went together for the summer, as it turned out, but God what a great summer that was. And, the effect Mike had on me has been lifelong, so far.

I have so many memories of Mike. He had a jeep and being in that with him flying down the road with it all open and uncovered was great. I loved his Stang, too, though. He spent some time working under it, changing the universal joint. I spent that time stealing his smokes and poking him in the side occasionally, making him jump and bang things under there... like his head. (lol) We- me, Mike and John Miller- hung out CONSTANTLY. In fact, I miss Johnny so fuckin' bad... he's still alive, as far as I know, but I haven't seen him since we graduated. I've got some killer ridiculous stories about some shit John and I did together, too. (Like drinking HOT Jack Daniels- and I mean HOT, as in found under the passenger seat of my Trans Am one summer day...ick- and smoking weed wrapped in writing paper, sealed with scotch tape because we didn't have any papers... shit like that.) (I still love you, too, John Douglas Miller. I'd make a deal or two with God to be able to find you again to say "Hi"...)

The three of us did ALMOST everything together. Hung out at Daretown Lake, drinking beer, flicking cigarettes at blown up, tied off and floating condoms in the lake... cruising in the jeep and the Mustang that ya couldn't hear inside of because of the (killer excellent) exhaust Mike had on it... going to the County Fair and hanging out in the back field at Cowtown after the Fair shut down for the night, drinking more beer and just loving each other and life itself. Neil Young is the soundtrack of the summer of '79 for me.

Right about the time school was starting, we broke up. It was hard at first, but we wound up best friends, til he died. He's who got me started on the cows. He was working for the Pettits in high school, so of course, I worked there, too. Then, I switched to Wally's brother, never knowing who Wally was gonna turn out to be years later, and Mike graduated and started working for Jonesy's in Maryland. I was 'going with' Bruce, George's brother (yes, THAT George- my soon to be ex-husband) then and Mike was with a girl named Robin.

Mike lived at Jonesy's and came home every weekend to see Robin. On his way back outta town, he always stopped by to see me too. Half the time, he'd try to talk me into 'one more time', but I really loved the guy too much for that. Inevitably, after each of these episodes, he'd call me during the week and tell me how much he loved me for NOT going through with it. "S'okay, Love. You mean too much to me for that shit..."

Mike told me one night that he was going to die. We were laying on the grassy hill the made up the side of 'dike' between my Dad's house and the pond. It was night time and we were laying there, looking at the stars and talking. He saw three shooting stars, of which I only saw two. I was disappointed to have missed one. Then, Mike says "It's best you did miss one. Seeing three shooting stars in a row like that means yer gonna die." I told him to quit saying shit like that and didn't think anymore of it, until...

*year and a half or so later*

I was working at the gas station that night. I'd just seen Mike about two days before, getting gas. Another guy I know named Andy (no, not THAT Andy) came in and asked me "Hey, have ya heard about Mike Robbins?" Any time anyone said "Have ya heard about..?" about somebody, it was always something horrible. I said to Andy, "No, I haven't heard about Mike. Do I want to?" I don't think he had any idea who Mike was to me because he said, "He got fried."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Fried. Electrocuted."
"No, not electrocuted. Shocked, maybe, but 'electrocuted' means dead, so that can't be right..."
"NO, I mean electrocuted. He IS dead."

I fuckin' lost it. I went into the back room and started throwing cases of oil around, screaming. Charlie, whom I was going with then (and later wound up married to) and who was the Manager of the station came running in to see what the hell was wrong with me and got me calm enough to at least try to see if it was true before I went all the way nuts, so I called the hospital in the county where it happened. After I'd established the fact that he had, indeed, been brought there and all, I asked the nurse if he was okay.
She said, quietly, "I'm not allowed to divulge any information about that."
I said, "That means he's not, doesn't it?"
Silence.
"Is he... Is he... dead?"
Silence.
"Guess that answers that question, huh?"
"Yeees..."
"Christ... God help meeeee!!!!"

Hung up and haven't been the same since.

He died right in front of Johnny, Johnny's then girlfriend and his own girlfriend. Mike had signed up to go into the service (not sure which branch... Army, I think. Marines, maybe?) and was having a blast for his remaining time before he left. He was out with those three and they were drinking and hanging out in a closed nursery... a plant place, not babies.

For some reason I'll never understand, Mike decided to climb a TV antenna support pole. It bent under his weight and touched electric wires less than five feet from a transformer.

I went to his funeral, of course. I remember how cold his face was when I kissed him goodbye. That wasn't Mike. It was only his body. Mike was free. In me. In the breeze... in the universe. He wasn't in that body anymore, I knew that. I could FEEL that.... just like I feel him now, keeping my tears from falling.
I only went to his grave a few times, because he is sooo not there.

Mike started my life that summer of '79. The cows that he made me fall in love with have saved it since then. And, it feels damned good to still be doing what Mike loved and showed me how to love, too. I thought it was the height of bravery for him to be living on Jonesy's farm down there in Maryland right after he graduated like that. Now, several (hundred, I know. Shut up.) years later, here I am. Living on a farm in another state, too. And, for the most part, loving it. Not only that, but I'm doing this with another blonde, tall, goregous, loving, sweet, gentle, goodhearted man.

I started with one of those and am ending up with one, too. The circle is completing and Mike's in it.
For that, I'll always love him.

Thank you again, Mike, for all you taught me. I've never forgotten it or you.
I love you, Buddy...
Come see me, okay?
(I promise I won't freak.)

I'll always love you, Mike.
Always.

Posted by: Stevie at 07:52 PM

Comments

Posted by: Emma at May 29, 2004 08:46 PM (NOZuy)

Posted by: Stevie at May 29, 2004 10:26 PM (4K/CI)

Posted by: Emma at June 02, 2004 02:12 PM (NOZuy)

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